All My Life I’ve Been a Fixer

All my life I’ve been a fixer – I’ve listened to other people’s problems, felt that I’ve known exactly what they needed to do to resolve their issues, and been convinced that I was right, and then told them what they should do. In doing so I have taken on the responsibility for fixing whatever their problem is. I’ve spent hours thinking about different scenarios of how I could tell them, thinking of all the different things they needed to do to get a perfect result – and in doing so I have been distracted from living my own life.

I still do the fixing at times but nowadays, as I am more connected to how my body is feeling and what it is telling me, I become aware of a backache when I’m in “fixing mode”. What I’ve learnt is that this is my body’s way of telling me that I am ‘putting my back’ into, i.e. working on, something that is none of my business. And that’s not good for me or for them.

It is definitely a work-in-progress for me because I am amazed at how much my body tells me when I am willing to listen, so it feels good to develop that connection, developing my awareness of what I am feeling and sorting my own life out, rather than distracting myself trying to fix anything outside of me.

I’m not saying we should avoid helping anybody with their problems, but in my case, my arrogance in thinking I know what they should do and having no hesitation in telling them so, does not help them, especially if they haven’t asked me for help. And in any case, how I would resolve a problem may not be the way they would resolve it. My taking responsibility for fixing other people’s problems and being so forward with offering ‘solutions’ is not always the best way to support someone.

We all have free will and life is forever reflecting back to us the consequences of our choices; it is then our individual responsibility to learn from each situation. We can choose to be aware of what is going on and do something about it, or not. It is possible that providing solutions to another person does not help them to develop awareness or gain a full understanding of their own situation.

All my life I’ve been a fixer but now I am learning that true compassion is to simply be there, feeling what’s going on, creating a loving space where they can ponder on their own situation and make their own choices. This requires patience, understanding and allowing on my part.

I have practical role models in Serge Benhayon and the many Esoteric Practitioners who have trained with Universal Medicine. I find that their gentle presence always allows me the space to ponder my own issues. By the way they are with me I can experience how it feels to be truly helped with loving, tender care and the utmost respect. Not by telling anyone what to do or by trying to fix their problems, but by simply living in a way that offers a clear reflection for another.

Inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine

By Carmel Reid, Somerset UK

823 thoughts on “All My Life I’ve Been a Fixer

  1. Carmel, I too have a been fixer, and probably for the recognition I have had from doing this. I am so much more aware of this now but it still creeps in occasionally, especially as some around me still expect it of me! I created that dependence. I am also using my reflection when with others rather than “helping” them. Very revealing for me!!

    1. Fixing someone to make us feel better is such a common human reaction to the world, and yes, all about controlling the world around us, when all we have to do is let it be and others come to their own way of being, whatever that is for them.

      1. Its true Ariana, fixing the problems of the world around us is only us reacting to and trying to control the world around us. Good call.

      2. Many of us make judgements about other people and I love you words Ariana, ‘all we have to do is let it be and others come to their own way of being, whatever that is for them.’ That reminds me to be more accepting – the other night I was woken by neighbours having a shouting match in the street – it’s happened before – it felt horrible and I had an urge to get involved but didn’t for my own safety and also because it wouldn’t have resolved anything, just interfered and probably caused more shouting. What it did, though, was make me reflect on how I had been living and how I have lived and argued in the past, and what I can choose to change in my own life now.

  2. Carmel I appreciate that what you shared in your blog is perfect timing for me just now. These words are so important ” Not by telling anyone what to do or by trying to fix their problems but simply living in a way that offers a clear reflection for another” Thank you Carmel.

  3. I love reading about letting go of being a fixer… Having been a deeply entrenched fixer myself ☺, and to know how this seemingly intractable pattern of behaviour can be let go of is something that really does need to be retold again and again, to inspire others that it is possible to let go of the old controlling paradigms

  4. Carmel, I have not been a fixer in this sense as offering everyone else solutions to their problems, but I have and do know at times I can still put other people before my own well being and health, this helps nobody, I actually get exhausted and in turn the space that is required for all both of us to learn is not there. I find when I am still and connected deeply to myself then I observe and allow things to just pass by me.

  5. The power of clarity in another can offer us a truly deep healing. Words need not even be shared, but simply by their living reflection of God, they show us we are, by the grace of God, that same love, truth, deep wisdom and care.

  6. Beautiful reminder here Gyl, that sometimes we do not even have to say anything to another to suport them, but we can simply be a ‘living reflection of God’, showing that they too are equally a divine being, with access to the same love, wisdom and truth.

