My Relationship with Money, Me… and Shopping

by Katerina Nikolaidis, Australia

Recently I took my car in for what I knew would be a very expensive service. It had just clocked up 100,000 k’s and I knew this involved the replacement of the timing belt and that I was looking at a bill of around $1400. Unlike other times I’ve taken my car for a service where I’ve felt the anxiety of parting with the money that was due, on this occasion it was the most wonderful experience. From the journey to my mechanic, to the interactions before leaving my car with him, to paying the bill and to driving my car home… it all felt absolutely amazing.

It felt amazing because for as long as I can remember I have had a challenging relationship with money. It wouldn’t matter whether I had a lot of money or a small amount; I could never seem to keep it and it always seemed to be running out. It was as if I was in a perpetual panic state about money, wondering where it was going to come from, fearful of losing it and terrified as to whether I would be OK… I had this deep-seated, unexplained fear of becoming destitute.

Of course, this attitude and relationship with money, had ramifications with how I interacted with the world. At work for example, I would have this underlying fear that if my boss decided I wasn’t good enough, he would get rid of me, I’d have no money, I’d be left destitute (that word again) and so on. So I would never really be at ease, trusting that perhaps I’m actually doing a great job just as it is and that I don’t have to be so anxious. Having this constant anxiety meant that there was no room for creativity. Whatever task I’d perform would feel constricted and stifled, always terrified that it might not be up to par, and of the horrendous consequences that could follow.

This, was not a fun way to live on a day to day basis.

Up until the time I came across Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I put a lot of effort into ignoring how awful this felt. I did this by never sitting still, never wanting to feel how horrible it actually felt in my body to have this constant anxiety. With the support offered through Universal Medicine, I started to connect to myself more and I realised how disconnected I had been up until then. The more I connected to myself, the more I could feel that my issues around money were bringing up an enormous amount of anxiety in my body and that this felt horrible. So I started to examine my attitudes and behaviours around money.

What I came to realise was that my relationship with money had a huge amount to do with how I saw myself and how I would treat myself: I didn’t value myself very highly, but I didn’t really want to look at this. So I would look outwards always seeking a distraction or a fix, be it at a clothes shop, a workshop, a trip away. It was all about the quality I was in when I was deciding what to do with my money or how to spend my money. If I felt inadequate and didn’t want to feel this, I would often smother that feeling by buying something. The trouble was, I would be making the purchase in the quality of feeling unworthy and even though I might have been getting a bit of a buzz initially, deep down I would still feel pretty low about myself.

On the other hand, if I purchased something knowing that this product or service would nurture me and support me to take more care of myself, then the quality would be totally different. The item I would purchase would feel lovely, regardless of what it actually was, and I would feel lovely as I was making the purchase and afterwards. There would be none of those yucky feelings of anxiousness or guilt around it – instead, lots of joy.

The more I would ‘get’ this, the more the choices I would make around money started to change. I would start to enjoy this very different feeling: I’d meander around shops, look at items that appealed to me and feel whether it was true to purchase them or not. I would do this by registering the feeling in my body. If it didn’t feel right, I would feel the start of the anxiousness I was very familiar with from the past. And I didn’t want that! If it did feel right, my body would feel expanded, I would feel the resounding ‘yes’, that this item or service would support me, be it in a fun-loving way or whatever way that may be. This, was a much more joyful way to shop!!

What I also started to notice was that I trusted myself more. It was as if I could hear and feel a warm and steady foundation in me that knew that, provided I take responsibility, I would be looked after, because I was making the choice to take care of myself first. This has been a massive turnaround. It has meant that less and less do I go into my workplace in the anxiety that I’m not performing as well as I should be. It has meant that my confidence in myself is building. And it is this that is building a totally new relationship with money and with me.

So my trip to the mechanic for my most recent car service simply confirmed to me how joyful it actually is, when I commit to making loving choices with money, choices that will look after me. I felt more joy paying for my car service than I’ve felt buying a gorgeous dress or piece of jewellery. This was because it was not so much about the actual ‘thing’ I had purchased. It was the dedication I could feel to committing to looking after me, and using my finances to support this. And that, is priceless…

307 thoughts on “My Relationship with Money, Me… and Shopping

  1. This was a biggie for me, “my relationship with money has a huge amount to do with how I saw myself and how I would treat myself”, is how I used to live my life. This statement is game changer not for some recent event but previous ones too.

    I have temporarily changed job positions and there were rumours of the possibility of having to return to my substantive position due to a virus going around the world. And many thoughts possible entered to take me out of how I was originally feeling. And reading this blog has bought it to light that it doesn’t matter, if this is the case, then so be it. I just needed to go with what is being asked of me and not what was holding me to do it.

    Our relationships with anything we hold in this world has an impact on our self worth. When we make our self worth at the forefront, then what is occurring around the world doesn’t impact it, because we know who we are.

