The Need to Control vs Self-responsibility

Lately I am noticing that when there is something that needs to be resolved and I don’t feel in control of the outcome, I start to harden in my body and become stressed.

Let’s use the example of my study at the moment. Of course there are questions that need to be answered and frustration can arise if I can’t source the answer to a question: I begin to feel anxious and start blaming the study for being responsible for my anxiety because I have a feeling of not being in control of the outcome that I want, which is to find the answer.

But if I am more honest, I can feel within me the tension that I am wanting to finish this question because in my mind, when I answer this question, I can go onto the next question and there is a sense of achievement and recognition from that.

But in doing it this way, there is no focus on my quality of be-ing whatsoever and I have taken myself away from feeling my body, and so I lose all sense of what my body may need or is communicating to me. My drive is just to finish the task but I don’t like how my body is feeling while I am having this thought: my right shoulder is up, I’m even holding my breath, I feel a hardness inside and I feel that my body is using a lot of effort to achieve this because of my intention to just get the task done.

So in actual fact, my whole body has been affected and influenced by my choice to force and control just to get a job/task done, with no consideration for the naturally loving rhythm that my body was in before this occurred.

And then came an ‘aha’ moment when I realised this situation is not asking me to change myself at all, nor is it asking me to go into anxiety: that is my choice. All the task is asking of me is to find the answer, nothing more, nothing less, so why allow my mind and its antics to dictate how I am going to feel in this situation?

With this revelation, there is a knowing that it is absolutely my choice to choose to go into tension or not.

As Eleanor Roosevelt has been quoted as saying, “No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” These words are so true, as nothing has to change within me; I can still stay with myself, feel how lovely I am in my body and do what needs to be done from that steadiness.

If I choose to blame the situation or thing, I am only doing this because that deflects away from the fact that I don’t wish to feel that I haven’t taken full responsibility for my feelings and am thus using the situation as the reason for my tension.

This type of reaction/deflection has been my default choice of behaviour for most of my life and it has been a very disempowering, very uncomfortable and unloving choice to make. What I am talking about here is twofold: there is my need for control and a lack of self-responsibility.

My whole theory around control is that I will feel safer if I am in control of a situation or thing, but this is an absolutely ridiculous expectation and leaves no room for me just being me in my preciousness and love.

The problem with the ‘needing to control’ theory is that I have to constantly control as much as I can in order to feel any sort of achievement or okayness, but that state is very short-lived and it needs to be constantly fed.

This need to control is something that I convince myself I have to do and that is not actually a truth – it is a pressure that I choose to place onto myself to divert me from the fact that I am not choosing loving self-responsibility in that moment. So if I break it all down, in choosing to want to control, I’m placing my body in an unnatural configuration that makes it work harder and feels quite uncomfortable.

If I don’t need to control, but breathe my own breath and stay with what is being asked of me (and don’t label it as right or wrong, good or bad, or make it into something difficult or complicated), my body can be left to just support me, naturally so, in an order that it knows right down to the tiniest cell, without complications or tension.

Really my job is to keep my body in a constant balance and my body naturally knows how to do this if I have built a consistent steadiness within me. Then when something comes along, I can just come from that natural steadiness inside of me and then my own stillness can hold me so beautifully right through the whole process of finding an answer in any situation whatsoever.

In not labelling it, I am choosing to be fully responsible for myself in that moment and then it is just something that I need to complete and I don’t need to judge it in any way.

Through this whole learning and unfolding of responsibility and where I sit within it, I can say in all absoluteness I am so much more than my mind will allow me to know and my responsibility is to own this truth and live it as completely as I can in any given moment.

Now that I am choosing to step up in my self-responsibility and claiming more and more my part in situations, I can feel the huge difference in my body and how spacious it feels to claim myself back from the thoughts that will take me down the blaming path and away from my own wise, inner counsel. Now at those times when I can feel myself wanting to blame, I remind myself what is really being asked of me here, and keep it really simple and honouring of my body and its true function.

My body is here to support me through my life and to keep me functioning beautifully for the purpose I was made for, and that is to bring love to humanity. When I let go of control and surrender, what transpires is the most beautiful dance and flow within me that feels spacious, alive and full of love; a love that only knows how to be itself.

It is not that big a deal as I’m not letting go as in giving up; I am actually surrendering to my own grandness and wisdom and saying I am confirming myself as absolute right here and now, so I just let go and let that unfold.

There’s no need for any picture of how that might look like, just a choice to stay with my body, breathe my breath and allow my innate, deep wisdom to guide me. My body is my love barometer and my greatest guide, so if I take all of me to everything that I do (no perfection of course), then everyone gets a woman who is the real me as absolute love in motion.

With deepest gratitude and appreciation for Serge Benhayon as it is through him that I am coming to know my true self every day and feel truly inspired to be that graceful reflection.

