The Oxford dictionary definition of addiction is: “The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity, where ‘addicted’ means being physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance or activity.” When we think of addictions, we tend to consider things like drugs, alcohol, gambling, certain foods or sex. These are the most common addictions for which there are many groups to support people to break their addictive behaviours.
I always felt that I didn’t have any addictions and that sports and exercise were the only things I possibly may have been addicted to in my early twenties, because I needed it every day. If I missed my daily hit of exercise I would get grumpy, demanding and even controlling of situations. This obsessive behavior with exercise started when I was quite young and was mostly associated with playing competitive sports.
Throughout primary school, high school and even university, my competitiveness in sport was seen as healthy and not at all an addiction. It was considered to be helping me develop self confidence and to be beneficial for my studies as it would make me study harder to be better than others; also to feel good about myself when I got there.
In the last few years I have realized that being competitive was an addiction; it was unhealthy and it was harmful for my relationships with others as it affected my ability to be close, open and equal with others. I began to understand that there was something else underlying this competitiveness, which was another crippling addiction.
I say this was a crippling addiction now because it is not discussed in society. It is very hidden and therefore nobody ever suggested that it could be. In fact, I doubt that there are any support groups available for this type of addiction, but rather there are actually motivational groups available that feed this addiction without even realizing that they do.
You see in primary school and high school there is a lot of discussion about the harm of smoking, taking drugs, drinking too much alcohol and even having unsafe sex or random partners. We learn that these are things you don’t want to do, or get addicted to, and if you become addicted, you are often viewed as a failure by family, friends or society.
However, I would say the addiction I had was worse than a drug, gambling or alcohol addiction. I’m not suggesting that these are not terrible addictions; they can be, because they can ruin not only the person’s life and health, but break down family and work relationships, and destroy generations of families.
The addiction I am referring to is recognition; that is, being seen or identified for some particular characteristic, skill, ability or activity – in any way possible. This includes being a runner, a good speller, good looking, witty, rich, fantastic cook, favorite daughter or son, well dressed, or even a slow runner, terrible speller, ugly, stupid, poor, terrible cook or messy. The truth is that an addiction to ‘recognition’ can be for anything whatsoever, even being an alcoholic, drug addict or abusive partner.
The crippling nature of being addicted to recognition is not only the fact that there are so many things we can be recognized by, it’s that our whole life becomes an attempt to be seen, to be noticed, even to be categorised or put into a box as “the person who does this, or is like that.”
The need to be seen or recognized ruled my life, and I noticed there were people that I desperately needed to be seen by to fuel my need for recognition, such as my parents, a teacher, a popular person, my boss, or a leader of an organization or group, or anyone from the opposite sex.
The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.
We end up living much of our life identified with a certain character or persona to the point that we are no longer our real selves at all. Instead, we become what we have been recognized by, trying to fit into certain criteria or categories that we have allocated in our mind. We shape, transform or change ourselves like a chameleon lizard changing its colours to hide in different environments.
As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. We are saying to ourselves that we are not enough just being ourselves – that we need to be something else, or something more, to fit in.
I have started to expose any need for recognition by observing myself in certain situations, or with different people. I ask myself, do I change certain characteristics about me, the language I use, the tone in my voice, or the way I dress and what I am willing to do and say?
I discovered that I learnt to change myself from a very young age by watching others and seeing what made them happy or sad, and how I needed to be to fit in.
I learnt how to speak to certain adults, how I should sit at school, what to not talk about to avoid looking stupid, how to behave to make my parents happy, what clothes to wear to not get picked on, how to walk to not stand out and even how to eat, when to eat and what to eat, to fit in.
Understanding how much I have changed myself and where, I am now beginning to feel who I truly am. I can now discover and express me in full, how I want to dress, how I want to sit or walk, when and how I want to eat, what I really want to talk about and how I want to be in every part of my life, without the need to fit in and been seen or recognized by anyone else.
I see that it hurts me to change who I am to try and fit in or to make other people happy, which is impossible anyway, because they are mostly unhappy because they have not been themselves either, and are looking outside of themselves for any sign or comfort to feel better about themselves. So, in fact, by me being myself, I can inspire others to feel the answers are within and they too can let themselves out.
I am deeply appreciative of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for sharing what it truly means to be me… and how it’s possible to live in a way that allows this in full.
by Anonymous
Further Reading:
Addicted To Guitar – Michael Serafin
Overcoming my Horse Addiction
From Recognition to True Love – one student’s unfolding
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
An addiction is simply the things we do in order not to feel the emptiness within ourselves as a result of not living in full appreciation of who we truly are and the many blessings we are constantly given.
Recognition gives us a name tag, it makes us someone, it is a filler for the emptiness in the absence of knowing and living who we truly are.
‘As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are.’ The need to fit into society is always very strong yet it often means sacrificing who we really are. What if we were to remain true to ourselves and allow the rest of society to realise that we don’t need to fit in, that there is nothing better than being who we are.
‘I ask myself, do I change certain characteristics about me, the language I use, the tone in my voice, or the way I dress and what I am willing to do and say?’ This is brilliant and really simple to do, clock how we are with different people, have we changed to fit in? In my case I often do, fitting in and adapting myself to different settings was something I even prided myself in. There are so many interactions we have with others throughout the day, how many of those am I really me?
I love what you have exposed that in trying to be what we are not we are hurting ourselves whilst denying another the opportunity to realize there is another way to be. So many people do the chameleon thing to either feel comfortable in a situation or be seen in a certain light but the beauty in just being and expressing who you are far outweighs anything we believe we obtain when we are not.
“The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.” I have had this addiction for all of my life it would seem – for it only to be recognised once I became a student of Universal Medicine. Not accepting, loving and appreciating ourselves for who we truly are leads to the wanting recognition and affirmations from the outside world. When we feel true in our own skin this need can drop away.
Could recognition be THE addiction. The one that takes us to the point of choosing alcohol, drugs, sport, food or anything else we may use to be recognized, to belong?
It is so true, we don’t talk about this addiction to seeking recognition and yet it pervades so much of society. Anxiety is increasing in under 13’s at a confusing rate, confusing until perhaps we look at this aspect. Are children looking for approval and recognition because it has been their fuel for much of their early life? As the cuteness wears off and the supply starts drying up, the addiction needs to be fed somehow, hence the anxiety of needing to measure up and to stand out. I don’t know, but it seems like there could be a connection.
This is an addiction that almost everyone has. I know this is a broad sweeping statement but the fact is if it were not true we would have brotherhood on earth rather individuals competing for attention, recognition and acceptance in every which way, desperately trying to hold on to their individuality. .
The addiction to recognition is so ingrained. I imagine that this addiction has hugely gone from my life but only an hour ago I felt the addictive pang of having been deprived of recognition for ‘doing a good job’ by someone snapping up the work that I am a part of and doing it! Good to see and acknowledge.
We all know the major addiction like drugs and alcohol, but as you have mentioned there are also some very subtle addictions that are equally as addictive ‘In the last few years I have realized that being competitive was an addiction; it was unhealthy and it was harmful for my relationships with others as it affected my ability to be close, open and equal with others.’ I have also had a similar experience, under the illusion of being a team player, it was safe to be friends with the rest of the team because it was always on a superficial level.
A powerful blog, unveiling the true evil that exists in the form of the pursuit of recognition. When you consider the need for recognition as a form of addiction, it’s easy to see how the scale of this is at epidemic proportions, representing the main driver in life for so many people, fuelled as it is by external images, ideals and beliefs and fervently sought in the vain hope that by achieving them we’ll feel better inside.
It is the most socially acceptable addiction out there, David. It is encouraged from the time we are old enough to interact with another person. A baby smiles at us and we give it praise. It starts that young. I’m not saying we should not smile at babies, their smiles and laughter are pure joy, but if we need a baby to smile at us to fulfil something that we feel is missing within us then we are showing that child that the only reason to smile is to make someone else feel good about themselves, and the praise we give them for making them feel better.
Beautifully and powerfully expressed Alison. I can totally relate to the truth of what you say here.
Absolutely Jenny, I agree, I remember kids at school knocking and pushing to be seen as the best, while others wanted nothing to do with sport and were forced to compete. Maybe in the future the forcing children to be competitive will be seen in a different light.
I agree Elizabeth, Alison and James with your comments – looking outside of ourselves instantly makes us lesser which compounds the lack of appreciation for who we truly are (a Son of God) and the inability to accept someone genuinely appreciating us. What an exhausting, endless merry-go-round this is until we catch the need for recognition and approval and make different choices to bring us back to ourselves in full.
