Depression, Bi-Polar & the Medicinal Qualities of Love & Choice

For many years I have been diagnosed with depression: at one point in my thirties when my behaviours were even more erratic than usual, I was diagnosed with bi-polar. As a human being needing to operate in the world, I have sought medical advice from doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors. I have searched into the spiritual world for ways to help my personal angst and I have sought support from friends and family. Earlier in the year, I finally was able to admit to myself that although I have moments where things appear okay, the real truth of it was, at the very best each day was a painful upheaval and struggle, and at the very worst, there was little will to carry on.

A few months ago, I hit rock bottom. All my symptoms escalated, I was not coping and had no will to deal with my day. Life was impossible and I just wanted to check out; it was too painful, too hard. I was shouting a lot, in overwhelm, crying and just wanted to end it all. These symptoms were what had led to my diagnosis of bi-polar a few years previously. I saw my GP regularly at this time, who was very caring and supportive because I was scared. I also saw some practitioners from Universal Medicine (UniMed). All suggested I get on some anti-depressants to support me and give me some space to explore possible causes for these symptoms, which had arisen all my adult life.

I am not a stranger to anti-depressants. I had been on them for many years previously and after the birth of my second child I was on an extremely high dose. So, I went on a moderate dose of the brand I had used before. I was immediately nauseous and couldn’t get to sleep at night; in fact I was unable to get any sleep. Plus I would feel dizzy and disorientated. So I kept returning to my GP who worked with me trying to find a pill that worked. We tried taking, every second day, half a pill of the lowest dose of an anti-depressant that was mild on side-effects. But still I would immediately get all the side-effects I previously described.

So, frightened and still at rock bottom, with medication that seemed to intensify my symptoms (one of the side effects of one pill listed said that suicidal thoughts could occur in the first two weeks), I turned to my Universal Medicine practitioners, who helped me try a different approach. It’s not easy to admit in one’s life that at best it’s bloody awful. But in a loving and caring approach, because they could feel I was ready to hear some hard stuff, they socked it to me… they pointed out that I had turned up for my session and presented my symptoms to them with little will to get on top of them; I hadn’t actually said – “Okay, how do I fix this?”. They pointed out that I was stuck in the story of how my life was extremely tough, blaming events and people – and I wanted to stay there. I was a little affronted at first, to say the least. In fact, to be truthful, I wanted to walk out. But I had nothing to lose because I couldn’t find relief with the anti-depressants. So I continued to listen.

Next, they asked me to contemplate if it could be possible that exhaustion was playing a part in my depression and, more so, was I maybe making choices in my life to create the drama, thereby providing myself with the exhaustion and chaos – which in turn gave me the excuse to go into overwhelm and give up?

I understand, from twenty-five plus years of suffering depression symptoms, along with other family members suffering the same, that there is a lot of research on depression, in particular on the fact that it can be the result of chemical imbalances, which the anti-depressants assist with. I have done a lot of research myself on depression and how people who suffer it lead debilitating lives, with depression being brought on by an onslaught of abuse or tragic incidences (war, hijacking, terrorism, etc).

But this was my personal experience of depression and, as I had not suffered any of these events, I became open to looking at the possibility being presented to me that maybe I was setting up choices in my life to lead to events that would bring on the symptoms. I had to admit that when I fell into a depression cycle, which went deeper and deeper into that black hole as it is often described, it almost felt like a drug, a relief to finally give in, give up and lay in bed. I’ve never taken heroin but it was almost like taking a ‘hit’ of something which I knew wasn’t good for me but boy, did it feel great.

I can tell you, it was pretty painful to even contemplate for one second the possibility that I could be responsible for creating all the pain I’d been through, and had put my family through. But with patience and genuine true love and care, my GP and UniMed practitioners, with zero judgement, held my hand and allowed me the time and space to consider these possibilities more deeply.

About eight years ago, when I was experiencing these extreme symptoms, I was similarly scared and visited a counsellor, psychologist and psychiatrist. Each independently concluded I presented with bi-polar. I immediately became even more scared. In the sessions with them whilst I was pouring out my heart, concerned for mine and my family’s welfare, they didn’t seem to really engage with me or even look at me; they made notes then delivered their diagnosis, writing out a script for anti-depressants. The experience felt cold and unassuring.

