I read two blog comments and a couple of articles recently that made me sit up straight – very straight indeed. The topic was abuse and it made me realise how relatively easy it is to talk about abuse when it concerns an identifiable victim and a perpetrator as two or several people, when we talk about physical, mental, emotional, financial or sexual abuse. Even the term ‘self-abuse’ has become part of our daily language and we associate it with any kind of visible self-harm, as in cutting or under-eating for example.
But what about the application of the term ‘abuse’ when it comes to drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes or marijuana, kicking the dog in anger, spending hours gaming or watching TV, punching a hole in the wall, slamming a door?
It gets a little uncomfortable when we start talking about the possibility of describing as abuse pastimes that we might frequently dabble in, resort to, if not rely upon as coping mechanisms and for a sense of equilibrium. As forthright citizens, we might rightly say that we don’t inflict sexual, physical, mental, financial or emotional abuse – but what happens when we go a little deeper and examine the real quality of our daily lived life, what we do to others and especially, what we do to ourselves? And yes, I am not talking about cutting here, I am talking about drinking alcohol, smoking tobacco or any other substance, about going to bed later than what our body clearly signals to us, about asking our body to do the impossible, day in and day out.
Dr Eunice Minford, a general surgeon in Northern Ireland, asks in her article, ‘Abuse – just a way of life’ (1) whether abusing ourselves has become our everyday reality and is now considered normal. Her answer, by implication, is a clear yes; self-abuse in its ‘finer’ detail has become a way of life and is deemed normal. Sobering indeed.
The question is: what do we opt for and busy ourselves with, instead of addressing our deleterious food and beverage choices or our pastimes, from evermore entertainment to gaming and harming food and beverage choices?
Is it possible that abuse starts with self-abuse and our unwillingness to be honest and admit that a lot of our so-called ‘normal’ behaviours are in fact self-abusive? For example: when a child is tired and we refuse to let them go to sleep, but forcefully keep them up by any means possible, we would call that abuse and sleep deprivation. But we so easily do this to ourselves, pushing past the point of enough is enough and often right into exhaustion, if not ultimately a diagnosable illness. What’s the difference?
How can this be abuse if inflicted on another but not self-abuse when we do it to ourselves?
By Gabriele Conrad, Goonellabah NSW
References:
- Minford, Eunice (2017). Abuse – just a way of life. | The Soulful Doctor | Eunice Minford. [online] The Soulful Doctor | Eunice Minford. Available at: http://thesoulfuldoctor.co.uk/blog/abuse-just-a-way-of-life [Accessed 19 Dec. 2017].
Related Reading:
Abuse – My Understanding So Far
Alcohol Abuse – What’s Normal?
The Art of Appreciation – Helping to Break the Cycle of Self Abuse
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Could it be when we say we are okay when we are actually feeling amazing is abusive and will contract us from our divine connection?
Lifting the lid on abuse in the slightest way leads to accepting ever-increasing abuse to others and self to be the norm.
For many years I followed a diet and participated in activities that were socially accepted and in many cases were seen as being part of a healthy lifestyle. This lifestyle was based upon ideas I learnt from other people. However, once I started to listen to what supported my body by how it responded positively to my choices rather than what others said was beneficial, I started to make very different choices and what I chose before I now class as being self-abusive.
I have found this as well – once we listen to our body and take note of how we are feeling, the old ideas of what is supposedly healthy and good are shown up for what they are: someone else’s prescriptions, experimentations and good ideas, if they are indeed good. Our own body speaks loud and clear, we just need to listen.
It is true, we do get uncomfortable when we talk about our abusive ways because we do not want to take responsibility for our behaviour and then make choices to change. We tell ourselves that we have no idea if we are being abusive or we make excuses that it’s someone else’s fault but in reality, we do know.
Yes, we make very lame excuses indeed, put ourselves last and then get bitter and resentful that we are last in line and that everyone else ‘has it better’. All the while, we deep down know exactly what is going on and that we have made those choices but would never admit it, not even to ourselves.
