A few years ago I was speaking to an older woman about art. She shared with me, “I would have loved to be creative without having to be perfect.” This made me stop in my tracks.
We continued the conversation about her experience of art classes at school; not being able to draw the perfect straight line like the teachers or other kids, or getting into trouble for not getting it right etc. She had held onto this in her body and it affected her to this day.
Many of us have had experiences like this; it may not have been in the art classroom, as perfection, hurt and comparison can play out in many areas of our life.
It may have been for colouring outside the line, but what happens if you just love yellow on white paper so much that you can’t help but want to share how awesome it looks, you can’t and don’t want to contain it to the lines, you want to share your love and joy of that colour? What happens if you want to colour in in every direction possible, – up, down, left, right, front to back, back to front, only to be told you can’t, it’s ‘not right’?
Who says it’s not right?
Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all. It’s a bit like telling someone they can’t wear two colours together because you don’t like it, like black and navy blue, yet I love wearing them together.
Now don’t get me wrong; when teaching an art lesson, there are things to be learnt. We can still teach lessons following the experiences and outcomes we have to as part of the curriculum, alongside allowing people the freedom to express themselves and enjoy what they make.
One of the most beautiful things to do is allow children to express the same topic in the way they feel to and be blessed by and enjoy each expression.
I have learnt much from children and teenagers I teach over the years; they come up with some incredible things that I often would never think of and I say “Wow, I love that! Can I use that in another lesson?”
Sometimes what I see, because we are so prone to telling children and people what to do, is that kids can’t think for themselves; now we know this is not true – what I mean is that when asked to produce their own work, come up with ideas, not be shown by the teacher what to do step by step – many children really struggle with this. This can play out at home too, where children don’t know what to do with themselves, as in games to play or how to enjoy being on their own. When I was a child this was not the case, so something over the years has changed.
What I have also learnt from observing and talking to other people, adults and children alike, and from my own experience, is that it is important to allow people to express themselves and have fun, not try to control them, make things look perfect or good to go on a wall. Sometimes kids end up hating a subject because of this or as above cannot think for themselves, or don’t know what they like and don’t like.
I have seen kids come into first year at high school terrified of making a mistake, too scared to have fun, or very young kids in primary school, really anxious about messing up, ready to bin something for the tiniest of mistakes. How does this then equate into everyday life when we make mistakes as we go about our day? Do we have a self-barrage of really critical thoughts, attacking ourselves from the inside out to give up?
This plays out in kids from a very, very, young age all the way through to our adult life.
We need to be aware of the impact of our words and actions, our movements you could call them, how everything we do and say affects people, including ourselves. It is either healing or harming – there is no in-between. And the fact that when we hold onto things, we hold onto them in our body and they can stay with us for years or lifetimes, ill-affect our health and or cloud our picture of other situations or people. It’s not worth holding onto things – it’s like carrying lots of heavy invisible baggage around that weighs us down. What would it feel like to let go of all of this?
For me the joy in teaching is first and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject.
This is what lasts with the kids –the connection and relationship we build with them first.
By Anonymous
Related Reading:
Exposing the False Perception of a Perfect Life
“Expression is Everything” – How I Feel About Myself, the World and Other People
A ‘Perfect’ Life
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
When Love is shared openly the True relationship we have with each other and thus our True intimacy develops in a way that is very much non-imposing on others.
This really should be taught within the education system, ‘We need to be aware of the impact of our words and actions, our movements you could call them, how everything we do and say affects people, including ourselves. It is either healing or harming’.
So True Loraine, and as we heal the amount of wisdom we become aware of presents in every aspect of life and thus our Livingness becomes our Guiding Light.
Where has this word come from? Being perfect by who’s measurement? We are so affected by the way we have been bought up, that it plays out throughout our years of living.
Where I work, our upbringing plays out in how we deal with our every day to day situations or circumstances. And this can be quite challenging when we are faced with emergencies.
Those self critical thoughts can be debilitating. It only takes one person to bring that to a persons awareness and bring another way of seeing things and it could change a persons life. It only takes one person to love and nurture them and we could have an impact for the rest of that persons life, thats all it takes to remove those imperfection thoughts.
What if we all learnt from each other and after starting with decency and respect one child could teach another until the whole class had learnt and then we all move on together, and the teacher puts the subject matter on the table and sets the boundaries!
Greg it only take one to show that there is another way, that’s it. And people know and can feel that what is being presented is from the absoluteness of truth. They may not always agree but we can leave an imprint behind for a later date.
I loved reading this blog we can fall into this trap of things having to be a certain way because of how our parents were taught to be too, and so the cycle continues from generation to generation. What is perfect then, how and who measures this? That is a question we need to be asking more and more. And yet everyone in this world brings their own unique expression and that is to be valued and shared with others, and in this it gives another to do the same.
There is no perfection in life, there just is a way to be. Let go of it needing to be a certain way or even having an expectation then in that we can be us.
There is no perfection, whatever that is in the world.
The pictures about life we buy into, and the ideals and beliefs we invest in, all set us up to dismiss the qualities we already own. We allow these pictures to take us away from self appreciation and the natural settlement we felt in our bodies when we were very small. Our institutions work on us very insidiously from young, so that before too long we doubt our innate wisdom and align to those ideals and beliefs society says are more important, letting go of our connection to self and the knowledge of who we are.
What a set up life has to offer us, purposefully done to keep us separate from who we truly are. It’s a no wonder there is so much anxiousness and unsettlement in this world because we are too busy being made to fit in to something that is false and not belonging to us.
Life for many will be so different if we were allowed to be…
Pictures, ideals, and beliefs set us up to think things have to be a certain way, such a trap.
The drive for perfection is the same as being constricted to colouring within the lines, conforming so someone else’s ideas and no space for your own expression.
Do we have a need to be perfect because we’ve forgotten what it’s like to be imperfect? My friend told me yesterday that she got a glimpse of what it’s like to live life without pictures & how easy she felt with that. In that moment i realised that I actually have no clue how to do that, surely you have to have an idea about alll aspects of life? With that, I also realised the rush of panic i felt at considering dropping all pictures & living life that way. But with that I also got to see how holding onto this perception of life is not true because if it were true, the panic wouldn’t be there. As weird as it may sound, this felt like a very first step in dropping this perception & way of life that i’ve had a hold of my whole life.
The funny thing about perfection is that it depends on your viewpoint as to what is being perfected. Perfection can come with attention to detail and being very particular, but perfection can also be about the perfect way to undo yourself. Hence an obsession with perfection is a perfect way to be a perfect disaster. 😉
Absolutely, so ludicrous, ‘it depends on your viewpoint as to what is being perfected.’
I agree Ariana, but in all honesty I can feel it (perfection) still wants to creep back in and is something I need to keep an eye on! Sneaky thing…and then the drive does take over till such time that I catch it and kick it out again!
No matter the age we are all equal. Children too can be our teachers as we all have access to the same wisdom.
We all can learn so much from children, and also from each other.
When I have dreams that I am traveling and running late for a airplane ride because I am lugging around too much luggage, then I know that I need to re-assess how I am living in my day and realise I am carrying too much unnecessarily.
We learn more from free expression, doing what we feel, even if mistakes happen, rather than playing safe, ‘colouring within the lines’ so that nothing happens or things stays the same.
This is yet another life lesson we are not taught
“We need to be aware of the impact of our words and actions, our movements you could call them, how everything we do and say affects people, including ourselves. It is either healing or harming – there is no in-between. ”
If this awareness was part of the school curriculum from a young age what a difference it would make to our society
Letting go of the need to be perfect – it’s a big yes to that for me. Perfection seems to be a whip we use against ourselves, when all the while we are abusing ourselves for being who we are. That makes no sense at all.
“This is what lasts with the kids –the connection and relationship we build with them first.” So true Anon. The teachers I remember from my childhood – over fifty years ago now – are the ones who made a connection with me, tho I cant remember much of what they taught me.
It is true when children are colouring they love a colour so much that they use it all over the page. I volunteer with children who are 6 and 7 years old and some of them are meticulous with what colour goes where and then there are the others who colour the whole page; it’s not scribbling, it’s thoughtful.
Or perhaps heart-full? 😉
Perfection is only the summation of what we think is right and wrong.
Attempting to be perfect narrows one to the image of the perfection.
When I was young, I used to love art be it painting, drawing or sculpting but with painting and drawing, I would be too self-critical when something didn’t turn out the way I had planned, even though others would say it was good I wouldn’t allow myself to see that and eventually gave up. For some reason with sculpting the self-critic was lessened considerably and I could easily produce lifelike sculptures of people to a high standard without having had any training just the basics of how to get started. Life would be a totally different experience without the self-judgment and poisoning expectations.
The need to be perfect takes away any opportunity for us to allow a true flow in our lives, as we are always striving to be better or do something than we did before and therefore we are controlling what we do, which stops any true impulse that may otherwise have presented itself.
When we are free to express fully who we are there is perfection in the imperfection.
Love this Andrew. In the ‘trying’ to perfect we lose flow and rhythm and things become more complicated than need be.
Yes we don’t need to be perfect we just need to be true to ourselves.
“Letting Go of the Need to be Perfect” – to make space for imperfection’s beauty.
Losing the smallest piece of perfection immediately adds space.
Well before it is about perfection it is about love, and this is why perfection can not be our origin. Hence it is a deviation away from our love, our love here on earth in expression is imperfect but forever expanding.
Letting go of trying to be perfect opens us up so much more than this individuality that is there when we strive for perfection. Being aware of being a part of a bigger picture asks us to cooperate as we all have a piece of the puzzle, equally so.
So many things have been happening recently which I have considered outright wrong and despicable and I could not comprehend how they could ever be allowed to take place. Later on I have understood that although the events themselves were terrible, they were a necessary part of the overall learning offered to humanity and there for actually a deeply loving gesture to have them play out (similar to the deepening understanding and appreciation of the laws of karma).
As this realization is settling, I am brought to a huge place of humility where I can appreciate more the fact that my personal ideals and beliefs about what is ‘right’ and ‘needed’ can lack the oversight that a Soulful relationship with life holds. Instead of going for ‘perfection’ much wiser to connect to our inner heart and deepen our ability to sense what is actually needed in each and every moment and thereafter respond.
Being perfect is futile and such an illusion because who’s standards are we judging ourselves with, in the first place.
What will actually support our children more when they leave school and enter the wider world – learning how to have real meaningful relationships and a true connection with others…or remembering some facts, figures and skills? Having grown up to be an adult I know which one I would place my money on.
That fear of making mistakes, and not getting it right, is so detrimental. And I know how insidious that wanting to be right really is. It stops me from accepting, expressing and living from what I am feeling to be true – basically living the all of me.
Wanting to get it right, to not make mistakes is insidious, it is so damaging of who we are in truth.
Could the need to be perfect be nothing but an excuse we hold onto to hold us back from bringing all of who we are? Could the need to be perfect that is placed on us which we have accepted through our lack of love for self be a means of a feeling of discomfort within one’s body and to not feel the simplicity that is naturally within through reflection we strive for perfection and carry out the ill-energy of perfectionism onto another? Life is not set out to be driven by struggle and the need for getting everything right – there is no love here even though it is championed in our society.
It is interesting here how you have made the point that images of perfection can come from another place besides ourselves. And that we in fact can work very hard to achieve these images of perfection but actually if they never came from ourselves in the first place, then who are we accountable to? Who becomes the authority of our lives?
I volunteer at a local school in year 2 and already you can see some of them stressing about things they see as getting wrong or not being able to finish something.
So often people’s creativity is stultified by having the need to be perfect instilled… One of the most beautiful things about bringing music and singing back to people without this need for perfection is that it seems to open up a doorway back to what it’s like to feel that childlike interaction with life again with all its innocence
How mad it has been to hold onto a need to be right and how this has undermined and abused so many relationships. When I realise the value and magic of relationships and all that we learn alongside one another, my need to be right is insignificant.
The fact that we get looked down upon by the education system or the Arts for how we draw a line is absurd, and yet this is the society we live in, one where comparison and competition is rife and our natural expression is criticised.
Yes the greatest beauty comes from just letting things out as they naturally are without a filter. When we try to fit in and acclaimatise to our environment we totally miss the point.
There seems to be so many societal rules that say something is either right or it’s wrong. But “who says it’s not right?” to colour outside the lines or to not mix two colours together? I’d love to meet them and ask them why? Why put restrictions on the expression of a child, restrictions which they will probably carry on through into adulthood and affecting everything they do. I love encouraging children to colour where they feel to and mix up the colours to their hearts content, and in the process supporting their unique expression in every way.
It should absolutely work like this in classrooms, where students can inspire lessons and they are given the opportunity to talk about what they want to learn.
If we let in an energy that’s not us, the key is to look at why and how not beat ourselves up.
The title of this blog captures my attention “Letting Go of the Need to be Perfect”. I have a need to be perfect. This is because I’m either not honouring my feelings and truth of what I feel in my moments of expression or not accepting how simple it can be. So, I am not going for it and trusting its not just me when I do things. This may not be accepted by many but when I see the result of things and how amazing the results are I know its not just me.
Something also I am aware of is just renouncing the simplicity of letting the need to be perfect go. This helps me appreciate what I am capable of and not.
‘…it’s like carrying lots of heavy invisible baggage around that weighs us down. What would it feel like to let go of all of this?’
I really have no idea, I have been carrying around this invisible baggage for so long, as I am sure many of us have. I can only imagine that a whole new world of lightness, wonder and playfulness would open up, all we need to do is to give ourselves permission to stop trying to be perfect, as it is the little ‘imperfections’ that make us all unique.
I agree that perfection is a very heavy weight for our precious bodies to carry, a weight which most of the time we don’t even realise we are carrying as this is the way we have always lived. I was one who struggled under that invisible load for such a huge part of my life but once I made the choice to say no more, I could feel the weight begin to lift and the lightness underneath allowed me to truly breathe life again.
Letting go of things, physically, and in our bodies, is an area I am still learning, ‘when we hold onto things, we hold onto them in our body and they can stay with us for years or lifetimes, ill-affect our health and or cloud our picture of other situations or people. It’s not worth holding onto things – it’s like carrying lots of heavy invisible baggage around that weighs us down.’
It is definitely not worth hanging onto things, they weigh us down and we carry that weight everywhere we go. The joy of a child playing, not worrying about whether it’s right or wrong, good or bad, simply engrossed in their play is a reminder how we can all be with everything in life.
The notion of right and wrong is a cruel task master that makes many strive for perfection – an impossible feat in anyone’s books and bound to lead to failure and the ill thought that there is something wrong with us.
Perfection exists because we believe we mostly live in a way that is righteous – for so much of life that couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all. ” So true Anonymous, we all make different choices, because we are each of us unique. Bring understanding rather than judgement to the world we live in.
The teachers that make it about people and not the curriculum are the teachers who gel with the students, yet I also appreciate the pressure the teachers are under to fulfil an obligation to prepare them for the curriculum targets they will be assessed against. Therefore my sense is it is an education system issue that designs a curriculum that reduces who we are to fitting into a box, being able to follow without questioning and conform to a standard.
Yes in later life it is the teachers themselves who made an impression rather than the material they presented in class that people remember. Yet they are under enormous strain, as you say Lucy.
Our education system is in desperate need of a major overhaul, as is all of society; forget about the subject matters etc., education needs to be about people first and only then about the curriculum.
Funnily enough the teachers who are loved by students make it about the students and actually love their subjects so the curriculum fits around what would support them most. Don’t get me wrong, the pressure on the teachers is insane and the curriculum does not take that into account, but some teachers have found a way to keep it about people first and that really inspires me.
Our education system is in need of a big shake up, we just have to look at how the pupils are today compared with 30 plus years ago, when I was a young teacher, and it is very clear how much more the pupils are struggling now.
We are taught to follow the leader, to fall in line, to fit in and I am only now starting to see the harm it does and how it squashes children’s natural abilities.
Perfection the sought – out game of living the “best life” yet how much is lived when we are on the constant roller coaster of not feeling we are enough?
When I was a kid we didn’t have a lot of toys so we used to invent and create our own and when lego came along it didn’t come with a plan or instructions you just made what ever your imagination wanted. Today though lego comes with a picture of what to build and a set of step by step instructions and a lot of kids don’t know what to build without them. Is this another way of limiting kids, just like making them colour in inside the lines?
It is easy to see the stress and constant anxiety that perfectionism causes in other people. We are going to make ‘mistakes’ as we are not meant to be perfect, so to accept this brings a lot of ease and restores the joy of experimenting life, rather than seeking to get it ‘right’.
That explains us why the education doesn’t work when it’s based on ‘material and information’, simply because it is connection that reveals the deeper intelligence in one. And from there onward the learnings.
I am letting go of all my tensions of my school days by visiting the local primary school Year 2 and having fun meeting the children and sharing their experiments as they learn about themselves, each other and life.
Our attempts to be perfect are endless – even something simple like holding your stomach muscles in so your tummy looks lean – it’s all creating a picture that takes us away from being honest, if we just allow what is already there to just be there it’s so freeing, plus if there is a problem then we can deal with it rather than keep pretending it’s not there.
It is incredibly liberating to let go of the need to be perfect… It changes one’s life, relationships, work, creativity… Reflects on everything.
I remember getting into trouble in year 5 for colouring-in in different directions. I was colouring an ocean blue and what I should have said to the teacher, is that the ocean doesn’t flow in one direction, which is basically what I was colouring. I love the wisdom of children.. if only the education system did to.
An education system actually designed to nurture and develop children to be who they naturally are – now that would be amazing…
We no longer need to be perfect when we live from who we are, perfection falls by the wayside.
Our seeking of perfection completely undermines the innate, exquisite and incomparable beauty and power of who we already are within. This inner-quality is the complete package and our confirmation of this in our children and with ourselves is what allows us to live knowing our power, in which the need for perfection becomes obsolete.
I agree that the relationship you have with the kids is first and foremost the most important thing when you are teaching. The teachers we remember are the ones who love us for who we are, who know there is a bigger picture at play and who helped us gain a greater understanding of it. I never remember what they taught me, just how they genuinely cared and took the time to be interested in more than the subject at hand.
I remember my art teacher at school taking an instant dislike to me and basically ridiculed everything I did, maybe it was his way of trying to get the best out of me but it kind of crushed me and needless to say I didn’t take art the following year. Maybe now I should revisit it to just have fun and express.
The pressure to get it all ‘right’ is placed firmly upon us from all directions when we are very young. And yet in truth there is no right or wrong – there is just expression. When we connect to who we truly are, we realise how innately powerful we are, and have no need to strive to be someone else’s ideal of perfection.
I feel awkward just reading this as I can feel how much pressure I put on myself to get things right all the time, I can feel an anxiety in me just at the thought of getting something wrong.
Perfection is like a poisonous liquor – we drink one shot and it keeps hurting us in our liver. For years after you think you’ve let it go, you realise you’re still measuring to see if you are ‘good enough’ when you are glorious naturally.
When we drop the need to be perfect there is so much space for understanding yourself on a completely new level. I think this is due to the fact that when we aren’t trying to fit the image of ‘perfect’ (who ever made that up in the first place!) we are left to feel how we like to colour in, what colours we like, the way we like to learn, move, talk, type, write… you get the picture 😉
The need for perfection starts from an emptiness, maximizing one´s potential starts from what is already there.
Well said Alexander – know all that we are and perfection cannot even enter the equation.
Sadly, our education system does not support this premise. The thinking behind it is that we know nothing and have a 0 base line to start from when young. So yes, the school system gives us pictures of perfection that is hard to attain, stems from an emptiness and magnifies it as we work through the system.
What if, the education system had a grading system of; pass or require a little more assistance? There would be no competition, just what is next.
It is so important to let go of any idea of perfection as not only is it unattainable it is also tied up with self-identification and recognition.
Getting it ‘right’ is such a huge pressure introduced at a young age, especially in the education system. It’s such a narrow and limiting view because it doesn’t allow for who we are or the different expressions we have. Yes, we have to learn and pass tests, etc, at school but should getting it right be made so important that little kids are anxious and stressed above the joy of being who they are? It feels inhumane to place children into psychological distress. We can’t allow these things because it’s ‘just the way it is’, we should be questioning these methods of learning and calling for change.
Perfect is always subjective isn’t it – it is never the same for all. So whose picture perfect are we subscribing to and how do we find ease in our body if we are always looking and searching for something to make us something we were never intended to be?
Perfection – the attempt to be without fail and thus untouchable.
The more we hold onto the need to be perfect, the more energy we waste trying to find perfection that doesn’t exist, it is in our imperfections that we learn the most about ourselves, and that imperfection can be beautiful at the same time.
The freedom of letting go of perfection has meant that I am actually being more precise, loving and in many ways ‘perfect’ than I was when I held onto being perfect. Letting go has allowed me to embrace evolution rather than stay stuck in a not moving space.
When we drop any ‘need’ and ‘perfection’ striving, it’s amazing to feel just the spaciousness that occurs in the body.. it is a natural surrender without any trying
Without the need for perfection no ideals or pictures to hold on to, no judgement or condemnation, no atonement or justification, but space to explore and expand being who we are rather than striving to become what we are not.
Yes when we are not confirmed for our unique expression we can tend to want to be perfect in the system and get it right. This kills our true and natural expression so much that we have to constantly look at others for what we should do or how we should do things. It’s great though that we can re-learn to express from ourselves and feel what and how to do things in life.
