My parents ran the village shop and Post Office in a rural community. We did stock a very wide range of goods, but this was more than just an emporium – it was the centre of village life. We had a coke-burning stove and in the winter the farmers would come and warm their hands on the chimney pipe. There were so many ‘characters’ – those who would come several times a day and buy just one item each time; those who would come just before closing time and engage one of my parents in conversation; those who would ignore the shop hours totally and come to our back door!
This all seemed very unfair to me, but the response I got was always the same – to be grateful to these people because their money put the food on my plate. It seemed as though my parents lived in fear of offending (and more particularly my brother and I offending) a customer. What appeared to me to be grave injustices were swept under the carpet of duty and inevitability.
On the rare occasions when I was allowed to go to other people’s houses my parents’ parting words would be, “don’t make a nuisance of yourself and remember to say thank you for having me.” On my return the first question was, “did you make a nuisance of yourself?”… and sometimes “did you have a nice time?!”
This was so confusing. Couldn’t they see what a glorious little girl I was, so full of fun? In later years I came to question whether in fact they knew how glorious they were. I don’t think they ever realised how loved they were: I can distinctly remember longing to tell them that as a child, part of me bemused that adults who were supposed to know everything, didn’t know that.
Many years later when my mother had to go for radiotherapy treatments following a cancer operation, she refused in-patient care and went on the bus every day. She didn’t ask anyone for help… she didn’t want to be a nuisance! The villagers would have been horrified if they knew, after all the care and compassion they had received from my parents over the years.
However in later life I found that they were just repeating their own parents’ pattern and making sure that my brother and I were well trained in the life formula to put everyone else first… and not to be a nuisance. Obviously that is what they thought worked.
So I went through life assiduously applying the formula, and being nice. My calculations to assess the nuisance quotient when I was asked my preference would include:
- What others might want to do
- What costs were involved
- How much time it would take
- What would it then stop others from doing?
I spent most of my working life putting the client first, going the extra mile, sometimes working through the night. Adrenal exhaustion finally caught up with me and I could no longer work. I told very few people – well, I didn’t want to be a nuisance!
And then my body shouted a little louder – I got cancer. Again I told few people, but a dear friend I did tell suggested that I meet up with Serge Benhayon.
He asked me to consider how much I valued and loved myself, and through the Esoteric Practitioners and fellow students I was offered huge support to explore the answer and change my choices. That is what I have been doing since.
It has been (and is) such a journey to undo the ‘nice-ness’ that I had embodied so well, to open up to the love that is there inside me and what that means in everyday life.
Thanks to Universal Medicine and the inspiration and support of fellow students I am beginning to accept that I have a unique contribution to make to the huge jigsaw that is humanity.
If I hold back then the puzzle can never be finished. If I try to make myself as others, the puzzle will never be complete. Suppose I am the key piece that makes sense of the other parts and when I am truly being me others can see where their piece of the puzzle fits? If I don’t, then there will be a hole.
So that would really make me a nuisance, when I am not being all of the me that I can be!
by Kathie Johnson, Leamington Spa, UK
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Now reading this blog again has made me realise that we have all played this game more then we actually realise. When it is clear to you then it is clear to be seen in another.
Where I am currently working, I’m observing the niceness that’s all around me and I questioned this. Was this always there? Or is it that my sensitivity to it has gone up that I see it everywhere, and I was in no doubt part of. It seems as our awareness increases in whatever we are working on or healing, observing in another is simply reminding me that I once came from there. And to bring more of an understanding of where another is at and in that, we remove judgment/condemnation.
I love how life is constantly communicating to us, it’s how we are in it that can makes the difference.
“He asked me to consider how much I valued and loved myself” – This is a question to ask myself too Kathie – all too often I still negate all of who I am and all that I bring, and hence I do not value myself enough but in so doing I also negate my deepest essence and the greatest strength which is my connection to Soul. Soul can only work through us when we love and appreciate the vehicle we hold and the choices we make that prepares the vehicle for the presence of the Soul, our true presence.
The Soul only loves us continually, no matter our actions. Yes we have karma upon us, but it never leaves our sides. When we are in appreciation, the Soul offers more of the magnificence we once came from, as nothing on this plane of life can ever match this magnificence.
Kathie I love this statement, ‘I have a unique contribution to make to the huge jigsaw that is humanity’. This is so true, everyone of us has something to offer to everyone. So it is really important that we don’t compare ourselves to others.
