Haunted by the Desire to not Live: Finding my Way back to My True Self

Recently I reviewed a couple of news stories that were both about suicide. I remember in my own life being haunted by a desire to not live, although I never actually attempted suicide myself. There were friends in school who resorted to self-harm with cutting and another who was recently admitted to hospital as a result of a suicide attempt. In these instances no-one reached out to talk about the way they were feeling and, as I reflect back, I didn’t reach out either.

One newspaper article(1) reported that the Australia Bureau of Statistics’ Causes of Death Report(2) showed that suicide increased 8% over five years and claimed the lives of 2520 Australians in 2013 alone.

This report also found that:

  • Suicide was the leading cause of death of Australian children aged between 5 and 17
  • In 2009 death by suicide accounted for 9.9% of children’s deaths, which escalated in 2013 to 19.3%
  • Suicide was also the leading killer of Australians aged between 15 and 44
  • Men aged 85 and over had the highest death rate by suicide, followed by those aged between 40 and 44

Suicidal Thoughts

Suicidal thoughts first began for me and escalated with intensity in my teenage years. I had lived with the daily threat of abuse as a child but these dark thoughts were triggered at age 15 when I was raped and sexually assaulted by someone I knew and trusted.

From this point on I felt an incredible inner pain and longed for my life to end. I didn’t understand the world around me for I had found the behaviour of people I had trusted to be insensitive, cruel and heartless. It was like a dark cloud was following me around and the intensity of these feelings increased as I turned to alcohol, drugs and inner-abuse with destructive self-talk about my appearance, intelligence and value in the world.

There were moments where I did feel amazing, but when I stepped up and expressed this I felt set upon by those around me and soon I gave up on shining my light at all. It was safer for me to hide in my sadness and go unnoticed, or so I thought.

In order to relieve myself of this intense sadness I would visit counsellors from time to time over a 15 year period, and whilst I appreciated the love and care they each showed me, I found that there was no true healing as a result of these appointments. The hopelessness and despair accentuated even further as I concluded that it was just me and that I was too broken.

It didn’t matter what I did or what I achieved in life, underneath all the vices and techniques I used to avoid the emptiness and pain, that familiar feeling continued to resurface – I just didn’t want to be in the world.

Life Needed to Change – and It Did!

When I was at the peak of an emotional crisis and had almost completely given up on living, a friend happened to come to my house to see me. She had just been to a psychologist and was in awe of what had been presented to her. When she described certain things to me about what was said at her appointment, I knew that I needed to speak to this particular psychologist as a final attempt to find relief from my inner pain. I remember saying in the first session that this was the last thing I was going to try and whilst I never expanded on this comment, I knew what I was meaning at the time.

With great wonderment, the session ignited something within. The psychologist understood what I was saying and her response made sense. At the same time, I started to attend regular sessions and after a few months began to attend presentations of the Ageless Wisdom Teachings as presented by Serge Benhayon.

Whilst I would typically attend the session or presentation feeling racy and anxious, I always left feeling connected to the solidness of my real self, although perhaps a little fragile at times.

Coming to this particular psychologist provided something that had been missing from other counselling sessions, because up until that point, and despite all the counsellors I had seen, I had still felt that life was dark and that I was living a life of despair, and that feeling of helplessness had been debilitating.

The psychologist introduced me to self-care, which I thought was simply activities such as having a shower, cleaning my teeth and wearing shoes. I thought I had a handle on self-care, but I was wrong. True self-care involved embracing a deeply loving and nurturing quality in all my movements and activities throughout the day. It meant being aware of my body, ensuring I was gentle when I typed on the computer, or in the way I poured hot water for my tea, tender as I engaged with another, or as I lay myself to rest.

The psychologist encouraged me to treat myself like I was 3 years old again – delicate, precious, gentle and tender. This was a major shift and quite exposing for me to do at the time because it showed how demanding, self-critiquing, hard, shut down and cruel I was on myself and on my body. Yet, with incredible commitment, I continued day after day, introducing this gentle approach in all activities, a practice that I am refining even today.

I became more aware and understanding about what was happening in my life, and felt the unwavering support and encouragement from the psychologist, together with the support of regular esoteric healing sessions that allowed me to take the very small but necessary steps to re-enter the world.

It took about three years for me to feel love for myself. The moment was memorable. One lunch break at work I decided to go for a walk and there it was – the feeling of LOVE inside my body. This memorable experience came as a wonderful surprise, for the emotional heaviness that had been slowly dissipating over the previous few years had gone, leaving me to feel the loveliness of my true self.

