Communicating with, and Talking to People – No longer Calibrating my Expression

I am becoming aware that when I am talking to people I adjust the way I express and communicate according to how I feel the listener will receive my words.

When I’m talking, I often hold back and don’t fully express what I want to say because I am afraid of the person’s response, or how they may feel, or what they will think of me – this last one in particular is a big one for me.

It feels as though there is something else within me that I want to express when I connect with other people, some part of me that wants to reach out in a way that truly honours what I feel inside – not a set of superficial words that will gain attention but do not communicate any sense of who I am. I would like to change the way I communicate with people – not judging their expectations and the possible outcome.

It feels as though I have three main ways of expressing when I’m talking to people…

  • One to my family
  • One to friends
  • And another truer way of expressing when I am connecting deeply to myself.

This last way is a way that has recently developed since being introduced to the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I am not being told what to do, but I have been inspired and it feels as though I have begun to open up to new ways and to making different choices.

The ‘old ways’ of talking and communicating with people no longer work for me and somehow don’t truly reflect who I am. I am beginning to have more awareness of the deeper effect of how my words impact on both myself and others.

In the past I always believed that no one would find out when I was grumpy – in fact, I would not have admitted this fact to myself, let alone anyone else. I can now see that it is so apparent as I can feel the tenseness in my body and face, and that tenseness is clear for anyone else to see and feel. Also, if I can pick this up from someone else, which I can, then it makes sense that they will also be able to see and feel it in me.

I was under the impression that the only part of my communication that anyone felt was from the words I spoke when I was talking to people: now I am beginning to understand that my whole body is communicating all of the time in one way or another and that my words are a reflection of how my body is – so if my body is tender so will my words be, and if my body is in anger, what and how I express will be tainted by that anger…

There are so many little giveaway signs with talking, communication and expression such as the tone of my voice, the speed at which I speak, and the way I put the sentences together. There is also my body language.

Why would I develop different ways of expressing and communicating with people? – It feels as though I have made life very complicated…

Looking back to when I was about three, I have realised that being totally myself did not feel safe. When I was truly myself – that tender, loving, precious little girl – I was made to feel and was told that I was too sensitive. It feels even at that age I felt isolated and rather than choosing to stay true to myself I abandoned my gorgeous, loving and playful little girl and enjoined others. There was an inner conflict in this that I felt inside: why was it that something that felt so true to me was rejected, even by those close to me?

The hurt and realisation of this is something that I have allowed to affect my behaviour throughout my life.

It feels at this point that I allowed others to decide how I was to talk, express and behave in the world: instead of trusting my own feelings and what I felt deeply inside, I handed my power over to what was outside of me. This feels like a betrayal of who I really am.

When I express to my family there is a familiarity to it that can be quite abusive. As a defence from what felt like a very unsafe world I learned to calibrate what I said in order to not be bombarded with this barrage of weapons. The words often felt like arrows going through my heart.

For the greater part of my life I have been holding back talking to people and expressing who I really am. As I grow older it feels as though there is an urgency to let go of all the control, manipulation and complications that have been involved with hiding from the world.

It is time to reach out and communicate with people how I feel, and to express from my heart in a new and beautiful way how I feel about the world: to begin to honour not only myself but also humanity, not allowing expectations to hinder the process. I feel truly blessed to have found a way that is loving and supportive through the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.

At a time in my life when so many people are seeing the retirement years as a time that signals the closing years of their lives, I feel as though I have just started to truly live.

By Susan Lee, Hadleigh, England

Related Reading:
Expressing Myself and Being True

681 thoughts on “Communicating with, and Talking to People – No longer Calibrating my Expression

  1. Thank you Susan that you did not hold back and wrote this beautiful and honest blog. I have to admit that I was also a calibrating queen and I only can agree that allowing myself to speak out everything what is inside of me is a liberation and I have promised myself to never stop this again.

    1. I feel I know what you mean when you say you were a calibrating queen – it’s amazing how we become so adept at something that is abusive both to our body and soul and making life so complicated. When we decide to express more freely we find that the world is far more open to our beauty and joy as we are expressing our very truth and vitality.

