The Oxford Dictionary describes Control as “the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.” For me this goes very light on addressing and describing Control and almost presents a level of acceptability of its place in the world.
My personal description of ‘control’ suggests that it is something we feel rather than using logic.
In my own experiences I have felt control was like an invisible hand around my throat: it comes across as a threat even if the words do not indicate it as such, it suggests non-compliance has penalties, it’s a squashing of who I am, it demands I be submissive, it’s manipulative, it’s a secret game where the rules are known but never spoken, it uses fear and intimidates, and it creates self-doubt to thwart truth. In essence, controlling behavior makes my skin crawl.
I grew up in a household where I was controlled by the continuous threat and actualization of violence, perhaps the ultimate control. It is here that I first learned to be submissive and compliant. Speaking up about how I was feeling or what was truly going on came with a punishment, and it became clear to me that staying silent was the way to go.
After 18 years of living in this environment and by then incredibly angry as a person (although smothered with ‘nice’), I discovered that control continued in the workplace and into my relationships – there always seemed to be somebody there, waiting to control.
I learned to keep myself small and I became withdrawn, sad and depressed. I can now say that this way of being was a form of protection because it emitted the energy of “please don’t come near me because I have been hurt by others.”
It was a way I could control others to feel sorry for me, and in that they would not be cruel and then I would feel OK. This is not to say that the many things that have happened in my life have not been utterly atrocious, and I will never condone them, but whilst I was in sympathy with myself, I was failing to acknowledge just how irresponsible I was being with other people, and the harm that I was causing by being controlling and abrasive myself.
Of course, nobody can really control me – I am only controlled when I allow myself to be controlled – and with this I began to wonder if there is some payoff for playing this sinister game, which of course, there is.
The payoff for me was to be liked and accepted by others, so I overlooked another’s controlling ways and learned how to work around them in my own controlling way. This meant that I always had family, a friend or a partner – someone to give the impression that I was cared about and that I belonged. I opted for something far less than love.
– Control at Work –
In the organisation where I work, the environment is one of extreme control. The whole organizational structure is built around control with complex policy to keep the mind busy jumping through hoops, administering strict procedures and protocol, and controlling what can be said and how people behave.
Lately in my own team we opened up a conversation about control, and most people admitted to being controlling when workloads get out of control. Stress is a good indicator that we will turn to control as a means of getting by – controlling in our work and controlling people.
I have partaken in the game of control myself, where I have placed more importance on outcomes than people. For instance, I know that there have been times where I have wanted to get something approved at work, but I knew that the other person would not approve it if they felt that I wanted it too much or if the idea did not come from them.
I played to their arrogance and purposely dulled myself down by making myself submissive, small and even unintelligent, so that others felt important. And yet selling out like this was no different to those who I may have accused as controlling… it’s on the same scale and it comes from the same place.
Many years ago I was given a role in the organisation for 12 months which had a higher level of positional power. There was something so tantalising about power and the chance for recognition, particularly when you have spent a lifetime feeling suppressed. I became arrogant, self-important and demanding. By the time I left the role I was afraid of myself.
– A Bitter Pill to Swallow –
Instead of addressing issues at work around control or abuse, generally I would bring it home and control my family. I became caught up in getting things I wanted, and in how and when I wanted them done. None of this was about love.
This realisation was a bitter pill to swallow, but it was enough for me to make immediate changes in the home. I started by allowing time when I arrived home from work to process the day, by having a bath or going for a walk. This alone was powerful as it allowed me to come back to myself, where I was connected, not controlling.
My relationship with my child became more intimate, open and playful and we talked about some really difficult topics with absolute honesty. What a relief it must have been for my child to feel a deeper connection that allowed him to express with his mum.
Removing control from the home had the added effect of sending the issue back to the place where it should have been addressed in the first place – the workplace or the person with whom the tension was initially felt.
It was time to start talking things through and not holding back from expressing myself in the moment that the control was felt.
– Reclaiming the Power Within –
The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.
As love became my new foundation, it unleashed a power within, a true power, with absolute responsibility not to harm, nor to play the game of compliance. This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment.
It no longer mattered to me if another admitted to the issue or not, it was just about responding to the situation and providing an opportunity to express myself and deepen my relationships.
I observed how expressing from the power within was exposing for those who felt secure that our arrangement would never expose the truth. There were times when people appeared uncomfortable, but I was committed to making life about love and about truth and from there everything changed.
I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.
If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.
Living in a way that honours our connection can give obstacles a new perspective: there is space to achieve whatever needs to be achieved, we express lovingly and truthfully, we stop looking for recognition and our drive for an outcome is a thing of the past. We can then read the behaviour of others around us and bring a deeper understanding as to what is really happening in any given situation.
Re-Connection – that’s the answer, and that’s my choice.
Thank you to Serge Benhayon for reminding me of the love that I am.
by MAS
Further reading:
Learning to Let Go of Control Over Life to Being Open to People
Love
First Time Mum: Realising Control is just too much Hard Work
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
As I read this statement, it reminded me of many persons in my workplace who represent this, ‘incredibly angry as a person (although smothered with ‘nice’)’. That niceness covers the anger they hold, as in front of everyone, they are nice, but behind is a different story. All that pent up expression is distorted so at the end of the day, they don’t know who or what they are. A sad state of affairs going around the globe.
It feels people who hold back their expressions, which is the many, take on control. And so the cycle continues. Until one day you realise that this isn’t the way to live. And as correctly stated, ‘a bitter pill to swallow’, but how gorgeous. As I much prefer that, than the pretence that everything is okay when it isn’t. Now that’s living from who we truly are than the not.
There were so many statements in this sharing that I wanted to quote, but this topped it even further for me. ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life’. Living through the body is so much different to living from the head. When we dismiss the signals and soldier on and we one day receive our stop moment.
The more we come from our bodies, the more we live respectfully. The other things around us then can continue in its merry way. Connection to ourselves is the key to many of our ailments and diseases. We just need to make the decision to live from there and nothing less. It is a starting point and like any muscle, it will become stronger.
The more we connect to our bodies, the more we reflect to another that this is possible for them too.
“I became caught up in getting things I wanted, and in how and when I wanted them done. None of this was about love.” Ouch! That really encapsulates control and I can see how I do the same in wanting life to be different, instead of accepting life as it is and responding with love or truth.
We don’t realise how much we control or be controlled and that is all same as we play a part in both. And that certainly is an ouch. But what’s beautiful is that once its in our awareness, we have a choice of what we want to do with this, there’s a further ouch if choose to ignore it…
Thank you MAS for such an open and honest sharing – and I love how you were able to feel how the control was coming in from so many levels and how it was affecting your relationships at home. As it is, it is not like we can sequester a behaviour to only one part of our lives and not have it affect other areas. Everything is connected and so the willingness to see the control in one area allowed you to feel how it was working in other areas too. A beautifully inspiring sharing – thank you!
Anger or frustration or other emotions can be covered up with a layer of being ‘nice’ and I know that I too learned to play nice in order to get approval and fit in. Shedding this layer when it has been a life long practice takes a bit, again because we have invested in it and gain something from it.
Control by another only happens when we acquiesce to that by giving our power away. This can be instigated as a child already during a time of vunerability, however, the moment we are old enough to recognise this and move away from it is the moment we then become responsible to no longer continue that game. This is easy to say but can be hard to change especially if our momentum has always been to allow ourselves to be controlled, but then we have to ask what it is we are getting from it too, as control and to be controlled is a two way game and never just done by one.
Honesty, I never stop feeling astonished at the beautiful honesty and many gems shared in this blog, and how amazing it is to find it at just the right time again for me when I need it – thank you. I have recently been breaking down some of these issues with an esoteric practitioner around playing small and also committing to speaking my truth. There is really no other way to not enjoin in the control and manipulation except to choose to be love and express it as best we can in our day to day living.
Being a control freak sets us up for an eventual slippery ride as you have shared MAS, but to live with the understanding that when we surrender to our bodies-wisdom this opens us to appreciate our essences and the way of living that deepens our Livingness and this become normal.
“As love became my new foundation, it unleashed a power within, a true power,” When we meet ourselves and others in love we are all equal and there is no drive to control.
I love how you spoke about the responsibility we have when we control. It is a way to supposedly keep ourselves ‘safe’ but it does so much harm to ourself and everyone else because it doesn’t allow for free expression.
Thank you MAS, it’s always an insightful read. We have our obvious pictures of controlling behaviour but not so obvious are the examples offered here about playing small and manipulating others is subtle ways to get what we want. It is good to nominate this and begin to look for it in my own life. Equally supportive are your words about healing control, “The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.” We can be judgemental about control in ourselves and others, we know how imposing it is, but underneath it all is a being who has forgotten to turn to and live from love.
Control can be quite invasive and insidious, ‘In my own experiences I have felt control was like an invisible hand around my throat: it comes across as a threat even if the words do not indicate it as such, it suggests non-compliance has penalties, it’s a squashing of who I am, it demands I be submissive, it’s manipulative, it’s a secret game where the rules are known but never spoken, it uses fear and intimidates’.
If we can simply learn to tell the difference between when we are controlling something, to when we are open and responsive… that is all it takes. As we develop this sensitivity, then we can respond when the control kicks in, in whatever way feels appropriate (without having to control it or have a plan!).
With control comes complication and dis-ease in the body, we tend to rule from our heads and miss out on connecting to others in a true way. Surrender is the opposite of control and can bring an acceptance of the ‘what is’, it is a beautiful way to move through life with this simplicity and flow.
Its so easy to use control as a means to manage our lives, but it shuts us down, limits our experience and so we cannot see the true majesty that we live in every moment.
Control is not just choking the person on the receiving end of it, it brings immense contraction and brutal force to the instigator’s body and their movements; it perpetuates and just thinks it needs controlling until enough is enough and the healing can begin.
Well said Gabriele, Control is a repression of the instigator, as we can only instigate that what we have first done to ourselves.
‘I overlooked another’s controlling ways and learned how to work around them in my own controlling way’ This is a great example of how control gets in and wins the day. However, as you have shown, it doesn’t have to be like that ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.’ This requires commitment and dedication on our part but not to any outside party, rules or regulations, ideals or beliefs, but to ourselves. Purely to ourselves and what we feel from within our bodies.
The problem with control is that we we try to control, we are controlled to start with.
And who are we controlled by? The energy that ran through our parents, our teachers at school, our peers, what we observe as successful? Either way its not an energy that comes from our essence..
A great question to ponder on, ‘who are we controlled by?’ And to what extent?
Beholding and surrendering to all our choices and accepting back the love we are.
What I can feel from control is how there’s much unexpressed communication in our interaction when we operate from the place of needs and hurts, holding expectations, desiring a certain outcome, and it acts like a very fine invisible thread that leaves a cut if we touch it in a wrong way, and we feel this as the one controlling as well as the one being controlled. Whichever side we stand on, we are playing the same game. There is an attraction in remaining dishonest and non-transparent, we think we can dodge our responsibility.
“Stress is a good indicator that we will turn to control as a means of getting by – controlling in our work and controlling people.” This is very true MAS. I find that there is an automatic pilot of control that I go into when I get stressed and I find that I do especially when my work gets busy. I feel its best just to be honest with ourselves at these times for trying to change how we are just makes more stress. Just being honest and observing and nominating that which we are observing is the best policy.
Yes, stress is where we go back to what we know has worked in the past – so that may be that in a dark room we turn the light on. Surrendering in those moments has been a process of asking if that is the best solution – just because it has worked in the past perhaps the fact that it is always my ‘solution’ is the reason the stress keeps happening. I am learning to surrender and ask my body what is called for in that moment.
Bringing in reading of the situation, and so understanding is also supportive, ‘ We can then read the behaviour of others around us and bring a deeper understanding as to what is really happening in any given situation.’
We are all controlling when we are coming from our hurts and insecurities.
Spot on Kathleen and thus this is exposing to see and feel how much of our lives we can live from our hurts rather than being open and loving.
I really relate to your point about taking issues home. I can tend to do this and let this build up and they have a not so nice outplay a few days later. But I appreciate you sharing how you have worked on and developed this – and allowed space for your family. I know if I come home and go for a gentle walk or debrief on the day in a loving way, then it is a very different experience for all.
‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.’ This is gold MAS, and the more we understand and live this all our movements become more aligned to love and truth.
Building a deep foundation of love for ourselves is a great start, ‘The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.’
When I think I am in control I am becoming more and more aware that that is when I am actually being controlling.
There is so much in this blog that I can relate to. I too grew up in a family where the constant threat of violence, and the power that brings, made me realise that making yourself a small target was the best way to survive. At 17, I joined the military, again my life was all about being controlled. As I rose through the ranks, I too fell into the the illusion of recognition and self importance. Misusing power became a way of life, so much so, that I tried to control my family in the same way that I was controlled as a child. I’ve come to realise just how difficult it is to let go of control. Only recently Ive come to the realisation that control just doesn’t work, you’re simply cutting yourself off from connecting to the love in yourself and others.
Control is a veritable stranglehold that engulfs not only the recipient but the instigator just as much; control is a force that jeopardises our physical and mental health severely and this will one day be recognised and taken for the fact that it is. We can all feel it, but as with so many things, we choose to wait until science can ‘prove’ it to us.
Very true, we all feel it but wait for scientific proof to change behaviour. Not intelligent at all!
Awesome that you got to feel this in the end and break the cycle.
“I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another”. We really have misinterpreted power as control over others, rather than staying connected to the natural power we have within us which would never impose, it just remains true.
Having control of life or control in life is seen as something that is desirable, especially when we are in situations when we may depend on others for even our basic needs. This is deemed as losing control. Just maybe this is not as bad as we think it is. Maybe its even needed so that we learn that control is not the way. When we need people to support us in even the most basic of ways, it shows us how interdependent we are. But its more than someone doing something for us. Everything we live, breath, say, think and move matters. It not only has an effect on ourselves but everyone. When we are in control we remain self contained and choose not to see the wider ramifications of all of our choices. When we chose to let go of control, we become much more open to the wider world and understand the deeper reasons for everything that occurs. We are not in a bubble, even though we may like to like we are.
I am starting to understand what you are sharing here about how much we miss out on what there is to understand about situations when we choose to see it from one angle, believing we have the solution or the answer.
I think worse than control is manipulation, I’ve noticed recently how often I manipulate situations or use people to get what I want or need, and it also stems from a disconnection from myself and also an unwillingness to do my part, ie to completely love and cherish myself, so I’m using others to get it. But once we clock these things we can make the call that this stops now, and rebuild a new way forwards based on integrity, quality and responsibility.
There is so much to digest here, that we can be in sympathy with ourselves and in doing so we don’t address the issue at hand, that we ourselves play a part in allowing control and of course in being controlling, and the biggest one that if we come back to living in connection with us and our bodies we allow a space for observation, for response and we allow our basis to be about living and expressing the love we are.
All the time we try and control – maybe even thinking we are successful – we are being controlled much more by the energy this comes with leaving us with no freedom of choice.
The need for control is coming from the need to be safe. The irony is that trying to control life and ourselves is exactly what is keeping us from the only true safe place we can be: in connection with ourselves and the love that we are.
Thank you MAS for spelling out the difference between control and true power.
‘I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.’
Great, I agree: we always have a choice.
‘As love became my new foundation, it unleashed a power within, a true power, with absolute responsibility not to harm, nor to play the game of compliance.’ It is amazing how much changes when we have the willingness to see our own part in a situation and take responsibility for it. The power of love is beyond our imagination.
Control: “it suggests non-compliance has penalties, it’s a squashing of who I am,” This is the effect of control whether it comes from another or from ourselves.
Love your title: ‘Control or Connection: It’s a Choice’. The choice to which source of energy we align, our soul we go for reconnection and truth and our spirit loves everything that control brings: all the motion, emotion, being a victim or the perpetrator.
I was just talking about this very subject the other day, and how we can use being nice to control how people will treat us.
If we really stopped and pondered on control we would come to understand that most of us are in control most of the time. In slowly stepping out of this I can feel the importance of living a rhythm to life that’s supportive. This provides a foundation to life that really does allow us to live in a flow rather than a self imposed controlled like structure.
“If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.” To honour oneself is to surrender to the wisdom shared by the body and to then feel the palpable difference of our movements made. When we move from our heads we cut off the one vital relationship we hold and that is the truth first felt from the body and then expressed from the vehicle in which we reside.
‘There were times when people appeared uncomfortable, but I was committed to making life about love and about truth and from there everything changed.’ This is what keeps us out of the control game: true love.
There are many layers of being controlling. Looking at how I am controlling with myself ( which means trying to be controlling of others as well) is about in one way preventing reactions…If I am this way then I will avoid that situation or reaction from others. Its like we are pre-reading what an outcome would be so we build up our protective forces to avoid it. It takes a while to chip away at our control barrier or wall. For we build it as a fortress. Its interesting that we go down the path of control for we know that controlling does not work, but we still do it anyway. We are not controlling we are cutting ourselves of from our own connection and communication to God. We also cut ourselves off from another, which is the reflection for us to learn from.
Control can be exerted in many ways from pretty blunt to subtle. Obviously if we are confronted by a heavy duty blunt control for a long part of our upbringings, this puts us to choose whether we say yes (again) to it and practice it (again) or say no; this does not serve anyone. Life puts you in situation where you can renounce a way we are deeply familiar with.
‘The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself’ I love this and as has been suggested in the comments, to take away control can leave us feeling quite sensitive and without the usual protection so deep and tender love for ourselves is essential.
Trying to control life and other people is not only forceful and very dishonouring, a form of abuse if truth be told, it is also exhausting and brings complications that further exhaust and drain us.
It is very abusive of life and people to try to control them, there isn’t a shred of our essence in trying to control, no wonder it feels so horrible in the body.
‘I overlooked another’s controlling ways and learned how to work around them in my own controlling way.’ And that’s the crux of how we often are with control and it begets more and addresses nought. When we choose to reconnect and feel, to give ourselves the space to read, we begin something different a new way, one which allows for something beyond control, a letting go of us, of an expectation or a way – we grow, we become more of us.
When we think we control, we are just under control
Extremely simple and extremely accurate Amparo… You have summed up the whole thing.
Yes this is exactly what it is, and it feels just like this in the body- a very constricting feeling of being under something.
Letting go of control can be a very sensitive process. Usually we’ve developed a controlling response as a result of feeling traumatised and out of control in our lives. Lots of TLC for oneself is required!
How many of us have tight forearms as a result of our will to control, our wanting to grip and steer people and life and things and events? Working with this aspect alone can be illuminating when it comes to understanding control.
What a great article to share and this, “This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment.” It all comes back to us and how we are and what we choose in any given moment. It’s like I knew this and yet reading this article again has bought me back to it again. I love that things can be like this in that we have a true choice that then changes the way the world will look. So often I have sat back in life and felt things out of control and look then to dominate life and yet this was a point that was to be surrendered to and not reacted to. To truly feel each moment is the key and in that there is a connection to the flow of life that opens up to a larger world of possibilities.
I have recently felt a huge reduction in control after participating in the Esoteric Yoga Stillness Program for Women. The theme for the 6 week program was surrender and it’s supported me in so many ways to get to know and understand my being and body better, and to be in that inward movement of surrender instead of protection and control.
It is interesting to consider how control invariably comes after hurt, and how the two are never far apart or separate from each other. Which is beautiful in a way, because this means that if one desires to be free from the oppressive control of another or from themself, all that is needed is to move accordingly so that hurts may be healed. And this may involve seeking the help of a qualified and accredited esoteric healing practitioner, who understands energetic integrity and lives this to the core, or it may simply mean taking oneself off for walks with the intention to see and feel what blocks there may be and to be willing to clear them. All the same, it is the return to soul that counts, where there is no control, hurt, or manipulations.
Great awareness of what we do or did to get by, the games we all play, ‘The payoff for me was to be liked and accepted by others, so I overlooked another’s controlling ways and learned how to work around them in my own controlling way.’ I love your honesty and nominating what is not love.
I like it, from controlling to connected, by simply having some me time after work, this maybe a bath, or a walk, but what a difference it made.
‘The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself’, yep when we add a good dose of this ingredient into our life, life becomes so much easier, more joyful, playful and sweeter.. and no sugar is needed!
So apt to read this today and it’s telling that control is defined so casually, almost innocently in the dictionary. It’s far from this, it’s bullying and manipulation and our dictionary definition shows how far we’ve gone from the truth of what we know control is, and how much we can use words to hide.
“If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.” Re-connecting to the body is re-connecting to the divine wisdom within and what unfolds from there is a surrender to the flow and simplicity of the all. Thank you M.A.S.
It has become so obvious over the years that in situations, both at home and in our lives, when there is “more importance on outcomes than people” what unfolds is often not what the planners had hoped for. You can only ignore the importance of people for so long and in any business or family people are the true foundation; ignore the people or try to control them for too long and there will be a ‘revolution’ of some kind.
True, you can always choose the quality of energy you live, ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.’
A deep and tender love for oneself does bring about all sorts of changes, ‘This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment.’
I don’t mind reading the written meanings to words as it always brings with it more understanding. The thing I am aware of though is that the meanings have been written by us, by people and I always now consider how the person that came to that meaning lived. Were they aware of what was going on around them or did they see the meaning of words as merely a job to do. If we look back across history the way we look at words and share them has changed dramatically. Some may say we have clearer meanings of words and that maybe true for now for them but I see a watering down of the true meaning of words. For me words without the living of what they mean are just something written on a page or spoken. Like ‘love’ for example, tell someone you love them and it can be a nice thing to say, live the love you know yourself to truly be and share all of that with them and they can not but feel love.It may sound the same but the two feel completely different.
Interestingly I grew up in a similar environment to you MAS, where the threat and use of violence encouraged me to be submissive and compliant but in my mind I would be expressing exactly how I felt and would get extremely upset, angry and frustrated at not being allowed any say. I felt they were the only choices open to me and so I became disconnected to myself and life. Meeting Serge Benhayon has had such a positive impact on my life as through his support and understanding coupled with the practitioners of Universal Medicine, I was able to look at my part in the games I was playing with myself and others and put a stop to them. There is a game being played out in humanity and for most of us we are unaware that we are being played with and manipulated, as we like to think we are in charge of our destiny. The big wake up call is we are not in charge of anything, we just think we are to the detriment of who we truly are.
Beautiful to re read your blog today as if I had never read it, so much about how I use control in all different aspects of my life is revealed in the last days and my body is releasing the tension of this restricted way of life. Today I really loved this quote ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.’
‘I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.’ Thank you MAS for your honesty in this blog and this sentence sums it all up for me. I am just getting the truth about the compliance I have chosen as my way of controlling and your blog is of great support and inspiration to come to the depth of this type of abuse so I can change the way I move to choose a different quality in my life.
I like the way you provided yourself with a natural stop when you came home from work, before going into the activities at home. I have started coming home and putting my feet up for 10 minutes and then begin the dinner or house chores. I find it a great way to re-gather myself rather than being on the go until bedtime.
I find your deep honesty and willingness to heal totally inspiring. Thank you, MAS. Control is something I have employed a LOT in my life as well in desperate attempts to confirm my ideals and beliefs, it used to feel like I was having to fight constantly. In our re-connection to our inner-most, we are able to observe life without reaction, and I agree with you, that is the only thing we can actually control.
Living in the awe of how amazing life is allows us to truly surrender to that which is divine.
“I have partaken in the game of control myself, where I have placed more importance on outcomes than people” This is a great line because it exposes the way we rely on pictures of how we want life and people to be, instead of being in the moment and feeling and expressing from our true inner connection. It also exposes that we haven’t felt how much we as beings already are and the contentment to just be our whole true selves – we feel we need life to be a certain way in an attempt to fill the void that can only be filled by our selves. The title “Connection or Control” makes perfect sense!
Control comes in many ways and can vary from glaringly obvious and extreme to very subtle and discreet.
MAS the way you describe control as feeling like it was an invisible hand around your throat is far more real than the acceptable dictionary definition. It leaves an uncomfortable feeling as we know this to be true and it exposes any areas that we have been or are still controlling in our lives. I get a sense that I clutch onto control of myself as a way of protection and that I work very hard to control situations so that I am not seen in full. This would then expose how if I’m controlling myself then I’m constantly still controlling others to a greater or lesser degree and until I can fully let go of this then I am not allowing others the space to be themselves.
‘Our drive for an outcome is a thing of the past’. We get fixated on wanting certain outcomes which match the false pictures and ideals we have created in our heads creating a pattern of lies that we perpetuate. Living with connection and creating space to allow for observation and love is such a blessing to all those around.
I think the majority have been there when it comes to control, it has many masks and all leading to protection so as not to get hurt. And yet when we are connected to ourselves, nothing penetrates, it just slides away – I love it even though I am not perfect at it. With consistency that connection increases, its so beautiful to feel.
It is tempting to get carried away by a sense of control over others and situations but this stance is hollow and reliant on an external force; plus, as you have mentioned, we end up being scary and possibly even, with enough self reflection, afraid of ourselves, afraid of what can come through us and we are thereby, by association, capable of.
“If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life..2 beautifully expressed MAS. Reconnecting with my body supports me throughout my day.
When the love for self is honoured and nurtured, we begin to feel what true love is, and with this true love build a new foundation within. From there anything not of this quality of love stands out, and we begin to feel the abuse we have allowed to run for many eons.
When I used to observe those around me who were controlling I would be shocked at the fact that this is how they lived; it seemed like a huge abuse of power and not in a very nice way. And there were many times that I crumbled to this control, did things I didn’t really want to do and became resentful in the process. Now when I look at those who feel the need to control I simply see someone who is actually scared of life, possibly carrying huge childhood hurts, and the only way that they feel that they can live in this world is to ensure that they can control everything that happens; that is their security net.
Playing small keeps us in comfort and a self-made prison – I know as I did it for many years, letting go of this has been huge and it has been life changing for me learning to take more responsibility and to embrace who I truly am, thank you MAS for such a powerful and inspiring blog.
“Living in a way that honours our connection can give obstacles a new perspective…” Wow. Your blog has exposed how controlling I have been recently when organising something for a group of people. I told myself I was being responsible but I was actually being controlling and seeking recognition. You remind me that if there is no true quality there is no responsibility.
When we are not living by the impulses of our heart we are being controlled through the thoughts we are entertaining in our mind that can only lead us to be either controlling or subservient at any time. This brings home the responsibility we have to stay connected to who we truly are in essence and live from there.
Yes Kathleen, so in other words the choice is a moment to moment one to choose to stay present and connected with ourselves or to choose to bring thoughts in which take us away from our natural connection.
What a beautiful and simple comment Kathleen, right to the heart of the matter!
Appreciating the depth of honesty in your writings as ever, MAS, thank-you.
Most (if not all) of us have grown up experiencing some level of control and submission to that control as you’ve described here. I well remember the ‘walking on tenterhooks’ due to the fact that someone may irrationally ‘explode’ – the potential for such situations always being felt well prior to any actual ‘explosion’ occurring behaviourally.
What our ‘walking on tenterhooks’ imbeds in us, if we have submitted to the forces at play and done so in our lives, is effectively say ‘yes’ to an agreement with diminishment. And so the never-ending wheel of control-submission-control-submission rolls on… we learn our own ways of controlling situations, that others may not react – ‘God forbid’ they do!
But in the process we ourselves buy into the whole game – and no-one truly ever evolves, or has the opportunity to deal with what is truly presented to us, i.e. to be all that we are in full, whether that arises resistance to our love within another, or not.
Great blog that shows the only way to combat control is through connection. Without connection we feel unsupported and on our own. In this, it becomes about self and survival which brings in control. Bring in connection, which brings in brotherhood and we feel how supported we continuously are.
Control and how we use it is personal to each and everyone of us. Humbleness to learn our personal controlling ways and make choices to change them is to be admired and observed, as to stop controlling and begin loving creates a way of life that is to be studied and emulated.
I agree Leigh, changing patterns of control can be not so easy to change as we have chosen to be controlling or controlled for years, lifetimes even. What I love about what you share MAS is some of the practical tools that helped you such as going for a walk after work or taking a bath so that you had the space to let go of stuff before loading it on other people.
“If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life”. After quite a few years participating in Universal Medicine events, I am finally getting the message of your words. Connection to self is the only way forward for me now, with the choice to be with my body and express form there. Then control can have no place in my life.
Self-love is a new way of living for me, it brings a way of being with people that is very allowing and honouring, and as I learn that it is okay to live this way, life is becoming more and more rich.
Thank you for sharing so honestly about the topic of control. It is such a huge part of our lives and happens in almost every area. I am seeing all the parts of my life where I still feel that need to control things and its great to be aware of and get to the bottom of.
‘It was time to start talking things through and not holding back from expressing myself in the moment that the control was felt.’ I have found that I used to use control when I actually lacked the ability to express fully from my heart.
“I started by allowing time when I arrived home from work to process the day, by having a bath or going for a walk. This alone was powerful as it allowed me to come back to myself, where I was connected, not controlling.” Allowing space in our day to check in and feel our bodies allows us to observe life and how we live in it at a much greater angle. It offers us a deeper understanding of how we interacted during the day and any situations that may have come up to see and clear it if needed. I love going for a walk after work too, Thank you MAS.
We can all put our hands up and say that we’ve been controlling, we like it, we want to feel what it is like to be right, to get our view and point across no matter what. It doesn’t actually feel very nice, when you are either being controlling or being on the receiving end of someone being controlling. There is never a winner, just reaction and emotions usually as a result.
A very powerfull statement that is : Re-Connection – that’s the answer, and that’s my choice. And so is exposed that everything is a choice in every single moment. Thank you MAS.
When we choose to connect and speak from our truth we have no need to control because we are not invested in what anyone else’s choices.
As soon as we opt for control we lose our connection to ourselves and others and thus suffer the pain of separation. I love your choice to give yourself time to process what has happened during your work day so that it stays there and does not invade your home environment.
Control has been a massive issue in my life. I have learnt the benefit of honestly accepting when I have made mistakes and not trying to manipulate my way out of accepting the consequence which only led to further dishonesty and confusion.
When we feel controlled and react to it with protection, we are controlling no different from what we do not want in the first place. Clearly, this is not the answer. Being honest this is what is happening and rewinding our steps to discover what led us here and bringing Love back to the equation–that we have chosen control over Love but that I can always choose again.
I really enjoyed reading this sharing about the ways we control and how different life can be when we connect. I also took your point on board about taking time to connect with your day with a walk.
MAS, this is great to read, as the mother of a young boy I can feel how I can either parent with control or I can parent feeling connected with myself and this way of parenting is firm but loving and gentle, the controlling way I notice feels horrible in my body and my son feels the control and reacts to this, I am learning to let go of attachments and ideals about how he should be and be more understanding and let him feel the consequences of his choices more.
What stays with me from this blog is that control can come with many faces and not just the obvious controlling and manipulative behaviour we all know well.