Gabriele you have hit the proverbial nail on the head when you say
“All the while, we deep down know exactly what is going on and that we have made those choices but would never admit it, not even to ourselves.”
We are so dishonest with ourselves and that is another layer of abuse to unpick, we use an intelligence to harm ourselves and when it is pointed out it seems so ridiculous that we would do such a thing but we do.
We do know if we are being abusive, we just don’t want to be responsible, we know these substances are not good for us, ‘I am talking about drinking alcohol, smoking tobacco or any other substance, about going to bed later than what our body clearly signals to us, about asking our body to do the impossible, day in and day out.’
It’s like we are oblivious to the needs of our body and treat it worse than we would our car – in many instances anyway.
Often we are not so willing to admit that we are being abusive to ourselves, but the response to that question of “would we treat a baby in the same way” is a great one for highlighting the fact that we do know what is okay and what is not – very well.
We do know what is true and sacred even but so very often, we choose to act and move in defiance of this inner knowing.
Its weird, sad and downright awful that we have so many different forms of abuse: ‘physical, mental, emotional, financial or sexual abuse’ just trips off the tongue and we know each one is real and common in society. If we were to step back for a moment and look with fresh eyes we would consider that the world has gone mad to have this as a thing here on Earth.
We have normalised what cannot and should not ever be normal and keep lowering the bar on what is acceptable, putting up with a way of life that is not what it easily could be.
“Abuse pastimes that we might frequently dabble in, resort to, if not rely upon as coping mechanisms and for a sense of equilibrium” – this ‘rely upon’ bit really stands out for me, and I cannot argue against it being true. It sounds strange, but it does seem like we are needing even just a small dosage of abuse to feel ‘balanced’ or it could be a case of not having to feel out of place. I know for myself how I have eaten something that I know not to support me any longer, or spend hours on the Internet, to be ‘naughty’ or as a reward when I am actually feeling amazing but in actual fact to take the edge off and reduce the grandness and its possible expansion and more-ness.
We know when we are abusing ourselves, and not being honest, ‘Is it possible that abuse starts with self-abuse and our unwillingness to be honest and admit that a lot of our so-called ‘normal’ behaviours are in fact self-abusive?’ Absolutely, a lot of our ‘normal’ behaviours are a form of abuse.
How can this be abuse if inflicted on another but not self-abuse when we do it to ourselves?
Where has our true intelligence gone, when we actually can not get to the depth of this truth? We need wider ways to ponder.
Are we intelligent, what is going on that we treat ourselves with such lack of self love?
If the way we treat ourselves is less than we would treat a newborn baby or a vulnerable child, then we have to question why we are not just as valuable and worth taking time over. This then lays a foundation for that way of moving to become our normal and means we can support others in a more caring way because it has become a standard that is completely normal.
Great point; we behave as though there was a certain age at which it is okay for abuse to start and is even considered normal, as though it were part of growing up. Who says?
We can only abuse others if we have put ourselves into a state of abuse ourselves. Therefore I agree that abuse begins with self-abuse and to take it further I would add that self-abuse begins the moment we do not honour and treasure the preciousness within – that tiny spark of light that can never be snuffed that burns deep in the hearts of us all and reminds us of our universality.
So the more we honour ourselves, the less normal abuse is out there in the world (and so the more likely that we will call it out). Its a great place to start, and there is no barrier to each and every one of us giving it a go.
it is a very compelling example… The idea of keeping up a child in such an abusive way, is so obviously abuse… And yet as you say, what do we do with ourselves.
I like to return to this blog from time to time because it lays a very important foundation for us in that if we abuse our bodies in any way then we are not only tolerating abuse but actually championing it.
Great point Elizabeth, if we abuse our bodies in any way, then we are saying this is ok to behave in this way.
Having a deeper level of connection with my body is supportive in being more aware of the abusive mind chatter that is running in the background – this is great as prior to attending presentations by Serge Benhayon there would have been no awareness of this at all, let alone it being abusive / self-critical..
We consider it normal, this self-abusive chatter and derision until we start to question the chatter itself and its content and realise that it does not have to be like that.