  2. This is beautiful Susan, I agree that we are never too old to expand and develop our expression. My expression was extremely contracted until the last few years when I have started to realise the importance of expressing my feelings as opposed to bottling them up. Now I have understood that expression offers others an opportunity to grow, I realise the responsibility to ensure that I express.

    1. Gosh Doug, when you use the expression of being bottled up it so exactly described the way I have lived life – a bottle of fizzy water that was about to explode after being well shaken. When everyone is living life ‘bottled up’ it’s no wonder that there are earthquakes and tsunami as the planet can no longer sustain the pressure. As you say we have a deep responsibility both to one another and to the whole Universe, and this is awesome as we realise that expression is everything. As I allow myself to let go I can feel a sense of oneness building within and all my feelings emanate outwards and expand the space around me.

      1. Susan, it is great that you bring attention to earthquakes and tsunamis because we need to realise that these only happen because of the disharmony that mankind brings constantly to our planet. There will not be any proof of this except the increase of such corrections as the disharmony of mankind worsens which it has been and is likely to continue doing unless, or until, we change our way of living.

      2. It’s beautiful that what we speak of here Doug makes such sense of life and all that we feel is happening around us. For so long I knew there was an answer to the conundrum and only now I am realising that if I reach out in anger it has an impact not only on those around me but the harmony of everyone and everything that feels the vibration as the shock waves ripple out.

    2. Thank you Doug for raising the topic of responsibility here. It’s so true that what we say or hold back from saying has an impact on others.

      1. I agree Debra – we only need to stop for a moment and feel whether we have responded or reacted – whether we have contracted or allowed more space.

  3. You are so right – to express fully is not only honouring of ourselves but everyone else we meet and everyone else on the planet – everyone deserves the truth.

  4. Beautiful Susan, it is true, we are never too old to develop our expression, especially not that which comes from our innermost being. Someone said to me recently in feedback after a presentation I had given that I was the same no matter where she saw me… at work, as a friend or presenting to a group. I took that as a confirmation that I am at least becoming more consistent at expressing from the same part of me… and as I deepen the connection with myself, so will the depth of quality of expression deepen with me.

    1. The steadiness of your expression Jenny is palpable – no wonder people are recognising your consistency, It feels so beautiful as we build a ‘depth of quality of expression’ as this allows us to let go of any preconceptions and the need for forward planning becomes obsolete. This feels like we are beginning to live life fully in the present and more embracing of the future that is forever coming towards us, as we let go of the past.

      1. Yes exactly Susan, it is much more freeing to begin trusting ourselves in the moment, knowing what’s there to be expressed will be. It is a great marker I find for how connected I am and to what extent I have nourished that connection or not.

      2. You speak of nourishing our connection Jenny, and that feels like a beautiful way to deepen our connection. Nurturing and nourishing are something that have been missing from our lives but once we begin to realise that this is a natural and loving way to look after our body, we begin the process of healing and expanding our experience of appreciation and self loving. We make space for that natural tenderness and grace to emerge and blossom.

  5. If we hold back who we are, not only are we delaying our own evolution, we’re potentially delaying the evolution of others as well.

    1. I feel that knowing this supports us to change old patterns and realise that as long as we speak our truth we are not alone, and will be supported as we step forward to claim our truth.

  6. This is such a beautiful honest sharing Susan thank you, Communicating from the depth of who we are comes from the depth of our connection with ourselves first and this is a very growing and increasing awareness and practice as you share. This can begin at any age it is never to late and becomes a consistency of deepening forever evolving.

  7. It feels horrible when we don’t communicate in full, everything is registered and felt. We may feel we are getting away from receiving a reaction but this is not true as in this we are experiencing our own.

    1. Yes, Katie it’s insidious the way that when we choose to believe that we are fooling the world by holding back when what we are doing is abusive and self harming. Only in the past few years have I been willing to see these long entrenched and held patterns. It is such a freedom when we realise that letting go is really quite simple – and acceptable. When we speak our truth without any need to control, our words are clear and powerful and can be heard by the world to be true.

