Truth – Nothing to Lose but Love

by Nicki Ferguson, Sydney

Love is always there to support us, we just don’t always allow ourselves to feel it. The lack of loving support that I used to have for myself, and the (sometimes bumpy) journey of re-discovering that support, is the main gist of this post.

I listen to Universal Medicine audio presentations often. They help bring me back to my truest self as a reminder of what I, in truth, already know about the world – how it feels from the inside and how it behaves on the out. I also see Katie Walls, Esoteric Practitioner, Gentle Rhythms.

I’ve been pondering about a contribution to this blog for a few months now. Partly because I want to feel like I am in a good space to contribute… that is, connected to love and able to write from a place of love so that love is the energetic imprint clearly marked on my words. But that’s where I come undone… this idealistic desire to be in a ‘perfect’ space to be able to express my truth.

The other thing I would like to share is how immensely grateful I am to have found my way to the Universal Medicine presentations and my Esoteric healing sessions with Katie. I get the opportunity to reconnect to love and what it feels like to embody it, especially when I’m in contact with others who live connected to love.

I’ve lived esoterically in some ways all my life: I recognise in hindsight that I was drawn to (especially pre-teen years) living a soulful, present life. I was aware of how precious life is, how powerful and cleansing nature can be. What I didn’t get so much was other humans and my seemingly complex reactions to them. As I grew I got more confused with the world and all its double meanings and undisputed loveless practices. I felt less stillness and more chaos as I tried to navigate my way through other people’s expectations and energetic nuisances. I started to withdraw to a point where I wouldn’t hug or touch friends or family – for no apparent or logical reason other than it just didn’t feel right. And so, as I held back expressing my love through touch, word and movement, I started to hurt.

My late teens and early twenties were speckled with depression, and although most in my life wouldn’t have guessed it, I felt desperate – sometimes hopeless, sometimes psychotic. I tackled the pull between ending the suffering completely or devoting myself to a life of service… a nunnery perhaps, an African orphanage, a Tibetan mountaintop? The escape routes in my imagination were endless – and let’s be honest – a bit dramatic.

Just this moment I remembered a piece of advice my mum gave me when my sisters and I were quite young. She said: “if it ever gets so bad that you want to kill yourself, just run away and start a new life”. I believe I just found my default key. I’ll high tail it out of there when things get dull or uncomfortable or confrontational. Not because mum said so, but because I haven’t in the past been able to take full responsibility for my part in life… significant given I play the lead role.

Even though pursuing change has been a technique to distract from feelings of inadequacy (rather than allowing myself to feel those yucky moments), change has at times also served me. Exploring new age philosophies and modalities I realised there were people out there who were also aware of the ‘disconnection disease’, that is, a loss of the feeling of true love for oneself; the inability to be lovingly still with oneself; and the fear of being intimate, vulnerable and open with others. I learned that there were people who had found lighter ways of living. By lighter, I mean people who express their loving truth and / or have allowed themselves to let go of some of the emotional weights that may have once held them back from openly loving and feeling love. It took me a decade more to realise there are also a lot of charlatans. In almost every playground, and for that matter in almost every person, I realised that there is a collection of masks and insecurities and disconnection diseases going on. Navigating these in a non-judgemental and loving way, so as not to separate myself from people or absorb their ‘stuff’, is what I am working on today.

I know the love has to come from me and has to be expressed by me for it to be a real truth. One of my great challenges is that I go into my head, trying to problem-solve things, instead of simply registering how they feel in my body. I listen to Universal Medicine presentations as a flagging tool to help me remember how to do that – how to feel more and think less. The more I remember, the more I come back to myself to live it in my day to day life and the more I feel; I then find it easier to refrain from judgement towards myself and others. I find it easier to be more loving because my expression comes forth naturally, without the judgement or the need for that default escape route.

So the perfect time to write this is now. This is where my awareness is at now as I live the ebbs and flows of love, reconnecting (and sometimes disconnecting) to what living soulfully means on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis. More than ever I’m aware of the concept of cyclical learning. Each time I feel overwhelmed / distraught / excited about something – a ‘something’ that I feel like I’ve addressed before – I remember a little more about how to live without fear and mistrust, with blinkered eyes or disregard.

The esoteric way feels truthful, as I’ve experienced it so far. I’m still feeling my way through some of what is presented, and I won’t take it for truth or believe everything I hear until I feel it so, through living it and connecting to it as a truth for myself.

As I feel out more truth it gets easier to identify others who live esoterically – that is, lovingly or from their innermost. Even those who have never heard of Universal Medicine or anything related to the esoteric, but who live with integrity and honesty, are easier to recognise. Just as like attracts like, love attracts love. No matter what organisation or belief system one rules their life by, when a person expresses themselves from a place of truth, only one thing is felt… love. 

