What I was Missing was Inside Me all Along

by Kirsten Roslyn Barrett

It was in April 2009 when I first met Serge Benhayon whilst attending my very first Universal Medicine course. Up until that time in my life I had been obsessed with being of service to others. I had studied and practised Chinese Reflexology, Reiki, Angel Therapy, NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming), Kinesiology, Iridology, did psychic readings and was also an ordained Christian Spiritual Minister holding weekly services. But nothing that I did, studied or read truly answered that ‘call’ from deep within. I had a constant feeling that that something was missing and unanswered, if you will.

Weighing in at a hefty 155 plus kgs, I was smiling on the outside whilst working extremely hard at burying the sadness, pain, hurt, anger, emptiness, self-loathing and lack of love in my body – whilst all along believing I was helping others deal with theirs.

No one, or anything I had studied or read had ever explained nor shown me how the way I lived my life affects not only me, but also everyone else. This was a bitter pill to swallow I have to say, but I could feel the truth in what Serge presented at the workshops and presentations. Something deep within was stirring for the first time and I knew the search was over – it was all about me finding myself.

My initial reaction was that I could take this work out and show it to everyone, as this will help so many. At the end of the course I was determined that I too would be an Esoteric Practitioner and be there to support others. I thought it would be so easy and wouldn’t take me long to be a practitioner as this had been the case with other courses I had attended. But, over the next six months it became very apparent that there was a hell of a lot more involved to being an Esoteric Practitioner than just looking and acting the part physically – which had been the case for me previously. I realised that I couldn’t be of service to anyone if I didn’t choose to live the healthy, loving life that I could now feel the benefits of, especially to myself.

Since attending Universal Medicine presentations I discovered that what I felt had been missing for so long, much to my surprise, was already WITHIN ME, and this was the loving connection with myself. I had not known how to honestly, truthfully and lovingly deal with and let go of all the sadness, pain, hurt, anger, emptiness, self-loathing and lovelessness that I was feeling deep within. I am now aware that I and I alone have control over what direction my life takes, as I and I alone am responsible for the choices that I make, lovingly so.

I am now far more aware of my body and am able to feel what and when to eat. The more that I tune in and listen to my body the clearer I become. I have a lot more energy and feel more balanced, brighter and lighter in more ways than one. My body feels alive for the first time ever – and so do I. Now, at the age of 50 I feel like I’m only 30 with the best yet to come. My weight is positively on the decrease as I a lovingly re-build my foundations for this life.

I stand here today – a joyful work in progress, a loving product of my own choices as I no longer allow myself to be a helpless victim of circumstances. Serge Benhayon lives what he presents in his lectures and workshops, and that is “that life is all about love” – the love that we have for ourselves, for family, friends and everyone equally so.

My heartfelt thanks go not only to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine but to the whole Benhayon family and all the Universal Medicine trained practitioners that have, and are, so lovingly and professionally supporting me along my journey to a healthier, loving and joyful ME.

73 thoughts on “What I was Missing was Inside Me all Along

  1. Beautifully expressed Kirsten. What you say resonates with me in so many ways. the fact that I was already in my own back pocket, and had searched for ‘me’ outside of myself for so long was indeed a revelation, and a great realisation from which to start building my way, a loving way in returning to the true me

  2. Thank you Kirsten, for in sharing your journey so beautifully, you share the journey of many, myself included. With love on your forever journey.

  3. Dear Kirsten, I too felt that enthusiasm to become a qualified Esoteric practitioner each time i attended a course especially in the early days, having been so inspired by Unimed practitioners and Serge Benhayon and the integrity with which they live. And just like you, the more honest I became with myself , the more I realised the responsibility I had to first and for most bring love, joy and harmony back into my life. So, walking that path now…
    It must have been a challenge for you to let go of all the ideals and beliefs associated with the practices you were involved in before Universal Medicine, which makes your story even more inspiring. Thank you.

  4. Ah yes, ‘become a master in a weekend, a month, a year’… I had lots of those certificate too. Felt great to ‘know so much’ but it didn’t make a REAL difference – if anything it made it harder for truth to get in.

