Giving Your Power Away: Why Being ‘Good’ Doesn’t Work

I made a choice in my childhood to give my power away in exchange for some attention, the second best thing to love, or so I thought. In essence, I wanted to be seen by my parents and I wanted their affection, so I found a way where I knew I could make this happen.

To me, giving my power away meant overriding that part of me that instinctively knew who I was and what was true, an inner strength and clarity, the love that I am, and I exchanged this for something that is nothing compared to the knowingness to be found in this innate way of being.

I became the ‘good girl’ of the family. When my siblings and parents fought with each other, which was often, I could feel the disharmony in the house, and so I became very ‘good’.

I didn’t talk or when I did talk, I changed my voice and spoke to them in a different way so not to disturb. I became the peace keeper, the daughter who didn’t cause any problems. I was finely attuned to where everyone was at; I could say the right things at the right time and did all my chores diligently. I controlled life in such a way where nobody could say anything bad about me because I was so good, so nice and so polite.

But people did make judgments despite my best performance, and this was devastating because I tried so hard to please. Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!

It was not sustainable for me to live being good long term, as there is a lot of pent up anger that can build in the body by not living in a way which is authentically you.

In my teenage years I became extremely rebellious and flipped the household for a few years with my antics, but eventually, when that didn’t bring me any joy, I returned to the good girl extending my repertoire to the good student, the good worker, the good friend, the good girlfriend, the good wife and the good mother. Life became about getting it ‘right’ and following what society said to believe, and how to be.

Instead of holding my love for myself and knowing I was enough, I chose to seek approval and tenderness from other people. And seeking is truly the word, for it led me far and wide, continually missing the point – that love can only be nurtured within myself, something that I was reminded of when I came to Universal Medicine.

I might have been ‘good’ but I was deeply unhappy because I wasn’t living honestly. I also refused to deal with any tension that I felt in my relationships.

Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel, because if I allowed myself to acknowledge my feelings, then I would be pressed with the responsibility to address relationship issues and this had the potential for conflict. This wasn’t what a good girl does, and more to the point, this wasn’t what I was prepared to do.

Giving My Power Away At Work

At the organisation where I work there are consequences for people who have a voice, and so this was the perfect playground as it gave me an excuse to hide and be good. In doing so, I made the choice to give my power away to others, I said “Yes” instead of saying “No”, I allowed myself to be overworked and mistreated, and held back from saying what I really wanted to say.

I had no idea until now, how much anger and sadness was within me for having made this choice to be good. I was quite reactional, and hurts were easily triggered, but these hurts were there because I had chosen to hide my true self.

As I began to head down the path and leave ‘good’ behind and started to embrace a way that was more true to me, I was plagued by fear and thoughts that wanted me to stay comfortable in my familiar ways.

Thoughts like – How could I express how I truly felt when I had no positional power in the organization? How could I point out that it felt awful to be treated as less and for my contributions to be dismissed? How could I say that I was not spoken to as a person? How could I point out in an organisation that puts intelligence on a pedestal that the textbooks were not giving us the answers to life – we just had to look around and see how harshly we were treating each other.

Despite such thoughts, I began to honour myself and allow love to be expressed in the activities, and tasks, that made up my day. I became far more open and honest, and would say what I felt without holding back and pretending to be good.

This was the start of a process of re-claiming my power, a power that comes from knowing myself and honouring myself deeply. The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised. More importantly, I chose not to settle for attention or mediocrity, as love was my new benchmark.

This was not an overnight fix to a life of hiding, but it was about not letting things be buried because they were too hard to deal with.

When I expressed from my heart with love, many responded warmly to my openness, and we began to share in a way which was much more intimate and affectionate. Managers started conversations with me about issues in the workplace and they became curious as to my views on workplace relationship issues.

Not everyone, of course, responded so well and reacted as the ‘good girl’ mask dropped away. Some became uncomfortable, because being ‘me’ and honouring myself meant that I was different from how they once knew me to be and, of course, I was far more responsible.

When tension developed, and sometimes it did, as long as I stayed connected to myself and held the power of my loving ways, I found I could stand strong in the truth of what I was feeling play out before me, not in any emotional sense where blame and accusations are made, but just listening and feeling what was going on under the words, and staying open and allowing myself to be vulnerable. Sometimes we would come to a place that felt true for us both, and sometimes we did not.

A Loving Reflection Of Claiming Your Power

Like an angel showing me the way, this week I had the opportunity to observe a woman claiming her power in full. As I observed her interact and present to the audience, I could feel her inner strength, her self-reflection, her ability to see right through any power game or irresponsibility.

