The True Joy of Not Needing to Be Right

I have been hurt in life, not unlike many others. And because I don’t want to be hurt EVER AGAIN, I have a need to ‘be right’ and find ways to survive and protect myself.

In the past I have identified myself with a warrior battling though life. I have fought and rebelled against everybody and everything because I feel that if I didn’t go to extremes, I wouldn’t make a difference and justice wouldn’t be achieved – a far cry from the true joy of not needing to be right that I have been deeply longing for! 

What I haven’t truly considered with this pattern is that the very first person that I am affecting and attacking the most is myself: a very sensitive, caring, wise, and precious self that inhabits a human body that is tender and fragile.

Here is also what I found:

  • Needing people and situations to be right and change them is based on making things easier for me. It would make things to be closer to my ideals of being healed and happy. This will give meaning to my efforts and my investments.
  • The assertiveness and efficiency I have achieved doesn’t come from a place of true service, it comes from a way of being that is driven and righteous. Ways I have created to compensate for my lack of self-worth.
  • The ways I think things should be are not based on what is needed and what works for all. They are based on my personal interests and my FEARS.
  • The compulsive need to express the injustices in others’ behaviours and situations comes from a pattern of survival and deep resentment.

This obsessive focus on others and their weaknesses is a way that I use to numb myself from my own deep hurt and the pain that it would cause me to really feel how far I walked away from my natural way of being. I prefer to carry on numbing myself and indulging in the ill patterns, rather than having to stop, feel and be responsible for the separation I’ve allowed and fed. It feels like too much to handle and it seems it would take too much time to reverse/change! I prefer to keep the focus outside of myself, and not have to deal with it all. OUCH!

There is a lack of trust in the fact that the real changes in this world occur by first changing me and the relationship I have with even the smallest and simplest of things. I haven’t given any value to keeping things simple, staying still and letting things go their way, while I express my gentle, sensitive, considerate, and present self.

What came next?

I got to feel the damage I’ve done to my body by holding onto quarrels and fighting so hard against others’ inconsistencies and arrogant behaviours. I can feel by doing this just how much damage I’ve caused to my stomach, my bowels, my head, my breasts and other parts of my body, every time I’ve fed that rage and rebellion in my gut.

How much damage have I caused to myself by choosing to hold onto my hurts, give up on my delicateness and allow the hardness to take over?

And the best part of all, I finally understood one thing I once heard from Serge Benhayon – my understanding of what Serge said is that the true meaning of JOY is allowing others to feel all the love that they are in their greatest moments, and to give them the space and freedom to be exactly where they are at.

Today I felt a JOY that I’ve never felt or acknowledged before, when I opened the door to someone I have been having a tough time with. I received them with no need for them to be different. For the first time in a very long time, the way I connected to them was not tainted by my judgments and my hurts. I accepted all of them. I felt that the last thing I would do was to fight and make them see, using all the power of my intellect with its most rational and accurate mental descriptions, why they have been unfair and wrong. I felt Joy that I had no desire and not an ounce of needing to be right, win or make myself be understood. I could only feel the gentleness in my body. I felt delicate. I felt a deep JOY for having felt me – and felt the other in absolute freedom.

After that, I asked myself from deep inside my heart:

  • Wouldn’t it be magical and awesome to let my deep hurt go and be myself again? Can I let go of whatever happened to me?
  • Would it be worth to consistently work on changing the movements in my body so it doesn’t go automatically into fighting mode?
  • Would it be worth detaching from others’ way of being and behaviour? Can I just simply observe and lovingly understand what is at play in others’ reactions without reacting myself and wanting things to be different? What would I miss by letting others be in their truth and allow situations to unfold in their own way and time?
  • Wouldn’t it be amazing to detach from the outcome in all situations?
  • Can I stop blaming others for the failures in my self-centred investments?
  • Wouldn’t it be amazing to walk in a body that is tender, healthy and full of energy AGAIN?

YES, IT WOULD BE AMAZING: I have experienced this, the power of my own love again. This part within has not been corrupted or hurt, it has stayed always radiant, FULL and beautiful. However the other ‘injured’ part resists! Paradoxically, in spite of its pain, it resists to let it go… where will it find its identification from? A big, mighty structure at risk of collapsing, threatening its ratification? All the time and energy it has taken to manifest, impose, influence, and win a place!!!? After all, it has been a huge investment! It would seem at times it is definitely proving infuriating to let go…

I can still allow myself to feel sad when external situations and behaviors from others affect me: I just only need to not push this sadness down again, until it gets so out of control that transforms into an opening where fury and rage can creep in.

