I have just read a fantastic piece by a woman about love making versus sex on another blog (Women In Livingness) – titled Sex, Drugs… and Making Love. It took real courage and self-love for this woman to speak up about her past relationships, sex life and the recklessness and abuse in such detail.
After reading the article I felt the deep sadness, shame or guilt that I had about my past sex life and relationships as a young woman. There was a part of me that blamed myself for the terrible empty relationships and experiences that I had, but from this woman’s post I felt how I too don’t need to be ashamed or self-beating about the past. Yes, I chose this and I need to take responsibility for my choices and look at why I made these, but also need to consider that at the time there was no other way shown to me.
Reckless, irresponsible and empty sex and relationships were what my friends, older girls at school, older women and mothers around me were doing, and what the movies and magazines showed me. It was all about the urgency, performing, pleasing and positions, or the romance with candlelight, music and an open fireplace. But all of this left an empty or dissatisfied feeling, in turn leading to the need for either more sex, exciting scenes or locations or a ‘better’ partner.
In my early 20’s I did find a man who was very caring, considerate, open and at times gentle with me, but I could also feel there was still something missing. We had a level of honesty, openness, responsibility, love and care in our relationship, and had created a successful life in terms of our careers, finances, material possessions and social lives, but it still felt like something was missing and I questioned if it was really love that I was feeling. I left this 5-year relationship when I was 24.
I then experienced one more round of trying to find ‘it’… this time with an older man. I recognised I wasn’t trying to find perfect sex or the perfect relationship or the successful finances and belongings, but instead find ‘it’ – that thing that I felt was missing. No luck here either, and I ended up back in old patterns of fun and very happy times, and even passionate, hot and what I felt was caring sex, but still nights of laying awake next to my snoring partner, feeling deeply sad, lost, and unsure why.
Then I came across a group of people who talked about sex versus lovemaking, and that there was a great difference between the two: this group of people was Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon. Serge never once said to not have sex, or that sex was bad. He just presented another option – lovemaking. Nothing was spoken about the physical actions and how this should be, but more about how we were with each other during the day – to build a truly loving interaction with each other before we were even in the bedroom. I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.
The more I began to feel and connect to what this truly meant and how to live it, the more I felt deeply empowered. I realised that it was about having a tender, loving and honouring relationship and that it was nothing at all to do with finding the perfect man (i.e. how the man was). It was all to do with how I was with myself first, then with others.
I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also. It’s not perfect, and for various reasons I often revert back to old, rushed, hard or self abusive ways with myself and in turn, others – but now I know there is another way, and I have since met a man who is willing to be this way to the best of his ability with himself, and therefore naturally with me.
Together my husband and I are developing a more delicate, special and loving way to be with each other and with everyone that we meet – in every interaction, the way we speak, cook together, ask something from the other, and move about the house in a more gentle and caring way… sometimes with a playful smile or silly comment. Naturally the way we are with each other in the bedroom is a follow-on from how we are with each other in the house. The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off. So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.
It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow (i.e. if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner, let alone touch and hold him preciously and adoringly in the way that he deserves). The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.
As I previously said, this is not perfect, and sometimes it is very challenging. However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.
By Anonymous
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
This article is revolutionary in that it clearly speaks of the responsibility we hold in all relationships. Everybody (from our partners, children, parents and friends to work mates and people on the street) all deserve to be held with tender, loving understanding. Our responsibility, to treat ourselves this way, so it is there in our body and way of being when we are with others.
I love how this article brings us to the reality that to be tender, loving, caring and holding of another, that it can’t be offered unless we offer the same to ourselves first.
This is so amazing to read because it’s not spoken of. I grew up thinking I had to be ‘good’ at sex – like it was the same as being able to do a back flip or snowboard. There are lots of books on techniques and all that with some mention of love but not what love is or the quality. I know that if I am ignoring something in myself I don’t have a connection with myself or another, then love cannot flow.
I love that Serge has revolutionalised relationships and what is possible between people through presenting the power of developing a loving relationship with ourselves first… it may be challenging but we absolutely deserve nothing less.
Any one moment in life is a reflection of the previous choices we have made with ourselves and others. If we have been harsh, disconnected and driven in our day then that is what we take into the bedroom which then makes the time with our partner one of relief rather than connection or deepening of love. And if we have been caring , self nurturing and honouring in our day then that is the quality we share in the bedroom. Every moment with ourselves and others is a choice that builds and deepens our love or not.