She was articulate, expressed in a way where there was love and not an ounce of judgment of another, she did not run from conflict but stood solid in herself, open and willing to resolve whatever the problem or matter was that was before her. I was completely inspired and in awe.

I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love. Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart.

The path I once chose – to be good and polite, instead of honest and self-honoring, did not serve me well, and I know absolutely that the only difference between myself and this inspiring woman was that she had made different choices – the choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back herself all the way. This woman had re-claimed her power, and now I feel it is time for me to do it too.

In appreciation to Serge Benhayon for the amazing reflections of true power, a power that comes from love, that emanates and reflects absolute responsibility and integrity… and, of course, to this gorgeous woman for offering a reflection, a gorgeous reminder of the power that lay within us all.

By MAS, Australia

Further Reading:
Self-Appreciation and Acceptance Bring True Presence
How Amazing it Feels to Be Myself
Truth – Expressing In Full

1,008 thoughts on “Giving Your Power Away: Why Being ‘Good’ Doesn’t Work

  1. Oooh – that is an ouch for me. I love the role of peacekeeper, or councillor. It feels so ‘nice’ and yet it can be so damaging…. often trying to avoid a difficult truth or seeing someone upset when the truth of the matter is that they need that reflection to move on and be offered a different choice.

    1. Yes well said Simon, a bit of an ouch for me too. I thought I was doing such good work always placating and flying under the radar but really it just takes away a potential moment for some real learning on all our parts.

  2. We are all good. Yet, sometimes we use this fact to control life and to expect a series of results in exchange. This ‘solution’, like any other solution does not really work and is never able to eliminate the tension that is underneath it. We may work hard to override it, but the body does feel it all the time and suffers from what we are doing. Hence, it does not help us, and does not help others to walk in a way that allows them to reclaim their innate qualities.

  3. “Being good” is a coping mechanism we have managed to developed and become very good at, it is a trap as it does not consider the whole and most of the time drives our bodies to the ground. Breaking away from this illusion is simple and just requires honesty and the implementation of loving choices in order to claim the truth of who we are.

  4. ‘I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love’ Most of us are brought up to think and believe that being good is being loving and even being love and that is what gives us power. This can be of great comfort and an easy way to justify so much. I love how you have exposed the truth here and show how we can claim back all that we have given away by being a little more honest with ourselves so that we can also find the choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back ourselves all the way.

  5. We are completely deceived when we think we can say one thing but feel another. The idea we can hide and trick life with the word games we plays is one of humanities longest running ruses. For as you show so beautifully MAS, we are constantly communicating and receiving energy. As soon as we deny this fact we are lost to our true power.

  6. No-one really ever thanks you for not being honest and being yourself because when you are it is such a shock!! It is truly exhausting trying to please, keeping the peace and not speaking truth when it is there to be spoken.

  7. I can so relate to this blog MAS as I chose to be the good girl, the helper and the peacekeeper in my family of origin. Giving my power away was a matter of course often followed by fits of rage when the outrage could no longer be contained; all to play the victim and get away with not taking full responsibility for my choices. True power comes when we get out of our own way.

  8. I feel we have a preconceived idea of what power is, I know I did and probably still do. What my understanding of true power is so far is getting the part, where it is all about me, out of the way and allowing myself to be a vessel for the divine to come through.

  9. We are taught from a young age not to be honest, but to be nice so we don’t rock the boat. Rocking the boat is actually necessary, we may at times fall out, and when we do, the opportunity is there to either sink or swim in the sea of truth.

  10. When we start to change the dysfunctional ways we relate to others it can cause a reaction from them as they expect us to be a certain way and they are comfortable with this. So for example if we decide to no longer ‘mother’ another, by this I mean do every thing for them, then often, at first they do not like this as they like having a ‘slave’. It takes them a while to adjust to the new arrangement and some do not to and leave the relationship to find someone who will ’mother’ them. We have to be willing to let people leave our lives if they do not like the changes in us.

  11. “And seeking is truly the word, for it led me far and wide, continually missing the point – that love can only be nurtured within myself,…”
    We are taught from young that love is something we find outside of ourselves, something we need to earn, to work hard for and we need to be lucky to receive it. Serge Benhayon exposes this lie and reminds us that love is innate and all we need to do is connect back to our inner most to feel it.

  12. Compromising who we are in order to please another is debilitating for our bodies and never does it offer a true support for anyone, as it is only expressing our truth and being in our power of responsibility that we can evolve as a human being and offer another a true reflection of their true essence.