I am such a precious being, why allow that harshness in my body and in my life? I can stay with me, while I let others be in their truth; this is the JOY I have lost a long time ago, that I have translated into an empty search for happiness and the need to impose my broken sense of justice.

I have been deeply inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine: nowadays I am able to feel more and more often the JOY of not needing to be right, the true joy that accompanies a life that is lived when I take my hurt self out of the way, and when I allow the easiness and playfulness of my true self to manifest again. My permanent focus is to not fight against anything, but to never, ever, give up on myself again and choose to withdraw from life. I am not scared to stop, feel and return – no matter how far away I’ve gone, I can always come back. I now know that it is far easier to commit to something for LOVE, than it is because of vengeance, revenge, rebellion, or to make justice.

Letting go of the hurt, the need to be right, and stopping fighting and knowing and allowing who I truly am are the easiest ways to commit to life in full and experience this commitment from true JOY. 

By Luz Helena Hincapie, Architect, Bogota, Columbia

Related Reading:
The Need to be Right

598 thoughts on “The True Joy of Not Needing to Be Right

  1. Being “right” does bring a hardness to ourselves and our bodies, and usually comes with a complete lack of understanding and allowing of someone to choose their own choices. There is a lot of joy in surrendering and allowing whatever is going on around you to continue going on without needing or trying to change it, but instead understanding that different people are in different places in their evolutionary cycles, and that is simply ok.

  2. “How much damage have I caused to myself by choosing to hold onto my hurts, give up on my delicateness and allow the hardness to take over?” Reading this blog was very timely, I had just had a week where I hadn’t been self honouring, not going with my impulses and intuition to be with myself, take initiative at work and was feeling the affects of my choices at the end of the week, which was, feeling really yuk inside myself, so ended up having an argument with someone. It didn’t feel good, I could feel how unreasonable I was being, but kept on with it, making myself feel awful and the other person. All because I hadn’t wanted to stay in my delicateness all week, really with myself and make loving choices. It has been a very big lesson indeed.

  3. ‘How much damage have I caused to myself by choosing to hold onto my hurts, give up on my delicateness and allow the hardness to take over?’ I became so very, very hard by choosing to hold onto my hurts which I did for a long time. But it is so not worth it for the damage that this causes to our body and our internal organs. Through the courses of Universal Medicine and making different choices I have cleared so much of my old baggage (hurts) and today feel so much lighter!

  4. Blame, denial, accusations or being caught up in what other people are doing or saying are great markers that we are not looking at something within ourselves — in other words, a clever distraction away from something that is ready to be seen and dealt with that is not in line with the truth of who we are.

  5. You are quite right Luz. It would certainly seem to the unclear, undecerning eye that not being right cannot be joyful in anyway at all. Particularly if we have an investment or attachment in being so. But this is the world today. People are so fixed on standing for the way that best befits them, be it a certain political party, belief, ideal or attachment in things being a certain way instead of what is true for all which is the true joy of all

  6. “I have been hurt in life, not unlike many others. And because I don’t want to be hurt EVER AGAIN, I have a need to ‘be right’ and find ways to survive and protect myself.” To put it this way is most revealing. We put so much energy into being right, it makes sense when you put it that way. However, we sign up for it when we react to it.It is like we become it.

  7. “In the past I have identified myself with a warrior battling though life. I have fought and rebelled against everybody and everything because I feel that if I didn’t go to extremes, I wouldn’t make a difference and justice wouldn’t be achieved – a far cry from the true joy of not needing to be right that I have been deeply longing for!” It feels so exhausting to be living this way-against our true natures, and yet we make it our normal.

  8. A brilliant awareness here Luz – it is so easy to blame everyone else rather feel our own hurt and pain.
    “This obsessive focus on others and their weaknesses is a way that I use to numb myself from my own deep hurt and the pain that it would cause me to really feel how far I walked away from my natural way of being”.

  9. The moment we think we are right, it is a sure sign that we are caught in an ideal based on a perception of how we need the world and others to be. After all, what we call righteousness is often just poorly a masked version of revenge.

