by Carmel Reid, Somerset UK
I recently wrote a blog¹ about Prosopagnosia (Face Blindness). There were some great comments that inspired me to ponder further on how much we do or don’t make eye contact. I have been playfully experimenting with REALLY looking into people’s eyes and it has been truly revealing.
In a SKYPE conversation when the camera is just away from a person’s face, it’s tricky – you either look at them on the screen or at the camera, it’s impossible to do both at the same time, so you never actually make full eye contact.
A short time ago, I was chatting with my son, who is 30 and has Moebius Syndrome – you can read his amazing blog and see pictures in the link at the end of this article². He was born with Cranial Nerves VI and VII (6 and 7) not working, so he has no facial expression – can’t move his lips and smile, can’t frown, and has difficulty blinking. He also has a squint. He can make his eyes look at you but that gives him a bit of a scary look. I explained to him that when I talk to someone with a squint I try to discern which eye is looking at me and talk to that one.
As our conversation developed, I began to realise just how much I tend to focus vaguely on a person’s face or I lip read rather than eye-read. Since then I have noticed more and more just how much I do this. As a child I couldn’t see faces, as my eyes were so short sighted, everything was out of focus, so I guess I never bothered to change that. I am, however, very good at reading body language, being very alert to subtle signals, and can recognise people from behind just by the way they walk, or even the way they bend over.
A few days after the conversation with my son, I had a similar one with my daughter. She is really good at remembering faces – she’s the one who would always patiently explain to me who was who in a film. Her partner joined in the conversation and said how he likes people to make true eye contact with him and I realised that I had not been. It has been an amazing discovery about my own behaviour.
I used to teach Assertiveness and Confident Communication and would tell people just how important eye contact was, if you wanted to be listened to, and I thought I was pretty good at it. I realise now, that for me it was all about communicating outward, especially when I taught Presentation Skills. Thinking back to how I used to present myself, it was all about commanding their attention and then gauging their reaction to me, so that I could tell if they were interested or not. I wasn’t really feeling them. It was a controlling way of keeping people out. I don’t think I really understood that eye contact is about letting people in. Now, I’m learning to RECEIVE through the eyes. Not just to sense their reaction (judgement, boredom etc.) but to receive WHO THEY ARE. It’s a whole different feeling.
Continuing with my playful experiment, at work in a busy supermarket, I have been gently making direct eye contact with the people who pass through my checkout. It’s been great fun. It may be only for a fleeting moment but I’ve found that some people don’t look at me at all, and some people really smile, as if we’ve made a genuine connection of mutual understanding. Sometimes I catch myself switching on a ‘customer care’ type of smile and people smile back at me politely. I can feel the falseness of that and much prefer to make a simple heart-felt connection with the eyes. It may or may not include a smile, but it feels TRUE.
The other day, there was a baby who looked at me seriously for quite a while, and I looked at her. As soon as I focused on her eyes and we made deep eye contact, with no expectation on my part, she broke out into the most joyful wriggle and beautiful smile, which made us all laugh.
Parents are often telling their children to ‘Smile’ or ‘Say Hello’ and I just say – “I’m getting the STARE – that’s better than any smile”. I find it awesome how babies really look at you, it’s as if they can see deep inside you, to the parts you normally keep hidden from society.
When I look into the eyes of Serge Benhayon or any of the Benhayon family members, they do the same, they really look at me. I found it scary at first, but now I know that what they see is how amazing I am, something I didn’t want to admit to because I was hanging onto my identity of not being good enough.
Now I can enjoy the eye contact, knowing that what they see, even though I still can’t always feel it, is truly who I am. I can allow myself to feel the joy they reflect, and the fun that I can have being ALL OF ME.
I’m still playing with my little experiment, while chatting with friends and everyone I meet, knowing that I can look into their eyes with confidence, and that I can choose to allow them in.
Sometimes it still feels a little scary, and sometimes it feels amazing. When I truly focus, there’s a feeling of gentle calmness, and then, just like with that baby, a giggle bubbles up from deep inside.
¹ My Blog on Prosopagnosia: Who are the People behind these Beautiful Faces
² My Son’s Story: Russell Briggs – The Many Faces of Moebius Syndrome
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Learning to see rather than look opens you us to receive what is being reflected back to you.
I often feel that when sharing eye contact with someone, be it someone I know or a someone I am meeting for the first time, a great sense of familiarity and equalness that warms my heart with appreciation and confirmation that our Soul is who we are.
Connecting and feeling our body is completely open to receive, then eye contact feels completely natural.
I agree, Adele and when I catch myself avoiding eye contact with another person, it makes me ask myself why? What am I avoiding?
The baby stare – I love that too!! It’s so good when it can take place without the child’s parents intervening because they think their child might be bothering you – though most let babies be (babies are generally too gorgeous to ever be stopped from being the bundles of love they are!). When a child’s a bit older that stare can come loaded with other things, prompted by a developing human spirit, but at infant stage it is truly delightful.
I love connecting with babies like you describe, and interesting how they respond, ‘ As soon as I focused on her eyes and we made deep eye contact, with no expectation on my part, she broke out into the most joyful wriggle and beautiful smile, which made us all laugh.’
The eyes tell us all we need to know about a person, they really are a window to the soul. So why do we find it hard to truly receive what is in front of us? Perhaps it’s because we will see the truth that so many are living far less than the love they are…
Ha ha oh yes, I recognise that one! It is great when our friends reflect our behaviour back to us that is so different from what we think we are doing. For me it’s in my voice, when I go into my ‘efficiency’ mode, my voice goes hard. And eye contact maintained can feel very scary for an audience just as much as the speaker because they can really feel from our whole body what we are saying. Our bodies say it all really!
I was on the tube just yesterday and thinking how eerie it felt to step onto a carriage where almost everyone was trying their best to avoid an eye contact and staring at their mobile phone, a book, mid-air… anything but the eyes of fellow passengers. As much as we craved connection, we were opting for disconnection because we might be rejected/judged or fearful that we might upset others. You describe so beautifully what it is to allow ourselves to see and be seen and how that is supported by the knowing how amazing we are – which is very much worth sharing with the world.
‘Opting for dis-connection’ yes, we are actively choosing to dis-connect from ourselves and from everybody around us, which is the opposite of the natural Brotherhood we come from, so we are all exhausting ourselves in our choices to live separate lives.
I too are going to take note of how much I can hold eye contact with another and receive them by letting them in. I did not make strong eye contact in the past due to others did not want to be seen however, I realized it was I that did not want to be seen. Now, it is a healing for me to show myself in full weaknesses and All.
A great blog Carmel – I love meeting people through our eye contact together, there is something deeply expansive about just being there without any anxiousness about being seen in full, without perfection, dominance or feeling less than being necessary.
This is true, Stephanie, it is the anxiousness that causes us to avoid seeing and being seen – we are anxious about other people’s reactions to us and automatically make ourselves smaller, but not looking hurts – I can feel that intensely now.
This is awesome Carmel. I find it impossible not to meet a person’s eyes when I am speaking with them and have observed in myself what comes up if the looking into someone’s eyes lasts for longer that a fleeting connection. When we step into greeting someone with a hug, I have also observed that it is very easy to avoid connecting with the eyes. There is so much to be felt when connecting with the eyes, if we are truly ready to be met with all of who we are as you mentioned – ‘Sometimes it still feels a little scary, and sometimes it feels amazing’. Depending on how we feel, so much can be exposed in this simple choice.
