My Story

I am now a 33 year old woman. I grew up sailing around the world. I had a very different childhood. It was not always easy and I had grown up with many ways of coping and dealing with what life had offered me. As a child I was sexually molested and I hardly went to school. I smoked marijuana every day from when I was 16 years old until I was 30, and when I say every day, I mean everyday (with exception of about 4 or 6 days). Even when I was traveling internationally I would make marijuana brownies and eat them to get high.

The point is, I did not like how life was and the only way I enjoyed life was if I was stoned and numb. I would wake up and smoke, and I would smoke during the day, and then smoke a lot at night so that I would pass out. I could easily smoke an ounce a week (that is a lot). And to me, that was normal and I was “fine”. I would go out with friends, drink alcohol, go to festivals and take ecstasy, magic mushrooms and a few other drugs. I thought I was fine, because I wasn’t doing cocaine or heroin.

I studied to be a Massage therapist and a Medical Herbalist and I had every reason under the sun to justify my weed smoking habits. (It’s natural, it’s a herb, it relaxes me, it helps give me an appetite etc). I smoked cigarettes too and thought they were bad for me but the weed was okay. I did a course on Nutrition and thought that because I was a vegetarian I was quite healthy even though if I compare my diet now to then, I can really see that I was truly in an illusion to believe that the deep fried food, the amount of sugar and the other garbage I would consume was healthy!

I used to see clients and suggest a healthy lifestyle to them, and encourage them to stop smoking, yet I continued to abuse my body.

I was and still am a single mother, I was living on a benefit, I was angry at my own mother, and my daughter’s father and at life. I would take my anger out on my daughter, and I could not be bothered with anything really. I didn’t want a job because I didn’t have to. I didn’t want to take responsibility for where I was at, instead I preferred to blame everyone else.

Then I moved to Byron Bay. I met an Esoteric student who was involved in the Equine Industry. Having always loved horses, I made friends with her and was blown away by what a talented ‘horse woman’ she was. I could not understand how she could connect with the horses so well. I decided to be her apprentice. I would go to her place, after smoking weed and she would put up with me. She had so much patience and she taught me the Gentle Breath Meditation.

I found it hard, this concept of connecting to me. I never wanted to connect to me or come anywhere near that, that is why I always wanted to get high, so I would not feel. She lent me some of Serge Benhayon’s books, which I returned to her without reading. They were not for me. I could not even get through one page. I then got annoyed with what she was teaching me and did not go and see her for a few months.

But somewhere in my body, I felt that she was not trying to make me change or anything like that, but that she was just amazing. So I went back to see her and she told me that another friend was learning Esoteric Chakra-puncture and that I could get some treatments from her if I was interested. I was afraid of the needles hurting but decided to at least try it.

This is where my life started to change drastically. It was in December 2009 after I had been really enjoying the Chakra-puncture. I started going every week and then decided to do a Chakra-puncture Detox program. I was supported to try not to smoke or drink during this time and on the 31st of Dec 2009, I smoked my last joint. I have not smoked since and it was the best choice I have ever made. It was not the easiest choice though!

I was lucky to have the support particularly from these 2 women, and as I gave up the weed that was burying everything I had never wanted to feel, from childhood events to more recent ones, I had the chance to work through them and deal with them, instead of numb them and run from them. I had to take responsibility and realise, that the only person that could change things now was me. As an adult there was no point in blaming my parents or past relationships. The taking responsibility part was hard because I had always preferred to blame someone else and not deal with anything.

In 2010 I started going to the Universal Medicine Esoteric Medicine talks because they were only $5 and I thought they would be interesting and that they may be helpful with my herbal medicine training. These talks have been truly amazing. They are not always easy to listen to because there is so much truth in them, and as I was so good at avoiding truth, it brought up lots of issues for me. But this time I decided not to run, not to be ashamed of my past, but to be honest and open to the possibility that there was a lot there for me to learn from.

I then started going to some of the Universal Medicine workshops and I met some wonderful esoteric students. The way they lived just inspired me. I loved the fact that there were no rules, because rules have always made me rebel. I loved the fact that here everyone was accepted no matter what they did or didn’t do. No one was judged if they chose to smoke, drink alcohol or go to sleep past midnight. It is after all just an individual choice.

I really wanted to do the courses so I needed a way to pay for them, so I started working part time. I decided that I wanted to learn the Esoteric Healing modalities. I joined the Esoteric Practitioners Association (EPA)* and was amazed by their code of ethics. I am a member of the National Herbalist of Australia Association and Massage Australia and never in my life have I seen a code of ethics like the Esoteric Practitioners Association*.