Yes Lieke, control has many different faces, the more hidden they are the more insidious they can be.
A beautifully honest sharing, MAS. Makes me wonder what we think we are gaining by being controlling. I know for myself for having an agenda and being manipulative in all kinds of relationships and I could feel everyone was at it and it really is a game no one wins.
I have had to recently look again at relationships and the subtleties of control, subtle in the sense of unspoken, but not subtle at all in terms of consequences. In my life what others exerting control on me has been about has been to simply stop me being me in full. It’s been about me not shining in full so others are not uncomfortable and can carry on living in separation from their own essence without being reminded of it. The more I look at control the more I see this foundation and how we place conditions on others to not be themselves so we don’t not have to stare true energetic responsibility (and our choices) in the face. All this control just so we don’t have to be our glorious, divine selves. Suppressing something so beautiful does not make sense unless you understand the difference between spirit and soul and the intentions of both – then it all makes perfect sense.
Being small and hiding is a big form of control, so the world will never know who we truly are. This is evil and harming to everyone.
Well said Adele. Both sides of this coin are all about control.
“I learned to keep myself small and I became withdrawn, sad and depressed. I can now say that this way of being was a form of protection because it emitted the energy of “please don’t come near me because I have been hurt by others.” I recognise this choice of behaviour for myself also. I had given my control and power away to others. To come back to the love I know I am deep inside – and nowadays not so deep – is a blessing. Huge appreciation to Serge Benhayon for showing a new way of living.
Its interesting to see the subtle forms of control that play out in family situations, friendships and relationships, its as if there is always a potential for a deeper connection but with the element of control being there, it never goes deeper than the surface, because to do so would reveal we are all hiding from hurts.
‘The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself’…. This is something nearly all of us are truly missing and as a result, whether it plays out through control or something else, we all suffer. The answer to true healing lies in this connection and surrender to ourselves … and from that foundation, what doesn’t belong cannot but fall away.
“The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.” Without love for self we are negating our responsibility to bring our whole bodies connection to the table. Choosing to make space and surrender to how our bodies feel can only bring us closer to our true path of living and that is undeniably important today.
“If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.” beautifully expressed MAS. When connected life flows.
I agree sueq2012, it’s a great distinction between control and flow – they feel very different.
You have nailed it – being nice and submissive and “in sympathy with oneself” are also means of control and at times even more potent than the more obvious forms of control; more potent because they are sugar-coated and reek of self-pity and martyrdom. And also, they can keep us trapped for ages as we then identify with this state of outward powerlessness and don’t take responsibility for our actions.
I reckon there is a lot more control going on in relationships than we allow ourselves to see. If we break it down to “are we in our essence or not” we might come to the conclusion that when we are not we are either in some form of trying to control others or life, or controlling ourselves. There are a lot of unwritten rules in relationships, beginning with the one we have with ourselves.
Amazing sharing MAS “I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.” This sentence blows me away. It is Connection and not control that allows us to feel truly safe and supported
‘The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.’ For all my controlling behaviour – how I put myself down especially, and being honest about the extent of this – it’s beautiful to feel how it’s not through becoming more controlling that I relinquish control but become more tender and loving with myself that I return myself to myself. It is from a re-connection with myself that I then feel the joy of being with others, open and fragile – rather than fear of not being able to control a situation.
The way you described what control feels like in the body was so familiar. Behaving and playing small is equally a control and once again both sides are working to not feel hurt, or pain. To make a choice to choose the energy we live in and the energy that impulses our thoughts words and actions is far more powerful and long lasting. It simply allows us to be and to be with all others equally.
‘…someone to give the impression that I was cared about and that I belonged…’ Wow, you really expose us all here MAS. This is spot on. I can clearly see how I have been such an active participant in the control game as controllee and controller.
It’s such a game, it’s like taking on a scripted role and accepting the false care and belonging, instead of understanding we are love in essence and expressing and living from there.
This is an absolute gem to read and exactly what I have been realizing and connecting deeper to: “I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.”
To read this is like music to my heart and soul, a confirmation that choosing my qualities is ‘the choice’ and with this all the power and support will follow rather than following someone else. Life is not a game of follow the leader it is a purposeful responsibility to respond to what is true.
Through connection we are able to look at our control issues. I used to keep myself small and fly under the radar most of the time, surfacing when it felt safe to play the control game but the truth is that playing small is also a form of control because no one gets to see who you really are and you don’t have to stand out and take responsibility for anything. The more I stay connected to me the more my controlling ways get exposed, and once they are exposed it becomes easier to see how uncomfortable, and for some how devastating they can be.
We use control to sabotage our connection with our own divinity. Down here on planet Earth we all have a direct line to Heaven and it is our connection with our Soul that keeps this channel of communication open. We don’t have to work hard to achieve it or be special in any way; it is simply there ready to be used when we are ready. What we do have to work very hard at is shutting down this line of communication. Indeed it takes enormous force to not hear what is being constantly communicated to and through our physical body (3rd dimension) from the plane in which the Soul resides (5th dimension) in and with Thy Father we know as God. It is our spirits (4th dimension) that wield this force and use it to thwart the clear communication that would otherwise happen between our 3rd and 5th dimensional selves, Earth and Heaven. In this 4th dimensional realm of the human spirit lies every trick in the book that we draw upon and use to not feel the true majesty we are from because we are so busy indulging in the spoils of the self-created ‘self’ and thus do not want to return to the true Oneness we are from.
It is said that when you truly know God, you know longer hold onto individuality. To the seeker that is at first a scary thought. Who am I if I am not an individual? And in a world where individuality is encouraged on every level, it is a fair enough question. The truth, however, is even in perfect brotherhood, where all are truly equal, as is the case in heaven, there you are still an individual. It is just that you don’t act or express individually without ever considering the all and the whole. And that is the difference between creation, or life as we have come to know it in this physical form, and co-creation. So how is this relevant to this blog? Control exists because of our desire for individuality, and our need to meet an image or picture of how we think life should be. For without that picture being met, or without the striving to meet such a picture, we have no idea who we truly are.
‘I was failing to acknowledge just how irresponsible I was being with other people, and the harm that I was causing by being controlling and abrasive myself.’ Sometimes the level of control we go to to protect our hurts is so buried and insidious that it has to take another to lovingly and supportingly call it out. It can be hard in such circumstances to admit that the protection we are in is actually harmful to another but in allowing ourselves to go to the hurt, feel it and nominate it we can get to the root cause and start to shift things.
Great blog on a very important topic, one we are all aware of and are/have been affected by. I find control rarely comes alone – it brings with it intimidation, manipulation, passive aggressiveness, imposition and a host of other ‘friends’. It makes the controller feel safe and in comfort knowing that things will happen the way they want to.
It’s interesting how control is such a big part of relationships based on arrangements, as opposed to living from the love we natural are in essence and relating that way. When we take the love (ie our true selves) out of the equation, things like abuse, control and manipulation naturally take up the space. It really highlights the responsibility to be our full and true loving selves in every relationship we encounter. Personally I can feel the subtleties of control in my relationships and though it’s not stated out aloud, it’s communicated very loudly. More areas for me to be aware of how I’ve settled for less than love and am not living the true essence of myself.
Great blog MAS, the games we play in order to be recognised. Over the last year I have started to recognise how deeply engrained we are in control, and even though I thought I had made great in-roads into letting go there are still some deeply rooted and subtle parts of control that need to be let go of.
By staying submissive we smother our true expression
When we connect to ourselves we are able to read the behaviours of others with so much more clarity. This is a great teaching for me and my workplace as it stops me from going straight to reaction. Reading others dissipates any control they have and allows us to stay connected to what is true.
I worked with a group of people yesterday, and I was deemed the’ go to person ‘ with all the instructions and thus the answers. But it soon became clear that as the timing of everything was adjusted the planning went out the window and we all had to respond as was needed. It could have gone two ways, one go into hyper drive and try to get control or choose, as I did to surrender to the natural flow which left everyone equally responsible and committed, working in a joyful light way. Control would have just got in the way of feeling what was there to be responded to.
Merrilee that is a great line “Control would have just got in the way of feeling what was there to be responded to.”
What becomes so clear in your story is how there is an interaction between what comes towards us and what we put out, and unless we let go of what we put out we will be an attraction for that same behaviour.
I appreciate your comment about control and feeling stressed and that it’s actually one and the same thing. I certainly relate to this. There is a level of wanting to fix the situation that might be going on and that if something looks a certain way then it’s all ok. But it’s not and actually doesn’t work because nothing is going to look like how we imagine it to be and with this we taking away someone else capacity to understand the part they are also playing and what is there for us all to learn. I agree, It also feels awful in the body too.
Control and subservience are two sides of the same coin; we usually oscillate from one side to the other. Connecting to who we truly are is the only way to step off this treadmill.
Very much agreed kathleenbaldwin. This has been a great learning in my life, to see the truth of this, i.e. that control and submission play an equal part – or there could simply be no outplay of such energies at all.
For most of us, through our own holding back in life, we identify with the one in submission as being ‘controlled’, yet to see the equal control brought by both sides – that submission and subservience may actually be what someone wants, a familiarity he or she chooses… exposes the games at play entirely.
Absolutely and well said Kathleen – its the same choice just a different perspective. Neither provides a way out, and so we must look to other resources for a resolution.
The true power and authority we innately have is through our re-connection to our inner heart that magnifies through our body. From this perspective we understand what is happening for everyone and what is required will be clear and accessible for all because of the truth and simplicity that can be felt.
Surrendering to our bodies is fundamental for any kind of true evolution. We have fallen for the illusion that knowledge and the mind is more powerful then the body when in fact listening to the body is essential for a healthy joyful life.
I used to live life like this, “incredibly angry as a person (although smothered with ‘nice’)”; that is one big and destructive form of control, and a very exhausting one at that. In fact trying to be anything other than who we naturally are is very exhausting. It took some time to understand this but when I finally did my whole life made sense.
Something got triggered in me when I read that “there always seemed to be somebody there, waiting to control”. What I realised is that the person who is meek and nice and compliant is actually just as controlling if not more so than the ones who are apparently in control. It never ceases to astonish me what a sinister game we play with each other and how secretive and underhanded it all is.
Control is such a defense mechanism, it is very healing to be able to express and nominate the many ways we manage life with control so to finally break away from it’s hold on us and once again embrace the love within us that allows us to meet life through our bodies surrendering to what it is.
Quite a can of worms you have opened up here, one that needs opening up for sure. Workplaces are a prime example of control and mine is no exception; whenever I feel stressed and under time pressure, I can easily resort to controlling others, especially those of whom I think that they won’t resist. My voice gets louder, more dominant and feels tight and squeezed; I talk faster and my whole body feels constricted and hard. It is like an automated reaction lest something terrible will happen that I am going to be made responsible for – and it feels horrible and is actually an act of aggression.
Its an ugly word control, and yet it is so commonplace, wielded daily from the school playground, to work environments, to the kitchen. There are innumerable different forms of control, yet only one antidote and that comes through choice. The choice to turn up the volume of our own inner voice, to connect with our essence and who we really are. When we do that we start getting a different message of what is true, and that is impossible to control.
MAS you raise so many issue in this blog. I know I will return to read it a few more times. The subject of control at work is current so it was great to reflect on what’s going on for me with the inspiration of what you have written.
When we try to impose control over ourselves, others or a situation we are out of rhythm with the natural Divine order of the Universe.
For myself, control is protection from being hurt and this especially comes in at times when I have not been paying attention to my own self-care and the movements that I have made in the day. Control then comes in after a feeling of not being able to handle a situation. But the truth is that we are always able to handle everything that is presented to us – the key is to love ourselves as much as possible so that when these challenging situations arise, which they very often do, we will have the resources within to handle them with care and to bring a depths of love that can only come from self-love.
True power is the lived authority of God through us, anything else can be glossed up and made to be something it is not. When we are truly powerful we are never in control, true power comes with surrender never control.
When we choose control, what we are really saying to ourselves is….’you are not worth it’. That you are not worth expressing or ‘being’ who you truly are. I know that I have chosen control many many times, to protect myself, to not express in my fullness. It never usually feels very good, in fact it always feels awful. So to choose connection, is definitely the way to go.
I can relate to what you have shared MAS. I was going to say I am working on letting go of my control. But really that just sounds controlling. I feel observing it and recognising control for what it is and how it affects not just myself, but everyone else is an important first step, or at least being willing to. I am absolutely willing to see this and how I allow it to play out in my own life. I do know that the effect on my body and my life is huge. It’s investing to ponder on that if I use so much effort to control aspects of my life then there must be something completely awesome I am trying to ‘hold in/back’ from.
MAS you really are a brilliant writer and quite the powerhouse – please keep writing. Reading your blog again today has exposed the absolute illusion that controlling anything actually gives me anything. In those moments I can see that I still dismiss me and the connection I have and instead let pockets of emptiness steer me to the dangling carrot of something to control. Choosing control is such a reduction of my true essence, and of the joy and love I can choose to experience in connection.
Your blog has also given me insight today that when someone makes an off comment, something that is meant to unsettle or be disrespectful, they can in fact be reacting to the harmony and love around them and be trying to disturb this as a way of maintaining control.
We think that by using control, we are staying safe, the reality is, we are staying lost, trapped in our own web. When we choose to surrender and connect to our bodies, then we can feel what is there to be done or said, then we know that we are on the right path, one that is only about love and truth.
I am learning to catch myself more and more when I go into control, particularly towards another. There is a huge difference between suggesting something to another and allowing the space for them to make their own decision and learn from the consequences of that choice, rather than, telling someone what to do which immediately says ‘I know better than you’ …. in reality it’s actually saying I am superior. The former is supportive, whereas the later takes away the person’s right to make their own choice in how to go about something, it takes away their opportunity to learn for themselves and there’s a good chance their choice will be a far better choice for them, because they made it.
It is amazing how much I have tried to control life, situations, people all to not get hurt or challenged. But what if by doing so, as has been the case for me, I then missed out on the learning and beauty of what was before me. After all if I had it all figured out then why was I not living a life full of love, one where I had an abundance of energy and was not moody etc..? Perhaps we are not as intelligent as we think we are when we think we are in control!
Thank you for sharing this MAS. I could really relate to stress increasing the need and drive to control life. Because when stressed I go into this act that I can’t handle the situation and refusing to honor that I can feel my way through situations rather than try and think my way out which is how we are taught to deal with stress. Connecting to how I feel in a situation allows for a steadier approach rather than the panic and strain of trying to control what I cannot.
It’s a good point you have raised here MAS, control is a protective mechanism- almost like a default program we go to when a situation is getting too much but it’d be much easier if instead of relying on control to survive we start to build a foundation of appreciation of who we are ( our innate quality)that would allow us surrender and trust more to the divine.
It’s quite incredible when we consider all the ways we’ve manipulated others through playing the ‘nice’ card to get what we want. As you’ve described MAS, what changes this is committing to making life about love and about truth, first, and building a connection to our body so that we can feel and express all that is there to be felt – even if this just means admitting to ourselves what it is that we can feel.
Its interesting to note how control disappears when we hold ourselves in Love. Could this be the missing ingredient to solve the control, corruption and coercion in the world?
This is just so timely and perfect for me to read and feel. I can see how I have been allowing external tension to affect the way I have been eating and sleeping lately and not the other way round – building a strong foundation based on love and taking it out to the world and living it. “Removing control from the home had the added effect of sending the issue back to the place where it should have been addressed in the first place – the workplace or the person with whom the tension was initially felt” – this made me realise how I was holding back my expression.
Control abounds on so many different levels – it is mistaken for power, or order.. for so many false palaces but underneath they are all about the subjugation of one person’s expression by another. When we sniff it out it will feel horrible, and that is where the acceptability of the term in the dictionary is so poisonous.. it in some way allows it to be normal, and therefore allows it to continue unchecked.
” I am only controlled when I allow myself to be controlled ” this is true as when we succumb to that which is not love we are given ourselves over to be played with by other energies making us feel like there is nothing worth appreciating within us, at the end of the day it comes down to a choice of what we choose to align to.
Control can creep in in the most subtle of ways! I love how you have exposed the silent and withdrawn way of being as a form of control too – this goes to show that on some level, we are all trying to control . But we also need to understand why we would want to do this – and it is as you have shared MAS, about hurts that lie within that we have perhaps not voiced nor dealt with on some level. This is a wonderful blog to have come across and read this morning! Thank you for this reminder that we can let ourselves feel the hurts, let them go and hence let go of the need to control any outcomes.
The only thing that can be controlled is the energy chosen, very helpful reminder. Thanks
When life situations become stressful it’s interesting that we can turn to control to cope or manage how life is, instead of becoming more loving and self supportive. I know for me that being controlling has only every hurt me and those around me, instead of surrendering to how fragile or vulnerable I feel and increasing the self love and nurturing. Choosing love can actually be our default, we don’t have to choose control.
Letting go of control and embracing surrender has brought and continues to bring many life lessons. My body is the barometer of control or wisdom, frustration or clarity, resentment or understanding. Never ending thanks to Serge Benhayon for presenting that the body is the marker of truth.
It’s funny to now see just how much control plays out in our lives and how it can even be very subtle the way it sneaks in to different situations too. What I have noted lately is just how much this hurts the body and compounds how we move and ultimately live daily. I really find taking small moments in my day to check in with myself and my posture has really helped me stay connected to myself and how I move through the day. It’s super fun exploring the subtle movements too.
The most important thing I am learning is the relationship I have with myself, it’s not about trying to make it work or fit in with everyone else, it’s about honouring my body and knowing that some people may like me and some may not. It’s about feeling that and not needing people to be a certain way – it’s about letting go of hurts and bringing more understanding and love.
The power of walking is immense.
Control is an insidious and deeply embedded consciousness that affects all our lives, and yet, it is possible to live without it… now that really is a miracle.
The illusion of control is that anything can be controlled. No matter how much you think you can control, or are being controlled, neither is true because every person has free will as to how they will respond.
Wow, as I was reading your blog again MAS, I started to appreciate how open and honest you were about how you used control in your life and at work. I then started to reflect back to times where I also used control instead of just being love, how that affected me and people around me. The overall feeling of control is awful, restrictive and crushing. Really highlights to me how by being honest and willing to look at how I have been controlling supports me to learn and grow from these experiences. Thank you for sharing this brilliant blog.
I too have noticed that control is such a false master. It is we who are out of control when we attempt to control others.
MAS I can relate to having been controlled as a child by my parents and therefore responding to this unresolved hurts by putting up walls of protection, keeping myself small and remaining silent. I gave up on letting my light shine and being my playful self at home. I instead chose to feel the victim and distance myself from loving my parents and myself. However, thanks to Serge Benhayon, his amazing healing modalities and retreats/ courses I have now realised I am not my hurts and it is time to reclaim who I truly am, from a foundation of connection to love, and not control.
I can relate to this Lorettarapp, and reflecting back I realised I contributed to the control I experienced as a child by playing small and staying silent. This choice seems to hurt more than when I was being controlled by another person, it is a choice to not stand up for myself and for feeling fearful that really deep down hurts a lot. I have learnt to clear and let go of this hurt as it comes up. Now, I understand, standing up for truth is the most powerful feeling and I am learning to do this more and more.
In any situation whether we perceive ourselves as the controller or the controlled, we are as responsible for perpetuating control, which stands in the way of connection, our gateway to true relationship and the foundation that will turn around all the disharmony and dysfunction we see in the world today.
Thank you MAS – it is an absolute paradigm shift to understand that we always choose to be controlled and yet I can feel this is absolutely true. The outside world can impose on us in countless different ways but if we are aware of the energy we are choosing we will only choose to connect and we cannot be controlled when we do this.
The control we think we have keeps us from knowing the wisdom we have, and how much we have to offer.
Yes this is true. The control we think we have and the manipulation we do to get what we think is the best outcome may in fact not be the best for us at all. What if all our controlling gave us something far less than what was available to us if we just let go.
There is such a depth of truth when realising the ways we can counter overt control with more subtle control by playing small. For me it has been a game I initiated and now I’m truly seeing the game for what it is. Holding others to ransom for their reactions so I didn’t have to feel mine. It’s been a bit of an ouch but feels like a weight lifts and the light comes in as well as the openness and appreciation of us all.
What an amazing read, thank you MAS. Your exposé on the subtleties of control was very exposing as we can have a set image of a “controlling person” yet we by being submissive can also be controlling and just as manipulative. I really appreciated your raw honesty, it opened the door for me to feel many things inside myself around being controlling, and has given me a sense of complete loving acceptance to see those things. Brilliant MAS, please keep writing, we need voices such as yours.
The word that haunts me when thinking of control is manipulation – either by someone else, or me manipulating a situation so it suits me. Its an unpleasant feeling for sure but something that is happening all the time on lots of different levels. I’ve also noticed how exhausting it is…. whereas when I let go, feel what is really going on and then simply express myself its effortless, joyful and a much simpler way for others to be around.
Control stops the flow of love, but re-connecting to ourselves both initiates and supports the flow within and all around us.
Sometimes when I read a blog, a sentence jumps out and I highlight it and copy it into here and then I write about it. But reading your blog today MAS, there were so many. Your writing is a powerful expose on the incredible and divisive hold that control can have on our lives and how we can choose to play it out. If all people in the world, had the courage like you MAS, to look at where control is in their life and how they play it out, the world would be a bit messy for a while as the walls come tumbling down, but it would be a lot different once the dust cleared.
Learning to let go of control is a big one for many of us. I am sure there is a lot of us who can relate to much of what you have shared here MAS. That our ‘go to’ modus operandi is to control rather than see that the control only manifests as it does because we are not truly connected to ourselves.
We can either control or connect with others, it’s a definite choice.
Control does indeed feel like an invisible hand around our throat that thwarts not only our own true expression but those around us equally.
Letting go of controlling ourselves, situations and those around us, gives our families, colleagues, friends and others, the space to breath, to be who they naturally are and to let go of any like tendencies…and offers an opportunity for us all to have true connection, free of judgement, guards and mistrust.
As we let go and deeply trust our knowing of God, our body’s wisdom and choose Love, any such control and harm to ourselves and others, falls away.
This is a deeply inspiring blog. It goes to show that any entrenched familiar pattern, even if it’s been adopted generation to generation and the stock standard way, can be healed and a new choice in it’s place.
It is a bitter pill to swallow but well worth it to bring honesty to our patterns, choices and the impact we have on others.
There is so much for us to learn about such issues as control in our lives. Once we actually get the picture that even being submissive is a form of control it shines the light into these murky areas of our lives and opens up many doors. I have been accepting of control and also controlling in submissive way, I feel the awareness I now have, has made so much difference to how I am in the world in a positive way. This is what I love about Serge Benhayons Presentations is the opening up of awareness in areas of life. Particularly seeing how we are here to Evolve Humanity through Love and Brotherhood, we are not here for us individually.
Living in a way that honours our connection can give obstacles a new perspective: there is space to achieve whatever needs to be achieved, we express lovingly and truthfully, we stop looking for recognition and our drive for an outcome is a thing of the past. We can then read the behaviour of others around us and bring a deeper understanding as to what is really happening in any given situation. I absolutely love the lived wisdom shared here MAS, thank-you.
“It no longer mattered to me if another admitted to the issue or not, it was just about responding to the situation and providing an opportunity to express myself and deepen my relationships.” This one line reveals everything that we need to identify control in our relationships. When we let go of control we accept what is rather than manipulate the situation to gain a false sense of control and protection.
Real authority always comes from inside, when we act on that and come from truth we are expressing God – now that is real power.
There is such joy in replacing control with love. Control feels like such a huge thing in business, with processes and procedures being so key – when really we forget that business is simply about relationships and people, and having love as the foundation for relationships and people is the only thing that allows them to keep growing and evolving. Now that is a super business model.
when we talking groups about the possibility of admitting that we have control issues… Everyone simply laughs, because everyone puts up a hand usually and admits to having enormous control issues… It’s just a part of life… But as Mas says, it does not have to be.
A great awareness on the harm that sympathy actually causes us. The understanding that ‘having sympathy with yourself’ can blind us from reading people and situations is very valuable to learn. Sympathy doesn’t actually help anything, it just cements what ever has happened in irresponsibility and creates further hurts that need to be dealt with too. It’s so awesome to read about someone’s experience and how they have come to understand the part we play in life, that we are the ring leader and the master of our choices and life circumstances.
Committing to connection and letting go of control is an on-going rhythm for me. And the deeper I take it the more I am amazed as to the immense pressure and effort that I place myself under by trying to manage situations. No wonder I have been exhausted!!! I’m loving letting go, getting myself ever more out of the way and trusting my soul to know everything that there is to know, to impulse whatever is needed and to manage my diary for me!
I was deeply moved when you started talking about the difference between control and connection at home. When there is so much going on I will tightly control my time, the depth I am willing to go in any given situation, knowing exactly how much I can give here and there to get it all done. Yet what a missed opportunity. I don’t give all of myself in every situation judging one to be more important than another, and this can be especially true when I get home… and explains why sometimes it can be just a surface relationship, and others we clash because I am not really meeting my family with all that I am. Its deeply revealing.
You are quite right – being submissive and playing help- and/or powerless are all ways of getting what we want, all different ways to control people and situations.
Control vs Connection is also like calculation vs connection – The calculation of an outcome with layers of control can sometimes be very much part of the game – for me this calculation allowed me to apply the right amounts of control in situations (work or home) – very sneaky and exhausting! Thanks to Serge Benhayon and blogs like this I am reminded that connection with surrender is a most wise course – not always one that I can stay with, (getting sucked into the games we play) but when felt, connection and surrender I find is the greatest wisdom on earth.
What a great tip to do something to wind down from work before heading into the home round. I have 5 kids and come straight from work to home, my husband works until the kid’s bedtime so I am usually on my own, having a walk or a bath doesn’t really fit but what does fit is consciously winding down and processing my day on the drive home, letting go and brining connection at the first point I leave the car.
I had not ever realised that the nice and the good was a form of control, I like you was submissive not wanting to create waves getting on with people thinking this was the kind way to be. I was shocked to understand that this was all a form of control. I still find times of control happening when I go into fear or distrust. When I connect to the love within and trust what my body is telling me there is no need to control anything.
Control really is pernicious, and once we recognize its debilitating and destructive nature and undertake to let go of it, we find control has wormed its way into many aspects of our life… but it is such a great thing to be letting go of.
Control versus connection there is a massive difference. I find I tend to want to control situations and people to get things looking like a picture that I have created, and if I can then somehow everything is ok. Whereas connection, in my experience, allows for us each to be where we are at and then for what is ahead of us to unfold. Connection gives us space whereas control narrows us down into a focused stream.
Control sneaks into so many areas of my life. I have learnt that I can even hold my body in a way that prepares me for a fight so I can maintain control.
Ive noticed that if I hold an investment in a certain outcome then I will try to control the situation, rather than allowing what is needed to unfold.
Control ‘comes across as a threat even if the words do not indicate it as such, it suggests non-compliance has penalties, it’s a squashing of who I am, it demands I be submissive, it’s manipulative, it’s a secret game where the rules are known but never spoken’. It’s such a game that we play more often than we like to see, we use it in so many of our relationships, with friends, with family and with partners and it’s more harmful than we care to admit.
What really comes across in this piece of writing is how strong the manipulation was when the controlling behaviour was triggered, and how destructive it is – is it any wonder people put up a guard.
Control is used to assure that our level of comfort isn’t undermined. I know when I go into control I get a sense of where this interaction is going and try and sway it a different way. This process of control is very jarring and goes against the natural flow of life.
Control isn’t natural.
MAS control is huge and has been huge for many of us. For me control stems back to a picture of how I want or need things to be. The moment I have a picture I want everything to conform to fit it. But ultimately this just leads to hurt as everybody has free will and can make their own choices so the picture will never be fulfilled.
If I am not wanting to address a situation and express what needs to be expressed with another, this is an indicator of my level of self love at that time, which obviously is not there, as if it were, I would feel the impulse to say what needed to be said to clear my body without any need, leaving the way open for the other to have the opportunity to feel that reflection and experience a whole new way to be together.
You blog reminds me MAS that everything I need to understand and respond to life is contained in the reconnection to love and truth, all right here in my body which of course is my vehicle of expression. There is no excuse for not expressing this truth and indeed we do great harm when we choose not to be who we truly are.
MAS I feel like I have had a great ‘life lesson’ reading your blog! In the end it is so simple; we simply need to develop our own love for ourselves and know that our true power is within. I love the way you unfolded this truth MAS, thank you.
‘The payoff for me was to be liked and accepted by others’ MAS I can relate so much to altering my behaviour so that I would be liked and accepted. Looking back there are so many things that I did in order to be liked. For example I used to play myself and my family down so that another would not feel less, I would listen to others at length and not talk about myself, I would focus and build up other people’s achievements, I would be super nice, I would ask to look at other people’s photos and spend ages talking to them in detail about what we were looking at, oh the list goes on and on and yet what in truth was I achieving in this false state of being? Nothing of any value could have come out of it, although at the time I believed that what I was doing was ‘good’. Something has to be truthful for it to yield true value.
Well said Joe, which is why we will eventually return to a way of living that renders the need for control to absolutely zero, thereby eradicating it from life completely.
Thanks MAS this article is very timely for me, true power comes from connecting to within and when this occurs theirs no need for control
We need to redefine our definition of control from not just one that is physical but also energetic. Until our definitions meet the truth of our actions we will always be fooling ourselves
MAS – Your sharing is very important and exposes the game of control we so openly welcome into our lives.
The world is built around power and control but not in the true sense – they have both become ways to manipulate and feel secure when really this is a very false economy.
What you describe here as true power, claiming you based on a foundation of love, feels like an unshakable foundation that we have strayed away from. To truly know we have a responsibility to make a choice that is supportive is absolute power in the sense that is supports everyone.
I find nothing wrong with control per se – a car needs to be under control when driven, otherwise … I wonder if there is a difference between control and coercion? The intent of the control is very important and when we are able to discern the intent behind the control it becomes a much easier choice how to respond – acceptance, withdrawal or otherwise.
To live under control is not to live at all. It’s too draining and completely vain, since it’s impossible to control anything. The opposite option is not to trust, but stay connected to ourselves, to know what to do at each moment and to reach understanding about what comes to us.
Great point Amparo, that to live by attempting to control all aspects of our lives is totally draining and a waste of energy. The title of this blog says it all – connection or control.
When we focus on the energy in which we live, control dissipates. It is easy for me to step out the quality I live in and become focused on outcomes which inevitably needs to control. For a long time I was addressing this behaviour, but that only served as a distraction and it was like trying to dig myself out of wet sand. Stepping out of the game entirely and looking at the quality in which I live results in control (along with most other things) melting away with no effort whatsoever.
There are many different ways to control, some are very obvious but the more subtle games and manoeuvres played out in relationships leave very few of us without the experience of being controlled or of being controlling. They both afford us protection from life and from taking responsibility for ourselves, only through reconnecting to ourselves can we see the truth of the games we play and eventually let go of holding on so tightly, learning to trust the process of life.
