This is my story of a life of abuse… and where it began…
Learning to Trust and Rely on No-One…
As a young child I grew up with only my father and one of my younger sisters, as my mother moved interstate one day with my oldest and youngest sisters and her new husband, unbeknownst to me and my sister. At that stage of my life I was attending primary school around the corner from her house. On the day she moved, I was about 8, I felt very strongly to go to her home. When I got there I saw a removalist truck pulling out with one of my sisters sitting in the front and my mum’s car driving away down the road. I was devastated. I knew this was goodbye and I lost two of my best friends and my mum from right under my nose.
From this I learnt a lot: I decided it was best not to listen to my feelings as they may lead me into great pain, and that just because I was born into a family this did not give me the right to expect to be a part of it, and that you can trust and rely on no-one because at any point in time they can disappear right from under you.
Learning I was not Loveable…
Later at about 12, I remember talking to my mum, telling her how hurt I was that she left without saying goodbye. How hurt I was every time I went to visit her and my sisters in the school holidays, when she would put me on the bus within a couple of days because her new husband and I clashed. I told her how it hurt that she would do this without any care whether anyone knew I was coming or was able to meet me at the end of my bus trip. When I told my mother of this hurt she was sad for me but told me her husband said it was either me or him. She told me I would only be around for another six years whereas her husband would be there for the rest of her life.
From this I learnt: I had to be very valuable to people or they would find a better option and leave me. That I was not loveable, even by my own mother, and that I was something people could toss to the side, as there were far greater things than me out there.
Learning I didn’t Matter…
On one occasion I remember arriving home one night at 2am at a highway truck stop by myself. When I went to call my dad reverse charges there was no answer as he had gone away. I remember the shame of having to call my best friend’s parents at 2am in the morning reverse charges asking them to come and pick me up as I had arrived back from my mum’s unexpectedly and dad was unreachable.
From this I learnt that: I mattered that little that my own mother would put me on the bus without any concern to what happened to me after she had said “see you later”. There was a huge shame in asking another for help, as they would get to see how unworthy I was considered to be even by my own family. That I was someone to be felt sorry for, as I was less than others.
Learning about the Church, Hell and God…
Growing up Dad did the best he could do. We grew up extremely religious and the church took pity on us and helped out for the first couple of years. The church paid for ladies to come and help around the home and look after us when Dad would go out.
From this I learnt: that we were not enough as a family and had to have a church support us, we were a charity case.
After Mum and Dad split up, dad no longer would take what the church called the sacrament of communion. I asked him when I was taking my communion vows why this was and he told me he was no longer worthy of communion as he had sinned when he lost my mother and the marriage.
From this I learnt a lot: I learnt that marriage was for life, and once you chose a bed to lay in you had better stay put or you are damning yourself to the fires of hell, and God was a hard person that did not love you if you did not follow his rules.
Learning about Men, Sex and Speaking up about Abuse…
Growing up Dad would scare me away from boys telling me they only wanted to get in my pants and that I had to be very careful how I behaved around them as I could lead them on and that it was very unfair to a man for a woman to do this. At the age of twelve I was playing with a friend at one of my Dad’s work friends’ parties. I remember running around the house to the other side to hide and a man grabbed me, sat me on his knee and said “fair’s fair”. I remember being very scared and feeling violated. I jumped with all my force onto his foot and got free and ran as fast as I could and got away. I felt as though I had been abused, and even though no physical violation had taken place, I was deeply affected. I told no-one.
One holiday my stepbrother went to tackle me and I freaked right out and it all came out. I had not understood what had happened to me and when my mum asked if he had done stuff to me I did not understand what it all meant, some I answered yes to thinking I knew what it meant and other questions I said no to.
The first reaction was my father and stepfather said they would pay a man to break his knee caps. I used to have nightmares of this man coming to my bedroom window hobbling on his kneecaps. The man that had sat me on his lap then came to my dad’s house to have coffee with him and tell him he had done nothing to me. I got so angry when Dad told me I smashed every coffee cup in the house. Dad asked me if I had lied to him and that I was wrecking this man’s life as he was going to get fired and word would be put out so he would not be able to find a job anywhere. Dad believed the man over me until he found out the man had been to jail twice for raping young girls.
