by Kim Olsen, Bachelor of Chemical Engineering, Salesperson, Warwick, Queensland, Australia
About three and a half years ago I felt to return to my home town and live at my mother’s house. It has been an interesting journey. She is now 85 and getting frailer and fuzzier with Alzheimer’s disease. When I arrived she had just had bowel cancer and was getting regular infections and bronchitis. Over the last two years I’ve taken over preparing the evening meal for us, as my mother hasn’t been coping well. It has always been a balancing act between encouraging my mother to do things for herself and doing things for her. She is happy for people to do everything for her. Although she is frailer and more forgetful, her general health has improved.
We have a difference in the way we live. For me it is a learning about being. Being who I am from my feelings, that for me is about being present to myself. For her, it seems to be about knowing, having and being seen (identified).
My observations with regards to my mother and her condition with Alzheimer’s include that she is, and has been always, focused on what others tell her, what is done and what is known (the Alzheimer’s seems to have made it more obvious). I have come to realise that for me, being is ‘it’ – nothing else really matters. The best thing I can do for her is to just be me when I am around her. Mum does not seem to understand this way of living, although she does seem to enjoy being around it. All I can do is meet her in each moment where she is at, and I feel that in some way she is taking it in.
Over the years I have started to see the coping patterns I have used which are part of the shield (i.e. the protection) I used to make sense of the world; for me this shield is something I have created as part of my way to cope in this world. Firstly it projects a ‘me’ that I had come to believe is the way to be seen by others and I have come to realise that the real me has been lost in this. It also uses chosen conditioned responses to react in each situation I have been faced with. In reality, I am not running the ship in this autopilot mode. As I have seen these ways of living that are not me, I have slowly let go of them; I have grown back into me. Many of these patterns I took on as a child have not served me well, so to return to the ‘scene of the crime’ where I took them on is an interesting part of the learning.
I took this shield with me into my relationships and saw myself, for example, mis-stating what I was feeling to get sympathy or identification. I began to stop and think ‘where did that come from?’ It is interesting now to experience a needy statement from my mother, see it for what it is and not get caught in the drama. It is also interesting to observe a behaviour or comment that I have let go of with an internal smile, recognising – ‘ah…that is where I got that from…’.
I never did quite understand much about emotional manipulation and emotional drama: although I tried to do it to fit in with partners I have had, I never quite got it. As a child, I can remember times of being in joy in my own space when simply being asked to go to the shop. I often did not move quickly because I was totally absorbed in what I was doing, and when my mother said that she would go, the emotional manipulation went over my head. It sounded like a good outcome to me… she and I were both getting what we wanted. I then recreated emotional manipulation and drama in my own relationships until I finally got it. I now feel both as needy, although in an accepting non-judging way, recognising that I too fell for those hooks.
So, to say it has been an interesting journey to ‘go back home’ is an understatement. To say it has been productive for all concerned fits into the same category. I feel I am certainly well equipped to be here. My mother would be in a nursing home now if I were not here: I am much more able to see things as they are, and not get caught up in the drama. My sister-in-law, who has done and does much for my mother, is certainly grateful for my sharing this responsibility, and freeing her from much that is difficult for her. What has supported me is learning from the Universal Medicine retreats that ‘I can be me anywhere, with anyone and all the time’, and I learned how to live that all-ways … in joy.
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Thank you Kim for your sharing – this is a great reminder for me to keep checking if I have gone into a role playing or any form of not simply being me. Choosing any role over just being ourselves is an imposition on another, likewise having expectations or having judgement or criticism of another is just as imposing and does not allow the space for another simply to be.
Interesting how we get conditioned to see our parents in a particular way and behave a particular way with them and likewise for them with us. But when we get the opportunity to learn to be simply ourselves, this can change everything in the way we relate to another and how we are with another, and the relationship can be so much more honest.
To be ourselves is indeed a great gift and takes away all pressures of roles and emotions we might be inclined to play out.
“For me it is a learning about being. Being who I am from my feelings, that for me is about being present to myself. For her, it seems to be about knowing, having and being seen (identified).” I know both of these ways of being, they are so profoundly different, yet whichever one I’m in feels like all there is. There is such a simplicity in being ourselves and honouring how we feel, and in developing the love we are on a day to day basis.
Great to hear that Universal Medicine has supported you to live you, ‘I can be me anywhere, with anyone and all the time, and I learned how to live that all-ways … in joy.’
‘I can be me anywhere, with anyone and all the time’. Learning this brings fulfillment and joy to the purpose of life.
Kim this is beautiful, it is true we can be ourselves anywhere with anyone and when we are people respond and open up. I know with out Universal Medicine I would not be able to cope with certain situations. Universal Medicine has given me the perfect tools to not just deal with life, but to love life and to fully enjoy life.
Lifes learning curve definitely takes a turn in a True direction when we start to re-connect to our essence, inner-most and or Esoteric, which are all one in the same. And once on the path of return our reflection of living a life of Love is and as you have shared Kim, people do “enjoy being around it”.
I also find it fascinating and often react to returning home and seeing the patterns that I grew up with and my patterns of responding. You get to see how strongly certain things are role modelled, promoted to rejected. You also get too see how comfortable you are with these games, even though they may not be what you would consciously choose.
Well said Fiona, it is like this silent conditioning that asks us to come back to play the same role we always did – like an unwritten contract that we need to abide by and it is more obvious when we return to our childhood homes and places which makes it harder to ignore. The blessing is actually in the fact that it is in our face!