    1. Absolutely Sandra, massive reconfiguring happens just by true presence. As Serge Benhayon states ‘ If everything is energy, then everything is because of energy’, and our energetic state of being reflects much.

      1. It still amazes me sometime that our reflection of being is enough. I have been a fixer too with a big controller behind it. I now realize there was a lack of understanding and an arrogance behind it. The idea that everybody should get it, but also a disregard of the proces e.g.that we all have our own time and space to learn, grow to come to an awareness of something. Deep down it was my own impatience with myself that I was not living perfectly without the messiness of learning/life. Now I just take myself, others and situations (more) as they are. It is the love within this aceptance that transforms.

  7. Well said Carmel ‘ how I would resolve a problem may not be the way they would resolve it. My taking responsibility for fixing other people’s problems and being so forward with offering ‘solutions’ is not always the best way to support someone.’

  8. There is a certain level of respect lacking when we launch in to fix someone else’s problem and it’s a whole new perspective to consider that by not doing this we allow them to grow. We have been tricked by the idea of doing good rather than feeling what was true and necessary. Thanks Carmel for your blog. It presents this other perspective so clearly and well.

  9. We can even try and fix ourselves – find solutions for our own problems, situations and issues, rather than feeling from a place of stillness within if anything is needed to be done or not. I recognise the addiction to fixing well, it has so many facets for the one same game – not to feel our own stillness within.

    1. Fixing ourselves or ‘self-improvement’ is a massive world-wide hobby for many people, I know I have played that game, and you are absolutely right, if we connect to what is already inside us no fixing needs to be done.

  10. Thank you Carmel, I can relate to what you are saying, I have been a fixer in my life and I feel I have taken on a responsibility that was not mine, which took away the opportunity for the person to learn from their mistakes and take responsibility for their choices. These days I understand that is ” Not by telling anyone what to do or by trying to fix their problems, but by simply living in a way that offers a clear reflection for another.”

  11. In a recent clear up at home, I came across an old school report that, despite all the ‘Good’ and ‘Very Good’ comments, there was one that said: ‘Carmel has worked well and steadily but time is sometimes wasted on the affairs of others’. I was 8 years and 4 months at the time, so getting involved in other people’s problems was a pattern already well established. It could well have been a distraction along with trying to be good, from the misery of being a boarder at such an early age, desperate to feel some kind of ‘love’.

    1. I too have spent a fair amount of time getting caught up in the affairs of others and have come to see that it is a complete waste of time. It neither supports myself nor the other person. There is a still small voice within each of us who knows exactly what to do in any given situation and when we rush in and try and fix things for others we deny them their right to exercise their own innate knowing. This in fact is complete arrogance on our part and something to be avoided.

    2. I can relate to what you have shared here Carmel with “fixing” starting at an early age, it’s an opportunity to be seen, to feel needed, and to feel of use when underneath we just want to be met and loved for who we truly are, not for what we do.

  12. It is a great help to have someone who is just there, not trying to fix your problems, but just supporting in making your own choices. I can feel that there are so many moments that people try to solve our problems, which really doesnt work. They are not your own choices but ones from someone else and so you are not empowered to truly change something.

    1. And then we have a big chance that we will get a same kind of problem to look at, or the problem is not really away. This way our soul gives us a new opportunity to learn about it ourselves, like you said Benkt so we empower ourselves.

  13. This weekend past I have come to realise that I still play ball with the “wanting to fix things”. I have noticed I can identify what I need to work through for myself but the pull was still there to do that to others. There is no support in fixing as this limits another’s potential to grow even though it is often masked as doing the “right thing”. It is when we identity what we need to work on that we then have a choice to make changes and that can only come from each individual for themselves.

  14. What a wonderful saviour complex fixing things feeds. I find that if I want to fix something, then I have not listened and if I have not listened then I am not supporting the person who I am supposed to be helping by fixing…. I really have to discern before fixing anything.

    1. Good point, Lucy, ‘If I want to fix something, then I have not listened’ and when we understand that simply by being there and listening, with no attachment, we go a long way to truly supporting others, because if we listen, they listen too and in that still silence they can hear the wisdom within themselves.

  15. Like you Carmel, in the past, I have alway been a fixer; today that fixer energy no longer plagues me. I can support, encourage, appreciate and speak my truth without having a need to control, fix and find solutions. A huge heavy energy has been lifted. Thank you Carmel for helping me appreciate this fact.

  16. Thank you Carmel this is an awesome article and a great reminder to allow others the space to learn form their mistakes. In the past I have always played the role of ‘fixer’ as well, it made me feel better about myself and I thought I was actually helping people. Letting go of this role and seeing it is not truly supporting another but rather controlling the situation for my own needs has been huge and allowing others the space to unfold in their own time is certainly a wiser choice for all involved.

