The Need to Control vs Self-responsibility

Lately I am noticing that when there is something that needs to be resolved and I don’t feel in control of the outcome, I start to harden in my body and become stressed.

Let’s use the example of my study at the moment. Of course there are questions that need to be answered and frustration can arise if I can’t source the answer to a question: I begin to feel anxious and start blaming the study for being responsible for my anxiety because I have a feeling of not being in control of the outcome that I want, which is to find the answer.

But if I am more honest, I can feel within me the tension that I am wanting to finish this question because in my mind, when I answer this question, I can go onto the next question and there is a sense of achievement and recognition from that.

But in doing it this way, there is no focus on my quality of be-ing whatsoever and I have taken myself away from feeling my body, and so I lose all sense of what my body may need or is communicating to me. My drive is just to finish the task but I don’t like how my body is feeling while I am having this thought: my right shoulder is up, I’m even holding my breath, I feel a hardness inside and I feel that my body is using a lot of effort to achieve this because of my intention to just get the task done.

So in actual fact, my whole body has been affected and influenced by my choice to force and control just to get a job/task done, with no consideration for the naturally loving rhythm that my body was in before this occurred.

And then came an ‘aha’ moment when I realised this situation is not asking me to change myself at all, nor is it asking me to go into anxiety: that is my choice. All the task is asking of me is to find the answer, nothing more, nothing less, so why allow my mind and its antics to dictate how I am going to feel in this situation?

With this revelation, there is a knowing that it is absolutely my choice to choose to go into tension or not.

As Eleanor Roosevelt has been quoted as saying, “No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” These words are so true, as nothing has to change within me; I can still stay with myself, feel how lovely I am in my body and do what needs to be done from that steadiness.

If I choose to blame the situation or thing, I am only doing this because that deflects away from the fact that I don’t wish to feel that I haven’t taken full responsibility for my feelings and am thus using the situation as the reason for my tension.

This type of reaction/deflection has been my default choice of behaviour for most of my life and it has been a very disempowering, very uncomfortable and unloving choice to make. What I am talking about here is twofold: there is my need for control and a lack of self-responsibility.

My whole theory around control is that I will feel safer if I am in control of a situation or thing, but this is an absolutely ridiculous expectation and leaves no room for me just being me in my preciousness and love.

The problem with the ‘needing to control’ theory is that I have to constantly control as much as I can in order to feel any sort of achievement or okayness, but that state is very short-lived and it needs to be constantly fed.

This need to control is something that I convince myself I have to do and that is not actually a truth – it is a pressure that I choose to place onto myself to divert me from the fact that I am not choosing loving self-responsibility in that moment. So if I break it all down, in choosing to want to control, I’m placing my body in an unnatural configuration that makes it work harder and feels quite uncomfortable.

If I don’t need to control, but breathe my own breath and stay with what is being asked of me (and don’t label it as right or wrong, good or bad, or make it into something difficult or complicated), my body can be left to just support me, naturally so, in an order that it knows right down to the tiniest cell, without complications or tension.

Really my job is to keep my body in a constant balance and my body naturally knows how to do this if I have built a consistent steadiness within me. Then when something comes along, I can just come from that natural steadiness inside of me and then my own stillness can hold me so beautifully right through the whole process of finding an answer in any situation whatsoever.

In not labelling it, I am choosing to be fully responsible for myself in that moment and then it is just something that I need to complete and I don’t need to judge it in any way.

Through this whole learning and unfolding of responsibility and where I sit within it, I can say in all absoluteness I am so much more than my mind will allow me to know and my responsibility is to own this truth and live it as completely as I can in any given moment.

Now that I am choosing to step up in my self-responsibility and claiming more and more my part in situations, I can feel the huge difference in my body and how spacious it feels to claim myself back from the thoughts that will take me down the blaming path and away from my own wise, inner counsel. Now at those times when I can feel myself wanting to blame, I remind myself what is really being asked of me here, and keep it really simple and honouring of my body and its true function.

My body is here to support me through my life and to keep me functioning beautifully for the purpose I was made for, and that is to bring love to humanity. When I let go of control and surrender, what transpires is the most beautiful dance and flow within me that feels spacious, alive and full of love; a love that only knows how to be itself.

It is not that big a deal as I’m not letting go as in giving up; I am actually surrendering to my own grandness and wisdom and saying I am confirming myself as absolute right here and now, so I just let go and let that unfold.