    1. … a hitting back at the world and/or an aspect of it, that we yet struggle to accept, for we know all too well how we have been hurt by it.
      And yet in this, there is a grand opportunity to learn from the situation we have so deeply reacted to that we (in that moment) did refuse to drop our righteous stance and the attendant guards and fortresses (if not armaments) that come with it.
      As Luz has so beautifully shared, if we but offer a stop to ourselves and honour the depth of our sensitivity, the path to healing the hurts we yet harbour (which may run so very deep) is opened to us. And we open up to the possibility of healing, which Heaven will always, without fail, support. In fact Heaven rejoices with every step we take in this ‘direction’, i.e. the return to soul and the greatness of the true Love from which we all come.

  10. Such a great blog Luz, there is so much that we want others to be and do in the world so that we actually don’t have to feel what is really going on. So that we can allow our own ideals and beliefs to not get ruffled or challenged, but when we do that, we are pretty much ensuring that we don’t have to feel the tension that arises in us when we are challenged.

  11. Luz, this blog beautifully describes a life which is for self verses a life that serves love. Gorgeous, thank you.

  12. Wow this is such a great sharing of the understanding of why we hold onto our hurts and how we actually can let them go. Having done Livingness one this weekend it is so awesome when you feel your essence and anothers, tangibly so, that it is immense, whole, full, unimposing, there fully, and no hurt has diminished it in anyway.

  13. All so beautifully open, honest and transparent Luz. A big lesson for me also has been learning that in order to truly live what it true, we cannot be invested in anyone else ‘getting it’ – for it is this investment that nudges us into the fight and thus leave truth asunder. In-truth we cannot corrupt the absoluteness that is Truth, but we can damage our perception of it.

  14. “Letting go of the hurt, the need to be right, and stopping fighting and knowing and allowing who I truly am are the easiest ways to commit to life in full and experience this commitment from true JOY.” What a blessing it is to discover this and like you, Luz, it was through Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I did. Thank God for Serge Benhayon.

  15. We create so much complications and hurts to not have to show ourselves in all delicateness and beauty, which I can feel for myself is what I am deeply longing for in the end. What I love about your sharing is that it shows there need not to be perfection and we can feel sad or be in reaction but the point is never let ourselves push that away as not good or unwanted behaviour but just let it be knowing we are still there underneath it all.

  16. I love this, what a great blog Luz. I know well the needing-to-be-right way of life. It’s all based on my own needs, fears, safety and comfort. I want things be a certain way as then everything is ok and I can carry on as is. It is very controlling. But when I let that go, I’ve found that not only can people get in but so can the magical flow of the universe.

  17. The problem I have found about always having to be right is the high level of control and manipulation we go into stops us accessing a deeper level of understanding of others and disconnects us from the ever present learning that is always available. So in effect when we need to be right we are denying the opportunity to let people in and also stopping us from evolving too. Allowing ourselves the grace to simply connect to our bodies and move from there is an open opportunity to let go of control and having to be right and to bring truth and learning to the forefront, which brings in deeper connections and the intimacy that follows is oh so beautiful to feel also.

  18. In wanting to be right, we have to make something/someone wrong. This is stifling to our innate way of being. To be able to live without that need and want, I agree, is a joy.

  19. When we let go of our hurts, there is no need to hold onto the need to be right, because we use the need to be right as a form of protection in order to protect ourselves from the hurts we already carry.

  20. Thank you Luz. Yesterday I had such a joyful experience with someone who years ago I would probably have reacted against. I could have felt let down, disrespected, unloved, uncared for, mistreated, dismissed, even abused by his behaviour but by accepting him absolutely and connecting from a pure place of truth and understanding we were able to have a connection free of any imposition . I could feel his ‘stuff’ fall away as I continued to be absolutely true to myself.

    1. Thankyou Elaine for your comment, I can very much relate to feeling “let down, disrespected, unloved, uncared for….” etc, from all the pictures and expectations I have had of others. It’s quite imposing isn’t it, expecting another to be a certain way so we can feel good. It’s wonderful what you have shared about being able to be in connection to yourself (and all the love and truth that comes with that), instead of trying to get a certain behaviour from another, and be in “connection” to them with a view to the end result of the hurt/empty self wanting to get its needs met. We can reconnect to our own essence and fill up with all the love we are instead. Thanks for sharing, it’s been inspiring and supportive to read about your experience.

  21. I still fall into this trap Luz, but when I don’t need to be right, life is much simpler and I create far less division and conflict.

  22. Such a deeply honest and inspiring piece of writing. I don’t think there would be a human being alive on this planet that would not have experienced some of what you have shared around your hurts. But not all are as honest as you. And I could feel the Ouch (for myself as well!) but not the sting, and for me, there in lies the difference of being able to see it and then let it go without giving yourself a hard time.

