The Oxford dictionary definition of addiction is: “The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity, where ‘addicted’ means being physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance or activity.” When we think of addictions, we tend to consider things like drugs, alcohol, gambling, certain foods or sex. These are the most common addictions for which there are many groups to support people to break their addictive behaviours.
I always felt that I didn’t have any addictions and that sports and exercise were the only things I possibly may have been addicted to in my early twenties, because I needed it every day. If I missed my daily hit of exercise I would get grumpy, demanding and even controlling of situations. This obsessive behavior with exercise started when I was quite young and was mostly associated with playing competitive sports.
Throughout primary school, high school and even university, my competitiveness in sport was seen as healthy and not at all an addiction. It was considered to be helping me develop self confidence and to be beneficial for my studies as it would make me study harder to be better than others; also to feel good about myself when I got there.
In the last few years I have realized that being competitive was an addiction; it was unhealthy and it was harmful for my relationships with others as it affected my ability to be close, open and equal with others. I began to understand that there was something else underlying this competitiveness, which was another crippling addiction.
I say this was a crippling addiction now because it is not discussed in society. It is very hidden and therefore nobody ever suggested that it could be. In fact, I doubt that there are any support groups available for this type of addiction, but rather there are actually motivational groups available that feed this addiction without even realizing that they do.
You see in primary school and high school there is a lot of discussion about the harm of smoking, taking drugs, drinking too much alcohol and even having unsafe sex or random partners. We learn that these are things you don’t want to do, or get addicted to, and if you become addicted, you are often viewed as a failure by family, friends or society.
However, I would say the addiction I had was worse than a drug, gambling or alcohol addiction. I’m not suggesting that these are not terrible addictions; they can be, because they can ruin not only the person’s life and health, but break down family and work relationships, and destroy generations of families.
The addiction I am referring to is recognition; that is, being seen or identified for some particular characteristic, skill, ability or activity – in any way possible. This includes being a runner, a good speller, good looking, witty, rich, fantastic cook, favorite daughter or son, well dressed, or even a slow runner, terrible speller, ugly, stupid, poor, terrible cook or messy. The truth is that an addiction to ‘recognition’ can be for anything whatsoever, even being an alcoholic, drug addict or abusive partner.
The crippling nature of being addicted to recognition is not only the fact that there are so many things we can be recognized by, it’s that our whole life becomes an attempt to be seen, to be noticed, even to be categorised or put into a box as “the person who does this, or is like that.”
The need to be seen or recognized ruled my life, and I noticed there were people that I desperately needed to be seen by to fuel my need for recognition, such as my parents, a teacher, a popular person, my boss, or a leader of an organization or group, or anyone from the opposite sex.
The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.
We end up living much of our life identified with a certain character or persona to the point that we are no longer our real selves at all. Instead, we become what we have been recognized by, trying to fit into certain criteria or categories that we have allocated in our mind. We shape, transform or change ourselves like a chameleon lizard changing its colours to hide in different environments.
As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. We are saying to ourselves that we are not enough just being ourselves – that we need to be something else, or something more, to fit in.
I have started to expose any need for recognition by observing myself in certain situations, or with different people. I ask myself, do I change certain characteristics about me, the language I use, the tone in my voice, or the way I dress and what I am willing to do and say?
I discovered that I learnt to change myself from a very young age by watching others and seeing what made them happy or sad, and how I needed to be to fit in.
I learnt how to speak to certain adults, how I should sit at school, what to not talk about to avoid looking stupid, how to behave to make my parents happy, what clothes to wear to not get picked on, how to walk to not stand out and even how to eat, when to eat and what to eat, to fit in.
Understanding how much I have changed myself and where, I am now beginning to feel who I truly am. I can now discover and express me in full, how I want to dress, how I want to sit or walk, when and how I want to eat, what I really want to talk about and how I want to be in every part of my life, without the need to fit in and been seen or recognized by anyone else.
I see that it hurts me to change who I am to try and fit in or to make other people happy, which is impossible anyway, because they are mostly unhappy because they have not been themselves either, and are looking outside of themselves for any sign or comfort to feel better about themselves. So, in fact, by me being myself, I can inspire others to feel the answers are within and they too can let themselves out.
I am deeply appreciative of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for sharing what it truly means to be me… and how it’s possible to live in a way that allows this in full.
by Danielle Pirera, 34 Goonellabah Australia
Further Reading:
Addicted To Guitar – Michael Serafin
Overcoming my Horse Addiction
From Recognition to True Love – one student’s unfolding
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Well said Adele – the tiniest hint of the persona being in place to be acceptable to others or for recognition of the picture we are portraying is limiting us to live lesser and that is the quality of the reflection that we bring to others. The true quality of our presence is the game-changer.
Some addictions are easy to spot and others are almost hidden, ‘As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. We are saying to ourselves that we are not enough just being ourselves – that we need to be something else, or something more, to fit in.’
Competition is heralded in society as something healthy, something to be chased after, to be embraced, to without question be part of life. But I challenge that (and have since I was a child). Competition puts person agains person, team against team, town against town. There is a winner, and a loser, or often many losers. Competition is completely unnecessary as success in life is never just there for the one, it is there for all.
Understanding why we have adopted certain addictions can support us to heal. There are many forms of addiction but the energy they operate in is the same. Once we understand the root cause of our addiction(s) and are willing to address them and heal, the energy of addiction then dissipates and no longer has a hold on us.
Addiction can be very insidious and crippling, and comes in many guises, ‘The addiction I am referring to is recognition; that is, being seen or identified for some particular characteristic, skill, ability or activity – in any way possible. This includes being a runner, a good speller, good looking, witty, rich, fantastic cook,’ and the list goes on and on.
Yes, competition is everywhere. I was thinking about the way we drive our cars, always wanting to get ahead of another, or be the first off from the traffic lights. Then the road rage that spews out from small incidents whilst driving is quite shocking, yet it is something we have labelled and are now accustomed to, and even laugh off. This is just one aspect of how damaging competition is in our lives.
Exposing the need for recognition as the addiction it is truly explains what is underneath what we deem today to be the addictions people choose. For no matter how hard we try to be recognized and accepted in society, it very rarely actually transpires that we feel confident and accepted. Hence we look for something to take the edge of feeling alone. This is where our behaviors and addictions of choice become our crutch in life.
‘The addiction I am referring to is recognition; that is, being seen or identified for some particular characteristic, skill, ability or activity – in any way possible’. I totally agree with your previous paragraph Danielle where you say that this addiction is worse than alcohol and smoking etc. as it is the grand-dadddy of addictions which underlies these other addictions which come after it. If we weren’t out for recognition and not in competition with each other we would know and live in love . . . and then we would not need alcohol r smoking to numb us down from the pain of not living in this love.
What you describe here Danielle is so very important to bring to the fore, because, as you say it is actually something that is encouraged in this world and deemed normal. But this way of living will always keep us in separation to ourself and thus to others as we will always be missing ourself having to please the outside world with the many characters we play.
Life is so simple – everything comes from two sources. One is who we are at essence and contains love and one does not. The not love source has many flavours but they are loveless. Recognition is one such no love flavour as is competition, being good, being bad, angry, nice and thousands of others – they are all different aspects of us expressing who we are not.
Sometimes we even compete to say my not love is better or worse than your not love, but still it is not love!
I love what you are pointing out here Nicola, this is exactly what we have accepted life to be, a way of living where we compare ourselves how good or bad we are or have it, but we are all moving in the same bubble. A bubble where true love is not the marker but an interpretation of love that fits our own desires.
Thank you Danielle for exposing in full the ‘recognition’ addiction we have come to accept as normal in our society. Your own journey to let go of this addiction is inspiring to read about and reminds us of the power of love that supports us to drop any harming or damaging behaviours that hold us back from being our beautiful and true selves.
“As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. We are saying to ourselves that we are not enough just being ourselves – that we need to be something else, or something more, to fit in.” I so recognise this still within myself – but at least I am now aware of having this behaviour and seeing it for what it is. For years I allowed it to cripple me- if I didn’t get that acknowledgement or recognition. This addiction is not recognised in society at large today – yet how many of us are constantly trying to ‘fit in’ to a society that is actually not fit for purpose?
Recognition is so insidious as it underpins so many pursuits and is in fact actively championed by the world, so it never stops unless we can begin to see how much it hurts us as you’ve done here Danielle. For me it’s still something I am unpicking and in fact the more I do, the more real and honest I can be as me.
Both hands up here too for a lifetime of recognition addiction! What a great article in terms of pointing out to us that addiction runs far deeper than we know, and can play out in ways we would never suspect: in – as Danielle points out – activities and behaviours that far from fit the typical ‘addiction’ bill. Everything we do in life is worthy of examination and reflection… not only recognised problem areas.
Seeking something that we cant have sustainably and therefore need to constantly get from others isn’t a very wise way to live. i am so glad I have found that my true contentment in life is found within me, and when i focus on simply feeling me, and feeling what is going on within my body and mind, i don’t have to worry about whether others give me recognition or not- i fill up my own tank so to speak!
Yes we do find being recognised such a potent drug. i know i certainly enjoyed feeling the pleasure of it, and how it gave me enough of a ‘hit’ to last me until the effect wore off and i was busy on my next quest for recognition. I was never satisfied for long, but i kept seeking it regardless.
It is by far the saddest reality of our world that we grow up learning that to be seen, be recognized is the major player in why and how we live life, when it is actually the greatest destroyer, for it constantly tugs us away from the very true sensitive centre inside, that if consistently chosen, complete debunks recognition.
The thing is, we are already complete when we come into this world and there is a natural confidence by just being who we are. But the world is very much about that we have to become somebody, so we get taught from little that we do not know and need to be formed into something and with that the perpetual cycle of recognition is set lose to prove ourselves that we are worth something. Thank you Danielle to bring this to our awareness.
An addiction is simply the things we do in order not to feel the emptiness within ourselves as a result of not living in full appreciation of who we truly are and the many blessings we are constantly given.
Recognition gives us a name tag, it makes us someone, it is a filler for the emptiness in the absence of knowing and living who we truly are.
Wow Danielle. You remind me that this craving for recognition can never be satisfied and in the process we disconnect from who we are. Not a wise trade off.
‘As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are.’ The need to fit into society is always very strong yet it often means sacrificing who we really are. What if we were to remain true to ourselves and allow the rest of society to realise that we don’t need to fit in, that there is nothing better than being who we are.
‘I ask myself, do I change certain characteristics about me, the language I use, the tone in my voice, or the way I dress and what I am willing to do and say?’ This is brilliant and really simple to do, clock how we are with different people, have we changed to fit in? In my case I often do, fitting in and adapting myself to different settings was something I even prided myself in. There are so many interactions we have with others throughout the day, how many of those am I really me?
I love what you have exposed that in trying to be what we are not we are hurting ourselves whilst denying another the opportunity to realize there is another way to be. So many people do the chameleon thing to either feel comfortable in a situation or be seen in a certain light but the beauty in just being and expressing who you are far outweighs anything we believe we obtain when we are not.
“The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.” I have had this addiction for all of my life it would seem – for it only to be recognised once I became a student of Universal Medicine. Not accepting, loving and appreciating ourselves for who we truly are leads to the wanting recognition and affirmations from the outside world. When we feel true in our own skin this need can drop away.
Could recognition be THE addiction. The one that takes us to the point of choosing alcohol, drugs, sport, food or anything else we may use to be recognized, to belong?
The addition of seeking recognition is definitely one that is hardly ever discussed. I am so glad you are going there, exposing one of the most sinister additions we have in society. In the past year I have been recognising my addition to recognition and learning to let this go. I too never thought I was addicted to anything but now, I can put my hands up for being addicted to recognition, I wouldn’t have acknowledge this as an addition until I read your blog. Brilliant blog Danielle.
You are spot on Danielle but people are starting to get wise to it – the rise in poor mental health and even suicide is getting tough questions answered. I just hope we have the grace to talk about it directly so we can champion who we are above what we do and the recognition that brings.
It is so true, we don’t talk about this addiction to seeking recognition and yet it pervades so much of society. Anxiety is increasing in under 13’s at a confusing rate, confusing until perhaps we look at this aspect. Are children looking for approval and recognition because it has been their fuel for much of their early life? As the cuteness wears off and the supply starts drying up, the addiction needs to be fed somehow, hence the anxiety of needing to measure up and to stand out. I don’t know, but it seems like there could be a connection.
The crippling nature of recognition is a huge thing Danielle! It immediately means that we are out of true relationship with another, as it will mean that we will do anything to come out ‘seen’ and therefore this will damage our relationship to the ‘other’ and want to be better, more clever, more beautiful, instead of being ourselves and appreciating that and the wonders that the other brings . . . in equality. The recognition thing distorts how we relate to and value ourselves. As you say, ‘The crippling nature of being addicted to recognition is not only the fact that there are so many things we can be recognized by, it’s that our whole life becomes an attempt to be seen, to be noticed, even to be categorised or put into a box as “the person who does this, or is like that.”’
This is a great addiction to expose Danielle. Recognition has a huge hold on humanity precisely because we don’t even realise we have the addiction in the first place. Your blog powerfully breaks this down.
Recognition is definitely an insatiable addiction that shadows us all and I had never considered it in that way before. Great blog Danielle.
So true Danielle, this is an addiction of plague proportions, afflicting almost every one of us in varying degrees. Thanks for outlining the ways you’ve seen it playing out in your own life, I can relate to many of them.
Danielle you bring up some really great points in your blog, this one particularly jumped out at me ‘The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.’ How devastating is it to humanity to have built our whole society on recognition not only accepting that it is ok, but encouraging recognition as a whole. The world would be a very different place if we realised that recognition encourages individualism and separatism.
You make some excellent points Danielle. Recognition and the competition and comparison this perpetuates is what continually separates and divides us, leading us to believe that we are not equal and not here to work together for the same purpose.
Danielle, you have actually nailed why this addiction of ‘recognition’ is not recognised and spoken about because its dynamic is one that forms the very basis of the way we relate in our society – in competition and comparison: ‘I say this was a crippling addiction now because it is not discussed in society. It is very hidden and therefore nobody ever suggested that it could be. In fact, I doubt that there are any support groups available for this type of addiction, but rather there are actually motivational groups available that feed this addiction without even realizing that they do.’ At some level we do know it but have buried this awareness.
Love this Danielle – no more exhaustion, comparison or recognition in any form as we stop searching outside of ourselves for true answers and choose to re-connect with our bodies once more – the beginning of our path of return to our innate Divine Essence within. This reflection is an inspiration to others.
“So, in fact, by me being myself, I can inspire others to feel the answers are within and they too can let themselves out”.
This is an addiction that almost everyone has. I know this is a broad sweeping statement but the fact is if it were not true we would have brotherhood on earth rather individuals competing for attention, recognition and acceptance in every which way, desperately trying to hold on to their individuality. .
The addiction to recognition is so ingrained. I imagine that this addiction has hugely gone from my life but only an hour ago I felt the addictive pang of having been deprived of recognition for ‘doing a good job’ by someone snapping up the work that I am a part of and doing it! Good to see and acknowledge.
Danielle I can so relate to being addicted to recognition. I can go back and reflect on my life and it’s like for a lot of my choices it was about being recognised and accepted. I recall as a teenager dressing so way out, it was all about standing out, which I did. But the strange thing is that even though I got want I wanted it felt so uncomfortable, because what I wasn’t being was myself. I can see this now as I look back and the value here is that I can make new choices from now on.
We all know the major addiction like drugs and alcohol, but as you have mentioned there are also some very subtle addictions that are equally as addictive ‘In the last few years I have realized that being competitive was an addiction; it was unhealthy and it was harmful for my relationships with others as it affected my ability to be close, open and equal with others.’ I have also had a similar experience, under the illusion of being a team player, it was safe to be friends with the rest of the team because it was always on a superficial level.
Being identified with a certain persona or way of being is really a way that we choose to hold ourselves back, to hide our beauty and to try and hide the fact that we are from heaven. The more we claim our ability and responsibility to reflect heaven to earth the less likely we are to cover it up with a fake way of being.
Serge Benhayon presents three retreats a year and I was blessed to attend the first retreat in Vietnam this year. Even though not attending the other Retreats at Lennox Head (Australia) and in Frome (UK), I was well aware energetically in my body that there huge shifts in consciousness were (and are) happening. There is no getting away from the fact, that everything is energy and that it is felt all of the time, by everyone globally. Thankfully (although quite shocking as Danielle has written) this has further exposed the insidious nature of various subtle ways in which the need for recognition continues to play itself out – it is a very old addiction which constantly feeds the spirit to be doggedly hanging onto wanting to be in supremacy and individuality over love rather than embracing brotherhood in full. A consistent re-claiming and living from being a Son of God rather than a son of man, to enjoy and appreciate! Thank you Danielle, I am deeply inspired to go deeper.
Addiction itself is, as Danielle says, a much more insidious element in our lives then we could possibly imagine… I mean who would have imagined this ..” The same neural networks in the brain that regulate hunger for salt also control drug addiction, claims a study published this month that could have major implications for future treatment. “Salt appetite uses pathways that also have been taken advantage of by cocaine and opiate addiction,, or that music releases dopamine in the body that we get addicted to. Starting to free ourselves of the shackles of addiction is the true start to self love
It’s great to come back and read this blog and remind myself of the evils of recognition, and how easily it can creep into our life. In fact at this years Universal Medicine retreat I feel I only just touched the tip of the iceberg to how much we are totally identified with being an individual. It’s stubbornly hung onto by our spirit who wants to exist and have control here on earth, it wants to be seen and it wants to be the one living the ups and downs in life. I was shocked to feel how much this controls me on the inside, despite having written this blog and been aware about the need for recognition.
A powerful blog, unveiling the true evil that exists in the form of the pursuit of recognition. When you consider the need for recognition as a form of addiction, it’s easy to see how the scale of this is at epidemic proportions, representing the main driver in life for so many people, fuelled as it is by external images, ideals and beliefs and fervently sought in the vain hope that by achieving them we’ll feel better inside.
On re-reading Time, Space and all of us, Book 1-Time, at the end of page 350 – this sentence ‘leapt out from the page’ reminding me of this blog Danielle, exposing the trap of self recognition that is deeper than we may initially realise. Rather a large OUCH at how far we have gone from our true way of being – imprisoned by a consciousness which is designed to hold us lesser than we truly are until we choose to return to live by the impulse of our Soul.
Quote “Yes, it is the same here on our human plane of life, which was/is the creation of our etheric beingness where we know ourselves by our doings, actions, thoughts and creations; hence the penchant to create – good or bad the creation may be, it is always a form of self recognition”
This is brilliant thank you Stephanie for sharing this, because this goes to the very seed of exposing that we are not infact meant to be here at all, and the choice to live in physical form on this planet was always one of creation, away from who we truly are in recognition of this achievement. SO everything here is all about recondition and achievement of our creations, and the only way this can be broken is to connect to a deeper place knowing that we are much more than just our physical form and instead a multidimensional being who does not need anything at all from the outside.
I agree Danielle – re-reading blogs is often another amazing marker of how choices may have changed and the further changes this brings to our life. There is much to continue to appreciate in even the smallest change in anything and from this blog an awareness of further recognition and approval dropping away. Yes, as you say, it is “a forever unfoldment”
Yes Danielle, acceptance and true appreciation are key to our choosing to return to all that we are. The forever unfoldment continues!
It seems so simple when it is said like this, and in fact it is really simple and if it seems more complicated than this it is only our doing and a choice to resist accepting and appreciating the enormousness of who we are.
Reading back over old blogs is always a great way to appreciate how far we’ve come and accept how we are growing and unfolding daily. Reading this now I realize how much I have let go of the need for recognition, it’s no longer a high-light of my day or in my face like a neon light. There are still traces here and there, not so obvious but still impacting on my ability to truly be myself in all situations. It seems to be a forever unfoldment.
Wow Danielle a brilliant exposing the evils of recognition and how we have all played this game which has kept us stuck and further away from our true selves. Thankfully Universal Medicine supported me to address this constant need I had for recognition when in truth I was missing being connected to the true me.
It’s so true what you have so simply said Anna, that the evil of recognition is that we are seeking love and to know who we are in the totally wrong place that will never deliver it, so being stuck in the game of recognition is a guarantee to not find ourselves and how to live in a way that is true for us.
The fact that it’s seen as something normal that is actually championed and encouraged to develop suggests that it may time time before people are not only willing to bring change but are actually willing see what is truly at play and the harm in it.
Absolutely Danielle. Recognition is possibly the main fuel/energy that runs our society, since it is the bastardisation of true Love and the substitution for it – the very energy we are made of and crave most when we forget that. We drive up to the petrol pump in our Porsche, our Morris Minor, our Hyundai, our Holden and we say ‘Fill her up with recognition – must have my dose for the day’! We play a major role in breaking the consciousness of recognition and demonstrating humanity’s future.
Great to call this out about filling up cars with recognition at petrol stations Lyndy! A great remainder for tenderness and awareness with myself at the petrol pump and the quality in which I am filling up the car with – is it possible the miles per gallon may increase!
It is the most socially acceptable addiction out there, David. It is encouraged from the time we are old enough to interact with another person. A baby smiles at us and we give it praise. It starts that young. I’m not saying we should not smile at babies, their smiles and laughter are pure joy, but if we need a baby to smile at us to fulfil something that we feel is missing within us then we are showing that child that the only reason to smile is to make someone else feel good about themselves, and the praise we give them for making them feel better.
Absolutely agree with you all Fiona, annamccormack26 and Jane – the moment I am truly being myself and not worrying what anyone else thinks of me, or whether I am getting any attention or not I find more people approaching me and chatting with me or saying hi. I now understand that when someone is seeking recognition it is not an innocent thing, but can create great tension or complication in any situation, or results in manipulations and jealousy,
This is true – without the neediness of recognition, ‘life is so much more playful, light and fun’. I find the same Danielle, when just ‘being with me’ everyone around me smiles and comes over to express and share, shop assistants eyes light up when speaking with them – and so it magnifies.
Totally cool, awesome and plain new normal 🙂
The crazy thing in all of this is that being needy repels people from us, so we are left feeling rejected any way. Compared to meeting ourselves – then people magnetise to us, but we don’t even need it. It’s actually rather beautiful the way the truth can’t be hidden.
This is true Julie, the need for recognition and constantly looking outside of oneself (often in comparison) is a sure sign of a lack of self acceptance and self love. The steps forward are not necessarily to look the bad habit directly in the eye and try and stop it or tackle it, but instead to begin to self love and truly accept and enjoy who we are and where we are at.
Yes it’s truly that simple Jane – any time I see myself seeking recognition now I immediately say to myself ‘where am I, why am I not appreciating and celebrating me in every movement, so I don’t need to get it from anyone else” then I simply make that choice to act on this.
Beautifully and powerfully expressed Alison. I can totally relate to the truth of what you say here.
Danielle, you raise an important point here, how recognition keeps us away from being who we truly are, and how we learn this from a young age, if we were not rewarded for our recognition, we might stay true to who we are, it would also need all of us to reflect that there is a true way of living too.
You make a great point Sally – if we stop recognizing people when they are seeking it through what they do, how they look or what they say (etc. any behavior coming from a place of lack of self worth) then as a society we can begin to deal with the needs for recognition and acceptance. Instead we can meet them for the beautiful and whole person they already are and don’t engage with any behaviors that are coming from a need.
To not ‘engage with any behaviours that are coming from a need’. I feel that once we recognise those destructive, long held patterns in ourselves it then become very obvious when we feel this in another. Serge Benhayon/Universal Medicine, Esoteric Practitioners and fellow students have been such a great inspiration for paving the way forward in sharing that ‘recognition’ and ‘acceptance’ does not have to be a part of our living way any more. Loving all the comments and yes so revealing.
Yes I agree Marion the student body as well as the Universal Medicine practitioners have inspired a true way of being with each other, that is not laced with needs and manipulations to get recognition. Well to the best of our ability as it can take time to let go of these behaviours and at times will still creep in through a lack of self acceptance or self-love.
This is a great point Alex, if we were to truly understand what addictions were, meaning anything that one can choose to fill the gap from not being who we truly are then this will be life changing. People can instead begin to develop loving and evolutionary relationships with themselves and who they truly are and never again need anything from anyone else. Which means it’s then possible to live in a truly loving and honouring way, without changing oneself to fit in and get the recognition.
Another way of looking at a detoxification programme Alex. The need for recognition, approval and competition with another is highly toxic to our system – as we face these and deal with them, we are certainly on a major detox, cleansing out emotional stuff is cleansing and our bodies re-configure themselves
“while we cleanse ourselves we make space for that which we innately are but have buried with our addictions, to expand and express once again”.
This is so true Stephanie. Competition is so huge in society to the point that many are often doing it without realising and it’s actually very toxic. I know after 20 years of competitive sports it has taken me a long time to get the competition out of my language and ways of being.
Yes Danielle and Stephanie, moving out of the arena of competition and that whole way of being and relating is quite an ongoing project. We have even learnt to breathe that way! Complete harmlessness is definitely in our sights, yet to consistently Iive that way is a real
‘achievement’ of continually bringing love and awareness to everything, in our thoughts, speech and our movements..
It’s true Lyndy, we can even develop a competitive way of moving and breathing with the anxiety of needing to be better or more than another. Once the sensitivity of being connected to the gentle, open and non-judgemental self is connected to then this competitive movement and way of being feels like abuse, like a harshness grating against our skin or penetrating to shake our bones.its amazing that when being competitive we don’t even feel the hardness of it because it brings a disconnect to our body and naturally tender way.
Agreed Danielle – the joy to be celebrated for who we are rather than by what we do and how much we achieve would turn competition on its head and bring love and equal-ness to the fore…..and a quantum shift for humanity.
“…..bury the sadness of the fact of our equality and that we are all champions for who we are and not what we do. The fact we are all already amazing gets totally smashed by competition”.
Wow, thank you Lyndy – this short sentence brought me to a complete ‘stop’ with an awareness of the complications this has wrought throughout lifetimes to keep us caged in the illusion of separation, so far away from Love.
“We have even learnt to breathe that way!”
Our breath is the very foundation of every day human life and even this, we have polluted with competition and the need for recognition and approval. A very different quality from that we were originally ‘Breathed Forth’ from.
This revelation feels absolutely huge and my entire body is now feeling as if the whole of it is being breathed as one and infused with a deep quiet joy as particles are expanding throughout from head to toe. My body open and warm from deep inside.
A vastly different experience from mechanically breathing oxygen into the lungs.
Wow Stephanie! I can feel exactly what you are saying. Just by you expanding on what was said and sharing it has expanded me into a deeper and richer breath. The warmth is everything we have always wanted, what we searched high and low for in all those outer places. Thank you dear sister for your sharing.
This is so true Alison. When we do things to ‘help’ others but it’s underlying for ourselves then it’s actually not very helpful at all and can cause greater complication for the person, and as you have said it’s disempowers them to be able to do it for themselves.
I love this Rik ‘I am my own recognition’ and you’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s when we play less than who we are and don’t complete things in full responsibility of all of who we are that we feel less, because we are not recognising our power and moving and living in a way that honours this.
It’s so true Carolien, it can be difficult to see the depth of the games we play to seek recognition, I’m still peeling back the layers each day, to often be surprised what I see that I was totally unaware of.
If we don’t feel good enough within ourselves it’s also possible to seek to appear to be worse than others to be recognised as less. It’s an evil game that is not often called out or as obvious as the loud and noticeable person who is seeking recognition.
Good point Danielle. We can seek attention by holding back and holding ourselves as less than others. It is indeed a power game that often goes unnoticed.
The sad part is that making ourselves less and putting others above is is often seen or thought of as a polite or nice thing to do to make others feel better about themselves but it’s actually really harmful because it holds everyone in not being ourselves and in the power or enormousness of who we really are. So holding everyone in the game.
It’s interesting what we are discussing here, how much we leave who we truly are to fit in, under the belief that we will be totally rejected if we don’t. It’s so lovely to feel how it is possible to do what is true to us, and not try and fit in, and have a loving and joyful life, fr far more satisfying than when we try to be something we are not to fit in.
Absolutely Jenny, I agree, I remember kids at school knocking and pushing to be seen as the best, while others wanted nothing to do with sport and were forced to compete. Maybe in the future the forcing children to be competitive will be seen in a different light.
I agree Elizabeth, Alison and James with your comments – looking outside of ourselves instantly makes us lesser which compounds the lack of appreciation for who we truly are (a Son of God) and the inability to accept someone genuinely appreciating us. What an exhausting, endless merry-go-round this is until we catch the need for recognition and approval and make different choices to bring us back to ourselves in full.