I am sure we have all had experiences when things were going bad, life felt hard and you shared it with a friend or family member and suddenly, supported by their sincere concern and listening, it lifted a cloud. They might not have provided a solution, but the love and care somehow fixed some things. This was what my GP provided when I shared my anxieties with her; I cried because I felt her genuine care – this care and talking with her felt like medicine in itself. There are many medical practitioners in the world who naturally present themselves in this caring manner. There are also many who don’t, due to stress, overwork, frustrating medical systems etc. I have no judgement of any of them; however, this time round with my depression I wanted to surround myself with a little bit more cushioning and care. I don’t just align myself to only seeing Universal Medicine health practitioners – that would be foolish. But on occasions I do seek them because I know that I will consistently receive genuine care, love and concern for my symptoms – but neither sympathy nor pandering; this care is part of their work ethos because they feel it can play an important part in the overall care and treatment of the patient. And when you’re dealing with the kind of issues I was dealing with, I felt it was advantageous to share these issues with someone in whose company I felt like I was with family or a friend – someone that cared and who knew me to be more than the mess I was in. As I journeyed through finding a suitable anti-depressant with my GP, I shared with her what I was exploring with my Universal Medicine psychologist practitioners and how it was really helping – she was super supportive of the efforts I was making, praised me for confronting the hard stuff and expressed to me directly that it was great that I was getting “so much support”.

Very gently, I considered my part in my life. Slowly it began to help and make sense. One of the dramas and distractions which I created and was able to look at, was being caught up in getting things done, especially since having children. Each day I created a to-do list, which set me up for failure as I put myself into a drive or busy-ness, which overrode my body telling me that it could not physically undertake such an impossible list. To compensate, I would be constantly reaching for comfort foods and felt exhausted, irritated and frustrated, which often led to rage directed at my innocent children and husband. This to-do list of mine was debilitating.

Could this be one of the ways I created chaos and overwhelm in my life – by generating circumstances and situations that made life so hard and so difficult that giving up felt like the only option? What if, for added drama, I threw in sabotaging thoughts of being a failure for not ever achieving the unachievable, plus a range of judgemental, self-loathing thoughts? And how could I profess to love my family when I treated myself so appallingly?

So, as I began to attempt each day to bring a simplicity to that day’s activities, I slowly started to see something else. Although I was making my life more simple and less complicated and my quality of life started to improve, I still was having shouting outbursts at my family. Now, my relationship with my practitioners was different, in as much as I could now go along and rather than look for them to fix it for me, I would rock up and say, “Okay, life’s better but I’m still yelling – I want to stop this, why is it still happening?”. Again, gently with no judgement, I received the possibility that I was only committing to making my life better, but not actually addressing the relationship I had with myself: my opinion of myself was still terrible and because I could still be mean to me, it was easy to be mean to others too.

So, I contemplated this for a while and BINGO! Finally a light went on; my internal voice was still running me down, judging me, chastising me all the time. So I might have been making better choices, but I was just ‘doing’ them to make things better rather than because I really felt I was worth it. Now I was getting somewhere.

I had been running two lives: a physically exhausting one, and another in my head running non-stop commentaries on how useless I was. So although I was changing the physically exhausting part of my life, the low self-worth part was still running the show: I still hadn’t committed to genuinely loving me and making that the reason for every choice I made in my day.

Stopping the merry-go-round, allowing the discomfort and pain of those unloving choices to be felt was not, and still is not, easy. But I now give myself some stillness and quiet, just to feel me. Now that I’ve allowed myself to feel my brutally low opinion of myself, I can see past that part and see the real me – this beautiful woman who is just busting to be given permission to come out into the world.

I would like to show my appreciation to Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and all its wonderful practitioners for their unwavering love and support. This, however, is not a rah–rah for UniMed; this is a rah–rah for the growing awareness of the healing power of love, which is at the core of what UniMed endorses but is obviously not exclusive to UniMed; this is a rah–rah to the medicinal qualities of love and care – the love and care from my GP, the love and care from UniMed practitioners, the love and care from my family and friends and the love and care from me. It was me that made the choice to see qualified medical practitioners, highly trained in their field of mental illness, choosing to administer their medicine with love and care – the vital ingredient which was missing from my last foray into fixing this debilitating condition. All of the above helped bring me back to ME, showing me that I always had a choice, even when I had dug my heels in pretty deep, thinking I had no choice, believing that the dramatic events in my life were outside of my control and that I was a lost cause.

