I have been hurt in life, not unlike many others. And because I don’t want to be hurt EVER AGAIN, I have a need to ‘be right’ and find ways to survive and protect myself.
In the past I have identified myself with a warrior battling though life. I have fought and rebelled against everybody and everything because I feel that if I didn’t go to extremes, I wouldn’t make a difference and justice wouldn’t be achieved – a far cry from the true joy of not needing to be right that I have been deeply longing for!
What I haven’t truly considered with this pattern is that the very first person that I am affecting and attacking the most is myself: a very sensitive, caring, wise, and precious self that inhabits a human body that is tender and fragile.
Here is also what I found:
- Needing people and situations to be right and change them is based on making things easier for me. It would make things to be closer to my ideals of being healed and happy. This will give meaning to my efforts and my investments.
- The assertiveness and efficiency I have achieved doesn’t come from a place of true service, it comes from a way of being that is driven and righteous. Ways I have created to compensate for my lack of self-worth.
- The ways I think things should be are not based on what is needed and what works for all. They are based on my personal interests and my FEARS.
- The compulsive need to express the injustices in others’ behaviours and situations comes from a pattern of survival and deep resentment.
This obsessive focus on others and their weaknesses is a way that I use to numb myself from my own deep hurt and the pain that it would cause me to really feel how far I walked away from my natural way of being. I prefer to carry on numbing myself and indulging in the ill patterns, rather than having to stop, feel and be responsible for the separation I’ve allowed and fed. It feels like too much to handle and it seems it would take too much time to reverse/change! I prefer to keep the focus outside of myself, and not have to deal with it all. OUCH!
There is a lack of trust in the fact that the real changes in this world occur by first changing me and the relationship I have with even the smallest and simplest of things. I haven’t given any value to keeping things simple, staying still and letting things go their way, while I express my gentle, sensitive, considerate, and present self.
What came next?
I got to feel the damage I’ve done to my body by holding onto quarrels and fighting so hard against others’ inconsistencies and arrogant behaviours. I can feel by doing this just how much damage I’ve caused to my stomach, my bowels, my head, my breasts and other parts of my body, every time I’ve fed that rage and rebellion in my gut.
How much damage have I caused to myself by choosing to hold onto my hurts, give up on my delicateness and allow the hardness to take over?
And the best part of all, I finally understood one thing I once heard from Serge Benhayon – my understanding of what Serge said is that the true meaning of JOY is allowing others to feel all the love that they are in their greatest moments, and to give them the space and freedom to be exactly where they are at.
Today I felt a JOY that I’ve never felt or acknowledged before, when I opened the door to someone I have been having a tough time with. I received them with no need for them to be different. For the first time in a very long time, the way I connected to them was not tainted by my judgments and my hurts. I accepted all of them. I felt that the last thing I would do was to fight and make them see, using all the power of my intellect with its most rational and accurate mental descriptions, why they have been unfair and wrong. I felt Joy that I had no desire and not an ounce of needing to be right, win or make myself be understood. I could only feel the gentleness in my body. I felt delicate. I felt a deep JOY for having felt me – and felt the other in absolute freedom.
After that, I asked myself from deep inside my heart:
- Wouldn’t it be magical and awesome to let my deep hurt go and be myself again? Can I let go of whatever happened to me?
- Would it be worth to consistently work on changing the movements in my body so it doesn’t go automatically into fighting mode?
- Would it be worth detaching from others’ way of being and behaviour? Can I just simply observe and lovingly understand what is at play in others’ reactions without reacting myself and wanting things to be different? What would I miss by letting others be in their truth and allow situations to unfold in their own way and time?
- Wouldn’t it be amazing to detach from the outcome in all situations?
- Can I stop blaming others for the failures in my self-centred investments?
- Wouldn’t it be amazing to walk in a body that is tender, healthy and full of energy AGAIN?
YES, IT WOULD BE AMAZING: I have experienced this, the power of my own love again. This part within has not been corrupted or hurt, it has stayed always radiant, FULL and beautiful. However the other ‘injured’ part resists! Paradoxically, in spite of its pain, it resists to let it go… where will it find its identification from? A big, mighty structure at risk of collapsing, threatening its ratification? All the time and energy it has taken to manifest, impose, influence, and win a place!!!? After all, it has been a huge investment! It would seem at times it is definitely proving infuriating to let go…
I can still allow myself to feel sad when external situations and behaviors from others affect me: I just only need to not push this sadness down again, until it gets so out of control that transforms into an opening where fury and rage can creep in.