It sure is exhausting Stephanie, the remedy, so to speak, is appreciating ourselves and all the amazingness that we are and bring. When we appreciate ourselves we are then no longer at at the mercy of waiting for a compliment or acceptance from others, as we have already accepted ourselves so then anything else is merely a confirmation that we already know and have already accepted.
Yes I agree Kosta, it’s the emptiness of the mind and lack of love within that sends us out looking for it. When all along if we stop and go within we will find that love is there and waiting.
Yes it’s true Marion, we all carry sneaky little acts of recognition many that we are totally unaware of. It influences our relationships and how we express in all that we do, so well worth beginning to be open to see them.
So true Danielle. It is so interesting to catch oneself in the recognition game and realise’ oh you’re still there!’ It’s chronic!
Wow there’s always more. Reading through the comments I’m really understanding that choosing a need for recognition is just a way to hide who we really are, and avoid the responsibility we have to be this. It’s all a game.
Yes Danielle – all these amazing blogs and comments are going deeper and revealing more of this insidious game that we are players in until the moment we choose to ‘wake up’ and get a glimmer of this illusion. Serge Benhayon’s presentations have made this possible.
You are spot on Stephanie, Universal Medicine and its founder Serge Benhayon are the only organization I know who are truthfully digging up the seeds of the false foundations we have been choosing to live from. The fact of removing ill foundations is easily seen by the life changing choices and total revamping of behaviors that hundreds of not thousands of people are now lliving!
I can relate Shirley-Ann, when we have been seeing something happen a certain we for so long it’s hard to consider that it will change. This fear is only a delay though and will often result in us throwing away the activity all together, out of fear we will go back into old ways. I say out with the old, but we can’t forget in with the new, which was actually already there imposing us to see the old….
I agree Shirley-Ann, it’s completely life changing to let go of the need to manipulate ourselves into various ways of being to be seen or be recognised. We will be so less drained from trying to be something we are not.
For me too Stephanie, when held in love and true care it is quite remarkable to feel how the body begins to unravel itself from the ‘pretzel-shape’ its been in without it.
This is the key ‘to hold our body in love and true care’. When we truly surrender and only allow choices that can maintain the surrender this is when we can let go of any outside driving forces for recognition and acceptance. Because they feel so abrupt, hard and harsh in our surrendered body.
A beautiful sentence to sit with and deeply feel the spaciousness it offers Giselle and Danielle – ‘to hold our body in love and true care’.
Once we get ourselves out of the way (thinking mind) the body is so amazing with simply doing what it does best – returning to a harmonious way when we bring to it appreciation and respect.
This is so true Stephanie, our body is designed to be harmonious so if we get the mental activity out of the way it’s all very easy and our body does the rest.
Danielle thank you for sharing your discoveries of how it is we learn to bend and shape ourselves to be who we think we need to be as we’re growing up. When we take an honest look at why it is we do the things we do, as you have done, we give ourselves the opportunity to see that which is true and all that is not, and can start to get back to who being – who we truly are.
That’s a great description Giselle of bending and shaping like we put ourselves into the most awkward and horrible positions all to fit in and make people happy to feel better about ourselves. At the end of the day our body aches and pains and is exhausted from trying to hold ourselves in such horrible postures, positions and situations.
Absurd it is Danielle, the thought of contorting ourselves away from living in our natural free lightness of being, yet we all know it well, why? Have we forgotten the simplicity of joy that is – moving in presence?
Great point Giselle, I feel it has something to do with walking around as a child expanded and tall with no contortions and seeing that everyone else is bent and contorted and bit by bit we start to consider that there is something wrong with us for being different, so we join in. Rather crazy but so awesome to be seeing, so we know when being expanded and tall this is natural and the contortion is different.
I agree Danielle and Giselle. This bending and shaping myself to fit any situation was what I have always referred to as the ‘Pretzel-shape syndrome”. Our whole body shape carries configures to the emotions we are not dealing with – from victim to bully roles and everything in between. It is amazing how the body can re-align itself as past-hurt-imprints are released from the body – something that happens every time I attend presentations by Serge Benhayon, all sorts of things begin to ‘unravel’ and heal.
So very beautifully expressed Stephanie Stevenson that our pretzel can straighten up by truly healing past hurts that get held in our body and that Universal Medicine and the Esoteric Healing modalities are a way to truly do this. This is why so many hundreds of people have been able to completely change their lives for the good with the support of Universal Medicine, as it’s not just attempting to change the pretzel to something different, it’s actually undoing it for good!
You’re right Vanessa the complicated lives that we see teens living, totally out of control with alcohol and drugs should have been a warning sign many many years ago that somethings not quite right, why are so many teens trying to escape life, what is it they are trying to check out from. However unfortunately the leaders in the communities are not seeing or asking this, because they too are living lives of escape and comfort to dull the fact that they in truth miss who they really are, miss brotherhood and community and miss not having to compete to be the top dog, or strive for recognition and acceptance.
Wow, another revolutionary blog here, thank you Danielle, for exposing this worst addiction and root-cause of all other addictions so precise and consequent. The whole society with every educational system, counts as the “actually motivational group” to support competition. This is true evil, as you have stated here, an addiction, that isn’t commonly identified as such and on the contrary, becoming the best, most beautiful etc. counts as one of the biggest boxes to be ticked in society. Awesome, how you have highlighted the connection of this contortion here. And it is interesting to ponder about how the self-help groups of the future, for quitting competition and get rid of being addicted to recognition could be look like. How this will be a new school subject – or even better the basics for every learning lesson in any educational system at all, and how e.g. designers will support people with it or how new games will be devised to support not to be a winner through being better, but a winner because everyone is winning. And so on. I am avid from the connection, you have exposed and pointed out here and named it as it is!
Stefanie I love your ponderings here, of how ‘support groups or educations systems’ will be in the undoing of our needs for recognition. For me the greatest shift and power has been in identifying all of the nooks and cranny’s of where I actually do this. It has been almost impossible to stop doing it, if we don’t even really know where and how much we are truly doing it. So I feel the way forward for any support group would all be about nomination, and calling each other out also, in a loving yet very supportive way, this would be a very powerful way forward for all of humanity.
I too used sport for recognition but had never considered it was an easy way out because we didn’t need to express and could just get on with what we were doing. It’s actually more insidious in many ways because we can tell ourselves we are just playing sport because we love sport so so much, when in truth we didn’t love the sport at all, we loved or was addicted to the recognition we got for doing it. I’ve also seen that I only chose to do sport as a way to not feel the fact that I was not connecting to the wise and powerful young girl and women that I knew myself to be.
The Addiction Nobody Discusses.” I love your title Danielle, for me it says it all, recognition! Being a shy child my way to received recognition was to be good at sport, because in this way I did not have to express myself verbally but just by doing, what an addiction I set up as a way of being recognized and praised without being aware of what I was actually doing to myself.
Yes Mary, I agree, great blog title. The need for recognition leads us down many dark alleyways where there are many options awaiting us that offer us nothing but pain in the end. Imploding rather than evolving or involution rather than evolution.
“The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it” – so true. Seeking recognition is indeed addictive for we take that as a substitute for love – but what if more and more people are able to feel and truly meet another in confirmation of their true essence?
Imagine if the need for recognition was totally taken away for just one day and replaced with confirming each other in our true essence. The whole world would completely change, because if we think about it EVERYTHING is run on people needing to be recognised. We have recognitions onto recognitions like a domino effect from how we live at home with family, how we are at work, why we work, why we play sport, why we attend a party, how we are at a party, why we eat, how we dress and so on and so on. It’s an epidemic and so yes it is truly amazing for people to be breaking this cycle.
Your awesome blog Danielle came right in time to me! I am re-discovering that being harmonious is not a bad thing but my old ideals and believes around harmony get me very easily – these ideals and beliefs are not my own as I learned them and internalise them,as all people around me showed my that harmony is something wishy washy and not something concrete I can use in life. As you so beautifully describe Danielle: “As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are.” That is what I did as well and now I am on my way to embrace and to love it again that I am a deeply harmonious person.
I’ve been amazed at the things I’ve been attached to being recognized for. Recently I saw how much I wanted people to accept and recognize when I deliver a divine or wise expression. I wanted people to see that sometimes what I share is out of this world and in fact exactly what this world needs. In fact I’ve wanted the world to see that I’m a son of God and when they didn’t I couldn’t understand why or would be upset or angry and completely withdraw or shut down my spark. I see how much the need to be recognized means we hold the world to ransom, refusing to bring out all until sometime sees it first. Crazy!
Crazy and totally exhausting too Danielle. Holding the world to ransom was something I did well for years, I just had no real understanding of what I was doing at the time. Serge Benhayon’s presentations have inspired me to look deeper and let go of this (work in joyful progress!)
I love your honesty here Stephanie, to say you had no real understanding of what you were doing at the time. This is so true we are so deep in it that we think that this is just how life is meant to be. In fact I would say 99% of humanity are playing this game on one level, without even realising and with accepting it as normal. This is why these blogs and comments from people seeing something different are truly miracles, and what Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine is sharing is offering a totally new way forth, a way that nobody else is bringing and that one day will go down in history as life and world changing events.
I agree wholeheartedly here Danielle regarding the blogs and comments – we are uncovering and exposing all the stuff that has kept up ‘in the dark’ for aeons and there is most certainly another way we are all prepared to make our own – and what “Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine is sharing is offering a totally new way forth, a way that nobody else is bringing and that one day will go down in history as life and world changing events”.
It takes great courage to be willing to look at the bottom of the barrel and see everything WE have chosen to not be who we truly are. So hats off to everyone here on these comments who’s willing to go there, into the dark, damp, cold barrel of ill choices to not be who we truly are in the name of ‘self’ to be seen or recognised.
Danielle I would not have considered the behaviours you have described would have been called addictions to recognition. I can clearly see that this is the case now and I intend to take note of my own behaviour, and change what I need to! Thank you.
I know Roslyn it’s actually a mind blowing moment to realise that something such as having low self worth, lacking confidence, being sad or even being lonely are just all behaviours or characteristics that we create to have something to identify with or get recognition for. It’s actually incomprehensible for many, including at times myself if I am deeply stuck in any negative thoughts it’s like we feel like we can’t get out – which is really digging our heels in and saying we don’t want to let go of the behaviour and the identification – ouch. I’ve found the only way I’ve been able to change the behaviours or the need to identify with anything that I am not is to begin to love myself, to connect to my being and feel the absolute preciousness and power of this. The more this expands and grows the less I need anything else to try and fill the void of not being connected to my being.
Thanks Danielle, what an awesome sharing and so true, you have really opened up a can of worms here. I for one can think of some hideous behaviours that I performed all to not be recognised i.e. ski bum hiding in the shadows. But this too as you have shared, was on another level just me seeking recognition and a classification.
Yes it’s totally crazy the ‘boxes’ we have put ourselves in as a form of identification. Commonly the result is to reach a point where we are utterly frustrated at how life is, how we have been treated and how society expects us to be a certain way. This point can commonly be reached in the mid 20’s in what I call a quarter life crisis or around our 40’s or 50’s and society calls it a mid life crisis. I don’t know why they’ve never looked at this further and seen that the unsettlement is really a deep down fury that we have 100% completely created the life we have ‘found ourselves in’ ourselves, we can’t even blame our parents.
I agree Danielle, it is very crazy and it makes us unnatural/unsecure/needy, which is not needed and not natural again. Me too, I am reflecting on my own behavior and feeling everytime what makes me behave in that certain way.. I ask myself: Is the way I behave now protecting me from feeling hurt? Why am I overeating? Is there something I do not want to feel?.. These questions actually help me to stop , feel and let go of things that are not naturally me.. SO once I see them it is easier to let them go then to continue them. Danielle, lets continue to knock out this behavior that does not truly serve us! Best advise I can give to the world!:) And Enjoy it too!
I’ve also just realised that it’s not just a head game of thinking about these things, but the addiction game, and playing less is actually a way of moving in our body. We can be aware of any movement that is not in our natural way, with gentleness, adoration and appreciation of the loveliness that we are, and choose to come back. By coming back to our natural movements our body won’t be able to wonder off and choose the addictive behaviour of playing less and needing to identify with anything outside of itself.
Thanks for starting this discussion that nobody discusses.
The playing less game is the most perplexing, we think that it is ok to play this game, that it is the better way to promote ourselves, and that we easily get away with it because no one wants us to be more. It couldn’t be further from the truth of how we need to be with ourselves.
Thank you Danna, Danielle and Lisa – ‘playing lesser’ brings another angle to consider.
This is another ‘WOW’ stop-me-in-my-tracks powerful short sentence from you Danielle –
“the addiction game, and playing less is actually a way of moving in our body”.
This sentence brought me to a stop and a moment of deep knowing from being aware of the configuration in the body with playing less (and various other imprints) and the way movement is in contraction through this. It feels like having several different distorted shapes binding the body which only bring more attachment to the denseness of the physical, rather than the freedom of true movement and the natural flow of energy within.
In writing this, I can feel my body has already begun to re-configure in a subtle but profound way – a dropping away of hardness and protection, tiny movements as muscles let go, the spine straighter, arms longer, legs relaxing and a sense of lightheartedness, delicateness, joy and spaciousness within my body, now flooded with warmth. Simply being still observing this change is amazing and yet so ordinary at the same time. There is more understanding and a deeper knowing from this experience of how everything is magnified in the body in the way that we move and the quality we choose to move with.
‘The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it. ‘, it is so true Danielle, as I read your blog I can feel how insidious it is within our society, how peoples behavior is governed by it and their comments to each other promote it.
“The addiction I am referring to is recognition; that is, being seen or identified for some particular characteristic, skill, ability or activity”
Acknowledgement, identification and recognition are such insidious addictions, as you have clearly highlighted in your blog Danielle. It is a sad fact that society is built on these along side the competition that feeds them.
Yes I agree Shirl it is deeply saddening that all of society is built on a need for recognition. It’s not the recognition that is sad, it’s the knowing that if life is built on this then there must be a void, an emptiness and a lovelessness that is underlying it. Because this is what the recognition is trying to fill. It can be very overwhelming to consider and feel that majority of humanity are walking, breathing, speaking, eating and living everything in life from a deep down feeling of emptiness. It’s actually totally ridiculous because deep down we are all full beyond the brim and completely overflowing with love so much so that it’s overflowing to share with everyone. How did we come to think or even make up that we are empty….
I love how you say that addiction is held heavy with the body, as this is exactly what it feels like. We can go straight into it on auto pilot and not even realise it’s going on until it’s too late. I’ve been considering if it’s locked in the body how do we get it out. So far I realise that the more I am accepting and appreciating myself in full, and moving in a way that honours this then the more the addictive ways of being are and auto pilot is beginning to slow down to the point where I can start to see the choices to be this way, either just before it happens and choose different, or as it happens to be able to stop it, or become clearer on where the lack of self acceptance was.
I have been going through a similar thing. It is like the addictive behaviours are movements. I will go to do something that I always do, go to the fridge, or cupboard or something like that. But the more I take care of myself, listen to my body, allow subtle changes in my diet and lifestyle, the more I will do the movement, get to what I would ‘always do’ and find myself there thinking, I don’t actually want to do that right now. It is like the call from the body to engage with the behaviours dissipates.
This is revolutionary – the addictive Behaviour is a movement that is locked into our body. So naturally the more gentle and loving we are with ourselves including in our movements this will unlock it out of our body. Love it – showing the power of movement!
Wow – a powerful and simple confirmation of how we are locked into ideal, beliefs and attitudes by the quality of our movement. Thank you Lisa and Danielle.
“the addictive Behaviour is a movement that is locked into our body. So naturally the more gentle and loving we are with ourselves including in our movements this will unlock it out of our body”.
Yes this is super powerful Stephaine. Imagine if we were told this when we were young or at any addiction support group. It makes sense why an addiction can be so difficult to stop, by just trying to stop it cold turkey, because the body is always going to want to go straight back into it. This is explains why we will often change one addiction for another, because we deep down feel that our movements need to change, and instead of coming back to ourselves and our true and natural gentle and tender movement, we create a new movement, or new behaviour to mask the old.
It also shows us that the choice is always there, supporting and offering us another way.
“The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.” unfortunately this is very true as we don’t grow up being confirmed for who we are and what we got so it is easier to be identified with what we don’t have and what we are not and there we get caught up in the vicious cycle of growing up looking for recognition in life.
Francisco it’s great to touch on this “that we grow up being confirmed for what we don’t have”, by our parents, teachers and eventually by our friends. We grow up in a world where not only are people not seeing us, but they are seeing who we are not, and what we don’t have. So it’s easy to grow up feeling we are not enough, but even giving into these feelings is all apart of the game, and we are the one’s empowered to break the cycle, by claiming we are everything that we ever needed before we lift a finger, say a word or complete a task.
It’s so true David, the corporate world is set up on the need to be recognised, it’s very rarely truly about caring for or serving people. So my feeling is it’s more often than not rather empty and loveless and all about profit and being seen as a way to not feel the emptiness and lovelessness.
Wow Danielle this blows so much out of the water so to speak. Recognition as an addiction that the whole world lives on and I can see how I have lived on it. It feeds a need and when it isn’t there the craving for more certainly is. Yet it brings nothing of true worth to anyone.
jy36 what you say feels spot on, the whole world lives on an addiction to recognition. I’ve recently realised that I’ve even ‘gotten off’ on being recognised for being addicted for recognition. Like being totally identified as the person who is has a ‘need for recognition’. The truth is that I don’t even have an addiction to recognition, it’s just a behaviour I have chosen to do over and over again as a way to not truly be myself – wow!.
You bring up a great point here Danielle, what is an addiction? it appears to be a pattern of chosen behaviours, a repeated cycle, so at each cycle we have the opportunity to change the choice.
Absolutely Lisa we are one choice away of choosing an addictive behaviour or not. It can seem difficult to stop making a specific choice though because of the momentum of having made that exact choice over and over again. So it can feel like there’s a steam train trying to force us to make the same choice we always have. But the train is not stronger than our will!
‘But the train is not stronger than our will!’, Great… of course it is not…so what is our Will? ‘Thy will, not mine be done’, our connection to the fiery spark that lives within.
So true cjames2012, can we let go of the need for love in the forms of recognition, approval and acceptance by addressing our old hurts and rejections and know that we are enough by developing self-love and self-acceptance.
It would be a different culture in organisations if people were appreciated for the quality that they brought to work and how harmonious they worked with colleagues and clients. We tend instead to recognise others for their achievements and what they produce which immediately sets us competition and comparison and the never ending seeking for recognition.
Indeed we instantly stand out when we live in connection to our inner hearts and stop seeking validation and recognition from outside of ourselves.
The addiction to recognition you describe Danielle is so insidious, because it has come to seem like a ‘natural’ part of human life. Yet everything we do and our health is showing us this is not true. It’s very inspiring to read how you have developed a way of being free from being laced by this need. Like this blog, this addiction is a topic that asks us to go to a much deeper level of honesty.
I agree Joseph, the fact that being addicted to recognition goes unnoticed, unseen and accepted in our society suggests that there is very little to no honesty to the fact that this is even an issue in society. It feels that it will take time for this honesty to come out, because it’s in the leaders at the top, and if they are not wanting to be honest about it then they are not going to encourage this of there staff, their students, their co-workers etc.
Joseph absolutely competition and recognition and celebrated forms of addiction. Yet that does not alter the fact they are addictions and the damage the cause. I’ve never seen any support groups talking about an addiction to recognition before – although if there were I suspect most of humanity would be eligible to join. Danielle’s story is a great reflection of whats possible and the fact that what is “natural” may actually be anything but.
An interesting comment Mathew. So what you are saying is that you get recognition from not seeking recognition. It sure sounds crazy but I feel it’s true.
Yes, I agree Alex the world would be a very different place to live in if individuality was not the ruling way. The study on the “Roseto” effect 1955-1965 highlights how people’s health was practically un-compromised whilst living as true community and went into decline when this model was not lived some years later.
“a society that defines itself by community and living in togetherness instead of single individuals, self-centered, trying to figure out a basic consensus on how to live with each other as reflected basically everywhere today”.
Well said cjames2012. Self-love and love is the medicine.
Well said, Jane, recognition is nothing else than a gap filler. It`s there to fill big gaps of emptiness within us and we start learning how to do it already in our early childhood. We have hardly a chance to escape this game which is actually really sad.
Wow Danielle I love this blog. After reading this it feels to me that the “recognition hook” is everywhere !
The ways in which we seek recognition can be so sneaky. I still can find myself doing it in the way I dress, maybe by what I cook if I have guests, or by what I say or do…the list is endless, and all because of feeling a lack of self worth. But as I become more and more aware of this the need for recogntion lessens, and I can feel so much more at ease with who I am in situations where before I would have longed for some sort of praise or applaud.
Absolutely Sandra, look for recognition was one way in which I tried to survive the dramas of life, the other was the exact opposite where I would try to hide. Thanks to the simple presentations of Serge Benhayon my life has never felt so alive, with not a hint of recognition or hiding.
It’s a miracle that there are so many people sharing here like you gregbarnes888 that not only have they seen that they use seeking recognition to cope with life, but that they have actually been able to change it. There’s many people not willing to be honest about these behaviours let alone willing to deal with it. So what Universal Medicine are inspiring are people changing life time behaviours, some people after 50 years of living a certain way, dropping it completely and blossoming in all of their beauty of who they really are. Truly amazing.
This puts another perspective on the children’s game of ‘hide and seek’ – perhaps it is not as innocent as it appears – I have seen children going to extraordinary lengths to conceal themselves and then being really upset when found and others desperately wanting to be found and giving continual clues in order to be seen in their ‘hiding place’. Is it possible there are elements of recognition and control already being seeded through this game?
It’s possible Stephanie, we are all playing the game of hide and seek until we truly embrace and accept the love that we are and bring it out into the world. We only need to walk down a busy street or sit on public transport to see the majority of people hiding behind their eyes, either avoiding eye contact all together, or only holding it momentarily. The more content we are within ourselves, not needing a thing from others the more we are able to let ourselves out, without the need for anything back, and therefore no fear of being hurt.
Yes, I agree Danielle, the lack of true communication between many people is very evident out on the street etc. Once we are re-connected within ourselves we are then able to connect with others through our eyes from the inner heart, and allow others to be see us in full. This also changes our whole body posture, which re-configures itself to let go of old imprints held there when in disconnection from our Divine Essence. There is no need to hide, hold back or be fearful of being hurt any longer, simply to enjoy being all that we are, for others to feel the reflection of this without needing any recognition or approval from them. The game of hide and seek is definitely over since attending Serge Benhayon’s presentations.
“we are all playing the game of hide and seek until we truly embrace and accept the love that we are and bring it out into the world”.
You’ve made a great point here Sandra, that the recognition only comes when we are longing to feel at ease with who we are, which is longing to have a true relationship with ourselves. Having a relationship with myself, knowing who I am, knowing how to live from and honour this was totally foreign to me when Universal Medicine first mentioned this. In fact I spent years trying to understand what this meant in the way I live on a daily basis. These days I am now deeply feeling what this is and feeling that I do actually easily know how to live like this, it’s very natural and innately in me to live like this. The only reason it seems hard is because we’ve got all of these other outside behaviours that are false and fake that we’ve taken on, that we need to identify and let go, to reveal the pearl beneath.
Beautifully said Danielle. I love using the analogy of the oyster, the rock hard outershell being the layers of protection that we build up to supposedly protect and to hide that beautiful pearl of our true self which holds infinite divine wisdom in the centre which remains the same despite the number of layers surrounding it.
Thank you Sandra and Danielle, my feeling is that this is so well expressed, it’s a pearl-a.
Recognition is a monster with an insatiable appetite. It always feels empty and demands constant feeding. Its diet is indiscriminate, willing to consume almost anything and go to almost any length to get to it. Self preservation and self-satisfaction is it only concern. We cannot afford to allow it even a crumb, If we don’t feed the monster it will die, leaving us the opportunity to rediscover the beauty and harmony of the life we knew before the monster reared its ugly head.
Well said Barbara Ross. Your comment brought me to a complete stop. Yes, indeed “Recognition is a monster with an insatiable appetite”.
A monster that is totally out of control because it is not even recognised and this is so detrimental to true health and well-being. I am off to ponder upon the trail of crumbs in my own life that are still feeding this monster.
So true Matt – we do recognise it because we all know it at some level.
Danielle thank you for explaining so well the addiction to sport because of the craving for recognition due to the lack of self-worth. As well as this what also fuels this addiction is the body’s release of adrenalin and endorphins creating an euphoric state, to which one then becomes addicted. So not only does one become addicted to the mental and emotional addiction but there is also chemical addiction, as like any drug, in the form of adrenalin. As it is produced by one’s own body it is not necessarly perceived as a drug addiction but it is highly addictive and extremely harming as it leads to adrenal exhaustion.
Thanks sueq2012 I only realised it was an addiction when I tried to start addressing it. I was genuinely identifying where and how I did it and had the option to choose something different, but I found myself on many occasions not wanting to choose something different, because I was so in need of that rush or feeling of content that comes with being seen or recognised, for anything. At this point I then realised that I would not be able to just stop my need for recognition, without first recognising and loving myself, therefore no longer seeking the fill from someone else.
I found the same sueq2012 and Danielle, there is a such pride in being recognised and being seen and accepted. It is like a constant drive for people to say yes we love you, but really all we get is yes you are doing a good job and we substitute that for meaning love. Something I have found is that I have to first truly love myself to then be able to accept love from others, otherwise when it comes I would brush it off. Now it is a confirmation, so yes it is lovely to feel loved and held by another but it is not something I go out seeking or needing anymore.
I love what you share Lee Green that recognition is laced deeply within us and used as a fuel to get us through the day. More and more I am seeing how there are traces of it in my conversation, my actions and even the way I dress myself. Often I will see myself or others deep in conversation in a group not even realising that what is being shared is all about self, even if the topic is about something completely different (not self), but it’s being said in a way that says “look at me”. The only way I’ve found to stop this behaviour is to try start loving myself, which has been inspired by Universal Medicine and all that they share of what truly loving ourselves actually means. So far I have never seen any other organisation world wide that is truly sharing this in the same way that Universal Medicine is.
Gosh it is insidious Danielle Pirera – I was on a meeting just to day and could feel how everything I presented I wanted instant feedback on – it didn’t matter if it was great or not – the point being that I needed someone to say my name and any other words. I had not clocked this so clearly until now and am appreciating the level of awareness I have for myself.
This is awesome Lee that you are seeing this. For me in meetings I notice how much I talk, and don’t allow space to feel basically as a way to bee seen, oh my!
This is so true Jane, I’ve never looked at it like this. The so called ‘fill’ that comes from recognition is only momentary, and then the emptiness of not loving and appreciating ourselves bubbles back up almost immediately, sending us on a hunt for our next ‘hit’.
Thank you Danielle, for opening up a topic that is so easily swept under the carpet. To understand how we are so caught up and can easily say “I always felt that I didn’t have any addictions,” and then say “this was a crippling addiction now because it is not discussed in society”, an understanding of what addiction is must first be reached.
I highly recommend the College of Universal Medicine online course (see link below) to anyone. It is very much needed in today’s society with simple practical ways to live in a world full of nervous tension, stress and anxiety, all of which come to be addictive. Understanding Anxiety in Men
http://study.coum.org/enrol/index.php?id=14
I’ve just completed the online course about anxiety and have a greater awareness that anxiety is caused by not being who we truly are, and instead focused on things around us, such as seeking recognition and identification. The more we focus on the outside behaviours and seeking recognition the greater the potential for anxiety. Clearly the key is to develop and further the relationship with our true selves and begin to live from here, with full acceptance and appreciation for our selves, never needing it from another.
That is so clearly expressed Danielle! Anxiousness is healed through being consciously present in the body and not separating to ‘go out’ and identify with ideals, concepts, goals fabricated from outside us. Appreciation in our presence is so beautiful, so fulfilling!
Thank you Danielle, I agree, seeking recognition is a great way to not be connected to the natural love we are. Love is the true self and is all we need to be, so why would it look at being better, or being recognised when love feels and knows we are all equal.
Absolutely Lyndy and gregbarnes888 it’s actually a life changing moment to realise that our greatest responsibility or number one job in life is to develop a relationship with ourselves as the love that we are, in all it’s fullness and glory. As you say Lyndy, to choose to be present with this, which is allowing ourselves to feel the power of our love and glory in every moment, and not check out from it. I wish someone had of sat me down as a 4 year old and said “do you know what, it doesn’t matter what you do, how well you do anything at all, or what you look like or what you sound like or what you say, at the end of the day all that matters is that you know how deeply Divine and gorgeous you are and what this feels like to live from this and accept it and celebrate it in full, forget about everything else”.
