My Returning Road Back to my Body

Recently I read a blog on a well-respected, professional website about healing trauma using one’s imagination: but surely using our imagination is not Truth?

In my past I have built scenarios, happy scenarios, whereby I would dream, or would rather settle down to dream about beautiful homes in the Highlands of Scotland, surrounded by the songs, scents, noises and patterns of nature; of better cars; better, more respectful jobs; and of course, a little more good fortune! But as I manipulated these storylines, I would inevitably introduce family members: and then my delightful scenarios would come crashing down as I realised that their success was dependent on others’ responses, over which I had no control, nor should.

And how could I possibly allow my imaginings to influence other people and their lives?

So, I came to realise that this behaviour is not me; it’s not real. It is a cheat; and the only person I am cheating, is me.

These imaginings were escapes from my life of terror and anxiety, commencing early on, which set me up for 50 years of poisoning anxiety: feeling the acid rising from my stomach and racing through my veins – burning and causing yet more panic. In those days it seemed that I was constantly alert, always anticipating trouble.

I set myself up early in life to accept abuse as normal, in reaction to my late parents’ behaviours. And so it continued through my marriages with life-threatening, physical abuse in the first, and passive, mental abuse in the second: each managing to convince me that I deserved it.

I poured all my attention, initiative and application into my work as a means of denying what was actually happening to me in my life, and at some places, yes: it worked; but not all.

At some establishments, I would sometimes feel awkward and uncomfortable around certain members of staff who would taunt or resent me for my quality of work and the plaudits it received.  Other forms of behaviour I invited for myself, as I was ingratiatingly respectful, in a submissive way, mindful that trouble was anticipated…

There was both sexual harassment and discrimination, which I found disturbing and frightening; and eventually I realised that the pattern of abuse I had experienced in my family was also being repeated in the workplace. I finally put a stop to this specific level of abuse, following a stream of intimidating behaviour from one of the managers. I remember my whole-body trembling as I stood up to him. I remember how his eyes changed as my words resonated deep within him. We became friends and he backed me in my decisions thereafter.

There followed 11 years of solace and introspection, living on my own and re-discovering the beautiful qualities of the young girl I had disconnected from 50 or so years previously. By experiencing the trauma from all those years ago that back then my adrenaline had anaesthetised, and through learning to understand and appreciate the physicalness and physiology of my body, I am now returning to it, and accepting it as more truthful and reliable than my head, which can be fed thoughts that revel in all the drama and anxiety, and which are now gradually being side-lined.

There’s been a reality in my life that I had been avoiding, because it was unpleasant and forgotten.  Years of silence when I was being picked-on, with subsequent thoughts of justice racing around my head; my nonsensical responses because I was frightened, nervous, feeling awkward and unable to speak coherently or sensibly. Silly little deeds in order to be noticed, or done to spite a sibling, parent or partner …

Such psychological abuse set in motion chemical releases around my body to set me in flight mode; to run, my body taut, overrun with adrenalin and ready to spring into flight – but nothing happened. There was no release of this chemical overdose and no trigger or activity to use it up. It remained toxic within me slowly causing damage, becoming a sign of physical damage that I was doing to myself, despite no one actually touching me.

Then one morning, a year or so ago, I ended up on all fours in excruciating pain, unable to move for the fear of yet more pain. It was exhausting; and on gaining relief as I was helped onto a sofa to lie down – slowly relaxing and allowing the spasms to lessen, I began to realise just where this pain was.

I paid attention and felt my womb, ovaries, appendix, bladder and lower intestines; and I felt their pain. The bruising and shock, the jerking and friction of being jolted and jostled into one another. The subsequent pain and relief as they slowly returned to their original and correct juxtapositions, slowly relaxing out of their contracted state.

It was a stunning revelation to connect to the assault that happened to my body over 40 years ago; and in doing so, understanding that I hadn’t actually experienced the pain then, because I had promptly passed-out. I was feeling it now, 40 years later, because I was beginning to allow the release of these truly awful traumas; and with the letting go, came the childhood memories of abuse that had been triggered by jealousy.

Yes, engaging more with my body brought me back to reality – to the truth of the matter.

Because I had retreated from my fear and panic as my body was finally relaxing and returning to its natural physiology, I too started stressing less; and this allowed me to eventually relax and to focus on my sore organs. I remember feeling a deeper understanding for them, and as I paid them this long-overdue attention, it was as though they started opening up to me. Not only did the pain go, but all the trauma around that incident was released, because I understood and accepted why it had happened.