  13. I lived “being good” for much of my life. Of late I am coming to realise that this is a selfish way to live, as ultimately it is a way of being that I geared around protecting and looking out for myself. It does not hold all equally, in fact it holds others less. It also is very taxing on my body as there is constant tension as I hold a way of being that is not true, yet when I allow my self to simply be present with my body, there is an ease and flow within and tension melts away. Then what is spoken is equally for all.

    1. This is an important point you make Leigh in that when we are being good we hold others less. This cracks the illusion of ‘good’ immediately.

  14. When we calibrate to others at the expense of ourselves it is so much more stressful rather than simply being ourselves.

  15. I know being good also and have been chipping away at this myself. I have to agree that there is so much hiding in being good and nice, hiding the truth of how we feel, hiding who we are. Not being good or nice is not about being rude, it’s about bringing honesty and then truth to what we see and feel. The more we do it the easier it becomes.

  16. There is a false tension in acts of goodness. There is more at play when we say yes to what our body is overtly saying no to. How interesting is it that we have become so conditioned in this behaviour as it feeds our individuality or promotes the recognition that is far from our natural way of being?

    1. Awesome comment Natalliya, reflecting back to when I was very much identified with the role of being ‘good’ and a ‘peacemaker’, I realised it came with a huge amount of seeking recognition and attention. This was exhausting to constantly seek approval and recognition from others and it closed off any form of expression of truth. At the time I didn’t recognise this but now I can see it so clearly. So, at any time I feel myself reverting back into this role I can easily let it go and choose to express truth with not an ounce of holding back.

  17. Thank you so, so much for this post. I never really understood what it means to own your own power or to stand up for yourself calmly without fear of self and of others, until now. I practiced this tonight on someone who takes advantage of me and it worked – I listened to and honoured my feelings and expressed them calmly, and got a very pleasing result without disrespecting the other person! I feel very happy and not afraid of my own emotional responses for the first time in my entire life (after always being told I’m too sensitive, too emotional, and thus supressing that in shame), and finally comfortable in my own skin and with who I am. There are not words to sufficiently express my gratitude and how I really feel right now, but thank you so much all the same. I’ll never forget this post and what a turning point finding it has marked for me.

    1. Beautifully expressed Dr Maddie Smith and thank you for sharing your experience. I too am learning to listen and honour what I feel, and expressing from love instead of judgement or reaction. To understand and be more aware of when I give my power away supports me to make more loving choices and to honour and trust what feels true and loving. Learning to live and express in my power and not giving it away has been hugely life changing.

  18. One of the big sacrifices for me in being good and nice was being real. It’s like I had trained myself to never be or say anything real, so it is like I was (and still am at times) in a false life not sure how to connect or engage to what was actually going on. Being good or nice is like floating just above the realities of life, and missing out also on the realness going on inside myself.

  19. Thank you MAS for sharing being good, I can so relate to this. It feels like I have lived my life of good and wondered why good never worked.It was so tiring and exhausting keeping up the facade of being good and nice to please all, so that there was never any conflict, but the conflict was in me not living who I truly am and giving my power away feeling that this would fix things instead I was not taking responsibility for self.
    In appreciation to Serge Benhayon he has been a great reflection and inspiration for me of how to live life in true responsibility in divine love and truth in authority of divine power.

  20. Wow, thank you MAS. I can totally relate to everything you’ve shared. I also transformed myself in the same way and gave my power away from a very young age. I was identified with the roles I picked up but I also felt resentful and a deep sadness especially from controlling my expression of love and joy. Now, I am reclaiming my power again by choosing to connect to truth, to love and to who I am. I am learning to not shy away from this when things get challenging or tough but to stay consistent, steady, strong and committed to love and truth.

  21. Its so closely related to being nice… I had an example yesterday where a business I work for has to respond to a dramatic change in circumstances. The choice to be nice about it is so tempting but then you practically guarantee a disastrous outcome… or else you reflect the truth and everyone is offered an opportunity. Better to see a clear view of what is happening than sugar coat it with ‘good’ or ‘nice’.

  22. Anything that is a diminished version of love and truth is not it, however ‘good’ it may look. In fact ‘good’ for me has been a smokescreen and trap for so long – mastering the facade, whilst always dismissing the truth I know and feel inside. I am finding it quite challenging to break the habit of ‘good’ but am building from the inside out with a sense that then the smokescreen will dissolve quite naturally.

  23. Could it be that being good and all the ideals we buy into by intending or striving to be good are actually the most insidious way to cripple the amazing power we all have to bring forth the true good that is waiting to be activated by precisely living our glory and power?

