Purpose in a Relationship

Can you imagine never feeling more love in your whole life for a man and yet knowing that being together has no real purpose anymore? Completing the relationship at the highest point and then experiencing even more love, flow and expansion between the two of you?

This is exactly what happened, and I have to say it is the most amazing experience ever. Like my ex-partner said one morning: “I am waiting for the breakup to hurt, but it doesn’t hurt.” I answered that when there is truth and you align to that, there is no pain. How can there be pain when you are love and the love keeps expanding?

Of course, if there are pictures or if you let yourself get caught in thoughts you can feel hurt, but otherwise there is just an immense joy of being together as friends and allowing the true purpose for a constellation to be lived.

Let me explain about the purpose of our relationship. When we first met both of us really wanted a partner. We thought we were okay on our own, but actually neither of us loved living by ourselves and we loved the attention and feeling special that the other person gave us. I also really enjoyed meeting up with other couples, because a lot of couples don’t invite you when you are single. It gave me a feeling of belonging, but actually the whole relationship was focused on ourselves and how we could be as happy as possible.

What we didn’t achieve in our first round of relationship is living by the ground rules of a relationship and building a foundation for true love.

When we broke up the first time, we did this in the realisation that there was no foundation of mutual decency, honour and respect in our relationship. We realised we had a romantic attraction, but that this is not enough. And despite the good times we had, a relationship is about the consistency of love whereby there are rare times of disturbance and every other time is the grace and beauty of love.

And as a wise and dear friend had shared with us – “We all deserve true love and no less” –  and that was not what we were living.

When we came together again, ten months after the break-up, each of us had taken responsibility for our part of the break-up and for our own needs. We had been in contact since we broke up and could make a fresh start on the basis of building a foundation of mutual decency, honour and respect in all aspects of our relationship. It was an absolute joy and honour to experience this together. During this time and from this new foundation we were more willing to love each other with our all and to allow in that depth of love between us.

We then came to realise that the most important part in any relationship is the relationship we each have with our own evolution. This made me realise that I needed to live my life in a different part of the world than my partner. We had been under the illusion that we had made our relationship about the bigger picture, but this was actually not the case.

After our final breakup, I realised the hold I had on him as a partner and how much more space I could give him (and me). Also, the lie of being different with a friend than with him. Super interesting to realise that when he was no longer my partner, I could let him be. Before I needed him to be something for me (quite selfishly so). For example, I needed him to be in connection to his body, so that we could be more connected.

I am super grateful to be able to have completed our relationship in a way that gave us both a foundation for our next relationships, ones that will be grander than the one we had.

I’m also grateful to have learned what absolute love is as a foundation for a relationship and to enjoy being with another, adoring them and appreciating every detail about them. The way we completed, travelling together, shopping, cooking and hanging out, was just perfect.

But now I know that love alone isn’t enough. Love is the basis, but a relationship needs more than that. It needs a deepening of love, a forever unfolding of evolution and something that is bigger than just me and another person being happy.

Whether we are in or out of an intimate relationship, we are always in a relationship with ourselves, with our Soul and with purpose. This is what enriches life and allows the unfolding of true love with everyone. A process that forever deepens and to quote Serge Benhayon:

“There is no off button in love…

Only more love to deepen into.”
(Serge Benhayon, Esoteric Teachings and Revelations Volume II, p 474)

By Monika, The Netherlands

Written with permission of my ex-partner.

Related Reading:
Making a Relationship about True Love
Relationships are always about Evolving – the Key to making Relationships Work
True Love … no Valentine’s Day Card required

25 thoughts on “Purpose in a Relationship

  1. Very few of us have been brought up in the holding truth of love and so we have a tendency to hang on to something even if it is so toxic because we cannot bare to be left to feel our own internal misery.

  2. Thank you Monika, as love is like a part of the universe that is forever expanding, and when it becomes static something has to shift so as you have shared true intimacy along with “grace and beauty of love”, brings much expansion to every relationship.

  3. I can really relate to, ‘when he was no longer my partner I could let him be.’ I know in many of my relationships I put demands and conditions onto my partner. I got annoyed when they didn’t treat me as I wanted, but I wasn’t living the standard I demanded! I reacted to them reflecting this back to me and blamed them for my lack of love with myself – if only they respected me and treated me well I’d be fine. My lack of space towards them created constant tension where there was little space for appreciation and honouring of the other person. So wonderful to see the set up and start embracing love myself more fully.

  4. This is worth reading many times. I don’t particularly enjoy being single but reading this I’m reminded that what I’m really missing is the relationship with my Soul that I often distract myself from through fantasies of meeting someone.

    It’s an old habit; when I also know the truth of being with someone, loving them deeply but knowing that without purpose that is not enough. It’s like the relationship is super loving but flat. It’s not that I’m thrill seeking but rather there is a an element of stagnation.

    I have much to learn in this arena so love your sharing, thank you.

    1. Karin thanks for your honesty, we do miss the relationship with our soul, that I have come to understand is the greatest angst we have in this life. This leaves a huge gap within us that we constantly try to fill, usually using another person or others to provide the love that we refuse to give to ourselves. This puts a huge strain on any relationship because no one can do this. We need to return to our soul and reignite the absolute purity of love that is there waiting for us.

