Inspired to Look Deeper: Making Love versus Sex

by Danielle, 31, Goonellabah, NSW

I have just read a fantastic piece by Kyla Plummer about love making versus sex on another blog (Women In Livingness) – titled Sex, Drugs… and Making Love. It took real courage and self-love for Kyla to speak up about her past relationships, sex life and the recklessness and abuse in such detail.

After reading the article I felt the deep sadness, shame or guilt that I had about my past sex life and relationships as a young woman. There was a part of me that blamed myself for the terrible empty relationships and experiences that I had, but from Kyla’s post I felt how I too don’t need to be ashamed or self-beating about the past. Yes, I chose this and I need to take responsibility for my choices and look at why I made these, but also need to consider that at the time there was no other way shown to me.

Reckless, irresponsible and empty sex and relationships were what my friends, older girls at school, older women and mothers around me were doing, and what the movies and magazines showed me. It was all about the urgency, performing, pleasing and positions, or the romance with candlelight, music and an open fireplace. But all of this left an empty or dissatisfied feeling, in turn leading to the need for either more sex, exciting scenes or locations or a ‘better’ partner.

In my early 20’s I did find a man who was very caring, considerate, open and at times gentle with me, but I could also feel there was still something missing. We had a level of honesty, openness, responsibility, love and care in our relationship, and had created a successful life in terms of our careers, finances, material possessions and social lives, but it still felt like something was missing and I questioned if it was really love that I was feeling. I left this 5-year relationship when I was 24.

I then experienced one more round of trying to find ‘it’… this time with an older man. I recognised I wasn’t trying to find perfect sex or the perfect relationship or the successful finances and belongings, but instead find ‘it’ – that thing that I felt was missing. No luck here either, and I ended up back in old patterns of fun and very happy times, and even passionate, hot and what I felt was caring sex, but still nights of laying awake next to my snoring partner, feeling deeply sad, lost, and unsure why.

Then I came across a group of people who talked about sex versus lovemaking, and that there was a great difference between the two: this group of people was Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon. Serge never once said to not have sex, or that sex was bad. He just presented another option – lovemaking. Nothing was spoken about the physical actions and how this should be, but more about how we were with each other during the day – to build a truly loving interaction with each other before we were even in the bedroom. I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.

The more I began to feel and connect to what this truly meant and how to live it, the more I felt deeply empowered. I realised that it was about having a tender, loving and honouring relationship and that it was nothing at all to do with finding the perfect man (i.e. how the man was). It was all to do with how I was with myself first, then with others.

I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also. It’s not perfect, and for various reasons I often revert back to old, rushed, hard or self abusive ways with myself and in turn, others – but now I know there is another way, and I have since met a man who is willing to be this way to the best of his ability with himself, and therefore naturally with me.

Together my husband and I are developing a more delicate, special and loving way to be with each other and with everyone that we meet – in every interaction, the way we speak, cook together, ask something from the other, and move about the house in a more gentle and caring way… sometimes with a playful smile or silly comment. Naturally the way we are with each other in the bedroom is a follow-on from how we are with each other in the house. The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off. So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.

It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow (i.e. if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner, let alone touch and hold him preciously and adoringly in the way that he deserves). The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.

As I previously said, this is not perfect, and sometimes it is very challenging. However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.

361 thoughts on “Inspired to Look Deeper: Making Love versus Sex

  1. We go around constantly seeking the perfect kiss, the greatest hug, and to find ‘true love’. Yet all along, the whole time, we are it. The greatest sensation lives in the way we touch every thing, the most beautiful caress in the way we navigate space, the greatest pleasure in the openness we choose to allow and the grace we feel when we move. Everything in this world adds up. We are the greatest mathematicians you can find, and God the greatest accountant. There is no way to fix the books only great choices to be summed up. They either add up to Love or not. Thank you Danielle for sharing this equation with us all.

    1. We are more than the ideals and beliefs that are constantly feed to us. When we stop to take note that we are it – the need is offered a chance to exit and love is offered in abundance to reignite and stay.

  2. This is so beautiful Danielle. What you share reinforces my experience in developing understanding of the difference between sex and making love. To me sex is an empty act borne of a desire for distraction or relief. Love making has nothing to do with sex and yet we can make love when being physically intimate with another if we have chosen to make love a part of our lives.

  3. ‘I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.’ The more we cherish and nurture ourselves the more we can cherish and nurture our partners. When we are prepared to go deeper in our relationship with ourselves the more that can be expressed and communicated with our partners.

  4. This is such an open and honest blog – thank you Danielle. It’s not about holding on to the past, to the fact that we might have gone against our innate knowing (as I also had), choosing to have sex instead that would leave us feeling empty and rather yucky… it’s about deepening the love affair with ourselves first, connecting to the essence within us and cherishing, loving ourselves so deeply. From there, it’s natural to extend this quality and way of being with another, and the sexual act is simply a confirmation of that way of living and relating that we have chosen.

  5. Sex sells big time, most of the world are under an big illusion about sex, thinking it is something it is not. We crave sex when we don’t have intimacy in our lives. Sex can never compare to making love.

  6. I love the openess in which you write this blog Danielle.
    Touching And sharing clearly a truer way to built intimacy together.

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