No matter how many protective shields we put on they do not protect us at all but does the opposite. The more we are in protection mode the harder it is to heal our hurts and be ourselves.
We are all willing to share our journey when we come on the other side, we talk about the lessons we’ve learned and how we have changed etc. But who is willing to talk about the journey they are going through constantly? The everyday challenges, triumphs and moments of realisation, the lows and the highs? Isn’t that a bit more honest than simply stating all the positives after a journey has been complete so to speak?
If we don’t deal with our childhood hurts we never truly grow up and mature. We can act and feel like we are 3 years old regardless of our age when they get triggered.
The more clear of hurts and identities I am the more adult, steady and understanding I feel.
It is so simple, simply to be ourselves, and yet it poses such enormous challenges in our lives. What a good opportunity to be able to re-imprint.
It is so simple… simply to be ourselves and yet, until I met Serge Benhayon, I didn’t really know what that meant.
When you bring your livingness, what is usually consider a return in truth turns into a departure of what it was, even if the ‘crime scene’ and its characters are seemingly the same. We have to appreciate what we bring.
When we do not take on other people’s dramas and issues we are free to be ourselves.
And that keeps it simple, just being ourselves in every situation.
I really enjoy reading this because of the way you let us into your life. As we start to heal ourselves there are opportunities that present, like taking care of a family member, to allow many observations and realisations to be made to support our return to our true selves (our essence).
I wonder if dementia in the beginning strips us of our sophistication, our ability to make things appear differently than they are, laying bare our needs and desires more clearly.
It is so freeing to unpick these emotional threads and tangles. Yes it takes a lot of humble honesty which can at times be difficult to swallow, but it certainly is well worth the commitment.
Seeing what our relatives are truly doing can give us a good insight into some of our more hidden parts as we may be doing something similar.
“Mum does not seem to understand this way of living, although she does seem to enjoy being around it”. As a fellow human being living much more from the being and the doing, I smiled when I read this as I often find that people enjoy being around me (not all 🙂 ) but don’t really understand it.
It’s not a mental understanding but they feel it makes sense.
It is beautiful to feel that our connection to who we are within, is always there for us to deepen. And the more we do the more we become aware of what behaviours and emotions do not represent who we are and in fact are an abuse on the love and preciousness we innately are in essence.
What a wonderful lesson this is, for all of us “I can be me anywhere, with anyone and all the time”. It is one of those priceless lessons to share with our young ones. Just imagine how much easier their life would be knowing that they don’t have to be anything for anyone, but simply be who they truly are.
I often remind my children to be themselves and the best way to remind them is by me being myself.
I love your point that it’s possible to be you anywhere. It’s interesting how we think we have all these problems with people and dynamics, but when we start to live being true to who we are we realise these are all self-created and we essentially begin to dissolve our part in it and realise it’s possible to be loving and having a loving relationship with anyone at any time – if we first have that foundation in ourselves.
The point is so refreshing and so simple in its statement. As it is just allowing yourself of be!
To walk shielded in life is indeed a crime… against both oneself and humanity.
I love your sharing Kim and you’ve expressed so beautifully the process of becoming more of who you are with these words ‘I have grown back into me.’
Yes that expression is a real growing up. Hopefully at some point we will start to ask why on earth we moved away from being ourselves in the first place, and why people in our lives are not up in arms when we do.
A lovely, loving sharing and I can feel the stillness within you Kim, and as a result I feel the stillness within myself.. Thank you for sharing.
And the thing is, that we can see the signs, the subtle but tell-tale signs of the stepping back from life that is the first step in the downward spiral, we see the signs everywhere and in so many people.
And if that is the first step to dementia and Alzheimers, then there is a way to avoid or reduce the impact of those ailments.
This was so gorgeous to read Kim, in the way you held your Mother and yourself in the understanding that the behaviours you were both using have never been who you really both are in truth. What an amazing opportunity for you both to heal and let go of so much together.
It really doesn’t matter to me (most of the time!) if people choose not to hear or get it through my spoken word; it is through my movements that I inspire.
It is through our livingness that our words then hold the same quality and we naturally inspire others by living more lovingly. It is simple, people can feel the quality of our movements and this can be inspiring.
Absolutely, our movements, how we are and live are powerful reflections, and can have a big impact on another.
There is a part of us that can be our own worst enemy sometimes but having an honest awareness of this fact will always support us to learn and grow both from it and beyond it.
We can support each other so much if we let go of ingrained behaviours and patterns. Because then there are far less dynamics and way more ease and love.
It is like standing naked in other words truly letting yourself be seen and with no perfection the honesty that is there paves the way…
When we not get caught by emotional drama life makes a turn and we learn to be in observation. Observing your mother with Alzheimer disease must be an interesting one as I know from work experience it is not always easy but on the other hand it can be such a joy to care and nurture from true care and nurturing we apply to ourselves.
And when we observe we don’t take on what is not ours and therefore don’t get drained, offering instead true support and an opportunity to grow and heal.
This offering is very powerful for all those that we live and work with. There is another way to be that does allow us the opportunity to be more for ourselves and naturally so for others.
It’s a wonderful choice you have made for both of you – re-visiting and being willing to re-learn. I so get the point that much of what was learnt in childhood didn’t/doesn’t serve so well in any relationship – including the one with myself.
That is true, much of what was learnt was how to cope with a level of adversity that we don’t need to have around us.
Kim thank you for your blog, it is a great reminder of how difficult it can be to look after an ageing parent, especially with Alzheimer’s, supporting your mother and your sister by observing and dealing with what needs to be dealt with, without the emotion or anxiety makes it easier for everyone.
