I met Serge Benhayon when I was 23. I had been in a relationship with a man that I deeply loved for about three years. Over those three years I noticed that I had closed off from many of my friends, starting with my male friends (to avoid my boyfriend getting jealous). When he drank it was common for him to be abusive and rough with me. Just over a year into our relationship my partner violently beat me up. He was so intoxicated he was calling me someone else’s name. He was shocked, ashamed and regretful of what he had done. After signing up for AA and anger management he told me he would do whatever it took to be with me. He came from a tough background, very different to mine. I had grown up being told I had the potential to be and do anything… he never had this so I gave him another chance. I wanted to show him that someone trusted that he could change. There was no way I was going to get angry, shut him out and blame him like everyone else. I knew my family and friends were trying to protect me by telling me not to do this, but all I could feel was how everyone had closed off and that they judged my partner.
When I first told Serge Benhayon about the relationship I was in, the abuse – and the way people around me had changed after it happened – he just listened to me, with an open heart. As I continued talking I could feel he wasn’t judging me or my partner. He then asked me a simple question, “Do you want to stay with…?” In that moment I felt so safe and held with love and support that I shared with Serge something I had dared not to share with others. I answered “no” (and cried and cried and cried). I could feel this was the most loving thing for us both, as the way we were with each other had to stop. I then shared with Serge how much I loved this man and felt an obligation to be loyal and stay with him. Serge replied, “Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”. This is true. Immediately I could feel how along the way I had misconstrued what it meant to be loyal.
After that session I stayed in the relationship for about another year, and things got worse. There was cheating, lies, miscarriages, break-ups, make-ups… it was really messy. I couldn’t believe the situation I found myself in. It was complete chaos. I was getting jealous of him! I was miserable and felt guilty whenever I upset him.
It took a while to cut the ties. When I left he wanted me back and was willing to change for me, but not for himself. I knew if he made changes for me they wouldn’t last, so I kept saying no, reminding him of the toxic cycles we allowed ourselves to be in when we were together. It was very challenging to keep saying no to someone I love. I learnt a lot about myself in this time.
I have no doubt my session with Serge contributed to this change in my life. Just to be clear, Serge never told me to leave my partner, he just asked me if I wanted to stay in the relationship, and said being loyal doesn’t mean putting up with abuse. I learnt how powerful we can be by just listening to someone without judging their choices. I could feel Serge wasn’t judging me or my partner, yet he didn’t hold back from stating the truth about the abuse not being ‘OK’. At the time I felt this was exactly what I needed to hear. I was willing to listen and feel what was true.
It was after my session with Serge Benhayon, that I slowly discovered I could love my partner and say no to the abuse… so that is what I did.
Five years later, my ex-partner would now be the first person to say that our breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to both of us. He has even thanked me for having had the courage to end it – that’s pretty amazing!
by Abby
Listening to and honouring ourselves makes so much sense, our bodies are really wise best friends.
There is so much in what you are sharing here Abby. When we are honest with ourself we know where we are standing and can unravel any situation we are in.
It’s so significant to know we can still love someone but say ‘No’ to the abuse and even walk away. This is also loving for the abuser because if we keep allowing the abuse we aren’t truly caring for that person either, we are in our own way teaching them that abuse is ok and part of loving someone is accepting that, instead of the truth to ask them to either return to being respectful and loving or to walk away.
Yes, something so important to understand. We can so easily fall for sympathy because we see the truth in another and thus excuse and do away with their abusive behaviours. But with that we are complicit with the abuse that is taking place.
All the images we might hold , are often in the way of us experiencing greater love. An acceptance to let go of the false images and allowing more love in has been the most deepest loving thing for me to do in this life, and I continue to do so..
So true – when there’s no judgment we can be open and hear the truth being delivered. Judgment makes us defend and justify our choices.
I love the all the wisdom in this blog, and feels a super supportive blog for anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation. That we can love another, yet say no to abuse is the most loving thing we can do for ourselves.
We are expected to live in a way that keeps the truth underwater, our aim for comfort and shelter is greater than truth. What intelligence have we chosen that leads us that way?
It eliminates what we perceive as right and wrong when we do not judge. I am learning not to judge regardless what another says or does, simply because I have no right to do so. I have no right to think I know the journey of another and what they are here to learn from past choices and reincarnations.
Honouring what we feel is the greatest act of love we can give ourselves and another. It goes against our long sought and held pictures but detaching from them is a huge healing in itself.
How we construct loyalty and allow this to govern our movements is crucial. What are we loyal to?
I wonder how often we feel that rescuing someone is the most loving thing we can do, when actually, letting someone choose for themselves is far more loving as it let’s them know they are the ones who can change their life. Your ex-partner shared that with you and you got to feel what it felt like when Serge didn’t save you but asked you what you wanted to do. I know it is not easy but the changes that come from letting someone else be the change in their own life are far more foundational.
The opportunity to be listened to without judgement is a rarity. It shouldn’t be, but it is, we are simply full of opinions about how things should be. So, I love what you share about simply being asked if you wanted to stay in the relationship. Ultimately that is all that was important to work out and it is not always an overnight decision even when you answer yes or no, as you discovered.
It requires great amount of courage to ‘say no’ to what we love, but sometimes this is the only way to come back to love. This is a great lesson of dettachment as well as an opportunity of deepening in the connection we have with others ad ourselves. Once we experience that quality of love, we realise there’s no separation at all.
‘I could love my partner and say no to the abuse’ Coming accross to this point feels a true success Abby. From love we can embrace all and see with our eyes open what doesn’t belongs to it. It offers the needed dettachment to speak up with steadyness, respect and clarity about what feels not right in every relationship that we have. So cool, thanks for sharing so honestly
Serge Benhayon is an example about how respectful we can be with others, allowing them the space to make their own choices and not judging any of them. This humble act offers a space to see clearly what is True and what is not, a powerful way of being indeed.
‘I learnt how powerful we can be by just listening to someone without judging their choices.’ I agree. And this is just as Serge is, to completely be there and listen to someone with love and zero judgement. It is deeply loving to feel and be on the receiving end of this. Also a testimony to you that your ex-partner thanked you in the end for breaking up with him and great to hear how your relationship ended and it wasn’t with bitterness, resentment, anger etc.