The learning with the most ease is first from a relationship built with the teacher, if the teacher has a relationship with him/herself then this is a reflection for students and children to develop the most amazing relationship, that with ourselves.
the drive for perfectionism can be utterly paralysing and deeply debilitating for anyone. If as you say, it is made about connection first, and the space offered to learn through our mistakes and imperfections then not just children but everyone could be encouraged to open up and express more of themselves – and this is how we all truly grow.
If we make all our relationships about the quality of connection we have with another the harmony that is created can allow for many positive outcomes and achievements in life.
I’ve had a perfect opportunity to drop the need for perfection recently by starting a new job with a new company. When you don’t know anything in a practical sense you need to be very humble and open to learning. Doing it perfectly doesn’t come into it! Staying with myself and having a go has been all that I can do. It’s a great learning for remembering my true worth and value.
How boring would life be if we were all perfect? For one, would we need to be here? Would we die out, because there would be no need to create more of us? Being imperfect is what makes life interesting and allows us to evolve!
The most fulfilling and powerful experiences embodied are those where there are mistakes and mishaps and where I have learned from my body a choice that truly supports me for life.
Imagine life without the consciousness of wrong and right dictating our lives. Instead we would just be having different experiences (picture free) and feeling the flow and movement of energy. We could then respond instead of react.
I can really feel the control that comes in when I am wanting things to be perfect. In this I totally stop any flow and multidimensionality and the focus becomes the picture of how I want it to be or a certain way. It feels so freeing when I let go if that and allow what ever that needs to be be.
I have learned it’s not worth holding onto things, I was doing so and it affected my body causing illness, and now having let go I can see how much it was clouding how I was being in the world. The more I let go the more I am able to be me and express freely from this.
The need to be perfect is what holds us back from expressing all we are with out the fear conditioning and beliefs . The freedom and space that comes from letting this go being met and our relationship with ourselves and others is what counts in our life in all areas and brings a joy, flow and harmony to the world.
Yes, there is so much we hold back from saying and doing because we worry about how it will be received or perceived. What a waste when we could simply express from the space we hold in and with ourselves.
The need to be perfect sets us up to fail and so we continue to seek perfection… not realising there is no such thing as perfection.
What is perfection? It is simply life succeeding to become a picture; an image that is everything for us. When is not intended to bring awareness to others through our expression, perfectionism a movement of reducing life and everything to a point. The perfection can only be micro if it is in sync with the macro perfection.
Should an art class not be there to give back the freedom to express form your inner most, that fiery impulses that connects us with the art and the precision of the universe?
School sometimes is like the army, obedience to the teacher, you have to follow up the rules, the teacher has it always right and so on and absolutely no place for that unique expression every child comes with.
I was participating in a swim session recently and because we were in the water it is much easier to see what happens to the flow of the water when we move in a certain way. And so when we are more aware of our thoughts and how these configure the way we will move then surely we have a responsibility to society not to hold on to these thoughts in our bodies as they do and will affect how we are with everyone we meet.
Seeing how this plays out in water is then no different to when we are out of water. Somehow we don’t feel that the atmosphere we live in is the same as being in water but it is. For example when a car speeds past us we can feel the wake of the energy it leaves behind. When the wind blows we can see and feel the affect this has on us and the local environment. If this was taught as part of the school curriculum we would be much more aware and responsible for the way we moved throughout our day.
With this behaviour of not trying in case we get it wrong, we never achieve our potential because we put a lid on it before we find out how it can develop. Knowing there is no right or wrong and no perfection helps to release us from that pattern.
Its great when we can accept our imperfections it gives us permission to just be. I realised this the other day and felt my body let go of so much I had been holding onto and was not aware of.
Perfection prevents acceptance and appreciation, stops experimentation and locks down change. It’s anti life and poisons us and has no place in our day to day.
It is perfect to be imperfect as only then can we be the fullness of who we are.
So true Alexander… and it is through the imperfection that we can learn so much.
Wow so beautifully expressed, I resonate with you 100%. I often tell my kids that they need not be perfect, all they need to be is nice.
Having spent most of my life in a perpetual state of anxiety about making mistakes and therefore being rejected, I can now see that this was a set up to keep me from being powerful and taking responsibility for what I can bring to the world.
I do know that too Janet, that anxiety to make mistakes. It is such a falsity as only by trying and making mistakes we truly learn. That said, the anxiousness of making mistakes does keep us small and makes us to not try things in life and with that we do not learn what it is to be as a free person experimenting what life could be when we allow our inspiration to guide us.
We equate mistakes as doing something wrong, rather than seeing them as opportunities to learn from. When we see life as one big opportunity we can then let go of the need to be perfect and get everything right.
“This is what lasts with the kids –the connection and relationship we build with them first” – yes, and it is what lasts with us all too as all human beings; connection being everything to us all.
When we have a lot of anxiety we are tempted to try and avoid all possible triggers for the anxiety like making a mistake. It may be useful to find the cause of the anxiety and deal with that. This may then reduce or eliminate the need for the anxiety-management behaviour.
If I don’t have to fit a picture or ideal or follow some rule or belief there is space to be me. Even so there is a natural rhythm and flow to which I belong and obedience to which requires no forced discipline just an alignment.
The belief systems we run and the hurts we hold onto in our bodies, will colour our way of living.
The inner child has to be nurtured with self-love and disciplines so we can learn what it is like to give free-reign to our Soul and from this Joy-full space others get an understanding that our reflection with this deepening “connection and relationship we build with” our-selves is then available to everyone. As is being shared for us to be with others in a Loving way “how everything we do and say affects people, including ourselves.”
Perfection is how we choose to percieve things – temporal society wants a child to colour within the lines and then labels this as being perfect when it lies inside those given boundaries, but divine perfection sees the colour the child has chosen and the shape that the child has drawn outside of the boundaries as the perfection in expression (nothing to do with colouring inside the lines). Which perfection do you choose – the one that appears to tick the box, or the one that allows the child to be and supports their natural expression.
Perfection in our physical world is an illusion and a picture we can get very much caught up in. However, it does not have to be this way – we can learn that there is no perfection in the physical and hence no need to chase this and hence we can be more free to focus on the one and only perfection that can be in life, which is the quality of expression where the perfection of expression is simply our alignment to our essence and expressing from there.
‘Perfection’ is a poison that stops us truly expressing and simply being our amazing selves.
Needing to be perfect does us so much damage. Much better to spend our energy and time focusing on the present moment and enjoying it!
Every time I read the title of this blog my body settles with the permission that is being offered.
There is no end as to what can affect us if we choose to let it, and then how long that has an impact on our bodies if we dont address it with true healing.
Perfection and getting things ‘right’ is the greatest excuse to avoid ourselves, in other words … avoiding connection, avoiding stillness.
Yes, it is a way of managing ourselves rather than being ourselves.
It is great to let go of any ‘need’ as there is an intense energy that comes with ‘need’ so the need to be perfect is super tense as perfection is an unreal, unattainable goal to set oneself. Perfection driven by need is a recipe for a very high strung nervy disaster.
“Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all” – We can’t judge other people for what they choose either just because ‘we don’t like it’… That person is always coming from somewhere, and it’s important to understand where they are at, their purpose and choices which may be different to our own.
Children carry so much wisdom and then they observe everything. If we try to mould them into something we want them to be then we lose the truth of who they are.
Perfection puts us in a constant state of competition and comparison – both of which are killers of true relationship.
Because we have such an active imagination perfect can nearly always be just out of reach so we can sabotage our enjoyment of what is.
I am becoming aware of how much of what we hold onto affects us in all areas of our lives, so this picture of perfections stifles and controls us. Right and wrong was instilled in me from a very young age, and has affected my choices in many areas, letting that and perfection go is very liberating.
With no need to be perfect or fit any image we are actually very open to learning anything as there is no right or wrong, good or bad that wants us to reduce to being less than who we are and thus we can express as who we are in what we do and it will always be unique in expression without necessarily being very skilled or talented.
The attachment to right and wrong drives the picture of perfection. When we realise there is no such thing as right and wrong, then the world can open to the understanding of truth.
How imposing is it when we teach a child to colour between the lines and compliment them for it, I could feel the restriction in my body especially when you wrote about the love for a colour and sharing this joy and love by colouring it all over the paper. And our education system is full of rules and protocols of basically how to learn to fit in and not let the love and joy we innately are flow and grow. To open up and consider ‘Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all.’ would be already a great start.
‘What happens if you want to colour in in every direction possible, – up, down, left, right, front to back, back to front, only to be told you can’t, it’s ‘not right’?’ – It teaches us to shut down our true expression.
‘We need to be aware of the impact of our words and actions…’ there is an invitation and responsibility here. The invitation is to come into relationship with ourselves and be present in every moment and the responsibility comes naturally afterwards as we are aware of what we are saying and doing and can therefore take responsibility for the impact we have.
Knowing the impact our actions have and live accordingly is huge.
The need or striving for perfection is motivated by a deeper need we should be aware and take care of so that the whole concept of perfection loses its foundation and becomes irrelevant. Quite often we will find a combination of judgement, lack of self-worth and the need for safety, protection or control as the underlying cause for perfection and obviously perfection, even if it could be achieved, cannot really address these needs.
How can we support a child to be themselves when our movements are controlling? It’s not about the school looking good or the teachers need for recognition from others but allowing and supporting the child to express with no judgement. The moment we judge a child for what they say or do we impose and can interfere with their learning actually harming them instead of encouraging and supporting them to have fun and be themselves.
Where does this need for perfection come from? Perhaps from not connecting with the fact that we are innately perfect and the more we claim this the less we will need things external from us to be perfect.
Very true Elizabeth… and seeking external perfection is a great distraction from connecting within.
If our actions and choices are lovingly observed we can learn. But when we indulge in blame and anger we stunt ourselves from growing.
Wise words Joseph – and the consequence is either evolution or involution.
To let go of perfection we need to let go of pictures, ie. the need of something to be what we want it to be and instead to be open to whatever comes along our way next and take it for what it is.
There is a surrender, humility and letting go here that is very brilliant and beautiful. A true going with the flow.
I loved when I started to let go of needing to be perfect and instead embraced learning and developing with each moment. The ease I feel in my body is priceless.
Well said David – the pressure we put on our bodies to be ‘perfect’ is ridiculous and creates an unnecessary tension in our entire being.
It is very difficult to keep our natural curiousity and love of learning when we experience a sense of failure or shame if we make a mistake or do it differently than others.
The seed of doubt and shame is very early planted into our way of being, the mere fact that we applause some and ignore other actions, that we put focus on what a child can do and achieve, sets us up to never feel adequate just the way we are.
Relationships first, the foundation of everything we do, anything less is superficial, crumbles and will not stand the test of time. Make it about relationships and we have meaning, connection and true purpose.
“We continued the conversation about her experience of art classes at school; not being able to draw the perfect straight line like the teachers or other kids, or getting into trouble for not getting it right etc.” I can so relate to this and can remember when I was colouring in, how careful I was NOT to go outside the lines for fear of getting it wrong. But as you say, who is to say what is right and wrong when all we want to do as children is to express ourselves.
I can absolutely relate to this and am shocked how much the impact of criticism from school and as a child has stayed with me as a belief for most of my adult life and although I’m starting to shift these beliefs they are well ingrained so it is taking a while unravel what I have held onto.
The need to be perfect cannot be without a picture or ideal we think we have to comply with, i.e. not before we compare and judge ourselves the need for perfection can arise. Hence becoming aware of the comparison, expectations and judgements helps to set ourselves free from perfection that only is sought to make up for the lack of self-acceptance we allowed in the first place.
Perfection can seep into every corner of our lives without us even realising its there. But when we do become aware of it, and start to let it go, it becomes clear as to how much of a burden it is, and how exhausting.
Perfection is big for me and is not something I’ve allowed myself to truly feel, I can feel how much of a burden it is and how it leaves me feeling anxious as I never live up to the perfectionism I hold and so yes therefore I leave myself feeling exhausted.
Kids are so much more responsive when they feel secure in their expression. Appreciate them in any and every way for them to feel this and from there learning is incredible. Teachers need to know their responsibility of being this secure foundation for the children by example.
I am not a teacher but work in community services and I too make work firstly about connection and relationships and I observe constantly the miracles that happen from here.
We can try to be perfect by doing things ‘right’, or we can know that in our essence we are naturally perfect before we try to ‘do’ anything. If we are connected to our essence does it matter what we do and how ‘perfect’ it is?
‘It’s not worth holding onto things – it’s like carrying lots of heavy invisible baggage around that weighs us down’. If life feels complicated and hard, then it’s possible we are holding onto past hurts, which takes up space in our bodies, and fogs our perspective and vision, and our decisions. Much simpler to drop the baggage.
There is nothing in nature that is perfect! There can be symmetry, but even these patterns are unique, like snowflakes. Could it be, it is in our nature, to think, we can improve something that never needed fixing?
Super cool question, Steve. We rush around trying to fix something (ourselves) that is perfectly imperfect just the way it is.
Needing things to be a certain way and not being open to other people’s interpretations and expressions is very limiting and I have felt this in my own body as a real constriction in my abdomen and chest area, showing me that it is also self-harming to be this way and holds others back from being themselves as well as instilling doubt in another person.
Perfection is like a boxing match we put ourselves in – and there’s no way we’ll step out of the ring a winner. When we find out we’ve made a mistake or fallen down the last thing in the world we need is to be beaten.
An amazing sharing of life and the perfection we put onto things and the holding on in our bodies and restrictions this brings “when we hold onto things, we hold onto them in our body and they can stay with us for years or lifetimes, ill-affect our health and or cloud our picture of other situations or people.”so true and what a freedom to let go heal and bring a simplicity freedom and joy to our lives.
There are many things in life that need to be almost perfect. When we are small learning the stove is hot is a good one and parallel parking your car is another. Being precise and accurate always has a tolerance because perfect is one use only item.
To allow people to express themselves as they feel to, and have fun doing it without any judgement, is a golden gift to be lovingly held in this way by another.
“It’s not worth holding onto things ” yes I agree, when we hold onto things we are creating a poison in our body, as that holding on is being buried deeper within.
It is so ingrained in me to do things a certain way and for it to be perfect it but pretending that I don’t care or notice. Actually it really matters. But what I have come to understand, its not about things being done a certain way its about the way it gets done, what type of energy and does it have a openness and a flow with it. This is what I like to feel and be obedient to and I love it when I am. Others can be where they are. With it open to flow there is always evolution involved so there is never on fixed point so perfect doesn’t even exist.
With perfection there’s a rigidity and control that is so unnatural. There’s also a sense of crushing: anything not perfect is rejected. Allowing the imperfections in life, in ourselves and in others offers us the space to learn and grow, and appreciate and enjoy the process.
Reading this I’m seeing more how I hold back on things for fear of not being perfect or doing a good enough job when actually the learning process of doing things is what rewards us and keeps us from stagnation.
It seems a paradox that we tell people to be creative, but often within the rules. Expression is expression and should be appreciated and celebrated, not shut down and dismissed.
We should allow true expression, by celebrating and appreciating and not shutting it down.
If you focus on perfection you will never be content with what you have done.
I am living more the concept that ‘I did what I could and it was enough’.
‘like telling someone they can’t wear two colours together because you don’t like it, like black and navy blue, yet I love wearing them together.’ – How often do we judge others by their so called lack of taste, rather than celebrating the fact that they have a completely different and unique expression?
I so very much agree Eva, it is actually quite ridiculous to judge somebody by their taste with all the different styles, forms and colours there are. It is the expression that counts and how true it is in our own unique way, never just the outer appearance.
True Eva, why would we judge, to compare and to make ourselves feel better?
Relationship and connection first, there is no right or wrong, just expression… and then everything flows from there.
I agree Jenny when we make it about relationship and connection, the expression and everything else just flows, there is no trying needed.
What is true for one person is not true for all, so the dogmatic person who knows right and wrong can be very imposing on us. I love how this expression considers everyone as equal, with an equal voice for themselves.
We don’t need to be perfect but we do need to read what’s going on, and how we feel, otherwise life needs to deliver the same lesson, again and again.
The quality of relationship that we have had with a teacher/s can last a lifetime in a truly positive way.
Yes it can. And this is a point of inspiration and gorgeous responsibility for teachers… appreciating the impact we can have and realising that this can be in the smallest gesture, meeting and/or acknowledgement.
The title of this blog gives so much away about perfectionism. ‘Letting Go of the Need to be Perfect’ I’ve found that when we have a need, we are often willing to overlook all manner of things, and put ourselves into a course of action that is detrimental to our integrity and own health, can introduce complication and take us off course. To look at what that need is, naturally heals the ideal of perfectionism.
I know a young girl, six years old, who loves to perform songs for her family, yet she isn’t yet able to sing in tune. Long may she continue to have fun and enjoy her voice and have no worries about being able to sing ‘perfectly’. How many of us got crushed from young for not getting something right and have tried to be perfect in one area or another ever since? We are human. Perfection isn’t possible. Accepting our imperfections makes life less of a struggle for such individuals.
And frees us to get on with simply being perfectly imperfectly us.
Doing tick box exercises in order to make things look good results in good nice perfectionist people but then often without any enthusiasm or joie de vivre.
You are so right! Our words and actions can affect people for the rest of their lives. Proverbs 15:23 says, “A man rejoices in giving the right answer, and a word spoken at the right time – how good it is!” It’s wonderful that you truly care about how you communicate with children.
Such a beautiful way of teaching, connection with the kids first and foremost, having fun, preparing the children to be open to learning and enjoying their school time.
I agree, preparing children to enjoy their school time should be the main priority in the education system.
I agree this is a beautiful way of teaching and engaging the kids, bringing their true connection and expression to service.
The need to be perfect totally keeps us from the enjoyment and connection we would otherwise get to experience
When we let go of the need to be perfect we drop an ideal and allow the space to be ourselves.
There is a feeling of expansion that allows us to be our selves, when we let go of the need to be perfect.
Such an important point how kids are terrified of making a mistake and how then this just continues in to their adult life. No wonder anxiousness is a epidemic worldwide.
Natalie such a fundamental point that you raise here, how is it that we (kids) get terrified to make mistakes and as a result, we lie or live the rest of our lives lying to cover up what we deem is a mistake when in fact we could be embracing and evolving?
Letting-go of perfection is like letting go of a tonne of bricks that is ‘invisibly’ loaded on the body. Swap trying with self-acceptance, and the body feels immediately lighter.
It is such a weight off your shoulders when you let go of perfection.
Absoutley Amita. And the more we let go the more simple and joyful life becomes.
“One of the most beautiful things to do is allow children to express the same topic in the way they feel to and be blessed by and enjoy each expression.” Absolutely. To celebrate the expression of every child is to celebrate who they are, and not what they do or how they do it.
There is a lot of fun to be had and wisdom to be shared when we offer opportunities for expression, free from any constraints, ‘shoulds’ or rules. I am constantly humbled by what young people say/write/draw… natural philosophers and seers of what is going on.
Once you see just how much true expression is stifled in our societies it is quite an eye opener. There is a huge power in true expression and a reason why it has been so controlled and corrupted.
There is absolutely no one that any of us knows who is perfect yet we keep striving to be the one who achieves it. Is this not the definition of utter madness?
Brilliant, Elizabeth. The ultimate in madness, setting ourselves up to achieve what we know is unachievable.
The need to be perfect sets us up for failure, disappointment and delay taking us away from being true.
As a recovering perfectionist, perfect for me has become more and more implausible as I accept and enjoy my own qualities and the opportunity to express, even if it means ‘making a mistake’, which is in fact simply the opportunity to get to know myself even more deeply.
Well said Rosanna – learning to accept our own ‘mistakes’ is massive and it opens up a whole world of understanding and appreciation of ourselves and consequently of others.
I find with perfectionism comes the need and wanting to be right. The problem is this means another is wrong and so the power struggle inevitably follows. Whereas when we bring everything back to energy we see right and wrong are simply the same and neither are love.
“We need to be aware of the impact of our words and actions … everything we do and say affects people, including ourselves…” Often the way we feel, our self talk, self critique or judgment precedes the way we express … so the practice of ‘self-love’ which supports a deepening connection to ourselves, to our body, is beneficial, not just for ‘self’, but also for everyone.
Holding onto and living with the need to be perfect is something I have struggled with in my life but am now learning to let this go and enjoying the beauty of simply being me and expressing from there and it makes all the difference . Observing and spending time with little ones allows a freedom and appreciation for the simplicity and pleasure in everything we see or do exploring life with an openness fascination and curiosity that brings a smile and melting from within and the real joy and appreciation of life and each other.
Oh goodness, it is so time to give up the critical thoughts. Why do we do this to ourselves? If this is what we have heard from others while growing up it plays like a record in our heads over and over. Time to change the record!
The whole concept of being perfect and perfectionism plays a heavy role in keeping us down or contracted when it is used or taken on . I remember as a teen and young adult being plagued by perfectionism myself. When I now understand it doesn’t truely exist as nothing is perfect – just perfectly imperfect.
“Who says…” is a great question to ask ourselves especially around ideals and beliefs. For example… ‘Who says I’m not worthy? Who says I need to be hard, to protect myself?’ etc… all these types of questions bring us back to the fact that it has always been us who has made this choice, which is very empowering because we then see it is us who can make a different choice – one that is true for us.
Yes, everyone´s expression is unique and thus showing a facet of life that we couldn’t come up with and therefore is complementing us and adding to the bigger picture we only can recognize when we work together.
If anyone berated us with the ferocity that many of us have done most of our lives they would likely be hauled up for severe psychological abuse!