Great to have the awareness that we can heal those old patterns from our past and are not victim to them. Letting them go is very liberating and offers others the reflection that this is possible.
I have experienced several people revert to a limited form of childhood as their dementia deepened and their behaviour becomes less controlled, i.e. it becomes more obvious as Kim has described.
I can’t imagine how challenging it would be to see your own mother’s health deteriorate in this way. The beautiful thing is that once you have studied with Universal Medicine and become a student of the work, as you have, these situations seem to be embraced more for the learning and beauty and less for the emotions, self-pity or escape options. You sound like you are doing an amazing job of deepening your love for both your mother and yourself.
It is quite a blessing to return to an environment or setting from the past and experience how different things can be; there is no need for the same old, same old ever – we always learn and evolve.
Yes, we can find new ways of dealing with issues that loomed large in our childhood and then realise that we have outgrown these issues and therefore don’t need to be part of many dynamics between us and our parents.
It’s interesting to look at patterns that come from family, and to investigate how we have adapted to family dynamics and what we have chosen for ourselves. Then there is the bigger picture again of how our parents were parented, and what environment each generation grew up in (war, poverty, etc) and how these things were again brought into the family. Universal Medicine has supported me in developing this greater understanding instead of holding hurt, resentment or blame. This has been such a gift to help me unravel and heal family relationships and let go to simply be me.
Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s is a reminder to stay present with every move we make and to be true to who we are.
Kim, I had a similar journey with my mother a couple of years ago. What you have expressed here ” Being who I am from my feelings, that for me is about being present to myself ” works with any situation we find ourselves in, in our daily lives, no matter what is going on around us.
This is the living that comes naturally that we often downplay over the doing that leaves us heading in the opposite direction.
Very few of us live life allowing others or the world to truly see who we are. We have learnt a multitude of faces to present depending on the setting, the day, the company etc etc if one we have perceived doesn’t work we can try another. All is about getting people to see something you want them to see. But what if this part of things doesn’t fit, what if ‘our’ way was to just allow ourselves to feel what was going on in front of us and then simply respond from there? What if life we weren’t meant to be perceived as anything but merely live from feeling each moment and then truly responding from that feeling. This for me is a way to always be ready to respond as it’s not a learnt face but a flexible approach to anything that is presented to you in life.
This is an inspiring and beautiful blog Kim. You remind me that home is within us and our connection to where we are truly from allows us to deeply connect with ourselves and others wherever we are.
How awesome to find joy in what can be a very stressful and challenging time, with or without alzheimers.
This blog is a marker of true healing for all that needs to be shared with the world. There is so much misery and hardship attached to what we know in caring for our loved ones with this condition.
Beautiful insights Kim. It can be tempting to point the finger at another but we have a chance to evolve if we approach things with an openness and willingness to see the part we play.
Yes, a great opportunity to take responsibility for our own part in any situation that ‘triggers’ us.
Being ourselves in the world is a continual development that warms the heart and is touchingly real.
How amazing and deep in joy to be in the world with many others who choose differently, it feels like the whole world being together and yet have our own choices, being able to be with each other this way reflects a deep intimacy we have with ourselves.
To bring what you are Kim to your mother is very beautiful, we do not take care of our elderly well at all, with many ending up in nursing homes eating food that does not support, and being handled daily by those who are under the pressure and strain of a system that is not supporting them. Understanding the impact of our interactions with one another is key, something Universal Medicine has presented and taught for many years. What you’ve shared is needed for our future, even though in truth it’s a return to something we fundamentally know to be true.
When I feel I am not accepted for my imperfections, I will ask myself where I do not accept myself or others. This acceptance cannot be pretense, every time when I feel vulnerable, I am the one who has to love myself no matter what and accept myself again no matter what I have chosen. I learn slowly sometimes and I have to accept that too with patience. The smallest ounce of emotion is already deeply harming, that is what life is teaching me every day.
A great learning and opportunity to re-imprint old patterns and bring healing to those involved.
Being ourselves all the time is super important, and can make such a difference to those around. Letting go of our needs and judgements and just being love and giving another space and true understanding is magical.
Beautiful that you embraced this opportunity to be with your mother and the learning that it offered. We come face to face with old ways of being when we visit ‘the scene of the crime’ and either get hooked in or let ourselves off the hook, so to speak, free to be ourselves and live….in joy.
It is incredible what our presence can do for others if we stay with ourselves. This has to be acknowledged and claimed.
Life can be lived simply allowing a natural flow with no emotional attachments. The best way forward is to live honestly in the moment.
How healing for both you and your Mother, Kim. And, the greatest gift in being able to simply be yourself and meet your mother in full, with her condition with Alzheimer’s.
“What has supported me is learning from the Universal Medicine retreats that ‘I can be me anywhere, with anyone and all the time’, and I learned how to live that all-ways … in joy”.
A brave step Kim, to return to home base… usually the seat of most of our hurts and traumas that we carry into our adult life, and great to bring clarity and healing.
I love the way you went back home and re-imprinted the relationship with your mother, when we let go of any judgments or hurts we make space for love and true service.
What a blessing for your Mum to have you care for her Kim; and from what I read from your blog a blessing for you also.
‘I can be me anywhere, with anyone and all the time’; what a powerful and inspirational lesson, thank you.
It seems you have made the situation you are in a great learning for yourself and your Mother Kim. To be so positive and loving in the caring role you are in is beautiful. Thank you Kim for your sharing.