    2. Very true Katie, it does feel very capping when we hold back from speaking truth. The feeling festers in my body unless I make a commitment to let it go and realise that the opportunity will come round again!

  8. Dear Susan, I am only part way through reading your article today and have connected to the responsibility that is there for us all when it comes to not only reading how we and others are, but in offering to all the grace of understanding. This leaves us all the space to simply be ourselves where the pressures of how to be and how we should be are not present in that moment. We can all let go and be much more honest and tender with what we say.

    1. That is so true Leigh – we have an inordinate amount of responsibility to begin to change the way we interact with others in each and every moment. I love the way you so beautifully phrase the following way we can interact by ‘not only reading how we and others are, but in offering to all the grace of understanding. It feels so amazingly expansive to have the opportunity to offer this to someone – it’s a divine gift that has a huge influence in a world that is so full of misunderstandings. Even though at first this may seem impossible, it is a connection that grows and this is indeed something to appreciate when we catch ourselves becoming lost in the miasma of distractions that are there to divert us. With your words you are offering space and grace and this is something that is tangible and beautiful to feel – thank you.

  9. “my words are a reflection of how my body is – so if my body is tender so will my words be,” Beautiful Susan. When we speak from the body we, and everyone else, feel the truth of what we are communicating.

    1. Yes, Mary I agree and what the body communicates speaks louder than words. We are subtly communicating our every thought and bringing to the world a volume and quality of love and wisdom. As we learn that our every movement is felt by everyone all around the world as the energy reverberates across space. Once we begin to sense and feel the power of the slightest move we begin to feel the responsibility that we hold in how we express.

  10. “I am beginning to understand that my whole body is communicating all of the time in one way or another and that my words are a reflection of how my body is”. This is one huge lesson that when finally understood can make such a difference as to how we speak to others, for when we speak everything that we are in that moment comes with the words; to me it is as if the words are encased in the feelings or emotions we are carrying in our bodies and therefore have an impact, in a healing or harming way, on the person we are expressing to. So it all comes back to responsibility for every word that we utter.

    1. That’s very revealing what you say here – that ‘it is as if the words are encased in the feelings or emotions we are carrying in our bodies and therefore have an impact, in a healing or harming way, on the person we are expressing to’ – and your words allow us to feel the full implication of living so very irresponsibly. We have found so many deviant ways to avoid these ‘feelings’ although as we begin to feel the impact we then allow ourselves to observe and make decisions to change our expression in a way that is so much freer – and we can think ‘outside the box’ we have created.

  11. I have found that how and what I want to communicate is so much dictated by the way I move my body throughout the day. If I move in appreciation of the tender and sensitive man I am I give expression to that quality of being in all that I am and then, when I speak to someone, I will also do that from that deep and appreciative connection I can feel I do not only have with myself, but also with that other person I meet and communicate with.

  12. I always remind myself that I am not here to be nice, that is not the purpose of being in this world and being with people, I am here to simply express and in choosing to live in a quality of love in my day to day life, never in perfection but always in deepening awareness , and by virtue of such a choice, the quality chosen will come through my expression, and therefore, there is no thinking of what to say or how to say anything, it is simply allowing myself to express.

  13. If love and truth are the qualities we choose in life, and thereby the qualities expressed when we open our mouths, not perfectly of course, then no matter what the words are, it is the quality that is being conveyed. How another receives this is a choice that they have made to either accept or reject love, and that is their own love.

  14. Loved your last sentence Susan. We can develop expressing in full more and more, as there is always more, no matter what age. Doesn’t expressing in full make you feel younger as well? There are no limits expressing in full. I love expressing in full as well as my body comes alive and I feel very alive as well. It is the expressing fully from your heart. For long I was not shy to speak up or express, but there is also a BIG difference in expressing from your head and expressing from your heart. I am learning to speak from the heart, checking that I am connected to my heart and that I am in my body before I speak.