    1. Yes, I like happy endings but trying to force one does’t give space for people to learn for themselves whatever it is they need to learn. Like many who have commented above,I find it amazing how many times I/we try to control an outcome instead of allowing things to unfold in the grace of their own time.

  17. Carmel, the fixing behaviour is a massive problem for so many people. I can get a sense that it is a form of control, not allowing another the space to come to their own understanding in their own time. As in-truth all they need in that moment is the holding of our love and understanding. This is what truly supports another to grow.

    1. I agree, Joshua, it’s as if the fixer is uncomfortable with another’s angst, maybe absorbing it instead of simply observing, and the trying to fix is a way of restoring comfort. As you say, all they need is ‘the holding of our love and understanding’ and then miracles can happen.

    2. Beautifully said Joshua and Carmel as holding and supporting others nourishes them to learn and grow. Taking away what they need to learn themselves not only burdens you with their issues but is not truly healthy for anyone.

    3. Agreed Joshua, fixing can be quite imposing on another’s evolution as it voids them of true understanding of self-responsibility in life, also we need to understand and accept that sometimes people are not ready to make certain choices and that is totally ok as long we offer a true reflection of who we are.

      1. Yes and fixing is also an avoidance of our own evolution as we are negating the true learning an understanding that such a reflection offers

  18. I actually saw this blog and wanted to avoid reading it – I knew there something there. I didn’t think I was a fixer but I am! Not to the same extent as you have shared, but fixing energy or wanting to get involved dare I say it in other peoples stuff has been and is still there at times, but getting involved doesn’t help anybody. It is actually a chosen complication, a distraction to take me away from simplicity. I also wonder if it comes from a lack of self worth. It’s amazing how subtle and sneaky this energy can be. I actually don’t need to do anything apart from be me – and allow others to make their own choices with understudying and grace.

    1. It is indeed a subtle and sneaky energy, recently I was talking with a friend about our current issues and I was sharing how I was dealing with my stuff. After our meeting I felt hungry and it wasn’t mealtime, so I knew something was up. When I allowed myself to feel what was going on, I realised it was because as I was talking I had gone into ‘fixit’ mode instead of staying connected with my own body. Obviously I am still hooked on other people getting it my way instead of allowing them to feel and find their own solutions. It was uncomfortable but great to feel and showed me how, even when I think I’ve let go of a particular issue, there is always another layer to explore and release.

  19. In all honesty this blog has got me processing like heck, I choose to try and fix so much stuff, from the kids at school, family, relationships, friendships, basically other peoples stuff, whilst all along this is deliberately taking me away from me, my body and something I don’t want to feel. Could it be how simple life is?

  20. I had to laugh when I read this blog, because it reminded me of the Australian politician Christopher Pyne, who when challenged on his handling of a political issue, replied ” I fixed it. I fixed the problem.” It was such a male way of looking at the world, and so ludicrous as to be funny. That said, yes, our propensity to want to “fix things” often comes from a place of needing to control things so we don’t get hurt. As men especially, we care deeply for the world, but are equally hurt by it, and so we often fall for the trap of showing our care by wanting to “fix the problem.”

    1. . . . and when it comes to home life, sometimes women don’t want a solution, we just want him to listen . . . and I am aware that for some men, feeling helpless is not a comfortable place to be, not realising that just by being there, they ARE helping. Many of us women have such low self worth we are great at making our problems small, whereas a man listening and giving us space to explore, can be so affirming, and gives us the opportunity to value what we have to say.

      1. very true Carmel. Except when the sharing is simply done for indulgence. Men and women seemingly deal with their issue differently, and yet both methods rarely bring them to truth. Men tend to take time to themselves and keep it within. Women tend to want to talk it out. We could learn from each other here, for within both is a grain of truth, and a grain of bastardisation.

        In the case of men, what is most important is that we learn to express with others, and not be so inward. For self reflection and pondering is great, but so often this is turned into burying on’e issues and isolating oneself from others – not so great.

        In the case of women, it would serve sometimes to reflect more inwardly, rather than looking for the relief of sharing an issue with someone else. Talking it out with others is great, if such an action is designed to assist one to get to the bottom of something, and to draw on the combined wisdom of both parties. But if talking it out is just done to bring relief (which it often is), or to find solace in another’s sympathy (which it also often is), then no truth can ever be found, and more often than not the conversation becomes about a whole series of “issues” that are not even real.