Serge Benhayon is a role model to medicine, psychology, counselling and relationships. “I learnt how powerful we can be by just listening to someone without judging their choices.” We have much to learn what true power is.
Beautifully expressed,and it highlights how it is through self-love and self-worth that we are able to choose to say no to abusive relationships.
A relationship between someone who is unable to be with him/herself in a settled way and someone else who is/choose to be settled is very difficult if unsettlement is chosen as the first and most important relationship by the first person.
If we are held in love, without judgement, are seen for who we truly are and are listened to, the truth that is inside us dears to come out. It can take a while before we really act on it, but voicing it helps and the seed is planted.
“I learnt how powerful we can be by just listening to someone without judging their choices.” That is a powerful way of being in relationships and I am asking myself how many of us are offering such a way of being together?
It is a beautiful amount of courage to remain loving and to know that you have to leave.
When we realise that saying no to abuse is not saying no to the person, it is easy to end an arrangement that is clearly not working. In this way no-one has lost anything of true value, just ended the abuse.
Thank you for clarifying it further, you are not saying no to the person, you are saying no to the abuse.
‘I had misconstrued what it meant to be loyal’. It is one thing to feel and be loyal to anothers potential but if that loyalty means you are tolerating unacceptable abuse in the meantime then that is not a healthy option for either of you.
What an amazing story and it just goes to show how healing it is for everyone when we don’t allow or accept abuse in our lives. We don’t have to reject people just abuse.
It takes huge courage to end a relationship when you deeply love and care for a person. We always know, really, whether we want to be in that relationship or not, but loyalty to the person, instead of loyalty to love and truth, is an easy one to get caught in. I had similar experiences in a relationship with a partner and then with a friend, where I didn’t ever want to share the truth of what I could feel, because I was afraid of making things even more disharmonious and chaotic than they already were. I was always grasping for some sort of temporary peace, some kind of feeling of solid ground, from the other person, when really all I needed to do was stay solid within myself, first, and have the courage to simply express that the other person’s behaviour was not okay. This is the foundation that I’m building for myself now, and it feels amazing to do this for me, instead of needing this steadiness to be provided to me through another or my relationship with them.
Thank you BR for sharing, what a lovely comment, great what you have shared about having that solidness within yourself first instead of trying to maintain a solid ground with others to keep the peace.
“I learnt how powerful we can be by just listening to someone without judging their choices” – awesome. I often get caught in wanting to help, offer support, say something clever etc. but just being ourselves is love enough and that love knows the same love in another and love has no need to dictate, it just holds in absolute equalness – I am not living this yet, but willing to give this a go.
Your blog is a great reminder Abby that love is not always as we picture it, that a break-up can be the most loving and honouring thing for everyone. And I love what you shared of what was shared with you “Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse” … this is so important for all of us to see and understand. Thank you Abby.
It’s funny, with respect I don’t mean as in haha, how we have a picture of what or how things are. We look at something or someone and what to do it differently then it’s been done or we want to give them something that no one has appeared to give them but we don’t include ourselves in that, we fail to include how we truly feel. I am just looking at the support Serge Benhayon gave in this article, it didn’t push someone either way, the to do something way or it’s ok do nothing way. He supported by supporting the person to make a decision or a choice they felt, regardless of which way it went it was more about supporting the person to make the choice they truly felt to make. That is the difference, so many times we meet people with a wall trying to push them into what we see they should or shouldn’t do and this doesn’t allow the person the space to see or feel what they actually want to do. It could be this is the flavour of support we all need, to be supported to make a choice that we actually feel and it look like from this article it supports us all.
Wow Abby this blog is powerful especially this statement – ”being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse.” How many times have we allowed this in our lives and thought we were doing ourselves justice.
I grew up around this belief that loyalty was more important than abuse. I saw abuse as physical but abuse can come through in many insidious ways. And when truth is presented without judgement it breaks down all belief systems even though at first it is unsettling – thank you.
Honoring and expressing our truth is a very loving act, one that confirms that love is who we are and love is what we deserve to live. In agreeing to live less than this love not only is allowing abuse for ourselves but also allowing abuse to be part of our relationships. Thank you Abby for highlighting, that love is not an obligation as is often misconstrued in our society, for in honouring what is true we are in fact choosing love in the truest sense.
I have just reread this blog and it is just as powerful as the first read. The power lays in the expression of the process you went through to feel the truth for yourself. We learn so much from relationships as they reflect our internal struggle. We all need to learn to love ourselves enough to never put up with abuse as this abuse starts with how we are with our self.
We can still love someone while saying no to their behaviour – wow, this is huge.
I agree Fumiyo. Our current misconceptions of what love truly is, is what is keeping us chained to an illusion that only hobbles us from living and honoring who we are and our true potential. What Abby has presented here clearly shows us that love is far more than meeting expectations or obligations, and that saying ‘no’ to lovelessness or abuse is a deeply loving act, and in fact we are saying ‘yes’ to honoring the love we are.
Thank you Abby, this shows that saying no to abuse offers the responsibility of both the abused and the abuser to say no to abuse.
When we sympathise with someones situation we are essentially blind from seeing the truth of their choices and choosing not to see the irresponsibility at play.
This has been a constant with Serge Benhayon over the years, encouraging all of us to be love, the love that we naturally are, ‘and work on bringing more love into the way they live their own lives’. The world needs and we all need love, it is who we innately are.
Every relationship reflects and affects all other relationships, and the foundation of all relationships start with ourselves. No relationship is ever perfect, it is forever a deepening with ourselves and with everyone else.
The ability to truly listen with no judgement allows the person to feel in their own body what it is they are actually communicating. Serge Benhayon is a master of true listening and reading what is being communicated.
I have been learning this, listening with the whole body, without having a conversation in your head. We don’t realise how rarely we truly listen till we start listening!
We have made love something that it is not and so it is very hard to grasp from the mind what true love is as we always compare it to all the pictures we have collected making up our understanding of love. When we allow our heart to speak up more and listen to what we feel we step by step return to the true love we know from deep within. Love is very simple and all that we need to do is stay with what we feel and express from there.
