Love can only Love Me Back

by Adele Leung, Hong Kong

I thought I would not be loved because I share different views on God with my blood family. My view on God does not have a Bible to back it up, only my heart. For a long time, I dared not open my mouth to speak about any of it, for the feeling of – who would listen? I knew I was not alone in this when I met with the reflection from Serge Benhayon’s books. I knew that my heart had not lied to me, that: God is Love and Only Love.

I thought I would not be loved because however subtle, frequently I have experienced on–going power struggles in relationships. I was ‘loved’ when I was weak. And whenever I began living who I truly am, the questioning and resistance, especially from those close to me grew. In turn, I reacted. I could and have continuously tried to justify these power struggles. Thus, I have done everything, except for truly loving.

I thought I would not be loved, if I spoke what I was truly feeling especially in relation to abuse I could feel. I was feeling and accepting everything about another, before honouring my feelings first, and not standing up to say no to what is not okay, I was actually not loving – neither to myself or to another. What I thought to be love, was actually condoning and perpetuating separation, first and foremost, to myself.

I thought I would not be loved because I do not ever ‘do’ coffee, alcohol, drugs or a big meal to have a ‘good time’ anymore. I even go to sleep at the time when most people are just ready to begin their nights. I feel bored watching telly and most of the time fall asleep in the middle of movies. Thus, I am not great in ‘socialising’ as how the world understands this word to be, but I am quite awesome in socialising with myself. When I meet friends, to me, it is unimportant what we do or where we go, for none of that is necessary for a true connection to happen.

I thought I would not be loved because I do not belong to any community or tribe, sect or pact that provides the cushiony support of like-mindedness. On the contrary, I stick out like a sore thumb in my home country – most think I am joking when I tell them I belong to the brotherhood of humanity. I have tried to do many things to not appear different, but how can not living who I am really confirm who I truly am. So what do I choose: do I know or don’t I know who I am? It comes down to an issue of honesty to and for myself.

I thought I would not be loved because I do not work for riches or identity. Although I do have a job or two, and I provide for myself and my son, I can’t help but share with a wink that my real job is knowing myself and reflecting that in every part of my life. Sadly, most don’t share my play-fullness when I tell them that.

I thought I would not be loved because I truly do not know how to convey what is in my heart if it is not heard from another’s heart. There were nights when I pondered what it would be like to make up my own language or perhaps to just stop speaking. I realised that neither are the solutions for my deep desire to express, or just simply, to communicate.

I thought I would not be loved because most of the time I do not need to be needed and do not ‘do’ love. But I am expected to anyway. We cannot really be ‘doing’ love – we can only be it – so to me it is not about proving love by showing niceties… This doesn’t mean I would not buy gifts or send cards or tell someone they are beautiful, but it is not done out of being nice or because it is a ‘proper’ thing to do – it is because of my impulse to share love in such way.

I thought I would not be loved, because the world understands love differently. I only know this because I am the same as everyone else – in that I had accepted the ‘love’ we are taught from young for so long, even though it did not feel truly loving to me. I searched for love everywhere outside of myself. I went to many places and have done many things in the name of ‘love’, however, that which I thought was ‘love’, still hurts many people including myself. I felt I had lost the one thing that guided my whole life – True Love. I felt betrayed, misled and lost.

When I ran out of options, I decided to give loving myself a try. This began as a discipline that introduced more and more gentleness towards myself, and rather than holding on to right or wrong, I began to feel from my body and listened to it. Until one day, this love that I have been practising and opening myself to, has allowed me to feel so truly loved, and this love is no different from the love I share every time I love someone else deeply.

At that moment, I smiled, and thought: How could I ever feel scared or sad or lonely and not loved?

It is absurd and impossible for me now.

Love can only love me back.

383 thoughts on “Love can only Love Me Back

  1. All these thoughts you describe Adele are like all the conditions I seem to have in my head ‘if person a is like this I will Love them but if they do x, well, I will not’. These conditions, like bad maths formulas run on and on in my life. But all they are in the end is obstacles to the truth – Love is something we choose to be, to embody – it’s a quality of energy not a commodity that can be given to me.

  2. Love is a collective condition. Love is plural and never singular. The love status of a city, a country, a family, a community, the whole world is the collective expression of love. Reflect the possibilities of love unreservedly and allow this to be felt, allow choices to be made as love is always patient and wise.

  3. ‘We cannot really be ‘doing’ love – we can only be it’ Our body innately knows love, and so when we are love we are in complete harmony.

  4. Your blog summarises so beautifully the apparent conundrum of human life. We feel we cannot be open raw and real with everyone but only to a select few we truly trust and feel connection with. But this is simply not true because it is all coming from seeking love outside of us instead of being the love we truly are first which does not need Love back from anyone.

  5. Thank you for this beautiful blog Adele. The ‘things we do for love’ are not love at all and it’s easy to see that the struggle for recognition and acceptance is one that will only end when we choose to be the love that we are.

  6. This is beautiful..touching all the areas I am feeling within myself. Feeling that old way which I have lived which is partly of what I live today, feeling the actual loss of me investing in everything that I was not.. At the same time feeling indeed that love is true and can only love you back – its a given, so time to give that all the way to myself and discard all the unloving ways.

  7. When we come to know the quality of true love it is then we understand how love can never discriminate, measure, judge, hold expectations, be bought, sold or owned. Love is a beholding quality the emanates from the light of who we are, always embracing and calling us to be more love as such is the great equaliser representing the truth of us all. As in essence we are all love, as such we are all inherently equal.

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