I am understanding more and more the meaning of true love and what that encompasses: it is true love to gently, without judgement, lovingly help people when they are ready to begin to entertain the possibility that we are responsible for our choices and the events that happen in our lives: it is true love to present the ‘tough’ stuff – to bring people back to who they really are so they, in turn, can help others return back to who they really are. This to me is the bigger picture, this to me is all part of true love. This is what personally helped me understand my depression and my part in it.

By Anon

632 thoughts on “Depression, Bi-Polar & the Medicinal Qualities of Love & Choice

  1. However resistant we are, responsibility surely has to be the first step in true healing for without it we are powerless.

    1. Powerless indeed Richard because responsibility is literally the fuel in the engine of choice. Becoming responsible for our choices is the key, breaking everything down to choices and consciously choosing our way out of the fog that we’ve chosen our way into.

  2. Thank you for your candour in sharing your experiences here Anon. You have reflected back to me a deeply critical aspect of myself that I feel has been with me for a long time and in doing so perpetuated the healing for me and no doubt for others too. How truly loving this is.

  3. Depression is such a debilitating disease and very much on the increase. It is great to hear how the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine therapies supported you Anon to deal with your depression rather than just manage the symptoms.

    1. Is it possible that many of the therapists and staff in hospitals suffer depression on some level themselves and that this is the reason why they can only offer managing the symptoms rather than really dealing with the illness? If we would leave out caffeine, sugar, alcohol and entertainment – the truth of our real state of health would be seen more clearly.

  4. What an honest and thought provoking blog – thank you Anon. It is clear that you have been on a steep learning curve and it is inspirational the way you have managed to push aside your pride and allowed yourself to be open to other explanations for your mental health. I’m sure that if those around you were asked, they would report a massive difference in how you are with yourself and others now compared to years previously. Your experiences demonstrate just how powerful we are in taking a leading role in our own healing.

  5. Awesome blog Anon, your shared lived experience is deeply appreciated. There is much wisdom in what you present and what you have learnt through choosing self love. To me this is extremely inspiring and makes me realise how much power we have to turn things around.

  6. It’s great how you’ve extracted the key ingredients – genuine care, love and concern for symptoms, authentically applied, but without any sympathy – that have supported you to work your way through and out of depression. That’s a powerful sharing for anyone in the medical and complementary profession. It’s also a reflection for each of us of the qualities required of ourselves in our own healing too, along with the master ingredient – the will to change. Only then do you have the makings of a great recovery team.

  7. In the UK, the Royal College of Psychiatrists claims that one in five people experience depression at some point in their lives. I have certainly been a one in the five. Which makes me consider deeply the responsibility I had to the other four people in my group of five, and how I was showing them that it is ok, fine and acceptable to not take responsibility. There is no judgement here just the fats of how interconnected we all are and by this we can help each other, leading the way at times if needed, to realise the strength and fortitude that comes with committing to a more loving and purposeful way of life.

  8. Thank you for sharing your experience with depression and bi-polar and the steps you took to heal yourself. The power of love to truly heal any ill condition in the body is a beautiful reminder Anon and shows us what is possible when we chose to deeply love and nurture ourselves.

  9. Your article touched the hurt I apparently still feel for not being able to help my close friend who has taken her own life. Just about a month before I started SEH1 she decided she could no longer live in fear. I always felt there was a way out for her and although I know that to help someone they truly have to want to help themselves first but still I feel very sad I wasn’t able to keep her here.

  10. I really enjoyed reading your blog on depression Anon – “So I might have been making better choices, but I was just ‘doing’ them to make things better rather than because I really felt I was worth it.” It’s inspirational to hear about your process of healing yourself out of depression Anon, you have brought a lot of understanding to this mental illness thank you.

  11. This blog gives such an insight into depression and how with love and truth, we can truly support people who are suffering from a depression. Thank you Anon, this helps a lot and gives a true understanding in what people with a depression need.

  12. You mentioned the ‘love and care’ that you experienced, calling it “the vital ingredient which was missing”. I feel something so important is highlighted here, we can go through the official processes concerning care and support and medical, talking therapies concerning our mental health issues, but without a truth of love and care within in it, sensitive, aware individuals do not trust the system and so the healing is slow if possible at all. True love and care are vital ingredients of any true healing support and can offer absolute change.

