For the last 34 years I have been in a relationship with the same man. Our first two years together were quite harmonious and supportive… but then we got married. Once the contract was signed everything changed, and we started to live out the roles and expectations we had learnt from our individual perceptions and experiences. I became the responsible wife who organised our lives and he became the provider, even though we both worked full-time.
The playing of these roles was further reinforced when we became parents. Over time, and with the birth of seven (7) children, a wedge developed between us. From my perspective, I never truly felt supported and deeply resented that I was left to carry out most of the parenting and domestic organisation. From my husband’s perspective, he felt I should be grateful that he earned a reasonable living and did some jobs around the house.
My resentment resulted in my blaming my husband for his lack of support and withdrawing myself from him. In reaction to my rejection, he was either aggressive or totally withdrawn from the family. So a cycle developed with each of us protecting our hurts, which resulted in more hurt for ourselves and our children.
Just over three years ago, with some health issues presenting, I started seeing some Esoteric Practitioners and attending workshops presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. In this period, I began to address how I invested in my role as a mother, and how I was the one who was not truly supporting me.
Slowly I began to take better care of myself, and essentially became more aware of my pattern of blaming another to avoid feeling my own hurts. In the beginning, my husband found some of my self-loving choices hard to deal with and wanted me to stop attending Universal Medicine. This was definitely not helped by my judgment of his choices.
In the last year, the relationship has been less tense, but still there was no true commitment to develop true responsibility in the relationship. From my perspective, this was because I felt my husband was not willing to step up to what it meant to have a truly loving relationship (judgment and blame again). So I decided that I needed to end the relationship, which saw my husband reluctantly agreeing to move out.
This presented a level of sadness that surprised me. I discovered that I felt devastated that he appeared not willing to do whatever it took to address the wedge that had been created 30 years earlier.
With a new place rented, all the necessary purchases made, and one week to go before the separation, I had the amazing opportunity to speak to Serge Benhayon at a workshop. In this simple interaction, I got to feel how I was the one not opening to being truly loved, and the true responsibility I held as a woman.
I came to feel that I truly loved my husband and that I was not truly opening to love due to not wanting to be hurt anymore. This had resulted in my husband feeling rejected by me in spite of all the changes I had made within myself.
After a deeply honest conversation with my husband, we decided to commit to developing our relationship, so he did not move out.
Each day since is offering me another opportunity to be more responsible for my choice to not close down to love in the face of the hurts that present. This is not always easy, as sometimes I want to avoid feeling the hurt and go back into my pattern of blame. There are even times when the old way of being seems like it will never truly change and the thought of separation feels like a welcome escape. When this presents I know I am in resistance, and that there is more hurt to be felt – which I know is my way forward to enable me to develop more love in our relationship.
In the end, I understand there are no guarantees as each of us needs to commit to our own responsibility to ourselves first, which then extends to the relationship.
I can honestly say that without speaking to Serge, my husband and I would have separated, as I did not want to take responsibility for my own choice to not be open to love. I understand that my commitment to the embracing of all that Serge presented allowed me to be truly honest about where I was in my relationship.
What was preventing me connecting to the truth that I truly loved my husband, was the hurt and resentment of the expectations and roles round-about we had bought into and lived.
With a deeper awareness of true responsibility, I feel committed to claiming a deeper love within myself and sharing this with my husband, family and everyone I come into contact with. I cannot express enough the deep appreciation for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine’s continuous reminder – that life is about love.
by Sharon, Brisbane, Australia
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
‘Each of us need to commit to our own responsibility to ourselves first, which then extends to the relationship’ – what a statement! This clearly makes me realise that it is our individual responsibility that makes others live responsibly too.
There is no victim when we take responsibility of how we play the game out too. It is beautiful how things play out when we truly connect to life and the playground we live in. Life is an experiment, everything is an offering of evolution for the purpose of growth, it is that simple if we allow it to be.
“In the end, I understand there are no guarantees as each of us needs to commit to our own responsibility to ourselves first, which then extends to the relationship.” If we make the issue all about the other then separation is certain. Take responsibility for ourselves and then we can deal with our part that led us to feel hurt, we then don’t blame the other.
Wow Leigh your comment just confirmed to me a current situation playing out, that I need to take responsibility for. Its not always about the other person, it has to begin with me first – ouch of a realisation.