From this I learnt that: speaking up about abuse wrecks the abuser’s life and this is a very selfish thing to do, that it is only considered abuse when it is really bad, that a man’s voice means 100 times more than mine, and that I was responsible for wrecking a man’s life by speaking up. I also learnt that: men are bad, that they only want me for one thing, sex, and that I am worth nothing to men except to sexually relieve them.
Learning First Hand about Sexual, Physical and Mental Abuse…
Needless to say I was still a virgin at 17 years old when I met the father of my two children. This relationship was sexually, physically and mentally very abusive. The police would take me to hospital when they were called and I would be wheeled in unable to walk as I had been tied up for days to a bed and abused.
I remember going to a doctor for a pap smear and her asking me if I had been raped as I showed the physical trauma of rape. I told her no as I didn’t think it was rape. In later years when I reflected back I remembered how when my husband would rape me I would go to a field of flowers in my mind and play, I would leave my body to the point I felt nothing, no pain, no sadness. My husband would frequently tell me how inadequate my body was and that I was a pathetic excuse of a woman.
From this I learnt: if I pretend things weren’t happening then they weren’t happening. I learnt that I was not worthy of being called a woman, that I was worse than trash, that all my beliefs about men were true. I learnt that sex was a painful and horrible thing that women just had to accept, and that life sucked as an adult, you just grit your teeth and get through.
I remember my husband would enjoy himself more when he was raping me knowing he was hurting me, so I learnt to pretend the opposite and became very good at making things end quickly.
From this I learnt: men enjoy hurting women and this is what sexually arouses them.
I remember walking down the street looking only at the pavement because, if my eyes met with anyone else’s, my partner would later take it out on me telling me I was trying to hook up with them; this would happen whether it was a man, woman or child.
From this I learnt: not to connect with anyone in any way because I felt like I was sexually abusing them by looking at them.
Learning about Abuse and the Law…
I remember one weekend the police wanted to get me a restraining order so they called in the judge and the judge looked at me and even though I was black and blue and messed up he would not grant a restraining order as he did not believe in domestic violence.
From this I learnt: what was happening to me was of no real importance and no-one cared.
This was confirmed when I had managed to escape from my husband after my daughter was born and he decided to take me to court for full custody. This brought about a mediation where it was decided that I had to drive my daughter from our home on the Sunshine Coast to Brisbane, as I had the car, job and means to do so, whereas he did not. And because he did not have the money to pay for a supervised visitation place I was to take our daughter to his house where his mother would act as the supervisor. I did not get away again until I was pregnant with my son.
This taught me: the law could not help, but it could hurt me.
I remember a police officer once asking me if my husband had access to a gun when I was seeking an AVO; when I answered he could probably get one, the police officer called me a stupid little girl and asked me how would a piece of paper stop a bullet and laughed at me as I walked out of the police station. This reaffirmed there was no point in trying to get away or get support as my husband would catch up to me in the long run.
I stayed in this relationship for years and allowed much physical, mental and sexual abuse, for three main reasons:
- I felt I had chosen this man and now it was my responsibility to deal with the consequences, I thought “I hade made my bed now I have to sleep in it.”
- I felt I had wrecked the man’s life who had sat me on his knees when I was twelve and now I had to pay the consequences I believed were owed to me.
- And lastly that I was more likely to end up dead or my children dead if I left him.
Living from a False Foundation to Creating a New Foundation…
So as you can see, over the years I had formed quite a lot of ideas about life and people and what it is I needed to do to survive. These ideas had created the foundation on which I lived my life so that I could protect myself.
Only recently did I realise that:
- I had this foundation, and
- It was not actually a foundation that was true for me, rather it was a foundation I had created from my hurts.
The most amazing and simple but powerful thing I learnt was that I had the choice whether to keep living from this false foundation I had made from past experiences/hurts, pain and protection or I could create a new foundation of things I already knew to be true within me but that I had not lived by on a daily basis.
From this I learnt that: I am a beautiful strong sassy caring woman, and that I am extremely sensitive and aware of all that is going on around me and within me. I also learnt that I am cherishable, sacred, solid, committed to love of myself and humanity.
Learning to support the Amazingness that is me…
I wrote this blog so others could get to know of this amazing gift we can give ourselves by looking back to see if we also come from a foundation of ideas and beliefs to protect ourselves. And if so, to consider whether we created this foundation from past experiences and hurts, and if we do have such a foundation, to ask how they have been created and whether or not they are actually supporting us.