    1. Oh, yes, Willem I agree, it does make you feel younger when you are not hauling around all that baggage from the past, and express with love and grace from the heart.

  15. Excellent Blog Susan. A comprehensive expose on how we are always calibrating our expression and how by doing this we miss out on our most deep and connected selves. I know myself I have changed and calibrated my expression a lot based on what I think a person needs, where as If I took myself back I was avoiding just allowing who I am to be there, regardless of what or how the other person perceives me or how they are.

    1. And that feels like the key Harry – not to allow other people’s perceptions or expectations to cloud or divert us from expressing fully what we are feeling. I know I can still slip back at times – but the more I build a more intimate relationship with myself the more I want to shine my light. I have hidden it for far too long allowing ‘if’s’ and ‘maybe’s to get in the way. The amazing expansiveness that we feel when we trust ourselves that we are enough is more than encouraging – it’s awesome.

  16. I always feel that holding back in how I communicate has been a form of protection for me and I too have been calibrating my communications depending on who I am talking to. I am so much more aware of this now and find that when I have an awareness of my body posture and my breath my communication is more open and honest.

    1. I agree Anne – it’s wonderful to feel the expansiveness when I support my body with small adjustments to my posture. I instantly allow for more space in my body and the need to protect falls away as I claim myself fully.

  17. “At a time in my life when so many people are seeing the retirement years as a time that signals the closing years of their lives, I feel as though I have just started to truly live.”
    I have seen this happen to many people that become involved with Universal Medicine and there was a part in me that whilst I was only 35 when I met Serge Benhayon where I had withdrawn from society and kind of retired already myself and it was only then that I realised I had not truly lived and committed to life at all and I was missing the joy that this brings.

    1. From what you are saying Judith I can feel that the word Retirement, as in not working is also a ‘retirement’ from life for many people as they approach the last stage of their life, and yet I can also relate how I had withdrawn or retired from life at a similar age to you. Meeting Serge Benhayon has also supported me back into the real world again where I feel a part of modern life at a time when so many feel left behind by the present age.

  18. Calibration of expression is endemic throughout the world, not just in our society but in every country of the world… in some cultures it is deeply embedded in the social mores, in some firmly embedded in the social stratas… whatever form it takes it is pernicious.

  19. That feels so true Chris and not something I had felt into – but as you say it I can see how true this is. It feels like the whole of humanity is conspiring to disconnect us from our essence and our innate connection to God and the Universe – the very life blood of our life and what ‘makes us tick’.

  20. “At a time in my life when so many people are seeing the retirement years as a time that signals the closing years of their lives, I feel as though I have just started to truly live.” Love this Susan – same with me – Through the grace of attending presentations by Serge Benhayon and making different lifestyle choices and ways of expression, I have more vitality than even fifteen years ago.

  21. It is a false way of being to think that we can get away with how we are feeling from another yet this was how I too used to live. To be open with no holding back and allow everyone to see me as to where I am at is the way to be for me.

  22. It is an encompassing feeling being able to express freely to people, and this is an experiment I commit to everyday starting with strangers. It is not strange to start communicating so intimately with people that I do not know, as when this picture of not being able to communicate with strangers is dropped, it actually opens up a deeper depth of intimacy and communication with those close to me.

  23. I too have been inspired to open up to new ways of communicating without feeling the tension from holding back so much and to deepen my awareness to be able to make different choices that are far more supportive.

  24. Yes indeed there is in a way an urgency to let go of all the control and complications of our expression because it is vital that everyone of us returns to the essence of communication for mankind’s evolution, and every little bit counts

  25. Susan the fact that you are now seeing this as your life just starting is very powerful. I work with a a lot of elderly people and there is a strong sense of giving up and waiting to die. This waiting can also go on for some time and is painful to watch, especially by families. I love seeing elderly people who participate in life and are interested in people and the world. I have always felt very inspired by this. From your sharing too it is never too late to make this change.

