As a four year old girl I decided I wanted to play hockey. I wanted to be like my older brother – my Dad was proud of what he could do on a sporting field so I wanted him to be proud of me in the same way. I was given my first hockey stick and taught the basics then I joined a junior minkey team.
I was pretty good at the sport so I was put onto a hockey field at the age of 5. I realised that the tougher I became, the harder I could hit the ball, and the more willing I was to go in for a tackle without showing I was scared. My ability to get back up again after being taken out in a tackle without showing I was hurt was congratulated and earned me a lot of praise. I became quite good at any sport I tried. At the age of 13, I had made it into the under 18 rowing team. A few years later, after trying discus for a few months, I was selected for the Pan Pacific Games for athletics and had also made it into the state schoolgirls hockey team. I was known as the powerhouse on the hockey field and no opposing team wanted to get in the way of any ball I hit. I remember one day another girl did get hit by a ball that I’d hit and had to be carried off the field. I was devastated that I had done that to someone, even though it wasn’t intentional, and couldn’t sleep for three days. After that I knew I didn’t want to bring that level of force onto a sporting field.
As a teenager I was confused, I ridiculed the ‘girly girls’ for being pathetic but there was also part of me wishing that I could sometimes show I was hurt or cry but I never did. I didn’t know how to be around boys because I didn’t think I was pretty enough so I just became one of them and threw myself into sport more and earned recognition this way but it was never enough. In my mid 20s I was very overweight despite playing lots of sport and I also had the muscle definition of a man in some parts of my body. I was ashamed by this but also used this as an excuse to retreat from people and relationships. I didn’t like how I felt about myself and if any guy showed an interest I would instantly reject him thinking he was either ridiculing me or there was something really wrong with him if he was willing to accept me.
When I first heard Serge Benhayon say, “you need to be more fragile with yourself”, I was outraged. It was like a red rag to a bull, I wanted to take him down, like I would someone on a hockey field. It brought up such a fury in me and I thought he was asking me to be pathetic and I wanted to show him I was tough and could cope. I was surprised by how intense my reaction was.
It was not long after this that I had my first Esoteric Breast Massage. I dragged myself through the door as I was extremely embarrassed and did not want to go, but there was a part of me that just knew it was right. In this session I was treated with a tenderness that I had never before received in my life. After this I reacted and got angry, I did not want to feel all that was coming up, the way I had been with my body for many, many years. However, I could not argue with the physical changes in my body, I had always had very irregular or light and short periods, however after the EBM it was like my body was releasing and I started to have more regular periods.
Despite how uncomfortable I was with what was coming up, I continued to have EBMs. It took a while but I eventually stopped reacting in anger to them and started to accept that underneath that, my whole life I had been wanting to be fragile and tender with myself but I had never allowed that.
Over the period of a year and a half I lost 30 kilos, which I had never been able to do before even when I was playing sport and trying lots of different diets. My body shape changed also and so did the way I interacted with people, I was no longer as guarded. I am still in a process of re-learning how to nurture and treat my body with tenderness and care. While there may not be a proven scientific study behind it yet, I can use my body as my science and I simply cannot argue with the changes that have occurred in my body and in my life as a result of the support from Universal Medicine, its practitioners and healing modalities.