I am such a precious being, why allow that harshness in my body and in my life? I can stay with me, while I let others be in their truth; this is the JOY I have lost a long time ago, that I have translated into an empty search for happiness and the need to impose my broken sense of justice.
I have been deeply inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine: nowadays I am able to feel more and more often the JOY of not needing to be right, the true joy that accompanies a life that is lived when I take my hurt self out of the way, and when I allow the easiness and playfulness of my true self to manifest again. My permanent focus is to not fight against anything, but to never, ever, give up on myself again and choose to withdraw from life. I am not scared to stop, feel and return – no matter how far away I’ve gone, I can always come back. I now know that it is far easier to commit to something for LOVE, than it is because of vengeance, revenge, rebellion, or to make justice.
Letting go of the hurt, the need to be right, and stopping fighting and knowing and allowing who I truly am are the easiest ways to commit to life in full and experience this commitment from true JOY.
By Luz Helena Hincapie, Architect, Bogota, Columbia
Related Reading:
The Need to be Right
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
‘Allowing who I truly am are the easiest ways to commit to life in full and experience this commitment from true JOY’ is a great reminder for me too. For when we don’t live from this, we become depleted as our energies are spent elsewhere. Coming from who we are means we are not pretending to be something else, and it makes space naturally for this joy to come through.
A working progress and a commitment too, that can take you to places we once have come from. There is more to life then just being right…
Hurts can certainly make me want to control things on the outside and then it means that I am no longer open to allowing things to be. The only way to deal with hurts is to let myself feel it in full and then let it go, which often is easier said that done, but then when you do allow yourself to feel in full then it is like one is so raw and sensitive (and this part can be hard to allow) but then it is not that difficult to follow through with the rest, and after all that it allows such a release. Nothing can replace this feeling of openness that comes from the release.
Hurts keep us separated. Healing brings us together as we don’t make it about another and we accept our part in it. Big difference when we live from latter than the former.
This is a very truthful, powerful, and inspirational piece of writing thank you Luz, ‘This obsessive focus on others and their weaknesses is a way that I use to numb myself from my own deep hurt and the pain that it would cause me to really feel how far I walked away from my natural way of being. I prefer to carry on numbing myself and indulging in the ill patterns, rather than having to stop, feel and be responsible for the separation I’ve allowed and fed.’ So much wisdom.
We can get so caught up in the need to be right we can bulldoze our way through getting a sense if there is even a discussion to be had. When we stop for just a moment and ask if there is any opening in the relationship for truth to even have a ‘look-in’, then we know immediately whether there is any discussion to be had.
I feel this should be mandatory monthly reading because each time I read it I get another layer of the need to control and how it poisons every relationship we have, including the one with ourselves.
“I felt a deep JOY for having felt me – and felt the other in absolute freedom.” Offering freedom to another to be who they are offers an equal freedom for ourselves.
So determined are we all to be right that we think nothing of changing the ‘facts’ or at least exaggerating them in order to back up our point.
When I think about how my body feels when I’m trying to prove that I’m right I can feel how it ‘clamps down’ on itself and how my jaw hardens and also how determined and single minded I get. It’s lock down combined with lock jaw, not a great combination.
Until we feel the investment we have in life and the feeling of being bankrupt or devoid of any material existence it is impossible to let go of lives comforts as we fight to hold onto those things we feel are a part of us when in truth we are in essence Love and in need of naught, thus bankrupt-less.
“How much damage have I caused to myself by choosing to hold onto my hurts, give up on my delicateness and allow the hardness to take over?”- I can relate to this in the past…holding onto the victim in my childhood.
However, this resulted in shutting people out in my life and not letting love in. Worst of all my own love for me was denied also. By having understanding we can learn to let go of our hurts and start returning to our true self…love, stillness, harmony and joy.
The trick with being ‘right’ is we think what that ‘right’ is and looks like, and we bulldoze our way through in our argument to conquer, and this doesn’t leaves us with the sweet taste we anticipated because our truth gets left behind in that pursuit.
