by Fiona Shuttleworth, UK
I thought my life was OK. I seemed to tick most boxes and felt happy enough compared to others I knew who were a lot more miserable than me. But I always felt like there was something missing in my life, and I knew deep down that I was holding myself back in some way. The problem was I was so unconfident within myself that I never trusted my own feelings, and always defaulted to others’ opinions, feelings and ideas, even when I didn’t really want to. My life was fuelled with alcohol, drugs of every kind, and cigarettes. The funny thing was I always knew I didn’t want to be that person, but I just never seemed to be able to break the pattern, and I had tried numerous things.Then one morning for no apparent reason I woke up and knew I would never smoke again. I made that choice on my own and knew it was right. I adjusted my lifestyle and drug choice, as in I carried on with cocaine and ecstasy but quit weed. And I still drank, every night. But even this simple choice of stopping smoking made such an impact on my social life, it was more difficult to be involved with everyone when all my other friends were on weed, and I started to want different things from life.
Then I stumbled upon a man called Chris James. His music touched me and made me feel different, particularly his new album at that time, ‘Silk’. I felt alive and joyful. I had always loved singing and music but always felt awkward about my voice and being heard. What struck me most from my experience with Chris was that I didn’t seem to be worried about any of that, and for the first time I felt like I truly sang for me – just because I couldn’t hold it in any longer. At this stage the drugs went out of my life – I didn’t really need them any more. But alcohol was still there big time.
Not long after that Chris introduced me to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I remember going along to the first presentation. There was something about Serge that just felt right. I didn’t feel disturbed or put upon in any way – what he was saying made sense to me although I had never really heard any thing like it before. I watched the people around me, there was such love and integrity, respect for each other, and I felt like I was home.
Shortly after this presentation I made the choice, again on my own, to stop drinking. It was the hardest thing I had ever done to that point in my life. I had no idea until I stopped the hold alcohol had over me. And my biggest surprise was other people’s reaction to it. They didn’t like it at all, and for the first few months I really had to battle my way through countless people trying to convince me to just have one drink. Some people even bought me a drink when I had specifically said ‘I’ll have an orange juice please’ – I couldn’t believe it. It was harder for me to quit alcohol than smoking, cocaine or any other drug I had consumed.
I went to more Universal Medicine presentations. And I made more choices that seemed to happen naturally. I started to actually care about myself in a way that I had always wanted someone else to care about me. My food choices changed and then something really beautiful happened – I started to trust my own feelings and love myself. I found that as I took more care of myself I enjoyed life more and more. The amount of great days I was having started to increase. I still had bad days – I still do but they don’t seem to affect me in the same way. I never spiral down with them and they happened less and less. I started to get more confident within myself, and then I started to see all the ways that I held myself back, and the little games or situations that used to come into play to feed certain ideas I had about myself to keep me from believing in me.
Now I live a full and joyful life. I love work. I’m closer to my family and friends than I have ever been. And I don’t even think about wanting a drink or a drug to get me though the day. Instead my day is enough for me and I absolutely love it. I feel open to life and embrace it. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have never told me what to do or judged me in any way. Instead Serge and his teachings have supported me to come to myself in my own way and at my own time. I have never felt anything other than true love, support and understanding from Serge Benhayon and never, not once, has he ever made me feel like I was less or not good enough in any way, shape or form. He is a constant inspiration to me of how each individual truly is inside.
I will never walk away from that love and understanding that I have come to know for myself through Serge Benhayon’s teachings. Why would I, when for the first time in my life I can say that I am truly living? My commitment to myself will never cease.