Inspired to Look Deeper: Making Love versus Sex

by Danielle, 31, Goonellabah, NSW

I have just read a fantastic piece by Kyla Plummer about love making versus sex on another blog (Women In Livingness) – titled Sex, Drugs… and Making Love. It took real courage and self-love for Kyla to speak up about her past relationships, sex life and the recklessness and abuse in such detail.

After reading the article I felt the deep sadness, shame or guilt that I had about my past sex life and relationships as a young woman. There was a part of me that blamed myself for the terrible empty relationships and experiences that I had, but from Kyla’s post I felt how I too don’t need to be ashamed or self-beating about the past. Yes, I chose this and I need to take responsibility for my choices and look at why I made these, but also need to consider that at the time there was no other way shown to me.

Reckless, irresponsible and empty sex and relationships were what my friends, older girls at school, older women and mothers around me were doing, and what the movies and magazines showed me. It was all about the urgency, performing, pleasing and positions, or the romance with candlelight, music and an open fireplace. But all of this left an empty or dissatisfied feeling, in turn leading to the need for either more sex, exciting scenes or locations or a ‘better’ partner.

In my early 20’s I did find a man who was very caring, considerate, open and at times gentle with me, but I could also feel there was still something missing. We had a level of honesty, openness, responsibility, love and care in our relationship, and had created a successful life in terms of our careers, finances, material possessions and social lives, but it still felt like something was missing and I questioned if it was really love that I was feeling. I left this 5-year relationship when I was 24.

I then experienced one more round of trying to find ‘it’… this time with an older man. I recognised I wasn’t trying to find perfect sex or the perfect relationship or the successful finances and belongings, but instead find ‘it’ – that thing that I felt was missing. No luck here either, and I ended up back in old patterns of fun and very happy times, and even passionate, hot and what I felt was caring sex, but still nights of laying awake next to my snoring partner, feeling deeply sad, lost, and unsure why.

Then I came across a group of people who talked about sex versus lovemaking, and that there was a great difference between the two: this group of people was Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon. Serge never once said to not have sex, or that sex was bad. He just presented another option – lovemaking. Nothing was spoken about the physical actions and how this should be, but more about how we were with each other during the day – to build a truly loving interaction with each other before we were even in the bedroom. I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.

The more I began to feel and connect to what this truly meant and how to live it, the more I felt deeply empowered. I realised that it was about having a tender, loving and honouring relationship and that it was nothing at all to do with finding the perfect man (i.e. how the man was). It was all to do with how I was with myself first, then with others.

I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also. It’s not perfect, and for various reasons I often revert back to old, rushed, hard or self abusive ways with myself and in turn, others – but now I know there is another way, and I have since met a man who is willing to be this way to the best of his ability with himself, and therefore naturally with me.

Together my husband and I are developing a more delicate, special and loving way to be with each other and with everyone that we meet – in every interaction, the way we speak, cook together, ask something from the other, and move about the house in a more gentle and caring way… sometimes with a playful smile or silly comment. Naturally the way we are with each other in the bedroom is a follow-on from how we are with each other in the house. The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off. So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.

It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow (i.e. if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner, let alone touch and hold him preciously and adoringly in the way that he deserves). The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.

As I previously said, this is not perfect, and sometimes it is very challenging. However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.

326 thoughts on “Inspired to Look Deeper: Making Love versus Sex

  1. I’m finding that if things are challenging it is because we are avoiding something that needs to be discussed, or going deeper in how we have been together or there is a next step to take.

  2. Beautiful Danielle, a very important subject that needs to be truly discussed, which these blogs are a start of. Thank you for sharing and making sure that the world actually now has a place to look for the difference between sex and making love.. As you are not the one who has or is searching for “it”. Awesome work, and there is even more..

    1. Agree – a very beautiful sharing and something that needs to be discussed. How awesome would it be if from young in our homes and in our schools, we were taught that love is about the way we move, relate and are with ourselves and others. If this happened I don’t think empty sex would exist – just people making love confirming the way they already related with each other in their relationship.

  3. I can feel the love in your words Danielle. There is no ‘on’ ‘off’ button to love, In developing a truly loving and tender way with yourself this is felt and shared with a partner and making love is a confirmation of the love that you are.

  4. Truly insightful Danielle. It is illusion to think we can be harsh for most of the day and then magically change gear and become loving in the bedroom. Making love, or being love for that matter is not an on/off switch on your bedrroom door. It is a state of being that takes dedication to hold and foster.