“How can this be abuse if inflicted on another but not self-abuse when we do it to ourselves”
How beautiful is that — an oh so brave statement that shares with us the truth about life and what we come to feel when we connect to our hearts again. There is no hesitation as abuse is abuse and love is love.
I think it’s really helpful to consider and reflect on actually how are with ourself – how is that relationship for it is foundational to how we also are with everyone else. Do we let negative or undermining thoughts run in our mind and how much do we listen to and care for our body…?
Yes the thought process is very important. I love the reminders from the body about stinking thinking and how much it hurts.
Thank you Gabriele, I was feeling this abuse myself the other day when I had pushed myself to do all kind of things, like going to the market, visit my father, have dinner with a friend when my body was very loud and clear after I came back home from work, to have some rest. I can feel how I am used to ‘keep on going’ instead of choosing what my body is communicating all of the time not only when it fits me.
Interestingly, we have made going against what our body is telling us, loud and clear, our normal and everyday activity, many activities.
Thank you Gabriele – this blog has also offered the opportunity for me sit up – very straight indeed, and have another look at where there is even a tad of abuse / self abuse being accepted in daily life.
“but what happens when we go a little deeper and examine the real quality of our daily lived life, what we do to others and especially, what we do to ourselves?”
I love the question at the end; ‘How can this be abuse if inflicted on another but not self-abuse when we do it to ourselves?’ It makes a complete mockery about the way we use the word abuse and what we deem it to be. I know for myself there are things I would and have done to myself that I would never dream of doing to another so why would I do this to myself, What level of decency, love and respect am I therefore holding myself in?
Yes our ideas of what abuse is what conveniently allows us to not address all the subtle forms of abuse that we impose on ourselves as such then on others. Anything that is unloving is an abuse to who we are, the love we are in essence, as even thoughts of self-doubt, judgement and comparison are abusive games we play that keep us from living and reflecting the greater love that we innately are.
Abuse starts small, very small and then grows incrementally as we make ourselves get used to the ever-changing and in fact worsening ‘new normal’ – bit by bit into the full catastrophe.
Differentiating what we have power over and what we don’t is very important for us. If we can redress the balance we start to see that we can be on the front foot and avert many of the disruptive experiences that were once quite normal from sticking the head very firmly in the sand!!
There is no doubt that our lack of understanding of the being that we are with in the body allows us to continue on a path of self-abuse, where we attend to the body for how it looks, or possibly how fit it is, or even getting it healthy, but not how it feels within. The Ageless Wisdom puts the body front and centre, and offers a depth of understanding of the soul within the body that is the marker of our truth.
We regard the body as an outer shell, containing the mind and being entirely driven by it and never do we accord it the respect and decency we would any fellow human being or animal, for that matter. If we were treated as we treat ourselves and were animals, we would be reported to the RSPCA and hauled over the coals for our cruelty.
The more honest we are with ourselves the easier it is to identity what is abuse and the easier it is to make those changes to live a more loving and consistent life.
Yes, because we wouldn’t recognise it if we were not prepared to bring that level of honesty to ourselves.
Great question Gabriele, ‘Are We in an Abusive Relationship with Ourselves?, the answer for most including myself is yes, the more I understand about abuse, the deeper I am feeling into what is abuse, and every time I override what my body is asking particularly to go to bed, I am in fact abusing myself, thank you for the timely reminder.
Any situation that triggers energy of hurts and/or emotions we carry in the body lead first to abuse of self and eventually of others.
Any hurt left unattended to makes us the target of whatever wants to come through us, mainly in reaction and retaliation.
“Is it possible that abuse starts with self-abuse and our unwillingness to be honest and admit that a lot of our so-called ‘normal’ behaviours are in fact self-abusive?” – yes Gabriele, the more you allow self-love to be the natural way of living, the more you realise the extent and truth of what you share here on abuse from self-abuse.
It is when we start comparing the obvious abusive behaviours with what we consider our normal that we overlook where we are being self-abusive, on what in comparison may seem less, but however we want to re-interpret it abuse is still abuse and it comes with a lack of regard and responsibility towards ourselves and indeed flows on to effect everyone else. The more we accept the minor abusive behaviours the more abusive they will become so that what may have felt abusive becomes part of our everyday patterns.
