I have just read a fantastic piece by Kyla Plummer about love making versus sex on another blog (Women In Livingness) – titled Sex, Drugs… and Making Love. It took real courage and self-love for Kyla to speak up about her past relationships, sex life and the recklessness and abuse in such detail.
After reading the article I felt the deep sadness, shame or guilt that I had about my past sex life and relationships as a young woman. There was a part of me that blamed myself for the terrible empty relationships and experiences that I had, but from Kyla’s post I felt how I too don’t need to be ashamed or self-beating about the past. Yes, I chose this and I need to take responsibility for my choices and look at why I made these, but also need to consider that at the time there was no other way shown to me.
Reckless, irresponsible and empty sex and relationships were what my friends, older girls at school, older women and mothers around me were doing, and what the movies and magazines showed me. It was all about the urgency, performing, pleasing and positions, or the romance with candlelight, music and an open fireplace. But all of this left an empty or dissatisfied feeling, in turn leading to the need for either more sex, exciting scenes or locations or a ‘better’ partner.
In my early 20’s I did find a man who was very caring, considerate, open and at times gentle with me, but I could also feel there was still something missing. We had a level of honesty, openness, responsibility, love and care in our relationship, and had created a successful life in terms of our careers, finances, material possessions and social lives, but it still felt like something was missing and I questioned if it was really love that I was feeling. I left this 5-year relationship when I was 24.
I then experienced one more round of trying to find ‘it’… this time with an older man. I recognised I wasn’t trying to find perfect sex or the perfect relationship or the successful finances and belongings, but instead find ‘it’ – that thing that I felt was missing. No luck here either, and I ended up back in old patterns of fun and very happy times, and even passionate, hot and what I felt was caring sex, but still nights of laying awake next to my snoring partner, feeling deeply sad, lost, and unsure why.
Then I came across a group of people who talked about sex versus lovemaking, and that there was a great difference between the two: this group of people was Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon. Serge never once said to not have sex, or that sex was bad. He just presented another option – lovemaking. Nothing was spoken about the physical actions and how this should be, but more about how we were with each other during the day – to build a truly loving interaction with each other before we were even in the bedroom. I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.
The more I began to feel and connect to what this truly meant and how to live it, the more I felt deeply empowered. I realised that it was about having a tender, loving and honouring relationship and that it was nothing at all to do with finding the perfect man (i.e. how the man was). It was all to do with how I was with myself first, then with others.
I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also. It’s not perfect, and for various reasons I often revert back to old, rushed, hard or self abusive ways with myself and in turn, others – but now I know there is another way, and I have since met a man who is willing to be this way to the best of his ability with himself, and therefore naturally with me.
Together my husband and I are developing a more delicate, special and loving way to be with each other and with everyone that we meet – in every interaction, the way we speak, cook together, ask something from the other, and move about the house in a more gentle and caring way… sometimes with a playful smile or silly comment. Naturally the way we are with each other in the bedroom is a follow-on from how we are with each other in the house. The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off. So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.
It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow (i.e. if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner, let alone touch and hold him preciously and adoringly in the way that he deserves). The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.
As I previously said, this is not perfect, and sometimes it is very challenging. However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.
By Danielle, 31, Goonellabah, NSW
434 thoughts on “Inspired to Look Deeper: Making Love versus Sex”
Danielle, it was refreshing to read how love making is different to wham bang sex, which is short lived and often based on heightened emotions. Once upon a time I wouldn’t have put the flow of our day together as part of love making. I observe the importance of this in our lives and partnership.
And I agree with you that if we are off, then that connection is temporarily lost. It requires us to be loving towards ourselves first before we can be loving to others.
Thanks Danielle, it’s a great topic to explore. So much of sex is about function and performance, and our appearance, it’s all about the physicality and not the deeper and true part of ourselves being shared with our partners, and not just in the bedroom but as a loving way of life that making love is part of but not exclusive to.
