by Kim Olsen, Warwick, Queensland
For many years, I grappled with an awareness/feeling that this world is full of paradoxes. Many so-called truths are based on part-truths, which is why we get hooked in when in fact the reality is, these ‘truths’ are in fact not true. Whilst I felt this deep inside, I was confused and troubled. It took the words of Serge Benhayon for me to accept and trust these feelings as the truth. By him affirming in his teachings what I had already felt, I gradually re-learned to listen to my feelings.
One such paradox was about sex and love. For many years I had realised that sex just did not cut it, and knew I sought love. But what is love? It felt clear that the needy, co-dependent love we are told is love, is not it. As a male, and hearing all the stories of what sex and love is about, I was confused. I thought that making love must be a higher form of sex, so I still viewed it through that window. I now realise that the two are not even part of the same paradigm.
For me, ‘being love’ is being present with myself first and then with others. Being love is the only space from which ‘making love’ can eventuate. Being present to others can only come from being present to me. I have found this being present builds more consistency, it builds a livingness. Here is the crunch… being in the livingness can only come from living what is true for me and being love.
So while at one level I knew that making love was a communion of souls, I could not quite get the profoundness of that until I learned to live as me. I now joy-fully choose it.
Over the years I carefully observed my reactions and myself. From this I noticed a couple of things:
- The phenomenon of ‘blue balls’. This is when men are said to get sore testicles if they get aroused and don’t get relief. Many years ago I found that this would only occur if there was an expectation in my mind that relief was necessary. So I say that if we don’t pander to a man’s ‘it’s all about me’ need, then we do what is ultimately the kindest thing, we ask him to experience truth. The truth is men have also been ‘sold a story’ that ‘it’ is about relief. I ask, relief from what? From knowing and experiencing ourselves and each other in truth? I say no thank you to that.
- I realised that when a well-meaning partner had sex with me when she did not feel to, I did not actually feel relief. All I felt afterwards was I should have said ‘no thanks’ (that isn’t easy in ‘the heat of the moment’). Not only did I not feel relief, I felt short-changed. This was difficult to understand and articulate then.
Those examples are just a taste of the anomalies I felt with my view of sex.
So you can imagine what a relief it was to hear what Serge Benhayon was saying on sex and relationships. I was able to let go of these myths and follow my heart. I had been grappling with these part-truths for many years and quickly saw the ‘it makes sense’ factor in what Serge was saying. So although I had seen that it is about meeting someone and not relief, I can now see clearly what I was grappling with. I now follow my truth and let go of a ‘need’ to be whatever someone, or the world, wants me to be. I am now able to let go of the expectation that I had put on myself and on my partner.
On a more general note, I now realise that when I was ‘being what I thought others wanted me to be’ (which was one of my coping mechanisms), not only was I hurting myself, I was also not giving my partner the chance to know me. The result of this was confusion for both. How could I be respected by me or another if I had a mask on?
This freeing has happened in many areas, thanks to the Universal Medicine teachings.
I now live with a gentle joy, which finds its way into my relationships, and means I have no need to fill the quiet spaces with myself and with others.
Thank you Serge Benhayon.
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
This is such as classic way that we learn to be, and so you voicing this reveals a common choice we have all made at some point in our lives: “On a more general note, I now realise that when I was ‘being what I thought others wanted me to be’ (which was one of my coping mechanisms), not only was I hurting myself, I was also not giving my partner the chance to know me. The result of this was confusion for both. How could I be respected by me or another if I had a mask on?”
Deep down we all know there is more to life than what we can see and what is on offer in our current society as a ‘norm’ and yet we struggle to find this truth. This explains why there is such a strong tendency for depression for how difficult is it to continue with life when we know something does not sit whole and complete for us. And yet the truth is not hidden, it is there for us when we truly seek it.
Thank you Kim for an honest and open sharing of a topic that is often bastardised or only discussed whilst avoiding the truth. Sex is a physical act but as we are so much more than just physical then what happens to the being part that is far greater and grander and volumous than the physical counterpart? This is the part that is often left out but you have discussed this so beautifully in this blog.
Kim thanks for your open sharing about sex and relationships. Certainly there are a lot of pictures around these topics but how great coming accross to someone who lovingly invites us to feel deep down inside and to discern where is actually the truth. Trust in my feelings instead of my thoughts is one the most empowering choices I’ve ever made, and it’s still an ongoing process for me to learn. Thanks Serge Benhayon for showing me another way to live.
One of the cool things I’ve learned from Serge Benhayon is being able to articulate my feelings. The more I do this and express what I feel the lighter I feel and less confused.
Thank you for showing us that there is another way.
There is only one thing needed in life that is connection, connection to our knowing of what is so divinely truth.
The co-dependant, needy, relief seeking type of arrangement between two people is a huge turn off. But I thank Universal Medicine for presenting that the subject is far grander. We don’t HAVE to settle for less than love.
‘I thought that making love must be a higher form of sex, so I still viewed it through that window. I now realise that the two are not even part of the same paradigm.’
I was always puzzled what the difference was and why having sex wasn’t fulfilling at all, but left me with an ’empty’ feeling. With Serge his quote; making love is being you and doing what you do’, a whole dimension got added that broadened my horizon and my love life.
Yes Monika, it totally elimates the poisonal thoughts. Brings back the truth of what making love is all about – it is in our every way in our everyday, not just in one or two acts. That would make no true sense.
Yes, I agree, Elizabeth. And what a great title for this honest sharing about sex and love.
The true is that we feel truth. It is a whole body nodding.
Aha, I trust the title of the blog is pun unintended 😉 But on a serious note, once one experiences what love truly is, it is with great effort one needs to override this and accept something that is less than such love.
I read your comment Michael and went back to the title of the blog and had to have a laugh! Thank you!