        So…sometimes a man’s resistance to a woman’s want for him to listen is actually true, for he can sense the need for the woman to offload her day and gain relief from the tension of what she is not coping with. Similarly, a woman’s call for a man to come out of his shell and express his day is also often true, for she knows how the tension he carries but does not nominate will invariably play out should he not express what is truly going on for him.

      2. I am having an “oh dear” moment, having read your comment Adam. Yes, I can relate to the talking for relief and the talking done to deliberately shore up the magnitude of the problem and enshrine it. Solutions are met with lashing out….”i don’t want answers!! I want my problem thank you very much!”
        Solutions can be imposing and can also expose a tendency by men to trivialise, but they can also reveal that the enormous problem we are discussing is not enormous at all and can be very simply resolved.
        We have a great deal to learn from each other, men and women. In observing each other we can sift the grains of truth from the multitude of grains of falsehood…none so ingrained that they cannot be healed and released.

    2. And the frustration that ensues when they cannot is something to behold! Please don’t read the word “they” and imagine I am pointing a finger. A lot of women (hands up by the writer) have the same approach of taking a spanner to life to make it all better. And if we don’t we have other ways of dealing with it that are, if it may be said so bluntly, equally ineffective, imposing and sometimes downright destructive.

      1. when you think about it, it is quite imposing to “offer a fix it solution” to another’s problems, just as it is just as imposing to expect someone to listen to your problems if you are not expecting them to give honest feedback on how they see it.

    3. I love your perspective of “fixing it” from a man’s perspective Adam, I’ve noticed too that especially when men try to fix problems, there is a huge amount of care behind it, it’s just slightly misplaced.

  21. A great and timely reread Carmel about poking my nose into other people’s business! I am finding that it is much more tempting to do so in the most subtle ways with elderly people, my parents included. They may not be up on all the current worldly resources available to them but they can feel what is true for them and however their decisions unfold, is absolutely their right to choose! The subtle thoughts I may have about their choices can be an intrusion too.

      1. “I keep catching myself leaning in to impose” A big one for me also to watch out for as this can, just creep up into an old familiar pattern when I feel that my choices could help another. When in fact it has the opposite effect.

    1. Yes, I know that one all too well bernadetteglass. It is extraordinary how ‘clear’ we can be about what everyone else should do, but so blurry with our own issues!
      I am reminded of Shakespeare’s line in Macbeth “If you can look into the seeds of time and say which grain will grow and which will not, speak then to me… ”
      Our solution based minds reduce everything into a line from problem A to obvious answer B, but who knows what the person with problem A needs for their true development, their evolution? Solutions followed like the recipe in a cookbook do not develop our potential. Sometimes it is the meandering path, populated with wrong turns, that wakes us up. A waste of time? Yes, but surely what we need is to be really woken up..not just clever with what someone else told us to do.

      1. Everyone is a better observer of others than they are of themselves. This is why in order to truly understand life you have to be willing to look within, for your ability to observe another is always tainted by your perception of how you see yourself.

  22. Like you Carmel I too am a notorious fixer upper but I am starting to realise just like you did that when we take on and absorb the problems of others and the problems of the world, it does not in any way allow others to let go of the old and work through what they need to learn. Great blog.

  23. Providing solutions to another is a way of protection and control that comes from images we hold about how life should be, this is very taxing in our bodies and constricting of the essence we are all made of – love.

  24. I was also a ‘great’ and ‘fanatic’ fixer with the same motive behind my actions as you Carmel describe so well. And boy oh boy how much I feel more free now since I just listen more to people and not try to help them or solve anything. Just listening, being quiet, enjoying the moment and not going in the ‘problem’ of the other. My life gets so much more simple because of this choice and sure I am there if someone asks for support. My body is clearly telling me which ‘way to move’.

  25. A really honest account about realising the true impact of our actions on others. We may be able to tell, see or know exactly what the right solution might be for another, but if we try to fix it, we are imposing our will. In so doing, we take away another’s personal growth and instead replace it with disempowerment and dependency, slowing down their choice over when and how to take responsibility and ownership for their issues.

  26. Thank you Carmel for a great article and one I can relate to. I have become aware that when i go into fixing mode I am avoiding being with me, that there is something there I do not want to feel, avoiding my own responsibility. This is the key “Not by telling anyone what to do or by trying to fix their problems, but by simply living in a way that offers a clear reflection for another. “

  27. ‘ I am amazed at how much my body tells me when I am willing to listen’. I love this line, it stands out like a beacon for me. Having made the decision to listen, yes our body talks. I remind myself of this during the day, listen, listen – not to the thoughts that tell me I’m this or that, but to how my body feel’s – it seems to have a far greater intelligence than my mind any day, and heaps more common sense.