    1. A valid point shared her Adam Warburton. Being love can only make love. The other is selling an illusion that can fill an emptiness that comes from an irresponsibility that fills rather than feels.

    2. Any one moment in life is a reflection of the previous choices we have made with ourselves and others. If we have been harsh, disconnected and driven in our day then that is what we take into the bedroom which then makes the time with our partner one of relief rather than connection or deepening of love. And if we have been caring , self nurturing and honouring in our day then that is the quality we share in the bedroom. Every moment with ourselves and others is a choice that builds and deepens our love or not.

  5. “So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.” Most beautifully explained how every action has an effect and how the quality we choose determines how our next move will be.

  6. Danielle, I love how when things are challenging in our relationships that we first need to look at the quality of the relationship that we have with ourselves for if this is not harmonious it flows into the relationship.

  7. I’ve found myself ‘box ticking’ with the idea of making love in the bedroom instead of having sex. In terms of what it should look like, feel like and the level of gentleness – but what I’ve realised is that I was trying to be something for my partner and in that I was not allowing myself to be me and enjoy the connection we have together outside the bedroom and throughout our daily life. When the connection is lived, there is no need to try, just appreciate and express it.

    1. It’s so easy to find ourself conjuring up a picture of what something should feel or look like, but in doing so we miss the finer details and the beauty of the present, which in truth would lead to the gorgeousness in the future.

  8. Wow thank you Danielle, your blog confirms to me that without self love and self acceptance we are left open to the mercy of our own demise. I too am developing a more loving way with myself and hence a more loving way with others. My husband and I feel really blessed to be able to attend the presentations and listen to the audios of Serge Benhayon, from his massive inspiration we have deepened our love for ourselves, each other and the world in general.

  9. I love your analogy “It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow (i.e. if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner, let alone touch and hold him preciously and adoringly in the way that he deserves).” it comes back to self love every time.

  10. We struggle so long to crack relationships and overcome heartbreak, but seldom do we stop and consider that the Love we pursue could be so much bigger. And that perhaps the reason Things go ‘wrong’ every time is not because we are faulty in any way but because true Love, that cherishes and cares for all equally is actually the only way. There can be no deviation from nurturing and bringing quality to ourselves, no matter how many routes we like to try, no matter how many forms of sugar we may imbibe it comes down in the end to developing the warmth and tenderness you describe Danielle.

  11. Stop Press! I want every young person around the world to read this article, not enough is said on this subject and so many people are suffering because of it, thank you Danielle for sharing.

  12. This blogs speaks volumes about the responsibility both partners play in bringing more presence in how they are with each other that does accumulate to the way we can express our love in appreciation at the end of the day.

  13. There were many partners that I had in my late teens and early 20’s that showed the reckless level of disregard I had for myself, yet at the time it was “normal” nothing out the ordinary. In fact in many occasions the “romance” was turned up to full volume. I often thought there was love, but then why were there so many issues, so much disfunction and so much emptiness? Sex was used to fix everything. Yet in truth it changed nothing and the stories you share about lying awake feeling alone are also my experience. What has changed is starting to appreciate the connection with myself, then another and how making love is more than just the physical act but the care and expression I hold with my wife during the whole day, week, month, year etc.. It’s been a hard one to get my head around but certainly one that means I no longer wake up feeling alone and consider the care I take as paramount.

  14. Great sharing Danielle. I totally agree . . .”However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.” . . . this is indeed the key to a healthy relationship with another. Being tender, adoring and precious with ourselves opens our hearts so we can let love in.

  15. I simply love your honesty Danielle “However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.” When challenges come up it is the soul’s way of asking us to go deeper with ourselves and how we in turn care and treasure who we are. Making love then becomes an expression and quality that is shared between everyone we interact with including our partners.

  16. It seems like such a strange concept that we think we can just turn a switch on and then all of a sudden we are “making love”. It makes so much sense how you have described it here, that every action can, in fact, be a making of love if we are with our own love when we are doing what we are doing.

  17. I love the way you describe everything as a development Daniele. Here there is no perfection or ‘super lover’ you are supposed to be, or checkboxes to tick but just a dedication to living every moment to the best of your ability. This way opens us up to see ‘the chain’ that you mention that flows from the moment we go to sleep the day before. And then understand we are all part of a bigger chain too, connected to each other in all we do.

