Recently I reviewed a couple of news stories that were both about suicide. I remember in my own life being haunted by a desire to not live, although I never actually attempted suicide myself. There were friends in school who resorted to self-harm with cutting and another who was recently admitted to hospital as a result of a suicide attempt. In these instances no-one reached out to talk about the way they were feeling and, as I reflect back, I didn’t reach out either.
One newspaper article(1) reported that the Australia Bureau of Statistics’ Causes of Death Report(2) showed that suicide increased 8% over five years and claimed the lives of 2520 Australians in 2013 alone.
This report also found that:
- Suicide was the leading cause of death of Australian children aged between 5 and 17
- In 2009 death by suicide accounted for 9.9% of children’s deaths, which escalated in 2013 to 19.3%
- Suicide was also the leading killer of Australians aged between 15 and 44
- Men aged 85 and over had the highest death rate by suicide, followed by those aged between 40 and 44
Suicidal Thoughts
Suicidal thoughts first began for me and escalated with intensity in my teenage years. I had lived with the daily threat of abuse as a child but these dark thoughts were triggered at age 15 when I was raped and sexually assaulted by someone I knew and trusted.
From this point on I felt an incredible inner pain and longed for my life to end. I didn’t understand the world around me for I had found the behaviour of people I had trusted to be insensitive, cruel and heartless. It was like a dark cloud was following me around and the intensity of these feelings increased as I turned to alcohol, drugs and inner-abuse with destructive self-talk about my appearance, intelligence and value in the world.
There were moments where I did feel amazing, but when I stepped up and expressed this I felt set upon by those around me and soon I gave up on shining my light at all. It was safer for me to hide in my sadness and go unnoticed, or so I thought.
In order to relieve myself of this intense sadness I would visit counsellors from time to time over a 15 year period, and whilst I appreciated the love and care they each showed me, I found that there was no true healing as a result of these appointments. The hopelessness and despair accentuated even further as I concluded that it was just me and that I was too broken.
It didn’t matter what I did or what I achieved in life, underneath all the vices and techniques I used to avoid the emptiness and pain, that familiar feeling continued to resurface – I just didn’t want to be in the world.
Life Needed to Change – and It Did!
When I was at the peak of an emotional crisis and had almost completely given up on living, a friend happened to come to my house to see me. She had just been to a psychologist and was in awe of what had been presented to her. When she described certain things to me about what was said at her appointment, I knew that I needed to speak to this particular psychologist as a final attempt to find relief from my inner pain. I remember saying in the first session that this was the last thing I was going to try and whilst I never expanded on this comment, I knew what I was meaning at the time.
With great wonderment, the session ignited something within. The psychologist understood what I was saying and her response made sense. At the same time, I started to attend regular sessions and after a few months began to attend presentations of the Ageless Wisdom Teachings as presented by Serge Benhayon.
Whilst I would typically attend the session or presentation feeling racy and anxious, I always left feeling connected to the solidness of my real self, although perhaps a little fragile at times.
Coming to this particular psychologist provided something that had been missing from other counselling sessions, because up until that point, and despite all the counsellors I had seen, I had still felt that life was dark and that I was living a life of despair, and that feeling of helplessness had been debilitating.
The psychologist introduced me to self-care, which I thought was simply activities such as having a shower, cleaning my teeth and wearing shoes. I thought I had a handle on self-care, but I was wrong. True self-care involved embracing a deeply loving and nurturing quality in all my movements and activities throughout the day. It meant being aware of my body, ensuring I was gentle when I typed on the computer, or in the way I poured hot water for my tea, tender as I engaged with another, or as I lay myself to rest.
The psychologist encouraged me to treat myself like I was 3 years old again – delicate, precious, gentle and tender. This was a major shift and quite exposing for me to do at the time because it showed how demanding, self-critiquing, hard, shut down and cruel I was on myself and on my body. Yet, with incredible commitment, I continued day after day, introducing this gentle approach in all activities, a practice that I am refining even today.
I became more aware and understanding about what was happening in my life, and felt the unwavering support and encouragement from the psychologist, together with the support of regular esoteric healing sessions that allowed me to take the very small but necessary steps to re-enter the world.
It took about three years for me to feel love for myself. The moment was memorable. One lunch break at work I decided to go for a walk and there it was – the feeling of LOVE inside my body. This memorable experience came as a wonderful surprise, for the emotional heaviness that had been slowly dissipating over the previous few years had gone, leaving me to feel the loveliness of my true self.
I knew at this point I was back in the world, feeling love for myself, love for others, feeling so much lighter and living in a way that was honouring of my needs.
Perhaps the biggest hurdle, however, was coming to the understanding that although the actions and abuse from others may have felt cruel and loveless, what hurt me so much more was becoming trapped in a cycle of self-abuse for which I was actually responsible.
I had given up on myself, believing I was unworthy of love, and made myself insignificant for over 20 years. So much time was spent obsessing and hanging on to my hurts, instead of nurturing and caring for myself deeply, and allowing myself the chance to just let go and shine.
Nowadays if I feel hurt by something that has happened in my life, I allow myself time to feel the fragility that is in my body and I nurture myself with tenderness instead of abusing myself.
By allowing this fragility I give myself the chance to return more easily to an inner strength and sense of wellbeing, enabling me to come back to myself more easily.
The path to love and joy came from the simple act of introducing true self-care and self-love into my life, and what I discovered was how much I really do matter. I am no longer haunted by the desire to not live, but feeling a newfound commitment to fully embrace what life has to offer, including its twists and turns.
By reclaiming my life and returning to my true self, I am able to feel the many beautiful moments that present each day that confirm to me that we are all from love and that there can be joy in life.
There are no words to express the depth of my gratitude and appreciation to my psychologist, and also the many esoteric practitioners, Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and, of course, my wonderful friends and family for expressing their incredible love, tenderness, understanding and support during this challenging and yet amazing period of my life.
By MAS
References:
- Moody, S. 2015, “Suicide crisis: The simple messages that can save a life”, Northern Star, Lismore. 6th April, 2015. www.northernstar.com.au/news/experts-mental-health-funding-needed-suicide-rise/2597132/
- Australia Bureau of Statistics. 0 – Causes of Death, Australia, 2013. www.abs.gov.au/ausstats/abs@.nsf/mf/3303.0/
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call:
Australia:
Lifeline 13 11 14 – MensLine 1300 789 978 – BeyondBlue 1300 224 636
United Kingdom:
Samaritans 116 123 – Sane 0845 767 8000 (daily 6 pm – 11 pm)
In other countries:
Please contact your local mental health services or helplines.
Further Reading:
– From A False Foundation of Abuse to a True Foundation of Self-Love
– Understanding Psychological Wellbeing From An Esoteric Perspective
– Life after Family Violence and Abuse: Learning to Love Myself