  28. We can only be responsible for fixing our own problems and in doing that offer a positive example to others.

  29. Being a fixer can also be controlling. This tends to be related to needing things to be a certain way, without allowing the space and grace for all that is to take place.

  30. Thank you Carmel for your story. This is a subject that I have had situations play out on both sides of the fence. As the fixer of a situation and to be fixed. Both is not supportive and allows no space to move.

  31. The arrogance of we can always help can come from trying to be that awful word ‘nice’ to everyone. There are things that everyone needs to experience for himself or herself that are the consequences of their choices. Only by reading and feeling can we support or offer things for others to as you have said Carmel things others can ponder on.

  32. Not only is it incredibly arrogant to think we have the solution to other peoples problems, by trying to ‘fix’ them we are communicating to them that we think they are ‘broken’. So not only are we denying them the opportunity to learn what any particular situation/issue is there to expose, we are also basically saying that they aren’t capable of sorting it out for themselves.

  33. This is a huge learning Carmel, not to think I can fix others or myself, as I have thought I could in the past but to be more connected to myself, live it by simply be me. Then we can all see the changes that are made by observing each other and the reflections we emanate.

  34. Carmel I can so much relate to what you’re written, I too have been a fixer and I’m learning to let go and allow others to come to their own thing in their own time, as I’ve learned and realised that my wanting to fix is all about control and an outcome I want or a picture I have which is nothing to do with what may be needed for the other at all – effectively when I am in fixing mode I take over and make it about me ‘rescuing’ them and it’s not about their learning and their evolving, ouch I’ve just felt how much I’ve lived this energy and how in it, I’ve avoided my own things that need to be addressed so super gorgeous timing to read this blog, thank you.

  35. Thank you Carmel for starting the conversation! There are so many great comments also. I agree that trying to be a Mrs. Fix it in the past was not as great success . The need for someone to see from your (my) perspective is definitely arrogant and not respecting someone else’s ability to work through their own issues in their own way at their own pace!

  36. For most of my life I also have been a chronic fixer, rescuer and problem solver; not any more. Thanks to the teachings of Serge Benhayon and my own choices I am now able to let go and allow others (and myself) to just be. What you have written here is the key;
    “Not by telling anyone what to do or by trying to fix their problems, but by simply living in a way that offers a clear reflection for another. “

  37. Carmel you describe the art of true support: “Not by telling anyone what to do or by trying to fix their problems, but by simply living in a way that offers a clear reflection for another.”

  38. Recently I became aware of how much time I spend on finding ‘solutions’ for myself and with others. Letting go of this pattern has been interesting as it has been so ingrained in me for a long time, it has been a way of protecting myself from any hurt. Of course this doesn’t truly work or support me in anyway to live with this level of control or look for ‘solutions’ anymore, it feels empowering when I allow the space for things to naturally unfold.

  39. I can totally relate to this. The sad part in trying to be a fixer was that it was only ever for me, never to truly support the other. It’s like fixing someone who I deemed to be broken (judged) was used to feel good about myself and also to avoid truly connecting to another in an unloving and unprotected way to feel how I could truly support them. It’s amazing how much ‘being good’ or ‘nice’ is used as a way to hold walls up between people.

  40. You’ve really called something out here Carmel! It is amazing how much fixing some of us think we’re doing. I too used to be a huge fixer. I remember literally losing sleep over other peoples problems and so desperately wanting to be the knight in shining armour that resolves it all. I feel sick at the thought of it to be honest. Being so invested in other peoples problems is a bit off. These days I’m able to stand back and observe and let others deal with their own stuff. I’m not completely free of this need to want to add my two bobs in however, but I’m much much more aware of it now.

  41. Being in sympathy is actually a really horrible feeling when we connect to ourselves. It’s a huge giving up of responsibility and something as a society we grossly over look.

  42. Great blog Carmel thanks, ‘taking on’ another’s problems is a great energy drain as you suggest and leaves both people feeling powerless. I have been amazed at the alternative way of being where you simply support someone with presence and connection and you feel how this is deeply appreciated and allows another the space to see the simple way forward.

  43. I can really relate to distracting myself from my own issues by focussing on trying to fix the things that I perceived as problems for other people whether they recognised them or not! My body also gave me lots of signals which for many years I chose to ignore and arrogantly persist in my ‘fixer’ persona. Choosing to heal my issues and being available to support others if they ask for it is still a work in progress for me but taking responsibility for myself allows more space for others to do the same.