There’s no need for any picture of how that might look like, just a choice to stay with my body, breathe my breath and allow my innate, deep wisdom to guide me. My body is my love barometer and my greatest guide, so if I take all of me to everything that I do (no perfection of course), then everyone gets a woman who is the real me as absolute love in motion.

With deepest gratitude and appreciation for Serge Benhayon as it is through him that I am coming to know my true self every day and feel truly inspired to be that graceful reflection.

I also appreciate the stillness that holds me so beautifully right through the whole process of returning to the truth that I am, as it is my eternal true anchor and guide.

By Julie Chung, Facilitator of my own life, love, and absolute joy

Further Reading:
Energetic Integrity And Energetic Responsibility
First Time Mum: Realising Control is Just Too Much Hard Work
What Are We Really In Control Of?
Control or Connection: It’s a Choice

1,285 thoughts on “The Need to Control vs Self-responsibility

  1. Love the honesty and openness in this blog. I would say that if there was no one with control or self-responsibility issues in this world we would be living in a very very different, but equally loving and super holding society.

  2. Thank you for sharing your ‘aha’ moment Julie, what a great realisation to feel and understand how and why our body reacts when we choose to go into our mind to control, fix or find a solution to something instead of feeling and reading what is true from connecting to the inner wisdom within our body.

  3. We make it so much harder for ourselves when we hold a picture or are rigid in our approach to doing something and the body is the first indicator of what we are holding onto at that moment. Giving ourselves a moment to stop and feel the space that is all around us, reminds us to give ourselves space within what we are doing and feel that we are totally supported by that space because it is full of love, and has everything we need.

    1. There is immense wisdom isn’t there in letting go? The body loves the release from the tension and contraction control brings, and letting go creates space for us to actually see our situations more clearly. I feel the first step for me is to accept life exactly as it is and then move from there to reading, understanding and letting go. The pictures and expectations I have seem to get in the way of understanding what’s truly playing out. On the surface it may look one way (that’s what I often don’t accept) but energetically something quite different is actually happening.

  4. The following lines made so much sense after the choices I made this week, leaving myself behind and chose anxiousness instead which ended up in having a headache and a sore body for some days; ‘If I choose to blame the situation or thing, I am only doing this because that deflects away from the fact that I don’t wish to feel that I haven’t taken full responsibility for my feelings and am thus using the situation as the reason for my tension.’ Thank you Julie this is exactly what I did and needed to read.

  5. How gorgeous to move through life from a place of deep surrender to your innate grandness, letting the deep wisdom within be your guide… from here you can never go wrong.

  6. ” My body is my love barometer…” – I really like this line; it brings it back to the simplicity our body presents to us, showing us the consequences of our choices that are either of love or not and by that reflection supporting us to deepen the quality of our next choices.

  7. It is so easy to feel being the victim to a situation or the behaviour of someone; there is usually a plausible explanation or story why we react emotionally in one way or another and we more or less expect others to understand and see it the same way. Basically we justify that we react. But reaction is not mandatory, it is a choice even when it happens in just a split second, or so it seems in the situation. When we change our general way of being, develop the capacity to stay centred within ourselves (no perfection required), increase love and understanding… we will find that we react less to triggers that in the past made us simply snap. How we approach and deal with life is in our hands, we are no victims.

  8. It truly is amazing when we choose to tune into our bodies as the body just goes along doing its thing and keeping us functioning, even when we are quite harsh and disregarding with it, it really does have our best interests at heart. Not so for the conniving and arrogant mind, always wanting to be one step ahead of the body, like it is its superior and wants to have its way. Lucky for us, we feel the tension building or the pain, then this brings a stop moment for us to be honest and ask ourselves, what choice am I making here?

  9. We do have an inbuilt myth that we think we feel safer when we try to control things around us or even people. But it is actually the exact opposite, when we control, we are actually saying no to being open to people and taking responsibility for our own actions.

  10. In a recent session with a Universal Medicine practitioner I felt what you described Julie, the control is very mind based and does create a tension in the body. Whereas in the brief moments I chose to be with my body there was feelings of nothing but absolute stillness and a deep heat from within me. However I chose to not remain in that warmth and instead stay in my mind and the controlling tension. Giving myself a hard time and being critical on myself takes me further away from self-responsibility and any opportunity to understand why I’ve chosen this. Reading this blog was a great reminder that these choices are not ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and understanding them need not be complicated but very simple. Thank you.

  11. Yes definitely worth catching those moments where our minds jump ahead of where we are at, and ask ‘what am I trying to avoid feeling in this moment?’