‘perhaps the ultimate control. It is here that I first learned to be submissive and compliant.’ That’s a big one that might take a while for people to fully understand .. that being submissive and compliant it actually the ultimate control! Growing up I felt like I had absolutely no control over my life, that nothing I did could or would make a difference. The enlightening thing I have been reminded by Serge Benhayon and a Universal Medicine is that we ALWAYS have a choice it is just many times we do not choose what is loving or true for ourselves. So me feeling I was not in control on some level was a choice I choose so that I didn’t have to move forward, claim who I am, take responsibility for all of my choices and what I had lived, be seen in the world and live with purpose.
When we are in control, we turn off the light, close the door and deny access and awareness to the divinity that’s all around us. When we are in connection with our glorious selves, we allow heaven on earth.
Alison, so simple but true, When we are in connection we allow far more to happen then we could ever imagine and the best thing is no matter what happens outside of us we feel content because we have an understanding of what is going on and so do not react.
Yes it is up to us which one we choose, control or connection. It can take some time to choose the connection side of the coin when one has been in control for a long time (life times), but when we do begin to choose connection, it is well worth it.
When we are in controlling mode essentially we believe that we are in a lesser position and use a lot of force and effort to make sure we are safe. Control is a very ugly way of living because it can even be preformed in the nice and polite behaviours. Like asking that a child hug a relative they feel not to is a form of control, what if there was something to learn about how we can honour our feelings by allowing the child to express that they don’t want to hug them because something doesn’t feel right.
The issue of control is a biggy for many people, I have noticed myself lately I can see and feel the big picture but then get lost in trying to control the outcome or the final details which when left unfold naturally. What I am noticing is that the more I surrender to my body, the universe and what I know is true, the less need I have to try to control.
It’s fascinating to realise how we’ll seek to get our control fix elsewhere if we’re unable to deal with issues head on that make us feel disempowered. So our families can quickly become our go-to brunt-bearers as displacement for our reluctance to express truth in the workplace – and vice versa.
Well said MAS, ‘I am only controlled when I allow myself to be controlled’. Whilst we do not always want to accept this fact it is true. We can blame others for being controlling but what part are we playing?
‘Control or connection:It’s a choice’ When we start to acknowledge, our world is opening up and we can choose to make our life about love . Control is a way of life, it feels rigid in whatever form we choose to control. And like you have shared MAS it can be a bitter pill to swallow but it is worth it. A life based on love is the true way to live.
Beautifully said Annelies, we can live according to the rigidity of control or the flow of love. The choice is ours.
Isn’t it sad that because we have been hurt by one person we are walking around expecting to be hurt by everybody else, so we harden ourselves, make ourselves small, disconnect from people etc as a form of protection, protection that usually ends up hurting us anyway; it’s crazy to think that we actually end up hurting ourselves. But choosing to let go of the fear and the control, and instead choosing to build a foundation based on love makes life a whole lot easier to live and with the re-connection to ourselves relationships naturally begin to blossom.
Thank you Mas I loved your blog and can relate to being controlling, I too have been quiet, compliant, not making waves, not releasing that this too was a form of control. I recently went into a control situation with my sons, arrogantly thinking I could control the situation. I love these words ” the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live. “
I too work in a very controlling workplace, so I can relate to what you share here MAS. I do find the more connected I am, the less control affects me, as where there is an openness and vulnerability in someone, it disarms the control.
It’s so interesting and alarming to realise that even passive behaviour that manipulates is a form of control. Even playing it small is controlling. Being truthful on the other hand, allows everyone to have a choice and the truth respects everyone.
Beautiful blog thanks MAS, today I was particularly drawn to what you have expressed here;
“Re-Connection – that’s the answer, and that’s my choice”. To reconnect by tender, self-loving choices is certainly the way to go; the choice is always ours, always.
“The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.” Like you MAS I find that this ingredient is always missing when I am feeling out of control or controlled. The choice to feel deeply our tenderness and love of self is certainly the key.
Thank You MAS, what a inspiring blog, I am struggling with this as I have grown up with a life of control. I never paid that much attention to how there is so much control everywhere in life, in the workplace, home, relationships and now I see how I’ve been shaped by it, yes that was my choice as I allowed it. But as a young boy and then a young man, every time I spoke up about anything within my family I was crushed and rejected by those around me. So I learnt to be quiet and not express myself which leaves me feeling worse than been rejected. Great to know there is another way.
Yes Brendan, this is a confronting truth and a huge healing if we choose to see control for what it truly is.
Re-reading this; ‘Living in a way that honors our connection can give obstacles a new perspective: there is space to achieve whatever needs to be achieved, we express lovingly and truthfully, we stop looking for recognition and our drive for an outcome is a thing of the past. We can then read the behavior of others around us and bring a deeper understanding as to what is really happening in any given situation.’ makes me ask myself the question, how did we ever walk away from our connection?
“This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment.“ Living in this way we realize that we are not victims but have the power to determine the way and quality we choose to be with other people and equally they will be with us.
Control is protection. It also cuts us off from other people. If we are trying to control something we miss out on the potential for learning and appreciating people, and the magic that makes things come together.
“Control is protection” this is true harryjwhite. Through controlling other people we avoid showing how sensitive, fragile and delicate we are.
We try to avoid getting hurt, but hurt ourselves and others when we control.
Love what you mention about workloads and control. Putting deadlines and outcomes ahead of people will ultimately fail because to do that people have to leave themselves, and drive for an outcome. People need to come first and when people are first, the outcomes may be surprising.
“After 18 years of living in this environment and by then incredibly angry as a person (although smothered with ‘nice’).” This is very common. Niceness is what we use to hide how we are actually feeling. The whole world thinks it’s good to be nice but it’s another layer on top of emotions like anger, sadness and distress.
I love this – “Re-Connection – that’s the answer, and that’s my choice.” It is mine too and it is a life changing choice.
Yes Elizabeth, it is simply in our connection to our bodies and essence within as when we do this everything that is not true seems to dissipate creating space for what is.
Absolutely Elizabeth re-connecting is a life changing choice.
I find it ironic that when we are stressed typically it is control we seek to feel a sense of safety in amongst the busyness and overwhelm of the situation before us. Yet it is actually our innermost, the choice to reconnect back to ourselves that will actually bring a true sense of confidence and strength in the situation before us. Far greater than any control can bring which feels like a management strategy at best and not a true cure
This article allows me to see how controlling it is to ‘play it safe’ as for me this always involves a manipulation of others. Up until I read this blog this morning I had a belief that it was ok to ‘let other people think it was their idea’ and play off against arrogance. THis was survival! Control is exhausting. I love connecting to the fact that I can let it all go and simply be honest and loving.
What i have learnt about control is that it often feels heavy, restrictive and complicated while letting go of control offers expansion, flow and a lightness.
When control becomes part of the game we play in everyday life, not only is it abusive to ourselves and others, it completely stops our ability to speak the truth.
“If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life” Beautiful. There is great power in surrendering to the flow of ourselves, because at any given moment, we are in relationship with what we are doing and the all that lives with us.
Great blog MAS! Control feels like a protection, something that we do to avoid feeling vulnerable, or in a situation which we aren’t familiar with! I know the feeling of being ‘out of control’ and the things I have learned have been amazing. I love how you made the distinction that, there is one thing we CAN control – and that is the energy we choose to live by, the choice in us to be all that we are or the choice to be less responsible.
This is a great point about how controlling it is to play the victim in our lives – “whilst I was in sympathy with myself, I was failing to acknowledge just how irresponsible I was being with other people, and the harm that I was causing by being controlling and abrasive myself.” Abuse towards our selves is abuse towards everyone.
What was I trying to be in charge of when I go into control? It is also one half of a dynamic that one person comes off as less than. No one wins when control is the name of the game and it takes a huge amount of energy.
This is a huge wakeup call around the subtleties, and not so subtle ways we control or are controlled by self or others. Than you MAS for this amazing blog.
So true Brendan and when we control children we clip their wings and stop them showing us the gorgeousness of who they are.
Control has many faces and is often presented in a way we least expect. My ‘picture’ of control has been one of force, being bossy, anger, intimidation and blame but there is a face to control that is overlooked and that is playing the victim, the martyr, the nice and caring one. This has exposed much of what we allow in our lives so that we don’t have to take responsibility for the way things might be that is not about love first. Great Blog MAS – an opportunity for us all to reflect on the choices we make and the truth we live.
‘Connection, connection, connection’ when we are connected tthere is no place for control.
As I started reading this blog I could see how others at work were controlling and as I kept reading it occurred to me how my behavior of putting myself as less or being submissive was actually part of the cycle too. In this I have realised the part I have been playing. Thanks MAS.
Well said Brendan and how beautiful is it when someone shows us who they really are.
Yes Vicky it’s super beautiful. It’s like the world just is and we breath with it, everyone simply being themselves.
Recently I have been witness to some extremely controlling behaviours and the thing that stood out for me apart from how abusive it is, is that the thing they seek – true loving relationships, remains beyond reach and will never happen while the controlling behaviours remain. So while they think that this is keeping them safe it is also keeping them completely isolated and unloving.
This is a truly wonderful blog presenting we are controlled when we agree to being controlled because we want the pay-offs. I recently watched a drama which invited the audience’s sympathy to the characters being ‘controlled’. At no point did their responsibility get highlighted and how their unwillingness to be open, honest and powerful created their situation and harmed all those around them, and how all those around them were buying into their lies for their convenience too. It was so clear that if the characters stepped into their power and responsibility control would instantly dissolve.
‘As love became my new foundation, it unleashed a power within, a true power, with absolute responsibility not to harm, nor to play the game of compliance.’ This is super amazing. Choosing the energy I live by is the start to a new life, a new way of living where being in sympathy with my story ends.
I just love this blog and so timely for me to read again. I am starting to do the following… “We can then read the behaviour of others around us and bring a deeper understanding as to what is really happening in any given situation.” I don’t take what is happening personally but can see what is taking place and call it out within myself so i stay connected and don’t hold back the love.
“I learned to keep myself small and I became withdrawn, sad and depressed. I can now say that this way of being was a form of protection because it emitted the energy of “please don’t come near me because I have been hurt by others.”” I know how this feels, it took we awhile to recognise what had happened, but not long after I met Serge, and his loving support and words of wisdom help change my life.
“I played to their arrogance and purposely dulled myself down by making myself submissive, small and even unintelligent, so that others felt important.”….the first part of this line really struck me because I was like — woah, I have done this and had it done to me and both felt pretty awful. There is great clarity when you can see what is coming towards you (or from you) and hold steady and not react. It is our choice whether we choose connection or control. Thank you for a powerful article on this subject.
“This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment”.
Trusting and choosing to express in a quality of energy that is truthful and loving; what a wonderful insight and wisdom you have shared MAS, thank you.
“Stress is a good indicator that we will turn to control as a means of getting by – controlling in our work and controlling people.” This is something I use to do a lot, turning to control was so automatic when I was in moments of stress. There was a lot of stress in my life, stress at, work, stress at home. The only way I use to manage was my controlling the situation, controlling people. I wasn’t very nice to be around. I started to change the way I was living with the Support of Universal Medicine, as I started to be more self loving the stress started to reduce. Now I have more love, nurturing and tenderness in my life, I no longer suffer from the stress. This has completely changed my life and my energy levels.
‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.’ – Beautifully said and very true MAS. In the past I also lived life with a lot of protection and hurts and controlling everyone around me to avoid further hurt. Letting go of this destructive pattern and dealing with my hurts has been key to living life with more joy and love and deepening the relationship with myself and others.
It is very exposing the levels of control that we allow in life as a way to stay in comfort and not rock the boat for ourselves and others around us.
Allowing ourselves space to re-connect, allows for openness to be shared with all. When we let go of the need to control, we allow for the space to just be ourselves. Awesome.
I was just revisiting your blog MAS which I find amazing in bringing up light around some of the ways the energy of control actually works, and it just struck me how spot on (and powerful) the title of this blog is ” Control or Connection: It’s a Choice”
This is such a fascinating blog bringing light to what “control” actually is and the fact that there is so much of it going on in our lives and around us. Living with or being the subject of control is pretty horrific when we start to really feel into it. It is that awareness that supports the taking of responsibility to choose another way to live and renounce it. Choosing to live from connection with surrender to the flow of life and making everything about people first is the way…
So beautifully expressed “I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.” We do have choice here, it it is forever evolving but the choice in every moment remains…do we take responsibility for what we live or not, a choice. It is not about being hard on ourselves, but deepening our awareness of ourselves and others and feeling what there is to feel. From this we can make choices that are more supportive, loving and responsible. Developing an awareness of our free will, in this situation called life, absolutely alters how we experience it, live it and express ourselves.
In reading some of the comments here and your beautiful blog MAS, I feel so ready to go out into my day, meeting people without the control but the understanding of the set up. I can see the love and the divine spark in people and this is what I want to see and feel, not what they pretend to be, in identification of behaviours or suffering and in reaction to the worlds plaque.
Of course, nobody can really control me – I am only controlled when I allow myself to be controlled- this is the life I have to live when I choose to stay in this contraction and belittling version of myself. Then the control can get me from everywhere and it does make it very tight and uncomfortable to live with.
‘whilst I was in sympathy with myself, I was failing to acknowledge just how irresponsible I was being with other people, and the harm that I was causing by being controlling and abrasive myself.’ I have become more and more aware of this syndrome, not just in me but in others around me. It is as if we feel a frustration in ourselves and instead of truly addressing this we turn inward and find a way to avoid the responsibility it is asking of us. We become abrasive with others and ourselves or depressed, withdraw more and feel like giving up. The more I continue to re-connect to my body the less this energy has it’s way with me. The more centred I become the less what is happening around me affects me – and if I have to remove myself because the abuse is too severe so be it.
Connecting with our bodies… so simple and yet so profound, and this re-connection is indeed the answer.
Absolutely cjames2012, the power of re-connecting to the love in our bodies and moving in it can dissipate anything that is not from our divine selves.
“Of course, nobody can really control me – I am only controlled when I allow myself to be controlled – and with this I began to wonder if there is some payoff for playing this sinister game, which of course, there is.” When I discover/realised this it was so empowering as I realised that I had a choice. Of it was not over-night suddenly that I was free of the influences that I allowed, or more truthfully chose, to control me but a work in progress. In fact, one that still continues as I find more and more subtle understanding of what control means, particularly those that come from ‘doing good’ or belief systems.
“If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.” As soon as we connect to our body, we are no longer controlled by our head, our body supports us to surrender and this surrender lets go of the control as we connect deeper into the knowing and the feeling within our body. This is the beautiful feel of surrender – true inner connection.
I realise that control can be deceiving and subtle, it can come in all forms. The gestures of seeming to be doing good. My experience was where others would go out to do things for you, suggest you eat, drink, dress in a particular way. A form of control, yet seemed as a loving gesture. Do your washing for you, iron your clothes, a form on control, so they don’t feel out of control.
Awareness and re-connection to the body is the only way we can become aware of the control measures we use on a daily basis – they are so well used and familiar the tension caused cannot be felt in the mind – only the body never lies.
“If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life”.
True Brendan – the cost is certainly huge: including exhaustion, separation, anxiousness, stress, overwhelm etc. Sometimes when we achieve this way, when we get there it is not all we thought it would be anyway! The grass is always greener on the other side…..until you get there.
Control has a devastating effect on every relationship we have, it creates a constant tension. I can feel how choosing love changes this completely, as there is a constant support from ourself and our inner heart, that doesn’t need to control anything, as I trusts in itself.
I can feel how much I have been investing in the need to control, loading myself with frustration and bitterness, hardening up. With no trust, I had set myself up for the world and situations that would constantly let me down to confirm my choice. It is so liberating to see through the mechanism of this self-made trap – which vanishes itself whenever I choose to connect back to who we truly are, and I have a choice to make that my constant choice.
” I started by allowing time when I arrived home from work to process the day, by having a bath or going for a walk.” Great advice for anyone and everyone.
Allowing time instead of rushing through our daily life is a massive change. It enables us to feel what we are truly up to.
Absolutely Michael. I love the feeling of spaciousness when I allow myself plenty of time to get to places. It takes rushing completely out of the equation so I have much more of an opportunity to arrive at my destination fully connected. Rushing does the opposite – I leave myself behind and by the time I reach where I’m going I am way ahead of myself and feeling very anxious.
What this blogs shows me is how it is possible to choose the quality of our relationships. How we can choose to allow control to be a part of them or not.
It is my choice how my relationships work out and what I allow to be a part of them. If they do not feel as they should, it is my choice and power to change them, not by forcing others to change, but by starting to make changes myself and allow others to then feel inspired and join me.
There is so much in this very open honest blog MAS. It helps me realise the games I play both at work and home to keep myself feeling comfortable and in control. Of course this is an illusion- this control does not keep me from being hurt- it keeps me in my hurts. Withdrawing from my family and hiding to avoid confrontation is a way I try to control my environment. The more I build on my foundation of a solid connection with myself, the more I trust that this foundation of Love supports and holds my inner connection. I can then let go of control no matter what is happening outside of me.
“Living in a way that honours our connection can give obstacles a new perspective: there is space to achieve whatever needs to be achieved, we express lovingly and truthfully, we stop looking for recognition and our drive for an outcome is a thing of the past.”
Beautifully said MAS and very true in my experience too. I am stunned by the many different ways we can choose to express control. Many people would not consider themselves controlling and yet they do not express lovingly and truthfully, are attached to outcomes and recognition and feel there is not enough time in the day. All of these things indicate control is at play.
This is amazingly inspiring to read, I feel control is a big part of my life, not letting go is something I am very good at. But I have experienced that when I choose to be present with my body, it dissipates. It won’t affect me, I am just with me, so why would I try to get something from someone else, all is already there. There is no need for control and not letting go.
“As love became my new foundation, it unleashed a power within, a true power, with absolute responsibility not to harm, nor to play the game of compliance.” It is clear that the power of love eliminates the need to control. Control is after all simply a form of false protection that we employ in an attempt to feel safe, however, we often ignore the fact that the control creates more of the situations we are attempting to protect ourselves from in the first place.
Exactly Leonne: control makes us feel that we need to be more controlling. We never get to the point were we feel that our lives are completely controlled by us. Control is not the protection we wish it to be, yet we often cling to it. The less we try to protect ourselves, the more we will feel that there is no need for protection.
Control is a huge issue that many of us brush over, unaware that it is going on, your words “The payoff for me was to be liked and accepted by others, so I overlooked another’s controlling ways and learned how to work around them in my own controlling way.” It’s very revealing how we play our own games with control.
“As love became my new foundation, it unleashed a power within, a true power, with absolute responsibility not to harm, nor to play the game of compliance. This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment.” This is great MAS. As love is becoming my foundation I am able to see control for what it is – a game played by people who feel ‘less than’ in themselves and so try to manipulate others. Bringing understanding to this ensures I react far less and have a choice to remain open and as your title reflects I then have a choice to “control or connect”.
Control or connection – its a choice!! Wow, the title says it all. All of what unfolds in life is completely our doing, whether is it to learn something, balance out karma or reflect something to another, it all has an order to it, responsibility. That is a word we do not necessarily want to take ownership of, that it is totally our choice to either control what is going on around us or connect with ourselves, through that connection we have the wealth of wisdom not only from this life, but all our lives.
Beautiful Raegan. Responsibility is a standout here as I can see that allowing myself to be controlled is a control in itself as it ensures this is an attempt to shift responsibility to another.
You clearly expose how it is either Love or Control. No in between and nothing else. It is or it is not control and that is super revealing for us all. Even submission is control as it is not Love.
This is great Joshua – straight and to the point of Love or Control and there is ‘No in between and nothing else’.
‘Reclaiming the Power Within – The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.’ without building self love there will always be control in our lives. Love connects us back to our knowing and the purpose of life. Living in a controlling way by manipulating what is true, is a very harming way to live and express. The moment we call it out and connect to what is true we all get blessed with the love, the power we are.
“My personal description of ‘control’ suggests that it is something we feel rather than using logic.” I love this. Such a simple lesson of using our body to feel what is true as opposed to thinking it.
Wow, this blog puts a whole new level to the meaning of control. Very exposing and something I am sure that almost anyone can relate to. Trying to control is the opposite of being surrendered, and i am now learning that through surrendering to whatever situation, there is less tension and anxiety in my life, and far more joy. It is also funny how by being less controlling, things seem to work out so much better and with so much flow. Maybe it all just feels better as there is no longer such an investment in outcomes.
Well said Eleanor. I can see that surrender allows God’s plan to unfold and this allows us to feel we are not alone. Control denies the grandness of who we are and all we feel and creates a very narrow and limiting way of being that feels like hard work.
Hi Leonne! Well said. When things feel like hard work it is a good sign we are getting in the way and not allowing ourselves to surrender.
Agreed. A beautiful marker that also exposes where we are at as a humanity. For how many of us life feels like hard work? Even for me, although I have so much wisdom and having the blessing of studying with Serge Benhayon, the momentum of ‘hard work’ sits there from lifetimes and is not that easy to wipe out. It’s hard work at times to do so… hahaha!
Wow. This really blows the lid of something for us all to look at!
I really appreciate your sharing MAS. This is an informative and important read looking at the way we all, in some way in our lives control, or are being controlled . Much to ponder and change in relationships through letting go control and coming from love instead and accepting nothing less.
“The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself…” This is a very simple yet so profound… as it offers the key in how to bring momentums and patterns to a stop.
So true Brendan control might be a short term way to meet a need or avoid fear or anxiety but it is something done in our emptiness so what is gained or controlled is also of the same quality.
I love the honesty in this blog… thank you MAS for sharing. It’s incredible what we will do to have less than love in our lives. I can very much relate to being liked and accepted by others; this feeling of rejection from another I can still feel in my body but simply being aware of it is healing in itself. It is an illusion to give our power away to have another in our lives to make us feel better and loved as we are already love.
Playing the game of a victim controlling by seeking sympathy needs to be called out in all relationships as there is no love in allowing this behaviour to get away with it.
I agree Caroline, this is another way that is used to control. When sympathy is called out for what it is, it asks the one seeking sympathy to take responsibility.
Yes I agree Christopher, to call out this controlling behaviour is such a loving thing to do even though one may choose to indulge in the seeking of sympathy from another.
I was in a situation recently when I realised just how much I had allowed myself to be manipulated and controlled by someone who to the outside world would have seemed like my friend, the control and manipulation was subtle and it all came to a head when I had to honour what my body felt and put a stop to it. Although this wasn’t easy and there was a temptation to resolve it by going into story-telling about one or many times this had occurred, when I simply honoured what my body felt I then immediately received a symbol that showed me and confirmed what was going on. It made it easier to not be swayed by the ensuing drama as I had this symbol And my body to come back to as my foundation. Later when it was time to express more of how I felt I was given a dream which symbolised very succinctly the way I knew I was being manipulated and controlled which was much simpler to share than any explanation I could give from my head.
I deeply appreciate all you have talked about in this blog MAS and how we can be fooled into thinking the way out of being controlled is to become controlling but all this does is create a lot of pain and misery for everyone. There are in fact two types of energy we can choose to align to, one that is controlling us and the other that fully understands free will and knows it is all about our power to choose and never about control.
“I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.” This is really about self-responsibility MAS and the power this brings without needing to control or manipulate.
I like re-reading your blog MAS. It makes so much sense and confirms what I already know-through my body.
Sometimes I even speak aloud “I have no control of anything what so forever”. But I do. I have control of my breath and choices I make.
“Control or Connection: It’s a Choice”. I would not argue with the definition of control. I would dive into the controlling game. It would appear that we go into it when we are actively activating control but in truth the game is not less controlling when we respond to attempts of ‘being controlled’ since we clock that there is a way of behaving that will control how the other person behaves towards us (supposedly the controlled ones). Not to go into this game requires making a previous decision to connect to oneself and the others.
This exposes the game of control that everyone plays – seemingly wanting to be somewhere – enlightened, loved and free. What we don’t commit to first is connection and love – simply no control can exist if we choose this first.
It is a game Lee, especially when we are honest with ourselves as to why we want the control, and truly understand that we don’t actually have control at all. And the more we try and control, the further we are from being in our truth. We choose control over being ourselves, which gets us in a muddle of wanting security over being open with others and not needing the security in the first place.
A very truthful blog MAS, and again your blog is exposing a very important topic – abuse. I love what you explore about an abusive behavior. This following sentence for me is true power: “I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.” Imagine if we all would live like this – we would erase abuse in one go.
What I love about your expression MAS is that you exposed how when we use words in their diluted meaning the truth gets lost. The difference in your description of control and what is in the dictionary is huge. With the dictionary meaning it seems to be not that bad and something that is occasionally ok to do. When I read your words I truly knew what control is and how harming it is, knowing and having felt this I will to the best of my ability not choose control in my life.
I loved re-reading this MAS, there are many aspects to your story I can relate to. We all control in some way, it is through developing self awareness and how we interact with others and the honesty we want to bring to the table, identifies whether the control is conscious, or unconscious. Along with developing more self honouring and loving ways of being.
Control or connection, the choice is simple really but the reality of holding that choice, consistently, is a challenge. Easy to say it is a choice, and it always is, But!!
Thank you MAS for bringing a focus and gentle reminder to consistently make loving choices.
A simple choice, control or connection, the choice is always with us, but making that simple choice consistently can be a challenge, I agree Shirl.
A really great blog MAS getting us to reflect on the insidiousness and harm of control, choosing to connect with our bodies and surrender to the bigger plan helps start to release this, ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.’
Great quote, this stood out for me also, ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.’ There is a flow for sure, when we are trying to control an outcome, there is just complexity, pain and suffering for all involved.
It could be that trying to control something is actually an indication that there is a feeling of actually being out of control within ourselves.
Well said Johanne, what a great reflection. Wanting to control people or situations in the most obvious or subtle ways because we don’t have a handle on our own self, but act in a way as if we do with control.
Valid point Johannebrown17. What is out of control in us that we seek to control another?
There is a lot of control at my workplace because people do not trust each other. One result of this is that we have very complex and complicated structures that often take a lot of time/resources to comply with.
Oh that is the same on my workplace as well Pia – and I am wondering when they will find out that all the complex and complicated structure are one of the reason why their staff are getting so often ill.
A great point you are raising here piajung, the lack of trust shows how much protection we have not letting each other in, because when we can feel each other we do not need to trust because we know where we are at with each other. Obviously if I am closed off and not feeling the other I need to rely on structures of control, and I agree they take up a lot of time and resources – unnecessarily so.
How much would we as human beings be able to achieve if we would let each other in?
The three great pyramids are one example for what is possible.
‘Control’ – a very big subject.
I let control myself by others when I am in fear, anxious about something or strive for recognition and acceptance.
I control or manipulate others when through a certain behaviour I consciously make others behave in a certain way.
I control myself when I ‘think’ I have to be in a certain way or need to do things in a certain way instead of connecting to me and following my natural rhythm and expression. I control when I measure the way I live, how I express.
It is always my choice.
It can be quite shocking when we realise how we have allowed others to control us throughout our lives, almost allowing them to shut us down completely. But what is even more shocking I have found is how I have controlled others, controlling in ways I would never have thought of as being controlling in times past, but in opening more to myself I have been able to see that many of my behaviours and choices, in themselves not blatantly controlling, have held elements of manipulation and control.
So true rosemarydunstan – I was a little stunned by the realisation that depression is actually a form of control, however, after reading MAS’s description and experience of this I am left with no doubt this is the case.
This control we put in place is a protection. I recently looked at an area of my life where I was being controlling. I thought that controlling was only an overpowering energy and wasn’t aware how I was being controlling by being shut down and not wanting to be open with others.
Wow what a powerful blog. I love your closing sentence – Re-Connection- that’s the answer and that’s my choice ! Thank you for sharing MAS.
It’s true that we control others by holding onto our hurts..The message is ‘don’t come near me because I have been hurt’. It’s a clever tactic designed to keep people away. The absurd thing is that this is not something that any of us truly want.
I agree Rebecca the only result of control by holding onto hurts is we deepen our hurts that we later have to come back and heal. Like driving the wrong way, knowing that it is not the right direction – the only way back is to turn around.
So true Rebecca, we control because we are hurt. Taking responsibility and dealing with our hurts brings love in all our relationships.
Well said Rebecca, when we take responsibility, deal with these hurts and realise that they’re not us it releases the need for us to control and brings a deeper level of acceptance.
This part makes a lot of sense, those hurts that on the surface appear as ‘we are less, poor us’ are in fact – I am choosing to hold onto and not deal with my hurts so that I act in a certain way that keeps others out. It’s not protecting a hurt its protecting a bruised pride that doesn’t want to admit it’s shortfalls. Blame a hurt and no understanding can bring light on the subject and thus no love can enter. All to cover up the biggest hurt, the choice to separate from the love that we are.
Wow, the wisdom is pouring out of you Leigh, we are not in reality protecting our hurts but are simply to proud to admit that we had it wrong. I know this mechanism well and have observed the same in me.
I love this Leigh, getting to the core of the game we ultimately play. Control is part of that game, it keeps us set up literally in a box with hard defined edges so that we don’t get to feel the magnificence we naturally are. In that box we keep our hurts tucked away in the corner protecting them and the box we’ve created with all our might — no way will we step forth and let go of the self-created prison because then our hurts are no longer under the guise of the protection we think they are under.
But this prison box we’ve created is within our own bodies. Those hurts remain buried within our bodies, lurking in corners and pockets that we don’t want to see. And we go about lives with all this baggage and these hurts ready to be triggered whenever life presents something that brings up the memory and past pain….
Sadly, that is how the majority of us live. One person deeply hurt meeting another, ‘don’t hurt me’, and I’ll control how much of me I will let you see so that you don’t hurt me. We live in this lie day in day out.
Until one day we realise that this is a lie that’s killing us to the core while we’re still alive. At that point, we can start to choose to look inside the self-created fortress and gently deal with all those pockets of hurt that have dominated us until that point. And then our bodies start to open up, we feel the space within and without we are always meant to feel, control slowly starts to lose its grip, and we start to surrender to our own enormous love that we have so deeply missed.
And it’s a clever tactic to prevent people from truly seeing us, our magnificence and then remembering their own magnificence. Ultimately control is a game we play to avoid our grandness and power.
Control also has a debilitating effect on our bodies. Our entire body becomes a tightly clenched fist that tries to keep everything out for fear of being hurt. The sad irony is that in that shutting down and up we hurt ourselves so much more.
I have felt that Katerina and it is very crippling in the long run. Control serves no one and it keeps at bay what is there to be learned for everyone.
Control does have a bad effect on our body, I did not realise how bad it is until I started to related to my body and how tightly clenched it had become, the hardness and stiffness I had allowed. I would not let people in and felt low all the time too. It is amazing once you start opening up, letting the control go, how the body softens.