Sharon what you have shared in full honesty is a classic scenario that so many of us can relate to in terms of relationship issues – the kind where we fall into a role and play that role, and then place expectations on ourselves and our loved ones. This instantly caps us and does not allow for growth. This leaves me to consider all the ways (big or small, subtle or less subtle) that I might be doing this too.
It is easy to want to blame another for their choices or behaviours rather than looking at our part to play in each situation. However, it is the most refreshing and growth-offering experience to stop the blame and then see what lies underneath this in terms of hurts that we can hold ourselves lovingly with and allow the space to heal.
Sharon, thank you for this amazing sharing – a sharing that speaks volumes as there is the willingness to bare it all, and be honest in what you were and are feeling. You do not say that everything is rosy but you share how a real relationship asks for a real approach and one that holds an open heart. A true inspiration for any couple and any relationship.
This scenario is very common in a lot of relationships, and can easily lead to divorce, ‘My resentment resulted in my blaming my husband for his lack of support and withdrawing myself from him. In reaction to my rejection, he was either aggressive or totally withdrawn from the family. So a cycle developed with each of us protecting our hurts, which resulted in more hurt for ourselves and our children.’
Sharon thank you, it’s so touching reading this again, it offers a lot of insight and potential for growth for the reader. For something so important we are given so little understanding of relationships. Like yourself I’ve learnt a lot since studying with Universal Medicine and responsibility for self and seeking support to understand and heal deeper issues and hurts are so important in all kinds of relationships. I could also relate to this line particularly in friendships “I began to address how I invested in my role as a mother, and how I was the one who was not truly supporting me.” That is gold, thank you.
It’s a real stop moment reading your blog, how much do we circulate tales of blame and being a victim in relationships, your story instead highlights the power in taking responsibility for ourselves, and that love is waiting to enter every situation if we allow it in.
I love what you share about it being our responsibility to not close down to love because we have been hurt, ‘I came to feel that I truly loved my husband and that I was not truly opening to love due to not wanting to be hurt anymore. This had resulted in my husband feeling rejected by me in spite of all the changes I had made within myself.’
How great when our patterns get exposed, and we become more aware of what is truly going on, ‘Slowly I began to take better care of myself, and essentially became more aware of my pattern of blaming another to avoid feeling my own hurts.’
Expectations are a killer, I know when I put expectations on anyone I am close to it can completely take the natural magic away.
Magic happens when we open up to the innate Love from our essence and as you have shared Sharon we can all deepen in the expression of that Love then others feel that reflection and can simply join us on this magical journey we call life as your amazing husband has.
When anyone chooses to deepen their own relationship with love, the world and everyone in it is the winner.
Great to hear how your love for each other as well as yourselves has deepened and you can enjoy the changes in your relationship. Serge helped me take responsibility for how I was with my family as well, in just saying a few words I realised something and from that point, slowly started to contact my family again and heal the rift I had caused between us. My relationship with them has never been stronger and more loving than it is now.
So True Vicky, when we express Lovingly anything becomes possible, and in the process we are aligning our bodies to heal those resistances we have held about family.
“Once the contract was signed everything changed, and we started to live out the roles and expectations we had learnt from our individual perceptions and experiences”. I often hear people say that things can become stale once they marry. You could put this down too just settling into a routine or time spent with each other but I can also see there are so many stereotypes, expectations and beliefs that we take on ‘being married’ that can peg us into a hole and not allow the marriage to keep flourishing and growing.
Yes, living from pictures instead of from our innate love and wisdom.
It is so so easy to go into blame and look at what another has done before we look at ourselves. Problem is when we do this no one truly wins and we all miss out.
Endeavouring to fulfill and conform to roles and expectations that are not ours but those of society never lead to truth, only to living lies and in lies there is no love.
Every relationship is a lesson, we choose what to do with that lesson – are we going to grow from it or contract, make a drama and muddle up the teaching just so we don’t have to change our ways.
“My resentment resulted in my blaming my husband for his lack of support and withdrawing myself from him. In reaction to my rejection, he was either aggressive or totally withdrawn from the family.” I have experienced this and am sure its quite common in long term relationships. Having expectations and pictures are a killer in any relationship and can lead to (maybe self-inflicted but non-intended ) unhappiness.
I know I have read this before but I feel so pleased to be able to read it again today. As you share, you could so easily have lived a different life, you could have walked away and never had the opportunity to see what a commitment to a deeper relationship looks or feels like. It may still not work but without a willingness to even consider there may be more available within a relationship we close our heart to ourselves and all others.