Thankfully I do a lot less of that nowadays and I cant wait for the day when this behaviour is well and truly out of my system. Carrying ideas of right and wrong, judgments, expectations of perfection as well as pictures of what this perfection looks like, are very much to do with it. As I slowly let go of these, I am far more allowing with myself, with everyone else and life in general. And life is so much sweeter.
With a need to be perfect we can easily focus on what is not working rather than appreciate what is. When we appreciate what is working we confirm to ourselves more than we realise, creating a new platform for the next step to be shown.
This is a very cool realisation. That the focus on perfect keeps us away from appreciating all that is… enjoying, learning and growing from every moment as it unfolds. Perfectionism is a real shocker for keeping us always off the mark of any acceptance.
Life consistently shows us places to innovate but while we block our ears we just see the world in terms of mistakes. It’s so not that.
So true Joseph, it is easy to just see our ‘mistakes’ and ‘failures’ and get all glum about the world but when we open ourselves up to what is truly going on we see them as opportunities to learn from and so no lomger hold ourselves in the entrapment of the past rather in the love we are and have always been.
When I read this blog again I realised that this applies to everything. I pondered on me wanting to sing for many years but told by a previous partner that I sounded like something drowning…. I hung onto this belief.
I know we all of our own expressions and one day through support from an understanding person, I will be able to sing even if it’s not on stage.
Being perfect is a consciousness we seem to get locked into and can be a hard one to break especially if we lack self-worth or lack confidence. We use “what we do well’ as a confidence boost in this scenario, seeking recognition from the outer to prop us up.
How much time and effort do we spend on achieving perfection? All of this work for something, if reached, that only lasts a moment.
So true Steve… and even in that fleeting moment it still isn’t perfect.
Yes and it’s really emotionally and physically draining.
We under estimate the power of our words and the effect they can have, especially on children as they grow up. Children have a radar for what is true and can get confused when adults are behaving badly. When we tell a child that they can’t sing in tune the child might believe the adult and stop singing for years because they don’t want to hurt anyone with their tuneless voice when in truth their singing from the heart could be healing for others and themselves also.
Yes, the adult’s need to adjust the child to be perfect is horribly imposing.
When you look at children and the way they are expressing through art at a young age usually we get to feel an honest representation on how they are feeling. So to bring in lines that they need to restrict themselves by is to ask then to not be all of who they are.
And very insidiously saying to them that the world does not want to know how they feel.
I have seen first hand how distraught and upset a child can get when a teacher takes over and controls their work or what they have been doing. This behaviour can have a long lasting impact on a child if not dealt with at the time. Therefore it is paramount that we support and encourage children to talk about their experiences at school and in life so that they do not feel crushed or capped in any way, shape or form to express what it is they feel to share. This then supports them in their development as they grow up into adults.
I was talking to a teenager who goes to a local high school. He shares that his whole class struggles with one particular teacher because they can feel that they are not met as equals, as in there is a teacher student hierarchy where there is no true connection and the students often feel separate to the teacher. We also discussed how different it would feel in class when a teacher communicate and interact with students on an equal level. When the teacher speaks to the students with respect and meet them as equals the relationship is very different and they seem to have so much more fun in class. This confirms what you’ve shared here Anonymous and I feel it is very important to the student’s education. ‘For me the joy in teaching is first and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject.’ If this was utilised in every classroom, can you imagine how much the students would love school and have more of an opportunity to thrive?
There are still pockets of the old teaching methods of the staunch authoritarian education system that had the task of ensuring students learn their foundations of the three R’s of reading writing and arithmetic, where are the other two R’s? I thought there were no dumb questions?
It is extremely freeing to understand that there is no need for perfection with anything, but rather a willingness to be all that we are with all the imperfections that we come with. There is a beautiful raw honesty when we allow others to see us without the false veneer of perfection.
Spot on Ariana, it is great to expose how perfection is the way we delay and distract ourselves from being the immense love we are.
‘For me the joy in teaching is first and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject.’ Such a beautiful way to teach both children and adults, through a connection built with each other we can experience a lightness and joy that makes learning anything simple and fun.
I am now realising how I have carried a heavy load ‘of really critical thoughts, attacking’ myself ‘from the inside out to give up?’. As I gain greater awareness i am realising that this is a choice and I no longer have to drag around this great weight – I can lighten myself up and be all of me.
I would not have said I ever aimed for perfection, but my school reports often said ‘could do better’ and that stuck with me for a long time. It is gorgeous to observe children in their unique expression without any inhibitions, drawing and painting whatever comes naturally to them.
It would seem to me that we are living from pictures of how we should be when we are driven by the need to be perfect, all the while trying to hide from the feeling that we are flawed and not good enough.
There is so much beauty in imperfection – it is perfect as it is! There is a tree on the walk I regularly take, and to me, when it was a young seedling it was a perfectly formed tree. However, over time it was vandalised – branches broken or torn off. Then one day I was walking towards it, and noticing how ‘misshapen’ it had become, the truth that nothing is perfect sunk in… and so the tree was perfect in its imperfection. It is now a very tall and sturdy tree and is left untouched.
Perfection takes us away time and time again from the innate beauty and wisdom that is within us and all around us all of the time.
I agree Paula, very well said, and perfection comes hand in hand with control and it leaves no room for growth or expansion.
It’s the connection with people that we remember the most, when we look back at an experience or time in our life: the teacher that saw who we were, the person who stood up for us or supported us in a difficult time, a conversation that we just needed to have, with that particular person, at that particular time. We have made life about function, to the detriment of us all – but it doesn’t have to be that way, and we all know there is so much more to life, our work and our relationships, than we have settled for, as society.
There is a giant lurking within us all that we have chosen to ignore that is larger then the vessel we move around in. How can we ignore the elephant in the room that is the amazing us that we are and then pretend is not there?
‘when asked to produce their own work, come up with ideas, not be shown by the teacher what to do step by step – many children really struggle with this. This can play out at home too, where children don’t know what to do with themselves, as in games to play or how to enjoy being on their own. When I was a child this was not the case, so something over the years has changed.’ – This seems to be the norm for todays children, whereas I remember very well how this was not the case when I grew up, on the contrary, if we did not do things on our own it simply did not happen. I feel this change and hence difference in upbringing and development, may have a great impact on these children as they step into the adult world.
I feel that needing to be perfect is an internal dialog that can be listened to or not – the choice comes from within.
Perfection will either lead to disappointment or temporary elation – both leaving one empty of contentment.
I wonder if it is all a game, the fact that everyones idea of perfect is not who they are but some other version, different in small or very big ways from who they are – when we are constantly seeking outside ourselves for that perfection we never think to seek within for who we really are.
The light and the joy teachers like to bring to kids I find is so often crushed with bureaucracy that puts out their fire. Where does this leave the kids? Is it possible that teachers have had to become like lion tamers trying to hold back the lions from eating themselves and the kittens they are responsible for?
“This plays out in kids from a very, very, young age all the way through to our adult life”
Such an important conversation to open up; I’m in my 40’s and still i have that critical perfectionist streak that suffocates my natural flow. What i have witnessed with 3 children at school is that their expression gets squeezed by class time pressures; creative projects that are started up and joyfully engaged in but by nature of moving on to the next topic are then rushed through to completion and there is so often a disappointment at the final piece.
It’s difficult, we have grown up with ideals about how we ought to be in life. We work hard, we strive and do everything we can to achieve this picture. It takes a lot of courage and a deep level of honesty to admit that all of our pictures, every single one of our pictures is actually a lie and we ought to let it go to live in truth.
Seeking perfection actually hinders you from seeing the truth of a situation. If you start to pull over the ideals how it should have been, you are not reading the actual potential of what the situation is offering you. Who says it was non perfect? Maybe it was perfectly non perfect- exactly what you needed to experience to receive a deeper realisation?!
Space is the greatest form of love you can give someone. Within space we can connect to a much higher source than us, which allows things to come through that are for the benefit of the all and not a single person.
As a child I can still remember it dawning on me that my expression was not going to be accepted in the world as it did not tick ‘that box’ or fit into the particular ideals of those around me…. or was too full of my natural joy and playfulness for those who had already been crushed by the system, and they could not bare the reflection.
When it came to choosing a profession after school I was literally panicked by some professions (like building things where pieces need to be super precise, every angle accurate etc) as I thought you would need to be perfect, flawless or otherwise one would completely fail to do the job. Today I appreciate the imperfection, the gap in between what you are doing and the perfect result; it is often the space for the magic that could not be planned or controlled, it is the playground where some of the most essential things are happening when one is open to it, it is learning by doing or being present and open.
The more I work with young people, the more I realise the harm we all cause by imposing loveless societal standards on them from an early age, shutting down their natural exuberance and joyful expression.
The more I open my eyes and see how children are treated by school systems or their parents, how much of their vibrant joy gets suppressed and destroyed, the more I know I have the responsibility to act and live in a different way.
Yes, only by the reflection of our own livingness can we show them a different way.
I’ve noticed this behaviour in a lot of children growing up at the moment, that making a mistake or being offered guidance on how they could act differently or do an exercise next time can cause huge tantrums, where they give up or get very upset. What is it that society and us as adults are reflecting back to them that means this seems like a normal response to mistakes?
We now have a generation who have grown up with technology. Studies of young adults are now showing that many don’t have the social skills and abilities to deal with life; they can’t relate face to face, or look people in the eye, although they may communicate well via text/email; and they don’t know how to deal with any form of feedback. Is this all due to technology, or to a lack of connection to themselves and between people? And as you suggest Susie… how connected are the people around them – what are those near and dear reflecting to them?
What would life look like if we fully embodied reincarnation and the responsibility that comes with the understanding we are all equally divinely connected and it is up to us all to re-claim that essence, the esoteric who we all are?
As shared; ‘We need to be aware of the impact of our words and actions, our movements you could call them, how everything we do and say affects people, including ourselves. It is either healing or harming – there is no in-between.’
We are all responsible to deepen and to continue to deepen our connection to the divine essence that is within us all equally, otherwise we are not healing our bodies and this is obvious with all the illnesses in our society today.
I really love the art that kids produce when they are able to fully express, some of the stuff my daughter has done over the years has really blown me away. I remember as a child at school pretty much having to do stuff by the book which did make you end up not liking subjects and the fun being taken out of art.
To the woman who would have loved to be more creative without having to be perfect – it is never too late to have fun and learn new things.
It is a sad indictment of our education system when children as young as primary school age are so anxious about expressing themselves, and our teenagers are “terrified of making a mistake” and “too scared to have fun” … this should be sounding alarm bells far and wide!
I agree – what on earth is it that we are setting ourselves up to?
Great point Paula and I agree. Perhaps the reason why our society haven’t noticed these signs and alarm bells as a concern is maybe because everywhere we look we are seeing and feeling the pressure to seek perfection. It is almost like it should be normal to seek perfection but in truth it is not. Seeking perfection can come from society or more common, we tend to put this pressure on ourselves and this simply squashes joy and love very quickly.
Releasing any baggage around the need to be perfect in any area of life is so freeing and supporting others to feel this too, particularly children, is extremely valuable otherwise we will end up with a generation who are too paralysed by fear to take the risk of making a mistake.
Many times when I have chosen to drop the drive towards perfection I have ended up with less than satisfactory results. I have taken that to mean the drive for perfection is a good thing.
But what if instead of the drive to be perfect or the drive to drop the perfection, I simply take care of my life so that I am supported to feel and know what is supportive in each and ever moment.
if you are a bit slower in an area, whether it is art or manual things in general or mental activities than those around us, then we have a choice of not going there (which can be sensible) or we can simply give ourselves the time we need and to have fun in the process. It can look silly at times, especially when we do something totally new but it can still be a lot of fun.
Perfection appears to offer us something to aim for, yet all it truly does is cut us off from growth and true Love.
Perfection is a modern day plague creating a constant striving for an end point that is in fact not-existent.
Yes, it damages the process of getting to an end point no end.
That’s witty.
How we support children as they grow with letting go of any need to be perfect and simply enjoy them and the process of learning is super important, for it supports them as adults in how to work through mistakes that are made. Some we make may be full on and if we develop ways when we are younger to support ourselves through this we are providing ourselves with a true foundation of living – no matter what may happen through life.
Children generally have a beautiful sense of freedom when it comes to expressing themselves, however that may be. Its only when they get corrected that this freedom of expression starts to get stifled and more often than not, shut down resutling in adults who are afraid or reluctant to express how they truly feel.
I had a birthday gift years ago that was lunch at a 5-star restaurant that was seven course and lasted for five hours. Everything was as close to perfect as possible or was this just the standard they would not allow anything less? Life doesn’t/can’t be perfect, but that doesn’t mean we can’t set our standards of what we no longer accept in our bodies!
So true Steve… just because there is no perfection doesnt mean we let go of our standards. They are clear boundaries of what we will allow in our lives and what we won’t, which is very honouring of ourselves and others.
I think this is one of the reasons why children these days are showing symptoms of low mental wellness. They want to be free and express freely yet the system tells them they have to be something instead of them just being themselves.
‘Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all.’ – There is great level of arrogance in perfectionism.
So true Eva… I hadn’t considered this before but perfectionism does carry an arrogance, a better-than superiority over another as one strives for the perfection, however the arrogance is never satisfied because perfection doesn’t exist – which also creates a constant tension within us, a frustration of never reaching the end goal.
The connection and relationship we build with people is what counts and lasts in life and the awareness this brings a beautiful appreciation to our lives and that of everyone we meet and know.
We apply so much rigidity to life and how we think it needs to be or look, how we should be in it and it can really tear you apart trying to fit those pictures rather than being who you are.
Absolutely Rebecca… constantly striving to be something we think others want us to be destroys our connection with our truth, our inner essence and wisdom that knows exactly who we naturally are.
I agree – and it robs the world of who we really are
Yesterday, I had something to eat that I know was not supportive to my body. Usually, in this kind of scenario I would give myself a hard time and feel guilty, but I chose not to do that. Instead I gave myself some understanding as to why I ate it, refused at the first Nano second to not self-bash and feel great today. I realise it’s the self-bashing that really pummels the body, not the act of being imperfect!
True, it’s the scorpion’s sting from across the back that hurts the most; it’s the self-judgment and harsh criticism that we initially reserve for ourselves and then lash out with at others.
“I realise it’s the self-bashing that really pummels the body, not the act of being imperfect!” Yes, and this is the insidiousness of wanting to be perfect, it has us self-criticise all the time.
While we are in this human body we can never be perfect. We are here to grow and learn, so perfection is not possible. If we accept this our life is so much easier.
Until we realise the folly of perfection and how it dams our flow of life we are stuck in a eddy current and going nowhere. Without perfection in our lives, life flows.
So true Steve, the incessant need to be perfect is like a dam stopping all sense of purpose as, for myself anyway, I get caught up in pictures of how things should look like and be and so get stuck then frustrated about the way things are. Rather than seeing the beauty in the imperfection.
I think if we could truly (and I mean truly) let go of the need to be perfect, or right, or the best or whatever and embrace that making mistakes is part of being human and a crucial part of our learning – life would be a much freer unfoldment, because if we feel reserved about making a mistake we will never simply give our all and that reservation will creep into all aspects of our life.
What a different approach: build a relationship with kids and have fun first and foremost. That will foster learning and expression within them ánd ourselves as adults.
I love what you’ve shared Ariana, ‘…we are perfectly imperfect..’ it makes sense and this takes the pressure off life that does not need to be there. When we accept who we are and embrace the fact that we are already amazing, then it is very difficult to not be super gentle and loving towards ourselves and others.
Even if you achieved ‘perfection’ one day surely it would no longer be so the next as it would no longer have the same relationship with everything else in unless it was to change.
Perfectionism stifles loving expression.
And, leaves no room for evolution!
I love watching children learn when they have no inhibitions or worries about getting things ‘wrong’. It returns us to giving ourselves permission to do something and not be concerned about the outcome.
I’m finding that life is for learning and making mistakes is part of it. Accepting myself, and the choices I make as part of the learning helps me to let go of perfection.
Over the past few days I have let go of needing to be perfect in the way of being on time, getting everything done, reading every email, and staying on top of things in my usual controlling way. The wonderful thing is that everything has got done, I have not arrived late anywhere, and I am informed enough to do a good job. The extra wonderful thing is that I am not harming my body by being in my usual level of stress. There is more of an ease and acceptance, and I am less tired. I feel more joy.
Striving for perfect is baling out a sinking boat with a small cup that the effort required never ends.
When we are little art is such a joy. We don’t know the rules on how things should look, and we make things just for the enjoyment of it. Art is one of the activities of life where we can start to learn the adult art of comparison – not appreciating the way we express and seeing our final product as more or less than others. Bring back to joy of childhood I say!
Adults could definitely benefit greatly from connecting more to their inner child and their natural innate joy.
Well said Ariana – none of us can escape the school of life.
‘I have learnt much from children and teenagers I teach over the years; they come up with some incredible things that I often would never think of and I say “Wow, I love that! Can I use that in another lesson?” ‘ – The humbleness of this important sharing is deeply felt.
I am finding one of the tricks to breaking the grip and shadow that perfectionism has over me is having the willingness and transparency to learn from my mistakes.
Beautiful Suse, deeply wise words. I have been so much more open to learning from my mistakes when I am super honest and transparent. And, if we consider mistakes as an opportunity to learn, then it will not cap or stunt our evolution but can be an opportunity for acceleration.
Sometimes we need to get very unwell in order to heal. Perfectionism leaves no allowance for this process to take place but puts us in a ‘wellness rat race’ where we pursue being healthy but have no room for the truth. How healthy is that?
“For me the joy in teaching is first and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject.” How wonderful would be applying this for every interaction that we have along the day. When there is a purpose and the connection between people is there every subject or skill to be learned feels more rich and light. Learning in this way is a very fullfilling experience, very far away of the exhausting trying to do it perfect but with the openess to truly learn. Very cool, thank you
What is the reflection of ‘prefect’ is it good enough or better? Both are as bad as each other! When we live life to its fullness, there is no linear scale; it is spherical and complete.
‘We need to be aware of the impact of our words and actions, our movements you could call them, how everything we do and say affects people, including ourselves. It is either healing or harming – there is no in-between.’ A call to true responsibility.
Yes, children are super sensitive to not just the choice of words that are spoken but in the way they are expressed too … we see the consequence of unthoughtful and dismissive communication in guarded, hardened and protected adults… A cycle that can be broken simply by developing one’s own relationship with Self-Love, as this changes our own self-talk, reduces self-critique, we become more sensitive and careful of our words, actions and movements towards ourselves and naturally towards others…. in other words, with Self-Love, we do become more responsible and hence, naturally more aware of the way we communicate to others especially to children.
The need and drive for ‘perfection’ keeps us away from who we truly are, and that we are already are, and have, everything we need within us.
Yes, agree. To be shaped and guided into perfectionism is a deliberate set-up to isolate one from feeling, knowing and being confirmed that they are born already well equipped with everything.
When we allow children the space to be themselves they get a foundation of their own truth and rather than crush that foundation we should all be working to help build and deepen that foundation.
There is a great deal of self-acceptance and settlement felt within the body, in the process of ‘letting-go’, particularly letting-go of the need to be perfect, where really, perfection is found in being imperfect.
Letting go of the need to be perfect is letting go of control. We have ideas and ideals that we try to live up to. If we let go of these we can give ourselves a chance to naturally be, and express in our natural way.
I agree Rebecca, perfection does feel like control and control comes in when we have chosen to step away from our connection to God’s love.
This being told to stay within the lines thing could be applied to all of life. From very young we can all feel the tension between simply expressing who we naturally are and what the world tells us we should be or express. So for me my life has been all about gradually identifying and letting go of all the ways that the world is telling me to stick within the lines and accepting and allowing myself to be all of me and express this freely without hesitation, doubt or inhibition in the world. Slowly bit by bit this is happening and it feels so liberating to do so!
Children feel the expectations on them from the outside world and then hesitate before expressing what they feel whilst they learn to calibrate what they want to express to try and make it fit those expectations. Providing space without expectations of children allows them the opportunity to express freely and to offer a reflection of being uninhibited in doing so.
‘One of the most beautiful things to do is allow children to express the same topic in the way they feel to and be blessed by and enjoy each expression.’ This is so beautiful. It really shows me how precious each one of us is – that life is so much less when even just one of us feels we can’t contribute because what we have to say is less. It exposes the nonsense that comparison and competition are.
I had closed off my joy in studying as a child because the impact of studying for an exam was huge on me. I had to be a perfect student, but it felt like it asked me to be anything but myself and I hated it but found no way out. I studied for an exam recently and those thoughts of perfection and getting it right all returned. No matter how much time I devoted to studying—I didn’t have a lot of time and I resisted having a lot of time actually, because it felt awful to cramp things into my body. It stressed me out to be feeling lost in the system. I was very tired. So I chose a different way and went to the exam confident with as much as possible presence with myself. I answered the questions with surety no matter whether they are correct or not. I even enjoyed taking the exam believe it or not. Took the care and answered from my body. But I failed the exam.
To then keep returning to the reminder that my worth is not dependent on whether I pass or not, I feel stronger. To call out the fact that so easily I drop into the black hole of thinking I am more when I pass, and less when I don’t, to find that to not be true. More than that, is to see through the illusion of an exam and not be sucked in in the first place, while choosing with patience, how to revert and re-imprint those steps of how I lived when I was a child, I so appreciate the opportunity to do this again, to choose differently now as an adult.
I wonder if we can ever really get rid of the need for perfection, in all and absolutely every single one of its ways? Because I wonder if perfection itself is a word that describes more than just the relationship we can have with the world around us, but also an internal pressure that is criticising and judgmental?