I observed this in three tradesmen that came to our apartment to attend to some repair works. As they settled into our home, each and everyone of them I saw and felt their essences come through in how they worked, and they complemented each other. This was so beautiful to observe. Can we see this is our everyday life, or are we too busy focusing on the what is not, then the what is?
Kathie this is a brilliant blog that exposes how we get saturated with ideals and beliefs and take them on as ours. And this is how we get lost from the truth of who we are and become everything to everyone. And this is never enough because everyone has demands that change constantly. So it makes sense we end up exhausted
I agree Mary, we grow up with soooo many ideals and beliefs that when and if we wake up one day, it can be confusing as to what is the truth even though everything in our being is feeling and telling us that this isn’t it.
Exhaustion and burnout has nothing to do with work, it’s how we are in every situation, it is that simple.
Kathie this is a profound sharing and one that I can also relate to in terms of learning not to be a nuisance to others and playing it nice and always being accommodating to others. It is a process to let this go and allow confrontation to happen as it needs to and to know and realise that this is actually OK.
This is a sharing I can also relate to, not being a nuisance, playing it nice, and being accommodating to others. The beliefs that were passed down the generations, and ingrained in us as we grew up were horrific.
Lorraine I agree with you being nice is huge for everyone as we all want to feel wanted. We perfect being ‘nice’ and yet nice is so damaging to our bodies because we are actually poisoning it. And if we are honest with ourselves we can tell when someone is being ‘nice’ because it feels disgusting and so dishonouring of our innate sensitivity.
How strange that we can spend our whole life focusing on who we are not, instead of being who we truly are. Family patterns, ideals and beliefs, seem to get in the way of our own truth and love, which is the greatness of who we truly are. Of lately I have come to realize how powerful are our family beliefs systems, that can if you let it rule one’ life. The trick for me is constant connection and awareness, no matter what.
As I make my way out of beliefs, ideals and pictures I can feel how vital it is to feel each situation I’m in and the quality of energy. If I’m in a picture and the situation I’m in ticks all the boxes I may not question it, but the quality of energy of the situation may be quite harmful. I can see why shutting down clairsentience and our natural ability to feel things as part of the model of this world as it allows the many harmful beliefs, ideals and consciousnesses to continue unquestioned.
The words that come to me are mutuality and inter-relatedness, and I am feeling how we are disconnected from this very basis of our entire being, that we have to manage our inter-actions with each other and be a certain way rather than just letting ourselves be. This gets played out by most in various ways, to a varying degree, and we all have stories to back up the ‘belief’ but I am getting a sense how even that is a choice.
Trying not to be a nuisance is a very lonely place as you are keeping people out and not sharing all you are feeling.
When not being all that one can be is being a nuisance, it changes the whole concept of what ‘not being a nuisance’ means.
The belief systems passed through families often are like a kind of training, they can be instilled into the children over and over, with the only verification needed being it was how the parents themselves were brought up. So much harm can be done under the umbrella of what’s considered “good”, and because it’s thought of as “good” we may not question why something is considered as the only way to be, or look at doing things differently. To me that’s why we need interactions with others, to look at how others live and give either confirmation to our truly beneficial ways of living, or cause us to question what we hold as good but which may in fact be harmful.
Being “nice” is like an infectious disease – it robs us of our true vitality as trying to keep up appearances is exhausting. Being true to ourselves is completely liberating.
Thanks Elizabeth for your comment, I am still learning to be true to myself and honour how I feel, it’s a big difference between how I have lived from my mind, to now living more from my whole body and what I sense and feel.
Kathie this is so relevant to me, my nanny’s main phase 2 years before she died was “I don’t want to be a nuisance” I found this distressing as it was like she was directly saying she wasn’t worth it, I see the pattern also rub off on my mum and I have had to work super hard at not applying the same method.
Letting love in and letting people support us is a healing that everyone deserves.
Another common and very similar one is “I don’t want to make a fuss”, people can be sick, injured, or need help in some way yet not let anyone know because they don’t want to “cause a fuss”. I agree that it’s very tied up in low self worth and low value, it is like apologising for taking up space. This is how beliefs complicate life, instead of it being a simple situation of saying what’s happening and letting support in which is actually beneficial for all involved and an opportunity to grow.