Ultimately this reflection reminds me that the world, as dark as it can feel at times, will always hold love – in all others and within me. The only thing I have to lose by not recognising my part in this, is the feeling of love.

166 thoughts on “Truth – Nothing to Lose but Love

  1. Our hurts keep us away from feeling and expressing true love so it is imperative we heal our hurts. Dealing with the hurts and confirming and appreciating the qualities within my body, developing a self-loving way, I get to feel love. How I am with myself is then reflected to me and I am then open and willing to receive it.

  2. I love how you’ve come to a place where you’re willing and able to see and feel the truth of who people are underneath all that might present on the outside. We all know truth it’s about allowing ourselves to live in a way that the truth is the backbone of our lives.

  3. Thank you Nikki for a great sharing, I remember having the same default system, just leave all the troubles and move to someplace else, the only thing is we take ourselves with us. Change comes by taking responsibility for our own unloving actions and choosing self loving ways in this we feel the truth of who we truly are, the proof is in our livingness.

  4. I can relate to feeling how discordant and confusing the world is and wanting to withdraw, however I have learned through Universal Medicine just how much responsibility I have for my quality of life (regardless of how others and the world is), and what I can give back to the world just by living from my essence everyday. It does take time to learn to observe and not react to and absorb all that goes on around us, but it’s an amazing miracle really to look back at how I’ve lived and see the love I live from now.

  5. Yes Love is always there, no matter how bleak at times things may appear, and we can always choose to express the love that is forever in us, to show the world that love is there.

  6. “Navigating these in a non-judgemental and loving way, so as not to separate myself from people or absorb their ‘stuff’, is what I am working on today.” Me too and what I have discovered is that it is much easier said than done, however, it is a labour of love.

  7. A great blog Nicki that shows that Universal Medicine presents a way of life, which is not exclusive to Universal Medicine as it can be practiced by everyone who choses to, whether they have heard of Universal Medicine or not, as it is available to all people.

  8. I love your blog Nikki, I also am working on . . . “how to feel more and think less” . . and how to not absorb other people’s stuff also. Many could relate to what you have shared here.

  9. We take flight and run when we can no longer bear the agony of the separation to our true self. The irony is, by running away we in fact increase the distance, not lessen it and so the tension we feel is now magnified because we are using incredible resistance to not simply stay present and deal with what needs to be dealt with as confronting, exposing and uncomfortable it may be. When this tension gets too much, our Soul has a way of communicating through our body via ailments and illnesses whereby we ‘snap back’ like a rubber band, thus making the journey home that much more uncomfortable. In order to not feel this discomfort we go on a wild goose chase searching for anything and everything that will relieve us of such discord. Learning to live esoterically simply means learning to live with the tension we feel and making the choice to not run from it. By re-connecting to our true self – our Soul – we find a way to live with ease is a world that is so full of dis-ease simply by making the choice to re-connect to the deep well of love that lives within our hearts. This is a beautiful sharing of such a journey, thankyou Nicki.

  10. Nikki I really feel you have taken everything you have heard and chosen for your self a way of living that supports your livingness, your love expressing from this truth reflects the same in others and is then what we get to feel and recognise as the truth within us all.

  11. I can relate to this “One of my great challenges is that I go into my head, trying to problem-solve things, instead of simply registering how they feel in my body.” I use to do this all the time look for a solution by analysing. This would take me away from my connection to my body and keep me stuck in my head. It was not until I met Serge Benhayon, that I began to understand that it is through our body we know the truth and not by going into our heads and analysing, this felt so freeing and more natural.

  12. We have a lot to lose by shutting down. Learning to live with understanding within us is precious learning. The more I have let go of judgement of myself, the more I have allowed this understanding of others. This is love in my life and joy and no more shutting down because I want to feel the love and joy.

  13. I too used to think that running away was the answer but found out later on in life that it doesn’t work as once I start running I am on a downward spiral. It may be challenging when faced with uncomfortable situations but once I say ‘yes’ and begin to address what is there in front of me the support is there and comes through in the most beautiful and unexpected ways confirming that I am never alone.

  14. I have never heard of the ‘disconnection disease’ Nicki but realise that it is a definite reality in our busy and increasingly anonymous world today. The ‘loss of the feeling of true love for oneself; the inability to be lovingly still with oneself; and the fear of being intimate, vulnerable and open with others’ is a present day plague that is shadowing us all. Maybe it’s time we all shone the light on the darkness of disconnection and sow the seeds for us all to reconnect to come back to our quality of love that lies within.

