by Dr Rachel Hall, Brisbane Australia
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” Harvey Fierstein
My whole life I recall being told: be quiet, stop talking, don’t shout out the answers, you can’t say that, keep your trap shut, shush, be silent, pipe down, don’t speak out of turn and hold your tongue, along with a multitude of other colloquialisms to stop me from verbally expressing myself.
As a young child I was quite the little chatter-box; I would talk and talk and talk and make up little songs. I would say what I felt in the way that I felt it, even if that meant saying something out of turn or telling you I didn’t like you. Even if it meant I might get into trouble.
I can recall an aunt and uncle visiting and my mother asking “Are you going to kiss uncle so and so goodbye?”, and me telling her “No! I wasn’t, because he felt like a mean man”. Well, you can imagine how that went down.
I can recall telling my teacher “When you were in your life before this one, you had a baby but it died and you were very sad”. She was pretty shocked, and asked my parents to come in to have a chat.
I remember many occasions when I spoke of the ‘people’ who would visit my room at night, or the ‘angels’ who came and sang with me, only to be told (or overhear the adults say) that I had a very over-active imagination, or worse, that I was telling lies.
One time, when I was about four, I told my mother very calmly, very matter of factly, “You say you love me, but you don’t really”, as if I had commented on the weather or what colour dress she was wearing. She attempted to laugh it off and told me not to be so silly, but I could feel it was true. But in that moment I also felt her sadness and her hurt: the hurt she carried from her parents not truly loving her. I was able to feel the lost little girl in her, who was crying out to be adored for who she was, in the same way I wanted her to adore me for all of who I was.
Looking back, it was in that moment that I realised that sometimes it didn’t do to speak your mind, as people’s feelings got hurt – or they reacted to what was said. It pained me to feel their sadness, anger, devastation or loss. It pained me so much that not only did I start to hold back my natural way of expression, but I began to withdraw into myself and away from other people. I was sensitive to the vibe that a person gave off to such an extent that I was able to gauge with whom I could be open, and with whom I needed to be guarded. I began to shut myself down like a dimmer switch to suit the mood and adjust to the people around me, so they could feel comfortable and I needn’t feel their pain.
I gradually stopped saying what I felt and started saying what I felt others wanted to hear: I compromised my truth and who I was in a desperate attempt not to rock the boat, trigger a reaction or cause offence. I became quieter and quieter, but inside it was agony, like a pressure was building and I was going to explode.
And explode I did… in fits of rage and fury, angry at the world for not being ‘right’, devastated by the emotions I was so intensely aware of, furious at a society that asks us to be nice and good and polite instead of loving and true. Incensed at a world that would not let me be me.
The more I swallowed my words down, the more pain I had inside. I felt lost, hopeless, isolated, misunderstood and incredibly lonely. But words are not the only expression; the way my body moved and how I did things altered – there was no tenderness, delicacy or gentleness in my actions. I was nothing like the carefree young child who used to frolic in the long grass with the angels.
Recently I learnt I no longer needed to be this way, and through a series of personal development workshops and healing sessions with Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine – and the choice to live more honestly and loving of who I am – I have been able to find my voice again and start to live from who I am inside.
I now trust my feelings and express my truth, both with my voice and the way my body is, and moves.
Yes, occasionally the truth appears to hurt, but being silenced by a world that bullies us to be something or someone we are not hurts us so much more.
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Rachel, such a beautiful open little girl who sang with the angels and so beautiful to have you singing with them again.
Great blog Rachel, I and many others are so glad you have found your voice. I can so relate to your past as that was me also. The tension of holding back would build up into outbursts of rage that used to shock people as they had no idea that I had been feeling whatever I shared in the outburst as I was so good at holding back and measuring what to say. I had learned from experience that nobody wanted to hear what I was truly feeling this was always confirmed after an outburst. In my attempt to not upset the apple cart I ended up knocking the apple over the cliff! Through Universal Medicine workshops and presentations I have learned that expression is everything as it is our every thought, word and deed so if we are measuring our words this changes the way we think and walk as we are no longer walking our self instead we are walking a measured version of who we truly are.