I think one of the ways we disempower ourselves is through the misuse of the word love. I too once thought I was deeply in love with a man, but that relationship was emotionally abusive. It was only when I realised that the hook I had with him was not love that I was able to break free. Unimedpedia Love: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-love.html provides a great understanding as to the true energetic meaning of the word love.
“I think one of the ways we disempower ourselves is through the misuse of the word love.” I agree Nicola. That is exactly how we allow the abuse of ourselves and others in relationships.
“Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”. Serge Benhayon never tells anyone what to do, he always presents the energetic truth and allows us the space to feel what is true. It is beautiful to read how Serge held you in absolute love and equality and how this supported you to feel it was time to end the cycle of abuse by saying ‘no’ to your partner’s unloving ways.
What I love about what you have shared Abby is that 5 years after you broke up with your previous boyfriend, he said that it was best thing that had happened to him. To me that’s the inspiring thing for often that’s what we can’t see when we are in the midst of something, but the fact that it happened because of the regard you then had for yourself and the fact that you didn’t say no to him, you said no to the abuse. So no doubt he has changed considerably from this very loving act.
Awesome Abby. Your story will be of huge support to others who continue to feel they have no choice but to stay in an abusive relationship.
Opening up the possibility of saying ‘no’ is huge, to live it is seismic. It changes everything because suddenly you realise that you have choice again, and life is all about the choices we make.
I completely agree Simon. No can be the hardest word to learn to say, but once we do, we are back in the driving seat of our lives and every choice we make is ours.
How often do we cling onto a word and try to keep our promise. We cling onto the word and the association we have with it but not in truth its living meaning. Then to hear and feel the truth of it releases the shackles we were so used to walking around with and it takes a while until we learn to walk without them again.
Abby it’s a great distinction you were given by Serge about the difference between loyalty and love. What I have learned from Serge is the true essence of love holds us all equally, so in a situation where abuse is present we need to make a loving choice for ourselves – loyalty can have us sticking it out because it’s directed at supporting the other person, but consideration for self is not there. Thank you for all the insights you have given me today reading your story.
“Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse” and as you say, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them or want to support them. However love and support sometimes means walking away so the other person can feel the importance having to make the change for themselves. I remember someone sharing with me that if I kept standing underneath the window catching any child that jumps they will not learn not to jump. It seems so obvious when I looked at it like that.
When we earnestly ask ourselves questions about ourselves and our lives the answer comes and sometimes not in the way we expect.
Gorgeous read, it is so insidious, we bastardised the word love to mean something it is not. That we should put up with abuse because we love someone. It is beautiful to read your sharing seeing what love truly is.
I agree Abby – there is great power in truly listening to someone, without an agenda or need for them to be different. Sometimes nothing needs to be said, but everything is spoken by virtue of allowing a person space to feel where they are at with something.
Abby, what a very heart-capturing healing blog through your honest personal sharing. Truth is reached so evidently after the path of honesty is taken. This will help many in relationships who read this.
It is our own choice to say yes or no to abuse that is aimed at us. And it is true love to say no to that which is not okay. Bringing us all further, out of the abusive cycles we sometimes stay in for the ‘safety’ it provides.
Hello Abby and there is a great message in this for me today, do I really and deeply listen. We think listening is just being quiet so someone else can talk for example but listening is a connection to someone and what they are saying. Often it’s not about answering what they are asking but listening deeper to what the person is really saying. I have no doubt this is what Serge Benhayon connected to and deeply listened to. Then it was . up to you how you unfolded what you saw in the session. I have never known Serge to tell anyone what to do and let’s face it most people can’t be told anything anyway. All that aside it was a very brave and loving decision you made with this relationship. Many may judge or compare their relationship to being not as bad or know that would never happen in their relationship but there is a bigger message for all of us here. We set our sights on what we think love is but it’s not love if what you are doing has any form of abuse to yourself. We may think differently when we are in the middle of a situation but I also like what you say Abby in that we need to make changes in how we are for ourselves and not for others. It may sound harsh but when you truly do things or make changes for yourself it automatically flows out to all your relationship, the way we do things, the quality, is important.
“Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”. Wise words indeed.
I agree. Something I have found is that the more love we are then the more anything which is not love stands out as being abusive. So abuse for me no longer means being aggressive or worse, rather it can be as simple as not deeply cherishing my partner. For if we are all love, which I know we are, then anything less than the love we are is abusive not only to others but also to ourselves.
It is interesting how we can misinterpret and misuse words such as ‘loyal’ to suit our needs and to justify our actions because we do not love ourselves deeply to not put up with abuse. The more love I have for myself the less I am tolerating abuse on all levels and in all areas of my life.
This is a powerful blog Abby on many levels. It demonstrates clearly how we have misinterpreted the word ‘love’ just as much as the word ‘loyalty’. It shows the importance of building a loving relationship with our self so as to be able to say ‘no’ to abuse. It presents the power of being met in a way that we felt seen beyond our situation. It presents how observation without judgment is love and can be heard while other well meaning advice laced with judgment cannot be heard. It also demonstrates the pain we are willing to endure and the investment we have outside of our self. Even though this was your personal experience Abby this blog speaks for many.Thank you for sharing.
That is wonderful Abby, that teaches me so much about love.
This is super important for many to hear as we think being loyal means staying with a person no matter what but to be truly loyal means to know them in essence and to not allow them to continue in patterns that hurt themselves and hurt others- if we make excuses or justify it we do not give the space for them to break these patterns- we condone it, if we step back but are still loving it allows them to feel the consequences of their choices and this offers them a greater opportunity to make the choices from within.
Thank you for such an honest sharing of your relationship and the abuse you learnt to say no to. I love how Serge supported you to find your own truth without imposing any judgment upon either of you – it was inspiring… and the best way to allow people come to their own choices.
That is amazing – and it shows how easy it can be to narrow one’s perception of what is true to oneself when we go into the mode of pleasing others.
Wow. When I read this line “Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse” I had to cry. How toxic it is to mix up loyalty or love from its true meaning.
Thank you Abby for a very inspiring blog, It is amazing how much abuse we have put up with thinking this was love .I stayed in an abusive relationship for a number of years believing God had placed me there, I did not realise at the time that I could say no to abuse of any kind, as I grow in more self love, slowly I am dropping unloving behaviours.