  26. Recently, I saw a short video of a ballet dancer doing a visually beautiful series of movements. Could feel the level of self-abuse the dancer was inflicting upon herself. I was tempted to comment on what I felt and I finally did it. I knew that this was not going to sit well with the person who posted it, who I know. I could feel how much investmet comes in the way of true in communication and how much we have to say no to it to really say honour what and how you felt. Yet, once said it is said. You are free to keep walking.

  27. How we hold back and not express ourselves is very important to be honest about. Since I am more connected with my body I am aware of how, when I measure, please etc. it feels in my body and the opposite expressing what is there to express how it feels when I choose my own way. My body feels completely different, free and open, warm. And I agree Susan it is just a start.

  28. What an amazing moment it is when we realise that life is not about ourselves and we begin to let go of irresponsibility. It feels as though we have been struggling with this concept for far too long without realising how self harming and abusive it is. This may sound harsh but once we are able to begin the process of letting go of self we find that there is a richness and expansiveness that is way beyond anything we would have imagined. A natural flow enters our lives and we are able to live in harmony and joy with others – this is very much an ongoing process for me as I learn to not react to life and I now know that it is something that will continue to unfold as I become more responsible in the way that I treat myself and others. Life is all about how we communicate either with words or body language and when we can sense the energy behind this we embody a greater understanding of life.

  29. The last lines of your blog filled me with great joy Susan, to get to retirement and feel as though you are just starting to live is an inspiring path to walk. A walk many will be blessed to witness.

  30. We are kidding ourselves if we think another does not feel our anger (or any other emotion for that matter) in the way we speak, move or write – for our body is pretty much a microphone that expresses to everyone exactly what we are feeling.

  31. We forgot to realise that our whole body is communicating all the time and not just the words we speak. So I am learning is to be true and honour my own feelings, as this supports the true expression from my body. If I bottle it up inside of me, it is felt and express through my body through my movements, whether it be anger, sadness, joy or laughter.

  32. I love the realizations you have come to and how when you speak, your words are a reflection and hold the quality of how your body is in any moment. The responsibility we then hold is immense… for we are able to either taint or bless another through our expression even through just one word.

    1. That’s so beautiful Samantha as it brings into perspective the enormous responsibility we hold to express our essence and all that we are – and to not take any short cuts. When we accept responsibility at this level it is a joy and not a burden as we begin to truly feel how interconnected we all are.

  33. Susan this is very inspiring to be aware of my communication, and to develop a consistency in just being me and speaking from who I am across all facets of life.

  34. It’s one thing truly feeling what to say and another entirely to calibrate what we feel in order to try and control how another responds to us! It’s something I keep developing awareness of in all my interactions too. And I love how you say you are coming more alive now than ever before Susan – beautiful to hear!

  35. Our communication is honest or even true the moment we honor ourselves and thus naturally another, everything else is a limitation of who we are for the sake of avoiding the tension we expect from allowing ourselves to be seen in our fullness.

  36. Expressing in different ways to different people is an exhausting and draining way to live, as is holding back and not saying all that we can feel is naturally there to be said. When we let go, and just allow ourselves to be, the expression naturally follows – and so do our energy levels, and harmony in the body.

  37. You have offered so much to reflect on through what you have shared. I too now realised that our expressing is not only about to what we are saying to another, but what is more revealing of the truth is the quality of our movements in that moment. For if we are with ourselves we are with love and as such our movements are then an extension of that love. If we are not with ourselves and instead in separation to our love our movements and behaviours then reflect whatever emotional quality we have engaged in. Thank you Susan for there is much to explore here in bringing awareness to how we speak and listen to each other so that our expression is one the represents the truth of who we all are.

    1. It is awesome to read your beautiful comment Carola – as expression is forever expanding and bringing more joy into our lives as we are deepening our understanding of what is truly taking place when we live our human life. When I first wrote the blog three years ago I never dreamt that I would still be in a position of just putting my toe in the water, as I can feel that the deeper I go then the greater the understanding and wisdom. From where I am at today I feel that there are still so many layers to unfold as we let go of our need to be in human form as we one day vibrate from this plane of life – and still continue to express……..