Could you share the details of the online course about anxiety you mention here Danielle?
Sure it’s ran by College of Universal Medicine at http://www.coum.org under courses. Very inspiring and life changing course.
Recognition can come in so many guises. The most recognition I received at school was around mathematics – I struggled with some concepts and received a lot of attention from one of the teachers, so was rewarded for struggling more so than for the subjects I loved and was self sufficient in. I see now this was a clever strategy because I was in a class of high achievers and had little hope of being the ‘best’ in the class. But ‘playing small’ is just as poisonous for the body as striving for positive recognition – and also involves watching others and working out how to fit in. It is far simpler to just be myself, though it does not always feel easy, and requires a commitment to stay with myself through moments of discomfort.
Great point hartanne60 Recognition does not have to come in the form of success or doing well but can be equally be achieved through struggle, ill health, failure and so much more. This is where it gets really tricky to be able to see this through these avenues as society only acknowledges recognition through success and doing well.
Agreed Penny Scheenhouwer – recognition “through struggle, ill health, failure and so much more” is equally damaging as through being successful, but woe-is-me-victim-consciousness far more insidious as it is accepted and seen and misinterpreted as a ‘normal’ part of life being so difficult and challenging.
Absolutely Stephanie and Penelope. Getting recognition and identity through struggling with life or being a victim to it, is such an insidious stance to take, because we don’t realise the harm of it, and it is, as you say Stephanie, thought to be ‘normal.’ The identification with this role works both ways – we get recognition from people’s sympathy and we also get recognition through their rejection or cutting us out. Recognition is the name of the game no matter how painful it is to play it. Self-responsibility has gone out the window . . . and consequently so does healing and joy.
Oh yes hartanne60, I recognise this one both in myself and others. You can get lots of recognition for playing the fool/or less especially when you’ve assessed you are not going to make it with ‘the best’. Which none of that is true at all but it plays out for sure.
I have found this addiction to being ‘recognised for one thing or other very disempowering although I was at times convinced that seeking the recognition was a way of empowering myself. It took me a while to see the illusion of it as below:
• Since I started with “I am not good enough” and that “I needed something to remedy that”, the more I tried for recognition the more normal this way of berating myself became
• If what I was trying to be recognised for was not appreciated, or worse rejected, I was crushed because it confirmed that I was really not good enough
• Even when I was praised for it, I was at a loss. I now felt trapped in having to keep up appearances because this was obviously why I had been accepted!
• In effect I felt more separate to others because I knew they had not seen the real me so I did not feel they knew the real me.
• I felt more empty and alone than before.
• I was even more desperate for recognition!
It has been a blessing to come across Serge Benhayon that does not play this game one iota. He just sees you for who you are deep within and none of the games and superficial stories seem to make a difference. After a while I finally started to see myself as he was seeing me. I started to realise that there is so much love, wisdom and power already available deep within me – and within us all – unquestionably. And if I cannot feel, access or accept this, then the way forward for me is to clarify and heal the issues that I am holding on to which have resulted in this. Everything we have ever deeply wanted is within us! That is quite a revelation.
Awesome Golnaz, “In effect I felt more separate to others because I knew they had not seen the real me so I did not feel they knew the real me. I felt more empty and alone than before.” this is so key – for as long as we stay separated from our brothers and stay in self – there will be not true relationships – no wonder we have soaring rates of depression and mental illness, for this was never the plan.
So beautifully said Golnaz it is indeed a empty and fruitless cycle in seeking identification and recognition for it is only ever for a false self that we have created to hide our inner feelings of not good enough.
Golnaz, I fully agree with your comment about the revelation of who you /we truly are and the absolute blessing Serge Benhayon offers in having no part in playing the insidious game of recognition and approval. Thank you for sharing this gem.
” He just sees you for who you are deep within and none of the games and superficial stories seem to make a difference. After a while I finally started to see myself as he was seeing me. I started to realise that there is so much love, wisdom and power already available deep within me – and within us all – unquestionably. And if I cannot feel, access or accept this, then the way forward for me is to clarify and heal the issues that I am holding on to which have resulted in this. Everything we have ever deeply wanted is within us! That is quite a revelation.”
Thank you for writing this Golnaz, as what you say about Serge Benhayon and his ability to see the person behind the mask is so true. Seeing myself as Serge sees me, even if it is only for a short period, confirms to me that I do not need to do anything to be seen or recognised and that the natural loving and beautiful woman that I am is more than enough. This is something to constantly remember and embrace and is true for all of us.
I love the depth you have gone to here, in exposing the game that is played in seeking recognition and identification. I also love this “I started to realise that there is so much love, wisdom and power already available deep within me – and within us all – unquestionably. And if I cannot feel, access or accept this, then the way forward for me is to clarify and heal the issues that I am holding on to which have resulted in this.” I love the empowerment of if you cannot feel, access or accept this that it’s not because it’s not true, but it’s because of a block that needs to be healed.
This comment is so powerful Golnaz – on re-reading it today it brought a really deep appreciation for just how far I have come from the first attendance of Serge Benhayon’s presentations. I started with the same illusionary base line you speak of and through Serge seeing me as I truly am, this old consciousness began to be broken down (and continues to be so!) –
“I am not good enough” and that “I needed something to remedy that”, the more I tried for recognition the more normal this way of berating myself became.
Great Blog Danielle. I too have been an addict of recognition my whole life. I was good at sport, smart at school, could be anything anyone needed me to be to fit in and be liked, and then eventually I added the obvious alcohol and drugs to the list. It was all about whatever I was doing. As long as I was ‘doing’ something then I was ok. My life has changed drastically since then and now as I am in a position where doing no longer supports me and my body and I have been able to truly see and feel how insidious and poisonous this need to be recognised is and how sneakily it has been woven into my whole way of being. From this I have also been able to see more clearly how it also rules the lives of others and the harm it does them and everyone.
This is a great point you make Penny Scheenhouwer “how sneakily it has been woven into my whole way of being”. Every day we have the opportunity to see more and more of how the need for recognition has ruled our lives. I know that I haven’t exposed it all, and in fact have only just touched the tip of the ice berg, because I know there is a way of living that is not holding back and if I am holding back it’s because of the need for recognition of self.
It is a ongoing journey of letting go of striving for achievement to bolster low self worth, and as you say Danielle not holding back that powerful woman that is naturally there. Rather than requiring any external validation but to have purpose in shining forth the natural beauty that is our essence.
Thanks Hannah and Jennym, it’s great to feel the support of others who are also claiming the same. It really confirms the power of letting out who we truly are, which is naturally powerful and all ready and waiting to come out, and once we let it out there’s no need to seek it on the outside.
So true Rachael and Alex, once connected to our love and living in a loving way there is no gap to be filled, therefore no seeking of recognition.
How are we going to provide a true quality service and product to our clients if we are in business and driven by recognition? How are we ever going to fully offer ourselves the full care of love and understanding if we are driven by recognition? The bottom line is that when we are driven by recognition we are in effect starting to live the ultimate corruption – a corruption of true quality and care that is not often seen or talked of.
Great point Joshua, you’ve brought the focus to feel the impact of recognition on others and the world. With a need for recognition it means all of our choices and actions are based on what will bring attention our way, there is no regard for what is truly needed both for the person and all people involved. So as you’ve said there’s no room for true care, respect and regard, just the need to be seen, no matter how ‘nice’ of ‘good’ the person or the actions are, it all come’s down to the intent and purpose.
The more I feel connected to the stupendous being that loves us all unconditionally, the more it feels ridiculous to keep playing this game of seeking recognition. I need to seek it because of the hurts I have carried, but being in relationship with God heals all those hurts because you feel so deeply held.
I love this Nicholas “filling up that vacuum inside us with somebody else’s recognition, acceptance, love because it gives us false sense of success including someone else’s emotions”. This is Gold and also why we can feel heavy, exhausted and loaded or overwhelmed with life – because we’ve sucked everyone else’s emotions in an attempt to fill our gap of not loving by recognizing ourselves.
Yes I agree Dianne T, this is an awesome truth Alison is sharing and have many times struggled with the same thing, and yes I still do…. I am also aware that as soon as I go into investment, my expression changes, there is a need and the need is ‘validation of me, because I do not accept or appreciate myself enough already’. Thank you Alison for such clarity.
I find recognition can creep in quite insidiously, often without my even being aware of it. It is slowly on its way out, as my awareness of it builds and as my love for myself builds.
I agree Anne, the only way out of recognition is to truly love ourselves, so much so that it doesn’t matter what anyone on the outside thinks.
And oh Danielle, isn’t that quite a journey! I have felt that I have come quite a way with truly loving and appreciating myself and not needing recognition, but then up it pops and it is there again! I am building a steadiness around this of ‘observe, deepen and move on’.
In full agreement with you Anne, Danielle and Lyndy – I also continue to work with truly loving and appreciating myself and building a steadiness around this of ‘observe, deepen and move on’. Recognition and approval can be so elusive and seemingly have endless ways of subtly creeping into the day , vital to keep catching and stop them in their tracks.
That’s beautiful Lyndy and I can totally relate. I love your use of the word steadiness which is what I feel is needed to drop those old ways or behaviours of seeking recognition.
Its interesting… recognition is like the first domino to fall, or seed behind many of the choices we make. To turn it around, would be to recognise and meet ourselves first, and from this connection, make choices. Am sure this would make a world of difference. It would be great if, recognising self, was shown to us as a child, then at least there would be the opportunity to shift the balance of recognition through competitiveness.
How beautiful it would be to be taught in our childhood to continue to hold the knowing of who we truly are and love meeting ourselves in full. Wow – we could not be caught in the trap of being unworthy or lesser in any form. There would be no need of seeking recognition etc from our parents or any significant other, who may also have been unmet in their own childhoods and possibly struggling with the same lack of worth issues. The evil cycle just continues.
There would be no blame game within families or holding the world to ransom – disharmony and wars would be a thing of the past.
Energetic awareness and responsibility are major keys to bring this change.
Thank you for exposing these hidden ways Danielle.
Competitiveness breeds social isolation. I watch this in the schools where kids are trying to constantly outdo one another. It is a playground but the start of the many diseases that are experienced in adulthood.
Agree Mathew, children are not naturally competitive but when they are not met for who they truly are, they quickly learn that they are recognised when they win or when they lose – both bring recognition. How simple would it be to meet children for who they truly are rather than to encourage children to undertake activities that are not only not natural, but which can lead to illness and disease later in life.
It’s true matthew brown and Anne McRitchie, as children we are not competitive and we are actually encouraged to be this way by adults, because the only way many know to meet children is through recognition and identification. As Anne has said the way our of this is to truly meet children for who they are, and not what they do. My feeling is if we were to do this with every child for 20 years that the whole world would change, including less illness and disease.
Completely true Danielle – ‘The pain or emptiness of not loving ourselves is so uncomfortable that we will do anything possible to try not to feel it, including seeking it from the outside.’
This too leads to pain as we can ride so heavily on the outside ‘love’ or attention that when it is not presented we fall even deeper into the emptiness. The importance is unquestionable in building a foundation of love and understanding oneself so intricately so we know just how fill that emptiness by being ourselves and letting people see that.
Owch! Awesome truth there Alison. This is something I have struggled to get clear on too – finding that razor’s edge between a true impulse to serve Humanity, and getting embroiled and invested in helping individual people.
The incessant need for recognition really doesn’t make sense. Here we are, as a society, dumbing ourselves down for the sake of being recognised for something that my not be our natural and divine quality. Like you’ve said so fully Danielle…
‘I see that it hurts me to change who I am to try and fit in or to make other people happy, which is impossible anyway, because they are mostly unhappy because they have not been themselves either..’
This is a crazy cycle that can only be broken by starting to live life honouring our true selves and expressing this to the world with no reservation or doubt.
The crazy part is that when we do stop ourselves from shining and instead we dull ourselves to fit in and get recognition that there is in fact a sense of other people being more happy about this and liking us more. The truth is they are relieved and like it when we dull ourselves because then they then don’t have to feel the tension of not choosing to shine when we are showing how easy it is to choose to shine.
The need to be recognized is only there within us when we do not feel our own love because when we feel full within ourselves and are connected to our own love there is no need to be recognized. What is required though is to learn to deeply appreciate ourselves which is an on-going development for me.
I agree Elizabeth, we only look outside of ourselves when we don’t feel our own love. The crazy thing is that we always feel our own love, but we make direct choices to try not to be aware of this, because we are not accepting and appreciating the glory of our own love (as you have also shared).
Beautiful Amanda. Let’s appreciate who we are rather than start changing to fit into roles.
Yes I feel like this also Elizabeth, although the need for recognition is not as strong in me as it once was I can still feel it lurking within me in more subtle ways.
‘The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.’ Wow Danielle what a powerful blog. There is also the evil (to me) of ‘needing to be right’ and ‘being perfect’ and controlling and ‘being liked’ which are all elements of being recognised. And the list continues. We have addictions all over the place and they go unseen because they are considered effective in our world.
Yes Anna and Danielle, I have never seen it that way before, it means that it is no good filling up that vacuum inside us with somebody else’s recognition, acceptance, love because it gives us false sense of success including someone else’s emotions, we have to fill it up with our own recognition, acceptance and love, it is only our own self that we have to satisfy. Thank you.
You’re right when you say society is built on being recognised and the world would be far more harmonious if everybody felt and knew who they were and that they are more than enough by just being their real selves.
Yes so true, re-reading this blog it became even more clear to me how insidious the addiction to recognition is and how harming. I know I can feel like having a great day when everyone is nice to me and appreciative of me (which is of course lovely to receive) but that when the next day nobody does that, I feel like I am having not such a great day. So good to notice these things.
Competition, comparison and recognition, these definitely are not things that are seen as addictions. Competition is certainly seen as healthy and aids character building and the like. But what we are not clear about or not wanting to bring a level of honesty to at this point in time, is that fact it is the root of many ills, arguments, wars and differences around the world, our communities and with each other. This is really a huge deal, we are just not willing to accept just yet. We will hopefully in time, the more awareness each of us chooses and deeper honesty is felt.
Its interesting that the world we live in encourages us to strive to be recognised for what we do and not who are. Our education system encourages this recognition and the concept of winners and losers, best at this and that etc ,when we really all need to know that we all bring something special to life and that its not a competition , but more
complementary way of living that appreciates thus brings out the best of us in all we do .
Recognition, it is so insidious. It try’s to creep in, in so many ways and situations. Alerting me to the more that needs to be healed within, the lack of self worth, the lack of true recognition/knowing that I am enough and living that in full. It is a work in progress. I also thank most graciously the work of Serge Benhayon that has allowed me to see that this is what we do, the consequences of living like this and that there is another way that is fulfilling in more ways than we can currently imagine.
So true David. And ultimately – if we do now know and love who we truly are – we will be forever seeking something to fill that gap that we feel. So we will be forever seeking something else to fill it.
Danielle, you have raised some great points here, especially our addiction to recognition, your words “As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. We are saying to ourselves that we are not enough just being ourselves – that we need to be something else, or something more, to fit in.” Those words say it all for me, how we leave ourselves in order to be recognised.
Just recently at work I observed how I still had a need to ‘fit in’, which became quite intense for me to realise that this old pattern of mine to ‘fit in’ is a great distraction from me just being myself for when I am connected to my innermost, I can connect to everyone easily, there is no trying and there is no need, and there is a natural flow of communication.
This time I paused to pay more attention to the negative kinds of recognition we can identify with that entangle and are less obvious than something like ‘I’m a slow runner’ or “I am bad at spelling”. They might not even be phrases we repeat but can still be what we identify with and live by, attitudes such as – I have to try hard, there’s something wrong with me, I’m not x,y or z so I had better compensate and be nice, everyone expects me to fail so I will – there are probably just as many ways we look for negative recognition as there are people in the world. Using negative recognition to fight our own power, glory and beauty.
We must be from the same family Alison! This horrible feeling as a child of being responsible for anything that went wrong anywhere is something that compounds the lack of trust in accepting our Divine origins and self appreciation is totally impossible when wedged between this ‘rock and a hard place’. It has taken many years to let go of this self bashing way of being – Serge Benhayon has inspired me so deeply to make new choices and thus experience the truth of the innermost essence which is within us all equally so.
I am sensing there is no end to a deeper acceptance and appreciation on our return to this vast and grand love that we are.
What you are saying Stephanie makes so much sense. I have been getting to see a more and more subtle level of ‘beating oneself up’ that is happening – in myself and others. This kind of expression makes such a distraction in the conversation or activity – a distraction away from our purpose, and has the effect of bringing everything to focus on ‘self’, instead of deepening our divine purpose.
This is a great discussion, that self bashing and playing less is all actually a game, to get recognition, and it’s just as bad as fighting to be seen to be good. In fact self bashing and allowing others to talk down to us and then calling victim is a very sneaky game that many people play.
I am seeing this too Fiona across all of my relationships but particularly in my children. As I blossom (simply by being myself with them), so too are they expressing more of themselves with me. Dominoes!
Yes, it always does come back to this one hurt doesn’t it – that we choose to leave ourselves, and when we do this, the gap that is created needs to be filled. So rather then fill it with ourselves, we look to fill it from the acceptance and attention from others. Madness, but I have absolutely done it time and time again.
Awesome blog Danielle, thank you. I totally understand the addiction you speak of as I too have been in this one. The need to be noticed and recognised for something – anything, just give it to me. At least thats the fervour it came with. What I find interesting as I too look to exposing and letting go of this need, is that it really is about me building on how much I value and appreciate myself. The more I do this, the less I find myself seeking out, and each time it comes up, I feel it, like a huge pain actually, and then I bring myself (as quickly as possible) back to something that reinforces the appreciation of who I am. This is now building and it feels amazing. Thanks for sharing this.
Well said Ariana, I can really feel the lack of responsibility in making it about needing to be recognised, quite arrogant in fact. For if we are willing to dismiss the grandness within, then quite simply we are also choosing to dismiss the grandness in everyone.
There is so much gold in what you have shared Danielle. Recognition is no different to a drug however as you say more evil as it goes unnoticed by most. At least if addicted to a substance you have the awareness and then the opportunity to do something about it. But with recognition as it is championed from childhood as something ‘good’ it is masked, and seemingly everyone is looking to be filled up and noticed by something outside of themselves. What if there were schools that bought awareness to the lovelessness of recognition and taught instead self care and self values. How different would we be as adults then? Thanks to your article and Universal Medicine we can start to address where recognition plays out in our own lives and choose to confirm ourselves instead of needing it to come from elsewhere.
So true David, recognition is no different to a drug, but worse so as it is not obvious that everyone is craving it and choosing to be hooked in by the false ‘attention’ it offers.
Agree Ariana, to be recognised for what you do especially at work [the HR term itself being ‘Reward & Recognition’] is huge and an extremely common reason why many leave their jobs to ultimately, and what we’re saying here is, have someone else feed us our value, to make us feel valued. When the feeding stops, just like a new chick it cries out for more settling only when it’s fed again. When we develop an innate value, we learn the value and essentialness of ‘feeding’ ourselves to lose the outside dependency, and in this way become self-responsible.
As I read your article Danielle I was thinking, this is not me, my experience was that I really did not want to stand out, I just wanted to hide, not be noticed, or draw attention to myself. But in a sneaky way I got attention for being a carer, helping others, creating a situation where they needed me, pandering to the needs and wants of others, I now thankfully can see that this was my addiction for getting so call love to fill the void that was within me. Thank you Danielle.
Jill, I could have wrote your comment, because for me too, I only wanted to hide, and not stand out in any way. However, I got my recognition for always being reliable and for always helping others even at an expense to myself. And I even gave myself recognition (prided myself) for being able to do everything on my own…. oh yes, Mrs Independent I was, and I didn’t need support…. ouch!
Jill – Reading your comment was an ouch moment – I spent a great deal of my life in a way similar to you – wanting to remained hidden, not noticed nor draw attention to myself and genuinely thought I was super shy.
Heartfelt appreciation here – Attending presentations with Serge Benhayon seriously began to expose the sneaky, addictive side of being nice, overly responsible and pandering to others and the poison it brings with filling our own separation from the truth of who we are with these. Thank God, there is another way that brings us back to stillness, harmony and love.
“Needing to be recognised is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.” …. and …. “It hurts me to change who I am to try to fit in or to make other people happy, which is impossible anyway, because they are mostly unhappy because they have not been themselves either, and are looking outside of themselves for a sign or comfort to feel better about themselves.”
Putting the two sentences together mentioned in this article shows the great illusion we have been living with. It is so very true that expressing in our fullness is the greatest gift we can offer ourself and everyone else.
Competition is so often described as ‘healthy’ whether it be in sports or the world of business. But, as you have pointed to Danielle, is it so healthy? Clearly the cluster of stances that come around the drive for competition such as, ‘toughen up’ ‘be a good loser,’ ‘get in there and beat the competition’, and all the bright, shiny voices and postures this is expressed with, have not one ounce of health or flow in them. There is nothing healthy about this position, and I can feel both the sadness and anger that are underneath these utterances.
It’s true Lyndy, just the other day I heard an adult say that their eight year old child needs to learn to lose in any competition and that this is good for their character. Basically we are teaching kids to harden up and bury the sadness of the fact of our equality and that we are all champions for who we are and not what we do. The fact we are all already amazing gets totally smashed by competition.
Agreed Danielle – the joy to be celebrated for who we are rather than by what we do and how much we achieve would turn competition on its head and bring love and equal-ness to the fore…..and a quantum shift for humanity.
“…..bury the sadness of the fact of our equality and that we are all champions for who we are and not what we do. The fact we are all already amazing gets totally smashed by competition”.
Hear hear Stephanie and Danielle. It is amazing to hear the justifications that we trot out about how ‘losing’ in competition is a character builder. But what sort of character are we building? One who, as you have said Danielle, learns to harden up and bury the sadness of the fact of our equality, one who learns to suppress their hurt and disappointment, one who learns to contract instead of expand, and one who learns to close down their heart. What an abuse! I understand that parents who say that about their child are ‘doing their best’ as they understand the world can be a tough place, and they want to help their child toughen up to face it, but we have all been tricked by this way of thinking that is jagged and disconnected, and alienated from the life-giving universal, all-embracing love.
Brilliantly expressed Lyndy, you’ve nailed it by saying “what type of character are we building?” when encouraging kids to toughen up with sport. It’s made me realise that most parenting these days is about how to equip the child to not feel the sadness and devastation of life. How foods can numb or how sports can harden – so we don’t have to feel the emptiness and devastation inside of not meeting ourselves, not letting ourselves out for others and also not being seen or met by others.
Agreed Lyndy and Danielle. This highlights how vital it is to bring understanding to the true responsibility of parenting rather than just ‘bringing children up’ = from the infinite vast love within us all, simply meet and accept every child in full, for who they are and not what they do, thus inspiring them to remain connected to their inner essence as they grow up. Wow! this would knock the evil, self serving creations of competition, recognition, self doubt, self worth issues, rejection etc, etc on the head once and for all. There would be no room for any of these as our body and mind would be in union and fullness, rather than separation from our Divine Essence.
True best part in all of this is that it only takes one person to start the change and then in any community it’s a domino effect. Hence the need for us each to be that one in our families, workplaces and communities who takes responsibility and chooses to reflect a true way of living.
That’s an interesting idea, Kosta. Addiction is usually built upon the premise that ‘if I do this (competition, drugs, tv), I get something out of it (recognition, respite from my hurts), if I do it all the time, that will mean I will get more of what I’m getting out of it’. It is flawed logic, but in the end the result is the same: identification with something that we can do that will take us away from what we do not wish to admit: that the things we do are not who we are and that the world we live in is not where the answers we are looking for are to be found. They are to be found within us.
Yes I’d say addiction is a deeply vicious circle of not being ourselves and then doing something to hide the pain this causes us which takes us further from ourselves and so requires greater addictive behaviours. So when people say they are just ‘taking the edge off life’ are they meaning they are taking the edge off the pain of not being themselves? I know I could say this is so of myself.
It is definitely a circle going round and round, Karin. Feel hurt, numb the hurt, feel the hurt from numbing the hurt and not being honest, numb the new hurt plus the old hurt some more, and so on and so on….
Naren you’ve explained the life of the spirit so well, ongoingly looking for anything at all to identify with, even identifying with feeling hurt for the choices we have made, or feeling anxious or feeling angry or any feeling we wish to create to feel as a way to avoid the underlying truth. It’s easy just to be who we are without an ounce of need for recognition.
True, it is a simple choice to choose ourselves instead of the burying of ourselves, but it is not always easy for us to recognise that there is a choice to be made. We are continually offered options other than connecting to ourselves, ones that make it seem like they will make all of our troubles go away, and all of this is so enticing to a being who has separated from the One it comes from and does not want to face the fact.
A great point, Naren – how it is a crazy circle of feeling hurt, numbing that hurt, and burying and numbing that hurt even further – and in my experience, even when I would think that I was getting out of that circle by giving up/introducing one device or another, it is still the same emptiness seeking to be filled – until somehow we find our way back to who we truly are.
That cycle is like trying to fill a hole with a teaspoon at the same time as digging it deeper with a shovel. It takes the step back from it all to recognise what we are doing and why we are doing it to begin that journey back to who we are.
I found that formal recognition, like winning a sports contest or getting a good grade is ok. It somehow doesn’t interfere with me so much and everything is at a distance. What I found much harder to take was when somebody congratulated me for doing it – the feeling of ‘there is something missing here’ was very acute then and I couldn’t avoid it. The more personal the recognition I get is, the more I couldn’t avoid that the recognition is empty.
This is true Christoph I recall as a child I hated my family and friends congratulating me for an award I had won. I would almost get angry and feel like these people don’t even care, they don’t see me any other time and will only look at me or talk to me if I’ve done something good. It’s like a present from someone who is trying so hard to please you, and waiting for your response, it feels horrible and you feel forced to pretending you love it, to keep them happy, whilst all the time feeling the lovelessness in the exchange.
So true Danielle that we get caught looking at the second hurt instead of the first one. If we stay looking at the second one we keep going round in circles getting nowhere. If we look at and deal with the first one we can resolve the hurt and a true healing takes place.
You’ve explained this so simply thank you Jonathan, it’s impossible to avoid responsibility in they way you have exposed this.
This omnipresent belief of having to be better and do things right is such a potent poison as it will not let us see that in fact there is nothing to live up to and that there is no right or wrong – only a different chance to learn.
Being who we are – nothing more – this is the key.
Nikki, it is that doing what is there to be done that is so simple and yet the key to living a fulfilling life. I find it can be easy to make any task emotional and thus complicate it, yet living with a purpose in our lives makes the need for recognition so much lesser, as we are able to access a grander vision of what is important and what is just emotional fluff.
Great article and exposure Danielle. Our need for recognition really does affect us more than we may realise, and it is great to have an open discussion about how it weaves through every fabric of our lives. The thing is while ever we are looking for the love and acceptance in anything outside of ourselves, we will never be truly satisfied. I am inspired to be ever attentive to subtle and separative ways it can play out.
I agree victoria picone I feel we need to have more open discussions about this. The need for recognition comes between us and developing loving and intimate relationships, because what normally comes hand in hand with recognition is comparison, to ensure we don’t miss out on recognition because someone else get’s it.
Thank you Danielle for describing recognition as an addiction. I’d never looked at this way but actually it makes total sense and I can see that not even considering it as an addiction is part of the sneakiness associated with the word. Recognition has a huge part to play absolutely everywhere. Why – because it is associated with the things we do, how well we do them, who sees that and how they react. It totally takes love out of the equation, and gives us a sense of temporary satisfaction. Wow – the similarity to drug taking is uncanny.
What if this was the sort of thing we were taught in school, what if we were cherished for who we are from an early age rather than what we do; taking away the need to even consider wanting to be recognised. We have a long way to go in how we live and what we allow in our lives – I love this huge question and what it asks the reader to consider.
Since reading this blog it has brought to my attention that level of recognition that I can still go into that is running the way I do things in life. It really is an ingrained behaviour that needs constant exposing. I have been aware of recognition in the past and from gaining this awareness I thought I had dealt with it, not actually the case, there is a part of me that still wants to hold onto it – this is the addiction you speak of Danielle. So I keep seeing it for what it is and letting it go and keep coming back to accepting that I am absolutely everything that I need to be and feeling how true this is. Embodying this acceptance of myself with eventually will release this old long held need for recognition. Bring it on!