The changes in me are huge. And none of these changes would have happened if it were not for the love and support from Universal Medicine, its practitioners and the Esoteric students I have met.

I do not feel like the same person who arrived in Byron, three and half years ago. I now do not smoke or drink or take drugs. I rarely have any sugar, I do not eat gluten or dairy. After 18 years of being a vegetarian, I have felt that it is better for my body to have a small amount of meat. I go to bed early and wake every day with energy and excitement of the new day. I do not drink caffeine and I don’t need it like everyone else seems to. I have a full time job and I love it and I have recently been promoted to supervisor. I work hard but I rarely get exhausted. I am not on the benefit anymore. I have got a nice car to drive, a nice place to live. I rarely get angry these days. I don’t shout and get angry with my daughter anymore. I have even managed to save money for the first time in over 10 years.

I am not part of a cult. I make my own choices. I do not take on everything that Serge Benhayon presents, I do what feels right for me. I have so much appreciation of what Serge has presented and for the Esoteric students who have inspired me to be where I am today. I have also inspired people I know and work with to change their diets, to make healthier choices, to be more gentle in the way they go about their day. Two friends have also given up smoking marijuana. It’s beautiful to see the people around me be inspired by the way I live and the choices I make. Some of my family were skeptical at first, but they too have come to the talks and workshops and have had Esoteric massages and Chakra-puncture and have enjoyed it and made healthier choices for themselves.

I have not suddenly “got it” and am not perfect, I am constantly willing to work on myself and be honest and gentle with my own personal development. I now realise that first we have to make the changes in ourselves, to love ourselves first. This has not been easy for me as I was always so tough but slowly, with baby-like steps, I am able to make changes and the great thing now is that I am aware and do notice in my body when I go back to the old patterns of being a tough “tomgirl”.

by Anonymous, Byron Bay

* The EPA (Esoteric Practitioners Association) is the internal accreditation arm of Universal Medicine. It was instigated by Universal Medicine to monitor and accredit the modalities that were founded by Universal Medicine. 

485 thoughts on “My Story

  1. So true Natalliya, ‘the life we are living isn’t all that great when we choose a smorgasbord of ways to relieve.’
    It’s so easy to think life is great, but take out all the sugar, coffee, stimulants, alcohol & drugs, entertainment and ‘holidays’ and what are we left with. Most would throw up their hands, as I would have 10 years ago too, in protest that these are the things that make life good… but what if these are the things that mask the fact that life is NOT so good, and the shockingly unhealthy and unwell state of our collective bodies is surely testament to that.

  2. Universal Medicine and the modalities it shares, inspires self empowerment, not following. I have never been to self assertive and sure of what is true for me, my body and life….the antithesis of a follower…

  3. I’ve tried to bury my head in the sand all of my life believing I could never cope with how brutal or nonsensical the world can appear at times to be. Universal Medicine, the practitioners, the students and the modalities have shown me that it is possible to see everything in the world with a depth of clarity I barely thought was possible, and remain un-scarred. As I slowly face the world without flinching I am being supported to stand on my own two feet. There have been times I wanted to hand over to other’s to take responsibility for me but that has never happened. I am always supported to connect with my own authority and all the amazing healing and resolving of issues has actually been my own doing.

  4. We are forever learning Anonymous as you say, ‘I have not suddenly “got it” and am not perfect, I am constantly willing to work on myself and be honest and gentle with my own personal development. I now realise that first we have to make the changes in ourselves, to love ourselves first.’

  5. It’s incredible what we will justify as ‘healthy or natural’ in order to get away with a fix of some sort. ‘Organic’ wine and organic sugar are part of this ‘natural’ movement – which has nothing to do with connection to the body and it’s communication, but everything to do with attaining a form of relief, escape or reward.

    1. As I read your comment Kylie, I thought yes, how silly… how can the word organic suddenly make sugar or alcohol ‘good’ or ‘healthy’ for you!

      1. Or ‘organic chocolate’. I certainly used that one to make it okay for me to eat.

      2. Its crazy isn’t it really, when you think that one word can be used and then so many will eat it thinking it is healthy. I now know lots of products that have organic on the label that really are full of ingredients that are far from healthy!
        And on the note of chocolate, I had a friend who would convince herself it was healthy as it was mint chocolate so it had mint in it!!!!

      3. People use the word ‘organic’ like a stamp of health, not only is this not true but as well, do we take into consideration the energy that the organic product has been grown with or packaged in etc.
        I myself would rather eat a few chemicals then try and digest ‘organic’ food that is grown by a dope smoker. What is the energetic quality of the product if this is the case?