I found some I had purposely made up because I knew they would help me, such as helping others because then everyone liked me and saw me as a good person to have in their lives. Others were created via events I had been through and some were created by what others had told me such as the one my dad had told me that all men wanted was to get in my pants.
Once I reflected back over the ways my old foundations were formed I could then look at what they actually were and the effect they had on me. I have realised they were not there to support and protect me and they were in fact not even true and only caused me even more harm. All my old foundation did was keep me in fear of the world, people and myself and actually drew these horrible experiences towards myself.
I actually learnt all about foundations in a four-hour presentation delivered by Serge Benhayon. The deep gratitude and appreciation I have for Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and The Hierarchy is not something that I can put in words rather it is something I carry in my body and share with all around me.
I now know I have the absolute power and ability to create a new foundation that supports me to be a fully confident loving woman. These new foundations are the ones I am building upon daily so that I keep growing and expanding the amazingness that is me.
by Anonymous
Related Reading:
Understanding Life, My Choices and Appreciating Me
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Wow, reading this reminds me of the abuse we allow and put up with from a very young age. We believe that the foundations we have set are it and can never be changed, and we live in this cycle for a long time thinking there is no way out.
Here is a living example that there is another way to live and from. And how true that these foundations continue to expand everyday. So life is forever expanding and never staying stagnant. Thank you for sharing.
We can make new choices, and live in a way that supports and nurtures us.
Lorraine yes we can live differently, we either say yes to abuse or we say no to it. And in that ‘no’, we are actually saying yes to that which is true and most loving thing for us, we are deserving of love, anything less is just unacceptable.
We have the power to let go of an old false foundation, and to build a new true foundation as Anonymous did, ‘I am a beautiful strong sassy caring woman, and that I am extremely sensitive and aware of all that is going on around me and within me. I also learnt that I am cherishable, sacred, solid, committed to love of myself and humanity.’
A foundation built on hurts has us hurting ourselves further and hurting others. A foundation of love has us loving ourselves more and others equally.
What you share shows how beliefs can find their way into our foundation, affect our relationships and influence so much of what we do that means we don’t live all that we are, this harms us and others in our life. Therefore the opportunity to take a pause and have a look at what has influenced our foundation could offer insight into patterns of behaviour we have considered part of our character but could easily be a reaction to what we have experienced and not our character at all.
I so appreciate you sharing your story and sharing it without a need to sympathy, without throwing out bitterness or resentment. I don’t think I had appreciated how powerful that is until just now.
To have experienced what you did – with no inkling of blame of bitterness – truly remarkable. Thankyou for your sharing. Bringing understanding rather than judgement of another can support us to heal. Serge Benhayon has enabled many of us to make huge changes in our lives.
Serge Benhayon is an inspiration for many people, where would we and the world be without this amazing loving man, ‘The deep gratitude and appreciation I have for Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and The Hierarchy is not something that I can put in words rather it is something I carry in my body and share with all around me.’
Thankyou so much for sharing this powerful blog Anonymous. “I could create a new foundation of things I already knew to be true within me but that I had not lived by on a daily basis.” This is an inspiration for us all. We don’t need to keep re-creating the past if it doesn’t truly support us.
Anonymous, in your sharing of what happened over the years, it is interesting to feel how all along you knew these things that were happening were not from Love – from the way things happened in your home to the way things happened in relationships and in society etc. This means that on some level you did know Love to the bone. One cannot possibly be dismayed or hurt if we think that the behvaiour (such as abuse or neglect etc) that we are witnessing is actually ‘normal’ and ‘loving’. Because of your devastation and hurt you felt, on some level knew deep within that what you were experiencing as a situation was not Love and was not normal. This is the saving grace, because if you come back to this, then you know you have the strength to walk away from something that is not congruent with what you feel deep within. This you simply needed to be reminded of through Serge Benhayon and his work, for he stands consistently and deeply so beside what he knows to be the Truth with no compromise – this is the inspiration that ignites the same in another when they are ready.
Interestingly we often play a game of blame – seeking to blame someone, be this someone else or ourselves. But in the end it is not about blame, but rather about understanding, accepting and taking true responsibility to be the love that we are and with this lay boundaries and respect at all times with ourselves and other equally so.