I was certainly not condoning the abusive behaviour, but I was understanding how it was borne of an ugly reaction to what must have been seen as a joyful day when compared to a black day at work. That reaction was not mine, nor was it my responsibility.

Rationalising from my head as an adult was the way I thought that I had moved on from these abusive scenarios, but the truth is, the trauma of the abuse had remained buried in my body.

Learning why I used to verbally lash-out was part of an adopted belief that being fore-armed was being fore-warned; in other words, being on the offensive was the best way of defending myself from being hurt. But my silences in response to my parents’ hurtful taunts encouraged more taunting as my silence condoned the behaviour. My little protests encouraged more goading. I learned to avoid possible scenarios, and avoidance became one of my serious escapes. Study and work became my focus and my distraction from my uncomfortable life.

This recognition, the awareness, and the settlement that this brought to my body washed over me in a deep resonating warmth through my veins. This embodying allowed for a healing and a letting go of those old habits of being too dedicated to work, complications, protection and distraction.

I am learning that the way to truly heal trauma and its addictions, in my case abuse and anxiety, is to deepen my own self-love, to appreciate me and all that it is that I do and how I do it, for myself, not selfishly-so to the detriment of others, but inwardly-so for myself and my health, well-being, and body and to re-set the balance.

I am learning to appreciate that my body is not a machine that can continue doing everything that I want it to do. It is an integral part of me, without which, I wouldn’t be able to move through life as I do.

I am beginning to realise how much I lived in distraction and complication because this gave me an excuse to invest and divert more of my concentration into the problems and issues in my life; or sometimes for my own self-recognition.

And yes, we often take care of our cars better than ourselves; until, of course, some life-threatening situation forces us to stop and reappraise our lifestyles and priorities.

So now I do my best to prepare a drink, not just when I feel thirsty, but also, what I feel my body actually needs; to prepare what my body wants when I feel hungry and not when it’s convenient to me; to recognise that my eyes need more drops to moisten them; to rest when I feel drowsy; to accept that I am not as young as I once was – and that I actually cannot keep going for as long as I used to, let alone perform the heavy or arduous tasks I once did (probably self-abusing actually!).

It now feels supportive to go to bed when tiredness starts to knock, not waiting until the end of the programme, or when others want me to; even to visit the bathroom when I feel the urge, rather than putting it off. I’m learning to not eat foods that give me headaches, make me feel racy, bloated, or even ill; to appreciate that my body is not a machine: that it needs to digest and process all that I swallow, and from which it then needs to recover. So, I am now learning, by its responses, to choose foods that are gentler on my digestive system so that I am not burdening it so much, that my body needs rest too.

By feeling the sensitivity in my body, I am becoming aware of sensations that I would not previously have felt or recognised, such as milder aches and pains and feeling that actually, yes, I have had enough to eat, or oops, there might be something wrong with that gum or tooth; so that I can seek the proper advice before something more serious develops.

I’ve begun adjusting my routines so that they support me throughout my day and support my sleep, even down to choosing which pillow: firm-down, soft-down or even woollen! And sometimes preparing a day or two in advance for an event, so that there is no last-minute rush, panic or anxiety.

I am learning to deepen the way I walk in a way that my whole body moves harmoniously, until each step is a willing and effortless spring into the next; and to feel the joy that whole-body-synchronicity brings as I realise that in those moments, this is joy – like I really am coming home to me, settling down in my body, truly so, for the first time in a very long time.

My new best friend. My body and me.

By Maggie   

Further Reading:
How to listen to your body
My understanding of abuse
My Relationship With Me And My Body

31 thoughts on “My Returning Road Back to my Body

  1. I have recently released energy from my body that happened over 50 years ago. I didn’t know it was there because when the incident happened I left my body and went into my mind for what I thought at the time was safety and never reconnected back to my body. By letting go of the energy I feel quite light in my body not so weighted down. Now it feels as though I would like to be kinder, not be so hard and judgemental on myself. To cut myself some slack at last.

  2. That submissiveness through escape into fantasy has the effect of leaking the anger and rage out in other ways — deceit, frustrations, retorts and reactions, bitterness, spitefulness, arguments, resentments, comparison, jealousy, — all those nasties that then rule our lives in a desperate attempt to redeem ourselves. Life becomes a horrible web of confusion and entanglements which cause further anxiety. Whereas fully feeling the anger or rage deep in its root in every cell of the body, and recognising it for what it is and why it’s there, brings about release and healing.