I knew at this point I was back in the world, feeling love for myself, love for others, feeling so much lighter and living in a way that was honouring of my needs.

Perhaps the biggest hurdle, however, was coming to the understanding that although the actions and abuse from others may have felt cruel and loveless, what hurt me so much more was becoming trapped in a cycle of self-abuse for which I was actually responsible.

I had given up on myself, believing I was unworthy of love, and made myself insignificant for over 20 years. So much time was spent obsessing and hanging on to my hurts, instead of nurturing and caring for myself deeply, and allowing myself the chance to just let go and shine.

Nowadays if I feel hurt by something that has happened in my life, I allow myself time to feel the fragility that is in my body and I nurture myself with tenderness instead of abusing myself.

By allowing this fragility I give myself the chance to return more easily to an inner strength and sense of wellbeing, enabling me to come back to myself more easily.

The path to love and joy came from the simple act of introducing true self-care and self-love into my life, and what I discovered was how much I really do matter. I am no longer haunted by the desire to not live, but feeling a newfound commitment to fully embrace what life has to offer, including its twists and turns.

By reclaiming my life and returning to my true self, I am able to feel the many beautiful moments that present each day that confirm to me that we are all from love and that there can be joy in life.

There are no words to express the depth of my gratitude and appreciation to my psychologist, and also the many esoteric practitioners, Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and, of course, my wonderful friends and family for expressing their incredible love, tenderness, understanding and support during this challenging and yet amazing period of my life.  

By MAS

References:

  1. Moody, S. 2015, “Suicide crisis: The simple messages that can save a life”, Northern Star, Lismore. 6th April, 2015. www.northernstar.com.au/news/experts-mental-health-funding-needed-suicide-rise/2597132/
  2. Australia Bureau of Statistics. 0 – Causes of Death, Australia, 2013. www.abs.gov.au/ausstats/abs@.nsf/mf/3303.0/

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call:

Australia:
Lifeline 13 11 14
MensLine 1300 789 978 BeyondBlue 1300 224 636

United Kingdom:
Samaritans 116 123 Sane  0845 767 8000  (daily 6 pm – 11 pm)

In other countries:
Please contact your local mental health services or helplines.

Further Reading:
From A False Foundation of Abuse to a True Foundation of Self-Love
Understanding Psychological Wellbeing From An Esoteric Perspective
Life after Family Violence and Abuse: Learning to Love Myself
Self Harm – Cutting, Universal Medicine, Healing Hurts and Loving Me

791 thoughts on “Haunted by the Desire to not Live: Finding my Way back to My True Self

  1. Thank you for sharing your story here. It has really struck me this morning as I am reading so much on suicide just how foundational what you are sharing here is. It gives a very practical place to start to rebuild.

  2. Why are we running away from suicide? I know we are doing a lot but why is it not having an impact? The school of thought currently is if one life is saved then this is a good result but it’s not true. We have more and more people resorting to ending their lives which in turn has a huge impact on those around them. I remember being in this position with thoughts of suicide and while I never followed them through obviously it was a full on time. The thing that held me was knowing the impact that my single decision would have on others around me, it didn’t seem fair to them. I have seen many people in bad situations and we need to do more and it’s not just ok to have helplines and call centres for people. Why are more and more choosing this? More so why are we spending millions of dollars on dropping the road toll and it’s advertised regularly on it’s impacts and what they are doing but we hear little about this. Each holiday in place of the Easter and Christmas road toll we should see the stats on suicide. It’s like we are in a way more comfortable for people to be kill on the roads or at least hear about it. To state the obvious, more on this is needed.

  3. “It was safer for me to hide in my sadness and go unnoticed, or so I thought.”
    As I read this sentence I pondered, is it an epidemic in society, I know it was how I lived for many years. Not speaking what I felt, feeling sad, lost and alone, in a world of people. It was not that I didn’t have family and friends around, I did. But I was not letting them get to know me, so I felt constantly like I was a lone ranger in a sea of people. Could taking the step to simply share ourselves from how we really feel be a tonic to this? It has been for me. What was the hardest was first if all accepting that I didn’t have it all together, like I thought I should. Overcoming this hurdle to truly connecting with myself and subsequently others has changed me, or has it? Is it now that I show the world who I am, and ask the question, what was I living before?

  4. “By reclaiming my life and returning to my true self, I am able to feel the many beautiful moments that present each day that confirm to me that we are all from love and that there can be joy in life” A beautiful welcoming back to you.