  5. Your blog exposes how we have all settled for less in our relationships
    ‘But now I know that love alone isn’t enough. Love is the basis, but a relationship needs more than that. It needs a deepening of love, a forever unfolding of evolution and something that is bigger than just me and another person being happy.’

  6. How magnificent we all are when we connect deeply and understand our evolutionary path, and as you have shared Monica, and Love is only one aspect in every True coming together of people as a couple.

  7. Reading your beautiful words Monika I can feel that there is something more magnificent than anything we mortals can envisage – an intimacy with God and the Universe. All of our relationships are to be honoured in the way that you have shared – an integrity that is our innate way to be with one another.

    1. And that Susan is so much of the problem, as mortals we don’t even try to envisage, we see what we see and that’s that. And by only accepting what our limited perception perceives we are blind to the fact that we are the intimacy of God, that in truth is who we all collectively are, it’s the very fabric of us and The One Life that we’re an integral part of.

    2. We have been sold so many lies that are woven together to make the one big lie that we are mere mortals living one life. The lie is so deep we cannot even fathom that we are immortal beings trapped in a way of life that has been set up from the get go to keep humanity in the reductionism of the one life. As I unpick the lies I can feel that there is a greater part of us. That this greater part of who we are is the truth coming to the fore, the more this can be felt the more stillness I can feel in my body. The stillness is so invitingly exquisite that it is all I want to feel. So that when something occurs that tries to race my body I can feel the disturbance around me and say no that’s not it and so stay with the stillness.

  8. It’s great to be reminded that the truth supports everyone equally. If what you choose is true no one is left less or misses out. The opposite in fact. So to hold back from honouring what we know to be true in case it hurts others is just a big lie.

    1. I agree Joseph but many of us hold back from expressing the truth because although everyone is ‘supported equally’ by it many people will take a ‘temporal knock’ or even a ‘whacking great temporal wallop’ from what the truth exposes. And because most of us are fervently avoiding the truth we don’t like it when it’s presented to us, in fact we’ll often react negatively even if it’s not presented to us directly.

      1. Alexis what you are saying then is that we do know the truth because if we didn’t know the truth we wouldn’t avoid it, how could we when we wouldn’t know what it is we were avoiding. So you have just exposed the lie we are all living not wanting it exposed. So that when someone comes along and exposes the sham we are all living the hostility directed at that person would be off the richter scale, because no one wants to be exposed in the lie we have created for ourselves.

  9. Thank you Monika. For this exquisite sharing; for the transparency; for the openness and for letting everyone learn from what you learned. You have picture busted and exposed the set up that romance and idealism is… this is gold. And to top it all you have made clear that our primary relationship is with our soul, the one thing that truly connects us to everyone. How truly beautiful, romantic, inspiring and honouring is that 💫

    1. The truth is we are already permanently connected to everyone, it’s a complete set up that we have unquestioningly taken on to believe that we’re individual people choosing to be with certain people for a certain period of time before moving on to ‘someone new’ for another period of time (or that we have chosen to ‘stay with one person’ for our entire life). And that we live with a set number of people in a certain location and work with a limited number of people in another isolated location. We are The Collective Soup of God, One Mixture, no drops outside the Pot not even fleetingly.

  10. Monika, thank you for writing this. Incredible offering that when both people get really honest and express in full, a break up can actually be healing and very loving. Love this sharing that there is another way and that break ups don’t have to be hard or painful as we seem to have normalised and often expect them to be.

  11. Monika you have blown apart the word relationship from what you have described there are not that many people in what would be called a true relationship. And yet we are in relationships all the time, even with the cashier at the supermarket when we buy our groceries. How we treat ourselves reflects how we treat everyone we come across. That is very sobering, because it brings us back to responsibility. To be responsible for how we treat ourselves, do we truly deeply love ourselves and do we as Serge Benhayon has so beautifully penned realise there is no off button only more love to deepen into. Or, do we plateau and say that’s enough?

    1. To realise the endlessness that is possible in our experience of love, that there is no ultimate goal to reach, is beyond inspiring, touching on the magnificence that lies behind what we assume and think life is.

  12. This is a fascinating read Monika thank you for your honesty, I completely get what you are saying here
    “Super interesting to realise that when he was no longer my partner, I could let him be. Before I needed him to be something for me (quite selfishly so). For example, I needed him to be in connection to his body, so that we could be more connected.”
    Is it possible that when we need something from another person then we are the needy one? We want them to be something we are not willing to be ourselves.

  13. Dear Monika, thank you so much for your blog, it is a completely new way to look at relationships and love. I could relate to a lot of what you said and the ownership in relationships, with a partner or other person, and the conditions that we need others to be a certain way before we turn on the tap of love. It sounds like there was so much learning each time you were together and apart. I found the whole read very inspiring, thank you.

  14. Wow, and the biggest of wows ever; you are describing purposefulness and true service to all and the all and not just the personal interest/s of the two of you, no matter how great the relationship is or might have been. The expansion and evolution on offer feel absolutely magnificent.

    1. I agree with Gabriele Conrad. We have been offered a different way to be with ourselves and all others in our interactions, as we are in relationships with each other all the time. However we are caught up in the illusion that we are separated by nationality, class, or colour. We have two arms, two legs, a head and a body, we all come in the same way and we exit the same way. We all have the same internal organs etc., we don’t own our thoughts, so is it possible that it is our thoughts that keep us in the separation?

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