When I was younger, one of the first things I learned was that when I play out my strong side I get adored for what I can do and I then have control. My talents helped me to win praise and I could easily get recognition, which then gave me the feeling of being someone special and worthy of being loved. But this false type of ‘love’ was always combined with a doing, so for my whole life I thought that I had to do things, to be special or produce good results to be loved.
In what I did and what I brought I was pretty confident and sure, but if I walked next to someone who seemed important to me, I always felt myself to be less (as a person). A sentence would come up in my mind that: “I am a bad person in life.” I could easily look up to people who impressed me and truly adore them, but adoration and love for myself were foreign words.
To compensate for this awful feeling, I would put myself above others really easily in situations, using my skills or talents to do so. My success always assisted me with this opposite mechanism – I felt strong in this, but it kept me away from true connection with other people.
If you are the best, no one can touch you. You are on this pedestal of security, which is indeed not a safe place at all and is actually a very lonely place. When you are in that place, it has the effect that no one asks you to be more – because you are IT already in the way the world sees it.
With my current awareness I now know that I never really opened up to other people, although on the outside I seemed very open and communicative and wanting to connect with others. But it could not have been real connection, otherwise, I wouldn’t have felt so lonely inside in the silent moments where nothing was there to be done – moments where I wasn’t needed or where I was not showing others how good I am in any activities, all in my quest to prove I was worthy of being loved.
I was always searching in life, because I felt this couldn’t be it.
- It can’t be that I have to have the outside to recognise me so I could feel happy and feel me.
- It can’t be that I can’t really surrender with other people around me, so that I was relieved when they left me after a date.
- It can’t be that life is only about becoming more successful and liked and adored for that.
- It can’t be that I oscillate only between feeling better than anyone or lesser, without any equality.
- It can’t be that being with people means being racy, excited or annoyed.
- It can’t be that only the outside can give me the freedom that I think I need from it.
Seven years ago I met Serge Benhayon and, although my defences and clever coping strategies did not disappear instantly, he presented to me a different way, which I could choose to be, or not.
I chose this way.
After all these years I now have an awareness I could have never imagined and this awareness helps me to observe myself and get out of these separating, relationship destroying patterns.
I recently realised how easy I am around people now because I am more me and I am taking the space which I need. I have stopped playing different versions of me with different people. It is beautiful to see how people react when they see me being open and vulnerable – it helps me to trust, that being ME is enough.
I have not mastered that and there is still a way to go deeper – but the built love I feel now in my life for people is absolutely amazing compared to a couple of years ago. It doesn’t matter how far you have come, what matters is the decision to be aware and be honest with yourself and to say yes to a change. There is so much love inside me that wants to get out, holding it back does actually hurt more now than to release and express it towards others.
I started to open up towards people because I opened up to myself and built the love for, and inside, me.
The more I become my true self and live that with other people, the more I receive freedom in myself. This is the most amazing feeling I´ve ever felt and was looking for my whole life – not being dependent on anything on the outside and needing no proof to feel good inside. These moments are gold for me and I look forward to more.
There will never be an end point of love and I appreciate where I am at now, looking forward to more deepening.
Words can´t even describe how grateful I am – I thank deeply from my heart Universal Medicine, Serge Benhayon and all of his family who reflect to me the truth and the love within that I was always looking for.
And I also thank myself equally because I hopped on this journey, which is not secure and gives me no attention or anything from the outside, but brings me back to my true silky-satiny SELF.
By Steffi Henn, Photographer, Cologne
I Am Amazing Just For Being Me