  13. Thank you Anon for sharing your journey with depression. Having suffered from anxiety and depression I can relate to much of what you share. You are right about the fact that we need to look carefully at our own part in the whole problem and that ” tough love” is sometimes the only way for us to see this and therefore make the changes needed.

  14. It is a privilege to read your deeply moving story Anon, thank you so much for sharing so honestly. I can relate to trying to make better choices but not from a place of feeling I was worth it and the transformational power of feeling others really loved and cared enough to present to me the part I had been playing in my own drama – not easy to acknowledge but the turnaround point to looking at my deep levels of exhaustion and low self worth and making different choices.

  15. Well done Anon, you show many people who are unwell, the way to step out of the cycle of ill health. Consistency in self care and self love are very much as medicinal as conventional medicines.

  16. Well done Anon on turning your life around by taking responsibility and by seeking true healing in the way of sourcing practitioners who have the ability to get to the root cause of issues. Its remarkable the power of love and truth

  17. The honest account that you present here Anon is an undeniable testimonial to the powerful combination of conventional medicine, Esoteric Medicine and the commitment from you, to make the changes to the behaviours in your life that you slowly identified were behind so much of what you had been experiencing for many years. To acknowledge how you had been sabotaging your life and to have the courage to look at the possibility that you had been responsible for the mess that you found yourself in was certainly a life changing moment. As you describe the loving and unconditional support you received from the Universal Medicine practitioners I could feel the unwavering foundation that they were offering you to become more aware of how you were living and the strength to make the changes that were necessary to initiate the healing that you had been seeking for so long.

  18. Of key importance here is the fact that only when we are “ready” will true change come about it’s not up to anyone one else to make those decisions for you

  19. Thank you for sharing this so openly and honestly Anon, I really appreciate it. I came to understand with the depression I was experiencing that it was as a result of pushing myself too hard to the point of exhaustion and discovered through being forced to rest and allowing whatever it was that was wanting to present itself to me to arise that the negative thoughts began to disappear. So what I am saying is that for me fatigue = depression. Many will benefit from the level of detail which you’ve been prepared to disclose and to understand that to arise ourselves out of these situations requires honesty and self-responsibility as well as a more self-loving way of being.

  20. Anon what you are sharing is groundbreaking. Normally, as you also describe, one gets diagnosed with a certain condition, i.e. depression and everything thereafter is designed to make you feel better or simply cope with your condition. What you show is that there is ‘a way out’, that we are not this condition and that with honesty and by learning to be responsible for all our actions, always with the focus on being as loving as possible with ourselves, we can come out of the hole that we have dug ourselves.

  21. Truly stopping to consider our part in our lives, and being open and honest to how we have been responsible to contribute to life playing out as it has, is the only way to allow the awareness, and it is from there the journey back begins.. and the journey is much lighter and more freeing and joyful than all the darkness we otherwise choose to continue in.

  22. Anon, your honesty and sharing the details of your experience is inspiring. Not an easy road to take, but I can feel from your blog how amazing it has been and how your awareness has expanded. It is so easy to be stuck in cycles and patterns that play out causing us to be depressed and exhausted and yet we are unable to see them to be able to make the change. There is a lot here that I need to feel for myself, you may have unlocked some answers for me too. Thank you for sharing.

  23. Anon this is an incredible sharing as so many people in the world are struggling with depression. I used to be one of those people. Your choice to take responsibility to not only support yourself but to be willing to get to the bottom of what was going on for you offers people an inspiration of a true way forward. My deepest appreciation for sharing this with the world.

  24. Anon your story needs to go public as so many people would benefit from it. Not just the people with depression but their loved one’s as well. Thank you for sharing your personal journey through life.

  25. Rereading this blog I have once again realised how important the words are that Anon has shared in understanding depression and the powerful responsibility that lies behind the choices we make.