Abby you wrote: “I learnt how powerful we can be by just listening to someone without judging their choices.” That is really also what I found out as well and ever since I practice it to the best of my ability as for me this is one way how I can give back what I have re-learned by myself.
The strength we discover when we are true to what we are feeling is immense, and that is the power in Serge Benhayon’s work. You can feel it in this blog, and I’m sure I have heard it in a thousand other examples where people have simply been encouraged to trust how they feel and live from that innermost knowing.
This is an extremely powerful blog and very inspiring. “Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”, and when we connect to the truth our inner strength guides and supports. No abuse is acceptable and when we claim that we can move forward with love.
This is a very powerful blog Abby. What you’ve share can inspire people who may be in a similar situation to understand that loving someone doesn’t mean we can’t say ‘no’, especially to abuse. To truly love someone is to express truth without judgement or expectation and saying ‘no’ can actually be very loving when it is done from a place of love and understanding. I can totally relate to your blog. I too now understand what it means to be in a relationship and what love means. Love does not contain any trace of abuse only absolute truth, joy, stillness and harmony.
This is fantastic to read Abby, it shows what love truly is, and it is supporting each other to be more and hold them dearly in the utmost regard and understanding. And in this, saying no to abuse and ending the relationship has been as you shared the most loving thing to do. It is great to get this understanding, that love is not about staying together for the sake of loving each other…
Abby, I love the quote: “Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”. It is so true but something most of us forget about especially when families are involved. Somehow behind closed doors we allow things we would never allow otherwise. The more we say no to the more obvious forms of abusive the more we will also start to call out the more subtle forms as well.
Abby I loved reading your blog, particularly ‘I learnt how powerful we can be by just listening to someone without judging their choices.’ When we ask someone the right question and hold no judgment in either their situation or their answer, it allows them to connect more deeply with their truth.
“Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse.” What a great piece of advice, how often we feel because there’s an existing connection in a relationship we will stand by the person and understand why they’re like they are, yet we do know what’s truly loving for ourselves. I can see how loyalty can block love. Thanks Abby.
This feels like surrendering to what is true rather than what we think we want or what we think is the right thing to do. It seems it is my lesson for today to learn to surrender rather than to push on with any other agenda.
A great observation on the potential for a partner to offer to change their ways for the other person but not for themselves – equivalent to not being able to offer love to someone until you can know it in and with yourself.
It can be easy to get stuck on what “loyalty”, “love” or another word means. When we subscribe to a belief about what a word means then it is harder for the truth to come in . Saying no to abuse is love, for both yourself and the other person. Your story is beautiful Abby in many ways and I loved that years later your ex-partner could see that what you did was deeply loving.
We do indeed Amina. It is up to us to see our worth.
Well said Marika, we end up making choices when it suits us. As even though we may know the current ones are abusive, we don’t have the self love and care to follow through with different ones.
Abby this is amazing. Thank you for sharing. I am sure many women feel similar in those situations, that they want to be loyal and stay after abuse. When if we’d truly ask ourselves surly we would say no. It’s beautiful what listening and talking with someone without judgement brings to another.
Saying no to the abuse is not saying no to the person but saying yes to love and to yourself. This was a powerful reflection to your partner to choose a different way to be as well.
It is a very powerful reflection.
This is a powerful sharing Abby, thank you for writing with such openness and honesty.
“I learnt how powerful we can be by just listening to someone without judging their choices.” How great is the healing when we are in such a safe environment that we can honour our truth and express it – takes away the whole notion of ‘needing to fix’ someone for we can all do quite beautifully ourselves if given the grace that Serge afforded you.
“Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”. This is so powerful, reminding us that we can continue to love someone and in a way that the most loving act in such circumstances is to say no to their abuse – loving both for ourselves and for them.
“Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”. As a practitioner of the Healing Arts for many years I came across countless situations where someone was staying in an abusive relationship because of a belief such as this: being loyal means you stay with the person through thick and thin, even if its at your own expense. I see now that although I have worked on this issue for myself over the years there is still a lingering tendency to allow this sense of loyalty to override the truth that I feel when it comes to my family. It is not until I am absolutely clear of this that we will be able to have truly equal relationships.
Abby a really powerful article, I love the part where you say “I learnt how powerful we can be by just listening to someone without judging their choices.” Very honouring of any relationship.
This is incredible Abby and shows the power of Love, True Love. There is power in the fact that Serge Benhayon just listened and didn’t judge you and in that you were able to be honest with yourself. We also see the power of Love in the fact that you then ended the relationship and stayed firm with that decision and years later your partner thanked you. This just confirms that saying no to abuse is the most loving thing we CAN do for ourselves and others.
Abbey thank you for your honesty in sharing your story. Your account of the session with Serge Benhayon illustrates so clearly that when we don’t judge another we provide a reflection that allows them to see their own truth clearly. Love is always connected to truth, if we don’t remember this we can’t really serve others in our relationships.
Abby I loved how honest you were in your sharing, when we are able to listen to others with no judgment, it allows another to feel what is really going on, without holding back in fear of what another may be think.
it takes a lot to break ideals of relationships to actually see that it may be abusive where we have never had different.
In the end it does come down to the simple questions of do you want to stay in the relationship and is it abusive?
In the end everyone wins even if it may not seem that way at the time.
Abby, I admire your outcome brought about by your wisdom and that of Serge Benhayon. without giving advice (so hard not to at times). A lot to learn from your sharing.
Yes Abby, and every choice that stops abuse and claims truth – is love. What an amazing and deep healing you got from it , staying true to yourself and actually say NO to abuse – to stop this abusive cycle and actually say No to some one you love (and it actually being loving to do so!) It crushes the ideal that love is something inferior and or not capable of bringing the truth to order, which you did so beautifully and where your ex-partner has thanked you for after. That is powerful and your truth is confirmed. Never put up with abuse – stay true to yourself , always.
A beautifully told story Abby with a great moral “ I could love my partner and say no to the abuse.
So beautiful to read. I find it really inspiring how Serge Benhayon did not judge you or your partner at that time. Thank you for sharing.
“Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”
What you have written here Abby really resonated with me; so simple yet so wise.