“Define yourself” – I love that, every day is our life and it’s our choice what we make of it and what we make of ourselves – do we choose to be true to who we are or take the easy route? To speak the truth? Or to stay silent?
During an Expression and Presentation workshop by Universal Medicine I realised that no one ever told me as a child to stop walking joyfully, as you shared Rachel the focus is so much on what comes out of our mouths but this in effect affects how we move as well. Today I am feeling how horrible it is to clog up my body with food that gets stuck in my throat. With the support of Serge Benhayon I have learnt that expressing myself feels far greater than holding back, but now I question if the go-to for clog-up foods has anything to do with expressing my appreciation for how amazing I feel expressing myself. Is there any ‘Don’t big yourself up’ beliefs lurking because regardless of the why and the belief that this is needed it doesn’t feel true and hurts to not express clearly.
I love what you are sharing in this blog Rachel, and I am sure many can and will relate to this, ‘furious at a society that asks us to be nice and good and polite instead of loving and true. Incensed at a world that would not let me be me.’ Thank goodness you finally found the truth.
I can relate to what you share here Rachel, not expressing myself, staying quiet, ‘I compromised my truth and who I was in a desperate attempt not to rock the boat, trigger a reaction or cause offence. I became quieter and quieter’.
There is a lot of joy being who you are and knowing we are designed to express. It is then a choice what expression we allow…
I loved hearing about what you were like as a young child. All I could see was you now as you described it all. Maturing has nothing to do with loosing that absolute honest gorgeousness and truth that we just know as children and it’s lovely to return to that quality.
I love what you describe here, that when we stop expressing what lives within us our whole body gets affected as we literally keep something in that is meant to go out. It goes to show how our every move and expression contributes to our well-being.
What a candid and amazing account Rachel, of how we lose touch with the expression that is innate to us – as we are told (both verbally and through many, many cues…) to essentially, not be ourselves.
For most of us there is an eroding that occurs with this – an eroding of our true confidence, and as you’ve also shared, this is often coupled with a wont to not feel so much about those around us…
Yet feel, sense and perceive we do – inclusive of our own shutting down. How powerful then is it, to consciously redevelop our relationship with our own expression, and recognise where the shutting down and indeed bullying came from – the undealt with hurts of others and societal patterns of ‘fitting in with the status quo’ that have disabled us for literally aeons.
It is gorgeous how transparent and open you were as a child… I could relate as nearly all of us can I’m sure, to shutting ourselves down and dimming/adjusting our light to not cause waves… but it’s those waves that expose what is not true and remind people they are living less than who they are, so I love that you are no longer holding back in what needs to be said… and blessing those by rocking the boat with your truth.
As I read your blog Rachel I cannot but help wonder how many of us are walking around with our dimmer switch on low hiding our full potential and rays of light we can all shine with and be.
“I began to shut myself down like a dimmer switch to suit the mood and adjust to the people around me, so they could feel comfortable and I needn’t feel their pain.” This is a very apt description of how we dim down our light to not shine too much light on the things that are going on.
“Yes, occasionally the truth appears to hurt, but being silenced by a world that bullies us to be something or someone we are not hurts us so much more.” Thank you Rachel for your amazing honest words – for me truth only hurts if I could feel that this person is reflecting me something I chose not to live for myself even if I could choose do so.
I often watch adults as they walk down the street with hunched shoulders and shutting themselves away from the world and wonder ‘Where is the young child in them that used to frolic in the long grass with the angels?’ Serge Benhayon presents and shares The Way of The Livingness that offers us all a way to reconnect to our inner child, our true loving being and the magic of God.
“I gradually stopped saying what I felt and started saying what I felt others wanted to hear: I compromised my truth and who I was in a desperate attempt not to rock the boat, trigger a reaction or cause offence. I became quieter and quieter”. The world I knew as a child was all about saying what people wanted to hear – and not only as a child….As I reclaim my expression . along with many other students, I am now expressing more of my truth – not always comfortable for either party. But as I learn to express with love and understanding – not from judgement – there is a feeling of liberation.