It’s like the need to be perfect is the antidote to not feeling our hurts. If we have everything in control and a certain order then we know exactly where we stand. On a platform that is based of denial and hurt. What if we seemed supported to heal our hurts, what if we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable. What if life could be a different way. That’s what I love about Serge Benhayon as he shares openly how it can actually be different and that we have a choice as to which energy we are aligning to.
This calls for a move away from a measurement of worth from what we do and a return to an innate knowing in us all our worth from being just all we are. This must start somewhere. Currently those who do not promote this in children are doing so as it was not this way for them either. Children who are supported to know their worth for who they are will naturally support the same in others.
I really love this blog as it highlights what usually happens at school and opens up a new and simple way to teach every subject. Connecting with kids first and then everything flows. No need of perfection or fitting on any ideal, just allowing everyone to be and explore their richness whlle learning.
It seems to me that supporting others always starts with the relationship. One that sees the gold in another supports them to see the gold in themselves and know that no mistake will ever take away from them.
Being connected with the Gold within ourselves enables us to see it in another…and when this happens the magic happens. Inspiration and true support. This has been my experience and it is like knowing that is the real deal because they live what they share and that lived way is a foundation that can not be crumbled as you say by a trip, whoops or mistake.
Spot on Gyl we may as well let go of the need to be perfect as there can be no perfection in an imperfect world.
This right and wrong thing is very insidious and can be really crippling. I know for many years I did not express myself fully or freely because of a fear of getting something wrong. It still catches me out sometimes even now. Learning that we can never be wrong if we express simply who we are has changed this completely.
If we don’t need to be perfect then there is no need to control. If there is no need to control then there is only surrender. If we are truly surrendered then we are completely transparent and if we are completely transparent then we allow the light of God (our divine essence) to shine out for all the world to see. Therefore it can be said that we use the ideal of perfection to hold back our multidimensionality.
“For me the joy in teaching is first and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject.” Wow – fortunate children indeed. For so many teachers it is the other way round – and fun often comes way down the list. But if we meet each other deeply and are having fun we can learn so much easier! Makes absolute sense.
“We need to be aware of the impact of our words and actions, our movements you could call them, how everything we do and say affects people, including ourselves. It is either healing or harming – there is no in-between.” So true Anonymous, yet how many of us live with this knowing?
Needing to be perfect is such a drain, we can spend our lives in pursuit of a perfect ideal only to eventually get to destination nowhere, only to look back on the harm and complete waste of time such an ideal has had.
Nothing in nature is perfect and yet we as humans expect and seek perfection – how pointless is all the effort we put into seeking something that doesn’t even exist?!
There is little fun and joy in controlling others rather we seek to allay our own fears and need for certainty.
“I have seen kids come into first year at high school terrified of making a mistake, too scared to have fun, or very young kids in primary school, really anxious about messing up, ready to bin something for the tiniest of mistakes.” It’s horrible to see and hear this, its like we’ve chosen as a society to not value people who grow, develop and don’t always get things right. It’s a great reminder to look at how we raise our children.
Our ideas about right and wrong can develop into the most rigid boundaries that cage us in and prevent us exploring further and learning from mistakes.
It begs the questions as to who sets these standards in the first place? Do they arise from a drive to better our selves in the outside world at the expense of our natural inner evolution?
I loved colouring inside the lines as a child, and looking back at it now I understand how much I satisfaction I got from that, and so much else that is really exposing of what was going on — the need to be perfect and recognised and affirmed, to belong, to be the best, for “my” work to be admired, to feel safe within the security of those boundaries. I realise it wasn’t “my” work but the work of a force of energy coming through me that wants me to conform and keep quiet and be “good”. This has resulted in an anxious tense body and a lack of confidence all my life.
Feeling into school it is simple to fully connect to the teachers who made school about connection first and how they made such a difference in how we understood what was being presented.
We wear perfection like a straight-jacket, restricting our true movement and expression in every way.
Trying to be perfect takes so much energy. It’s like trying to stay in control. What would happen if we let go of the control? Would we make a mess? Or would we allow the natural flow of life that we could deeply surrender to?
I have learnt much from children and teenagers I teach over the years; they come up with some incredible things that I often would never think of and I say “Wow, I love that! Can I use that in another lesson?” children have access to the same wisdom as everyone else and most often have not had time to learn to disconnect from them and so this is to be embraced and honoured rather than educated against.
The teachers I have met recently have been so stressed out, especially now in exam time, that teaching becomes a box ticking exercise rather than about connecting to the students. The whole education system is not designed to support individuals to develop their own learning method, so its feel like we need to go back to basics.
We look at art as the “expressive” subject at school, we see it as the subject where children can go in and be themselves… but in reality it’s just another classroom made out of walls.
Sometimes you can have a strong urge to be perfect but as I have discovered underneath that is a strong urge to be in control. In control so you have no space or room to feel the hurts that are deeply buried. When healing your hurts the control, protection and perfection all starts to fall away.
‘For me the joy in teaching is first and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject.’ – this seems so simple, obvious even, yet, right now, I feel you would definitely be in the minority in terms of this openly loving and fun approach to teaching, Anonymous.
Anonymous, this feels so important for all of us; ‘Letting Go of the Need to be Perfect’. I can feel the tension that this need to be perfect creates in the body. There can be a drive and a push and lack of joy with trying to get it ‘right’ and trying to get it perfect. Trying to be perfect and get it ‘right’ is not natural for us and does not allow for learning and evolution.
Education has always been rife with educational excellence. But, in the end, it is all about the paper chase stating you have completed something or a box-ticking exercise of; been there done that.
Very true Steve, and this focus on ‘educational excellence’ is always at the expense of the body.
Colouring inside the lines as a representation of how I learned to be in life in my desperate search for recognition, acceptance… love, was a futile and ill-directed attempt to find what I always carried with me. Something I am coming to know now as the very natural, innate sense of belonging and being absolutely ‘in place’ that I have when I am aware of and connected to my body and the infinite depth of relationship available here, with the all that is life.
We are all so different in our expression but instead of accepting that, we are more comfortable when things are done OUR way. This can create conflict for teachers and presenters who do not understand that everybody learns in different ways so a wide variety of methods is essential and most schools do not have the time or the resources for that.
In truth we never really make mistakes – they are lifes lessons to support us to grow and evolve… and I find my greatest lessons always bring so much understanding and wisdom.
Comparison is a killer of any true connection with ourselves and with others.
“And the fact that when we hold onto things, we hold onto them in our body and they can stay with us for years or lifetimes, ill-affect our health and or cloud our picture of other situations or people.” – This is a brilliant observation that I feel I missed after reading it the first time because I am only now ready to accept what it has to offer. Lately, whenever I have held onto something that I felt hurt by another, or have held onto something I felt to say and kept it inside without expressing it, this has felt like an unbearable tension in my body that has actually lead to behaviours that are not supportive to me and instead numbed the tension that was my body communicating to me what I was actually doing to it. Letting go of these things through allowing ourselves to read the situation fully and express openly without concern of reactions from another are key ways to avoid the ill-effects mentioned in the quote above.
‘One of the most beautiful things to do is allow children to express the same topic in the way they feel to and be blessed by and enjoy each expression’. I love this line, it allows children space without imposing our pictures of how it show be.
Oh how different my life would have been had I not allowed the impositions of ‘how I thought I should be’ to enter and control me through my mind!
I can see how most of us go to school innocent and exuberant only to discover that we feel we are being asked to shut much of our incredibleness down to fit into an ordered situation and I see how this can cause a freezing up where we stop our natural wisdom and intelligence from coming through.
To know we are loved and we are amazing before we do anything just so, is a great place to start an education. I know this would free people to stay with their exuberance for life and for sharing themselves and allow them to use and develop their own unique qualities so that when they enter the work force they are bringing all of who they are to what they do in a dynamic and very alive way instead of a person who knows how to keep themselves under wraps and bring mainly just the skills learned or memorized.
Connection and relationship are the most important, longest-lasting things we can have with ourselves, each other and so significantly all the children we live, meet and work with.
Children have such a beautiful way of expressing with honesty whether through drawing or words. Sometimes they can be embarrassing to adults, and be curbed to be politically correct, but they mean no offence, they are expressing what they see. It is far better to allow everyone their true expression.
It can be easy to overlook the some of the longer lasting effects of what we have experienced and chosen in life when we think the time has passed, even though they remain in our body for us to learn from.
All anyone truly wants is true connection.
I love not having to be perfect, it eliminates all that trying
I agree Carmel… and the trying is hard work and exhausting as well. Our bodies give a huge sigh of relief when we stop all the trying and let go of needing to be perfect.
Yes and it opens me up to acceptance and appreciation, as I understand the perfectness of our imperfection.
I am currently writing assignments for a university course that I am doing and it can be so easy to slip into wanting to deliver something that is ‘perfect’. Perfectionist comes from a lack of self worth and is totally destructive.
I agree, Elizabeth, it can be crippling to measure ourselves against others or by academic intelligence markers.
Young children have so much to teach us if we are willing to listen and learn from them, the problem is many adults are so stuck in the belief that kids are to be ‘seen but not heard’. So undermining of great wisdom.
The strive for perfection will never allow for a true settlement within oneself, it is a constant forward movement that pulls us away from ourselves instead allowing us to settle within and deepen our connection to ourselves.
One of the most disempowering and reducing things we can think about ourselves is that it is not ok to make mistakes. I have lived most of my life on tender hooks for fear of being shown to be wrong at any given moment, and it is so freeing to finally allow myself to be a student of life, who is gradually reclaiming her connection to the deep inner wisdom we all have within.
Really accepting our mistakes as a process of learning and refining, as we do those of a child learning to walk, is the start of an honouring relationship with ourselves (this is changing everything for me).
Perfection is simply not true or possible so it is imperfect in itself.
There is only perfection in imperfection in that things can be perfectly imperfect.
You certainly are on a roll here, Nicola. What you have SO playfully pointed out is so true!
ha ha must have been perfectly pointed out 😉
Yes, Nicola, perfection is an illusion and our adherence to the notion of it being something we should attain is cruel.
Your blog reminded me that I was always told you can’t wear red and orange or orange and pink together but I always enjoy seeing people wearing this cheerful and colourful combination.
Nature doesn’t seem to pander to such rules as this colour can’t go with that one, or that it is possible to be too bright. Every part just expresses all that it is wherever it is, and what a gorgeous reflection this provides.
What a great point Golnaz – nature certainly does not pay attention to such ridiculous rules and provides a gorgeous reflection. Recently I saw some amazing photos of underwater creatures of all kind of shapes, colours and configurations that you could never even imagine and couldn’t help smiling at!
The most essential thing we can learn in life is how to love our selves and each other. Perfecting our academic skills is a rather inappropriate basis upon which to build loving relationships that will serve us for the rest of our lives, particularly as many of the things learnt in school only serve us for that period of time.
What I am finding is with the need to be perfect then I don’t allow myself the space as a Student to grow, develop and take steps forward. The more I let go of perfection the grander I become.
I too have grown up around thinking I needed to be perfect and mistakes were perceived as failures and then I’d have this internal destructive unloving dialogue with myself – truly unsupportive.
It’s only in the last few years I realised that imperfections were just the perfect thing I needed for my evolution and given what I can handle at that time and in that moment.
‘This is what lasts with the kids –the connection and relationship we build with them first.’ – ultimately this is what lasts with us all – the quality of our relationships with each other.
Which is founded on the quality of our relationship with ourselves.
This is the bedrock of living in full. Developing a deeply caring relationships with oneself is our No 1 job and it is only from that that we are able to develop deeply caring relationships with all others – the most important lesson in life we can ever learn.
‘Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all.’ – this feels particularly relevant in terms of how we welcome people from other countries and cultures into our own country where our customs may be very different. Just because something isn’t important to us, doesn’t mean that it isn’t a treasured detail for someone else and vice versa.
It is true, when you are scared to make mistakes, i.e. want to be perfect, we are robbed from the joy we otherwise naturally would be living.
What if perfection does not exist in our world of creation, as to me is a lived reality, why then tend we to strive for it? To me it is only a distraction to take us away from what is really needed, that is to complete things and to move on to the next. Hanging on to make things perfect does not bring us anywhere, it only delay’s the completion and keeps us stuck in where we are.
It just came to me that this seeking of perfection is a deviation off and away from the main road. The outplay of this is that if we get caught up in striving for perfection that can sidetrack us so much, we never get back on to the way to where we were heading – back to an ease and joy of expression of who we are in full. Ultimately the quality of life we end up enjoying depends on which way we choose each time we are faced with a fork in the road.
Sometimes as grown-ups we forget that we can learn from children and that at times we as adults don’t always know what’s best.
Anonymous, this feels key; ‘alongside allowing people the freedom to express themselves and enjoy what they make.’ If we control children and the outcome of what they should be making then this limits their natural expression and the joy that comes from this.
If we except that perfection is imposable and being imperfect ourselves makes every one of us unique, that beats being perfect, hands down every time!
There’s an art to life, where everyday is an experiment and we play, learn and celebrate what we’re shown. There’s no room for perfectionism in this frame, for when we accept everything’s here for us to learn we realise our life’s masterpiece.
Perfection is a tool used to distort natural and divine expression.
The harm done by words is actually horrific and so long term as we don’t just forget things especially things that hurt us.
Perfection can only be when we have lost sight of who are and having the innate knowing of being perfect just as we are and from that our natural expression will be exactly as it should be.
It so true you can’t have perfection because we have different expressions and love your example of having to stay within the lines. We don’t have to confided ourselves to stay within any lines and restrict who we are. Being all of us and express this in full is the only way.
Indeed Natalie, no lines please as these are not only confining our expressions but to mold us into a way of thinking and living that is measured and controlled.
Yes ‘staying within the lines’ is very symbolic on many levels especially when applied to staying within the lines that society in general has accepted to keep life ticking along in its comfortableness and not questioning the status quo. This reminds me of my mother saying ‘I’m not interested in what (friend’s name’s) parents say they can do. It is what is true for you and not just a matter of following the pack.’ Looking back I can deeply appreciate the support this gave me to remain true to myself (without expectation of perfection) and begin to establish the lines I wanted to choose for my life to follow.
The part that you share about what your mother said shows me once again that we do know, and get told possibly from many angles the true way to take. But still in spite of all the advice and suggestions it is us that makes the ultimate choice, that is to stay with ourselves or not, indeed which line to follow.
‘Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all.’ – How true. Are we humble enough to truly embody this immutable fact?
Our desire to be perfect holds us back from ever trying and from just enjoying life, mistakes and all.
Perfection kills spontaneity
We may criticise children for their poor spelling before we find out they are dyslexic and often dyslexic children are highly intelligent. Sometimes children who are weak in one area of schoolwork can excel is something more practical or creative. We all learn in different ways and the current school curriculum and way of teaching is too narrow to allow for that wide variety. Children need to feel inspired to learn, not forced.
How much anxiety is created through the need to be perfect which then intensifies the anxiety… a merry-go-round, going nowhere – a constant seeking of perfection, something that doesn’t actually exist!
Connection is so important… we were all aware at school of the teachers who really loved their job and enjoyed being with you, and those who delivered the same stuff every year without any enthusiasm for the subject or interest in the students.
When we as adults allow children to express themselves in full, we find that we are learning as much from them as they are from us.
That is so true, Janet. Children so often come out with absolute pearls of wisdom. It’s a wise adult who is open to listening to them. It certainly blows the old adage ‘Children should be seen and not heard’ out of the water.
‘Sometimes what I see, because we are so prone to telling children and people what to do, is that kids can’t think for themselves’ I have experienced this to an extreme when going from having been used to knowing what is required to meet expectations because it is clearly set out to being given more freedom to determine for myself what is required and freezing up, trying to produce something which could meet every possible expectation , which is just not possible, instead of being guided by how I feel. This is still something which can affect me today.
Expression is everything and if we seek to control that expression ultimately we lose that natural joy we hold.
True trying in itself is never in alignment to the flow of the universe. It is the opposite of what we are taught to do, we are constantly told to do our best, try hard etc rather than allowing and connecting.
This exposes there is no perfection in expression!
Wow the right and wrong and need for perfection comes from being taught this from and early age and robs us of our freedom, joy of expression and simply having fun. A beautiful sharing and understanding of who we are and the fun and responsibility we can bring in teaching our children that would change our perceptions both at school and in life onwards expansively honouring for who we are and our expression.
I agree, I think it can give children the opportunity to get to know themselves better and have more of a handle on dealing with their feelings, emotions and how they then respond to life.
Perfectionism is very stifling – it’s like it imposes an ideal that stops us from appreciating our innate sense of how or what to express and so that innate expression gets suppressed and overridden if we align with the perfection ideal.
I love showing kids how to shake off this need to be perfect, when building Lego they are confused when I say I don’t know what I am building and will just build and see what happens, though end up loving what we build together.
Crippled by perfectionism for so long and acutely aware of how it impedes the joy and natural flow of expression in those I work with, I really appreciate this article and the myths and notions it busts. Thank you. I am coming along to your class!
Yes I can really see how these messages about right and wrong that start very young can have an impact on us all the way through life.
Anonymous, reading this I can feel what control there can with children telling them to do something a certain way rather allowing their natural expression; ‘Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all. It’s a bit like telling someone they can’t wear two colours together because you don’t like it,’ I remember as a child being told I couldn’t wear pink and red together because they ‘clashed’, I didn’t really understand this at the time but just thought I was wrong for liking these colours together and followed what I was told.
The simple action of purchasing a colour-in book for a child can begin the the conditioning that there is a specific way for colouring to be done. A small contribution in a world that dictates how we are to be to be accepted.
Yes, however it develops from that point will be very telling.
It’s so important not to have expectations of ourselves that we need to be perfect. With that we can be so hard on ourselves for making mistakes (which is very human). It also means that we won’t step outside of our own comfort zones to meet more of who we are, because we are scared of the results if we slip up. Imagine putting expectations on a child when they are learning to walk or feed themselves. We never would if that was the case.
‘Many of us have had experiences like this; it may not have been in the art classroom, as perfection, hurt and comparison can play out in many areas of our life.’ – it feels like we have made life into one big competition. We compete with each other for jobs, promotions, in sport, even in relationships. With competition comes judgment, comparison, division and separation. This is the complete opposite of how we all, in truth, want to live together, which is in connection with our selves and each other, harmoniously, with integrity and love, supporting and inspiring each other so we can once again live the magnificence of who we truly are, together.
Great point Ariana and it is also an excuse to critique others which then leads to comparison and putting people down which is not at all supportive, loving or evolving.
Children learn more when they are supported to be themselves. Teachers who enjoy teaching and love connecting with the children are able to make the subject or class so much more fun and interesting. As a result children also are more able to learn, stay focused and stay interested.
Getting in trouble for reading a book upside down, which the teacher thought could not be done, but after a lot of practice it became easier than reading with the words in an up-side down way rather than the so-called right way up? The teacher was stupefied that I could actually read that way.
Much of life is like this we see things in an upside down way with no true barometer to what is true! Seeing everything is energy could it be that first the energy we are in is our first barometer to what energy is happening around us!
What a gift you bring to teaching children and allowing them to just have fun and experiment. This is a really lovely way of supporting people to not be perfect and be open to being who they are.
It’s no wonder we have an anxiety epidemic today when so many feel like they cannot measure up to what the world thinks they should be.
A willingness and acceptance of not being perfect is the perfect posture of a forever student of life.
“It’s not worth holding onto things – it’s like carrying lots of heavy invisible baggage around that weighs us down. What would it feel like to let go of all of this?” I’d had something niggling at me today and this has just reminded me; look at what went on, my part in it, and let it go.
It is something that will build foundations within that they can build upon and then inspire the next generation to live.
Agreed, I see how this striving for perfection literally kills joy – it’s a horrid vicious cycle.
I was recently with 5/6 year olds and I was putting Lego out for them to make bridges and one child said “I can’t there are no instructions”, my heart sank. Lego used to just be about a free for all expression now it’s all castles and predetermined buildings – which is a skill but it feels more important to me to allow a child to freely express and gain confidence in their skills rather than setting them up to keep looking outward to check they are doing it right to someone else’s template.
Great example Vanessa and it just shows how we can all forgo our inner wisdom and intuition and instead rely on the outside world to ‘instruct’ us how to live, rather than just feeling for ourselves what we feel is true or best for us at that time.
When was the last time you saw children with chalk drawing on the pavement freely expressing?
Yes the joy should be first and foremost. Everything after that will be a sure success. Right now we focus on the learning of subjects and what we call facts, but we miss the ingredient of joy and I think that is why many children during the school years slowly “check out” and do not want to participate in the world any longer.
So true Matts, joy is the most important ingredient to success and to life, and I’d add anything that is absent of joy it is a struggle. Hence why so many people feel that life is a struggle but it doesn’t have to be that way.
Matts I love how you mention success. Often success is based on what an outcome is. But what if success was an enjoyment of the way that you did something? I feel success is a word very much worth exploring further.
The ideals and pictures we have can be so limiting in terms of the possibility of the expanded awareness that is available to us when we tap into the inner connection to what supports us as well as the All. The fact that we are trained from young to fit our expression and imagination into a perfect picture instead of exploring and deepening our inner awareness is a tragedy that hinders many of us throughout our lives.
This is such a great question – ‘Who says it’s not right?’ We need to remind ourselves and the younger generations that our expression has value no matter what it is, and that to measure ourselves according to imposed yard sticks crushes our creativity and the joy we feel by simply being who we truly are.