This is a beautiful blog, explaining love as it truly is. A truly loving connection with another is only possible when we are this with ourselves. So when we not we should ask ourself the question why, and how do I come back to this loving way. The beauty is that it is in everything, there is no part in life where we can say no, or that it isn’t needed.
A valid point shared her Adam Warburton. Being love can only make love. The other is selling an illusion that can fill an emptiness that comes from an irresponsibility that fills rather than feels.
Need is something that I have felt get in the way of true love making. It’s taken me a while to work out that need was causing reaction in me for many years when it came to love and intimacy, now discovered I’m seeing how many layers there are to need, one major one being the lack of self love we seek others to fill. When we are full of love for ourselves, we can then love another in full.
I completely agree that we NEVER need to be self-beating because that is just adding abuse to abuse and is a form of indulgence. However, when you wrote: “I need to take responsibility for my choices and look at why I made these, but also need to consider that at the time there was no other way shown to me.” it occurred to me that at some level we all know love and know when we are not making loving choices. I certainly did not have any loving role models around and made a lot of bad choices. However, when I look back I can feel there was a part of me that always knew I was making a bad choice when I was doing it, but some need was greater in me at that time than the truth. So whilst I don’t look back in regret, I do look to be aware of just how harmful certain choices were, to acknowledge that love and truth are always my number one priority and to choose to never make these kind of unloving choices again in this life or future lives!
“Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.” I loved this whole blog and the sentence above especially. Relationships of all sorts always reveal the relationship we have with ourselves and provide opportunities for us to heal hurts that get in the way of our connection.
Awesome blog Daniele, we are brought up with fairy tales of finding prince charming but none of these fairy tale books tell us that until we love, accept and cherish ourselves we will in truth never find what we are looking for.
Great article Daniele. This is so true . . . “I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also.” Everything comes back to how we are with ourselves. This is massive as it asks us to be responsible instead of blaming others or judging and shaming our self. The more we care for our self the more we find our selves in more caring situations. Our whole outlook on the world changes for us.
I love the clarity of being loving with another is like a chain – that if a link is broken by an abrupt movement the next loving chain cannot follow unless we reconnect to love again.
I have always had difficulties completely surrendering in the bedroom, I think all the negative experiences were still with me on some level and in the moments were other people would loose themselves in passion, I was frozen and numb, not literally, because I faked enjoyment very well but on the inside I felt nothing. Through the support of esoteric healing I am almost free of all the trauma I suffered from age 12 to 23. I am extremely grateful that I am now a woman that knows the difference between sex and making love, what a gift because they are polar opposites when the truth of each is known.
It seems young people give up on love earlier and more completely with the sexual exploitative behaviour they engage in. The knight in shining armour is of course an illusion, unless you see such a saviour figure within yourself, the loving nature within us that never gives up on us.
It’s beautiful to understand that lovemaking is in the way we are with ourselves and our partner throughout the day and the physical act is the confirmation of that way of being rather than using the physical act to try and make up for what is nonexistent throughout the day.
I love the way you describe everything as a development Daniele. Here there is no perfection or ‘super lover’ you are supposed to be, or checkboxes to tick but just a dedication to living every moment to the best of your ability. This way opens us up to see ‘the chain’ that you mention that flows from the moment we go to sleep the day before. And then understand we are all part of a bigger chain too, connected to each other in all we do.
It seems like such a strange concept that we think we can just turn a switch on and then all of a sudden we are “making love”. It makes so much sense how you have described it here, that every action can, in fact, be a making of love if we are with our own love when we are doing what we are doing.
There were many partners that I had in my late teens and early 20’s that showed the reckless level of disregard I had for myself, yet at the time it was “normal” nothing out the ordinary. In fact in many occasions the “romance” was turned up to full volume. I often thought there was love, but then why were there so many issues, so much disfunction and so much emptiness? Sex was used to fix everything. Yet in truth it changed nothing and the stories you share about lying awake feeling alone are also my experience. What has changed is starting to appreciate the connection with myself, then another and how making love is more than just the physical act but the care and expression I hold with my wife during the whole day, week, month, year etc.. It’s been a hard one to get my head around but certainly one that means I no longer wake up feeling alone and consider the care I take as paramount.
This blogs speaks volumes about the responsibility both partners play in bringing more presence in how they are with each other that does accumulate to the way we can express our love in appreciation at the end of the day.
I know which one I would choose, the making love
I love your analogy “It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow (i.e. if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner, let alone touch and hold him preciously and adoringly in the way that he deserves).” it comes back to self love every time.