    1. Absolutely Joel, the truth is so simple and the mind likes to complicate life by adding more and more knowledge, which can be useful when applied with the wisdom of the esoteric, but knowledge does make it difficult “for truth to get in”!

  5. I have also searched and studied things in the hope of finding what was missing. Then with the support of Universal Medicine you realise that what we are all missing is ourselves and it is so simple, and yet when we connect to ourselves the transformation that happens is absolutely beautiful. I loved reading about your re-connection to you Kirsten, thank you.

  6. Really brings home the point of physician heal thyself. How can we be of true service to another if we haven’t healed from our own hurts and emotional issues? And yes the answer was there all the time except we are taught to look the wrong way – look out, gather information and bring it in rather than look inside, feel what is there and let that out.

    1. The inside out approach that Serge Benhayon presents is so natural, so powerful, and so simple… yet for our entire lives we have often been fed that life is about exactly the opposite. It’s all there within us all, subject to letting go of all the impositions we have acquired along our life’s journey. And that is where having a guide and role-model like Serge Benhayon is so incredibly helpful.

  7. Well said Kirsten, I am sure hundreds if not thousands of us can relate to what you have written and the harm of doing ‘good’ from an emptiness to avoid unresolved stuff within, instead of the true good which comes from a love filled fullness. Certainly that was and continues to be a big learning for me.

    Also great point about the integrity required to be an esoteric practitioner. You cannot walk off the street, do a course and become a true esoteric practitioner. The code of ethics for esoteric practitioners are second to none and it takes not only a great deal of practical experience but a genuine energetic commitment to a loving way of livingness.

  8. Hi Kirsten, I can echo all the above comments and add, that in my own case, I was teaching ‘Personal Development’ – even presenting a talk called ‘Dare to be Yourself’. I now understand the difference between presenting and teaching, i.e. simply presenting what I live instead of teaching from knowledge, and I am learning so much more about what ‘be Yourself’ actually means! Letting go of a deeply embedded ‘surely what I was doing was helping others?’ and fully realising that I was actually helping NOBODY, because I wasn’t living what I was presenting. Now I am simply living me, and presenting that to the world – not by standing up and talking to groups, but in my everyday life. We are all ‘practitioners’ in our way. So now instead of being a Personal Development Coach, I just work on a checkout in a very busy supermarket. It’s amazing how much I am learning there.

  9. Well expressed Kirsten, thanks for sharing your story. We are taught and given role models all about the surface of life – what to look like, to be happy, to help others, to get married, have kids, have a career, but rarely are we given the opportunity to be who we truly are and to live from this.

  10. Thank you Kirsten. What you were willing to see in your life and ‘roles’ in it, that were not true, and what you walked away from, is very powerful, and lights the way for so many. Having known several psychic readers, in particular, and been around much of the ‘new age’ myself… to let go the ‘status’ of such a role indeed shows how powerfully you opened yourself to truth. And look what you found, and continue to discover.. Beautiful, Shining, and naturally Wise, ‘you’.

  11. A beautiful inspiring blog, highlighting what so many of us have done, by focusing on keeping ourselves busy, with helping and supporting others. A good diversion for us, to avoid having to look at what is truly going on within ourselves. It is only when we heal and bring love back to our own bodies can we truly be of service to another. Thank you for sharing your story Kirsten.

  12. Kirsten, I loved reading this, especially what you said about you being a joyful work in progress and a loving product of your own choices, no longer a helpless victim of circumstances – what an amazing and inspirational transformation.

  13. Thanks Kirsten, Before coming to Universal Medicine you tried it all! All the modalities you tried are different, however they share something: where no one chooses to go and this happens to be the key.

  14. Thank you for sharing with such honesty. Socially it is applauded if you are a selfless person who does everything for everyone else before yourself. As you describe, this was not working for you or for anyone else. This was one of the greatest lessons I have learned from Serge Benhayon too, that you have to love and support yourself before you can truly love and support anyone else.