It sure is exhausting Stephanie, the remedy, so to speak, is appreciating ourselves and all the amazingness that we are and bring. When we appreciate ourselves we are then no longer at at the mercy of waiting for a compliment or acceptance from others, as we have already accepted ourselves so then anything else is merely a confirmation that we already know and have already accepted.
For me too Stephanie, when held in love and true care it is quite remarkable to feel how the body begins to unravel itself from the ‘pretzel-shape’ its been in without it.
“The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it” – so true. Seeking recognition is indeed addictive for we take that as a substitute for love – but what if more and more people are able to feel and truly meet another in confirmation of their true essence?
Thanks for starting this discussion that nobody discusses.
The playing less game is the most perplexing, we think that it is ok to play this game, that it is the better way to promote ourselves, and that we easily get away with it because no one wants us to be more. It couldn’t be further from the truth of how we need to be with ourselves.
“The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.” unfortunately this is very true as we don’t grow up being confirmed for who we are and what we got so it is easier to be identified with what we don’t have and what we are not and there we get caught up in the vicious cycle of growing up looking for recognition in life.
So true cjames2012, can we let go of the need for love in the forms of recognition, approval and acceptance by addressing our old hurts and rejections and know that we are enough by developing self-love and self-acceptance.
It would be a different culture in organisations if people were appreciated for the quality that they brought to work and how harmonious they worked with colleagues and clients. We tend instead to recognise others for their achievements and what they produce which immediately sets us competition and comparison and the never ending seeking for recognition.
Indeed we instantly stand out when we live in connection to our inner hearts and stop seeking validation and recognition from outside of ourselves.
An interesting comment Mathew. So what you are saying is that you get recognition from not seeking recognition. It sure sounds crazy but I feel it’s true.
Yes, I agree Alex the world would be a very different place to live in if individuality was not the ruling way. The study on the “Roseto” effect 1955-1965 highlights how people’s health was practically un-compromised whilst living as true community and went into decline when this model was not lived some years later.
“a society that defines itself by community and living in togetherness instead of single individuals, self-centered, trying to figure out a basic consensus on how to live with each other as reflected basically everywhere today”.
Well said cjames2012. Self-love and love is the medicine.
Well said, Jane, recognition is nothing else than a gap filler. It`s there to fill big gaps of emptiness within us and we start learning how to do it already in our early childhood. We have hardly a chance to escape this game which is actually really sad.
The ways in which we seek recognition can be so sneaky. I still can find myself doing it in the way I dress, maybe by what I cook if I have guests, or by what I say or do…the list is endless, and all because of feeling a lack of self worth. But as I become more and more aware of this the need for recogntion lessens, and I can feel so much more at ease with who I am in situations where before I would have longed for some sort of praise or applaud.
Absolutely Sandra, look for recognition was one way in which I tried to survive the dramas of life, the other was the exact opposite where I would try to hide. Thanks to the simple presentations of Serge Benhayon my life has never felt so alive, with not a hint of recognition or hiding.
This puts another perspective on the children’s game of ‘hide and seek’ – perhaps it is not as innocent as it appears – I have seen children going to extraordinary lengths to conceal themselves and then being really upset when found and others desperately wanting to be found and giving continual clues in order to be seen in their ‘hiding place’. Is it possible there are elements of recognition and control already being seeded through this game?
Recognition is a monster with an insatiable appetite. It always feels empty and demands constant feeding. Its diet is indiscriminate, willing to consume almost anything and go to almost any length to get to it. Self preservation and self-satisfaction is it only concern. We cannot afford to allow it even a crumb, If we don’t feed the monster it will die, leaving us the opportunity to rediscover the beauty and harmony of the life we knew before the monster reared its ugly head.
Well said Barbara Ross. Your comment brought me to a complete stop. Yes, indeed “Recognition is a monster with an insatiable appetite”.
A monster that is totally out of control because it is not even recognised and this is so detrimental to true health and well-being. I am off to ponder upon the trail of crumbs in my own life that are still feeding this monster.
So true Matt – we do recognise it because we all know it at some level.
Recognition can come in so many guises. The most recognition I received at school was around mathematics – I struggled with some concepts and received a lot of attention from one of the teachers, so was rewarded for struggling more so than for the subjects I loved and was self sufficient in. I see now this was a clever strategy because I was in a class of high achievers and had little hope of being the ‘best’ in the class. But ‘playing small’ is just as poisonous for the body as striving for positive recognition – and also involves watching others and working out how to fit in. It is far simpler to just be myself, though it does not always feel easy, and requires a commitment to stay with myself through moments of discomfort.
Great point hartanne60 Recognition does not have to come in the form of success or doing well but can be equally be achieved through struggle, ill health, failure and so much more. This is where it gets really tricky to be able to see this through these avenues as society only acknowledges recognition through success and doing well.
Agreed Penny Scheenhouwer – recognition “through struggle, ill health, failure and so much more” is equally damaging as through being successful, but woe-is-me-victim-consciousness far more insidious as it is accepted and seen and misinterpreted as a ‘normal’ part of life being so difficult and challenging.
Absolutely Stephanie and Penelope. Getting recognition and identity through struggling with life or being a victim to it, is such an insidious stance to take, because we don’t realise the harm of it, and it is, as you say Stephanie, thought to be ‘normal.’ The identification with this role works both ways – we get recognition from people’s sympathy and we also get recognition through their rejection or cutting us out. Recognition is the name of the game no matter how painful it is to play it. Self-responsibility has gone out the window . . . and consequently so does healing and joy.
Oh yes hartanne60, I recognise this one both in myself and others. You can get lots of recognition for playing the fool/or less especially when you’ve assessed you are not going to make it with ‘the best’. Which none of that is true at all but it plays out for sure.
I have found this addiction to being ‘recognised for one thing or other very disempowering although I was at times convinced that seeking the recognition was a way of empowering myself. It took me a while to see the illusion of it as below:
• Since I started with “I am not good enough” and that “I needed something to remedy that”, the more I tried for recognition the more normal this way of berating myself became
• If what I was trying to be recognised for was not appreciated, or worse rejected, I was crushed because it confirmed that I was really not good enough
• Even when I was praised for it, I was at a loss. I now felt trapped in having to keep up appearances because this was obviously why I had been accepted!
• In effect I felt more separate to others because I knew they had not seen the real me so I did not feel they knew the real me.
• I felt more empty and alone than before.
• I was even more desperate for recognition!
It has been a blessing to come across Serge Benhayon that does not play this game one iota. He just sees you for who you are deep within and none of the games and superficial stories seem to make a difference. After a while I finally started to see myself as he was seeing me. I started to realise that there is so much love, wisdom and power already available deep within me – and within us all – unquestionably. And if I cannot feel, access or accept this, then the way forward for me is to clarify and heal the issues that I am holding on to which have resulted in this. Everything we have ever deeply wanted is within us! That is quite a revelation.
Awesome Golnaz, “In effect I felt more separate to others because I knew they had not seen the real me so I did not feel they knew the real me. I felt more empty and alone than before.” this is so key – for as long as we stay separated from our brothers and stay in self – there will be not true relationships – no wonder we have soaring rates of depression and mental illness, for this was never the plan.
So beautifully said Golnaz it is indeed a empty and fruitless cycle in seeking identification and recognition for it is only ever for a false self that we have created to hide our inner feelings of not good enough.
Golnaz, I fully agree with your comment about the revelation of who you /we truly are and the absolute blessing Serge Benhayon offers in having no part in playing the insidious game of recognition and approval. Thank you for sharing this gem.
” He just sees you for who you are deep within and none of the games and superficial stories seem to make a difference. After a while I finally started to see myself as he was seeing me. I started to realise that there is so much love, wisdom and power already available deep within me – and within us all – unquestionably. And if I cannot feel, access or accept this, then the way forward for me is to clarify and heal the issues that I am holding on to which have resulted in this. Everything we have ever deeply wanted is within us! That is quite a revelation.”
Thank you for writing this Golnaz, as what you say about Serge Benhayon and his ability to see the person behind the mask is so true. Seeing myself as Serge sees me, even if it is only for a short period, confirms to me that I do not need to do anything to be seen or recognised and that the natural loving and beautiful woman that I am is more than enough. This is something to constantly remember and embrace and is true for all of us.
This comment is so powerful Golnaz – on re-reading it today it brought a really deep appreciation for just how far I have come from the first attendance of Serge Benhayon’s presentations. I started with the same illusionary base line you speak of and through Serge seeing me as I truly am, this old consciousness began to be broken down (and continues to be so!) –
“I am not good enough” and that “I needed something to remedy that”, the more I tried for recognition the more normal this way of berating myself became.