Eye contact is interesting in close relationships too, especially when we feel challenged by someone, we avoid talking about things and we avoid direct confrontation through avoiding eye contact, but it’s like shutting someone out when we refuse to look into their eyes.
I love what you are writing here Carmel and particularly precious is when you say “I’m getting the STARE – that’s better than any smile”. I very much agree, we are so focused on smiles as we consider them as friendly faces but when a smile is not genuinely felt and smiled there is nothing to smile about and besides we can smile with our whole being with no ‘mouth action’ required.
On reading your blog today Carmel I am aware of, at times, my lack of eye contact and connection. Today I will start my own experiment of being consciously present, connecting to me and making eye contact with everyone I meet; coupled with a simple loving smile. Thank you for your wisdom Carmel.
This is a gorgeous reminder Carmel, when we are open to making eye contact with others it’s a beautiful way to deepen our connection by allowing ourselves to be truly seen – total transparency.
I was really blown away with the way you describe a baby’s gaze. It’s absolutely true – babies do look at you as though they can see who you really are. The responses of babies are not usually calculating, they let you know the truth of how they feel while also showing us all that it is natural for us to see others in full.
Your example with how a baby makes us feel when they really look into our eyes is brilliant and does really capture how it is to be truly met and seen by someone. It also shows many of us as adults don’t do this. We all love it when a baby does it, so why not try it with everyone else too.
Something I have clocked recently is that, if we are all truly equal, then meeting a complete stranger could be the same as meeting an old friend or a family member we see every day – I find that I have a different face for different situations so I am learning to say hello to people as if I know them well already.
I love teaching in primary schools, and having eye contact is so deeply important… it gives the children the opportunity to see who you really are, and that what you are bringing is true and worthwhile, and fun!
To receive someone, to truly let them in, that’s now always something I do, and reading this today I was struck by this that you offer ‘it was all about commanding their attention and then gauging their reaction to me, so that I could tell if they were interested or not. I wasn’t really feeling them. It was a controlling way of keeping people out.’ This I can see very well, often I’m not truly interested in the other and I’ve been slightly shocked recently to realise that though I love people I do not always let them in, so I will experiment with receiving them as they are, and allowing myself to be seen by them.
Great sharing Monica. I have noticed that although I make a lot of eye contact I am often using it in order to work out where someone else is at in order to protect myself. There are volumes of things we can read in the eyes of another within seconds but the messages we receive will always be a result of our state of being.
I don’t think I really understood that eye contact is about letting people in. I understand now why I avoided eye contact with people was because I was keeping them at a safe distance, still in protection and in hiding and not wanting to share myself. These days I love to share myself and I love to be with and connect with others, and there is nothing to do but just be myself….
Truly meeting people with our eyes and holding the gaze without backing away – I find this quite uncomfortable at times to really allow myself to be seen, and to really see others, but it’s a gift – connection, an expansion and a spaciousness – when I allow it.
This is true, Fumiyo, I have just moved countries and in attending a recent event observed how often I was looking for recognition from people I know. It’s not about avoiding eye contact, but making eye contact with no need, just a simple celebration who we are.
It is amazing to feel how Allowing myself to receive, instead of ‘looking’ into someone’s eyes, surrenders and deepens our connection .
What an awesome thing it is to realise that when a person truly connects with another through their eyes, they see the amazingness of who they truly are. I hadn’t fully appreciated this and had fallen for the belief that says they can see all my unworthiness and the like. A true revelation on eye-contact and true connection. Thank you Carmel.
Very supportive to read today Carmel, I particularly liked this line about eye contact being “to receive WHO THEY ARE”, to meet the essence of the person. I find when I am in my essence and it is shining out then most people automatically connect to theirs and start radiating who they are too. It’s such a simple but beautiful thing to look into each other’s eyes, and to show who we are in full through our own. Very healing and very powerful.
I love the concept of letting people in to receive who they are, there is no doubt that eye contact is a truly beautiful way to meet another in truth and connection.
Allowing ourselves to read another in full is a skill we all naturally possess but don’t always use consciously. Our own fears can get in the way, so the more we can let go and open up to knowing and being intimate with ourselves, the more we can fully open up to others.
What a revelation! I have always been afraid to look people in the eyes, I get this uncomfortable feeling of “ooo that’s what to intimate”. But only this way we can develop stronger relationships!
Thank you Carmel for a great sharing, what stood out for me was ” Now, I’m learning to RECEIVE through the eyes. Not just to sense their reaction (judgement, boredom etc.) but to receive WHO THEY ARE. It’s a whole different feeling. It can be a joyful moment connecting with each other receiving them through the eyes.
I like how you say that eye contact is about letting people in and that you allow yourself to receive people. This is something we all need to hear that the eyes are not there to have us pick on something we do not like or scan the other but to receive them in full and like wise sharing us in full.
Hi Sandra, yes, we can just look with our eyes and see the outer shell, or we can choose to see and feel deeper. Sometimes it’s hard to name that feeling, but we all experience it, a solid connection, a knowingness, a confirmation of who we are, an acceptance communicated within a few millionths of a second. Absolute Brotherhood.
“I find it awesome how babies really look at you, it’s as if they can see deep inside you, to the parts you normally keep hidden from society.” For me babies are the best teacher ever what it meant to really connect to someone as their openness is absolutely inspiring.
I remember my mother would always look into my eyes when she was either asking me or telling me something of importance and I knew she was reading me to the bone so I had to be totally honest.
When someone really looks at you, they’re seeing and feeling so much more than just our physical features… it’s like they see everything, and you can feel quite vulnerable in that. It’s such a good test as to how open we are and how willing we are to let people see exactly who we are.
Yes Carmel, I love how babies and small children look at you and don’t avoid eye contact and I enjoy these moments of connection – it does make the adults uncomfortable though at times – if they notice it.
Firstly because it is quite an intimate moment with “their” child and secondly it comes with a stillness that is palpable, especially because we are used to everyone immediately talking to the child in a silly or even quite stupid manner – I guess to overcome the awkwardness.
It’s true you can tell when someone looks at you, if they are seeing all of you (like a baby does) or just glancing at the surface. I often find in people’s eyes are unimaginable depths and wonders of the universe – eye to eye contact is phenomenal.
I’ve had the ‘stare’, from babies to, it really does feel like babies see all of me in that moment even if I am not expressing all of me in that moment. What a gift babies give us every-time we get the stare, as so much is silently communicated between the hearts in such moments.
‘ I don’t think I really understood that eye contact is about letting people in’. I didn’t either Carmel, what a great reminder today and is something I also feel to experiment with!
I agree Carmel eye contact is everything. It is interesting that sometimes that I am the one who turns away when I am serving someone in the shop I work in and the customer is looking deep into my eyes. It shows me how I am not really letting people in.
Yes, Kathleen, I still find on occasions that I don’t hold eye contact and I can feel the other person withdraw, almost as if rejected – it makes me realise how holding back my light deprives humanity of my love too.
Carmel I like the distinction you’ve made here that making eye contact is more than just connecting, its letting people in.
I too “ find it awesome how babies really look at you, it’s as if they can see deep inside you, to the parts you normally keep hidden from society”. These days, unlike in the past when I would often do everything possible to avoid eye contact, today I love to do so, especially with babies and young children. I just love the way they really look at you, often very seriously, as they check you out before smiling, or not. As you say Carmel, it doesn’t actually matter if they smile or not, as you have both already connected on another, deeper and more honest level.