Embracing and living the fact that we, and what we have to share, has value is a foundation stone that re-writes any history about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and the need to perform in a certain way to be accepted and acceptable.
How amazing it is to learn as a child that there is no such thing as perfection, but that the most important thing is for them to feel they are enough just being who they are. This is a true blessing for any child.
Totally agree with that Sandra, and when the children get that space the wisdom that can come from their mouths is priceless. Why do we need universities anyways, we could just ask the children what is needed and I suspect we would then have a society built on a whole lot more love that we have at the moment.
It is a blessing, I love reading Sunlight Ink’s book ‘I am Beauty-full Just For Being Me’. When you read it your children you can physically see their bodies drop deeper into themselves so that they let go of the pressure to be different.
Perfection is just a freeze-dried version of Heaven, an internal rich, gorgeous vibrancy and playfulness can never be reached by attempting to perfect our academic skills.
What if we could harness all of the energy we use for trying to be perfect? It would be a new source of clean energy; it would be unexhaustive, except to those producing it!
This sense of trying to be perfect can happen in any environment. I have experienced this at work when I want to get everything done efficiently and perfectly The desire to be efficient and perfect gets in the way of my relationships and connection with others. It also reaps havoc with my body as I go into a great deal of tension and drive to try to get everything done perfectly. It then causes self-doubt and feeds lack of self-worth if I don’t manage to do things in the way I would have liked. It’s very damaging.
As with everything in life, learning should be joyful and fun for children and not a serious matter which causes concern. I was listening to the radio this week and hearing how mental illness is on a steep increase in universities in the UK and can’t help but feel that these issues start much before then, whilst children are still at school. It’s important that we pay close attention to subjects such as this blog as part of a wider conversation as to what changes could be made to support everyone’s natural development as opposed to the current status quo.
Very true, Michael – our current education system as become so focussed on output and results that children have become a commodity. No wonder they dis-engage. My son recently asked me, ‘what is the point in being taught a subject (say legal studies, for example) and asked to consider what we have learnt if the school has no interest in our actual opinion? They are looking for a certain response, which they consider is the way to get the best marks. If you have an alternative, less ‘popular’ opinion, it’s not welcomed or encouraged”.
Absolutely Michael, the mental ill health starts well before in early education now, the current university students did not have SATS at year 2 or the pressure to preform academically neither did they have social media and screen time like this current generation I dread to think how bad things will be in another 10years.
I have had this experience in the past working in a kitchen when I was told that Coriander could not go in a Mediterranean dish…I thought it was so sexy to be able to personalise a recipe and giving it my own signature by adding whatever I felt like.
I was sitting waiting for an appointment and a woman sat down next to me and we got chatting. She is a teacher with 2 years to go before her retirement and this fact is her carrot that keeps her going. Too be honest she’s so worn down and has given up and I don’t blame her, the way the education system works bludgeons not only the pupil but the teachers too. So much so she felt like a robot just doing what she has been told to do irrespective of the outcome.
I love the appreciation and consideration you show for teachers in your comment, Mary. I have enormous appreciation and respect for the dedication and commitment teachers have in to wanting to support our children at school, to ignite their joy in learning. It’s an absolute travesty that the education system is not set up to support them both in this, rather, it treats everyone as a means to an end.
‘How does this then equate into everyday life when we make mistakes as we go about our day?’ – it incapacitates us and stops us from expanding, growing, evolving. It’s through our ‘mistakes’ that our greatest learning can occur. It’s our perception of what a mistake is that cripples us, we so often see it as something negative, when in truth, it’s an opportunity to understand how to do something differently that feels more true and honouring – that’s a gift.
In order to let go of any ‘need’, it comes back to us accepting and appreciating that we are already amazing, that we are already everything that we ‘need’ to be in this life and it’s about living it, living the truth of who we are.
A great point Alison, if we have everything inside that we need then there is no need to be perfect in the way we’ve seen perfection in the past.
The tragedy is that nearly everyone is living who they are not, which means that we have hardly any living yardsticks by which to measure ourselves by. Pretty much everyone has cut themselves adrift and are floating around randomly and identifying with various different transient images, pictures, ideals and beliefs. The need to be perfect is one such idea that people bring into their sights and aim for, always our imagined identities are somewhere ‘out there’ as opposed to the rock solid certainty of re-connecting back to the truth of who we all are ‘in here’.
The kids in your class are blessed to have you as their teacher. You will have set a standard with them, they will know that they are worth connecting to and with future teachers who do not have the same integrity you do hopefully they will realize they are not the problem, like many of us growing up did, but that the teacher is unable to connect with them.
If we aren’t connected to ourselves there will be no connection with another, and so many of the teachers – unlike Anonymous here – have lost connection with themselves and therefore cannot truly connect to the children. And yet, being with children, we can observe and learn so much from them and come back to ourselves in the simplest of ways.
Letting go of all our pictures, ideals and beliefs, agendas and outcomes, allows us to be who we innately are and to be able to offer what is truly needed in each moment.
Being able to freely express ourselves – with no pictures, no agenda and no outcome – is one of the most beautiful and inspirational things we can do… for ourselves and for others.
Beautiful and very honouring of children. When a connection is built first, the child is meet and knows from your reflection that they are enough.
I used to draw wobbly lines and cut material in a wiggly way and stopped many years ago because I was told I didn’t have the hand/eye coordination. There wasn’t so much support then to develop our skills but today it can be so different when children are nurtured in their upbringing and given support in their schools.
When we allow kids to freely express from the start they do not lose connection with their innate, joy, love and wisdom.
What is described here is that we put a barrier between us and our connection; to us and people, when we want to be perfect. This is an instant creation that off sets our true love, hence perfection is a need that separates us from people and then the world – an offset of our one unified light.
Babies know exactly how to express and be, we lose our ability to do what is natural because we get asked to be something else.
We all see the same things from different perspectives and therefore can each offer a unique reflection of the same point of light.
Absolutely we need to really honour this.
I myself have suffered from perfectionism and I can still see it play out in areas of my life. For example, I don’t generally look forward to cleaning because the way that I want to do is going to take a long time and a lot of effort because until every single detail is done, I feel that it isn’t complete and can then go into negative thoughts about how it should be better than that. The same goes for other areas of my life. Having let go of this tendency is something that I do appreciate as it feels so freeing to not be obsessed with getting everything 100% perfect every time. Just saying that I can feel the strain it has put my body under. What I have noticed through this process of letting the perfectionism go is that it is the active intention of replacing it with a an acceptance of and love for myself which has been the biggest support.
Miss Cooper what you have shared about ‘the strain’ that the pursuit of perfectionism puts on our bodies is absolute key. Anything that puts our body under strain is an impost from the outside and needs to be identified as such and then discarded.
“Letting Go of the Need to be Perfect” – is understanding that it’s ok to make a mistake knowing that nothing is ever a mistake for the evolutionary learning that that choice brings. Bring on the “mistakes”!
Yes, connection and relationship are really the only necessary ingredients in education as we are then supported to embrace our natural impulse to learn and grow.
Our drive for perfection shows us that we do know what divine order is, but have failed to grasp it within our selves so therefore seek to mimic instead. What a God send it is, quite literally, to realize we are an intricate part of this divine order and so life is not about perfection but connection, harmony and love.
I love it Ariana so true if we were perfect then what would be the point in being here? Rather knowing we can forever deepen our love and are forever students opens us up to what is really on offer rather than keeping it all to the pure physical human life we so often deceive ourselves into thinking it is all there is.
Anonymous, I can feel how controlling we can be as adults towards children’s expression, wanting them to fit into a box, for example with colouring in in the lines and for pictures to look a certain way; ‘What happens if you want to colour in in every direction possible, – up, down, left, right, front to back, back to front, only to be told you can’t, it’s ‘not right’?
Where is experiencing life as it unfolds before us if we employ the narrowness of perfection?
‘Do we have a self-barrage of really critical thoughts, attacking ourselves from the inside out to give up?’ The onslaught of critical or negative thoughts can be so familiar to us that we are not aware that these thoughts are playing out, we have come to accept them as normal and even when we are aware they can be in some way comforting that we do not stop to do anything about them. We almost enjoy the self bashing because we are lacking our own self worth. We need to educate children from a young age that their own unique expression matters and that having a ‘whoops’ moment is just part of life’s rich learning.
I have often been blown away by the true expression shown in children’s art, things may not be in any sort or proportion or perspective but the beauty is there for all to see.
Perfection creates tunnel vision as opposed to allowing our selves to receive the infinite possibilities on offer by choosing to keep our eyes, ears and hearts open to receiving this infinite wisdom.
Something I have noticed about many young kids these days is just how self-critical they can be and how much they put themselves down in a self-deprecating way as if they are not good enough. This comes out during activities like art when they are in comparison with other kids who may have more natural skills with say drawing something that looks more realistic, but we need to share with our children just how important and valuable each expression is, and how getting into comparison and jealousy only fuels the fire of self-doubt and lack of self worth.
Comparison and Jealousy are real killers and can be some of the most divisive things we can get caught up into and once we are in them I find it can be easy to find myself or others doing things we otherwise would never have dreamt of doing. The words that can come out of our mouths can then be very crippling and can have a massive effect and impact on others.
Absolutely. Supporting a child to appreciate the joy of something like art and to connect with how they are feeling when they are in the activity of it could support them in so many ways – mainly to share that it is not what you are doing but the quality you are doing it in. A piece of paper that communicates fun, abundance, joy and lightness but is messy and incoherent to me, is far more gorgeous to look at than someone who has striven for perfection but has done the work in frustration (or any other emotion).
‘One of the most beautiful things to do is allow children to express the same topic in the way they feel to and be blessed by and enjoy each expression.’ – How amazing it will be when this is truly reflected in our education system. Where children are encouraged and supported to express from their heart, where we learn from each other, appreciate and build on the magic in each contribution – rather than the largely one dimensional rote learning that is forced fed today.
Same here Elizabeth, I can very much relate to what you’ve shared. Also, when we are seeking perfection with ourselves, we also put pressure on people around us to be perfect too, it creates a Lot of tension because it is pretty much impossible to squeeze people into a box that we think is perfection.
Seeking perfection is a form control and when we apply control in teaching children or in parenting it doesn’t support them to learn and grow. It takes the power away from children to think for themselves, it can take away their self-confidence and ability to trust themselves. I notice how damaging this can be for children’s sense of self-worth and confidence. To let go of seeking perfection and to let go of control is hugely supportive for everyone, it is less stressful and more enjoyable for both teachers and students.
Expressing what is true for us is so important because what is not expressed is held in our bodies and affects the flow of harmony within – we are born to express.
When we do not express what we feel we hold onto it in our bodies and it feels very draining and if we expressed for ourselves what we truly felt then children would naturally learn that is is safe for them to do the same.
I love this blog. Today I noticed myself being freer with saying what I felt to say and being playful and it felt so nice. It revealed to me how tight and tensed I have been in my expression by what I thought was right or wrong to say in a situation instead of being myself and light. It really makes a difference to how we go about our day.
Oh I can so relate to this Lieke… it is something I am becoming more and more aware of – there is such a freedom in expressing and our bodies love the release of tension because it is exhausting holding that tension! There is so much joy in expressing what we feel.
Each child has their own unique way of expressing and this needs to be fostered and supported as this is how they get to know and appreciate their expression. We are giving them permission to be themselves.
Perfection leaves no space for the unknown, surprising or unexpected hence it is limiting and reducing ourselves, others and life in general to fit the picture we need to see being fulfilled; it actually is the opposite of how life naturally works although life operates by a universal perfection that is an order of love and harmony.
Perfection is literally crippling. It distorts our perception and stops us from seeing truth.
So true Vanessa, very well said. Our world currently celebrates and award people for seeking perfection and it rewards us with recognition. Perfection is crippling humanity but so many people are in fact chasing it without realising perfection simply does not exist, and so if anyone is chasing it they could be chasing it for a very long time until they realise it is all an illusion.
Being open and appreciative of what other people have to share that we can learn from is part of what makes life a joy….”I have learnt much from children and teenagers I teach over the years; they come up with some incredible things that I often would never think of and I say “Wow, I love that! Can I use that in another lesson?” We all have our experiences and different angles to offer one another.
We all have messages from our childhood, especially those school reports that told our parents we ‘could try harder’ and I wonder if we’d all felt truly inspired we’d have done ‘better’. Schools are learning now to appreciate children but there is still an emphasis on achievement and less on quality of being.
Schools are not where they need to be in any way shape or form. We do not know what we are capable of until we bring children up knowing and connected to their innate love and wisdom.
The fence has never been so wide and most of just sit on it without the realisation that when we are on the fence we are actually choosing to not live to or full potential, so we are contributing to he mess. There is not to many who go all out to destroy everything and there are even less who choice to be divinely connected to Love the Love that being truly connected brings, so most of us are simply making choices that keep us from being who we are, fence sitting. It takes an effort to choice to be in our essence and to stay connected to that essence.
These days I see the need to be perfect as a total dis-ease in the body. When there is a settlement in the body there is no need desire to be perfect.
I am aware that in some countries the children are educated through rote learning, which means that they just get fed the information over and over until they have memorised it. This feels absolutely devastating for each child who is not encouraged to find his or her own truth and expression.
This need to be perfect and to not make mistakes or ‘stuff ups’ is a crippling way to be in life. The pressure we put on ourselves is enormous, not to mention the self-bashing we choose when mistakes are made. Extracting myself from this way of being is a work in process and giving myself more space with an allowing is a breath of fresh air.
The need to get something right and then be critical of ourselves can be extreme, even to the point of feeling embarrassed about something many years later. The feeling can be so strong that it’s as if it’s being relived and therefore still harming. This is a good indicator for us to see that we are not letting things go.
Children are so often taught to meet expectations rather than be true to expressing what they feel. I can remember this feeling of trying to meet everyone’s expectations at the same time and it felt crippling – simply being a place to express what is felt as true is freedom from this.
What a freedom it is to realize and relinquish the need to be perfect and connect to our purpose instead, so we can express all of our divine, precious and wise qualities that enrich one another’s lives in order to expand our awareness and understanding of the world we live in.
If it comes from the Heart and what we feel we can’t be wrong! The pressure on us as kids to get things right has got even worse and it seems to be from an even younger age and in a lot of schools they don’t seem to realise how import self expression in art and creativity is and that is if they have time for that when the emphasis is all on Math and Literacy.
Children are incredibly affected when we as adults impose on them what we want and what we think is right. It really does make me stop and question my behaviours in the practical activities each day of wanting my kids to get it right and in a way I want it!
When we are carrying a hurt, we carry it into all areas of our life. Even if it doesn’t present itself in an overly obvious way, it is there, none the less affecting all that we do.
No matter what other people or things tell us, there is nothing we need to do to be enough – we are Love, so let’s approach ourselves this way with super tender care and appreciation as we go about our day.
Rather than the love-filled acceptance and appreciation of the truth that we have it all already.
When you look at the state of the world and the way we are living with each other, it seems to me that very, very few of us are in any position to claim ‘right’ or ‘wrong’!
Knowing how to think for myself comes from an honoring of what my body feels.
All true learning starts with relationship.
‘What happens if you want to colour in in every direction possible, – up, down, left, right, front to back, back to front, only to be told you can’t, it’s ‘not right’?’ – unfortunately, this happens all too often and the damage that is caused to the young child can be devastating. It’s as though their spherical perception of how things are is burst, they loose confidence in themselves as they have been made to feel less, worthless even, that their expression is not appreciated or even wanted. As I write this, I realise that because we are often in complete denial regarding our own incredible sensitivity and divinity, we are severely lacking in our appreciation of each other and allowing each other the space to express with the magic of who we are, which is actually something to deeply treasure, not criticise.
Perfection is an idea we are sold to make sure we are ‘good little human puppets’ and that we perform according to the standards set by society, no matter if these are not in accordance to the truth, love and wisdom that lives deep in our innermost self. Hence from a very young age we are taught to ‘get it right’, ‘stay in the lines’, conform, reduce, contract and ultimately truncate our expression so that we do not live outside the box nor go anywhere near the magnitude and magnificence of who we truly are when we live in connection with our multidimensional selves. Therefore we can say that the ideal of ‘perfection’ is there to shape us away from expressing our innate divinity and as such is a great evil we are all faced with at some stage in our lives. Part of our evolution back to Soul is are willingness to renounce the hold this crushing weight has had over us and allow ourselves to more freely move in accordance with a higher truth and a set of principals and values that are based on love and not the absence of it.
Learning can have no true basis without an inner connection to our divine knowing, wisdom and love. The level of intelligence accessed when we are far out strips what we consider intelligence to currently be, a truth that will one day make us ponder on why we ever put so much effort into our education systems when they were so devoid of love.
What we don’t seem to understand is that we are perfectly imperfect as we are – by divine design!
There is a lot of pandering to children these days rather than teaching self-responsibility. We can absolutely be loving but have firm boundaries where each person is responsible for their choices. We get to know intimately who we are when we take responsibility for our own lives and our choices.
Where did we get the whole idea of being ‘perfect’ from anyway? Who created it as this definitely has not come from Divinity. Also isn’t it odd that we make life sooooo much harder for ourselves in creating things such as ‘perfection’ which is a completely illusion anyway?
It is great to ponder on the question “Who says it’s not right?”.
The thing is, right is always ‘according to me’ but the ‘me’ that each of us believes us to be keeps changing and therein lies the problem, our ideas about right and wrong keep changing. Truth on the other hand remains constant throughout the ages, it never changes.
And, what fun would it be, being perfect?
As a young child, I remember first starting school and having my homework checked and would have to re-do it until it was perfect. I was always told to strive for 100% and even though in exams high marks in the 90’s were praised, there was still a ‘could do better/not quite there’ attitude towards me. I learned that anything less than perfect was just not good enough – essentially it’s 100% or you’re a failure – it made ‘learning’ extremely stressful and despite doing very well academically I resented school work. This has played out in my life in many different ways and been hugely destructive and may be the subject of a blog. For now, I will say that it’s led to anxiety, fear of making mistakes, self-bashing, never feeling good enough, being disheartened/giving up at the first sign of something going wrong, huge importance placed on an end result over the process, trouble with completion – just to name a few. It is a very constricted way of living and working on helping this has allowed much space into my life, however, I have far to go. A child should be allowed to unfold like a flower under natural impulse and be free to express and be confirmed for who they are not what they get ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, ‘don’t do well enough’ or what parents/family expect of them. This is abusive and will lead to troubles later in life – This situation is by no means unique to me and I hate that so many people around the world are experiencing this! Beware of perfection, it is literally a killer!
A great example is Tiger Moms that rule with an authoritarian fist. How long can a child live under this pressure? And why, and for who is this pressure to achieve really for?
I agree MB, perfection destroys and caps us from expanding and evolving. The judgement and critique towards us as children is crippling to say the least, it is no wonder we find ourselves giving up on life. And as for your comment MB, a blog in the making, which would support humanity enormously.
We have been sold such a lie about being perfect it is a continuous bombardment from all sides and we distort ourselves to try and fit the pictures we have been given. What we don’t seem to have grasped in all this is that we are actually doing this to ourselves, why do we do this?
I spent my school days trying to be perfect, fearful of making mistakes, almost panicking if I got something wrong, and looking back I can see that I was living with a constant feeling of anxiousness. This was then taken into my adult life and I learnt that it was easier to give up and not attempt anything rather than have the feeling of being anxiousness.
The need to be perfect is one of the most debilitating beliefs I have carried most of my life. It channels all your attention to fulfilling a picture and stops any openness to feeling and honouring what might actually be needed in the moment.
It was quite a revelation to me to learn that we are either harming or healing with our movements and that we are never anything in between. It brings us up short and focuses on our responsibility in terms of the energetic imprints we leave behind whenever we walk, talk or even just breathe.
We are all in a school of life for every stage of life, and at any age we can become our own loving and supportive teachers and listeners, it feels very yummy.
Yes, the barrage of critical thoughts about ourselves can indeed be crippling for the whole of our lives, if we are not given the encouragement to find a way of learning that suits us.
The only thing that is worth holding onto is truth.
“Letting Go of the Need to be Perfect” – equally is letting go of the need ‘to be anything’ [else] but our true selves.
With regards to needing to be perfect in art, I have often found this to be quite common – that art is not valid unless it is perfect. And this does come largely from the education systems that are currently in place, where students are taught to learn from a certain set of visual rules which many of the old great artists of the past have mastered, which in itself is not a bad thing, but the problem comes when a student is taught that unless they can do it like hem, their work is less. And how crushing this must be for a person who simply wants to express.
We don’t have an issue with perfection as very young ones. Otherwise how would we ever have learned to walk and talk? We fell over innumerable times until we learnt how to move without doing so. Perfection is an impossibility for humans as we are naturally imperfect. In striving to achieve perfection we are on a road to nowhere.
“Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all.” very true Anon. We are all individual personalities but equal on the inside. We all express in a different way and yet everyone contributes to the whole. We are all needed.
‘Sometimes what I see, because we are so prone to telling children and people what to do, is that kids can’t think for themselves;’ – this is a disturbing observation as it reflects how we are ‘shutting’ our children down in our interaction with them – by not meeting them as the ‘all knowing’ beings that they are and encouraging them to express their creativity, rather than assuming that they need to be told how to do everything which is very arrogant and belittling.