I’ve found myself ‘box ticking’ with the idea of making love in the bedroom instead of having sex. In terms of what it should look like, feel like and the level of gentleness – but what I’ve realised is that I was trying to be something for my partner and in that I was not allowing myself to be me and enjoy the connection we have together outside the bedroom and throughout our daily life. When the connection is lived, there is no need to try, just appreciate and express it.
It’s so easy to find ourself conjuring up a picture of what something should feel or look like, but in doing so we miss the finer details and the beauty of the present, which in truth would lead to the gorgeousness in the future.
“So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.” Most beautifully explained how every action has an effect and how the quality we choose determines how our next move will be.
My care and love for myself has been deepening, and as a result the quality of relationship with my flatmate has changed. We are more aware of each other around our home, and we are aware of the quality of energy we are in at all times. It can be felt. If I were not caring for myself I would not feel this and I would not care. How could I when there is not a level of care for myself? Yes the love and care needs to start with self, otherwise it is impossible to be aware of how we are with others.
I find that I can still lose myself a bit in relationships to the many pictures of what I think I need to be or how it should look and at times this can be hard to then discern how I actually feel about things. I agree that we need to first be loving with ourselves as the foundation for any relationship.
What you share here is so beautiful, it is inspiring me to feel deeper into the way that love is. And that loving someone comes first and foremost from the love I have for myself, which I am responsible for, nothing else can bring that to me. It is all up to me to choose this love again and again.
Having been brought up with the understanding that ‘making love’ went on behind closed doors, a room set aside for this very activity? Now feeling/understanding that lovemaking is the inspirational seed that is required from within ourselves first, yes, how can we make love with another if we do not love ourselves,gently, tenderly and adoringly first.
What a remarkable realization the following is – “However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.” As I am discovering when this realization is lived it changes our life completely.
You provide real wisdom on the basic requirement for true love in a relationship. For how can we create a loving connection with another if we don’t bring that loving connection through ourselves first? Just what are we bringing to them otherwise? Need, expectation, demand and imposition – none of which are loving.
It’s interesting observing children as they leave it switched on in the main, we can learn a lot from children.
Absolutely Samantha – making love all day and every day in this way brings truth and true love to relationships.
Beautiful Amelia, ‘ I’m loving to explore being more tender, loving and delicate with myself and seeing how that plays out and affects all of my relationships – so far, it has only been amazing.’
The tenderness we can be with ourselves is exquisite and even more so when it is expressed to us from another.
There are so many beliefs around sex, it’s just unbelievable. How we should do it, how often, which positions, what we have to wear, that it has to be exciting, what we have to do, what we should not do, that you need to have an orgasm, that a man needs to have an orgasm, that when you don’t have sex every week, there must be something wrong with your relationship and well, so the list goes on and on. It seems that we have lost touch with intimacy and what it truly means to connect first. To just be with each other, without having to do anything. There is much doing around sex, while for me making love is more about being.
It is so important ‘…to build a truly loving interaction with each other before we were even in the bedroom.’ This way of being starts with us. We are the love in the love making. 🙂 🙂
This is one of the most precious gifts that Serge Benhayon gave to me. With his help I understood that I can not say ‘I love you’ to my partner, and think in a bad way about myself or others. There is actually no difference energetically between how I am with me, my partner or anybody else. Everybody gets the whole package of how I am with everybody.
‘There is actually no difference energetically between how I am with me, my partner or anybody else. Everybody gets the whole package of how I am with everybody.’ I love this, it puts us on notice that every interaction, in fact every action, can either be one of love or not, it is our choice and that is then what we are gifting the world.
‘ ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.’ So simply put and an exquisite concept, indeed a truth, that we first have to re-learn to love ourselves fully before we can fully love another. Otherwise what of ourselves are we truly taking into a relationship?
When two people come together to share themselves in fullness it is beautiful. It is a stark contrast between two people coming together from a want, a need, a desire, in this there is only a moment met, or not, and not a building or true developing of the relationship.
I agree Mariette, we do seem to have forgotten. If we look back to past centuries, courting was a beautiful start to a relationship, where love was actually being ‘made’ between 2 people. We can look at it and laugh a little at how choreographed it all was, but we could learn a thing or 2 from the courtiers of the past. The innocence and honouring of each other was delightful.
“The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin.” How beautiful to be so full of love for ourselves that there is no need of others to give us anything. This was everyone i simply free to be themselves, without expectation or demand.
