Anxiousness – The War Within

I have periods of time when I feel my strength and amazingness – I feel stillness, with a solid foundation of knowing who I am, I feel my ‘yumminess’, my essence. I also have periods when I just can’t connect to this, even though I know it is there, always, inside me.

There are many things that take me away from this stillness, this steadiness, for example; worrying about my family, thinking about work and clients, or needing things to be a certain way. But what tops them all is anxiousness.

In this life, I have been anxious for as long as I can remember. I accepted this as par for the course because I was born during a civil war where there were curfews and convoys. We then moved to another country with high levels of crime and violence – so of course I was anxious!

As a young child I would lie in bed praying, begging God to just let me sleep through the night so that I wouldn’t be aware of noises outside or a creepy feeling like beings in my room. I honed my skill of thinking – thinking about something else to distract me from the anxiousness I was feeling; planning a party in my head, or how I might redecorate my room, or how my wedding would be one day.

If I could just distract myself and think ‘happy thoughts’ until I fell asleep, I would be okay. But night after night I would wake up terrified and run through to my parents’ or my brother’s room – sleeping in their bed or on the floor, anywhere to not be alone and scared.

Six and a half years ago in my mid 30’s I moved to Australia and slept through the night for the first time without anxiousness. But it crept back in and I resorted to logic to deal with it. I would tell myself that I was being ridiculous, that there was no reason to be scared.

I would get up and look outside to prove that nothing was there, and would harden up if I felt that creepy feeling around me. It seemed to work… I had no reason to be scared.

Then one day I became anxious when driving, especially on freeways and through tunnels. This escalated into what I would describe as a panic attack and I would feel like I might pass out. I would try to connect to my gentle breath which wasn’t possible while gasping for air.

So again I hardened up and brought out the logic; “People drive through this tunnel every day,” “you are not afraid to die, so what are you scared of?” “there are exit doors, so if you get stuck you have an escape route,” “you are ridiculous” etc.

I decided that feeling anxious is ‘bad’ and unnecessary, so would try everything to not feel it.

A couple of weeks ago I was driving on a busy freeway and could feel the anxiousness rise. As I started to berate myself, I was inspired to ‘just feel it and don’t fight it.’ What happened felt like a miracle – the anxiousness didn’t disappear, but definitely released its hold.

There was no escalation into feeling like my head would explode or that I would pass out. At the same time as feeling the anxiousness, I could feel my inner strength and power. I could feel my essence and that the anxiousness wasn’t me. When I felt it, it couldn’t consume me. In this, I realised that I have labelled certain emotions and feelings as ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

By not allowing myself to feel everything that is there to feel, I have also prevented myself from feeling amazing. Whether we like it or not, we do feel everything all of the time and can’t ‘pick and choose’ what we are prepared or not prepared to feel.

It is like saying there are some colours that I don’t like so I refuse to see them; I will only allow myself to sense the colours that I do like, that I deem acceptable. The only way to do that is to shut my eyes and see none, and harden my body to not feel what I feel.

The lesson for me is acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, acceptance of occurrences in my life, letting go of trying to control what can’t be controlled.

I may have lived during wars, but the real fight was within me. By preventing myself from feeling all there is to feel (the good, the bad and the ugly) I prevented myself from connecting to my divine essence and being all that I am.

With heartfelt thanks and deep appreciation for the dedication and teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, who have inspired me to feel, to accept, and to heal a lifetime of anxiousness.

By Carmin Hall, Brisbane

Further Reading:
Healing Anxiety with Self Love
Taking Responsibility and Making a Re-Commitment Back to Life
Beating Anxiety Gentle Breath Meditation
Understanding Anxiety in Men

944 thoughts on “Anxiousness – The War Within

  1. “The real fight was within me. By preventing myself from feeling all there is to feel (the good, the bad and the ugly) I prevented myself from connecting to my divine essence and being all that I am.” We sometimes fight ourselves harder than anything or anyone else but when we choose to drop the protection and reconnect to our own inner-most essence of love we can welcome ourselves with an open heart.

  2. Not making yourself wrong for what you feel has been a huge lesson on how to cope with life for me. I’ve lived with many different pictures of how I believe I should behave, and when reality doesn’t match that, I go into a self bashing tirade. Realising now that it doesn’t serve me to treat myself like that has been hugely beneficial to self acceptance and self appreciation. Life is way simpler when I can shift focus to what is working, and the fact that I’m actually enough just as I am without the need to constantly be outdoing myself.

  3. Carmin, thank you for sharing how anxiousness affected you on a personal level and on your way of life. The wisdom you have gleaned from living with this debilitating condition for so long will be a huge support to all who know you and to the readers of your blog, as anxiousness plays a part, to a greater or lesser degree, in so many of our lives.

  4. It is in how we relate to what we feel and sense that makes all the difference. Are we in reaction to it or in acceptance of it? In reaction the emotion controls us, with acceptance we are free to discern and make conscious choices.

  5. It is so true Carmin, ‘Whether we like it or not, we do feel everything all of the time and can’t ‘pick and choose’ what we are prepared or not prepared to feel’.

  6. “By not allowing myself to feel everything that is there to feel, I have also prevented myself from feeling amazing. Whether we like it or not, we do feel everything all of the time and can’t ‘pick and choose’ what we are prepared or not prepared to feel.” Learning to feel everything – if we pick and choose we miss out on the amazing as well as the more uncomfortable feelings. Observing and not absorbing, as presented by Serge Benhayon enables us to accept, and thus cope and not react.

