Inspired by Serge Benhayon: From Marriage Breakdown to True Responsibility

For the last 34 years I have been in a relationship with the same man. Our first two years together were quite harmonious and supportive… but then we got married. Once the contract was signed everything changed, and we started to live out the roles and expectations we had learnt from our individual perceptions and experiences. I became the responsible wife who organised our lives and he became the provider, even though we both worked full-time.

The playing of these roles was further reinforced when we became parents. Over time, and with the birth of seven (7) children, a wedge developed between us. From my perspective, I never truly felt supported and deeply resented that I was left to carry out most of the parenting and domestic organisation. From my husband’s perspective, he felt I should be grateful that he earned a reasonable living and did some jobs around the house.

My resentment resulted in my blaming my husband for his lack of support and withdrawing myself from him. In reaction to my rejection, he was either aggressive or totally withdrawn from the family. So a cycle developed with each of us protecting our hurts, which resulted in more hurt for ourselves and our children.

Just over three years ago, with some health issues presenting, I started seeing some Esoteric Practitioners and attending workshops presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. In this period, I began to address how I invested in my role as a mother, and how I was the one who was not truly supporting me.

Slowly I began to take better care of myself, and essentially became more aware of my pattern of blaming another to avoid feeling my own hurts. In the beginning, my husband found some of my self-loving choices hard to deal with and wanted me to stop attending Universal Medicine. This was definitely not helped by my judgment of his choices.

In the last year, the relationship has been less tense, but still there was no true commitment to develop true responsibility in the relationship. From my perspective, this was because I felt my husband was not willing to step up to what it meant to have a truly loving relationship (judgment and blame again). So I decided that I needed to end the relationship, which saw my husband reluctantly agreeing to move out.

This presented a level of sadness that surprised me. I discovered that I felt devastated that he appeared not willing to do whatever it took to address the wedge that had been created 30 years earlier.

With a new place rented, all the necessary purchases made, and one week to go before the separation, I had the amazing opportunity to speak to Serge Benhayon at a workshop. In this simple interaction, I got to feel how I was the one not opening to being truly loved, and the true responsibility I held as a woman.

I came to feel that I truly loved my husband and that I was not truly opening to love due to not wanting to be hurt anymore. This had resulted in my husband feeling rejected by me in spite of all the changes I had made within myself.

After a deeply honest conversation with my husband, we decided to commit to developing our relationship, so he did not move out.

Each day since is offering me another opportunity to be more responsible for my choice to not close down to love in the face of the hurts that present. This is not always easy, as sometimes I want to avoid feeling the hurt and go back into my pattern of blame. There are even times when the old way of being seems like it will never truly change and the thought of separation feels like a welcome escape. When this presents I know I am in resistance, and that there is more hurt to be felt – which I know is my way forward to enable me to develop more love in our relationship.

In the end, I understand there are no guarantees as each of us needs to commit to our own responsibility to ourselves first, which then extends to the relationship.

I can honestly say that without speaking to Serge, my husband and I would have separated, as I did not want to take responsibility for my own choice to not be open to love. I understand that my commitment to the embracing of all that Serge presented allowed me to be truly honest about where I was in my relationship.

What was preventing me connecting to the truth that I truly loved my husband, was the hurt and resentment of the expectations and roles round-about we had bought into and lived.

With a deeper awareness of true responsibility, I feel committed to claiming a deeper love within myself and sharing this with my husband, family and everyone I come into contact with. I cannot express enough the deep appreciation for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine’s continuous reminder – that life is about love. 

by Sharon, Brisbane, Australia

291 thoughts on “Inspired by Serge Benhayon: From Marriage Breakdown to True Responsibility

  1. I love this part, and it is so beautifully written, when you talk about separation being thought of as a welcome relief, and how this situation comes about for you, through blame. And I too have seen and experienced how blame is such a strong driving force when it gets in the way of allowing and accepting love between people. It tears apart connections and, in my view, it de-humanises the other person because it sees only their behaviour today and does not take in to account all of their love and sweetness and the many many challenges and hurts that they have experienced which have caused those qualities to become temporarily hidden. Blame is an expression of judgement, and as such it is devastatingly insidious.