I also appreciate the stillness that holds me so beautifully right through the whole process of returning to the truth that I am, as it is my eternal true anchor and guide.

By Julie Chung, Facilitator of my own life, love, and absolute joy

Further Reading:
Energetic Integrity And Energetic Responsibility
First Time Mum: Realising Control is Just Too Much Hard Work
What Are We Really In Control Of?
Control or Connection: It’s a Choice

1,373 thoughts on “The Need to Control vs Self-responsibility

  1. When get anxious, with complications and tension could it be we are actually going into self judgement and comparison and thus lessening who we are by loosing our connection to our essences?

  2. I misread “I don’t need to judge it in any way.” as ‘I don’t need to judge it and get in the way’. Which equally works as that part that wants control and complication has had the spotlight for far too long. Whereas the grandness within doesn’t make a song and dance about anything because everything it does feels lovely.

    1. And comes with the ensuing appreciation of our essences. Thus when we are living with the authority and confirmation of that connection to our essence we live with a purpose.

  3. I love that you started this blog with a situation about answering a question for study and what you noticed is the anxiety came when you just wanted to move on from the questions you didn’t know how to answer as this is so relatable to how we deal with moments of unknowns. I have found it is the arrogance of my intelligence that wants to know all the answers and feels less if I don’t, but the more I let go of that need to know it all, the more the answers to the issues or questions in front of me are there.

  4. “my body naturally knows how to do this if I have built a consistent steadiness within me.” We can get so cross with ourselves for not handling a situation well but if we have not walked that way before the crucial moment, how can we expect ourselves to be steady or handle the supposed ‘onslaught’?

  5. “My whole theory around control is that I will feel safer if I am in control of a situation or thing, but this is an absolutely ridiculous expectation and leaves no room for me just being me in my preciousness and love.” You’ve reminded me that simply being me allows me to respond to whatever comes my way, and I don’t need to know what those things are. Being me takes care of everything.

  6. “My whole theory around control is that I will feel safer if I am in control of a situation or thing, but this is an absolutely ridiculous expectation and leaves no room for me just being me in my preciousness and love.” It’s a great point Julie that when we project what we think we need onto an outside situation, onto an outcome, we give our power to something we can’t actually control and nor can it deliver what we think we need no matter how enticing the picture is of what it might give us, simply because there is nothing greater than the stillness, truth, love and joy within ourselves.

  7. “As Eleanor Roosevelt has been quoted as saying, “No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This phrase made me realise how many times in the past I have actually felt inferior because I made the choice to believe that it was true when deep down I know it not to be true at all.

  8. Putting pressure on ourselves to ‘get’ something or finish a task we are under the straight-jacket of time instead of giving ourselves space to be who we are.

  9. “No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Amen 🙌 could it be not that someone else is in control of our sense of worth but that we are in full jurisdiction of how we feel and our own sense of worth – and that we can never actually blame another person for what we choose.

  10. We know so much more than we allow ourselves to feel or know, the more we surrender and feel the stillness from within, the easier it is to access the wisdom we hold within.

  11. I’ve been reflecting on how this need to control occurs in my relationships. I feel frustrated and get a headache when people don’t do what I want them to. I hold a picture I demand they live up to but in holding such an expectation I have to bend myself out of shape, act differently to how I feel to truly and impose my expectations onto others. It’s horrible.

  12. There is much to be understood about the body that we currently are unaware of. That is why I greatly appreciate the teachings of Serge Benhayon. He puts the body into the picture and changes it from a thing in life we walk around in, to the vehicle of our soul.

  13. Julie thank you for these words they were just wanted I needed to read this morning
    “There’s no need for any picture of how that might look like, just a choice to stay with my body, breathe my breath and allow my innate, deep wisdom to guide me. My body is my love barometer and my greatest guide, so if I take all of me to everything that I do (no perfection of course), then everyone gets a woman who is the real me as absolute love in motion.”
    Re learning to trust my innate ability to know what is going all the time I don’t have to call it but just observe and claim my knowing.

    1. We live in such a degrading and dismissive society, a society that doesn’t recognise the absolute beauty of each person’s essence, a society where we are reduced to function, appearance, qualifications, etc, so it’s no wonder we don’t realise what we have inside of us and that it’s the answer to all of life’s big questions and dilemmas.

  14. I can very much relate to this, and control for me is very much tied in with a desire of ownership, and our body is so brilliant at alerting this disharmony, or even a dis-ease, as it knows it self as a vehicle of expression and there’s nothing for it to own.

  15. To believe one can be ‘in control’ is an illusion and is a false and draining security as one constantly has to constantly adapt to the ever-changing choices as nothing is permanent.

  16. Seeing our responsibility within situations takes away the pressure and constriction of defending ourselves, being right, being victim etc. It is very empowering when I do that because I can see my choices that led there and the choices that I can make thereafter.

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