The words are within us but we often don’t know that. Until there comes a time when the ability to express is realised, we rely on others to bring together what it is we would like to say. Choosing the ‘right’ Birthday card, Mother’s Day card, Sympathy card – one that reflects what you want to say, the truth that you hold within but can’t get the words out. This has been my life, relying on others to say what I wanted to say!
So much going on inside my body but feeling there is no avenue in which to say it or express it and sitting in continual judgment of what I might say and how that will be received. I would not even consider putting it down on paper!
Of course this is one of the harsh judgments I have held of myself for such a long time, spending too much time trying to get it right, phrasing what I have to say, trying to get it ‘just right’ and not even entertaining the possibility that I might have something amazing to offer.
Lack of self-worth felt like a huge barrier to overcome, but only as huge as I allowed it to be. It was a barrier that I believed was real and that kept me from expressing outwardly but also stopped others from expressing their truth to me.
This was my life, living with a focus on getting it right and living by standards not set up by me but by the world as it was around me. Being good, being nice, and being caring was nothing but an airtight seal that allowed things to fester inside me: it blocked the connection and interaction I deeply craved and what I really felt inside and wanted to express. I came to realise that condemning myself for the choices I have made in my life serves no purpose for the life I am living now.
I used to live to be in control of everything happening around me because I believed that this would keep me safe, and keep safe those around me that I felt responsible for.
Chewing away at life in bite-size pieces in the days when my children were small, was what kept the door open while I waited for my life to begin. I was waiting for the love deep inside me to be met and recognised by others around me.
Little did I know then that I could choose at any moment to be that Love. I could choose to recognise the amazing being I was and am today, and feel the richness held within me.
Little did I know that all I had to do was to start to say what I felt inside to others, to let out the words and to not allow the fear of being rejected, losing loved ones or being attacked hold me back from expressing my truth.
The moment I started to claim this truth within myself was the moment the relationships around me started to blossom. The deeply felt truth, confirmation, and the richness of what I had capped in myself and others started to unfold.
It was the moment that the lid came off the jar that being good, being nice and being caring could be seen for what they were – a pretense and a barrier to truly connecting with myself and with others. A story created to stop me from being all that I am.
Choosing to hide and hold back had meant missing out on the amazing love and joy that is in, and around, me.
Accepting, surrendering and appreciating me have changed my world, my words and the way I express. The unfolding Grace that I am now experiencing and living every day is the substance of Miracles. As the fruit starts to ripen and the words start to find their way out, what impulses forth is the most amazing joy – I love being exposed, I love being out there for all to see.
Written with Deep Appreciation of the Living Way that Serge Benhayon and the Benhayon family have shared with us all – an open, loving and solid template on which to bring our tender unfolding to the world.
By Christine Hogan, Bendigo