  2. Being resent-ed does not rhyme well with being present. With resentment is the past that moves us. We move in the past; never in the present. In that way, we ensure that our body is totally locked in a highly emotional state while we move.

  3. Thank you Sharon, what I am feeling after reading your story is how easy we can get trapped into cycles of hurts, and the enormous stop that happens when we can open to and surrender to love. Allowing others to support us can also be so helpful as the deeper we go into hurts and reactions the more we may need an outside perspective. What I was appreciating was your ability to stay committed to learning, and to being honest and open to how to truly connect to your partner through love.

  4. We are human beings seem to have an endless list of things to do “to avoid feeling the hurt”, but all that happens is that the hurt is buried deeper and deeper. But, from my experience, there will come a time when the hurt, which has probably been sitting there festering, will explode out of us usually at the most inappropriate time and often at someone who has nothing to do with what we have buried. Taking responsibility for our every behaviour and every choice does away with the blame game and is much more gentle on our body and being.

  5. “What was preventing me connecting to the truth that I truly loved my husband, was the hurt and resentment of the expectations and roles round-about what we had bought into and lived.” I too had expectations that weren’t communicated, so we did end up separating. Knowing what I know now this could have been prevented. A learning that has served me well since that time.

  6. When we work and focus only on ourselves, to build more love in the body and heal our hurts and emptinesses, in the end every relationship will change, even if the other won’t do a thing.

  7. ‘I can honestly say that without speaking to Serge, my husband and I would have separated, as I did not want to take responsibility for my own choice to not be open to love.’ This is so beautifully honest and a beautiful turn around in your marriage. This is also a testament to the wisdom of Serge Benhayon, who brings so much understanding to so many.

  8. Sharon, thank you for your open and honest sharing I have learned much about vulnerability from reading it. When we come to the understanding that life is about love, we commence our return journey to God the love we come from.

  9. It is great that you have found a way to stay together and to deepen your relationship. That is not easy but very worthwhile.

  10. Loved reading this blog today. I can see how important it is to look at our own expectations of others when we feel hurt. When I do this I gain new insight into my hurts and have more understanding for why the situation that is presenting has occurred.

    1. We can carry around our own stories of how we think life should be and feel hurt when those things don’t play out, and the other person may have no idea about these expectations whatsoever.

  11. Sharon I feel what you describe here is what many relationships and marriages go through, the honey moon period and then going into old patterns and habits to stop the relationship from evolving. I can relate to blame and seeing others faults without fully looking at my own, and the tension this causes. It is only when we stop blaming and start communicating that we can begin to undo all the old patterns and hurts that have laced the relationship.

  12. Blaming is a very distinct pattern of movement that refuses to move forward. It is going in circles around a hurt that has engulfed us and is all the time trying to pull the blamed one into that inferno. It is a way of confirming the worst we have said yes to.

    1. So true Eduardo – Blame can feel like a relief at times but it is always accompanied by an uneasy feeling that intensifies the longer we hang on to it. When we take responsibility for our part in life we empower ourselves.

  13. Wow Sharon, thank you for sharing your amazing journey. It is very supportive for me to read your blog as I can see similarities in what you’ve experienced playing out in my life. I realise I am holding onto some hurts which leads to resentment and closing down of my heart which is stopping me from being love and being who I am in full.

  14. It is fascinating how good we are at convincing ourselves of what we think is the situation. And yet – one moment of truth totally changes this and allows us to take a step back and see the whole picture. That is what Serge Benhayon constantly offers – the opportunity to see things not out of hurt or blame or reaction, but from simply observing.

    1. It’s a great comment HM, thank you. I know that my hurts, beliefs and ideals can lead me to have perceptions about things that aren’t true, but seem true to me, and observation is the clarity of the innermost heart receiving life exactly as it is. Serge is an amazing observer and very inspirational in that sense, and as a result he is able to bring through words of clarity, love and wisdom to support others to truly heal.