Kim, it is great to hear another mans experience and how you have said no to what is not love. For so long i have accepted love and essentially enabled less than the love I know to continue to be circulated around me. The more I step up and say yes to love and no to anything less than the love I know the more love becomes the normal and only acceptable way of being. After all why on Earth (pun intended) would we accept any less than the love we are?
I love the opening paragraph it says much. In particular the words about the many paradoxes of truth that are part-truths. The way these words are placed in particular are a great representation on bringing awareness. Truth ignites me and that is the difference between the part-truths that leave you empty looking for more. As Kim expresses how Serge’s livingness of his relationship with his intuitiveness is confirming to our intuition we equally hold.
“I thought that making love must be a higher form of sex”, yep me too, totally fell for that one as well. I think that is why so many men & women resisted this demand to ‘make love’ as opposed to ‘sex’ because it was so loaded with all these expectations, pictures, ideals and beliefs. What you share blows that out of the water as when we are simply ourselves (love) and share that with others, that is true making love. And when you choose to bring that to the physical act of sex, that is making love with this physical action.
Factually for most men, it is about relief. Yet, it is not told as such. So, it is even if men may not be conscious about it. Being aware of this helps to make a different choice and to start asking the questions regarding why do we need relief in the first place..
Relationships can be full of expectations especially when it comes to sex, however when we let go of expectations and make love instead a whole new world of gentleness, tenderness and love opens up to us.
We are shown that the world we live in is based on energy, that is felt in all that we do, act and experience. Nothing is free from energy. So should we live more in accordance to the quality of energy we move with, in and by. Beautifully put, we need to live the energy we are made of (love) and let go of all our loveless ways.
Expanding Ones Living-ness, is Love in motion and thus as you have shared Danna we are letting go of our love-less ways.
Yes Greg, for it is our forever journey to come back to who we are and live from that essential place inside, that instantly shows us what is true and what is not.
So true, our inner-most or essence is a deep place within where our livingness expands and we continually develop a deepening-humble-appreciative-ness.
Thank you for this brilliant blog Kim. I love the fact that you make it clear that making love and having sex are completely different things, one is not a higher form of the other. There is no on off switch for lovemaking, only a surrender to the quality that we naturally are.
True love is a quality that we cannot compromise on. For if we fall for the lure and tricks of emotional love that has us insatiably searching outside ourselves for something that is within, we will forever remain unfulfilled.
When we find the Esoteric way of living, which is reconnecting to our Inner-most we find that this essence is simply that childhood playful-ness that has always remained within.
A very beautiful Blog sharing feelings around sex that many experience. To bring this conversation forward is a huge support for both men and women.
Learning to be yourself, is one of the most simple yet so difficult things to do I find. Mostly because we are sold so many pictures about who that person should be, and that who we are is not enough so needs to become something. That is all an illusion. We are everything from the moment we are born. But slowly we lose our connection to that and choose to be something we are not. I enjoyed reading your story about returning to you.
Wow Kim, it’s not often that we get to hear a man’s perspective on making love and the feel the sensitivity a man holds. This in itself is a great healing offered.
I really loved reading this from a man’s perspective. Unfortunately, not enough conversations are had between men and women that allow each to understand the other or for our combined understanding to come back to truth. I have heard the belief that men need relief through sex, but as you say, relief from what? And what does making-love have to do with relief? If we are living in love and harmony then there is no need for relief.
This is huge — cutting through all the myths and lies that our world has been corrupted with that making love is about.. The true version of what love is is actually known in each of our hearts. And so, no matter how far the deception reaches, our hearts will remain carry the truth of what love is (=that is the source of who we are: love).
Thanks for having the balls to raise this topic Kim – whatever colour they are. It seems to me, that once we have rediscovered our connection to love within, sex doesn’t really offer us anything. There is no need for relief if we are in a loving relationship with ourselves for life is filled with ‘making love’ instead…and not just in the bedroom but in all areas of our lives.
Thank you Kim, this is a greatly needed topic for discussion around how we are in relationships and with eachother.
Kim your blog has reminded me of the vast array of topics that Serge Benhayon presents on, and that the Way of the Livingness, or living the souls way in earth, touches, transforms and elevates every facet of life to being about the essence of who we are – love.
It seems men and women have been short-changing themselves and each other for years when it comes to making love. How wonderful to get a clear perspective on sex v love. Thank you Kim, and thank you Serge Benhayon!
It is truly beautiful when we let go of all the layers of who we think we need to be and connect to our innate beauty from within. Those layers are thick with all these ideals and beliefs that we have taken on so to be able to free ourselves of such ways allows us to be all of who we are with everyone that we meet and have relationships with.
Thank you for sharing this powerful message of love, and how it is only by way of our connection to our love within that we can be the love we already are, through which we then can truly make love in all that we do, including when we physically unite with our partners to make love.
Thank you Kim for spelling this out so clearly – having sex is based on function and need whereas making love is based on connection and true intimacy; it is about expressing the love that we are together as opposed to using other to seek relief.
Having sex is currently the norm, but in the future it may be seen as a symptom of dis-ease, and indicate that there is an absence of connection to the essence of love we are. Sex is presently seen as the apex of human experience, and perhaps it is if the measure is living purely in function and physicality, shut off from the multidimensionality of our being and soul.
“But what is love?” This is a question that most of humanity is asking and not finding the answer. I too knew I didn’t have the answer until I listened to presentations by Serge Benhayon and I slowly became aware of the true love deep within me just waiting for me to feel and share with myself and others.
Our heart knows truth. Our heart knows love. Our bodies are waiting for us to live what our hearts know. This is the simple steps of returning to soul.
Deep down we do know it Adele and I love how you have shared this so openly. And yet we are kings and queens at complicating this and forgetting the very essence we have come from. Yet as we have created to complications, who best to undo them other than ourselves?