I feel when we are being ‘nice’ we are not living in a true way, it’s a way to control and manipulate life and others. To drop the masks we hide behind and live our true selves is going to ruffle a few feathers – bring it on I say.
Ha ha, and it does, ruffle a few feathers, our very vibration unsettles some people.
In being our true selves wherever we are we bring the reflection of love and truth, the qualities that are greatly needed in this world today to re-establish the standards we all deserve to live by.
Really when you consider the truth of it, being a nuisance is in fact not being ourselves for we do not bring our part of the whole and as you say Kathy, ‘If I try to make myself as others, the puzzle will never be complete.’ … a beautiful reminder that all of us play a part in a bigger whole than we sometimes can ever imagine.
Thank you Kathy for a great article, I can relate to ” don’t make a nuisance of yourself ” which leads to deference to others and niceness so as to not offend. This is such a controlled way of being avoiding true responsibility of who we are and what we bring as an important part of the puzzle.
This really demonstrates to me that we need to deal with our stuff – if I think asking for help is a being a nuisance or I don’t think I’m enough or what ever issue I have – and kids around me mimic that then I am responsible for potentially retarding another human being’s growth.
How we live and express comes with a huge dose of responsibility.
This fear of ‘what will others think?’ and the family pressure to conform, be nice, reflect the family in a good light can be crushing to grow up with and can significantly shape how we are and act as adults. To understand all of this as a choice can feel pretty huge – afterall, when we’re young it can feel like we have no choice but to do as we’re told or face the consequences – but to see that scenario as a choice as well, as a reflection of how we might have been or behaved in a past life.. all of it is incredibly healing, because seeing the bigger picture allows us to see our part in it, and what we have aligned to. And since everything is a choice, it’s never too late to change how we relate to ourselves, to drop the ‘nice’ and to start living and expressing as who we truly are.
Lack of self worth may be a way to run life. Although, it may conquer the favor of others will never inspire anyone to want to be more.
This kind of upbringing can leave deep scars and may take a long time to overcome and be free of it as the ‘goodness’ permanently expressed and requested is so insidious.
It is incredible what we pick up from our families – how we are raised to be the same as the generation before. Not being a nuisance and putting everyone else first is a big one. I know I got very caught up in this and being liked, when in fact I was not being true to myself.
Yeh it really shows us how we need a generation that will break away from old family behaviours and lay down a fresh untainted path for future generations to walk on.
Well said Meg I totally agree with you we need a generation that is able to break away from tight constraints of family behaviours and traditions, so that children can grow up knowing who they are in truth without having to apologise and conform to the expectations of society rules and regulations.
Universal Medicine bring the awareness and the revelations for every aspect of living life on this planet
It can give quite a lot of satisfaction to be very self-sacrificial as one then stands out and is quite special but the price is immense.
When I realised that playing ‘the less than’ card was as arrogant as playing ‘the superiour than’ card I also realised just how judgemental I have been.
Yes, the irony is that we are equal, regardless of which card we play!
True Kathleen judgement and arrogance can creep in sneakily, and both feel horrible.
There is a comfort in allowing oneself to be abused, a security in knowing that we can stay hidden and won’t get attacked for who we are.
Christoph Schnelle totally get what you are saying here as this is what I did as a child, I tried to hide as much as possible because it was obvious that the family unit was not going to tolerate any level of light in the family. I often felt I was living with the wrong family and that I really was the black sheep, living in that constant nervous tension did take it’s toll later in life via a nervous breakdown and ill mental health.
I love this blog Kathie as it shows us the ultimate consequence of holding back who we truly are – everyone misses out including us.
It is great to have a blog like this that shows what immense effect it has, when we live by believes and ideals that are not true . How much it compromises our true essence constantly, how we are in the hamster wheel of fulfilling the ideal that we once said yes to as a “truth” and how sick we become, if we don’t expose the falsity of it.
Yes, and the situation is also not helpful when we allow others to indulge their bad behaviour as that leaves traces in their body.
The world is a very unpleasant place when we think we need to shrink ourselves to fit. I used to find it hard to ask for things, but then I realized that it was me underestimating their power, to be able to say “no”.
I am often still overcome with the struggle to accept food or drink etc when at another persons house – even just a glass of water. From a young age there was the feeling of not wanting to be greedy or put the family out with demands, which I know i sometimes still feel, but it prevents you from really being there and part of the family that has invited you into their home – it adds a layer of tension and formality that doesn’t need to be there.