    1. I agree with you Alex The word ‘good’ is so loaded with ideals and beliefs, I used being good as a way to placate my family and friends as a child. Being good as a child was never enough the goal post for ‘good’ were constantly changing and I could and did turn myself inside out and it never satisfied the family. It is totally crippling as relearning how to just be me has taken years and there have been huge adjustments as I take my tentative steps towards freedom from the straightjacket of ‘doing and being good’ Someone has said that ‘Good’ is the highest form of evil and having experienced being good I would agree as it entraps you into a way of life that is completely false.

    2. A great question to ask Alex, instead of staying true to who we are and what we know is good, we create a false ‘good’, that in truth is empty of true good, but serves to tick the box and make an impression on the outside, however on the inside we remain empty and know the falseness we live in.

  24. “Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel”, and to deny how we are feeling is akin to denying who we are; a very exhausting and in the end, a very futile process.

  25. Giving our power away caps and destroys relationships, yet claiming our power builds relationships based on true equality.

    1. Great point about equality. Giving our power away solidifies us, and others, in what we are not, and keeps us separated and believing we are different. Claiming our power and our voice inspires everyone around us to do the same. It’s power games and struggle, or claiming and walking in our own authority as equals, not more or less than anyone else.

  26. I am starting to see how being good and nice, always ticking the box of what is normal, is not the true good we are looking for. I agree with you that from being nice and in a way always being good there was a huge amount of anger and frustration built up in my body that now and then comes out. I never had that in the past and sometimes wondered what was ‘wrong’ that I now get angry now and then. From your blog I now understand though that I have been good, nice etc but never really me and true to what I was feeling. I have been living under the veil of niceness, which is not me and therefor makes me feel angry and sad now and then. Great thing to move forward with and take some chances and be true to myself in life!

  27. MAS thank you for an awesome blog, I can relate so much to what you share. Your line ‘Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!’ is something I have felt often, how I turned myself inside out to fit in only to not get the recognition I felt I deserved and of course it stung since I’ve deserted myself to do so. Reading this now I can see how much that craving for recognition becomes a real crutch as we’ve left ourselves so we positively demand that we get recognition, but it’s us in fact we miss and I’m learning more each day how to be just me and allow myself to be that to hold steady no matter what, there’s still a lot more to explore here (there always will be), but each time I learn more, and claim a little more of me. Or as you put it and it rings so true, I’m learning to back myself.

  28. Thank you MAS for the deepening awareness to good v’s power. If left unchecked good can consume our lives, until something major happens which starts the wake up call to ask -hey where are you, what did you sell out for? Usually approval and external love I’m discovering, but these don’t last they are an illusion that an accident or incident will expose.

  29. ‘I controlled life in such a way where nobody could say anything bad about me because I was so good, so nice and so polite.’ MAS, I can definitely relate to this – I’ve been so caught up in caring about what other people think and say about me that I forgot how to be myself. That has absolutely changed, but even though there is still an element of not wanting to be disliked or have something said about me, it doesn’t stop me from expressing and being myself, because I know that who I am and what we are all connected to is far greater than an opinion or judgment.

  30. I have noticed at work how I have been reluctant to speak up when I know something is not true, and as a consequence all I am confirming to the other person that it is ok not to tell the truth, and as a result they go on behaving in the same way, all because I didn’t want to rock the boat or take responsibility. I know now that we all hold a responsibility to humanity and to ourselves.

    1. Beautifully said Sally. I have also noticed that the more I hold back the more abuse comes my way, I feel it’s because contraction goes hand in hand (and rhymes with) reaction. The more I express from my power the less abuse I encounter.

  31. I have found that being true to yourself does not always involved conflict, what happens if we have not lived this way though, is others are a bit confused initially because we are not resounding or reacting as we would normally do. Bringing understanding and commitment to honouring that it is far more loving to be ourselves than to play games supports us to stay true during that initial wobble stage.

  32. With power I have often related it to being a lot of hard work and a constant effort. But what you’ve shared here MAS is that true power is very simple and comes to us, just as we cannot stop feeling we constantly get directed in how to be in our power – those feelings that can sense and understand the deeper layers of life. Thank you.

  33. Stunning sharing MAS. I loved this line “More importantly, I chose not to settle for attention or mediocrity, as love was my new benchmark.” I’ve never read such a great description of what we really give away when we look to another rather than feeling and expressing what we know.

  34. What I have found is that inevitably when we play ‘good’ and play along to the pictures in our head we are trying to play out in real life, we are inevitably disappointed when other people and things don’t meet our pictures. And this makes me question what pictures I am investing in If I am not coming from my divineness, because that is whole and true and full of understanding and wisdom.

