From Being a Lonely Rider to Opening up for People

When I was younger, one of the first things I learned was that when I play out my strong side I get adored for what I can do and I then have control. My talents helped me to win praise and I could easily get recognition, which then gave me the feeling of being someone special and worthy of being loved. But this false type of ‘love’ was always combined with a doing, so for my whole life I thought that I had to do things, to be special or produce good results to be loved.

In what I did and what I brought I was pretty confident and sure, but if I walked next to someone who seemed important to me, I always felt myself to be less (as a person). A sentence would come up in my mind that: “I am a bad person in life.” I could easily look up to people who impressed me and truly adore them, but adoration and love for myself were foreign words.

To compensate for this awful feeling, I would put myself above others really easily in situations, using my skills or talents to do so. My success always assisted me with this opposite mechanism – I felt strong in this, but it kept me away from true connection with other people.

If you are the best, no one can touch you. You are on this pedestal of security, which is indeed not a safe place at all and is actually a very lonely place. When you are in that place, it has the effect that no one asks you to be more – because you are IT already in the way the world sees it.

With my current awareness I now know that I never really opened up to other people, although on the outside I seemed very open and communicative and wanting to connect with others. But it could not have been real connection, otherwise, I wouldn’t have felt so lonely inside in the silent moments where nothing was there to be done – moments where I wasn’t needed or where I was not showing others how good I am in any activities, all in my quest to prove I was worthy of being loved.

I was always searching in life, because I felt this couldn’t be it.

  • It can’t be that I have to have the outside to recognise me so I could feel happy and feel me.
  • It can’t be that I can’t really surrender with other people around me, so that I was relieved when they left me after a date.
  • It can’t be that life is only about becoming more successful and liked and adored for that.
  • It can’t be that I oscillate only between feeling better than anyone or lesser, without any equality.
  • It can’t be that being with people means being racy, excited or annoyed.
  • It can’t be that only the outside can give me the freedom that I think I need from it.

Seven years ago I met Serge Benhayon and, although my defences and clever coping strategies did not disappear instantly, he presented to me a different way, which I could choose to be, or not.

I chose this way.

After all these years I now have an awareness I could have never imagined and this awareness helps me to observe myself and get out of these separating, relationship destroying patterns.

I recently realised how easy I am around people now because I am more me and I am taking the space which I need. I have stopped playing different versions of me with different people. It is beautiful to see how people react when they see me being open and vulnerable – it helps me to trust, that being ME is enough.

I have not mastered that and there is still a way to go deeper – but the built love I feel now in my life for people is absolutely amazing compared to a couple of years ago. It doesn’t matter how far you have come, what matters is the decision to be aware and be honest with yourself and to say yes to a change. There is so much love inside me that wants to get out, holding it back does actually hurt more now than to release and express it towards others.

I started to open up towards people because I opened up to myself and built the love for, and inside, me.

The more I become my true self and live that with other people, the more I receive freedom in myself. This is the most amazing feeling I´ve ever felt and was looking for my whole life – not being dependent on anything on the outside and needing no proof to feel good inside. These moments are gold for me and I look forward to more.

There will never be an end point of love and I appreciate where I am at now, looking forward to more deepening.

Words can´t even describe how grateful I am – I thank deeply from my heart Universal Medicine, Serge Benhayon and all of his family who reflect to me the truth and the love within that I was always looking for.

And I also thank myself equally because I hopped on this journey, which is not secure and gives me no attention or anything from the outside, but brings me back to my true silky-satiny SELF.

By Steffi Henn, Photographer, Cologne

Further reading:
I Am Amazing Just For Being Me

736 thoughts on “From Being a Lonely Rider to Opening up for People

  1. Steffi thank you. I can relate to seeing my worth in what I do and not who I am, and for me too that is changing as I build more self-care and appreciation in my life. I liked this sentence: ‘It doesn’t matter how far you have come, what matters is the decision to be aware and be honest with yourself and to say yes to a change.’

    1. How often do we have this picture how we have to be or how fast we have to change things or behaviours. To honour every step and be as kind and understanding as we are to others is super important. Otherwise we want to fulfill a picture which has nothing to do with unfolding.