Yes, Rebecca and if the boot was on the other foot and you were the one offering to share, how does it feel when the other person doesn’t accept..because they think that’s was they should do to fit in with you!!!! Crazy or what?
I know, when my dear friends hold themselves back from just being a part of the family and the genuine offer of being an equal is crazy – we hold ourselves back from being open and at ease when we keep ourselves ridged with these ideals that we can’t ‘be a nuisance’
And it puts you into this – “you are the owner of the house and I am only a guest ” and don´t really belong to it. It creates separation immediately. What if you would go into a house of a friend you never been before and ask where to get a water from by yourself. It allows an atmosphere that also gives an ease to the person welcoming you, as they are not in the duty of supplying you in a way shape or form.
It’s a great contribution Rebecca with the angle of “not wanting to put others out”, and there are so many ways of saying the same thing, “don’t make yourself a nuisance”, “I don’t want to make a fuss”, “I don’t want to get in the way”, all of which come with such a sense of awkwardness and a lack of self acceptance.
” I am beginning to accept that I have a unique contribution to make to the huge jigsaw that is humanity.
If I hold back then the puzzle can never be finished ”
This is very important to know ,one is part of the jigsaw and everyone part in it is vital .
Thanks John; in the days of family jigsaw sessions, we looked for the straight edge pieces first, with the corners being a particularly prized find. What is now on offer is that every piece is important and maybe at the end none more so than the missing one, wherever it is in the picture, for without it no part is whole
Vital and appreciated. I agree.
Holding back what we have to offer is indeed a crime as we are the only ones qualified to bring what we bring to the whole, whatever that may be.
I like you call it a crime ! It certainly is- what if we would be sued by an instance because we are not being ourselves and holding us back ? What if the whole world would follow the purpose to bring out and support the best and uniqueness in everyone and whenever someone is not going for it he/she would get a pull up? I would love that- one day it might be like that, when humanity understood, that how we live will never lead us nowhere.
Yes I would love that also Stefanie and can live the future now by not holding back but instead bringing all of who we truly are to every living moment.
I just realised on reading this and seeing some things happen in my life, that the real nuisance is when I’m not me, and not bringing the part I bring. And that’s for each of us to know and live.
It really shows how important understanding someones behaviours is and to not judge them for how they are because we don’t know how their life has been that has made them cope in this way with it.
When we play ‘nice’ we are not being true, it is a game of playing less and doesn’t evolve anyone.
What a distraction it must of been applying your nuisance quotient to all that you did instead of just showing up and being yourself – the stress we put ourselves through sometimes can be so unnecessary.
Thank you so much for sharing this Kathie. I can see that trying not to be a nuisance is actually an attempt at protection. We falsely believe that if we take up less space in whatever way we can we will be safer in some way. In truth we rob ourselves and others of the full package we are when we choose this pattern.
I too was always told about not making a nuisance of myself as a child , and I think this carried through where into adulthood where I would say sorry for this that and the other even though it was not my fault so to speak. I too felt the ugliness of being nice, these days I am feeling more what is true and learning to express from that place of knowing.
I felt this recently Jill when someone was trying to be something they are not, because we have tickets on ourselves of how we should appear to others. I could feel how we are actors in a play we have been given the script and we play our part. But that part is not who we are, and so we are all robbed of our truth.
“I am a rhythmic being and I live in a rhythmic world.” I love these words Coleen they feel so true in my body when I am connected, I can quite often get caught with focusing on the time and feel the stress and tension that it brings.
Imagine if our parents were to ask first up did you hold your light?
We would all then deepen our relationship with death as we would understand the relationship that we have with passing-over and our next incarnation so we can shower our light on our relatives.
Thank you for exposing the harm that ‘being nice’ can impose on our body.
“Do not be a nuisance” is a great example of how limited/reduced life is when we see us as merely human.
I love this analogy that if we hold back we could be allowing for the whole piece or plan to not be complete.
I have experienced many a beautiful child come running up and start chatting with me – whether in the shopping centre or waiting in line in a bank, or at the beach. And the parents very often are calling out to the kids to stop being a nuisance. Unless a child is stomping on your feet or whacking you with a stick, how could they ever be a nuisance – they bring such life and delight with them. Any child who has been treated equally and lovingly is never going to be a nuisance. This constant calling them a nuisance must eventually have its affect, as you have said Kathie, finally crushing them.