“Being love is the only space from which ‘making love’ can eventuate.” When we learn to love ourselves, be in that love and be the love we naturally are, there is nothing more we need to do.
I like how you say you carefully observed your reactions and yourself. There is an allowing in it, no judgement just observing to then be able to see what is going on.
Great conversation to have there is so much more to men an incredible tenderness that needs to understood more by humanity.
Trying to please another in a relationship to keep the peace just doesn’t work – we end up losing ourselves in the process, and losing respect for ourselves, as we’re not valuing what we bring to the relationship and to the world.
It is true that when a partner wants sex and not to make love, the experience no matter how physically amazing it is, would feel empty to me. But when a partner is really there fully present to you, to himself, to love, the physical part comes secondary but there would be a deep fullness felt, that is very beautiful.
If our focus is on pleasing another, and being what you think they want of you, then we abandon ourself and what is true for us, and people do not get to meet the true you
When we talk about relief, what are we actually talking about? There are many ways we relieve ourselves from the tensions and stressors of life – sex being one and food, alcohol, sports and entertainment being others. To me, we are relieving ourselves from not living who we truly are – so there is a void, a chasm that is created from not expressing our fullness and from there, the emptiness can be all consuming. But none of the above things really cut it – we are always left wanting more relief as we are not dealing with or acknowledging the deeper reasons behind the emptiness.
Re-building our Loving ways is an all-consuming way of Living and as that Living-ness expands we deepen our Love.
When I have been confirmed of what I have been feeling in my body which is very often up against what we regard as being normal in society there is immense joy left in my body and I agree it begins the journey to re-learn to listen and trust those feelings that I so often over-rided and ignored. A confidence develops on the inside where I begin to feel content within my body. The openess and honesty with which Kim shares is greatly appreciated – thank you.
Pleasing and living what we think another wants us to be is a clever trick to avoid responsibility yet it is through connecting to our inner heart that we begin to be aware of those moments that are untrue before we can live love. It is catching those moments when we go into pleasing another that we can ask ourselves ‘are we being true to ourselves?’
Thank you Kim for a very open and honest sharing and your experiences on finding your way back to true love – I am sure your article would be inspiring for many.
“I now follow my truth and let go of a ‘need’ to be whatever someone, or the world, wants me to be.” Profound and simple. The relief comes from not being who you are. Being who I am is not holding back the realness of what I am feeling and experiencing. Thus the world of truth is unfolding back to discovering what is already known and what is not true.
It is beautiful to read about the affects of sex from a mans point of view. It is refreshing and honest and defines the hurt that is felt, even if it can’t be articulated.
One thing I notice over and over in the blogs of Universal Medicine students is that what they hear from Serge Benhayon confirms what they already feel or know. It may be that something on a particular topic doesn’t feel right or add up, like this blog expresses on sex and making love, and what Serge shares clarifies, confirms and perhaps even expands what we actually already have a knowing of inside. Very empowering.
Appreciating these wise words learnt from real experience: “…not only was I hurting myself, I was also not giving my partner the chance to know me.”
How blessed is any relationship when we are willing to go beyond personal need, and indeed the seeking of relief via sex with our partner – and embrace the deeper honesty, truth and yes love that is on offer? Thank-you for sharing so openly here Kim.
When the focus is about pleasing others, we loose ourselves. When we are living who we are pleasing does not even enter the picture.
‘being in the livingness can only come from living what is true for me and being love’. To be true to ourselves is the most loving and nurturing act of self-care.
Absolutely – only when it is lived it is deeply felt. And this is when we start to feel inspired and be an inspiration of love and truth.
It’s no wonder that so many women don’t like sex. Sex is not a nice thing in my view. Making love on the other hand, is a completely different thing.
I love the simple and yet profound wisdom in recognizing that people will never get the chance to truly meet and know the real you if you are constantly being what you think others want you to be. An important lesson in reminding you that there is no one else to be but you.
‘I now live with a gentle joy, which finds its way into my relationships, and means I have no need to fill the quiet spaces with myself and with others’. Gorgeous Kim to read and feel.
It is an awesome article Elizabeth and yes to have it published in a men’s magazine would be truly supportive for all men and what they already know, but perhaps cannot articulate.
For me, ‘being love’ is being present with myself first and then with others. I agree Kim and is a very practical way to be love and most of all to be with ourselves.
“How could I be respected by me or another if I had a mask on?” That simple question Kim said it all. I love what you have shared about the difference between sex and “making love” and I am wondering how long we as a society choose to keep our masks on and championing sex as the best thing ever instead of choosing to be without this mask and discover what most of us are craving for – making love.
Thank you Kim for this simple and practical account of what making love means as oppose to having sex.
Kim what a great and honest article and how beautifully you have expressed. Definitely needs to be in mainstream media for others to read.
Thank you Kim, I really appreciate the opportunity to read about a man’s perspective on sex and making love. When we choose to have sex rather than make love we are actually undermining our connection to another. Your words allow me to feel how sensitive men naturally are and how harmful it is for both men and women to choose to have sex with somebody for relief.
Kim – I’m totally with you about the “blue balls”. I have also found it to be based entirely around the need for relief rather than any kind of physiological factors. Over the years I have been living with a far greater tenderness of myself, resulting in a much more intimate relationship with myself. Which in turn, has meant that I haven’t been craving intimacy from my partner, I haven’t needed that relief, I haven’t craved that missing connection because I have been living it so much more with myself…and so, I haven’t had “blue balls” for years.
Thank you Kim, so awesome to hear you express this, I would love to see your article in mainstream media to help bust the myths some of us have.