  7. Carmin thank you for sharing your experience your words ‘The lesson for me is acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, acceptance of occurrences in my life, letting go of trying to control what can’t be controlled.’ For me letting go of control has been a major step I found the more I wanted to control something the more I lost the real me, and the more I was trying to convince myself I could handle a particular situation, eventually I sought help and support and feeling the need for control although it is still there at times, it is also a reminder to reconnect back to me.

  8. I love that you could feel your strength and power underneath the anxiousness… and through feeling and recognizing it to not be from the essence of you that it could not consume you. This is profound… for so many people suffer from focusing on anxiousness and other ailments that could be deeply supported and even healed by focusing on instead feeling their amazingness underneath and in knowing the power of acceptance and letting go as you have been shown.

    1. Well said Samantha. You have beautifully highlighted how our connection to who we are within holds far greater power that anything that presents in the world or in our minds. And our essence is always waiting to be connected to and lived in all its amazingness and might.

  9. Yes acceptance is key and letting go of trying to control the anxious thoughts allows for a settlement in the body and the recognition that we are not our anxiety. This is so massive and needs to be taught in schools because so many, like me, grew up denying that we are anxious when underneath it is an issue, in varying degrees, for the majority of the population.

  10. I have just recently recognised how much I am capped by my anxiousness and how this prevents me not just from feeling the bad stuff but also from feeling my amazingness. I have been questioning what the pay off is for me and how it allows me to keep myself small. Choosing to commit to bringing awareness to my choices in how I am as I move through my day without judgement.

    1. Its interesting how we cap ourselves from feeling our amazingness, by going into anxiousness and not feeling the all. What I am noticing is that I am stopping feeling my amazingness by some foods that cause the raciness in my body that triggers the anxiousness, something I am currently working on.

  11. We can’t begin to heal anxiousness unless we’re prepared to allow ourselves to feel it, and know that it is not part of who we truly are. I’ve felt recently how when there’s an uncomfortable situation going on around me I’ll either totally withdraw, or react by being fake and nice and trying to jolly the other person out of whatever they’re in – but this doesn’t work because it’s a reaction, an imposition on them out of a need I have of not being okay with disharmony, instead of allowing them the space to feel whatever they need to feel, and meeting them from a place of solidness.

  12. I have learnt after struggling with anxiousness for many years, that if I am willing to be honest with myself when I feel anxious, what is actually offered is the opportunity to arrest a loveless momentum, and bring understanding to and address why I chose to leave myself and race ahead. Choosing this moment of reflection allows me to embrace the opportunity to return to being present with what comes next. As there is always a deeper truth to discover through which I am offered the choice to be more of who I truly am in essence.

  13. “By not allowing myself to feel everything that is there to feel, I have also prevented myself from feeling amazing.” So true Carmin, in not wanting to feel everything we harden preventing ourselves from being open and at ease with our body and living from our body’s true rhythm.

  14. I remember this in so many incidents, “So again I hardened up and brought out the logic; “People drive through this tunnel every day,” “you are not afraid to die, so what are you scared of?” “there are exit doors, so if you get stuck you have an escape route,” “you are ridiculous” etc.” The logic of what you are seeing steps in to tell you you are wrong to feel and we go to the physical to explain or to prove our ‘genuinely. When as the article presents you only need be brave enough to make the choice to feel what you are seeing regardless if there is a physical end to it or not. A feeling is a feeling full-stop and the strength comes from being able to turn within and see and feel. In place of bracing ourselves and showing ourselves we have no right to feel what we feel. Growing up and even now I can see how much I feel and how much more I see when I choose to allow myself to feel. There is always the ‘harden up’ knocking on the door to have it’s way but yet the more and more as people we consistently open up to feeling the easier it will be for us all to tap into.

  15. Carmin it was lovely to ready your blog, as I am currently working on a low level of anxiousness, it was great to ready that it is about feeling all that there is to feel and allow the acceptance in, the good, bad and ugly.

  16. It is amazing to understand that we cannot select the things we would like to feel without blinding ourselves to everything that supports us. In fact it is an absolute illusion to believe that we can avoid pain by numbing ourselves. The energy is always at play regardless of the reality we have chosen to see. If we choose to see what is really going on we have an opportunity to change it.

  17. It is great how this article highlights the anxiety and how there are certain levels. Meaning it doesn’t just turn up one day and is gone the next, there are different levels of awareness to bring yourself to. I have seen other things written in a ‘here today and gone tomorrow’ way and it seems more unbelievable then believable. As is highlighted here don’t expect something to happen or focus on what goes on next, merely stay within the feeling of what ever is going on in the moment and then move into your next step. It not a trying to work out something but more a settlement with a feeling that then becomes another level of awareness in the next moment. Something happens at one point and then we spend the next amount of time trying to stop, figure out, run away from what ever about it keeps replaying over and over. What if next time something comes into your mind or is felt you just stop and allow yourself to feel it. If there is no clear answer we just keep repeating the same steps until the clarity is there. In this what if every time you chose not to feel something it put a layer of something else, an experience over the truth of what you are feeling? It would make sense then for when you start to feel or be truly aware of what you are feeling that you would also need to feel these choices or discard these layers.

  18. I continue to remember your blog when I don’t want to feel something, I feel the tension rise and, when I fight it, it is so much worse than when I simply feel it and acknowledge it, without needing to fix it. I almost pat myself on the back and say “well done – don’t know what I am going to do about it but well done for feeling it!” Works well for me as I learn the next step.

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