I agree Amita, the resistance that control brings to the body DOES make it hard and stiff, which really makes us more liable to be hurt. Hit a soft cushion, and it will soon regain its shape, hit a piece of glass, it may crack and shatter….
Yes Amita, it is so amazing, and how easy it is too. It’s what our bodies have been longing to do fora very long time.
I found this too Amita, As my body started to open up and let others in my interactions with others changed and I started making the most beautiful connections with people. This feels amazing compared to the way I had shut out the world and had lived in a contracted way.
This is so true Katerina. When i feel into my body the control I have attempted to have throughout my life, there is a built up tension and hardness. It also coincides with the protection I have been in. But it is so freeing to start to let that go and let love in and out, and connect to truth; something that is far beyond the need for control
Absolutely Katerina. When we try to control everything it does have an enormous impact on our bodies that can end up actually crippling us, both mentally and physically. It is a sad fact that so often we are not able to see or feel what we are doing to ourselves often until the symptoms have taken hold, which are then so much harder to treat.
“If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.” this paragraph stands out to me and has been my experience.
I have felt that often in the past and realise the harm that plays out on the body and those that we stop ourselves connecting with.
This is exactly my observations too. The hardness, constriction, contraction and holding of immense tension is never nice to feel at all. No wonder why we seek to numb ourselves in all the ways we do
So true Katerina, trying to control situations is hurting us more than anything that can be hurled at us from the outside, especially if we hold nothing in us where the abuse can stick.
This is my experience too, my whole body becomes tense and hard as I try to protect myself from being hurt, what is crazy though is I can feel how abusive it is for myself and the other person I am trying to control.
Preventing others from building loving relationships with us.
Yes and from this hurt we operate and often the result is – as MAS says – “by the time I left the role I was afraid of myself.”. When we dont want to feel the hurt and the shutdown, we can harden up and go more into control. I have done this and have been afraid of myself at time as well – as were other people – especially if I was in a ‘mood’. Fortunately I have changed and am dropping away this need to control. Thank you MAS for exposing what lies underneath control.
MAS, what you share about control is extremely revealing. I’m realising more and more the game we play with ourselves and others to keep ourselves seemingly protected (but not in actual truth) from being hurt again having been hurt before. Withdrawing, keeping ourselves under the radar, being apologetic for being who we are, all these are ways of controlling our environment. When we are seen we may just get hurt again….. I know for me it continues to be a learning to be absolutely solid in my inner connection and know that this holds me no matter what happens from the outside. The more I build this, the more I trust my own knowing and can let go of the control that’s been a bitter ‘friend’ for way too long.
I love what you share in you comment Katerina. I love it because I have felt the same games of control – there is still work in progress to not play this game, and I agree that holding a solid inner connection and building the trust into my own inner knowing helped me to let go more and more of this “bitter friend”.
Control comes from that false foundation of being hurt or the possibility that hurt could come our way. But when connected the hurt does not exist thus the control has no basis. The more I am re-connecting the more I am seeing how silly the reasons for why I should be controlling life, myself and others is and how much my body does not like to move in a controlling way.
Such profound wisdom your are sharing here Leigh Matson!
When I embrace myself and let go of my hurts there is no need to control anything as everything unfolds for me naturally – so true.
Yes this is really profound in what you’ve shared Leigh.
I’m just pondering on when I am connected I know we live in a body of love. We are always cared for and loved. I’ve been pondering God’s love has absolute detachment. Initially this unnerved me.
How could this be when we are loved whatever our choices? It is only in my hurt that I want to elicit a response from others, from God even, that tells me I am loved – crazy examples as small as green lights on the way to work or someone appreciating me. When I’m connected with myself and all around me I no longer consider seeking such signs because I know we are all love and what isn’t loving is just what we’ve created to distract ourselves from being this love.
“It is only in my hurt that I want to elicit a response from others, from God even, that tells me I am loved” This stopped me in my tracks as I read this and just goes even deeper into exposing that all the ‘good’ signs that come in life that show me I am love are actually being used to comfort a hurt and not truly take it as a confirmation that has no elation, excitement or stimulation. What I have been curious about lately is what if the love of God is like blinking my eyes? I don’t get excited or stimulated when I blink my eyes it just happens, what if being love was the same?
Yes my body literally seizes up when I move in a controlling way – my walk will be stiff and my arms and hands go rigid. It’s quite amazing how it does this. It’s then for me to pause and introduce tenderness.
Yes Leigh I have felt the same. Control can feel so constricting in the body and makes one feel like they are running around with such a level of unease. Moving in that way keeps us from appreciating and living the life we know we can live with joy and vitality.
Yes Leigh, the body definitely doesn’t like it. The deeper my relationship with my body becomes the more I see those nasty jagged edges of control and how horrible they feel in my body. We are designed to be in beautiful surrender, not a stress and control — the later is a mechanism we bring in erroneously thinking it will protect us.
“We are designed to be in beautiful surrender” Even just reading that my body melted. This mechanism I am finding is in everything and like you’ve shared Katerina, the more we become aware and go through life not tense the tense moments become more extreme. Having recently surrendered even more in a session since then the dizziness that comes with not being present and thinking about something else and doing another thing with my body at the same time has gotten louder.
KABOOM! This shines the spotlight on our relationships MAS – “I observed how expressing from the power within was exposing for those who felt secure that our arrangement would never expose the truth. There were times when people appeared uncomfortable, but I was committed to making life about love and about truth and from there everything changed.” Unfortunately too many relationships are ‘worked’ like this, with ‘arrangement’ being a key word to hide the truth of the fact that we choose ‘comfort’ over truth. I have worked many relationships unlovingly like this myself and it was hard work and very exhausting to keep the arrangement going. As I gently expose my own manipulations and bring love and truth to my relationships I am feeling others responding, bringing down their own walls of protection and control and allowing for our relationship to open to a true love that we are yet to feel in the relationship. The true relationship is only beginning and the best is yet to come.
I would say KABOOM for the whole blog. Control unraveled. And how inspiring is MAS’s honesty in seeing the full circle and whole picture of control coming back to them and how they are. Absolute responsibility and very empowering. Only a few days ago I could feel yet another underlying layer of control I was running within my body, even to the point in how I am trying to control how my life is unfolding! Crazy. It leaves no or little room for surrendering to Love. I have a lot to learn. Thank you MAS.
Thank you Vicky for your humility here in this comment but the beautiful thing is, at least you are willing and open to learning. The bitter pill to swallow in reading MAS’ blog as I read it is that control is never one way and whilst another may be behaving in that manner towards us and it is not acceptable, how controlling are we also being in our behaviours? I too have a lot to learn.
This is so awesome MAS: “I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.” You have nailed it here – and how simple is the final thing really – the only thing we can control and choose is the quality of energy we are in. – This is such a great key to take with us every day and keep remembering; life will be so much more joy-full!
Your last sentence says it all, “Re-Connection – that’s the answer, and that’s my choice”. We either choose this or we don’t, there is no alternative, no side road or backstreet.
“This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment.” and it is through the confirming and appreciating of this that allows us to walk in the power that we all are.
It’s interesting the ways we choose to give our power away and be controlled by others in order to be liked or accepted if we only chose to let go of past hurts we could let go of this vicious cycle for all.
If we do not chose to see the truth and turn a blind eye, we are saying yes to being controlled 24/7 throughout every area of our life.
Yes and what an awful ‘thought’ that is to be in such a situation all of the time. Much easier and joy-full to connect to our selves and live from that connection – then this control stuff can go pack its’ bags …
Who then are we allowing to control us and feed us these thoughts, for deep down we all know they do not come from God.
If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life. This is where I find myself now MAS, learning to let go the mind and its driven, fast paced ways, to surrendering to my body and what wisdom it has to share with me.
This is a great blog to come back read and read again. I was feeling myself contracted and shrunk in my body recently, and I can feel how that came from me being manipulative, trying to find a comfortable situation for myself by actually making myself very uncomfortable and diminished, and how that mechanism was so deeply yet subtly ingrained as a semi-default as a way to protect myself. I just had to laugh. Thank you, MAS.
OH MS
Snap! This is a great topic MAS, thank you for presenting this for assisting to highlight ‘connection’ as the best antidote to control in it’s many forms. This part rang true for me.
“The payoff for me was to be liked and accepted by others, …. This meant that I always (used), a friend or a partner – someone to give the impression that I was cared about and that I belonged. I opted for something far less than love.”
I’m now getting to appreciation by just being with me in connection – so simple! I find the Audios by Serge Benhayon played in the car can assist with that ongoing connection developing further.
Being comfortable is a big inhibitor to truth. Being comfortable has been a measure that people use as feedback that what is happening and how they are seen is valued, successful, confirming. In truth it is a measure that allows us to hide from what is true and can be seen as controlling. This blog has asked me to consider discomfort and how I have used measures to avoid this at all costs – the cost of not living all of who truly am. Thank you MAS for exposing the levels we can all go to in order to control our lives, others and ourselves.
It is very confronting to realize that when we take abuse we relieve ourselves by controlling someone else. Even more so when we take into account that we have a choice and the responsibilty to change our ways.
Indeed Ilja, this can be a confronting realisation, but it offers us the gift to make real changes by taking our responsibility.
Yes you are absolutely right Michael and those changes effect everyone. Every little thing matters.
I recognize bringing control home to my family instead of addressing issues of control and abuse when they are at hand. Great reminder to feel into this. I should take responsibility for this ugly kind of behaviour.
When we speak from our inner hearts its like whoever is involved in the conversation, is held in this invisible embrace that has so much space so that what is shared has time to be felt and either responded to or taken away for a later pondering.
OH MS
Much of my life I have felt controlled by factors outside my control and become a victim to them. However, through the Teachings of the Ageless Wisdom and the Way of the Livingness I know no longer feel controlled in that way. Through the teachings I now realise that how I experience life is completely the consequence of my own choices, which is so empowering and liberating.
Very beautiful MAS – evolutionary for all. ‘expressing from the power within was exposing for those who felt secure that our arrangement would never expose the truth. There were times when people appeared uncomfortable, but I was committed to making life about love and about truth and from there everything changed.’
This is an very beautiful line: “I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.” What I can feel from this is that we choose our own environment in some way by the way we are ourselves. Yes things are a certain way but the way we react to them makes the difference. This is a great reminder for myself that I am never the victim of a situation and always can choose to express what is true instead of going into reactions and hurts. Thank you MAS.
“Stress is a good indicator that we will turn to control as a means of getting by” this is a known to me as I lived in a constant state of stress. Control is so sneaky/manipulative as it just keeps growing and the dependency of control grows to then being a neediness. As you share with clarity MAS it does boil down to the fact that we have a choice, and I’m now choosing to really feel into situations (being honest) as they arise and not to just sweep them under the carpet.
Control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life and the wisdom of our body – wise words, thank you MAS.
I agree Annie, surrender is the key to unlocking our control issues.
I Loved reading this blog so much, it offers so much insight and a greater understanding of what control is, where it may be happening in our lives and why it is occurring. Thank you for writing this piece and sharing with us all the gold it offers.
I have personally found and observed in many other mothers that we use control of our families as a means to not addressing what is going on for us. I have found this type of control is very underhanded, sneaky, insidious and quite often is done through emotional manipulation.
This is a great insight “Lately in my own team we opened up a conversation about control, and most people admitted to being controlling when workloads get out of control. Stress is a good indicator that we will turn to control as a means of getting by – controlling in our work and controlling people.” I always felt the reason myself and others would go into control mode was because we were feeling out of control. I had not made the connection between control increasing when we felt under stress, but as soon as I read this paragraph specific scenarios came to mind of when this had occurred. Knowing this gives us a great tool as an indicator that we are feeling stressed and to take a step back and reflect on why we are stressed.
One of my greatest pay-offs for allowing others to control me was to use it as a tool to feel like I had no responsibility and I could clearly feel others viewed the situation this way also. So it was my excuse to say I was not responsible for anything that occurred in my life and that it was the controlling party that was at fault and had all the responsibility. It was a great excuse from checking out of life completely.
I know this well, when we aren’t taking responsibility for our part we are playing then it is easy to blame others for the control that we feel. When we live from our essence then there can be no control. For there is no control in Love.
This has been something that I have experienced. It has on occasion been challenging but it has ultimately asked me to practice expressing truth – do I sink or swim with this and where do I stand? “I observed how expressing from the power within was exposing for those who felt secure that our arrangement would never expose the truth. There were times when people appeared uncomfortable, but I was committed to making life about love and about truth and from there everything changed.” Through this I have found that I have continued to deepen my commitment to expressing and living with truth and love. Every situation and encounter in life brings something to learn.
Not being attached to an outcome was an important step for me. If I catch myself with an end point in mind or something that resembles an expectation, then I know I’m gone. Trust was needed and it is really beautiful to trust, as long as my foundation is in connection and not control.
‘We can then read the behaviour of others around us and bring a deeper understanding as to what is really happening in any given situation.’
It is so beautiful to feel the capacity to do just this. Life is not just about the hurt little girl in me anymore! I have a strong, holding capacity to read what is going on for people, stay steady and reflect back the truth, with all my love.
I am finding increasing capacity to speak what I feel and looking forward to new moments in each new situation to do so. The more that I support myself, the less I require the approval and acceptance of others and feel confidence in saying what is there to be said.
“The more that I support myself, the less I require the approval and acceptance of others and feel confidence in saying what is there to be said.” Great comment emmadanchin. As we support ourselves there is no need of others to support or approve of us, this then allows us to let go of control.
I too emmadanchin am beginning to actually enjoy speaking in my every day which I never once thought would be possible! I feel so much more confident in myself and there is much less anxiousness in my body. When we express what is there to be said we build trust in our selves and we let go of trying to control situations by detaching from that which has been said.
How awesome is that? We are re-configuring our bodies energetically to be steady and to trust life again, to not feel like everyone is out to judge and criticise us and even more importantly, to be detached both from what we are sharing and from the reactions of others.
‘The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself’.
Yes, this is what was missing in my life. I was in such reaction to the confusion and hurts I experienced growing up, I became controlling about wanting things a certain way, having a certain outcome. In recent years, I have been able to see this; the awareness has come quite naturally the more that I deeply honour and cherish myself. Learning to trust what life has in store for me.
I can relate with what you share here Emma, ‘I was in such reaction to the confusion and hurts I experienced growing up, I became controlling about wanting things a certain way’, but as you and MAS shared, by bringing a deep and tender love to myself, by honouring and connecting to my inner heart I start to let go of this control.
This sentence stood out to me too emmadanchin. To deeply and tenderly love our selves is not selfish; it is in contrast as it is the most beautiful thing we can do and it not only supports us but all those around us too.
Lately I have noticed that I can drop my tender love and care for myself when in the presence of others who are not caring for themselves, seeing myself playing out old habits of trying to fit in or not be too noticed as being odd or different. I have been playful with myself, seeing and reminding myself that I am already different because I am just being me! And it is fine and actually really important for me to take that tender care in view of others.
I love the tittle of this blog MAS- “control or connection: it’s a choice” a great insight into how we actually have total choice over if we go into control or connection. Even being submissive and controlled is a total choice. It’s great to start becoming aware of this as the whole world is based on control – so that we get the way we want things.
‘the whole world is based on control – so that we get the way we want things.’
This comment was a big stop moment for me, Emily. I know there is a lot of control in our world, but when I pondered on your words and allowed myself to feel the magnitude of the control we live in, it’s pretty horrendous.
Your reference MAS to contorl as “a squashing of who I am” is a great description. If I know my essence to be expansive, joyfull and all encompassing, I can feel how when I go into control it is the complete opposite of this, I feel contained, small and pressured. When I feel the reality of what control feels like in my body then the choice becomes simple, to chose connection over control.
‘I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.’ I LOVE this, when we choose the quality of energy we choose to live in and conduct our bodies in we cannot be controlled. You are absolutely right, there are many forms of abuse in many areas of life, and this is one choice we can make – to not be part of it.
Well said Meg. We can make a choice to not be apart of it- through our connection. Thank you for highlighting that part in MAS’s blog too.
Connection to the deepest part of ourselves, to our inner feelings is everything for without it we seem forever lost or wayward.
Our connection is so powerful, it’s what shows us who we truly are, and when we know who we truly are abuse becomes impossible.
Surrendering to our flow, the flow of life is a powerful way to live…as we live with life and not against life and trying to control that which cannot truly be controlled, it only destroys any quality of life.
It really does destroy our quality of life, simplicity and joy to try to control people and the situations we are in and what is happening around us.
Yes, and living with control creates a hardness, when we surrender to life, it can flow through us and we can live in a truely Loving way.
MAS this is such a needed subject to talk about and you exposed it superbly, how ugly control is, how it stops us from being who we are, from expressing ourselves etc. Whether we are the controller or the controlled it is on the same line just different ends, both ultimately are to protect oneself from our own fears. However there is as MAS has shared a deeper place within, which is always there, which is reliable, we only have to connect to it and build it as it becomes our foundation…our inner power which is our love.
And what is so insightful about this blog is how MAS clearly exposes the “controlled” person is just as controlling as the one society sees as controlling, they are just doing it in a sneakier and more underhanded way.
“I learned to keep myself small and I became withdrawn, sad and depressed. I can now say that this way of being was a form of protection….” I have done this too, tho less nowadays. Yet it is no protection at all and is a form of controlling others. There is then no joy to be had. How crazy are our choices!
We can and often are being controlled by others most of our life or we can be a little or a lot of out of control… which is just being controlled by something else. Connection to ourselves makes us responsible which is something that can not be controlled by others.
It does seem that there are many different ways in which we can control situations depending on the behaviour we choose to manipulate people and situations with, and catching ourselves in the act is a true gift, as it gives us the opportunity to be honest and then make the necessary changes.
Yes being more aware of the behaviours and observing ourselves as the situations play out is a great start in changing the patterns we get stuck in.
I agree Julie, I find it can be subtle things in life where I want to control the outcome and the more I commit to the quality in which I live the more I can catch myself and be honest about what I am doing and so let go of it, it is a work in progress but a real blessing to be able to do this.
Surrendering to life is a gorgeous key to dissolve the grips of control and you’ve expressed that beautifully MAS. In that surrender we can feel that we all bring a uniqueness to the world and with all or seemly different perspectives of the same thing we make up the whole, the All… Humanity. So really, controlling this in ourselves or others is dulling the beauty and expression of who we are. Just the word surrender brings such ease and flow to accepting in full the different shoes we choose to wear to walk the same path back to reconnecting.
I agree Rachael, surrender is the healing tool for control and anxiousness. To truly connect to the body, like MAS has shared and to then surrender to the truth in it supports us in getting out of the prison of control.
Beautifully expressed Rachel and Kerstin, ‘Surrendering to life is a gorgeous key to dissolve the grips of control’ and we then get to feel the uniqueness and varying perspectives we all bring to life’s situations.
I love the word surrender – and how you have described it here. And you are spot on when you say controlling ourselves and life is a vast dulling down in the beauty of who we are and it also dulls down the beauty of life.
I also love the word surrender, earlier in my life surrender would have had the connotation of giving in, giving up, but surrendering to yourself, to the love that you are, and to the flow of life is not in any way a giving up, it fills you with unimaginable joy and a profound understanding of life.
That’s a great point, surrender used to mean to give in or give up to me too. It’s amazing how that false understanding of that word kept me away from the beauty of what true surrender is, and how amazing it feels to begin to learn to surrender to myself and the love I cannot deny.
Control is such a multilayered topic. The levels of manipulation deceit and blackmailing can all contribute to make sure the outcome is as you expected or intended. This is fierce control, looking out for number one and needing life to go a certain way. Even subtle levels of control are crippling and straining on any relationship. Like if one can see another way of doing something and instead of gently suggesting ‘hey, have you thought about it like this?’, we can get invested or arrogant with our perspective, even owned by it and the need for the other person to get it becomes floored.
Absolutely Rachael, “control is such a multilayered topic”…why do we go to all this trouble to control, what are we afraid of, what don’t we want to feel? We actually cannot control life, we only think we can and that is an illusion and a destructive one at that.
Very true Karoline, control is very multi layered and its every where.
The ways in which we control are multi layered, also when we start to observe ourselves and others we become aware that manipulation and control can be very subtle, and expressed or perpetrated in ways we do not realise or expect. It does not always play out blatantly, and until we really watch ourselves relating to others, these smaller less (seemingly) significant manipulations can go unseen, but never unfelt.
The subtle use of control I find to be one of the most dangerous forms of control. Because it is subtle, to the degree it can appear hidden, one can use it without themselves or the other party even being aware that it is happening. When control is loud in your face and obvious there is no hiding from the reality of what is taking place, but when it is subtle it becomes very dangerous.
We all have our own unique expression, so it follows that we may choose to ‘do’ things differently. It doesn’t make one right or wrong. However, what is wrong, is to inflict OUR way of doing something onto someone else. I love seeing the very different ways in which people can do the same thing, there’s something quite magical in appreciating our own flavour of ‘same’.
Summed it up beautifully that control is not at all about love. When we return to making relationships and our own choices about love (and truly feel what is deeply loving) we drop the controlling behaviours and as the cycles present to show us the details of how and why we choose it again, we can let go just as simply. It’s just a choice.
A simple choice 🙂
So true, every moment is a choice, and although it can seem very difficult when we are in the middle of something, it really does come down to the fact that it is simply a choice.
What you share to me is very wise and true Cherise.
Beautifully said Cherise, it always comes back to love and getting our selves… our hurts and issues out of the way and to know that every cycle presented to us offers an opportunity to evolve and that it is never personnel but supports us to return to the love we know we already are.
This blog has made me realise that being the victim is just as controlling as the one appearing to have the control and I that I have been a party to both sides of this. “but whilst I was in sympathy with myself, I was failing to acknowledge just how irresponsible I was being with other people, and the harm that I was causing by being abrasive and controlling myself”. Thank-you MAS
Being the victim is an even more intense form of control as it comes unseen and often people get hooked and sympathise, not realising that in fact they are just being manipulated.
Yes people can play right into the game of the victim.
Well said Michael, reading the situation and not pandering to another is vital.
Yes Deidremedbury I also can see where I have been controlling through withdrawing and making myself little, and through manipulation of others, both sides of the coin are equally harmful and insidious.
A very exposing blog, than you MAS. Control is a really insidious thing, it shows up in so many different ways, as you have shared. One may be being controlled by someone to a very great degree, but in our trying to manage our lives in this situation, we can actually also be quite controlling, in wanting to control our life. So we use all the tools we can muster to fit in with the person who is controlling us. We can use various tools here, being submissive, taking the blame, constantly trying to please. We also use planning ahead, to control everything for us, to keep our lives calm, rather than being willing to let things evolve as they are meant to. We can still make the actual decisions, e.g. to sell a house, but then have to let the process play itself out without getting into stress about it. Yes we can do things towards the day when it comes, know what one is taking when moving etc., but we cannot control when that will be. It can be amazing to realise just how much we want to control everything around us, to keep our lives calm and peaceful, much better to surrender and have no expectations, but be ready when the time for action comes.
It is as if we can use control as a way to reassure ourselves that everything is ok, because we do not trust ourselves enough to be in life without making sure that it is just so. As you say, Beverley, we can plan and make decisions, but control feels like it is a mistrust in ourselves, others and in life.
We can never feel, see or be in the true flow of life, its cycles and all it can bring if we are controlling and planning ahead with unfeeling, blinkered eyes.
Beautifully said, Jenny. It is paradoxical to attempt to plan ahead in opposition to what is being presented to us every day by the fact that we are living cycles.
Absolutely Naren, ‘we can plan and make decisions, but control feels like it is a mistrust in ourselves, others and in life.’ And as Jenny says by controlling and planning ahead we lose our ability to feel and be in the flow of life.
‘but control feels like it is a mistrust in ourselves, others and in life.’ I can definitely feel that control is a mistrust of others, I hadn’t considered it being a mistrust of ourselves …. however, that makes a lot of sense. As you say, if we trusted ourselves to make the right choices, always, we wouldn’t need to try and control anything. When we are connected to our selves, we don’t ‘know’ control, it doesn’t exist.
Correct, Alison. In true connection to ourselves we eliminate the need, or indeed, the concept of control. In that one connection we are able to flow with life and the constellations of those around us.
Yes Beverley, control can come in so many shapes and sizes, and sneak in if we are not choosing to be aware, I can relate with selling and buying a house, I had to learn to keep surrendering to the process and let go of my picture about how it would unfold. A great learning for me.
That’s such a beautiful example, Lorraine. I remember well the angst I felt when trying to buy our current home. It felt like I was trying to move a massive boulder in my mind, willing things to happen a certain way. It was so exhausting. During the process I had a dream and woke with a strong feeling that everything would work out. This was way before I was introduced to Universal Medicine, my soul was sending me a strong and very loving message. Sadly, I remember wondering if I just felt that way because that’s what I wanted to happen!
In response to what Beverley expressed here, how much does control stop or slow down the flow of our life. I recently sold my house and the sale went through in a beautiful flow but there was a time where I was fully trying to control how much money I wanted in the sale. The moment I recognised what I was doing and the arrogance that came with the control around this I let go of the need to control, and the house sold. I got myself out of the way and it all happened. Our control puts road stops in the way of how truthful and beautiful we can experience something to be.
“…how much does control stop or slow down the flow of our life”… this is a great question Elizabeth. The need to control people, situations and events is huge in our society from the more obvious controlling of our children, partners, buying a house etc to the control of acting unintelligent, good and the need to be accepted which perhaps are not so obvious to most. I have been extremely controlling in all areas of my life for most of my life and I have found it exhausting. The key for me is connection with myself, observing when I go into the need to control, nominating it and to come back to feeling my body.
This is a timley reminder of how we can be complicit in a situation that we don’t like. It is crucial to come back to love and truth. It is important to express the truth and reconfigure how we are in each situation.
Yes it is “crucial to come back to love and truth”. It’s only when we are willing to admit that we control, can we then start to work at looking at what it is we don’t want to feel, so we then control or allow ourselves to be controlled. MAS shared this with such honesty that it is an actually healing reading this.
I totally agree Karoline.
This is all true, thank you Amanda, as it helps me to know that I can “reconfigure” how I am in challenging situations and not just pull back and shut down my expression.
Thank you MAS for a great article on control, which comes in many forms. I was shocked when I realised that my niceness and and my playing it small was controlling, it felt so ugly and untruthful. I like your words, “I was connected not controlling”
Well exposed Jill Steiner – think of the amount of ‘politeness’ in the world, we raise our kids to have good manners and this seems to be of upmost importance to social decorum. But most kids I’ve come across say them through gritted teeth and after much demand, maybe because they know how harmful it is to say something you do not mean. Perhaps this is the start of our ‘nice’ control in adult life? Not that all manners are bad, but perhaps they are less important than speaking the truth of how we feel in each moment, being honest with ourselves and others and being connected to who we are?
And here is where it all starts. Kids are raised with ‘good manners’. Adults join the game as they were taught the same manners. So they accept the ‘Thank Yous’ and polite greetings of the children. A controlled situation from the start. Time to check my own taught manners, observe and feel them when I interact with both children and adults.
Well pointed out Jill Steiner. It does feel pretty awful when we realise just how we have been playing a game, but a great pivotal moment to make changes.
Great point Jill- how niceness and playing it small is controlling. As you are controlling the situation so that it stays the way it suits you. It doesn’t feel nice at all to recognise cause it means your holding yourself, and everyone else back so much. Bleh.
Yes Jill, me too. To understand that niceness and holding back what we know are both controlling behaviours is quite shocking. As you say there is a real ugliness to it and we are not only deceiving others by living in this way, but ourselves as well. Ouch…However as MAS wrote, “If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.” And this is a beautiful and joyful way to live.
“I realised that my niceness and and my playing it small was controlling,”. it took me quite a while to feel the truth behind my ‘nice’ smile to everyone. Ouch!
Yes Shirley-Ann I can definitely relate to squirming, but great to see the games we play and make the choices necessary to change.
Wow, a truly powerful blog MAS. Incredibly honest, exposing and deeply true. What you’ve shared is so relatable and inspires us to also be completely honest no matter how difficult it is to admit we are either being controlled or are controlling others. Control is a very sinister game indeed. It takes great honesty and commitment to take responsibility to admit our harmful behaviours of control and also admit what we accept from others. Truly inspirational MAS, thank you!
Unfortunately our need to be liked and accepted by our caregivers is vital to our survival (or so it seems), so we do what we have to, to get what we think we need, while we hand over our power to those seemingly with all the cards. Then as we grow we begin to realise what we have done to ourselves and start our crusade of going to war with ourselves for the choices we made. But at this point all we need to do is lovingly accept, hold and nurture ourselves, as the revelation we just experienced is gold. This way we can let go of our hurts rather than hold on to them and hold everybody ransom including ourselves.
MAS once again, thank you for bringing through another power full article. Your candid honesty really hits the nail on the head and is oh so revealing of what control is really about and why we do it, need it and even play right into its hands. But connection is the way to unleash the true power within, the power of just being the love that we are, unaffected by the games people play, fully aware of ourselves and the world around us. In this state there is no need to grapple for control as trust in a higher order is there, graciously allowing the unfolding the to place before us as we ebb and flow through life, no longer fighting against it.
MAS the more I feel what control means in my life the more I question it’s meaning. You shared the dictionary definition, which was ‘“the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events’ but I am now wondering if a truer definition is ‘the lack of true power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events’.
‘but whilst I was in sympathy with myself, I was failing to acknowledge just how irresponsible I was being with other people, and the harm that I was causing by being controlling and abrasive myself.’ I need to remind myself of this every time I find myself having a pity party.
Thank you MAS for your expression here, I really connect to your closing statement:”If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.” This is so important and it was exactly what I had to read in this moment, as it supports me in letting go of an issue and just being in the flow, letting things unfold as they will.
In the process of releasing myself out of the grip of control I had to realize that it is helplessness that makes me want to control in the first place, a helplessness with situations and feelings that I didn´t want to accept. As soon as I chose to accept I experienced that it doesn´t feel as bad as I expected but opened up a quite new perspective where I can let things and people simply be as they are and have a deep understanding for everyone involved, me included.
“If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life”.
What you have written here MAS I find really helpful and very wise; thank you for exposing a deeper level of what control is and what it is not.
The moment I let go of control and accept whatever is there to actually being felt (often a sense of helplessness) I can allow myself and everyone involved to just let be. That takes off an enormous pressure (control is a pressure cooker) and gives space to approach the situation with openness and care for people.
Control: getting things the way I want. There are many ways to control, the obvious ones that suppress and the sneaky ones that manipulate… It is seeking protection from getting or feeling hurt. When I recognise the inner hurt that often is related to feeling helpless I set myself free from needing to control, instead I can start to truly care, i.e. re-connect with who I really am and make loving choices.
I have often heard, power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely and power is about control. These are all related to things external to us.
