For all the relationship advice I have received over the years, I can safely say that little of it served me well; if anything it contributed only to the fact that I stayed in relationships that I really ought to have ended long before I did. In fact some of them I never should have started!
I do recall my mother’s not-so-sage advice when I was embarking on my first serious relationship where she said, “try living with three different men before you decide to marry as you don’t really know someone until you live with them!” Even when she told me that something in me thought, “But what if I decide it should have been the first or second one and l’ve already moved on!”
Fortunately this advice didn’t stick and nothing of it swayed my choices to be in a relationship or not, let alone whether to marry or not. I already knew that I would only marry if it felt right.
Thirty-five years down the track from that advice I HAVE married, a man I never expected to meet and one so beautifully compatible there was no question when it came to marrying him, no matter what number he was in the ‘lived-with’ stakes.
Regardless of this compatibility, which supported us to establish a very harmonious and easy day-to-day relationship, there was still the inevitable navigation of our particular idiosyncrasies, or to be more precise, the areas where we were each still inclined to get triggered by one another.
This would lead to inevitable small irritations and occasionally escalate into a more obvious annoyance. These moments were short-lived but seemed out of place within the usual harmonious flow we generally found ourselves in.
One day, after one of these moments, I pondered a little deeper on what was taking place and how it might be addressed. I had already tried the usual head-on approach with little receptivity, unsurprisingly!
I recalled a presentation I had attended on appreciation with Serge Benhayon and he’d said something that suddenly struck home.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
(AWT Presentation July 9th on Appreciation, 2016)
Bingo! I knew that was the answer.
Being someone with a tendency until then to see faults well before I might acknowledge valuable attributes (both in myself and others), I pondered the potential impact of my husband not feeling the extent of appreciation for who he is and ALL that he brings that is true and amazing.
So we embarked on what became a fun and playful nightly exercise of sharing one thing each that we appreciated about the other that day, each time something that had never been expressed before. The stipulation was that these could not be things we had done at a functional level; we were nominating true qualities we could recognise as present in something the other had done or said. For example, one thing that emerged is my husband has an in-built radar for truth. He can pick the ‘untruth’ in almost any situation and nail it in a few words. He is seldom swayed by the outer appearance of things and can hone in on exactly what it is that is out of order.
What unfolded for me was nothing short of incredible, with every night revealing yet another aspect or detail to this beautiful man that I had not brought to the light of day and expressed in full before. Interestingly, I found the healing in this exercise was often felt more in the expressing than it was in receiving back.
Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!
Essentially what occurred in our relationship over the next six months was that we built a foundation of love and respect for each other’s true value, a foundation that is there to this day and leaves us feeling unshakeable as a couple. There can be no focus on faults, when what is amazing and true in each other is plain as day.
As well, and quite miraculously, we got to know each other in such an intricate and detailed way that those niggles previously mentioned just melted away. There is no longer any annoyance with each other; that is now something relegated to an amusing, distant memory.
Appreciation of one another’s true value is now a natural and constant exchange between us, no longer a pointed exercise, as it is now just part of the foundation we call our relationship.
So, what resulted from a simple but profoundly true statement by Serge Benhayon became the most sage piece of relationship advice I have yet to receive.
By Jennifer Ellis, Brisbane, Australia
Related Reading:
Appreciation in Relationships
Peeling Back the Layers of Appreciation
Making a Relationship about True Love
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
I appreciate the loving commitment you brought into the relationship by seeing the values of one another instead of the faults. What you have feels very nurturing, caring, and deeply enriching. This is a beautiful foundation to build in every single relationship we have.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before”, wow that’s a punchline of a statement. And as I read this, I realised several people I haven’t truly appreciated and see the issue at play, and being at the forefront.
This appreciation thing is so important as I do know when I’ve appreciated someone, the difference I can feel between us is truly felt by both. There’s more to appreciation than we realise and this isn’t something we would loosely do, it is done from the heart, and when it is, the other can receive it to their heart.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” – Jenni this is deeply revealing and deeply healing and shows us the responsibility we hold in the relationship, in all relationships including ourselves, to appreciate all there is to appreciate.