So true, it is a picture we think we are trying to justify and justification just tastes bitter.
This is true Fumiyo, we are convinced ‘our right’ is ‘it’, but as you say we lose our truth along the way.
Accepting that I am not perfect and that in those imperfections life offers me many lessons, supports to take the discomfort out of those moments where I know I have made a mistake or haven’t been as discerning as I could have been. Being open and responsible for my choices in each circumstance liberates me from the idea that I have to be perfect and get things right all the time.
This is a great read the joy of letting go of the need to be right, to be heard, the right to exist in the world. To keep stepping forward and claiming each step of the way this is who I truly am.
To be honest and simply allow ourselves to feel things including our hurts, is the obvious answer to how to deal with them in truth, but sadly this is something we often struggle to do. We avoid this like the plague, we skirt around them, we beat around the bush so to speak. And yet once finally confronted with the hurt, though it appears to be this huge thing, it is a pimple compared to a mountain, especially when we get true support for seeing what it is and dealing with it. I love it when this happens and we get to overcome something that had a seeming control over us – it is the most freeing experience in the world!
No one likes to feel hurt nor feel their hurts, and so we can become very good at controlling things around us so as not to have our hurts triggered. This control can come in various different forms, be that being ‘right’, needing things to be a certain way, not wanting to hear some things etc etc. We can in fact get very devious in the ways we live that ‘protects’ us from these hurts, but in the end how much does this really help us other than managing life?
Spot on Henrietta, we become very devious at not feeling our hurts, so they will just keep coming back until we choose to heal them and let them go.
Having to be ‘right’ causes you to contract from yourself and the world you live in, and it is felt by all those around you.
Luz this is gorgeous, I love it, when we allow others to be all they are in their best moments and in there worst there is a space we offer them that is priceless.
‘I felt Joy that I had no desire and not an ounce of needing to be right, win or make myself be understood. I could only feel the gentleness in my body. I felt delicate. I felt a deep JOY for having felt me – and felt the other in absolute freedom.’ The liberation in accepting oneself with precisely where we are at is such a release, which allows us to hold another in the same quality. All we have to do when we find ourselves in reaction, rather than blame the other person, is to simply take responsibility for that reaction by uncovering the hurt underneath that impulse and let it go.
It was like a bomb of truth went off reading this, scattering dishonesty and futile choices everywhere! You write so richly of the human experience Luz, I could relate to everything although I was at times reluctant to admit it, yet the outcome of this honesty is our freedom to be love again. And yes, I agree, the only thing that makes sense of the confounding choice to hang onto our hurts is our identification with it all. Very inspired and humbled by all you have have shared, thank you Luz, I have saved this to my favourites.
“Letting go of the hurt, the need to be right, and stopping fighting and knowing and allowing who I truly am are the easiest ways to commit to life in full and experience this commitment from true JOY. ” Beautiful Luz. The need to be right is insidious and dangerous too, as we can alienate so many. I know what feels true for my body – and no one else can tell me that. So accepting others choices and live and let live – unless they are harming another.
“I haven’t given any value to keeping things simple, staying still and letting things go their way, while I express my gentle, sensitive, considerate, and present self.” I would definitely say that I have not appreciated thus not seen what does happen in life when I am not focusing on outside of myself but present with being sensitive, gentle and considerate. It’s got me curious now.
Joy is an awesome quality to feel through the body, it flows naturally when we let go of our created or perceived impediments.
Thank you for sharing your insightful observation, with honesty we get to see that the judgement of right and wrong never leads to absolute truth.
So true Victoria. It’s taken me many years to realise the ridiculousness of right and wrong. It’s a trap so many of us fall into – that takes us away from who we truly are.
The judgement of right or wrong is something I used to be caught in, it feels horrible. I have been learning to appreciate, accept, and be honest, and this is a more joyful choice.
Wow what a powerful set of questions. I love the rawness of the questioning, allowing us to feel that there is something deeper. We need to go there at the end anyway!
Luz this one jumped out at me today -‘assertiveness and efficiency’ – what a cover up for the lack of self worth. I have felt this in the past as it used to be my go to when in any situation as it was definitely my protection card and to keep people at arms length. How everyone looses when we are in this way of living.