  3. Ah Maggie, the ‘internal raging’ is so familiar to me, for many many years deeply suppressed and unfelt until I met Serge Benhayon when I started to recognise it kept me running with adrenaline, like racing with and against myself! It is so familiar, it becomes the safe place to be however uncomfortable it feels. Your very excellent article has helped me to address it all over again. I used to think it was just the shock of having been subjected to endless interminable abusive tirades that was the adrenaline trigger, but of course I would have been angry. In suppressing the anger by escaping into fantasy and never fighting back I set up an ideal situation to subject myself to endless anxiety and panic attacks all my life, and that’s about 72 years now, as I reckon it began when I was about 8. Re-awakening those feelings in different parts of the body has been a long slow learning, they were so anaesthetised as you say. Keep going, there is always more to deepen into. Thank you, with love Joan

    1. Joanchristinecalder as you say
      “Re-awakening those feelings in different parts of the body has been a long slow learning, they were so anaesthetised as you say. Keep going, there is always more to deepen into.”
      I understand the slow learning because we have buried things so deep within us that it can take sometime to come out. Serge Benhayon and the practitioners of Universal Medicine have been a huge support in providing a safe environment to be able to let go of childhood trauma.

  4. I understand what you mean Maggie by being fore-armed and fore-warned, to expect attack by words or deeds and so it keeps us on the alert, which is exhausting for our bodies because they are running on adrenaline all the time. I took it many steps further by bashing myself up because it ran through my mind that I would rather smash myself than give someone else the pleasure of hurting me. When we are run by our minds then we can be very self abusive, learning that our thoughts are not our own but are given to us from a pool of conscious energy is a complete stop moment, we are being completely fooled by thinking we think. That is a huge pill to swallow, but if we are open to the possibility then we get to see just how much we are controlled by outside forces that make it appear that we are making the decisions when in fact we are being controlled.

  5. Thank you Maggie, as when we live in the Joy that we had as a child then each step and thus movement we have is deepening our evolution back to the innate love of God we all came from.

  6. I love how you have exposed the use of the imagination “to heal/feel better”. The deepening connection you have shared around allowing yourself to truly feel what was being held in the body allowed for a release of what was there. Deeply loving ourselves, our body teaches so much about how to be and to heal, it also shows us how to be in loving connect with others.

  7. So much is understood, when we listen to another who has been through the true path of healing, so thank you Maggie, as what you have shared is so True for our healing.

    1. Thank you Greg. ❤️

      During writing this I was amazed at how much I have let through; by acknowledging new truths that were not at all evident. In fact there was a point in my life when I would have defended them, justified them.

      In accepting this I am now realising that there are many more deeper layers yet to reach; and now I am understanding that we seemingly cannot always manage all this on our own; and that there is help and support out there. We just need to want to ask.

      1. When we come to an understanding of what is needed for our healing, then every resource becomes a power-full tool in our arsenal against the lies and that inner voice that is wanting us to place these thoughts as being our own another lie, and thus being still in our own inner quite, opens the door for our evolution as Pythagorus taught.

  8. I love the journey of honesty and its rich rewards of truth; and deeper truth and yet even deeper truths, Richard.

    I feel now that I can embody more truth as I know that the only way that I; and therefore all of us, can really truly heal from any trauma (physical, mental and emotional) is to find that little golden nugget – the gem of the original energy at play; the true first truth; so that we can settle with it and then discharge it.

    There is still plenty for me to have a go at:

    I am aware of some; and for now I can’t yet allow myself to go there; and probably there are many more of which I am so far, completely unaware. All will cascade down into my consciousness at some point. I even have a template set up called “Ponderings”; and when I feel to explore a niggle, I write; and sometimes it develops and opens up; and sometimes the door remains stubbornly closed.

    I love this journey of returning; it was once frightening, but now it is exciting; and yes: joyful.

  9. It’s very interesting to read these blogs and your blog is no exception Maggie because it seems that we have all suffered abuse and hurts of some sort. As children we have a natural understanding of God and the world, which is not allowed to blossom and grow but is crushed by words that are more impactful than an atomic weapon. Words penetrate our bodies and lodge in them and they can be very poisonous, so that if left un dealt with colour how we perceive ourselves and others as we grow older. Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon is the only teaching that I have come across that actually supports people to access the wounds that the words leave in our bodies so that they can be healed. The relief in our bodies is enormous as it allows the body to move more freely as the poison is extracted and there is a lightness in our step as all the pain, misery, anxiousness lessens in our bodies and we are able to move freely again as we once did as children.

    1. That puts a lie to “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me”, Mary!

      What an evil set up this is: all the many ways in which we have been manipulated, coerced, cajoled, forced to follow Creation’s ways.