  15. Taking responsibility for the choices we make can be quite confronting, but also honouring of one self and truly empowering. Thanks for sharing your story so honestly Kirsten.

  16. The obvious can be so very well hidden. For me Serge Benhayon is a true messenger of God and it’s in the grace of our connection that the truth can come to the surface of my life.

  17. Thank you for sharing your journey and the ‘joyful work in progress’ that is you learning to love you. Beautiful Kirsten.

  18. Thank you, Kirsten. So true we often think you have to be in a certain profession to be of service to others. Through the presentations by Serge Benhayon, I now understand the bestest service I can bring to the world is simply to express myself in my fullness through every interaction and every activity, and like you, to build the body that can support that expression. Seemingly hard work, but I am working on it.

  19. Thank you Kirsten for a beautiful sharing, the changes to our lives are amazing when we connect to who we truly are – love. I loved the lines “I stand here today – a joyful work in progress, a loving product of my own choices as I no longer allow myself to be a helpless victim of circumstances.”

  20. To be of true service has no ‘I’ in it, yet to reach that place we are asked to deeply love ourselves first. All the certificates I ever had have never made any difference to what I brought to the world, yet simply being present in my body and responding only to what my body requested of me, moving with full presence and love has changed life and all my relationships.Thank you Kirsten for your honest reflection.

  21. ‘No one, or anything I had studied or read had ever explained nor shown me how the way I lived my life affects not only me, but also everyone else.’
    When you really consider this, it just doesn’t make sense that people are offering healing and advice about life if they are not living it themselves, it’s like you just offer the knowledge and it goes from one head to the next -and you end up knowing how to look after yourself, but not being able to put it into practice. The second you get it from someone who is actually living it, it’s like it goes from body to body… you are actually inspired and you are able to put it into practice. There is a powerful difference in actually walking the talk.

  22. Great to read Kirsten. Great point you’ve pointed out in this paragraph: I was smiling on the outside whilst working extremely hard at burying the sadness, pain, hurt, anger, emptiness, self-loathing and lack of love in my body – whilst all along believing I was helping others deal with theirs.

    It’s interesting that we can think that we can help people deal with things when we haven’t even dealt with them ourselves. I’ve been a culprit of this too… It’s a great thing to being to light, that as practitioners, responsibility for how we are comes first.

  23. An inspiring blog Kirsten Roslyn Barrett and a great reminder that to provide quality care for another you must claim and live that quality yourself and express all your care from that same quality.

  24. Truly inspiring Kirsten, it is so powerful to hear how you have embraced life by recognising you make the life you lead. Your line “I realised that I couldn’t be of service to anyone if I didn’t choose to live the healthy, loving life that I could now feel the benefits of, especially to myself.” – reveals the true responsibility we have to choosing to love ourselves first, then we can be that in the world for others to feel and possibly be inspired by. You are a true inspiration!

  25. “I stand here today – a joyful work in progress, a loving product of my own choices as I no longer allow myself to be a helpless victim of circumstances.” Kirsten thank you for sharing your experiences with Universal Medicine. We are all practitioners, in whatever field we work and live, and no-one presented to me how important it is to live with energetic integrity before we work with others.

  26. I enjoyed reading this very inspiring blog Kirsten, I especially liked how you said you were ‘a joyful work in progress’ – beautifully said.

  27. This is a lovely classic Kirsten. Your reference to discovering that you have to do the work of developing a relationship with yourself before being of any true service to others is the fabric that makes what Universal Medicine offers such a contrast to what other modalities offer. Once we understand this, we being our real growth and our lives are enriched immeasurably.

  28. A very inspiring blog that should be read by every practitioner of any modality as it expresses true integrity. We can learn all the techniques of the world, but if we don’t walk the talk and are true in what we live we will never be true practitioners, but just people with issues who work as practitioners. And this accounts for any profession and person as we are all practitioners if we live from truth.

  29. Kirsten – I LOVE it and YOUR JOY is very much felt in your writing. People like Kirsten are the living, walking miracles that the teachings and presentations from Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon inspire. This is absolutely priceless. At a time when obesity is rife, Kirsten and many other Universal Medicine attendees should DEFINITELY be studied.