Lovely to re read your sharing Carmel and realize there are many ways to connect to each other, the eyes are certainly a very important one. Looking at old photos too it is interesting that the ones I particularly dislike of myself, I realize I am not truly there, in that I mean I am not looking with a genuine smile at the camera. It is more natural to smile at a person with all of me.
Ten years ago when I first met Serge Benhayon it was when we made eye contact that I knew he was seeing who I truly was and that he was seeing what I was choosing not to see. I felt very exposed but now as I have come to appreciate and know for myself who I truly am I can meet him with eye contact and let him in without holding back. The beauty of connection when we freely let people in is divine.
Carmel I love this blog, interesting that I have only read it for the first time now. I still catch myself not making ongoing eye contact with people. It’s crazy really, because when we do, we do see who someone is and it has nothing to do with who we ‘think’ they are. We see the depth of beauty that is within each and everyone of us, we see it all and yet we avoid it like no ones business. I wonder what would happen if we all became aware of the quality of how we breathe combined with eye contact that is about receiving someone, meaning we let them in. Imagine if we all did that for a day?
Looking into peoples eyes feels amazing – we truly connect. I find it hard to talk with people when they are wearing sunglasses as I cant see their eyes…….Learning to feel and read them regardless is a skill I am developing.
Thank you Carmel, I really enjoyed reading your blog, I know what you mean by being stared at by a baby, but I used to feel very uncomfortable when this would happen, feeling they could see into me, like something I was hiding, now that I have claimed more of my loving self, and opened up to letting people in, I can now enjoy the connection when a baby just stares at me.
I love the way you share your understanding that eye contact is about receiving another. I can see their is no room for judgement or protection when we truly want to connect with a other with our eyes as our connection comes from our heart first.
Thank you, Leonne, for reminding me that our connection comes from our hearts first
What a blessing you are Carmel for all those you look into the eyes especially when you work at the checkout of the supermarket and a beautiful inspiration for your colleagues to make their work about people and to not check out from the seemingly boring task they maybe feel they have.
It feels very confirming to look into someone’s eyes, I always feel I have deprived the other of true connection when I haven’t looked into their eyes. Most of the times this happens when I make time more important than people. In fact there is no excuse for not connecting.
I myself always find that I have something running that thinks it is scary to look into people their eyes but it is actually not the reality when I actually do. When I do, it is absolutely the most beautiful thing. Often the connection with the other person is instantly there and I feel we are all the same.
Funny how our thoughts can stop us from doing something so truly joyful such as connecting with our fellow humans
I have done this too monicag2. It can feel very vulnerable to actually make full eye contact sometimes and I particularly have noticed this happens when I am also not fully claiming myself. How can we let another in if we refuse to let ourselves in?
Yes Joshua, that’s exactly it, we’re not with ourselves first when we do this, of course then we can’t quite meet another as we’re cowering within ourselves and not just presenting who we are. It’s a huge difference when we just are there with us, it’s so much easier to meet the world fully, and it’s great to be reminded that the discomfort I feel when I’m doing this is a tell to say ‘where are you?’, like a playful nudge to say be here!
The eyes are the windows of the soul… An ancient saying and yet one that is redolent of truth because when someone truly knows themselves and has that deep connection with the inner heart, the love and the light does indeed shine out of their eyes
Agreed, Chris – you can see it in the Before and After photos of Universal Medicine Students, and you can feel it when you meet people who are truly soul-connected – there is a communication that goes beyond words.
And what’s so lovely Carmel is when we are committed to our hearts and our eyes are alight, that lovely connection can happen with strangers in the supermarket, indeed anywhere… The light recognises the light.
It’s lovely to look into another’s eyes and to feel the depth of connection that is possible and as you say Carmel better to look into another’s eyes without the smile or the intent look of a baby with all it’s honesty than to receive a fake smile.
‘Sometimes it still feels a little scary, and sometimes it feels amazing. When I truly focus, there’s a feeling of gentle calmness, and then, just like with that baby, a giggle bubbles up from deep inside.’ While reading your blog I found myself smiling from inside out more and more. When we truly are looking in someone’s eyes, we meet ourselves in the other. When we shy away it is as if we don’t want to be reminded we are one in love.
To look into my own eyes in the mirror has been a similar experience for me, Carmel. At first I noticed that I would rarely look into my eyes and more so search for imperfections in my face. After meeting Serge Benhayon I started looking into my eyes in the mirror and slowly fell in love.
Heartwarming blog, Carmel, inviting us all to drop our self-worth issues and just let people in by making true eye contact with them, even if they don’t reciprocate. Your piece on giving presentations brought up a recollection that the very first training I had in business for presenting to large groups instructed that we should systematically make eye contact with each person – a matter of seconds was all that was needed – and once done, start going around again. Introduced as an attention-holding tactic, there was not an ounce of being seen or letting people in about it. Merely a strategy for making sure you didn’t lose people along the way. This now feels very false, manipulative and indeed unnecessary, when a different intention behind the eyes can produce a way better connection.
I agree, Cathy, we can learn techniques for presentations that help us to look more confident, but in the end it’s being our natural selves that holds the audience attention.
I remember avoiding looking into people’s eyes as a child, as it took me awhile to feel comfortable enough to give eye contact. That has all changed now and I really enjoy meeting people and making eye contact. It is interesting how many people avoid this at all costs but I hold steady and eventually they can melt and trust enough to make eye contact as well, it is such a simple gesture but a very beautiful and warm way to truly meet another.
Many thanks Carmel for a great blog. Eyes are such fascinating conductors of communication and like you I have been experimenting with giving people direct eye contact and letting them in. It’s quite amazing how much conversation starts to flow when I do this. I loved your comment about babies and their ‘stare’. It’s true – they do really take their time to check us out and if we give them space and time to do this, we are often then greeted with a refreshing openness and joy.
I agree Monicag2, this is a great blog and amazing to read and reflect on how much I make eye contact, which I am realising is actually very little. Thanks for your sharing, this is something I am going to ponder on more and be more aware of in my interactions.
I’ve known about how special eye contact can be for a couple of years now but really in the last few days very being inspired by a music video ‘Sparkling Eyes’ from Heaven’s Joy about eye contact on public transport. I have noticed how quickly I shy away from looking into another’s eyes and the thoughts of ‘something bad will happen’ that was once very strong is loosing it’s grasp. What I am learning is that it’s that togetherness and power I am shying away from but the fact that I am clocking this and slowly repeating and holding my gaze with another. We are all amazing and this is what we are avoiding in our eyes and this is what Serge Benhayon holds so steadily and allows us all to see without wavering.
For a long time I thought I was a people person, always being engaging and interactive with people and would often recieve praise for my people skills. however more recently I’ve been noticing small pockets where it has become so obvious that I block people out. It’s not that I mean to or that I’m not a people person but rather there is always a deeper level to connect to people on and I had become lazy with this development. And for the most part it is great for our own feel development to be genuinely caring and intimate with people.
‘there is always a deeper level to connect to people on’ beautifully said, Luke, and allowing that connection is greatly helped when we approach every encounter with an open heart, with full appreciation for everything we are presented with, understanding that everyone has made different choices that led to where they are now, and that they are equal to us in every way. In this way we can let go of any judgement and be open to all.