      4. So true, some of the spiritually laden organic produce is a lot more toxic on an energetic level than any pesticide that is for sure.

  6. The honesty, openness and straight talk in this article is refreshing and much needed in our world today where many forms of addiction are used to check out from life. But with what is presented here, checking out from life doesn’t bring the rewards we think it does. Only full commitment to life can again build our confidence and acceptance of the strength we have always had within.

    1. There is absolutely nothing to gain from checking out because eventually we all have to return and re visit or walk through whatever mess it is we have made. It is just how it is…. so rather than ignore this fact, it is far more loving to be responsible and be aware and present and it feels so good too!

  7. That is all we need – appreciation of who we are, what we choose that raises love and awareness , and what truly supports us to grow and know ourselves. There are no rules, just a way of living that is true for you and empowers you to truly connect you to who you are on the inside deeply so.

  8. Me too – I have been a member of some professional organisations before, and have never seen anything like EPA. When I first read their ethics and conducts I just cried. The love with and in which it was written was just so palpable and huge, it was the biggest, most amazing love letter I have ever read, and I also felt what I am being asked of by making a choice to be a part of that. It was a very beautiful, expansive moment.

    1. Everyone should have the pleasure of reading the EPA code of conduct. I agree it is a gorgeously expansive document that offers us not only a new way of being a practitioner but also a new way of living.

    2. Yes, it is a big commitment to say yes to the code of ethics, and yet it is a great honour to myself and to my clients to agree and stick by it.

  9. Small boats and I don’t really go together. I always seem (in the past) to have attracted bad weather and being constantly seasick is not fun. I was thinking that I couldn’t think of anything worse than spending weeks or even months on a small boat, then reading this blog I realised that yes being constantly stoned and numb as well as seasick would be much worse.

    1. hahaha you made me laugh reading this! Maybe part of being stoned and numb was so that I just didn’t have to feel everything that was part of living on the boat. I never got seasick as we lived on the boat from when I was 6 months old, so that was my normal. That is where I learnt to walk.

  10. Its a wonderful connection when we realise we don’t need be perfect and that part of living fully is making mistakes. But the key message is in the application of living in such a way that we can make mistakes and can constantly learn, but do so with a care and consideration of everyone and a willingness to look at the how’s and why’s. Within such a tenet how can we really go wrong.

    1. This is beautiful Stephen because making mistakes is part of learning. When we look deeper, go to the why and work it all out rather than just turn a blind eye, that is when evolution happens. Where true change occurs!

  11. We will find any way to justify something that serves the need we have to numb, distract, bury or dull down what it is we don’t want to feel, whether in ourselves or around us. Thanks for your honesty Anonymous, what you share is very powerful for others to understand some of what may underlie these sort of choices.

  12. It’s important for us to appreciate the choice to move out of that slumped lifestyle and build on it to expand ever greater and inspire many more to make the same choice.

  13. Thank you for what you have shared Anonymous, it goes to show that trying to struggle against unwanted behaviours and harming patterns is self-defeating and doomed from the outset as unless we get to the root of the problem, we will merely substitute one behaviour for another. So rather than damage control each outbreak, we can start by returning to the fact and the knowing of who we truly are, and from that confirmation, it is possible then to discard all that keeps us away from the truth – thus we learn to set ourselves free.

  14. The self abuse that we all have indulged in to some extent, mine was mainly alcohol, is designed to keep us from finding and connecting to the whole and true us. And so we cement ourselves into living a life that is so much less than it should otherwise be.

  15. Anonymous’s story is just one of many similar stories I have heard from students of the esoteric – and not a million miles away from my own. The common sense presentations Serge Benhayon offers have given hundreds of people the choice to take the bull by the horns if they so choose.

    1. Very true, I have heard stories from people’s past that would shock some, then I have heard stories from doctors, nurses, policemen, cleaners, housewives, sailors, …. in other words, people from all different walks of life and they have all had such support from the presentations by Serge Benhayon.

  16. I love this simple well written account of a life reclaimed. Very inspiring anonymous and so many people can relate to your life path. So great you have now taken the path less traveled, and where a life you enjoy.

    1. That is the thing, if we compare, there is always someone doing something worse and with that mindset, we kind of make whatever we are doing as okay…. but when we let go of that comparison, and feel, we know what is right for us. There is no denying it.. just a choice to bury it.