This is true Natalie, we need to be willing to continue to see where we need recognition, and the tiny details of what we are identified with. I know every day there is another level of refinement to see, it totally come’s down to the way we move and express on a daily basis. Is it from who we naturally are in all of our glory, or have we taken on another way of moving and expressing that holds us to be something or someone who we are not, even if only ever so slightly away from ourselves, but needless to say, still away.
Exactly Alexander, beautifully said, we cannot make anybody happy as we are not connected to ourselves first. Without doing so we are only reflected that part of ourselves that is looking for recognition too. So when I meet someone looking for recognition we both come from recognition from each other, as is the normal case in our nowadays society and both come from he emptiness that the recognition is fed by. The fact is that we are meeting each other from our emptiness. How devastating this is we can see around us every day, but since everybody is doing it it is very hard to observe that it is actually there and not normal to who we truly are and come from.
‘As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. We are saying to ourselves that we are not enough just being ourselves – that we need to be something else, or something more, to fit in,’ and so we perpetuate the cycle of feeling we are not enough by seeking this recognition from outside ourselves. Thank you for exposing the harm and addiction in this evil pattern.
‘Exposing the harm and addiction as an evil pattern’ in relationship to recognition one would have thought that was a good thing , something we all strive for. But that is the key, it keeps us striving for the next hit of addiction. This is great you have pointed it out Danielle and as you say lorrainewellman we perpetuate the cycle.
It is the classic set up Recognition and a vicious cycle we choose to endlessly chase. The moment we stop feeling the amazing person that we are at such a young age and decide that leaving this to get more attention from our parents else where is the starting point of our deepest hurts. That we actually were the ones that chose this and no one else. That we decided that we were not enough and had to do what ever it is to gain the attention, acceptance and love from others by leaving ourselves and doing what will give us this desperate need to be accepted. Healing those hurts and truly accepting our Awesomeness will shatter any need what so ever for recognition. One that I am going for and needs constant reminding as I have played the game for oh so long.
The need for recognition, for me, was so prominent in high school. The need to have the bag that was accepted or the shoes and makeup – the need to fit in was so desperate that I forgot what I actually liked and what I enjoyed about myself. I was so incessant on needing to be recognised as ‘cool’ that I went to extreme levels of abuse to ‘fit in’. It has taken 10 years for me to begin the journey back to who I am and confirming that I CAN make decisions for myself based on what I like without the need to be seen as something or a style other than myself.
Danielle blogs like yours wake me up and are wonderful tools to look deeply into my life. I do not escape the need for recognition. It takes many forms but particularly that of being flexible and adaptable to any situation so as to be included, accepted, fitted in. When I look at myself from the outside I see a disconnected person who suffers from feeling I am not enough, so I play by others’ rules thus giving my power away. It need not be like this. I can simply accept myself wholeheartedly.
It is ironic that we all crave love and intimacy with other people, yet in the absence of feeling that, we settle for the booby prize of ‘recognition’ and then start on the hamster wheel to gain that at all costs. Competition and raising ourself into the limelight at the expense of leaving another person in devastation of being a ‘loser’ is what is championed as the way to go. How lost must we be to keep falling for this and not notice the inherent lie or the absolute and utter irony of the set up.
I agree Lyndy, it is not a beast easily slain and I know I too will be feeling it as if for the first time whenever it stirs. I also agree with what Amelia has written above – that the need for recognition is something that actually stifles us enormously. If we were all content with being who we are, none of this would even be needed – not a drop! A lot of people think this would equate to a kind of ‘blanding out’ of the population – that everyone would be the same. But really, we’d just all be together, harmoniously expressing who we are. The variety would naturally be there.
The recognition is such an aggressive attitude that plays out in life. It puts others aside so we can self gain at another expense. It is so common place and supported when we are in school. It is an unhealthy way to live and never fulfilling.
Thanks for another rich, explorative and frank blog Danielle. I would not have thought of the need for recognition as an addiction but giving it some further thought I use recognition all the time to my detriment and it disrupts my life far more than other bad habit I have. So yes, it is my addiction too and living life with awareness of this tendency is part of rehabilitation as it runs quite insidiously – as you say at least other addictions are known for the trouble they cause. My dependency on recognition is a pattern of giving power away to anything outside of me to confirm me. Like the damage done by drugs or gambling the addiction does not make sense, it creates havoc and often poor health and yet like any other addictions it taunts with the allure of relief. The tension most addicts are trying to dull is often because we are being called to confirm and fill ourselves from within. Looking for confirmation in recognition is a red herring sending me in circles to only end up in the same place – being called to be me from the inside out not the outside in.
I have behaved like a chameleon, adapting myself endlessly to fit in to any environment. I told myself it was the best way to survive in a dog-eat-dog world. However that was not true. I adapted and accommodated and absorbed whatever I needed to in order to be accepted and to avoid facing the truth that I had let go of my connection to the truth of who I was which basically made me a slave to struggling to invent a version of me which I could think was my own. Exhausting. Futile. Pointless. Especially when the connection was there all along just waiting for me to slip into place with it …
Awesome to pull the curtain on this rampant addiction.
As you say Danielle addiction is only seen for its extreme and more tangible versions – recognition is a hidden ill that pervades society and keeps everyone in the reactions of living outside of themselves. Education has much to answer for in this regard – if we were to start a school day with confirmation of everything that we are and take this into the day – we begin to walk taller and steadier.
The addiction of needing to be recognised is ginormous in our society and it is fantastic to call this out. It is indeed so cunningly, hidden and goes unnoticed making it nothing but pure evil as it serves no-one but self. The addiction for recognition is everywhere and it takes great honesty to observe ourselves when the need to be recognised creeps in. This addiction to be recognised especially from certain individuals from the opposite sex has been a big one for me. Reading this blog has given me a greater awareness in my need to be recognised by people whom I know especially as I commit more deeply to getting a job, becoming aware of a possibility to write an article in my local newspaper and from my behaviours especially with those where I have made myself small. Awesome blog Danielle – thank you.
“I have started to expose any need for recognition by observing myself in certain situations, or with different people. I ask myself, do I change certain characteristics about me, the language I use, the tone in my voice, or the way I dress and what I am willing to do and say?” To observe is a powerful tool to be with yourself without judgement and also to appreciate what you have observed. Thank you for the reminder.
Attention and recognition rule so many people’s lives. The problem is they are inescapable from being satisfied and the need for more never ends. The guy that sky-dived from a balloon from the edge of space… what do you do next to top that? Is it not insidious how the treadmill of recognition rules our life. With recognizing what we do, we are given the choice to step off the treadmill or find something higher to jump off of.
It seems we have been fooled into pursuing recognition when in fact all we want is to be met for who we are. One requires us to change, duck, weave, perform while the other requires us to simply enjoy being ourselves in every way, shape and form and nothing less.
Danielle, this is a great expose on an addiction that you are right, is not talked about and is actually encouraged. Recognition. And it is so debilitating! Driven by recognition, we loose all sight of who we truly are and our worth in just being ourselves. I remember when I first heard about acceptance and recognition at Universal Medicine I was unsure how this played out in my life, but boy when I started to explore I realised how insidious it was in myself and the whole of society. Thanks for a such a great sharing.
This strive for recognition starts very young and is reinforced daily at school so it’s no wonder that by the time we become an adult most people have lost any sense of themselves and who they are, not feeling as them on the inside is enough. A great exposure of something that is not fully recognised let alone discussed, thank you Danielle.
The words ‘desperate’ and ‘fuel’ stood out to me reading your words today Danielle. It is like we literally burn through and live vicariously off recognition as a source, of energy to live life. Given the subtle and intricate way you show it is laced and interwoven into life, is it any wonder so many of us are burn out today? Because recognition is not our natural fuel or way.
Thank you for writing so clearly about the addiction of recognition Danielle. I can feel the weight of it and how it keeps us miserable and striving.
“I am deeply appreciative of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for sharing what it truly means to be me… and how it’s possible to live in a way that allows this in full.” I share your appreciation of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for showing me how to connect to my essence, how to live with appreciation, how to develop conscious presence, to understand that we are not what we do, and so much more. Learning another way to be has been a healing unfolding for me also, to learn how to love myself and to enjoy being me without having to do or prove anything to myself or others. I am enjoying being a work in progress.
Its so painful to leave who we are and be in competition with others but society not only condones it, it also vigorously encourages it. From a young age we are given the strong message that we are not enough, that we always need to do things to be better or ‘seen’. The day we realise this is completely pointless, will be a day we will collectively let go a huge sigh of relief, as this way of being is exhausting and it is unnecessary.
The need for recognition is huge and crippling but we also need to look at why we crave it. Underlying the need is a lack of self-worth, self-loathing and a fear of rejection which is only resolved when we connect to our essence and accept our true beauty.
So true Jonathan – the first step to true healing is recognising the need for recognition and only then it is possible to address the underlying causes.
What a gift Danielle, you’ve given us by calling recognition an addiction. All the times I donot look within but are busy with everything and everyone around me I fall for the trap of recognition. I have been hiding my true self from the world with not even be fully aware that I was trying to fit in and pleasing others and be the nice girl. This investment in human life is still playing out and I know I am not giving others a chance to feel the answers are always coming from within. Your blog is a powerful reminder to come back to me, the true and real me time after time ( which by the way feels awesome)and expose the addiction recognition constantly when it reappears.
Thank you Danielle for bring up this addiction to recognition that is so wide spread and deep down fundamental to most of our behaviours in life and is totally hidden and unrecognised for the poison it really is.A great reflection to ponder on and look at in every aspect of our life. A great healing from this for us all.
I recall being a child, aged about 8 or 9 at swimming training, and swimming fast with a view to the adults seeing how well that I swam, and then walking back along the pool, and being very conscious of how I walked, and of the fact that I was and had been wanting to be seen. The thing is that, even though the desire to be seen to swim well was almost over powering, back then as a child I was also slightly ashamed of the fact that I wanted to be seen. I remember the confused and contradictory feelings in my body. Back then I still had enough connection to myself to know that looking for recognition was not ‘quit right’ and yet I still did it, because it was just as if that was the way that it was. As I got older, I lost the confusion in my body, as I like most if not all of us, totally sold out to the need to be recognised. As an adult I became blind to the addiction, but as a child I was at least aware that it felt wrong.
Danielle, I feel you have exposed the true seed of all addictions – the need for recognition – and that need is only there because we are not truly connected to the love that we truly are, thank you.
Well said Susan, very true.
Well said Susan – ‘ I feel you have exposed the true seed of all addictions’.
This expose’ really makes sense as to why we initially choose to take on other addictions; like food, drugs and exercise etc. The need to be recognised as something outside of ourselves is so strong that we can go to extreme levels of abuse in attempt to fill the void we feel inside from not truly meeting ourselves. The ‘quick fix’ of attention is forever fleeting and has no true substance as we continually NEED that fix to feel we are enough.
I was a very talented chameleon throughout my childhood and into my 30’s and knew i was seeking recognition – be it approval and validation from others and attention, comforting and self- worth from outside of myself…until i met Serge Benhayon and attended Universal Medicine presentations, i had no marker of another way and could not see myself clear of this pattern. I felt confirmed in my phoniness everyday and the phoniness of others who accepted the false me. The experience of being seen by Serge Benhayon for who i was in truth and not the false veneer and being honoured in absolute equalness despite my less than loving choices until that point changed everything for me from that day forth. It is an ongoing process of allowing all that is false to fall away by living the true me in the world.
What a great blog Danielle and you share so much wisdom here for us all to reflect on deeply. As you say “The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.” I agree most people do it and are not aware of it and this blog is now talking about it so it does get out there and get us asking questions what are we doing to get recognition?
This was huge in my life and even today I catch myself and question why I did something if I feel there was a hint even of needing to be recognised.
Something that has stuck with me was about 5 years ago where I attended a one day presentation with Serge Benhayon and he said give yourself permission to be the real you and from that day on I didn’t give a hoot how I spoke and that tone and style remains today. It was a relief to say the least as I didn’t have to have different hats for different people, it was one for all and life started to get easier. I claim today that my voice and tone changes for no one and it doesn’t matter if its my mother or the pope I would just say it as it is and I am known for my straight no nonsense talking style. I love it and so does my body as there is no squirmy feeling or tension.
Danielle this is so important, we are brought up being totally conditioned to know ourselves by recognition from others, rather than who we naturally are. We forget that we do not need other people’s approval and that who we are is unequivocally enough. It really is crazy when you put it into words.
Yes Meg, we do forget that we do ‘not’ need other people’s approval so that we can feel good about ourselves or to feel we ‘fit in’, and that who we are is enough just as we are.
You write about learning to adjust who we truly are at a very early age …. I can feel that right through my bones. From the crib looking up and having to figure out how to get more of those smiling faces, rejection when how I feel or what is going on (even though I can’t talk) is felt as ‘bad’. I’m not blaming my parents here, but just noticing that the set up for living a life of recognition starts right from here. Serge Benhayon has offered a different example – being all the love he is no matter how I am, what I do… and over time that has offered me a different way to live, and love.
Your sharing is very powerful, Danielle. I feel how you have already worked on this theme with yourself and now are able to express it in a way which offers detachement and deep pondering about this subject. I was able to get aware this morning how much I am focussed to receive love back from others, which is also a way of seeking recognition and how this seperates me from the love inside of me.
A very powerful article Danielle that invites a much deeper consideration of the way we’ve accepted life. Regardless whether ‘recognition’ is considered an addiction, it is epidemic and crippling, that is plain to see. And I love the fact you have shown the similarity between the extremes of ‘ideals’ you could say we strive to achieve, whether thats to fail, be a bum on the streets, or to be the best in our field. This is quite a shake-up to the way we currently view things, where the under-achiever is considered perhaps less fortunate, when in truth, by your understanding they are equally identified by their respective achievements.
Yes absolutely, we set it up perfectly to ensure no equalness is possible… and we all play into the same game, just with our different parts.
The way recognition has worked in my life is around a hurt about rejection and quite simply seeking approval from others is the default way of not feeling the devastation of that hurt.
A grace-full honesty Simon, thank you for sharing this as many can relate and connect with this devastation of not being adored and met for who we truly are from a very young age. We learn as children to seek attention and praise for doing things correctly in our development and I guess that addiction starts there and only dissolves when we give ourselves the love we are looking for.
School is where a lot of this starts, for sure. As soon as we’re taught the 3Rs, it’s all about stars on charts, who’s the fastest reader, best at tunnel ball, colours in the neatest, made the team, been selected for class captain and so on. I definitely honed my addiction to recognition then and sought it through academic and artistic achievement (it was never going to be via sport or music!) and through position. It was an interesting exercise as although I was smart and creative, I wasn’t the smartest or most artistic, nor was I ever chosen to be a prefect. How frustrating to skim just below the surface of recognition! What an interesting dynamic we create for ourselves when we don’t know or appreciate ourselves for who we truly are.
Many of us grow up with the belief that competitive sports are good for us – that they encourage ‘friendly rivalry’, ‘healthy competition’ (what great oxymorons these are!), ‘gamesmanship’ and teach us how to be ‘good winners’, ‘good losers’ and how to be part of a team. It was a concept I resisted mightily as a child and, as an adult, whenever I catch a glimpse of sports played live or on TV, I feel like I’m watching a war being waged. Sport of any kind, be it pursued solo or as part of a team feels innately aggressive and there’s always a pitched battle in progress, whether it plays out as the competition for a ‘personal best’ or against ‘the other side’.
The tendency towards escalation you mention here is spot on. Of course we need more and more – or at the very least to sustain a constant supply of whatever it is we’re addicted to. There’s a lot to be said for the quality of humbleness to counter recognition: even if I become wealthy, or sick, or impoverished, or famous, I need not be identified by any of these things. I’m still me.
Recently I watched a primary school sports day. This need for recognition is groomed into young children with the so called ‘competition’ however, I watched how so many kids were left deflated, sad and some in tears for not winning, while others revealed in the win and then proceeded to claim they were better than other kids. If the learning grounds of schooling supports and breeds this energy into kids, no wonder the competition between adults can be so insidious and quite separating, where everyone is trying to outdo the next.
Absolutely Matthew, the competition/recognition ideal is absolutely supported by and inculcated by the school system as it is and every teacher that lives in equality and Brotherhood begins the downfall of this tower. But even before school competition and recognition exists. Each person has to systematically observe and clear this impediment to wholeness, joy and love by re-connecting with their inner-most, spherically, an from the inside-out all will be eventually healed.
Recognition and its love-child identification – we are all hooked on these, particularly in the west where individuation is championed. I see a bit less of it in the east, especially in the busy cities where ‘standing out in the crowd’ would only impede the path of others – I’m particularly thinking here of the flow of the traffic. There is something worthwhile in considering the whole and going with the flow.
I am not sure about this Victoria. There is immense identification for ‘recognition’ in the East, just the same as anywhere else. It might have a slightly different flavour but it is cut from the same fabric.
It seems key what you have highlighted Danielle to let ourselves feel how much it hurts us to change ourselves for the outside world.. how we are an already perfect being yet taking on behaviours to “improve” ourselves.
I totally agree we inpsire and even give permission for others to be their self when we are. I really understood deeply this sentence too: “We end up living much of our life identified with a certain character or persona to the point that we are no longer our real selves at all. Instead, we become what we have been recognized by, trying to fit into certain criteria or categories that we have allocated in our mind.”
Yes Oliver great sentence and this has been my experience, having shape shifted beyond all recognition – ironically enough – how is it possible that we all just stand by watching each other change and change and morph and change to get what we think we need. We are all at this and yet no one says you were never like that as a kid to adults, just to bigger kids.
Well said Andrewmooney. Recognition comes from an empty place of not being enough so we constantly look outside of ourselves for someone else to fill us up, it’s crazy really when if we can begin to truly love ourselves in all we do by being the love we are, we need no approval because what we feel within is far more magnificent. Danielle writing about this is huge as is is simply not discussed, as you say anywhere, but it is now! Thank you for bringing this to the fore and outing ‘addiction to recognition.’ If you started a support group now the house would be full.
I agree, schools have sculpted competition into their curriculum, with recognition being fueld into the system for the best at something. There is never a prize for anything but the winner, and the winner is praised with recognition whilst everyone is left with nothing. This then creates a competition to get the recognition.
What you have said here Alison about the implications of the ‘recognition’ drive is truly beautiful! ‘I’m feeling an overwhelming responsibility to address this, not just for myself, but equally importantly, so I am not perpetuating this insidious addiction through the way I am interacting with others. I have a responsibility to humanity to meet each and every person for the beauty of who they are, not in any way through what they do’. Recognition is huge separater and divider, always keeping us behind a protective force, keeping us from ever meeting.
Hello andrewmooney and well said and I agree “that this incessant unquenchable need to be approved of and recognised as doing something that has some value is one of ways we try to avoid perhaps one of our biggest fears – being rejected.” Thank you Andrew.
“We end up living much of our life identified with a certain character or persona to the point that we are no longer our real selves at all. Instead, we become what we have been recognized by”. So true Danielle, so the key to eliminating the need for recognition is to continue to re-connect to our ‘real or true self’ and to deepen that connection until we can express with true authority. It is my experience that the need for recognition is never completely eliminated, as with everything else there are layers under layers while we are in physical incarnation. A defining marker of whether one is on track to eliminating the need for recognition is to have no different feeling in the body whether Serge Benhayon confirms that what you have done is ‘awesome or amazing’ or whether he advises that you have ‘messed up’, in which case you can be appreciative of the opportunity for the learning. When there is no need for recognition, there is no difference in feeling between the two events and both just leave the body in stillness. Although both the confirmation and the learning are evolving, in many instances the learning can be more evolving than the confirmation.
Absolutely amazing blog Danielle, very exposing and powerful. I too wasn’t addicted to any drugs, alcohol or anything in particular but after reading your blog, I am pondering if I was addicted to recognition. I am aware that I seek recognition from others more so in the past and to a lesser degree now as I am becoming more and more aware of it. Lately, I have been trying to expose it when it creeps in and I have been pondering on the reasons behind why I seek recognition? What drives recognition and why do I allow it to flow through me? It’s great timing for me to read your blog Danielle, it reveals so clearly how harmful it is to seek recognition. Your blog has confirmed and answered my questions. Thank you!
Wow – I never felt so deep within myself that I actually have a deep addiction to recognition , and this I remember in how I behave aroud people, and especially around the opposite sex. When you said: I discovered that I learnt to myself from a very young age by watching others and seeing what made them happy or sad, and how I needed to be to fit in. ” I can feel how I have been chameleon number one, changing colors all of the time, measuring how to fit it and make myself smaller, limit myself in how much I could shine! Ouch. What I can feel is that it is time for me to become aware when I am seeking for recognition.. so that I can say goodbye to this chameleon suit, and can actually wear my own clothes again. Wearing me again!
I will take this deeply to ponder on and see in which areas I am still trying to fit and get recognition.. As you said Danielle, it is hurting so deeply to not express who I truly am, and so does it to others. It is just not worth it ! Time to let go of my needs for recognition has begun.
‘Wearing me again!’ Love it Danna and can so relate to changing myself depending on who I am with and how this caps what I have to offer.
“As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. We are saying to ourselves that we are not enough just being ourselves – that we need to be something else, or something more, to fit in.” This realisation has been huge for me Danielle, the lengths that I would go to to be recognized. This leaving behind of who I am to seek recognition feeds the negative beliefs about myself that I am not enough, that I need to do or be more in some way. When I don’t seek the recognition, I know that I am enough when I am all of me and connected to myself in the fullness of who I am.
This is so true Lee – leaving ourselves behind for the recognition of others fuels a self-fulfilling prophesy of lack of self-worth which compels incessant seeking of recognition outside of ourselves to find this elusive ‘worth’ (for it will never be found outside of ourselves) and thus the cycle continues.
It is so absurd that we change our bodies and our whole being just to fit in – not realizing, that by that we will never reach the feeling of joy, love, harmony and simplicity we all wish to find.
Living differently would be so simple: it just starts with accepting ourselves and simply being.
This is a massive scope without even realising we’ve done it, seeking that recognition faster then the flash…All the same it’s not something that has to continue and define who we are or think who we should be, with the inspiration of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine times are changing
In reading your article, Danielle I got aware how ingrained recognition is in our society, and in some ways it is thought to be something good or that it is even love. I can see how dependant I still am concerning recognition. To understand deeply the difference between recognition and appreciation in my body, is where I am in the moment working on. Thank you for your powerful sharing.
“The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.”
Yes first we have to become aware as a society of the fact that everybody has invested in recognition as the main motivation for everything we do – Only then are we able to change the way we living. Amazing blog Danielle, thank you.
Indeed Janina, everyday humanity is breathed by the spin of reactions and emotions, awareness comes with taking a step back to breath our own breath and see the lie we have been proliferating.
Great blog Danielle – recognition is certainly something far uglier than what we have been lead to believe and with the lengths many in society are going in order to become recognised or stay recognised, it appears that no amount of ‘recognition’ is ever enough.
I also love that you have mentioned exercise can become addictive – and there is more at play than an addiction to exercise itself when we consider the countless forms of recognition that may come with it.
I agree Deborah, it’s like the strive for recognition feeds itself, always clamouring for more to fill the void that is created by seeking recognition in the first place.
Wow, that truly un-rooted my ills of how I perceived recognition to be. It is very true that it can fuel someone’s day, as it has mine for some time. It is that feeling that I am not enough, and I feel it is a deep deep prison to be in when I need recognition from another, or how I shape who I am to fit in.
Thank You Danielle (:
Other people’s attention and recognition gives us a quick fix of meaning and value but as we know this is not lasting and we are compelled to continually fill the well which is empty because we are not valuing and confirming ourselves. Great to expand the conversation around addiction to include recognition as it is a huge driver of our behaviour and psychological well-being.
Great point Sarah, as with many other addictions they simply fill a space or a void we feel in our lives. Recognition does the same, yet because it is not as tangible it often goes unchecked and unnoticed and so is not addressed. It can be debilitating constantly needing recognition from others to simply feel good about yourself. Say you put on something amazing to wear and nobody comments about how great you look, well you may then feel down, like nobody noticed you even after putting so much effort in. Or you could put on the clothes knowing that you are amazing and then nobody needs to say anything, if they do it simply confirms what you already know and is not bringing anything to you or making you feel better in anyway. We need to value, appreciate and confirm ourselves first.
It is great that you have blown the lid on the addiction of recognition…it appears we have normalised recognition to the point that we go out of our way to encourage it if not foster this in others at the expense of who they really are. We certainly get the accolades and spot light for being better, faster, prettier and a multitude of desirable or less than desirable outcomes…yet where in society do we stop and celebrate another by their lived quality – for honouring themselves and living the truth of life? It is not surprising that recognition becomes addictive for it is empty of truth and irrespective of the constancy of recognition hits or scores, never will recognition come close to filling the void that is there in place of us.
Addictions come in all forms and it is the less obvious ones that we need to be aware of as we can keep feeding them without ever questioning them. Thanks Danielle for exposing recognition as an insidious addiction.
This is so true Donna “it is the less obvious ones that we need to be aware of as we can keep feeding them without ever questioning them” and exactly how it happen’s in society. Often we will become aware of the addictive pattern or behaviour but not be able to immediately stop it, because it is so ingrained in us to be like that to the point where we think it’s our normal.
I love your honesty bernadetteglass that your hurts and needs have been about not taking respinsibility and blaming others or wanting them to make your life better. I feel everyone experiences this on one level of another, it just depends if we are willing to honest enough to share this fact.
The the pursuit of recognition is a self made prison. It identifies us as a certain sort of person and by choosing this ‘box’ we contain us and reduce our expression and development.
Totally get this box having built myself a sturdy little one early on in the piece, somedays I still squash my self into it banging my head and wondering why everything hurts. The world makes us this way but we ultimately choose to be this way. I want out of the box for good this life.
We are addicted to recognition but we do not recognise this fact. This is a great point. As every other addiction, recognition governs our life. What is the difference between the smoker that discover at 2AM that has no cigarettes to smoke and goes for them and the recognition seeker that resorts to every occasion to get it? In both cases, the drive is so intense that governs us. Any addiction, though, obeys to some specific cause. This is important to know.That is why is so important to observe and study yourself and catch you on the spot.
Awesome advice Eduardo. To focus on building our awareness and conscious presence enables us to clock it in ourselves more clearly when we seek that spcific “fix” that alleviates the pressure building within.
I have some vivid memories as a child of trying to get recognition for something and when it didn’t come feeling devastated and miserable, as though I had failed. Recognition definitely is an addiction and comes in any form imaginable, and when we get the high from the recognition we are only sustained for a short period before we need another hit.
This is absolutely true Julie – recognition is short lasting and unsatisfying every time despite our striving. How can it be any other way when we are seeking something false to be anything other than what it is? A false can never be true.
On coming back to read your blog again Danielle – this sentence stood out today –
“We end up living much of our life identified with a certain character or persona to the point that we are no longer our real selves at all”.
It has brought me to a stop to really feel the effects of identification in my body and how damaging this is – it feels like being in a box covered in heavy chains to remain locked away from the real truth of who I am/we are. This reveals how exhausting this is – dragging this along with us like some priceless piece of antique furniture because it is familiar. ouch!
Exposing the extent to which the need for recognition has pervaded our way of living has been deeply revealing for me in reflecting on this further in my own life. I was aware of many choices I have made in order to seek recognition but in writing ‘…we are no longer our real selves at all. Instead, we become what we have been recognized by…’ you have raised my awareness of the totality of this situation and just how far we have previoulsy been affected.
Recognition is a huge addiction, and it is something that I continue to work on letting go of. It gives a very short term fix for an age old problem. The recognition might stimulate a lacklustre life, but we are never satisfied, only to go out looking for the next hit. I don’t understand it chemically, but I am sure that if experiments were conducted, we would find Dopamine levels rise every time we get a serving. Is this a ‘wrong’ way to live? Absolutely not. It has fuelled mankind’s drive for changing many aspects of our lives. Have these changes led to more love being lived by everyone and us living the truth of who we are? Sadly, no. Recognition is self-medicating the deepest ailment: the hurt we feel for not being met for who we truly are; and ultimately for the deepest hurt: the poverty of love created by abandoning ourselves. Recognition is a bandaid for this hurt which never works. As many others have mentioned in the comments and you have said in the blog Danielle, our only way to get out of this vicious cycle is through self love.
Your comment that ‘recognition is self medicating the deepest ailment; the hurt we feel for not being met for who we truly are’ is so true Jinya. Abandoning ourselves, we then seek outside ourselves for a solution, in seeking recognition from others, which of course never lasts. Self love is the lasting cure, which I am working on by focussing on appreciating myself, not looking for others to do it for me.