  12. Being in control does not let any space for the body to speak and by doing that we actually are ignoring the divine intelligence our bodies are connected with and prefer to connect to the intelligence of the arrogant mind.

  13. I can feel how a current limiting thought on a particular situation is controlling how I feel. While I might not know how to deal with ‘it’ I can choose to come back to my body and simply appreciate being with me.

  14. This need to be in control gets out of control sometimes, I noticed this when the GPS I was using kept sending me in a direction other than the one I wanted to go in and I found the whole experience frustrating and I felt out of control because I had no idea where I was going without the GPS ‘s guidance. Feeling out of control driving along roads with a huge amount of traffic built up a lot of stress quickly my body so I went in the direction I felt was right and eventually the GPS caught up with me and agreed. However there were times when it disagreed and I had to turn around when possible. It was a huge lesson in patience for me, that I would eventually get to where I was meant to be at some point and to let go of the want or need to be on time. Luckily I always give me self plenty of space to get to where I was meant to be earlier than needed.

  15. I can totally relate to the dramas we go into in our head when I am not able to accept and read what is happening and feeling betrayed by the situation. It’s amazing what and how we think we know should happen and launch into a battle when this is challenged.

  16. A great line Julie “My body is here to support me through my life and to keep me functioning beautifully for the purpose I was made for, and that is to bring love to humanity.” I appreciate the simplicity this line brings to life, thank you Julie.

  17. I can relate to the first sentence of your blog this morning. I am in a tizzy about wanting to control something that is out of my control. A total distraction that is causing me stress. So timely that I have read your blog this morning. I think I might just go for a walk and focus on what I can control – me.

  18. Great to read this Julie, as I have just started a new job and can feel the tension in my body of wanting to go faster than I would naturally, and wanting to control things but at the same time there is a sense that it doesn’t have to be that way. Thank you for the reminder.

  19. The fact that we have a choice to react in various ways is very obvious when you get a group of people together, such as in a workplace. When there is an unexpected change, there are a wide variety of responses. Some get angry and start to blame, some fear for their security, some roll up their sleeves and make the most of it. Knowing that we don’t have to go into our usual autopilot reactions is very liberating and also hands the responsibility of how things turn out back to us. We can’t control life but we can choose how we are in every situation.

  20. It is important what you have raised here about not labelling how we feel. This is a form of judgment where out certain messages from the body in the unwanted, wrong and unwelcome basket and others in the desirable, right and welcome basket. This labelling sets up a hostile relationship with our body when it is trying to communicate that something isn’t right. If we react and judge a feeling like pain, it only makes things worse. It shuts down what the body is trying to tell us to restore and expand again. Really its like slamming the door in someone’s face who brings ‘bad news’. They are still standing outside; the news still exists and won’t go away. We just try to pretend that it doesn’t exist. This pattern we have is reflected in the ever growing, preventable, life-style illnesses.

  21. This article reminds me of the simpleness of life, if we choose to no longer ‘try’ to control it. I for one know that all the trying in the world never found me lasting control, just more angst.

  22. The truly paradoxical thing is that by making the choice to focus on the moment and stay with my body I actually have control. Not of another, a situation or an outcome, but of my choices.

  23. This is an absolutely excellent blog. When needing to control, a moment never resolves itself, but with no attachment, a potential is always there.

  24. It has been my observation that we go into control the moment we lose connection with ourselves and thus the greater whole that we are a part of. Losing connection in this way, which is not a true loss but more so a series of choices that lead to a gradual withdrawal from our true self, means that we have the sensation of ‘free-falling’ in the sense that we feel like we have lost our anchor. Naturally, in this state, we reach out and try to stop the sensation by any means we can and if we do not seek a thought, word or action that helps re-establish this connection, we will instead seek a thought, word or action that seeks to control the situation in order to make us feel secure again. However, without true connection, there can be no true security and thus why the control that we reach for does not alleviate the root of our suffering.

  25. We try and control things to avoid other people’s reactions. From there a whole host of behavious occurs and the only way to stop the reaction is to be understanding to the situation and read what is going on for the person. That way we will not take things personally.

  26. There really is nothing like our own self love flooding every cell in our bodies and firing them up to then inspire another equal divine being who just needs exactly your expression to help them shine forth even more. And so on it goes, beautifully so.

  27. A truly beautiful revelation that you share: ” when I let go of control and surrender my body comes alive with the most magical flow and beauty”. Hear hear, I love this understanding of how much more love we can bring by so doing.