How are we going to provide a true quality service and product to our clients if we are in business and driven by recognition? How are we ever going to fully offer ourselves the full care of love and understanding if we are driven by recognition? The bottom line is that when we are driven by recognition we are in effect starting to live the ultimate corruption – a corruption of true quality and care that is not often seen or talked of.
The more I feel connected to the stupendous being that loves us all unconditionally, the more it feels ridiculous to keep playing this game of seeking recognition. I need to seek it because of the hurts I have carried, but being in relationship with God heals all those hurts because you feel so deeply held.
Yes I agree Dianne T, this is an awesome truth Alison is sharing and have many times struggled with the same thing, and yes I still do…. I am also aware that as soon as I go into investment, my expression changes, there is a need and the need is ‘validation of me, because I do not accept or appreciate myself enough already’. Thank you Alison for such clarity.
I find recognition can creep in quite insidiously, often without my even being aware of it. It is slowly on its way out, as my awareness of it builds and as my love for myself builds.
Its interesting… recognition is like the first domino to fall, or seed behind many of the choices we make. To turn it around, would be to recognise and meet ourselves first, and from this connection, make choices. Am sure this would make a world of difference. It would be great if, recognising self, was shown to us as a child, then at least there would be the opportunity to shift the balance of recognition through competitiveness.
Competitiveness breeds social isolation. I watch this in the schools where kids are trying to constantly outdo one another. It is a playground but the start of the many diseases that are experienced in adulthood.
Agree Mathew, children are not naturally competitive but when they are not met for who they truly are, they quickly learn that they are recognised when they win or when they lose – both bring recognition. How simple would it be to meet children for who they truly are rather than to encourage children to undertake activities that are not only not natural, but which can lead to illness and disease later in life.
Owch! Awesome truth there Alison. This is something I have struggled to get clear on too – finding that razor’s edge between a true impulse to serve Humanity, and getting embroiled and invested in helping individual people.
The need to be recognized is only there within us when we do not feel our own love because when we feel full within ourselves and are connected to our own love there is no need to be recognized. What is required though is to learn to deeply appreciate ourselves which is an on-going development for me.
Beautiful Amanda. Let’s appreciate who we are rather than start changing to fit into roles.
Yes I feel like this also Elizabeth, although the need for recognition is not as strong in me as it once was I can still feel it lurking within me in more subtle ways.
You’re right when you say society is built on being recognised and the world would be far more harmonious if everybody felt and knew who they were and that they are more than enough by just being their real selves.
Competition, comparison and recognition, these definitely are not things that are seen as addictions. Competition is certainly seen as healthy and aids character building and the like. But what we are not clear about or not wanting to bring a level of honesty to at this point in time, is that fact it is the root of many ills, arguments, wars and differences around the world, our communities and with each other. This is really a huge deal, we are just not willing to accept just yet. We will hopefully in time, the more awareness each of us chooses and deeper honesty is felt.
Its interesting that the world we live in encourages us to strive to be recognised for what we do and not who are. Our education system encourages this recognition and the concept of winners and losers, best at this and that etc ,when we really all need to know that we all bring something special to life and that its not a competition , but more
complementary way of living that appreciates thus brings out the best of us in all we do .
Recognition, it is so insidious. It try’s to creep in, in so many ways and situations. Alerting me to the more that needs to be healed within, the lack of self worth, the lack of true recognition/knowing that I am enough and living that in full. It is a work in progress. I also thank most graciously the work of Serge Benhayon that has allowed me to see that this is what we do, the consequences of living like this and that there is another way that is fulfilling in more ways than we can currently imagine.
So true David. And ultimately – if we do now know and love who we truly are – we will be forever seeking something to fill that gap that we feel. So we will be forever seeking something else to fill it.
Just recently at work I observed how I still had a need to ‘fit in’, which became quite intense for me to realise that this old pattern of mine to ‘fit in’ is a great distraction from me just being myself for when I am connected to my innermost, I can connect to everyone easily, there is no trying and there is no need, and there is a natural flow of communication.
This time I paused to pay more attention to the negative kinds of recognition we can identify with that entangle and are less obvious than something like ‘I’m a slow runner’ or “I am bad at spelling”. They might not even be phrases we repeat but can still be what we identify with and live by, attitudes such as – I have to try hard, there’s something wrong with me, I’m not x,y or z so I had better compensate and be nice, everyone expects me to fail so I will – there are probably just as many ways we look for negative recognition as there are people in the world. Using negative recognition to fight our own power, glory and beauty.
We must be from the same family Alison! This horrible feeling as a child of being responsible for anything that went wrong anywhere is something that compounds the lack of trust in accepting our Divine origins and self appreciation is totally impossible when wedged between this ‘rock and a hard place’. It has taken many years to let go of this self bashing way of being – Serge Benhayon has inspired me so deeply to make new choices and thus experience the truth of the innermost essence which is within us all equally so.
I am sensing there is no end to a deeper acceptance and appreciation on our return to this vast and grand love that we are.
What you are saying Stephanie makes so much sense. I have been getting to see a more and more subtle level of ‘beating oneself up’ that is happening – in myself and others. This kind of expression makes such a distraction in the conversation or activity – a distraction away from our purpose, and has the effect of bringing everything to focus on ‘self’, instead of deepening our divine purpose.
I am seeing this too Fiona across all of my relationships but particularly in my children. As I blossom (simply by being myself with them), so too are they expressing more of themselves with me. Dominoes!
Yes, it always does come back to this one hurt doesn’t it – that we choose to leave ourselves, and when we do this, the gap that is created needs to be filled. So rather then fill it with ourselves, we look to fill it from the acceptance and attention from others. Madness, but I have absolutely done it time and time again.
Well said Ariana, I can really feel the lack of responsibility in making it about needing to be recognised, quite arrogant in fact. For if we are willing to dismiss the grandness within, then quite simply we are also choosing to dismiss the grandness in everyone.
So true David, recognition is no different to a drug, but worse so as it is not obvious that everyone is craving it and choosing to be hooked in by the false ‘attention’ it offers.
Agree Ariana, to be recognised for what you do especially at work [the HR term itself being ‘Reward & Recognition’] is huge and an extremely common reason why many leave their jobs to ultimately, and what we’re saying here is, have someone else feed us our value, to make us feel valued. When the feeding stops, just like a new chick it cries out for more settling only when it’s fed again. When we develop an innate value, we learn the value and essentialness of ‘feeding’ ourselves to lose the outside dependency, and in this way become self-responsible.
“Needing to be recognised is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.” …. and …. “It hurts me to change who I am to try to fit in or to make other people happy, which is impossible anyway, because they are mostly unhappy because they have not been themselves either, and are looking outside of themselves for a sign or comfort to feel better about themselves.”
Putting the two sentences together mentioned in this article shows the great illusion we have been living with. It is so very true that expressing in our fullness is the greatest gift we can offer ourself and everyone else.
That’s an interesting idea, Kosta. Addiction is usually built upon the premise that ‘if I do this (competition, drugs, tv), I get something out of it (recognition, respite from my hurts), if I do it all the time, that will mean I will get more of what I’m getting out of it’. It is flawed logic, but in the end the result is the same: identification with something that we can do that will take us away from what we do not wish to admit: that the things we do are not who we are and that the world we live in is not where the answers we are looking for are to be found. They are to be found within us.
Yes I’d say addiction is a deeply vicious circle of not being ourselves and then doing something to hide the pain this causes us which takes us further from ourselves and so requires greater addictive behaviours. So when people say they are just ‘taking the edge off life’ are they meaning they are taking the edge off the pain of not being themselves? I know I could say this is so of myself.
It is definitely a circle going round and round, Karin. Feel hurt, numb the hurt, feel the hurt from numbing the hurt and not being honest, numb the new hurt plus the old hurt some more, and so on and so on….
A great point, Naren – how it is a crazy circle of feeling hurt, numbing that hurt, and burying and numbing that hurt even further – and in my experience, even when I would think that I was getting out of that circle by giving up/introducing one device or another, it is still the same emptiness seeking to be filled – until somehow we find our way back to who we truly are.
That cycle is like trying to fill a hole with a teaspoon at the same time as digging it deeper with a shovel. It takes the step back from it all to recognise what we are doing and why we are doing it to begin that journey back to who we are.
I found that formal recognition, like winning a sports contest or getting a good grade is ok. It somehow doesn’t interfere with me so much and everything is at a distance. What I found much harder to take was when somebody congratulated me for doing it – the feeling of ‘there is something missing here’ was very acute then and I couldn’t avoid it. The more personal the recognition I get is, the more I couldn’t avoid that the recognition is empty.
This omnipresent belief of having to be better and do things right is such a potent poison as it will not let us see that in fact there is nothing to live up to and that there is no right or wrong – only a different chance to learn.