The real power and ultimate control is what we all have inside of us.
“Of course, nobody can really control me – I am only controlled when I allow myself to be controlled – and with this I began to wonder if there is some payoff for playing this sinister game, which of course”, I can so relate to this. For so long in my younger days I wanted to be liked by people, family and friends, and so I would put up with the controlling behaviour so I felt part of the group, even though I knew that was wrong, I gave my power away to others.
I have observed in a massage treatment i have received where i felt vulnerable already from the start and i wanted to start telling the practioner what i like or not. I could understand that this was a way of wanting to take over the control of not feeling actually how i feel and to simply stay with that.
MAS your definition of control is spot on. When I read ‘In my own experiences I have felt control was like an invisible hand around my throat: it comes across as a threat even if the words do not indicate it as such, it suggests non-compliance has penalties, it’s a squashing of who I am, it demands I be submissive, it’s manipulative, it’s a secret game where the rules are known but never spoken, it uses fear and intimidates, and it creates self-doubt to thwart truth.’ My whole body said YES. That is exactly what I have felt.
Great point MAS, that when we connect to true power within we do not need to control, nor can we be controlled. We do not harm others because this power is based on a foundation of love and from that place we can stand up in truth and express freely what we feel without attachment to any outcome.
This blog highlights some great points. One that is worth repeating is that protecting ourselves by being small and withdrawn is also a form of control which ensures that we don’t get hurt. We don’t realize also that it is hurting us and others to be like this and the body eventually suffers from this contraction and the world misses out because we are not contributing fully.
Over the last year I have been exposed to just how constricting and harmful control is, I would try and keep a tight control on everything so that nothing could affect me. If things didn’t go according to how I expected them to be I became anxious and would try to get things back to a way that worked for me.
Your blog allowed me to see how a life in control, most of it self-control, is the norm, and how deep in runs in my own life. The fear of getting hurt at first, and then it’s such a familiar identity that we forget who we really are. Thank you for telling your story, and I, too, am rediscovering the true me, the love that I am.
This is an awesome article MAS as control affects everyone whether you are the controller or the controlled and for most of us we have been involved with both. Control seems to be an accepted part of our society and there never seems to be an open discussion on the topic and how it greatly affects others. Your article is so valuable MAS as it discusses all of this. My experience of overcoming control (and I was queen of it) has been the more I reconnect back with my self and feel the amazing me, control becomes non-existent.
Yes, as you say, the real problem with control is that we accept as as normal. Marketing call it persuasion … I call it manipulation.
Wow, I love your honesty annebroadbent58 and agree with everything you’ve shared. Control has been an old game we’ve play amongst each other for centuries, it feeds our tightly held fear and stops us from being truly amazing. Like MAS, once we are honest and nominate what is happening and taking responsibility to choose another way, a loving way, and control therefore cannot exist. Whenever we choose to be love above all else, anything that is harmful becomes exposed and powerless.
Playing the game of control – a huge life lesson – and one that is so beautiful to let go of. In controlling my life I never allowed myself to feel the wisdom, love and support that is truly there for me simply when I connect to my innerself and be Love.
Being controlling keeps us less than who we are and hence very limited in our perception of life. Selling us control as power is feeding us crumbs to keep us from stepping into the true power that we have and that instantly exposes every form of control as the desperate measure it is.
I love how it’s mentioned that under stress people usually turn to control. It’s certainly been a default for me. But there are times I’ve noticed I’m about to launch this habit and paused long enough to come back to myself and feel the bigger perspective of the situation; that actually what is there to be done requires connection and purpose rather than controlled tick boxing with no substance or quality.
Control at times appears to make us effective but even when we manage to do what needs to be done in the end it is us who is controlled, i.e. we find ourselves to be quite contracted, hard and stressed. Connection and purpose instead leave us being confident, content and vitalized.
Alex I so relate to what you say about after ‘we manage to do what needs to be done in the end it is us who is controlled.’ How so this is. I’ve experienced this many times and cannot dispute this- this allows me a clear choice: to end up being controlled by forces I’ve inflicted on myself to get things done or choose to flow with love. The question I can pose myself is what was it that I choose to not be willing to address? What did I avoid? Where did I abandon love to please someone?
Spot on Brendan – there is a form of control that comes disguised as niceness but in fact underneath it all is a very ugly and ultimately sad way of being. I am familiar with this as a means of controlling another and manipulating another so that I get what I want and this is something I used to use a lot – until I realised I was doing it and was willing to address the ugly and sad stuff that lay underneath. We don’t always realise what we do until some one has the guts to point it out to us or someone stands their ground exposing our loveless behaviour. When we get exposed for this, it feels awful, it feels so yucky, but the moment we then register this, then we have the choice to change the way we behave, and if the change is one that is true and allows respect and love for self and others, then what opens up from here is truly magnificent and very freeing. And this is the growth, the true growth that allows us to re-turn to the fullness that we naturally are.
“I played to their arrogance and purposely dulled myself down by making myself submissive, small and even unintelligent, so that others felt important. And yet selling out like this was no different to those who I may have accused as controlling… it’s on the same scale and it comes from the same place.“ Wow something to ponder on MAS… I did not see keeping myself small is also a way to control.
Janina, what can be felt is an inner smirking … we know when we are being controlled by another … and we can control back in sneaky ways. A great example can be seen from kids. If you control them, then they hold back telling you all, they know how to manage the situation so they can get what they want. I did this too all the time as a kid. It is so awesome now to see this for what it is and not just accept it as OK or the way it is.
I agree. It is so underhanded and sneaky and super damaging.
Thank you MAS for your amazing sharing. Much of what you have highlighted here, I am sure many can relate to as it seems quite a common way within society- to control or to be controlled for the plethora of reasons available to us.
You are completely correct in saying it is a choice. What I have discovered is that my connection to myself is so divine and tender and delicate that it oozes deliciousness. With this connection there is no space for control.
Yes, I agree Johanna, with true connection with ourselves there is no room for control in any way, shape or form.
MAS it seems to me that control comes from contraction and causes contraction whereas surrender comes from expansion and promotes expansion. One is little, the other is big. One comes from the personality of man and the other leads to the knowing of God.
That is so true Alexis and beautiful in the simplicity you bring to this subject. This is a great way to recognise control, to simply ask, “am I contracting or expanding?”
And it makes perfect sense why one would need control if they are contracted and small, they must fight to be heard, to be seen and to get their way. In our natural, full expanded state life, no domination is needed as the equality of every brother is deeply felt.
Control is a very efficient way to stop ourselves from seeing how wonderful we and everybody else are.
You are so right Michael Kremer, as we are so busy controlling, that we have totally disconnected from the very natural and loving way to be with another, which is feeling their essence and feeling that they are a part of us and visa versa.
That’s a definition of control! Great words on this, Michael*
Brilliant Michael, so, so true. It is certainly harmful to us all when we choose control over love.
You nailed it Michael, with control we stop us from seeing the real beauty we are and from another ‘s heart.
We use the oxford dictionary as a register to look up things we do not understand. But is this really teaching us what the words mean? Isn’t it interesting that “control” isn’t described as an act of someone not willing to accept flow of life and therefore use tension in the body to make others either stay away or do what they want? Our dictionary is not always giving us the true meaning of words – is it?
Very true Christina and a great example of how we lead ourselves into further illusion, because we allow the true meaning of our words to be diluted. If we were raised to understand the meaning of words by truly listening to and expressing from our bodies, we would develop a true dictionary that would communicate the real effect of our behaviours and choices.
Time to start the change* 🙂
As history shows – it always needs some people to start the revolution* (in a loving way of course – simply by living the true meaning of the words).
No it’s not! It is so true how we have accepted as a society these ‘go to’ places for information that we do not question at all! Wow.
“And yet selling out like this was no different to those who I may have accused as controlling… it’s on the same scale and it comes from the same place.” The dictionary has also forgotten to mention that control is found in all behaviours where we try to influence or manipulate anything outside of ourselves (our selves included).
Who would have thought that even the person in depression could be using this as a form of control?
We do not often look at the two sides of the coin.
Control is not acceptable on any level and it is time we see it for what it is and where it truly lies.
..and point it out with love. For some people control is protection. And we got to understand each other. That is the best way to then support each other.
I agree Christina “Our dictionary is not always giving us the true meaning of words”. And it is up to us to understand and become aware of the true meaning of words.
And that is a quite simple way. The moment I live in presence then I am able to observe imprint in words. Whenever there’s a connotation that doesn’t feel right, I have to question and re-define. That’s quite a joyful process.
I can recall a general tension I held in my body for years because I was trying to control life, situations, people, myself, I was was scared of what life would be like if I did let go. It was a trick that kept me in a prison of sorts. It prevented my full expression, joy and power to come out. Letting go of that control has felt like undoing a belt that was too tight, it has enabled my body to feel more at ease and I can feel a natural expansion through out my expression. The level of stress and tension that was once there has been dissolved through this endeavour, amazing.
Yes, it is amazing how scary and difficult it can be to start to let go of the control that we have so fervently held on to for so many years, the resistance to surrender is so painful, yet once we begin to connect deeply to ourselves we can start to feel the safety of that which is waiting to catch us, our own love.
I absolutely know now that I used to think control kept me safe and that actually the opposite was true. In control I was diminished to the games of controlled or controller and there was no ‘safety’ in either, or the oscillation between the two. Surrendering control, which is so tangible physically as my shoulders release and open like a wide open gate back to my being able to feel my body, was at first a nerve racking leap into the unknown. It has brought me home to a true freedom from fear, a true ‘safety’ not protected and hidden, but open and hand in hand with life. When control now tries to weasel its way back in, it stands out like a sore thumb in a body that knows what it feels like to be free.
So true, Doug, ‘control kills equality. ‘We cannot control without making another less’ and we make ourselves less by allowing ourselves to be controlled.
…and we can control by making ourselves less too. When we withdraw we can be quite manipulative. This has been the case for me in the past when I have not been able to express what I need and therefore control others by becoming moody and silent so that they have to guess what is wrong or feel they have to rescue me. A horrible form of control. Thankfully I have managed to change this behaviour by learning how to express myself in a more honest way.
Hand in hand with life, rather than hard in life through control, sounds to me like the way to go, Matilda.
I agree Doug, and letting go of control is an allowing of ourselves and others to be who we truly are.
I agree. To control or not is a choice. At the same time, it is not a choice that many make with conscious awareness. It’s an outplay of what happens many steps down the line after we have left the love and truth of ourselves inside.
Indeed. And as we go down the line we might find a moment where we felt uncomfortable with the tension we felt, a moment where honesty was required to express something to somebody.
Yes and this split second we feel the honesty with a situation – we are asked to express it to the person, without the doubt and fear of reactions from people when we shake up the comfort for them. This is where it gets me sometimes, but it gets easier to deal with, because I can look through it.
This is true Jinya. It is not a conscious awareness if we have not been brought up to be aware. I feel so thankful for Serge Benhayon- for without him and his presentations I would have not been introduced to deep self care, the gentle breath meditation and many other supportive tools and techniques for me to reconnect and deepen my relationship with my true divine way. The choice now for me is clear but before I would not have been aware that I was already not making the choice for me to be with myself- hence the need for control to protect any hurts from re-occurring. Now I know my inner heart, I know there are no hurts in it.
Yes, control can only be acted out from unawareness. when we become aware of our part in control then we have a choice. Either to keep living with control or feeling how this impacts on ourselves and others and making choices to live in a more Loving and Harmonious way.
“I was afraid of myself” … This, I realise after reading this blog MAS. is a great sign to show me I am being controlling and not living the true power that is within me, the power of love!
Yes Suzanne I was afraid of myself too and felt safe when I kept myself small but this kept my body hard and my expression squashed. Controlling ourselves and others is a hard game to play and no one ever wins. I am now beginning to stand tall and release my expression as this is where my loving power lives.
Thank you Suzanne, as a dolphin living in the ocean when all is smooth it is easy for us to choose “love”. It is simply a joy to be able to playing in the waves for the dolphin, and it is the similar for a student of the Livingness when all is smooth.
When there is a huge swell with wind whipping up foam so it is rough with rips and currents pulling every which way, even then the dolphin easily swims against the current because swimming is its greatest strength. As a student of the Livingness when times get rough, being soul-full, which is our greatest strength brings “the power of love” that provides the calmness to be felt all around us no matter what else is prevailing.
I enjoyed reading your ‘definition’ of control MAS…so much more truthful and encompassing of the control itself and how it plays out in our lives.
Control is certainly an energy we feel – it has a force that comes with it, whether that be an outward force such as aggression or a more passive feeling of tension, the impact is the same: it hurts us and it hurts others.
“Instead of addressing issues at work around control or abuse, generally I would bring it home and control my family. I became caught up in getting things I wanted, and in how and when I wanted them done. None of this was about love. This realisation was a bitter pill to swallow, but it was enough for me to make immediate changes in the home. I started by allowing time when I arrived home from work to process the day, by having a bath or going for a walk. This alone was powerful as it allowed me to come back to myself, where I was connected, not controlling.“ Thank you for sharing this MAS this is something many people do including myself. Lets make our life about love and focus connection!
Control is a great subject to talk about and to reveal obvious and subtle way of controlling!
Thank you MAS, another awesome blog! Many quotes I picked out as I was reading, however I felt the control from me while I was reading the blog. I try to be accepted and recognised by others through taking on behaviours to fit in. This can be done in this example by how I read slowly and/or read the line or sentence again just to make sure I do not miss anything. I need to know so I can put it all together and be recognised for being the best. Things become complex and honestly nothing really flows. Its extra work too! I lose trust and make it about me, which narrows my perception of the All. Its like I take in as much as I can to understand ‘how I should behave’, instead of being me.
I even feel this is not my deep truth here in this comment. There is so much more .. and maybe this is not the right time or space to be going there, or is it just as simple as writing how I feel and my truth right now! There is so much power in writing… it provides the space to go there if you commit to speak your truth. You might start out clogged up but the potential can only reach a point where it is you. Thank you MAS, as they say a great blog to come back to and ponder more to write potentially more deeper experiences.
What honesty Rik Connors! I too felt my control when I was reading this blog, and actually took me a day or two to come to reading it! Control – the way I try to make sure that I am okay, and that the world is okay and won’t hurt me. Control is the barrier I have put between people. It is a form of manipulation that is felt. What this blog is offering us, is for us to all look and discover ‘control’ in our lives. I think this is fascinating and that in itself is the blessing…it’s not that we need to be perfect here.
Trust; that everything will be okay, and that all happens how it is meant to feels like a beginning to an antidote to ‘control’.
I too appreciate Rik’s honesty. When we start to look at where in our lives we are controlling this is very exposing and a hard pill to swallow at times. I use to think I was helping the other person but I know now it was a selfish act as I was trying to protect myself from feeling any mishap. So as you said Arianne TRUST and allow life to flow as it is meant too.
There is so much control in outlives, I have found we control ourselves ( I have to be this way, can’t say that etc) we control each other (you should be that way, or speak in this way) and we control the world around us by subtle manipulations, behavioural change and by choosing what will keep us safe. The thing that blows me away though is that we know exactly how to be when. This fact shows that we know far more then we are willing to feel. And it is this knowing and understanding that we hold within that is what will keep us from harm whereas the opposite, the closing down of the connection to this and being in control will continuously hurt us.
I agree with you Carolien, we can use control in so many ways, as you say, to control ourselves, each other, and to generally control life. It is insidious the various levels of control that we can identify when we truly look at how we are living our lives. I am trying to deal with this issue, but it is amazing how I keep uncovering other ways I find to keep control.
Given that control is so ubiquitous, in spite of how horrible it feels, it would seem that we use it collectively to a specific end. Is it possible that the specific end that control serves is the avoidance of connection? If so, why would we collectively avoid this?
“The payoff for me was to be liked and accepted by others, so I overlooked another’s controlling ways and learned how to work around them in my own controlling way.” I was contemplating this after witnessing a controlling situation quite recently and came to the same conclusion as yourself, MAS, that the pay off for compliance to a controlling situation is precisely that the controlled one is accepted and is actually an integral part of the control game.
Yes Coleen24 I have had many of these occasions. In a controlling situation I would conform usually trying to keep people happy so they would like me and therefore avoiding any confrontations. It is like a two way street. Being controlled and being the controller. Control is in every part of our lives.
Oh yes, I can really relate to this in the way I have avoided conflict for many years to keep the peace, playing along and being nice. In this game of control I was able to take a back seat in life and not express truth. Now that I live more of the fullness I am, I feel the less these controlling behaviors are needed as what I was looking for out of a situation or from another I have within myself.
Yes – our consent to allow ourselves to be controlled for the sake of acceptability is one of the silent diseases of our world, Doug, and one I am resolved not to fall sick from again- it doesn’t work for anyone and constricts us all.
haha – control creates control back, so why investing into something that we don’t want.
It really shows how much healing comes from taking responsibility and stopping feeling sorry for ourselves. When we let go of this sympathy that feels innate and intrinsic, we let go of the need to control.
Yes Jinya, sympathy for self and victim-hood seem to travel hand in hand. . . and then the victim becomes the bully . . . and the bully the victim. All the same game really as we are neither victim nor bully when we begin to look at life as a reflection of the script we are actually writing and make the changes we yearn for simply by taking responsibility for our thoughts, deeds and actions changing that script once and for all.
Spot on Jinya, taking responsibility is like giving ourselves permission to move on and learn from our past experiences.
I love how you bring a lightness to this heavy subject, I too relate, along with the other 7 billion as you say, very much with what you share here Ariana. My thanks to Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and myself for starting to heal and let go of this untrue way of existing.
Control is such a paradox. Striving for control we actually deny ourselves the things we are attempting to achieve through the control and are desperately wanting: safety, love, equality, freedom. All these things that we are wanting can only occur when we are open and allowing this in others and in our body. When we endeavour to control we are limiting another and to maintain that we have to hold/tighten our body and hence restrict freedom within it
This is beautifully described Jonathan. In trying to control things or situations it is ourselves who are creating the tension by holding on, and not allowing the qualities of love or harmony in our bodies. With love, all is known so what good does control give us?
‘I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself ‘ and what an amazing discovery. I have found the same.
‘I observed how expressing from the power within was exposing for those who felt secure that our arrangement would never expose the truth.’ what a great observation.
What I am more honest about lately and therefor more aware of, is how manipulative I have been with partners. This can be in very small things, in how I say things, wanting things to be done, expecting things but also with conversations. Changing the subject, saying certain things to impose, avoiding certain topics, being frustrated and annoyed but saying that everything is ok, being arrogant, thinking I know better and well, the list goes on and on. Contol shows itself in many forms and the more we let go, the more space there is for love and understanding.
Yay. And the more we let go, the humbler and more open we are to taking responsibility for the part we play, knowing the impact of our collective games around control.
So true Matilda, the part we play is huge and this alone inspires me to keep going undoing the hidden control coming very sneaky sometimes. But life shows it to me straight away if I had attachments or control coming along, when I am with people, they reflect it with their reactions back to me.
You have touched a spot here for me Doug. I realised my relationship with my late husband was often controlling in a charming sort of way! Money was a big one as he was the one going out to work for many years as we travelled around the world for his career in the Army. I gave up my career and with it went a lot of self esteem and I guess, a lack of control too!
Great point out Mariette. I can also realise how controlling I have been within relationships with certain behaviours to get it to be a certain way. Usually playing it small.
I too can see how i’ve been like this Doug. When I had control of the finances in a relationship I felt I had some power and prestige. I can see now how damaging to relationships holding this control can be.
MAS another sterling article on a topic that I know intimately, control. I was going to say that I am a master controller but it’s more accurate to say that I have lived a life of exuding control but compared to the amount of effort that I have put into controlling, there has been little to show for it!. Control takes effort, a lot of push and shove or when it’s done in the way that you described, it’s a push and shove that happens under the carpet. What I have come to really realise recently is that control moves nothing and yet love moves mountains!
“What I have come to really realise recently is that control moves nothing and yet love moves mountains!” Love that Alexis, how true it is. It is such an effort to be in control, quite exhausting. But when I sit back, just be connected to the great love within, it is amazing how things just alter for the better anyway, or I am given the answer for the next move if necessary. Thank you for the reminder. So much more simple, just have to constantly remind myself of that.
Control takes a huge amount of energy and the result of living with control is that no one really wins as the perceived gain we get is not to unite all but for self.
This blog has really got me paying attention to all the situations where I begin to focus on the attempt to manage or direct what is going on … quite a few!! Sometimes from an expectation, sometimes from a desire to ‘improve’ things – always with conditions.
The funny thing is that when I’m acting like this I’m always in a form of struggle and have a feeling of being squeezed and constricted which makes me struggle all the more – totally shows me just how little control I actually have at all.
When I’m just aware and present with whatever is going on there is no struggle, there is plenty of space and time is always opening up – again nothing I could even pretend to control.
The demonstration that I am merely the subject of the energy I’m aligning to, no more and no less, couldn’t be clearer!
Yes, I’ve observed that squished down shrinking feeling that occurs when I try to direct events and outcomes – it feels awful and is singularly ineffective as well! Surrendering to situations and openness I find allow a spaciousness, as well things flowing and begin perfectly timed without clock watching. The difference is remarkable – as you say, Helen, two completely different energies altogether.
When I read ‘ always with conditions’ it was a big ‘aha’ moment for me Helen. Quite often my mind takes me to a place where it would like to control things, and its always about preserving my comfort zone, staying small and not embracing all that is offered. I’ve also found that both control, and being controlled can be exhausting – again a symptom of the energy I am aligning to.
Yes- always with conditions- Always a great hint into how you’re going about something. The conditions help control the situation to come out the way you want it- as you’ve so greatly put it, usually to stay in comfort and the way we like it. Thanks Catherine.
That is so true, Helen. You have so well described how I used to experience life. It was such a hard work – although I was so used to that way of being in the world and didn’t know any other way for a long time and didn’t even clock that as a struggle. The more I am able to let go of control and surrender to what is, the more I can appreciate every moment, every encounter, and everything about me which may classify as ‘no good’ according to a societal standard.
Beautifully said Helen…I see how i control, i control by not wanting to feel what would happen if it doesn’t happen if i don’t control….make sense? Instead of feeling what it is that I’m afraid to feel…We cannot control life, life does its thing, we are actually living with the brakes on when we control, and you can imagine what damage that would do to us.
Hello Helen, you are so right; if there is desire to ‘improve’ things – it always comes with conditions, and we are using the force of control. This energy of control is what I am aligning with in the first place, in wanting to manage a situation or person. It is still a challenge every day to not go into control or expectations of how the project should be and look like, rather aligning to the purpose of it with my loving intention and trusting the flow with it. This is a much easier approach of working with people and projects. All in process but a much greater awareness with it, and I love it all what comes up with it, because this is the school I am in – the school of my livingness- every day – and my own livingness reflecting me my lessons.
Absolutely Helen. love your sharing. When we are with ourselves and present with what is happening, there is an instant stillness- within that stillness comes a joy, and then I feel equipped to handle whatever is in front of me because I have made space, and time is then a friend and not something that adds to the stress of wanting to control things!
A great reminder of how damaging and manipulative control can be, and how empowered we can feel as a result of reconnecting to who we are, and taking responsibility for our choices.
Reading your blog MAS i can feel that i have been tiptoeing around people who send in a way that they will attack you once you say something they might not like- a way to control others. Once i realized that they have been hurt in the past and that why they behave like that i was able to communicate with them.
Yes Janina, when we look at a situation like that we can see what is underneath driving the reaction, a hurt. Instead of reacting to a situation we can respond with more understanding.
We are all masters of control. This is a hard pill to swallow!
Absolutely Marika. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of the bigger picture – someone who has been put in a cave their whole lives will look around in all directions and come to the conclusion there is nothing but darkness in the world. However, it only takes one person to walk them outside and show them that the cave provided a dark blanket to hide all the light and love in the rest of the world.
I can feel power in truth in your words MAS ‘As love became my new foundation, it unleashed a power within, a true power, with absolute responsibility not to harm, nor to play the game of compliance. This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment’. After trying so hard to control life it is so beautiful when we come to the realisation that letting go is what life is about. Surrendering to our own innate and natural way of being in the world allows us to connect and express all that we are as we realise that the our sense of control was only an illusion, and that what we have in reality is far greater and deeper and truly honours our life and the way of our soul. We are a living power house when we are at one with ourselves – and with God and the Universe.
Our ways of controlling can be very discreet. I am coming to learn that even being meek and mild is a way of controlling.
Beautifully inspirational MAS, “There were times when people appeared uncomfortable, but I was committed to making life about love and about truth and from there everything changed.” This article is so simply detailed, it makes absolute sense – live from the body, speak from the heart and make love the foundation.
I like this description here of control being an invisible hand around the neck – I have definitely felt this in my life at times. The question posed so well here is whose hand is it? Is it the other person’s hand or our own hand?
The words that stop me every time are “It’s a choice”. Everything is – we can come up with as many stories and excuses etc, as we want – but it all boils down to truth, are we choosing to live an equal Son of God
This is a great article Mas, I’m learning to let go of the control with my work, this feels wonderful as it is less tiring, more fun and I can feel a greater connection and trust with myself and those im working with as a result.
This is an absolute gem of a blog which I will continue to reread.
This blog has a magnet pull to re-read it and every time there is another line or sentence that almost jumps out in neon lights to be felt and appreciated –
“The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself”.
The world is full of control systems. There was a time that there was a man that stood in the middle of the street to direct traffic at intersections, simple… replaced by a little black box does his job. Today large black boxes control 1000s of little black boxes at the same time. It is time to become the man or women that is responsible for the intersection we are responsible for again… us
Awesome. I feel empowered reading this, it is so inspiring. I am in a situation at the moment where I have been falling into the trap of being less and giving my power away ironically because of my fear of just that. I have let wanting things be a certain way inhibit my expression. This is clearly not helpful. As I surrender I allow an innate power to return that is not invested in any way shape or form.
We don’t have to experience physical violence to diminish ourselves – experiencing reactions in others where they make cutting remarks can be enough to make us dull down and avoid expressing all of who we truly are. Building up our inner strength, learning to accept and appreciate who we are helps us to stay steady in the face of any attack of jealousy or anger, and not take such comments personally.
Control feels manipulative, heavy and ingrained with preconceived ideas of how an end result should turn out to the advantage of the controller. (yes this does make my skin crawl). Yet, the opposite offering a free choice to choose to connect to that innate wisdom – ‘to go with the flow of life’ has a completely different quality to it.
Thank you so much for this wonderful sharing about control and compliance as opposed to connection, real, deep and tender connection with self and then others. You gave many powerful revelations to ponder on MAS … Just what I needed to read today!
This blows ‘The Poor me’ out of the water! For we all have a choice and this blog exposes how manipulative both the controller and the controlled can be.
Yes, Kevin this is a deal changer on the “victim” of control… who is exactly manipulating who into what behaviour? Often we see the one who is picked on as the victim, but I have come to understand from my own experience that playing it weak is equally controlling.
Absolutely. Beautifully said, Kevin.
Yes, It certainly does Kevin – to have the ‘poor me’ victim consciousness exposed for what it truly is a great gift as it begins to break down even more of the vice-like grip of the consciousness that binds humanity.
Good point Kevin. There are many who use the ‘victim mentality’ to avoid the responsibility they have to choose how they will react or respond to any given situation. I say this with the upmost respect for those who have been through difficult or horrendous experiences which can often leave someone feeling very disempowered. However this blog shows that we hold the ultimate power of choice.
Absolutely Kev, and the ‘poor me’ stance is the ultimate form of control.
So true kevmchardy, no victims in this insidious game, everyone is getting something out of it.
Its like the controlled and the controller are dancing together, feeding each other’s need to either control or be controlled, in an on-going saga of manipulating each other so as to avoid taking responsibility for their own loveless choices.
well said Kevmchardy, both have an equal part in it and find a form of comfort or safety in their role. We all have a choice and as MAS said, none can really control us unless we chose to let them.
My life was full of control, work and relationships, I used to have such a strong grip on control and saw it has a pride to be in control. Lately I came to understand I used control to avoid feeling what was truly going on inside of me, the lack of self worth and feeling my true tenderness. I used control to harden up and not feel, crazy how we can control our own body
This sentence jumped out at me too. I wonder how many people are almost horrified by what they become…I know I have been frightened of myself when letting control, frustration and manipulation run the show.
This is a brilliant, no-nonsense look at one of the biggest ‘elephants in the room’ – one of those things that we all know is there but tip toe around, which actually gives the ‘elephant’ more attention and space. Control as a defense is a default position for many many people and whilst the obvious form of control is the overt one that we can all spot and hear, it is the rest of us that play out other roles in this rotten play that need to get really honest about our contribution and responsibility. The potential for this to be around is always there but what is simply presented here is the fact that we all have a choice to take responsibility for ourselves, connect to our bodies, be guided by how we truly feel and start to talk to each other honestly and openly about what is going on.
This is a great article MAS as you have exposed the fact that their is no difference between the victim and the bully, as in fact one cannot exist without the other and both roles are designed to avoid feeling what we need to feel at the time. Both are from the same energy that prides itself on shirking responsibility at every turn.
The more we fight to have control over our lives the less we actually have. Control over our lives ought to mean taking responsibility for our lives, which actually is a different thing than trying to control everything so that it goes our way.
There is no harmony when we either control or protect ourselves from being controlled. Neither offer the opportunity for a true relationship to become established if at all grow and develop unless both people find comfort in that one side relationship.
“I observed how expressing from the power within was exposing for those who felt secure that our arrangement would never expose the truth.” This is an awesome observation MAS. I have been both on the receiving end of this ie. been exposed and been the one who is no longer playing at the unspoken arrangement. It’s incredible how far complicity reaches in so many relationships. If one no longer complies all hell can break loose as the game is exposed for what it is.
“If we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life. “
I love this statement. I find that when I go for control everything feels more and more precarious so more and more control is needed. But when I choose to connect to my inner heart the surrender to the flow of life comes naturally.
I laughed at that too and also winced a bit as I recognised it! ’I became arrogant, self-important and demanding. By the time I left the role I was afraid of myself.’ I know for ages I was proud of that rigid control I was famous for thinking it was a good thing! Fortunately I met Serge Benhayon and I too started to realise my power was in the exact opposite to that.
What a great way to take responsibility and not dump our hurts on the ones close to us. I recognize how controlling I could be at home when something happened at work or with others where I didn’t express truth and love. Stopping that felt like a veil lifted from the house and everybody got space to breath and to connect with each other. It ended up being the most deepening conversations I had with my children and allowed them to start speaking about their frustrations and how to deal with them.
Yes I agree Marika. When someone lives what they write there is a refreshing honesty that on a very human level the reader can relate to, even if they have not experienced exactly the same thing. This blog is very real in its observations and the subsequent understanding and wisdom that MAS has come to.