I love what you share here. Love isn’t about being dependable, but to be all of who we are with the other person and seeing all that they are in equality. It is indeed a hurt for both sides when we choose to be who we think others want us to be – it is dishonouring of ourself and in turn the other.
I love your honesty Kim. Allowing ourselves to be who we are, without the need to be ruled by beliefs, myths or images we may carry leaves space for our love to permeate all areas of our lives including our relationships. Awesome.
A fantastic sharing Kim. That such awareness is being shared by yourself and others more openly now, is the way men and women can be themselves by sharing the truth , instead of feeling they are letting each other down. There can be no acrimony between the two if there is honesty first.
“But what is love? It felt clear that the needy, co-dependent love we are told is love, is not it.” So true Kim. When I listened to Serge Benhayon present on the difference between sex and making love and the true meaning of love I could feel a deep awakening within me to discover the true love within myself and the joy of sharing my true love with another.
Kim, your blog confirmed for me that we are all the same and all equal. It was a beautiful and profound sharing that I so appreciated and all of what you wrote spoke to me deeply. We sell ourselves so short when we accept less than love and this is no less true for men -just because they don’t talk about it as much to women, as women talk to women about sex or dissatisfaction with a less than love connection. As I am not privy to what men talk to men about, I can’t say whether this topic comes up a lot or rarely. From what I can gather from the movies, there is so much bravado that is used as a shield to real feelings that it is a brave man indeed who would honestly reveal his feelings on this.
Super-confirming to have such an honest expression about an often taboo subject from a man, love it & appreciate your sharing Kim xX
‘I realised that when a well-meaning partner had sex with me when she did not feel to, I did not actually feel relief. All I felt afterwards was I should have said ‘no thanks’ (that isn’t easy in ‘the heat of the moment’). Not only did I not feel relief, I felt short-changed. This was difficult to understand and articulate then.’ Men and women are equally sensitive, we can feel everything, it is whether we choose to be honest about what we are feeling or not. Thank you for sharing with so much honesty your viewpoint.
Thank you for your honest sharing Kim, it is great to read a mans view on the difference between sex and making love. It shows just how sensitive men are and that they can feel just as much as women do. This blog blows so many untruths out of the water.
Thankyou for your post on the difference between sex and making love – from a man’s viewpoint. ” I now realise that when I was ‘being what I thought others wanted me to be’ (which was one of my coping mechanisms), not only was I hurting myself, I was also not giving my partner the chance to know me. The result of this was confusion for both. How could I be respected by me or another if I had a mask on?” An excellent point made Kim.
Every man knows when he is just using his partner for sex. It just depends how honest he wants to be.
Thankyou Luke. Honesty is key – for both sexes.
Thank you Kim for such an open and honest sharing, great to hear a man express on this subject and expose the lie we have all been sold. This line really stood out for me for me and is a game changer for all relationships – “For me, ‘being love’ is being present with myself first and then with others. Being love is the only space from which ‘making love’ can eventuate.”
‘Being present to others can only come from being present to me.’ this sentence stood out for me, re reading this blog. I can feel when I lose the presence with myself I can feel a need come up to get that from someone else. But when I am present, it dissipates and it is a joy to share a relationship with someone else and myself.
The paradigm around sex within relationships is strong and actually quite directive. There are a lot of ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’ that hang between people in a relationship where sex is concerned which are felt as pressures and expectations. What I have seen in in relationships between some students of the livingness who have committed to cutting the dictates of the sex paradigm from their relationship is that making love is something a couple can do just with an eye gaze, through a conversation or carrying something for the other. If making love starts here, there is no room for the shoulds and shouldn’ts when it comes to sex.
Thanks Kim ,a great expression for all men and woman regarding the deeper version of love we are all capable of and searching for . And relief from what I say ? Maybe the old relief we were once looking for now exposed was not love and does not now cut the mustard so to speak.
Kim you wrote from a man’s point of view but the truth of what you said is universal and applies to both genders. Until we remove the mask and be love with ourselves first we will not be making love to anyone in the true sense of the term.
this is a great blog, and it shows me that love and openness is the most important thing in a relationship. We should know everything about each other.
Kim i used to be so baffled by sex, I always assumed that this was the portal through which true intimacy could be ignited. However, no matter how good the sex, i would still feel strangely lonely and flat – i wanted to stay up all night talking and sharing but inevitably, my partner would be fast asleep! There is no on/off switch for love and there is no reserve for one more than another – indeed the deeper we appreciate and honour ourselves, this is fed back into every part of our being and with this comes the naturalness of pure intimacy.
Kim thank you for sharing your honest personal experience. I am sure there are many of us who need to truly honour ourselves and listen to that Inner voice.
This shows, Kim, how abusive the ‘relief’ part of Sex is: to oneself and to others. It starts with emptiness, and ends with dumping the emptiness on your partner. Not so pleasant and hence no fulfillment.
We have been sold a lie, we have been fed with words of emptiness, something to expect or project without even having experienced it yet. When it comes, we then think there must be more to it. And yes there was and endless source of opportunity to express love before, during and after. I did not know how to be love myself so I didn’t even know how to make love to someone else, but for a long time I thought I did, what a big illusion.
Making Love. These two words have cleverly been misunderstood to mean something else rather than the true version of what these words actually mean. I would say that most would immediately think sex when in fact it has nothing to do with sex at all.
Well said Matthew and in a way it seems strange that we have managed to twist the meaning of making love so drastically to mean sex as it is what it says it is. Making love is just that in everything we do.
Kim this was gold to read! I love the little pun in the tittle haha. It was a good point you made with number 2 -how when we have sex when we don’t feel too it’s just empty pretty much. And I loved how you shared that when we are trying to be what we think everyone else wants .. ‘not only was I hurting myself, I was also not giving my partner the chance to know me. The result of this was confusion for both. How could I be respected by me or another if I had a mask on?’ Golden point.
