Allowing the Tenderness Within

by Anon

As a four year old girl I decided I wanted to play hockey. I wanted to be like my older brother – my Dad was proud of what he could do on a sporting field so I wanted him to be proud of me in the same way. I was given my first hockey stick and taught the basics then I joined a junior minkey team.

I was pretty good at the sport so I was put onto a hockey field at the age of 5. I realised that the tougher I became, the harder I could hit the ball, and the more willing I was to go in for a tackle without showing I was scared. My ability to get back up again after being taken out in a tackle without showing I was hurt was congratulated and earned me a lot of praise. I became quite good at any sport I tried. At the age of 13, I had made it into the under 18 rowing team. A few years later, after trying discus for a few months, I was selected for the Pan Pacific Games for athletics and had also made it into the state schoolgirls hockey team. I was known as the powerhouse on the hockey field and no opposing team wanted to get in the way of any ball I hit. I remember one day another girl did get hit by a ball that I’d hit and had to be carried off the field. I was devastated that I had done that to someone, even though it wasn’t intentional, and couldn’t sleep for three days. After that I knew I didn’t want to bring that level of force onto a sporting field.

As a teenager I was confused, I ridiculed the ‘girly girls’ for being pathetic but there was also part of me wishing that I could sometimes show I was hurt or cry but I never did. I didn’t know how to be around boys because I didn’t think I was pretty enough so I just became one of them and threw myself into sport more and earned recognition this way but it was never enough. In my mid 20s I was very overweight despite playing lots of sport and I also had the muscle definition of a man in some parts of my body. I was ashamed by this but also used this as an excuse to retreat from people and relationships. I didn’t like how I felt about myself and if any guy showed an interest I would instantly reject him thinking he was either ridiculing me or there was something really wrong with him if he was willing to accept me.

When I first heard Serge Benhayon say, “you need to be more fragile with yourself”, I was outraged. It was like a red rag to a bull, I wanted to take him down, like I would someone on a hockey field. It brought up such a fury in me and I thought he was asking me to be pathetic and I wanted to show him I was tough and could cope. I was surprised by how intense my reaction was.

It was not long after this that I had my first Esoteric Breast Massage. I dragged myself through the door as I was extremely embarrassed and did not want to go, but there was a part of me that just knew it was right. In this session I was treated with a tenderness that I had never before received in my life. After this I reacted and got angry, I did not want to feel all that was coming up, the way I had been with my body for many, many years. However, I could not argue with the physical changes in my body, I had always had very irregular or light and short periods, however after the EBM it was like my body was releasing and I started to have more regular periods.

Despite how uncomfortable I was with what was coming up, I continued to have EBMs. It took a while but I eventually stopped reacting in anger to them and started to accept that underneath that, my whole life I had been wanting to be fragile and tender with myself but I had never allowed that.

Over the period of a year and a half I lost 30 kilos, which I had never been able to do before even when I was playing sport and trying lots of different diets. My body shape changed also and so did the way I interacted with people, I was no longer as guarded. I am still in a process of re-learning how to nurture and treat my body with tenderness and care. While there may not be a proven scientific study behind it yet, I can use my body as my science and I simply cannot argue with the changes that have occurred in my body and in my life as a result of the support from Universal Medicine, its practitioners and healing modalities.

239 thoughts on “Allowing the Tenderness Within

  1. A beautiful unfoldment, letting go of hardness and protection and allowing yourself to embrace fragility and tenderness.

  2. Allowing ourselves to feel our tenderness and vulnerability we realise that we are all equally tender and vulnerable under our imagined armour of protection.

  3. We get praised by showing we are not affected by pain, cruel words or setbacks. No wonder it is such an ingrained trait that many of us have to give the impression to not care. I catch myself doing this often, but will stew about the incident later. The hurts we pretend not to feel don’t go away.

  4. The process of developing nurturing is an ongoing one that evolves and deepens as we evolve and deepen our connection with ourselves.

  5. To begin to uncover the true tenderness and fragility we hold in our bodies is a gift and one that develops and deepens over time. Taking the time to stop and appreciate our tenderness especially in our simple daily tasks is a healing unto itself and can show us so much in terms of how we are feeling and connecting to our bodies day to day.

  6. We toughen up in order to live in a hard and often cruel world forgetting who we truly are and the constant support that is there if only we would pay more attention.

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