Growing up as a young child, up until the age of six I lived in an environment of constant fighting between my parents. I could feel there was much anger and resentment between them. My siblings and I experienced physical violence and constant verbal and emotional abuse. My mother often lashed out verbally or physically in frustration, rage or resentment at us.
In hindsight, as a mother of two children myself, I can see that she would have been overwhelmed; not only with the daily work and responsibility of raising three small children, but also with her own feelings and emotions.
My father was happy to be working in order to support us financially, but I feel he had no clue about his role at home nor any idea about raising children. He left the responsibility of this to my mother. I saw that my father was equally unable to deal with her outbursts – he seemed powerless around her and either retreated or got angry and fought back.
I now feel how they both felt trapped: it seemed they were unable to communicate, and when they did, it was mostly explosive confrontations.
I often felt scared, sad and powerless… I certainly don’t remember the feeling of being cherished by my mother. I recollect some tender and light moments with my Dad, but there were also feelings of despair and helplessness from him.
My family situation showed me that everything was not ok. I felt insignificant and in the way. From my perspective now, I can see that as a child, not having a true nor whole sense of myself, I decided that I was not worth much and somehow at fault.
Why do we tend to do this?
- Is making ourselves feel wrong and worthless the way we cope with the situation?
- Perhaps by taking on the role that we are wrong is our way of being a piece of the puzzle, to make sense of a situation?
- Is it because we are children and have no other way to see it or make sense of it?
We live for so long, often well into adulthood, behaving and living according to these deep beliefs we take on that are so far from the truth of who we are.
Could it be that we are in fact born wondrous and whole?
Knowing that I had issues to be addressed, I saw counsellors over the course of my adult life. However, it really wasn’t until I had healing sessions with Universal Medicine practitioners, and participated in their workshops and courses, that I began to understand and change how I saw myself, and how I live.
I came to see that many of the beliefs I had taken on and held were keeping me locked in emotions such as deep anger, struggle and helplessness. I came to understand how my identity, my behaviours and my relationships were shaped by these.
I felt shocked when I began to realise that I didn’t have much self-worth, although this made sense when reflecting on my lack of confidence, my constant self-doubt, and always looking to others for answers instead of considering that I could turn to myself and trust my own feelings and intuitions.
I was still identifying with the thoughts and beliefs that I had assumed for myself as a small child. The key way for me to break with them was to ask a lot of questions…
- Could it be that I had no sense of myself because I was taking on the emotional turmoil of my parents?
- As I don’t recall feeling cherished for being me, is it possible then that I had no reference for who I truly am?
- And then was it true that, because I had no sense of me, that this meant I must be ‘nothing’ and worthless?
- Is it possible that the beliefs I created from this experience became my accepted living truth and way of being?
Because these beliefs were so deeply embedded and embodied due to my living them as a false truth, it was very hard to realise that they were actually not true.
Being able to ask the questions, along with some of the obvious answers to these, showed me the possibility that something else could be true about me. Understanding this allowed me to examine long held beliefs and patterns. Learning about myself is an ongoing and unfolding journey.
What Universal Medicine has brought back into my life is not only supporting me to free myself from the false identity I had built and fully believed myself to be, but also shedding light on the naturally amazing me that I am.
Now that I have awakened to the fact that I am amazing and worthy of cherishing, I continue to take care of my precious body and self. I am joyously discovering how much more there is of me to love and appreciate, and what I can bring to this world.
The absolute gold that Universal Medicine has offered me is that the way back to my true self is found in honouring my body, and cherishing me – the amazing being I have always been.