Reblogged this on florisvanderschot's Blog and commented:
Making #Love versus having #sex. Only in writing it there’s a huge difference. ‘Making Love’ feels honouring, warm, together, union, etc. Where ‘having’ sex feels very separate, harsh, cold, a game, etc.
When I heard Serge Benhayon talking about sex versus making Love I found it hard to really let in and accept. Because I came (had to come…) to the realisation that I actually had never (or rarely) made Love. What I’ve discovered since then is that for me being within my body is quite a thing. Especially when I’m with others. And even more especially when I am with another without clothes. I’ve noticed that I’ve been so focussed on the other person that I’ve totally given my power away. Since starting to make Love I’m slowly developing to be with me while making Love. And as Kim says, this can only come from being with me during the day as well.
What a powerful blog Kim and so great to hear a man’s voice on this subject. What a revelation that we cannot ‘make love’ until we learn to ‘be love’. This is huge and a game changer for all relationships including those intimate physically. And what a beautiful understanding that when we don’t pander to a man’s need for relief that we are actually offering him a deep healing and an opportunity to connect deeper to his inner essence, by asking him to consider why does he need relief from life? Why is there a tension or uneasiness there in the first place that he is seeking relief from?
It is so simple and so profound to read “Being love is the only space from which ‘making love’ can eventuate.” How could it be any other way? As you say a ‘paradox’ is there in society concerning sex and making love. We all can feel the difference and yet we deny and override this feeling for the sake of protecting our hurts and fitting in with society. Love brings love, if you shout at your partner and throw an angry word their way and do not take responsibility or resolve it, what do you share in the physical act of sex, can there be love in it? I am still learning to live with love and it has had a profound impact on all my relationships, including the relationship I have with myself. If I had not learnt to begin to love and appreciate myself, I know that I would have been unable to share love with another person.
In regards of the ‘relief’ – sex felt to me sometimes like having a good sports lesson in a gym or in a match. The body was stimulated and the mind happy with the interaction. But there was missing the connection and true intimacy.
I would love to see this blog being read by teens in their sex education classes. Imagine being a teenager and having love as your foundation for your flirtations with the opposite sex? Imagine how that would change everything, as teenagers are given the true difference between sex and making love?
Your opening paragraph Kim is powerful. What Serge Benhayon presents is something that we have all felt at some stage in our lives, but just didn’t trust because of the conflicting evidence all around us. By one person affirming that it is what we feel inside that is the truth, the world is an easier place to accept and be in.
Thank you Kim for sharing your story – i have never heard of the blue ball phenomenon, but what you say makes sense the connection between our bodies and what goes through our minds is so powerful, this is a great example.
To make love with one’s partner or wife is something so beautiful, and that intimacy has the true feeling of loving that person fully. it’s a true commitment to each other.
Kim, I can feel that you have really claimed what you have written about. It takes time to redevelop a connection with ourselves and to see and feel how we have acted out of need or expectation, with a few ‘ouch!’ moments of realization along the way!
The need to perform or play a role of being a good lover sexually with our partners or wives is strongly conditioned in us as men, and also women are condition by magazines etc. that they need to achieve multiple orgasms during making love.
When two people join together to make love there is such an unspoken pressure of it having to be a certain way and both party’s having to perform, that it leaves no room for true natural expression and intimacy.
Great what you share Thomas as we as women are definitely conditioned by all that is written in the magazines but also by movies. Orgasms, hot sex on kitchen floors (or tables), buttons that fly around the room, how often you should have sex every week, using sex toys and spicing your sex life up by wearing certain outfits. I feel there is no such thing as spicing anything up. For me it shows that within relationships there is a huge lack of intimacy and we don’t want to go to the truth of this.
I was never taught as a child to trust my feelings, which I am sure is true for most. I was afraid to say what I felt, especially if it went against the status quo of accepted ideals and beliefs, or may offend. Serge Benhayon is committed to truth and humanity, and does not hold back. When he speaks, he just confirms what we have always known inside – the truth. By Serge not holding back, we are able to give ourselves permission to do the same.
Thank you, Kim, for your honest expression. Not knowing who we are (=love) and what love truly is causes much angst and complication in our life, and our relationships suffer big time. Yes, thank you, Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
Great blog Kim. Its amazing how much more fulfilling and true life feels when we start to remove the masks of protection and reconnect to the true human beingness of just being ourselves, imperfections and all.
yes there is a lot of unsatisfactory in sex.. It misses the point entirely when it’s made about pleasure and relief… it misses out on the deep connection you can have with someone that then you choose to celebrate or confirm this connection by the activity of making love.
True Ariel – I was always under the impression that sex was for male relief and thats all it was for. What I truly loved about it was the degree of intimacy that came with it. But now I understand that making love is all about the expression of intimacy consistent in whatever act. So therefore making love can’t bring relief because it isn’t anything more than holding hands, or the way you talk to each other. Now that I understand that, it has reconfigured all of my past beliefs about intimate relationships – and for the first time in my life, I now have a partner who is amazing in every way and totally respects me. Thats what came with my understanding 🙂
Having sex for relief feels icky and unfullfilling, but making love feels full.
In this blog you touch upon a huge thing for men: relief seeking. Sex is, of course, a very common means through which this can happen. The question we do not often enough asks ourselves is why is there so much tension in our bodies? What is this tension about and how do we deal with it are crucial questions that men would benefit from talking openly about.
This is a great point you make here – “why is there so much tension in our bodies?” As a woman, it is awesome to hear the men sharing what is truly going on for them in regards to sex and love. I have learnt a lot from your blog Kim and from your sharing emfeldman.
Yes, these are super important questions ‘why is there so much tension in our bodies and what is it all about?’ not just for men to look at but for Women too.