  15. If we are not willing to truly nurture and support ourselves to the fullest, then how can we accept that same amount of love and care from another in our relationships? When you throw in to the mix all the pictures of what we think marriage should or could be and look like, then of course we are destined for disappointment and set ourselves up to then blame others for not living up to our expectations. This is a cycle that can only be broken when we approach life in a different way, as Sharon has demonstrated with her taking responsibility for her own part in her marriage’s difficulties.

  16. There are many points to love about this article including, “and how I was the one who was not truly supporting me.” We can look into most corners of our life for the reason why things are like they are or not like the way we feel they should be and when truly look you see that it always comes back to ‘our’ relationship with how we are with everything.

  17. Hurts come to the surface. Do we harden our body in protection and shut down or do we feel them? In feeling them we remain open and can read what is truly going on within ourselves and within another. If we shut down we cannot feel, we may even say things in our reaction and live in a way that is dishonouring of who we are. Taking responsibility and feeling our hurts is uncomfortable but in each moment we take what is on offer and feel we give ourselves the love to carry us through to the next moment.

  18. I come to this article often and each time I read it I rejoice in the choice to communicate with humble understanding and acceptance that is shared here as it is the deepest of blessings, for one and all.

  19. Holding back from love in order to protect oneself from further hurt is such a false and ironic form of protection as the result is that in reality it actually keeps one away from the one thing we all desperately crave, love.

  20. Facing and dealing with our unresolved hurts is the greatest medicine we can give ourselves and the ‘sugar’ that ‘helps the medicine go down’ is the knowing that if we truly commit to do this we are re-connecting to our Soul.

    1. I agree and we are simply walking back through all we have created that isn’t true. So it’s not unchartered territory or unknown etc it’s actually all known and a return to how we truly are. We perceive we are walking forward or back when in actually fact all is coming to us, cycling around back to us and from there the quality we choose to be in that will either repeat or heal these cycles.

  21. Reaction is the ultimate irresponsibility. It senses a lack of love then heads for the exit door of emotion. Our job here is to reflect the truth to our brothers who have drifted off. If we don’t bring the love to these moments then who will? We’ll all be lost. Thank you for this heartfelt sharing Sharon.

    1. It certainly is Joseph, very well said. I find I can go into reaction quicker than I can think because the way I have previous been moving and living was already in the energy of reaction.

  22. Sharon I love how honest you have been with yourself, and acknowledged your own part in the relationship, it is hard sometimes to admit that we may not have been as open to love, and I love how you now have a different relationship with your husband and have the opportunity to re-imprint your marriage.

  23. This is a beautiful story, Sharon, and a great reminder that when we close down or sever connection to a person in the face of a possibility of being hurt (again), we are closing down on love and hurt ourselves even more. It is truly amazing that you and your husband jointly decided to choose responsibility over blame.

  24. ‘What was preventing me connecting to the truth that I truly loved my husband, was the hurt and resentment of the expectations and roles round-about we had bought into and lived.’ How insidious and pernicious the hold is when we buy into pictures, ideals and beliefs. Until we can take a step back to observe them they can be all consuming and damaging. How gorgeous therefore that you have been able to get to a place where observation is now a part of your everyday and combined with your honest self-reflection much healing has occurred.

  25. How very humbling Sharon. And whilst being humbled is not always easy to accept, it does open us up to greater innocence and more loving-ness – with ourselves and with others. I am now in a relationship where, if there are issues, we take a look at ourselves first, rather than each other – and this is a very beautiful way to live.

  26. What a story and I know I have read this before but the message is louder today. That no matter what you are faced with ‘be love’. It’s not that things aren’t bad or aren’t someone else fault etc etc it’s about how you are in the face of these things, are you standing in them or are you reacting and running the other way. I can see relationships like this one are actually a blessing for us if we choose it and that no matter where things are at there is always a choice for us to ‘be love’ as it is an ever expanding way to be.

    1. Sometimes and briefly, to run and escape when a hurt is presented does feel like an option! The reflection can feel overwhelming and all consuming. Giving myself space to feel my body and let go is everything in that moment to support me to change my movements and be love.