    1. Yes Harry – and how controlling are the pictures and playing nice? It’s ultimately controlling the situation and making sure it goes the way we want it rather than allowing moments to unfold as energetically intended.

  35. My whole life I have strived to be good and I have come to realise that it has been driven by wanting to be accepted by others and liked. Oh how that has been a false existence, I have been able to see with the support of Serge Benhayon that the energy of being nice is just he same as the energy of being hateful and mean. Letting go of needing people to like me has been an unraveling process of deeply accepting myself and knowing that I’m amazing for just being me. Nothing I do will make this bigger or better, because this is all that I need.

  36. “Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel,” This was me too – so although I felt more accepted this wasn’t the true me as it was a false ‘me’ that was recognised. Having been so ingrained in this false version of myself I wasn’t even really aware this was so. Learning to reclaim my power and be the real me – warts and all – has been a slow process – still ongoing. But what is the point of being accepted by someone when they are seeing and accepting the false ‘good’ version rather than the true version of myself?

  37. It’s such an illusionary trap to think we need to change who we are to ‘keep the peace’ or to bring harmony to people around us. Our natural and divine way IS harmony, stillness, truth, love and joy. By being who we are others are given the opportunity to feel this within themselves too.

  38. ‘…there are consequences for people who have a voice…’ Yes, I have found this to be true in life also, and have quelled my voice for the same reasons you describe MAS. Building a body of love that allows me to voice what I feel and hold myself steady no matter what comes back is key to developing the capacity to express.

  39. ‘When tension developed, and sometimes it did, as long as I stayed connected to myself and held the power of my loving ways, I found I could stand strong in the truth of what I was feeling play out before me…’ That foundation is crucial if we are to hold self-doubt – that most undermining force – at bay. Trusting what we feel, and trusting that what we feel is true, is key.

  40. Being “good” does not work of its own accord because it is an act, an image, and a attempt to manipulate life by “playing by the rules’ so that you cannot get hurt. Ask a good or polite person to do something that is necessary but “harsh”, so to speak, like standing up to abuse, and they can’t. They simply can’t let go of the image they have around what it is to be “good.” And so such examples expose “good” as an ideal, something fixed that we hold onto in order to try to control life. Of course, what we invariably find is that it is impossible to control life, whether you do it by being angry and narcissistic, or by being what one calls good.

  41. Being good is incredibly exhausting and extremely uncomfortable. Ironically it seems to be comfortable to be good and not challenge but if we look at the state of the worlds health and well being being good is clearly not working at all and instead harming us as we are covering up and not dealing with those issues that are truly affecting us.

  42. Wow MAS, you just described my journey to a T. This was incredibly empowering to read and gave me many moments of appreciation of how far I have come. Thank you.

  43. For so long I settled for being ‘good’ and ‘nice’ as a way of getting recognition but my anger was never far below the surface and I can now feel how much of a barrier it was to any true relationships and the pain this caused me and others. Dropping the good/nice persona is a gradual process and not everyone is happy with me speaking my truth and I certainly do not always express myself as lovingly as I would like but the more I exercise this muscle the stronger it gets and the more my anger drops away.

  44. Thank you for sharing your experiences in the workplace which echo my own. There is such a game of giving our power away in this situation and this perpetuates so many of the working practises that we all complain about and yet nothing changes and the frustration of being part of a system that is not working leads to disillusionment and overwhelm. As I have started to speak up at work I am having conversations with colleagues and managers which feel so much more open and in this there is the opportunity to bring about change if we stay open and express without fear.

  45. Being good not only drains us of our life force by giving our power away but also contributes to that which feeds the ill and corruption in the world today, The harm is deeper than we think and it is everyone’s responsibility to take charge and start living who they are and not adhere to the impositions of the world.

  46. ‘I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love.’ Wow, what a powerful sentence! Your blog absolutely resonated with me and as one who grew up being the good girl of the family and who still gives power away at times it was a perfect read this morning. Wonderful, thank you.

  47. Being good is a huge capping on life and when we opt for that path, we can be quite controlled by it. We no longer do what is true for us and that is an evil which can be hard to look at. We have lost ourselves yet no one complains as we are quite socially acceptable.

  48. I can so relate to the ‘good girl’, it’s an avoidance of living the power we are. As you shared MAS it’s a great way to avoid having to deal with others reaction to truth and power, and a great way to have people ‘like’ you. What I am learning is there is ‘like’ and there is ‘love’, like is a smidgen of what love can offer.

  49. As kids we know exactly how to behave to get our parents attention. We realise that just being our gorgeous selves isn’t enough and we have to shape ourselves to fit their needs. But what I find fascinating is that we choose parents who match the choices we have made in past lives. I can feel that I have used being good, sacrificially caring and nice many lives before to hide and ‘keep safe’ all the loveliness I am. So it was a perfect match with my chosen family.