Indeed emfeldman is it relief from the tension of not being the tender, honest man they have shelved.
What a great sharing Kim, this part really stood out for me –
“Being present to others can only come from being present to me. I have found this being present builds more consistency, it builds a livingness. Here is the crunch… being in the livingness can only come from living what is true for me and being love” – Such a great reminder, thank you.
Thank you Kim for sharing so honestly your experiences, of what love is and is not. Going from love being a need which is the way it was in the past, to being love with ourselves now and being present with it and others.
It’s really lovely to hear about sex and making love from a man’s perspective. Yes we have both been sold a lie, and have missed out on acknowledging all the tender moments we have that are making love, which have nothing to do with being in bed together. Developing true love with ourselves and then being able to express and share that with another is revelatory and stunning. So many moments make up love – and to celebrate all those moments physically is joy personified.
I love that the topic of making love feels so expansive, tender and honest compared to the limiting physical focus of sex. Your last line is beautiful Kim – ‘I now live with a gentle joy, which finds its way into my relationships, and means I have no need to fill the quiet spaces with myself and with others’.
Yes I agree Stevie, that last line is a gem! I can feel how far you’ve progressed in your journey to you Kim. Very inspiring. This topic needs to be unpacked further. I hope you write more on it.
‘If it’s not love, I’m not coming’ – that’s such a great motto for life!!
I really enjoyed what you shared here Kim, there were many aha moments for me as I could relate to a lot of what you shared. I can feel through your expression that the way you now live reflects the true you, not the facade we often put on to meet the needs and expectations of others and ourselves. It begins by reconnecting to the true you, living the loveliness you are and always have been and sharing that with the world.
Thank you Kim for this true expression and fantastic how you have delivered the gold in regards to ‘making love’ with your words: “For me, ‘being love’ is being present with myself first and then with others. Being love is the only space from which ‘making love’ can eventuate”. Your words detail that if making love is about ‘being love’, then if we are being love – we can be making love in any activity aside from the sexual. Making love then becomes about union of joint-loves together in celebration of any activity.
It’s beautiful to read how, by being more loving and true to yourself, you have been able to deepen the connection with your partner and those around you.
What stood out for me: “How could I be respected by me or another if I had a mask on?” Letting go of the masks is the most freeing way for me in life and to have the courage to show myself in all that I do. To read about your perspective as a man is very interesting and healing for me – thank you very much!
Yes, there is a lot about sex and making love to discover for men.
It is incredible how much of what Serge presents is a relief to hear… a confirmation of something you already know deep inside, something that inspires you to start to take the masks off and just be yourself.
Awesome Kim Olsen! you should write a trilogy on this, I found it so interesting to read and especially from a man’s perspective. There are things that men do not say but when women and men express these feelings I sense there are so many amazing relationships to be had.
So true Ariel- relationships would be so amazing if we just expressed how it is for us. Not only that, it would encourage others to do the same and let people know that they aren’t alone in what they are feeling. I loved hearing it from a mans perspective as well… Was really interesting to note.
I love that Emily , it brings understanding and love and we can actually learn from eachother! No individuality is present in that, a true togetherness that is made up of only love.
I am now and have been for more than a year in a relationship with Anita which is based wholely on love. This is in my 60s!
Our love and the healing just keeps expanding and growing. More lovely than I imagined.
Quite the full frontal blog, all of which is greatly appreciated.
Ahhhh the honesty! It’s so lovely to read your perspective on this, thank you Kim.
Thank you Kim for your heartfelt honesty which is so refreshing to hear from a man’s perspective and I love the play on words in the title. I could relate to so much but this sentence was a particular ouch for me: “I now realise that when I was ‘being what I thought others wanted me to be’ (which was one of my coping mechanisms), not only was I hurting myself, I was also not giving my partner the chance to know me.”
Thank you Kim for your loving and open sharing, I really enjoyed reading this blog so much; how refreshing is the truth!
These lines stood out and are awesome reminders for me: “Being love is the only space from which ‘making love’ can eventuate.” AND: “Being present to others can only come from being present to me.” So true. So simple. So, thank you, Kim.
Thank you Kim for giving us a man’s perspective.
Thank you. Being true love made it all unfold into simplicity.
Thank you Kim for writing about this, I felt in past relationships often this need from a man to be relieved because it would be so hard for a man to not have sex with a beautiful woman around. I never really got that because I did not have that same need as a woman! Now I can see men do not really need it either and that it is just a huge ideal that is carried by society – men and women equally. It is awesome you brought truth to this subject as it is very needed.
The relief is a very empty- ing experience these days, pardon the pun!
I love the title and can relate to the new level of love you are experiencing , let’s keep opening up the conversation.
Gorgeous blog Kim. This is a beautiful revelation. I can feel the wholeness in what you share and how seeking relief is so empty, and in-truth simply reflects back ones own emptiness.
Thank you for your honest blog, Tim. Your observations are inspiring to read and this level of honesty allows true love.
Thanks Kim, it was beautiful to hear you speaking so openly and hearing from a mans perspective on sex and love. It’s true as Reagan says above there is a stigma around men and their wanting sex for relief, but women also have behaviours and beliefs around sex and in the end we are all looking for the same thing, intimacy. This blog and the comments give us the opportunity to go deeper and to examine our ideals and beliefs around sex and to ponder on what making love truly is and where it begins.
Thanks Kim for what you have shared, having sex vs making love I feel is something for us each to explore our relationship with, as you have done so honestly.
Thank you Kim for sharing such honesty. There is such a stigma attached to men and the fact they want sex and that is their focus a lot of the time. But in truth, men are seeking intimacy the same as women, because we are the same, which your blog so beautifully reflects.