I wouldn’t be shy to say that the majority of the people of this world have experienced a shut down in their expression. It takes a real strength to commit to the truth despite the backlashes of people’s hurts. I wish to express freely as I once did as when I don’t the tension I feel when I don’t is very obvious which highlights the naturalness that truth should be spoken everyday and every moment.
It feels like you have shared this for everyone Rachel, for we all turned away from the love that was so natural for us, and we can all reclaim it as you have done. I love the quote it is a great way to live and a beautiful accompaniment to this blog.
I agree Bernard most of us have turned away from expressing truthfully what we feel. How great to claim this back step by step.
Very beautiful Rachel, I love how you expressed as a child, and it is truly beautiful to know that is still there, also in me I feel and experience more and more, the expression of truth and love.
Such power and truth in this blog Rachel, I especially love this line -“Yes, occasionally the truth appears to hurt, but being silenced by a world that bullies us to be something or someone we are not hurts us so much more.” – Very true, thank you for this reminder.
Annelies, I always made it about; I shut down not to feel other’s pain which is true, but actually underneath that was also ‘ a remedy to not feel my own pain of not living what I knew to be true’. Back on me and my choices…..
You certaintly did find your true voice again Rachel, I just loved to read this again and love how openly and honestly you share. Great to feel you are no longer dimming your awesome light….!
No one benefits from holding back the truth – neither the speaker nor the listener.
I don’t recall how I gave up my true expression as a small child, but I can very much relate to the fury and anger, and the hardness in the body and the movement as a result of holding myself back. You express with such beauty and power, Rachel, it is such an inspiration to feel that the hurt you experienced no longer owns you.
Sometimes the truth appears to hurt, but can be the most loving thing that someone hears -to have the opportunity to look at something that needs addressing is precious, truly supportive and truly loving. When we see kids doing something that isn’t nice, not good for them or good for others, then we know how important it is to take the time to say that to them, so that they learn and don’t continue with an ugly behaviour, well adults are worth taking that time for too, we are very far from perfect, in fact often children are more honest and able to express than adults.
Great blog Rachel and I love the dimmer switch analogy but also described myself as a chameleon like Annelies. I realised early on that people found my directness too hard and although I was an angry teenager I had already learnt to calibrate my expression and this continued until recently when I started re-discovering my own voice through presentations and workshops with Universal Medicine and also Chris James. This is transforming my life and I no longer explode in anger with the frustration of holding back. Thank you for your amazing expression, both spoken and written.
This is great Rachel, I bet so many of us can relate to shutting down our expression in this way, so many that it appears that it is a normal way of growing up, but what have we really lost out on? There is real pain and harm when we do not express how we really feel, to our self and to those around us.
I can relate to so much of what you share here Rachel, and know that I have also done the same in working out who I could be more open with, who to hold back with and calibrating my expression to be what I thought others wanted to hear – how exhausting!! Awesome to hear you are now re-claiming back not only your true voice, but also the way in which your body moves.
Rachel your story of how you silenced yourself to accommodate the world is profound reading. It shows how spontaneity and honesty in children are often not welcomed, but resented and crushed. I was very silent as a child, did not speak up at all, in our culture children deferred to adults. I’ve at last understood and felt the power of speaking my truth. This sentence means much to me: ‘Yes, occasionally the truth appears to hurt, but being silenced by a world that bullies us to be something or someone we are not hurts us so much more’. I recently spoke my truth to someone I know, the person went into reaction and fury. I was able to be with it, because I knew it would have been dishonest of me not to have spoken up.
If I continually swallow what I am feeling it can’t help but hurt… and its an intense solitary pain where I feel alone with it. Expression is everything, the key to unlocking our full potential and sharing with the world what we can feel so clearly. Thanks for the great blog Rachel, a timely reminder.
Getting your voice (hence your expression) back is a great present for the world. Your expression of truth is a shining light for others to see and feel.
