I am becoming aware that when I am talking to people I adjust the way I express and communicate according to how I feel the listener will receive my words.
When I’m talking, I often hold back and don’t fully express what I want to say because I am afraid of the person’s response, or how they may feel, or what they will think of me – this last one in particular is a big one for me.
It feels as though there is something else within me that I want to express when I connect with other people, some part of me that wants to reach out in a way that truly honours what I feel inside – not a set of superficial words that will gain attention but do not communicate any sense of who I am. I would like to change the way I communicate with people – not judging their expectations and the possible outcome.
It feels as though I have three main ways of expressing when I’m talking to people…
- One to my family
- One to friends
- And another truer way of expressing when I am connecting deeply to myself.
This last way is a way that has recently developed since being introduced to the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I am not being told what to do, but I have been inspired and it feels as though I have begun to open up to new ways and to making different choices.
The ‘old ways’ of talking and communicating with people no longer work for me and somehow don’t truly reflect who I am. I am beginning to have more awareness of the deeper effect of how my words impact on both myself and others.
In the past I always believed that no one would find out when I was grumpy – in fact, I would not have admitted this fact to myself, let alone anyone else. I can now see that it is so apparent as I can feel the tenseness in my body and face, and that tenseness is clear for anyone else to see and feel. Also, if I can pick this up from someone else, which I can, then it makes sense that they will also be able to see and feel it in me.
I was under the impression that the only part of my communication that anyone felt was from the words I spoke when I was talking to people: now I am beginning to understand that my whole body is communicating all of the time in one way or another and that my words are a reflection of how my body is – so if my body is tender so will my words be, and if my body is in anger, what and how I express will be tainted by that anger…
There are so many little giveaway signs with talking, communication and expression such as the tone of my voice, the speed at which I speak, and the way I put the sentences together. There is also my body language.
Why would I develop different ways of expressing and communicating with people? – It feels as though I have made life very complicated…
Looking back to when I was about three, I have realised that being totally myself did not feel safe. When I was truly myself – that tender, loving, precious little girl – I was made to feel and was told that I was too sensitive. It feels even at that age I felt isolated and rather than choosing to stay true to myself I abandoned my gorgeous, loving and playful little girl and enjoined others. There was an inner conflict in this that I felt inside: why was it that something that felt so true to me was rejected, even by those close to me?
The hurt and realisation of this is something that I have allowed to affect my behaviour throughout my life.
It feels at this point that I allowed others to decide how I was to talk, express and behave in the world: instead of trusting my own feelings and what I felt deeply inside, I handed my power over to what was outside of me. This feels like a betrayal of who I really am.
When I express to my family there is a familiarity to it that can be quite abusive. As a defence from what felt like a very unsafe world I learned to calibrate what I said in order to not be bombarded with this barrage of weapons. The words often felt like arrows going through my heart.
For the greater part of my life I have been holding back talking to people and expressing who I really am. As I grow older it feels as though there is an urgency to let go of all the control, manipulation and complications that have been involved with hiding from the world.
It is time to reach out and communicate with people how I feel, and to express from my heart in a new and beautiful way how I feel about the world: to begin to honour not only myself but also humanity, not allowing expectations to hinder the process. I feel truly blessed to have found a way that is loving and supportive through the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
At a time in my life when so many people are seeing the retirement years as a time that signals the closing years of their lives, I feel as though I have just started to truly live.
By Susan Lee, Hadleigh, England
Related Reading:
Expressing Myself and Being True