You’ve really nailed it Jinya, that recognition does not change a thing. It raises the awareness of self beating another, but is temporary and loses lustre when it’s yesterdays news. It is a vicious cycle constantly needing to be fed, and recognising the desire for recognition is a great start. Thanks Danielle for exposing this as an addiction.
A very revealing blog, on a subject that is so insidiously woven into the way we are encouraged to be by the influences around us that we often are unable to recognise it in ourselves or others.
So well said Kate, it is insidious and epidemic, to the point most don’t see it at all either in themselves or others… it is just the way we have accepted ourselves to be in relationship to the world. Only when it becomes more overt do we acknowledge it… and in kicks some version of the ‘tall poppy’ syndrome to ensure another’s ‘recognition’ remains at an acceptable level compared to our own.
There are so many people in our world living under the shame of a labelled addiction and plenty of those judging others for having them, but, what you share here Danielle enlightens that we are all the same and in fact equal. We are all seeking recognition in one way or another and this to me means that we are really all seeking to be truly met for who we are, met by others and absolutely met by our own selves. To be loved, cared and cherished for our very depth of beauty and simple existence.
It’s an interesting point you raise Cherise around the label of addition and how some people come under it’s shame whilst others apparently don’t. I would say that in actuality everyone suffers from one form of addiction or another. And that in the end, as strange as it initially sounds, addiction is a choice… a choice first to not deal with how naturally painful and difficult it is for us to see how other people, our brothers, are not being and acting their full selves, then another choice to take up some form of technique that will dull our awareness so that we don’t feel what we can’t actually stop being aware of. If we are to understand addiction at this deeper level then it seems very plausible that almost everyone is suffering from it … but suffering by choice!
Observation without judgement is truly a wondrous practice that takes us back to that innocence.
Indeed self observation is key to nailing areas where we are seeking outside of ourselves: “I have started to expose any need for recognition by observing myself in certain situations, or with different people. I ask myself, do I change certain characteristics about me, the language I use, the tone in my voice, or the way I dress and what I am willing to do and say?”
Check. I can totally relate to your blog, Danielle, big time. Through my life I have sought recognition too, and thought I was quite successful at it. The chocolate and sugar addiction I used to have was tiny in comparison. The last years I have grown a deeper awareness about my recognition addiction, and I have learned to catch myself when I go into the same pattern, and instead of going there, I turn the focus to my inner self and feel into the knowing that I am enough, – just for being me. Thanks for highlighting this most important topic.
What a great point to bring to humanity to feel and discuss. The addiction of recognition is something no one would truly think about but something billions of people do in an endless myriad of ways. Not only are there an endless stream of recognition addictions to choose from, many of them are celebrated and are seen as great personality character traits and we should triumph if we have mastered them. A very insidious hook that always keeps one away from knowing and feeling that it is the connection to the inner that we should be feeling first, then choose to take that connection to whatever task we wish to do, not to be seen, but to be in service for others.
Absolutely Tracy, an endless stream of recognition addictions to choose from and who would have thought that it included every so-called non-achieving, unsuccessful version as well. An addict to being recognised in ANY way is definitely a paradigm shift for humanity to come to.
I love the way you have written this article, Danielle.
Presenting what the world would say was healthy competition, accepting your relationship with it as an addiction and then realising that it was only the tip of the iceberg. To expose our need for recognition is so brilliant and there are many layers to it. I have found that the simple claiming back of my name has been very powerful. Having had multitude nicknames that were abbreviations and major modifications of my name, I have claimed it back in full and use it consistently. This has had a profound effect in those moments when I feel myself morphing in a certain situation to try to fit in, or becoming “the person who does this, or is like that”. I can quietly say to myself, “I am Matilda”, creating a moment of space to consider the madness and ineffectiveness of trying to be something for someone else. So to bed with the ever-changing chameleon (which I now see as very inconsistent and unreliable) and out of the shadows comes the real deal!
Very thought provoking Matildaclark – I’ve been nice, and a chameleon for much of my life. And of course the driver for those subtle shifts in colour depend on who I am with and what the situation is, a change that comes about because of the recognition I crave.
Thank you Danielle, indeed society is built on the need for everyone to be recognised and we all have fallen for it but this has been at the expense of our bodies as naturally we do not have to look outside ourselves in oder to fit in as all is needed is already within us we just need to confirm and appreciate who we are.
Totally Abby. Addiction to recognition interferes with EVERYTHING, setting up invisible but palpable and effective walls of isolation between us all, thereby preventing true love and relationship.
This is a great exposure of an insipid addiction that we are all guilty of pursuing even to the point of becoming as you’ve said – what we have been recognised for rather than who we truly are. It’s crazy we do this at our own expense and of others, denying the truth and quality of what we can bring and offer the world when we don’t try to be seen for anything and just allow ourselves to be who we naturally are.
Thanks for writing this blog Danielle and exposing just how messed up recognition makes us. I know for me recognition is actually quite insidious as I don’t overtly coveted it, I don’t outwardly care what people think about me and feel pretty solid in my self (this is now, but was not certainly most of my life prior to the work of universal medicine) but there is hidden recognition there for sure, and it can be said in another way, more of a way of behaving to avoid rejection.
Recognition I agree is insidious, it is driving society and feeds what we deem as success, it is empty, destructive and harmful. Exposing it and cutting this global addition, we must first recognise our part in it. I too have never been outwardly seeking recognition but inwardly I felt it and know I was also seeking it. I am becoming more and more aware of it, working on exposing it and letting it go when I feel it creeping in.
I can definately recognize this addiction having played out within my own life, and I feel the opportunity that this blog has given me to go deeper with this today.
I agree pernillahorne, it was a blessing to read this today. I work in a place where competition and recognition are the order of the day, and it can at times be difficult not to get caught up in this. But we always have a choice, in every moment to simply be who we are.
Danielle I agree the definition we have for addiction is very limited and what is seen to be an addiction only covers a small area. Like you have expressed addictions are much more vast and encompassing of many behaviours. Anything we choose to do for self recognition is an addiction, whether this recognition is positive or negative . We can become addicted to seeking the idea we are a “good/bad” mother/father, sister, brother, partner friend, work colleague, employee, employer etc the list is endless. Yet they are all addictions as we are constantly needing to be fed the idea this is true at the expense of ourselves and others. It is amazing the topic you have opened up for discussion in this blog.
Thank you Tonisteenson, before reading your comment I wasn’t sure if I was addicted to seeking recognition. Now, I can definitely say I was, very exposing and awesome to be aware of it. I have been working on letting it go and trying to understand where it’s coming from and how I have woven it into my life. Bring awareness to this age old habit is a great start, allowing myself to recognise it, understand it and choosing to stop it, as soon as I can feel it, is the way to go.
Yes the recognition of this is very important and for myself I have found the acceptance of myself and these feelings is very important, otherwise there is too much shame and disapproval of myself, that it is something I do not let myself fully see or recognise as I have an idea that I should be perfect and not have thoughts such as these.
This is a great blog Danielle exposing the games we play to achieve recognition for something we do when living being yourself and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and let others see that is such a gift, why would we want to live any other way?
Awesome post Danielle. Thanks for being brave enough to expose the ugly truth of why most of us think we are here for. Some people might read this and think what you’re saying is ludicrous, because they believe competition and recognition are important parts of life that have a rightful place. And they wouldn’t be alone. Babies are taught that if they smile and show off their latest trick – they’ll get hugs and kisses and claps. It’s not long before kid’s start to know exactly how to perform to induce a certain reaction from their audience.
We are so needy of acceptance from others, and what we are so good at doing is refusing to accept ourselves, and hence the need for this external recognition. I am a perfect example of what I think we can safely call an epidemic. More and more I’m catching myself do this, but it’s hard, it’s really hard to shift the focus back to me and learn that I am enough, as is, no change required.
Great article Danielle – so many areas got uncovered and exposed. The part that stood out to me was about identification. As you have said “We end up living much of our life identified with a certain character or persona to the point that we are no longer our real selves at all”. Identification is so accepted as normal, that no one questions it. We may look into why people choose to identify with different things, but we don’t look at why we have this need to identify with something at all.
Yes, Simone what you share is true. We don’t look at why we have this need to identify with something, as we accept being identified by what we do as so normal. It is not questioned. By living this way we have caught ourselves in a net and entangled ourselves with a false way of living that ignores our true nature and essence.
Danielle you’ve exposed an addiction in society that is easily encouraged from birth. Recently someone commented to me that they preferred a particular baby because they smiled at their attempts to make the baby smile. Nothing wrong in enjoying a baby’s smile but at the expense of not appreciating the baby if it didn’t?
Many times I’ve heard teachers and adults who, at a loss to improve a child’s regard of themselves, have encouraged them to recognise they are good at something which invariably entails comparing themselves in relation to others – one described it as ‘positive comparison’.
But if we value ourselves in this way our worth is beholden to those around us. I have no doubt no well meaning adult would ever take this argument to its logical extreme (even aside from the belief that ‘everyone is good at something’) : if we’re no good at things then we hold no intrinsic value; or if we are the best at something then we are somehow superior to others.
Growing up I know I sat down and asked myself what was the point of me as I didn’t excel at anything despite my best efforts. Just as ugly has been thinking I’m better than others for something or other (and sometimes it wasn’t much, like knowing something someone didn’t). I know we have a great responsibility to connect to our intrinsic worth and keep from the ridiculous comparison, the oscillation between I’m better or worse than another. The mental calculations are quite ridiculous and the separation between us all so unnecessary.
I love this honest reflection of the insidious damage that recognition does to us all. Recognition brings us the need to always meet a certain standard that we have shown in past actions or behaviours and then this is at least what is expected from us, or what we expect from others, if we fall for this illusion. Thank-you Danielle, this is something we all need to ponder. Could recognition be like a restricting comfortable prison which we are fearful of venturing forth from?
This blog has brought to the fore front how recognition has managed to stay in the back ground undetected in society and within ourselves. How it has slyly kept us from moving, talking, interacting and living in our truth. So deep this is in our society and so blinded we are to how debilitating this is to living in brotherhood. Thank you Danielle I had never allowed myself to feel how much this affects the whole.
Totally agree Kimweston, we have been hoodwinked and taken out from a very young age. We are conditioned that this is the way of the world right? Maybe the way of the world but we actually belong to a higher order that naturally comes from living in a way of harmonious brotherhood, that supports and cares for the all equally. Once we start returning to this way of being the tension we constantly live with will subside.
Well said Nicola. I absolutely agree. We are living in such arrogance and ignorance of the harm that we do and create every time any need for recognition is sought. There is much for me to ponder on here…
There is so much we can understand if we where to pay attention to how we develop children. They are super free to just being who they are, lovely, playful and accepting of everyone equally. And then we change them into something they are not by applying expectations on them to perform. We are asking them to perform task and roles to fit into the model we have created that we think brings survival in the world. Then as we grow up we spend our lives miserable, sick or rejecting said model. I trust someone is getting a good laugh at our silliness, because it really is all upside down.
Well said sandrawilliamson. It is absolutely crazy what we do to our children so that we as adults feel better about ourselves. Raising our children in a way that supports them to be who they truly are and not for what they do, so they grow up confident men and women knowing who they truly are, supports them enormously in a world that is fuelled by the need to be recognised.
The acceptance of ourselves is an enormous subject, and what you have just shared would be felt by all of us in some way. It’s also something that I would have never put in the addiction box, but after reading your blog, it absolutely is an addiction, and one that I have observed in myself.
Yes absolutely Kim, self acceptance is enormous and most mistake this for feeling good about themselves by virtue of achievements, attributes or characteristics. To understand we are an essence, and that it seeks nothing to identify itself, definitely exposes our outer, constant search to be recognised and accepted by others…. and yes, an addiction in epidemic proportions for sure as it’s needed over and over, no matter how great or minimal the acknowledgment at any one time.
I was addicted to recognition and would constantly seek it out. The addiction to recognition is very much encouaraged and I can imagine people would be surprised if ‘doing well’ would be considered ab addiction. But striving to succeed, to be noticed and recognised in some way is addictive. It is taught as a very young age – the top of the class, the best speller and so we identify ourselves with what we can do and not who we are. Great blog Danielle.
Are we not encouraging if not rewarding this pattern in our current education system?
Children learn the message early on that they need to be good at something or bad at something – that they need an identify, to conform, fit in or play a role whether that be for mum and dad or the school or their friends – something that sets them apart from others. Imagine life where we no longer live in this manner, where we celebrate another’s strengths and accept each other for who we each are and can shine unreservedly in the fullness of our essence? Seems to me that humanity would be a lot less anxious for a start – for in my experience there is great anxiety in living a false and seeking the recognition and acceptance of others.
Addiction to recognition. This is definitely not something I considered as an addiction before, in fact most of my life I have seen striving for recognition as a good thing.
Wow Danielle, how very exposing of the need for recognition. Seeing this as an addiction puts recognition in a whole new light. Recognition is something that I have often sought in my life – it leaves me with a feeling that I am not enough, that I need to do or be more, and I am left forever chasing some elusive next thing. I found that competition would feed my need for recognition, if I beat someone at something and got recognized for it then surely I am enough, right? However this is a false assurance as recognition is an addiction that needs continual feeding. Thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I have come to know that I am enough when I am being all of me and I am seeing through the illusion of recognition and the harm that this creates.
Great comment Coleen24. The lack of love in competition is the most disturbing aspect of it. In sport, between friends at a child’s birthday party, at work, on the road, everywhere we go man is pitted against man. This hurts every one of us but we are the ones who must take responsibility to call out this madness and then make a choice to not only stop, but to stop and deeply honour the amazingness of who we truly are.
“needs continual feeding” – well said Lee. So true. There is never enough when you are on the cycle of seeking recognition and/or competition. It usually takes something pretty major to break it – like an accident or a health incident. It is relentless when you seek recognition because you get it, then you look for it some more, get it, keep looking etc… Learning to look inside and not outside is the antidote for that.
Just the other day at my place of work a competition was set up between the staff – it was all fun and games when we where all doing well at it, but it caused a underlying tension that made our relationships and interactions more on edge. And then if you started slipping behind, the feeling of not being good enough struggles to the surface – because we all need the recognition that we are doing well. it is a disease that needs to be recognised.
Beautifully put Zofia. Neither of those positions that cling around the paradigm of recognition – the inflated arrogance or low self-esteem – reveal any real self-worth and the beauty that self-worth can bring. The former two positions are out of proportion, while self-worth is warm, proportionate, confirming, and loving. What the world needs now is proportion, sweet proportion. Let the spiky spikes of recognition depart!
Competition at work really is the antithesis of group harmony – as you say, even in ‘fun’ it subtly (and not so subtly) undermines. Yet many ‘team-building’ exercises are built on competitive activities that pit colleague against colleague. Competitiveness is somehow considered a boon to productivity…
You raise a great point – when business and teamwork is built on competition then the foundation will always be rocky and the relationships always slightly tense.
I agree Zofia – at work I have seen some people automatically give up, not wanting to even try – and its something I also saw a lot in school, because often people have built up an idea that they aren’t good enough and so don’t try, completely missing out on their amazing potential.
I remember working with a group of under 10 children, many years ago. We were playing some games and one of them was with 2 teams. I can’t remember the details of the game but what I will never forget was this one young boy who was unable to play. When I asked him about it, he shared that he didn’t like the competition. It was as simple as that. From then on, I didn’t include any activities that were based on competition. This was a very wise 6 year old boy who was leading the class from the truth of his body.
Very wise, many children don’t enjoy competition and yet it is something pushed for in education – but whats the cost?
This blog rings so true to me. Since I’ve been aware of the craving-recognition epidemic, I’ve been checking in on myself and seeing that there was (and still is) so much about what I did that was about getting recognised. And it is really like a craving that I’ve constantly been feeding most of my life. How I dressed, how I spoke, what I said, what I didn’t say, etc etc. Great article Danielle.. very exposing!
Your observation about how competition closed you off from others, was so important, Danielle. I feel that recognition has the exact same result. We want so much to be seen by others in some way, that we end up creating a persona which might have the outward appearance of drawing people closer to us, but do those we have near us truly know us if all we have been desiring from them is to be seen?
Indeed, Annie. It is a textbook definition of irony.
That’s so true Naren. We crave recognition so we can feel closer to others, but in reality it has the opposite effect. We create a persona as you say and end up competing, trying to be better than others and shutting people out.
Great question Naren. There is no real connection no matter how many people we may be surrounded by if it is all coming from a need to be seen. A relationship built on ‘needs meeting needs’ is far from what is possible in a relationship when we have already met ourselves first.
It is indeed a classic catch 22 situation, never able to attain the one thing we truly want most while we seek it form another. Blinded to the irony by the craving attention on one hand and forced to protect against the one real sadness of missing ourselves on the other.
Indeed, Greg. Celebrity is a huge addiction, the pinnacle of recognition. Social media is also a hugely addictive medium which is built around recognition. Who has responded to my post? How many Likes did I get? How many followers do I have?
A recent study I read about showed that when we get a Like on Facebook or a comment to something we posted, our body actually releases dopamine, the feel good hormone. We can very easily get addicted to that, it is what most drugs release in our bodies, and it is the feeling that we end up chasing which then becomes an addiction.
Absolutely Naren, all emotions are like drugs to the spirit, as Danielle states the answers are within or our soul connection, chasing emotions leave us feeling tired from the yo-yo affect, high one minute then down the next.
This is a powerful blog about what I feel is the world’s biggest addiction ever ” the need for recognition”. I think that there might be only a few people in the world not suffering from this addiction. Thank you for opening up the discussion about an addiction that has probably the largest effect on humanity.
The normalisation of this behaviour is the true evil here. Something within us knows the behaviour is not true, yet we subscribe to it because everybody else does, which somehow makes it ok. Great article, calling out the obvious.
I did Judo competitively as a child and I knew at the time that my favourite experience was that throttling feeling of tension that would then dissolve in an explosion of fighting where you wouldn’t know whether you would win or lose. I didn’t enjoy it when I slept badly before a big tournament, after that I slowly got less interested. I enjoyed the tension but not staying up involuntarily. Tension with comfort, yes. Tension with discomfort, ummm – can I get back to you?
I totally relate to your Judo example. I played Judo for some 10 years overriding my anxiety and fears to compete. The driving push I had to connect to compete felt so tense in my body I would feel like throwing-up.
This is a very powerful article Danielle. It is the kind of article that makes you sit up and take notice. The whole world is craving recognition and getting sicker and sicker because of it. All anyone wants is to be met in his or her essence yet so few of us are and so we think we have to perform a certain way to be noticed. You are very correct in calling it an insidious addiction.
It is an insidious addiction, a very hidden and damaging one too, that keeps us searching on the outside, and keeps us away from the beautiful being we truly are deep inside.
Absolutely Karoline living in a way where we are constantly looking outside of us for some sign or marker that we are ok is totally making us sick. In fact a large percentage (if not most) of humanity are exhausted from living in this way. We don’t realise that living in a way where we are constantly performing is draining us, and the reason why we don’t realise it is because there is so much stimulation in life from sugar, caffeine, alcohol and entertainment, to not feel how exhausted we are. It’s not until the body starts to break down and get adrenal fatigue, thyroid issues, autoimmune disorders, diabetes or obesity (etc) that we begin to consider we are sick, but it happens a long long time before this, from the moment that we behave in a way to get something from the outside.
Wouldn’t that be great Jane, to have schooling where we are not needing to compete or produce results but where we learn to accept and appreciate ourselves for who we truly are.
Danielle, great how you expose competitiveness in sport as being fuelled by our addiction to recognition. And how unloving it is to want to win knowing that someone else must lose. Even when our child is in tears because he’s lost the game we do not see the how much pressure we put on him to succeed. People talk about ‘healthy competition’ in sport and business which shows how we normalize it so that we do not feel how harming it is.
Fantastic blog Danielle that really digs in deeply to the reason we as human beings find it so hard to live truly from our innermost – the addiction to recognition – great that you have described it as exactly what it is. Like Sara above I feel it would be a very rare person that did not have at least a smidgeon of this addiction. There is so much in your blog I will have to read it again.
You are not alone in having this addiction Danielle. I for one have changed myself to fit in or be accepted, not in any terrible way but definitely to please others. Having connected to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon and the wonderful Practitioners, I can see clearly how this is not me, to be myself at all times is my challenge and one I’m definitely up for.. Thank you Danielle.
Great discussion to open up Danielle. Looking for recognition is part of the fabric of ours lives, and it keeps us in that constant striving and motion, which is so exhausting. For me it became a way of being and I forgot myself, forgot who I was. Through attending Universal Medicine workshops I have started to connect back to the real me and like you I am finding it is possible to live in the world and just be me. It’s been a journey of returning home to myself.
Thank you Danielle for this powerful piece of writing. You have exposed an addiction that indeed dominates our society. How from a young age we learn how to ‘de-form’ ourselves to gain recognition, to fit in, to be identified. I am constantly learning and observing how this plays out when we leave who we are, as we then create who we are not only to fill the emptiness from leaving ourselves in the first place. When we are honest with ourselves about our need to be recognised we will begin to return to who we truly are and be our already beautiful ourselves.
It’s interesting, we all look at addictions to be something outside of our selves when there is possibly one of the worse coming from within.
This is really honest ‘I have started to expose any need for recognition by observing myself in certain situations, or with different people. I ask myself, do I change certain characteristics about me, the language I use, the tone in my voice, or the way I dress and what I am willing to do and say?’ I have felt many times when I have had a need for recognition but just ignored this pretending it wasn’t there, the thing is this doesn’t solve anything! It is much more healing to admit what is there and then address from the inside out.
Well this is such an interesting blog.. I was reading going “I wonder what this mystery addiction is!?” then when you shared this is the recognition I was like “Oh… yes it so is!!” I have been addicted to recognition for such a long time and I am constantly catching myself seeking it from others. It’s something that does require hard work to heal because we have done it for so long. It’s beautiful that you have written this because I feel like actually nominating it is the first step we take in the direction of not needing the recognition.
This is great topic to open up and probably one everyone can relate to in some way. I for sure can and to now see this as an addiction explains why it is woven into life as until we see recognition for what it is we are continually morphing ourselves in to what were are not. Reading this blog and now writing this I feel like I am only just getting a taste of how big this is. Thank you Danielle.
Gosh this really hit the mark this morning as I read this powerful sharing Danielle. It brought about the question how many of us have been ‘addicted to recognition’? I feel many hands would be put up (not going into comparison at all) As you share it does feel so much that we are saying that “we are not enough” always trying to be more or less than the amazingness that we already are. I feel sure that if it was not for Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon I would still be living in this fog of illusion with so much ‘trying’ to fit in with society and gaining recognition. Thank you Danielle amazing sharing. Now I am learning about appreciation.
The liberation is tangible in your description Danielle of how it feels to be expressing yourself in full, rather than chasing recognition. The freedom to become ourselves rather than what another needs us to be (so that we can then receive their recognition) is there if we care to see how we contort ourselves in the name of recognition. Recognition is a drug that stops us from realising that we are already everything …and covers the fact that we have chosen to not express what is naturally within us.
This subject is absolutely ground breaking Danielle, thank you for sharing this very personal account.
I feel that all the roles we go in keep us “safe” in our recognition addiction as most of these roles are an acceptable part of our society- parent, employee, volunteer at the opportunity shop, member of the school board, student , soccer player, computer whiz, great cook etc.
I got a lot of positive fuzzies by being the super daughter /sister and am now just wanting to be me- its hard to shake the label off as it also stops others from being responsible.
Yes Abby, it is very hard to listen and allow love when my life constantly revolves around wanting to be recognized, it is totally focused on me, me, me, but in a very false sense. We are quite incapable of a relationship based on love at that point.
I notice this with competitiveness Danielle, ‘it was unhealthy and it was harmful for my relationships with others as it affected my ability to be close, open and equal with others’, I see this with children that they can play happily with one another, but if competitiveness comes in and it becomes about winning a race or being first, then someone seems to get upset and there is a loss of the innocent, joyful play and togetherness.
Thank you Danielle for exposing this hidden addiction that is so rife in society and one that I have struggled with all my life. I am only now recognising how it has affected every aspect of my life and moulded the way I behave in all situations. I can really relate to being a chameleon and changing to fit into all the different environments I find myself in and having different personas for each situation. For me it has often been about feeling resentful for not being recognised for the fact that I am not causing someone grief, for example, with my manager being the helpful one who volunteers to do things to support the team and doesn’t complain or look for support from her because I know she is overloaded etc but then resents the lack of acknowledgement. This has played out in different ways in other areas of my life as I developed this persona of being the one who copes and gets on with things, I hid behind this role for many years and have only recently started to express myself in a true way without the need for acceptance. I feel there are so many layers to this and lots more to uncover as I focus on reconnecting to me and letting go of the need to fit in and thus craving recognition as a way to fill the void of missing ‘being with me’.
Danielle I am beginning to recognise other addictive behaviours. There is one behaviour that I certainly used and have observed in another: dedicating your life to pleasing others and putting them first, even at the risk of your own health and safety. All driven by a need to be recognised as the perfect friend, daughter, loving and devoted mother or grandmother
Danielle-Great sharing and exposing of what is an addicition which is very subtle and insidious indeed, as everyone sees it as the norm= recognition.
I began observing how I change myself around different people, and I must say it was very uncomfortable to realise how different I would be especially around men, it felt really manipulating and horrible. It’s incredible to realise how I become that chameleon in different situations, and I totally agree it is a very insidious issue. By becoming aware of these behaviours I have started to let them go, and develop a more honest relationship with myself and feel I am expressing my natural self a lot of the time, however the chameleon way is still here and there so staying super aware… very interesting article Danielle!
Beautifully expressed Adele. Being deeply inspired by Serge Benhayon – I am also in the process of ‘letting go’ of the addiction of holding back my expression from the fullness of me.
I am also learning to just be in the moment, often in the past I would jump on something that I felt wasn’t right or true this was part of the addiction of “being right” just this week I have sat through people talking about things I do not see truth in but was able to stay open to them and be in my body rather than have to prove myself etc. These addictions are everywhere!
This is an amazingly powerful and much needed subject to blow out of the water as you have in such a clear and practical way Danielle.
What I find incredible is that as you say:
“As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. We are saying to ourselves that we are not enough just being ourselves – that we need to be something else, or something more, to fit in.”
And yet –
“Throughout primary school, high school and even university, my competitiveness in sport was seen as healthy and not at all an addiction. It was considered to be helping me develop self confidence”…”to feel good about myself” …
I see this all the time in schools; parents and teachers saying that kids should be participating in activities and ‘interests’ that they can ‘be good at’ to ‘develop’ ‘self’-‘confidence’.
What you expose here is how the notion of ‘developing’ ‘self- confidence’ is so utterly false and actually the opposite of the truth.
In order for there to be something to ‘develop’, we have to first see where we are already at, as ‘not enough’. The moment we take on that ‘developing’ ‘self confidence’ is via an activity we are ‘good at’ – something external to who we are, or something that has to be developed at all – we are GONE – totally lost – as this is the very moment we do not confirm ourselves as being more than enough just as we are, inside out, but instead take on believing we are not enough…. and yet this is called ‘confidence’!! – Madness! ‘Self’-‘confidence’ is not even commonly what is says it is, and could be called ‘surety in developed abilities outside of me’ – and confirming that what is outside us is who we are – hence it is not really confidence with ‘self’ at all.
Great example Lyndy – and I love “the beauty, funniness, delight and spontaneity that is native to a child’s expression” – very gorgeous and true summary.
Thanks Danielle for this very true and honest article about comparison. How common is this comparison in our society and it drives the hard sport world and the school system. I used to feed comparison with art and comparing myself with other women. I used to be very hard and abusive with myself, too. I have come a long way and now I can look back from a place of inner joy and appreciation for myself that I do not allow this self abusive behaviour anymore.
Such an awesome blog Danielle, exposing our need for recognition. I can feel how it starts at such a young age – we get celebrated and recognised for reaching our normal developmental milestones – and it just escalates from then on. I feel inspired to watch how I might change my voice or the way I dress for someone else, instead of expressing all of me. Thank you.
I would have never looked upon recognition as an addiction until now and like any other addictions it affects some more than others, but when you think about it, are there many without even a hint of it. It seems like recognition is a poor substitute for feeling true love.
Danielle this is a big one, the addiction to recognition. I have come to see how I go into this in my day to day and even when you have had this in your awareness of a pattern that you have and think that has been looked at, deeply looking at it there is still a strong current of recognition at play. Starting to really understand and accept that I am enough just for being the gorgeous person that I am I can see is the only place where I can heal this recognition that I am holding onto.