Once we are aware of this it is not possible to put the genie back in the box. Understanding that I have worn a false confidence to mitigate against lack of worth has enabled me to work on that lack of worth. Feeling the difference in my body between that falsity and the natural loveliness that is there, there is no contest!
Oh I love this sharing! It is me to a tee, how you explain the needs to be right as a protection that you have invested in is so simple and clear. And the joy in reconnecting to your bodies delicateness and ease of being with another who has triggered a hurt previously is so inspiring. It encourages me to look deeper and let go of the binds of protection.
Holding on tightly to something is exhausting – be it right and wrong or anything else. Taken me years to know this one. Returning gracefully to who we truly are is liberating and joy can return. What’s not to like?
It is completely exhausting trying to be right all the time so it is a very great thing that we give it up.
Spot on Elizabeth, it is hard work and the one ball we cannot drop for that would destroy the facade we have put up, and would expose the hurt instantly.
To stop fighting to be heard, to be right, to be understood is huge. This way of living puts enormous strain on our bodies and when we start to let go of these patterns we can feel just how exhausted our bodies are as they have been using up so much energy to keep control and to defend. No wonder we all love our coffee as this is a stimulant that numbs us from feeling just how exhausted we are from all the defending we have invested in.
Being ‘right’ is so hard and does not achieve the desired outcome, only short-term relief. Instead resolve one’s hurt and then there is no need to be right.
‘My permanent focus is to not fight against anything, but to never, ever, give up on myself again and choose to withdraw from life.’ This is a beautiful Luz, to commit to life we feel more purposeful, we then have more energy and vitality. It is in the withdrawal from life we can begin to have more negative or depressing thoughts fed to us constantly.
How freeing it feels not to be bombarded with the game of ‘right and ‘wrong’. The images, beliefs and ideals that come rushing in to keep us off our true potential and purpose being to reflect patience, love and understanding.
There is no true holding of another in patience, patience is a game of the spirit, it lacks space, patience isn’t something that our soul ever experiences because it’s flip side is intolerance and nothing that the soul ever experiences has a flip side.
‘the true meaning of JOY is allowing others to feel all the love that they are in their greatest moments, and to give them the space and freedom to be exactly where they are at’, this is gorgeous to feel in my body, and a timely reminder to allow and accept others where they are at without any judgement.
The more I deepen the relationship with myself through self-care and appreciation, the easier it becomes to listen to my body, and to read life and situations first and thus avoiding reacting, the more easier it becomes ‘to stay with me, while I let others be in their truth’. Always a work in progress, and a great confirmation when we are able to stay steady no matter what is happening around us.
Beautifully expressed Luz, we can be with us and another while allowing who we are and who they are, without needing them or us to be any different. There is such freedom in this for us all.
Allowing is the key word here Monica and it is one of the greatest gifts we can offer ourselves.
When we let right and wrong go, we are left to simply feel what is there to be felt. Makes things super simple, and we can allow life in, in all its majesty and everything it has to reflect to us.
We could replace ‘needing to be right’ with any other need – needing to be perfect, to get it right, to complete everything 100% of the time, needing to feel a certain way.. the impact on our body is the same: when we cling on to the need, we harden and hurt our bodies, when we most need to let go, accept and embrace where we are, right now – without needing anything to be different.
Often we are so crippled by our need to be ‘right’ and our fear of being ‘wrong’ that we cannot see the harm we are causing to ourselves and to others when we do not step back and allow the truth to be felt, with no investment in being the one that is making others hear, see and feel it. We do not own truth. It is a quality of the Soul and as such it resides deep in the core of each and every one of us. Therefore the moment we impose ‘the truth’ on another, it ceases to be the truth due to the very nature of our delivery.
The feeling of not having to be right is so freeing beyond words. There is so much complication, push and unsettlement in the body when we make a right a wrong of greater importance over the understanding and willingness to build our relationships with others.
Images of what does it mean to make a difference may be a killer for they may force us to really make our way what is truly no way ours.
I would also say that it is a pure relief not to want to be right – because it is not about being right or wrong but about being true.
It is when we are willing to come together with understanding as the core of our connection and expression there will be no room for the words right or wrong.
The need to be right runs deep in us all and is a huge hinderance to us evolving back to the truth of who we are.