  5. True self care is about the quality of our movements.. this is something I am recently beginning to understand – that self care isn’t limited to an activity – i.e. having a nurturing bath or cooking myself some supportive food, but about the energy and quality that I’m moving in, in each moment.

  6. Thank you MAS for sharing your story of how you came back to yourself again by treating yourself tenderly and lovingly, with deep care and nurturing. The abuse that we give to ourselves and lock ourselves into with our repetitive thoughts and actions can be far more damaging than the abuse from others – but how empowering to know and feel, without any self-criticism, that we are responsible for perpetuating it or changing the record, through our movements.

  7. Hello MAS and I may have already mentioned this but I was also haunted by suicidal thoughts before Universal Medicine and truly taking care of myself. The focus was on doing or achieving and not on love and care for myself first. I have come to see that I can do anything so long as I am connecting deeply to that love and care first. After all it’s pretty hard to bring something to someone you aren’t doing yourself. You can do it but everyone else around you doesn’t get the feeling, they just get words from your lips. At times I am in the wonder of why and at this point again is a stop point to bring a deeper love and care first. At any point you feel a block or an unknown we should all return to the known, love and care. This is where this blog will take me to today, back to the love and care thank you MAS.

  8. One of the greatest lessons we can ever learn: “True self-care involves embracing a deeply loving and nurturing quality in all my movements and activities throughout the day.” When I think of this one simple lesson being taught to all children I smile, as I can see a world that eventually will live in harmony, as caring for ourselves deeply, naturally has the most wonderful ripple effect, flowing on out to those around us in many life changing ways.

  9. This is a great sharing MAS! There will be many who find this blog extremely helpful and perhaps life saving .If we are in this dark space it takes as while for true change to happen, therefore many give up before any true result can be felt. Education on this subject is so important and true support of this person without judgement or expectation. As mentioned self care is so important in our lives and our need to love and value ourselves.

  10. We can be so despaired living our life and not seeing any way out but as you describe here there is a way out of this mess and it starts with ourselves by step by step learning to self-love and self-care. It is simple and yet mostly not so easy to apply as we feel surrounded by so much lovelessness. But as soon as we make the first loving steps toward our self we will find that these loving gestures have a strength that will carry us with every step more.

  11. How many people on this earth today think it is safer to hide in or bury their sadness and try and go unnoticed all the time haunted by a dark cloud of despair and unresolved hurt that follows and hovers over all that they do. How many more are caught up in the mentality that they are too broken to fix. There is nothing that we cannot heal and all it takes to initiate anyone on the pathway to healing is to have one person ignite them so they know there is another way.

  12. MAS I find all of your writing so honest and authentic, as well as very inspirational. You communicate with truth the way abuse affects human beings and the practicalities of self care and what Universal Medicine offers, and how truly healing this is. Universal Medicine offers a whole new foundation for psychology and mental health services, as it’s about returning to and living from the amazing love we each naturally are, not just arresting the intruding beliefs and emotions.

  13. Such a powerful blog MAS, very compelling and inspiring. The strength you show and resilience to be prepared to start the healing process once the opportunity arose is amazing.

  14. These statistics speak for themselves, it’s quite shocking how many suicides take place. Beautiful to read how you found a psychologist who was able to introduce you back to your true connection.

  15. This is a great lesson in recognizing that it is not the outside world that crushes us regardless of the cruelty endured… but rather the cycle of self abuse we choose to embrace. The power of it’s opposite – self love, cannot be underestimated in it’s ability to heal anything that has come before… and although it may take a while to embody… it is absolutely worth the love that we eventually feel within…. no matter how long it takes.

  16. I too shut down my light because I allowed the reactions from others to affect me. I felt that when another reacted to me it was always their fault and so I would create dramas and issues instead of observing and reading the situation. As I step up and express and take responsibility for what is being asked of me the easier it is getting. I have seen and felt the reactions time and time again from others but I am choosing to observe and not allow them to get a hold like they used to. It is so liberating when I express that which not so long ago I would have held back.

  17. Thank you for sharing MAS. It is so interesting how when we have been abused in any way our first port of call is to add to that abuse ourselves. We meet abuse with abuse and this just perpetrates the cycle until we break that cycle by making the moves towards loving and caring for ourselves in the way that we truly deserve to be loved and this changes everything. There is definitely a science in this.