  23. To be able to let go of the need to be right begins to release the hardness within our body that has come from living in such an unnatural, but commonly accepted way. It feels like a back pack of heavy rocks has been cast aside and the ensuing feeling of freedom and lightness throughout the body is definitely joy-full.

  24. There is an arrogance in needing to be ‘right’ that stops us from seeing our expression as a development of awareness.

  25. I have recently struggling with this learning – again – I guess with understanding I am learning and it may need a couple of repeats ! It is so strong the need to be right when you are in it. What I get the most from reading this is allowing respect and grace.

  26. When we finally figure out that we do not need to be right it is such a relief for all concerned. Trying to be right is extremely stressful.

  27. Its hard to fully appreciate just how much being hurt, or avoiding hurt is driving our lives, our choices and our understanding. The presentations of Serge Benhayon have been crucial for me in understanding this, and finding the connection within to permanently change the role of hurt in my life.

    1. I agree Heather, we can set up our whole life based on managing hurts, instead of living from who we truly are underneath the hurts – our essence.

  28. Allowing people and situations to be, without imposing my ideals or pictures on them so as I falsely think to protect me from being hurt is still something I am observing and bringing more understanding and reading to.

  29. Many of us having been hurt in life go on to try to get everything right so as to avoid being hurt again, just like the so true examples you give in this blog, then we have protection on top of all this, and become harder and disconnected to our truth, ‘How much damage have I caused to myself by choosing to hold onto my hurts, give up on my delicateness and allow the hardness to take over?’

  30. We are very quick to point the finger when we do not want to see our own misdoings and ill ways of being. This can only be done when we are not holding ourselves and every other person as an all knowing Son of God. There is no space for judgment when we are aware of the fact that we are all connected and identical by essence.

  31. Just loved reading your blog this morning Luz. Thank you. Needing to be right takes up so much energy and puts us in a place that is devoid of joy so by stepping down from this righteousness and allowing a connection to what is simply true and surrendering to that we feel also the love and joy returning.

  32. This line resonated with me – I felt joy –
    ” the true meaning of JOY is allowing others to feel all the love that they are in their greatest moments, and to give them the space and freedom to be exactly where they are at.” I start by giving myself space to feel where I’m at. This in turn supports how I need to respond by feeling what I need to feel first and how I need to move.

  33. When we finally stop fighting our own evolution and embrace more of who truly are, we then have to deal with the momentum of ill choices we have made in order to create space in our lives with a deeper level of surrendering to what is and not the controlling and need to be right.

  34. Giving up on the need to be right, and instead surrendering to the willingness to be love is a life changing experience no one would ever look back and regret.

  35. It hurts to be individual and yet it has indeed been a huge investment. I don’t feel that I am fully aware yet of how big an investment but I know from experience that each time I let another bit go and feel the unity with everything it feels amazing. So much so it is definitely worth investing in connection rather than separation.

  36. Thanks Luz, this was so helpful to read today. This line is exactly the truth for me too, “The ways I think things should be are not based on what is needed and what works for all. They are based on my personal interests and my FEARS.” I often feel quite clearly when I’m in emotion it’s to do with some false need the little self has, which is not a true need at all but coming from a place of disempowerment and from attachment to pictures of how I think life and people need to be.

  37. Letting go of the right/wrong paradigm is a big one for most people as it is so engrained in us and offers us a moment to be irresponsible. There is therefore no love in right and wrong, just rules and regulations.

  38. We are so trained that life is about right and wrong, black and white and all the opposites that we do not even consider another way. What you share here shows how we can actually let go of these beliefs, step by step, and that there is an inner knowing and beingness within ourselves that does not ask for any investments and being right or wrong but allows for contentedness and joy in our life.

  39. “I prefer to carry on numbing myself and indulging in the ill patterns, rather than having to stop, feel and be responsible for the separation I’ve allowed and fed. It feels like too much to handle and it seems it would take too much time to reverse/change! I prefer to keep the focus outside of myself, and not have to deal with it all. OUCH!” Yes, painful but true for me too.

  40. “Wouldn’t it be amazing to detach from the outcome in all situations?” Yes. What I have been doing lately is ask myself the question, ‘What if it really doesn’t matter?’, this is helping to free me from the need to be right.

  41. We can live throughout life with an armour of self protection, that can weigh us down with every step. To live in a way that we are ready for “battle” at every moment is so very exhausting. To let go of the need to be right, and healing the hurts that fueled this need, can be very liberating and can totally changed the way you choose to live.