  26. An awesome sharing Anon, and the level of awareness you were prepared to go to to understand how you had created your situation and responsibility you took for it is wonderful. It is amazing how those seemingly painful admissions are actually not that painful once admitted, and instead are truly self-empowering. They clear the path for a true way forward, as now there is clearly a choice you can make, whereas before the heaviness of the fog allowed no clarity or understanding to make such a choice. The most important thing in all of this is that you were held in love and no judgement by the Universal Medicine practitioners, to allow you the space to come to your own understanding, and also to know that you need not judge or criticise yourself, but rather hold yourself in that same love.

  27. I’ve had the experience too with Universal Medicine practitioners of them being able to call me to account for my part in any situation but with zero judgment and a lot of love. Its inspiring to be engaged with in this way and truly helpful.

  28. ‘ I became open to looking at the possibility being presented to me that maybe I was setting up choices in my life to lead to events that would bring on the symptoms.’ This is gold – honest and raw opening the possibility for others to explore that we are responsible for the outcomes in our lives, that we are not victims of life, but creators of it.

  29. I found reading your story very insightful, a very real account of someone’s experience with depression and feel inspired by your choice to be responsible and truly heal.

  30. What an inspiring story Anon especially the sentence ‘I was just ‘doing’ them to make things better rather than because I really felt I was worth it’. I too can get into the ‘doing better’ instead of feeling my own worth and appreciate it.

  31. What a Gorgeous blog Nina. I personally Love what you’ve shared about the two sides of the depression: the exhaustion and the selfworth. When reading this paragraph this rang a bell. Yes, nowadays the choices that I make are very very caring. But truly Loving myself is something that I’m only recently exploring. I see more and more how much blame and walls I’ve put up to not have to feel the choices that I made. Where really, only when I feel I can be appreciative about myself and can feel where I’ve not chosen Love. Your blog made me very aware of the distinction. Thank you Nina.

    And I also agree that this is a Great blog in relation to the amount of people that are diagnosed with depression. This is so inspiring, because it is very real, very raw. Your life and the choices should be studied.

  32. Living in a time where more than 350 million people world wide are suffering from depression (WHO), including more and more teenagers, stories like yours Anon are so valuable. It is truly amazing what you have accomplished, thank you for sharing. It has been true all along: love is all we need. We just didn´t realise that it is our own love that does all the healing.

  33. Well done Anon,great work for persevering, although you had great help in the form of your loving GP and Universal Medicine practitioners, at the end of the day it was you who had to do all the hard work and come back from such a hellish time.

  34. Anon, it was very humbling to read your very raw article on depression. It takes a lot of courage to share with such honesty and love something that has been so debilitating for you for much of your life. You are a testament to yourself, in all that you’ve achieved through persistently seeking help and support, deeply considering all that was shared with you and choosing to lovingly nurture yourself back so you can now feel the beautiful woman that you are. It’s very easy to under value the incredible power of love, particularly when given tenderly to our selves.

    1. ‘It’s very easy to under value the incredible power of love, particularly when given tenderly to our selves.’ Quite true Alison, it seems that it is what we do best! But we can unpick and change this way of being, with each loving step at a time.

  35. Learning to live from our hearts and not our minds, with all that this means and entails, is the path of return for us all, a path of true liberation to clarity and energetic freedom.

  36. Wow what an insight into what is a hard place to be in. Anon you allowed support from your Drs and Universal Medicine Practitioners, and with your determination and will, you were able to bring yourself back to you, and its not easy facing the patterns and choices when your well, let alone not well. An amazing and honest blog.

  37. ‘I had been running two lives: a physically exhausting one, and another in my head running non-stop commentaries on how useless I was’. No wonder you were so exhausted Anon.

    1. It also makes sense to me that the cycle of exhaustion feeds the cycle of giving up and therefore, the cycle of mental illness. So exhaustion must also be addressed alongside pharmaceutical treatment and supportive therapy to lay the foundations for true healing.

  38. Anon I can remember I always set myself up for disappointment so I could feed the poor me emotion and get sympathy from my family. It was also drama in my life which gave me something to talk/complain about with my family. I was also using it as recognition as some family members now had something to talk about with their friends. Now that I no longer choose to self sabotage in this way my relationship with my family has changed for the better but I still have a belief which I just became aware of that I’m now boring as I have no drama so my family members have no drama stories that they can tell their friends. I’m still needing recognition. Something to ponder on.

  39. Thank you Anon for honestly sharing a deeper insight into bipolar depression. This article would definitely benefit others who are caught in the victimhood of their illness and are unaware that there is another way of living, to be inspired to take responsibility for their lifestyle choices, and learn about the power of self love and self care.