Yes!, and being in full awareness of our own past choices that have lead to our current behaviours today…
Somehow, reading your Blog, Carmel, I thought of a female performance artist, who did a performance, that once deeply touched me, when I saw the videos of it. In a big museum she simply sat at a table and every visitor was invited, to sit opposite to her, to then have nothing, but eye contact (without a smile). And many many times it took just a few minutes and people start to melt and they started to cry, deeply touched. I guess from being truly met, and from getting a reflection of their own beauty and through feeling themselves truly, because another person didn’t hide and let them in. So I love your “checkout-performance” very much Carmel. It is so deep and grand, what we can bring and reflect to each other through a true eye-contact and with letting each other in.
Wow Stephanie that must have been an amazing experience for those visitors – I know I find it hard to make true eye contact for any length of time with adults, but it’s very easy with babies because they just look at you with no expectation back. That makes me think about what expectations or needs I may have myself when I look into people’s eyes, looking for confirmation that I’m ok instead of feeling the connection and knowing that I’m more than ok, I’m awesome.
Reading your reply, Carmel, I am pondering on the fact, that there is a smile that doesn’t come from the eye itself, but from the muscles, that are moving our faces. I guess, we are often afraid of these muscles of our counterpart are not expressing truth, while the eye itself (thats my feeling) cant do that. So seeing and feeling this ambivalence can make us feel very uncomfortable and maybe we are overwhelmed from receiving the double message? I feel the eye is revealing truth all the time, while the movement of our face muscles is something we have learned to control (more or less : )) and have learned to interact with each other…. ? Do we feel already the energy arriving that is to be moving the face of our counterpart in the next moment? I think so. What an interesting complexity, if it is about control – and what a beautiful interaction, when it is about connection.
I think it’s beautiful to know that eye contact is about letting people in. I don’t do enough of it.
It is interesting to feel the difference between looking at someone’s face and truly connecting with their eyes. What are we avoiding?
I agree, Cathy, it always feels sad when a small child may be watching me but when I look back and smile they ‘shyly’ look away. What is ‘shyness’? Their reaction makes me ponder on how truly I smiled and what they might have felt in terms of my need for a response from them, but also makes me wonder why they can no longer hold a gaze as they might have done as a baby. We can use eye contact to control people, to dominate, make them feel less, to plead with them, to search for confirmation, there are many ways and intentions, but simply ‘receiving’ what is there to be felt feels a more true way of being.
You have said a lot here, Fumiyo, about how we interact with our environment and the people around us, seeing what we expect or want to see instead of being open to what is.
Lovely blog and definitely one to experiment with but the thing that I relate to this morning was how confronting it can be when someone truly looks at you because ‘I know that what they see is how amazing I am, something I didn’t want to admit to because I was hanging onto my identity of not being good enough’. How exposing it is to be shaken out of the comfort of choosing to feel I am not enough which I can use as an excuse to not participate fully in life and how much I am missing out on because of this. Thank you Carmel for opening my eyes to my own subterfuge.
And what is really lovely is that when a person connects with themselves, their true beauty shines out their eyes, and when you experience this, it is truly beautiful
I really felt this on your recent retreat in the UK, Chris, because each time I made true eye contact with another person, I cried, it’s as if the old habitual dis-connection simply melted away and for the first time in years, I was fully present in my body and it felt beautiful.
Absolutely Chris- this is glorious to see
Some great comments above, thank you – yes it’s great learning to really see and feel strangers we are passing in the street – the next stage is to become aware of just how much we are or can be ‘reading’ them. And yes, Debra, no smiles needed but they will happen when we truly connect.
I love this blog Carmel, and it makes me think about how I connect with people, I do really enjoy having eye contact with the people I walk past every day and it often feels like we share a quiet hello as we pass each other – strangers but not really. No smiles needed but sometimes they happen and thats lovely when they are real.
Beautiful Blog Carmel, Yesterday I connected with a beautiful little three week old baby. We gazed into each others eyes for about 5 minutes.There was no need for anything else, just connecting through the eyes. At three weeks she is not smiling yet, but I could feel her smile through her eyes. I find that eye contact is the strongest form of communication. Little really needs to be spoken.
While reading this blog it dawned on me that the primary purpose of our sight is to look into another’s eyes and see their glorious soul, and everything else that is going on for them. Other uses of sight pale into insignificance compared to the heart felt warmth of eye contact.
I get this ..” I’m learning to RECEIVE through the eyes. Not just to sense their reaction (judgement, boredom etc.) but to receive WHO THEY ARE. It’s a whole different feeling.”
I’m learning to do this to myself first. I have never been one to look at myself in the mirror. Now some days I dare to look a bit longer and feel what’s deep inside and see my soul through the windows of my eyes. Eye contact is a difficult one for me. I’ve preferred to feel peoples energy rather that acknowledge them through eye contact. If I don’t let myself in first how can I ever truly let in another?
Hi Monica, yes, the flitting from one thing to the next is like how I used to be at parties – never truly engaging with another person long enough to get truly let them in. When we stop and feel and when we make true eye contact it feels very welcoming.
I used to feel a little embarrassed to look into the eyes of a stranger, but as I become more aware that we are all one and equal , I don’t have the same fear just a sadness, that at times we ignore each other like we are not there. I feel that in the future we will teach our children to truly see each other. Thank you for your sharing Carmel!
Yes I did too. It was a fear of being rejected in that they may look away or also that it may make them uncomfortable as they know that when I look at them I can see all of them. I have eyes that you can’t lie too.
The feeling of sadness is interesting – could it be sympathy? Yesterday I said hello to someone in the street walking their dogs – head down, as if determined not to be seen. I got a brief grunt in reply and wondered if my saying hello had felt imposing, as I had been determined to make a ‘connection’. Sometimes I try too hard to be ‘nice’ and that’s awful, whereas simply be-ing and walking past can be way less imposing. I need to feel what’s appropriate in each meeting and let go of any attachment to getting a response.
I can relate to what you’re saying Carmel – sometimes it’s just to accept another where they’re at and allow them to be and (for me) not to take it personally but to understand that they may be going through something and simply don’t feel like connecting at that time.
I have a feeling that by my being more aware and making true eye contact with people and reading their eyes not their lips and facial expressions, may actually improve the level that I can communicate with and hear others. Amazing. Great blog Carmel.
Thank you Carmel, the ‘eyes’ definitely have it!
Beautiful blog Carmel, with so much to sit and ponder. I have found my willingness to look someone in the eyes is about connecting with them, but probably more about how willing I am to let them see all of me. When I look at their face more vaguely it is usually because I am holding back and not wanting to be seen in full.
I’ve realised lately that I do make eye contact with people but spend quite a bit of time looking at people’s mouths when they’re talking and wondered if perhaps it had something to do with letting them in and allowing them to see me for whom I am. It was interesting to observe and made me ask the question – is there/what is it I’m avoiding?
Beautiful article Carmen. Connection through the eyes and letting someone in can feel quite vulnerable but it is so beautiful to connect with people this way.
It’s a fascinating subject, eye contact and not one that ever gets as much attention as it perhaps should. It is not something that is taught yet you can see with small children that it is there naturally. Children never shy away from looking at everyone in the eyes. It can be felt much more with adults that there is often a discomfort of making or maintaining eye contact, yet doing so is such a crucial part of communication, if we really wish to see and feel what another person is sharing.
Wonderful and insightful blog Carmel, I also love this too when you look into a baby’s eyes and receive back their stare…then spark of the deepest connection, communicating through the stillness of silence, so very beautiful to experience, absolute joy to behold. Connection through the eyes is home.
Thank you Carmel – I love it!
All you have said feels true, I have also realised how I take for granted being able to see and connect to people and their eyes. I am also learning to receive, rather than impose, “gauging their reaction”, or wanting to see something, and not truly seeing or “receiving” the truth. Wow what a special moment. And also appreciating everything that the Benhayon family bring- and what we are now all choosing also.