      Our turning off and not caring, to protesting, being rebellious and then being persecuted; externally complying and internally raging…

      So much damage to ourselves, so much tension and trauma; and yet for most – it’s just a day in our lives. We desensitise so much that we no longer notice that we are being wronged; lied-to; manipulated. We submit to fear, to retribution… We comply.

      And definitely, without Serge’s loving and supportive truths, would we still be blind to Creation’s ways? Possibly not, for most of us were asking questions about Life; and now many are protesting around the world, but these protests are empty. Full of anger and justification, but there’s no understanding, no apprecitions of the differences, the subtleties at play…

      Whilst Serge has given us so much more than that – he has offered us all the methodology. Our toolkits are far more comphrensive than any plumber’s or electrician’s; dentist’s or surgeon’s; and keep on growing as our understanding deepens.

      I love it; and now I enjoy life.

      1. Well shared Maggie, and may I add another idiom, ‘turning a blind eye’. And even when we see openly with both eyes we still have reservation about the truth as we have been force fed so many lies.

      2. Absolutely Greg; and so too we have, “turning a deaf ear” and even “chopping off your nose to spite your face”! There’s so much truth in these idioms, yet they frequently fall on “stoney ground”; possibly because of the way they are delivered.

      3. The teaching of the Ageless Wisdom brought through in this life by Serge Benhayon exposes what goes on behind the lies of creation, the lies are completely unpacked so that it is possible to reclaim ourselves as the sons of God because we do come from the universe and we will return back to our origins this is the law of the universe it cannot be denied only delayed which is the game our spirit has been indulging in for thousands of years at the expense of the body it en-houses.

  10. Wow, I love the unfoldment of a truer way to life, turning your back on the long-term abuse and self-abuse and letting the body be your guide and show you the way.

    1. Thank you Gabriele, ❤

      I love the honesty that I am now finding within myself; and I love that little squirming feeling I get that shows me that there's yet another little belief, or ideal that isn't sitting well anymore; and needs teasing-out. I am more aware than ever before; but whilst I will commit to writing about some, it's like I can't yet quite grasp fully the context of others.

      My little "squirming" feeling used to be an "uh-uh" or an, "oh-no!" moment as though I was feeling something that yes; shouldn't actually be there – but because of where I was at at that time, it was an alien concept that was wrong! I felt guilty.

      Now, I have a far deeper understanding of the "What Is" and the "What Is Not" scenario and recognise them truly for that!

  11. Yes,thank you Maggie fo your sharing – and in particular ‘I am learning to appreciate that my body is not a machine’. This is something that most can relate to – I know I can.

    1. Many years ago Susan, I became appreciative of the “Mind Over Matter” theology/practice; and what a set-up that has turned out to be!

      And what a grasp it has held over us for such a long time – basically just allowing the ego to run roughshod over the body, with no respect whatsoever, for its slight frame and delicacy!

      I feel a distant memory of being belittled because I felt to not do something, that obviously somebody else wanted me to do. I felt that it wasn’t right; or that I couldn’t physically do it for some reason; and so I was callously goaded, coerced by being made to feel foolish in front of others, to do whatever it was…

      It is a long road back once we have taken these routes; or so it seems. But with each tiny pearl of restored memory, comes a greater understanding of the evil that has been manipulating us.

  12. An article rich with honest, intimate tenderness. Thank you Maggie for sharing this so beautifully and openly. So simple and inspiring… ‘the joy that whole-body-synchronicity brings’.

  13. I have been more loving towards myself, taking more care every day by introducing rituals in my life.
    I slowly started going to bed earlier, changing what I was eating, paying more attention to how present I was with myself (not trying to be perfect either), It made such a difference and it transformed my life.

    1. It is still and will continue to be, a joyful and rewarding “work in progress” for us all Alexandre.

      I love how we naturally respond to deepen as our sensitivity grows; which is truly a great “unfolding” and almost a new word to our vocabulary. ❤️

      1. When we start to appreciate that we are deeply sensitive beings then there is an unfoldment as we allow our natural sensitive expression. We have been led to believe that sensitivity is a negative attribute when actually it is the backbone of who we truly are and the richness it provides can sustain us through any crisis.

  14. Your openness and honesty is so transparent and without emotion Maggie, and this account will support others from similar experiences to re-connect back to their bodies too. What a great service you bring here, thank you.

    1. Thank you Gill, I love this unfolding, through which our writing seems to gently support us. A willingness to go-there, to deepen, as we explore and unravel our false narratives.

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