  40. Anon this is a great testimony of a person having suffered depression for so many years and fully assumed responsibility for it. This should be in a Psychologist magazine and read by people who suffer through life defined by their depression. Also it is so important for family members to know about how to deal with depression and that it is really about calling peoples responsibility through a loving and caring approach on the simple daily tasks. I have come to realise that when people suffer from depression it can make the people around them feel powerless and at the same time angry, because those suffering depression can unwittingly control everything with their moods. Seeing depressed people as victims is so wrong, this really creates a vicious cycle of resentment and feeling unable to help them. Thank you for this great insight into depression.

  41. Thank you Anon for such an insightful look at depression. I love the point that you are making here about the medicinal power of love and care. We can take whatever drug we want or have whatever treatment we want but if we do not bring love and care to ourselves then the real healing cannot occur.

    1. Medcine can be like a bandaid, it can help heal things on the surface. To truly heal you need to heal from the inside first and the medicine for this is honesty, truth and self love.

  42. Anon it is truly inspirational how you have turned your life around from being a victim to your circumstances and illnesses to taking responsibility for your choices and your life. It takes an enormous amount of courage and commitment to be able to feel how past choices have impacted on our health and well being and that of our families and then to decide to truly heal.

    1. Yes and this is what I am realising it takes, taking responsibility for our choices, being willing and open to look at them which then exposes the untruth of being a ‘victim’.

      1. That’s the key to true medicine Michelle, being willing and open, to then be able to be responsible for your actions and choices in your life.

  43. While I have no experience of mental illness my self, so much of what you say makes sense… in particular how debilitating our self judgement is. We can be totally subsumed by the tyrant within, and if we don’t share that self judgement with anyone else then it all happens ‘behind the curtains’. Its love that helps to let others in – yours to make the choice for a more loving relationship, and the practitioners to see you for all that you are and not let you accept less.

    1. ‘We can be totally subsumed by the tyrant within, and if we don’t share that self judgement with anyone else then it all happens ‘behind the curtains’.’ I really loved what you said here Simon about the ‘tyrant within’ whom I know quite well!

    2. ‘The practitioners see you for all that you are and not let you accept less’. This is the way Universal Medicine practitioners are trained. Their gentle approach and deep understanding, allows the client the space to drop the pretence, the defences, and supports total honesty. I know, because I’ve tried evasion with them, and then found myself talking about the REAL issue. Amazing.

  44. Anon your story is so heart warming to hear. The transition from being diagnosed with bi-polar to living a life now with such vitality and commitment to your work and family is a true marker of how we can change our lives around by stopping for a moment and starting to realise what potential we all have to bring.

  45. Anon this is such an open and honest account of what it is like to have depression and how you have with the loving support of Universal Medicine been able to turn your life around. I find this sentence very revealing and something I could very much relate to “I had been running two lives: a physically exhausting one, and another in my head running non-stop commentaries on how useless I was. So although I was changing the physically exhausting part of my life, the low self-worth part was still running the show: I still hadn’t committed to genuinely loving me and making that the reason for every choice I made in my day.” This is an important aspect that we don’t always realise that we are doing to ourselves and how draining this can be. Just making a simple choice to be more loving with ourselves, can make a huge difference to how we feel about ourselves.

  46. Thank you for sharing your story with so much honestly and frankness. It still shocks me how much I can create my own issues by allowing unloving thoughts to takeover. From awareness I have made huge in roads into not feeding these destructive patterns which is with thanks to the loving support of practititioners like the ones you mention I your blog.

  47. Anon it takes a lot of love to present to someone cloaked in depression, that you were in fact “stuck in the story of how my life was extremely tough, blaming events and people – and I wanted to stay there”. The relief from staying there in the depression was preferable to taking that responsibility for what was happening in life and face what was really being asked of you. It was a life-changing opportunity your esoteric practitioner presented to you by pointing this out, and wonderful you didn’t run a mile from taking a look at this. A real inspiration for anyone feeling helpless about their situation.

  48. Thank you Anon for sharing your deeply honest account of depression.Your insights and honesty have opened up a much needed conversation on the subject that is never broached. Very inspiring.