We are never a nuisance unless we make ourselves believe it so.
Oh, those many familial patterns that get passed on down from generation to generation and are never questioned, but just lived. And oh, the outcry if they do get questioned and sometimes totally rejected. I am sure that ‘not being a nuisance’ is one that many of us know well, and in the process of being expected to be the perfect little child so much of our natural joy and spontaneity would have been crushed. But it is never too late to let go of the belief that we are being a nuisance, reclaim our childhood joy and begin to live it all over again.
I love the analogy with the jigsaw and remind myself and others often when talking about valuing ourselves and what we bring to life. What if, just what if, the puzzle cannot be completed without our piece? Without valuing the importance of that piece we all miss out.
I can very much relate to the being nice and learning to fit in, but as you discovered what good is it to have everybody fit in when the true fit is to be the true part of the whole that one is.
When we allow ourselves to be the love we naturally and innately are, we offer to humanity and this world everything that is needed.
Thanks Kathie, as this is a reminder about what my boss shared in the first job I had, work was all about the ‘customer being right, even when they are wrong they were right.’ Love or at-least the level of Self-Love I now live in has shifted my relationship with clients, so my relationship with work has turned out to feel and to honestly share with my clients.
Indeed Greg, the only way to be honest to oneself is to apply this same honesty to others you are in a relationship with.
No matter what we think or say or body will communicate to us whether how we are living is truly working. This is a great blessing to be appreciated as it means we are limited in how much we can stray from what is true…
Kathie I so relate with this part of your blog “It has been (and is) such a journey to undo the ‘nice-ness’ that I had embodied so well, to open up to the love that is there inside me and what that means in everyday life.” There is no doubt that this is the true way of living should we allow it for ourselves and I have come to know and feel throughout my entire body that there is no love in nice and no nice in love.
So great Kathie, that you find your way to yourself and to live from that true beauty. I learned from a great friend that if we want to take care of others it always has to include ourselves too, if not then there is no true care anyway. I love the idea of a puzzle, while reading your words I felt a joy of being equally important to make the completion. No puzzle piece is more important then the other. They can have a different shape but without all of them it is not complete, there is no union.
It is wonderful to see documented this transformation from the mask of ‘nice’ into being who you truly are Kathie. Your blog paints a great picture of how society in general conduct itself, through fear, protection and pretence. World teachers have taught about it, great writers have characterised it but we still mostly go on doing it! You are a pioneer for all to break through this conventional way of life and live truth.
Letting go of the ‘nice-ness’ is a great step in moving towards loving yourself and being true to who you are.
Absolute Lorraine. When we begin to walk and live with love we soon realise that ‘being nice’ is not so ‘nice’ at all, as we are in fact withholding what we feel is true.
I love the service these type of businesses offer, not from the products they stock but from how they are. Sounds like this business was the pillar of the community and rightly so. What an injustice that is served when the community doesn’t show this and equally when the person providing this service doesn’t appreciate it fully. It’s amazing to see how these behaviours are passed on and it’s great to see a person in a generational behaviour make a significant change to open the way for a healing for all. I am in business and this highlights the relationships that we have in business and puts forward another layer to allow yourself to be supported and in that appreciate the support you bring to everyone.
Seems to me receiving appreciation is part of the difference between being servile and providing a service, how many times do you hear “it’s just my job” when expressing thanks? Many organisations have customer complaints departments, how about customer compliment departments?
Yes the complaints line is there as the first point of contact if you have any feedback on businesses or people and I agree why don’t we call it the “customer compliment departments” and you can still make a complaint but it’s intention is for people to show their appreciation for what they are receiving and not just expect it or play it down. A lot of us have trouble with people appreciating us, it can make us uncomfortable and this maybe a small and yet significant change that supports us all.
Oh I love this idea Kathie – a customer compliments department! That would change things. No doubt when the large percentage of the population begins to appreciate themselves this might come into being. At the moment there are questionnaires being sent out to be filled in by customers after certain customer service calls – in which there is an option to express your appreciation . . . but basically the intent behind these questionnaires is to check upon employees, and the results can be held over employees if they don’t rank high – so it could be quite intimidating for those in the work force – especially if you encounter a detractor or very stressed and unstable customers!
It is so ironic that ‘being nice’ with the best of intentions achieves the opposite result.