  17. Chakra-puncture consistently brings me back to a lightness and stillness – an amazing marker that I can then choose to hold, instead of entering back into the fray of emotions and energetic entanglements that otherwise rule my life. Each time I hold the stillness, the forces at play to keep the illusion ‘real’ get exposed in their mischievous ways, and the more clearly I can see and feel them, the greater freedom i have embraced to choose truly once more.

    1. For me, words just cannot describe how amazing Chakra-Puncture is. It really is such a powerful modality and one it day will be known worldwide for its incredible healing support that it is.

  18. I find it fascinating that we (myself included) exist through life and carry on with things like holding down a job, raising a family etc while being numb and checked out. I did not do drugs, but my chosen numbing substances were alcohol and food. Allowing ourselves to feel and deal with our issues is a big step in healing the hurts that drove us to the numbing behaviour in the first place. Then we find we no longer need to numb and those habits simply fall away. Thanks for sharing how you turned your life around Anonymous.

    1. So cool. Rather than focussing on the behaviours we can build an attentive, respectful and caring relationship with ourselves from which we can explore what it is that we are trying to numb and I have found that when the ‘issue’ is revealed it is so dealable with… it is like all the behaviours over the top (for me food, alcohol and shopping) veil the issue, making it seem big, when actually it often isn’t.

  19. Yes I agree when you meet someone who walks their talk you know they are the real deal and Serge Benhayon is a man who does just that.

    1. That is so true. We fall for an image, and in that falling, we are guaranteed a tough time as its not real if it based on images. We so get caught in illusions and its so distracting!

  20. This is such a beautiful story of the self discovery and self healing that can occur when we re-connect with our true nature. The teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have supported this for thousands of people since 1999, myself included. The teachings are simple in that from the very start we are presented with the fact that we are divine and that no matter what we have done in life this does not change who we are in essence. Once we re-connect with our divine nature we naturally want to stay connected and this supports us to want to discard anything that is not divine in the way that we live and be in life.

    1. It is true Elizabeth, we are all divine, even if at times we have lost our way and have gotten caught up in all kinds of stuff. It is just that, stuff and not who we really are, and the beautiful thing is, we can all return to that beautiful soul within whenever we are ready, no matter how far away we have strayed.

  21. The support that is offered with the Chakra Puncture Program is one of great healing and the potential to live and learn from what is not longer supporting the body. Thank you for sharing your story and for giving others the opportunity to connect to their own. A humbly and inspiring read.

  22. A amazing story of your life the enormous changes you have made getting to the simple and beautiful understanding of being love and living this from our innermost and everything else makes sense without perfection but with a true joy.

  23. There is a distinct lack of judgement or self criticism in this piece of writing, which is an absolute joy to read.

  24. Wow, Anon, this is absolutely amazing to read how you have changed things completely in your life! This is a huge turnaround that you have made and is to be celebrated in all its ways! Thank you also for taking the time to share your story, because it shows that no matter how challenged we can feel, there is support for us should we choose to embrace it – and in your case you embraced true support and showed a willingness to work your way out from many constraints that you were in! Amazing!

  25. Deciding not to run but instead taking responsibility for our part is beautiful…it is a choice to be humble and admit that we chose to dig ourselves into a hole and hence we can simply dig ourselves out.

  26. When I go to the local hospital to volunteer I chat to the patients and they tell me their life stories for the most part and I get to feel just how abusive we are towards our bodies, not just me but really everyone. I realise that we have been educated in a way from young to not take any notice of our bodies but instead concentrate on the mind, the mind becomes everything. I have discovered the mind does not care about the body at all and complains bitterly when it breaks down, so if feels what I’m saying is that we live in parts and not as a whole, and may be if we listened more to our bodies we wouldn’t abuse it in the way we currently do by using it as a rubbish bin for whatever we feel we need or want at the time, we just expect the body to cope with it. Wow how selfish is that?

  27. This is something that so few practitioners consider – how they are living their own lives and the energy that is therefore being passed on to their clients. We can hardly expect healing for another when we are yet to heal such issues in ourselves. The Esoteric Practitioners Association is leading the way, globally in energetic integrity with ethics of a divine order.

  28. What I love about your honesty Anonymous is that every choice you made to bring a deeper understanding and clarity around how you lived your life prior to finding Universal Medicine was all found from the connection to your body. That is so very inspiring and shows that our bodies will never give up, they will patiently wait for us to listen intently to what is being shared and we can move in rhythm with our bodies to deepen that relationship as we move with life. Thank you for sharing this is beautiful.

  29. I spent yesterday checking out, not really wanting to be bothered by much, and not bothering much. An old school day term, I ‘bludged my day through’ as I did the bare minimum. You are right, it does not feel very nice, my body feels heavy and lethargic today. Compared to the days when I am on purpose and checked right in, and my body feels vital and engaged. It is all a choice isn’t it?

