This is my story of a life of abuse… and where it began…
Learning to Trust and Rely on No-One…
As a young child I grew up with only my father and one of my younger sisters, as my mother moved interstate one day with my oldest and youngest sisters and her new husband, unbeknownst to me and my sister. At that stage of my life I was attending primary school around the corner from her house. On the day she moved, I was about 8, I felt very strongly to go to her home. When I got there I saw a removalist truck pulling out with one of my sisters sitting in the front and my mum’s car driving away down the road. I was devastated. I knew this was goodbye and I lost two of my best friends and my mum from right under my nose.
From this I learnt a lot: I decided it was best not to listen to my feelings as they may lead me into great pain, and that just because I was born into a family this did not give me the right to expect to be a part of it, and that you can trust and rely on no-one because at any point in time they can disappear right from under you.
Learning I was not Loveable…
Later at about 12, I remember talking to my mum, telling her how hurt I was that she left without saying goodbye. How hurt I was every time I went to visit her and my sisters in the school holidays, when she would put me on the bus within a couple of days because her new husband and I clashed. I told her how it hurt that she would do this without any care whether anyone knew I was coming or was able to meet me at the end of my bus trip. When I told my mother of this hurt she was sad for me but told me her husband said it was either me or him. She told me I would only be around for another six years whereas her husband would be there for the rest of her life.
From this I learnt: I had to be very valuable to people or they would find a better option and leave me. That I was not loveable, even by my own mother, and that I was something people could toss to the side, as there were far greater things than me out there.
Learning I didn’t Matter…
On one occasion I remember arriving home one night at 2am at a highway truck stop by myself. When I went to call my dad reverse charges there was no answer as he had gone away. I remember the shame of having to call my best friend’s parents at 2am in the morning reverse charges asking them to come and pick me up as I had arrived back from my mum’s unexpectedly and dad was unreachable.
From this I learnt that: I mattered that little that my own mother would put me on the bus without any concern to what happened to me after she had said “see you later”. There was a huge shame in asking another for help, as they would get to see how unworthy I was considered to be even by my own family. That I was someone to be felt sorry for, as I was less than others.
Learning about the Church, Hell and God…
Growing up Dad did the best he could do. We grew up extremely religious and the church took pity on us and helped out for the first couple of years. The church paid for ladies to come and help around the home and look after us when Dad would go out.
From this I learnt: that we were not enough as a family and had to have a church support us, we were a charity case.
After Mum and Dad split up, dad no longer would take what the church called the sacrament of communion. I asked him when I was taking my communion vows why this was and he told me he was no longer worthy of communion as he had sinned when he lost my mother and the marriage.
From this I learnt a lot: I learnt that marriage was for life, and once you chose a bed to lay in you had better stay put or you are damning yourself to the fires of hell, and God was a hard person that did not love you if you did not follow his rules.
Learning about Men, Sex and Speaking up about Abuse…
Growing up Dad would scare me away from boys telling me they only wanted to get in my pants and that I had to be very careful how I behaved around them as I could lead them on and that it was very unfair to a man for a woman to do this. At the age of twelve I was playing with a friend at one of my Dad’s work friends’ parties. I remember running around the house to the other side to hide and a man grabbed me, sat me on his knee and said “fair’s fair”. I remember being very scared and feeling violated. I jumped with all my force onto his foot and got free and ran as fast as I could and got away. I felt as though I had been abused, and even though no physical violation had taken place, I was deeply affected. I told no-one.
One holiday my stepbrother went to tackle me and I freaked right out and it all came out. I had not understood what had happened to me and when my mum asked if he had done stuff to me I did not understand what it all meant, some I answered yes to thinking I knew what it meant and other questions I said no to.
The first reaction was my father and stepfather said they would pay a man to break his knee caps. I used to have nightmares of this man coming to my bedroom window hobbling on his kneecaps. The man that had sat me on his lap then came to my dad’s house to have coffee with him and tell him he had done nothing to me. I got so angry when Dad told me I smashed every coffee cup in the house. Dad asked me if I had lied to him and that I was wrecking this man’s life as he was going to get fired and word would be put out so he would not be able to find a job anywhere. Dad believed the man over me until he found out the man had been to jail twice for raping young girls.
From this I learnt that: speaking up about abuse wrecks the abuser’s life and this is a very selfish thing to do, that it is only considered abuse when it is really bad, that a man’s voice means 100 times more than mine, and that I was responsible for wrecking a man’s life by speaking up. I also learnt that: men are bad, that they only want me for one thing, sex, and that I am worth nothing to men except to sexually relieve them.
Learning First Hand about Sexual, Physical and Mental Abuse…
Needless to say I was still a virgin at 17 years old when I met the father of my two children. This relationship was sexually, physically and mentally very abusive. The police would take me to hospital when they were called and I would be wheeled in unable to walk as I had been tied up for days to a bed and abused.