I love what you have shared here Kathie. “If I hold back then the puzzle can never be finished.” this is so significant.
Not wanting to be, or ‘don’t be a nuisance’ was a belief that also ran in my family through the generations, it is so crazy that this belief was imposed on us and that we accepted it, or was it giving us something at some level that we wanted?
I know when people refer to me as ‘nice,’ its meant as a complement, but these days I don’t like the description, because the nice person I have fashioned myself to be, is not really the true me, but the person who wants to be liked.
Kathie I love the way you end the blog. You being you is an essential part of the puzzle.
Gosh, how many can relate to this. I too have walked on eggshells much of my life, living in fear that I will annoy another or put someone out. It’s debilitating and we don’t realise it until it’s brought to our attention, either through an illness in our bodies or through an increased awareness that we are actually not a nuisance at all, but a much need piece of the puzzle as you say.
Wow – who would have thought being nice and polite would be so detrimental to our body!
That we are all essential parts of a jigsaw puzzle that is to be completed else we miss the bigger picture, really brings home how we are all equal and whomever needs support to be themselves receives that support. This is what brotherhood is all about as is accepting my responsibility to shine, to be myself.
If I hold back then the puzzle can never be finished. If I try to make myself as others, the puzzle will never be complete. Suppose I am the key piece that makes sense of the other parts and when I am truly being me others can see where their piece of the puzzle fits? If I don’t, then there will be a hole. I love how you have described this Kathie, very well put.
It’s amazing how one single comment can have an effect for every single day of our lives. This really reminds me how important our expression is, and how deeply ill-expression can harm another.
I so agree Meg and even more insidious when we have taken a meaning that was not intended from the comment, but we just didn’t check at the time….part of our responsibility for what we ‘take on board’….or not.
That is true we can misinterpret comments, though I would say that most comments come with an energy and we deeply feel the impact of that.
It is interesting to look at our family upbringing and see what patterns of behaviours were set up and what set of ideals and beliefs surrounded the family. To observe it with grace, understanding and compassion, and then feel what is true and what is not. Quite often we can just play it all out without taking the time to look at it and say, is that true for me now? (or possibly ever?). And the understanding is important, and without judgement, as quite often our parents repeated their own set of behaviours, ideals and beliefs.
Yes, very worth looking at and as you say – with understanding not judgement. We all have patterns of behaviour we have taken on and that is why bringing attention to what we do and why we do what we do is so refreshing because it offers an opportunity to expose those ‘norms’ that actually might be harming our bodies.
We can move in a way that keeps us in the illusions that what we are doing is the ‘right’ thing to support others. In truth it just supports others to stay stuck in an endless loop. True support is to live in a way that offers reflection to another of another way to live, a way that gets you out of this endless loop. Being nice never helped anyone to evolve, being true is movement in evolution.
‘Suppose I am the key piece that makes sense of the other parts and when I am truly being me others can see where their piece of the puzzle fits?’ A great question for us all to ponder Kathie and to claim the unique qualities we all bring that are all needed and so beautifully support the whole.
I love your last sesntemce referring to us being part of a jigsaw and us needing to be ourselves to be our part in that.
‘I spent most of my working life putting the client first, going the extra mile, sometimes working through the night.’ When we put others first before looking after ourselves, we lack true quality. It is much more discerning to look after ourselves first and produce a true quality in our work rather than something that reflects the lack of quality due to our lack of responsibility and livingness.
I always found that I was more of a nuisance to people when I didn’t speak my mind or say what I wanted because then they would be left guessing and trying to read what I was really saying behind the words. In my experience, we all love honesty as it brings people to the same point and no one is left guessing or out of the picture.
“If I hold back then the puzzle can never be finished”….so true, we are all so needed in this jigsaw puzzle in humanity, we all have a part to play which means no-one person is more or less than another.
As the adrenal exhaustion and cancer shows, if one does not look after oneself first one is not able to help others and then one becomes the ‘nuisance’ one is endeavouring all the time not to be.
I know that one. Don’t do anything that will make others think that everything is not under control and ok. It’s quite an effort doing this and it’s in my opinion just people that is starved of love, both from within themselves but also the starvation that happens when we keep ourselves separate and distant to others by wanting to look so called perfect.