A wonderful reflection and example for us all.
Also being love and loving also does not mean putting up with abuse; what a powerful lesson you have presented to us Abby, thank you.
That is incredible and strong Abby. I love what you shared about it being the best choice for both of you to end the relationship. As it is not loving to continue for both in this way. I also feel encouraged by what you shared that Serge Benhayon said: ”Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”, that is absolutely right and feels so true!
it is so powerful, when we honour what WE know to be true and act on that. I am so thankful that I started to honour what I feel, and like you Abby when Serge said to you “Do you want to stay with…” the simple honesty in answering that is the best way to go I reckon. I am always so amazed when I express this honesty how powerful it is. People really listen and respond when we are honest.
That is so true Harry, we must always choose what we feel and deeply want, not because we have any expectation or belief that we should do something. This crushed my held beliefs about that straight away, very powerful! Thanks you.
Thank you Abby there is so much to learn from what you have written. I know when I have needed to make changes in my life if I made them from a desire to get acceptance or approval from others it was like lacing the choice with self loathing and it never held – sometimes the change would last for a few years but it has always crumbled at some point. In some relationships we can find ourselves in a toxic cycles and mostly in our relationship with ourselves.
Very honest sharing Abby and such simple and powerful advice. It does take time initially to unwind ourselves from abuse, but once we do it never enters again.
“Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”. This is so important. And as you show us here you can still love someone and say no to a relationship that isn’t truly supporting either party. A great article. I agree with Rachel, this is such a gift. It needs to be circulated as widely as possible.
This is so powerful Abby and should be published in a Women’s Magazine. We need true role models who take decisions from love and share those with the world so everybody can learn that there is a different way.
I agree Abby that honouring ourselves is key in relationships…and a relationship based on need can be abusive in subtle ways too – outwardly the relationship looks ‘normal’ because the couple appear to care for each other, while underneath there is a game being played out of manipulation and control to varying degrees that is often unspoken.
I was in a relationship that started from need, and it wasnt until my partner moved on that I realised I had been living his life instead of honouring myself, and this was a form of self-abuse. Although there was sadness, in a short space of time I came back to feeling what it was I wanted in my life, and have flourished ever since. And a year after we split, I thanked him for having the courage and persistence to leave as it had been the best thing for both of us, and he agreed too – a beautiful healing for both of us around relationships, and this wouldnt have happened if he hadn’t honoured what was true for him.
Thank you for sharing Abby. “I learnt how powerful we can be by just listening to someone without judging their choices. ” this is so true- not needing to fix anything but just being completely there offers so much.
In honouring yourself Abbey you have also helped your ex partner and also set a really good example to others who are in abusive relationships. Thanks for sharing your story Abbey
It is so powerful to know that everyone can be a healer through the sheer power of being able to listen to another without judgement and giving them the space to reach their own conclusions about how and when they will take the next step. This is often incredibly hard, but as you have shown Abby, when you can follow your own wisdom it pays enormous dividends in the long run. Thank you for sharing your story.
Pretty amazing indeed Abby. I can appreciate how difficult that would have been. Whilst I have not been in an abusive relationship as such, I understand that feeling of wanting to believe that someone is so much more than what others around you believe. Because you know it, you know in there somewhere they have the potential, like everyone does, to be truly amazing. But I can also appreciate now, how, as much of that is true, I had a need to be right and a need to be loved so I made excuses wherever possible to accept behaviours that were less than loving.
“Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse” this is gold Abby and something most of us had to learn through the immense love offered by Serge Benhayon. Without his reflection I would not been able to see how much abuse we have allowed in all our relationships.
The power and love of another just listening and not judging shows how simple true support can be. No need to tell another what to do, just be open to listening and sharing as Serge did for you is true support. Thank you Abbey for a beautiful sharing.
Sometimes when we are in emotionally driven situations we can miss asking the obvious questions, we can negate the actual facts, our rights as human beings and our ability to make choices for ourselves. Your experience Abby is one I know many people can relate to, having been there themselves. Thank you for sharing how it was for you, and what you did to change it. We all need to know that we do not have to put up with abuse, we can make choices for our own well-being.
Thank you for this beautiful, delicate and very strong sharing Abby. It just goes to show how powerful standing for truth is.
Abby, a powerful article, it feels very open and honest in your sharing of your experience in a relationship. I really appreciated what you shared concerning your conversation with Serge Benhayon. I agree from my own experience, I have never been told what to do and no judgements have been made, I have always felt understood and truly listened to when speaking with Serge Benhayon.
Awesome blog Abbie. You show deep courage and love.
Beautiful blog Abby, this blog shows what love is and how being love without judgement can help to make the step they already felt to do, that’s very beautiful. And saying no to abuse and still love the men who abused you is a testament of how you ended the relationship, very beautiful.
This is beautiful and confirming how bringing love and understanding to someone allows another to see past the entangling emotions and just clearly feel the truth within.
Thank you Abby. It is amazing what bringing understanding and non-judgement to another allows – the clarity to see past the emotions and come to the unwavering truth that is there inside us.
Thanks Abby for sharing something so personal. You offer something so powerful for people everywhere, that true love is saying no to abuse no matter the form it comes in.
Abby this blog is absolute gold. I applaud your courage and strength. It is extraordinary that you are willing to share such intimate experiences with the world and it is clear you have done so in order to offer true support to others.
Thank you Abby and Leonne, domestic violence costs Australia ‘over 2.7 billion per year’. What a waste of money, resources, time and energy. If more people chose to live in a loving, harmonious way, as exemplified by the students of the Livingness, these statistics would be much reduced. Australian women who have experienced violence since they were 15 years old is 33 % and up to 100 women die each year from domestic violence.
These are very alarming statistics and yet society still doesn’t want to have a real conversation about abuse.
Absolutely Penny and the figures are getting worse! When a 100 people die on the roads there is a public outcry.
Awesome in fact Abby, thank you for sharing your inspirational story. There is a feeling of how you were in this I can so relate to. How I used to be with myself in the ‘name of love’ I discovered was far from loving. As soon as I was ready to say enough is enough to allowing anything less than deep honour and care for myself first, everything changed, and continues to this day to develop.