A revealing blog in terms of the subtlety of the games we play and to see them written down in black and white is disturbing and exposing of why this behaviour is not supportive or loving in any relationship. Thank you for your honesty, MAS.
MAS I have read this article through several times now and my body feels as if it is letting go deeper on every read. Even controlling muscles in the body to remain tight with anxiousness or similar is a horrible feeling of self abuse in the body. I am totally inspired to keep seeking out even the most minuscule level of control and coming back to love deeper.
Yes Marika I also agree – the power of our Love within is beyond compare.
MAS thank you. You have shared many powerful points. Such as – ‘There were times when people appeared uncomfortable, but I was committed to making life about love and about truth and from there everything changed.’ – very beautiful. As soon as we choose to live at the mercy of how someone will react when we speak with truth and love we are controlling how we are, and limiting the amount of truth and love we share, which is harming for us all. Yet when we surrender and trust the truth and love we know we are within, All that we are is what is needed to be shared at the moment.
Control really is a choice, unbelievably so and just by a single act of will do we choose it. So simple and yet with such profound and far reaching ramifications.
Absolutely agree Shami – in the end it comes down to a simple choice, connection or control.
“This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment.” Yes to honour one’s self brings back space and control dissipates. Control really brings chaos to any situation, surrendering and expressing how we feel is the key to connection.
MAS this is a brilliantly delivered article exposing the way the sinister games of control can run our lives. You have revealed how if we choose to control ourselves in one area of our lives it plays out in all areas of our lives. Control comes from the absence of love and not claiming the truth of our Love in any given moment leaves us dis-empowered, hence seeking control. Control is abuse, and abuse is anything that is not of Love. I love what you share here how our Love within is our true power – ‘This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment.’ – well said. As I now have also come to understand that true power comes from my connection to my Love within, not from controlling everything around and outside of me. As when are with our Love the need for control does not exist.
“I observed how expressing from the power within was exposing for those who felt secure that our arrangement would never expose the truth. There were times when people appeared uncomfortable, but I was committed to making life about love and about truth and from there everything changed.”
Beautifully put MAS we have unspoken arrangements with our friends, partners and people we work with, to not speak the truth to be honest, play small, be pleasing, nice, etc.etc the list could go on and on. When we start to speak what we are truly feeling and experiencing there is often a discomfort I ourselves and in the other person, but the intimacy and the opportunity for evolution far outweighs this.
“Removing control from the home had the added effect of sending the issue back to the place where it should have been addressed in the first place – the workplace or the person with whom the tension was initially felt.” This is a great exposure MAS when we don’t deal with something in the moment and place it should have been dealt with we then bring it into our bodies and back to our family’s, then we think the issue is with them, its so important to trace back ones foot steps to where we originally when off track, so to speak.
Control is a form of not trusting life, ones body and the knowing we have inside, when we feel disconnected and in our heads or anxious we go into old patterns of trying to control life and other people and situations. This is a vicious circle as other people (like us (don’t want to be controlled, and generally go against what we are trying to make happen, so we try to control more and the more comes the resistance form others and life.
We can do our bit with this and live love and this would change the world around us.
“Stress is a good indicator that we will turn to control as a means of getting by – controlling in our work and controlling people.” I have noticed this a lot in myself of late. When I allow for stress in my life, I lose my connection to me and in that I no longer trust. I then go into control thinking that it is going to make me feel safe, when in actual fact, all I really need to do is reconnect.
I get the sense in your words MAS of control being a kind of ’emergency’ reaction we have to the world, where we lock down and perform actions to keep everything safe. In the way you describe this, you blow this idea of safety apart and show we actually just perpetuate a game where fear and control rule us, in every way. To realise that we are living in this game is huge. In simply connecting to what we feel underneath, lies our healing. Why do we feel this sense of ’emergency’ in the first place?
Hey Joseph, interesting question you pose – perhaps this sense of “emergency” is a reaction we have to feeling that both the world (and ourselves) are at a very different place from where it/we could be – we feel our potential (and equally the potential of humanity) and we feel the reality of where we are at… we either learn to accept the discrepancy or we freak out and reach for control to bring a semblance of order and safety.
It has taken quite sometime to come to the understanding that it is the breath and the body that holds the wisdom which supports us, all we need to do is surrender and trust Control is insidious and holds many disguises e.g I did it for you, I did because I love you, I did it because I want what is best for you. Everyone has felt the undermining effects of control of self or others. As you have stated MAS – ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life’.
You bring it back to building love as a foundation for yourself so we aren’t swayed by control or controlling situations.. and then reading the behaviours to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on. This makes a lot of sense.
MAS I can so relate to the ‘keeping myself small”. I chose this path of protection with the added bits of being invisible which included silence. It is with much appreciation to Universal Medicine presentations that I am re-connecting with my body and discovering how much fun it is to be seen and heard again.
‘In my own experiences I have felt control was like an invisible hand around my throat’ This line really stood out to me today as I have also felt many times that feeling of an invisible hand around my throat silencing me. And yet the truth is I was compliant in the game of control by choosing to be silent time after time whilst feeling the truth of what was going on.
And how many people in the world think control is power, when this in fact is so far from its truth.
Great point Judith – true power has nothing to do with control.
It’s an interesting point, Judith. I feel many people would consider control to be power, but as you say, it’s actually not. Control causes separation and a response to control is to either shut down, or react and fight it. Either way, it’s abusive and disharmonious and it will never bring the fullness of what is possibly just a very dull version of what is being demanded.
True Judith, Control comes from inner insecurity, not power.
It is interesting how we try or think we need to be in control of our lives when in truth it is the surrendering to our body and its innate wisdom that brings our life back into balance.
The way you describe control brilliantly shine’s a light on it exposing how awful it actually is and feel, thank you MAS for saying it how it truly is.
I agree Judith, there is a feeling that we need to be in control of our lives, but who and what is really in control, and what stands to lose if we do surrender to our bodies and the infinite wisdom they hold.
Exactly Thomas, what do we have to lose? Surrender is the key to it all, surrender to the body and its amazing quality of being and the loveless mind will cease to be.
Yes, and that part that thinks it loses out likes to think we are in control, but are we really? Or is it simply handing over our body to another force as a vehicle of expression?
Maybe our need for control comes from the knowingness that, in fact, we aren’t in control and never have been, but we are fighting against this, desperately trying to hang on … to what … a false reality?
So much simpler to concentrate our efforts where we do have control, our choice to reconnect to our innate wisdom and with that, the quality of our selves that we bring to the world in each and every moment.
Judith we have been hoodwinked into thinking we need to have some control in life, 5 year plans, have a vision, know where you are going in life, but none of this delivers a connection to our innate wisdom that is offering X moments that are far greater than we could plan for ourselves. Surrendering to our bodies to feel the magic of God … which reconnects us to the flow in our lives and as you say “brings in the balance” such a different way to ‘choose’ to live.
Judith, Your comment sits so well with me. The more that I surrender, the more my life is coming back into balance! For once my mind was running the show (it still does at times..) but it does not have the strangle hold that it once did. And the more and more I surrender to my body, the more and more I feel that innate wisdom you talk about and feel the absolute joy of what it is to be beautiful, tender and loving.
I agree Judith and the reality is that as much as we may try we can’t control our lives. There are always so many unknowns in the way that it is pointless trying. Surrendering to our bodies and the wisdom it provides is most definitely the way to go.
Judith its a trap that I certainly have fallen for. The fact is we don’t appreciate the power/strength we naturally are or the support we have when we let go of controlling everything and the pictures we are trying to great. Nothing can compare to that “innate wisdom” and as MAS has said “Re-Connection – that’s the answer, and that’s my choice”
True Judith, I can feel how the need for control demands that our body holds itself ‘out of balance’, so to take away this command and “surrendering to our body and its innate wisdom”, brings the body, and life, back into balance.
So true Judith, control is a poor cousin to what connection to ourselves can deliver
Like many ideals and beliefs we live by, this one is upside down and back to front! No wonder humanity is in the sorry state it is on so many levels.
There cannot be more control in our lives than when we let go of any control at all and connect to the deep knowing that we all have and live from there.
‘whilst I was in sympathy with myself, I was failing to acknowledge just how irresponsible I was being with other people,’ wow, this really addresses how I have been much of my life not just with myself but with others too. The extent of how much abuse I have allowed in my life correlates to the extent I have been in sympathy with myself and with another. I have said to myself I can see that I am/ you are hurt and don’t really mean, can’t really help your choices so I’ll let the abuse slide. Essentially, I have said abuse is normal in these circumstances and I have accepted it as ok. In the past I have not stood up to abuse and said no, there is another way: love; but I am more so now.
I agree with you Ariana, holding ourselves in deep and tender love is essential for evolution. For only when we care for ourselves in this way can we truly understand ourselves and our reasons for doing what we do, even and most particularly our ‘mistakes’. I feel having this level of deep self-love is key to our developing awareness.
I can really relate to this line -“I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself”. It has taken me a long time to understand what power is and where true power comes from. Power is a word that is often misunderstood to mean power over another. This is incorrect because true power comes when we connect with the divine with us.
Yes Elizabeth and because true power comes from the connection to the divine within it is never utilised at the expense of another and always for the true good of the whole.
Beautifully expressed kathleenbaldwin; true power is never at the expense of another, but always for the true good of the whole.
Connotations of power are so different than that which is presented here. There is no submissive, inferior, second best, striving, etc when we connect with all that is deep inside us.
It is a revelation to discover that true power is ‘ the power I hold within myself’ and comes when ‘we connect with the divine within us. Life has been made so complicated, dressed with superficiality and ugliness and its essence clearly missed by the multitude.
Beautifully said Elizabeth Dolan – True power comes when we connect with the divine inside us, and never is it power over another. I’m totally understanding that, but have still a way to go to truly claim my power, which means to more deeply connect with the divine within me. Thank you Elizabeth.
I definitely recommend surrender. It is good for the body and wise for the soul.
When we let go and cease the struggle with ourselves and with life, there is more space to appreciate ourselves, others and the magic of life.
Yes well said Deborah, those moments, or if we’re able, periods of time where we do truly surrender, the magic of life is felt in an instant. Letting go struggle, as surrendering requires, allows us to be in the Soul’s flow of life – something the body recognises instantly as being ‘home’.
Amen – a very powerful truth. I am choosing the ‘Soul’s flow of life’ all the way. Struggle is yesteryear.
Great reminder Deborah, surrender is so good for the body and the soul. It’s the soul’s way on earth. In surrender we stay connected to ourselves and e each other.
Very well said Marika. I agree Love is ‘it’.
“Re-Connection – that’s the answer, and that’s my choice.” My choice too MAS. Thanks for a powerful blog. Current dictionary definitions don’t always get to the truth about a word, as so clearly shown in your blog around the real meaning of control.
I deeply understood yesterday how much I control my I-can’t-feel-my-body approach to life by the simple act of thinking. I am always thinking and it’s usually nothing to do with what my body is doing at the time. When I walk and feel my feet, it becomes a whole body experience. When I speak and feel my voice, the same thing happens. But most of the time I walk with my mind focused on where I am going to or where I’ve been – any moment in time other than the present one. That is going to change from here on.
the powerful mind takes us away from feeling ourselves in full from the body. When the mind takes over, the games and tactics start to set in.
Carmel I can so relate to what you are sharing. Despite my best intentions I still struggle to quieten my mind, even though I know how amazing it feels when I am connected. It takes a real commitment to stay present with the body and allow yourself what is there to be felt. Thanks for the reminder!
This is so divine. I feel how exhausting the control is and if I let it go allow myself to feel and be again…even though its really umcomfortable at the moment it is way more honest.
Allowing ourselves to feel and be honest, accept and let go – these are all important choices to not be weighed down and controlled by circumstances around us.
This is so true Nadine – control is exhausting! It means we are placing an inordinate amount of energy into resisting something that comes so naturally – flow in life. We are not taught to trust ‘flow’ however, and the concept is likely foreign to many. We live in a world where control can seem to predominate – it’s time more ‘flow’ is embraced, so the world can see and allow a different way.
Yes, so true. Needing or being controlling is incredibly exhausting, and therefore we are left even more vulnerable, seeking further control and therefore become trapped is a cycle of contraction and control.
Living a life that is steered by the need to control is exhausting. You have to be so vigilant, watching and making sure the responses and reactions of others are in line with your desired outcomes. Every choice you make becomes about maintaining control by some measure. It is such an imposing way to be, but because most of us on planet earth are not very aware of what we are feeling, we take part in these games of control. You could say many relationships are based not on a relationship between two people, but on control. It is the hurt desperate man’s version of relationship. I have done this too and completely oblivious of the fact that I was doing it. One’s hurts can drive one to live in such a way to control others to protect oneself from potential hurt. And this is the way that hurts perpetuate amongst us, disguised, unspoken and accepted.
“It is the hurt desperate man’s version of relationship” … you have nailed it.
Great comment Jinya, Yes control is the ‘hurt desperate man’s version of relationship’ well said and so true. I can so relate as I am sure can many others would too. The interesting thing I am looking at the moment is the relationship between control and judgment. The judging of one self and/or another as either a bully or a victim making one right and one wrong when all is but a reflection asking us to step up to being more responsible. It is only our judgments that create these labels and if we are prepared to drop these by allowing our self to feel why we are controlling the situation (to avoid feeling) we could get on with having real relationships appreciating all that they bring up for us. .
I agree kathleenbaldwin. When we are judged by others and we react to that judgment, we have given our power away to being judged and controlled. In so doing, we had already put ourselves forward to be controlled and thus as controlling. And round and round we go around the merry-go-round, not actually getting even a glimpse of what is true or what a life could look like if we all drop these games.
Spot on Jinya and what an all consuming distraction this merry-go-round is with ‘me’ firmly placed in the centre of all the drama. Now, this is what I’d call self centered! And I have been there so many times I feel, in this life, it is definitely time to step off.
So true. The only real choice that we have is to choose the quality of energy that we live. I for one am trying to choose love each time.
Me too Lee, and the behaviours that get exposed are quite horrendous. Like that of control like MAS shares… which so greatly highlighted needs to be worked on at the root of the problem.
Thank you for sharing this powerful bog MAS. For me, control prevents flow and stops things unfolding as they should. In control, I am saying that my mind knows best, regardless of what is actually unfolding before me. I have also experienced the increase in attempting to control as stress increases, particularly at work. I am trying to let go of control and allow flow, and I have found that when I allow flow, so much more is achieved and the outcome is far greater than I had ever expected.
I agree Lee, control has the opposite effect to what we want it to have. Allowing flow can be difficult at first, and it is something that I am continuing to work on. Bringing my understanding to why I ‘stop’ the flow is key as well, as it highlights something for me to let go of.
“I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.” This paragraph jumped out at me. How powerful to realise that there is only really one choice – the quality of our energy. When I feel the truth of this I can feel that being controlling is a sign of being completely out of control.
Great observation Leonne, how simple yet powerful life becomes when the only true choice we have to make is the ‘quality of our energy.’
For the last few week I was catching myself that I have control over nothing-apart from quality of my breath and movement. As you, MAS, put it:”… the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.” It was very liberating indeed and allowed so much space into my life!
The beauty and simplicity of this absolute responsibility. Well said, Elena.
Yes Elenalight and what l’ve noticed is I have total control of how much love I will allow out, which then controls what might come back. So much to unpack here that reveals the depth and insidiousness of the game we are all playing. This blog captures it beautifully.
Furthermore, from a personal view, whilst I may not have had similar experiences to you, I can absolutely say that control has been a huge part of my life. Sometimes I call it protection – but, in essence can feel that they are very similar. What you say about so many of your relationships is so true and I have felt exactly the same, as I too have felt the immense release in me and in the ‘space between’ me and whoever I am relating to, when I let that go. And that is a marker for me. How that ‘space between’ us feels. If I drop the control, then it is a clear and free space that either one of us can step in to without any fear of imposition, judgement or retribution. It’s equality. And in that space, magic can happen.
Control is actually a disease in todays world, because I can feel how everyone is controlling the other. I used to control and do it still sometimes to have the “security” of how close someone can come. To not be surprised by any move from the other. When I feel into it, it feels closed up and hard instead of flowing with life and love. It is an ongoing process for me to live me in full to surrender to it and live and allow this with other people.
It’s amazing to read such an honest article on control by someone who has clearly had some very intense-life experiences. The responsibility that you are taking for your part in it is very inspiring. Through that responsibility-taking, you have managed to free yourself from the clutches of control, which is a giant evolutionary leap for you and then subsequently for those with whom you have relationships; at home, at work, in life. It’s amazing. I feel that many people who have had similar experiences as you would find it hard to read this article and hard to take the steps that you have taken – this is exactly the long-term damage that control can have – but for those that can hear what you have written, a huge door will be opened. Such an important conversation and huge respect to you for bringing it to us all.
I agree Marika, this power is so important. Not backing down from claiming what love is and looks like in everyday life is what the world needs. We can each live this everyday, and it is through reflection that we get to see that there is another way. What people choose to do with that reflection is up to them, and it is up to us to keep choosing the quality of love in our lives, that we know is equally in all.
Wow MAS, this article is so hugely power-full and beautiful for me to read today. I am working on deepening this quality of power in my relationships – and it is totally the opposite of what ‘power-play’ in relationships previously has been. The power we bring in connection to ourselves, is the power of love. This leaves no room for games or control. This power, as you have shared, can make others uncomfortable as it exposes the choices in expression that are not love. Coming back to our grounding of love for ALL as our commitment is key, as this is what this true power brings in relationship.
An absolutely well needed piece of writing about the utter insidious and disrespecting play out of control. It is all around us, in everything we do, and as you have shown the consequences are crippling. I can completely connect to your point about using it as an excuse to accept something less than true love. I look forward to rereading this one again, thank you.
You make loads of valid points here MAS and you write well indeed to keep the reader at the very least pondering on all this stuff.
You mention about being in a relationship that is an arrangement and the other person thinks they are secure with you as you will ‘never expose the Truth’. A true relationship is constantly evolving and to do that it has to be Truth all the way and in every way. If not then bet your bottom dollar you got an “arrangement” and it suits you both to stay stuck and not truly evolve in any way.
Truth is challenging for so many and yet it frees us all to move on and why on earth would we not want that. All this game playing controlling others because stuff that we have not dealt with continues harming.
What you’ve shared MAS is very powerful… I have come to realise in recent months how insidious control is, and how ‘dressed up’ it can be in any manner of socially-acceptable behaviours. Being ‘nice’ is just one of the ways and yes most definitely being less. I recall feeling shocked to learn that it’s the one who gives power away that is in control, rather than the one seemingly doing the controlling. Who is the ultimate controller l’m not sure, it seems a merry dance between consenting adults as l’m seeing it. Bring it back to each of us however and it is still just control, whichever way we’re playing the game.
This is a great article and one that so needs to be explored. It is topics like this about understanding life and people and how to actually work together that we need to study in school and at University. This would change the world, often what we learn can be very disconnected from people and therefore doesn’t serve. I love the honesty of this sharing and I feel many people can relate to it.
I agree Kristy, the opportunity is there for us all to learn from sharings such as this one about relationships and how they function. It would be brilliant if more time was given to allow children to share their feelings on how we communicate and if more time was spent discussing how we interact with people as a school subject. At present this has no place as it doesn’t allow for a box to be ticked or an exam to be marked, yet it is ultimately far more important than academic results.
Yes Kristy and Stephen G this blog by MAS has exposed an insidious pattern we become involved in, a dynamic that plays out in many relationships, work places and the school yard. It’s time we exposed the dynamics as this is distorting all our relationships without any real awareness of the damage control delivers. Once exposed the protection can be removed and we see there is such a simple way we can be with each other that is both truthful and honest allowing our true power to choose the quality we are to live in.
Awesome point Kristy. How much control is seen in schools? It is its foundation. And also played out between the kids themselves in many ways, including bullying. I felt you nailed it when you wrote of the importance to understand life and people and ‘how to actually work together’. When we understand what goes on behind control we then don’t need to go into the behaviours to protect ourselves from the hurt of it which perpetuates the viscous cycle and only serves to keep us separated and disconnected from each other.
Re-writing the foundation of education one step at a time. Yes please.
By giving away our power to others, we get to a form of control, but we put our ‘fate’ in the hands of others then, and of course we don’t like that! Like yourself MAS, it made me angry, and I lashed out to deal with the tension. I can hide away to not be overpowered or controlled, but in fact I am already. For me true power comes with connection, one can never be without the other. Being connected means taking full responsibility for our lives and what we communicate, so we know how to discern truth from games being played.
It’s ironic that in trying to control situations and other people we are also creating a straight jacket for ourselves that literally strangles us. The tension that is held in the body because we need to be in control is immense and very harming.
One of the seemingly hardest things about surrendering to love is that in doing so we surrender our control over life, for effectively we are saying when we do so that it is no longer our will but the divine will that is truly in control – and even divine will is not truly in control, for it offers all the free will to surrender to its pulse.
MAS what you share is so very true, the body holds all the wisdom, understanding and insights to guide us through life. Choosing this source of energy is love that encompasses all, and not an ounce of control required.
Reading your blog, MAS, I can really appreciate how we can never compartmentalise our life into segments. I have tried in the past putting on different masks for the different area of my life – work, home, social – thinking they are all separate, but in truth, not so – as we always carry the same body of expression which remembers and stores everything it has experienced, and moves in a way that set us up for the next moment. I have just done Esoteric Massage course and it makes a perfect sense of how we do what we do.
Just recently after a presentation of Serge Benhayon I have been discovering the fact, how controlling I am when I am nervous. That there is a moment slightly before the nervousness kicks in, where I choose to not accept the situation as it is and hence the control kicks in in form of nervous tension. Of course the control is an illusion, because the tension controls and paralizes my whole body.
Marika the same thing, the more I make the choice about the quality I am in, the quality of my connection of the type of energy and my willingness to make this the most important thing – the greater things flow and unfold. When I make it about control that’s when things go badly wrong!
MAS – amazing how control works both ways and in your experience of receiving it and being a victim to it, you also were able to control people to be a certain way around you.
Control is a very heavy and sneaky word and I agree the dictionary does not do it justice.
Marika this same line made me shudder. It reminded me of my former self, I worked in a corporate managerial role and what I took home to my then partner. He occasionally reflected ‘my high and mightiness’ back to me and I just could not see it.
‘I learned to keep myself small and I became withdrawn, sad and depressed. I can now say that this way of being was a form of protection because it emitted the energy of “please don’t come near me because I have been hurt by others.”
It was a way I could control others to feel sorry for me, and in that they would not be cruel and then I would feel OK.’ What you have said here is very real and something I can relate to from my own experiences.
This blog has blown the lid off the meaning of control and shows how insidious it really is.
Yes – so many incredible insights within the blog. This one really stood out – . “There was something so tantalising about power and the chance for recognition, particularly when you have spent a lifetime feeling suppressed. I became arrogant, self-important and demanding”. I saw so clearly that when we suppress and play less (by our own choice and often without ourselves knowing it), that the choice to go into a position of ‘power’ comes from a position of less and wanting more and not wanting is truly right and serving.
MAS thank you for exposing so clearly how we fool ourselves when we think we are being controlled by others but it is in fact us who are in control through our choices. Even if we are controlled as, you so clearly show, we are choosing that and therefore the only person controlling us is ourselves.
As you say MAS control is such a hidden mask yet worn by all of us in some shape or form. I know i have been amazingly controlling with my children, and still can be but today i am more aware of how horrid it feels in my body, the suffocating effect it has on myself and all those around me. For the control gives one a completely false sense that everything is ok, when if we are truly honestly about the tension we feel in our bodies, we know deep down it is not.
I had never considered that the lack of control at work would mean that I would seek to make sure I had control in other areas of my life but it makes sense . I can also see how control is a form of security that I can fall back on, if I have control at home then life is acceptable. Letting go of the control is still something I am working on because it is so insidious and can creep into any area of my life….any area of my life that I have not fully claimed and taken responsibility for.
“It was a way I could control others to feel sorry for me, and in that they would not be cruel and then I would feel OK.” MAS You have shown how warped control can be, for you have describe the more obvious dominance of control but equally there is the subtle but all to present control we use to make ourselves less so that we can steer our way through life.
Yes it is quite an insidious energy Lucinda, great to highlight the quote. We so often link control with dominance, but as MAS shows us control is also means manipulating people’s emotional responses as well as their physical behaviour, subtle emotional blackmail that keeps the perceived ‘victim of life’ firmly in the driving seat.
This is one seriously honest article that brings up such a level of responsibility I am just starting to live and understand. Knowing that this way of living (living in control) has such a harming impact on others has given me a greater understand of how important it is to let go of these behaviours. I can see how I have used control in so many ways of my life, work, and relationships and still do to many degrees which brings to the surface my work that I need to focus on in order to dissipate this ill pattern. I can see now why I have spent so much time on focusing on others so as to not feel what and how I am living myself.
“I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.” This is the ultimate power and from one who has also chosen to play small, dull myself and given my power away to others I am learning to keep confirming myself in an energetic quality that I know is true and strong and express from there.
Thank you MAS, I really liked the comment you shared… “I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live”… Choosing the quality of energy we live in is far more powerful than any ‘control’ a job title, workplace role or family dynamic could ever offer.
Thank you MAS for so clearly exposing the evil of control in all its many guises. Choosing to surrender to the flow of life eliminates the need for controlling behaviour, the more I experience this the more obvious my attempts to control are. Whether they be by trying to dominate or being submissive – both of which I have had a lot of previous experience with.
I heard and was asked for most of my childhood why I was not listening or obeying to what I was being told to do. I spent 20 years in the military of one country and 20 years in the prison service of another country. How ironic is that. Some how I have managed to come out the other end of this oppressive control with my share of scars but the real me is still here. I am nothing like that other guy that wandered for 40 years in the wastelands but I choose to re-connect to myself and the flow of life.
This article has sparked some really great comments.Like many articles on this website such great topics are explored to help evolve us all. Past hurts seem to be the cause of most of our problems so exposing them and not leaving a rock unturned is an important process on our return back to love.The need to control and be controlled has been around as long as we have so taking a good hard look at this subject and understanding it better is essential. Great insight MAS
Hey MAS, this is such a confirmation for where I am at, I can feel the spaciousness and simplicity within the blog And within my life as I let go of control.
I know exactly what you mean here – that exertion of control over another, or an event giving the illusion that everything is ‘under control’ whereas under the water my legs are kicking like mad to get from here to there, overwhelmed by everything there is to do or consider in my world. And it works both ways… playing submissive and nice to those that I allow to control me – rather than feeling what is true for me, expressing it in full, and then being open to the next step. Such a simple formula, its extraordinary that it does not get used from time to time!
MAS this is a huge topic that you have brought to the table, thank you. Control is such an insidious way to live and when I look back to when I started to ‘get control of my life’ I was very young. As a teenager I can remember totally setting up situations where by I worked my magic to create a situation that I felt I was in control of, and as you say completely shut down from the beautiful connected Woman that I am. Control can be so sneaky and it is on that I am only really started to see it for what it truly is and also starting to feel the immediate impact it has on my body and being when I choose to go into this. Letting go and simply allowing and trusting that the Love that we are is everything that I will every need in life and then some!
If there’s any form of control taking “control” of how we are – it is immediately felt in the body. Cause there’s tension coming up. There’s one simple aspect of how we are with each other. Whom do we like to open up to: those who are surrendered in their selves or those who are in tension? The answer is simple. And so is it with the soul. It can only open up to us, if we allow ourselves to surrender in the body and let it guide the way.
Thank you MAS. for your sharing on control. I felt I gave my power away for many years by not being completely honest and {not rocking the boat} therefor was in turn controlling of others, it’s a bit like pass the parcel where we all pass it on down the line! I find that at times I still allow myself to be railroaded into something that afterwards I regret!
But having more love and appreciation for myself now than I ever have ,thanks to the presentations of The Way of The Livingness by Serge Benhayon I feel I am making better choices for myself .
Yes Marika, Love is the only way forward……
This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment. This is the way to lead a simple, uncomplicated life that brings much richness, harmony and integrity, and the easy flow that life was always meant to be. Thank-you Mas for sharing.
I too Marika, I do agree on choosing the quality of energy to be love as this is where I come from and what I am made of. Choosing something different will need me to control my life in that way as this is not what I naturally am and correspond to.
I liked it MAS, a blog of great wisdom, I was given a deeper awareness of how control is played out and how harming it is.
This is a brilliant blog MAS – control is born of fear and when we are fearful we feel the need to do something to make us feel safe again. As your article highlights what we are truly feeling is a lack of connection and when we are not connected and feeling ourselves from our greatness then the smaller version of us has the reins and more often than not we gallop off in the wrong direction.
Well said Shelley. “Control is born of fear and when we are fearful we feel the need to do something to make us feel safe again”. If we go underneath that fear then we can see the reason we are fearful is because we are not with ourselves as when we are there is not a thing to fear.
I can only echo the words of others that this is a beautiful and powerful blog. Lovely and thought-provoking words on connection. Thank you MAS.
This is such a revealing blog MAS it shows how much we can choose to act irresponsibly under the guise of control, something we allow in when we disconnect from self. It as always comes back to reconnecting to our self and the love that we naturally are.
I know I used control to protect myself from getting hurt if I was in control then I could not be hurt (or so I thought). There is much we can learn about ourselves from being honest and seeing how much we allow control to run our lives and the insidious games we play with each other to manipulate and control everything around us.
And the monstrous and most ridiculous thing is that whilst playing the control game (controlled or controlling) we are actually perpetuating the hurt, pain and abuse. We think we are protecting ourselves but actually the opposite is true.
I am also noticing that when another is controlling and we hold back expressing then we are equally playing the game and also using a form of control to stay protected.
‘or so I thought’ is the important bit here, control hurts us too, so tight and hard and wiley, no room for love at all.
You’ve nailed the difference here between the power of control and the power of connection. One is adopted as a coping strategy, the other merely felt and lived from. So easy! So why do we make it complicated for ourselves simply to connect to ourselves and live from there, ‘honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment.’? As you’ve described, the impact of choosing the quality of the energy we then take to work is game-changing in its knock-on effect with others and, most importantly, on the outcome it has on the body.
Great expose MAS on the different ways control plays out in our lives. I am sure many of us can relate to having been either the overt controller or the more submissive equally controlling one at some point. When we are re-connect to ourselves, to the love, there is a natural rhythm and flow to life and no longer the need to protect ourselves or attempt to control our lives. Thank you for sharing your insights.
I have been on both sides of the fence in relation to control. Thanks for writing such an open and honest blog MAS. I recognise that my need to control is about having things the way I want then so I don’t have to deal with uncomfortable feelings. Allowing other to control means I don’t have to take responsibility and can let others take the lead. It feels good to have identified these patterns that I have because now I can recognise them when they pop up and I can make different choices. Half the battle is just being honest with yourself.