  2. Katerina how beautiful to feel the unfolding relationship with money and you. It reminded me of how my relationship with money and me has changed over the years. I inherited this unhealthy relationship from my parents, and the struggle was passed onto us and from time to time it still plays out.

    It all changed a few years ago, when I also met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. How I spend my money and the feelings I am left with is not the same to how I used to spend and feel. If I need something, I still research but I certainly don’t like to wait till it’s needed urgently.

    Our choices in everything is vital just like the breath we take, it all matters. There is more refining to do, but what I appreciate is the fact that I can feel the difference to how I was and how I am now, and it certainly isn’t carrying any traits of the inheritance of my parents and being in lack.

    When we evolve from an unhealthy relationship, it feels absolutely magnificent in and for the body, always worth noticing in anything we do.

    1. Relationship with money is forever evolving, it is THE thing that is draining the world. If the relationship is from lack and how we can make more, then the attitude of greed takes over and you out. If the relationship is being paid for a service, then the relationship is for God and we are showered with more then what money can buy – how about the universe?.

  3. Katerina I can so relate to what you say here, I am still working on getting rid of a scarcity consciousness. I can feel it going though which is excellent. I am now very ready to say yes to more love, more purpose and more money in my life!

  4. The great thing about money is that it magnifies the relationship we have with matter, for us to realise about ourselves much more than the matter itself.

  5. A beautiful understanding of the importance of how we feel about ourselves and the values we hold and the difference this makes to how we live our lives and the way things truly feel being the support they offer us or not.

  6. It is such a gorgeous feeling to buy something that is supportive. I recently went shopping for a thick winter jacket and found something I really liked the style of and heavily reduced, it fitted well and it all happened really simply. When I put on the coat I feel the intent it was purchased in and my own love and care, and it’s quite stylish which confirms my inner beauty. I feel like it supports me to shine.

    1. I agree Melinda, when you have something supportive, it certainly feels supportive. I have felt this since we purchased a Porsce a month ago and wondered why my partner and I hadn’t done this years ago.

      There is also the other relationship too, where you can have all the money and can buy absolutely everything and yet, it’s never enough too. At the end of the day, it isn’t about the relationship with money it’s about the relationship with you and everything else. Place you at the forefront and the rest around you can take care of it’s self.

  7. Spending money on practical aspects such as car service, bills or rent or mortage etc can take on a different meaning when we look at what it offers us in terms of support in life. For example paying for the car service is a part of appreciating the fact we have a car that then allows us to go to work, to drive around to get the groceries etc etc and when we begin to look at it this way, there is already a return on the investment and hence the appreciation of this can grow and expand, leaving no space for any resentment of spending that money and only confirming our worth and deepening our relationship with self and money.

  8. Buyiing things or spending money to fill emptiness or to confirm the beauty within are two completely different experiences.

  9. It makes sense if we buy something to nurture and support ourselves that this helps take care of us rather than buying something in the quality of feeling unworthy.

  10. I really love the simplicity behind the so-called issues and its complexity we identify and struggle with. It resolves on its own accord if we choose to be love and loving with ourselves.

  11. I had an interesting experience with money in that I was tempted to buy a gorgeous piece of jewellery at a very good price but just couldn’t get myself to do it. As I drove away, I realised that I would have bought it to give myself something that I thought I didn’t have, a feeling of abundance, something luxurious, precious and beautiful. And I was relieved I hadn’t bought it as I understood I can buy things only as a confirmation of who and what I am but never out of a lack.

    1. Absolutely Gabriele, what every we do from food, drinks, movies and luxury items etc. and how and what we do with them is super important as they can all have either the most confirming effect of our divine connection as Katerina has shared or deepen us in illusion.

  12. It’s something most people could understand, the anxiety of money disappearing fast into bills, etc, and will we have enough? It’s a very real consideration of modern life. What I appreciate about the blog is we can change the way we are with money and the feeling we have when we spend it, particularly in the feeling we are caring for ourselves. I have bought a lot of things in the past to feel good or cheer myself up, but it hasn’t necessarily been needed or truly caring. Good also to read about how connection to your body communicated what was underlying certain purchases or services.

    1. Connection to the body and with that a deep appreciation of self and all around is certainly Key, Melinda, and as you have confirmed in your comment, this is what flavours the experience completely.

  13. I had a similar experience recently at the dental hygienist, I felt it was time to check in and get my teeth cleaned and didn’t baulk at the price but choose a hygienist who was thorough and it was the most beautiful confirmation of how I’d been living and yes it felt like a gorgeous gift to myself, and a great reflection of my dedication in the daily care I bring to my teeth and gums and how I live.

  14. When we do things in dedication to ourselves, our wellbeing and ability to serve, every bit of money spent is a joy and scarcity doesn’t get a look in.

  15. That feeling of purchasing something that is supportive of bringing care into my life, and care may be general maintenance of my body such as exercise equipment or body creams or bringing care in allowing myself to feel playful in a sparkly dress. That feeling is amazing.

