I recently came to a realisation about the different ways I express myself with friends, family and people I meet for the first time.
The different way of expressing myself with friends compared to how I express myself with others feels like it came about as a way to offload some of the pain I was feeling in my relationships within my family. Often when I spoke to a close friend about what was happening within my family situation I would look for and gain sympathy, as we would also compare notes about how our parents treated us.
When I expressed myself to friends there was a feeling of familiarity – but it was different to how I expressed myself in my family. Talking with friends there was more equality, but the same lack of honesty. I would use my friends as a sounding board when blaming my family for my woes where I became the ‘victim’ who “had so much to put up with”.
There was so much blaming as I did not take any responsibility for my part in what was going on. Here I perceived I was creating another identity and also a connection to the friend who would also be berating their family.
Engaging in this way was far from being true to myself. I felt a deep urge to make a connection but didn’t know how to do it, and instead I reverted to an old pattern that seemed familiar. In desperation for the connection, instead of taking time and feeling into what was really hurting me, I would look outside of myself in a critical and judgmental way and choose a subject that would bring up common ground for both of us.
I was not ready to be honest about what was really going on in my family: I was going into denial and protecting myself by diverting attention away from the truth.
I came to a point in my life where everything appeared to come to a halt and I felt forced to take a deep look at how I was living my life.
I began having sessions with an Esoteric Healing Practitioner who reflected to me a new way of expressing – with clarity and love, but without the sympathy I was looking for and found when I confided in friends. I found this directness challenging at first until I was willing to open up and start being honest, both with myself and others.
The time spent in the sessions gave me a space in my life where it felt safe to be open and honest, and gradually and very slowly I started to be this way with others.
I have started meeting people at Universal Medicine workshops and events who like me, are learning to take responsibility for their lives and the way they live them. I am learning to express myself in a simple, clear honest way that truly represents who I am inside and who is not afraid of letting other people see my awesomeness. I am not perfect but this does not take away from the fact that I am a beauty-full, power-full and a play-full human being.
When I am in my fullness – in that I am not holding myself back – I am allowing the world to see me fully. Expressing from this place is much more freeing as I allow that tender, precious and play-full ‘me’ to explore and experience the world in a whole new way. In being able to see me fully, others can feel a sense of the fact that I am not hiding any part of myself or my life from them. I am not holding back and guarding myself and consequently others do not have to guess what it is I am feeling and thinking.
In doing so we can relax and be ourselves and have a great time. It feels as though I have wasted a lot of time not being myself!
By Susan Lee, Hadleigh, England