Great points Lucy which leads me to wonder – how often do we walk away from an opportunity to grow and evolve and instead choose our old ways that keep us ingrained? What will it take for us to finally face up to those fears and hurts that we harbour within and know that we actually hold an enormous love deeper inside that simply is waiting for us to connect to?
I love this part, and it is so beautifully written, when you talk about separation being thought of as a welcome relief, and how this situation comes about for you, through blame. And I too have seen and experienced how blame is such a strong driving force when it gets in the way of allowing and accepting love between people. It tears apart connections and, in my view, it de-humanises the other person because it sees only their behaviour today and does not take in to account all of their love and sweetness and the many many challenges and hurts that they have experienced which have caused those qualities to become temporarily hidden. Blame is an expression of judgement, and as such it is devastatingly insidious.
Blame dehumanises – so true Shami. A behaviour on a certain day doesn’t equate with who a person is in essence.
Being resent-ed does not rhyme well with being present. With resentment is the past that moves us. We move in the past; never in the present. In that way, we ensure that our body is totally locked in a highly emotional state while we move.
Thank you Sharon, what I am feeling after reading your story is how easy we can get trapped into cycles of hurts, and the enormous stop that happens when we can open to and surrender to love. Allowing others to support us can also be so helpful as the deeper we go into hurts and reactions the more we may need an outside perspective. What I was appreciating was your ability to stay committed to learning, and to being honest and open to how to truly connect to your partner through love.
And current hurts are often a throwback to our unhealed hurts from childhood. “Allowing others to support us” – be they in a professional capacity or a good listening friend – we all want to be heard, to be met for who we truly are. Serge Benhayon is a beautiful example of this.
Love your words here too Melinda – surrendering deeper to love is the key, and always being open to truth and the opportunities being presented for growth.
We are human beings seem to have an endless list of things to do “to avoid feeling the hurt”, but all that happens is that the hurt is buried deeper and deeper. But, from my experience, there will come a time when the hurt, which has probably been sitting there festering, will explode out of us usually at the most inappropriate time and often at someone who has nothing to do with what we have buried. Taking responsibility for our every behaviour and every choice does away with the blame game and is much more gentle on our body and being.
Beautifully expressed Elizabeth. Making life about love is it exactly.
“What was preventing me connecting to the truth that I truly loved my husband, was the hurt and resentment of the expectations and roles round-about what we had bought into and lived.” I too had expectations that weren’t communicated, so we did end up separating. Knowing what I know now this could have been prevented. A learning that has served me well since that time.
Life, an particularly one that we construct to be busy, can mean we keep our nose in the air to not address what is staring us squarely in the face. How much do we do that could have been prevented and how glorious that we are living in a world that constantly offers another opportunity to re-imprint.
When we work and focus only on ourselves, to build more love in the body and heal our hurts and emptinesses, in the end every relationship will change, even if the other won’t do a thing.
‘I can honestly say that without speaking to Serge, my husband and I would have separated, as I did not want to take responsibility for my own choice to not be open to love.’ This is so beautifully honest and a beautiful turn around in your marriage. This is also a testament to the wisdom of Serge Benhayon, who brings so much understanding to so many.
It is great that you have found a way to stay together and to deepen your relationship. That is not easy but very worthwhile.
It seems the most avoided ever thing on this planet is true responsibility. And second to that is honesty.
True responsibility can not be lived unless we are willing to go from absolute honesty first.
Loved reading this blog today. I can see how important it is to look at our own expectations of others when we feel hurt. When I do this I gain new insight into my hurts and have more understanding for why the situation that is presenting has occurred.
We can carry around our own stories of how we think life should be and feel hurt when those things don’t play out, and the other person may have no idea about these expectations whatsoever.
Yes, I can really see this is important. The hurt is a trigger and opportunity for greater self-awareness. This is never a negative but always an opportunity for us to take or not.
So true. If we are willing to look at ourselves first when are triggered we are always being offered an opportunity to learn. If we embrace the learning it can initially be somewhat scary as one never knows what the outcome can be. However, with practice trust grows and life becomes increasingly flowing and harmonious and the expectations drop away.
Blaming is a very distinct pattern of movement that refuses to move forward. It is going in circles around a hurt that has engulfed us and is all the time trying to pull the blamed one into that inferno. It is a way of confirming the worst we have said yes to.