  16. Lack of self-worth needs to be constantly fed. That is why we have to save it from becoming insignificant. Spending our savings to save it is a very clear pattern of movement… we can leave behind.

  17. I have been looking into what I am investing in, and what you here offer feels like the missing piece – the quality. Even though I knew what I am putting my money into would be good for me and all that, but in honesty, I cannot deny a hint of ‘but really, I don’t have enough to afford this’ and I would end up feeling tight and heavy and anxious. And what I am feeling is the difference between looking after myself by doing the ‘right’ thing, and making a choice from a place of truly loving and nurturing myself.

  18. Valuing ourselves is something that we can dismiss all too easily which is most unfortunate as it is the foundations that we build our sense of self worth upon.

  19. Love this Doug. It’s awesome because in the past I would have seen someone who saves all their money as being ‘good with money’. You comment shows that the way we are with money is a relationship and this relationship in turn affects all of our relationships.

  20. Brilliantly shared Katerina and priceless indeed. When I first read this years ago it resonated but I haven’t been able to fully live it yet. Today I feel a steady resolve to change the way I use money and I know that this resolve is there because I’m changing the relationship I have with myself.

  21. Really lovely to read this again. I can feel I still have a lot of anxiety around money, but the simple way you have shared about purchases being truly caring, nurturing and supportive or from a place of unworthiness is a great way to approach spending.

  22. The difference in buying something to ease anxiety or to truly support is very tangible. The first has a habit of being momentary and unfulfilling. The latter is far more supportive and provides a feeling of stability long term.

  23. Money can be such an emotive issue, often we have to pay for things that make us feel hard done by, and as you say when we start to realise how those things support us, paying for them becomes more of a joy because we are actually taking responsibility for the things that we need to support us.

  24. Investing in taking responsibility to care for our car and our vehicle of expression, our body, enables us to move with confidence.

  25. “if I purchased something knowing that this product or service would nurture me and support me to take more care of myself, then the quality would be totally different.” This is a wonderful blog Katerina, I had not considered money this way and now realise how much more love there is waiting to be lived in the way I shop and spend money, thankyou.

  26. Our relationship with money can be a reflection of our life, our values, and relationship with self, ‘the quality of our relationship with ourselves affects everything thereafter.’

    1. Everything is energy and everything is because of energy. Money is energy and our relationship with money is certainly a reflection of our other relationships too. Thank you Lorraine.

  27. This is such a supportive sharing. Thank you, Katerina. Money is what many people claim as the very reason why they work. It is the currency in the society. The way you describe how you decide to buy something or not clearly shows that it is all about investment and what is driving it, and it feels like there isn’t much that we actually need but there’s a lot we could do by choice to support ourselves.

  28. A brilliant blog Katerina uncovering the relationship many of us can have around money. You raise some great points around buying and the difference felt when buying an item from a lack of self-worth or from a place of truly valuing oneself and making a purchase that is in deep appreciation of you.

  29. I can relate to this a lot. My relationship with money up until just the last couple of years has been one of lack – always living hand to mouth and feeling guilty if I bought even necessary items, but then splurging when I couldn’t stand the control any longer. This has all changed now. In our family we now budget everything so when an unexpected bill comes up, or the car needs servicing, or as happened recently I need to buy some new clothes, the money is already there so we are not ‘robbing Peter to pay Paul’. I now feel abundant and at ease with money – no longer seeking the quick fix, ‘retail therapy’ aka anxiety numbing, I always used to use to make myself feel better (temporarily anyway). It’s awesome.

  30. I’ve found that when I’ve bought something with a lack of worth, like should I really buy it, either then opting to buy a version that is cheaper and not something I really like’… I don’t enjoy using or wearing it at all and eventually give it away. But when I value myself and why I’m buying something, I love using what I’ve purchased.

  31. It is interesting to note that when we buy something to attempt to change how we feel – in my experience we simply end up confirming what we felt in the first place. It seems to me that this is because whatever our desire – i.e. to change how we feel – our actions are first and foremost based on the fact that we don’t feel good and hence are in fact a confirmation of the feeling we don’t want in the first place. We need to go deeper than this superficial level of interaction and change the fundamental root of the feeling if we really want to change it.

    1. I imagine that if we give our power to a purchase to help us feel better or feel something other than the beautiful soul we already are, then the purchase ends up owning us. As you say Richard that purchase ends up confirming that original negative feeling.

  32. I bought a winter jacket recently. It was more money than I would usually pay for a jacket but my criteria was different this time. The purchase was based on self-love, a choice made to buy something that would ensure I stayed warm even on the coldest of days – and I love it – it feels like pulling on a duvet to go out walking the dog in. Despite the cost it was for sure, money well spent and an act of love for myself that is in fact ‘priceless’.

  33. An article full of a wisdom we all know, but don’t want to be responsible for knowing, and hence, have to see just how little we truly support ourselves. Yet it is only through feeling that we deserve way more love and support, will we then give it to ourselves.

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