Henrietta I agree with you that these words
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
are very revealing and a great support to shine a light on ourselves first as to why we have gone into reaction over something. I have a colleague at work and using this understanding I have been able to value them and to understand the pressures they put themselves under because they value the safety of work above the health of themselves. How many of us do this? Where we behave irrationally because we fear losing our job, bringing understanding and appreciation to the fact that so many of us live in the fear of losing our security that we will do almost anything to prevent this and what a huge set up we have all fallen for as it keeps us all less than who we are. Having this appreciation supports me to not react to them when they behave in ways that I feel are selfish, of course they are selfish because they are in survival mode, because we as a society chose to live in a ‘dog eat dog’ world.
Relationships are one of our fastest ways to grow and evolve – we reflect things to others and others reflect things to us, and this presents opportunities for us that allow growth and evolution should we choose to embrace this.
And how supportive is appreciation in contributing to us evolving.
Henrietta, it is true any relationships are fastest way to grow and evolve. Even the ugly ones we want to avoid and they are the ones we grow most from, but we often don’t observe it from this perspective.
Relationships are an important part of our lives. How else can we grow?
As has been said by Serge Benhayon, ‘Expression is everything’ – not expressing means we hold back the wisdom that would otherwise flow through us.
Appreciation from the Joy we are living is worth while sharing and thus we can deepen the relationship we have not only with God but the flow on to our partners and society.
“I had already tried the usual head-on approach with little receptivity, unsurprisingly!” Thanks for this line Jennifer, I hadn’t realised that I also have a head on approach at times which may be too confronting for some people. Something for me to bring more sensitivity to.
Melinda like you reading the head on approach I realised that this isn’t always the way that if I observe, observe, observe the energy reveals it self. I cannot always do this but when I do there is such clarity.
Beautiful to appreciate how powerful it is to express appreciation.
Very beautiful, and fun too, ‘we embarked on what became a fun and playful nightly exercise of sharing one thing each that we appreciated about the other that day, each time something that had never been expressed before.’
I do love this blog. I searched it out this morning as I recalled how significant this is for any relationship, not just that of our partners. Simple practical and something that can be enacted as shows by what has been shared here.
Absolutely Jennifer, applying this can support all of our relationships, ‘“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
“Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!” We have such little focus on the beauty in ourselves and others, our life seems to be focused on the hurts we carry, and at times judgement, criticising, and being in protection. We tend to think we are not enough and are blind to what’s truly within ourselves. Life actually hurts without appreciation because it’s the view of everything that’s wrong and not as it ‘should’ be. When our mind is cluttered up with that negative focus on ourselves and others we really miss the magic.
Melinda I came to this understanding yesterday that
‘We have such little focus on the beauty in ourselves and others, our life seems to be focused on the hurts we carry, and at times judgement, criticising, and being in protection. We tend to think we are not enough and are blind to what’s truly within ourselves.’
I have been so busy navel gazing on my own hurts etc, I have not looked up to fully appreciate that the world is in a mess and we are all bereft of the magic of life, hence why in our disconnection to the magic that surrounds us we live like zombies.
Such great advice for any relationship, including friends and family. Sometimes I notice people can struggle to let in the love and accept the appreciation, but I still feel how valuable it is to express because it offers an opportunity to begin to receive love in a way we may not be used to.
We could also do this with ourself to support our relationship with self, ‘The stipulation was that these could not be things we had done at a functional level; we were nominating true qualities we could recognise as present in something the other had done or said.’
I’m reminded about another piece of relationship advice… not just restricted to one’s partner but all relationships, and that is: if there is something that comes up, then to take responsibility for my part in it. When you then add appreciating another it just cuts through my self oriented responses of blame or denial of one’s own role, and gets to work on the reaction that we can all so easily fall into.
Love this “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Bingo indeed. Thank you for sharing.
No matter who we are with in a relationship (friendship, romance, family etc) and who we live with, there will be areas that challenge us and areas that will delight us with the other person. We can of course focus on the challenges and forget the beauty or we can focus on the beauty and allow that to light the way through the challenges. Either way both have a purpose and if we see this for what is on offer, we can make that much more out of it and grow together.
Every relationship we enter into is simply another opportunity to learn from another about ourselves and this is the blessing and the gift.
This can be so expanding for us, ‘Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!’
True appreciation is something that can never be downplayed our underestimated. The perfect way to meander through the fog of our created issues.
When we know the truth of who someone is, we will accept nothing less than the glory of who they are.