So true Eduardo – Blame can feel like a relief at times but it is always accompanied by an uneasy feeling that intensifies the longer we hang on to it. When we take responsibility for our part in life we empower ourselves.
Wow Sharon, thank you for sharing your amazing journey. It is very supportive for me to read your blog as I can see similarities in what you’ve experienced playing out in my life. I realise I am holding onto some hurts which leads to resentment and closing down of my heart which is stopping me from being love and being who I am in full.
It is fascinating how good we are at convincing ourselves of what we think is the situation. And yet – one moment of truth totally changes this and allows us to take a step back and see the whole picture. That is what Serge Benhayon constantly offers – the opportunity to see things not out of hurt or blame or reaction, but from simply observing.
It’s a great comment HM, thank you. I know that my hurts, beliefs and ideals can lead me to have perceptions about things that aren’t true, but seem true to me, and observation is the clarity of the innermost heart receiving life exactly as it is. Serge is an amazing observer and very inspirational in that sense, and as a result he is able to bring through words of clarity, love and wisdom to support others to truly heal.
And his ability to help us take that step back to get a different perspective is legendary.
If we are not willing to truly nurture and support ourselves to the fullest, then how can we accept that same amount of love and care from another in our relationships? When you throw in to the mix all the pictures of what we think marriage should or could be and look like, then of course we are destined for disappointment and set ourselves up to then blame others for not living up to our expectations. This is a cycle that can only be broken when we approach life in a different way, as Sharon has demonstrated with her taking responsibility for her own part in her marriage’s difficulties.
I agree and also when are we truly married though? Is it when we have a piece of paper or is it earlier? From experience it can be well before the ‘I do’s’ that there is a bound called marriage there. If we take life on how it looks then we will always set ourselves up to be blind well before anything actually physically happens. Like we are saying there is a marriage before an official marriage so to do things ‘happen’ well before they officially happen.
Yes that old chestnut as they say and it is old, all is energy before it is matter. I think it was also taught to me at school in science. Funny how it is or how we are in that we can say this but the reality of the way we live is far far different. I can put my hand up there with this in that I can certainly say this and then bring this level of care in somethings and then in others almost dismiss it. All is the all no matter the heading and this is a thing I am slowly growing back into.
There are many points to love about this article including, “and how I was the one who was not truly supporting me.” We can look into most corners of our life for the reason why things are like they are or not like the way we feel they should be and when truly look you see that it always comes back to ‘our’ relationship with how we are with everything.
Hurts come to the surface. Do we harden our body in protection and shut down or do we feel them? In feeling them we remain open and can read what is truly going on within ourselves and within another. If we shut down we cannot feel, we may even say things in our reaction and live in a way that is dishonouring of who we are. Taking responsibility and feeling our hurts is uncomfortable but in each moment we take what is on offer and feel we give ourselves the love to carry us through to the next moment.
I come to this article often and each time I read it I rejoice in the choice to communicate with humble understanding and acceptance that is shared here as it is the deepest of blessings, for one and all.
So True Leigh, a deep,humble,appreciativeness comes through what Sharon has shared as there is always more of our Loving essence to reconnect to.
Holding back from love in order to protect oneself from further hurt is such a false and ironic form of protection as the result is that in reality it actually keeps one away from the one thing we all desperately crave, love.
Facing and dealing with our unresolved hurts is the greatest medicine we can give ourselves and the ‘sugar’ that ‘helps the medicine go down’ is the knowing that if we truly commit to do this we are re-connecting to our Soul.
I agree and we are simply walking back through all we have created that isn’t true. So it’s not unchartered territory or unknown etc it’s actually all known and a return to how we truly are. We perceive we are walking forward or back when in actually fact all is coming to us, cycling around back to us and from there the quality we choose to be in that will either repeat or heal these cycles.
Reaction is the ultimate irresponsibility. It senses a lack of love then heads for the exit door of emotion. Our job here is to reflect the truth to our brothers who have drifted off. If we don’t bring the love to these moments then who will? We’ll all be lost. Thank you for this heartfelt sharing Sharon.
It certainly is Joseph, very well said. I find I can go into reaction quicker than I can think because the way I have previous been moving and living was already in the energy of reaction.
Beautiful Sharon, what a difference loving and true wisdom can offer to our understanding of our relationships.