Thank you Kim for this valuable sharing. There are many of us who could be in the same situations that you find yourself in and what you share here will be extremely helpful.
Life is very different when we see the reflections it offers us and we seek to understand them for our own growth and evolution. From this perspective, no day nor moment is wasted – there is always something to learn.
It is amazing how often we can go into old patterns of protection around certain people under the illusion that it will support us to cope better… however it is done so, as you have found, at the expense of the real us which gets buried under or tainted by the protective mask. How gorgeous that you have been able to face and address your choices and from that use awareness and understanding to let go of not only what is not you but to be able to see and honour another for where they are at too.
Our family relationships can be great big mirrors that reflect back to us our own behaviours and patterns and give us a huge opportunity (although I don’t always see it that way!) to heal and change the things that are holding us back and preventing us from growing.
Whether or not our parents are dying or ill, it feels important to ‘return to the scene of the crime’ as you put it Kim – we have all picked up many ideals and beliefs and behaviours and hurts from our families, especially our parents and it feels important to me to face these and to reimprint them, rather than just accept them as normal and believe that that is just how life is. Recently I have been feeling this for myself and how healing it is to develop and reimprint my relationship with my own parents – changing what I can feel are very old patterns of behaving and layers of protection I have held myself in for a long time.
I love here Kim how you have turned an experience which most people would find challenging and difficult and turned it into a beautiful opportunity for healing for both you and your mum.
I love the clarity you bring to things, how you observe and bring it back to you, how you see the same patterns in yourself or some you have let go of and with that you allow understanding guide your way.
The very fact that we can choose to hold others with tenderness and love, no matter their choices, exposes how much we do and say things, without first choosing how we want to be in our lives. A great article Kim, full of the wisdom of choice, and how a choice made for ourselves affects all interactions we have.
Being is definitely where it’s at! From our being-ness we can observe, accept and hold others in the love we are already feeling in our own body.
When we bring joy to what we do, what we do comes alive with love and purpose.
This line stood out for me Kim – ‘Firstly it projects a ‘me’ that I had come to believe is the way to be seen by others and I have come to realise that the real me has been lost in this.’ I agree this is how many of us choose to deal with how the world is. It is a great feeling to start discarding the layers of false behaviours we have taken on to uncover the real us that has been there underneath all along.
I used to think I was nothing like my mum and dad but I have recently become more aware of the habits and traits I have that are also in them. Before, being like them would have made me recoil, but now it makes me smile. Embracing and accepting my parents for the wonderful people they are has been an unfolding and great learning for me.
Just Be. Simple but not always easy. Many of us do like a good drama and these can be hard to let go of. But if we see life through understanding eyes then there is no judgement of the drama when it is chosen, and we are more simply able to see it for what it is.
We can be whoever we are, wherever we are, and we CAN learn this , we can feel it in our bodies, learn to trust this feeling , and bring it with us everywhere.
I have observed my husband build a deeply loving relationship with his dad over the past couple of years, whilst his dad’s health and mental capacities have been declining and he has become a frail old man who needs a lot of support with his life. It is so beautiful to see today how their relationship has turned around to my husband becoming the caretaker and his dad moving back more and more into a child-like condition, but utterly accepting of his son caring for him ever so tenderly.
It can be quite eye opening to see the family patterns we have. To see these from a place of being present with ourselves and connected to our essence gives us an opportunity to truly discern what the patterns are, where they stem from (need etc), and whether such things are healthy or not. The simplicity of being ourselves can really expose clearly what we have taken on.
Thank you for the honest reflection Kim and the blessing of what this experience has brought to others. To be able to be present just as ‘you’ and observe the patterns that were once your life is a gift. Old repeating cycles that have been created to meet the expectations of a world setup on recognition, approval and reward has been exposed in this blog – thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you Kim for sharing so honestly about your experience with living with your Alzheimers mum. It is very inspiring how you could discover where most of your hurts started and how you deal with them now. It is really a journey back to your true inner you – wonderful.
This is such a gift Kim – to be able to return home with unblinkered eyes and to see the patterns of manipulation and our part in them.
Until we truly know our inner world , we cannot help but manipulate most people around us, in our jobs and even in our families…. It may be unconscious but its there.
How wonderful Kim, that by returning home to be with your mother that you have been offered so many reflections that have allowed you to understand you and your way of living a little bit more. I have found that it can be rather an “ouch” moment when we are shown where a behaviour or pattern that we have, has come from, but at the same time it is also a very healing moment, if we so choose it.
I have always found it interesting that when I return to a place or meet someone I have not seen for years you come back where you left of last time and then the development of the relationship/situation depends on how we handle ourselves this time round.
Providing support with nothing in returned expected, a very beautiful act to receive and give.
“I have come to realise that the real me has been lost in this.” This is a revealing insight of how when we lose connection to our true selves we may be heading for living with dementia. By returning to live with your mother you were able to observe the cause and choose to stay connected to who you are.
The moment we begin to protect ourselves from old hurts, we lose the connection to who we really are and it becomes all about not being vulnerable to feeling those hurts. Going back home to re-experience those moments and people that contributed to certain choices in the past is a truly powerful way to confront our demons and begin to make different choices that support our re-engagement with who we truly are.
Thank you Kim, I loved your story,” What has supported me is learning from the Universal Medicine retreats that ‘I can be me anywhere, with anyone and all the time’, and I learned how to live that all-ways … in joy. Just Beautiful…
There is much that we can all learn from your experience Kim thank you for this sharing.
It feels that in situations like yours or similar that this is a huge time of re-imprinting old patterns that do not serve any more. For you to be living your truth would be a major support and a healing for all.