      1. Totally agree.. sometimes when we can suddenly see an old pattern or behaviour that we’ve been holding onto for a very long time, it feels like there’s a rush and an urgency to drop it -and in that, we can react and go in the complete opposite direction, which isn’t being ourselves, or loving, either. Appreciating and totally accepting where we are at right now without needing to get anywhere else or be more of who we are is super important – otherwise we’re on this perpetual chase of trying to better ourselves, and missing all the amazing times that we could be having right now.

  2. ‘The more I become my true self and live that with other people, the more I receive freedom in myself.’ – Beautifully said Steffi and when we live our true selves how this supports others around us to also make this loving choice.

  3. This is great Steffi, I can feel how the self control is leaving me very lonely sometimes, while I truly love people, and can feel that there is a huge opportunity to grow and know that I can love myself, and through that there is no need to control myself in being with other people. As I don’t truly connect when I choose to be that way. There is a great freedom in having a truly loving relationship with ourselves.

    1. It’s like we choose to be lonely, but in that choice we don’t realise or understand how to change our ways and our patterns and our absolute reactions to things that come up in life for us ~
      But all that is truly wanted is connection, support and a deep love

    1. I agree Marion, accepting that we are enough is so totally awesome and is making me wonder why we would ever want to be anything more or anything else.

  4. I can so relate to seeking recognition for what I do – and for me it was because I could only recognise myself through doing, I had to be in constant motion to know who I thought I was – and ‘connection’ I thought I was building with people in that way was so fickle. Knowing myself in essence really changed my world.

  5. Steffi, thank you for your blog. It was a real healing for me to read as I too have rode on the horse of self-betterment and pride over others, falling for the security but failing to see that the security, the comfort and the pleasures of being the best were all a show, hiding a reality of self loathing, emotional hurt and extreme vulnerability. No matter what we put up on the outside, it is nothing compared to the reality of how we are truly living

  6. Thanks Steffi, magnificent blog. For years I remember comparing myself to others, thinking I didn’t have what everyone else had. At school i used to go and play sports at lunchtime, because that’s what everyone did. It was a big thing to transition from having a playground to then going to an oval. I never liked sports because it was hard on my body and I always ended up getting so angry because I was trying so hard and I just couldn’t do it! It’s so great to bring this honesty back and realise that all along, I was really awesome and very sweet, but life does not make this the focus.

  7. ‘It can’t be that I oscillate only between feeling better than anyone or lesser, without any equality.’ If we operate like this then we’re constantly measuring, pitting ourselves against others and creating a leaderboard which leaves us feeling either better or lesser. The sad thing about this approach is that we are constantly in judgement – not only of others but also of ourselves.

  8. It is so true Steffi, that holding back our love for others does actually hurt in our bodies as the love that we are wants not to be restricted in its expression. The love that resides in us is not something we own but wants to be expressed freely and without any restriction in everything that we do.

  9. This is a beautiful blog Steffi it shows the incredible change it makes to choose for ourself and connecting to the gorgeousness we are and share this with others. It frees us up from being something we are not.

  10. Thank you for this blog Steffi, I found myself nodding to many parts while reading. When we relate to each other from an expectation of how we should be with them or how they should be with us theres a tension. That then builds a mistrust because we expect others to be the same way – this already puts up the defences without even allowing the possibility for potential between two people who are new to each other. But when we connect to ourselves as Universal Medicine has presented over the years we get to feel ourselves from the inside first, knowing who I am from the inside and how I feel gives me a marker of the quality I bring to another and holding back what is inside does indeed hurt! we have to move our bodies in a very deliberate way to keep it all inside that is very noticeable on a biomechanical level. I am learning more and more lately that being me with others is very simple and it only requires me to be in connection with my body and the quality in the way it is being moved, all the outside actions my body knows how to do, it’s not like I have to focus on blinking, I just blink. When we focus on the outside task or relationship it’s like the body is put on the back burner and the quality of our movements dips, but bringing the focus to how we are in the movements or relationship changes everything.

  11. Thank you for sharing Steffi. The question that presented as I was reading your story Steffi was “How is it that what is true and natural and soulfully us, get so off center and end up with this isolation and non equality disconnect result?” This has been the same in my life and mirrored within the majority of people I know. If at a role of the dice at least 50% of the people would be getting the soulful way of living, if the rest took a wrong turn and missed the connection train. I think that this world is set up for us to take the wrong turn in life. I am with you Steffi in thanking the Benhayon family and Universal Medicine for the true reflection of what we deviated from. And yes thanks to me for seeing the wrong and commitment to right it.

