by Joel L (Australia)
In the last article – The Six Stages of ‘Becoming Me’ (so far anyway): Part 1 – I was exploring the first three stages of the process of ‘becoming me’. This next article explores stages four to six and flows on from that…
4) Realising that my intention affected everything:
So things were changing – I was taking more responsibility for my life. My energy levels were picking up, I was needing less sleep but becoming more productive, the quality of my relationships was improving. So I must have been about ‘there’, right? Wrong….
While most other modalities I have gone to in the past offered to ‘help me’, the esoteric modalities got to a point where their benefits were limited by my own willingness or unwillingness to be responsible for my own healing.
I still went to different practitioners, but the benefits I received from each treatment were in direct relationship with what I was going to the practitioner for in the first place. For example: if I was going to have my life choices ‘cleaned up’, the treatment was less effective, but if I was going to ‘build a body of love’, then each session would be as amazing as I allowed it to be.
So I realised that my intention affected my level of healing (and everything else)… If I wanted someone to fix me, I got momentary relief: if I wanted to more fully connect to myself, to learn to live as me, then I got just that.
5) Realising that no workshop, book or other person makes my choices:
This was a confronting phase: I spent lots of time here being frustrated at how hard the world was making it for me to be me… yes, I was blaming others!
Surely if I was doing all this work, building all this awareness, it should be getting easier… Yes, I was wanting a reward, and to a degree wanting an excuse to give up.
In truth, life was getting easier, but I was more committed to finding something to fix – and to believing that I was not the one able to fix it.
Whenever I connected to me, the message was ‘you are enough’, but despite that, I would keep looking for the noise outside that place of connection.
I was convinced that everyone who was saying ‘it’s inside you’, was wrong. I was convinced that if I could get my wife, my kids, and the world around me to be more loving, I could then be love.
Eventually I had nowhere else to turn but to the humble reality that it did all come back to me…
6) Becoming a student of myself:
One day I stopped fighting, stopped looking outside myself. I wish I could say this occurred by a parting of the clouds and a bright light, but it didn’t.
This change came about by a willingness to take responsibility for the frustration, the desire to give up and any other emotion. Eventually, by taking responsibility for what I was feeling, there was not as much emotion in the way and what was left was… me.
The learning about taking energetic responsibility continues: it’s not something I expect to get right all the time but I live with me, the real me, more than at any other time in my life. There are still choices to be made every day – like what to eat, work to be done, kids to be looked after, and chores to be completed. I beat myself up less for my choices (past and present) and I feel more vitality than ever before, but I know I am far from the end.
In most stories this is the moment of epiphany…. but not in this case. The epiphany occurred back at stage two with Universal Medicine’s invitation to consider that while some people might be energetically aware, we are not all energetically discerning.
Love is not looking for a happy ending, it just wants me to be me (the real me)… more and more every day.
If this is what love might be, I can’t wait for the next step.