I agree Melinda, sex has been made to be about function and performance just as much as physical appearance where as in reality to connect to another and deeply express your love for them has nothing to do with these factors whatsoever.
There’s so much for us to learn about sex being just a functionality. Our education systems just does not prepare us for what true love making is. It’s a talk on functionality. Theres no presentation on respecting one another, let alone each others bodies.
Our perspective on sex and making love needs to change. It isn’t what it all seems. If love making was the lead in any relationship, I ponder whether arguments domestic violence, divorces etc occur.
Love and tenderness comes from me with me first then with another. If not, it’s not their ‘fault’ nor mine but it is my responsibility to bring it to myself firstly.
I had realised that it is not just about the bedroom, but how you are with another person through the day. But it hadn’t occurred to me that before you consider how you are with another person, you ought to focus on how you are with yourself! But it’s true, the moment you pull back and are hard on yourself – there’s no way that you will be deeply loving with another.
No-one else can fill the emptiness we feel inside and as much as we may try, in the quiet moments, it is just us and therefore deepening the relationship with ourselves is the first place to start.
Gorgeous words Lucy – the place to start is indeed with ourselves first and foremost. And any emptiness we feel can be the inspiring point to start to fill it up with the love that is within – and in so doing it is not about relying on another to do it for us, but to claim this ourselves and then know that we bring a fullness to another rather than an emptiness and a neediness and hence an imposition to another.
‘It was all to do with how I was with myself first, then with others.’ This message is so, so simple yet profound. The more we practice and engage with a tenderness towards self, the more we can connect with, acknowledge and deepen in that gorgeous delicacy that resides inside, the more we can be that tender with others.
I love what you share about your deepening relationship with yourself, ‘I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also.’
The relationship we have with ourselves is key, and forms a foundation for other relationships, ‘ I realised that it was about having a tender, loving and honouring relationship and that it was nothing at all to do with finding the perfect man (i.e. how the man was). It was all to do with how I was with myself first, then with others.’
It’s such common sense, yet it is not common at all. I am still in disbelief that we haven’t considered this before on a wider scale. Of course (i wish I could put this in bold), the way we interact in our day is going to translate in the bedroom! How can it be any different?
‘if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner…’
All my life I haven’t appreciated myself so I looked for love in intimate relationships – my most exciting ones being those where there was the possibility of love- actually approval- that I could chase. I’m currently not in a relationship and the beauty is starting a relationship with myself that maybe I’ll one day share with another or not.
The beauty is that when we are full with a beautiful relationship with ourselves there is no longer a need for another to fill that hole and therefore little to no investment of finding a partner. If it happens that just becomes a bonus but one we need to be ready for. Whilst they can be very confirming and sweet, relationships are always very exposing of our ill patterns and behaviours as they teach us a lot about our ideals, beliefs and pictures too. When we are not in a relationship we can focus on just the positives but important to note the reality of them, getting a little bumpy at times even when we are open to seeing and healing our issues!
Yes I can so see that when you are in a relationship with yourself it is an opportunity to deepen and get to know who you are beyond the doing.
Taking steps to be precious, adoring and tender with ourselves can at first be challenging but oh so worth it for in tenderness we are reminded of the divinity we are all from.
“I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also” – this is a science that is well worth re- learning.
One of the biggest takes-aways from the workshops and presentations by Serge Benhayon is discovering that essentially we are all the same. We have all made some rough choices but we didn’t know any better you could say. The difference is that now if we are willing to be more aware, take self responsibility for the choices we make, our lives can change.
And on a personal note what you and your family have achieved is magic and it is a pleasure to be a part of your life and share in all the Love we can share together as a True family.
I love just bring up this subject, the fact that there is a vast difference between sex and making love…and actually that even when we think it is making love, this activity can not be separated form everyday life, because how we are in everything, has an impact on everything. Hard, mean, forceful, victim hood, holding people to ransom emotionally…and more all play out in the bedroom etc if we do not deal with it outside of the bedroom etc.