If something gets a little bit worse every day, we tend to turn a blind eye and, before we know it, we are faced with the full catastrophe.
Thank you Gabrielle. for you expose the lies that we have incorporated in our daily lives that are abuse. Uncomfortable to admit, but truly serving if we did!
As everything else, abuse starts small and is in the detail; when we let it slide and say yes (and that might mean not saying no and putting up with what is happening), we can easily go into free fall and all the way into what we would commonly call abuse and are repulsed by. But why did we let it slide to start with?
Imagine a law that said all abuse was illegal, including abuse to ourselves. It seems to me the cycle of abuse will be never ending until we higher our standards in every area of our lives and understand that life is not truly about us, and that one action of abuse or harm such as simply overeating has much greater impact and reach than we could imagine.
We don’t need more legislation, we need understanding and love.
Hear Hear Gabriele. A loveless world will not change through legislation, simply a deeper understanding of the truth of our being connected to God within and through our body, can restore harmonious living from Love to humanity . This will herald the end of abuse in any form.
We definitely need more love, and understanding.
We feel completely different about ourselves when we honour what is true for ourselves rather than doing something to please others.
We sell out to another’s demands when we do things to please others and lose any authority – and our confidence as well. We become like a slave.
That’s a great way to describe it – when we try and please others it becomes a matter of authority and of giving away our authority and personal jurisdiction to something outside of ourselves – it’s a bit like un-anchoring a ship in a turbulent storm.
Such a powerful article Gabriele exposing the abusive cycle we can be in with ourselves. We have normalised the ‘self-abuse’ instead of seeing the harm we do to ourselves everyday is still part of the same energy of abuse, the more we call out this abuse the more likely we are to be open to seeing the larger forms of abuse around us. It all comes down to responsibility and being open to see the truth.
And vice versa – the more we see the obvious and in our faces kind of abuse, the more the intricate nuances of abuse and self-abuse come to the fore and expose themselves.
Being open, honest and responsible is important in calling out abuse in ourself, not allowing so called ‘normal’ abuse in any form.
What we regard as abuse really depends of the level of self acceptance and love we have for ourselves, and the more that the love builds the more abusive patterns are discarded. There are many things that I catch myself doing which feel abusive to my body, like rushing in the morning and the way that I get into my car, which a few years ago wouldn’t have even crossed my mind as being abusive as the more obvious behaviours were still at play such as drinking and smoking.
The more we see and feel, the more we see and feel – as we discard the more obvious abusive patterns, the subtler ones get revealed. And they are those we would not have noticed years, months or at times, even days ago.
Lack of sleep can make us cranky and in that crankiness we can be difficult for others to be around – that in itself really is a type of abuse for both parties.
“self-abuse in its ‘finer’ detail has become a way of life and is deemed normal” and this is how we can avoid looking at abuse in the detail we need to to step out of that damaging acceptance, that abnormal ‘normal’ – clearly exposed as not normal with your great question around sleep: when a child is tired and we refuse to let them go to sleep, but forcefully keep them up by any means possible, we would call that abuse and sleep deprivation. But we so easily do this to ourselves, pushing past the point of enough is enough and often right into exhaustion, if not ultimately a diagnosable illness. What’s the difference?
There are so many ways abuse is happening around us that it has become the normal and we have a gazillion ways of distracting ourselves from noticing it so it doesn’t impulse us to do anything about it, because when you do see it you cannot BUT get active. That is what is so clever about negating the energetic factor as being of any importance, because we can then only consider abuse as the more extreme forms of abuse we can actually see with our eyes and measure by the severity in that way.
A great call and question to ask. We have the tendency to look for the culprit in others but how is the relationship with ourself, how are we treating ourself, as that is what we bring to everybody else.
We can reflect another way of living to another, a way of caring and nurturing ourselves, and who knows it may inspire another to live differently.