  12. “I started to open up towards people because I opened up to myself and built the love for, and inside, me.” Most beautifully said and I love how you point out that you chose this. We have so much power simply by the fact of having a choice in every moment.

  13. I remember being asked “what are you going to be when you grow up?” I know it’s a way of having a conversation with a little kid however it was asked so much and I never had an answer. I felt it was an important question and I gave it weight. We can bring all of our fears and insecurities, our expectations and values to meet others – All those things we have stacked in front of us to keep people from knowing us, or we can meet another as just ourselves, without expectation or judgement. I admire and value Serge Benhayon so much when I realise that just about everyone who came to listen to him had different versions of not letting others in and he consistently let us all in, year after year with such dedication to showing us how we can be. It is so important for our development to be aware of how we hold people at bay. It is so important to let this go and to step up to coming from our hearts.

  14. I’m aware of how courses and workshops often start with an opening ‘group introductions’ session and groups invited to talk about themselves and jobs they do, rarely about who they are. In this way people become primed to communicate superficially. Group introductions offer an opportunity to connect with each other more deeply and could be transformed if different questions were asked, like: ‘Why did you choose to do this course?’ ‘How do you feel?’ ‘What are you bringing to this group?’ What service do you offer to customers and colleagues as part of the job you do’ ‘What do you value most about the job you do? Group facilitators have a responsibility to reflect and lead the quality of communication within groups and to step away from the old, tried and tested models based on identification with roles.

  15. I’ve become aware these past few days of changes in my body that don’t feel good, and know that it’s a consequence of losing my connection with self and without this, old patterns surfaced and my body felt heavy. I’m reminded that what matters most is the quality of the relationship I have with myself self and that this is at the heart of everything I do and has nothing to do with how others see me. By dis-connecting to self, I cause harm to self and others.

  16. Steffi, this is just so beautiful to feel and read. There are so many gems here, reading that it’s about ‘needing no proof to feel good inside’ that it’s just about feeling ourselves and that is enough, nothing further needed. And I love your appreciation of yourself in acknowledging that you choose to go on this journey. And it’s a huge support to read this today and understand the choices I’ve made which now allow me to be more myself with others and to stop trying so hard to fit in – now I am more myself in all I do, so a great mirror today to read this blog, thank you.

  17. Steffi, I too was very much a lonely rider and kept people at arm’s length, so to speak. Since attending Universal Medicine presentations I have come to realise how truly damaging this way of living is and have made the choice to allow people in more and more. Through this I have deepened both my love for myself and also for others and I appreciate how far I have come with this and also appreciate that there are deeper levels I can take this to.

  18. Gorgeous Steffi, the joy of opening up and letting people in is amazing and I find it amazing that this fact can allude us for most of our lives. If it were not for Universal Medicine this fact would still be alluding me today.

  19. Thank you for sharing Steffi. Keeping people out is the last thing I want to do but thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I’m gaining more understanding of myself and how and why it is that I do this.

  20. “I thought that I had to do things, to be special or produce good results to be loved.” This was my reality as well. All that ‘doing’ without realising that this keeps people away. It also keeps us away from feeling our own natural innate beauty.

  21. Thank you for sharing your journey from the loneliness of separation to opening up to allow others to see and know the real you which I can really relate to. It is so lovely to feel your appreciation and gratitude for the choices you are now making.

  22. ‘I have stopped playing different versions of me with different people.’ Life is so much simpler when we choose to do this although I can still get caught out falling back into old patterns but it feels so uncomfortable now that I don’t choose to stay there long!

    1. The more aware we become, the more we feel – and when we’re not being ourselves, or going back into old patterns, it starts to feel more and more uncomfortable.

    2. Yes, life is so much simpler when we are not keeping up appearances and also various characters/versions of ourselves. Taking the one complete person to everything is like the holiday everyone wishes for, only it’s no holiday, it’s life : the simple version.

  23. What I get from your blog is that when we feel “safe’ and ‘secure’ we don’t actually enjoy ourselves. Rather being ‘open’ and ‘vulnerable’ is although a little scary is where the real grand joy happens.

  24. Ah Steffi, how this world would be missing out if you carried on that journey of self-recognition and acceptance!

  25. I love that you thanked yourself Steffi. that’s the most important part – appreciating all that you have said yes to…because without you, we would all be missing something.

