A few days ago I woke up feeling very light, rejuvenated and relaxed… and it was only 2am. I realised that this was exactly the same feeling that I had gone to bed with the day before. I had not specifically done things differently, but had simply been very honest with myself, letting myself not be guided by my thoughts or knowledge, but by what I was feeling.
Well, I have to say that in fact I always knew what would have been a wise choice for the next steps in my life, but have often let myself be guided by anxiety or by the wish to avoid things which seemed challenging or difficult to me so I have walked a different path. These paths never carried me off track totally but looking back, some proved to be quite a detour.
Whenever there was a decision to be made, there was at first a clear feeling deep inside of me about what to do, but then I would let a spiral of thoughts kick in, pretending that I was evaluating and analysing the situation from every angle. In truth, I was just constructing arguments to defend against the world and myself, something that had already been decided long ago.
Only since the last few days has it become really obvious to me that we have exactly one chance to make a decision, and that chance is the moment we meet a question or situation for the first time. Here we can either say “yes” or “no”.
As soon as we start thinking, checking or evaluating, we have already said “no” – though this will not mean that we will not meet this situation again in a similar or different form – especially if it is something very profound for us to learn.
The difference is, that if we are prepared to choose instantly, it will be with ease, and then naturally the next choice will present itself. Anything other than choosing in that moment means we are simply delaying ourselves.
Such decisions can only come from honesty and self-love. As honesty and self-love are not something we just leave sitting in a drawer waiting for the next moment we may need them, the most loving choice is to implement them into our daily rhythm and apply them to all the small moments that make up our lives.
Once implemented, this love for ourselves will support us in holding ourselves in the more difficult moments in our lives and will set us free to stay independent of what others might expect us to do. The fascinating aspect about this process of making choices is that nothing is exactly the same and it all unfolds from one moment to the next – depending on how and what we have chosen before.
For example, in one moment it can be better to eat something that I feel I am craving, although I know that it is not really good for me. This is loving in so far as the enormous amount of tension and hardness I would have to bring to my body to not eat it would be even worse. On the one hand it is more loving to not beat ourselves up for not being perfect, yet at the same time being prepared to look at why there has been this food craving in the first place, and start working on that. Then there are other moments, where saying “no” if some part inside me wants to just gulp down more and more food is much more supportive than giving in to the craving; these are usually the moments where I only want to eat to not feel what is there to be felt.
Very often what we want to avoid is the pain of old hurts. Avoiding them means that we will not have to be honest and take the necessary steps to heal them – steps that might often seem quite big and uncomfortable at first. Saying clearly “no” in these situations has helped me to really feel the pain that had previously been buried inside of me for quite some time, and from there begin to heal it.
My findings from the last 1½ years of honest observation:
- The more difficult doing something feels to me, or the more challenging someone seems to be, the more there is for me to discover; usually something that is sitting deep within which I am resisting looking at because I don’t want to know what I could learn from this person or situation.
- If I choose honesty, those seemingly huge tensions usually just fade away and something deep inside begins healing very simply and profoundly.
- The choice for honesty and letting go of my comfort has brought stillness and simplicity to my life again. It has let me shine again with the same beauty and ease that I can well remember from my early childhood.
- I have met many moments where I felt that the world would explode if I chose to go with what I felt and to express it, only to realise that instead of an explosion there was usually nothing but total relaxation.
Honesty creates space and frees us from the need to play a role.
The world is as simple as we felt it was when we were children, just living every moment in the day, not experiencing anxiety about our lives or our future: a time when joy was as natural to us as breathing in and out.
The world is a wonderful playground to discover ourselves playfully, nurture ourselves and evolve; a place where we can joyfully connect with ourselves and others, to discover even more together and constantly grow.
Honesty, Self-love, Truth and Beauty – such a joy to have chosen them again.
By Michael Kremer, Personal Assistant, Buchholz, Germany