  50. Wow what a great title, “Giving Your Power Away: Why Being ‘Good’ Doesn’t Work” we think that being good, being polite, being nice, is the way that we have to be in society, when in fact that is incorrect. What is at our core is to be loving, be love in all interactions, because is it in the choices to be ‘good’ that we can end up making ourselves less, which doesn’t serve you or anyone else around us.

  51. I could always feel a tension and struggle in my body being good, everything changed once I started to build a relationship with myself and to be honest with myself about what I was truly feeling.

  52. As I was reading I could not help but appreciate the openness and intimacy with which all the writers of these blogs share their lives. That in itself is extraordinary. When we are truly open and fully transparent with each other, and sharing with complete honesty and vulnerability, we can all learn so much from one another. It’s also deeply healing to receive others in their fullness un-edited, because we are offered a real connection. This realness is so deeply nurturing for ourselves and others, especially in a world where “good”, “nice” and “polite” are championed.

    1. Very true, the honesty the writers write with gives us an opportunity to unpack that behaviour in ourselves. To even contemplate if it is part of our makeup. Let’s be honest – we can have behaviours we have done for so long they come across as normal and yet are, in fact, very self-abusive. It takes a reflection in our lives to be able to see another way sometimes.

  53. Being good and nice is a way we manipulate and control the situation to hide our responsibility.

  54. ‘I know absolutely that the only difference between myself and this inspiring woman was that she had made different choices’. This is absolute truth for us all, total responsibility for where we are at and why.

  55. All those thoughts of doubt and fear are all limited to what comes out of our mouth, as if everything has to be spoken, that the ‘No’ to disempowering ourselves is verbal. I am learning that this is not true and I feel anxious when trying to condense my expression when my body knows that expressing my power is more in the way I move rather than what I say.

  56. From very uncomfortable personal experience, I now know (thanks to Serge Benhayon), that being ‘nice and good’ is a learnt way that is dishonest, manipulative and one very big, fat lie. It serves no-one and leaves us feeling less than, expecting others to be treating us in the same way, which then invites huge resentment when they do not. Definitely, not love.
    “I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love”

  57. Claiming ourselves back is all about the way me move, as it is through our movements that we can close those openings where we entertain any of those thoughts that take us away from the essence of who we are and hold the authority and power of God we hold within ourselves.

  58. This is such a common path for many to follow. When true love is not offered we settle for far less. This often continues on into a future where we continue to bend and contort ourselves in a way that pleases others and contracts our very being. I know for myself, that once true love was felt from another, I started to unravel the falsity that I had played into in order to be liked. I became aware of what true love felt like, and started to feel my worth in claiming this in all my relationships. I now know that it is far more divine to be truly loved than to settle for a like.

  59. I would go so far as to say that ‘giving our power away’ is a plague like disease. And the reasons we do it have all been mentioned above. Fear of not being accepted, rocking the boat, responsibility. It can appear to be all to much, but only when we have spent so long pleasing people that anything that looks different to that seems scary. But just as you’ve shared here MAS, it actually inspires others to get real about their own choices, and yeah not everyone will be on board, but hey, the difference in quality of life once we start to make choices that work for us rather than everyone else, far outweighs a ‘nice’ (and often superficial) exchange.

    1. Holding back our truth does not serve anybody as it actually is stopping ways to evolve ourselves and others in this plane of life. Therefore being nice and doing ‘good’ should be addressed as such, as ways we use to hold back that what so naturally lives within and by doing that we keep ourselves trapped in this self created misery we are in.

  60. “Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel.” For me this was set in stone at boarding school, when I was told i wasn’t feeling what I knew I was feeling! So I too settled for being good and nice, and tried to bury what I felt. Reclaiming the true me is still a work in progress, because a ‘nice girl’ needs approval and recognition, in exchange for giving up on myself. My teenage rebellion was being good and nice, mostly out of duty and fear of being rejected by my Dad, with whom I lived. Learning to express how I feel – and now being listened to by people – is transforming this unhealthy outlook on life. “Expression is everything” as Serge Benhayon has shared with us. I so agree.

  61. I love the process you have undertaken in slowly coming back to yourself and letting go of the ‘good girl’ facade. It’s interesting what happens around you when you start to honour yourself and what you feel. Even in an organisation such as the one you describe here, it is possible for shifts to occur. Pretty amazing what we’re capable of.