Thank you Abby for reminding me that in a relationship with anyone “Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”. In fact, it actually deeply honours you both to always speak and stand up for your truth and say no to what is not love.
I found this so powerful Abby, as it is true what Serge Benhayon stated “being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”, that you could see that you could still love your ex-partner but did not need to be in a relationship with him that is truly loving. Thank you for sharing your experience.
“Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse” – this line really stood out for me. Your sharing is awesome Abby. It has reminded me that we can still deeply love someone even if there is abuse, but we say no to the behaviour (i.e. the abuse) but say yes to love.
Abby I really appreciated reading about your experience. What touched me greatly was that you can still love someone and say no to abuse. Thank you!
I agree Sharon. It is really beautiful to feel how healing it is to say no to abuse. It gives the person that is choosing abuse the opportunity to change and come out of the emotional destitution they are in. This is very beautifully demonstrated in Abbey’s blog.
I agree Sharon, and the thing about saying yes to love, but no to abuse is that in my experience this is the only true long lasting way to either stop the cycle of abuse altogether, or at least to allow an opportunity to be reminded that at our essence we are love, and that abuse is not part of this expression of who we naturally are.
Abbey I can relate to having endured abusive relationships in the name of so called love. Serge has reflected True Love for us all as you say in such a non-judgemental way. Even though I was not in a physically abusive relationship when I met Serge, I have still been made aware (through his teachings) of all the ‘little’ ways in which I have still been abusive (to myself, and others) and the ways in which I have still accepted abuse.
There is so much confusion when someone loving begins to express abuse. We feel loyal to the love shared and forget about being loyal to self love. Accepting abuse is not allowing that person to grow, because it doesn’t honour who they truly are – I never realised this. This is a very powerful blog and though it’s my second time reading I’m sure I’ll be back again to reflect on your words and grow in more wisdom.
It seems to me that this kind of relationship situation is a very hard one to observe and not judge. I imagine it would be tough for your family to not tell you what to do, even though it may well be from loving you and not wanting you to be hurt. What Serge offered you was truly supporting for you, and not for himself to not see you hurt. This really highlights the power of not judging in any situation.
It is amazing to see and feel the true face of love. How easy we can be tricked it is to look a certain way we ‘think’ its meant to look, when in actual fact it may be in the walking away from what is not love that truly shows them and ourself the greatest love at all.
‘Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse’. When I first read these words I thought I understood their meaning and that they didn’t apply to me. But then I re-read them and realised that although I haven’t been in an abusive relationship with my partner, I have nonetheless allowed myself to be abused/been abusive in other relationships (eg work environment) due to a misguided sense of loyalty to clients, the organisation, colleagues and, more importantly, in the interests of self recognition and identification. A real AHH moment so thank you Abby for your blog.
There is such a beautiful honesty in your sharing Abby. “Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”. This is true. Immediately I could feel how along the way I had misconstrued what it meant to be loyal. This must be a confusion that many women and indeed men must feel in the unfolding of relationships that have problems of this kind. This blog will support many women in similar situations. Thanks for writing.
Abby thank you for sharing so delicately and beautifully this time in your life. Your wisdom pours through these pages — we can love someone, and hold someone in the love that we have for them and what that also means is saying no to abusive behaviour. Many of us stay in relationships even thought they are abusive because of a mistaken idea of what it is to ‘love’ a person. How can it be love truly, if through our actions and behaviours we condone someone to go so far away from themselves and turn abusive and cruel? There is no true love in that.
How hard it is sometimes in these moments, when we have to stop and say NO to abuse, if you really love the person in front of you. Looking back always gives so often this AHA effect- that´s why this happened. Learning to trust in life, that it will unfold the way we need it to be and that every decision, even it is a hard one, will be one step further to become more, is my focus in life. Great to read how you had the courage to say stop and what amazing result it has.
“I knew if he made changes for me they wouldn’t last”. This is so true, change has to come from self-honouring, self-love and self-care, with a willingness to look at and be honest about the underlying issues and momentums. Thank you for such an honest sharing.
Thank you for your beautifully honest sharing Abby. From respecting and honouring what felt true for you enabled you to feel that to love somebody doesn’t mean having to accept abuse from them.
Being confronted with a choice to put yourself first, to love and hold yourself in tenderness or put another first, to love and hold them in tenderness regardless of their behaviour toward you, is big. As you came to realise Abby, it didn’t have to mean an ‘either/or’ situation but an opening for ‘true love’ to evolve. Choosing to connect, love and honour self first can mean losing everything that you value but if not done then everything becomes a lie. How powerful it is to have the opportunity to be asked and to answer a question that acknowledges all of who you are and the fact, that the true answer is within. A powerful story about choosing true love and respecting the time it can take for this to unfold and make itself known. Thank you Abby.
You honoured your feelings, Abby. And it’s asking me to honour mine, too. So what levels of abuse do I still allow in my relationships? Is respect enough for me? Or is a person who respects me and doesn’t love me, abusive? Am I abusive to my body, if I accept anything less than true love in my relationships?
Wow such an awesome and honest sharing Abby. Saying no to abuse can sometimes feel so hard to do because of the stories we tell ourselves so it is gorgeous to be reminded of the power of honouring what you feel, honouring what true love is and saying no to what isn’t.
Thank you Abby for sharing your story so honestly and openly. “Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse” – this is so true. When there’s no love for ourselves our threshold for abuse becomes pretty high, and it’s amazing how you were able to connect with your own truth when met by Serge Benhayon’s simple reflection of love that you equally come from.
Thank you Abby. It is extremely difficult to say ‘no’ to the people we love but sometimes it is a very loving thing to do. I have realised that it is very harmful to say nothing and to put up with abuse. It doesn’t serve anyone to pretend that it is OK or that it will pass. In my experience I took on responsibilities that weren’t mine, I took on harmful beliefs that I could make a difference and help. I now realised that I can not change anyone and it’s not my place or responsibility to do that. What I have realised is that we are responsible for our own choices and nobody else’s.
It is amazing if a friend or someone can give you an honest feedback without any emotional attachments or judgment, just simple observation as it is, it is very sobering and makes space for healing. Serge Benhayon is such a friend and he is that for everyone.