‘If I hold back then the puzzle can never be finished. If I try to make myself as others, the puzzle will never be complete.’ We all have a purpose in life, and if we hold back our expression we are holding back from being part of the whole.
We each have our own unique expression and all our unique expressions together make the whole that will then enable us all to evolve back to where came from.
I wonder how many of us grew up with the words “don’t be a nuisance” ringing regularly in our ears. I don’t remember it being said to me at home, only before I went to visit others, and I am sure that was accompanied by ‘be a good girl, ‘be polite’ and ‘don’t forget to say thank you’. I can feel how these words began to feed the belief that if I am good, polite etc people will like me, instead of knowing that if I was simply given the freedom to be all of me that they definitely would have loved having me in their lives.
Holding onto values such as being reliant and not being a nuisance can not work, as in order to keep up these appearances, we must have tolerances that go against our innate nature of delicateness and sensitivity of our bodies.
Beautifully unravelled what a true nuisance would be. It is so very important to look at the patterns we have and those of our parents as they are linked and only with an open heart and deep understanding can we undo what we have taken for normal. There are so many things I have taken for normal only to discover that they are ways how I have learned to be in the world.
Well said Kathie. This is a familiar tale and something I can very much relate to – although the word in my family is ‘burden’ rather than ‘nuisance’. ‘Don’t be a burden…’ is something I have heard many times. How glorious it is to start saying no to this lie and to reclaim the truth of who we are, putting that puzzle back together again in Oneness.
Wow Kathie. You had me remembering being told the same thing – not to make a nuisance of myself. When people said this to me it made me realise that they may have found me to be an inconvenience at times too. I did the same thing with my siblings and as an adult I can still view people as being ‘in my way’. Your blog reminds me how precious people are and how much we miss out on and hurt others when we do not honour this.
That mindset of ‘don’t make a nuisance of yourself’ has a lot to answer for. It has attempted to suppress the living expression of so many young people and has stayed like a stain on the hearts of a multitude of people. We can gather now ourselves together and say ‘no’ to this and to the many other ‘ideas’and curses that have been put upon us and which we said ‘yes’ to.
I can relate to not wanting to be a nuisance and not fussing, just to make someone else’s life Unruffled. Somehow I have been given the message its not OK for me to ask for anything or be myself. I cant blame anyone but myself now if I continue to do this for I have learnt that we are all equal and I am as worthy as another!
What a gorgeous transformation Kathie. What you have shared is very enlightening and so true. We create complication when we are not being ourselves and as such experience the loveless that this brings, in contrast to when we are truly being ourselves and live in honor of what we feel is true, we then bring love to the lives we live.
Not wanting to be a nuisance is a common thing. But on the other end, I know how lovely it is to give support when needed, help a friend, or be there when someone is in need. By not wanting to be a nuisance we deny others that joy.
It is only through the constant appreciation and valuing of ourselves that we get to know the volume of the universe through us and the responsibility we hold in our unique expression of truth.
I love the analogy of the puzzle for we sometimes forget the unique contribution we have to make to the whole and how without it the whole is less. We have a huge responsibility and it is gorgeous when we claim and express that for others to see what they can choose too.
If we put other people first, few people will see our awesomeness. A very ‘safe’ approach with long term costs.
It is almost laughable as I ponder on making myself ‘be nice’, or living the exquisite beauty I am. Yet unfortunately this is not a laughable matter as there are ways that the being nice affects me to this day. A stop moment, one in which to honour my beauty and grace, one to ponder on holding myself with this as I step into the amazing new day tomorrow.
As children we are often instructed what to do, when we already know what to do from the get-go.
“It has been (and is) such a journey to undo the ‘nice-ness’ that I had embodied so well, to open up to the love that is there inside me and what that means in everyday life.” I can so relate to being nice and not wanting to be a nuisance. As a child of the fifties children – especially girls – were taught to be quiet and ‘don’t speak until you are spoken to’. Undoing this all is taking a while – but since discovering Universal Medicine my life – and myself – have changed hugely, as have the lives of many other students.
We blame genetics for all sorts of things when in truth it is our behaviours that are passed on from one generation to the next. Observing my behaviours I get to question as to whether they support me and through the observation I give myself an opportunity to respond and let them go and in doing so I put an end to the behaviours that may cause illness and disease in future generations. Now this is what I call true love and it begins with truly loving the self.
Genetics is our easy answer for not accepting our responsibility in the life we have lived and the choices we made.