‘…it may not have been in the art classroom, as perfection, hurt and comparison can play out in many areas of our life.’ I first met comparison at school. I enjoyed being me and don’t feel I ever wanted to be perfect as I was happy being who I was, but comparison is laced throughout school in very obvious and insidious ways, right from the beginning with those who conform and toe the line being praised and those who don’t being ‘punished’ in quite subtle ways initially, and then as you become older the punishments are not so subtle. However, what is deemed to be mis-behaving is very often just a reaction to not being seen for who you are, which deeply hurts as it is felt as a rejection of who you are.
The capturing of the breeze of a butterfly’s wing is as elusive as our attempts to be and maintain being perfect!
When we write, we don’t set out to produce perfect drafts first time. We go through a process of writing rough drafts, constantly refining until we get close to what we want to express. It is not about perfection, but expressing who we are at that moment. And so it is with life.
The drive to be perfect is a destructive, a constant battle with self and inability to accept ourselves as we are. It causes a lot of unnecessary tension.
Mistakes and errors happen – they are simply here to teach us. The reactions because things aren’t how we would like are what kill us. Accept life as it is and you’ll find understanding not critique.
With me as a child growing up it was a them and an us, us kids knew nothing, the them, the adults knew it all, and woe betide the child who ventured to speak up, you were definitely put back into your place. Your blog is so beautiful in the freedom of expression you give the children, making life fun and sharing yourself, not as a know it all, being an adult, but being open to the wisdom of our young people to come through.
“Who says…?’ is a great question to ask ourselves. Whenever you find you are running with a belief, ask yourself ‘who says…’ For example, if you believe you’re not good enough, ask yourself – ‘who says I’m not good enough?’ You’ll find it always comes back to you making judgments on yourself – and the best part is realising those judgments are not actually true!
“For me the joy in teaching is first and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject.” If all subjects were approached in this way, I imagine the difference in children’s repsonses and progress at school would be hugely different to that which it currently is.
The notion of being ‘perfect’ is an energetic straight jacket. We are the interactive explosion of God, an ever changing vibrancy that has no limits, trying to be perfect is like sliding a concrete manhole cover over the top of us. Restrictive beyond belief.
Its refreshing to read that for a teacher the subject comes second and the relationship with the child comes first. I can feel when the focus is all about the subject, this would be very stressful for the teacher because it would be all about getting through what is required to be taught. Whereas making it about the relationship with students is much more supportive of what is required to be taught as the kids feel connected to and cared for.
It’s a good point this. Education is always spoken about from the angle of what is ‘good’ for the children. Whereas surely the teacher is an equally integral part of this equation and the stresses of delivering the information and syllabus weighs super-heavy on their shoulders too? Thus they need to be cared for as well and thus, what you are proposing; namely an emphasis of building the relationships first, would certainly support everyone in the equation and create a more nurturing and supportive environment…after which, learning the facts of a subject becomes fun and simple.
I can totally relate to wanting to express myself in art and being told it wasn’t correct. That wasn’t the only thing and then this has been a source of believing that I am not enough. Now I know how that has been something I allowed to cap me my whole life until I met Serge Benhayon and how I got to feel and heal this imposition truly.
I have had that experience – I either did something well or I wasn’t interested, with art definitely falling into the latter category. It might have been fun but it was mainly a struggle.
“I would have loved to be creative without having to be perfect.” I love this sentence as it can be applied to everything in life. We have made life about perfection and achieving and being graded for what we are doing, and we have allowed it to become so normal that we do not feel how immensely crippling and horrible this way of living is. We have made ourselves into robots and it is not the technology we need to fear but our own intent and use of all that we create.
It is the worse thing when a child is so scared of getting it wrong, they won’t ask questions in class or say they don’t understand – and then when it comes up again later its even hard to admit that you don’t know because you said nothing the first time. We should develop spaces with each other where not knowing the answer is never a bad thing but an opportunity to learn.
Being terrified to make a mistake can last our whole lives and essentially hold us captive in our expression. It’s incredibly liberating when we give ourselves permission to authentically express as who we are without measuring or holding it back and begin to learn to see mistakes as an opportunity to learn rather than condemning ourselves.
Needing to be perfect is a big one especially for women, even if we do not it is, this ideal slips in when we lest expect it, we need to be vigilant, with no perfection in our vigilance!!!!
What you share here reminds me of when I learnt to write, on a little blackboard and with chalk, mind you! Whenever I had finished, I would set out to polish what I had accomplished with a small cotton cloth and be absolutely distraught because everything got smudged and super messy. But I kept on going, obsessed with wanting to make it look perfect – lest I’d be found wanting. Where does that come from in a six-year-old?
Interesting how at 6 years old we are already lost and feel the need to compensate for it. It feels like in our drive for perfection it is a perfect avoidance/distraction from dealing with our sense of emptiness and lack of connection.
I hate how we let old past experiences influence us negatively instead of seeing them as learning experiences and let them go. We don’t realise these are all opportunities to move on, when we strive to be perfect, living in this way, we never win.
Me too, they take us off track and its like we keep going around the same problems again and again until we can let go of them. If we see them as learnings as we go, there is nothing to then let go of down the line.
‘It’s a bit like telling someone they can’t wear two colours together because you don’t like it, like black and navy blue, yet I love wearing them together.’ – I had no idea that they weren’t ‘supposed’ to be worn together, I wear them together all the time – shall enjoy doing so even more now 🙂
The teachers who had a long lasting effect in my life are the ones who made the effort to connect to their pupils and share life beyond the subject they were teaching. It’s so beautiful when adults share themselves with kids, it supports them to know what is true in this world beyond the limited confines of academia.
The misconception or utter lie that children cannot think for themselves, do not know what to do and are blank canvases that we need to fill in has allowed for a way of parenting and educational system that crushes the natural expression of our children.
“This is what lasts with the kids –the connection and relationship we build with them first.” I only can agree Anonymous as this was what I was missing the most at my school time.
Anonymous, I can feel how true this is; ‘because we are so prone to telling children and people what to do, is that kids can’t think for themselves’. I remember this in English lessons – that we were told exactly what to do and so I got used to this lack of my expression and creativity and that if we are asked to write our own story I found this extremely hard and thought that I just wanted very creative and wasn’t very imaginative. In fact I was just used to doing what I was told and to trying to get it right to please the teachers rather than naturally expressing what I felt to.
Throw away every image we have of things being right and only use the word ‘right’ to describe a right hand or side and so that leave wrong with not a leg right or left to stand on.
The strive for perfection is the greatest excuse to remain in the disconnection to our innermost.
And when we do we offer the child everything that they need and deeply want, to be met for who they are and in that we support them to not need to be perfect.
‘it is important to allow people to express themselves and have fun, not try to control them, make things look perfect or good to go on a wall.’ This is such an important message for all parents and teachers to hear, that we stifle creativity and self direction when we try to control people.
‘She had held onto this in her body and it affected her to this day.’ – this is what is so crippling about holding onto ‘ideals’ – not only do they not exist, it’s just a notion we have created, but in truth, it’s unattainable, but the real killer is through all the trying, but never succeeding, we poison our body in the process and then this affects our every movement thereafter, until we choose to let go – at which time, the healing and clearing is immense.
When kids are given permission to be themselves they are never bored, as they come up with a myriad of ways to entertain themselves from their body. I remember playing for hours on end in our garden, making up games with very little other than nature itself.
I remember this too Mary-Louise. I would never have played indoors when I was younger if I could help it and we all used to keep an eye out for each other.
We have been so imposed on the by the ideals and beliefs that society has about the way we should be and act that there is even a way to draw. Unfortunately in our drive for ‘success’ we have often reduced the way we are to a very narrow way of being that does not offer the world all of who we are.
‘It’s not worth holding onto things’ – Amen to that. The liberating feeling of not holding on is something I cannot recommend highly enough and the magic thing is, that if you start to let go in some areas it will automatically also happen in other areas of your life.
Repetition of any kind is anti-evolutionary, therefore the act of ‘holding on’ is incredibly retarding for us all. When we hold onto something it invariably means that we are in the process of repeating something, be that disharmonious ways of being in a relationship, feelings of sadness, thoughts, ways of doing something etc. It takes a lot of effort to keep things on repeat, whereas it is incredibly freeing to let go and to abandon ourselves to whatever Life presents next.
“I have seen kids come into first year at high school terrified of making a mistake, too scared to have fun, or very young kids in primary school, really anxious about messing up, ready to bin something for the tiniest of mistakes.”
This is actually deeply sad, and setting up our children for a potentially life-long debilitating dis-ease of anxiety and self-doubt. I am glad that there are teachers like you in the world who can see this, and are supporting children to be themselves and to have fun in the learning process.
I think that a lot of people and children don’t know what to do with themselves if they are not told what to do because they are so used to having so many distractions, school, after school activities, this outing and that outing, and if you are an adult it is the same and any down time is filled with more activities… and screen time.. so when there is no distraction it can be scary. I had a friend come over to my house and they reacted to the fact that I don’t have a tv or the radio or music blaring all the time, in fact I just don’t own them. They looked in shock, and asked what do you do without them? I laughed and replied, I study, I exercise, I paint, I give healing sessions, I go for walks, I cook, I keep my house clean and even then I don’t have enough time so I wonder how do people do anything if they have the tv’s etc that just chew up their time.
I was spending a day in private primary school last week and it was shocking to discover that half of the class of 8-year-olds I was supporting had intervention for anxiety. Their teacher was explaining to me how so many of them are encouraged by their parents to do after school activities on top of a school day that can last for many before breakfast until late afternoon. Some children she explained also are encouraged to learn 3 instruments, not just one and so it went on. If we do not give ourselves or our children time just to be with our bodies, to connect and reflect it really is no wonder we get so anxious.
This line stopped me in my tracks Anonymous…”like telling someone they can’t wear two colours together because you don’t like it, like black and navy blue, yet I love wearing them together.” I realised I had that belief of not wearing those two colours together, and the same with red and pink not being worn together – they were beliefs read in fashion magazines. And so yesterday I wore black and blue and loved the feel of those two colours together. We miss out on so much when we succumb to ideals and beliefs. Life is beauty-full, magical and harmonious when we allow ourselves to follow our truth.
I remember as a kid seeing a drawing on Blue Peter (UK TV SHOW) and never being able to draw like that, It would cut me inside for days as I tried and tried. In that never appreciating the magic I bought the world only the things I could not do.
“First and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject”. I love it. This ought to be the foundation of our interactions not only with our kids but amongst us all.
“Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all.” So true ee can get caught in projecting our views on others, everyone is free to choose.
As it is both something attached to a picture that wants to be fulfilled instead of allowing the absolute truth of a moment to unfold.
If there is any need of being perfect we actually hinder the magic that can actually otherwise flow through us. As we are only vehicles of expression, wanting to have it a certain way, is the absolute opposite how energy actually works. Our only job is to allow energy coming through us not to measure or control it.
Yes, if we put conditions, especially impossible ones, on our expression we just stunt our expression.
Being suppressed all my school years from being open and creative so that my life became like I was a Zombie walking around without any understanding of who I am and was totally lost looking for answers. Thank God for Universal Medicine for opening their hearts so I could start to alleviate those pressures from controlling my life. For me being connected to my essence has become something that will deepen with my dedication to be a student of life and not shutting down my true expression.
There is such irony in wanting to be perfect and yet creative – isn’t being creative all about not being perfect, about experimentation, enjoying the process and the fun of just expressing ourselves? When we try to make things perfect, we suck all the joy and fun out of the process and ourselves and it becomes a dry, soul-less experience. Our souls know how to have fun, our souls embrace us in full, without judgment and with all of our imperfections – so why don’t we give ourselves this grace, space and love?
Playfulness is the greatest counterpart to pursued perfection!
The feeling to be right, perfect and correct is a strong configuration and product of our education system and upbringing. Knowing those that don’t hold this as a configuration in their body is a very inspiring thing as it shows the ease they have within themselves to simply be as they are, mistakes and all. Making the steps myself to letting perfectionism go is very liberating.
‘The feeling to be right, perfect and correct is a strong configuration and product of our education system and upbringing.” This is so true and I have known it well within myself. From this perspective those who manage to hold their own natural expression are not actually a problem but an inspiration to all to not conform to the pressures of the systems we are under.
I agree Carolien, those who hold their natural expression, walk their truth and don’t conform to the pressures of the system we are under, yet equally are able to work within those systems, simply show that there is another way of living that is powerful, honest and true that upholds vitality, awareness and strength.
What a beautiful blog! Reflecting to us what is true and what is not. It is first and foremost about connecting to each other!
A gorgeous sharing – I especially love what you say about who decides what’s right or wrong. It shows that we give our power away so often without even realising.
When we put the importance of the task before the well-being of a person, we shut down the biggest and grandest gift of all. A person who feels respected, met and understood for who they are will give all of themselves to any task thus delivering everything with an integrity that cannot be achieved by demanding academic perfection.
“… kids can’t think for themselves…” Young children speak from their heart.
So true jstewart51… children don’t ‘think’ in an intellectual way – they follow the impulses of their hearts, naturally connected to the innate wisdom within every one of us.
I agree – that is the most insidious curse over a child, perhaps the truth is that we don’t want them to think for themselves.
Art is a form of expression, so to be told to draw between the lines at such an early age, is an example of how in life we care mustered in to confirm and contain our natural expression.
Anonymous, these things that happen to us in childhood can affect us hugely and can go unhealed for our whole life. It makes me realise what a responsibility that we have as parents and teachers in how we are with children and what we say to them.
Getting things right curbs our natural expression, it is very liberating to know there is no right or wrong, after years of trying to do something the correct way.
Being a perfectionist is a form of abuse that we inflict on ourselves.
I grew up with a much older brother and a father who I considered to be such wonderful artists, using various media, whereas I didn’t have any confidence in my art, in any form. If I did pick up a paint brush the comparison and the need for perfection would be there in an instant making the whole process not enjoyable in any way. I can see now that I put them on a pedestal and in so doing placed myself way below them. What a self-denigrating way that was to treat my beautiful young self, with the effects seeping into every part of my life.
I am learning to let go of perfectionism, this is something I can get caught up in from time to time. I know it isn’t fun for anyone when I seek perfectionism because it comes with control and hardness. I am learning to let this go and embrace appreciation more and more instead.
Beautiful, it is horrible to feel how much we destroy this natural expression.
This is totally true kids will remember your relationship and connection long after anything you taught them.
I love how you describe what happens when you just love yellow and how the lines confine our natural expression. Life is so full of systems that are designed to confine our natural expression and we internalise them – what would the neighbours think? was common in our house – as if they were exemplars of society. Perfection is one way I’ve internalised the restricting of who I am to play very very safe. But I’m playing safe from knowing me and knowing God. God is way bigger than any lines can confine!
It is a travesty that instead of supporting the curiosity and sense of adventure in a child, we emphasise being good and perfect to such an extent that they can get distraught about the possibility of a not quite knowing how to do something, when they could be having fun just having a go.
Allowing myself to be wrong has made me so much better at everything that I do.
“Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all.” – this is a great point, and at the same time how important is it that we allow our self expression to come out as naturally as possible and in this natural unfoldment, it is un-imposing on others and hence can serve as an inspiration. And with all the different qualities that each of us brings, there are endless ways to inspire each other!
The teachers I remember from school were the ones who brought themselves to all they taught – they didn’t teach by rote, they connected with the class as people and brought their enthusiasm for learning together to the fore… and there was always joy and humour – and consequently inspiration.
I feel that it takes a strong child to be able to maintain their own sense of drawing, how they want it to be. And it also takes a strong parent, teacher, adult, to be able to give this freedom of expression the space that it needs to flourish. Neither of these things are impossible, but it takes work on each persons part to stay true to who they are and to not fall for the idealised images of what childhood art should be.
We all have different pictures of what ‘perfect’ looks like to us, but what is common with every one of us striving for perfection, is that we are focused only on the outside and completely miss our inner world – which in truth is what we are actually looking for… and within our inner essence there is no perfection.
Very true Paula, seeking perfection seems to be related to things outside of us and it can take us further and further away from connecting to our essence. It seems there are many, many variations and ways to disconnect us from our essence but there is only one way to return to our inner-most and our connection to our soul, and that is through connecting to love.
I know from experience that holding onto things is really disturbing and yet the things I think I am holding onto remain in my life. It does make me wonder why… Why are they still around? what do I get from holding onto these disturbing ways?
“It may have been for colouring outside the line, but what happens if you just love yellow on white paper so much that you can’t help but want to share how awesome it looks, you can’t and don’t want to contain it to the lines, you want to share your love and joy of that colour? What happens if you want to colour in in every direction possible, – up, down, left, right, front to back, back to front, only to be told you can’t, it’s ‘not right’?”
I love the expression here, you really capture the joy and putting their all into all they do as children. And such a great and rightly asked question “Who says it’s not right?”
“Letting Go of the Need to be Perfect” – just reading those words bring a sense of relief. We have been sold a lie that perfection exists so it is no wonder that we get so stressed out trying to live up to this false and corrupt ideal/belief. When we let go of the need to be perfect we open up to the beauty that we naturally are.
As adults we really know how to take the joy out of learning something new or being creative! All the rules that we have around what’s right /wrong leads to the need for perfection and often a striving or giving up.
Your conversation about the lady’s experience of art classes at school and not being able to draw the perfect straight line etc holds as a strong example of the responsibility we have as adults and the way we interact with children to ensure they are confirmed in all that they are, rather than made wrong or ignored as having nothing to contribute.
“You can’t contain it to the lines” just like love and our expression – it cannot be contained within a box!
We all just are, which totally negates the need to be anything other than who we already are.
Perfection is crippling as it expects us to fit a picture that is not only unachievable but requires us to dismiss and abandon our innate nature. That is a general theme in education: do we need to live up to something in order to fulfill the expectations or are we raised to unfold the fullness of who we are?
“Sometimes what I see, because we are so prone to telling children and people what to do, is that kids can’t think for themselves;” – This is a scary but very true phenomenon, and I feel it has something to do with the current education system where kids are asked to constantly do things in a certain way, follow instructions and all the ‘rules’ of how to do things, and then criticised or punished for stepping ‘out of bounds’ in any way, because that would challenge the teachers to connect with each child individually and understand where they are coming from more often. In this environment children feel intimidated and scared to come up with their own way out of fear of some form of institutionalised retribution.
It took me years to dispel the ideals and beliefs and how I should or shouldn’t be from what was laid on me growing up, my years at school especially by teachers and probably still doing it if I’m honest. If only we could be taught to feel energy first and observe what is going on so we don’t have to get it wrong or choose what is not true.
If we were taught that at home and at school we would change the world in a generation.
Our experiences from school can remain alive for our whole lifetime. Making or not making choices because we want to avoid re-living the experience or even wanting to make up for somehow being seen as less. I was at a writing workshop recently and the influence school has had on many as was quite shocking. Pretty much everyone had at least one experience if not many, that meant the each person would go through life more protected.
It is as though there is a right way to do something. What if we just dropped that and let everyone express in their own way without imposing how it should be and what is right.
In the U.K. they are obsessed with cursive handwriting as early as 6years old, it is awful watching the children try so hard to do something that is not natural for their hands at this stage being forced to comply to the outer expectation.
Perhaps if we did this we might see people blossom like never before.
Give a flower space to bloom and it can’t help but do so.
Absolutely Nikki let people express in their own way and allow the space, it is actually magical when we get out of the way.
It’s interesting too how ‘perfect’ changes by definition of who’s asking and who is responding, and it can never fully be satisfied.
So true – ‘perfection’ is utterly subjective and thus an unachievable ideal. And so we entrap ourselves in a cage that doesn’t even exist!
Being or producing something perfect is an illusion in itself as rightly expressed from you Susanna: who actually sets the standard for “perfect”?
This is an interesting point Susie and this means we all have our own versions of perfection. Also, this can create complications, conflict and disharmony. Therefore, it is difficult to all agree on the same form or level of perfection which can lead us to forever seek perfection that does’t actually exist and creates competition and comparison. Is this not all an illusion that we are chasing when we seek perfection? Wow, and I have been chasing it for most of my life.
I remember how I was constantly anxious and terrified of making mistakes as the nuns would give you severe discipline if you didn’t get it right. I wasn’t one who conformed to the structure of how they taught kids, I simply didn’t connect with the way it was being taught. From then on I was trying to get it right and being perfect and that has been such an imposition.
I love this simple model for education – “For me the joy in teaching is first and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject.” Connection first, and then the joy of learning will emerge from feeling the purpose and approach that suits each child.
It’s the practical man in me that makes me think like this….and the analogies may seem a bit weird…but it’s wise to connect the pipes together before turning on the flow of water….it is wise to connect the wire to the plug if you want the electricity to flow to the lamp….it is wise to connect your phone to your car via bluetooth if you want to hear the music….and thus it is wise to connect to a child if you are wanting information to flow between the two of you.
A need to be perfect shuts us off from multi-dimensionality, from being open to the wisdom being shared with us by the universe.
‘I would have loved …….’ – how often do we say this in life? What is it that stops us from following through on our impulse to do something, which can then leave us with this feeling of regret years later? If we accept that we weren’t ready to trust in what we were feeling absolutely, and the pull to fit in, conform, perform – basically ‘pretzel’ ourselves for others, was more important to us at the time, then we allow ourselves the grace to understand that all our choices are part of a learning process for us to get to where we are today. No regret required.
“For me the joy in teaching is first and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject” – yes, connection first, then everything else is done in that connection, simple!
“This is what lasts with the kids –the connection and relationship we build with them first.” The fundamental basis of all teaching, for how can we truly impart what it is we need to learn if we have not established a connection first. It’s a bit like attempting to dial out on a phone that is not connected to a network.