  30. Having a constant feedback to your own awareness/body is an essential tool to have in your day. Whenever I ignore my awareness there are repercussions and whenever I listen I only ever have a joyful experience.

    So the question is then why do we shy away from our awareness when it is the one thing that can help us navigate life with ease?

  31. “Something deep within was stirring for the first time and I knew the search was over – it was all about me finding myself.” I remember the feeling of something deep within responding when I listened to Serge Benhayon for the first time and it was the start not the end of discovering myself. To find that the love I had been aching for was there within my very being all the time and choosing to be the love that I am is steps back to the Divine love that I and all of us come from.

  32. It’s interesting that when we are used to looking outside ourselves for the answers we also look outside ourselves to see who can benefit from those things that we find. I have done this too, before really being aware that these answers or more so this grace I found was within me all along. To take this to heart and to really feel it and believe it is a great blessing. We do not need to bring something to people, we just need to live the amazing love that we are and reflect this.

  33. Wow Kirsten, what a great read, thanks for sharing so openly. I loved the words that you are “a loving product of my own choices”, this really highlighted for me the power of the choices we make everyday, and that our health and wellbeing is really up to us. Like yourself I also noticed that unlike other courses I had done that led to practitioner skills in modalities, that Universal Medicine offered something completely different, and it was our own self loving foundation that supports us as true practitioners not just the learned skills. It’s the way we live that profoundly impacts clients and all others around us. I love the responsibility in this!

  34. “I stand here today – a joyful work in progress, a loving product of my own choices as I no longer allow myself to be a helpless victim of circumstances.” A powerful statement and a powerful way to live.

  35. “No one, or anything I had studied or read had ever explained nor shown me how the way I lived my life affects not only me, but also everyone else.” This is one of the grandest revelation, to understand and accept that everything I do I equally do to others, that everything I do or have done will be in the presence of my next move. That the quality I chose to be in is the determining factor in life.

  36. Serge Benhayon’s ongoing commitment to making life about love is a deal breaker, showing a whole new way of living. More recently I have deeply appreciated and been inspired by Serge’s commitment in each and every day or even in every moment make life about a more expanded love than the moment before. This is profound and guarantees that he is forever expanding his love for him and all of humanity.

  37. Kirsten thank you for sharing your experiences with meeting Serge Benhayon. You wrote: “I am now aware that I and I alone have control over what direction my life takes, as I and I alone am responsible for the choices that I make, lovingly so.” So you are now a living role model that there is an answer in everyone – the only thing is we have to choose to re-connect to it.

  38. The realisation of something is often fast to grasp and a beautiful gift but to then bring it into our life requires dedication and time until we fully live it.

  39. Beautifully shared Kirsten, all the looking out side of us has really amounted to nothing until the call comes to look within, know who we truly are and begin to live and love our selves, for life to begin.

  40. “I realised that I couldn’t be of service to anyone if I didn’t choose to live the healthy, loving life that I could now feel the benefits of, especially to myself.” And here it is: responsibility. To take it again will change not just our all single lives – but the world!
    We will see!

  41. It’s amazing how many of us work so hard to bury all our unpleasant emotions and choices and yet focus on helping others without first looking to deal with what we have chosen to ignore. Without considering for a moment the profound effect and irresponsibility that our undealt with emotions etc can have on those we seek to support, there can be no true support. An amazing lesson to learn.

  42. “I stand here today – a joyful work in progress, a loving product of my own choices as I no longer allow myself to be a helpless victim of circumstances.”
    This is such a lovely approach to life Kirsten and what a beautiful foundation to have and build for your life!

  43. It never ceases to inspire me how quickly and positively our bodies respond when we live a truly loving and honouring way of life.

    1. I agree Paula – this for me highlights the fact that everything we think we need, we already are. We only need to be willing to surrender to it, through firstly being willing to be honest with ourselves.