  15. Nicki, this line really touched me . The ‘loss of the feeling of true love for oneself; the inability to be lovingly still with oneself; and the fear of being intimate, vulnerable and open with others’ is a present day plague that is shadowing us all. I am only realizing the tip of the iceberg in terms of my feeling my worth, the depth to which i must not be truly feeling love for myself. And feeling this is most likely for most people… but i had never considered the blinkeredness we are all living under…as the lack of love is more the norm.
    I have always felt i love being with people and being caring and ‘intimate’ with them. But i here I question if I really have been, as I haven’t been really open, vulnerable and intimate with myself first.

  16. Many are guilty of doing the running away only to find that no matter where you run to, you always run into yourself… still needing to face what you are attempting to run from. Universal Medicine allowed me to stop and address my disconnection and in that find the love within that began to heal everything I was wanting to bury through escape…. allowing me to then choose a journey of self-discovery, truth and love that was well worth the commitment.

    1. I love this ” no matter where you run to, you always run into yourself…still needing to face what you are attempting to run from” And this is nearly always a true love for ourselves. For when we start to care for and love ourselves and when we continue this we are naturally becoming more responsible for ourselves and this responsibility ripples out to other areas of our lives and keeps giving us opportunities to address what is needed including the worldly things we have been avoiding or running away from.

  17. There are so many things we can put of in life, waiting for the perfect moment to share something, to have children, to buy a home, to get married, this list can go on and on, but as you share here Nicki, there is no perfect moment as we have the opportunity in every moment to share our love, no matter what is happening around us.

  18. Love is always there no matter what, when we let go of our hurts and allow ourselves to feel, we can connect to the love within us and express from a place of truth. I never thought this would be possible, until I started to let go of my hurts and allowed myself to feel my body, bringing stillness. In that stillness I could feel the love and truth within me.

  19. Thank you, Nikki, for exposing the trap of being esoteric. I can totally relate to having a picture of ideal while trying to be esoteric and so true that already undoes itself, or rather exposes where the intension is being driven out of.

  20. Esoteric simply means from our innermost. It is something pretty natural to everyone and although at one time or another we may have forgotten this, it is not something that some of us know and others don’t—and when we segregate ourselves in this way, it is quite clear this is from the mind and not from our hearts, no? And do our minds ever truly love? In our hearts we know the equality and connection of everyone, that feels like love to me.

  21. ‘The perfect time to write this is now’ – when we hold back our expression because we feel that ‘we’re not quite there yet’, haven’t got it all perfectly lined up and dealt with all our stuff, we’re holding ourselves back and waiting to match a picture of how we think we need to be. But what we forget in this moment is that life is a constant opportunity to deepen and to evolve: there is nowhere to get to and no end point, and hearing other people’s experiences along the way helps us all to grow.

  22. I love the openers of your writing Nicky. I had a realisation the other day that I think I have to do it all by myself – parenting, a big workload, stuff around the house. What I’ve been cutting myself off from is the love and support that surrounds me energetically. I had my blinkers on to it and when I let it in, it’s incredible what is there.

  23. I love your comment “The perfect time to write this is now”. I was listening to a presentation from Serge and he spoke of expression and expansion. What I took from it was that when we express truth it allows for expansion. Holding back our expression contains us. Of course we have a responsibility to express in a way that expands love and is not harming but sometimes we need practice. I kept my expression in for many years and for the last few years I’ve been taking steps to express what is there. Sometimes it’s not so pretty and my expression has been harmful. I have the karma of that and have to deal with the consequences, but in saying that, each time I do that I have the opportunity to learn from it and make a different choice. What I’m realising is that for me because I kept my truthful expression contained, I’m relearning how to let it out. Sometimes the road is bumpy and I fall over and as much as it pains me to write, sometimes I knock others down. My expression is no longer contained and I’m committed to truthful expression and expressing in a way that heals and offers evolution.

  24. It is a privilege to read what you’ve shared here Nikki. And I agree entirely that one need not be ‘perfect’ in order to share such valuable insights. For what is ‘perfection’ anyways, but something that will ALWAYS be deemed to be beyond us, and outside of ourselves, our capabilities and indeed the love that we are within. Honesty and openness with ourselves and others is a powerful tool and way of bringing ourselves out of the insidious grasp that the ideal of perfectionism would have us ever-held in…

  25. What you’ve shared here about cyclical learning deserves to be a blog/article/book in itself Nikki… In this you’ve offered great wisdom and welcome inspiration to me today in reading this. There are indeed challenges we meet in life that ‘keep returning’ – often in a different guise, but if we are truthful with ourselves, we well know that here we are meeting yet another layer of something that we are learning mastery over, and that this in itself is no small thing…
    To appreciate the depth of this learning, and stay with it – not seek to escape life, obscure or bury that which we are dealing with – is a mark of great and true strength. Thing is, from the experiences I’ve had, we need never be alone when we do face such challenges. Open our hearts to our own healing, and true support can very well be right there, if we are willing to let it in.

