by Nicola, Tweed, Australia
I remember as a child being ignored whilst wanting to be loved. At some point I must have decided that attention was love, so I would sometimes be naughty just to get attention. In my teens I went with boys who did not care about me, again substituting attention for love. None of it worked of course, it just made things worse… much worse.
As I got older I became more and more clear that all these things were not love and I didn’t want them anymore. In my 20’s I fell deeply in ‘love’ with a man who I lived with for many months. This man had a big charisma but really was a very empty and manipulative person, and my better sense told me to leave him. I felt ‘heartbroken’ leaving him; at the same time I observed a series of thoughts within myself that exposed to me that what I had felt for this man (which was my biggest experience of love to date) was clearly not love. The whole thing was very intense and traumatic – it took quite some time for me to get over.
I also started to develop a bit of an allergic reaction to the word ‘love’ and the untrue way it was used.
At different times in my life I investigated people and places who claimed to know the answer, but sooner or later realised that either what they were teaching was b…s*!# – or that even if it all sounded good, they themselves did not feel or sound good, and therefore I did not want what they had.
Somewhere along the way I met and married the most gorgeous man, who funnily enough had very similar experiences to mine. Whilst we loved each other the most we could in the emotional way the world uses that word, we both still had that absence and lack of joy within ourselves – so did not have true love to share with the other.
Eventually I got to the point where I knew that I didn’t know what love was. I knew that whilst my life was very successful on the outside there was something missing. I also knew that even though I didn’t know, everyone else I came across knew even less – many of them didn’t even know that they didn’t know!
What I didn’t realise at the time was that I must have always known what love was, or I wouldn’t have known what it was not.
In 2003, my health deteriorated and a confluence of circumstances had me booking an appointment with Serge Benhayon. I was not particularly interested in seeing him, because I had given up on having sessions – but I felt the impulse and went anyway.
In my first session with Serge I had a HUGE healing. I could feel that he really understood me and everything I was saying in a way I had never experienced before. I could also feel that there was absolutely no imposition, judgment, opinion, desired outcome or any other form of interference coming from Serge – in fact he seemed to be very ordinary, but there was something about his quality of presence that in reflection allowed me to connect much more deeply to myself.
I did not consciously know it at that time, but this was my first experience of true love, and the beginning of the most amazing journey of true healing.
I did not ‘get it all’ in that one session. It has been, and continues to be, a gradual unfolding and process of experimenting and feeling for myself what is love and what is not love. I have experienced the incredibly healing nature of true love, and also how harmful the false love is.
There have been many, many ouch moments because it is very confronting to see the insidious ways I have been fooled by emotions masquerading as love. However, there have also been many ‘yum’ moments because it is so gorgeous and freeing to let go of these misguided beliefs.
My husband and I have been sharing this whole experience together. The more we learn to allow love in ourselves, the more we are able to share love with each other and everyone else. It is a truly joyful, simple and harmonious way of being that seems to just keep expanding without any limit in sight.
Yes, there is a four letter word L-O-V-E, but true love is so very much more than a word.