  38. Truly expressing what we can feel is truly living. It’s when we suppress what we can feel, pretend to ourselves that we can’t feel it – or use other emotions and dramas to not feel what’s truly going on – that leads to that feeling of having given up on ourselves. The shut down and withdrawal. As I find my way back to truly expressing again, I can feel how much I’ve held back, and still hold back.. it’s like I’m still waiting for permission to express myself instead of going for it, no matter what the consequences, reactions – the biggest of which are usually my own, to ‘not getting it right’. The more I accept and appreciate my expression, the less fear there is around it and the less need for it to be accepted by others.

    1. Dear Bryony it was so beautiful to read your words this morning as they really opened up a space for me when I was feeling stuck. As you say ‘we suppress what we can feel – and pretend to ourselves that we can’t feel it’ and that is when I know I am holding back and pretending that I can divert my attention away from what I am being offered. When I feel stuck I am being offered an opportunity to go deeper and connect to that place within where stillness dwells and the wisdom of the Universe unfolds.

  39. “…I am beginning to understand that my whole body is communicating all of the time in one way or another…” – a great point, that we are communicating with one another all the time whether we are speaking or not and when we are speaking there is an energy that comes with the words we say from the energy we have chosen in our body first.

    1. So true Fiona – and it feels so all encompassing as we embrace the responsibility that comes with the knowing of the power we hold and the effect we are having on the Universe. As I retrace my steps back to a way of being that is a form of communication that far surpasses anything we are experiencing at present, I am realising that our irresponsibility is exposing just how far away from our true essence we are now living.

  40. In being aware of the bigger picture now, holding back feels very debilitating for ourselves and for others and realising that we have a responsibility to express the truth in everything we feel within ourselves.

    1. I too have been feeling how very ‘debilitating’ it is when I hold back and the impact this has both on my body and then how I express onwards from this point. When my body feels contracted this affects the flow and connection to my heart – how can I express heart-fully when my chest feels as though it is a cage around my heart – holding it back from expressing the true love that I hold in my essence.

  41. It is interesting the extent to which we communicate in fear (of reactions), masking the fear through self-control (holding back). Although this way allows us to sail seemingly smoothly, what kind of movements are we generating? Are the really smooth and fluid? Do they truly carry us forward?

    1. Although at one time in my life I would have felt I was fooling everyone I now realise that the only person I was fooling was myself. We are all innately clairsentient and we do not value this sufficiently – we can read everything that’s taking place but often self doubt allows us to be fooled by outward appearances. It feels beautiful to realise that as we connect more deeply we can be truly ourselves and join the flow of the Universe as we let go of harmful patterns that only impede our relationships.

  42. It takes a very steady dedication to the essence in side to be able to share ourselves with others, without inhibitions. A dedication that is worth everything when we can speak from ourselves and not in protection from our hurts.

    1. What you have shared Leigh is beautiful as it takes us deeper within to be at one with our truth. The truth has been so mystified and glamourised as something we attain but as we form a deeper connection to our truth we realise that there it is within our essence, something to be explored and understand. And as you say it supports us to speak freely without all the deceptions of protection and to be integrated and at one with ourselves and the Universe.

  43. “At a time in my life when so many people are seeing the retirement years as a time that signals the closing years of their lives, I feel as though I have just started to truly live.” And what a blessing for all concerned – that you are able to learn it at all. I am sure the last ‘phase’ of life for you will be awesome and joyful and you let go of all that never was you and learn to live the true you again. its crazy that in our early years, who we truly are is suppressed and knocked back time after time.

    1. It does feel awesome during the last phase of my life to be letting go of some of these deeply ingrained patterns. I am also aware that each time I come back to a particular lesson I am gaining greater insight into what there is to work on and let go of. As this process takes place I can feel that I am beginning to deepen my appreciation for myself and not fall back into beating myself up for having slips.

  44. When we don’t grow up being supported to live our truth, we simply spend years in the misery of living who we are not, and eventually give up thinking that it can be any other way. Its wonderful to find out, that the real person we are is never lost or buried too deeply that it cant be rediscovered by our choice to return to who we truly are, step by step.