Beautifull Reagan. I recently came to this deeper understanding too. It’s painful to put others in boxes like this and we miss out on so much that they can offer if we meet them in openness and equality. I also realized how I’ve judged men for wanting to have sex for relieving themselves of tensions – and then saw how I’ve done the same but with different behaviours. Blogs like this and all the comments support us all to go deeper with our understanding, free up some held beliefs, bring clarity to certain behaviours and heal old hurts. Thank you everyone for your part in this.
Thank you, Raegan. Beautifully said.
I love the title of your article Kim, and talking about the difference between making Love / doing sex from your point of view was exquisite.
What an anormous relief for me as being a woman to hear you Kim as being a man talking about relief in a new way of honouring what kind of relief is truely meant. To get known to men like this brings another and a true level of understanding what “making love” is truely about.
What you offer here is very healing, as it’s seldom that men express how they too can feel the emptiness of ‘just having sex’ – a beautiful confirmation for everyone to receive. As a woman who has felt the emptiness of ‘just sex’ I have tried to express this feeling at times, but found others reacted when I brought it up. I now see that as I had not deeply claimed the truth for myself, that to ‘make love’ I needed to be love first, it was easy for those that I’ve talked about this topic to, to make statements such as ‘being too sensitive’, or ‚demanding‘ as my comments came not from Love but a re-action to the hurt I felt and held and so they would have come tainted and judgmental … Thank you Kim for bringing it up and out for all of us to look at and deepen our way as men and women together. I currently am not in an intimate relationship. You’re blog though feels very supportive and inspiring to explore this with a future partner from a the new platform which I’ve built for myself.
Thanks Kim, I enjoyed reading a man’s perspective on this and what particularly rang true for me was how when you were not being true to you and were living the expectations of others, you said you were “also not giving my partner the chance to know me.” This is not only a great loss for your partner, but for all others including you! How wonderful then was returning to a trust in your own feelings? This for me has been one of the greatest gifts I have received from Serge Benhayon, his presentations and workshops….it is priceless.
Fabulous blog Kim, so honest, and such a breathe of fresh air to hear a man talk of his experiences of sex in this way. And that title is superb, cheeky and yet it captures the essential truth of what you offer us – without love, it’s nothing, it’s not worth it. I see how when we hold back what we truly feel anywhere we damage another, as well as us; I felt the sadness when you shared how when your partner had sex with you without truly feeling it, you felt that deeply. We all want love and crave expressing it, yet the vital thing is that we express it with us first, without that, there’s no-one home otherwise and all you and another feels is the emptiness, maybe a momentary relief, but ultimately we’re cheating ourselves, of the glory and love that is us.
Yes Kim and Monica, it is so stunning to feel that it is about loving and appreciating ourselves first in each and every moment and from this basis be able to truly love or make love to a partner. This is huge. There are so many expectations, role models and pressure imposed upon making love, which can in its essence simply be the expression of the love we hold ourselves and every other person in.
Thank you Kim for coming forward and sharing what a lot of men might feel but not necessarily realise. Speaking openly and honestly like this is very refreshing and potentially very healing too. An inspiring blog.
Thank you, Kim, for being so honest about this important subject. What I could really relate to was the letting go of the pressure to be something and the coping mechanisms which kept you from truly being yourself. And I could feel the freedom of loving yourself first, and allowing that love to expand out into your life without effort or control – “I now live with a gentle joy, which finds its way into my relationships”.
The human being is the only species on the planet that has sex not only to procreate but for enjoyment… or relief, which is a much better and truer word. Why, if sex is so great, for years people would have sex and then have a smoke? Could it have been to fill the emptiness they had just created inside themselves? Making love will never leave you less because there is no need from either person; it is a joining and expands you both.
Kim thank you for expressing on this subject which tends to be avoided and is in need of discussion. The difference between sex and making love has got lost somewhere along the way and until Serge Benhayon explained the difference, I didn’t even understand that there was one.
Kim, I have experienced all that inter-dependency masquerading as love, and within that, the attempts to please by giving way in my relationship when the other “felt the need”. It did not work. Eventually I lost all connection with myself in relation to the making of physical love and was burned out. Now, with a new partner I have learned to feel when I am not coming from the love I know I am. Together we can work on this, as we both gradually come to recognise the difference between relief and what is truly loving.
The difficult thing for me has been to hold on to the truth of how I feel when I do not wish to engage, because I know I am not fully in my body with me at that moment; as well as to be honest about the old reactive patterns to years of spasmodic abuse that I have still clung on to, as a way of thinking I am protecting myself. I did not realise then but know now, that by trying to protect myself, by hiding away or trying to fit in, I just made myself more open to abuse; however if I speak honestly in the moment about what I am feeling, then I cannot be affected in the same way. To allow myself to feel my vulnerability yet speak my truth brings a deeper connection to myself and another, a far cry from being unable to speak up for fear of being rejected.
Thank you Joan for your honesty and I can really feel how by holding back from expressing my feelings in the past I have contributed to a lack of connection which is abusive to both people.
You put it so simply Helen, and it applies to all day every day, as making love is about everything we are and do, and our relationships with others. How about making love to ourselves every moment of the day, with respect and and an open expression to ourselves of how we are feeling? That is where the ability to express our truth to others begins.
It is refreshing to read your article Kim, thank you for sharing with honesty and openness, we can all learn much from this. I love the simplicity of this realisation ….’Being present to others can only come from being present to me’…. Lovely!
Amazingly honest blog. Thank you Kim. I love the play on words in your title, and I love your new found awareness about what making love is all about. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your honesty Kim. Great to hear a man’s perspective. This is a experience shared by so many. The emptiness of sex compared to making love. So great to let go of the many myths and ideals that hurt us deeply and keep us from truly connecting. Thank you.