    1. It is tremendous what you are pointing out here Kathleen. We are so used to meeting that what comes towards us with the same quality, like an eye for an eye, but what we need to understand is that we can change the quality and only by changing the quality can we bring true change. And the most beautiful thing is that we do not need anyone for it but can all start with ourselves.

  18. “Nowadays if I feel hurt by something that has happened in my life, I allow myself time to feel the fragility that is in my body and I nurture myself with tenderness instead of abusing myself.” This is so beautiful to read MAS. I have spent so much of my life not wanting to feel the hurt – which only returns to bite me on the bum. Dealing with it at the time – feeling the vulnerability – enables me to move on through the hurt and come out the other side. Just recently I have so many opportunities to put this into practices as it seems that old patterns are re-presenting themselves to enable me to now fully heal them.

  19. I love the process you dedicated yourself to, to step by step introduce self-care to your daily life and make it a rhythm that strengthens you with every step you take. It takes dedication and love to bring us out from the deeply ingrained behaviours that we have adapted. There is no miracle pill but loving care applied every day will let us choose this loving care more naturally.

  20. The support of Esoteric Healing including counselling from an accredited Esoteric Practitioner is without a doubt exceptional. It can make issues that seem insurmountable or even impossible able to be faced in the clear light of day.

  21. This is a truly inspirational turnaround and deserves to be widely read because as the shocking statistics about suicide indicate being haunted by a desire to not be alive is alarmingly widespread in society today. The commitment you have shown to yourself and the acceptance of where you were and the steps necessary to bring about deep self-healing with appropriate support are a blueprint for how we can reach out to the many who are still suffering.

  22. ‘True self-care involved embracing a deeply loving and nurturing quality in all my movements and activities throughout the day.’ For me this is the key that opened the door on true self-care rather than seeing nurturing as a tick box exercise. Being willing to feel what my body is asking for at any given moment is a whole new level of responsibility which I can still choose to ignore and revert to old patterns. The simplicity of knowing that I can return to myself just by the choice of my next movement is deeply healing.

  23. The numbers you share here are just shocking. If we think of a suicide as an extreme display of not wanting to be – not wanting to be at school/work/in the world etc. and/or simply being oneself – a form of withdrawing from life, non-commitment, I am not sure if we have many people left unscathed by that energy.

  24. Thank you MAS for the reminder again today that self care – a nurturing quality in all of our movements – can be the foundation for everything else – our relationships, and anything that we might do.

  25. To me, the main issue with mainstream counselling is that they focus on a problem, on what is seemingly wrong with the patient, which only confirms that something is wrong for them. Where as, any conversation you have with Serge Benhayon or other Universal Medicine practitioners is very confirming of who you are as a being in essence first, and in that purity of being met, there is space to feel that there is nothing wrong, only things in the way of being who you are.

  26. What a gift for all of us, “By allowing this fragility I give myself the chance to return more easily to an inner strength and sense of wellbeing, enabling me to come back to myself more easily.” This fragility is an enormous strength and offers the opportunity to heal so much that has been taking us in a self-negating cycle holding us back from engaging with ourselves, others and the world.

  27. I wonder if this awareness will be more widely accepted in trauma counselling? The world has amped up mans inhumanity to man and I am struck by two points there, there has to be one to be abusive to another, so are we all on the receiving end or could we have a responsibility to revisit and question much of our behaviour? The second point is, if we don’t support those who have been on the receiving end of this trauma, then there would be a large proportion of our society nursing these wounds, the consequence of which is evident from your blog.

  28. “True self-care involved embracing a deeply loving and nurturing quality in all my movements and activities throughout the day.” Self-care is worth discovering for the deeper layers of how we do what we do, it is not for show, it is a relationship we have with ourselves and is with us in every moment. Yet what transpires from that level of attention to detail has a ripple effect that is felt in areas we have not consciously tried to affect. An experiment I now see is an opportuity to share with others we can be the change we want to see in the world, an enormous support to the many who, like you, have considered suicide as the only way out of the pain.

  29. “Nowadays if I feel hurt by something that has happened in my life, I allow myself time to feel the fragility that is in my body and I nurture myself with tenderness instead of abusing myself.”
    The simple truth is we have choice in how we treat ourselves and others and this sentence is the essence of understanding which is the first point of call in accepting ourselves and life the way it is today.

  30. The depth of despair is palpable in your writing – but you turned the corner and changed your life, you took responsibility and realised that the biggest hurt and deepest pain are about what we do to ourselves and let happen without speaking up. It’s the complicity that cuts the deepest.

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