    1. I agree Felicity – it is joy to be coming back to my innate essence – as we all are at some point going to do. It feels so wonderful to feel the support we offer one another as we gain deeper understanding of our true purpose on this planet.

  45. I used to think that I held back by not sharing how I felt, how irritated that I was, how frustrated things had become for me. It’s true being able to say this openly without trying to be anything was an important step. But now reading your words here Susan I get the sense that true communication only comes when I understand that every noun, every word is a vehicle for energy and it’s the vibration I put out that I am really sharing. So when I speak and arrange my life, am I communicating care? Am I communicating Love? Am I sharing in a way that understands we are all masters placed here, from above? When I do, I say what truly needs to be said. Even if it’s just ‘please pass the bread’.

    1. I agree Joseph there is so much more to expression than we may initially understand – the deeper we delve into how we truly are the more of the ‘what is not truly us’ we can let go of. As you say every part of our expression can be loaded or not and I know that I can still use the tone of my voice to imply what is an ingrained view or opinion I may have held on to, to control and protect. There is always opportunities to gain a greater and more loving understanding of how we can all relate to one another that is more embracing and harmonious as we learn to let go of judgement.

    2. Yes, there is so much that comes across in the tone, the timing, the movement. Words are the end result of all the thoughts we have had and the experiences we have lived and our ‘normal’ might be someone elses’ abuse.

  46. Susan your words resonated with me too ‘When I’m talking, I often hold back and don’t fully express what I want to say because I am afraid of the person’s response, or how they may feel, or what they will think of me – this last one in particular is a big one for me.’ I too was caught in this measured way of being, how much and what to say, it holds back who we are and at the same time it holds back the person we are conversing with too, so much easier and simpler just to express from who we are.

    1. Yes, Sally, although I was unsure of who I was because I only paid attention to everything that was outside of me – the whole of my focus was on needing approval and identification. As I build a more intimate relationship with myself I can express who I am with more ease and less trying – from a place with more connection and flow and realising that I do not need to pretend – and as you say we all are then more able to ‘ just to express from who we are’.

  47. Contracted communication (calibrating) does not honour the other person, nor the truth what we feel and know. It only helps to keep life at some level, a level we would like to believe it is it.

  48. Yes, it feels as though we have been conditioned to not allow ourselves to feel our true potential, and that what we are feeling at this moment may be awesome – and yet this does not exclude that the next moment may be even grander. I have often felt myself hesitate and withdraw when something has reached what feels like a culminating moment, and yet I do not allow that with further deepening this is just a step towards becoming divine.

  49. When I worry about what others may think of me or what I have said, or how they might react etc., the chances are I know somewhere – even though I may try very hard being unaware – that I was not being love in full, that there was an opening for something else to be expressed. As well, by going into worry, I am already not being love so I am already holding back what could otherwise be in truth. This is a constant learning for me.

  50. I loved reading that you feel you are just starting to live Susan. It’s never to late to make a change and get stuck in with life. I can relate to much of what you have shared on holding back your true expression. I am having fun with expressing what I feel instead of calibrating.

  51. Life becomes very complicated when we calibrate our expression to what we think others want to hear. When we give our power away, what comes out of our mouth is not inline with our body and one way or the other the body suffer the consequences. Your writing shows me, we can always make a start with opening up, no matter what age, we can choose to be ourselves and to enjoy life as it is.

    1. I so agree Annelies ‘ When we give our power away, what comes out of our mouth is not inline with our body and one way or the other the body suffer the consequences’ – and it feels as though as we age we are offered an opportunity and great healing to at long last change this. I know that for me it felt that my body was no longer willing to accept the lifelong contraction that was building up, and it felt that if I continued one day the hardness may have surfaced as a cancer. It is a slow process to change these deeply entrenched patterns but the joy that our body feels as we let go is something truly glorious as we become more fully our genuine and natural selves.