Yes and be open to receiving wisdom and expressing love.
Sharon I love how honest you have been with yourself, and acknowledged your own part in the relationship, it is hard sometimes to admit that we may not have been as open to love, and I love how you now have a different relationship with your husband and have the opportunity to re-imprint your marriage.
This is a beautiful story, Sharon, and a great reminder that when we close down or sever connection to a person in the face of a possibility of being hurt (again), we are closing down on love and hurt ourselves even more. It is truly amazing that you and your husband jointly decided to choose responsibility over blame.
‘What was preventing me connecting to the truth that I truly loved my husband, was the hurt and resentment of the expectations and roles round-about we had bought into and lived.’ How insidious and pernicious the hold is when we buy into pictures, ideals and beliefs. Until we can take a step back to observe them they can be all consuming and damaging. How gorgeous therefore that you have been able to get to a place where observation is now a part of your everyday and combined with your honest self-reflection much healing has occurred.
How very humbling Sharon. And whilst being humbled is not always easy to accept, it does open us up to greater innocence and more loving-ness – with ourselves and with others. I am now in a relationship where, if there are issues, we take a look at ourselves first, rather than each other – and this is a very beautiful way to live.
What a story and I know I have read this before but the message is louder today. That no matter what you are faced with ‘be love’. It’s not that things aren’t bad or aren’t someone else fault etc etc it’s about how you are in the face of these things, are you standing in them or are you reacting and running the other way. I can see relationships like this one are actually a blessing for us if we choose it and that no matter where things are at there is always a choice for us to ‘be love’ as it is an ever expanding way to be.
Sometimes and briefly, to run and escape when a hurt is presented does feel like an option! The reflection can feel overwhelming and all consuming. Giving myself space to feel my body and let go is everything in that moment to support me to change my movements and be love.
With respect and not to over simplify things, everything is a choice. Whether is hard, easy, complicated, simple it all comes back to the choices we make at any moment that allows our next movement. From that point the reflection to us will give us the quality of that movement. We have many perceptions around how life is and how things are and these perceptions are a result of a choice upon many choices that then create a momentum of that choice that will either make things appear difficult or seemingly “all consuming” or not.
What an epic tale of self- responsibility and love. When you talked about the challenge of facing your hurts, I really related, sometimes I feel so much old hurt, I just want it to stop and at that moment I understand the appeal to drinking. I am so grateful that
A. I do not drink to avoid feeling anymore
B. That I have been able to meet a man like Serge Benhayon in my lifetime.
I remember I heard someone say once that life never gives you anything that you are not capable of and that means you are a pretty powerful woman, considering you opted for 7 children.
Wow Sharron, massive. We can so easily be taken by what suits our need to not evolve and be more love. Fantastic example that many of us play ball with.
Each time I read this article, I am in awe of the level of healing that is available to us all- by simply feeling our hurts, but choosing to no longer live from them. This is a very powerful example of doing just that.
I’m always touched when someone shows they have the ability to back down, to be open to a different view point or appraoch… especially when that opens up a pathway to love and life.
Thank you Sharon for the reminder that before we look to blame others for anything we have to take a deep and honest look at ourselves.
Thank you Sharon, for this very open and honest sharing of your relationship and amazing transformation. It is clear to see just how damaging it is to live from pictures and ideals, in that it confines us and dictates that we must to live up to an expectation, instead of us living who we are and allow love to be what guides us to learn, grow and deepen our connection.
The expectation game is so crippling when we choose to push these ideals on ourselves or others.
Thank you Sharon. A beautiful and honest account of how broader awareness can be brought to the relationships we have.
Sharon you really expose how the roles we take on in life become part of us, so much so that we can’t see past them and how much they affect our relationships.Thank you for sharing I feel many will be able to relate to the slow demise and erosion of what starts out to be a loving caring supportive marriage, but through our choice to feel hurt and react we shut ourselves off to love and then blame the other person. A great reminder to always look at the part we play and that blaming does not allow us to seek truth.
This is so true from all angles of life. As soon as we hit on the beliefs and ideas buttons we are saying ye to a roller coaster ride of doubts and confusion.
This is great Sharon , truly you have taken the loving way out of the old relationship just wonderful .
The simple act of taking responsibility for ourselves and making decency and respect a non negotiable in our relationships (especially in our relationship with ourselves) can turn relationships around in miraculous ways.