  62. Being nice and doing good has been my way of being for a great period of my life, but recently I am discovering that I not have been that whole my life. When I was young I was not nice or good at all, I was just me and asked the questions that needed to be asked and sait the things that needed to be said even if it was not received that well and that period of my life felt so free and worry less compared to me living my life in niceness and doing the good things. That remembering made me ponder why I would not return to that innocent way of being and allow myself to live me instead of the dictated ideal of niceness and doing good as actually that serves nobody as it leaves and confirms us in where we are and do not asks us to be more. From this pondering i found that it is not that difficult at all as I know already how to do it as from young. It is just a matter of choice and to let go that old ingrained behaviours.

  63. This is such an important conversation to be having. I love that you share it can take a while for people to get used to it because we can be a bit like a bull in a china shop when we first start speaking up about things we have held back! It takes a while to let go of the resentment of the years of holding back and not impose that on others who really are not responsible for our choices.

  64. ‘Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel’ this oh so neatly describes why good will never work, it’s based on the lie of us denying what we feel and so it cannot sustain itself and leads to resentment and often rage, especially when those who are good do not get the responses they expect or others do not understand and appreciate what they’ve done. I’ve been here and as you describe MAS we sell ourselves for the approval for others, but it’s a constant sell out of ourselves, one that has to be taken again and again and so completely unsustainable. Eventually we come back to the truth of what you feel as you show here, thank you for sharing.

  65. The tone of my voice and the way in which I speak is a dead give away as to whether I am being true to myself or not… it is something I am becoming much more aware of especially in with people where I can feel I make myself less.

  66. Setting up a benchmark that is based on true love allows us to re-imprint everything in our lives, it is an opportunity to evolve and offer true inspiration for all without the pitfalls of living something that we are not at the expense of our bodies.

  67. The choices we make – and not just with the big things – make a huge difference to our lives. The minutiae of life, the teeth cleaning, the hair brushing etc are just as important; but what quality do we bring to these tasks? Do we choose one quality when we have an important meeting, but choose a lesser one when in the comfort of our own homes? Something I am working on myself just now.

  68. Being good and nice, something I excelled in, doesn’t serve at all. There is no truth in good and nice – it was a facade, a pretence, in order to be recognized, approved of and liked. Society seemed to approve of it. But it is now something I too am recovering from – in learning to express my truth, which may come out clumsily, but I’m learning to say ‘oops’!

  69. It can sometimes feel, after a lifetime of hiding, that to start to express the truth feels like a monumental mountain to climb – an impossible hurdle that we’ll never overcome. It always helps when we break it down and take one step at a time. I’ve found it starts with honesty with myself: expressing to myself – what am I feeling and why is this? What’s going on here that I’m not wanting to feel and deal with? Is it possible that I don’t want to feel here, so that I don’t have to take responsibility for being me and be seen, which means letting go of the version of myself I’ve created to please others so that I can fit in? Once we start to look at it, the reasons we choose to stay small are always for ourselves, and never about the bigger picture.

  70. You could say I mastered being the good polite boy and what good did it actually do me – none really. I was exhausted, struggling to get through the day constantly wanting something to excite me and take me away from the day rigours of life. Whereas bring on truth and I am all there – it is as if my whole body ignites, suddenly purpose kicks in. People then get to see and feel the real me not some mounded character which is trying to win their attention and acceptance. So then I get to enjoy being with them and vice versa as there is no need and definitely no pleasing – and with this magic quite literally happens!

  71. How we avoid our power by playing along, playing small and being nice – and all the while, discontentment and a tension arises within us that will never leave for we deeply know in not living who we are or expressing our truth, we are living a lie and supporting a lived lie in others.

  72. Being good doesn’t seem to happen free of charge. It wants recognition/approval, it wants to be rewarded, and if it doesn’t, here comes resentment and tantrum. I have been good at being good all my life, and it got me through life. So when occasionally love was being asked of me, I would feel panic, as that was the protocol I hardly ever played in. I knew how to be nice and polite, but didn’t even know how to trust, be totally open or genuinely kind. There is no love in being good.

    1. Yes, love offers you the opportunity to be who you are, the beautiful, the ugly, the true, the love, the hurts, everything. If we managed our behaviour that can be hard to deal with but the secret may be simple: Be ready to deal with what comes up.

  73. Being good takes an enormous amount of energy, forcing us to live at a lower level than we could otherwise. However, being rebellious has exactly the same issue.

  74. Self-Love, acceptance and appreciation is great medicine to treat the dis-ease of recognition, lack of self-worth and the need to be right. In other words, we can live medicine every day, if we choose to honour who we are as a being and not a doing.