Great sharing Carmel. I always looked people into their eyes, but with the time I realized that I could look much deeper and that I was just superficially looking into their eyes. What you say with babies, the depth they look with, that is truly looking into someones eyes. I actually practice this a lot with babies waiting at the cashier in the supermarket, just learning from them how to deeply look at someone.
Thank you for this blog Carmel I deeply appreciate it. There is looking at someone or something where I want to see something, measure it, calculate it to be able to put it in a box so I know how to handle it and then there is more a receiving look, a looking without expectations, just a looking and enjoying the other and receiving this person in full. This lets me sit back in my body and relax and it is like a 360° angle, there is a vastness of what I can feel and are aware of, it is opening a door to the whole universe.
So our eyes are not just a window to the soul, but a door to the whole universe :o)
Thank you Carmel I really enjoyed your blog, it has made me more aware of the receiving, not only looking. In times past I would feel uncomfortable when I would get the baby stare, but that has changed, as I now know I have nothing to hide, just a beautiful me to share. I now enjoy the intimacy of eye contact with another. My husband and I at times do what we call an eye gaze, no words spoken, just time to stop, open up and look deeply into each other , this is very powerful.
There is a lot to be said (or a lot unsaid) when bringing in an awareness of how we feel even when looking into another’s eyes. Thank you Carmel for the reminder that looking into someones eyes and allowing ourselves to be truly seen is more than just eye contact – as I have experienced and over time accepted and started to become comfortable looking at people in the eyes more. Previously I would have just walked down the street with my sole focus on the ground or while speaking to others focusing on my screen or continuing the task I am doing without fully letting them in. I may be giving more eye contact more than ever now but there is still a feeling of hollowness between us, am I just looking them in the eye to tick a politeness box or truly allowing myself to see what is there to be seen?
Eye contact is a big subject and there are many people that find it very difficult. I am generally good at eye contact in a way of not being scared to look into someones eyes but when I am talking directly to them I find if I am talking then I will look away because looking straight at their eyes, I find I forget what I am saying because looking into their beautiful eyes is something I would begin to focus on more so then what I am saying. In these cases I will look away a couple of times at least.
So gorgeous to read Carmel. I love how you say you were “hanging onto my identity of not being good enough.” And boy or boy aren’t we all good at that … If we just let go we just might fall into our awesomeness! How glorious would that be?
I enjoyed reading your blog Carmel, I remember as a child I stopped looking into adult’s eyes cause I was reading too much pain and sadness and it was hard to feel at a young age. When I was older I was able to connect with people’s eyes and let them in, it is interesting how some dart their eyes away cause it is too much or the lovely feeling when you connect deeply with another’s eyes. Thank you Carmel for this beautiful reminder and the power we all have to truly let others in with our eyes.
This is a gorgeous blog Carmel. The eyes and making eye contact can reveal so much. I also can feel at times, as you have shared, to just to feel the beauty and depth of the connection through eye contact is all that is needed, no words or gestures necessary. I am aware that I when I am feeling fragile I find making eye contact more challenging. But as I have begun to appreciate and enjoy, more and more, the sweetness of my tenderness I have discovered how beautiful it feels to let people in to see and share all of me.
Thanks for your blog Carmel. It’s a great reminder of how beautiful it is that ,without a word being spoken, we can let people in through eye contact.
Your blog has made me more aware of all the different ways and reasons why we make eye contact Carmel. Recently I have been blessed with a beautiful grandson in my life, and he has this very long stare, really holding eye contact beyond what we feel is “comfortable” in day-to-day interactions. I love staying with him in this way, just connecting with our eyes, and it does feel like he can feel everything and connect at a soul level.
wow Bernadette, that feels yummy!
Carmel it has been an honour to read your articles on Prosopagnosia and eye contact – they have allowed me a glimpse into a world I had no awareness of and one that really made me ponder on the power of truly seeing people and being seen and what that means. Thank you for sharing these truly amazing blogs, they were a pleasure and a blessing to read.
Thank you Samantha – the prosopagnosia (face blind) is an interesting one – I still find I avoid eye contact if I am with someone who clearly knows me and I can’t remember who they are – I feel stupid and embarrassed. I recently attended an event with over 350 people and I asked the same person their name three times in the same day! During the event we all changed seats for group work exercises and one time the person next to me hadn’t changed and I still asked her name! It really makes me aware of how I am when I meet new people and how I can find ways to recall who they are later.
Great blog Carmel. I can feel the authenticity in what you have shared. As I got older and more confident I started to use eye contact a lot, but one thing I have become more aware of in the last year or so is how it feels when I make eye contact with a defence or a guard and when I do it from a completely open heart, allowing my own beauty to shine, as I see the beauty in the other person. When I make eye contact and it’s with defence and guard, the back of my eyes feel very rigid and hard (like they’re gripping on) whereas when I make eye contact where my heart feels open – there is a tenderness I feel behind my eyes and there is no hardness.
What we do with the eyes, how we use them is truly interesting. In general, eyes are an amazing tool of defence. We use them to avoid making eye contact. We are truly masters in using them. It is a bit like we are using them to hide or conveniently reveal from and to the world. One thing is for sure, when using them to present yourself as an equal and to hold the others and let them in is a truly beautiful feeling. So, thank you Carmel!
Eduardo I have felt recently just how much, even though I am looking at a person, I am still somewhat guarded and don’t make deep eye contact. When I make a true connection – wow – it feels very powerful and can bring me to tears, which is perhaps why I avoid it.
Lovely writing Carmel, eye contact is such an important part of everyday. I can notice the difference between when I make fleeting customary eye contact and when I choose to look at the person by engaging their eyes with an openness. The difference is extraordinary and I can often now catch myself when I am not really feeling when I am looking, and when I am allowing for everything to be felt.
Eye contact is sometimes very beautiful, but I noticed that when it feels a bit awkward I am not truly connected and not open to let that person in.
I really enjoyed what you have written here Carmel as I can so clearly see that the way I have been looking at people (or not looking at people) has come from my own need, rather than receiving who they are. I felt this the other day when looking at a baby and could feel my own need, instantly I dropped back and just allowed myself to feel the baby and it shifted so much – it was quite a beautiful moment of connection. I am realising too how much this has been about not letting others in and I am beginning to feel the more I am me, really emanating me, that this need to be recognised fades and I can truly connect and let others in.
Hi Jade, I love the way you write about allowing yourself to drop back and feel and letting others in and emanating you at the same time so they can feel all of you. A true two-way connection.
It is amazing what you get then- sometimes a look back, a true connection look back, sometimes someone totally ignoring you. Next step is for me to allow myself to feel it all, no matter what is coming back.
Hi Steffi – yes, this is great fun to do and awesome when you get a true connection. I am learning to feel and appreciate, not judge when they don’t look back, because I know they can feel me too, even if they are avoiding making eye contact.
It is interesting I am reading your blog now – I realized I want to work on holding a look in others peoples eyes recently – very consciously and open. It is sometimes nanoseconds, when we avoid this. Walking down the street and really showing me in looking in others peoples eyes – this is the more important part for me – not only receiving and looking but showing me in full in keeping and having the eye-contact.
It’s interesting walking down the street and seeing who makes eye contact and who appears to be lost in their own world. That makes me wonder if I am looking outside of myself for a result of some kind. Sometimes when I’m in a large gathering of people I know, I try to make eye contact and realise that it is me needing recognition, instead of allowing connections to happen naturally. There is so much to explore and reveal about ourselves through the simple act of making or not making eye contact!