Being who we are – nothing more – this is the key.
Nikki, it is that doing what is there to be done that is so simple and yet the key to living a fulfilling life. I find it can be easy to make any task emotional and thus complicate it, yet living with a purpose in our lives makes the need for recognition so much lesser, as we are able to access a grander vision of what is important and what is just emotional fluff.
Exactly Alexander, beautifully said, we cannot make anybody happy as we are not connected to ourselves first. Without doing so we are only reflected that part of ourselves that is looking for recognition too. So when I meet someone looking for recognition we both come from recognition from each other, as is the normal case in our nowadays society and both come from he emptiness that the recognition is fed by. The fact is that we are meeting each other from our emptiness. How devastating this is we can see around us every day, but since everybody is doing it it is very hard to observe that it is actually there and not normal to who we truly are and come from.
‘As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. We are saying to ourselves that we are not enough just being ourselves – that we need to be something else, or something more, to fit in,’ and so we perpetuate the cycle of feeling we are not enough by seeking this recognition from outside ourselves. Thank you for exposing the harm and addiction in this evil pattern.
It is the classic set up Recognition and a vicious cycle we choose to endlessly chase. The moment we stop feeling the amazing person that we are at such a young age and decide that leaving this to get more attention from our parents else where is the starting point of our deepest hurts. That we actually were the ones that chose this and no one else. That we decided that we were not enough and had to do what ever it is to gain the attention, acceptance and love from others by leaving ourselves and doing what will give us this desperate need to be accepted. Healing those hurts and truly accepting our Awesomeness will shatter any need what so ever for recognition. One that I am going for and needs constant reminding as I have played the game for oh so long.
The need for recognition, for me, was so prominent in high school. The need to have the bag that was accepted or the shoes and makeup – the need to fit in was so desperate that I forgot what I actually liked and what I enjoyed about myself. I was so incessant on needing to be recognised as ‘cool’ that I went to extreme levels of abuse to ‘fit in’. It has taken 10 years for me to begin the journey back to who I am and confirming that I CAN make decisions for myself based on what I like without the need to be seen as something or a style other than myself.
It is ironic that we all crave love and intimacy with other people, yet in the absence of feeling that, we settle for the booby prize of ‘recognition’ and then start on the hamster wheel to gain that at all costs. Competition and raising ourself into the limelight at the expense of leaving another person in devastation of being a ‘loser’ is what is championed as the way to go. How lost must we be to keep falling for this and not notice the inherent lie or the absolute and utter irony of the set up.
I agree Lyndy, it is not a beast easily slain and I know I too will be feeling it as if for the first time whenever it stirs. I also agree with what Amelia has written above – that the need for recognition is something that actually stifles us enormously. If we were all content with being who we are, none of this would even be needed – not a drop! A lot of people think this would equate to a kind of ‘blanding out’ of the population – that everyone would be the same. But really, we’d just all be together, harmoniously expressing who we are. The variety would naturally be there.
The recognition is such an aggressive attitude that plays out in life. It puts others aside so we can self gain at another expense. It is so common place and supported when we are in school. It is an unhealthy way to live and never fulfilling.
I have behaved like a chameleon, adapting myself endlessly to fit in to any environment. I told myself it was the best way to survive in a dog-eat-dog world. However that was not true. I adapted and accommodated and absorbed whatever I needed to in order to be accepted and to avoid facing the truth that I had let go of my connection to the truth of who I was which basically made me a slave to struggling to invent a version of me which I could think was my own. Exhausting. Futile. Pointless. Especially when the connection was there all along just waiting for me to slip into place with it …
“I have started to expose any need for recognition by observing myself in certain situations, or with different people. I ask myself, do I change certain characteristics about me, the language I use, the tone in my voice, or the way I dress and what I am willing to do and say?” To observe is a powerful tool to be with yourself without judgement and also to appreciate what you have observed. Thank you for the reminder.
Attention and recognition rule so many people’s lives. The problem is they are inescapable from being satisfied and the need for more never ends. The guy that sky-dived from a balloon from the edge of space… what do you do next to top that? Is it not insidious how the treadmill of recognition rules our life. With recognizing what we do, we are given the choice to step off the treadmill or find something higher to jump off of.
It seems we have been fooled into pursuing recognition when in fact all we want is to be met for who we are. One requires us to change, duck, weave, perform while the other requires us to simply enjoy being ourselves in every way, shape and form and nothing less.
Its so painful to leave who we are and be in competition with others but society not only condones it, it also vigorously encourages it. From a young age we are given the strong message that we are not enough, that we always need to do things to be better or ‘seen’. The day we realise this is completely pointless, will be a day we will collectively let go a huge sigh of relief, as this way of being is exhausting and it is unnecessary.
The need for recognition is huge and crippling but we also need to look at why we crave it. Underlying the need is a lack of self-worth, self-loathing and a fear of rejection which is only resolved when we connect to our essence and accept our true beauty.
So true Jonathan – the first step to true healing is recognising the need for recognition and only then it is possible to address the underlying causes.
I recall being a child, aged about 8 or 9 at swimming training, and swimming fast with a view to the adults seeing how well that I swam, and then walking back along the pool, and being very conscious of how I walked, and of the fact that I was and had been wanting to be seen. The thing is that, even though the desire to be seen to swim well was almost over powering, back then as a child I was also slightly ashamed of the fact that I wanted to be seen. I remember the confused and contradictory feelings in my body. Back then I still had enough connection to myself to know that looking for recognition was not ‘quit right’ and yet I still did it, because it was just as if that was the way that it was. As I got older, I lost the confusion in my body, as I like most if not all of us, totally sold out to the need to be recognised. As an adult I became blind to the addiction, but as a child I was at least aware that it felt wrong.
I was a very talented chameleon throughout my childhood and into my 30’s and knew i was seeking recognition – be it approval and validation from others and attention, comforting and self- worth from outside of myself…until i met Serge Benhayon and attended Universal Medicine presentations, i had no marker of another way and could not see myself clear of this pattern. I felt confirmed in my phoniness everyday and the phoniness of others who accepted the false me. The experience of being seen by Serge Benhayon for who i was in truth and not the false veneer and being honoured in absolute equalness despite my less than loving choices until that point changed everything for me from that day forth. It is an ongoing process of allowing all that is false to fall away by living the true me in the world.
You write about learning to adjust who we truly are at a very early age …. I can feel that right through my bones. From the crib looking up and having to figure out how to get more of those smiling faces, rejection when how I feel or what is going on (even though I can’t talk) is felt as ‘bad’. I’m not blaming my parents here, but just noticing that the set up for living a life of recognition starts right from here. Serge Benhayon has offered a different example – being all the love he is no matter how I am, what I do… and over time that has offered me a different way to live, and love.
The way recognition has worked in my life is around a hurt about rejection and quite simply seeking approval from others is the default way of not feeling the devastation of that hurt.
A grace-full honesty Simon, thank you for sharing this as many can relate and connect with this devastation of not being adored and met for who we truly are from a very young age. We learn as children to seek attention and praise for doing things correctly in our development and I guess that addiction starts there and only dissolves when we give ourselves the love we are looking for.
School is where a lot of this starts, for sure. As soon as we’re taught the 3Rs, it’s all about stars on charts, who’s the fastest reader, best at tunnel ball, colours in the neatest, made the team, been selected for class captain and so on. I definitely honed my addiction to recognition then and sought it through academic and artistic achievement (it was never going to be via sport or music!) and through position. It was an interesting exercise as although I was smart and creative, I wasn’t the smartest or most artistic, nor was I ever chosen to be a prefect. How frustrating to skim just below the surface of recognition! What an interesting dynamic we create for ourselves when we don’t know or appreciate ourselves for who we truly are.
Many of us grow up with the belief that competitive sports are good for us – that they encourage ‘friendly rivalry’, ‘healthy competition’ (what great oxymorons these are!), ‘gamesmanship’ and teach us how to be ‘good winners’, ‘good losers’ and how to be part of a team. It was a concept I resisted mightily as a child and, as an adult, whenever I catch a glimpse of sports played live or on TV, I feel like I’m watching a war being waged. Sport of any kind, be it pursued solo or as part of a team feels innately aggressive and there’s always a pitched battle in progress, whether it plays out as the competition for a ‘personal best’ or against ‘the other side’.
The tendency towards escalation you mention here is spot on. Of course we need more and more – or at the very least to sustain a constant supply of whatever it is we’re addicted to. There’s a lot to be said for the quality of humbleness to counter recognition: even if I become wealthy, or sick, or impoverished, or famous, I need not be identified by any of these things. I’m still me.