  18. ‘I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.’ I totally agree Danielle, and the empty feeling we have when we are not loving with ourselves leads to trying to fill the emptiness in relationships.

  19. Our current life is like a TV show, or a play, that has been constantly on, relentlessly pumping out dramas, events and ‘memorable lines’ to which we hold on. But what you reveal and share here Danielle is that there is a way to press pause, to find the remote and turn this stuff off. And then rediscover there’s a person and a way of life who’s been ignored underneath. Yes, there is a way to make Love to life, if only we stop and choose to make the drama cease.

  20. The quality of my relationship with anyone is a reflection of my relationship with me. So simple and so profound.

  21. It’s beautiful to understand that lovemaking is in the way we are with ourselves and our partner throughout the day and the physical act is the confirmation of that way of being rather than using the physical act to try and make up for what is nonexistent throughout the day.

  22. Danielle, much to love about your blog, thank you. What I get super clearly, especially from this line – “the bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off.” – that we need to bring this love to ourselves first and foremost, and then to our partner (or other relationships) as much as we can during the day and then when we come to the bedroom, it is a beautiful continuation and not the only place it happens where you ‘make love’.

  23. Lovely writing Danielle, the act of lovemaking as an extension of our love in our day has never been presented so clearly, but what sense it makes to see that how we live in one area of our life will deeply affect another area. So how we move and commit to expressing in our relationships sows the seed to how the relationship develops.

  24. It seems young people give up on love earlier and more completely with the sexual exploitative behaviour they engage in. The knight in shining armour is of course an illusion, unless you see such a saviour figure within yourself, the loving nature within us that never gives up on us.

  25. I have always had difficulties completely surrendering in the bedroom, I think all the negative experiences were still with me on some level and in the moments were other people would loose themselves in passion, I was frozen and numb, not literally, because I faked enjoyment very well but on the inside I felt nothing. Through the support of esoteric healing I am almost free of all the trauma I suffered from age 12 to 23. I am extremely grateful that I am now a woman that knows the difference between sex and making love, what a gift because they are polar opposites when the truth of each is known.

  26. “I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.” Danielle this insight is gold . . . it is really time to share it with the world – imagine more people would chose to be so responsible.

  27. I love the clarity of being loving with another is like a chain – that if a link is broken by an abrupt movement the next loving chain cannot follow unless we reconnect to love again.

  28. Great article Daniele. This is so true . . . “I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also.” Everything comes back to how we are with ourselves. This is massive as it asks us to be responsible instead of blaming others or judging and shaming our self. The more we care for our self the more we find our selves in more caring situations. Our whole outlook on the world changes for us.

  29. Awesome blog Daniele, we are brought up with fairy tales of finding prince charming but none of these fairy tale books tell us that until we love, accept and cherish ourselves we will in truth never find what we are looking for.

  30. A beautiful blog Danielle I just love these words, it sums it all up so beautifully thank you. “The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.”

  31. “Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.” I loved this whole blog and the sentence above especially. Relationships of all sorts always reveal the relationship we have with ourselves and provide opportunities for us to heal hurts that get in the way of our connection.

  32. Wauw Danielle, this is a very deeply healing sharing , for me to read and I trust everyone! How we are so used to look at sex/love making a certain way and how this comes often limited and loveless. It is so good to feel that you have found a way to come back to yourself, express yourself and with others (like this example with you partner). And how we do not have to wait for something to come to us and fix it. But that we carry the answer within.
    And what you say here is so real and true: ” However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.” How crazy, but actually beautiful to start looking at it like this. Let’s start.

  33. I loved reading this Danielle, and really relate to in the past how all my interactions were about the physical side, the position, the size, the movement etc. There is so much more to making love. We can’t separate how we are in all we do outside the bedroom to how we are in the bedroom.

  34. I completely agree that we NEVER need to be self-beating because that is just adding abuse to abuse and is a form of indulgence. However, when you wrote: “I need to take responsibility for my choices and look at why I made these, but also need to consider that at the time there was no other way shown to me.” it occurred to me that at some level we all know love and know when we are not making loving choices. I certainly did not have any loving role models around and made a lot of bad choices. However, when I look back I can feel there was a part of me that always knew I was making a bad choice when I was doing it, but some need was greater in me at that time than the truth. So whilst I don’t look back in regret, I do look to be aware of just how harmful certain choices were, to acknowledge that love and truth are always my number one priority and to choose to never make these kind of unloving choices again in this life or future lives!