  49. Anon, I am inspired my your willingness to address your life choices and openness to share this with others. Although depression is not my issue, there are many things you have written about that I feel to re-address, like overwhelming myself with a ‘to-do’ list and making sure that all my choices are made ‘because I am worth it’. Thank you.

    1. Yes I too can feel how supportive it is to re-address whether I am ‘overwhelming myself with a ‘to-do’ list and making sure that all my choices are made ‘because I am worth it’.

  50. Its sad how tough we are on ourselves and trying to deal with the outside pressures of daily life. Running ourselves into the ground. I look around and see may 30-40 year olds an absolute wreck. Their bodies calling out to stop the madness they call life.
    With being honest as you have done you begin the walk back to health. True health and vitality in the body.

  51. Anon what an amazing turnaround you have made in your life. The choice to take responsibility in your life and begin to truly heal your depression and bi-polar is very inspiring. The healing power of true love is beautifully described in your blog and is supportive for many others struggling with similar conditions.

  52. We can create so many complications and stories to tie ourselves in knots with, loosing ourselves entirely as we do so, but the creation is always a choice, even though we may not like to consider this as our responsibility. The greatness comes into play over our ability to change our choices and choose differently for ourselves. Choosing simplicity can been seen as boring by some, but to me it’s the greatest thing since the invention of the wheel. With simplicity we can just be ourselves and return to our interior connection and being ourselves is the greatest gift we can ever bring to the world.

  53. We can really create a great big mess when we don’t want to take responsibility for where we are at and what we are doing. ‘The world is our oyster’ in that respect. We make ourselves so many stories and so many complications that we tie ourselves up in knots. Being responsible enough to see how our lifestyle choices impacts on how we are, this is a great step. Keeping it simple is as much a choice as creating complications.

  54. Thank you Anon for sharing your vast and amazing experience with depression and Bi-Polar, and the courageous journey you took back to love.
    I feel this blog is an immense support for others facing similar situations in their lives.

  55. A couple of things really resonate with me in your blog Anon. The concept that depression is from exhaustion, which I wholeheartedly agree with, as well as some practitioners not being able to be supportive because of their timetable, scheduling, tasks and duties, their ‘must do’s’ within their roles. It is awesome to expose how much this does not have to be the way of all health practitioners and it is awesome that you’re able to highlight the true nature of depression and truly get support and heal on a very super deep level. Universal Medicine is a POWERFUL business and their healing modalities are incredible, let alone the practitioners that are working under the Universal Medicine umbrella.

  56. Thank you Anon for sharing your story with such honesty. Being willing to break through the tough times, and take responsibility for your choices while accepting the loving care offered to you by the Medical team and the Universal Medicine sessions. Your story will be an inspiration to others who are struggling with similar debilitating conditions. You have found the key of self love and its amazing healing power.

  57. This is a very powerful blog,
    We can either choose to be debilitated by the draining illness that in effect keeps us trapped, or we can choose to start making choices that are going support us in going forward with our life and coming back to love.
    No matter how far gone you may feel, you always have to choice to come back.

    1. So true Thomas I love what you say here “No matter how far gone you may feel, you always have the choice to come back.”

  58. The energy of this depressive and eruptive condition is deeply familiar to me, giving up on myself and life and allowing an energy that is not me to run the show. I am starting to understand this more and feel it in my body. Thank you for your sharing and exposing your story Anon so others may understand this dis-ease.

  59. Awesome honest sharing Anon, a living miracle of how you turned your life around from such a debilitating illness – bipolar and depression – to embracing life where self love, self nurturing, self responsibility is the key.

  60. The way we live has a direct effect on our life and well being. Everything we do has a consequence on the body. We can either build a body of love or we can drain every last ounce of life from it and the results stare us straight back in the face. There is no escaping our choices. Thank you for sharing your incredible story.

    1. ‘There is no escaping our choices.’
      Well said Matthew, a simple yet extremely profound truth that calls for great responsibility.

  61. Today I felt depression creeping in and the negative self-debasing thoughts .. just as you described. It was a strange experience and disconcerting in it’s strangeness. I had to frequently check in with myself to make try to understand what was happening. Then I realised that I was trying to ‘choose’ depression as a tool to help me cope with things I did not really want to face and take responsibility for in my life. Anon your blog has re-sparked my intention “… to make love the reason behind every choice in my day”. This truly is the antidote and the antithesis to me ‘choosing’ depression.

