All My Life I’ve Been a Fixer

All my life I’ve been a fixer – I’ve listened to other people’s problems, felt that I’ve known exactly what they needed to do to resolve their issues, and been convinced that I was right, and then told them what they should do. In doing so I have taken on the responsibility for fixing whatever their problem is. I’ve spent hours thinking about different scenarios of how I could tell them, thinking of all the different things they needed to do to get a perfect result – and in doing so I have been distracted from living my own life.

I still do the fixing at times but nowadays, as I am more connected to how my body is feeling and what it is telling me, I become aware of a backache when I’m in “fixing mode”. What I’ve learnt is that this is my body’s way of telling me that I am ‘putting my back’ into, i.e. working on, something that is none of my business. And that’s not good for me or for them.

It is definitely a work-in-progress for me because I am amazed at how much my body tells me when I am willing to listen, so it feels good to develop that connection, developing my awareness of what I am feeling and sorting my own life out, rather than distracting myself trying to fix anything outside of me.

I’m not saying we should avoid helping anybody with their problems, but in my case, my arrogance in thinking I know what they should do and having no hesitation in telling them so, does not help them, especially if they haven’t asked me for help. And in any case, how I would resolve a problem may not be the way they would resolve it. My taking responsibility for fixing other people’s problems and being so forward with offering ‘solutions’ is not always the best way to support someone.

We all have free will and life is forever reflecting back to us the consequences of our choices; it is then our individual responsibility to learn from each situation. We can choose to be aware of what is going on and do something about it, or not. It is possible that providing solutions to another person does not help them to develop awareness or gain a full understanding of their own situation.

All my life I’ve been a fixer but now I am learning that true compassion is to simply be there, feeling what’s going on, creating a loving space where they can ponder on their own situation and make their own choices. This requires patience, understanding and allowing on my part.

I have practical role models in Serge Benhayon and the many Esoteric Practitioners who have trained with Universal Medicine. I find that their gentle presence always allows me the space to ponder my own issues. By the way they are with me I can experience how it feels to be truly helped with loving, tender care and the utmost respect. Not by telling anyone what to do or by trying to fix their problems, but by simply living in a way that offers a clear reflection for another.

Inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine

By Carmel Reid, Somerset UK

860 thoughts on “All My Life I’ve Been a Fixer

  1. Well summed up Carmel. “We can choose to be aware of what is going on and do something about it, or not.” Choosing to be aware gives us a greater understanding of life, each other and who we are. We ‘fix’ others through the reflection of our own livingness and awareness – the beauty we hold and retain. This speaks louder than words.

  2. I have read this a few times Carmel and it’s positively brilliant! I was very mature as a teen and a lot of the kids would come to me for advice, I found it overwhelming actually, it set up a pattern of being there for people and responding a certain way instead of feeling what was right for me and then for them each time. This was also a great line “It is possible that providing solutions to another person does not help them to develop awareness or gain a full understanding of their own situation.” So true, thanks Carmel.

  3. I am interested to see if my body will give me the gift of this reflection! I know I have had back ache in situations I least expect it and I often wonder what that is about. Now I will consider if I am putting my back into something that is none of my business…very possible I suspect so a great lesson to learn.

  4. Just reading some of the comments here really supports me to see that when we fix things we are trying to control the impossible. We all need to learn the lesson the world brings to us and trying to control everything just delays the inevitable learning. I hadn’t really understood it but your blog and all the comments really gave me so many different angles to look at it from it is now embedded in my consciousness!!

  5. You’ve just reminded me Carmel of how often someone will not directly ask for help for me, but instead complain about a situation, and I will always try and offer solutions or offer another perspective that I think would help them. However, none of that works if the other person is purely unloading and not willing to take any responsibility for what’s going on for them…and hence me trying to solve/fix the problem is a drain on my energy and a disrespect to them by way of not allowing them the space to come to it themselves.

  6. Just give me a problem and I will don my armour, grab the tool belt and get stuck in… do I take a moment to read why something has happened, to learn something from the situation? More so now than ever, and yet there is so much more still to read in life.

  7. Trying to fix people and things around us is a form of control so we feel better, but has it really just kept us away, or diverted us from looking at and healing our own problems.

  8. It is so easy to get trapped into fix it mode but what you share here is super important. To allow another space is vital to thier choices of living and what happens next, it can only come from within.

  9. Trying to fix another’s issue is purely a reaction to seeing them reflecting back an issue we have not truly dealt with and healed.

  10. Solutions are rife in society and for a solution seeker a problem fixer is the perfect person to find because a fixer is not offering true answers only providing ways of avoiding responsibility

  11. ” It is possible that providing solutions to another person does not help them to develop awareness or gain a full understanding of their own situation ” This is very important , people have their own learning to receive and when people interfere with this process , trying to be good or do good ,the learning takes longer for the person.

  12. So true that trying to fix anything actually does not work, but as you say, when we provide a space in which people can come to their own understanding is much more powerful and actually a way to be with everybody we meet.

  13. Also sometimes things do not need fixing , its just that the person observing from their judgement thinks it need fixing and therefore interfere with the natural process of free will of life and learning.

  14. Gorgeously shared Carmel. And as you have wisely said – ‘…by simply living in a way that offers a clear reflection for another…’ – this is how we truly offer support to another. For when we go into ‘fix it’ mode, which I do know all about, we engage in a behaviour that conveniently distracts us from bringing awareness to how we ourselves are living, and imposes on others the pressure to fit into an outcome.

  15. I think its a common disease we have, wanting to fix the problems of others. At least it certainly was for me growing up. Or rather not so much offering solutions…instead trying to absorb the pain of others so they didn’t have to feel it so much. Boy did that take a massive toll on my body. I’ve learnt now that there is another way to support people that actually works rather than trying to numb them out. And that’s to allow them to feel for themselves what’s going, and not to interfere. Be there to listen and support but not get involved and try to save the world. It never ends well.

  16. Thank you Carmel – that is very openly described. It offers the other person space and to come to their realizations and clarity if we live and breathe that – that is then their reflection (the best help we can show them)..

  17. Giving another the space to come to their own awareness and understanding is a very beautiful way for anyone to unfold gracefully an din their own time.

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