I resonate with so much of what you and MAS write Debra. Especially allowing control so that I don’t have to take responsibility – that one is huge for me. And in doing so saying yes to abuse, which is also a yucky comfort I have chosen to love to live with. There is much that is ouch in this article but as you say, being honest is the way to move forward with the awarenesses it has presented for us.
I too have been on both sides of the fence: controlled and controlling and I have oscillated between the two trying to find some ‘right’ ground. Not until I let go of this game completely am I free to connect to the truth of who I am, respecting and honouring others to be free to do the same.
Great piece of applied psychology, raw and naked; and very exposing of the many hidden and not so hidden motives and false expressions of this or that, as long as they serve our agenda. This is a very ugly game we play.
What a powerful blog MAS which to me is all about beginning to take responsibility for our choices and which comes from establishing a connection and care for, and with the body, the marker of all our choices.
I am having a big “OUCH” moment from reading your blog, and it’s uncomfortable because I can see how controlling I am with my daughter. Your words:
“it comes across as a threat even if the words do not indicate it as such, it suggests non-compliance has penalties,… it’s manipulative, it’s a secret game where the rules are known but never spoken, it uses fear and intimidates,…” are so true and it feels horrible to become aware of this and that I do this to my own child.
In tears now feeling what I have chosen but at the same time feeling great to become more aware of this so that I can stop it from continuing.
Thank you.
Anonymous, this is the best place for you to be … and what you feel next will be amazing as the changes start to take place and your awareness expands.
MAS what has just come to me is how we use many different techniques to control. There’s the age old guilt ‘of course I don’t mind you going out on my birthday’ way to control another. The ‘I know more than you’ along with the ‘I don’t know as much as you’, the ‘i’ll give you something good’ as well as the ‘i’ll give you something bad’. ‘I’m more talented than you’ and ‘i’m not as talented as you’. Oh and the absolute classic of all time ‘I am a man’ equaled by the ‘I am a woman’ Oh my goodness we are master manipulators, tweaking life and people as we go. Yuck!
Even the ‘nicest’ words can be riddled with control. With you on this absolutely and am continuously refining the way I come to my children. It’s might challenging and many, many times I have stuffed up. So important not to beat ourselves up, but to lovingly pick ourselves up and go again.
I too have to feel the control I have with my family – it seems somehow connected to perfection. All of it however I believe has its root cause in not wishing to feel what is really going on. Thank you for your super honest sharing here.
A huge thank you Anonymous – Something from my own childhood has suddenly become very clearly felt in my body from your ‘ouch’ moment expressed here.
If I did not comply with what was asked of me, ‘love’ (emotionally based) would be withdrawn or withheld through something as simple as a look or the raising of an eyebrow in a particular way.
It was made very clear that I was not worthy to receive love as I had stepped out of line somewhere.
This left me in a constant state of anxiousness from fear of being abandoned if I was not nice and good.
It was not so much the words but the energy felt behind the words or the facial expressions that made it a very scary and intimidating.
Now in my 60’s it is amazing to feel the wave of release that has just gone through my body as I write this, my legs feeling like jelly as something let go in my upper chest.
Wow! Comments are as healing as the blogs themselves.
“it comes across as a threat even if the words do not indicate it as such, it suggests non-compliance has penalties,… it’s manipulative, it’s a secret game where the rules are known but never spoken, it uses fear and intimidates,…”
Wow! That is powerful. It can be so easy to barricade ourselves in when we are acting in such a way. Allowing yourself to actually see takes not only courage but power.
A very honest sharing and great that you are starting to see this and share this. I am aware that we notice layers of it and then even more subtle layers again once these are exposed. Some form of control will be there if love is not the leading way.
Absolutely, an amazing revelation, one that you can now be aware of forever, blessed, no doubt.
“The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.” This is a Universal Magic Pill.
Magic Pill indeed Jonathan, it is quite amazing really to have such beauty sitting within us and not either know that it is there or how to bring it out. Universal Medicine brings to light the truth behind every little part of what might be in the way of this taking place and this article is one that also have exposed just that.
Beautiful Ariana and a point well worth repeating. The depth of tender love we have for ourselves holds us steady in all of life’s situations, and there is no need to control.
Seeing where we’ve been and being controlling is really a blessing, it gives us a chance to let it all go … It’s exposing at times and we don’t really like what we see but the choice really is ours.
Spot on MAS, re-connection is the only answer and as you say ‘the missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself’. When we do make this commitment to ourselves, our whole life changes. The way you have addressed controlling behaviour within yourself, your family home and then your work is truly inspirational. You have proved that it is possible to break the family patterns of behaviour and establish a truly loving foundation in life, another superb example of how connecting to our inner truth and love can transform the most entrenched behaviour.
I spent much energy for many, many years trying to control my children, thinking that I knew what was best for them. It was so freeing for all concerned when I let this go and allowed them to make their own choices in life. It is ludicrous to think as a parent we know what is best for them as if they do not have their own innate knowing. This is how we prevent them growing into responsible teenagers and adults.
I agree with you Marylouisemyers. But find it jolly hard! Finding that line between allowing them to make their own choices, but also not accepting them selling themselves short, nor behaving in a way that affects others. I am constantly dancing on that thin line.
This is beautiful Mary-Louise with which you highlight a powerful point. That when we surrender to the Divine Love we are, we can surrender to the Divine flow of life as we then trust our part in this Divine flow. Honoring that we are all an equally powerful and essential part of this Divine flow.
Wise words marylouisemyers, I can see it’s a vicious circle of inter-dependency when we don’t respect that our growing children need to make their own choices – even if on occasion they have not been the greatest choice – according to us! But beyond the responsibility of raising our children, it is indeed their life, their knowing, and their development of their own self responsibility.
They sure are mad games and ones we must find relief in as we simply would not play them if there was no pay out. It can be infuriating to be faced with the fact no one can control you or make you do anything when you are in a dynamic and it feels very much differently. But it is the truth, we are free until we chose not to be and then spend our time pretending we didn’t know how to live free from control. The game is up, but will we roll the dice again in our favour or get out of the way and allow the next step to unfold knowing we are held in love… choices, choices !
Definitely Ariana we are often bullies to ourselves very cruel and unkind we really need to arrest that sort of behaviour to ourselves and like you and MAS have shared to bring the tender loving care to ourselves to heal those self inflicted wounds. I love that the only way out is to be more love! Best medicine ever.
Absolutely, there is no recipe needed, nor analysis or combination of medicine, it is just love. We just have to be love, that simple…love it!!
MAS l absolutely love your contributions. There is so much openness and truth and equality in your words of absolute wisdom.
Control is a big one for me. Do this and l won’t get hurt as much. Avoiding the loving choice and playing small. Not taking responsibility for this. lts all there still in my life but with your words as a marker l can see that l can make another choice. Thank you as it is becoming clearer now every day.
Yet another stunning blog, MAS. Thank you for exposing so deftly the illusion of control, and how the choice of the one thing we actually have control over, our own quality, is where the truth of power lies. It is not a power that is wielded over another, but is chosen so that we may live harmoniously with all others.
“how the choice of the one thing we actually have control over, our own quality, is where the truth of power lies” Indeed Naren, with a growing awareness of energy, the choice to responsible with our quality is where true change takes place.
When it comes down to it, lucindag, our choice of quality is the place where our responsibility starts and ends.
A great unravelling of control and manipulation MAS and to discover that what you needed was connection and self-empowerment. It is amazing how our true qualities can disarm control in another simply by bringing truth to the situation. We have to come to the understanding within ourselves first, but once we do we are empowered to make change. Very well done, thank you for sharing.
“If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.” It’s no coincidence that I was speaking with a family member about control just yesterday and here is your blog ready for me to read to take my understanding further. Thank you MAS for writing and sharing.
I can definitely feel how I have used control in reaction to my own hurts, your article has prompted me to feel into this more. Whilst I am protecting myself I feel I’m also wanting to protect others from being attacked in the same way, which is ironic as control is also a form of abuse. It’s also incredibly arrogant of me to feel that I could know what’s ‘best’ for another. I can’t possibly and it’s not my place to make choices for another. Offer support, yes, hold them in my love, yes, but say no to that controlling impulse that kicks in to want to ‘make things better’ for them, to bring back harmony. Things can only change if that person wants them to and takes the initiative to make changes for their self.
Very powerful blog and one that is written with complete honesty. Your willingness to see how you controlled in the abusive relationship is a game changer for everyone. You have shown how it is possible to take responsibility in all aspects of your life and bring about true change regardless of the circumstances. While it was horrific what you lived with and you have not lessened that, you offer a deep healing for everyone in sharing the level of responsibility you were prepared to go to to change your life. We always have a choice to connect no matter the circumstances and that we never have to be owned by a situation. True empowerment and true freedom are there to be had in every moment.
What an absolutely brilliant blog MAS, revealing the many games that we play in the pursuit of power and control. The crazy things is that when we play these games we are moving further and further away from ourselves and create a false power. True power comes from living the Love that we are from our inner-hearts and yes not from our heads, but living and expressing the true truth of what we are feeling, regardless of how uncomfortable this feels to another.
What a powerhouse as a writer you are MAS. I loved this statement “I observed how expressing from the power within was exposing for those who felt secure that our arrangement would never expose the truth. There were times when people appeared uncomfortable.” I held myself in a way afraid to be me in case no one liked me anymore. Now that is controlling. Once I started being me and expressing my truth, afraid at first as to the response, I discovered that it opened up conversation and I got Icloser with my friends, we got to know each other on a deeper level.
Control – it feels awful in my body yet I choose it every day. I can feel the restriction it creates for me and I can see how yuk it is when I try to control my family and others as if to protect myself from them.
Yes I agree Elodie it does feel awful and dense in the body. It is strange because we imagine we protect ourselves by controlling but it has the exact opposite effect and attracts the very things we are trying to protect ourselves from. What we are all looking for is love and that does not have one ounce of control or protection in it and yet is the only true protection!!!
We all get caught up in the need to protect ourselves from the world, so that we do not get hurt, but inevitably we do get hurt as soon as we close the door to the love we all are. Thus true protection is staying open, staying connected with our body and expressing what is there to be expressed….. Love.
I agree Elodie. Trying to control others is so imposing and feels really ‘yuk’ as you say. Allowing people to be where they are and giving them the grace of their own time is something I am working on:)
I agree Sara and sometime I wonder at the expression “allowing others to be” because really it is not our choice or even ability to allow someone else to be here or there. When we imagine it is and impose on others we are much more likely to reinforce their choice to be the opposite of where we in our imposition want them to be!
Control, only the word itself is allready full of ‘control’. I’ve accepted control as being normal a long time ago. I’ve played the nice game very well and only recently I’ve started admitting that if I do not choose feeling me, that there’s always control. In one way or the other. Even though with my mind I can express the ‘right’, ‘sounding good’ words. But the energy is controlling. Of course, because I am missing me and have to control the situation to not be exposed or reflected that what I am missing. It is actually very sad and – in my personal experience – very tiring. Control is the opposite of Love. I’ve found that judging myself for controlling isn’t the answer either. The only answer is to feel it, feel what’s under neath and let go.
Yes Floris. You have nailed it. Judgement is a huge form of control. Absolutely. So often I have judged myself and thought that I was being super honest or super humble or super whatever…but in fact it is just another layer of control. Controlling myself from seeing the full picture, of seeing what actually is at play. Judgement ends that conversation immediately. Total control.
Hear hear Otto. What if men in the world start acknowledging this on a broader scale. If we would start sharing this from a not judgemental way, but from a learning perspective. How different would we start treating ourselves, other men, other women. What if this is the gateway to eventually a world without judgement, without control. Thank you Otto! This is Gold.
Letting go of judgement is the most amazing and biggest release for my body. It’s huge. Like a massive suit of chain mail being lifted off me by a fair maiden after a brutal crusade – have I watched too many movies?!
The way you describe control in its true ugliness is very exposing. The power that comes from control is not true power, it is abuse.
Yes Carmin Hall, especially in a world where having control over things is considered something positive.
Control can appear to be about manipulating or forcing the outcomes one wants, I feel it is also about keeping everything bound up so that we don’t get faced with anything that will lead to us feeling overwhelmed and ‘out of control’. The greater the control, the greater the fear. Arrogance plays a powerful role in the decisions we make and the force that we facilitate over and through others. Your comment – ‘…….but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live’, this feels so powerful and it’s foundation is founded on energetic responsibility and energetic integrity, it is what is true and allows all else to flow. Thank you MAS for exposing in us, all the areas in which we are living less than we truly are.
So true ch1956; the greater the control, the greater the fear, and the smaller we become as we then express from this place of fear instead of our grandness, power and intelligence that being love and expressing love brings.
‘Control can appear to be about manipulating or forcing the outcomes one wants, I feel it is also about keeping everything bound up so that we don’t get faced with anything that will lead to us feeling overwhelmed and ‘out of control’.
I can so relate to this, ch1956, I feel control is often used as a result of a deep fear of the ‘unknown’, we use control to ‘force outcomes’ to allow us to feel safe, which is ironic as the truest way to look after our selves is to live from our inner heart, in connection with our selves and the rest of the universe, allowing the natural flow of life. This is the exact opposite to using control.
MAS this is just what I needed to read this as there is an incredible amount of pressure in my life as the moment and I felt the control I go into to cope with it. This control is an inner process where I expect myself to get everything done which disconnects me from myself and a natural flow that happens from this connection.
Thank you for your insights and opportunity to look at this pattern more honestly.
In 1990 I had a motorbike accident in India and badly broke my leg just below the knee. It took me a long, long time until I could walk again and that showed me just how much control I had in relation to all the things I planned to do and everything else!!!
Indeed Nicola it is often not until there is a stop that we become aware of how we have been truly living. My husband recently took my three children away for 3 days, it was the first time in two years that i have been all alone in my house, I loved it, however being alone with myself gave me the opportunity to really feel the low level anxiousness and control that I use when my family are around!
I felt controlled by many people in my life, first from relatives and then from friends. Sometimes it would be in my face and sometimes more subtle. I sometimes fought back and spoke my truth but other time, played ball with the game just to feel accepted. Speaking the truth usually put a stop to it, or playing ball with the game attracts more of these unwanted situations.
This is true Alexandre, whatever we perpetuate makes it easier to make the same choice again and again – whether it be expressing truth or holding back, it all comes from a simple choice.
“Living in a way that honours our connection can give obstacles a new perspective.” I love this and it shows that when we make space to stop and connect, life can open up. It does not feel so stressful and pressing because we are connected to ourselves which offers us more space in life.
Thank you MAS for so honestly sharing, I can relate to being very controlling in the past, by putting myself in a place of being needed by people, I also have come to recognise that playing small has been a form control in my life, all very ugly. When I reconnect to the love that I am, there is no need and nothing to control.
The authority with which you speak MAS is truly inspiring to feel, that in choosing ‘the quality of the energy that I live’ ‘there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life’ – building our relationship with God. Thank you MAS.
“…control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.” We can’t surrender if we are needing to control, the penny’s dropped; to surrender to everything every one is equally, to our inner-heart, just can’t happen whilst we control ‘who, what and how’.
Very true Rosanna, ‘we can’t surrender if we are needing to control’, which brings it back to what MAS shared, ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.’ Letting go of control and surrendering feels so lovely.
I love this MAS.
‘I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.’ This is great because it comes from our own responsibility to be all that we are. We have the power.
Totally agree Kathryn… the sentence gives the feeling of someone that is as solid as a rock in their own truth, and then there is no need to trumpet how or what we feel, because there is an unequivocal stance where everyone knows exactly where they stand… no games.
Such a great blog MAS that blows any ideas we may have had about control out of the water. It’s so true, control can be very submissive and quiet yet we tend to think of it as outwardly big and forceful. I love the revelation in this article and have much to consider in my own uses of control in different aspects of my life…
So true Sara and I agree a great blog. As it calls to bring awareness to the less obvious, subtle and sneaky ways we use control in our lives by bringing a deeper awareness to our connection to our bodies, through which the truth is always revealed.
And I love that, that our body will never allow us to escape truth, no matter how much effort we put into avoiding it.
Love the physical tangible description you give MAS to what control is. Control feels like lines everywhere to me, that we or others should not cross or deviate from. Its like the whole world becomes a ruler, instead of the roundness and warmth we all come from.
What stood out reading your words MAS was how our seeking “to be liked and accepted by others” is simply another form of control. Its like what you are showing is how control seeps into everything when we live without the connection to Love.
‘Reclaiming the Power Within –The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.’ This is key so that expression comes from a place of love rather than reaction.
It is amazing to look at what is really going on when we try to control situations, and often we find a huge layer of protection. I have been reacting to many situations at work recently, and reading your blog I can see how I have wanted situations to look different, which is a form of control. When we see the control and protection at play in situations, then we can start to let go of the control we are holding onto as it simply isn’t who we are.
This blog really helped me get honest about how I have used control/manipulation in my life and how awfully constricting and suffocating it felt when I allowed myself to feel this fully. I can see more clearly just how sublte control can be in my life, such as holding back my expression when my wife may ask me if something is bothering me, and looking for sympathy in a situation that I was not ready to take real responsibility for. There are many more examples of this, but MAS has shown how insidious this approach to life can be, and how easy things can be once we call this behaviour out in ourselves and commit more to choosing a way of communicating and expressing ourselves from our hearts, not our heads as a form to avoid getting hurt.
Wow MAS what an intensely powerful blog. You write about things felt and implied but never spoken, an arrangement or agreement in energy. Non-compliance has penalties. There is no truth to living by playing these games and staying small is both saying yes to what you know is not true and a form of control in itself. Your bitter pill to swallow has proved to be good medicine indeed as you have committed to truth and accepting only love in your life.
I have been very controlling by being imposing and wanting to change people. Control has no understanding and only sees what it wants to see, without love. If we let go of control, life can flow, people can be and mostly, we can ourselves can also just be.
I agree Mariette, ‘control has no understanding and only sees what it wants to see, without love. ‘
Awesome blog MAS and one that deserves much attention, consideration, contemplation and/or pondering on.
This is a hugely powerful blog MAS and certainly something we all can relate with on some level in our lives. Control is insidious. It is the desire to have life be a certain way when in truth it simply cannot be that way, thus it is a force that we must apply to make it that way. It can be the greatest way to hide our hurts but also the exhausting and contracting way to be
Absolutely Joshua, control is insidious. It is us wanting life to be a certain way so we think we are safe and don’t get hurt again, which is just an illusion.
And a great protection of the hurt we choose not to deal with
Absolutely Joshua. The reason we have such control is because there are so many people in the world who don’t accept life as it is. Instead of addressing things as they come, and finding a way through life that works with both society and their own bodies (taking care of them), people try and laboriously form lifestyles where they can push their bodies at work, in emotional relationships etc., but also indulge in comforts such as TV and certain foods, thus resulting in becoming very exhausted trying to do all of that.
Yes Joshua, it starts with the contracting away from the stupendous beings that we are, who have no need to control anything as we can feel we are part of a bigger plan. When we contract away from this the struggle starts and control becomes part of our lives.
Its ironic Judith, we think we are in control when in fact it is far from the truth as we are actually the ones being controlled by the situation we give our power to
This is a very powerful blog MAS, and I love the way you lead the reader through the insidious nature of control only to end with the wonderful simplicity of re-connection.
“…if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.”
“Instead of addressing issues at work around control or abuse, generally I would bring it home and control my family.” An important point you address here MAS. This clearly reveals how we can take undealt issues with us everywhere we go, effecting everyone we meet.
Yes Diana this part stood out for me also…
Un- Dealt with issues can bring a tainted feeling into all our relationships.
That is a great point to highlight Diana – when we don’t deal with an issue we carry it round with us into everything we do and all our relationships. It’s a bit like a virus as we can then trigger hurts or issues in others if they react to whatever the issue is that we are presenting with.
Yes Fiona and this shows us that we have a responsibility to our self and everyone around us to deal with our issues the moment they are presented to us.
This is true, and if we live like this every day, then we start to just believe it is who we are … but who we really are, is far from this way of being.
So true diana1975. We compartmentalise our lives and think we leave work at work, or home stuff at home. We take all of our stuff, dealt with or not, into everything that we do.
MAS, I love how you exposed how we control without being the one that is dominant and demands with words. Making ourselves small can be just as controlling, but is not seen this way and accepted. Makes the difference between the one who bullies and the one being bullied disappear And shows how it is just 2 different reactions with the same lovelessness.
Monika I agree that it needs to be seen that their is no difference between the bully and the one being bullied. I feel the one who is allowing the bullying is at times more insidious then the bully. At least the bully is outwardly controlling, the other is pretending to be a victim when all along is playing a game attracting and inciting the other to be a bully.
Oh yes Monika R and marylouisemyers, I’ve played that game without even realising it, such was the illusion I was in… once revealed I was being equally controlling the game was up. I could then be truthfull and take responsibility for my part. It’s interesting this is such a controlling pattern but little do we see it being ‘stopped’ and called out. We are so preoccupied and wound up in the emotion and drama of it all that we can’t see we are in turn not living from choice but caught in an endless cycle of ups and downs.
Great point Monika. It is controlling to play into the control and manipulation game and yes often the victim can be more aggressive than the bully.
Well observed and expressed Monika. I know from personal experience that acting small plays into the hands of so called bullies, keeps the status quo exactly as it is and is a form of control. It is very easy to label the dominant one as manipulative, without turning the torchlight on the one that allows herself to be manipulated. As you say both parties are playing the game of ‘lovelessness’.
Indeed Monika R bullying is such a key issue within schools today, with this understanding the bullies would not be so condemned and there would be greater opportunities to heal by everyone taking equal responsibility for their part in abuse.
I love how you bring the school ground into this conversation. Such an important place where we start playing those ‘games’ and make one right and the other wrong. From the moment we do that we are all lost, for love wasn’t the foundation.
Thank you MAS. Control is very much what rules the world and what we learn in order to survive. But as you describe control is not needed but connection. Because when we are connected with ourselves we trust ourselves and thus do not need any control over another. Connection then with another is so sweet and heartwarming where control does not have any place only deep appreciation and the beauty of being with a fellow human being/brother.
This is an amazing understanding and honesty about our control on life and also about the power of our choices and connection to who we really are. It is a great reflection and inspiration and so great to read and understand. I also am finding the support and love of Serge Benhayon and his family and all he is offering humanity is showing us the true way to live in the world. Thank you for this great sharing.
Control is an illusion, as in truth we cannot control anything on the long term. If we really want something to change permanently the only thing we can do is to look at what this is reflecting to us and start changing what is needed to change in our own lives.
It takes A LOT of effort to control something…as this is going against the natural flow of life. No wonder the world is suffering an exhaustion epidemic!
So true Sara, the tension control creates in the body is immense. I have recently completed an esoteric massage course and we have been releasing many of the patterns that the bodies muscles/tissue hold. What has been hugely revealing for me personally is how much control and angst was present in my hands!
So true Michael it is an illusion we fall for time and again when we are unwilling to look at the choices we are making and the life we are choosing to live. As you share it begins with looking at our relationship with self, connecting back to the truth of who we are.
I totally agree with you comment Michael, thank you.
Hear hear Michael, it is always our responsibility to look at what we are bringing to this picture, read the situation and ‘look at what this is reflecting to us and start changing what is needed to change in our own lives.’
Yes Michael at the end of the day, as much as we may wish for things to be different, if we want change we ultimately have to put the hard work in to make it happen.
If we open up to honestly look at ourselves and what we are doing and see others for who they are and not for what they do, we will not need to control anyone as we will realize that to lovingly connect is our natural way to be with each other.
Yes Ariana, and developing and deepening a foundation of Love is an ever-constant process.
Thank you MAS, Ariana, Tamara and Deborah, I agree, re-finding love and holding onto love so we can again reestablish our foundation of ‘Love’ is a for-ever expanding process.
This is beautiful MAS, ‘Reclaiming the Power Within – The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.’ I can so relate to this, I did not care for or love myself growing up and as a result i was very hard and critical of myself, this has completely changed thanks to being inspired by the presentations of Universal Medicine, I now love and appreciation of myself and I continue to deepen this.
The crazy idea that we have some modicum of control by exerting our influence on others just goes to show how well and truly we are duped into thinking that we might even be running the show ourselves!
So well said Helen. The epitome of arrogance!
Well said Helen, love it!
Haha I love it Helen – duped into thinking we might be running the show ourselves! What exactly do we think we are controlling? Letting go and bringing truth love and understanding to any situation is powerful beyond measure compared with trying to control anything or anyone.
Hahaha yep .. nice one Helen pretty arrogant of us
So fooled we are Helen!
Well said Helen – that is what I always think about control. The whole thing is a completely absurd illusion, we are all complicit – fooling ourselves and each other and not even doing a very good job of it!
A great point Helen, how arrogant we can become, ‘we are duped into thinking that we might even be running the show ourselves!’
Touche, Helen, very well said ….. who are we trying to kid, apart from our selves!
True and how out of control we are when we need to control as it is so far away from a foundation of love which is at the heart of every person.
So true Helen for acts of control are mere outbursts of emotions..
That’s so true Helen, who’s controlling who!
Well said Helen, hoodwinked into believing that we can call the shots and control situations. I must remind myself of this the next time I try to control a situation.
Well said. When we are “in control” we have no idea that we actually have nothing to do with it!
Thank you for this blog MAS, control is almost in everything and not just in the obvious places as being arrogant or easy to ‘explode’. I can see how making myself small or just that little thing that I say can control a whole situation. We all feel the tiniest things even if we are not aware of it and we all play(ed) this game. Amazing to see this more as its power lessens when I truly see it.
Agree Lieke, I was thinking about control in the more obvious terms, but through reading the comments on this blog, I am seeing how it plays out in so many situations. You are right that when the light of honesty is shone on control, its power lessens. Great observations. This is something I will be more vigilant about from now on.
I can feel this too Lieke, ‘I can see how making myself small or just that little thing that I say can control a whole situation’, i have become aware lately of how i hold myself back, make myself small; all to not stand out and be seen, i can feel how very controlling this is because it is not naturally who i am and so it feels very controlling.
It is very comfortable to stay in the controlling behaviours. We feel safe because it works seemingly. What I can feel is a great stagnation in control. To have the courage to let go of any control and to surrender to the love that I am is indeed an ongoing, never ending process for me.
So true Lieke, we are so powerful in everything we think, say and do, no matter how much we try to hide or make ourselves small, it always has an impact on the whole in one way or another. To think we can control that impact we have on the world or somehow manipulate ourselves thinking we do not matter is quite ridiculous.
MAS there is so much expressed in your blog for me to ponder as I relate to being the quiet person who controlled through avoidance of conflict and manipulation, and am in the process being more steady and willing to speak my truth and allow things to unfold as the need to by being connected with my body and tender with myself.
For me it was very important to understand a couple of years ago, that not only the outgoing, very obviously controlling people are controlling, but the very calm and quiet people as well. It always seems, that they are he “victims” although they know exactly what they do with their behaviour. Thank you for making me more aware of this fact again.
The clarity and detail in this blog MAS is an absolute testament to the depth of control you have and are clearing out of your every way.
I am left as always by your writing in awe of your gorgeous generosity in sharing your life experiences and lessons learned. Thank you.
This is a really gorgeous and comprehensive blog about control and how to let it go through reconnecting to our innermost. There is so much in this blog that I could relate to when it comes to control and I too have found the way to stop it and end the cycle of control is to live from my innermost, This cuts the cord as there is no need to control when living from our innermost. Everything just is.
Wow this was an awesome blog. Its so groundbreaking to mention that possibly, just maybe we all have a part to play in the so called ‘misfortune’ of our life and that truthfully, we can all be responsible about how our life is. Its excellent to mention this because it will not be widely accepted, so thank you for showing that by applying oneself truthfully to life, that things can start to truly change.
It’s great to get this conversation started and yes it’s ‘groundbreaking ‘ as you say Harry. I remember the first time it was put to me that I was equally controlling in my relationship, I was aghast that I had a role apart from innocent victim. Yes it’s time to expose this insidious game for the destruction it causes and we then get to take the responsibility in our lives. How different life truthfully would be!
Boy oh boy MAS this feels like a scene written for a scary home movie “In my own experiences I have felt control was like an invisible hand around my throat: it comes across as a threat even if the words do not indicate it as such, it suggests non-compliance has penalties, it’s a squashing of who I am, it demands I be submissive, it’s manipulative, it’s a secret game where the rules are known but never spoken, it uses fear and intimidates, and it creates self-doubt to thwart truth. In essence, controlling behaviour makes my skin crawl.” The sad thing is that it is actually the truth for so many. Thankyou MAS for opening up the discussion on exposing ‘control’ in its many shapes and forms.
I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself – this is a fantastic line and in my personal experience the difference between something that supports the development on everyone not just the advancement of and individual
I love what you are sharing, nicolesjardin! I would add that power comes from a true surrender to the intelligence of the body. As how the word “power” is used in a misunderstandingly way as being a force we are able to use to dictate or rule situations. But true power comes from a deep understanding, loving and holding quality established in a body that is able to let the soul express it’s ways. By seeing the world as it is, accepting and loving everything and everyone to be – judgement and misuse of power, jealousy and comparison, will no longer be part of our living together.
So true Nicole this line in itself and the understanding that comes with this is gold. I also love what you have added that this is then what supports the development of everyone (not just keeping things as they are) and this can only happen when there isn’t the focus on just individual power and gain.
MAS what a powerful article. I have becoming aware of how much I do control – usually by going into being less than others. I am recognising this pattern and the energetic quality it carries which feels super yuck and serves to keep me locked in this pattern as I feel ashamed of this energy that I have believed is me when it is not so put myself down further.
I know I will come back to re-read this many times as I know I am familiar with control. It’s wonderful to welcome my growing awareness of it so I no longer keep myself captive. Your writing supports me to be more honest and go deeper to see the hooks that I pin myself down with. Thank you.
This is a great blog that highlights the tyranny of control. Those who play timid and small allow the tyrant, controller and supremacist to exist. The only way to stop playing small or trying to control everything is to deal with our hurts as you so beautifully describe MAS.
Yes Elizabeth, playing timid and small creates an energy vacuum that must be filled, usually by who we would call the tyrant. I have experienced this many times and it is horrible for all those involved. I thought I was a victim of this but now I understand I was so irresponsible and all I had to do was stick to the truth.
“Those who play timid and small allow the tyrant, controller and supremacist to exist.” Powerful words Elizabeth indeed, and so true.
I was the perfect person for someone to control and abuse because my need to feel safe and accepted was vast. Of course, I was never safe nor accepted in these type of relationships but that was the illusion. The way I was, well it attracted abuse. And the arrangement was – they abuse and I don’t tell.
Not so much anymore, as you can imagine … my control radar is on fire. 🙂
I love your comment Ariana and it sure does feel like the truth for all of us. You are so right when you say we are so hard and abusive towards ourselves yet we would be shocked if we saw another doing so – how crazy is that when you really stop and think about it! Ah yes “Simply deep and tender love”.