  44. Offering a reflection to another is so much more powerful than trying to impose a solution that usually comes with an in-built agenda.

  45. I too have been a fixer Carmel, thinking that by helping them with their problems that it was a loving thing to do, not realising that back then ,I was taking their power away and ignoring the responsibility i have for my own life. This is simply it in a nut shell “Not by telling anyone what to do or by trying to fix their problems, but by simply living in a way that offers a clear reflection for another.”

  46. The title says it all for me, I too can related to this, being a fixer all my life. Wanting to fix others, help them, please them, yet in the process negating my own needs. But more importantly, I subscribed to the ideal and belief that it was in some way my responsibility to ‘fix’ others, when in fact that is not my business nor responsibility to do that. Not for anyone, only oneself.

  47. It is not about being callous and turning your back on someone who has a problem albeit probably a self created one, it is about being there for them, providing a reflection for them, but definitely not about seeking solutions for them. I too used to do this all the time until one day I learned that I was actually doing the opposite of helping them, I was in fact preventing them from learning a lesson that they needed to learn and so I was trapping them where they were and in effect forcing them to have to repeat the situation all over again.

  48. Love your blog Carmel, there is so much space in not feeling we have to fix everything for everyone. I loved reading this as it is breath of fresh air to let go of our own sometimes heavy expectations of ourselves.

  49. Taking on or providing possible answers to another’s woes or dilemmas is a form of self-aggrandisement, as it is seeing another as being lesser than oneself. Most of my life I had been a fixer and it was a very bitter pill to swallow when I realised what was stoking and feeding this imposition.

  50. Love what you say about the importance of not intervening in someone’s own process of evolution unless they ask for assistance. Even then, giving an opinion can sometimes be enough to lead the witness, so it requires discernment and an honesty about when we’re in danger of getting off on the sound of our own knowingness.

  51. Trying to ‘fix’ things for others denies them the learning that they have a choice and feeling it for themselves. I know I have always felt a resistance to accept a ‘fix it’ solution voiced by another, even when I knew it may be good advice.

  52. Trying to fix other peoples problems never really works, we think we are helping, but in truth it just makes us feel better. I have noticed that when I am trying to fix or offer a solution, that is usually to distract me from looking at my own issues.

  53. This is great for me to read today, Carmel, as I am staying with my family where I so easily go into fixit mode. I get so much recognition from my family for doing this but this recognition does not always sit well with me now as I feel that often I am losing myself in this fixing. Sometimes it feels hard to see others having such pain and difficulty in the choices that they are making but I feel that I am more allowing in this process now and can support them in the learning rather than the fixing.

  54. Just gorgeous Carmel. Our support is felt from our movements and care for ourselves. It has a ripple effect on everyone around us because we are living from our own inner wisdom and connection and that is how we learn and teach others.

  55. This is cool Carmen, as this is a topic that is not usually seen as a hinderance for someone. For in our wider community/society there is a movement towards finding solutions, to fixing things, instead of first feeling what needs to be felt then allowing what is needed to unfold.

  56. From the other side of this, it is always so much more harmonious to speak to someone who is not investing in what you are saying and calculating solutions

  57. It is truly remarkable how much Serge Benhayon or Natalie Benhayon can let you be without any need to offer you a solution. I know they have a lot of insight and observe a lot, but they would never interfere with someones process or endeavour (unless of course it becomes abusive) and they would never try to fix it for you. You actually have to ask them to access what they know and then they give you just enough to support you in the right direction and let you figure out the rest for yourself and learn your own stuff as well as take full responsibility for your choices.

  58. The temptation to fix someone under the illusion of supporting them fools many of us, but in truth being who we are, standing alongside those around us, supports them in all that is needed just by being us.

  59. ‘Not by telling anyone what to do or by trying to fix their problems, but by simply living in a way that offers a clear reflection for another’ Carmel this is indeed the answer to all our rescuing or fixing issues… thank you for your inspiring sharing.

  60. Reading this blog Carmel I can see that as a past “fixer”, being so busy fixing others gave me the hugest excuse not to look at what needed fixing in my life; and I am sure that it actually made me feel good as it offered me the recognition that I was obviously craving. Now I am learning, as you so beautiful expressed; “ that true compassion is to simply be there, feeling what’s going on, creating a loving space where they can ponder on their own situation and make their own choices”. And of course it also gives me the space to stop and observe my life and what choices are asking to be made, after all I am responsible for my life as others are for theirs

  61. As a fixer too I always thought I was helping people. No – I was imposing my beliefs onto them. Love how you live now – “Not by telling anyone what to do or by trying to fix their problems, but by simply living in a way that offers a clear reflection for another.” Inspiring.