I appreciate this description of the chain concerning how we interact with one another “It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow…” So often, I know in my experience and I have observed that often there is not a flow and connection, we hop over the disagreements, mean words and toughness and leap into bed or to a romantic dinner without considering it, or ignoring the quality of what we choose. Being aware of the chain links in life is a great way to be aware of our responsibility and commitment to ourselves and others and to feel the quality that we are choosing to live in.
Oh I know that one Samantha – hopping into bed to try to fix or gloss over the disagreements etc. But 2 disconnected and contracted people trying to make love does not work. Make up sex is just that – a made up version of intimacy that falls far short of the feel thing, leaving us needy for true intimacy and love-making.
This is great to review – nothing can be glossed over in truth and you have to wonder what two disconnected people really get out of the physicality? What must we say to ourselves, convince ourselves that it is okay?
“because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other”. Absolutely beautiful and truly inspiring. This makes me think of situations I have been in where people ‘ask’ for a hug or kiss, coming from a need and not wanting to feel something. When I say yes to this, this hug or kiss never feels lovely and true. A hug and kiss are so different when two people are loving with themselves first.
A great and honest account of how ‘love making’ is in all the activity of our lives and how when we are complete in ourselves, there is nothing needed from another – no satiation, recognition as a perfect love machine or anything else and when the pressure is off – so powerful, natural and easy how the true energy of love can enter into love making.
It is the detail and the small things that help us to connect throughout the day.
Being love with ourself is the only way to truly love each other, I can feel this in every kind of relationship, not only couples but everyone I am choosing to be open with gets the opportunity to feel my love, and only when I feel and accept my love first.
Love making is very different, actually the opposite of having sex. I’ve found that when I Truly make Love, there is no goal. Not a desired outcome, nor a climax to reach. Not that it’s not possible, but there’s no drive or ‘mission’. There is a lovely connection between two people that actually enjoy being together. I’ve found for myself that I am still learning to fully be with me, in my body while being with my naked partner’s body. There’s a strong tendency of checking out. As if I do not allow myself, give myself permission to feel the Joy and Playfullness in the Beautiful connection. Intimacy and sex are getting clearer but still there’s this tendency of mixing these two up. As with everything in life, work in progress…
Reblogged this on florisvanderschot's Blog and commented:
De #liefde bedrijven of #sex hebben. Is er een verschil? En vraagt het niet eerst om #liefdevol met onszelf om te gaan? #verantwoordelijkheid
The parallels between making love and having sex are foreign to one another. It isn’t something that can be switched on as Daniel describes but something that is naturally built between 2 people. A guess an analogy could be you can’t taste the fruits of your toil until you have tendered and nurtured a seedling to become a tree that produces fruit.
Love is far bigger than what we share with our partners between the covers. I really related to this blog, and how I had idolised sex to be something of a rom com passionate and emotional occurrence. Completely unrealistic and very empty in reality. To understand what love is now, to see it for all it can be, not just with my partner but for everyone equally, has opened up my whole relationship with people. How can I go home and make love to my partner if I have been shut down and dismissive of someone in the day? To live in that extreme way is to not live love at all; and therefore how can we make it?
This really rings a bell with me – looking for love from another when I haven’t been living it with and for myself first. It’s at epidemic proportions in the world, fed and watered as you say by the way sex is portrayed everywhere as a bodily pleasure dome experience, all about the act and nothing about the lived quality we bring to it and share with another. I love the line, ‘We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other’. No need to give or receive because it’s a continuation and an extension of what’s already there.
It is so interesting how much we focus on finding the perfect partner or perfecting the physical act of having sex believing that this will bring us something we know deep down we are missing but are not willing to give to ourselves. Our first most intimate relationship is with ourselves and I understand much deeper having read this blog that if we can learn to ‘make love’ with ourselves with the tenderness, preciousness, understanding and sensitivity that we naturally are, then every relationship we have with another human being completely deepens to be more loving. This is the true ‘satisfaction’ if I can use this word lightly that we are seeking.
Beautifully said Andrew. As Men we act so tough that we’re many times – if not always – do not want to be tender or loving with ourselves. Instead we’re demanding and controlling situations, women, children, colleagues etc. And all along, there’s just one thing we’re Truly missing – Ourselves. I can certainly say now that it is the most precious ‘thing’ in life when I’m Truly connected to my sweetness, my loveliness, my tenderness. All my movements are then full of me and feel incredible. It is a Beautiful unfolding path where I’ve found the answers by connecting more and more to my body and dare to feel the choices that were not so loving – so very painful – to myself.