I remember going to a doctor for a pap smear and her asking me if I had been raped as I showed the physical trauma of rape. I told her no as I didn’t think it was rape. In later years when I reflected back I remembered how when my husband would rape me I would go to a field of flowers in my mind and play, I would leave my body to the point I felt nothing, no pain, no sadness. My husband would frequently tell me how inadequate my body was and that I was a pathetic excuse of a woman.
From this I learnt: if I pretend things weren’t happening then they weren’t happening. I learnt that I was not worthy of being called a woman, that I was worse than trash, that all my beliefs about men were true. I learnt that sex was a painful and horrible thing that women just had to accept, and that life sucked as an adult, you just grit your teeth and get through.
I remember my husband would enjoy himself more when he was raping me knowing he was hurting me, so I learnt to pretend the opposite and became very good at making things end quickly.
From this I learnt: men enjoy hurting women and this is what sexually arouses them.
I remember walking down the street looking only at the pavement because, if my eyes met with anyone else’s, my partner would later take it out on me telling me I was trying to hook up with them; this would happen whether it was a man, woman or child.
From this I learnt: not to connect with anyone in any way because I felt like I was sexually abusing them by looking at them.
Learning about Abuse and the Law…
I remember one weekend the police wanted to get me a restraining order so they called in the judge and the judge looked at me and even though I was black and blue and messed up he would not grant a restraining order as he did not believe in domestic violence.
From this I learnt: what was happening to me was of no real importance and no-one cared.
This was confirmed when I had managed to escape from my husband after my daughter was born and he decided to take me to court for full custody. This brought about a mediation where it was decided that I had to drive my daughter from our home on the Sunshine Coast to Brisbane, as I had the car, job and means to do so, whereas he did not. And because he did not have the money to pay for a supervised visitation place I was to take our daughter to his house where his mother would act as the supervisor. I did not get away again until I was pregnant with my son.
This taught me: the law could not help, but it could hurt me.
I remember a police officer once asking me if my husband had access to a gun when I was seeking an AVO; when I answered he could probably get one, the police officer called me a stupid little girl and asked me how would a piece of paper stop a bullet and laughed at me as I walked out of the police station. This reaffirmed there was no point in trying to get away or get support as my husband would catch up to me in the long run.
I stayed in this relationship for years and allowed much physical, mental and sexual abuse, for three main reasons:
- I felt I had chosen this man and now it was my responsibility to deal with the consequences, I thought “I hade made my bed now I have to sleep in it.”
- I felt I had wrecked the man’s life who had sat me on his knees when I was twelve and now I had to pay the consequences I believed were owed to me.
- And lastly that I was more likely to end up dead or my children dead if I left him.
Living from a False Foundation to Creating a New Foundation…
So as you can see, over the years I had formed quite a lot of ideas about life and people and what it is I needed to do to survive. These ideas had created the foundation on which I lived my life so that I could protect myself.
Only recently did I realise that:
- I had this foundation, and
- It was not actually a foundation that was true for me, rather it was a foundation I had created from my hurts.
The most amazing and simple but powerful thing I learnt was that I had the choice whether to keep living from this false foundation I had made from past experiences/hurts, pain and protection or I could create a new foundation of things I already knew to be true within me but that I had not lived by on a daily basis.
From this I learnt that: I am a beautiful strong sassy caring woman, and that I am extremely sensitive and aware of all that is going on around me and within me. I also learnt that I am cherishable, sacred, solid, committed to love of myself and humanity.
Learning to support the Amazingness that is me…
I wrote this blog so others could get to know of this amazing gift we can give ourselves by looking back to see if we also come from a foundation of ideas and beliefs to protect ourselves. And if so, to consider whether we created this foundation from past experiences and hurts, and if we do have such a foundation, to ask how they have been created and whether or not they are actually supporting us.
I found some I had purposely made up because I knew they would help me, such as helping others because then everyone liked me and saw me as a good person to have in their lives. Others were created via events I had been through and some were created by what others had told me such as the one my dad had told me that all men wanted was to get in my pants.
Once I reflected back over the ways my old foundations were formed I could then look at what they actually were and the effect they had on me. I have realised they were not there to support and protect me and they were in fact not even true and only caused me even more harm. All my old foundation did was keep me in fear of the world, people and myself and actually drew these horrible experiences towards myself.
I actually learnt all about foundations in a four-hour presentation delivered by Serge Benhayon. The deep gratitude and appreciation I have for Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and The Hierarchy is not something that I can put in words rather it is something I carry in my body and share with all around me.
I now know I have the absolute power and ability to create a new foundation that supports me to be a fully confident loving woman. These new foundations are the ones I am building upon daily so that I keep growing and expanding the amazingness that is me.
Understanding Life, My Choices and Appreciating Me