When we negate the love we are and the power that we are, we can feel totally disempowered and a victim of life. Begin to lay standards for ourselves from ourselves and we begin to say no to self abuse and abuse that comes towards us from others.
Anonymous, thank you for your sharing in this blog. It can be a huge thing to share such intimate details of what happened throughout your life, the understanding that you have today and the changes you have made to your life already. And a knowing that this is just the beginning. The beginning of the return to Soul.
There is much happening in our current world that is ‘hidden’ behind walls – abuse, rape, domestic violence etc. When one’s self worth is so low as a woman (or man) we accept this behaviour, rather than walking away from it. But worse yet is when a woman allows the more subtler abuse and disrespect and arguments in a home where there is no physical abuse, for this is acceptance of what we know is not a harmonious relationship is what feeds the physical abuse in another relationship. It is time for all of us to say ‘no more’ to any form of disrespect or abuse in our lives from another or from ourselves.
From the darkness there is a way to step into the light.
We can choose to let go of these false beliefs that run and affect our lives and relationships, and stop us from living who we truly are.
A four-hour presentation to change the foundation that paved everything that you have lived and experienced, such is the power of true truth. A true change is possible.
Earlier this morning I wrote to some one I know that we either learn or become victims of life. Your sharing is testimony that we can pull ourselves back, shake off abuse from the past and build new foundations. It is never ever too late and anonymous you are an inspiration.
Our interpretations of scenarios can teach us all the wrong lessons. Or we could observe our surroundings and understand the situation we are in – this brings true learning and growth.
Thank you Anonymous for this extremely honest and powerful blog. The true healing that has occurred for you is very obvious because there is no resentment or bitterness in what you write, just simply the joy of having connected with something greater within yourself. The work of Serge Benhayon allows us to connect deeply with the truth of who we are and this is what sets us free and this is beautifully demonstrated in your blog. Thank you again for what you have shared here.
Resentment and bitterness can hold us prisoner for decades or a lifetime and its toxicity is destructive for for self and others. Anonymous affirms the power of Love and when deeply connected to ‘something greater’ within ourselves we can overcome whatever we experience in life
Yes, and even that word ‘love’ comes with so many pictures that we should consider what our foundation is when it comes to the words we use. Love with an ‘L’ is incredibly power-full because it offers space to bring understanding to be the change we want to see in our lives.
Saying no to what is abusive is indeed saying yes to ourselves and rebuilding our own self worth.
Well said Jennym, and we can add to that – it is a challenge to say no to abuse when the rest of society accepts the abuse. This certainly tests anyone’s resolve with the backlash that can ensue – the backlash is often confirmation of the true choice we have made.
What comes up for me here is how many ‘false foundations’ i had in life, how I would rely on a foundation only to find out it would let me down, I also made some foundations everything even though they were clearly not true or loving or supportive in any way. The more I build through the everyday, foundations that are true the greater simplicity and at easement, I feel in my body. That is the gift I know I can choose for me.
It is a beautiful realisation to understand that whatever our foundation of love is, we will not go beneath it. For example, when I was younger i used to throw up my food if i thought i had too much or wanted to lose weight. The panic will prevail, so I often used to binge and then run to the toilet to purge – a constant cycle. But a couple of years ago i decided that enough of that behaviour is enough and so decided to seek a way to stop it. In that, i started to change little thing, like being more aware of my feelings, keeping a journal etc. and although i haven’t been doing that for more than 3 years now, only recently i realised that I have a foundation of love which i will not go below. Regardless of how intense my day has been, how horrible i feel – whether I am in my peak or in my troph I know that i love my body way more than to allow this sort of abuse. It is very empowering and leaves me knowing that regardless of what my abuse is at the moment, one day that will no longer be part of my life.
What a turnaround you have had from abuse to self-love, you have shown us that it is possible to heal any deep hurts and abuse with true love and care.
Good grief what an experience of life you have been given and the fact that you mastered the lessons is amazing and from anxiousness, fear, lovelessness and mistrust you are building a true foundation built on true love. For many of us meeting Serge Benhayon was also pivotal turning point in our lives, he has supported thousands of people to re-evaluate and/or rebuild their lives.
Anon, reading this blog I cannot help but feel your strength and courage in giving yourself permission to deeply heal the wounds of the past. Thank you for sharing.