It’s so true that what we might consider abusive towards others we normalise in our relationship to ourselves, a great example being what you’ve shared Gabriele about sleep deprivation, and another being just how hostile our thoughts can be throughout the day – if we said some of these thoughts out loud it would be a serious concern.
Self-abuse has indeed become so normalised in our world. At this point I can see not many people are willing to recognise how harmful self-abuse is. It has become a way of life that so many people have accepted and often don’t think to question it because everyone else is also living the same abusive way. If we self-abuse then we are adding to the energy of abuse that could potentially do greater harm elsewhere where we may not see or witness. But in the world of energy we in fact contribute to a pool of energy that harms another human being if we say yes to abuse in any shape or form. When we understand this, then it calls us to take another look at our level of responsibility and all our choices.
With self-abuse, we normalise it by our behaviours and add to the pool of energy that keeps reinstating it every moment by humanity world-wide. We aid and abet what we in truth abhor so it is recirculated throughout the world and amongst all people.
True, do we want to add to the energy of abuse, or instead choose love, ‘If we self-abuse then we are adding to the energy of abuse that could potentially do greater harm elsewhere where we may not see or witness.’
Great questions here, how can it not be abuse if we do it to ourselves as well, but the really uncomfortable thing for me reading this was how we can use abuse to ‘rely upon as coping mechanisms and for a sense of equilibrium … now this stopped me for I know that I can easily go into self bashing thoughts and then the food usually follows, but to consider that I might use this as a coping mechanism … I do, and that’s definitely something to change.
“Is it possible that abuse starts with self-abuse and our unwillingness to be honest and admit that a lot of our so-called ‘normal’ behaviours are in fact self-abusive?” I see it as for any moment or millisecond that we do not honour and be absolutely honests what are our feelings we are in abuse.
Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine helped me to understand and see the abuse I had towards myself, before meeting Serge I really wasn’t aware of the levels of abuse I had towards myself. This allowed me to work on this bring loving ways in and so it continues and the more subtle choices are revealed with my body’s guidance.
Thank you Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon for opening my eyes to every form of abuse you have shared with us Gabriele, as I have partaking in all you are sharing in the most abusive ways!
Could it be that we are so used to filling our emptiness with anything other than Love that we accept abuse in its many forms? Then even when we stop abusive behaviours do we let go of the underlying condition that caused us to go into what-ever that abuse was? And read on for there is an expanding on what is shared about the blogs from Eunice Minford referred to in his blog; “This might be a hard pill to swallow when its full ramifications are realised, as we can be stuck in the illusion that we are living relatively healthy and harmless lives but when examined energetically we are in fact abusing ourselves and others frequently.” This leads us to Gabriele’s question where does abuse start and it is most definitely with our-self.
Then when all the cards are on the table about abuse we understand it has many avenues that it takes to keep us from our most Loving aspect and a lot of Soul-searching is needed to look into our behaviours 24/7 so we can open our-self up to healing many ill ways that have abused us on every level for life times. Until-True-Love is opened to us in its Truest-form, then many ways become open for us to live Lovingly to the best of our ability and it can be lived to a level that is not a momentary thing, but a Love that is, continually breaking down our abusive ways!
All detail abuse we do to ourselves and others brings collective the energy to let abuse happen all over the world.
This is why we are all responsible for what is happening.
Great reminder that we are always contributing to the pool of energy rippling out from any behaviour and thus have a responsibility to not perpetuate what we don’t want in our lives anymore.
Yes and this can feel like a judgement and harsh therefore overwhelming – where do you start when the abuse is not just in the confines of your home or community but world-wide? Yet it started by letting things slide in our own bodies and at home, therefore to have any impact on the greater plan we have to start with our own bodies in our own lives and build a body that can support the level of awareness we are struggling to embrace. Then we won’t be overwhelmed, we will know what we can do we must do with the full awareness that we never do it alone.