  35. Need is something that I have felt get in the way of true love making. It’s taken me a while to work out that need was causing reaction in me for many years when it came to love and intimacy, now discovered I’m seeing how many layers there are to need, one major one being the lack of self love we seek others to fill. When we are full of love for ourselves, we can then love another in full.

  36. If you do not live love, you cannot make love, and so you will of course fall for the illusionary cheap look alike watch known as sex, or the even deeper illusion of porn, and became enamored by the feeling of relief that it offers from your otherwise state of being. However, if your state of being is one of feeling complete within yourself – full to the brim so to speak – then you invariably find that the desires of the world are no longer needed to fulfill you. This is fundamentally where are lot of the dogmatic religions get it wrong so to speak. The christians rely on the threat of punishment and shame to cajole people into renouncing what are deemed sinful acts. The buddhists rely on a constant process of detachment. Both of these tenets however are deeply flawed for the simple reason that they offer nothing to fill the void that is left when one tries to renounce their so called desires. Thus, in order to truly renounce something that you know not to be true, whether it is porn, alcohol, abusive relationships, or indeed a need to find sexual gratification or even have constant forms of entertainment at your fingertips, one needs to be first reconnecting to something else in order to fill the void. And that something is the energy of fire, or love, or your true essence – call it what you will. And that in a nutshell describes what the esoteric life is all about – a process of constant unfoldement where one first recognises and says yes to one state of being that is impulsed by their own Soul, which in itself provides a foundation for them to renounce a way of being that is not actually true – a way of being that seemingly has a thousand variations, from anxiety and depression through to happiness and ecstasy – none of which are actually your true state of being.

    And the easiest way to challenge one who believes that emotions are actually part of our true state of being, then why are they so transient? Why is happiness so hard to hold onto? And equally why are other emotions such as anger so destructive to the body, if they are natural so to speak? Food for thought…

  37. Hello Danielle, it’s interesting how things work, “I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also. ” So changing the world through developing and changing the way you are? Not so new but it seems to be rare at this point. What a refreshing look at the world you give Danielle, in a world that pushes it’s view on everyone and everything. A person or a couple willing to dedicate to changing their view on the world and in turn that changes the world’s view on them. We can push the world to be different or we can take the action that’s needed, ‘we’ collectively need to change the way we are, to ourselves first which in turn does the rest of the work. Great lead Danielle thank you.

  38. Danielle, I love the way you link this up like a chain, be tender and loving with ourselves and then we can do it in our everyday reactions (like passing that pepper), and then it follows on that we can be tender in how we are in our bedrooms. It’s so obvious when it’s put this way, but reading it today has allowed it to sink in on another level … if any of those links is broken then of course the others don’t work. And it’s hugely healing to read as I can now understand how some of my sexual experiences were awful, as in fact at those times I really didn’t treat myself in how I treated or thought about myself very well, so it makes sense. I can now feel how different I am with me and how different that makes how I am treated by others, and can see that I do not have to hold myself to ransom for where I’ve been and how I’ve been, but to see the choices I’m now making and how they’ve changed my life. Thank you for a very supportive read today.

  39. This is a beautiful blog, explaining love as it truly is. A truly loving connection with another is only possible when we are this with ourselves. So when we not we should ask ourself the question why, and how do I come back to this loving way. The beauty is that it is in everything, there is no part in life where we can say no, or that it isn’t needed.

  40. When we look outside ourselves to fill the void or emptiness knowing at us from within the actual quality of energy that fills that gap can vary enormously.

  41. ‘…when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.’ Great closing words Danielle and as true for me as they are for you. As soon as I step outside of being precious, tender and adoring of myself I’ve pretty much lost it (i.e. myself) everywhere else.

  42. The all-day lovemaking described here is super-important, not only in terms of building a quality of relationship, but in cases where physical lovemaking might be restricted, for whatever reason.

  43. I love that Serge has revolutionalised relationships and what is possible between people through presenting the power of developing a loving relationship with ourselves first… it may be challenging but we absolutely deserve nothing less.

  44. Beautifully said Danielle. It is a wonderful revelation to realise that making love is something we can engage with all day every day, no matter what we are doing or where we are because it is a way of living not just something we do in relation to sex and physical ‘intimacy’. Then, when it is our way of being, it is our way of being in the bedroom too. What a lovely way to be.