  62. Carmel I have become to understand more over the last few years its not about fixing other peoples problem or trying to find a solution for them. But more about living our truth and in that being able to reflect to others and inspire others. This allows space for others to feel and connect to their truth and then choose another way possibly more loving during challenging times. So no need to fix, but live in a way that inspires.

  63. It can be super healing for someone when we communicate with no attachment or investment into an outcome. Simply allowing them space to feel that a different choice can be made.

    1. Thankyou Michael, I had two experiences this week where firstly someone had expectations on me and was critical, and the second was where another just sat present with themselves and me, and listened without any expectations, leaving me to just be and feel for myself. The first situation was awful to feel and was not at all supportive, the second experience was almost miraculous in the healing offered as I was held as an equal, and not labelled by mistakes or judgements. The simplicity of allowing others to be and have space means the space is filled with something beautiful – love. Imposing expectations and judgements takes up that same space – love is not present.

  64. We may think we have the solution to their problems but after reading this again I can see how limp those solutions can be if I myself am not living what I am suggesting. This bit me in the bum today as I felt how I could tell another how to get out their situation but in applying it to myself I had not lived it to the depth that I know I can. This is not a criticism but it shows that to be the best support I need to walk my talk and that this is an ongoing, expanding process. No something you master, nail it, move on. It continues to grow.

  65. We also think we need to fix ourselves, which means we are starting from a position of not being right in the first place, whereas simply allowing ourselves to be and accepting, appreciating that enables us to live more fully who we truly are. There is nothing to ‘do’ only ourselves to ‘be’.

  66. The fix it mentality never really feels complete for when we look at life from this view we are always looking for and expecting something more to breakdown and are hence are not focused on our very foundations that build ourselves up.

  67. ‘It is possible that providing solutions to another person does not help them to develop awareness or gain a full understanding of their own situation.’ Very true Carmel and also with going into this fixing mode we avoid awareness how it feels for us what the other person is doing or not doing with his life. It is about accepting we all make our own choices.

  68. I am great at fixing things, in the physical world, but if I am not attentive by being with the job at hand then it will go wrong. My problem seems to be when I get caught in ‘I know best’ I lose my ability to be present with whatever task is at hand. When I listen to another’s issues and if I am not attentive to listening to what is being shared and run off looking for an answer, then I feel I become lost and thus a part of the problem for the other person. When I stay present with the person as they are sharing, I feel whether to say something or not to say anything and to just acknowledge their situation – I do not get caught in thinking ‘I know better’. In the past I had no such discipline and was always looking for the right answers to fix things, now I know staying present with what is at hand makes a huge difference.

  69. Taking on other peoples issues, problems or life leads to ill health, misery and exhaustion. It is also a way of creating drama, complication, excess motion and stimulation by going off into our heads trying to work other peoples stuff out, when we have not even been asked to or need to, instead of being in the stillness, simplicity and joy of being with God, ourself, and our body.

  70. A profound reminder of the importance of providing another the space to have the awareness of their choices rather than to attempt to control them in any way…. Anything less is just an imposition that will not truly support them.

  71. What Serge Benhayon always reflects to me is the power of being love with others, and respecting that despite how they choose to live they are equally divine, powerful and all knowing. I have not lived this and had been very entangled in others lives, and from my own healing on this what I came to was that I saw myself as worthless, and so my role to have use or importance to others by “helping”. There was also a need and dependence in me to have others a certain way, which meant I never addressed the underlying anxiety or hurts behind this by focusing on others. What this has all shown me, and still does, is that I don’t hold myself as a divine soul, and that there are still many unhealed hurts to resolve to live the divinity we all actually are. Once I can live it with me then I can live it with others and let them be. And I can stop fixing myself too. Work in progress!

  72. Putting my “fixer” hand up here too Carmel, although these days I am more likely to support and encourage others to do their own fixing. Today I was with someone who has been a big time fixer ever since I have known her and she hasn’t changed her ways one little bit; she loves saving people. I loved the fact that I had not one ounce of judgment towards her but instead was aware of the beautiful reflection she was offering me as to how much I have let go of my fixing and saving ways, and how life is so much more simple as a result.

  73. I recently had someone asking me to help them fix a computer problem – and in the end, it didn’t get fixed. At one point, I noticed how I was starting to feel responsible for how long it was taking for me to try fixing it and that I should know the answer and be able to fix it – which was completely insane. Sure, I wanted to help them, but what I sensed was the sense of achievement and recognition I felt I had to gain in order to maintain a good relationship with this person – and right now I am feeling how draining that was.

