Recently I had a discussion with a very dear friend of mine, whose opinion I deeply value, about a surgical procedure that I require, and during the discussion we talked about many things. Appreciation was one of the subjects discussed… true appreciation of where I had come from, and what an amazing life I am now living. Along with this, I spoke of my feeling of being unable to express in the written word, not even being able to comment on a blog, let alone write one. At the end of our time together my friend suggested perhaps I could write something on appreciation. I went home with an intention to write but felt I had to sit with deep appreciation for a while to truly feel it.
It is easy to say yes, I can see how I have changed, where I have come from and the amazing being I am now, but I realised my appreciation was more of a mind thing… I hadn’t sat and allowed myself to deeply feel it.
My experience has been that when I truly, deeply appreciate, it expands in my body and becomes an all encompassing love, a love of everything I have been, and all that I am now; a love of the magic of God, and all that is done in heaven and on earth in love – to hold us and support us at all times. I feel a great love for Serge Benhayon and the Benhayon family and their amazing love of humanity, and all the love and support they have given me and so many others. I am surrounded by a loving family, there is always the love and support of the larger esoteric community, and I live in a most beautiful part of the world. These are just a few of the many things in my life that are worth deep appreciation.
The love and support I now have for myself and from others would have been inconceivable not that long ago. My childhood, and the choices I made as a result, did not portend the development of a healthy individual.
I was sexually abused by a brother and a next-door neighbour, and physically, sexually and emotionally abused by my father. I felt unloved and unwanted. I felt betrayed by my mother as she did nothing to help me, but rather I was told repeatedly I was the troublemaker.
I was pregnant and married at 16 and had two beautiful daughters by 18; my disastrous marriage lasted 11 years. I had two other long-term relationships: each relationship was abusive and controlling in one way or another and all my partners were involved with alcohol and drugs, or both. I started smoking cigarettes at 15, started smoking marijuana around 28 and continued both until about 50: between 30 and 40 I also experimented with many other drugs. Afraid of taking responsibility for myself, and afraid of committing to relationships, I lived a fairly secluded life for many years.
By my late 40’s I was seriously unwell, and had I not made my way to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine six years ago, aged 53, I dread to think where and how I would be today.
Over the past weeks as I have been sitting with appreciation and whilst writing this, it has become obvious to me that I need to take time occasionally to stop and look at myself, and to feel how amazing my life is now, how amazing I am, and to allow myself to appreciate this deeply within. But true appreciation can only be, so it feels to me, if I allow myself to truly feel where I have come from.
I had an experience yesterday which pointed to this clearly. Firstly, I need to say my body has been very tired over the last week or so – due to my impending surgery, I feel – but my experience was more than just tiredness.
I was getting ready for work and one of my shoes was next to my chair. I knelt down to see if the other shoe was under the chair but it wasn’t, so it must be in my wardrobe; but getting down on the floor exhausted me so much I felt it would be easier to crawl the couple of meters to the wardrobe rather than expend the effort that would be involved in standing up, walking and bending down again. After retrieving the shoe I pulled myself up with some effort, and walked to my bed where I had to lie down as I felt dreadful.
Lying there I felt so sick, tears rolled down my face, but it was amazing! It was like being thrown back in time – this is how I lived/felt every day for several years, living in total exhaustion and pain, and I had totally, absolutely forgotten. I could think about it and talk about it but I had forgotten what it actually felt like in my body – what it felt like on a daily basis to live that, and the deep despair I felt. It was unreal, remembering and feeling in my body the pain and despair I had lived for so long but had totally forgotten about. After about 10 minutes it passed and I got up and went to work. This experience left me in no doubt about how much I have to truly appreciate.
I now live in a beautiful home with a longtime close friend; we share much love and laughter, her loving family is mine as mine is hers. Our grandchildren visit often and we enjoy seeing our adult children continue to grow and blossom. I have a job that I truly love, where I am mixing with and caring for people. There is no abuse in my life – only love. I am surrounded by it and it is reflected back to me by all the amazing people around me.
The love and beauty surrounding me can only continue to grow from my true appreciation of where and how I once was, and as I deeply embrace the amazing life I now live, and fully accept the love I now know myself to be.