Recently I watched a primary school sports day. This need for recognition is groomed into young children with the so called ‘competition’ however, I watched how so many kids were left deflated, sad and some in tears for not winning, while others revealed in the win and then proceeded to claim they were better than other kids. If the learning grounds of schooling supports and breeds this energy into kids, no wonder the competition between adults can be so insidious and quite separating, where everyone is trying to outdo the next.
Absolutely Matthew, the competition/recognition ideal is absolutely supported by and inculcated by the school system as it is and every teacher that lives in equality and Brotherhood begins the downfall of this tower. But even before school competition and recognition exists. Each person has to systematically observe and clear this impediment to wholeness, joy and love by re-connecting with their inner-most, spherically, an from the inside-out all will be eventually healed.
Recognition and its love-child identification – we are all hooked on these, particularly in the west where individuation is championed. I see a bit less of it in the east, especially in the busy cities where ‘standing out in the crowd’ would only impede the path of others – I’m particularly thinking here of the flow of the traffic. There is something worthwhile in considering the whole and going with the flow.
I am not sure about this Victoria. There is immense identification for ‘recognition’ in the East, just the same as anywhere else. It might have a slightly different flavour but it is cut from the same fabric.
I totally agree we inpsire and even give permission for others to be their self when we are. I really understood deeply this sentence too: “We end up living much of our life identified with a certain character or persona to the point that we are no longer our real selves at all. Instead, we become what we have been recognized by, trying to fit into certain criteria or categories that we have allocated in our mind.”
Yes Oliver great sentence and this has been my experience, having shape shifted beyond all recognition – ironically enough – how is it possible that we all just stand by watching each other change and change and morph and change to get what we think we need. We are all at this and yet no one says you were never like that as a kid to adults, just to bigger kids.
I agree, schools have sculpted competition into their curriculum, with recognition being fueld into the system for the best at something. There is never a prize for anything but the winner, and the winner is praised with recognition whilst everyone is left with nothing. This then creates a competition to get the recognition.
What you have said here Alison about the implications of the ‘recognition’ drive is truly beautiful! ‘I’m feeling an overwhelming responsibility to address this, not just for myself, but equally importantly, so I am not perpetuating this insidious addiction through the way I am interacting with others. I have a responsibility to humanity to meet each and every person for the beauty of who they are, not in any way through what they do’. Recognition is huge separater and divider, always keeping us behind a protective force, keeping us from ever meeting.
Hello andrewmooney and well said and I agree “that this incessant unquenchable need to be approved of and recognised as doing something that has some value is one of ways we try to avoid perhaps one of our biggest fears – being rejected.” Thank you Andrew.
It is so absurd that we change our bodies and our whole being just to fit in – not realizing, that by that we will never reach the feeling of joy, love, harmony and simplicity we all wish to find.
Living differently would be so simple: it just starts with accepting ourselves and simply being.
This is a massive scope without even realising we’ve done it, seeking that recognition faster then the flash…All the same it’s not something that has to continue and define who we are or think who we should be, with the inspiration of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine times are changing
Other people’s attention and recognition gives us a quick fix of meaning and value but as we know this is not lasting and we are compelled to continually fill the well which is empty because we are not valuing and confirming ourselves. Great to expand the conversation around addiction to include recognition as it is a huge driver of our behaviour and psychological well-being.
Great point Sarah, as with many other addictions they simply fill a space or a void we feel in our lives. Recognition does the same, yet because it is not as tangible it often goes unchecked and unnoticed and so is not addressed. It can be debilitating constantly needing recognition from others to simply feel good about yourself. Say you put on something amazing to wear and nobody comments about how great you look, well you may then feel down, like nobody noticed you even after putting so much effort in. Or you could put on the clothes knowing that you are amazing and then nobody needs to say anything, if they do it simply confirms what you already know and is not bringing anything to you or making you feel better in anyway. We need to value, appreciate and confirm ourselves first.
It is great that you have blown the lid on the addiction of recognition…it appears we have normalised recognition to the point that we go out of our way to encourage it if not foster this in others at the expense of who they really are. We certainly get the accolades and spot light for being better, faster, prettier and a multitude of desirable or less than desirable outcomes…yet where in society do we stop and celebrate another by their lived quality – for honouring themselves and living the truth of life? It is not surprising that recognition becomes addictive for it is empty of truth and irrespective of the constancy of recognition hits or scores, never will recognition come close to filling the void that is there in place of us.
The the pursuit of recognition is a self made prison. It identifies us as a certain sort of person and by choosing this ‘box’ we contain us and reduce our expression and development.
Totally get this box having built myself a sturdy little one early on in the piece, somedays I still squash my self into it banging my head and wondering why everything hurts. The world makes us this way but we ultimately choose to be this way. I want out of the box for good this life.
I have some vivid memories as a child of trying to get recognition for something and when it didn’t come feeling devastated and miserable, as though I had failed. Recognition definitely is an addiction and comes in any form imaginable, and when we get the high from the recognition we are only sustained for a short period before we need another hit.
This is absolutely true Julie – recognition is short lasting and unsatisfying every time despite our striving. How can it be any other way when we are seeking something false to be anything other than what it is? A false can never be true.
Exposing the extent to which the need for recognition has pervaded our way of living has been deeply revealing for me in reflecting on this further in my own life. I was aware of many choices I have made in order to seek recognition but in writing ‘…we are no longer our real selves at all. Instead, we become what we have been recognized by…’ you have raised my awareness of the totality of this situation and just how far we have previoulsy been affected.
A very revealing blog, on a subject that is so insidiously woven into the way we are encouraged to be by the influences around us that we often are unable to recognise it in ourselves or others.
So well said Kate, it is insidious and epidemic, to the point most don’t see it at all either in themselves or others… it is just the way we have accepted ourselves to be in relationship to the world. Only when it becomes more overt do we acknowledge it… and in kicks some version of the ‘tall poppy’ syndrome to ensure another’s ‘recognition’ remains at an acceptable level compared to our own.
Observation without judgement is truly a wondrous practice that takes us back to that innocence.
Indeed self observation is key to nailing areas where we are seeking outside of ourselves: “I have started to expose any need for recognition by observing myself in certain situations, or with different people. I ask myself, do I change certain characteristics about me, the language I use, the tone in my voice, or the way I dress and what I am willing to do and say?”
What a great point to bring to humanity to feel and discuss. The addiction of recognition is something no one would truly think about but something billions of people do in an endless myriad of ways. Not only are there an endless stream of recognition addictions to choose from, many of them are celebrated and are seen as great personality character traits and we should triumph if we have mastered them. A very insidious hook that always keeps one away from knowing and feeling that it is the connection to the inner that we should be feeling first, then choose to take that connection to whatever task we wish to do, not to be seen, but to be in service for others.
Absolutely Tracy, an endless stream of recognition addictions to choose from and who would have thought that it included every so-called non-achieving, unsuccessful version as well. An addict to being recognised in ANY way is definitely a paradigm shift for humanity to come to.
Totally Abby. Addiction to recognition interferes with EVERYTHING, setting up invisible but palpable and effective walls of isolation between us all, thereby preventing true love and relationship.
This is a great exposure of an insipid addiction that we are all guilty of pursuing even to the point of becoming as you’ve said – what we have been recognised for rather than who we truly are. It’s crazy we do this at our own expense and of others, denying the truth and quality of what we can bring and offer the world when we don’t try to be seen for anything and just allow ourselves to be who we naturally are.
I can definately recognize this addiction having played out within my own life, and I feel the opportunity that this blog has given me to go deeper with this today.
I agree pernillahorne, it was a blessing to read this today. I work in a place where competition and recognition are the order of the day, and it can at times be difficult not to get caught up in this. But we always have a choice, in every moment to simply be who we are.
There is so much we can understand if we where to pay attention to how we develop children. They are super free to just being who they are, lovely, playful and accepting of everyone equally. And then we change them into something they are not by applying expectations on them to perform. We are asking them to perform task and roles to fit into the model we have created that we think brings survival in the world. Then as we grow up we spend our lives miserable, sick or rejecting said model. I trust someone is getting a good laugh at our silliness, because it really is all upside down.
Well said sandrawilliamson. It is absolutely crazy what we do to our children so that we as adults feel better about ourselves. Raising our children in a way that supports them to be who they truly are and not for what they do, so they grow up confident men and women knowing who they truly are, supports them enormously in a world that is fuelled by the need to be recognised.
The acceptance of ourselves is an enormous subject, and what you have just shared would be felt by all of us in some way. It’s also something that I would have never put in the addiction box, but after reading your blog, it absolutely is an addiction, and one that I have observed in myself.