      1. With respect and not to over simplify things, everything is a choice. Whether is hard, easy, complicated, simple it all comes back to the choices we make at any moment that allows our next movement. From that point the reflection to us will give us the quality of that movement. We have many perceptions around how life is and how things are and these perceptions are a result of a choice upon many choices that then create a momentum of that choice that will either make things appear difficult or seemingly “all consuming” or not.

  27. What an epic tale of self- responsibility and love. When you talked about the challenge of facing your hurts, I really related, sometimes I feel so much old hurt, I just want it to stop and at that moment I understand the appeal to drinking. I am so grateful that
    A. I do not drink to avoid feeling anymore
    B. That I have been able to meet a man like Serge Benhayon in my lifetime.

    I remember I heard someone say once that life never gives you anything that you are not capable of and that means you are a pretty powerful woman, considering you opted for 7 children.

  28. Wow Sharron, massive. We can so easily be taken by what suits our need to not evolve and be more love. Fantastic example that many of us play ball with.

  29. Each time I read this article, I am in awe of the level of healing that is available to us all- by simply feeling our hurts, but choosing to no longer live from them. This is a very powerful example of doing just that.

  30. It is sadly the case with so many relationships that when you get married everything changes and I like how you link this to held ideals and beliefs of that institution entering the relationship and twisting it from the harmonious one it previously was. Gradually unpicking all those ideals and beliefs is a key part in us coming to know ourselves in full.

    1. I agree and also when are we truly married though? Is it when we have a piece of paper or is it earlier? From experience it can be well before the ‘I do’s’ that there is a bound called marriage there. If we take life on how it looks then we will always set ourselves up to be blind well before anything actually physically happens. Like we are saying there is a marriage before an official marriage so to do things ‘happen’ well before they officially happen.

      1. I think you are nailing it Ray. As Serge Benhayon has shared, there is an energy behind everything, so everything exists first in energy before it exists physically. Because we cannot see it we ignore it, but science knows this to be true from the experiments that show that the heart reacts much much faster than the brain. So the heart knows before anything is registered by the brain.

      2. Yes that old chestnut as they say and it is old, all is energy before it is matter. I think it was also taught to me at school in science. Funny how it is or how we are in that we can say this but the reality of the way we live is far far different. I can put my hand up there with this in that I can certainly say this and then bring this level of care in somethings and then in others almost dismiss it. All is the all no matter the heading and this is a thing I am slowly growing back into.

  31. Thank you Sharon for the reminder that before we look to blame others for anything we have to take a deep and honest look at ourselves.

  32. Thank you Sharon, for this very open and honest sharing of your relationship and amazing transformation. It is clear to see just how damaging it is to live from pictures and ideals, in that it confines us and dictates that we must to live up to an expectation, instead of us living who we are and allow love to be what guides us to learn, grow and deepen our connection.

  33. Thank you Sharon. A beautiful and honest account of how broader awareness can be brought to the relationships we have.

  34. Sharon you really expose how the roles we take on in life become part of us, so much so that we can’t see past them and how much they affect our relationships.Thank you for sharing I feel many will be able to relate to the slow demise and erosion of what starts out to be a loving caring supportive marriage, but through our choice to feel hurt and react we shut ourselves off to love and then blame the other person. A great reminder to always look at the part we play and that blaming does not allow us to seek truth.

    1. This is so true from all angles of life. As soon as we hit on the beliefs and ideas buttons we are saying ye to a roller coaster ride of doubts and confusion.

  35. The simple act of taking responsibility for ourselves and making decency and respect a non negotiable in our relationships (especially in our relationship with ourselves) can turn relationships around in miraculous ways.

  36. Thank you Sharon. Your account of your relationship is a beautiful reminder of how a relationship is kept alive by our commitment to love first and foremost.

  37. My appreciation is deeply – simply because they offer us that which we equally are by leading living example.. No greater gift we can get as a reflection. Thank you Serge Benhayon and the whole Benhayon family for your shining blessing to my life. So I now shine too!

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