Striving for perfection is often said to be a good way to approach many things however it only sets us up to never quite make it and ultimately fall short when in truth we are already everything and therefore so much more.
Beautifully expressed Michael. Hence why seeking perfection can be so exhausting, tedious, overwhelming and harmful. We have to first dismiss the fact that we are already everything in order to seek perfection.
Being perfect comes with the pictures we falsely create in our heads and then can’t measure up to. By letting go of the pictures we can let go of perfectionism and the pressure that comes with it.
So simple Rachel, I love it and it takes the stress and overwhelm out of life because we are no longer chasing something that we cannot achieve. This means we have space to embrace joy and simplicity in life instead. And, Wow, getting rid of the distractions we create makes a world of difference to our quality of life.
It’s a bit startling to realise the amount, of pictures we create and the amount, of ideals and beliefs we allow ourselves to get enticed by as we live day-to-day. They are like layers of mud and sludge that keep building so that the clear truth underneath gets obscured, that it can no longer be felt or seen. Clean up those layers of mud (false pictures, ideals and beliefs) and we can begin to see the truth again in all its simplicity.
Agreed Ariana what would life be like if as a society we let go of needing to be perfect?
Learning to express and not to be shut down is definitely something that needs to be opened up so we can all bring a deeper understanding of the way we can live without the critique of others.
When exams are the marker of who we are within a system that is dedicated to churning out robotic types then is it any wonder we have so many people walking around like zombies and or suicidal.
As is shared life is “first and foremost about building a relationship” that is true, and with an openness and transparency about life, then life becomes a joy in all we do, so the joy comes from within the true being we all are, our essence.
Yes…. the pursuit for perfection completely disconnects one’s from being in union with their body – following ideals and beliefs of how one ‘thinks’ something should look like – It is a situation of the head ruling the heart.
Trying to be perfect is the same as a dog chasing its tail, you can only go around in circles and exhaust yourself.
Anonymous, what you are sharing here feels very true – in that we try and direct children to draw, write and do things in a certain way that as adults we deem as ‘the way’. Asking children to follow what we think is right or wrong, without allowing them to express what they naturally feel to; ‘what happens if you just love yellow on white paper so much that you can’t help but want to share how awesome it looks’
We can hold onto things because of the way we were treated eg. I can recall when I was made to feel really ‘bad’ about a choice I made and to this day I can feel the effects within my body, emotions such as guilt and shame I introduced into it because of a picture held by others of how I should respond to a situation.It’s interesting what we allow into our body that does not belong and how we can hold onto it.
I agree anything that the kids can hear or resist in hearing is because of relationship.
I had some wise words shared with me once that have always stuck with me. These wise words came from Miranda Benhayon. These words were along the lines of — if something does not feel right change it. What a blessing and how empowering these words have been. I’d rather have a life of feeling wisdom that has been shared with me then recalling words that have been configured to reduce my natural way of expression. This blog is a great stop to show us if any thoughts or actions are there to reduce you to be less, it is healing rather than harming to not invest any energy into this reduction.
Anonymous, our world is blessed to have teacher like you. What you bring to the children and our young generation is absolute GOLD. ‘For me the joy in teaching is first and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject.’ What would our class rooms look like if our education system world-wide priories this sentence I’ve highlighted here as their foundation in teaching and not base teaching on results but true connection with the children first?
Knowing the true evil of us being less it can be hard to accept when this happens. Yet that in itself is how abuse carries on – because we focus on the chaos, instead of why we separated in the first place.
The seeking of perfection is a never-ending game – we are seeking something that doesn’t exist so we will never find it… and we exhaust ourselves in the process.
Wow, great point Paula. This makes so much sense and perhaps this is one of the reasons why exhaustion is a global plague and exhaustion levels are rising.
Yes, I absolutely agree Chan, Paula is bringing it to a very revelatory point, we are seeking something that does not exist thus something we will never be able to achieve. It shows the ridiculousness we have made life, forever perpetuating something that is not.
If the end goal of life was to achieve ‘perfection’… Then what? Could it be that there is a much grander purpose that we are blatantly avoiding with all of our ‘efforts’ to maintain and achieve an image of success?
What we each consider to be ‘right’ changes throughout our lives, which is a clear indication that it has no basis in truth because truth remains a constant, not just in our lives but in life throughout the ages.
You mention kids these days not being able to think for themselves and education being too instructive, but it would seem to me that by not allowing children the space to just play, explore and enjoy themselves we have denied their expression, and so it is a lack in self expression (seen as not being able to think for themselves) that is the plague, the lack is in not being confirmed in what they have to contribute as being valid – believing that rather than the colouring within the lines or the tidy page is more important.
Everything and everyone are relationships and they should all be developed in the most Loving ways possible as best we can.
Going for the picture of perfection can stunt us and paralyses us into giving up because holding ourselves to an unreachable goal sets us up to fail. What I have also observed is that sometimes we expect to do something perfect very quickly without putting in the training beforehand, especially as we are sold the lie that because it’s art it just has to come out of us and suddenly there is this masterpiece.
“This is what lasts with the kids –the connection and relationship we build with them first.” – Absolutely and that quality of relationship is really powerful and can have a very long lasting impact on people as we grow and all the way through our lives.
Children not knowing how to be in case they get it wrong is something I saw so much of in primary schools recently. They voiced their beliefs they couldn’t do something or they were rubbish! The system knocked out their inner expression by asking them to adhere to strict rules in writing, and then was perplexed that when asked to be creative in their writing they couldn’t perform. When we make learning without understanding the being and what’s needed we ask people to inhibit who they are naturally, so they can only refer to rules and expectations for guidance and not their inner selves. The repercussions of this is Huge in society. I’ve seen it greatly affect parents who struggle to connect with themselves and the inner wisdom this allows, the connection with their child and knowing what to do is then reduced and they find themselves looking to people for advice who may not know their child and advise according to a general rule without the nuances needed. The child gets frustrated and potentially labelled with behavioural issues. We cannot underestimate how education may not teach us what supports us the most: experiencing and developing our inner connection in conjunction with all the practical aspects needed to know in this world.
“She had held onto this in her body and it affected her to this day” – and this is one adult, about one topic holding onto to this and affecting her. Can you imagine of the almost 8 billion people on this planet, how many hurts/pictures/ideas/beliefs that they are holding onto and what effect this is having on the world?
What I just had a sense of is that we are all always at school in a way. We are constantly learning by what is going on around us and so it’s important to discern which role models we want to learn from. If we do not, we might be choosing to learn from say a perfectionist, and then reinforcing in ourselves that its important to be perfect, and therefore we will always feel as if we cannot measure up to life. If we choose a role model who places the loving quality of relationship they have with themselves first, we will learn to accept that we are imperfectly perfect and love ourselves absolutely. Everybody benefits, for if we love ourselves we will love others equally so – one comes with the other.
The need to be perfect is no different to any other need and like all needs, it can only exist because we have detached from the fullness that we all are already.
Perfectionism has yet to be recognised as a deeply harmful condition but its impact is undeniable. It affects how we are and how we feel in almost every single aspect of life if we let it and it causes us to feel insecure with being who we naturally are.
In infant school a painting I was completing caught the attention of the Art teacher who proceeded to use the colours on my palette board to paint in changes to what I felt was finished. So my painting then became their interpretation of how something should look and not mine. I felt stifled by this squashing of my creativity that somehow it wasn’t good enough unless I followed the teachers rules on how something should be.
And it feels as though education is still crushing peoples ability to openly express.
Hi Mary, your memory of this just illustrates the point that we carry these memories round as baggage, baggage full of little or big wounds. There is so much understanding we can bring to our children to support them to understand how and why these wounds happen and give them the opportunity to not carry this baggage through their lives.
Making it about the relationship first and then the subject, that’s so different to how we currently approach education and absolutely what is missing in our education today.
It is so great that you have brought this up, Anonymous. I see many young people internalise a judgement about themselves that they take into adulthood that there is something wrong with them, just because they have dyslexia. Education systems are setting us up when we are not given the opportunity to find our way to express ourselves and learn.
‘Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all.’ Absolutely! For me this just highlights the insidiousness of control. I guess it is to be discerning with this and with what it is regarding for example with art why not do something how you feel to rather than ‘what is seen to be the right thing’ after all isn’t art supposed to be an expression of ourselves, especially little ones. When I say about being discerning with this it is also to honour an order or flow in places say like offices or restaurants where sometimes ‘doing things our own way’ where it isn’t supportive to the team/all.
It is important to learn certain skills in life but not if it is at the expense of the person knowing who they are and being able to express this.
Being perfect only exists amongst human beings, not for animals, nature or anywhere else in the universe. It requires us to work towards an end result that actually doesn’t exist and copious amounts of energy being spent on it non-stop to never arrive ‘there’.
I recall visiting a place where carpets were made by hand and being told they deliberately put in imperfections to remind us that we are not perfect – it really helps me to remember that when I make mistakes so that I can go, ‘That’s OK, I don’t have to be perfect’. I can so easily lose myself in relationships because I try to get everything right, try to please when all I really need to do is just be me and know that I am perfect just the way I am and I can let go of that insidious self doubt that creeps in.
There is nothing far greater than the relationships we build with people. It is the depth that we allow another to feel safe and held that than brings out the true talents that we all have in expressing.
‘Who says it’s not right?’ …. great question – why have we so readily accepted all these conditions about how things ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be done in life, who says they should or shouldn’t be done this way? In truth, there is nothing more magical than observing children openly express themselves by following an impulse from within, without any pre-conceived ideas about how something is ‘meant’ to be, or to be done.
Yes, I find the reflection shows me the freedom I have to express without any pre-conceived ideas.
Indeed there are so many ideals and pictures of how we should be in life and all the time we abandon who we naturally are.
And trying to fit ourselves to a mould or meet our pictures is a painful process that can never be achieved.
The most memorable teachers are the ones that build a connection and support children to grow and gain confidence as they learn whilst letting go of pictures of what the result should look like.
The greatest teachers are the ones who allow children to be who they are and I agree with you Helen, the most memorable teacher from my childhood was a teacher who loved connecting to the children and I still remember the care and love that was present in the class room. Also, what I have realised is that we are all teachers and students even if we are not in a classroom.
The teachers I remember are the ones who connected with me. I learnt the most from them not because of what they taught but because of how they were.
I realise now that so much that I learnt at school in that short time in my life was ideals and beliefs that have taken or are taking a long time to get rid of.
The need to be perfect is a recipe for disaster, in fact the need to be anything is a non-starter.
It’s so true Elaine, accepting ourselves exactly as we are and getting to know, appreciate and love ourselves is a truly awesome way to be. We seem to be constantly sold pictures of how to be instead of accepting and enjoying who we naturally are.
Its amazing quite how young the feeling or need to be perfect comes in- its definitely not one we are born with rather its something we learn as a way to get through life and find a way if controlling things and people. Its a massive set up as we were never designed to be perfect yet its a trap we so easily fall into.
I remember the teachers that truly saw me not what they were teaching and the ones I was afraid of in the sense of afraid of doing something wrong in their eyes.
Sadly, I don’t remember any of my teachers seeing me for who I was/am, rather, they were focused on teaching us what we had to learn and always favouring those who listened attentively and performed well in tests.
‘Sometimes what I see, because we are so prone to telling children and people what to do, is that kids can’t think for themselves.’ I would agree with this and then we end up as adults aligning to set ideals and beliefs that weren’t even ours to begin with.
This need to be perfect caps us and inhibits our growth and evolution in so many ways. It is a crushing, heavy way of being in the world, that we use to keep us small and to not expand and grow. Letting go of that, by letting go of our need to be accepted by others, slowly starts to happen as we start to accept, appreciate and love ourselves ever more deeply.
“Letting Go of the Need to be Perfect” – the more we grow in self-love the more we realise the beauty and normal-ness of imperfection.
There is then not the pressure to be what we are not.
I remember the feeling of not being able to get something in class and how crushing that felt. It is great you bring this up as it is indeed a feeling I have taken into my life and it is a prejudice I have of myself in any new situation even though it was just something I could not do in primary school. How interesting is that!
Making a mistake is such big issue, it paralysed me for a very long time, now I am learning to express, enjoy and go for it, regardless of outcomes – Amazing!
Oh, I can relate so well to that. For so long I was crippled by the fear of getting something wrong and consequently lost my joy.
It’s interesting how something like Art has its own set of rules. I remember trying to live up to these and feeling crushed and incapable because my art did not match the standards set. Crazy! Art is an expression like anything else, and we are all unique and different. It makes no sense to tar everyone with the same brush (pun intended)!
As cliche as it is, we are all naturally imperfectly perfect. Asking us to be anything beyond who we are is a deliberate attempt to spoil the inner wonderment.
That belief about making mistakes being wrong is very damaging, I find. I see many adults young and not so young, either too scared to make mistakes so just hold back, or when they do make mistake, they blame it to someone/something else – either way, it is part of avoiding responsibility.
The set up for the need to be perfect starts very young. We are told because we can do something for ourselves that we are a good girl or boy. This starts the road for looking for recognition in what we do, whatever that may be. I can see it in some children where they are looking around for some kind of recognition for what they are doing. But as adults we feed that need as well. I know I have caught myself feeding that by thinking that children are being cute. But really all I am doing is confirming a pattern that is not something that with truly support them through life.
Attempting to gain perfection is an exhausting pursuit and one that is impossible to achieve. Learning to live, learn and express all our wisdom, love, talents and skills in full is an enriching career and one that lasts a lifetime.
Yes, I agrees Rowena and aiming to gain perfection sucks the joy out of whatever it is that we are trying to achieve. I find that with anything that we do, trying to gain perfection is ridden with control, tension and heaviness that pushes people away. If this is the effects we get, why would we then aim to seek perfection? I reckon it comes back to the drive to seek recognition and it comes hand in hand with seeking perfection.
Wanting to be perfect is laced with wanting to control and have a certain outcome. Letting go of this can be very challenging but so freeing at the same time.
I have learnt that in expecting anything of ourselves, such as perfection, means we can become very self-judgmental and therefore others are also subject to the same judgements. Letting of ideals we strive for which are created outside of us allows us to stop being so judgmental of ourselves first and of others too.
I agree with you Richard, connection is the key otherwise all that is said or presented becomes very abstract and all we can do is try to memorise and recall.
I love the possibility that we could make it about playful exploration and expansion, rather than perfection and getting it right. Most of my life I have focused on getting it right and now that I am slowly letting it go I can see the huge limitation that such an approach imposes.
I know that self barrage of critical thoughts that can kick in, it completely takes us over and shuts our expression down.To know we don’t have to be perfect is a start to being kinder and gentler with ourselves.
“This is what lasts with the kids –the connection and relationship we build with them first…” Yes, the most memorial teachers I had during school, are the ones that i felt saw me, who i felt met by and consequently felt a connection with in some way.
Our obsession with perfection comes from a deep knowing that in essence we are absolutely divine and as such we all can sense the purity and a perfection that comes with this. However, we live in an imperfect realm and we are shooting ourselves in the foot if we pine for that level of perfection here. Our task is simply to let all the divinity within us to be accessed and expressed out by way of infusing it into our daily way of living, so that we as a humanity remember our divine roots and no longer accept anything less than the love we are, to be the standard we set in all areas of life.
That small hand full of teachers stands out and is never forgotten. What if all teachers were like that? What would they look like today?
I felt that anything could be tackled when I had a teacher who connected with me first. The impossible became possible.
There is a saying ’pink and green should never be sees unless there is something in between’ This is just one of many sayings I have heard over the years. We need to challenge these statements, who has made this rule, where has it come from? I have seen these colours together and they look amazing in the right out fit with the right woman. I would not be surprised if these 2 colours together reflect a vibration that supports us and this is just a ploy for us to not have the blessing of the combination of the colours.
I love art, and used to think that I needed to go to art school but a dear friend of mine who had been, told me to not do it…. to keep just expressing the my free way as art school, like many things can make your change your natural expression to fit into what is acceptable. And I, like you, like navy and black together. I think it looks great!
The freedom in life is to be in life free from pictures and hurts that bind us but move through Life expressing from our true connection with god.
Living with the constant need to be perfect felt like a straight jacket when I was growing up and into my adult years because I felt I couldn’t make decisions by myself or choose something, out of fear of getting it wrong. We were just talking about school at work today and the things we have held onto that happened, like being hit by a teacher or ridiculed for our work and how that has stayed with us in our body and affected how we see ourselves and others till this day. It’s interesting though that as a society at large we are not okay with making mistakes, even ones where we’ve got emotional or got cranky, we judge it as not being okay.
The ideal of perfectionism takes us away from the truth of who we already are.
Control and perfection are health hazards….as your article so beautifully presents.
They sure are and we all know what they feel like in the body.
SO true Richard, when we feel there is connection every part of our body lights up, we can focus more easily, we feel the purpose and we are keen to work hard but when there is no connection, everything becomes so much harder and like you shared, ‘true communication is lost’ and everything becomes a struggle.
‘This is what lasts with the kids –the connection and relationship we build with them first.’ Absolutely Anonymous, I still remember to this day the beautiful connection I had with a teacher at primary school. She was teaching the entire class with love, everything she did was about building a beautiful connection with the children and I remember every single child adored her because she equally adored the children. Interestingly, we learnt a lot in that class.
There is no perfection in nature, so why do we then put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect when it is unattainable – and so not needed. Life is life – it is all lessons we need to learn.
Our imperfections are perfect… because they expose our choices and the lessons we need to learn from.
Holding onto things is such a burden on the human body. I know when I replay something over and over, I feel so drained. Some things I find super easy to let go, otherwise I fight. When I fight, I then tend to look for support to help me let things go.
Teaching for me too is about connection, whether I’m the teacher or the learner. Whatever is there to be taught or learned is then generally much more accessible, because of this connection – and we have more fun in the process.
It’s so huge to not box things into right and wrong. This blog exposed to me that sometimes I can want things to be a certain way and someone else does not – but this is me trying to control it. Like even when my toddler colours in and I don’t want her to draw outside the lines – this is my investment without appreciating that she just enjoys how the colours fall on the paper.
Could it be that the education system simply wants to own knowledge to control us? Maybe history has shown us this on numerous occasions and we are still turning a blind eye!! Do we still want to walk around thinking the world is flat or do we want to understand that there is more to life, and that it needs to be exposed, so that when we listen too our body it expresses in various ways, then listening to our essence is the key that has always shared the truth?
It is true the experiences at school stay with us, and the teachers we remember were either inspiring or scary, either way, their actions stay with us.
Anonymous, I love this; ‘For me the joy in teaching is first and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject.’ I can feel that if this was the common way to teach that it would be so supportive for children and would allow them to stay themselves and not go into anxiousness and doubt.
We all need the freedom to express ourselves in what ever way is true to ourselves with out being told we are ‘wrong’ or there is a ‘right’ way to do it.
So true! Letting go of the need to ‘do well’, is so important as it exhausts us the most.. Whilst when we connect and build a relationship with each other, the doing falls always. Nothing can beat connection.
Freedom in expression comes from the impulse of the body….with no pictures of what that looks like.
Getting us to try to control life is the perfect trick to stop us realising we already given everything we’ll ever need.
Love this! It’s so true.
So many students and adults don’t know what they actually want or like and have to learn how to connect to that again. Also on the topic of work many people have a job because of the payment, not because they know what they can offer and what their purpose is.
Very true, Monkia, feeling our purpose allows us to appreciate the bigger picture and the part that we are here to play. With this understanding comes immense enjoyment and a natural flow and rhythm. No more trying, rather, allowing the space to let go and feel what is needed next to support the whole. I never knew work could be so much fun.
Agree. On all sides of the equation. If I am not connected and I try to explain something then what comes out is gibberish…if I am not connected to either myself and/or the person I am listening to then it doesn’t truly sink in…and if the person who is talking to me is coming from the intellect of their head, then it just sounds like ‘white noise’. There comes an incredible simplicity and clarity when the connections are made.
At our kids’ school they are very obsessed with neat hand-writing. Our daughter really took this on and became very focussed on her hand-writing being beautiful and we could see that this was affecting her natural flow of expression. One day we did an experiment; we got her to to just write..about anything..and not worry at all about how messy it was. And so she did…but it was still quite neat…so she had another go and concentrated even less on the neatness of her writing….and then another go….By the third go it was astonishing how much more open and flowing her expression was, how much more she enjoyed it and how much more connected she was to what she was actually feeling and what she actually wanted to write. And her writing was still perfectly legible – which surely is the only service that hand-writing needs to provide?
Absolutely, there is one very distinct memory I have as a child of a teacher, it was my swimming teacher, otherwise known as Mrs P. She was brilliant, in the water with us showing us how to swim, occasionally on the side when we were older and doing lengths. She was warm and effectionate, she engaged with us, cared and we had the most almighty amount of fun. She taught me for years and throughout my life I have had an immense love of water. I would love to meet her today to say an enormous thank you.
I would say we can all remember people we knew when we were young who really connected with us and made it about people first which just shows how much we all respond to this and know what education could be about.
“This is what lasts with the kids –the connection and relationship we build with them first”, anonymous this is what lasts with us all.
I can remember seeking reward, comfort and security in colouring in between the lines. So much so I lost confidence in expressing my true self to the point where I thought that my perfectionistic ways was in fact who I was. This is way way way more evil than we care to give credit to.
So interesting that this is a tangible memory for you Joshua, highlighting how early we can lose connection with ourselves and all confidence with it.