Yes absolutely Kim, self acceptance is enormous and most mistake this for feeling good about themselves by virtue of achievements, attributes or characteristics. To understand we are an essence, and that it seeks nothing to identify itself, definitely exposes our outer, constant search to be recognised and accepted by others…. and yes, an addiction in epidemic proportions for sure as it’s needed over and over, no matter how great or minimal the acknowledgment at any one time.
Addiction to recognition. This is definitely not something I considered as an addiction before, in fact most of my life I have seen striving for recognition as a good thing.
Just the other day at my place of work a competition was set up between the staff – it was all fun and games when we where all doing well at it, but it caused a underlying tension that made our relationships and interactions more on edge. And then if you started slipping behind, the feeling of not being good enough struggles to the surface – because we all need the recognition that we are doing well. it is a disease that needs to be recognised.
Beautifully put Zofia. Neither of those positions that cling around the paradigm of recognition – the inflated arrogance or low self-esteem – reveal any real self-worth and the beauty that self-worth can bring. The former two positions are out of proportion, while self-worth is warm, proportionate, confirming, and loving. What the world needs now is proportion, sweet proportion. Let the spiky spikes of recognition depart!
Competition at work really is the antithesis of group harmony – as you say, even in ‘fun’ it subtly (and not so subtly) undermines. Yet many ‘team-building’ exercises are built on competitive activities that pit colleague against colleague. Competitiveness is somehow considered a boon to productivity…
You raise a great point – when business and teamwork is built on competition then the foundation will always be rocky and the relationships always slightly tense.
I agree Zofia – at work I have seen some people automatically give up, not wanting to even try – and its something I also saw a lot in school, because often people have built up an idea that they aren’t good enough and so don’t try, completely missing out on their amazing potential.
I remember working with a group of under 10 children, many years ago. We were playing some games and one of them was with 2 teams. I can’t remember the details of the game but what I will never forget was this one young boy who was unable to play. When I asked him about it, he shared that he didn’t like the competition. It was as simple as that. From then on, I didn’t include any activities that were based on competition. This was a very wise 6 year old boy who was leading the class from the truth of his body.
Very wise, many children don’t enjoy competition and yet it is something pushed for in education – but whats the cost?
This is a powerful blog about what I feel is the world’s biggest addiction ever ” the need for recognition”. I think that there might be only a few people in the world not suffering from this addiction. Thank you for opening up the discussion about an addiction that has probably the largest effect on humanity.
The normalisation of this behaviour is the true evil here. Something within us knows the behaviour is not true, yet we subscribe to it because everybody else does, which somehow makes it ok. Great article, calling out the obvious.
I did Judo competitively as a child and I knew at the time that my favourite experience was that throttling feeling of tension that would then dissolve in an explosion of fighting where you wouldn’t know whether you would win or lose. I didn’t enjoy it when I slept badly before a big tournament, after that I slowly got less interested. I enjoyed the tension but not staying up involuntarily. Tension with comfort, yes. Tension with discomfort, ummm – can I get back to you?
I totally relate to your Judo example. I played Judo for some 10 years overriding my anxiety and fears to compete. The driving push I had to connect to compete felt so tense in my body I would feel like throwing-up.
Wouldn’t that be great Jane, to have schooling where we are not needing to compete or produce results but where we learn to accept and appreciate ourselves for who we truly are.
It’s interesting, we all look at addictions to be something outside of our selves when there is possibly one of the worse coming from within.
This is really honest ‘I have started to expose any need for recognition by observing myself in certain situations, or with different people. I ask myself, do I change certain characteristics about me, the language I use, the tone in my voice, or the way I dress and what I am willing to do and say?’ I have felt many times when I have had a need for recognition but just ignored this pretending it wasn’t there, the thing is this doesn’t solve anything! It is much more healing to admit what is there and then address from the inside out.
Well this is such an interesting blog.. I was reading going “I wonder what this mystery addiction is!?” then when you shared this is the recognition I was like “Oh… yes it so is!!” I have been addicted to recognition for such a long time and I am constantly catching myself seeking it from others. It’s something that does require hard work to heal because we have done it for so long. It’s beautiful that you have written this because I feel like actually nominating it is the first step we take in the direction of not needing the recognition.
I feel that all the roles we go in keep us “safe” in our recognition addiction as most of these roles are an acceptable part of our society- parent, employee, volunteer at the opportunity shop, member of the school board, student , soccer player, computer whiz, great cook etc.
I got a lot of positive fuzzies by being the super daughter /sister and am now just wanting to be me- its hard to shake the label off as it also stops others from being responsible.
Yes Abby, it is very hard to listen and allow love when my life constantly revolves around wanting to be recognized, it is totally focused on me, me, me, but in a very false sense. We are quite incapable of a relationship based on love at that point.
Beautifully expressed Adele. Being deeply inspired by Serge Benhayon – I am also in the process of ‘letting go’ of the addiction of holding back my expression from the fullness of me.
I am also learning to just be in the moment, often in the past I would jump on something that I felt wasn’t right or true this was part of the addiction of “being right” just this week I have sat through people talking about things I do not see truth in but was able to stay open to them and be in my body rather than have to prove myself etc. These addictions are everywhere!
I would have never looked upon recognition as an addiction until now and like any other addictions it affects some more than others, but when you think about it, are there many without even a hint of it. It seems like recognition is a poor substitute for feeling true love.
I can so totally relate to the addiction of recognition. When I realised that I had been behaving in ways to be recognised most of my life, I felt a deep sadness. Now with awareness of this I feel it when I go into that old pattern and it does hurt. It feels great to just be me more and more…..feeling how lovely I am without doing anything…..
Your blog made me look at this struggle that I had all my life, of feeling to not fit in, no matter how much I tried to look or behave like others. The problem for me is that I was/ am so hooked on having a clear-cut identification of myself in myself, because I feel so insecure about not fitting in. So, in a way the recognition addiction goes much deeper, it’s my spirit needing to recognize itself.
It is a revelation to expose the craving for recognition as an addiction. The difference with this addiction is that it is hidden from our awareness until we choose to stop and really see it.
Its ground breaking that no one would ever consider competition or recognition to be an addiction that is rooted into every aspect of our lives. The blog has alot to offer, and I am sure that these addictions are the cause of so many of the other patterns of behaviour – like excess sugar, alcohol etc which get used to relieve a permanent tension.
That’s a great and helpful connection to make Simon, that an underpinning addiction to striving for recognition leads us to turn to other addictions to help fuel the first.
So true Simon, sugars and drugs etc. are all to relieve the stress so we do not feel the addiction. I highly recommend this online coarse to anyone. It is very much needed in today’s society with simple practical ways to live in a world full of nervous tension. stresss and anxiety.
http://study.coum.org/enrol/index.php?id=14 Understanding Anxiety in Men
This cannot be argued with: “As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. “
Great singling out, Oliver. It really does sum it up the whole crazy game that we play. It strikes me also that desire for recognition = lack of self-worth – and lack of self-love and appreciation.
Good point Aimee. ” This definitely rocks the foundations of motivational groups that promote and encourage competitiveness through striving to be the best and get up in the world.” If we set ourselves up to rely on recognition from outside of ourselves we are forever living at the mercy of the world when alternatively we could be appreciating who we truly are in essence and be untouched by the whims of others and breaking the control that this addiction holds us in.
A real revelation to think that we’re a society of complete recognition addicts, just with different ‘poisons’ to give some variety to the choice. But what irony that the very recognition we crave outside ourselves is from people who are busy focusing on getting it for themselves from elsewhere. It’s so true that we hurt deeply when we abandon ourselves to an external marker of self worth, one we’ve made bigger than the true nature of who we really are within.
To be good or to open up to my divine nature? That is the question I eventually came to through the teachings of Universal Medicine. Thereafter, the addiction to recognition has been on a downward, exiting spiral.
What a great question Coleen. “To be good or to open up to my divine nature?” I spent a lot of time trying to be good and please others but now see that I was leaving myself behind “trying,” to be good. Opening up to our divine nature is naturally who we are and recognition takes as far away from that.
Yes Coleen, Universal Medicine has presented another way of being and recognition is losing its insidious hook and appeal and a new way forward is being paved, one with love and no need to be recognised or identified by what we do. I can imagine recognition will linger for some time because it has been there for so long, many (myself included) wouldn’t know they were in fact choosing that way of being. It is awesome that people are becoming aware of it and making a commitment to choose another way
A brilliant article on how wanting to be recognised for a skill, a way of being or talking or acting or looking and so on is so everyday normal for most people that we do not realise that who we think we are is not really who we are at all.
Gorgeous Adele… ‘I am now in the rehab program and my body is cleaning up and strengthening beautifully day by day…’.