Yes, everything matters, every movement, thought, word spoken. There is, if we are honest, a relationship with it all, the point is how willing are we to listen and respond to what the relationship reflects?
“I recognised I wasn’t trying to find perfect sex or the perfect relationship or the successful finances and belongings, but instead find ‘it’ – that thing that I felt was missing”. Especially as women I feel we use relationships to find that missing something that nags away in the background. We are very good at kidding ourselves everything is ok but the deeper side to life which is our nature won’t let us settle until we actually find it in ourselves.
Isn’t it curious how we seem more comfortable to live who-we-are-not in the world rather than the precious and divine being we truly are.
It is way more ‘comfortable’ to not be who we are as this means we don’t have to stand out from the crowd, be attacked for standing out and show up that the reality and compromise we live isn’t it. There is a huge responsibility with that which most of us aren’t comfortable with.
Yes, I have had my own struggle with standing out, and I am breaking the ties that have bound me to play small and hide. It is amazing to learn to stand tall in your glory, just being, with no trying.
So True Liane, but once the sheepishness has been revealed so what lies underneath the veneer that has cloaking us we can live in Love in ever-moment and Love is always able to be expressed as we are making Love in all we do.
Yes, that is an interesting fact, I wonder why that is the case?
Thank you for sharing so openly, Danielle, and there so much ‘gold’ here. As you so correctly share it all starts with oneself and if the relationship is challenging then it is because “I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first”.
The beauty of us living from our essence is that we bring a depth of flavour and style that is in harmony with who we all are and from this place greater conversation and movement exists.
I love the analogy of the chain here and that it all starts with our willingness to be truly tender and loving with ourselves first during our daily life and movements and if this is missing then the tenderness and love will be missing in the bedroom and at best we can have good sex but it will never satisfy that deeper ache that we all have of being truly met, adored, loved, connected to and honoured as the divine beings that we all are.
This is a gorgeous article, thank you so much for writing about your relationship here. I really love how you have explained how love and care for your husband starts with you.
Making love is that deeper connection we have with each other, it is not restricted to a bedroom or sex as that just reduces it to a physical outcome.
Making love starts with making love with ourselves first. As only then this can be shared with others. And this making love is not limited to only the bedroom but instead will be lived in any situation we are in.
When you discover that there is making love versus sex you are well on your way to grow more love into your intimate relationships as this discovery is only the beginning.
When we say yes to empty relations, the body still has to cope with it. Emptiness does not talk to the body. That is why, the body goes into an enormous inner tension from which it needs relief and that is where sex comes handy.
It’s great you claim responsibility for the fact that when your making love life does not go great it can be because you have not been adoring yourself as deeply. This stops the endless spin to seek more out of need then and there offering the opportunity to look deeper as to what might be going on for each of you more deeply in life.
Yes Joshua, it is always a deepening that makes sustainable change. It is never the broadening or outward movement as that only brings the temporarily relief to the discontentment we then live in.
It stops it being about a quick fix or just simply ‘relief’. Learning to not hide from what relationships in life have the potential to offer is part and parcel of the medicine on offer through our daily livingness.
To make love is what is to do Every day by the we walk, prepare ourselves for the day, how we go to sleep.
When we deepen that we Can confirm this making love in the bed.
If we understood how much life was all about movements we would see that every moment of everyday is an opportunity to make Love – anything less we get a humdrumness we want to be elevated from.
If we live an un-fulfilling life with ourselves then everything we do from there will be of that same nature. We try stimulation after stimulation with foods, traveling, sports and sex included, to try make us feel like we are living a full life, but it all amounts to the same emptiness that was there before. Nothing beats having a connection with yourself and your own body, as from that place, life is full without any need for stimulation or escape.