We don’t see pushing ourselves to get a job done abusive but when we listen to our body it willing shows us that it is going against its natural rhythm, and I know I used to do this countless times during the day. To counter it I ate sugary foods but there was always a permanent raciness in my body. I am now so much more aware of all the different things in my day that can push my body out of its natural rhythm. What I am now learning to do is refine it even more. I recently had a session where I was in deep repose but after the session I carried on as I would normally do and fell over and injured my wrist and spine. This really showed me I had not truly connected to the next step that was being offered to me, and although it was not the usual way I would go into drive, I was still out of rhythm with where my body was at. I am constantly going to a deeper level of what self abuse looks like and how it shows up in my body.
In truth, we don’t want to see the abuse we do to ourselves because of our attachment to comfort. We don’t want to let go of our behaviours to comfort us because they help to distract and numb ourselves from what is going on.
‘Is it possible that abuse starts with self-abuse and our unwillingness to be honest and admit that a lot of our so-called ‘normal’ behaviours are in fact self-abusive?’ That’s a yes from me, and for abuse to stop externally it needs to stop internally first. The body is an honest guide should we need some direction.
A powerful message. Sharing on abuse and self-abuse the deeper insight and reality of what this actually means. The unleash the “accepted ” forms of abuse by exposing them for the exact same abuse they are compared to more obvious situations – where raw abuse is shown. Raw or unraw – abuse is abuse and we need to be more honest now: as keeping silent and unaware will only creates the toll to go further and increase all the abuse going on in our world.
This is a massive and I mean MASSIVE topic Gabriele especially because most of humanity think they are not generally self abusive when they actually are and coupled with the rising illness and disease stats wonder why we are getting so sick. It is rare to treat ourselves with true love and care but could this in itself be part of the ill?
It is a great exercise to check if what we are doing to ourselves or to another is something we would do a baby, as if not why do it to ourselves?
Under the toughest exterior is the sensitivity of the baby and when overridden anything it possible. Though sensitivity is a quality that allows us to feel and read what is going on around us, it is a quality to embrace.
‘How can this be abuse if inflicted on another but not self-abuse when we do it to ourselves?’ When I observe a situation where someone may be choosing to over-ride the very clear signs of exhaustion and pushing on to get something done, I do not hold back in challenging what their body is really asking for and the freedom of choice available to them. If I am to apply the same situation to myself I used to be totally unaware that I too, am choosing abuse over self love. A willingness to allow space for deeply surrendering and to listen to what is needed changes everything, particularly different choices. Distractions serve the purpose of allowing abuse of self to continue – end the distractions and the abuse will also begin to disappear.
Maybe it’s about ending the monopoly of the mind over the body that’s going to stop the abuse, more than anything else in this world of ours?
“Is it possible that abuse starts with self-abuse and our unwillingness to be honest and admit that a lot of our so-called ‘normal’ behaviours are in fact self-abusive?” I would say yes, because they are a coping mechanism for the lack of true honesty. It is a way we have lived for so long now that to consider the level of abuse we consider ‘normal’ that should not be normal at all is challenging. Sticking our head in the sand seems to be the more popular answer – having been there for most of my life and still getting to know when my head is still there when I find a I have a mouthful of sand again eeeek!
Some people can see self-abuse as okay because it ‘doesn’t affect anyone else’ – but in fact it does. Any form of abuse harms everyone – you cannot abuse yourself without abusing another in some way, shape or form.
So true Jenny, this is a common way of thinking, that what we do to ourselves does not harm another or the rest of humanity. But when we understand how energy work and understand how life on earth work, then we cannot deny the fact that every choice we make does impact on everything else.
We are very powerful but not ready for the responsibility that the awareness of this power brings to us. So meanwhile, we engage in delay, and delay, and delay …
If we start from the marker that anything less than love is abuse we can see how far we have strayed and how much this can depend on the people we hang out with or associate with. My old life and the people that I hung out with regarded drinking excessively normal and not an abuse in anyway, if we could hold it together remain employed and live a life. I’m along way from that life, but also still a long way off the marker of being all about love so still generally in the self-abuse category.
‘self-abuse in its ‘finer’ detail has become a way of life and is deemed normal. Sobering indeed.’ Agreed Gabriele, especially when ultimately and truly we are such precious, awesome, loving and powerful beings.