Ouch Carmel I can relate to trying to make eye contact for recognition and how forced this feels because it’s all about me and as if I am making a deal with someone I will open up if you prove to me that you are a safe person.
Yes, we like to feel safe with people and miss out on a lot walking about so guarded. I recently visited a local town carnival and as the Carnival Queens rode by on their beautifully decorated lorry, you could see that their smiles were fixed – they’d obviously been told to smile and wave at the crowds, but there was no feeling of connection. There weren’t many people standing where I was and I made eye contact with one and spoke directly to her – she instantly connected and her smile was gorgeous for a brief moment before moving on and returning to the glazed look.
Such a great blog Carmel. I have slight hearing difficulty so I grew up ‘lip reading’ to try to understand what people were saying. As I’ve developed my relationship with myself – and in turn heightened my sense of awareness – I now make full eye contact with people and understand everything that they are saying by meeting them, and feeling what they are saying. It is such a beautiful way to let people in and to connect with them, I wonder how I went so many years without it! I love this point that you have made – “I find it awesome how babies really look at you, it’s as if they can see deep inside you, to the parts you normally keep hidden from society.” – so very true.
I watched a beautiful short the other day about people who were asked to look into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The results were breathtaking, as you got to see and feel the change in them all as their connection with themselves and each other grew and blossomed. The same goes for even a couple of seconds, but we are so unaccustomed to looking at each other directly that it has become uncomfortable and seems unnatural to do so.
that’s amazing Carmel. Looking deeply into someones eyes is a lovely way to truly understand them
Thank you Carmel, and yes it does make a difference to the quality of connection with another if there is eye contact. I notice how when someone does not look at me at all I can be drawn into turning away too but I am learning to choose connection no matter what.
Great experiment Carmel. Looking into someone’s eyes when talking to them is an amazing truth detector. Looking into a child’s eyes and how deep the knowing connection is, is just magic and the quizzical look you often get from mothers to see what has transfixed the look of their child.
Lovely blog Carmel. Before attending Universal Medicine workshops and meeting Serge Benhayon, it hadn’t occurred to me that I might not be looking at others when I was talking to them. Sure, I looked in their direction, but rarely did I make genuine eye contact and allow them in. Putting it into practice has been a wonderful experience and added so much more to my communication with others (verbal and non verbal).
This is a beautiful article Carmel. So true what you say about babies unreservedly looking straight at you, taking it all in. It is such a joy when another receives you fully and allows you in to see them, a meeting that can communicate so much in a passing glance or a steady gaze… more than words will ever do. I find if I am not feeling totally with myself it is more difficult to look directly at someone else, it is like they become a truth reflector. Perhaps that explains the difficulty we can have in making eye contact, we are not meeting ourselves in that moment?
Good point, Victoria, when we don’t make eye contact it is often because we make ourselves feel less in that moment – slightly unsure and hesitant. Feeling who we are fully, with confident presence, and then feeling another and letting them in, is an amazing thing to do.
What a fun and awesome experiment. I’ve been noticing how people often look at me in the eyes for quite a while- I’ve been noticing and experimenting with my uncomfortable-ness in holding that gaze and sharing it as well (when it’s just passing by or meeting from across the room). It seems as though there is an unspoken law as to how long people look at each other in the eyes. Though this is now slowly changing for me and I love noticing how beautiful and captivating everyone’s eyes are. I often want and sometimes do tell customers that I meet how lovely their eyes are when I am serving them. It’s a beautiful thing to notice.
Recently at work, a colleague met my eyes with an absolute and uncompromising gaze.
Beautiful Carmel. I know what you mean about looking at someone’s face when speaking to them and not looking into their eyes, I find myself doing that sometimes, and it was only this week that I realised I was looking at someone’s teeth when they were talking to me! It can be a little confronting to look into someone’s eyes and not everyone feels comfortable with that. I am making a conscious effort to look at people in the eye, and you are right, some people avoid eye contact completely, either that or they blink a lot and look away frequently. I know that if I am talking to someone and they don’t look at me I feel that I am not important enough for their full attention, either that or they are hiding something! I have tried the “receiving with the eyes” and it feels a much more gentle way of looking at someone, just like a baby does. They do seem to be taking it all in when they look at you, don’t they. It FEELS different.
It is interesting to note that the more I feel connected to myself and feel lovely on the inside, the more I find I am making eye contact with others. It can be a very intimate and lovely experience. Thank you for sharing Carmel.
Such a beautiful sharing Carmel. To recognise love within a another’s eyes is so beautiful. If we don’t look we will miss the opportunity to see it and reflect it as well.
I too have noticed that sometimes I make ‘real’ eye contact and there are other times I seem to glance over. When that happens (a glance over) I feel I am not truly connecting and appreciating myself and as a result I experience that other people are distanced from me – but it is me not choosing Me.
Yes, letting people truly in by looking at them that is indeed quite a challenging experiment you are introducing here and it is good you are making the point to keep it playful. It is exposing how often I avoid eye contact and how much it stirs up in me when I allow myself to do so. But it is a very beautiful way to connect and I wonder why I don’t allow myself to have that more often?
Reading your article I realize I have experience of different levels of eye contact as well: none at all, briefly glancing, looking to gage the other person’s response, looking while being open to be seen, being open with my heart and eyes to receive the other person fully for who they are. I find it interesting how each level I choose so accurately reflects how I feel about myself at the time.
Its all there in our eyes. I’m going to pay extra attention to this after reading your article Carmel.
Beautiful!
I have found that through the years a lot of my communication has been defensive, worrying about the reaction of the other person, which has left little time for a proper connection. Looking into the eyes has a very powerful quality. When we do this a smile does not need to be forced, it is just either there or it isn’t.
‘When I look into the eyes of Serge Benhayon or any of the Benhayon family members, they do the same, they really look at me. I found it scary at first, but now I know that what they see is how amazing I am, something I didn’t want to admit to because I was hanging onto my identity of not being good enough.’
And when I look in their eyes I see their divinity and I get reflected back my own divinity.
Way back in the past at the age of seventeen, whilst walking in London from Fenchurch Street Station to my Office in Liverpool Street against the throng of Chartered Accountants and Bank Executives all clad in the same uniform of white shirt, dark grey suit, navy blue tie, shiny black shoes, black bowler hat, briefcase and umbrella, I used to play a game to see how many people I could make eye contact with. Three a day was the best I ever did. I soon learnt that despite all the thousands of people everyone did their very best to avoid eye contact at all cost. It wasn’t really until I started doing the work with Universal Medicine that I re-learned that it was okay to make eye contact and how intimate and amazing it is. Thank you Serge Benhayon.
Hi Nick – what a great experiment and observation! Yes, it’s interesting how much people avoid eye contact. I sometimes play games on the underground escalators and make eye contact with people going the other way – a few smile back, others you can see the puzzlement on their faces (Do I know this person?). There’s almost an unwritten rule on crowded tube trains that no-one makes eye contact with anyone they don’t know, but I love looking around and seeing the diversity that is gathered there! Even in the country town where I live now, many people avoid eye contact, but, as you say, it feels amazing when they do.
Hi Carmel, This comment reminds me of a time many years ago that a friend and I wore bright orange Pippi Long-stocking wigs on the tube (train) as an experiment to see if anyone would make eye contact. 99% studiously avoided it and only one person out of hundreds connected with us. The unwritten rule prevailed. I love looking at and appreciating the diversity too and those connections through the eyes – magic.