“Together my husband and I are developing a more delicate, special and loving way to be with each other and with everyone that we meet – in every interaction, the way we speak, cook together, ask something from the other, and move about the house in a more gentle and caring way…” And when we treat ourselves with similar tenderness and honour our body then it naturally flows that we treat others similarly.
Danielle, such a great topic starting blog which is seldom truly spoken about amongst people and even within relationships. We all deeply crave love and so when we do not get the love we know and deserve as a child we substitute and lessen what we know love to be as so settle for less. This then plays out with having sex we know its no where near the depths of love it could be but we tend to say its the best we are going to get and it will do, instead of going hang on if I am going to be truly intimate with my partner in the physical way then I would rather it be love in the absoluteness of the love I know or I would rather not be intimate at all. At it starts way before the bedroom.
I agree James that “It starts way before the bedroom.” Witnessing how new parents treat their newborns – why do we not continue with that – and treat both ourselves and others with equal care and love?
Indeed Sue and a great question. We have no real reason not to as after all we are love and so anything less feels abusive and alien to our bodies yet because it becomes common and normal we accept it.
“It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow…”- The visual reminder of a chain is really helpful here Danielle, because it feels like society is always coming up with ways to deal with trying to develop truly intimate and loving relationships by offering quick fixes and solutions without ever really taking responsibility for our own behaviors and quality of movements and expressions first.
Yes good pick up and I hadn’t clocked that part quite that clearly so thank you for repeating it so I can embrace it! We cannot develop intimacy with another if we have not developed the relationship with ourselves.
Our current society portrays empty sex as the final product but in fact we are sold very short of the real deal and what we all are actually capable of expressing, which is making love. Sex is seen as an on and off switch, and as a physical act that gives some form of gratification or relief. Where as lovemaking is about always honouring self and the other, connecting as deep as one can so that it is a baring of who you are that is the celebration, and so the physical act becomes a celebration of this. We often shy away from this as a responsibility as it asks us to be very intimate and expose ourselves not just by being naked physically, but by not hiding anything about how we feel on the inside.
Danielle, thank you for this great way of sharing that making love comes first from within ourselves and that this is the first area for us to explore and build so that what we unfold from here is simply what we then bring to another to celebrate.
Just the two words cary such different feels. Sex is so cold and selfish even, making love has a completely different connotation – something I am yet to one day experience.
Making love is gorgeous and comes so naturally when we simply are ourselves and connect to another from this place. For me the key is remembering it is not just what happens in the bedroom but how we are living 24/7 with ourselves and with the other person. The more we honour ourselves and our partner then we cannot but make love.
To make love the whole day together by doing all we do during the day in a loving way we feel the Union together which Can deepen more And more.
What we are fed by movies, magazines, friends, and now more than ever the porn industry is a mine field when it comes to our ideas around what sex and making love should be like. And yes all of it leaves you feeling empty and lost. The physical act of making love should be sacred, not something we use to make-up, hook a partner, or get relief from life’s tensions.
‘Together my husband and I are developing a more delicate, special and loving way to be with each other and with everyone that we meet – in every interaction, the way we speak, cook together, ask something from the other, and move about the house in a more gentle and caring way… sometimes with a playful smile or silly comment.’ This is lovely to read, we can feel the delicacy in your words. We often move thoughtlessly and to make every interaction deliberately tender is a lovely way to be with a partner.
Dwelling on past misdemeanours or reckless acts is a way of putting off simplicity and letting in more Love. Learn, laugh, adapt and change – our ingrained beliefs are all that stands between us and intimacy. Thank you Danielle for this tender sharing.
Love this Danielle especially the part of passing the pepper etc doing these seemingly dull tasks with actual tenderness, quality of gentleness, then those activity comes alive. Awesome.
To live precious and tender is what we avoid for long as this is the way to live our love in ourselves and with others.
‘ I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.’ I am finding this too, that the more I am loving towards myself the more loving I can be with my partner.
It’s a pretty simple equation really! It’s living it that I tend to find easier to say than be, it’s a developing and deepening.