People all have shields… Of varying degrees and intensity, but we all have them in a vain attempt to protect ourselves, but all they do is bury the hurts deeper and emphasise the separation which is the opposite, the direct opposite of the direction in which humanity should be heading.
This is incredible Kim, to return home with a new level of understanding and of where your protective shield was introduced without judgement, resentment or guilt but a deep learning from observing and not absorbing what you witnessed and can see so clearly the situations for what they were. You are a true inspiration Kim for me when I return to my origins of where I first built my protective shield to know that the best protection of all is love and to choose not to react or absorb what is not loving but just to see it for what it is. To speak up about this without any emotions but with absolute truth.
This line Kim is so important: ‘The best thing I can do for her is to just be me.’ I’m learning that’s literally the best thing you can do for anyone, and if you live what you know is true that is enough, you don’t have to save anyone.
Dropping the shield, letting our guards down and letting people in for all they are and have chosen is our best way to be. When we put the blinders, the guards and all the protectors on we are never truly ourselves no matter how much we try to act like it.
A beautiful reminder Kim to be ourselves in whatever situation.
Whilst reading your blog I felt what a beautiful blessing for you and your Mum; thank you Kim for sharing your experiences and your wisdom.
To live me and share this with people who are not directly connected to Universal Medicine is very beautiful. It is confirming for myself and a blessing for the people I share life with.
Returning to any ‘scene of the crime’ inevitably brings up old patterns, beliefs and attitudes for us to review and if we choose, refresh and revise. It means we get to break through stuff that isn’t us but that we’ve been carrying around with us, playing out, perhaps since childhood – and brings a golden opportunity to move forward, being who we truly are, ‘me anywhere, with anyone and all the time’.
Great comment Cathy, I feel this would be very healing to return to a ‘scene of the crime’ and by choosing to stay connected with our essence, not to automatically fall back into repeating the same roles, old patterns and behaviours, instead bringing light to the scene.
I used to feel very sad and inadequate about the missed opportunities to truly connect with my mum in the last weeks of her life. I had gone back home to be with her and spent my time at her bedside in the hospital but I felt something was missing. I was unable to challenge the rigidity of the system back then and felt imposed upon by the rules that were quite different from what I knew in Australia. Although I did the best I could at the time the person I was then did not meet my mum the way I could today.
Beautifully expressed Kim and a lovely reminder we can be our true selves no matter where we go, then everyone gets an opportunity to feel something different and are free to choose a more loving way. I know for me learning to be totally myself with my family has been very empowering and exposing at times. Letting go of old patterns that keep our relationships stuck has been key to developing more true relationships in all areas of my life.
It is so easy to get pulled back into old relationship patterns when we return to a part of our lives that we have previously left. Kim I loved how you have shared that the secret is just to be you and to hold that. When we hold ourselves the old reactions are no longer present.
Yes, very well said Anne. There is an opportunity for me to return to a place like this middle of this year, but I am feeling a whole lot of anxiety around it. By reading this blog it has made me realise that by choosing to stay connected with myself and let go of the anxiety, I am then more able to stay present and be totally myself, therefore, become less affected by the dramas and emotional manipulation. I feel I have the power now to choose not to be sucked into the dramas and be drained of my energy but stand up and take responsibility for my part, express truth and observe only.
Mum has now moved on in a peace and love that she only felt in the last few months.
The emotional manipulation game is deadly. It plays out in most relationships and is sadly what keeps them together. Emotional manipulation comes from needs thereby the only way to free ourselves from partaking in emotional manipulation is to see and address our neediness in what ever form it may come in.
It could be not wanting to be alone, security that someone is only a phone call away or that someone will love you unconditionally.
Such a great sharing about how to care for a family member simply by being yourself.
Kim, I found a lot of wisdom in your blog, thank you. Family offer such wonderful reflections to us. What I will especially take from your words with me today was your comments around being with ourselves all the time and staying the observer of all that is going on and to not absorb the emotional dramas that are often playing out around us.
Yes I too deeply appreciate what Kim is sharing here Helen. I am learning to not let the emotional dramas in family situations affect me by staying connected to myself and by choosing to not absorb but observe.
Being able to be ourselves all the time is such a blessing, and not just for ourselves, but for everyone that we come into contact with.
What a wonderful opportunity for learning and understanding yourself and your mother Kim and thank you for sharing about this. I love the line you wrote ‘I can be me anywhere, with anyone and all the time’. How beautiful to have arrived at that realization.
I had a spell living back with my mother for quite a period of time after decades away. I never planned it but I certainly will never regret it. It’s like walking back into the mould that made you and noticing starkly where it doesn’t fit anymore. It rubs on the skin and if you don’t take heed, you get a blister. It affords you both the opportunity to review and refresh and permits you to do this for yourself separately and as a couple, giving you the chance to make different choices for yourself and each other. It’s a great marker of growth, a self-reflecting mirror and true exposer of belief systems, Simply the best personal development trip you can both do if you’re willing – challenging, stretching but supremely liberating and bonding. Neither of us would have missed it for the world.
Cathy you describe the old behaviours we go into with family members so well, it’s like a mould that doesn’t fit, how amazing to notice it and start afresh, and totally change things around.
As my parents age I can see they are starting to need more and more support. It is confronting for both sides as I guess there are many things that we have tucked away, no go zones that might flare up in conflict – I can see that we are going to have another opportunity to have to find a way to deal with some of these issues as they become more dependent. pre Universal Medicine I would have been dreading it now I see it as a great opportunity perhaps a challenging and confronting one but a great one none the less.