It’s so true – we are like addicts moving from one hit of recognition to another – gleaning whatever attention we can from outside of ourselves to fill the emptiness of not being who we truly are. Like all addictions it is a vicious cycle that can’t be broken until you realise that you are in it and consciously start to make more loving choices. The question is how willing are we to live who we truly are? Or is recognition still just satisfying or comfortable enough to keep us hooked in for the next round?
What a great point you make. It is a vicious cycle and one that can only be broken when you consciously know you are stuck in it. This addiction for many would be very difficult to call out let alone to admit. Other addictions are easy to see and know. Recognising you had an addiction to recognition would be a leap in the right direction to begin with. Once there is an awareness of the pattern, then it can be truly healed.
Thank you for starting this much needed conversation. It is so accepted that we do things for recognition that nobody sees it for the incredibly harmful addiction it is. As you have shared, to seek addiction we have to leave ourselves so much that in the end we don’t know who we are. Like Pavlov’s dogs we just respond on autopilot to any situation where we might be able to get a crumb of recognition, thinking that is who we are. Sport is a great example of this. We champion the fitness, confidence, team aspects of sport but do not consider that by nature we would never want to compete or harm another.
This turns the word addiction upside down as it invites a much deeper consideration of what we are really addicted to. The addiction to physical substances could now be viewed as a way to cope with the much deeper addictions and behaviors that can happen hundreds of times a day. In fact, when we consider the behaviors that take us away from who we are, we actually have access to these ‘drugs’ 24/7 – anytime, anywhere we can draw upon any addictive behavior we want.
Agree Vicky Geary, and plus also the addiction to identification is the actual root or real addiction that we’re not honest enough to be looking at, and what arises the physical substance addictions that are viewed as the issue. They are an issue, but are not the root, and act more like a layer of grease that sits on top with blurry sight or vision. In this sense such addictions could even be some sort of scapegoat.
Now that’s taking it to another level Zofia! Looking beyond the addiction or addictive behaviour, there can be a pushing away of self-responsibility i.e. the behaviour due to the addiction. The grease is a great analogy – we need to look beyond it.
Being addicted to competition and being competitive are unhealthy and harmful to relationships and affect our ability to be open and equal with others. Worse still and underlying this competitiveness is the need to be recognised for our achievements. While there are actually motivational groups that feed this addiction of getting noticed by our competitiveness there is very little in the way of help to overcome it. It seems that many school teachers push children to achieve for their own recognition of achievement. It is insidious.
Reblogged this on florisvanderschot's Blog and commented:
#Recognition, society’s biggest #addiction. Far more hidden than the obvious ones as #gambling, #sex, #drinking, #drugs, etc. They are discussed in society. But the fact that everyone’s seeking recognition is something that we don’t discuss. Probably because we don’t want to own up. At least I can speak for myself. I’m only just starting to be aware of how much and when I am looking for recognition. When I’m honest, most of the time… Except when being connected with me.
I agree Marika, striving to be recognised creates separation in relationships as we are always too busy thinking how to outdo or stand out from another, when all we have to do is just be our natural selves and feel how we are connected and same in essence.
“I discovered that I learnt to change myself from a very young age by watching others and seeing what made them happy or sad, and how I needed to be to fit in.” I feel most people would relate to this as we tend to morph ourselves into something we are not that makes us play small and feel safe or protected from our hurts so we end up living a small percentage of the amazingness and beauty we were as kids, as you have shared having that level of understanding about why we chose that allow us to express more from our whole bodies and what feels true for us and not needing to go into the head to express in order to fit in or be recognised. Thank you
Yes, that is one big hidden addiction. And is seen as the thing to do in society to be recognised and an individual. I can feel how as I have been doing this for most of my life, how destructive it is to knowing who I truly am. But luckily when making more self loving choices, it is actually very easy to reconnect to that which is the true you.
Recognition, identification, role models, it is all placing ourselves into a mould we simply were never meant to fit and it is deeply crippling for us to do so. Not only because it is not who we truly are but also because it can have massive impacts on our health and true well-being and vitality over time. Our very purpose in life is driven by recognition – self – and this creates an enormous tension and drain on our bodies. I have found living from love and true purpose to be deeply rewarding for all, not just me, not to mention deeply stilling in the body regardless of all that goes on around me.
You describe well how deeply we crave recognition, and it starts so young, that many of us we lose touch with who we are, but thankfully we can come back.
We separate from love and in this separation sense a yearning and a loss so deep it feels as if a great big gaping hole has opened up within us. We then walk around seeking to fill this void with anything and everything, so as not to feel the nature of our loss. When we are full to the brim with these substitutes for love, we are suitably numb. The fillers we choose will vary from person to person. For some it is the obvious; alcohol, drugs, food, sex, gambling, fighting and for others it is the less obvious; emotions, drama, recognition, entertainment, sport, doing ‘good’…the list goes on. All there as massive bandaids to plug the ‘hole’ that we feel when we choose to not live the love that we are.
It’s true – society does feed and foster competitiveness and individuality, to the point of addiction and at the expense of our inherently sensitivity and euqalness.
“We end up living much of our life identified with a certain character or persona to the point that we are no longer our real selves at all. Instead, we become what we have been recognized by, trying to fit into certain criteria or categories that we have allocated in our mind.” And this way of living is exhausting – it is a constant striving (often for perfection) to be more for the outside world…whereas there is so much more within us if only we dare venture there.
Very true Paula. It is an exhausting striving for perfection, such a trap that we fall for. It entices but doesn’t deliver what the fulfilment we crave.
Addiction to recognition mmm… Lack of self worth is at the bottom of any recognition that I seek or have sought. When we finally come to understand that each and every one of us is already complete and that life is about the blossoming and expressing our unique and irreplaceable part of this universe, then recognition will be of just that, not of our perceived deficits and the comparison and competition this sets up to manipulate and corrupt the truth of who we are – Love.
In hindsight it all seems rather clear – when we get grumpy because we can’t have our daily dose of whatever – even exercise! – then we are definitely talking about addiction.
Oh brilliantly nailed Gabriele!
What’s interesting is the idea that we all want to fit in and be accepted, yet when we do this it’s not us that is accepted as we haven’t presented this, we have presented a version we think people want, so its not us that is recognised but the picture of us that is our facade.
So true Kristy, unless we show our real self, we will never experience being accepted as who we truly are.
We don’t even know ourselves who we are and therefore cannot accept ourselves either. It is like being imprisoned without knowing that you are.
I have never read anything revealing the harm in searching for recognition until now. This is ground breaking, perhaps creating a stop moment for many people to ponder on how true this feels for them. As for me, it makes perfect sense. The moment I wish to be noticed for something that I do or have or look like, I feel like I’m stunted; it’s like the power of whatever it was that I did or had is actually lessened, even taken away from me. This is an amazing realisation. It makes simply being Me the best and only way for me to behave; non imposing on anyone, least of all myself.
This is a very important blog because it challenges how we look at things. If I go back over my life and look at the various ways I sought recognition, at its worst I was in a dreadful state of desperation and experiencing high levels of stress to meet my self imposed goals; to be the A student for example. All of this was done with complete disregard for my body and to the outside world would look not that different really to other addictions. My life revolved around getting this one thing which I thought would make everything else going wrong in my life better.
It is interesting to consider recognition as an addiction and I understand how it can be so harming. I also see it as so normal that it would be hard to kick it without the support of others who understood the harm it does.
What you are exposing about sport, and about recognition in general, is huge, because these things are encouraged, whilst there negative effects are ignored. So many kids grow up exhausted from trying to please everyone and not having any notion of who they are because they are constantly trying to be everything for everyone.
This is a great point you have brought in Rebecca, these behaviours of seeking recognition are actually encouraged. It’s seen as good to actually show off in an activity you are good at and ‘wow’ people. This is clearly having a negative impact because take away their recognition, people are forgetting who they are… they left who they are behind to proceed in the journey of striving for more and striving to be recognised.
I agree Arieljoymuntelwit, recognition feeds many behaviour – probably more than we even realise – I wonder what life would look like without it?
Yes Ican relate to addiction very closely both to illegal substances and to behaving in ways to get attention. I used to thrive on getting maximum recognition from the world around me. I would strive so hard to be seen and feel special and in fact better than others. Indeed I never stopped to consider how others might feel if I beat them at something. It’s so obsessive being better than others and so blindsided- we forget about the all.
Good call out of recognition being an addiction, who would have thought?! But I completely see what you are saying. I see recognition as what we do in order to constantly be confirmed of who we are, we are always going by how others see us (good or bad), instead of how we are with ourselves first. I would go as far to say that this is not only an addiction but also a dis-ease. We ‘go through’ life with never being taught how to truly connect with ourselves or how to build, nuture and cherish this relationship. I did not have a clue how to do this, I thought I did and tried many different things but they all ended up taking me further away from who I truly was not closer! That is until I met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine who not only teach the way to re-connect but constantly live this as well. This is something that should be taught in schools everywhere and is very necessary.