  26. “I started to open up towards people because I opened up to myself” – I’m living this at the moment and it is absolutely magical

  27. I can recognise everything you have listed here as my own, and how that used to make me feel even less worthy of love. I used to think that there was something fundamentally, seriously wrong with me and I had to be fixed – with Universal Medicine I not only discovered that that was not true, but also it was the biggest alibi I used in order to not live who I truly was.

  28. The aspect of putting others on pedestals is HUGE! Especially as 99.9% of times they have just as many, if not more, issues than you do. Once we begin to read energy and the movements of the body all becomes clear, and no one is greater than another.

  29. It is so true Steffi, and I imagine it is for many of us also, that we grow up learning that attention and praise is ‘love’, and this comes from all the things we do. We learn that we acquire this ‘love’ from what we do, and from another, and so we learn to doubt that who we are is already enough. I have come realise just how much of our world is set up to identify, recognise and validate who we are by our doing or what we obtain. Yet even with all the things we do or acquire, we are left with a feeling of emptiness as what we are truly seeking to be who we are and live the love we already are within.

  30. “….so for my whole life I thought that I had to do things, to be special or produce good results to be loved.” True for so many of us – and the education system perpetuates it big time. We can never ‘do’ enough to fill the void and can end up worn-out and exhausted. Universal Medicine has enabled me to change my life around and focus on the ‘be-ing’, the quality of my actions, before the ‘do-ing’.

  31. If we start to understand that in life everything is energy and that everything is because of energy we also know that what we share with the world also will return to us by reflection. Therefore we can only change ourselves if we are not happy in life and with that not only make the world a better place for ourselves to live but also for everybody that we share this life with.

  32. The ‘pedestal of security…is indeed not a safe place at all and is actually a very lonely place’ but yet so many of us have been tricked to believe it is. Well said Steffi.

    1. Yes I agree Suse, we get knocked from our pedestals very easily and then our confidence is shattered. Its a precarious place to put ourselves and/or others. Having a true foundation that comes from a solid relationship with ourselves means our confidence comes from within and not from what we do.

  33. “There is so much love inside me that wants to get out, holding it back does actually hurt more now than to release and express it towards others.” This is so true Steffi, holding myself in protection so that I didn’t get hurt was like a double edged sword. The hardening to protect myself was hurting me, and so was the fact that I was not letting the love out that was crying out to be expressed. This is now all changing as I begin to let go of these very old and very crippling behaviours, my body feels so much more open, lighter and freer and the protection is no longer controlling my life .

  34. So many people go through there life without ever coming to the awarenesses that you have and having been able to open up to and connect to themselves and as a result others more deeply. This is a beautiful evolution to develop and embrace… and one that we would all benefit from choosing.

  35. It’s amazing how so many people actually feel insecure and think that they have to become something/someone to be feel worthy and recognized in life – it makes perfect sense because the world as it currently is is the result of us walking away from who we truly are, therefore would never ask us to be who we truly are.

  36. The better than, less than roundabout is one that interferes with many people’s ability to be themselves and to fully meet and adore others. I know it was this way for me. Now having felt the beauty and grace of adoration for self and others any time the better than, less than rises it is felt for the disharmony it is, because of the foundation of adoration that I am now choosing to live with.

  37. The awareness and truly deep appreciation that I have from the presentations from Serge Benhayon so that I am learning to love from the inside out brings such joy to my life and like you Steffi, words cannot describe how great-full I am.

  38. ‘I started to open up towards people because I opened up to myself and built the love for, and inside, me.’ When we are looking for love outside of ourselves, we are missing the deep connection we have available to ourselves, and when we connect to people from our own connection first, we drop all the expectation and we enjoy the shared moments that there are to appreciate in full.

  39. This blog is full of the most gorgeous appreciation for yourself and for Serge Benhayon. Your experiences are very similar to my own and I love the matter of fact way you express. Thank you Steffi.

  40. Gorgeous Steffi, what a true resemble of you choosing your way and the claim you made to look inside yourself and give and live from that love you know you have inside.. Even though you were so use to living on the attention from the outside. I had the exact same thing and now walking my way out of the emptiness I had created by being not truly connected to myself.. And since this choice, and every choice thereafter I feel so much more joy, sweetness, power and absolute truth within me.. So it was worth giving. Thank you Serge Benhayon and all who walked before me, to show me the truth. The truth of why we need to live life.