I really enjoyed how you described how you pass the tea and pepper and that the choice to live with love is like a ‘chain’. So often we compartmentalise life and when it comes to sex, this is rife. We attempt to put our issues and hurts to one side and do the ‘romantic things’ in the hope that this will lead to connection, without putting the ground work in, the foundation of love into our everyday lives. This is ‘making love’, being love every day and passing the pepper to a person, with a love and appreciation for yourself and while honouring who they are. And so from these simple choices the act of physically ‘making love’ is a natural part of life.
I love the example of passing the pepper as well – it is great because it is the most mundane daily action but it can reveal so much about the way we are with ourselves and the other person. And it can be such a deeply tender expression of love to another!
Such a gorgeous detail – I’ll think of this blog next time the pepper needs to be passed 🙂
Yes this part of the article really resonated with me too, the responsibility is with me first in each and every action – no excuses.
I think that when we get to this point, we’ve already started to choose more “I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself”. It seems the more we choose for ourselves and our relationship, we’re offered this back, with no cap to what can be lived and experienced.
Lovely to re-read this and the sentence that stood out for me this morning was ‘We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.’ The crucial thing is how I am with myself and this is then reflected in all my relationships and is a confirmation of the love that I choose for myself in every moment. Thank you for this lovely reminder for me as I start my day that I have a choice and today I choose Love.
You have given us the key to true love here. the first step of the chain, and I agree it is like a chain, a chain that happens in many levels at the same time, but that definitely starts with what I feel, think, say and do with me. I sometimes wonder why a relationship did not work, and why I did not treat her with all the love and tenderness that she deserved, and I can blame the other person forever, or I can take responsibility and admit, at least to myself, that I gave up on me, on being tender, precious, and treating myself in my thoughts and actions as the special person that I am. So there was no way I could consistently give that to someone else, I could at the beginning, but the thing is to maintain that, from a consistency with me.
Beautiful question katemaroney1, What would the world look like? Lets get the ball rolling 🙂
Yes Jeanette it all starts with us
In order to be loving and tender with ourselves, there first needs to be a certain amount of self worth to realise that we are worthy of such tenderness and love from ourselves and from others.
If you make a more loving approach to yourself, you will be step by step be leading a life that is more open to let love in and share the love that is within you.
Love is something that we can constantly built on and expand. It is our choice to commit to that.
Love starts with myself, so true. When I am connecting to love and I meet another my joy spills over to that other person – so they have the opportunity to also be and feel love. So simple really.
Delightfully simple …and so infectious!
Yes, simple and infectious it comes down to a choice.
“The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off” – what a point! Yes, what will happen in the bed can be just a reflection therefore what occurred all day long. …movies and other fictions show us the “excitement” to make sex all over the house, thereby it is in truth about to make LOVE all over the world (as in the house). The way we are with us and each other is the way we can celebrate with our partner.
Its funny – why is that having tea together is (or can be) so intimate? Its a surprising question I had when I read this comment. But then the whole blog is encouraging me to see the intimacy possible in every moment.
Making love is a 24/7 thing. A touch here, a comment there, the way we interact. Its something I was only vaguely aware when I was younger but having had it pointed out its quite obvious when there is that way of being in my relationship, and correspondingly how empty or dead it feels when the chain is broken.
I love your comment Simon, ‘making love is 24/7 thing’ is something I didn’t consider previously until recently. It makes so much sense but it was difficult to live it everyday. It was something I have been shown or experienced so this seems to be new yet it’s not because it feels like I knew it already, it sounds familiar. I am practicing to live in a loving way every moment of every day.
Thank younDaniella for sharing your story of growing tenderness in your life and relationships. ‘I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also’. this line really highlights the personal responsibility that we hold for all of the relationships in our life. How we treat ourselves has a direct effect on how others will treat us. So it all starts with ourselves and ripples out into all aspects of our life
Very beautiful, honest, real and super practical sharing. I love the open honesty you share that past lack of preciousness with self or others in relationship is something you have had to accept and let go of with no shame. I love also how your sharing makes it so accessible that the quality, warmth and tender care we live with ourselves, others and our partner is the foundation – making love is an every moment commitment. Gorgeous.
Love is love. Your blog shows that indeed we can’t just switch love on and off, and that it starts with a commitment to loving and being loving with yourself first.
Thankyou Daniel for your open sharing on what can be a touchy subject .Making love 24/7 what a life to live with our self , partner and everyone else.
Yes we can’t be loving, and gentle, precioius with others unless first we are that with ourselves.