Living with the belief that we have to be striving constantly to live up to the ideal of being perfect, is a big fat lie to keep us chasing the illusion that we are never enough as we are. This pressure only serves to keep us capped from the truth of knowing we ARE already enough in the grandness and universality we are naturally at one with.
We are taught ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ very early on – there is a difference between boundaries, learning respect and what is acceptable behaviour, and being told that how we express is wrong and then trying to fit into the very small parameters of what is considered ‘right’
It is fundamentally not ok to have such a restricted way of learning. To be told you are not doing what is needed and then carrying that hurt and that you are not good enough around like a ball and chain. To be able to express and learn in a way the works with our own rhythm is super important and how we are designed to be. Yet I haven’t found anything that supports this truly except for the teachings Serge Benhayon shares. Being able to connect and feel how we are absolutely all knowing and we just need the space to connect and feel it. When we make it about the energy and not anything else and certainly not knowledge anything is possible.
‘anything is possible’ when we don’t put restrictions on ourselves because we are the unlimited potential of the Universe.
It is very destructive to have such restrictions as what is presented here in our learning. Over the years I have witnessed young children being told to use particular colours when drawing their family for example, which goes against all the colours they want to use to express how their family members actually feel to them. For them mum may need orange hair while dad needs blue – yet when they are told that’s not right and at times with a belittling tone or judgement – it crushes a little persons expansive nature and expression and causes a shut down. What we need to really consider is how our restricted way of teaching is actually shutting down the beings we teach to fit in to something that does not allow their natural volume to come through. And also ask – what is more important. For me relationships and building connection is also key and I would rather a child draw their dad with blue hair and feel expanded because their expression has been valued than a shut down child colouring inside the lines.
When I have a shooting I am well aware and expressing also, that the photos are important and its end result, but what counts the most is the connection between the person in front of the camera and myself. This is setting the standard and foundation what kind of photos will come out in the end.
Yes, the quality of the connection and the quality you both work in together give the outcome. And yet I can imagine most photographers have and look for a lot of pictures. It is very liberating and healing to be photographed by someone who sets you free of that and supports you with unfolding.
We are so much more- the moment we make it only about any end result, we miss the magic that can otherwise occur.
When you are getting caught into right or wrong, which is an implement of perfectionism, your expression has no chance to come through. It is like the damocles sword that stabs you whenever you hit the wrong way. True expression only flows by allowing yourself to be and honouring the qualities that you innately carry and from their learn certain “rules” how to bring it into a shape that is needed.
We lose something precious when children are separated from their natural curiosity and imagination.
We do and it is happening all the more frequently with the increase in social media, television and computer games. Trying to speak to a child when they are immersed in screen time is almost impossible without turning the device off. It’s so addictive and it takes away from their natural capacity to learn, explore and enjoy life.
And we lose something even greater when our adults are just bigger shutdown children who then reflect that being shutdown is an accepted normal. We actually lose a whole society of people who could be living in their full expansion.
I agree Johanna, when children do not have adults around them to reflect openness and are unable to express themselves in their fullness, we’re left with not one but two lost generations also imprint what will poison future generations as well.
We lose ourselves, each other, God and the divinity we each in essence are.
I was involved with a group of young children recently, along with a few other adults. We were ‘entertaining’ them until their parents arrived and had a vast array of toys, games etc to pass the time. I noticed that all the adults sat with a child and proceeded to organise what the child was doing, but once I had offered the child I was overseeing a variety of games I sat back and observed. It was so obvious that he knew what he wanted to do and I felt that the freedom of not having me conducting him from the sideline, so to speak, allowed him to extend his imagination way further than I would have. I could see he was having fun, even on his own; it was simply natural to him.
Ingrid so often in my life I have tried to organise not only my son but pretty much everybody else as well. How limiting for others when someone is trying to constantly steer them in set directions and I have to add that this behaviour is equally limiting for me or whoever else is attempting to do the steering because steering is, in itself a self limiting behaviour.
Our natural capacity to have fun is very different from the need to be entertained.
“Just because we may like something one way, that doesn’t mean it’s true for all.” A beautiful way to live and let live. It is the expression that counts and not the right or wrong. If we get stuck in the right and wrong of things we always try to fit in, to fill in, to complete the perfect picture stifling our natural unfolding of our expression.
If we only truly appreciated what we each bring instead of focusing on an outwardly right and wrong then life would look and feel completely different as a whole society.
It would be great for teachers to teach in schools that there is no expectation to be perfect, I remember feeling from school days years ago the criticisms that my work wasn’t good enough. The good teachers we remember are the ones we had a connection to, it was very obvious which ones were supportive.
This reminds me of a time I was living in Italy and teaching a couple of days a week at a primary school. I was there to teach English but my Italian was minimal. Most of the time we just had fun, playing and sharing together. I learned Italian while they learned English. A couple of times the school authorities, hearing us having a good time, reminded me that if anyone was naughty they needed to be reprimanded and sent outside and told that God would punish them but I didn’t subscribe to this. At the end of term the parents all gave such good feed back because the children had enjoyed themselves so much and even picked up a lot of English at the same time. The relationship with the children is what allowed the learning to take place and we all learned more about how to interact, respond and not react and how to get along with each other
‘Letting Go of the Need to be Perfect’ Amen to that anonymous! Perfectionism can be a millstone that we carry around our necks our whole life long, weighing us down and creating a deep anxiety that we are never enough as we are.
It sure does and can Rachel, one of the greatest gifts I have had from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine is the realisation that I am already enough simply being myself and I do not need to do anything or try to be anyone. It is such a sense of freedom the more I choose to live this way with this knowing.
That is what I love about The Way of The Livingness, we are all students and learning. There is no such thing as a perfect human being. It simply doesn’t exist.
How debilitating would life lived, thinking you were never going to be enough? Does failing to be perfect turn off the star we all are? What would the night sky look like without stars?
This need to be perfect infiltrates so much of our lives and was something I grew up with feeling that ‘I had to get everything right’. How amazing for a child to able to express what they feel without this pressure on them, in whatever way that may be – colouring, drawing, speaking, singing… the list is endless. I would love to have been a child in your art class Anonymous 🙂
Todays curriculum is so jam packed, that teachers have less and less opportunity to connect & build relationships with the children they teach. This then creates a robotic/functional space where children do not feel met for who they are which then in turn creates all number of reactions, whether it be shutting down, disruption, disengaged or seeking recognition through compliance. The Art class is a brilliant example of how these early self worth issues are allowed to fester for years and years.
The children miss out on connecting and so to do the teachers who (most of them) would love nothing more than to teach through connection in a completely different way, if they didn’t have the demands of school boards and the education system and parents expectations imposed upon them, their classroom and their students. I’ve seen this play out very clearly with my teenage sons and their friends where they say particular subjects are boring but when we talk about it comes down to the fact that the teacher is sitting there on their phone, leaving the classroom all the time and not engaging with them.
What if our current type of education, that demands perfection and grades you based on this, is actually one of the leading causes of child and adolescent mental health conditions? This is where the rot in how we educate people exposes itself, because our society is clearly suffering from the effects of a perfection-driven system.
We can curse someone in an instant if we are not attentive in what we say. Are we imposing what we believe based on our experiences, hurts, and issues? Or are we allowing the freedom for another to express themselves in their own unique way, guiding and helping when they need or ask for it?
It’s true, we are so scared of making mistakes, and this came from our early years when we were told off for making mistakes. But this totally squashes our natural expression. It’s not fun being scared to walk through life. It’s not fun to be too scared to open our mouths in case we say something that is frowned upon. If we were to clear the effects from our early experiences we have a clean slate to experiment with, without the fear.
I don’t know who you are but thank you so much for writing about this subject of control for discussion, especially how we control children within families and our way of educating them. As a child I disliked school because we had to sit eyes front, sit still, no talking and do what the teacher said, too be honest this was impossible for me to do and I was always in trouble the ‘naughty’ one the odd one out. I liken our education system to a sausage machine we all get put into the mincer sheathed in a strait jacket and come out the other end like dull robots.
I love how young kids are so free in themselves to say, do and move how they want. I agree the kids learn quickly there’s a right or wrong but in them is usually a freedom to express incredibly authentically – something that we seem to taper as we grow up into adulthood. I wonder what the world would look like if that authentic expression was fostered and so everyone had that same freedom of expression.
Being restricted to the right and wrong of another stifles our own unique expression resulting in lack of confusion and lack of true confidence.
We see art as something that is used to express ourselves, but even within that we have rules and should and shouldn’t do’s. I have experienced six-year-olds having a meltdown because they made a minor mistake and then the other day I had to smile when one of them just said oops. It does make you think how difficult life is going to be for the one who could not accept that making mistakes is part of life and that he was setting himself up for a difficult time.
It’s very restrictive to always have a set outcome instead of valuing children’s unique expression. We may be teaching children that there is this one narrow way to be, instead of enjoying their unique expression and fostering their ability to bring forth who they are in their work, as opposed to reproducing another’s work.
I love your bit about coloring outside the lines. And who said grass has to be green? As parents – or grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers – we can destroy a child’s love of exploration before it’s got off the ground, maybe because of our own past hurts around art, for example, or because of how we perceive things ‘should be.’
Having expectations about how things should be – or look – can destroy creativity and individuality. We are human yet everyone of us differs in looks, speech tone and how we move. We are human, therefore imperfect. Perfection is a killer. Could trying to be perfect affect us more than we think?
Indeed Sue, the perfection dilemma is one that affects so many of us. Remove perfection and we can start to hold ourselves in a depth of love and understanding.
The observations of drawing by some children can also be seen as a reflection of a way that infiltrates life in many ways. Trying to get it right – a pattern that holds many back during their life. As mentioned we bring so much colour and by letting go and being free in all relationships and endeavours co-creates beautiful rainbows in our day
We are so sensitive and I can feel from reading this how crushing it feels to sense that what we are doing isn’t good enough. To the extent that we change our movements to try to be good enough. We can feel that at school – what we are doing at school never measures up and will never be good enough because of the trajectory of progress and improvement that we are continuously expected to be heading along. In fact we are expected or we expect ourselve to be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist, and we know that deep down. So really we are playing a game of trying to achieve something that can’t be achieved.
I have lived most of my life being a closet rebel and loved colouring outside the lines at every opportunity because it was fun and not at the cost of anyone else. Back in school, I had the classes I did not like, writing was one, with all its rules there was no room to have fun. My assignments were always like a battlefield with the amount of red everywhere! Science was always fun because it is based on ‘what if’ and ‘what happens if’! Life does make us colour in the lines, but the opportunity does creep in
“Who says it’s not right?” When we are confined by the narrow lines of perception of others we become contracted in our expression.
When we tell children what to do, what to think, how to think it – when it comes to the point when they finally get asked to get creative and think for themselves they can go into overwhelm and panic. I see this in schools so often. When we fail to connect to the fact that children are innately creative and knowing, we diminish them and ourselves because we are capping an expression that we could all benefit from.
Anonymous, I love this article. I can feel so often with kids we tell them what to do and how to do something, not allowing their natural expression. We make it about doing things in the ‘right’ way or the ‘wrong’ way. Reading your article I can feel how crushing this is for children.
Reading this blog I am struck by the immense restricions of what we deem as perfect or ‘right’ that imprison us, holding back this magnificent expression that is uniquely within all of us. We have all these pictures imposed on us as children and then strive to achieve them throughout our lives while in the mean time accumulating more pictures. It is completely crippling as without those pictures we would be free to express from what we hold within, which is infinitely more beautiful then any picture we could ever come up with.
Some great observations thank you for sharing. We can be so quick to judge another yet what if we are all exactly where we need to be to learn what we need to learn? So then who are we to judge another for their own learning?
Allowing ourselves to feel into what is needed in each moment, without a picture of how it should or shouldn’t be done, supports us to evolve and deepen our awareness and understanding of life as we tap into the multi-dimensionality of our universe, where there is no ‘perfect’.
When I first started to consider that there is no such thing as perfect – as ‘perfect’ implies that there has to be a very specific constellation in order for it to be perfect – it was enormously liberating. Nothing stays the same, things are moving all the time as our planet spins around the sun, therefore, it makes sense that what works now, may not work tomorrow.
What a huge disservice it is to our children to extract the joy of experimentation out of learning. If we insist that something has to be a particular way, we miss out on the incredible discoveries and expressions that arise when we really tune into what we feel like doing. Yes, learn the rules that make things work, but not at the expense of our playfulness or confidence, that just makes for a dull world.
“This is what lasts with the kids –the connection and relationship we build with them first” – yes, it is what lasts with every human being, whatever age; without [quality] connection, there is nothing, and when there is nothing purpose is lost. Hence connection is the purpose to everything and everyone in life.
“For me the joy in teaching is first and foremost about building a relationship with the kids, having fun, then the subject”.
An empowering and inspiring way to start school life, that would support children to hold their own inner connection and not be crushed by the system along the way.
A beautiful way for children to learn that as they grow up through life, they have a secure inner foundation of trust in relationships and making life all about people first.
Going into secondary school I thought I was quite good at art, but the art teacher at college took an instant dislike for my style and me and that was the end of that. School for me was so much about them trying to mould me into something that I really wasn’t, which resulted in rebelling which was so counter productive in getting on in life. In the perfect world we would be supported to learn and be schooled in the fashion that we individually require. This maybe something that will come about when we are more evolved and realise the importance and benefits proper education for all will bring to this planet.
It is so true that when relationships come first before the subject being taught, what is taught is retained much better and enjoyed too. This makes school about community and living in the world and not just about ticking the appropriate boxes to show achievements.
Agreed if we get rid of perfect we are open to living in a way that is always unfolding, a way that is enjoyable rather than the perfection killer or being on edge if we are right or wrong.
A great example that can be applied to all facets of our lives. Everything is about our connections and relationships with everyone and everything, showing us the beauty and importance of connecting from our heart and the magic that unfolds from there.
You write about the colour rules and I remember being told ‘Blue and Green should never be seen’ and I always reply, ‘But what about the bluebells???’ They are a carpet of blue on a bed of green and for me always thrill to see each May when I was in the UK.
And I cannot help but say one more thing: There is perfection in imperfection – this is what is to be celebrated.
I have been a perfectionist all my life – wanting things to be ‘perfect’ in one way or another and always holding a picture in my mind that I have strived to make happen. From school achievements, to sports and relationships… this has affected me in all areas. But what I have learned over the last few years is to begin to explore and let go of these pictures and the perfection. This has been a very gradual process, and one that has happened in layers, much like the gradual peeling off of the layers of an onion! And my understanding of perfection has also changed hugely – so that today I am learning to put quality of energy as a priority first and foremost, before how something might look or appear from the outside – hence it does not necessarily fit the picture so to speak, but fits exactly as naturally and divinely intended.
Perfection, the seeking of, or the wanting of it is a dooming trait for perfection as such that is tied to a picture does not exist. I mean consider this – you ‘create’ what you think is perfect in one perception and then in another perception it is not perfect so you are doomed no matter what! But when you let go of the pictures, the ideal and the beliefs and you allow something to naturally unfold, then there can certainly be a divine perfection in expression. When something is expressed exactly as it needed to be, then this alone is perfect.
The fear of making a mistake has prevented me from doing many things in my life, so much so that I would not even give things a go. This has changed and the change has come about through developing a deeper acceptance of the fact that mistakes are not a punishment but instead something to be learned from.
People come first, well before the activity or the subject of teaching, or before the profit and the business…People and the connection with them is what really matters. Why do we not make this our priority?
Performing to expectations, perfectionism, right and wrong are all banes that we burden ourselves with and then impose on our children – at school, at home, in society, everywhere in fact. And thus the perfectionism epidemic spreads widely and unfettered.
I agree Gabriele and this perfectionism epidemic is crippling people’s potential, stunting our evolution and connection.
The need to be perfect so doesn’t allow us to be ourselves. I know how truly debilitating and controlling it is, along with the constant anxiety it causes. My own journey of letting this go completely continues, but what I can say, is that it is worth challenging and exposing for the falseness it is.
Yes the reduction of teaching must be so hard for teachers when they know how they would like it to be but there is a need to tick boxes and a very short time to do that in. However you have shown that it is all possible.
I now find myself working with children and I too find that the connection is by far the most important thing. What I am observing is that the children are much more open and willing to share and talk when they feel that you are actually right ‘there’ with them.
“Sometimes what I see, because we are so prone to telling children and people what to do, is that kids can’t think for themselves.”
Reading this sentence literally clicked a switch in my mind. For much of my life I have ‘held back’ waiting for another to ‘make the first move’ and I have just realised it comes from my childhood and ‘the being wrong mentality’ that I had experienced. Thank you anonymous, I feel such a sense of joy and strength, I also feel a deep surrender to responsibility, and all that this means.
Totally agree, ‘it is not worth holding onto things’. It crowds the space where an otherwise spontaneous joyous expression can naturally be.
There is no perfection here, that’s a good one to let go of. Yes our conditioning starts from young and we are not overly encouraged to connect and feel what is true for us. We all have an equal responsibility not to impose our pictures and ideals on each other and as you wisely say, “We need to be aware of the impact of our words and actions, our movements you could call them, how everything we do and say affects people, including ourselves.”
Kids are not lesser than adults, neither are students lesser than teachers. The consciousness that controls us with separation is harming as it is living Life not from Truth.
And often the students are the best teachers
Going through life trying to be perfect can really be crippling and set us up for not only self-loathing and lack of self-worth issues, but deny us the opportunity to look at all our mistakes as the incredible opportunities that they truly are to learn and grow through the experience of them. I can remember as a kid and going into adulthood wasting so much energy and replaying mistakes I made in my head over and over and over again, beating myself up for the mistake, and to what end? There can be no positive outcome of this way.
Perfection is like thinking life is black and white and it’s your job to colour it in. What a stress and how completely untrue this is – life is vivid and vibrant in every way.
I like what you are showing here Joseph, it makes the factor so clear that we think we need to create and invent life instead of surrendering to all that is there already and simply do what needs to be done. In that way life is unfolding and not filled in.
“Who says it’s not right?”
A great question to ask of ourselves and others when we are told something is not right. Discernment and trust in ourselves is then developed.
Our education system plays a part in this because it does encourage kids to ‘have to get it right and regurgitate a pre-determined answer’. It does not invite them to bring their own ideas and thoughts to something and so when they are given the space to do this they can be paralyzed because they have let go of their inner knowing and now the ‘rules’ for how they need to be are not there.
When we make life about truly connecting with everyone we meet, life unfolds in the most unexpected and magical ways.
I can so relate to what you share here Anonymous… I recall choosing art as a subject in my first year at high school and quit within a month or so because it felt so dry – an apple was placed on the table and we were expected to draw/paint it to look perfectly lifelike. I loved the freedom of expression in art and this wasn’t allowed in this class.
The most freeing thing that I am doing for myself is letting go of the perfection to the point of appreciating everything as a learning.
Me too – the whole thing of trying to be perfect and get everything right is like a pressure pot waiting to explode. Letting myself make mistakes and learn from them is such a freer less controlling and less exhausting way to live.
‘but what happens if you just love yellow on white paper so much that you can’t help but want to share how awesome it looks, you can’t and don’t want to contain it to the lines, you want to share your love and joy of that colour? What happens if you want to colour in in every direction possible, – up, down, left, right, front to back, back to front, only to be told you can’t, it’s ‘not right’?’
I love how you have nailed the joy in colouring in this way; that it is not about learning a technique or fine-tuning motor skills. This is simply an expression of joy – full stop! What a tragedy it is that we misread what is going on here and reduce this beautiful expression into something we feel that a child needs to do to fit in or be worth something..
There is a beautiful quote from Einstein –
‘The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.’
Einstein certainly had a feeling for who we really are, which just goes to show that when we connect so much can come through!
I agree, building a relationship with our children, students or clients is the most important thing and everything stems from that.
We are destroyed by the pictures we are sold about how we should and shouldn’t be according to the dictates we have set as a society that do not come from the essence of who we truly are. These pictures infiltrate our minds from the moment we are born and our parents, family, friends and later partners, teachers and bosses lace their interactions with us based on their own needs and expectations. As we are all very clairsentient beings and can all feel this imposition we put on each other all the way through our lives, without even being consciously aware we begin to shape our bodies to move in accordance with these pictures (ideals and beliefs) rather than be moved from our essence and all the love, truth, harmony, stillness and joy that resides there.
Wowza Liane, this is so beautifully shared – and yes in so many subtle and less subtle ways we have all taken on board these constructs and impositions, which actually have then only served to impede our true expression to unfold.
Yes, we are all moving with our own pictures and mingling with other peoples pictures and it starts from when we are born. By contrast, it is very freeing to move from our essence and ‘the love, truth, harmony, stillness and joy that resides there.’ We all deserve to move in this way, it is our birth right.
Holy Moly, so true! Before we even know it we are living to ideals and pictures and ones that our parents were living to and their parents before them! It seems we are all waiting for something to happen or someone to come along and say ‘Hey – it doesn’t need to be like that’ for us to even stop and consider there might be another way.
The only way I was able to see through some of these pictures (I am still working on a number), to become consciously aware of them, was for someone to point it out to me – granted I was ready to hear it, but because we all seem to accept it as the norm and because this is all unspoken we get trapped in it. The most singular take-home lesson for me was the gentle breath meditation which supported me to know that I had an essence in the first place, that it has always been there but that I had simply chosen to shut down to it. In recognising this and with continued practice in connecting I have been able to raise my awareness to new normals, which are forever deepening.
Yes, we fight peeling back layers to live in connection to our own innate being – a forever deepening.