I lik how you point out that this behaviour is something we simply choose to take on, it is never something that belongs to us or that we are. I like how you highlight your responsibility and face the reality in yourself and your mom. I like what you say that we can be all of who we are wherever, it is just eliminating all the behaviours that are in truth not us, not real or true. Such behaviours do not define us in truth, as we are love. So deeply love.
Kim it is indeed an interesting journey to observe our patterns with our family. It’s also super freeing to let go of blame of thats the way we are and choose to live another way that is offered from Universal Medicine. From here we then can truly love and accept our family for where they are at in their own protections.
Kim it is beautiful how much you have learned to identify and heal the childhood hurts associated with your mother, and bring the real you back to her – a true gift from the heart.
Thank you for sharing your experience Kim of coming back to the family home and caring for your mother with Alzheimers. I imagine this would have been a difficult and trying time but a great gift for your mother to be in your presence and experiencing the deep love that you are.
It feels like your present situation has given you the gift of time for deep reflection and space to heal. Thank you for sharing with such honesty, Kim.
‘I can be me anywhere, with anyone and all the time’. Being simply ourselves is truly what we all innately crave and actually are underneath all of those outer layers of protection and hurts. Lovely blog thankyou Kim.
I like how you reflect and see where you have adopted some of your behaviours from that then played out throughout your life, and with that then can choose to change it. It shows how strong our parents might influence us and we simply take on some behaviours even though we might not want to.
Thank you Kim and Esther, I agree, the more we seemingly resist our parents the more of that energy seems to be attracted as part of our makeup! Now in my life the influence that has shifted is the magnetic pull towards love. This is available to all thanks to the true reflection of love through Serge Benhayon and the students of the Way of the Livingness!
Thank you Kim for sharing your story, and realising you can be you anywhere , anytime. A blessing to your Mother ,you being there.
Returning home to the scene of the crime is a great title, Kim. I left home as quickly as I could at 16, so that I could avoid all the issues that came up around the family. Over the last few years I have been addressing these and how I go into very old patterns around my family and especially my mother..(my father died 30 years ago.) It has been very healing learning to stay with me and not become the dutiful daughter. I can very much relate to what you wrote here Kim..”We have a difference in the way we live. For me it is a learning about being. Being who I am from my feelings, that for me is about being present to myself. For her, it seems to be about knowing, having and being seen (identified).”
Thank you for sharing your experience of returning home to care for your mother and recognising patterns from childhood onwards that you are now able to re-imprint. Having spent many years caring for my father until his death earlier this year I can really relate to the opportunity to recognise the behaviours from childhood that have served me ill as an adult and feel blessed to have had a second chance with my father which was so healing for both of us.
How you found your way with your Mum is incredible and what I love about what you have shared is the equal responsibility that you and your sister-in-law share in terms of caring for your Mum. I get a real sense of you totally understanding where your sister-in-law is at and that very much part of both of your roles is ensuring that neither of you become exhausted, which is very a common experience of those in caring roles. These stories need to be shared widely so that we all can learn how to best support both ourselves, those we care for and those we may share the caring role with.
Thanks Jennifer
I actually stayed with myself at all times so was never drained.
It was a good experience for us all.
Mum has now passed over.
I sat with her a few weeks before and she left in peace. While I was with her on that occasion a nurse came to do something and said she would come back later. Mum said that was because ‘she felt the love’. I enjoyed mum’said heartfelt response.
Beautiful blog, very inspiring. Going back to where we have made the choice to leave ourselves and become something we are not, can be a very healing thing to do. To realize then that it has nothing to do with the place, but a choice we made ourselves. Like you say: i can be me anywhere.
Absolutely Mariette it is all about our choices and it is so amazing to realise that ‘I can be me anywhere’.
Kim, awesome blog and title! I just stopped at this phrase: “We have a difference in the way we live. For me it is a learning about being. Being who I am from my feelings, that for me is about being present to myself. For her, it seems to be about knowing, having and being seen (identified).” What a great opportunity to understand and reimprint you got there! A true blessing!!
I have not mastered this yet, in particular with one of my relatives where I start off planning to just be me, but still get dragged into the drama, or the fight. There are other relationships where I am more stable and the quality of the conversation can be incredibly loving…. but this one in particular is such a challenge because I still have so many unresolved issues around them (so many buttons that still get pressed). A great blog to read for a bit of inspiration.
This was beautiful to read Kim. I loved what you wrote about being you anywhere, with anyone, all of the time and living that always. What you have learnt from returning home with this new way of being is truly gorgeous and obviously very healing for all involved…. It’s so lovely that you shared it.
Very powerful blog Kim – thank you. To be yourself, love, with your mother is a blessing for her and for you. A beautiful reflection of how the power of love, and remaining true to the love that we are brings support, understanding and tenderness to any situation.
I loved reading your blog Kim, thank you for sharing your experiences.
I was struck by your tenderness and gentleness towards your Mum and the welcomed support from your sister-in-law.
Dear Kim, I really loved how you invited everyone into your family life and how you were able to relate to your Mum and deeply understand both of you without any judgement.
Some great revelations here Kim, I really enjoyed what you shared. What you now offer your mother is such a beautiful reflection, how wonderful for her to have this support, nurturing and care.
When I moved back closer to my parents after so many years, I was determined to work on my relationship with them. It was never about playing a ‘good’ daughter, but just being me, and it has not always been easy, there are too many things that could trigger us (mostly me) back in to the old pattern. Seeing them as my equal brothers who have made their choices as best as they could (which may have ended up in the diseases and illnesses) and developing my understanding has been the key to re-imprinting our relationships.