  52. We like to think we can get away with stuff – not being ourselves being one of the main ones. But everything is recorded and our body is one big filing cabinet of everything we have lived, intentionally and physically.

  53. Absolutely Susan, the responsibility we have is huge, ‘I am beginning to understand that my whole body is communicating all of the time in one way or another and that my words are a reflection of how my body is – so if my body is tender so will my words be, and if my body is in anger, what and how I express will be tainted by that anger’.

  54. At first it might be a bit of a shock when we realise something about ourselves, but it is actually the beginning of something new or more so the opportunity of change that we are willing to make.

  55. “I am becoming aware that when I am talking to people I adjust the way I express and communicate according to how I feel the listener will receive my words.” It takes a lot of honesty to bring this to your awareness and it is this kind of honesty that allows for great change.

  56. Very true Susan – a sharing of honesty that explains us why we might hold back – but how that it now becomes an illness in one’s body and equally a lack of support to another.

  57. It’s true the whole of our body is communicating all of the time even when we have dropped our awareness and feeling our body. The way in which we are living and making choices is reflected in the way we hold and move with our body way before we consider opening our mouth to speak. It highlights the responsibility we have to not impose on others and to live with an inner quality that offers a true reflection.

  58. By allowing others to influence how you would be and how you would express is as you say a betrayal of yourself, great awareness, ‘ instead of trusting my own feelings and what I felt deeply inside, I handed my power over to what was outside of me. This feels like a betrayal of who I really am.’

    1. Very lovely Lorraine – I have never seen this in quite this light before and the use of the word ‘betrayal’ allows one to feel how very detrimental it is when we do not remain true to ourselves.

  59. It seems to me that we begin to learn at a very early age that to speak the truth is often not greeted well by the adults around us; that they struggle with the truth that this ‘little person’ is sharing. From the negative reactions to our expression we eventually learn that to hold back what we are feeling is actually much safer and we may even feel that we are loved more for doing so. Slowly the calibration becomes ingrained and continues on into our adult life if it is not addressed. But it doesn’t have to stay this way forever as you have discovered Sue and that to me is so very inspirational. It goes to show that it is never too late to make a change in our lives and no longer calibrating our expression is one hugely important change.

  60. How do we truly break things down if we all hold out in the ‘I can’t say that’ line. It’s not about telling people what you really think either, it’s about checking in and feeling what there is truly to say. This part means we need to develop a relationship with our body to know feelings and to move in a way that supports us to truly feel. This way there is no stage or big event, just many little moments of truly feeling that then allow us to express all that is needed no matter what is happening in front of our eyes.

  61. Thank you Susan, “As a defence from what felt like a very unsafe world I learned to calibrate what I said in order to not be bombarded with this barrage of weapons.” Imagine if we all feel unsafe and therefore we are all calibrating, some are quiet, some our loud but neither are true? We would all be sensing and calibrating and, it seems to me we would all be incredibly confused!!!!

    1. And as well as confusion reigning there is a deep negating of who we are innately, and no small wonder we don’t know where we are or who we are. Just think how glorious we would all be if we became honest and open – that is certainly worth contemplating – and much more than that embracing in full.

  62. There is something so deeply poignant in what you share Susan that strikes a deep chord as I feel how I and you and many others have learned to not communicate how we feel and put on a facade. And I laughed as I considered that it’s so obvious to others when we are tense or angry and yes they notice, yet somehow we try and fool ourselves that we can put false words and they will not notice, but they do and more to the point so do we … we notice the betrayal of what we truly feel and it hurts us, and all around us. And then there’s all that complication, when if we simply express how we feel, life opens out and expands, and we become who we are or rather we allow who we are … us.

  63. I absolutely loved reading this Susan, how you’ve been inspired to just be who you are, and make changes to live more of that. Change is always possible, we just sometimes need a bit of inspiration to see that it is possible – and the amazing thing is, it’s not necessarily difficult. Just a choice, to express what we can feel in any given moment, and to let go of the ‘what will others think’ that keeps us all in the dark and all acting from behind facades.

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