Wow, this highlights how a false foundation built on fear can allow abuse to fester and grow, whereas when we build a foundation based on love and truth, it will only allow love and truth into our life and anything below this standard would crumble away. And, you have shown us that it is never too late to build a new foundation that is void of fear but full of love.
This is very extreme Anonymous. What a life that will endeavourly lead to abuse. I can relate … but not so obvious like yours but extreme in a more subtle way .. that I absorbed much of the abuse I had around me especially in my family as they were the one’s you look up to — I was tortured by family. You have no where to go when this goes on. All I can say is thank God, and the stars, for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that reflected the truth and love to me that I was able to pull myself up and out of this internal self-abuse addiction. My story will be one day written also…
I love how much you continue to learn from life – no matter how bad it is. It’s very inspiring to read no bitterness or anger at such awful experiences but instead an openness to take responsibility for your part and to learn and change and grow. Amazing – thank you.
Yes, well said Meg, this blog is written without blame, bitterness, or anger and it gives the readers space to also learn and be inspired without an ounce of invitation for sympathy. When the truth is expressed it opens up inspiration and learning for everyone who is open to receive it.
Our foundations are what we will not go below, they’re a standard and once we’ve built a solid foundation we have a solid stance to step on. The building of that is a building of true confidence.
The levels of abuse can be overt or subtle but either way the body knows that what is lived in not the love that we all know is available if we choose to make each movement about love.
From what you have shared to this – “I now know I have the absolute power and ability to create a new foundation that supports me to be a fully confident loving woman. These new foundations are the ones I am building upon daily so that I keep growing and expanding the amazingness that is me” Is nothing short of amazing and the turn around you achieved in your life from the inspiration that is Serge Benhayon.
Such a powerful blog – thankyou for sharing . “It was not actually a foundation that was true for me, rather it was a foundation I had created from my hurts.” Yes and so many of us have done this. Thanks to the heavens for Universal Medicine to enable us to open our eyes.
Inspiring how easily, in the end, you’ve been able to look at your foundations and what they’re based upon, making the choice and commitment to discard anything that isn’t truly part of you. It takes commitment, but first of all a lot of honesty to do this: to look deeply at what we’ve created and based our life on, and why.
Abuse is a wide avenue, through which we can ride forever. The more we ride in it, the more we find situations and characters that confirm that we deserve otherwise. There is no end to this, unless we resurrect ourselves out of it and change course. One day, humanity will know that Universal Medicine is the main player in the business of resurrection.
When we re-connect to who we are and begin to live from this place, we can change so much about how we live. Once we connect to our worth and value, this comes first rather than what we have lead ourselves to believe.
How deeply touching, I literally have no words. To read that after a lifetime of such horrible abuse, you are able to turn around and say “I can love myself” is nothing short of a wonderful miracle.
This inspires us to see that we are always worthy of love no matter what our past or present looks like, love is who we are and we can live this anytime in our life and say no to abuse.
I am sure so many of us can relate to what you have shared here, I sure can. “From this I learnt: I had to be very valuable to people”. But sadly, in the process of making ourselves valuable to others we often overlook how valuable we are to ourselves. Do we really treasure ourselves for the beautiful, amazing and valuable beings we naturally are or do we allow others to determine that for us?
That’s a fairly intense story to read let alone live. I’d love to hear more about what happened in those 4 hours of presentation by Serge Benhayon that it could reset years of abuse.
Profound:
“Only recently did I realise that:
I had this foundation, and
It was not actually a foundation that was true for me, rather it was a foundation I had created from my hurts.”
We grow and we numb ourselves to hurts we have and we build up this false foundation….which is in fact based on our hurts and reactions to life. It is staggering the changes that can occur when we are honest about this and begin to let go of the hurts that have shrouded us.
The truth of our inner essence can not be denied when reading this article.
This article is one of the most inspiring that I have read. It is all too easy to remain forever in the cycle of abuse, wether that be to the extreme as shared above or on more subtle levels. To be one that steps away from such experiences and infact grows from them is deeply, deeply humbling, as it shows there is nothing that can keep one stuck, but the choices we make.
“I wrote this blog so others could get to know of this amazing gift we can give ourselves by looking back to see if we also come from a foundation of ideas and beliefs to protect ourselves.” What a great gift and blessing you give to humanity.