Kim your ability to lovingly take responsibility while identifying patterns of behaviour that have not served you is truly inspiring. I was very moved reading this blog. The way you cared for your mother feels so beautiful and I can feel what a blessing you are to everyone that you meet.
It’s great to open the lid on the can of behaviours we don’t own. I really appreciate the line ‘I began to stop and think “where did that come from?”‘. More frequently than ever before, I tend to be asking the same questions and gradually can answer them in full, which is liberating. Thank you for sharing Kim.
It’s such a freedom Kim that you write of, being you anywhere, anytime. When we do that we bless both ourselves and each other – what a gift.
Great to read of the loving changes you have made to your life Kim, and how these supported you to see the bigger picture at play, when you returned to the scene of the crime.
Great article Kim. – “It is also interesting to observe a behaviour or comment that I have let go of with an internal smile, recognising – ‘ah…that is where I got that from…’.” – I can relate to this sentence very well.
A great level of understanding and appreciation can be attained when we take a step back and open up to seeing the bigger picture. It’s interesting how when we don’t, we become closed to seeing things for what they really are. A great example you gave is how initially you can see one behaviour as needy and another not, yet when you truly open yourself up, it becomes obvious that they both come from that same place.
Amazing how you were able to return to the ‘scene of the crime’ and see those situations and behaviors in a fresh light. That firm knowing of ‘this is who I am’ from the inside and being able to detach from the needs and emotions is inspiring.
Thanks Kim, gorgeous words on a topic that is hard for anyone to deal with. It’s great to see that you stepped in to help but did so on your own terms. Terms that were true to you and are true instead of the normal way. I completely agree with what you say about Universal Medicine.
Inspiring to read, and awesome to know that your main and only focus is to be you. We are taught from an early age, of the duty, the respect, the sympathy, etc – so many roles you could take on in such a situation. A great lesson and opportunity for you to hold this truth and a beautiful and true healing for your mother.
Not only being yourself Kim, but in the service of your Mum (and not being selfish). Its an inspiration, and an explanation of how to be with self, but not for self.
True. We need more stories of what it means to truly care for another. Rarely do we hear about how the carer cares for themselves, as we are too busy focusing on the ill person and then how much of a hero or martyr we can be…essentially gaining something from their illness. But here, it’s about how simply caring for oneself can be healing for the person in need of help, as they get met and treated for who they are and not just their illness.
Thank you Kim for sharing so openly your journey with your mother. I recently nursed my mother as she came to terms with having cancer and now am learning more about being me as I visit my father, who has Alzheimers and is now in a loving care home, 3 hours from where I live. I am learning to do that journey with love!
The owner of the care home came to a presentation given by Serge Benhayon and we spent time sharing how we feel about allowing each person their choices. My father wants to die: he is 92 and misses my mother. We listen to him and do what we can to help him be where he is without judgement. He still has a great sense of humour and fun on his good days and his smile can light up the room. Without the help of Universal Medicine and Serge’s presentations, I would have been an emotional basket case, getting caught up in the dramas and emotional attachments which were so much a part of my childhood. I still have my moments of sadness, but now know when I am absorbing and not observing things and can gently bring myself back to me! I feel I am being given the gift of being able to finally be a loving daughter. It is a huge learning process. I am constantly being reminded to stay in the moment.
Life used to feel like a barrel rolling down the hill gathering momentum towards the place where it comes to a crashing stop. Now I can watch it – whereas in the past I would have been caught up in the out of control barrel. My family now includes my fellow students who are amazingly loving and supportive and are there to honestly reflect to me where I am and who I truly am – a big thanks to you all.
Awesome Lorraine.
In my experience with carers of people with dementia and Alzheimer’s, it is the carers that can often have the hardest time and I suspect this is true in many other situations. Being able to observe and not absorb will make a huge difference to how they cope, as taking on the emotions in the situation does not support anyone. Being able to care for themselves first is key. Your experience is very inspiring Lorraine, and very loving.
There are many people caring for those with Alzheimers and this blog shares in a very simple way how important it is to focus on caring for the carer first. Kim your story shows the impact this is having on your Mother, probably much larger than is actually seen now.
Yes Laura, a great point raised here. Some say they develop a ‘thick skin’ and whilst I’ve never worked in this super challenging area of care, I’d say it is a matter of self caring and learning to not absorb more than anything. For numbing in whatever way we do, only hurts both parties more.
Self care in the care industry is absolutely essential to be able to work with out getting completely overwhelmed. It is such a simple tool, and is far from selfish as it has such an impact on all those around you including patients, colleagues and those outside of our working life. It makes a lot of sense that to truly be able to care for others, you must be able to do so for yourself first, and actually do so, not just talk about it.
Thank you Kim for your wonderful post. I particularly loved the part where you said “recognising – ‘ah… that is where I got that from…’” as I have my 84 year old mother staying with us over the Christmas break, and I too have noticed that. Not for blame but just a smile of recognition of how I was and how much I have changed with the help of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon’s talks and retreats… helping me to be the real me! Love it Kim.
It is truly beautiful, Kim, to feel how you “ask nothing” of your mother, that you are just being you. Very humbling, thank you.
That struck me too Victoria, it’s such an amazing feeling when you are ill and the people around you just love you without judging you, or wishing you were different. I find it allows a much deeper acceptance in myself, that introduces a much truer form of healing.
