Sometimes I am aware of how much I doubt myself. It is definitely not there all the time, but then something happens and it is like a tsunami of doubt enters my mind. I start to doubt my decisions, my choices and second-guess everything I have done. As it sounds, it is actually very exhausting!
So I ask myself, why do I doubt me? Why has this doubt been allowed to enter?
Well, the first answer that rushes in is that “You weren’t being present, so you made that choice without really feeling what was needed.” This answer can sometimes take me to the doldrums of guilt and self-abuse. Yep, this just compounds the problem, making me feel even worse and more exhausted!
Then enters the voice of reason that makes a story out of anything and everything. This includes lots of complicated excuses and justifications to sort out the problem that was seemingly created, although it wasn’t really a problem in the first place. Phew, yep, still exhausted.
By this point, I am so tired and actually wondering what happened to me. This is the aftermath of the tsunami of doubt.
Then I remember to take a moment to stop, feel my body, feel my breath and most importantly, appreciate how amazingly beautiful I am. It helps if I am in front of the mirror because I can actually take a moment to look at myself and appreciate the sparkle in my eyes and see the beauty that I am feeling.
If I get stuck on the fact that I made a ‘wrong choice’, I am taken out by the tsunami. But when I accept that each choice provides me with an opportunity for learning and developing then I can feel a deeper acceptance of myself. I am not perfect and making mistakes is a part of that, in that each mistake is an opportunity for learning.
Moreover, one person’s weaknesses are another’s strengths, so together we are each an important piece of the whole of humanity and if we appreciate each other we can work together in brotherhood without judgment or criticism.
I may do and say things that feel yucky sometimes, but all I have to do is feel without judgment how each choice affects my body and not go into the story of feeling bad or guilty about having made that choice.
I hold the responsibility for feeling the effects of each choice and learning from it. In this way there is never a right or wrong; there is only learning.
By deeply appreciating who I am and the fact that all that I am blessed with in life is the result of my choices, I realise there is nothing to doubt and nothing to give myself a hard time about. There is just more to celebrate.
By Simone Lewis, BSc BTeach