Honouring what is true pays even if it leads to difficult situations in the short term. As you have experienced (I could add, me too), ignoring what is true leads to very difficult messy situations in which the spiral of degradation runs fast.
Great point, and from that, surely to state the reality of what is going on is surely much more supportive for it gives the abuser the opportunity to stop and realise what they are doing, and make a different choice.
Abuse can take many forms and it is sometimes difficult to recognise it as such. Universal Medicine has helped me recognise abusive situations I had taken for being my lot in life as well as the abuse I meted out on my own body. Thank you Abby.
It is incredible to meet Serge Benhayon, and no matter how messy your life may seem, he is calm, loving, supportive and completely without judgement. He does not put ideas into your head, he holds you with love. I received immense support when I was in a tumultuous relationship and every step of the way out of the mess was my decision entirely. I was also offered the fact that abuse is not acceptable from anyone at anytime which helped me enormously to see clearly what was happening in my life. Thank you for sharing your story Abby.
Wow Abby, I agree abuse is not acceptable, and its acceptance shows only the lack of love that’s there to put up with it. But with self-love comes an inner strength that is valued, cherished and appreciated by not just the loving person, but others too as your story shows. That decision to say no, is a healing and blessing for all.
Abuse can take many forms. I understand now that I contributed to the abuse, neglect and the sense of injustice I lived with. Learning to love and care for myself has given me the courage to say “it does not have to be like this”.
It is easy to think we should be doing something, when in fact we know there is something not quite right about it. Often when we talk about these situations with others we are met with opinions and reactions which normally add to our haze. Serge Benhayon is able to stand fully aware and always listening, presenting the truth, without adding to the emotion. As you say, his words did not tell you what to do, but it opened up an amazing opportunity for you, and as your partner has confirmed, for him too!
Your honesty and openness to share your personal story is inspirational. As is your courage to choose love for yourself by saying ‘no’ to abuse. And in doing so the love you then offered to share with your partner (at that time) was real love and truly healing. This is so beautiful Abby, thank you.
Abby, your blog was very healing because of the honesty and openness of your story, as well as in the changes you made. It has really highlighted for me how I will still make choices based on “doing the right thing” (often with another in mind) instead of just simply doing what I want to and that feels right for me.
Thank you for sharing with us how you honoured your inner feelings and made a choice for you. This was lovely to hear.
Beautiful sharing Abby and one that can help so many. What if saying no to abuse of any kind has the potential to heal the abused and also the abuser, as your story testifies?
Abby, are you aware, how your decision not only was a loving choice for you and your former partner, but also for every man and woman on earth in a similar situation? It is now easier for all of us to decide against those ideals that bind us in abuse. I can feel that my decision to end abuse was easier, because you already walked the path.
Thank you Abby for your honesty in sharing your blog. It is indeed a great gift for someone to listen without judgement or conditions. From that simple question of ‘do you want to stay with him’, it gave you the permission to release some of the pain and it gave you the answer to what you already knew…namely, that you had to say no to the abuse.
I agree Jane, it is awesome how such a simple question can open up the path for change. It shows how when we really connect to another and give them time and space they will see the possibility of another way, rather than us thinking we need to go in and fix them.
This is beautiful Abby, not only that you share so openly about something so personal, but your strength and resolve in digging yourself out of the abusive cycles, and also that years later your ex-boyfriend is able to confirm that this provided an opportunity for both of you to heal.
Very powerful to re-read Abby, “Being loyal does not mean putting up with abuse”.
A powerful heartfelt sharing Abby,on the blessings both for you and your partiner, when you had the courage to say no to the abuse, and end the relationship.
Thank you for sharing your story Abby and how supportive it was to be listened to without judgement but with a clear confirmation that abuse is never OK. That you then found the courage to leave the relationship is testament to your growing self-love and respect which is beautiful and inspiring to read.
I can so relate to recognising that there is a part of me that will always love my ex but that it was not right for either of us to let the abuse continue. At the time I did not have the support of Universal Medicine and it took a long time to untangle the damaging web we had woven between us over the years of our marriage. For me it has become an evolving practice to honour what is true in all my relationships – this is a work in progress but the more loving I become towards myself the more any lack of truth shows up with others.
Wow, this blog is inspiring on so many different levels. So many of us overlook abuse, and make excuses for it, when simply: it is never acceptable. Like James says above, we all deserve love and respect.
Abby, thanks for sharing your story so openly and honestly. Inspiring that you said no to abuse and what a blessing this was for you and your partner.
Thanks for sharing such a personal story Abby. And we all do deserve to be treated with love and respect as shared by James, we just have to choose it for ourselves as you did by saying no to the abuse in the relationship.
Well expressed Abby and what a great learning that you could say: ‘I could love my partner and say no to the abuse’. So too often we accept it as a part of life instead of saying, no thats not acceptable whether it be from a partner, friends or family. Abuse is abuse whether it is physical or emotional/psychological, we all deserve to be treated with love and respect.
I really enjoyed reading your article Abby, and to feel the courage you had in deciding to end the relationship. It was inspiring to read that whilst you were saying no to the abusive behaviours, the love for him remained the same.
Agree Brendan, it’s very inspiring how she maintained her love for her ex and years later he thanked her for being brave enough to end it- they both benefitted from ending that cycle.
Thank you for sharing this Abby. I stopped to reflect on the relationships I have been in, and how my lack of self worth kept me in situations that were hurting both of us. I also deeply appreciate the reminder about the power of not judging anothers’ choices.
Abby Hinchcliffe, ignoring single details of your post, but concentrating on the essence of what you have shared, it could have easily been signed by my name.
Helen Keller said:
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often we look so long at the closed door
that we do not see the one which has been opened for us”.
I too spend years and years looking at the ‘closed door’, and settling for abuse that even the beatings I received could not get me to check out the ‘open door.’ I have often been described as very intelligent, by people who know me well.. But I began to question my own intelligence that allowed me to stay in a very unloving relationship for almost two decades! What type of intelligence would do that? I questioned of what good was my University degree, and all awards I won throughout schooling, a great number of books that I have read, countries I visited, languages I spoke, when I could not discern what was loving and what not for me?! And when I did start to ask, just as you say Serge Benhayon never offered answers or solutions to my woes – just simple questions and an amazing loving reflection.
