by Janina Koch, nearby Cologne, Germany (English 2nd language)
I have been doing the workshops with Serge Benhayon now, since 5 years, being committed to go to the UK from Cologne three times a year in May, June and November.
There has been so much I have learned in this time about myself – becoming more and more aware and allowing myself to feel. Becoming aware how much I actually feel but rather choose not to, as I have felt easily overwhelmed by people, situations and expectations. So, I have very well-developed techniques not to feel me: for many years I used TV, alcohol and food. During a day of work or studying I looked forward to coming finally home to my evenings of TV, drinks, crisps and chocolate, or to meet a friend and to drink and eat together.
I didn’t really know to feel joyful and harmonious in my body, but somehow I preferred to rebel against it all than to do it the way everybody did it. I kept myself busy or numb, or was involved in emotional turmoil with my partner.
A few years ago Serge Benhayon said to me, “Beautiful Janina, be love”… I took it as a compliment of my looks; little did I know, at the time. I was so convinced that I was wrong, a failure, being unemployed a lot, not having a successful, happy life. I was so used to put myself down for anything.
The first two years of going to the courses in England, I tried very hard to be gentle and to behave in an ‘esoteric way’ – feeling that I won’t manage to ‘get it’ or to succeed. Even though, nobody asked me to be in a certain way.
Serge’s message was always clear – choose to be love and choose to be you. In the beginning I did not let in the message ‘choose to be you’ – as being me was certainly not something I wanted to be.
Over two and half years ago I went to my first seminar with Chris James, a 5-day retreat (singing). This was a revelation for me. I discovered that singing is natural for me. When I sing I allow myself to feel me. To express me in a loving and self-supportive way has showed me how beautiful I really am.
This has opened closed doors, a process to slowly open myself to discover more of my true essence. And to develop more trust in me and that I can go “with me” out into the world.
What is very inspiring all along the way are the beautiful and loving esoteric students I have met from all around the world.
And a big Thank you here to Serge Benhayon and Chris James.
I live in Germany, we have really great Esoteric practitioners and students here and their reflections are very inspiring – now including me!
The other day I started drawing a picture – a woman with a big heart, flying hair, going up some stairs – I wrote: stepping up to be me.