  45. This blog offers another interesting reflection about our innate awareness that something is missing from many of our relationships. How do we know? As Danielle shares here, she was looking for ‘it’ but the knowing that there is an ‘it’ is somehow innate in her and in all of us. When ‘it’ is missing we all feel it – we all know when ‘it isn’t it’ and so to me this shows that we do have an inner knowing of what ‘it’ is and how ‘it’ will feel when we find it. This innateness is in my experience deeply wise and can be our guide in life if we choose to embrace it more deeply.

  46. ‘The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.’ Choosing to love ourselves first and not depend on another to give us what we are not allowing ourselves to feel is bringing true responsIbility into a relationship.

  47. ‘So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.’ I love these daily life examples and how it is about the quality we live in that determines how we are with others and if we make love or not. It is all about ourselves, we can never blame another for not having love in our lives.

  48. The word ‘sex’ it seems is more acceptable in the world that the word ‘love’. Love requires responsibility and intimacy where as sex can be cold and detached, with bodies being used and abused. When it’s put like this – would we actually want sex over love on any day?

  49. Your words remind me Danielle, how much we are used to seeing the world as something that ‘just happens’ and life as something delivered to us. ‘Great sex’ we start to think is some mystery dependent of random techniques or particular positions. But what if life is a result of the way that we move? What if we determine and contribute to everything, every moment we breathe? This level of responsibility is too much for most it seems, but it doesn’t stop it being the fact that lives underneath. Imagine the Love we may experience and ‘make’ if we embraced this possibility and lived life like that? I for one am going to give it a go, and stop seeing life’s pleasures as something that should be automatically delivered direct to my door, without me having to take action or get up off the couch.

  50. I love the way you describe everything as a chain Danielle. This is the complete opposite to how we like to see relationships and life today. We look for the ‘one’, who will give us the biggest high, and get fixated on the ‘right woman’ or guy who will turn us on. Everything is geared up for the amazing climax, whilst we accept and turn a blind eye to everything else that we see. It turns out as you show that it is the everything else that is actually the star of the show. How beautiful that it’s never too late to make your next moment (and the next) about making Love as you go.

  51. Great blog Danielle we have lost the art of intimacy and making love and what that really means. Making love is a natural extension of the day of two people sharing their lives together lovingly. Being loving and caring is our natural way.

  52. I have never been able to convince myself to have loveless sex, it was never worth it to feel the deep emptiness afterwards. My choice for a while was to not be in a romantic relationship with anyone, until that felt exhausted, which was a signal my body was asking me to deepen the love for myself. The time that I chose to be single was never boring because it was an opportunity to practice every moment being a moment of making love—which has nothing sexual to it, simply a way of being I committed to being with myself and others—whether I was gentle, observant, understanding, honest, playful etc. When I met my present partner, everything that was being practiced and lived with myself naturally became how I am with him, what I realized then is, we are never really alone, we are always married to everyone in energy, and when this becomes an actuality in physicality, it is a common movement between two people for further deepening. Love can always be made, and that is a choice and a responsibility, and in it all, the word love does not even have to be uttered.

  53. This is so amazing to read because it’s not spoken of. I grew up thinking I had to be ‘good’ at sex – like it was the same as being able to do a back flip or snowboard. There are lots of books on techniques and all that with some mention of love but not what love is or the quality. I know that if I am ignoring something in myself I don’t have a connection with myself or another, then love cannot flow.

  54. How honest and insightful this is Danielle. The realisation of how everything that we are continually seeking and losing ourselves in, is that which is outside of ourselves, offering only a distraction from the deep sadness and temporary relief in the search for that missing ‘it’. The end result, always being further delay in our return to that which is true – our innermost divine essence.
    “I recognised I wasn’t trying to find perfect sex or the perfect relationship or the successful finances and belongings, but instead find ‘it’ – that thing that I felt was missing”.

  55. I love how this article brings us to the reality that to be tender, loving, caring and holding of another, that it can’t be offered unless we offer the same to ourselves first.

  56. This article is revolutionary in that it clearly speaks of the responsibility we hold in all relationships. Everybody (from our partners, children, parents and friends to work mates and people on the street) all deserve to be held with tender, loving understanding. Our responsibility, to treat ourselves this way, so it is there in our body and way of being when we are with others.

    1. Very true Leigh. All my life I have tried to give love to others without giving it to myself first. I also constantly wanted others to ‘give’ love to me. The more I take responsibility for the amount of love that I choose to express the more I can see that this whole game of give and take is not love at all. We cannot give another something that we are, something that they already are. We can only choose to let love in and out.

