by Adele Leung, Hong Kong
I thought I would not be loved because I share different views on God with my blood family. My view on God does not have a Bible to back it up, only my heart. For a long time, I dared not open my mouth to speak about any of it, for the feeling of – who would listen? I knew I was not alone in this when I met with the reflection from Serge Benhayon’s books. I knew that my heart had not lied to me, that: God is Love and Only Love.
I thought I would not be loved because however subtle, frequently I have experienced on–going power struggles in relationships. I was ‘loved’ when I was weak. And whenever I began living who I truly am, the questioning and resistance, especially from those close to me grew. In turn, I reacted. I could and have continuously tried to justify these power struggles. Thus, I have done everything, except for truly loving.
I thought I would not be loved, if I spoke what I was truly feeling especially in relation to abuse I could feel. I was feeling and accepting everything about another, before honouring my feelings first, and not standing up to say no to what is not okay, I was actually not loving – neither to myself or to another. What I thought to be love, was actually condoning and perpetuating separation, first and foremost, to myself.
I thought I would not be loved because I do not ever ‘do’ coffee, alcohol, drugs or a big meal to have a ‘good time’ anymore. I even go to sleep at the time when most people are just ready to begin their nights. I feel bored watching telly and most of the time fall asleep in the middle of movies. Thus, I am not great in ‘socialising’ as how the world understands this word to be, but I am quite awesome in socialising with myself. When I meet friends, to me, it is unimportant what we do or where we go, for none of that is necessary for a true connection to happen.
I thought I would not be loved because I do not belong to any community or tribe, sect or pact that provides the cushiony support of like-mindedness. On the contrary, I stick out like a sore thumb in my home country – most think I am joking when I tell them I belong to the brotherhood of humanity. I have tried to do many things to not appear different, but how can not living who I am really confirm who I truly am. So what do I choose: do I know or don’t I know who I am? It comes down to an issue of honesty to and for myself.
I thought I would not be loved because I do not work for riches or identity. Although I do have a job or two, and I provide for myself and my son, I can’t help but share with a wink that my real job is knowing myself and reflecting that in every part of my life. Sadly, most don’t share my play-fullness when I tell them that.
I thought I would not be loved because I truly do not know how to convey what is in my heart if it is not heard from another’s heart. There were nights when I pondered what it would be like to make up my own language or perhaps to just stop speaking. I realised that neither are the solutions for my deep desire to express, or just simply, to communicate.
I thought I would not be loved because most of the time I do not need to be needed and do not ‘do’ love. But I am expected to anyway. We cannot really be ‘doing’ love – we can only be it – so to me it is not about proving love by showing niceties… This doesn’t mean I would not buy gifts or send cards or tell someone they are beautiful, but it is not done out of being nice or because it is a ‘proper’ thing to do – it is because of my impulse to share love in such way.
I thought I would not be loved, because the world understands love differently. I only know this because I am the same as everyone else – in that I had accepted the ‘love’ we are taught from young for so long, even though it did not feel truly loving to me. I searched for love everywhere outside of myself. I went to many places and have done many things in the name of ‘love’, however, that which I thought was ‘love’, still hurts many people including myself. I felt I had lost the one thing that guided my whole life – True Love. I felt betrayed, misled and lost.
When I ran out of options, I decided to give loving myself a try. This began as a discipline that introduced more and more gentleness towards myself, and rather than holding on to right or wrong, I began to feel from my body and listened to it. Until one day, this love that I have been practising and opening myself to, has allowed me to feel so truly loved, and this love is no different from the love I share every time I love someone else deeply.
At that moment, I smiled, and thought: How could I ever feel scared or sad or lonely and not loved?
It is absurd and impossible for me now.
Love can only love me back.