  74. It is interesting to question and ponder why we choose to go into ‘fixer’ mode. For are we truly seeking to support another or are we investing in avoidance, distraction or seeking recognition or a sense of purpose in order to delay embracing the responsibility of living our truth. The illusion is that we a trying to ‘help’ another but really we indulging in identification. I have been guilty of going into ‘fixer’ mode but realise now that this is not truly offering loving support or evolution to anyone or myself. As you have shared Carmel, the greatest support is offered when we bring our presence in full to another, as then they are met in equalness, held in equal love allowing the opportunity for their love within to also be felt, in their own time. It is our responsibility to simply reflect who we are in essence, this is the gift we all have the opportunity to share.

  75. When I go into any kind of thinking that I want to help others to change, I can now reflect on what’s going on. For starters I am judging that their way of being is not as good as mine so that’s comparison; I am approaching with absolutely no understanding of why they are choosing to live that way, and most of all I am not treating them as an equal. Everyone will make their own choices in their own time and according to their own experiences, and of course their choices will be different from mine. So a big lesson for me is to develop patience and understanding. Understanding also that the way I am with them now will affect them for lifetimes to come. I may not see any changes in my lifetime, they may not change for another five lifetimes, the timing of that is not my responsibility, it is their choice what to do and when. I can model behaviour but it does not serve if it is done with the intention to change another, it needs to be to simply live love for that is who I am.

  76. I can relate to this article and the roll of the “fixer”, it’s sounds like a great movie title actually. I thought that life was about going out of your way to help others with their problems. I was constantly taking on more and more in the hope I was going to be better at doing this. More and more I couldn’t see what was going on for me and I was living from conversation to conversation trying to make myself better. It never occurred to me from everything I saw that I needed to support myself first. I mean it absolutely makes sense now that how can I give something to someone that I first haven’t delivered to myself. After all, if we act more on what we see rather then what we are told, then the ‘action speaks louder than the words’. So to deeply care for someone, bring that action to yourself, and allow yourself to do all the talking when you are around others. People, we are always watching one and other through feeling how we are. The Way of The Livingness really put this home and it’s not something that I hadn’t seen, or most of the world doesn’t realise. It’s just we have never put it into action consistently enough.

  77. Sometimes its good for people not to have things fixed for them, it opens up a whole new world of what we are capable of.

  78. I love how your body tells you in the form of a backache when you are in “fixer” mode. Another lived example of the wisdom of our body and how it is always giving us messages; we simply need to stop, feel and listen. What we do next of course is our choice.

  79. People are always going to need support and just being there for someone is quite often all that is needed to support them, but at the end of the day it is up to each of us to truly feel the right way to tackle our issues and be responsible for the decisions we make.

  80. It’s funny, I think I’ve cracked this ‘trying to fix people’ and then find myself interfering again in other ways – so for me this is an ever deepening program of awareness of what true support really means. Sometimes not being there is support, sometimes being there and tenderly standing by but doing nothing else is support, and sometimes working alongside is support. We can support when we challenge patterns of behaviour, or be honest about how we feel, but the key thing is to feel what is appropriate in each moment before we get sucked in.

    1. Hi Carmel, I can relate to the experience of an issue feeling complete only for it to rear its head again. I have noticed when I find myself focusing on another persons life and not my own I’ve allowed low worth to come in, and it’s also part of me choosing to not focus on my own self love. The low worth is about me not feeling my life is equally valuable, yet at other times going into fixing is me not holding that other person as equal to me and equally able to heal themselves. It’s me stepping into their life in an imposing way, and usually because of an investment I have in needing the situation to be a certain way. The absence of love has many different faces doesn’t it? Love is the ultimate simplicity, imagine letting go of all these differing behaviours to just be love in every moment. Thanks Carmel, a great topic you have opened for conversation.

  81. It is truly loving when we can allow another the space and grace to grow and evolve, when we get into ‘trying’ to help them we are often imposing and interfering – this is not loving as it often comes from us judging and an arrogance that feels it knows best.

  82. Attempting to ‘fix’ another’s problems assumes that they are incapable of knowing what to do themselves and doing it. If they think they don’t know, there is always good reason for that, but it never has anything to do with actually not knowing, just with being unwilling to do what it is that is truly needed.

  83. Asides from the need to be needed, I feel my going into “fixing” mode has a lot to do with not approaching people as all knowing and equally able to heal themselves. It’s a lack of understanding in that moment that I and they are equal Sons of God simply making choices. Thank you too Carmel for sharing about your back pain, I must pay more attention to what my choices are where my own back gets sore.

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