  44. ‘A joyful work in progress’, I love it Kirsten. When we consider ourselves work in progress we are far more likely to embrace our imperfections as merely the learning opportunities that they are to rebuild us up.

  45. The thing I get from your sharing Kirsten is how with the other healing techniques you learnt that there was a focus on fixing others, where with the Esoteric the focus is on connecting with, understanding and accepting ourselves, the healing then becomes about supporting others to do the same.

    1. Very true Leigh, and the Esoteric sees everyone as whole and divine in their essence so “healing” is simply discarding that which we are not to let who we truly are to shine through and be lived. This is very different to other healing modalities that “fix” you, add more beliefs, help you become more functional, to be successful in achievements, or generally to become something.

  46. Another great read Kirsten, I have been in that same place of wanting to heal the world and various modalities offered me tangible ways to think I was helping others. What I have learned now is how powerful our personal reflection is, and that living connected to my soul and in a self loving joyful way offers people much more by reflection than the false healing I previously offered. How we lovingly live offers a true healing for all.

  47. The realisation that life can be and in fact is actually very simple is very sobering, and then to allow oneself to live by this simplicity is mind-blowing and life changing.

  48. “Something deep within was stirring for the first time and I knew the search was over – it was all about me finding myself.” Being stirred up is a good sign to look within. Personally, this was a trigger to go into reaction when, it is important to allow the feeling to provide you the truth to go deeper and discover. Being stirred up should be embraced.

  49. It is entirely up to us how we feel in life. The quality we live from will be the quality we feel so it makes sense to be aware of and take care of the quality we are choosing in every moment does it not?

  50. I can relate to that level of excitement about doing a course and being a practitioner – and then the slow dawning realisation of having to deal with my own stuff, first. What makes Universal Medicine modalities different from anything else is that they’re delivered with a level of integrity and clarity, that I haven’t found anywhere else (and I’ve done a lot of searching). They’re delivered by people who are actually living what they talk about, so you get to feel exactly where you’re at – which is amazing, if at times confronting, because then it’s an opportunity to start to deal with everything that is there to heal and let go of.

  51. ‘ I realised that I couldn’t be of service to anyone if I didn’t choose to live the healthy, loving life that I could now feel the benefits of, especially to myself.’ You raise a really important point Kirsten and so many are thinking they are ‘doing good’ such as healers or carers etc when in truth many are totally exhausted and not caring for themselves at all and often end up burning out. When we begin to self-care and live life making more loving choices we offer a reflection for others to be inspired and feel truly supported by.

  52. I can relate with searching on the outside for what was missing, when in reality it was inside me all along, it was simply re-connecting to myself, ‘Something deep within was stirring for the first time and I knew the search was over – it was all about me finding myself.’

  53. I love how you are now far more aware of your body and can feel what and when to eat, ‘I have a lot more energy and feel more balanced, brighter and lighter in more ways than one. My body feels alive for the first time ever – and so do I.’

  54. “that life is all about love” on the surface this sounds so simple, and it is, but it calls for true love to be in every move we make, every word we speak and every thought we have.

  55. The Joy you describe Kirsten is that of Livingness, to live what we know within us, to be honest in expressing the truth which guides every single one of our particles, this is the foundation of what Joy is.

  56. Hi Kirsten . . . ” . . .I was smiling on the outside whilst working extremely hard at burying the sadness, pain, hurt, anger, emptiness, self-loathing and lack of love in my body – whilst all along believing I was helping others deal with theirs.” . . . I used to have a saying that I would say to myself with when people would comment on what a beautiful smile I had and it was . .”not smiling gritting my teeth” . . . it is hard work keeping our hurts under wraps and such a relief to let it all go and be more the love that we are.

  57. A beautiful testimony of the way our lives can turnaround when we begin to connect our love within, our bodies and being, and be guided by the truth that resides therein. What Universal Medicine offers us is in one sense extraordinary, as we are presented a way of living that is guided by our whole-body intelligence, but in other sense also very simple, highlighting what is truly already ‘normal’, as it is a way of living that is innate in all of us.

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