  41. I really appreciate the honesty in which you write. It allowed me to be very honest with myself and see how I have lived and am living now. When you wrote – “it can’t be that I oscillate only between feeling better than anyone or lesser, without any equality” – I was so with you. I used to oscilate between putting myself better or less than others, and gosh it was exhausting. Like you I am letting go of these patterns and learning to live in the knowing that we are all equal and it is one most divine but at times challenging, thing to do.

  42. I agree making yourself more or better than another is a very lonely road to take. It is a way of self defence but it does take away what we enjoy most in life: being connected with others and feeling an equality between each other.

  43. Very true Steffi there is no end to experiencing love, to know it is a forever deepening process with no end point – what a beautiful and joyful choice to live this everyday.

  44. Protection can come in many colours and this is a clever example of a how protection has been used. Protection always comes with the colour of separation.

  45. Thank you Steffi, your words about choosing to be open and vulnerable instead of in a false sense of being strong and capable really touched me. From an early age we get recognised for what we do and good behaviour, for pleasing others, but not for being ourselves. Making that journey back to being me still has a lot of challenges, I can see how being open and vulnerable continues to be something for me to work on, and to let go of comfortable roles to simply be how I am in any given moment.

  46. Steffi I have come across your blog again and this time so many different things were highlighted for me! I can see that one of the roles I chose as a young person was to be “the strong one” and that meant never showing how I felt or that I needed support, just taking care of others and hiding behind this false strength. Now I am learning to be more open, more vulnerable, and more transparent with others by sharing how I feel…. just baby steps but I’m opening up.

  47. Reading this article has taken me to a moment in my childhood where I questioned ‘the way a particular part of life was’ because it felt wrong, unequal and very one sided. But I was shouted down by those who I was with as they ‘knew’ this falsity to be how it is done, and that it could not be challenged. I do wonder, if in that moment I had received instead support for what I felt, if I would have adjusted ever so slightly my honouring and understanding of self.

  48. ‘ I have stopped playing different versions of me with different people.’ I can relate to this sentence Steffi. I have so much more energy now that my only role is being me.

  49. Beautiful Steffi, to come back to you, to share you openly as you are, and that it’s not about the skills – this is inspiring and in fact what we’re here for to live us.

  50. This plays out in different ways for different people, but many think they have to do things to be loved, instead of just allowing ourselves to be ourselves in full, ‘for my whole life I thought that I had to do things, to be special or produce good results to be loved.’

  51. Opening up to people starts with self first, building a love and truthful relationship with our self, this then starts to include other people.

  52. It’s such a gift to read this blog and be reminded that we are on a journey, and there’s no perfection or end point in love, just an ever unfolding of us and all others in our lived and expressed love. ‘how easy I am around people now because I am more me and I am taking the space which I need’ … I smiled reading this and felt a deep letting go in my body, it’s that simple taking time to be ourselves and then we offer that naturally to others.

  53. ‘I recently realised how easy I am around people now because I am more me and I am taking the space which I need. I have stopped playing different versions of me with different people.’ Beautiful Steffi, I too love this development and the ease and grace that my body moves in as I let people in so much more.

  54. ‘There is so much love inside me that wants to get out, holding it back does actually hurt more now than to release and express it towards others’. This is a beautiful turnaround and something I can relate to as well. Love cannot be kept to ourselves hence we must share it otherwise it will no longer be love…

  55. Love it Steffi. Many of us chose to be a lonely rider. We can even be a lonely rider amongst people, thinking that we are a people’s person. Really being with people is opening up our hearts and letting people in.

  56. It amazing to see, read and feel that, “The more I become my true self and live that with other people, the more I receive freedom in myself.” It goes against everything that is currently considered the world and yet it’s the true freedom we are all looking for. It’s amazing to see how when we shut off or shut down to what we feel it creates a world that we don’t like to be in and yet we stay there, a self imposed exile that we think is made by someone else. It’s great to see people stepping out like this and writing about it so we can all follow in those same steps.

  57. We chase what we think we want on the outside only to find that even when we get it the emptiness within remains. Giving ourselves permission to express our true qualities, irrespective of what is going on around us, is the key…

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