  75. It can come as quite a shock to realise that there is more abuse in ‘good’ then there is in more overt forms of abuse due to the nature of this form of expression being highly concealed behind a mask of doing what is ‘right’. At least when someone punches you in the face you know you have been hit. When ‘good’ is at play there is a not so subtle manipulation taking place that we don’t even realise is affecting us because all looks well on the surface. In-truth there is no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ in the Body of God. There is only what is true and what is not and then the various judgments we use to crush and condemn each other when neither party lives true to the love that we are.

  76. ‘But people did make judgments despite my best performance, and this was devastating because I tried so hard to please. Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!’ This statement struck a chord with me. The idea of trying so hard to please and still getting no thanks, or worse criticism was indeed devastating. These days I can live with myself and others with more ease because being true to myself is its own reward, and I no longer need anyone else to tell me how great I’m doing.

  77. “The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised.” I love your words here MAS, connecting and being present with our body and essence aligns us to our body’s natural rhythm which supports us through life in our daily choices building a consistency that offers true strength and steadiness with no need to look outside ourselves for anything.

  78. I too sold out, giving my power away, what a rubbish deal, I will never do this again, ‘giving my power away meant overriding that part of me that instinctively knew who I was and what was true, an inner strength and clarity, the love that I am, and I exchanged this for something that is nothing compared to the knowingness to be found in this innate way of being.’

  79. ‘It was not sustainable for me to live being good long term, as there is a lot of pent up anger that can build in the body by not living in a way which is authentically you.’ I have had a finger aching around a joint this week, an arthritic condition . For me this signals anger in the body. I had not let myself feel this anger, too busy with avoidance techniques and strategies. Now I cannot deny it and am being given another chance to look at it, feel the consequences, revisit the big picture and get back on track so to speak.

  80. Thankyou MAS for this line “More importantly, I chose not to settle for attention or mediocrity, as love was my new benchmark.” Inspiring words, those two areas need not be part of our lives when we choose to be and live from the love we naturally are.

  81. ‘It was not sustainable for me to live being good long term, as there is a lot of pent up anger that can build in the body by not living in a way which is authentically you.’ This sentence rang true for me, I played to being the ‘good girl’ as a child, in order to keep the peace amongst the tension I felt. I stopped being me, in exchange for attention and recognition which like you soon became rebelling. The rebelling was a relief from the tension and I continued this pattern for years to come until the point where I eventually accepted that it wasn’t working either. It was around this point that I came across the teachings of Universal Medicine and I am so thankful I did as I’m not sure where I would be right now if I had continued on the path I was on.

  82. I have become aware that the reason I gave my power away, has been very much to do with my unwillingness to want to take full responsibility for certain situations…and it is from this that I have become more aware of why I would do this….I am in no doubt that there are no victims here, when we act like we do not know, or have no choice it is because we are denying the wisdom that naturally have within.

  83. Being a nice girl and being good is a sell out as you point out, a giving up on our truth and power, ‘ I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love. Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart.’

  84. The good person is just a peacekeeper. A person that is in reaction to others reactions of them being the full love and truth they naturally are. They are living contracted as I have done in my life and this is a sure way to get illness and disease in your life.

  85. Being the good girl for me meant striving and pushing myself to be something I was not and when I did not get attention or the praise for what I did, I continued to seek other ways in which to win their affection. It is only when I began to get really honest and take the time to stop and see what effect this had on my body and life to know that the push and strive was only pushing me further from the simplicity of simply enjoying and connecting to who I truly was. Letting go of the trying to be something or someone, allows for the space to simply be honest and open to the what is and that is the true love and intimacy we can offer ourselves from shedding the old layers that we are not.

  86. “every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love”. Now this is one absolute reason to replace being good with being true, after all being good is in no way a natural way to live whereas being true is simple and effortless as it is in total harmony with our body and being.

  87. Being good and polite serves absolutely no one, least of all ourselves. We do it to control, to not rock the boat and allow others to feel the tension they’re in, but actually, rocking the boat by expressing what we can feel is the most loving, healing thing we can do – rather than leave it pent up inside our own bodies, and them, unaware of what it is that they’re reacting to. Expressing what we can feel can be a point of inspiration and evolution, and it’s not just through words: we express so much through how we move.

  88. Being the “good” girl was definitely a role that I took on and when I look back at it now it feels like such a suppression of who I truly am as any form of “good’ or “bad” or “right” and “wrong” separates us from ourselves and each other.

  89. If we decide to be good (and we do decide.) then we give away our power to be the love we are … this is huge, for instantly we are not being who we are and not bringing all that we are, and innately we are love so we are denaturing ourselves. An awesome insight thank you.

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