This is such an open and honest sharing about an area of life, sex and how we can use sex as a way to have needs met but often find they don’t get met or the ‘fulfillment’ is short lived… then there is love making which is about relationship with ourselves and our partners, the interaction, the sharing and in the quality of tenderness and lovingness… which is an ongoing development but well worth it….
This is really beautiful.
A great reminder that building a loving relationship with ourselves and others is in the small things of how we live our day.
What a great blog! It really highlights how we are very effectively sold an idea that love is something another does for us, that we need from another and vice versa – yet your quote, “We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with each other,” is a completely different way to approach relationships.
I never thought I could learn so much about love making from the description of passing the pepper or a cup of tea! But it is so true. Love making begins long before we are anywhere near the bedroom. When we are in the bedroom we bring with us all that we have shared before hand and so the quality is established long before. I love it that you share that love making is also in how we are with ourselves not just our partners. That is something I have not considered before nor are there many who have shown us this way.
Brilliant! Your comment made me laugh! “I never thought I could learn so much about love making from the description of passing the pepper or a cup of tea!” Love it. Love how the responsibility lies solely in our own hands (when passing the pepper or a cup of tea..).
This is such an important topic for us to start talking about and being open to seeing in a different light. For as long as I can remember women have been bemoaning the fact that their partners are not connecting with them, being gentle and tender with them and then expecting the woman to switch on wanting to have sex. However your article addresses the responsibility that we all have for our relationship and the way we are in our day with each other. If there is not connection and tenderness, we can look at our part in this. Love making can’t be something we switch on in the bedroom to fulfil a need or create relief but will be a natural outcome from that love expressed through out the day.
This is a deeply honest sharing, thank you. I’ve heard medical science refer to sex as a stress release, so not surprising that for much of my life sex was about blowing off steam albeit I’ve always enjoyed being intimate and tender in the moment it was only these moments that I allowed this in my life.
Surprise, surprise – now living in a way that is intimate and tender with myself in every aspect of my life, every day, no longer builds up a ‘head of steam’.
Making love has become an act of sharing a confirmation of the way I live.
I love the analogy here of the chain of love starting with love for self first and if any part is missing it affects the whole chain of making love. To make love with another you have to love yourself first. Brings a deeper understanding to this very relevant topic.
There is so much presented here that is worth pondering on. True love cannot be turned on or off, and there in lies the difference between love making and having sex. True love making is an extension of what is lived and sex is an action independent in its own right.
This was so amazing to read, as I have reflected on my past and been quite critical of the very unloving choices I have made with men in my life and sex versus making love. Your blog has reminded me that it is no love in being critical of those choices. But to feel deeply the relationship i now have and honour that, knowing it radiates out to all my relationships, both partner, family and friends.
A powerful blog ,with tenderness and self love, at the core expanding outward from the self to all others .
Beautiful to come across this article today. Yesterday I had such a gorgeous tender day with myself and then I went out last night and kind of felt I lost it. And this morning I got into work rather quickly, although conscious to be more gentle and loving with myself. This is telling me to stop and reclaim that tenderness and deep love for myself. Thank you.
I love what you have written and as you say yet another pure gem from Serge Benhayon about the difference between making love and sex and that making love is not just in the physical sense but in everything we do. As you have shared “So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.” Beautiful.
“The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off.” I love that and it is true. If this is the case, what is switched on in the bedroom most probably isn’t love but more like the need for relief or touch. We all have needs as human beings, and being with people is one of them. Sadly though, and I include myself in this, we seek the love of others before loving ourselves. I’m learning that if we are loving ourselves, there’s no on/off switch because it becomes who we are.
“The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever”.
This is so important, as you say everything is already there it is only to be shared, not something that is needed. That is the difference and would help many a relationship if we all knew this to be true.
Well said Amina, it starts with how we are with us. A very needed topic so openly addressed.
Beautifully expressed, thank you for sharing. Practicing awareness throughout each day how I am with myself and then with others – I also find myself sometimes repeating old patterns. And yet instead of making myself wrong, I remind myself gently what I was practicing. And yes it reflects all around me too 🙂
So so true. I have noticed recently how my thoughts have changed because I am appreciating myself more. And in turn my thoughts, judgements and harshness to others changed immediately too. As soon as you change the beginning link to a more loving way, all the links become more loving. 💘
Thank you.
That was so beautifully expressed – thank you for that… “perfect timing” for me as well. 😉
Beautifully written, honest and truthful. How relationships will change if we all give living like this a go.