Danielle your blog stopped me in my tracks. I too have spent a lot of my life needing recognition from a myriad of things I did from many different people including my parents, friends, teachers etc This continual hunger for more recognition ultimately exhausted me and literally took me away from my true self. It is a continual work in progress but I know I have made many great steps forward and reading your blog inspires me to continue to be honest and unravel the nasty side of needing recognition. Which ultimately takes us away from our true selves.
Danielle your blog is very powerful in exposing the truth of competition as it also bleeds into comparison as well. The world is riffe with it and what you have shared leads the way for us to begin to address it as the toxic energy it is.
Great blog Danielle, I can totally relate to what you have said. Some of the more obvious addictions are more easy to see, and deal with because we know they are bad for us and it is impossible to deny that fact. Yet the more insidious hidden ones which have a far more detrimental effect on our lives are harder to let go of and fully see for what they are. Effectively, as was the case for me, I became addicted to getting through life and playing the game best as possible. Life was never about love and bringing love to everything I do. It was about playing the survival game, how can I get through unscathed. It seems ridiculous to say it this way as at the time I was totally enmeshed in it, but it is what I did nonetheless. It was not until I met Serge Benhayon that I allowed myself to fully see the truth of the games I have been playing, and even then it has taken me a while to change these insidious behaviours, which can still easily slip in.
Very needed blog Danielle. I too have been addicted to recognition and competition. I was brought up in a home that saw through competition and championed equality for all. My father even started up a government funded ungraded school that was run without competition amongst the students. But I was already going to another primary school where I fell hook line and sinker for competition! I used it as a protective device right through my life. I still see signs of it happening but I stop and call it out now.
Absolutely Danielle. We will be of ‘help’ to others not by calibrating with them or iimposing on them in some way to make them ‘happy’ but by re-connecting to the beautiful being we are and living that – truly inspiring.
Danielle you have opened up the dialogue on the possibility of many things being addictions that were hitherto not recognized as such. You mention the well-discussed ones: drugs including alcohol (and cigarettes), gambling, sex and certain foods. To this we could add falling in love, relationships, work, church, collecting, TV, texting, social media, skepticism, success, depression, emotionality, computer games, shoes, and a host of other things as well as your ‘new’ one: competition.
Two things pop to mind:
One is that people can be addicted without fitting the usual picture of addiction. An example is when people drink alcohol in ‘moderation’, such as one glass of wine with dinner a few nights a week, and neither they nor anyone else considers them addicted. And yet if it is suggested that they try going without alcohol for a few weeks or months, faces blanch, they get very uncomfortable and they know they won’t be able to do it. They are dependent, therefore addicted.
The second thing that pops to mind is that, in the case of competition, the addiction goes way beyond the person doing the competing. I watch people who are spectators and watchers totally addicted to competitive sports, celebrities, and competitive shows on reality TV, like cooking, relationships, renovation, real estate purchasing and fat loss contests. Spectators are hooked, can’t do without their ‘game’ or ‘show’, and display competitiveness and sometimes violence towards an ‘opposing’ team or personality or their fans.
To date we have tended to single out certain members of the population and called them ‘addicted’. But is it possible that this is a problem for all of us? That addiction to a vast array of things and activities is a thread running through all of society? And if so, why? What is the foundation of it and why do we keep doing it? This I feel is a big question we all need to be seeking to answer, together. I reckon your words: “mostly unhappy because they have not been themselves either, and are looking outside of themselves for any sign or comfort…” are a key to where to begin….
Wanting recognition really holds you back from being in our true expression. I have seen this in myself and also in others. A great blog Danielle.
Danielle what you have shared is taking our understanding of human behaviour to a deeper level and I feel it is very healing for those who recognise or are ready to recognise that many behaviours in life are conditioned around seeking recognition. We are taught from such a young age, both overtly and covertly to ‘be individuals’ and it becomes a habit to keep confirming this to ourselves from how other people perceive us and respond to us. Yet if we are ready to make life about harmony and oneness, than there is much in your blog to support breaking down the subtleties in our behaviour and how they keep us from living our true potential.
Wow, thank you Danielle for starting this conversation, I love how you lead into it, I am sure we can all relate to it too. Why do people climb mountains, want to be presidents, or do things for others at the expense of themselves? When I stop and look, there are so many ways the need for recognition has played out in my own life, the hardness, drive and trying involved in achieving this has been very debilitating. I intend to read this again.
I can so totally relate to the addiction of recognition. When I realised that I had been behaving in ways to be recognised most of my life, I felt a deep sadness. Now with awareness of this I feel it when I go into that old pattern and it does hurt. It feels great to just be me more and more…..feeling how lovely I am without doing anything…..
Awesome blog Danielle. I too was into competitive sport from a very young age. The sole purpose of this I realised later in life was for recognition from my father particularly, and then from any others. I have not seen it as an addiction as such (more as a need) until reading your blog but it makes sense. I had an addiction to getting the pat on the head by my dad when I won a tennis match – this was the only time I had physical contact with him and that propelled me to continually win. So no different to when I was a drug addict, that pat on the head, made me feel better like drugs did and numbed out my lack of worth in that moment.
Absolutely wonderful blog Danielle. You have struck at the roots of an almost invisible noxious plant which grows in the very foundations of our society and how it is run. And most of us can’t see it because we are in it and have sold ourselves to it. Your insightful sentence: ‘I discovered that I learnt to change myself from a very young age by watching others and seeing what made them happy or sad, and how I needed to be to fit in’, shows that you, and all of us are masters at reading energy. And as you imply, how did we use this mastership? To align to something that wasn’t the truth of ourselves! Thank you for sharing your journey with this brilliant break-through.
Your blog made me look at this struggle that I had all my life, of feeling to not fit in, no matter how much I tried to look or behave like others. The problem for me is that I was/ am so hooked on having a clear-cut identification of myself in myself, because I feel so insecure about not fitting in. So, in a way the recognition addiction goes much deeper, it’s my spirit needing to recognize itself.
It is a revelation to expose the craving for recognition as an addiction. The difference with this addiction is that it is hidden from our awareness until we choose to stop and really see it.
Its ground breaking that no one would ever consider competition or recognition to be an addiction that is rooted into every aspect of our lives. The blog has alot to offer, and I am sure that these addictions are the cause of so many of the other patterns of behaviour – like excess sugar, alcohol etc which get used to relieve a permanent tension.
That’s a great and helpful connection to make Simon, that an underpinning addiction to striving for recognition leads us to turn to other addictions to help fuel the first.
So true Simon, sugars and drugs etc. are all to relieve the stress so we do not feel the addiction. I highly recommend this online coarse to anyone. It is very much needed in today’s society with simple practical ways to live in a world full of nervous tension. stresss and anxiety.
http://study.coum.org/enrol/index.php?id=14 Understanding Anxiety in Men
It is amazing that we can seek recognition to be great at things but also to be the victim of circumstances or to not do something that we don’t want to take responsibility for. It has taken me a long time to see the extent of the craving for recognition and I am still uncovering the layers. It has shocked me at times seeing how my behavior has been driven by it. I liked reading about how you have been noticing and exposing the need for recognition in different situations Danielle. Great blog, thank you for writing it.
That’s true. It can be obvious that, say, a person might be seeking recognition in their choice to become PM or be the best opera singer in the world but what about the reverse? It must be equally true that we might seek recognition as a homeless person, or the victim of a crime or terrible disease. What if all these things equally get us the attention / validation we crave? We don’t like to ‘think ill’ of those who might be suffering but is it indeed possible that this is exactly what is happening on one level?
So much to comment on in your blog Danielle, firstly this line here: “We end up living much of our life identified with a certain character or persona to the point that we are no longer our real selves at all. Instead, we become what we have been recognized by” – is a huge reality for almost all of us, certainly for me this ‘illness of recognition’ costs the ‘naturalness of a person’, and in fact this stepping away to become someone (else) for another, is the biggest tension that, not only have I felt in my life, but equally see in my job of Recruiting as being the underlying (true) reason for leaving/quitting a job, and not committing to work, often seen through quick succession of multi-jobs, at times that lead a person to suffer job fatigue or burn out. In this, recognition is a driving insatiable disease…that ends up in the physical body affecting wellness, vitality and the opting in to life itself.
That must be fascinating to see, Zofia, in case study after case study. It’s great when life supplies us with all the evidence we need for the task of understanding people and the nature of human existence. The stories and anecdotes we gather make for wonderful qualitative research outcomes, as much ‘evidence-based’ as a purely scientific, empirical approach.
Danielle, this blog is so revealing and relevant to me and I imagine anyone who reads it will also find numerous little pockets and angles that they can identify with. I know I will be back for a re-read and just keep discovering more each time. In an overall sense what stood out for me was to look at the ways that I have held back my expression in order to feed this addiction for recognition and acceptance. It has led me to do my own chameleon act, adjusting my behaviour to what I perceive is the required persona for a particular situation so as to avoid ruffling the other person’s ‘feathers’ and/or to simply hide when I don’t want to stand out. I know I do have a choice and continuing to work on this addiction is high on my priority list. Thank you.
This cannot be argued with: “As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. “
Great singling out, Oliver. It really does sum it up the whole crazy game that we play. It strikes me also that desire for recognition = lack of self-worth – and lack of self-love and appreciation.
With my competiveness, my view of the world was very limited. I could only place myself beneath or above others, there was no way I could understand and appreciate the equalness and true unity with others. Recognition was what I sought to guarantee a place for me in that narrow viewing of the world – and I totally agree with you Danielle that it truly hurts to spend life chasing after it, mistaking/substituting it for love we have disconnected from.
Your blog Danielle has relevance to everyone living. It peels back right to the core and exposes the way we have strayed from our most precious natural selves. Recognition is drilled into the young children by schools and parents as it is believed that this is success, which it is in one form, but it is at the expense of giving our power away and the beginning or seed that produces behaviours in later life that will cause untold misery because we are just not good enough…the beginning of the dis-ease of self worth.
Good point Aimee. ” This definitely rocks the foundations of motivational groups that promote and encourage competitiveness through striving to be the best and get up in the world.” If we set ourselves up to rely on recognition from outside of ourselves we are forever living at the mercy of the world when alternatively we could be appreciating who we truly are in essence and be untouched by the whims of others and breaking the control that this addiction holds us in.
A real revelation to think that we’re a society of complete recognition addicts, just with different ‘poisons’ to give some variety to the choice. But what irony that the very recognition we crave outside ourselves is from people who are busy focusing on getting it for themselves from elsewhere. It’s so true that we hurt deeply when we abandon ourselves to an external marker of self worth, one we’ve made bigger than the true nature of who we really are within.
It is amazing when we take an honest look at ourselves, to see just how many addictions we have, as you have written Danielle, there are the obvious ones everyone knows about, but the more insidious ones require a depth of honesty that is simply not common. Among others, I can feel how addicted I am to my lack of self worth, I break free of my addiction and live the joy and love that I am, then something happens and I drop straight back into my default position and there is a ‘comfort’ in that, it is so familiar to me. It was easier to give up a 25 year dope addiction!
Danielle, this is a great article and a wonderful uncovering of an unrecognised (!) addiction. It leaves us in a state of constant anxiousness, uncertain of whether we are good enough, constantly looking outside ourselves to confirm that we are okay, seeking any sort of recognition to achieve, to fit in, or to be special because we’re different. It truly is a subtle and insidious addiction.
One of the silent addictions that is continually rewarded and something that has not been acknowledged. Very exposing blog, Danielle. It is true that as we seek recognition it gets in the way of another knowing the truth of who we are and reinforces the cycle of chasing re-connection to only keep building a wall that ensues we stay locked out. Thanks Danielle – there is much to ponder here.
Hi Adele, I championed the way I could ‘adapt’ myself in situations or groups and be everybody’s friend. I thought this meant I was easy to get along with and not too stuck in any way of being, I was stuck, just not in an obvious way, which as Danielle’s blog alludes to can be worse than knowing you have a problem, as there is no support offered, only praise. This way of being runs so thick in me that I have to physically stop myself from standing and talking like people I am interacting with. It is an addiction to be accepted by others and I am loving having fun with observing this and seeing how long I can be me across a day without submitting to the pull that wants me to give up and just go with what in front of me.
I can so relate to this Danielle. Who wouldn’t? The degree we twist ourselves to fit in -even how what and when we eat, is quite incredible. Our natural way of living is obliterated with must do’s or that’s not cool, we very quickly work out what is not cool. The need to be liked and recognised is far far more insidious than we will even know. Great blog, great to start looking at the ways we deny our true feeling in favour of what will mean we are accepted, liked, told we are enough, recognised as someone of worth.
That is super important Danielle, I can really see how this addiction to be recognised affects most of us, until we really become aware of it, and until we truly re-connect to who we are, already awesome, just for being ourselves. Coming from that deep inner knowing, that we are enough already, we don’t need to bend backwards – so to speak – to get ‘recognised’ and ‘accepted’.
A great question to ask ourselves Danielle – ‘ I have started to expose any need for recognition by observing myself in certain situations, or with different people. I ask myself, do I change certain characteristics about me, the language I use, the tone in my voice, or the way I dress and what I am willing to do and say?’
To be good or to open up to my divine nature? That is the question I eventually came to through the teachings of Universal Medicine. Thereafter, the addiction to recognition has been on a downward, exiting spiral.
What a great question Coleen. “To be good or to open up to my divine nature?” I spent a lot of time trying to be good and please others but now see that I was leaving myself behind “trying,” to be good. Opening up to our divine nature is naturally who we are and recognition takes as far away from that.
Yes Coleen, Universal Medicine has presented another way of being and recognition is losing its insidious hook and appeal and a new way forward is being paved, one with love and no need to be recognised or identified by what we do. I can imagine recognition will linger for some time because it has been there for so long, many (myself included) wouldn’t know they were in fact choosing that way of being. It is awesome that people are becoming aware of it and making a commitment to choose another way
“I have started to expose any need for recognition by observing myself in certain situations, or with different people. I ask myself, do I change certain characteristics about me, the language I use, the tone in my voice, or the way I dress and what I am willing to do and say?”
What a great study to undertake Danielle, very inspiring! I find that this need for recognition sneaks in and can overtake what initially feels like a joyful connection, where I am with me. The recognition swoops in even in mid sentence and take a joyful moment to one of excitement. It can also take me from appreciation to jealousy. The line is fine between what feels like two completely different worlds. The trick is not to contract when I feel how awful this feels. I now understand the need for recognition has never been a part of my natural expression and the more I deeply appreciate what I bring through living my natural loving way the divide that has allowed such trickery to play out in my body is bridged and lessened with this ongoing commitment to be all that I am in this world.
The obsession for recognition is a massive part in everyone’s lives that I know, wether that be for playing dumb when they are not, being a show off and many more things to induce attention and recognition. This is a game that i once and sometimes still play in. And as you said Danielle, it is an addiction that many are hooked on.
“As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are”. The craving for recognition is such a central part of our lives but a craving that can never be truly satisfied. When we attached ourselves to being a particular persona we limit our very potential for the greatness that we already are. The pursuit of recognition is relentless and exhausting. Thank you Danielle for exposing the futility of it all.
This is great Danielle that you write about the need to be recognised and the very harming effects. I spent my life trying to be recognised, so much so that I would force my body to do many things that it really didn’t want to do and as a result created illness. Thankfully with the tools and continual esoteric healing sessions that are available as well as the courses, workshops and presentations from Universal Medicine and the changes I make in my own life I am seeing (and feeling) that it’s more than OK to be me.
A brilliant article on how wanting to be recognised for a skill, a way of being or talking or acting or looking and so on is so everyday normal for most people that we do not realise that who we think we are is not really who we are at all.
Gorgeous Adele… ‘I am now in the rehab program and my body is cleaning up and strengthening beautifully day by day…’.
An awesome and very honest account Danielle. Ahh, yes the addiction of needing to be recognised, I can put my hand up to that one. It’s interesting how it plays out and I love how you share that for you a big part of it was through sport, yet we champion sport as a good thing to do, however, how many people are doing it for that very reason – to be recognised? If we are able to within ourselves begin to look at all the patterns and all the ways and things we have done to seek recognition, we can then start to see that indeed it is a form of addiction and that it keeps us less and not being truly who we are. It’s ironic that we seek recognition to be something other than who we are, only because we haven’t accepted the magnificence of who we each already are.
Danielle Thank you for the honesty and truth in how your shared this addiction to recognition. It has run through every strand of my life and the clear and simple way you speak about it reminds me of just how thick in the need for recognition I was, the great steps I’ve made for myself with the support of Serge benhayon and Universal Medicine and also the areas I can still feel the need for recognition and how I react or respond. I see why the addiction to recognition is one of the worst addictions our society faces.
Danielle, addicted to recognition? Not something I’ve considered, but your opening of the subject gives room to ponder on this more. And as I write I can see that one of my recognisable identities was ‘the calm one’ and ‘one who listened’. This belied the fact that at times I was full of anxiousness, and not calm at all. I guess I was addicted to keeping up the facade. Thankfully now if I feel anxious I am not afraid to express this to others.
Thank you Danielle for writing about such an insidious addiction, one that affects us all. We all have this addiction to some extent, and we all live with people who have this addiction also… and the way that you have so clearly explained it – it hurts us when we are not ourselves, and it hurts others too. The more we connect with ourselves and live life guided by our own impulses, rather than the need for recognition, the more we bring truth to our relationships, and can inspire each other to live more of ourselves every day.
Fantastic sharing, thank you Danielle. Great how you exposed the harm of the drive for recognition, something that is often praised and encouraged and not seen for what it really is. What strikes me is how much effort and energy we can put into seeking this recognition and how exhausting that is. Whereas accepting our love and expressing from that place feels much more fulfilling and vital.
Yes quite true Fiona, being addicted to anything, a person, substance, work or a job for example causes depletion, fatigue or exhaustion.
Recognition Addict: addicted to not being who we naturally are, and so possibly the worst and most ruinous addiction to have.
I don’t think that there is a person in the world that could not relate to that blog if they are completely honest with themselves. I love how you open up one of the worlds most insidious issues for discussion. Thanks for sharing Danielle, very enjoyable article.
So true Sarah, What Danielle is offering cuts very close to the bone of what we have all been asked to comply with, live by and respond to. The addiction of recognition comes with such subtle form ‘gateway’ behaviours, like choosing a career, hobby, partner etc All the things that are a ‘normal’ part of life but when we do it to please, to be seen, to be special, we have bought into the recognition game.
I absolutely 100% agree Joel and love the way you have worded this comment. The recognition game has so many players it can be difficult to navigate at times. I have found the more you deepen and develop a connection to yourself the easier it is to recognise the recognition, pun intended!
The word insidious does really capture this. Sport and competition is rallied and championed every day – it is completely normalised out in the world, while the energy of this eats away at our very Soul; its not being seen for the damage it truly does to our society, our families and especially our bodies.
Really worth considering that being addicted to recognition is something that permeates and eats away at the whole fabric of our society. As Sarah says this must surely affect everyone and it is revelatory Danielle to see that recognition is not all about being the best, it may be self destructive behaviours. Not needing recognition is not something I have much experience of but the glimpses I have experienced felt incredible, very freeing and joyous.
Yes very true sarahraynebaldwin. The need for recognition seems like an epidemic. We learn all the behaviours to fit a mould of being good or perfect or seen in a certain way, which stop us from just resting in ourselves.
Yes, definitely an epidemic Annie those certain ways we want to be seen can play out as being identify as the larrikin, the high school drop out, the party good times gal, especially in Australian culture. Growing up in my high school you got more recognition for being a badass than you did for being good.
Yes Sarah – the recognition goes across the board, whatever the role or part we are identifying with – the ‘badass’ the ‘good girl’, ‘the sports hero’ ‘the drop out’ ‘the rebel’ ‘ the school prefect’ ‘the nice girl’ all of it FALSE.
Pleasure sarahraynebaldwin it was actually very enjoyable to write, because I was only calling out a part of my life that is not in fact a me!
Thats a beautiful thing Danielle, if we were all objective enough to know this as a truth life would be a lot simpler.
I totally agree Sarah, and it is such a powerful realisation Danielle writes, “I see that it hurts me to change who I am to try and fit in or to make other people happy”.
Totally agree Sarah. Who can’t relate to this? And as others have said, it is an encouraged way of being in society and we learn this from the get go. We know if we run really fast, faster than the others, we’ll get a blue ribbon that says we are number 1, and everyone will think we are great. If we do really well on our maths test, we will get an A+, and mum and dad will be so happy. If we work overtime or volunteer to take on more work than we can probably handle then the boss will recognise we’re good employees etc etc. The drive is incessant.
Yes Sarahraynebaldwin, and it is an interesting point that as a ‘drug’ recognition is so much more readily available than hard drugs are on the street. The fact that recognition is an almost in-built ‘given’ upon which the whole society operates and celebrates madly, and the fact that one doesn’t have to go out a pay money for it, makes it all the more insidious. It is a root cause of the reason why we may feel we need to numb ourselves down with substances we have to pay for.
I agree Sarahraynebaldwin, everyone at some level or another has used recognition to get him or her through life. That is of course until they re-connect to their own essence and start living from that place. Then and only then does this need for recognition leave.
Yes, Elizabeth, that is true and I totally agree with you, ‘re-connection’ is definitely the antidote but from my experience recognition can be sneaky in that it can be recurring, it has owned so many of us for so long that just when we think we have ‘healed’ it , there seems to be another layer.
Yes. Thank you for exposing an addiction so embedded in life that it affects everyone. Being willing to be honest about it is a huge and beautiful step towards putting ourselves back in the driving seat.
I agree Amelia and the more honest we are on this subject the more likely we are to truly heal it in ourselves, as you can think that you are over it and then it appears again only more insidious each time.
Wow Danielle, I never would have thought recognition as an addiction, but I can see what you mean. If I feel insecure and disconnected to myself I develop a learned behavior that gets me recognized, and any form of recognition is my goal, even being bad achieves this because I get attention. This need for recognition runs my life, and every decision I make feeds this false picture of myself that I have invented. Because there is no true self in any of this self-created illusion, I might re invent myself another different way to get recognized before I realize it does not work. I have to dig deeper within myself to a place where we are all a united humanity. I found that through Universal Medicine I have built a loving solid connection with myself, and trust my own intuition rather than allowing myself to be manipulated in the world. I can just be the true me without the addiction of recognition.
It’s so true – we are like addicts moving from one hit of recognition to another – gleaning whatever attention we can from outside of ourselves to fill the emptiness of not being who we truly are. Like all addictions it is a vicious cycle that can’t be broken until you realise that you are in it and consciously start to make more loving choices. The question is how willing are we to live who we truly are? Or is recognition still just satisfying or comfortable enough to keep us hooked in for the next round?
What a great point you make. It is a vicious cycle and one that can only be broken when you consciously know you are stuck in it. This addiction for many would be very difficult to call out let alone to admit. Other addictions are easy to see and know. Recognising you had an addiction to recognition would be a leap in the right direction to begin with. Once there is an awareness of the pattern, then it can be truly healed.
Thank you for starting this much needed conversation. It is so accepted that we do things for recognition that nobody sees it for the incredibly harmful addiction it is. As you have shared, to seek addiction we have to leave ourselves so much that in the end we don’t know who we are. Like Pavlov’s dogs we just respond on autopilot to any situation where we might be able to get a crumb of recognition, thinking that is who we are. Sport is a great example of this. We champion the fitness, confidence, team aspects of sport but do not consider that by nature we would never want to compete or harm another.
I just loved reading about the horrors of recognition – thank you Danielle for bringing to the public awareness of the existence of this human activity, yet alone the concept it is one of society’s most addictive activities. Recognition is insidious and the root cause of many of society’s ills. In a nutshell it perpetuates the individual to live with self as the main driver in daily interactions, annihilating any chance of true brotherhood.
So true ginadunlop – and devastating when put like this. Living in a constant state of recognition and separation from each other feels so exhausting and explains anxiety too. Constantly needing to check if we are doing the “right” thing – looking a certain way, saying something appropriate and being good at what we are doing. What a blessing to know and have felt that there is another way! When we appreciate ourselves for who we are and appreciate everyone else equally for who they are – there is no need for competition or recognition. Life is so much more simple – and less exhausting – when lived in this way.
Absolutely Gina. Recognition is the root cause of a myriad of ills and because it is so insidious, many can’t begin to heal what they in truth can’t see as an addiction or an ill in the first place. It has been a very useful tool to keep us separated and one that will take a long time to evolve from. Blogs like these though are brining awareness to a way of living that has never truly served us and has caused great harm.
Reading your words Danielle, I got a real sense of how much we actually champion recognition. It is not just normal but held up and worshipped in a way as the ultimate pinnacle we should aspire to. When you consider that it can also play out in addiction to illness, poverty or conflict, still giving us that hit of recognition, is it not time for us to admit that recognition addiction is a huge worldwide disease?
This turns the word addiction upside down as it invites a much deeper consideration of what we are really addicted to. The addiction to physical substances could now be viewed as a way to cope with the much deeper addictions and behaviors that can happen hundreds of times a day. In fact, when we consider the behaviors that take us away from who we are, we actually have access to these ‘drugs’ 24/7 – anytime, anywhere we can draw upon any addictive behavior we want.
Agree Vicky Geary, and plus also the addiction to identification is the actual root or real addiction that we’re not honest enough to be looking at, and what arises the physical substance addictions that are viewed as the issue. They are an issue, but are not the root, and act more like a layer of grease that sits on top with blurry sight or vision. In this sense such addictions could even be some sort of scapegoat.
Now that’s taking it to another level Zofia! Looking beyond the addiction or addictive behaviour, there can be a pushing away of self-responsibility i.e. the behaviour due to the addiction. The grease is a great analogy – we need to look beyond it.
What you talk about here Danielle is huge — there is the addiction everyone is aware of such as taking harmful substances etc, but what is conveniently ignored is a much more widespread addiction that affects most if not all of us. To let go of recognition is to let go of a massive addiction, as underneath the longing to be recognised, liked, approved of etc is the longing to simply be ourselves. It’s so worthwhile going there, and when we do, all other forms of addictions can pale away as well, because the truth is that all addictions come from this longing for recognition.
I agree completely Katerina. Trying to address an addiction like alcohol or drug abuse, or even food addiction or gambling without first addressing the need for recognition is like trying to stop a boat from sinking by emptying out the water with a bucket but not first filling the whole that the water is leaking through. No matter how hard we try to remove the water, there’s more always pouring in and the boat continues to sink.
Danielle what you have shared here is truly groundbreaking as well as confronting for many. I feel it addresses the motivation for many of our choices. Personally I used to be super addicted to being seen as the best mother, daughter and friend as I realised I didn’t feel enough just being myself. Like you with the support of Universal Medicine I have let much of my need to be recognised go as well as the awareness to caught it when it rears its ugly head as it now feels so awful to be in it.
Awesome piece of writing Danielle. This is a great addiction to bring light to as i know it has pervaded every part of my life as I grew up. It was normal to ‘present’ yourself in a certain way according to who, what and when. Value was placed on the ‘what you do’ not the ‘who you are’, so the inner qualities that I naturally hold were not seen or valued as opposed to what i could do. I did not hold or value these qualities myself and it has only been through the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I am choosing to bring the all of me as a constant.
Being addicted to competition and being competitive are unhealthy and harmful to relationships and affect our ability to be open and equal with others. Worse still and underlying this competitiveness is the need to be recognised for our achievements. While there are actually motivational groups that feed this addiction of getting noticed by our competitiveness there is very little in the way of help to overcome it. It seems that many school teachers push children to achieve for their own recognition of achievement. It is insidious.
Hey Danielle, thank you for this open sharing. My addiction in the category ‘recognition’ is to be liked. Since my early childhood I have been liked by kindergarten teachers, school teachers and other adults. First it was my natural essence and expression but soon I realized what I have to deliver to be liked. I was not calculating or consciously manipulating, it just happened that I calibrated what I spoke and my behavior. Then there were times were I was deliberately ‘nasty’, but the recognition came with this in that these people still liked me. Being liked was an important part in my life later with friends, bosses, colleagues etc. But this recognition is worth nothing as I gave myself up and I needed a long time to realize this and to develop back to who I truly am. Still not 100% there, but quite good on my way. Hope you ‘like’ my comment.. ha ha not just kidding! 🙂
I feel we can all relate to needing recognition Sonja, in so many different ways, thank you for sharing what it is for you – to be liked. I love a comment that someone else shared earlier that the need for recognition, or in your case to be liked is just us looking for love. So it’s difficult to stop unless we truly begin to love ourselves first, and live in way that honours this. This was a great ah ha moment for me, as obvious as it is, this makes complete sense – address the lack of love, and the behaviour naturally stops.