A beautiful example of what can happen when our true expression is withheld.
“Yes, occasionally the truth appears to hurt, but being silenced by a world that bullies us to be something or someone we are not hurts us so much more.” Thanks Rachel.
I loved reading your story Rachel, it makes me smile to know that you are once again the amazing truth expressing soul of your past refusing to be silenced by the hurts of the world. You go girl – you are an inspiration to us all.
Brilliant Rachel, we are here to express and it feels to hold back anymore as you said will only hurt us more. To begin to express our truth feels freeing and while I am only just beginning to dip my toe in, (having held back for so long),I know to live any other way is not truly living.
No wonder that stifled expression burst out in rage Rachel…there is so much power in you and so much to be said by you that, just like a cracked dam wall containing a mighty river, it was always going to burst.
How very likely it is that your health would have been compromised, had you continued along that path of suppression.
Now you have found your expression again in movement and voice, everybody benefits, including your profession and the people who come to see you for your care.
I too relate to every word you have written. I never burst out with rage, but would lash at myself internally with such fury that it shocks me to recall it.
It has been a slow path for me to regain confidence in my voice, and it is an ever-deepening re-gathering of my self and all that I know innately. I am learning to never allow myself to be bullied into silence again.
Thank God for Serge Benhayon who inspired me to look within to that innateness and allow it out into the world, as it so naturally wants to do….just look at those chatty three year olds and you will see that this is so.
Rachel you express so clearly and fully now, and in telling your story you inspire me to express myself more fully and with far more consistency.
Wow, Rachel thank you for writing this! I just realized after reading your article that it was so normal for me to hold myself back and not speak and share what i feel to say. But it isn´t natural and it is a constant struggle to hold back. And it is beautiful to start expressing my truth 🙂
So true lalajanina, it is a struggle to hold back our natural expression – I am starting to feel this more and more, and can feel how it changes the way my body feels when I hold back.
I love the quote you open with “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” HF
Sometimes its easy to allow ourselves to be a victim, then we can be that role and not have to take responsibility for our actions and our choices to be silent, the choice to shut our own mouth’s! So we could also say, ‘I will never allow myself to make myself into a victim.’
Very wise words newlookstresssolutions, and that applies to both quotes.
What a powerful story of expression Rachel that I can relate to. Always in my school reports the teachers wrote being a ‘chatterbox in class’ and hence the need to ‘quieten down so as to not disrupt the lesson’. I loved talking and expressing, and movement in the drama classes! But at the same time I was also very, very reflective, and similar to you, happened at times to ‘know personal things’ about people’s lives or circumstance… though never vocalised what I was able to sense. I would have the most amazing dreams and enjoyed creative writing for school homework – ‘a very active imagination’ came back the school report. As the years went by that appetite or enthusiasm turned into seriousness, studiousness and a guarded aloofness on the outside that did not make sense to those who got to really know me as being warm and friendly – I was operating in-contra which created a restriction in my body’s flow and a confusion not just for myself, but also for others who could ‘not work me out’. Today I am relieved to be back to my original funny self and it feels freeing and natural.
Thank you greatly for your healing words of truth Rachel. Awesome.
Thank you Rachael for the way you share this, it reminds me of so much from childhoods brightness to the dreaded dimmer switch. Since reading this much has stirred and last night my dreams were literally of clearly feeling something, but the words being stuck in this big lump in my throat… Silence definitely hurts. Enough of the dimmer!
Not keeping silent often got me into troubles over the years. I can still not be silenced but the quality of my openness has changed a lot since coming into Universal Medicine. Before I met Serge being blunt was mostly driven by some form of anger or frustration (or both!) and even though my words were true, they often came across as aggression rather than communication. I am enjoying re-learning the art of true expression 🙂
“Being blunt was mostly driven by some form of anger or frustration (or both!) and even though my words were true, they often came across as aggression rather than communication” – I can really relate to this and I even used to mistake emotionally charged exchange as honesty.