What a top blog and you say so much I can only comment in bits as it is too big and long and requires a few re-reads. Firstly BIG Thanks for this outstanding subject MAS – you sure are addressing a lot here for all of us.
I love how you talk about “payoff” and how we have this hidden agenda in the name of control that is disguised, diluted and not up front in your face.
Something I know, having been controlled by others and done it myself is that it is a choice. It all comes down to choice and this payoff business and it is ugly.
When I was controlling areas of my life it was because I was not open and I was protecting myself from getting hurt. I was deeply hurt and had buried all these hurts and had to find a solution to keep going in life. Ugly but true.
Enter Serge Benhayon and the deep digging naturally came up without much poking around and things are so much more easier and life is flowing. I remain open to ALL to the best of my ability and I no longer have a ‘need’ to control but boy oh boy I can feel it and right now it is in my studying. How controlling is our education systems?
I tell you it is jaw dropping stuff and ugly to say the least.
I guess I have always known but I have never stopped to accept that playing it small is a form of control. Having people feel sorry for you is a form of control. I used to play this card very well. Now that I am accepting myself more and loving myself more I no longer want people to feel sorry for me as I’m not that sad person anymore. Great blog MAS.
‘I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.’ Yes I am completely with you MAS, to know we have a choice to make life simple and true is very powerful and the only way to go and we can come back to this every time we stumble.
It is very exposing what you have written here MAS about how control plays a big, very big part in our world. Even though I have observed this and know this to be the reality we live in, I see I needed this stop moment to let it sink in deeper and make a choice that this is not a game I am willing to play anymore. I love the freedom of not having to be in control and to surrender to life as it is divinely constellated.
I think controlling people through physical threats is one of the most blunt ways of controlling someone. In many respects emotional blackmail is much more effective. It can make you believe you are not performing to the standard you should be. It allows you to doubt your own ability to assess and navigate on our own accord.
It is one of the hardest prisons to release ourselves from because the reason why we are able to be controlled is because we have a belief which blinds us.
I love this sharing and relate to much of what you say here MAS.
“If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life. ”
So true, thank you for the reminder.
Hi Mas, I found your blog very revealing as to the diversity of this thing known as ‘control’. There is much to ponder on and glean from your learned wisdoms that you shared in this expression. Thank you.
I agree Roberta, there is a lot to observe and ponder on when it comes to all the insidious forms control is used by us all. It feels embarrassing to admit my own forms of control since I was young but greater is the freedom I feel when letting go of the control step by step.
What a great topic MAS, very honest too about the undercover ways we also control others pretending to be the reverse of anything overt (overtly controlling that is). Ultimately we use undercover control to assert power from a position of low self-worth. And, as you share about real-power, this comes from a place of self-value and worth to make the following line of yours completely true: “I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself” – and I would add, ‘power or importance independent of anyone or anything else’, in other words independent-power is something for each and every one of us to re-claim, and enjoy.
This is a great exposure of control and the abuse of power through this medium either through what we have inflicted or what we have allowed. Your description of it being like an invisible hand around your throat asking you to submit is as palpable as it is precise… just as your awareness that for it to dissipate requires reconnection and a surrender to the flow, is as beautiful as it is inspirational. An awesome sharing, thank you.
What a transformation MAS, evolving from submissive, hurt, small and compliant to the deep tender love you have for yourself and others.
“If we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life”. I love what you have expressed here; such a powerful message for us all.
Thank you MAS for a truly inspiring blog and one I shall return to again and again. ‘As love became my new foundation, it unleashed a power within, a true power, with absolute responsibility not to harm, nor to play the game of compliance.’ Great sentence which reveals the power love has to end the game of control.
I second that Jane – and yes, it is a great sentence which reveals the power love has to end the game of control.
MAS I am now more able to discern between ‘control and connection’ and the difference is profound. It’s true what you say, once the love within is deepened, ‘then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life’.
I love reading your articles, MAS, you write from the heart, with such openness and clarity, it’s a blessing for all to read.
‘I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.’
Thank you, MAS, I have been at the receiving end of a lot of bullying in my life and it’s so validating to read what you share here. Very inspiring.
Wow, MAS – you have certainly unleashed your power and allowed us to feel the true depths of control that we can use to get through life. It is amazing to see how manipulative and complicated we are and how we use these abuses to get us through life in order to survive. With your loving words I can see that survival is only one option – and that the greater option is to choose love – and to allow the control to dissipate as we surrender and become all that we are. Control may feel powerful in the short term but the true power of love cannot be surpassed.
It’s so true and very understandable that when we feel insecure we want to control things and people around us. We are just trying to keep ourselves safe. But ultimately we create tension and complication. To question why we feel insecure to start with is a good place to start. It’s important to take care and responsibility for ourselves so we do not feel the need to control others.
Incredible MAS. ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life’ this is stunningly expressed; describing how easy it is for us to escape to our minds and make distracting choices to numb our bodies, where we really should be feeling and living from. Control is a biggie, and works in many different ways as you said… there are the controlERS; those who manipulate and compose situations to get what they desire, and the controlEES – people who are comfortable being used to benefit someone in someway (and playing small). It is an issue that definitely needs to be discussed – thank you for starting the conversation!
Thank you for sharing MAS, I totally relate to how you shared that control is also playing the dumb submissive role. So often we can think we are victims of life but by not standing up we are allowing things to go on and so controlling the situation as well even if we do not like it. Great that you showed when you bring things back to connections every relationship changes and deepens. We we get stressed, at least in my case, I tend to watch the clock, rush things, get anxious and all that happens is I never seem to have enough time. Yet when I let time go and focus on what I am doing suddenly it is all done with time to spare. It is quite amazing the difference!
Thank you MAS for sharing this and confirming what I has also been my experience of control. It’s feels like an outside force that we allow it to crush our feelings, it actually contorts the body into moving in a very rigid and controlled manner. Through choosing to connect to my body and it’s feelings that is where control is undone and exposed for the force that it is. Is it any wonder then that these controlling thoughts and movements are void of feelings? it’s always a looming threat of an image of ‘something bad will happen’ but never a feeling.
Absolutely MAS, I would feel sorry for others and control by saying ‘I have big shoulders I will carry that problem so let it go’. This was also to “control others to feel sorry for me, and in that they would not be cruel and then I would feel OK”! We all have our own way of being distracted and distracting others, like the anglerfish that looks like a rock and has a huge mouth with a worm-like appendage dangling in front of it, which lures its prey to just in front of its mouth. This distraction is just like the spirit trying to entice humanity to believe in the false energy of creation or illusion. In this ocean of life we all get distracted by the illusion of creation, until we discover that the bait that is dangled before us does not feed us, but is there to keep us in the illusion. When we all stop and see the illusion for what it is, we will all be able to swim in the ocean and reconnect to the love we are without any distractions. The energy of love is all around us all of the time, so love has to be a choice, and the more we choose love the more we see love, so the more love we magnetically pull.
‘When we all stop and see the illusion for what it is, we will all be able to swim in the ocean and reconnect to the love we are without any distractions.’ Love the way you have described this Greg and here’s to love’s magnetic pull.
This blog has really left me pondering, there are many areas in life where I try to control things, even how my day is going to be the minute I open my eyes or what the classroom is going to look like. In doing so I am making it about me, choosing to not allow, appreciate and live a deeper level of truth, love and connection to people, myself and God. To be honest I have a feeling that every little area of control is going to be shown to me. Just goes to show the absolute power of these blogs and what they offer humanity.
Wow MAS, what a turn around. I love how you have described how control feels at the top of the blog for this is my experience also. I am also full of respect that you have recognised that in order to avoid being controlled you became controlling in your turn and that you recognised the damage this was doing to all those around you and to yourself. Control is an insidious language that as you say we are all familiar with but say nothing about. This blog is awesome in that it is calling out this abuse for what it is very clearly and succinctly. Thank you.
“I am only controlled when I allow myself to be controlled” for all those times I felt that I’ve been controlled this is a great reminder. Thank you once again MAS for such a deeply profound and real account. As you say and something I have also experienced “If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.”
Control blocks a deeper connection to God.
It does, as it comes from the part of us that is not aligned to God, the part of us that is arrogant and thinks that it can wield power to control. Nothing lovely about that!
Yes to all three of your comments Gyl Rae. Control is like a suit of armor and it is virtually impossible to see the person behind this. But as you said MAS, when you drop the control, what opens up is ‘seeing’ behind this behaviour and who they really are.
Control is a way to avoid responsibility.
So true Gyl. Control is a form of abuse to the other person and to yourself. It benefits no-one.
It’s a game that keeps us going around and around in circles never truly seeing it for what it is. Control actually controls us! Until the time comes where we are presented with the opportunity to re-connect to our innermost as Serge Benhayon offered to us.
Absolutely Gyl – control stops us well short of looking at ourselves and our part, the effect we have on others and the lessons we are yet to learn.
This blog has really brought home the damaging effects of control on people and our bodies.
Yes, control is so very damaging to all, as it is not a true way of being with ourselves or others. It suppresses us and keeps us small. It restricts us in so many ways. And it feels AWFUL. There is no Love in control.
Wow MAS, what a power packed and provoking blog this is – totally exposing behaviours that are majorly controlling in themselves – nice, good, playing small, manipulation, being a victim, self abuse etc.
It is beautiful and deeply inspiring how you have made different choices that have brought this behaviour to a stop and the amazing changes that have occurred. There is much to ponder upon here.
“I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live”.
I want to be safe. Thats why I try to control. But it does not really work. So I try harder. But still – it does not really work. So I look back to where I started: ‘want to be safe’. Hmmm. If I ‘want to be safe’ it means I could ‘not be safe’. Maybe thats the first illusion in this scenario. Our hurts are our own creations, designed to hold us where we are instead of coming back to who we truly are and evolve.
This is an incredible blog MAS, one I, and I am sure many people will be able to relate to. Control plays such an evil and dominating game in our lives, yet we are the ones that choose to play it. Reading this I can see control is a comfort, a form of protection, that hurts everybody. As you say there is no love in control.
Yes I agree Gyl, we do choose to play this ‘dominating game’ instead of being honest. We shy away from being more honest, more truthful and more loving when we turn to controlling ways and in this we impose on others. The level of that imposition … well, I feel we would be devastated if we knew the extent of it.
‘Our control imposes on others’ – These are powerful words MAS, yet so true. I felt the imposition you described when I read your words. It’s really damaging and it creates stagnation in the other person’s evolution.
I agree Gyl, control becomes a form of protection and absolute comfort. Hiding behind the wall of a lack of love it becomes a way to manipulate life. Letting go of the angst and allowing love and truth to guide you to releases the body from the tension of living anything less than love.
This sharing very much reminds me of a saying “I wants don’t get” so I used to change the words to suit my controlling ways as ” I wish for” the words may change but the underlying mind set had not. Thank you MAS for ousting out the manipulating games of ‘control’.
The description needs to change the word ‘power to influence or direct’ to ‘force’.
How has mans track record been on controlling anything? Politics, religion and generally mans inhumanity to each other and let us not forget weather and nature. Anything we try to control and then left… will revert back to its original state. This is just part of the natural flow of life. When we ‘Re-Connect’ to ourselves it is the knowing of who we are and the purpose for our existence.
MAS you have made some great points here with regards to controlling and the negative knock on effect this can have at home. You mentioned the situation at work and what stood out for me was the games we play to manipulate a situation to get things to go our way, they may only be very slight but deep down we know what we are doing – we are masters of control and manipulation. There is so much in this blog that it deserves another read or two – many thanks.
Julie, thank you for raising the point that ‘deep down we know what we are doing’ because this is correct.
At the time, a part of me would never have seen playing unintelligent to another at work to get what I wanted as control, but now I do as I feel the energy that it comes with. I did know what I was doing as I would laugh and feel pleased with myself when I out-smarted a Controller or Abuser … it was like an awful payback.
Please know, I am not proud of this, but it is important we be really honest about the true games we play with each other. Now that I have felt the energy that incites this behavior, it has certainly put a stop to this way of behaving. I am sure, we all have our own tale to tell.
Hi MAS, I can definitely relate to having my own fair share of controlling tactics of which I was proud of at the time, and now see them for what they were. Now that I realise that we can in fact feel everything and that nothing is truly hidden from others, it brings in a whole new level of responsibility.
Another doozy from you MAS! What a great subject to look at and dissect, the controllers and the controlees both as bad as each other as nothing is true and from the heart. This blog helped me see the many ways in which I have been both the controller and the controlee,in work and family relationships and I am learning all the time that expression is the key to get out of this jail for free.
Yes Kevmchardy I too know that I move from the role of controller to that of controlee. This is something I’m going to take with me today and observe myself either playing it small or being self-important and report back to myself tonight.
When we allow others to control and bully us we learn to control and bully ourselves in an attempt to not to make waves and the surface may appear calm but underneath there can be turmoil. Presentations by Serge Benhayon have shown me a way to reconnect to the love and power of who I am and to stand up to and not accept the control of others or myself.
This is a great topic to discuss MAS. I find that often I become suspicious of people trying to control me but I then realise it is only me who can allow myself to be controlled – it is always a choice. And if this suspicion is there, it is usually because I have been controlling myself. We think that when we control things we are safe yet this is a mere illusion. As you discuss in your blog MAS, the key is connection and with true connection control disappears.
This is a great exposing of what goes on behind the scenes in certain situations where no one feels free to be who they are but must conform to the control that is presently being expressed, for protection of the one at the expense of the many.
Very true Shami. As I read your comment I pictured a group of work colleagues all feeling they have have to conform to a certain way in order to gain approval and be accepted. If we haven’t nurtured ourselves to know that our true confidence is an inner quality that can be untouched by the outer world and the pressures and challenges that so often come, it’s easy to rock and sway and seek to control situations.
I am starting to feel that what I have always called ‘my power’ within, is not really mine. It doesn’t belong to me, nor I don’t own it. It is something I feel in this body, and access through this body. It is the power that I feel through my connection, which determines my expression that follows in accordance with my true essence – but not something to make ‘me’ powerful, yet makes me appreciate how power-full I truly am. It is so humbling to feel this.
True power is a surrender to all that we naturally are and are a part of, and allowing that divine essence to flow through us IS powerful… quite the opposite to manipulation and control which comes from the lack of our connection.
Beautifully said Victoria, true power is a surrender….. when we are in our true power the divine essences flows through us, that is the only true power, to live by the impulse of the divine.
‘I observed how expressing from the power within was exposing for those who felt secure that our arrangement would never expose the truth. There were times when people appeared uncomfortable, but I was committed to making life about love and about truth and from there everything changed.’ So much in your blog MAS, that unpacks true power and control. I find the above sentences very inspiring and how by committing to the quality of love you broke free from constraining patterns even if it meant upsetting the ‘arrangement’.
These arrangements keep things supposedly ‘safe’ and ‘comfortable’ but when they sit in the line up with Love and Truth, there sinister natures are exposed indeed. The arrangements I accepted to keep people in my life was really supporting abuse, and ONLY when I loved, cared and respected myself enough did I say enough was enough. Not easy to admit, but necessary to admit.
I totally recognise and have subscribed to the controlling behaviour – both obviously outwardly controlling and passive controlling as a way of navigating my own life. It feels so liberating to be able to acknowledge the ill behaviour without identifying with it, and to know that healing that pattern from the very root is always possible, and never too late.
Well said Fumiyo. Being able to acknowledge the ill behaviour without identifying with it is the key … otherwise, we just bury it deeper and live in ignorance. Being open and honest and kind to ourselves is the way forward.
Thank you Fumiyo and Mas, this is what I needed to hear so that I didn’t start beating myself up for my controlling behaviour. It is a behaviour and it can be changed now that I am open and honest about it. I don’t want to live in ignorance or bury anything. I also don’t want to harm others so it is great when we can learn things about our own behaviours and therefore start to make changes.
That is beautiful to be reminded of Fumiyo, it is something that I need to really appreciate that healing is always possible and that God just keeps shining the beams of light regardless of what we will allow ourselves to feel. Such grace, it’s beyond words.
Control disconnects us from the divine flow we can live by when we live from love. Control is an insidious game we play when we choose to not be love and we need the control as a protection and to keep everything in a false order and place to not feel the true flow of life.
Without connection to Love and thus Truth we are bound to seek to control as a means to identify us as omnipotent, individual and master of our destiny – what an illusion that is, a false order as you say Rachel.
Beautiful Helen and so simply said. Without connection to Love and Truth we are left bereft and we seek to satiate that emptiness and make it all about ‘me feeling better’. Enter control to address the need, whereas in connection we know we are part of something much bigger than us but at the same time an enormous and amazing part of it as well. Nothing to control in this, all we simply need to do is to surrender in being part of a divine flow.
Control is definitely a sign that we have disconnected from Love. When we are not connected to God, we flail at life and lack the needed understanding to navigate our way and make true choices. It is little wonder that we clutch to pictures, ideas and so-called safety, seeking to reduce our world to a manageable speck we can contort and control rather than surrendering to all that we are, trusting in God and being open to a Universe of possibilities.
That false order Rachel Andras can look so good though can’t it! We can easily fool ourselves that we are doing all right because everything looks neat and tidy and jobs are being done. Yet without the quality of our movement in each activity it can be the coldest most heartless order and void of love. I have been in many a home that ticks all the boxes but feels awful, better to be real and fragile and a bit messy so we can be honest about whats what than a false order.
Yes agree, control is a form of protection and false security which doesn’t allow us to connect to the true power and divine flow when we simply let love be. Also, going against our natural rhythm is very draining on the body.
The more we think we are in control, the more we are actually not in control at all, as we cannot control. It is all an illusion and keeps us more and more disconnected.
Thank you MAS, you have raised some important issues here – control is insidious in many aspects of our lives and it is great to ponder on how we use it for our own sense of security. I am learning just how much simpler life can be when we let go of control and go with the flow because, when we are connected, the flow is always absolutely perfect for what we need in that moment.
I agree Carmel, control is insidious in many aspects of our lives and we do use it for our own sense of security. Great point to share.
I also feel Carmel and MAS, that “going with the flow” needs to be defined. Whose flow? Those seeking to control us from outside and the the circumstances we find ourselves in, OR letting go of the control we impose on ourselves and go with our own flow — that flow of energy that is coming from our connection with our hearts and souls? Observing all that is going on around us, and not reacting, allows us that choice to go with what we feel is true and honest, and so respond from there. Then the future unfolds “flowingly”!
I’m totally with you Carmel. I am forever trying to control my life, trying to get it perfect, trying to guess the next move. It’s exhausting and frustrating. However like you mentioned, if we connect to ourselves the flow is always absolutely perfect for what we need in that moment.
…yes its like letting go of the control (one knuckle at a time!) and embracing TRUST.
I can so relate to what you’re saying lindellparlour. I’ve also exhausted myself trying to get things just right in my life, so everything lines up perfectly. But, to do this it taking away the natural ‘flow of life’ and to stunt expression. I’ve chosen not to feel or appreciate that this beautiful flow is always bringing a new angle, another way to look at something, another way to do something, allowing growth and a spaciousness. Sometimes a road bump has been very lovingly placed right where I can’t fail to avoid it to allow a stop moment and some learning. I can now feel that to allow control is to pull down the hatches and live a very miserable, stressful and anxious life with my eyes well and truly closed to the absolute wonderment all around.
I relate totally Lindell Parlour it is exhausting to live with this need to perfect everything and want everything to be a certain way to fit a certain picture, I am tired just writing that! It is a tricky one to let go of even if you have experienced a flow of life that supports you much more, to control brings such false safety, yet it feels safe at the time. To surrender to God’s arms should be the most natural thing in the world, that we have subverted this to have a false sense of safety is so crazy.
To surrender to God’s arms. I have been avoiding and refusing to give in to God’s love. To do this would require me to acknowledge the abuse, control and hurt I have created for myself and humanity. Giving into God’s love is exactly where I want to be but I hold myself back – yet another form of control.
I can feel this in my life too, Carmel. Being in control has gained me a lot of recognition in the past- in my family and work environments. In fact I have been praised so many times for getting things done, being the one to turn to – all aspects of control that I have chosen. As I write this I realise that control goes against the natural flow and rhythm of life and is very capping for me and those around me. A great sharing, MAS-Thank you.
I’m with you Carmel… the simplicity and flow that is full of space and grace is immense when we allow ourselves to surrender as opposed to disconnecting, going into fear and apprehension and control which essentially cuts off this flow.
So true Carmel. When we choose ourselves and live with that connection, the flow of life is just as it’s meant to be for us, and, all those around us. Being controlling stops this flow and brings in a rigidity and hardness and says to whoever we are controlling that they are not enough just being who they are.
Go with a flow that is founded on connection to self and on love, right?
Control is only showing us that we are not choosing to live all of us, as it will be exposed when we don’t control the situation. I can feel how it is important to acknowledge that and start to slowly feel what is really going on, and connect to the love for ourself as that is what truly supports us.
Great point Benkt. Control sneakily masks and manipulates the situation to divert the attention away from the lack of love. And most definitely something that needs to be felt as words and actions can be so clever and deceivingly sophisticated.
Totally agree Benkt and Vicky, feeling life brings a whole other level instead of thinking about it. It’s one my most treasured gifts. Feel life and all will be known.
How far we have drifted from our essence to play at controlling another, to compete, suppress, negate and wield abuse when our natural divinity, tenderness and grace would do no harm to another being or life form.
Beautifully said Deborah, control is not a natural by-product of our true make-up. When i go into control, I’ve already toughened and my body actually changes into something that isn’t natural to it (hence the aches and pains) — my shoulders roll in and become tense, my jaw hardens, and all I can eventually feel is my head, I’m no longer actually in my body. It’s all about me surviving having forgotten that I am part of a much much bigger whole that holds me in enormous love — which i can connect to when I actually surrender and let go of control.
Yes, true Katerina. And throughout the pain and discomfort we may physically feel, there is the deep unrest of knowing we have settled for less and harmed another by our loveless choices.
Love does not need to know what is coming its way – it can handle anything that arises. It is without our own love that we come adrift. Life seems unpredictable as a violent sea we are cast upon. And so we reach for the closet tool at hand to feel safe -control. It is a hard one to put down with all of its seemed safety against a wild world. It takes some time to understand that our connection to love is the source of our true power.
Beautiful blog MAS on the aspect of control and that on a personal development level it is actually so different from what the dictionaries gives us as an explanation. To me control is a way to protect my hurts and with that I manipulate the people I am with. And in that I am reducing myself and the others in what we in truth are. And as you say MAS, we actually cannot control anything as life goes its way. Accepting this and choosing fire as my energy to live from is the way to go. In that no control is required as everything that we need at any point of time is then taken care of as we just allow to go with the flow of life.
“There was something so tantalising about power and the chance for recognition, particularly when you have spent a lifetime feeling suppressed. I became arrogant, self-important and demanding. By the time I left the role I was afraid of myself.”
In terms of ‘gaining control’ via a job promotion, these lines say it all. When we subvert ourselves to the imposed might of another, and later are offered the same standing as them and take it, along with all that comes with it, the hideousness of what we have said yes to, is deeply felt. It is how the ‘bullied’ become the ‘bullies’. It is not evolution, even though it may be mascaraed as such. It is simply the opposite end of the same spectrum of love-less-ness that seeks to keep us less by virtue of us subscribing to ideals that would have us believe we are ‘more’ or indeed ‘less’, than another. This is how the might of supremacy with all its tools of coercion, as outlined in the first paragraph of this article, infiltrates our daily lives in an effort to turn us away from our true selves, the love that we are and the equality of all contained therein. Thankyou MAS, for highlighting this so succinctly.
“Ditto” to that Liane, not a word to add, for you have captured it all so perfectly. Suffice to say that there are many forms of control that have power because we are not even aware that they are indeed just that. The child throwing a tantrum, the submissive woman, the “out of control” drug addict. All of these behaviours are infact forms of control, designed to illicit a specific reaction from those around us, and ultimately designed to protect us from getting hurt. And therein lies the ultimate truth about control – it is simply a mechanism designed to keep us safe from an illusionary hurt that has not even yet come into existence.
Well said, Adam. It also feels very individualistic, most certainly not about equality for all.
How true that ‘It is how the ‘bullied’ become the ‘bullies’.’
Supremacy suppresses the true might and power of a person if we allow it until such time that we dare not live the love we are. How insidiously evil an energy that we allow to run rampant by our choice to give up on ourselves and on Love. Such an ill-energy becomes all too familiar in the absence of choosing Love and before we know it can well steer our every thought and action and feed the same ill-expression through us that we have once received at the hand of another. Such dark rule is void of Love and equalness – it pits us one against the other and further from the Love we are. In truth supremacy has no power and surely exists only by virtue of what we each feed and allow. In the face of Love, a wielder of control and abuse is rendered impotent.
I have seen this play out time and time again. Liane you are so right that without love the ‘bullied’ become the ‘bullies’, it is the opposite end of the same spectrum. Now that MAS has made it so clear it exposes the arrogance and the effort we put into avoiding love.
Very true Bernard, “without love the ‘bullied’ become the ‘bullies’…” If you are constantly around a way of being, like a system at work, it can start to creep in and soon enough you are a part of it. I have worked in corporate and government organizations and most have given up and accepted that is the way it is. They give in to the control. When you make it about your truth and calling out what is not true you can own the space you work in.
There is sense of accomplishment we could say with those ‘higher’ positions. We have more say over more of life – and when we have lived in oppression what a tantalising feeling that brings! Boy it can fool us not thinking we have moved on, until we recognise that we are stuck on the flip-side of the same counterfeit coin.
Improvement is not evolution and control is not power, and supremacy rules over nothing but the already oppressed.
Nailed it Rachel “Improvement is not evolution and control is not power, and supremacy rules over nothing but the already oppressed.”
So true – watch out when the bullied become the bullies and think they have made it; as you so rightly point out, the supremacy mindset is still the same, on either side of this divide.
Great comment Liane – exposing the flip side to feeling suppressed and controlled by others when we get to ‘step out’ of that control and immediately start to exert the same level of control – the self fulfilling prophecy that recreates the same behaviour time and again. What a treasure to have someone presenting an alternative!
I remember at school in Y10 (aged 15) having to stay inside in the hall because of rain. There were a few other girls from my year in there but they were bullying the Y7s and telling them to get out. When I told them to stop and that they were being completely unfair they responded by saying this is how they were treated and so thought they had the right to abuse. Likewise in the school system of yesteryear the institutionalised bullying that went on was shocking in its extreme. As the boys passed through the ranks of the school they were encouraged to bully the younger ones in their turn – the less becoming the more. Any boy who was not up for the job was simply not allowed to become a prefect. I am sure that for any boy who said yes to the job the power was tantalising but at the end of the day the hurts at being the bully and the bullied are the same – a deep disconnection from who we are and the pain of the lovelessness we allow.
I agree with you Michelle819. Bullying in school would have to be the cruelest behavior after family abuse. The hurts are extreme and can be a lifetime of pain. I was bullied to the bone to shutdown my sensitivity. How did they know the true power was in my sensitivity?
That’s such a great question to ask Rik. In the present climate school is the antithesis to sensitivity. With its emphasis on control, curriculum and results it does not honour this in a child and to one who is particularly sensitive, this can be brutal especially when bullying on top is allowed to take place.
Yes I can relate to what you say here, Michelle. The hurt continues as a cycle, people say ‘it happened to me when I was that year/age/position, that’s the way it is’ and so on it goes. People then may put it down as tradition. It’s control and abuse, nothing more.
Yes they are, and you can include me in that statistic. This week I emailed my managers how it was not ok about another work colleague. I made it clear to them it was my opinion while not undermining myself. The most awesome and healing thing about this was not only I did not hold back, but the joy of being me and expressing what I felt was incredible. Nothing can touch you when you speak up from your truth with no reaction.
Thank you MAS for a timely insight to control – a behaviour I have also chosen and i can deeply relate to the experiences you share in this article.
Thank you for the call to take responsibility and exposing the control that can be at play in BOTH playing small or by acting from an intention to be noted as greater than others.
Your honesty is refreshing.
Your honesty too is refreshing Susan. This controlling way (and energy) runs through the very core of our existence, in our workplaces, in our families, in our friendships, but is denied vehemently by most. The minute we calculate what we will do and say to get the particular result we want … we have said Yes to controlling energy. Thank you for sharing.
That’s indeed a bitter pill to swallow MAS — we calculate what to do and say because we want a desired outcome very very often. It’s become the behaviour that’s expected and encouraged from young. But what it does is leave us forever feeling not quite enough, not quite fully balanced, because we are always needing something from outside of us, that in truth can never deeply satisfy the real need.
I know I am controlling, I can control myself to a ridiculous degree and I control others also. What’s so evil about this choice is that it’s happening in areas you wouldn’t even think you needed to control. It’s a sneaky behaviour that has a very strong grip. It’s the constant calculation that takes me out.
Love your point MAS its so true. “The minute we calculate what we will do and say to get the particular result we want … we have said Yes to controlling energy”. Everything becomes complex when a simple truth could put it ‘all to bed’.
What a fantastic exposure of our addiction to control, thankyou MAS. When we choose to hand over the reins that we have been gripping for dear life, to a force far greater than what our tiny ‘selves’ can muster, we allow ourselves to dissolve into a greater way of being. One that is not impulsed by sensing a lack in ourselves that needs to be filled but rather, one that inspires us to be the All that we are, in the all that we do. This force is Love and it is our ability to ‘surrender to the flow of life’ that opens the gates to this Heavenly kingdom within. Once bathed in this light, space opens and the antics of the ‘little self’ are seen for what they are – decoys put in place to stop us living the very big and very real us. Re-connection is most certainly the key. It is the one we have been holding all along.
Well summed up Liane Mandalis! The full story captured from your heart. I love the line “When we choose to hand over the reins that we have been gripping for dear life, to a force far greater than what our tiny ‘selves’ can muster, we allow ourselves to dissolve into a greater way of being”. Its true why try and control your life when the outcome is a lesser version of you anyhow.
We are really missing ourselves when we are not connected to who we are, to the true essence we long to express from. Without true connection to ourselves we are empty, life itself feels out of control, no wonder we then go into control. Control is just another ugly energy we fill our lives with when we desperately miss ourselves. We know control is not us. There’s no surprise we have terms like “control freak” – we can feel it’s not a natural, ordered state of being or expression. Our true essence of love is so beautiful. It has no need for anything to happen, it allows life and people to be. Love is complete unto itself.
Beautifully expressed Melinda and so true. The moment we feel the emptiness and the control has entered we have disconnected to the love.
So true Melinda, I know for myself the times I go into control are when I have disconnected from myself – when I abandon who I am control takes over and I feel a harshness come in. As MAS exposes it reveals a need to go deeper to take true responsibility for our choices and to know that control can’t come in when we connect to the flow of life and reconnect to who we truly are.