Love to re-read your blog Carmel, and feel the lightness and the fun aspesct you bring. I can so feel the sweet and bubbly little girl at play…. just gorgeous Carmel you are!
Eye contact is an interesting topic on many levels…for me I have often liked eye connect, but I feel I used to use it a lot to gauge someones feelings and the truth of what they were saying, rather than try connecting with them. I do look in peoples eyes to connect now and it is an amazing experience, it sort of feels like it opens up the world, life becomes spacious rather than restricted by time..and there is a true joy with simply connecting with another.
Hi Samantha – I love the way you describe life as becoming spacious when you connect with another – it is truly a timeless thing we experience, I agree.
I so enjoyed reading this blog Carmel – and today I will be connecting to the world with my eye contact – and having some fun.
For years I used to find it uncomfortable to look people in the eyes and found it excruciating during an job interview but now I find that the more I am willing to hold eye contact the more solid I feel, but it never occurred to me that I was letting people in.
Then the other day I went to the supermarket and noticed that I didn’t want to make eye contact with a till worker who I have spoken to on many occasions, which is unusual for me, especially these days. So this is a good indicator of how I am feeling and it is a very noticeable one. Your sharing has been very helpful, thank you Carmel.
Hi Julie, yes, I agree, when I’m feeling low or out of sorts, I avoid making eye contact with people, it’s as if I’m hiding, not wanting to be seen, or not wanting to be reminded that I really am beautiful and amazing.
Thank you Carmel for this beautiful sharing, it means so much to read it and feel all you are saying and feeling too. Eyes and eye-contact with everyone has always been so important to me and this is increasing all the time as I allow myself to be more open and thus receive more. Very Joyful and amazing!
Thank you, Carmel. A great reminder of how much more powerful and real it is to look at another’s eyes when you are meeting them. It can communicate what cannot be said in words. Thank you Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, in supporting me in changing my life to a more truthful and loving one.
So true that making eye contact can communicate what cannot be said in words. At times I am amazed with the power of even the momentary eye contact when I walk past someone in the street. There is a moment of recognition, and acknowledgement of brotherhood, it brings a smile and leaves me with a feeling of warmth and joy. This article is a great reminder about the power of eye contact in our every day interactions and noticing when I bring in thoughts and beliefs that get in the way of being open with the other person.
I don’t think I really understood that eye contact is about letting people in. Now, I’m learning to RECEIVE through the eyes. Not just to sense their reaction (judgement, boredom etc.) but to receive WHO THEY ARE. It’s a whole different feeling. A beautiful reminder, Carmel!
Hi Jacquie, yes, judgment really does get in the way – whether it’s us expecting to be judged by another, or us judging them, either way, it is lovely to let go of all that and truly receive each other in that moment of connection through the eyes.
I love this blog Carmel! I agree looking into someone’s eyes is amazing, you can’t help seeing how amazing they are.
I keep coming back to the comment about children not playing the game and not smiling back if they feel our smile is false – a little girl the other day looked at me earnestly and I broke into my ‘pleasant’ smile and her facial expression didn’t change at all, she carried on looking at me seriously, no way was she going to play that game, she was just being herself, which was a beautiful reflection that in that moment I had stopped being myself. Children can feel our light – why try to hide it?
Beautiful Carmel, I love what you wrote in your blog and here. We truly meet another when we look into their eyes and allow ourselves to been seen. For me it is the foundation for connection. And yes, children are the most amazing reflections in so many ways. Their eyes say it all.
A very interesting and exposing observation. Rarely do we take the time to look deep into one’s eyes, even to our loved ones. It does require huge sensitivity and there is a feeling of nervousness and vulnerability as we are so not used to doing it. But as you say, what a pity because all we are really missing out on is the opportunity to see people in their gorgeousness for who they really are, not just what they present or look like.
I love the insights and observations that you have shared Carmel. I have realised and can feel how important true eye contact is and this feels like a real sharing when I choose to open up and allow this. For some they only look away, but when and if a connection is made the moment feels beautiful. Thank you 🙂
Loving your blog as usual, Carmel… Very true and exposing what you reveal here… I love chatting with babies, you get so much more truth out of their eyes than most adults! Which is a shame…. Why is the world such that we have to harden and hide behind our masks, pretty sad really! Learning to let people in through my eyes is something that’s been mentioned in passing but I’ve never really given it a go…. I shall do this today and let you know how I get on!
Thanks for this blog Carmel, it gave me a lot to consider, particularly about ignoring the feelings I have when I look in someone’s eyes and how there is so much there to be felt if I let myself. Your writing about this is fantastic to read, very captivating.
Thank you Jonathan, Rebecca and Jody, I have come to realise lately that there is a deeper level I can take this to in terms of truly allowing myself to feel another person. I recently had a meeting with a young lady whom I find particularly inspiring. I hadn’t seen her for a few months and as soon as I walked in the room, I could feel how beautiful and how amazing she is. There was a response in my body I can’t fully explain, but it made me smile, it’s as if it was waking me up to my own beauty. True ‘wow’ factor.
It’s amazing what you can feel, just by looking into someone eyes and letting people in. I’ve been very aware of this lately.
I love reading your blogs Carmel, they are so playful, it’s great the way you have been experimenting with eye contact and letting people in. I have noticed that if I’m feeling calm and present that I really enjoy taking a moment to look into the eyes of the person working behind the checkout and that it feels lovely to have this connection, even if we haven’t spoken much as I’ve been packing up my shopping. To have the momentary look into someones eyes with an openness and letting people in feels beautiful.
I so enjoy your writing Carmel!! I seem to remember my parents’ generation saying
something like, “The eyes are the mirror of the soul” or something like that.
It’s a fascinating notion that our eyes are a portal to the inner US and that if two
people “lock on” via this portal, then their vital innermost selves can exchange
intimate and sensitive data. Perhaps this explains why eye contact is sometimes
avoided. There may be a fear of “getting involved”, and your customers at the checkout
could be just checking out of any social contact with you, in case it derails their
self-imposed hectic schedule.
Finally, your comment above about chewing gum has a certain resonance with me.
To our eyes, the bovine act of exaggerated chewing seems to be at odds with anything
sensitive, like the sharing of intimacy for example. There’s a kind of uncomfortable
juxtaposition about it, like proposing marriage while sitting on the lavatory for example!
The two actions are so mutually contradictory, that they seem to cancel each other out.
Hence your feeling of discomfort while observing an ostensibly caring moment.
Hi Gill, your words reminded me of a recent workshop where I observed a couple sitting in front of me who were gazing into each others’ eyes with deep love. She was chewing gum at the time and I could hear my criticism of her in my head – it sounded so much like my mother’s voice of disgust about chewing gum that it made me reflect – I was observing a truly loving relationship and was feeling uncomfortable. I can see that looking out with judgement is a way of avoiding being intimate with others and seeing / feeling what is truly there.
Hi Carmel, this is a wonderful blog that you wrote 18 months ago and I’ve only read it for the first time today. I have realised over the past few weeks my habit of looking at some people’s mouths when they speak, rather than their eyes, even within my family. I was watching one of my sons with his girlfriend in a new relationship and saw how they looked into each others eyes a lot as they talked. It was also picked up in a session with a Universal Medicine practitioner , and it’s a great realisation that I have been avoiding intimacy. Now I am starting to hold my eye contact with everyone and it does feel very lovely but sometimes a little exposing, depending how I am at the time. It makes me smile that i didn’t realise my own patterns of behaviour until they were pointed out to me.