I am no longer in that relationship, thanks to MY increased level of awareness and genuine love I hold for myself now, which came about through attending Universal Medicine workshops. However, I stand here today feeling more love towards that same man than I ever did during the decades we were together (he knows this). True love, non of that emotional malarkey;;)
Wow Dragana amazing comments you make – it is clear that you are a very intelligent woman so it is a very powerful question to ask “what kind of intelligence” allows such abuse.
Your words are so inspiring both Abby and Dragana. You are both living proof that life can thrive and be awesome beyond the limits of a unloving relationship we may be in, a very common experience for many.
Wow Dragana, your honesty is deeply inspiring. You have made an amazing point – what is the good of school, university, books, being super multi-talented, or having all the material possessions in the world, if we live a life of abuse and do not know and actively choose love?
That’s beautiful Dragana, a very powerful comment shared from the depths of your very personal experience, and beautifully expressed. It does indeed beg the questions of what type of intelligence allows one to stay in an abusive relationship?
Thank you Dragana — you’re exposing an all-important question for all of us. What good is so-called intelligence if it doesn’t have true love at its core? We can have all our university degrees etc etc and still be in abusive relationships, both people suffering in a prison they’ve created themselves. That is not intelligent.
Dragana, thank you for sharing this- inspirational. Knowledge means naught unless love is known.
Thank you Abby. For me, what is so amazing about what you wrote is that it shows how how easy it is to let abuse happen. And it inspires me to look at what abuse I am allowing in my life, and that I can make the choice to say to No to it. And that the love I could have for myself is a far greater gift and is something worth making choices for.
Thank you for sharing so honestly Abby. I too have experienced abuse (mostly verbal) in a relationship – 21 year marriage in fact – and although it felt awful at the time, and I could feel it wasn’t right, I realise now in retrospect that we ‘both’ allowed abuse out of a need for the relationship to be a certain way and because of the security and comfort the relationship gave us both. It was only when I began to attend Universal Medicine presentations that I began to connect with the truth that our relationship had not ever been based on true love, and that we allowed abusive behaviours to continue because of a lack of self-love. Once I began to connect with this, I was able to begin saying ‘no’ to the abusive behaviour and to express clearly that it was not o.k. – to the point where I could often clearly feel that when the abuse occurred, it was not my partner, but a different energy that he had chosen to express with at that time (Many times when he would come back to being ‘him’, he would express that the way he had been did not feel like him, and that he did not like being that way). Slowly and gradually (and never with a claim to doing it perfectly), I have been able to express this from a feeling of love and care, not only for myself, but also as an expression of love for my partner. I have begun to feel that it was not loving either for myself or my partner to allow abuse – (before I simply wanted to blame and judge him without taking any responsibility for my part in allowing the abuse) – and that it was possible to be loving by saying ‘no’. Although we have recently separated, we are still working a business together. We still have our issues to work on, and it is far from perfect, however there is more love, honesty and respect in our relationship now than there ever was. I am working daily on self-love and find that the more I deepen this love for myself, the more I am open to seeing and loving others for who they truly are.
Thank you for sharing your story. There is so much in it to be inspired by and learn from.
I was touched how in that moment when Serge lovingly said “do you want to stay with him?” your truth was so clearly presented to you by you. It is amazing how that works and how if we stop and listen to ourselves we know.
Very true Nicola, it is amazing how simply being reflected and presented with the truth gives us a moment to stop and allow the answer we have been resisting for so long to come out.
Thank-you Abby, for your honest and heartfelt sharing here. That you came to know what truly loving yourself, and your partner, was/is about, is so very powerful. In difficult times, being met by someone who does not judge, yet can clearly confirm what we all deep within, know is ‘ok’ or not, can truly awaken us to the choices we may have in our lives. This is inspiring for us all to hold others in love, to see the precious beings they are, first and foremost, and know that in no way does this mean we have to allow abuse in any form.
I was reading your comment Victoria, and had what for me was a profound realisation: I had always thought that it was because I trust someone, that would allow me to let their words of wisdom in. However, it is more subtle than that… by trusting Serge Benhayon it has actually allowed me to open up, unlock the patterns and cycles that do not serve me and therefore access my own truth and healing – held in that loving and trusting space.
Simon, this is truly beautiful, and I understand completely what you mean. Abby found her own wisdom, and allowed her own process of knowing what was true within her, and for her choices in her life. You can feel from her words that there was no “I told you so” in sight from her meeting with Serge Benhayon – and that the depth of love and respect he held her in offered her the opportunity you have shared about Simon, i.e. to know that it was completely within her to come to her own truth and wisdom.
Could we ever be offered any greater gift?
Beautifully said Simon, Serge Benhayon’s words to Abby were the key to unlocking her own wisdom, and finding her own path in the relationship.
Beautifully expressed Abby. Thank you! Its amazing what comes out when we feel truly safe to open our hearts.
thank you Abby for sharing your experience and the realisation that to love someone does not mean accepting abuse from them – in any way.
Love that Eunice. Knowing someone is way more and so calling them to that and not accepting any form of abuse is love.
The honesty in this account of how we allow mess, complication, ideals and beliefs, others opinions and our own ‘stuff’ get in the way when in a relationship is beautiful to read. It highlights that even when we have so much going on that if one person can present absolute love, which is without judgment, then we get to feel what is true for us. We feel the truth for ourselves and then as Abbey did we get to make more loving choices for ourselves and our partner. Thank you Abbey.
Thank you for sharing this so openly Abby, I too have been in abusive relationships (either physically or verbally) due to a lack of self worth, fear of being alone or thinking it’s not that bad and maybe I’m playing a responsibility to how the other partner is treating me – i.e. I deserve it. It takes a true commitment to your self and what you deserve, to stand strong and demand more and claim your worth. In choosing to do this it seems you showed your ex that he is also capable of more from within himself, because his abuse towards you was possibly just his own self abuse. It is pretty amazing!
Love that Danielle. When we stand up for our own worth and loveliness, others get to feel theirs also. Doing both a favour by living your all, loving and taking deep care of yourself. Others get to realise their potential also.