  42. Luz the more I’ve come to appreciate that I don’t need to be right, that its ok for me to learn, to ‘make mistakes’ the greater I’ve felt at ease and more loving I am with myself and others. the need to be right has caused me so many problems in the past.

  43. If everyone is holding onto hurts in the world, then that is an awful lot of hurts that are being lived and breathed each day. And as is shared here, a hurt sends us into a movement or reaction that is not us, so that is a lot of people walking around not as who they truly are. And that has a massive effect on the state of the world. So what an amazing opportunity to actually want to look at healing these hurts and allowing ourselves to live more of who we truly are. The question becomes – do we want to further indulge in these hurts and make them our defence, or are we willing to see that they are not us and that we can start to live in a way that is not in reaction.

  44. In my experience it is an absolute joy to let go of the need to be right. It’s something I’ve been practising for a while now and whenever I do let that righteousness go, I feel my entire body relax letting the love I am flood back into the space that’s been reopened within me.

  45. So much of what we do is about protecting ourselves from the hurts of life, and once that can be seen and unravelled day by day, a life as you describe that has understanding and harmony as normal is on offer.

  46. Luz Thank you so much for sharing this lived wisdom with us.
    i recognize it very much and need some more reading to embody all you share. Very supporting to nail this deep ingrained pattern.

  47. This is such a beautiful and powerful blog.
    I would like to add to the last sentence; to also start truly appreciating oneself so we build the love in the body what supports to not go in reaction too.

  48. A blessing to read your blog each time.
    How relaxing for the body to let go of the fighting and start to accept all as it is and to bring my love in.

  49. Wanting to be right and to prove to someone that you are is only fed from a place where we lack confidence. Confidence in the sense that we are totally connected to ourselves and the Universe and we are completely aware of the all. In this there is no need to be right. There is truth and that is there for us all to connect to.

  50. Recently I allowed myself to not defend what I believed to be ‘right’. It was so amazing to not feel this absolute need to let the other person know that they were wrong and I was right. I wasn’t furious or restless about it, I simply let it go, accepting that they had a different belief to mine at the time and that was that. I would like to say I do this all the time…but I definitely do not. It’s a work in progress.

  51. I love this blog Luz, I love your honesty and your commitment. I have a saying when I am in this dilemma to remind me of the futility of needing to be right and it goes like this . . .” you can never be right for too long before you are wrong again”

  52. ‘The true joy of not needing to be right’ – and what a joy it is to let go of that one – being right takes lot of energy and brings no true wisdom into the equation. – even if you are ‘right’.

  53. It would indeed be an absolute joy to never need to be right again and I look forward to that day. Over the last years I have become aware of more and more pernicious and seemingly subtle ways that “right” creeps into my life and have been seeing the harm of the energy of right which does not contain one ounce of truth.

  54. After having been one to always want to be right I too feel the absolute joy in letting go of this and simply accepting others for who they are. To let it go is a moment of grace felt by both/all.

  55. As I was crossing a street once I got talking to a man who shared quite openly and honestly with me about this life and in particular how angry he is about a situation. He did not feel to seek support and that it was effecting him very much. I asked him, what if we put a microphone up to his liver or gall bladder and asked the question about how the anger felt in the body? Would they say there was ‘not much effect’? He smiled and said probably they would say it. It was a timely reminder for both us that our bodies are effected by our emotional state much more than we think.

  56. Re-reading your great blog Luz. When we stop fighting and letting go control and just let people in, embrace them no matter what, we set ourselves and the others free.

  57. Luz, re-reading your blog makes me very still. You write exactly how I was living before and now come out of. To read it in this perfect fitting words is amazing and supports me to re-read it again and again for all the left overs of this behavior.
    I love Serge his words too: Serge said is that the true meaning of JOY is allowing others to feel all the love that they are in their greatest moments, and to give them the space and freedom to be exactly where they are at.
    This brings me in the responsibility to be love, to live it which is so my natural way.

  58. There is a word here in this piece that really stands out, it is the word ‘righteous’. This word always takes away for me the true harmony that can be there between people, because it makes one person’s actions or behaviours and thoughts right over another who is wrong. When the reality is that we are all learning and so no one person can truly be more superior to another. At the core of human life is equality.

  59. I had such a strong need for justice and going against the lies and in this pattern I was living a lie myself. As in true service to add to changes in the world it starts with bringing harmony in oneself and from there to others.

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