  28. When we start to get an understanding that we are vehicles of expression and it is how our bodies are prepared for this great responsibility that we then see, it is all about our movements and living choices that decide what the end result will be and how much we either contribute to supporting or hindering evolution of the whole.

  29. “There’s no need for any picture of how that might look like, just a choice to stay with my body, breathe my breath and allow my innate, deep wisdom to guide me.” – and the minute there is a picture, this takes us away from ourselves.

  30. This is deeply insight-full into the level of stress we create by default when we think we need to control a situation because otherwise, things are not going to work out or we will get into trouble, run late, etc. etc. There are always a myriad of excuses and these emotions run our body until such time that we address their root cause.

  31. We realise life is a living thing, what you put in you get out and so getting to know yourself and your body is well worth it as your body is in everything you do, every thought and action. So if at any point you react to something and your body tenses up, what is truly going on? Or if you are constantly walking around in tension and so there is just different levels of the same thing, what is going on? Why would we tense up? Let’s look at tension, usually we tense up to brace ourselves against something that’s coming or something we are seeing or feeling which then means you can’t fully feel what it is or you don’t fully see what it is. If life is about the quality you feel and not what you do then the aim or dedication is to feeling. In this way it’s not about not reacting or having tension, that’s impossible I would think but more about catching the feeling of the reaction or tension, allowing it to settle and feeling everything you see in front of you. The only way to be able to call on this is to live it with everything and so if you are looking for an answer to something or pushing to finish something, feel the tension if it’s there and look at life bigger as at that point we don’t know how many times we have been in this situation before and not allowed the feeling or awareness to sink in. There are little moments within your day to catch or stop and check in with how you are feeling. Driving, feel your body, walking, feel your body and just keep breathing and allowing yourself to settle. The more you check in the less time you will be check out and so when the tension or a reaction knocks you may answer but soon after close the door and settle. You are what you live and so if you want things to change, live the change first and allow the world to come to you.

  32. I have found that living in constant appreciation of my beingness has allowed me to let go of the control in ways I never thought possible, making it a lot easier to surrender and trust that as long as I commit to constantly hold that quality in my movements everything is giving to me in the divine flow of the universe.

  33. “Now that I am choosing to step up in my self-responsibility and claiming more and more my part in situations, I can feel the huge difference in my body and how spacious it feels to claim myself back from the thoughts that will take me down the blaming path and away from my own wise, inner counsel. Now at those times when I can feel myself wanting to blame, I remind myself what is really being asked of me here, and keep it really simple and honouring of my body and its true function.” I agree I do feel so much more inspired by the spaciousness in my own body- its much easier to be responsible when feeling the spaciousness – these two factors seem to support each other and the opposite is also true- when i choose to be irresponsible I also feel the lack of spaciousness too and in the denseness I cant find my way.

  34. We work based on programs of our own creation. We have a routine of how we go about life that is silent but inexorable. We may not be aware of it, but it is there. And, it has a lot of power over us. The good news is that once we pick it up and realize this, we can say yes or not to it.

  35. Labelling things we’ve done or not done, said or not said, as right or wrong, good or bad, keeps our perspective on the smallness of the issue rather than seeing the bigger picture. When we appreciate that every moment is an opportunity to learn, life feels expansive and endless in its bounty.

  36. Thanks Julie this was a beautiful blog to read, I also used to live with a lot of control and I have been letting this go over time and I have felt the difference in my body change to feeling much lighter, more joy and tenderness and more simplicity in my life – I realised living with control is very exhausting as you are always trying to fit life into a certain picture or outcome instead of being part of the flow and magic life can always be offering us.

  37. The hardening of our bodies is a clear message that we have invested in something that is outside our control and a reminder, to instead be honest let it go and appreciate what has been given to us in order to maximize and surrender to more of what we truly deserve.

  38. The flow of life naturally becomes far more simple the more consistently we are connected with ourselves and move in sync with our body’s natural rhythm.

  39. “Control” or having control ‘issues’ really does have far reaching and on-going affects on us all both physiologically and mentally, it is so worth taking the opportunity to address these old paradigms, and to start to let go.

  40. How simple is the key to live and appreciate life in full – to choose connection with our bodies always, and not give over to any external situation as being more important, valuable or urgent.

  41. This is a great article for bringing awareness to the habit of multi-tasking. What’s more supportive – saving 10 seconds or the quality of what it is I’m attending to?

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