Thanks for your honesty and openness Kim, it’s great to talk about there being a difference between sex and making love and to hear your experience of this.
It’s beautiful and confirming to read this from a man’s perspective. So often we women get judged on being too huffy when it comes to expressing that sex does feel empty and we would like to be met and made love to. In the past though I feel I came from a demand that it had to be delivered by my partner and I do not have so much influence in it – putting myself at the receiving end and at the mercy of what is given to me – which left me feeling like a victim when I succumbed to what did not feel true to me, or then when not playing the game and saying no to sex I felt that something was wrong with me.
Then I realised I needed to go deeper in living lovingly with myself and only this can grow how I then express this love outwardly. I’ve yet to discover how that will be with a partner, from this new understanding and platform. Reading your blog feels very healing and confirming to hold onto my truth and trust that also men truly feel the same. I trust that we just need to meet, hold onto our truth and express from there and things will unfold differently then. Thank you for your beautiful expression of this very delicate but also wonderful topic Kim.
Thank you Kim, great blog. I now look very differently at past relationships, and remember a man sharing how he resented feeling the need ‘to perform’, and I realised that we have, and still do, put that pressure on men, through advertising, the media and the general expectation in society that a man should be feted for his sexual prowess. That’s NOT loving to me.
So great to hear a man’s view on sex and making love. We really can feel the difference when someone is simply obliging us and it feels awful. We may get physical pleasure but it is short lived, because the deep and intimate connection we were looking for is not there and it all feels so empty. How beautiful to know the way to achieve this intimacy lies not in having sex, but in the quality of our own presence, our ability to be gentle and to allow a relationship to naturally unfold and deepen, because we are willing to share all of ourselves first. Thank you for your honest and tender article.
Awesome blog! Thank you
Kim – when you said that not being yourself was also not letting your partner see who you truly were – that jumped off the page for me. So simple and true in every way. That when we hold back, it has an impact on everyone else around us! We think we’re holding back to be polite or nice or hide, but actually it is a pretty selfish thing to do.
It’s pretty cool to read how you’ve felt this and now live in a way that does not ask you to hide at all.
I agree, I totally got to experience this about a year ago, the harm we cause when we hide or hold back expressing what we feel in that moment, how the other is left less and on some level won’t be able to trust you as you are not being you. It is great to free yourself of this bind. It is a work in progress with daily opportunities to be me or not!
So true HV and Vanessa. It is such an important point which many people do not appreciate that non-action, holding back, is in fact an action and one that can have huge impact. The more this is recognised, appreciated and people speak up, the less people will be able to ‘get away with’ behaviour that is not acceptable.
Beautiful blog Kim. Thank you for sharing.
Great to read this again. Thank you Kim for your honesty – it is so refreshing. This level of honesty and communication is so needed. Love the title!
Thank you Jonathan, I just got the title too! That is really funny. It is so refreshing for a man to share his experience of sex. Often women feel that’s all men are interested in, getting relief, so it is such a valuable insight to have a man speak on what that really feels like and, that he is not prepared to settle for that any more. Very inspiring, thank you Kim.
Kim.
Pure magic in your blog.
Awesome blog thankyou.
Thank you for bringing out into the open so clearly and beautifully what is felt but generally not expressed.
How wonderful to hear, with such honesty, from a man’s experience and how amazing for everyone would it be for men to be as open as you have been. Thanks for sharing!
Beautiful in the way in which you have discussed this Kim. I am sure you are not the only man who has felt this way and so now you have given many others the opportunity to be honest at least with themselves if not opened the way for discussions on the topic of Love vs sex.
That is awesome Kim thank you it is beautiful to hear from a man on the differences between sex and LOVE.
Thank you Kim. I had to read it twice before I got the whole. Very direct, honest and lovely post. Inspiring and needed in the world like it is today.
Kim, I loved your sentence “Being love is the only space from which ‘making love’ can eventuate.” Those 12 words reveal much…particularly to men
Thank you for sharing how you reclaimed your awareness of the deep and loving intimacy that making love is, Kim.
Society in general talks about the man getting relief during the act of sexual intercourse. This is what lads entering into manhood usually think it is all about. Kim has clearly exposed this as a furfy. What a relief for women, who deep down also know there is a gigantic difference between having or being used for sex and the making and being of Love, to discover individual men are now aware of this as well. May their numbers increase.
Awesome, really felt the truth in all your experiences and having recently been discussing these points with my partner was happy to hear a man step up and voice what I was feeling. Cheers, Craig
I agree Craig, it is awesome Kim for you to boldly express where not many men would choose to go. Craig’s response is testament to what you have brought to another man let alone for me as a woman. Thank you.
Kim thank you for expressing your long term knowing that something was not right and the anomalies that you find are branded about on sex and relationships.
I appreciate you writing that if your partner has sex with you when she does not mean to, not only can you feel it, but you also feel short-changed. I myself find there is nothing more gorgeous than being with someone who is being themselves lovingly, while when someone is trying to impress in anyway everything feels empty.
It appears if we all took more care to be true to ourselves, and discussed the anomalies we experienced more openly, the world would have far greater fulfilling and truly loving relationships.
Love the title, love what you had to say! Thank you, Kim.
Yes I also had a good laugh at the title!
Hi Kim
What a great sharing. Even though I too have experienced what you say, I find that reading it so clearly written actually confirms and deepens my experiences to new levels – especially the blue balls bit!!!
Ha, I have to agree Nicola about the blue balls bit!
It is great to hear such honest experience of sex vs making love from a man – for two main reasons:
1. most men would not admit what you just shared Kim although it is true for them too.
2. if a woman says it she is either frigid or it’s her ‘that time of the month’
I deeply appreciate your honesty.
Awesome to get the full male perspective on the difference between sex and making love, thank you