Thanks for bringing our attention to,and providing some insight, to an addiction many people will be unaware of.
This is a hidden addiction indeed. We all do it in different ways depending on what we have learned along the way about how we need to be to fit in. The pull is so strong to be recognised and accepted that we do it without even realising. I know I still do this, though less so than I used to. How much freedom we would feel if we all allowed ourselves to just be ourselves without looking to the world around us to tell us how to be.
I love how you expose how many addictions there are and how some are not labeled as such in society. I recognize the addiction to recognition I used to have and how this made me into a person that is not me at all. It is still work in progress in letting go some parts of the mold.
For me the addiction to comfort is also a big one. Like we always want to hang on to what we know whether that is harming or supporting us. And make it about ourselves and being ‘ok’ instead of seeing all of humanity as one big family who are equally important.
And thanks for sharing how you began to expose this pattern and began to be true to yourself again, its medicine that we all need.
Thomas, this is another huge one to go on the list of ways that we become addicted to recogniton. Often we think of being addicted to recognition as being about being recognised for something ‘good.’ But this blog and the comments show that it comes in all shapes and sizes. I see it in schools a lot, and it’s not hard to see the bright amazing child behind the behaviour choices that make them look ‘stupid’ and ‘underachieving’
To make what I am in truth very solid in my everyday living is the key for me to get rid of my addiction. If I take the responsibility of my live – no one else has to make me happy or what ever. If I see me – I do not need to be seen by someone else. If I am in harmony – I do not need others to be friendly. If I am connected – I do not need others to be in any way. If I am with me – others want to be with me naturally, what is great and I do enjoy very much to be with others, but I do not need them for my self.
Building on our truths, as you have so clearly and beautifully describe here Sandra, is paramount in taking responsibility for how we are feeling. Relying on the approval or recognition from outside of ourselves is setting ourselves up to be at the mercy of the world rather than standing firmly in our self in the world.
Is seeking recognition a comfort? – Is it supposedly easier to do this to fit in, to make other people feel comfortable because they are choosing to live this way too (even though we feel empty, sad, unease, unfufilled etc) than stand out in our truth?
My addiction was to not compete, to be the moving target and just stay in motion doing whatever kept me hidden. The easiest way to fit in was don’t try. It was my cunning plan to coast thru life. Till that longing for the bit that was missing and the search outside of myself crept in finally and in the end found Universal Medicine that that showed me what was missing was just a connection I had lost to something that was never lost…me. My only true addiction I have now is just being me.
You can also have the opposite which is to rebel and not try to fit in because you can´t, give up and push people away. Nowadays, I am reversing the process by being aware of what people expect and then choosing to let them in anyway. I don´t have to change myself, however, I need to be open to what people are living to be able to communicate and not let myself drift away from humanity.
“We end up living much of our life identified with a certain character or persona to the point that we are no longer our real selves at all.” – many people end up not knowing on the surface who they really are, feeling completely lost and searching outside themselves, but deep down knowing something not true – hence the unrest, unease, the rates of illness and disease and mess peoples lives and world is in because we are not living our truth.
“The addiction I am referring to is recognition; that is, being seen or identified for some particular characteristic, skill, ability or activity ” This is rife in the world and I can say for one still plays out in my life to this day. We have championed recognition and identification and all equally have a part to play in this. Recently I have been working in primary schools and it blows me away that kids as such a young age are already learning to seek recognition and identification through what they do, and we praise them for this, and on the cycle continues. There is nothing wrong with sharing and appreciating a persons talents and skills, but to foster a life on praising what we do and achieve before the person themselves is deeply harming for all. With the recognition in comes competition, people trying to constantly outdo one another or prove themselves, alongside comparison and jealousy. All of which are evil creating separation, when in truth we are all one and the same, and stop us from living in true harmony.
Wanting recognition is an addiction and we will do some extreme things to get it, even to the point of putting our own lives at risk and in some cases others also. I don’t think there is any part of our life which wouldn’t want to be the star attraction, even when we are supposedly hiding or being shy, there is still recognition in that.
Ouch! Reading this blog I can recognise a deep-seated addiction to a lack of self-worth and how I felt I could do anything and everything better if only I tried harder. Gradually as I have listened to presentations by Serge Benhayon I have chosen to let go of this crippling addiction and now feel the freedom to just be who I am – equal to all.
Beautiful Mary another addiction busted wide open, who thinks about lack of self worth as an addiction, we do now! It really is a testament to the work of Universal Medicine that people can move on from addiction permanently and be at complete ease with themselves. This is unheard of in addiction circles.
Mary, you have really touched on something I can relate to here. It’s quite an ‘ouch’! The addiction to lack of self worth has kept me wanting and not wanting recognition all at the same time. How can I hide and yet be seen in those moments when I want to be seen? Being seen gives me a false sense of myself and not being seen supports my lack of self worth. It’s a ridiculous cycle.
I can see now how there is a difference between doing something only for recognition and doing it because there is a genuine purpose behind it that is not for one’s own personal gain but actually contributes to the overall quality of life on earth, even if it is in the smallest way.
This is a well concealed addiction that has many faces. As a drug addiction changes a person’s outlook on life, appearance and personality the above blog says that the addiction for recognition does the same.
The need to be recognised runs deep in nearly every human system ever devised. Including eduction, government and sport to name but a few.
Very true Luke, I have worked within Government organisations for the whole of my working life and it has always struck me why things don’t quite work or gel. Recently I have been feeling that even though there are great ideas and great intentions that should in theory work and make a difference to the community, the fact that most are there to serve themselves first, including being recognised for what one does, actually prevents us from truly working together for all.
I like what you have touched upon here Luke. Recognition is a lot more sinister in its disguise. As you say, it is easy to spot the external changes of someone with a drug addiction yet the internal damage taking place with recognition corrodes our sense of self. The honouring of our inner qualities are dismissed as not being enough as we strive for something more rather than being held in the all we already are.
Yep, totally agree. The seeking of recognition infiltrated my life from a very young age too. I realise that I have been a master of it right down to the finest detail of how I moved my body and the tone in my voice, the quality of my work and the way that I dress. Even seeking to be not noticed is part of seeking recognition because if I hide, I will be known for that and left alone. It is so insidious and so normalised which makes it by far, the most evil addiction of them all.
I played the role within my family and at school, of being dumb, stupid and not achieving any results in my study. I did this to dull down the bright amazing child I was, to avoid the jealousy of others. This became my way of being recognised and was an addiction to not achieve.
Thank you for your sharing Thomas. I too realised that the role I took on in my family was playing at being dumb, stupid and can’t do it on my own. I had not considered why, but after reading your comment, I can feel it was too dull down the bright, sweet, beautiful child I was so that I would not make others uncomfortable.
As I read your comments Thomas and jacmcfadden04, I found myself holding my breath and feeling some old tension in my body. To stop and be still to truly feel this has brought a letting go from deep within knowing I also dulled my light for the same reasons – “This became my way of being recognised and was an addiction to not achieve”.
Wow! an addiction ‘to not achieve’ is the complete opposite to achieving but with the same insidious results. There is much to ponder upon here.
That jealousy you’ve mentioned Thomas I can relate to, it’s like we become addicted to being recognised as anything other than the brightness that we are naturally. This is then fostered and considered to be ‘the way of life’. All because we are avoiding feeling another persons jealousy – their own fury for having before them a reflection of who they are being allowed out to shine. But how does becoming an addict ourselves heal anything? Being recognised for the person who lives in doubt, the ‘know-it-all’ and other things I have attached to in the past have not resulted in me feeling great at the end of the day, they’re just there to avoid triggering others into something that isn’t even them in the first place as we are all the same on the inside. Like other addictions I have had in the past it’s been a great way to numb myself and recognition has certainly been a great one to avoid feeling mine and the choices of others to not be who we truly are.
This has indeed been the driving force throughout my life… if I am honest… always wanting to be recognised for something, anything in fact. Such was the lack of appreciation for the unique qualities I bring and the confidence to express me naturally knowing I am enough.
I like your honesty merrileepettinato! Same here- my whole life was kind of lived to get recognition.. How exhausting that was..
Absolutely draining and huge lack of appreciation for our unique qualities merrileepettinato and steffihenn. I can relate to this as well, the need for recognition took a big part in my life and I agree it is very exhausting. Appreciating who I am and all that I bring is an important factor to let go of this addicton.