Nervousness and Anxiety – A Scared Little Boy

Nervousness and anxiety have been my all too often companions. For most of my life I have been a nervous, anxious person, though not on the surface, as I learnt to disguise it quite well… or so I thought.

I lived as a scared little boy for many years. Not all the time, just at certain times: always doing things to please other people, looking for recognition, not doing things because I was scared of being wrong or shown to be less.

This way of living was very detrimental to my health and wellbeing. Anxiety would cause nausea, tiredness and feelings of not being good enough, always doubting myself, going to the point of self-loathing. Feeling anxious or nervous was my ‘normal’.

This way of living never felt right, yet I let it become a part of me, ingrained in everything I did or did not do. The choices I was making in how I lived came from a man already in anxiety, constantly worrying about the future. Making those choices I would very rarely be the gentle, tender and loving man that I am.

When I needed to communicate with people, whether it was work, sport or any other relationship, I always put myself beneath or as less than the other person. I put myself in a position of already thinking that I had been hurt, believing therefore I was not able to get hurt by anything they said. I convinced myself that I was not their equal.

In reality I was just scared of being wrong or not being liked. I was under the belief that it was easier to make myself ‘wrong’ in the first place and then I thought everything would be ok.

Confrontation scared the pants off me. I would do anything to avoid confrontation when communicating with people, even when playing sport. The funny thing is, sport by nature is confrontational.

Despite this I really enjoyed playing sport: in fact many times I would have said that sport was my life, but even in this, my anxiety about needing to please, to not be wrong and not being good enough, affected how I played sport.

I have become aware that I played sport not just to win but with a fear of losing. I always looked at sport as being my time – an opportunity to be what I thought was myself, not having to worry about what was going on in my life. What an illusion!

As I sit and feel these things about the way I have lived, I do not dream about what might have been, but look to what is. Nervousness and anxiety occur less frequently these days, but I feel more what it does to me and how it affects me. Many times I have felt my chest filling with words that needed to be expressed but I have held them in.

I can now feel how my being caught up in nervousness and anxiety affects people around me. It makes people feel uncomfortable, I have difficulty saying exactly what I want to say, and what I say can sometimes be confusing because I hold back on what needs to be said.

I water it down to minimise what I think the reaction may be from the other person.

The more I build a relationship with my body, the greater the awareness I have of what is happening in my body. This awareness allows me to understand what anxiety and nervousness are.

For someone like me, who has lived with the fear of becoming anxious, this understanding helps me stay more present in my body and takes away the thought of becoming anxious.

Through Universal Medicine presentations, Esoteric Practitioners and the College of Universal Medicine (who ran a course ‘Understanding Anxiety in Men’), I am able to recognise and understand the anxiety and nervousness when they start to appear.

I now know I do not need to fight them, but look at what I have been doing that has allowed them in.

Whilst I am not completely clear of anxiety and nervousness, I do feel that I deal with them in a way that has less of an effect on me. This is something I need to continue working on, building my relationship with myself.

I still feel like that little nervous boy occasionally, but I have a greater awareness of what is going on, which allows me to look at the choices that are there for me to make.

I can say no to nervousness and anxiety, or I can allow them to run me. I am glad to report that most of the time, I choose to say no.

More and more I am appreciating and allowing myself to be me. Because of this they do not control me and I do not fear them, but I can accept that there is an energy there, and I have a choice: anxiety and nervousness, or Me.

I would like to thank Serge Benhayon for inspiring me to make changes in my life.

By Brian Piper, 58, Greenkeeper/Horticulturist, Byron Bay

Further Reading:
Beating Anxiety Gentle Breath Meditation
Anxious Much?
Anxiety is Not Something You Have To Live With – There Is Another Way

652 thoughts on “Nervousness and Anxiety – A Scared Little Boy

  1. Reading this gave me the realisation that when I did martial arts, I was doing it from the stance of defence and not expecting to win. Which is how I have lived most of my life waiting for the attack – being ready so to speak. Since attending Universal Medicine workshops, I have come to know how exhausting it is and that there is no need to be living this way

    1. You give a beautiful example of how much we are trained to be ready and prepared for life in that we can strike back and come to no harm. And yet there is another way, a way of responding rather than reacting, a way of living that is natural to us. And that is what Universal Medicine is about and presents.

  2. What you share here is super beautiful Brian, and what struck me most by reading through your words today where the tenderness and spaciousness that are allowed when we simply look at what is, instead of what could have been. “As I sit and feel these things about the way I have lived, I do not dream about what might have been, but look to what is.”

  3. Nervousness and anxiety have a crippling effect on the body, through which if we are open to it offer us the opportunity to explore the choices we have made for us to be at this point. I had suffered with anxiety for most of my life but kept this to myself. I now realise that this was because I did not appreciate who I was, that I was enough. In beginning to love and honor who I was, my relationship with my confidence grew stronger and stronger, whilst the anxiety become less and less. I now know that when I can feel anxiety begin to take hold, I have given myself away at some point, and simply focus again on what I know is true, that being who I am is everything.

  4. ” I now know I do not need to fight them, but look at what I have been doing that has allowed them in.”
    This is lovely Brian using the awareness of anxiousness and nervousness as a marker to alert yourself as to where you have withdrawn from being the full you.

  5. Seeing nervousness and anxiety as useful indicators of something that we have let in supports us to feel that we have a choice whether to continue running with them or come back to ourselves. In this way they serve a purpose and now I am finally admitting to how much they have previously dominated my life I can also welcome when they make a reappearance as showing me where I have not been true to myself.

  6. “I was under the belief that it was easier to make myself ‘wrong’ in the first place and then I thought everything would be ok.” I just wonder how many children grow up thinking this is the easier way to look at life?

  7. I can see this is about giving ourselves permission to see we actually feel everything, seen, unseen, heard or unheard. We are moving in the same water and if someone is angry it creates tidal waves of imposing energy around them, if they have deep sadness it creates a similar tidal wave – everyone feels it. Our emotions and our way of living are not contained to ourselves and we are feeling or sensing all of them all of the time. If we can contemplate that, we can start to understand why we live with anxiety and consider it normal – the constant assessing of what we are sensing without being able to openly or privately have the skills to recognise what we are feeling.

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