    1. I so know what you mean. I tried to hang out with some friends the other day, and after watching one movie and doing nothing for most of the day as well as eating snacks that didn’t support me, I felt so lethargic and realised that for me, I need purpose, connection and sitting in front of a screen, watching a movie that doesn’t teach me anything just doesn’t do it for me.

  30. Of much inspiration from this article, today what has touched me is the ‘being honest and gentle’ with ourselves as we endlessly learn… it is from here that I have the humility and respect for myself to be open to all that is on offer.

    1. That is the thing, we don’t ever just get it and have it all…. we are always learning, every moment, and its okay if it takes a little longer at times, we wouldn’t get mad at a child while they are learning, and we need to bring that level of care to ourselves too and to others.

  31. Very inspirational blog Anonymous, it takes enormous commitment and dedication to turn your life around like you have and then to keep deepening and developing like you are, continually saying what’s next. Many people change and then rest on their laurels but not you, you just keep on deepening your connection with the all.

  32. Living a life that is fundamentally from being connected to yourself is a daily way, and it is only through that daily application of choices inspired from within that a new way evolves.

  33. When I met someone who was an esoteric student I was really intrigued as I had a quite a love for the philosophy of life and deconstructing why things don’t make sense in our human life – then I was blown away to learn about all the esoteric offered me, that indeed the freedom, absoluteness and unhindered joy for life still existed underneath all of the layers we take on when we go through school and generally growing up, it brought all of the aspects into one, philosophy, healing, medicine, religion and science.

  34. I used to think I was ok because I have never used drugs and never wanted to. But I did drink alcohol, fairly heavily in my twenties and overate on a daily basis. I had my ways of numbing myself to life so I didn’t have to feel too. With the support of Serge Benhayon and his presentations and courses, I have come to understand myself and life so much more truly and now, rather than avoid those so-called ‘bad’ feelings, I see that there is something to be understood and opened up to, a new level of awareness to embrace. It is a wonderful way to live and be in life and means that there is opportunity in every day.

  35. It really stood out to me from your blog just how easily we can justify our ill behaviour, for example smoking marijuana. We can justify anything and everything with our mind, which ultimately is cold and heartless whereas if we use our body to inform us we can feel just how harming something like marijuana is.

  36. “the only way I enjoyed life was if I was stoned and numb”, this could be said of any substance that can take us out, numb life away, or fool us into thinking that we enjoy life when we have it – when in fact we are not enjoying life, we are desperately seeking to not know life, trying to kill the awareness of what we actually know to be true, and what we know to be complete lies.

  37. Absolutely, starting to be loving and caring with self are important first steps, ‘I am constantly willing to work on myself and be honest and gentle with my own personal development. I now realise that first we have to make the changes in ourselves, to love ourselves first.’

  38. It’s very beautiful to be held in such simple love and acceptance with complete understanding by another. It can feel like a miracle when the walls of protection and fear start to fall away simply by being held in love and equalness.

  39. Wow what a difference in you committing to life and wanting to be part of it rather than withdrawing. As you have shared, there are so many solutions for us to check out from life- and it is very easy to do – but the question comes back to how are we willing to live and at what quality or cost.

  40. The way I have changed since my first Universal Medicine workshop is just huge, today I sit here in contempt, feeling steady and much, much more secure in myself than I have ever been. I am not numb to the anxiousness that runs through my body, but I am able to work on it and dissolve it when I feel it rising up. I know who I am, I know there is more to life than what we may perceive and I know that through studying the precious teachings presented by Serge Benhayon I will develop this knowing deeper and deeper. Universal Medicine is anything but a cult, it’s a health and well-being organisation like no other, it brings vitality, joy, magic, and love in the lives of ordinary people.

  41. I wonder how many people can genuinely say that they enjoy their life in this day, on this planet. We all seem to have something to get us through our days – be it coffee, alcohol, drug, sweets, sports, hobbies many things we claim that we love and we try very hard to find a balancing sport in all that trying to convince ourselves that our life is ok. Allowing ourselves to feel and admit what is truly going on is a big, humbling step, and I find Esoteric healing modalities great support in that process, as it allows us to connect to the fundamental truth of us as love so that our honesty is just that, no judgment, guilt or shame.

  42. This is incredible, to see the scale of which drugs like marijuana can affect you but also how at any point life can be transformed/turned around through dedication, commitment and support. The transformation you’ve described is absolutely inspiring.

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