I agree Meg. Our own needs and demands of others, in whatever form and however subtle, do not allow another the grace and space of their own healing (or at least they contribute to making it all the more difficult). True loving understanding is something that I’ve come to appreciate as one of the greatest things we can offer another, whatever may be going on for them.
Very very well said, our own impatience and needs do not allow another the grace and space to choose their own healing and their own timing of that healing, and true loving understanding never asks a person to move faster than they are able to, it simply holds them and allows them the space to come to it in their own time.
Yes, agreed Meg. And if we find ourselves imposing demands upon another (that are unreasonable), it is always worth a deeper look within, to assess where we may place unreasonable expectations and pressures upon ourselves, that we are then projecting outwardly. When we are driven by the seeking of certain outcomes in life, the most uncomfortable thing can be to be in the presence of someone who is not so…
Great observations and reflections – thanks for sharing your experiences Kim.
It is great that you are able to share with your mother all you are, simply by being you in her presence. I can think of no greater gift we could offer another.
I totally agree here. Give her your all, as for her and anyone, this is the greatest support we can offer.
Awesome, Kim! You have explained so many things most people have done in various forms and to different extents in childhood to cope and to try and make sense of what is going on around them. How lovely is it for your mother to have you back in her life, and for you to know “‘I can be me anywhere, with anyone and all the time’, and I learned how to live that all-ways… in joy”. WOW!
Thank you for the insight into how you share your life with someone that is suffering from Alzheimer’s…
Thank you Kim for sharing.
Kim, I’m inspired by your choice to go back home to help your mother. My mother died last year of what they think was a heart attack but she also had Alzheimer’s disease, and was at the stage where she was not in control of her bodily functions at all so needed a lot of care of which my father undertook. Upon reading your story I cried… cried when I realised I wasn’t brave enough to really throw myself into what was happening with my mother and take the opportunity to really know my mother from a deeper true place, and perhaps re-imprint some old patterns and ways of being that I thought were who I was and then acted out with her.
Running away from my responsibility to choose to live a truer version of myself, isn’t cutting it for me and it hasn’t been for a while now, and life has been starting to show me that on a regular basis these days. So thank you Kim – as your story has led me to an awareness that was there but ignored for too long… it’s time to really see the world/my world and choose to not hide away, stay with me and who I know myself to be, and go from there.
What an amazing opportunity to return to the family home and live with your mother, observing yourself and having an understanding of exactly what is going on. The other beautiful thing about this article is that it demonstrates that Universal Medicine encourages us to be living our lives wherever that may be, and to use its presentations to support this and those we may be around. It is a big job to care for someone with Alzheimer’s, as your sister-in-law knows. I also know as my grandmother lives in a locked ward with Alzheimer’s.
I care for my mother who has a terminal cancer. My siblings shared with me recently that they had observed how when I am around, mum becomes more gentle, tender, understanding and not so demanding, moody and at times even rude. They suggested that this could be because of how I am with her – gentle, patient and understanding. Sadly, I have not been like this before coming across Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon’s teachings. On the contrary – if mum shouted I would shout back even louder, doors slamming, name calling, the lot. 😉 From personal experience, I now know that the behaviour of others towards us is hugely (if not completely) influenced by the way we are towards others.
Caring for sick elderly can be quite challenging – which my brother, my sister and I have been experiencing. I continue to keep reminding myself and my siblings that it is within us to influence how mum is with us especially during her illness, not by trying to change her (even if that were possible), but by focusing on how we are with ourselves and by taking even greater care of us so that we are better ‘equipped’ to attend to mum’s current, greater needs.
Yes Dragana, I feel it is great to meet and accept each person where they are at.
I agree Kim to meet and let someone in without our walls of protection seeking security and from there accept where they are at ,comes understanding and appreciation with great love for another person , we all seem to be doing our best where we are at.
Very interesting Dragana… a question of you staying steady and her coming to your level, rather than getting dragged into her drama. Its a lesson for us in every relationship.
I love what has been shared by draganabrown as well as simonwilliams8. Staying steady is the most loving level of support we bring to those we care for. It is this steadiness that supports them to not feel judged when they are dealing with the effects of illness and disease.
Your thought is very useful, you wrote: “I continue to keep reminding myself and my siblings that it is within us to influence how mum is with us especially during her illness, not by trying to change her (even if that were possible), but by focusing on how we are with ourselves and by taking even greater care of us so that we are better ‘equipped’ to attend to mum’s current, greater needs..” This should be taught e.g. at school – can you imagine how naturally nurturing and carrying we all would be . . . wunderbar (wonderful).
I agree esteraltmiks, we are all we need to be in just being present and standing in the love we are. A Beautiful gift to your mum Kim, to have you with her through what can be a difficult time. Opportunities for healing for all.
Gorgeous draganabrown, and plays out in all aspects of our lives, the way we are with babies, with pets, with our colleagues, people in the supermarket. To always be aware of how we are and to not impose on others has incredible effects…
To not expect anything from them, and to just be with them is the way to go. If they are grumpy, rude or anything else it is then up to us to not take it personally or get ourselves in the way or take it personally. That part, the reaction, is our responsibility.
Very key point Rosie, it is up to us not to take another’s reaction personally. Without us reacting and feeding it they will get over it much faster. Life is so simple then… 💚
Awesome Dragana and Kim. To just be ourselves is key. This is a profound statement as I daily go deeper with its understanding and what it really means. Thank you both for all your have shared.
Inspiring to read accounts like these that are the opposite of the stress and burnout that many carers report.