Thank you Rachel for sharing your experience. I can very much relate to it and just most recently I have felt the relief in others when I actually do express from my fullness, with my words or body. They have welcomed it. And yes it is so true that not expressing what is true is far more hurtful with harsher consequences.
Wow Rachael! I can definitely relate to so much you have written. So grateful you have found your voice as your words are a true inspiration. Thank you.
Rachel, I’ve never met you, but reading your post felt like reading my own life story. Particularly towards the end, when you speak of exploding in rage – I absolutely did (and still do sometimes) the same thing for the same reason. Reading this is amazing. Thank you!
Dear Rachel, thank you very much for your open words. You have said so true, how much it hurts us, to be not my true self, to live not our truth. How much energy we have put in not looking at this… but how fulfilling it is, that we have a choice and how gorgeous and amazing, when we take it and heal ourselves. You are a great example for me and support me with your words.
It’s great to see that true expression is such an inspiration, another reason to make sure that we say all that needs to be said and not hold back.
Thank you for sharing how life was for you as a child, Rachel. You put it perfectly, as I too ‘shut myself down like a dimmer switch to suit the mood and adjust to the people around me, so they could feel comfortable and I needn’t feel their pain.’
The trouble is that in choosing to deal with life that way and to stop really being ME has ultimately caused hurt way more than feeling their hurt would ever have done.
Rachel, how blessed are we that you have reconnected to the true you. How different our lives would be if we had not found the inspiration of Serge Benhayn that invites us to take responsibility again for our selves.
These articles from different students offer so much support, confirmation and inspiration. What one shares may touch something similar in me or another that then allows me to open and heal. What a gift. True brotherhood.
Thank you Rachel!
How fortunate we are, Rachel, that you have found your voice again as what you express is so worthwhile, needed and appreciated! I too come from an upbringing that “children are to be seen and not heard”… what a tremendous shut-down and a debilitation that affected my self confidence well into my adulthood and has taken many,many years to overcome. With the ongoing support of Serge, presentations of Universal Medicine, Unimed practitioners, coupled with my commitment to self heal thus deepening my love within, at last I too am developing my true voice – without fear to express it!
Rachel I feel you echo the voice of humanity with your words, how crazy is it that all people feel this way but yet we can feel we are the only ones feeling it, hence the illusion of loneliness. Expression is everything, and through true expression there is so much healing that can occur, Thank you so much Rachel for your words of wisdom they have given me so much to reflect upon and heal.
Spot on Toni, we all fell for the same loveless illusion and enjoined society in shutting down, how ridiculous, we felt alone while everyone else was falling for the same lie.
Rachel, thanks so much for documenting your personal realisations of how you gradually stopped being the frolicking, free, expressive, natural child that you started life as. As I read I could just feel the life bursting out of you! The way the world is certainly shuts us up and shuts us down. It is wonderful that this is now recorded so that every last person can also see a pattern of what has happened in their lives and the possibility of re-claiming who they truly are – body and all. You are a real warrior for truth!
Rachel, as I read this article it brought back so much in the way of memories in my own life. And I realised that at times I still hold back what I feel out of fear of it hurting others, or worse them rejecting it and telling me it is not true or correct. I can feel more sadness arising to be healed. Thank you for asking us all to step up and express our natural voice!
A very old pattern of mine too annakaram, holding my expression back out of fear of hurting others, as it would be too much for them to handle…. I have to be so aware every day to not fall back into this old habit as it does not serve me or anyone else I come into contact with.
Well said, I am so glad you are speaking again as it is such a joy to hear what you share. I too was told off when I told the truth as a child – people used to get very angry with me. My father used to hit me on the top of my head, symbolically turning me off in the same way as he did with the alarm clock. I too through the love and support of Serge, Universal Medicine and my many beautiful friends such as you, have also found my voice again and wow what a healing, freedom and expansion that is.
Nicola I am so glad you found your voice again too, it’s so very strong and inspiring to listen to. I too was discouraged from expressing what I felt as a child, parents simply didn’t value my voice and were actually quite threatened by it. I now take great pride in the re emerging of my voice, my true way of being.