“The addiction I am referring to is recognition; that is, being seen or identified for some particular characteristic, skill, ability or activity.” It’s great you raise this as a point of conversation Danielle. To look for recognition for a developed skill is something that is so normal it is not questioned. We have built the world to function this way and we need to question what we have laid out for ourselves and ask if this really supports us in our livingness.
The antidote of recognition is True Love. How many people do actually Truly Love themselves while ‘doing’ life. I still have got to accept in full that only when I am connected with me (body and heart), when I actually feel my own lovely warmth flowing through me, I am not looking for recognition. And I do agree in full that this is not much discussed in society. It’s almost, where do we start… There’s so much recognition, really. Our jobs, our clothes, our house, our way we express, what we cook, what we look like, our husbands and wifes, our children, our education, our poorness, our sicknesses, etc. etc. Wow, there’s much to be discussed and talked about. It’s even more that I actually allready knew there was. It’s a B I G topic. Thank you Danielle for starting the conversation!
Thank you Marika and Danielle for linking recognition and competitiveness. I have quickly acknowledged my need to recognition, even though there are layers of this that need to be exposed. But I have always thought of myself as non-competitive. I can see how labelling myself as such is actually stopping me from being with the fact that I have been very competitive. I can see that this is something that I need to sit with.
Reblogged this on florisvanderschot's Blog and commented:
#Recognition, society’s biggest #addiction. Far more hidden than the obvious ones as #gambling, #sex, #drinking, #drugs, etc. They are discussed in society. But the fact that everyone’s seeking recognition is something that we don’t discuss. Probably because we don’t want to own up. At least I can speak for myself. I’m only just starting to be aware of how much and when I am looking for recognition. When I’m honest, most of the time… Except when being connected with me.
I had never considered it an addiction either Amita. I am really pleased that Danielle has exposed this, for if I look at my own behaviours I can clearly see that needing recognition is an addiction. I agree it does makes sense. I can see how living a life, driving myself from that need for recognition from outside of myself rather than living a life connected to me and living from my inner most (where there is no need for recognition) is a major addiction.
A truly powerful blog that discards the illusion that most of us are or have been living by. Recognition is what our lives and our societies are built on, it is the norm. It is time this is being exposed for the immense addiction that it is. And it is for each and everyone of us to choose whether we want to keep playing this irresponsible game – or not. Thank you Danielle.
Thank you Danielle. I have been addicted to recognition too. In fact it’s been so deeply imbedded, that there are aspects of this that I only identified yesterday. There is the obvious being recognised for what I am qualified for, the unusual study or work I have done or events I have attended. I asked myself yesterday why a particular behaviour continues, even though I know that It’s harmful to me. What came to me was that I needed recognition for it. It’s really crazy when I think about it that I would need recognition for something that I am harming myself with but I can see too that simply changing something does’t mean that the underlying behaviour has been healed. I can feel here how really uncovering this in a way that supports my self-worth is what is going to heal this need for recognition. For when I live me in full, there is no need for anything.
“As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are.” How true this is Danielle. And the more stopping and observing we choose the more the devil of recognition will show up in very small details. I’ve had the same understanding with identification. If I identify with even the smallest detail out side of myself I’ve given my power to that situation and left behind everything that I am, which to me is the natural innate ability to fully understand what the situation is.
I can very much relate to being a chameleon – changing myself to fit in to whatever situation/company I was in. I came to understand it was a need for recognition too but also an incredibly manipulative way to be – if we are so good at reading people that we can change ourselves to fit into any situation there is complete dishonesty in that. You’re so right Danielle, it’s also an addiction, and like all addictions will be fuelled by us at any cost, even if that means being dishonest with and manipulative of everyone, even those closest to us.
I totally know what you are talking about Lucy. Searching for recognition is the same addiction like smoking drugs.
Being a chameleon could perhaps be another form of addiction – the addiction of protection. How we change to fit in so we are not seen. How we change to avoid others reactions. All from a need to not get hurt or have our hurts exposed – the addiction.
I agree Marika, striving to be recognised creates separation in relationships as we are always too busy thinking how to outdo or stand out from another, when all we have to do is just be our natural selves and feel how we are connected and same in essence.
“I discovered that I learnt to change myself from a very young age by watching others and seeing what made them happy or sad, and how I needed to be to fit in.” I feel most people would relate to this as we tend to morph ourselves into something we are not that makes us play small and feel safe or protected from our hurts so we end up living a small percentage of the amazingness and beauty we were as kids, as you have shared having that level of understanding about why we chose that allow us to express more from our whole bodies and what feels true for us and not needing to go into the head to express in order to fit in or be recognised. Thank you
This article is brilliant, it absolutely breaks the thoughts we have about what is addiction, I love that you have bought this awareness to this subject Danielle. Like any addiction it is not about abstaining but rather building the feeling of love from within.
Well said Vanessa, it’s something we try to do all the time is take away the behaviour but using Danielle as an example, she could take away her obsession of exercise but still hold onto the addiction to exercise and seeing as there are many, many other ways to receive recognition, she wouldn’t even stop to think she has not healed her addiction. Not saying that is her because she is aware on this but that’s how it could potentially be… for many others.
This is a great article indeed; the addiction Danielle was referring to was recognition, being seen or identified for some particular characteristic, skill, ability or activity. That can be seen with so many people in the sport industry. Everyone is looking for the same love but it can’t be found when this love is searched for outside of oneself and not within.
Thats all it needs, I agree, to build the feeling of love from within.
I love what you share Vanessa about building a feeling of love within, to truly deal with the need for recognition for once and all, not just try to stop the behaviour. I actually know this all too well, as I have been aware for a number of years that I have been so attached to being seen or recognised or accepted, and I’ve done everything possible to ‘try’ and stop it, because I know it feels horrible. But no matter what it was a behaviour that I would always find myself in, before I even knew it, and often I wouldn’t even know it. It’s only recently that I’ve realised the only way to stop it is to begin to love and adore myself, and in fact recognise my self as the gorgeous woman that I am, and accept and honour this. Once I’m recognising myself in such a light then there is not one part of me that even considers looking outside of myself for recognition. So the need for recognition just stops, without me even trying to stop it. Love it!
Prior to reading this article I didn’t appreciate the extent to which we seek recognition and, without realising, how it becomes a part of almost everything we do. “…we become what we have been recognised by..”
Very powerful. Thanks Danielle.
Thank you Danielle. Yes I agree it is an addiction but one that we do not call an addiction because we see it as normal and as a development every human being has to go through to be ready for life and being able to cope. But how wrong we are with that one. We are born so complete and beautiful how can we even think we need to be pressed into a different form to be made fit for life. Why do we never question that and think the other way round, instead being inspired by the preciousness, tenderness, exquisiteness of a baby and asking ourselves to surrender to this beauty that we know also lives within us. And, making every choice thereafter a choice that honours this tenderness, preciousness and exquisiteness in all of us.
I loved the reference you’ve made to surrendering to the beauty or delicateness of a baby and knowing we are all of this still also. This makes sense because we could never imagine a baby looking outside of itself to see how it needs to be, or to compete with another baby – it’s even crazy to visualise this.
Yes that is a funny visual because babies are just so glorious for just being there. I can see the search for recognition happening at such a very young age though. Because of this happening it makes sense why the behaviour intensity is increasing in young children today, Someone needs to be teaching a new way, because they are picking up on it through the people around them.
The home environment that children grow up in really has a huge effect on what behaviours they act on. It’s interesting to consider the possibility of reincarnation and karma, and the overall effect this may have on why a child is where it is.
It makes recognition and competition look ridiculous when you show it in this light. How very exposing of the harm of recognition is taking us away from this delicateness and tenderness that is innate in us all.
This is great Lee, you’re brining home the fact of the harm of the need for recognition and the responsibility we all have to love ourselves enough to choose to not go into comparison and the need for recognition to prove our worth or our value.
Great point Esther and Danielle. We are so held in the belief that the qualities that babies hold are unique and exclusive to them that we think we cannot ever be and live in that state again when we get older. What an enormous gift to know and have felt that what we had inside us then is still inside us now. It is just a choice as to whether we choose to listen to what’s inside or whether we choose not to, listening to what is on the outside and therefore prescribe to the addiction of recognition.
Esther Andras that’s a good point you have touched on regarding addiction and recognition ” as a development every human being has to go thorough to be ready for life and being able to cope” we are so far away from knowing who we are we have to become someone, so we set about building a persona that we become recognised by. Never considering we don’t have to do that we already are unique, if only we took the time to get to know ourselves!
‘Surrender’ is a key word when I read this response Esther, and I have come to learn its importance in my everyday life too. Often I get caught up in the doing, the trying, when actually there is no need, for if I surrender to myself and into all that I am, I have it all already, and can do whatever is necessary in that moment.
Thank you so much Danielle for this wonderful blog, that allowed me to realize how my need for recognition is nothing more than the sum of all moments in my life where I do not recognize myself and appreciate myself for all that I am and all that I bring to this world, where I hold myself back or make myself small.
If I am living myself in full there is not even a thought about being recognised or not.
I agree Michael. When I am living myself in full there is only a feeling of grace – love and understanding for all.
‘My need for recognition is nothing more than the sum of all moments in my life where I do not recognize myself and appreciate myself for all that I am and all that I bring to this world’, I loved that Michael, I had to repeat it 🙂
Great sharing, Danielle. Given the fact that all addictions come from an emptiness, I presume, the addiction to recognition comes from a lack of self-love. And to me it appears as if almost all humanity carries this addiction.
That could well be true Felix, and as Danielle says, it’s the fact that our desire for recognition is seen as normal or even as something to be encouraged that is so insidious because we just go along with it and don’t even recognise it as an addiction. It’s great to have it exposed as such, for once it is seen for what it is this awareness will bring different choices that are not motivated by the need to be someone.
Well said Felix, if the world is suffering from a lack of self-love and hence living with an emptiness then we are all looking for something to fill that emptiness and when we get recognition it’s like for that moment we feel full and whole but once that moment goes away we’re empty again. I would say so many people in the world experience this on varying degrees.
The topic you raise here Danielle is profound. It is incredible how much we loose ourselves through this process you are describing to the extend that we firmly believe we are this other person we have become. The return to our true selves therefore can be quite a journey, but it is crucial for our health and our well-being and it is definitely worth it.
So true Judith. We become lost when we chase recognition. Returning to ourselves and knowing that we are enough is very liberating.
Yes, that is one big hidden addiction. And is seen as the thing to do in society to be recognised and an individual. I can feel how as I have been doing this for most of my life, how destructive it is to knowing who I truly am. But luckily when making more self loving choices, it is actually very easy to reconnect to that which is the true you.
What a great topic you are raising here, Danielle. It is indeed an addiction but not seen as one because, lets be honest, who on this world does not need recognition… Only a very few…
A really awesome revelation- thank you, Danielle.
It’s true steffihenn everyone at one stage or another (more often than not) have needed recognition, and the evil partis that we don’t even know we are locked into this cycle. It’s like a matrix that we get lost in, because all of life is set up to seek love through recognition. It’s in our education system, politics, science, religion, sport, media, parenting – the works. How difficult is it to see the truth when the falseness is plastered around us in every part of life, from the moment we are held or looked at as a young child.
Absolutely, it is a huge revelation. While I was reading I was wondering what the big addiction was going to be and it took me a bit by surprise when I read that it was recognition. Not what I expected. But such an honest way to look at and understand what recognition truly is.
Thank you Danielle and yes its so true, we are addicted to recognition and so much so that it is rarely seen as a problem and never, ever regarded as something that seriously affects our health and well-being. I too have definitely been a recognition addict and only in these past few years of my life have I really been able to identify and begin to address it. And you are correct, when the need for recognition kicks in, we will do anything to alter, adapt, achieve, compete or co-erce ourselves in order to be recognised, which is not only very exhausting but ends up creating a completely fake image that does not support us in any way, shape or form.
Recognition, identification, role models, it is all placing ourselves into a mould we simply were never meant to fit and it is deeply crippling for us to do so. Not only because it is not who we truly are but also because it can have massive impacts on our health and true well-being and vitality over time. Our very purpose in life is driven by recognition – self – and this creates an enormous tension and drain on our bodies. I have found living from love and true purpose to be deeply rewarding for all, not just me, not to mention deeply stilling in the body regardless of all that goes on around me.
Danielle this is a powerful piece of blogging. Exposing the addiction that is crippling humanity and also offering the healing of this addiction. The return to expressing one’s self in full. Stunning Danielle – thank you!
I agree Simone – Danielle’s expression here in this article has a clear bell like ring to it, as it reveals and exposes as you say “the addiction that is crippling humanity”. I found that the blog in its truth has one reflecting on where one is currently participating in some way in this “addiction” of competitiveness.
Hi Danielle, what an awesome piece of writing – I have been aware lately of how often I say yes to doing something to help people out – so I can be seen as the one who is useful to have around. I am really good at organising and pulling things together – but when I do it for approval or acceptance it immediately creates a lot of anxiety within, because suddenly the whole task becomes loaded and bigger than it needs to be.
Danielle, thank you for so clearly laying out the evil of what we do to ourselves in order to get recognition. I recognised so much in what you say, how I observed people with a view to fitting into and wanting to be recognised for it. And of course it never really worked, the more I got the more I wanted or what I got wasn’t from the right people or for the right thing. It’s constant and to be honest it still runs in my life, as you say we’ve built our societies on it and it’s considered normal; but it’s evil. It leads us to change who we are, to ignore what we feel, and in our emptiness we are lost, the truth is we’re missing the true us, that seed within and that search without for recognition is no substitute.
As soon as we change our natural expression to fit in and gain recognition a little piece of us is lost. The ill behaviour of recognition addiction is a great call Danielle and I loved reading your blog and feeling how insidious this addiction really is.
You describe well how deeply we crave recognition, and it starts so young, that many of us we lose touch with who we are, but thankfully we can come back.
I love how humble you are Marika when you say “I don’t feel I have fully detached from recognition” I can say the same, as bit by bit layers of needs for recognition, for the most ridiculous things are continuing to unfold. The layers of these needs show’s the layers I have allowed around myself to not be me.
“I see that it hurts me to change who I am to try and fit in or to make other people happy, which is impossible anyway, because they are mostly unhappy because they have not been themselves either, and are looking outside of themselves for any sign or comfort to feel better about themselves. So, in fact, by me being myself, I can inspire others to feel the answers are within and they too can let themselves out.” This is brilliant Danielle. I have noticed that I have had some varying reactions since I have been more forthcoming with my views on certain topics. Sometimes I even doubt that I should have said the things I did because I could feel the ripples they caused at the time. More and more I am accepting and appreciating that I can speak my truth even though it might go against the popular opinions or norms in society. I feel that we have become so complacent and are accepting so much that is so fundamentally wrong and actually harmful in society. We are allowing a disastrous decline in morals and ethics, choosing to not look at the harm that is so obviously under our noses – and to speak up, not for recognition but because it feels natural to speak up and say how it truly is.
We separate from love and in this separation sense a yearning and a loss so deep it feels as if a great big gaping hole has opened up within us. We then walk around seeking to fill this void with anything and everything, so as not to feel the nature of our loss. When we are full to the brim with these substitutes for love, we are suitably numb. The fillers we choose will vary from person to person. For some it is the obvious; alcohol, drugs, food, sex, gambling, fighting and for others it is the less obvious; emotions, drama, recognition, entertainment, sport, doing ‘good’…the list goes on. All there as massive bandaids to plug the ‘hole’ that we feel when we choose to not live the love that we are.
You raise a great point Danielle – that our bodies are suffering a whole host of addictions that our minds are fuelling under the guise that they are ‘good’ for us. This is indeed the greater evil, for these are not addictions that look you in the eye and say ‘you know I’m bad for you but have me anyway’, these are addictions that whisper in your ear and say ‘you’re doing great. Good thing you are so healthy, better go for another run’. And thus they are insidious to the core, for we champion and condone the evil that is at play here.
It’s true – society does feed and foster competitiveness and individuality, to the point of addiction and at the expense of our inherently sensitivity and euqalness.
“We end up living much of our life identified with a certain character or persona to the point that we are no longer our real selves at all. Instead, we become what we have been recognized by, trying to fit into certain criteria or categories that we have allocated in our mind.” And this way of living is exhausting – it is a constant striving (often for perfection) to be more for the outside world…whereas there is so much more within us if only we dare venture there.
Very true Paula. It is an exhausting striving for perfection, such a trap that we fall for. It entices but doesn’t deliver what the fulfilment we crave.
This is fabulous Danielle and so true, yet I had never thought of recognition being an addiction.
This part resonated with me, ‘As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. We are saying to ourselves that we are not enough just being ourselves – that we need to be something else, or something more, to fit in.’ It sums it up nicely and leaves no grey area. Thank you.
Addiction to recognition mmm… Lack of self worth is at the bottom of any recognition that I seek or have sought. When we finally come to understand that each and every one of us is already complete and that life is about the blossoming and expressing our unique and irreplaceable part of this universe, then recognition will be of just that, not of our perceived deficits and the comparison and competition this sets up to manipulate and corrupt the truth of who we are – Love.
As an addiction recognition is insidious because it can be there in any given moment – it’s possible to have no conscious thought around it unlike an addiction to cigarettes, alcohol, etc. where there is a choice to be made. Thank you for bringing awareness to this Danielle.
Addiction to recognition would have to have the highest rates of sufferers, as most of us have grown up learning that that’s where the love is. It is so great to have this top addiction exposed as you have done Danielle, to reflect upon the areas or ways in which we may be performing for a particular outcome, instead of being with ourself in full, in all and whatever we may do for the simple joy in feeling what that feels like.
Yes Giselle – I suspect that probably every single one of us on this planet has fallen for this illusion – the substitution of recognition for love. We settle for it because it is the next best thing to what we know we are not getting from another or giving to ourselves although the chasm between what the two are, are worlds apart. We live in constant tension because living for recognition even if we deny we are doing so, feels so totally wrong and hurtful.
Oh Yes, Danielle the mother of all addictions the addiction to recognition. I can see how I manipulated recognition simply by being the placid one in the family when I was growing up. Being whatever was needed to kept the peace which was just another form of identification and need for recognition.
In hindsight it all seems rather clear – when we get grumpy because we can’t have our daily dose of whatever – even exercise! – then we are definitely talking about addiction.
Oh brilliantly nailed Gabriele!
What’s interesting is the idea that we all want to fit in and be accepted, yet when we do this it’s not us that is accepted as we haven’t presented this, we have presented a version we think people want, so its not us that is recognised but the picture of us that is our facade.
So true Kristy, unless we show our real self, we will never experience being accepted as who we truly are.
We don’t even know ourselves who we are and therefore cannot accept ourselves either. It is like being imprisoned without knowing that you are.
Wow Danielle, I had never viewed recognition as an addiction before but the way you have presented it makes so much sense. It is actually no different to a drug or alcohol addiction in that it results in us being disconnected from our selves – doing, saying and being in ways that are not really us. There is certainly much to ponder on in what you have raised Danielle – thank you so much for sharing!
I have never read anything revealing the harm in searching for recognition until now. This is ground breaking, perhaps creating a stop moment for many people to ponder on how true this feels for them. As for me, it makes perfect sense. The moment I wish to be noticed for something that I do or have or look like, I feel like I’m stunted; it’s like the power of whatever it was that I did or had is actually lessened, even taken away from me. This is an amazing realisation. It makes simply being Me the best and only way for me to behave; non imposing on anyone, least of all myself.
Wow Danielle, I’ve never thought of recognition as an addiction before. You described so many types of recognition it was a little overwhelming. This is a great topic to raise awareness for everyone. Thank you for sharing.
Seeing the insatiable need for recognition as an addiction is an inspired expression, Danielle. “…..our whole life becomes an attempt to be seen, to be noticed, even to be categorised or put into a box as ‘the person who does this, or is like that’.” How stultifying and strangulating is that? Yet Society does indeed endorse this as a reasonable and sane way to exist in the world. This need most certainly fosters competitiveness, whether it be in sport, academia, financial status, fashion status, the achievements of one’s kids, how one sings…..the list is truly endless. We are encouraged to saturate ourselves in the need, the compulsion, to be recognised. You are spot on, Danielle, in presenting it as the addiction no one discusses….the socially endorsed and sanctioned addiction which forms the foundation of our society.
There is surely “something rotten in the state of Denmark,” as Shakespeare indicated.
Great points Danielle, the effects of addiction – being dependant on a substance or a way of being – runs far deeper than we realise and in so many more ways than we realise. Real food for ongoing contemplation!
Danielle, a ground breaking piece outing so much more than the so called ‘normal’ addictions. The following sentence said it for me – ‘The evil of needing to be recognised is that it is accepted in society as normal. Most people do it – in fact, society is built on it.’ I have been totally addicted to recognition, in fact only recently I saw just how huge my addiction to this really was.
Thank you Danielle for such a great topic for reflection in life. Recognition is at the root of our lives and the way we have lived and become and certainly an addiction in all respects although hidden and accepted as a very way of being. It is very sad to feel how much we do not live who we truly are and our appreciation of our very essence and how we reject this all for recognition in other ways and how we change to fit in with others and society and its different understanding of the truth and who we really are. The greatest inspiration and reflection in the world is from Serge Benhayon and his family and this is our greatest gift for humanity from pure love and absoluteness.
Danielle I had not thought of the constant need for recognition as a type of addiction before, but now it seems so obvious. I can relate to many of the named addictions on your list and think of many more. I can add ‘trying hard’ to fit in because of a deep belief that who I am is never enough or acceptable, and will never be recognised!
This is a very important blog because it challenges how we look at things. If I go back over my life and look at the various ways I sought recognition, at its worst I was in a dreadful state of desperation and experiencing high levels of stress to meet my self imposed goals; to be the A student for example. All of this was done with complete disregard for my body and to the outside world would look not that different really to other addictions. My life revolved around getting this one thing which I thought would make everything else going wrong in my life better.
Danielle, you have hit a ‘sore spot’ for many, including myself. Even after giving up doing drugs, alcohol and cigarettes I can reflect back on that time and see that all those addictions were under the umbrella of recognition. I wanted to be labelled as a ‘drug addict’ to gain attention, to be the ‘mis-fit’ and the one who needs help. Recognition feels like one of the reasons for actually starting the others too! Much to reflect.
It is interesting to consider recognition as an addiction and I understand how it can be so harming. I also see it as so normal that it would be hard to kick it without the support of others who understood the harm it does.
What you are exposing about sport, and about recognition in general, is huge, because these things are encouraged, whilst there negative effects are ignored. So many kids grow up exhausted from trying to please everyone and not having any notion of who they are because they are constantly trying to be everything for everyone.
This is a great point you have brought in Rebecca, these behaviours of seeking recognition are actually encouraged. It’s seen as good to actually show off in an activity you are good at and ‘wow’ people. This is clearly having a negative impact because take away their recognition, people are forgetting who they are… they left who they are behind to proceed in the journey of striving for more and striving to be recognised.
I agree Arieljoymuntelwit, recognition feeds many behaviour – probably more than we even realise – I wonder what life would look like without it?
Yes Ican relate to addiction very closely both to illegal substances and to behaving in ways to get attention. I used to thrive on getting maximum recognition from the world around me. I would strive so hard to be seen and feel special and in fact better than others. Indeed I never stopped to consider how others might feel if I beat them at something. It’s so obsessive being better than others and so blindsided- we forget about the all.
This is such an awesomely detailed portrayal of how you dealt with your addiction Danielle.
l love how you conclude with the realisation to be yourself, to inspire others” to feel the answers are within and that they too can let themselves out”. It’s like we are caged within ourselves and fed with false ideals and beliefs by society. It’s not until we stop to feel who we really are that we can begin to free ourselves from our own self appointed shackles.
It’s our own choice to change.
Danielle, this is a corker of a subject! The addiction to being recognised, primarily for what we do, rather than who we are; although even these lines have become blurred by the way we chose to dress, etc, effectively changing the way we are seen naturally. These physical attributes do not change who we are inside, but it is another step further in the things we do to be recognised. When we stop to see the enormity of this plague, we can see how addictive this addiction has become, and in that, how far we have to reach inside to ensure we are living for and by ourselves and not some external factors.
Brilliant Danielle, how you have exposed the addiction for recognition, which is so deeply ingrained in society. We embrace it, we champion it, we favour it and we applause recognition, while in truth many people are not living who they truly are.
well said Mariette, we have become so invested in our need for recognition and identification that we have build our whole society around keeping it unexposed and perpetuated consistently.
Very well said Carolien Braakenburg, that is so true, and I have played my part in it.. Well, not anymore, let us all expose the evils of recognition in the world! We are losing too much, it is not worth it at all.
Absolutely Mariette, the crazy thing is that we even champion and applause being a failure, or having issues. I see this in people around me daily, creating drama’s and stories about being a failure, when they are so so far from it, all because they are identified with and in need of recognition of not being enough or being worthless.
A really powerful topic to explore Danielle and one that I feel has affected most people on some level or another. Recognition is most definitely an addiction as it is constantly fuelled by the ideals, beliefs, expectations and standards set by society for us all to achieve or succeed to be seen as someone worthwhile. As you share it is amazing to stop and take stock of how we each change who we naturally are to be recognised on some level by others. Yet those others themselves are also seeking recognition. I am recognising more and more that we each bring something amazing to life and that is unique and natural to us. It is not about trying to be, but actually choosing to love, embrace and be who naturally are.
Good call out of recognition being an addiction, who would have thought?! But I completely see what you are saying. I see recognition as what we do in order to constantly be confirmed of who we are, we are always going by how others see us (good or bad), instead of how we are with ourselves first. I would go as far to say that this is not only an addiction but also a dis-ease. We ‘go through’ life with never being taught how to truly connect with ourselves or how to build, nuture and cherish this relationship. I did not have a clue how to do this, I thought I did and tried many different things but they all ended up taking me further away from who I truly was not closer! That is until I met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine who not only teach the way to re-connect but constantly live this as well. This is something that should be taught in schools everywhere and is very necessary.
Great that you are speaking up about this subject that nobody discusses. Like you said ‘society is built on it’ which makes it hard to expose. But here we are having it out in the open, one of the main causes I believe of low self esteem, fear, insecurity and depression. Desperately trying to get somewhere, becoming someone we are not and setting ourselves up for failure or part time fulfillment. But when the victory fades we need another fix of recognition. You provide excellent tools Danielle to start breaking this habit that has us chasing our own tails going on a road to nowhere.
Thanks for bringing our attention to,and providing some insight, to an addiction many people will be unaware of.
This is a hidden addiction indeed. We all do it in different ways depending on what we have learned along the way about how we need to be to fit in. The pull is so strong to be recognised and accepted that we do it without even realising. I know I still do this, though less so than I used to. How much freedom we would feel if we all allowed ourselves to just be ourselves without looking to the world around us to tell us how to be.
I love how you expose how many addictions there are and how some are not labeled as such in society. I recognize the addiction to recognition I used to have and how this made me into a person that is not me at all. It is still work in progress in letting go some parts of the mold.
For me the addiction to comfort is also a big one. Like we always want to hang on to what we know whether that is harming or supporting us. And make it about ourselves and being ‘ok’ instead of seeing all of humanity as one big family who are equally important.
And thanks for sharing how you began to expose this pattern and began to be true to yourself again, its medicine that we all need.
wow what an amazing blog Danielle. Its something that is so normal in every family/part of society but so unnatural and harmful to us. I agree recognition is a worse form of addiction because it is seen as good and everyone thinks its good to be recognised, to be awarded and held high for doing things. and literally your so right about becoming a chameleon, I know I have felt like that at one point in my life and now look back and wonder, how can all of this go on. Is society aware that they are acting like this every day? is there any consideration to the fact that we may all be playing the recognition game? thats certainly what I see.
Danielle, it is amazing what you have shared here. There are so many other addictions we are ‘educated’ and warned about. It’s almost as though the purpose of this list is to keep us from looking at the the real addiction – of recognition, which also seems to underpin all the other ones. I often see the need for recognition in my choices and after reading this blog it’s so much clearer to see why I choose certain things. It is the painful addiction to recognition that most of us are walking around with and that stops us being simply ourselves.
Awesome what you have shared here Danielle. This is a whole can of worms that society hasn’t started to even address as a problem yet. “As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are. We are saying to ourselves that we are not enough just being ourselves”. This is huge and this is society’s norm as you say. I can relate to all of this on a very personal level as I have played this game too. Feeling that I was not enough, subconsciously I would work hard to get recognition through what I was good at. If the recognition didn’t come or I’d get criticised I’d feel crushed. This is no way to live life! Confirming myself for who I am has turned things around for me and I find I am much more steady in the face of critique no longer in so much judgment of myself.