Truely looking into a persons eyes is a relationship changing experience. I once did a workshop were we were asked to pair off at random and sit close together and gaze into the other persons eyes. I had never met the man, but afterwards I felt a bond with him ,that I still feel today. The connection, without saying a word, was amazing, deeper than with many friends I have known for years.
Hi Ken, yes, I often found those exercises tricky, and my eyes would flick around, but I am learning to be more steady and, as you say, the connections we make feel amazing. When I am feeling low, I tend to avoid eye contact but choosing to look another in the eyes can be a truly uplifting experience.
And just to update you on my progress, I have observed that, even with close friends, I look just below the eyes and then it’s a surprise when I look up and we make true eye contact. I find it hard to hold the eye contact for long, but I’m getting more relaxed with it. And with people who come to my checkout till at work, I always look at everyone who’s there,(sometimes whole families or groups of friends) – some make eye contact and some avoid it altogether. The ones I love are those who clearly enjoy it and respond with a merry twinkle back.
Thanks for the update Carmel – I really liked your blog and loved reading how you are still developing this.
Thank you for all these great comments!
Excellent observation about babies. I agree they really do let people in! The calm and continuous gaze is amazing.
Thanks for sharing your story, it’s an amazing awareness to have, and the difference in how we see others and ourselves is so important. How could we ever have a war if we always let people in and were prepared to see their amazingness first before anything else?
Thank you Carmel for your wonderful post. I loved how you shared the bit about focusing on one eye, as I have always had some degree of trouble with looking people in the eyes – I would find that I could only focus on one eye at a time and then flick back and forth between the two, or looking at both would be blurry. Usually I would look someone in the eye when I spoke to them but would then look at their lips when they spoke, this felt the most comfortable to me, but now I see that there is a way to stay connected and present with them always. 🙂
Thank you Carmel, love what you have shared.
Thank you Carmel – I especially loved how you are “learning to receive through the eyes”. How wonderful for people to be truly met by you AND received by you.
That’s really lovely Carmel… Thanks for sharing.
I am amazed at how sometimes I may choose not to look someone in the eyes, and just shrug this off as a non occurrence – normally I am trying to avoid what I am truly seeing in that moment. Thank you for your words Carmel, I have much to sit with and play with.
Thanks Carmel, I remembered what you had written as I went on my grocery shop this evening. I looked deep into the eyes of the cashier, the security guard and others on my way – as I looked at them I felt your words with me.
It’s true – there is something very amazing about really connecting.
Hi Samantha, your comment reminded me of the interaction I have with the security guys when I drive into work – whatever time of day it is, I wind my window down and look them directly in the eye and we exchange greetings. It always feels like more than the standard bland ‘good morning’ – there is an integral sense of fun in there, their eyes sparkle, even in the dark early mornings, and it makes a great start to my working day.
This is beautiful Carmel. Thank you for sharing.
Another little pearl from you Carmel – thank you!
When I was a child at school, at some point it was ‘fashionable’ or ‘cool’ as they say, to keep diaries which were not like conventional diaries where you just have your own entries, but the ones where you’d have your friends take part in sharing, by filling in questionnaires that you had designed. They might have not even been called diaries but I cannot remember another name for them.
Anyway, there would be questions like: what’s your favourite colour, your subject at school, do you fancy anyone at the moment, have you kissed, your favourite animal etc. etc. and what’s your favourite part of the human body?
EYES was forever my answer and it has been my main focus on another human being since… well, as long as I remember. I didn’t know exactly why eyes, but I knew that I could see in the eye what other parts were not offering me (though at the time I was not sure what that was).
Perhaps what Charlotte Bronte had said made sense to me (on an unconscious level) and maybe it was a much deeper (soul) connection that I have always been seeking:
“The soul, fortunately, has an interpreter – often an unconscious but still a faithful interpreter – in the eye.”
Carmel thank you – this is beauty-full. I will have fun with experimenting too.
Thank you Carmel. Lots to ponder on. Great blog.
Thank you Carmel. As a presenter myself there is lots here for me to reflect upon, especially when you spoke about it as: “…all about commanding their attention and then gauging their reaction to me, so that I could tell if they were interested or not. I wasn’t really feeling them. It was a controlling way of keeping people out. I don’t think I really understood that eye contact is about letting people in.” I will take this with me as the new year of presenting begins. Awesome what support comes through these blogs.
Yes, interesting to reflect on how we can use our eyes and vision as a way for us to control our world, or or to open up and let it and everyone in. It is easy to be aware of this when it comes to people averting their eyes, but not so much when it comes to the seemingly confident person who appears to look at people, or presenters who seemingly look at and engage with their audience. You have revealed a very cunning trick that we are most likely not aware that we use, Carmel, and in being aware of it, a choice can be made to use our eyes and vision differently.
Simple, play-full, and powerfully seen.
Really enjoyed your article Carmel.
Thank you Carmel for another fascinating post. I found your last article about Prosopagnosia and not being able to recognise faces very interesting. Now to hear you have a son with Moebius Syndrome and to read his beautiful blog and your latest observations takes it to a whole new level.
I was born cross eyed and had an operation as a baby to correct that. As a child I used to get in-growing eye lashes scratching my eyes. These days I have dry eyes and regularly use drops – so there is plenty for me to see (pun intended) around eyes.
I have heard that technically our eyes see by receiving light. However, energetically (as you have described) I still feel that I often look out to gauge people’s reactions to me rather than receive and let people in. I am inspired by your article and will play and experiment with this more.
This is a very beautiful sharing, Carmel. Thank you.
I recently observed how someone I knew held back greatly from eye contact as a form of protecting herself. Upon later reflection, I could feel that her eyes revealed SO MUCH of her, that to allow anyone to directly connect to them felt simply too intense, too exposing… In short, her true beauty and amazingness was somewhat hidden, the exquisite depth of her presence withheld. This, I will share with her if and when it feels true to do so.
But the greatest learning from this was for me. Even though for the ‘better part’ I am very aware of connecting with others via our eyes, and how amazing it is, I recognised that at times, I do the same thing – in that I may subvert my gaze just a little in certain scenarios. It actually feels like a little bit of ‘hiding’, particularly as a woman, with just a smidge of submission in there also. And so I’ll be playing with this too – and remembering the absolute openness of the little one I once was, and that ‘giggle’ you’ve joyfully reminded me of! I’ll also be continuing to ‘hold’ the beautiful lady I’ve mentioned in my own gaze, whether she ‘looks back’ or not…
We are all God’s children, so what is there – really – to hide?
I really love this response, it brings to light for me the beauty of a simple gaze which can show the depths of what is within. And this actually feels like something solid and true, not to be scared of or avoid.
I agree Shami, well observed Victoria – I can totally relate to what you are saying as after all we are all God’s children so why hide or feel we need to hide anything about ourselves? or hold back from what we are feeling in any way and by doing so making ourselves less for another person. It’s crazy really, when put so simply!
Your words open my heart Shami… truly beautiful.
It’s crazy, really, isn’t it… that we’ve hidden what is nothing but beautiful, sacred and pure. Letting others into this, shares this natural light of who we are, and it is most sorely needed.
haha… just saw James’ comment that followed yours Shami – we’ve both stated how ‘crazy’ it is that we hide ourselves at all! (touche James 🙂 )
Beautiful Carmel!
Awesome Carmel.