  26. I love the way you express Nicki, there is a real innocence and sweetness to what you share that goes hand in hand with great wisdom. I’ve been feeling paralysed by a job I need to do and your blog has reminded me to simply take the next step in love and truth.

  27. One of my favourite quotes is that ‘people with golden hearts will make any system work’ – and this is reflected here in your blog Nicki. We don’t have to belong to a particular religion or system to know that we have an innate connection to love in our hearts and to choose to live and be love in life. This feels important in a world where opinions are polarising into apparently stronger opposition. Whatever system is in place cannot change the fact that we can all choose to be love and to live it everyday. If we did, perhaps we would not need such systems any more.

  28. The truth we can feel the essence of truth and love in all and ourselves when we are open to it. It is something I keep coming back to, the ebb and flow as you describe. It is a fact, a universal law that I felt and I continue to develop how I live so that I honour this more steadily.

  29. Ideals cripple me constantly and they come from the mind wanting to grasp onto a destination, a picture but not truly from my body. My body then has to really let me feel what it wants to say. I woke up with a stiff neck this morning, ah, knowing how flexibility is important.

  30. It is the pictures we hold that hold us back and there are numerous pictures of what love is and how it should look in life. Is it these pictures that create the idea of perfection and the drive toward what our picture perfect love in action should be? We know what is not love and so therefore there is no need for pictures but just the connection to what is true within us. Love is about being honest about the fact that we are only love within and living that each moment in the day – honesty is about not holding back the love we are.

  31. I agree I have always felt love I have not always honoured it, but it has been there, humble beautiful and holding…now I am claiming it more for what it is……love is abundant and if claimed clears energy that is not love, with grace and power.

  32. Nicki, that certainly was the expression of love reading / feeling your blog! How much do we hold back what is real to us when in fact it is our Love. Love has been so scrambled and complicated that we hesitate what is innately true in our bodies. As the title represents so beautifully the message of this blog “Truth – Nothing to Lose but Love” ❤️

  33. If we consider that we are love – for me a certainty – it is quite remarkable that have so much difficulties experiencing that every single moment. Why is that? Do we actually are afraid of love?

  34. Your opening sentence is so true, I can relate with it, ‘Love is always there to support us, we just don’t always allow ourselves to feel it.’

  35. So very true Nicki, learning that we are our own source of love is an essential part of any true healing or return to who we are, as you so beautifully say… to our ‘truest self’.

  36. This is something I am choosing to bring more of into my life too Nicki, how to stay feeling more and thinking less, or keeping my thoughts with me and my body, and what I am doing at that moment in time.

  37. ‘Ultimately this reflection reminds me that the world, as dark as it can feel at times, will always hold love – in all others and within me. The only thing I have to lose by not recognising my part in this, is the feeling of love.’ The feeling of love is what we can keep on bringing back to ourselves by the quality in which we move. I change my movements often to re-establish that connection with “my truest self”

  38. I can relate to not wanting to share until I am “sure” that I am coming from love. This was a self imposing halting on my own evolution and one that I was trapped in for some time. Until the moment where the understanding arose from within that the love is forever inside of me/us, all it takes is for me/us to choose to connect with it. From that moment life is literally never the same.

  39. The title captures it all, and yet for most of my life I lived the opposite. So afraid to love because of the perceived hurt it would cause me. Looking from the outside in on that just boggles the old mind. Impossible for love to hurt you, if we understand love for what it is and not the TV version of it we have been sold where it’s all about conditions and people proving themselves.

  40. I can totally relate to holding back my love too in word in movement in all expression. And how dark those years are, which they were totally my choice. The head convinces me that by doing that I can punish the world, but it didn’t include the most important fact that I am first punishing myself. Just as it tells me that in love, I can leave myself out of the equation too. So after many years, I stopped falling for the mind’s control and start to really feel again what is truth, and the truth to that is life has become much more simple and joyful. Feeling the body, and respecting how it feels, also no matter how it feels to accept these feelings, the support given back is amazing. Whenever I feel the mind trying to come into control again, I change my movements, by accepting deeper of myself and this love then opens up more to others rather than its tendency to close up like before.

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