Yes as soon as we leave ourselves we need recognition just like an addict needs their substance of choice to avoid the empty feeling inside. It is a cycle that we so easily get trapped in but confirming ourselves for who we are allows a way out and builds a strong foundation of self love that does not require recognition from anyone else.
I agree Helen. However I have also found along with the need for recognition also comes an investment in self bashing and self judgment so as to make the choice not to come out of it, compounding the need for others outside of yourself to give you what you are not giving yourself! As you say the way out of all of this is to connect to the essence and love that has not broken within and to express from there.
Thomas, this is another huge one to go on the list of ways that we become addicted to recogniton. Often we think of being addicted to recognition as being about being recognised for something ‘good.’ But this blog and the comments show that it comes in all shapes and sizes. I see it in schools a lot, and it’s not hard to see the bright amazing child behind the behaviour choices that make them look ‘stupid’ and ‘underachieving’
A big ouch for me as I realise I have been addicted to wanting recognition throughout my life, yet never considered it as an addiction. As you say, society is built on us all trying to fit in. When I came to Universal Medicine presentations I then became aware of my need for recognition and acceptance by others, all because I didn’t feel good enough just being me. Thankyou for raising awareness on this topic Danielle, a big one, the addiction that no one discusses.
So true Danielle. Both hands up for this game. I particularly appreciate the acknowledgement that in truth it is not possible to make people happy. In my experience it is surely the fact that we must all turn and look within ourselves to see that we cause our own unhappiness in the first place and therefore, we are the ones who can make a different choice.
An awesome piece of writing Danielle with so much truth exposed around the subject of the need to be seen and recognised and how we change ourselves to be liked or to ‘fit in’, and how everyone has this need. This is certainly a blog I will return to again and again.
Wow Danielle – I can totally relate to what you share here about being addicted to recognition. Ouch! I can see clearly how this is the norm in society but never discussed. The recognition relates to the doing, and being seen as doing well. Like you, competitiveness was my way of standing out, being better, knowing where I fitted – when really this completely blows equality out of the water. What a huge and needed thing to expose.
Thank you Danielle for raising what is an at times an unseen and unmentioned addiction. The recognition factor is quite prevalent in our society and the competition to exceed whilst placing ourselves above others is, as you mention championed in our upbringing, to be ‘the best’ but in doing so what happens to those who are around us. Are they left feeling less than? and therefore does the seed of inequality start to grow?
Allowing our selves to be and expressing from who we truly are without the ‘need’ to be more is an empowering place to live from and a support for all equally so.
To make what I am in truth very solid in my everyday living is the key for me to get rid of my addiction. If I take the responsibility of my live – no one else has to make me happy or what ever. If I see me – I do not need to be seen by someone else. If I am in harmony – I do not need others to be friendly. If I am connected – I do not need others to be in any way. If I am with me – others want to be with me naturally, what is great and I do enjoy very much to be with others, but I do not need them for my self.
Building on our truths, as you have so clearly and beautifully describe here Sandra, is paramount in taking responsibility for how we are feeling. Relying on the approval or recognition from outside of ourselves is setting ourselves up to be at the mercy of the world rather than standing firmly in our self in the world.
Danielle, thats exactly what I could tell about me (except the sport-thing) and now it is really to re-learn to live with me and others in truth. The keys that I found – with the help of Serge Benhayon and other Universal Medicine Practioners – are:
-Playfulness
-Connecting to my body & stillness
-care for my relationship with me & others
-let go of old hurts & drama
-Appreciate what I am & bring
-Honoring my brothers & sisters (humanity)
-Expressing me
Perfect antidotes to the addiction of looking outside oneself for recognition Sandra. A list of antidotes that we can all use to heal this debilitating disposition. I too have learned this through Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
Is seeking recognition a comfort? – Is it supposedly easier to do this to fit in, to make other people feel comfortable because they are choosing to live this way too (even though we feel empty, sad, unease, unfufilled etc) than stand out in our truth?
My addiction was to not compete, to be the moving target and just stay in motion doing whatever kept me hidden. The easiest way to fit in was don’t try. It was my cunning plan to coast thru life. Till that longing for the bit that was missing and the search outside of myself crept in finally and in the end found Universal Medicine that that showed me what was missing was just a connection I had lost to something that was never lost…me. My only true addiction I have now is just being me.
You can also have the opposite which is to rebel and not try to fit in because you can´t, give up and push people away. Nowadays, I am reversing the process by being aware of what people expect and then choosing to let them in anyway. I don´t have to change myself, however, I need to be open to what people are living to be able to communicate and not let myself drift away from humanity.
“We end up living much of our life identified with a certain character or persona to the point that we are no longer our real selves at all.” – many people end up not knowing on the surface who they really are, feeling completely lost and searching outside themselves, but deep down knowing something not true – hence the unrest, unease, the rates of illness and disease and mess peoples lives and world is in because we are not living our truth.
Said in a nutshell Gyl Rae — all the mess that the world and people’s lives are in is because we are simply not being ourselves. So simple yet so profound.
Wow Danielle, this is a great article, I can very much relate to what you have written, ‘it’s that our whole life becomes an attempt to be seen, to be noticed, even to be categorised or put into a box as “the person who does this, or is like that.” I decided to be sporty and to do adventure sports, this got me some recognition for being ‘different’, for being fearless, but inside, this actually wasn’t true as I often was scared, I also got recognised for eating lots of sweets and chocolates – crazy what we do for recognition of any kind.
All my life I’ve been very competitive and trying to be ‘better’. And I’ve also chosen to do arenaline events such as sky diving and bungee jumping. And as Rebecca shares here, I told everyone that I loved it. Where I actually was very scared but overwrote that. Now when I’m looking back, that overwriting was so so normal. I wanted to be somehow a hero. This way I dared to do things that others didn’t. So I was looked up to. How wrong was I and how True were the ones that actually chose to listen to themselves. Yes, they looked up onto me back then but that’s because we didn’t honour and value our feelings. But looking back, they were the ones that were far more honouring themselves than I was.
“The addiction I am referring to is recognition; that is, being seen or identified for some particular characteristic, skill, ability or activity ” This is rife in the world and I can say for one still plays out in my life to this day. We have championed recognition and identification and all equally have a part to play in this. Recently I have been working in primary schools and it blows me away that kids as such a young age are already learning to seek recognition and identification through what they do, and we praise them for this, and on the cycle continues. There is nothing wrong with sharing and appreciating a persons talents and skills, but to foster a life on praising what we do and achieve before the person themselves is deeply harming for all. With the recognition in comes competition, people trying to constantly outdo one another or prove themselves, alongside comparison and jealousy. All of which are evil creating separation, when in truth we are all one and the same, and stop us from living in true harmony.
Danielle – a powerful and inspiring blog exposing the link between competitiveness and the need for recognition as an addiction – who would have thought this was possible as competitiveness is encouraged world wide as the way to be a great /successful person.
It is an addiction far more insidious than the obvious addictions of alcohol, drugs etc which can be seen and understood easily.
The dictionary definition of insidious most certainly describes the subtle, hidden and long lasting effects of competitiveness and recognition has on our physiology, psychology and true well-being –
*something that is beguiling but harmful
*slowly and secretly causing harm in a way that is gradual or not easily noticed.
*stealthily treacherous or deceitful
*operating or proceeding inconspicuously but with grave effect.
Thank you, Danielle for sharing what so many of us experience – that craving for love that we erroneously think is what comes with recognition from others. Feeling the true love inside us means there is no need for anything to come from outside, we can simply embrace the reflection, inspiration and confirmation that emanates from all those who are living their true selves in full.
I love what you have brought to this topic Carmel Reid, the fact that the addition or need for recognition is just the deep down need and craving of love. It’s sad to see that most of society live like this, and encourage each other to be like this, being someone we are not, to try and feel loved, when all we need to do is be ourselves and then we will feel the love of who we are.
Thank you Carmel, this is huge. That’s why we long for recognition, it is the longing to be loved because — we miss who we are and therefore miss our own great love. When we connect to this it can first be very painful but it is also a very tender and precious moment where we let ourselves feel something within that we long for so deeply.
Beautifully expressed Carmel – the craving for love is what leads to the addiction… only, we’re never going to get it from the outside… it’s all there inside of us for us to choose to live at any moment.
Thanks Danielle for your insightful blog on such an important topic. I had not quite put together the need for recognition and the need to fit in together in this way before but actually they are very similar things. It is funny how even the need to blend in and not stand out is actually a form of recognition too. What I have noticed is how much I over-ride my feelings or change my behaviours in order to put one of the above first. As soon as I do that self-doubt creeps in and self confidence takes a nose dive. So well worth observing.
‘It is funny how even the need to blend in and not stand out is actually a form of recognition too.’ Very true andrewmooney26 – this has been my favourite in life, to not stand out and make sure everyone were pleased I was not standing out.
Amazing piece of writing Danielle. It is true what you are saying, the most ‘harming’ addictions are the addictions that are not deemed to be an addiction. Like wanting to be recognized for what we do. I have been for sure addicted to being recognized and still at moments it flares up. It is great you have called it out like this as it offers me a huge opportunity to feel I do not need to be recognized for what I do as I am already amazing just being myself.
Yes Lieke, you are amazing just being You. It is interesting isn’t it, how many times we need to be reminded this fact, before we actually consistently and without exception apply this fact in our lives.
You have certainly nailed it here, Danielle. The need for recognition truly is an unrecognised addiction that needs to be openly acknowledged and recognised for the crippling affect it has.
True Jonathan , but in our society as Danielle pointed out, recognition is a basic brick in our foundations, starting form Kindergarten and even not ending with the death, if I may say so respectfully. Along life, we are competing against each other for recognition.
And Jonathan once we recognise this massive, all-pervasive addiction what we are actually doing is addressing all the other vices we bring into our lives as well — be it alcohol addition, substance abuse, promiscuous relationships etc etc. They all stem from this overarching longing that we have, our craving for love that we then try to numb and dumb down with behaviours that will dull out the pain and make us forget even for a moment. Addressing the longing for recognition is a huge step to saying YES to ourselves, all the way.
Wanting recognition is an addiction and we will do some extreme things to get it, even to the point of putting our own lives at risk and in some cases others also. I don’t think there is any part of our life which wouldn’t want to be the star attraction, even when we are supposedly hiding or being shy, there is still recognition in that.
Ouch! Reading this blog I can recognise a deep-seated addiction to a lack of self-worth and how I felt I could do anything and everything better if only I tried harder. Gradually as I have listened to presentations by Serge Benhayon I have chosen to let go of this crippling addiction and now feel the freedom to just be who I am – equal to all.
Beautiful Mary another addiction busted wide open, who thinks about lack of self worth as an addiction, we do now! It really is a testament to the work of Universal Medicine that people can move on from addiction permanently and be at complete ease with themselves. This is unheard of in addiction circles.
Mary, you have really touched on something I can relate to here. It’s quite an ‘ouch’! The addiction to lack of self worth has kept me wanting and not wanting recognition all at the same time. How can I hide and yet be seen in those moments when I want to be seen? Being seen gives me a false sense of myself and not being seen supports my lack of self worth. It’s a ridiculous cycle.
I can see now how there is a difference between doing something only for recognition and doing it because there is a genuine purpose behind it that is not for one’s own personal gain but actually contributes to the overall quality of life on earth, even if it is in the smallest way.
There is always a great line in these blogs that sticks out and in this one it has to be, “As soon as we need to be seen or recognised for anything at all, we are leaving behind everything that we already are.” That is a beauty and even if you had written nothing else, that line would have done it for me. Thanks Danielle
Wow, thats a big topic Danielle, I always identified with being different, standing out, not fitting in, etc. The need to be on my little life stage and get recognized was massive and already as a young child I realized that by being naughty I will get all the attention. I also felt that it was awful, but the need to be seen was so massive that I did it at any cost. It also allowed me to not feel the deep and devastating sadness of not being truly met and loved. I also remember that when someone met me I immediately slowed down and became still and surrendered to myself, I felt met and just could be. The hardness and protection I developed with this way of being is massive and feels horrible today and I am chipping off the layers to unfold in my fullness. Today I live meeting people and the more I open up the less I am addicted to recognition. Me being open lets me surrender into my body and just being me. To experience this with the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has been the best thing ever and I love the journey of getting un-addicted to recognition and just be me.
Love this comment rachelandras, what an amazing turn around you have made. It is something worth celebrating, to be able to let go of the hurts and the patterns from the past and walking forward just being you.
Rachel – A great testament to the power of being who we are, and in that we can meet others and allow them to feel that same quality within. We can break the recognition addiction cycle with everyone we meet by just being us and connecting with our bodies. Like the experience of standing in front of Serge Benhayon and looking into his eyes, he is truly meeting you for all you are and claiming that within himself too – in that the need for ANYTHING drops away as he reflects that everything we are, need and want is already within. The chase for recognition can be so relentless and weave its way through every facet of life when we do not claim the full ness of what we are inside.
‘The hardness and protection I developed with this way of being is massive and feels horrible today and I am chipping off the layers to unfold in my fullness.’ Yes Rachel I feel I have many layers to chip away at as I open up to ‘just being me’ and let go of my addiction to being recognised. I am so grateful to Serge Benhayon for showing us all that there is another beautiful way to be in the world that does not ask us to mould ourselves to fit in to be accepted.
Danielle you bring up such a dark horse that we are all avoiding to look at. I know that deep down I have been aware of this but really didn’t want to go there because nobody else was, to stick out and look different. When you get to see the way we have been living for what it truly is – it seems absurd and ridiculous. Why on earth would we want to change who we are and how exhausting it must be to constantly be evaluating every situation and the changing accordingly. I have been inspired like yourself to look at these areas in my life by Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, what I can’t get over is that it really is deeply imbedded and runs strong, so I keep pulling it up and saying thats not me. Keep coming back to the Love bomb that I am.
this is a very important topic Danielle and I agree it is one not widely recognised. How clearly you have identified and explained the addiction of recognition. I feel we have all fallen for this in some way. I know how my body loves to hear me saying “I am enough just the way I am” or any words of appreciation for myself or others.
This is a well concealed addiction that has many faces. As a drug addiction changes a person’s outlook on life, appearance and personality the above blog says that the addiction for recognition does the same.
The need to be recognised runs deep in nearly every human system ever devised. Including eduction, government and sport to name but a few.
Very true Luke, I have worked within Government organisations for the whole of my working life and it has always struck me why things don’t quite work or gel. Recently I have been feeling that even though there are great ideas and great intentions that should in theory work and make a difference to the community, the fact that most are there to serve themselves first, including being recognised for what one does, actually prevents us from truly working together for all.
I like what you have touched upon here Luke. Recognition is a lot more sinister in its disguise. As you say, it is easy to spot the external changes of someone with a drug addiction yet the internal damage taking place with recognition corrodes our sense of self. The honouring of our inner qualities are dismissed as not being enough as we strive for something more rather than being held in the all we already are.
Wow Danielle, I am blown away by this blog as it feels so true that recognition is for many the greatest addiction people suffer from, and I must agree for me this is also true. Our way back from this is to claim and live who we are, without the need for any return and with the full appreciation of ourselves. Because as you say Danielle, we then can be an inspiration for others as we are not in the same game with them.
Thank you Danielle, for bringing to the light the need for recognition as an addiction. This certainly feels true for my life too as I can see, as you say, that society is built on addiction to recognition. Is it any wonder that our true being is left out of the picture painted with millions of tainted brushstrokes looking for recognition.
A wonderful blog Danielle, so exposing of a way of being that is made out to be good, when all it does is separate us from the beauty of us, being ourselves, naturally.
What I am reminded of is the fable of Aesop about the man with the donkey. The man and his son are walking with a donkey. Everyone they pass has an opinion on how they should doing their thing. Some people mock them for not riding the donkey, others deride them for overloading the donkey. With every opinion the man and the boy change to fit in, and overtime they get criticised by the next passer by.
It is a tale about the need to comply with others… of what happens when seek to please others at any price to ourselves. That need becomes the unfeedable and unfulfillable addiction for recognition, because we can never get enough and we will never get it from everyone.
Thank you Rachel what you have shred is very poignant an very beautiful. I have to agree wholeheartedly that our need for recognition meets nothing and fulfils nothing, which is what makes it an addiction. We may get some temporary relief when we get the recognition that we desire, but it doesn’t last, hence the drive for more and it’s insatiable and incredibly painful because we are not living from the incredible beauty that we naturally are and come from.
Thank you Danielle for pointing out this hidden addiction. And thank you Rachel for reminding us of Aesop’s tale of the man, the boy and the donkey. In the search for recognition we will try just about anything, just like the man in Aesop’s tale, listening to others instead of connecting to our innate inner wisdom and knowing. We know what is true and when we are connected to our innermost self, we know we are enough and the need for recognition simply isn’t there.
Awesome article Danielle! You have given me so much to reflect on as this topic is huge – gianormous. It is definitely a “myth buster”. I just need to sit with this for awhile and see what comes up as I feel there is so much to digest.
I love this honesty Tamara and I agree 1000% – there is so much to digest on this topic. In fact it took me some time to edit this article after the first version, because every time I read it I realised there was another part I was missing, that I had not yet wanted to be aware of, and had hidden away. It is so important to let ourselves unfold and expose our own needs for recognition in our own timing, as the need to find the answers (for ourselves and even for others) and get it right away is another way we can seek recognition 🙂
Danielle, this is a wonderful exposure of an addiction that as you say “nobody discusses” because society in the main would not even consider recognition as an addiction, but just what’s accepted as normal behaviour. I can say that I have been addicted to recognition, but had not realised to what degree until recently, and with the acknowledgement of the depth of the addiction I was quite horrified to remember what lengths I went to, to get what I obviously so desperately needed. Today, thanks to the changes I have made in my life from the inspiration I have received from the presentations of Serge Benhayon, this addiction is healing well and I know that I am enough by just being me and without the need for someone else to say that I am. The need for recognition still tries to sneak in occasionally but I am quick to grab it and then acknowledge that it is still a work in progress so I don’t give myself a hard time – it’s just a little oops moment!
“The need for recognition still tries to sneak in occasionally but I am quick to grab it and then acknowledge that it is still a work in progress so I don’t give myself a hard time – it’s just a little oops moment!”
I agree with you Ingrid – it is so great to be able to have awareness in the moment to be able to feel these ‘oops’ moments, and continue to expose these tendrils that remain, grab them by the tail and have none of it!
Wow Danielle, it’s so true, we are addicted to recognition. I know many people are geared towards it from really young and it just continues…rather then feeling like we can be ourselves we feel like we have to do things so people are okay with us. “it was unhealthy and it was harmful for my relationships with others as it affected my ability to be close, open and equal with others. ” I think this is a great hint to what an addiction is… Something that we constantly go to, to take us away from ourselves, leaving us distant to others. And not in the moment or really there. Thanks for sharing.
Yep, totally agree. The seeking of recognition infiltrated my life from a very young age too. I realise that I have been a master of it right down to the finest detail of how I moved my body and the tone in my voice, the quality of my work and the way that I dress. Even seeking to be not noticed is part of seeking recognition because if I hide, I will be known for that and left alone. It is so insidious and so normalised which makes it by far, the most evil addiction of them all.
The addiction of recognition is the very foundation that humanity lives upon. We are all caught up in it until we ‘recognise’ that nothing we ever do will ever come anywhere near close to the grandness that we already are. Thank you Danielle, stellar piece of writing.
Yes Sara, Dianelle has exposed the current way that many work places, hospitals and schools are run. The constant need to out do another in work situations or on the playing field. This way of being is rife and links to a myriad of underlining behaviours on line that sees many ill truths shared of another.
Recognition most certainly is what we are building our societies on, there is little to no emphasis on energetic quality of a person, are they themselves, enjoying someone for just being not doing anything. We have to disentangle ourselves from a lifetime of recognition as a way to be in life.
Yes, it most certainly is a process of ‘disentangling’ from an ingrained way of living where we are constantly seeking, coming to a way of living that is resting in simply being.
So true and simply put Sara – We will all keep chasing the recognition trail until we know that our seeking will only lead us further away from everything that is inside our hearts. It’s all there for us, we just need to choose it and know the power we have is equal to the grace in everyone and God. Imagine a world without competition or comparison – these are born from the need to be seen. When we will stop and see ourselves for all we are?
Thank you to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon for presenting the way to meet ourselves and others in full.
Beautifully said Sara – ‘nothing we ever do will ever come anywhere near close to the grandness that we already are’.
This is such an important addiction to bring to light as it affects us all in our different ways, and as you said there is no help in society to address these addictions, in fact one is rewarded and celebrated the more we play roles and achieve at the expense of who we truly are. Thank you Danielle for your honest and revealing blog, allowing us all to look deeply into our own lives.
I played the role within my family and at school, of being dumb, stupid and not achieving any results in my study. I did this to dull down the bright amazing child I was, to avoid the jealousy of others. This became my way of being recognised and was an addiction to not achieve.
Thank you for your sharing Thomas. I too realised that the role I took on in my family was playing at being dumb, stupid and can’t do it on my own. I had not considered why, but after reading your comment, I can feel it was too dull down the bright, sweet, beautiful child I was so that I would not make others uncomfortable.
As I read your comments Thomas and jacmcfadden04, I found myself holding my breath and feeling some old tension in my body. To stop and be still to truly feel this has brought a letting go from deep within knowing I also dulled my light for the same reasons – “This became my way of being recognised and was an addiction to not achieve”.
Wow! an addiction ‘to not achieve’ is the complete opposite to achieving but with the same insidious results. There is much to ponder upon here.
That jealousy you’ve mentioned Thomas I can relate to, it’s like we become addicted to being recognised as anything other than the brightness that we are naturally. This is then fostered and considered to be ‘the way of life’. All because we are avoiding feeling another persons jealousy – their own fury for having before them a reflection of who they are being allowed out to shine. But how does becoming an addict ourselves heal anything? Being recognised for the person who lives in doubt, the ‘know-it-all’ and other things I have attached to in the past have not resulted in me feeling great at the end of the day, they’re just there to avoid triggering others into something that isn’t even them in the first place as we are all the same on the inside. Like other addictions I have had in the past it’s been a great way to numb myself and recognition has certainly been a great one to avoid feeling mine and the choices of others to not be who we truly are.
Having spent a lifetime, changing myself in every way to fit in, be liked and not stand out I was very touched by your blog, thank you Danielle.
One of the many ways I did this, was how I spoke and became very good at different accents growing up in England, and I could speak exactly like the other person to fit in. The pain this has caused me and others is huge, by not being myself, and not allowing others to meet the real me.
Interesting, I used to tune in someones dialect as well… A very hidden way to be recognized and accepted as well.
I can relate to what you said Thomas about changing the way you spoke to fit in. The class system was rife in my day as a child and young adult, so I often found myself adapting to another person and the way they spoke in order to be accepted. Very few met the real me. I was not confident that I could stand in my power of who I was at that stage of my life. Crazy, sad, but true! A great blog Danielle.
This has indeed been the driving force throughout my life… if I am honest… always wanting to be recognised for something, anything in fact. Such was the lack of appreciation for the unique qualities I bring and the confidence to express me naturally knowing I am enough.
I like your honesty merrileepettinato! Same here- my whole life was kind of lived to get recognition.. How exhausting that was..
Absolutely draining and huge lack of appreciation for our unique qualities merrileepettinato and steffihenn. I can relate to this as well, the need for recognition took a big part in my life and I agree it is very exhausting. Appreciating who I am and all that I bring is an important factor to let go of this addicton.
A powerful piece of writing Danielle. Thank you for having this conversation around the need for recognition – it is – as you say – insidious and part of almost everything we do. It does take us outside of ourselves because as soon as we want to be seen or received a certain way, we alter our natural expression so we can be received in that light. We can abandon who we truly are. And gosh we miss ourselves when we do that. And we quite often don’t bring a truth that is there to come through for a person, a group or for humanity because we may not want to ‘rock the boat’.
For way too long I have not been rocking the boat and this has had a huge impact on my expression. The desperate need to be recognised has not only harmed myself but others as you say Sarah as they do not get from me what was needed.
This is a well needed conversation as the reality is everyone has experienced some form of using recognition. Therefore recognition is not only an addiction but an epidemic, especially considering that we end up feeling quite sad that we gave left our true amazing selves to settle for the attention and recognition of others. Much of what is happening in society would be explained if we just all paused and had this conversation.
So true Sarah, we are vastly removed from our ‘natural expression’ when we seek recognition at all. In fact it is a sure symptom that we are seeking all the wrong places because addiction to recognition sure cannot be natural! In truth we are already where we want to be, there is nothing wrong with us! This is huge and Danielle has cracked open a huge issue for us all to feel and digest!
Well said Sarah. I am noticing more and more when I alter my natural expression, and how ‘blah’ that feels! As Danielle said, it hurts, but recently it’s felt very much like I’ve been saying ‘You’re not good enough, Brooke… so… be this instead’. Trusting and appreciating all that I am feels so important to break the cycle of this addiction.
Hi Danielle, Thank you for sharing your wisdom on the addiction of competitiveness. I feel the depth of the true power of you in discarding what once may have been seen to be an addiction. I agree with you there are many forms of addiction, and as we travel further along in this life I too have discovered that there are many levels of addictions that require addressing, and I am familiar with the one of looking to be ‘liked’, looking to be recognized, acknowledged and accepted, and I can remember very early in life that to be ‘liked’ was like a game, a game where the rules would be changed mid-stream, so I often found it a struggle to ‘fit in’ and feel that I was ‘accepted’. My goodness what a waste of time and energy – when all the while what we have been really wanting to be accepted for was just our true selves. I wonder what force is behind us having a belief system that we have to comply with the supposed demands and expectations of others – when all the while God is inviting us to be true to ourselves and draw on his/her love for us wholly.
Your comment rings a few bells here Aimee! A poignant point here with regard to huge anxiety as a child I experienced – “This is where I feel much of the anxiety I have had has come from… because there was never any guarantee that the next time I did the same ‘likeable’ or ‘accepted’ action that it would be received in the same way”.
The ‘leaving ourselves’ game is so separating and deeply harming – coming back home to myself has brought many welcome changes to the previous levels of anxiety, disconnection, exhaustion and the need to be recognised.
What a very important topic you have raised here Danielle, one I certainly have never viewed as an ‘addiction’. Yet reading your blog, it is so obvious how addictive this straining for recognition is, and we can see it everywhere around us. And it was quite a realisation for me to connect with the truth which I could feel when you state: “The truth is that an addiction to ‘recognition’ can be for anything whatsoever, even being an alcoholic, drug addict or abusive partner.” – this is something I certainly had not considered as an addiction to recognition. Great insight, thank you for sharing.
I agree Karina – This blog is such an eye opener and allows us all gain deeper understanding of how we are in the world and why we may do certain things. We can so easily say ‘Oh, that’s just how I am’ but no, there is more to it. Why do I choose to wear certain clothes or say things to please people? It all totally comes back to attention and addiction to recognition. It is a dis-ease in the body to continue living less and thinking we are not enough.
It’s so true, we so often adapt ourselves to get recognition, wear particularly clothing to gain attention and get noticed. How often are we wearing clothes truly for ourselves because the clothes are simply what we feel to wear?
It’s interesting to consider that some of the most harmful addictions are those that are seemingly heralded and championed in society – for in a general context we thrive and encourage competition and recognition from a very young age, and hence why perhaps many of us are unwilling to feel or acknowledge the harm this actually does cause. It’s a great conversation to be having…
Thank you Karina. More and more every day I am seeing how this dying need for recognition is everywhere in pretty much everyone, even in the most successful or influential people who we would consider would be confident or in control but who from their actions show, they too. look outside to get some sort of approval from someone or even from everyone. A great example is a famous musician or actor who can totally lose themselves in an image that they create and try to uphold this for their fans, because they think this is what is needed to remain famous.
Yes Karina, that really stuck with me too! An alcoholic, drug addict… when we play victim to circumstance or believe ourselves to be less than others, unworthy, not deserving, etc – all of the things we hang on to that ‘define’ us – or that we get something from by being defined by that… they are all addictions!
I feel the same Karina, some categories I could easily link to a case of wanting recognition as for example the ones who always claim to be a victim with everything just happening to them or the ones saying they are less than others etc., but than to realize that even being an alcoholic, drug addict or abusive partner is an addiction to recognition, is a real eye opener for me. As Danielle shares here: “The truth is that an addiction to recognition can be for anything whatsoever”, is really a game changing awareness.