Any emotional reaction regarding a past hurt only helps to keep the grip of the hurt upon us.
Reading this I am reminded to not hold my breath for perfection. As your last paragraph shared it’s not about being perfect but using the mistakes as lessons to learn how to be more loving with myself.
There is such a deep honouring of both ourselves and others when we see everything as equally important and so do not put acts like sex above any other moment. It is exquisite being truly intimate with another just walking past them, and knowing nothing else is needed in that moment.
When we bring our care and attention to the smallest thing knowing it effects everything, this is when we start to know Love. Thank you Danielle for this reminder.
I love that point as well Joseph, how the little tinnest detail matters and builds the love with myself and then with others.
Shame is such an undermining and destructive emotion. As human beings we all make mistakes, that is how we learn, so there is no need for shame in this process of correction and letting go, only honesty, acceptance and humbleness.
I remember once giving a kiss to a man who liked me a lot And who was very popular as a casanova with women. I gave him a Kiss not from the so called attraction energy he offered me to go in. But I answered him with a Kiss coming from my heart. He then stopped and said oh Wow that is not where I am ready for. …. he knew exactly what he brings and not ready to make life About love. i loved his honesty.
This blog reminded me of a time when I a friend refused a hug because he was annoyed with me and instead of feeling rejected in any way I felt just as wonderful as I had before as my body could express love without the hug.
No matter how we try to settle for less, our body and heart has a way of showing up, that all we actually are designed for is Love. So why accept anything else in what you say, do and move? It’s these everyday things that get us in a groove that is true. Thank you Danielle for this love letter to us all.
For me also it is not needing to be precious with myself. A long lived hardness tries to dominante my movements as an old habit. But the only way is practising the new tender way in all I do And touch this will re imprint the old way.
Beautifully shared Danielle, I totally get making love is about every moment and every interaction throughout the whole of the day.
“It is already there before we begin” what a very empowering understanding and appreciation of how to be in relationship, with ourselves and then others.
If we start to understand once again what true love really means we can see how we all drifted away from this we carry in our essence.The way back is to start loving ourselves again and care for every detail movement to make it in a loving quality.
It is great to feel the poor choices, disregard etc. of our past intimate relationships. I feel this is part of re-claiming our worth and treasuring ourselves so this will not happen again. Going into feeling ashamed or guilty only holds us there and creates more harm of self-criticism, where there is opportunity for healing.
Absolutely awesome sharing Danielle it makes it all so clear what is needed to bring all relationships into love making – pass the pepper please : ) becomes an extension of how we love ourselves.
The concept of love making is being redefined by what you are offering, and I look forward to my next intimate relationship where I can explore what is offered here.
I keep returning to read this blog Danielle, it feels like it has so much to offer others and me. I used to think if I just made my movements gentle and simple that would be more than enough. Now I am getting the sense Love is so much more than this. It feels like it’s about a constant connection to stillness, warmth and knowing that I am a Son of God. Without this I’m just living in layers of numbness and hardness, no matter how comfortable my life or nice my thoughts.
Thank you for being so generous with what you have shared. It is a subject I wish I knew more about earlier in life. I was unfortunately in the same boat as Kyla and yourself when I was a young woman. My older sister was my biggest role model at the time, that before mentioning the media and other girlfriends. All the information I received from these so called “reputable” sources, lead me to believe that feeling empty and looking for men to fill the void, literally, was normal somehow? However, it is never too late to find love in yourself and then share true love making with your partner. I am blessed with a Husband that respects and loves me, and when we make love there is never an yurky feeling. Unlike in the past how I would feel after sex, sometimes even if I was ‘enjoying’ it at the time, I would just cry, as it made me so sad.
The role models are few and as you mentioned Sarah Karam the search for intimacy is saddened with sex rather than the joy of a union and celebrations between two people that is felt way before.
We are precious and even then we have to relearn to be precious to ourselves again.