  57. Very much appreciating your depth of honesty here Danielle – a quality that can indeed inspire a great many…
    When I reflect back on my earlier years, and all the drives, wants and needs around ‘sex’, if I am truly honest, it is horrendous to get in touch with just what was allowed, partaken in, and what I felt I ‘should do’ in order to basically be a woman and human being…
    Aargh…
    Then enter the dawning of greater self-awareness, and the realisation that everything we do is by choice. When I came to the work of Universal Medicine in this regard, it made absolute sense, and I let myself go deeper in truly getting in touch with all that it is to make love, and the great beauty there is (without perfection) in building such a relationship with my husband in particular – and essentially end the reign of abuse of myself, my partner, and the rest that had been allowed for so long.

  58. It’s funny how we study maths at school, but we never learn the primary equation for this world: one choice plus the next choice, plus all the ones before that all add up to the life that we get. So if we wish to enjoy all that is truly on offer all we need to do is choose Love – one moment to the next. Yes, Danielle we are all Love builders with our every day life, and certainly not just at night.

  59. When we look back at our lives, sure we all have a different arrangement of events, a checkerboard of ups and downs, but in the end what we are here to consider is it’s all just part of the same ‘need and relief’ game. Choosing true Love in any moment of life cuts all this complication out of the way and makes the quality you share with everyone, everywhere the defining factor. Thank you Danielle for this beautiful inspiration to honour, care and cherish true connection.

  60. Danielle I used to feel guilty over having sex and it took a long time to come to appreciate the magic and deep confirmation that making love offers us, that it order to make love one has to live love with all and the physical act is a celebration of that lived love.

    1. Great point MA. There is a stigma around sex that is reinforced by many established religions. If we take on all this guilt and shame we are clouded as to the real reason that sex is not as fulfilling as we know love making can be.

  61. The bedroom can be the celebration of the love we share each day with our partners. Thank you Danielle for sharing on a topic that is often swept under the carpet or down played as not a big deal. There is so much quality we can bring to this loving union between two people when we make a commitment in our livingness to bring the realness to the all that we live and be.

  62. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly Danielle. You remind me that lovemaking is built on a foundation of self love. Very simple but profound as we are bombarded with messages that tell us the answer lies in finding something outside of ourselves, a different partner, beauty, etc. We have become conditioned to accept (and even crave) something much less than love.

  63. What a great read on the steps towards love ‘part 1’.. there is so much to learn and discover about yourself once you understand how true love works. From my experience too it is a forever deepening with yourself. It is a commitment to evolving and not stay put becoming satisfied with comforting the next level of responsibility and how that looks for you.

  64. This needs to be talked about more. We think we can keep the bedroom separate to the rest of our lives but love is so much more than these 4 walls, we can’t just turn love on when we open the bedroom door. As you show Danielle, love starts with us first, and the gentleness and caring we give to ourselves then naturally flows into how we are with our partner. If there is no love during the day it can’t be magically turned on just for the bedroom and this is why it is great that you are bringing a greater awareness to the difference between making love and having sex..

  65. How I am with myself is a such a huge part of how I am with others, everything I perceive from outside comes from an understanding within, what formulates that understanding is something that we can be assessing, reflecting on and in some cases healing throughout our lives.

  66. It’s so easy to use sex for relief and a sense of connection but if we choose this it leaves us feeling empty and alone afterwards and the cycle continues. Making love is a 24/7 commitment that supports us to evolve.

  67. If Love lives not just in the bedroom, but in our whole life, how we move, talk, touch and speak and type, every little thing must all build to the feeling we make. No wonder we prefer to see Love restricted to sexy underwear or flowers sent on the right day! This other way asks us to be responsible and super caring in every thing that we do. But having read your words Danielle, wow, what a beautiful scenario – for imagine the beauty we can build every day. It blows me away.

  68. Basically it is first about making love with yourself, to connect with the preciousness and tenderness in ourselves and to share that in our movements with others.

  69. All of us make mistakes – some with more dire consequences than others. What is important to realise when such things happen is that shame and guilt actually do not assist the healing process, and in fact hinder it. Equally they hinder our ability to truly reflect on the consequences of what we have done and in many ways stop us from truly understanding how we have affected others, as such emotions keep us centralised.

  70. Most delicately and openly shared, thank you Danielle, it shows that we hold the power of true love in our own hands.

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