  62. Anon thank you for relating your journey through this debilitating condition and your discovery that love can cure anything. You are now ready to step with all your brightness onto the stage of life.

  63. “I had turned up for my session and presented my symptoms to them with little will to get on top of them… I was stuck in the story of how my life was extremely tough, blaming events and people – and I wanted to stay there…” To recognize and honestly admit this as true is the greatest gift of acceptance and love towards oneself. Awesome step Anon!,

  64. Thank you Anon this is a deeply personal insight to your journey and exposes some of the tricky issues related to mental health and the choice to truly heal or stay on the rollercoaster of making things better – something I can definitely relate to even though I don’t have depression or bi-polar, as I am sure many other can to.

  65. What an amazing transformation Anon. It shows what is possible when we choose to reconnect to our loving essence and take responsibility for the choices we are making. Thank you.

  66. Anon what a beautifully honest piece of self-reflective writing that shows the power and agency to make true change is always with true love.

  67. Connecting with you and accepting that you are an amazing, beautiful and loving woman is the biggest thing because once this is realised and accepted then all of the self sabotaging behaviours and total living in disregard has to be looked at. We are the choices we make. The love available to each of us is unlimited – coming first from within and then in the support and care of others be it health professionals, family, friends. An honest blog about choosing to accept and appreciate what is within and making life about that first.

  68. Anon what an awesome blog and how great to share your story. So many people will be able to benefit and be inspired from what you share and your lived experience.
    I once thought I was a victim of my circumstances too but in truth we are the ones who create all the bigger and smaller messes in our lives. When we get to see this and have the loving support to look at what we have created openly and honesty we can build our way back to living the love that we are.

  69. Anon thank you for your courageously honest and powerful article. Yes, the healing power of love is immense, so simple and there for us all. Taking responsibility for our own healing is the key to initiating our own self-love.

  70. Isn’t it time that we as a society opened up to a deeper understanding of medicine and a new understanding of “the medicinal qualities of love & choice”.

    The way we live absolutely affects our health, we all know this but sometimes it is perceived as an inconvenient truth. This article shows the enormous difference it makes to our health and wellbeing when we start to take responsibility for the way that we are living and the choices that we make.

    Universal Medicine is leading the way with showing how love and choice are in fact medicinal qualities.

  71. Wow Anon, thank you for this super powerful article. You have offered so much wisdom through your lived, and living experience that I almost don’t know where to begin. What I felt was truly inspiring was your honesty and courage to take responsibility as you shared here – ‘I can tell you, it was pretty painful to even contemplate for one second the possibility that I could be responsible for creating all the pain I’d been through, and had put my family through.’ As it is not easy to overcome the controlling patterns of behaviours that we have allowed to develop and define us over the years. But with choosing love and loving support, as you have powerfully reflected, is more than possible to empower ourselves to break free and return to the love we are. And as you have beautifully stated – ‘the meaning of true love and what that encompasses: it is true love to gently, without judgement, lovingly help people when they are ready to begin to entertain the possibility that we are responsible for our choices and the events that happen in our lives: it is true love to present the ‘tough’ stuff – to bring people back to who they really are so they, in turn, can help others return back to who they really are.’ – of which you are living proof.

  72. ‘This. . . is not a rah–rah for Universal Medicine; this is a rah–rah for the growing awareness of the healing power of love, which is at the core of what UniMed endorses . . . this is a rah–rah to the medicinal qualities of love and care’. Thank you Anon for reminding us of the power of love and of what it can bring when we allow it in our life.

  73. Anon, you’ve really shone a light on depression here, it’s so inspiring to read. I had an experience with anti-depressants 20 years ago when I was not coping, wasn’t sleeping, felt totally overwhelmed and really out of control. My GP was wonderful and made it clear that the anti-depressants were for short-term use only while I looked at and dealt with the cause – to give me some space. It was such a wake up call – how did my life get to this? I did clean up my act to a point, and only stayed on the anti-depressants for a few months, but I didn’t heal the underlying cause, and so I had bouts of exhaustion/depression on and off for years – not serious, and not medicated, but still debilitating and far, far from being a joyful life.

    It was when I came to Universal Medicine that I started to get honest about how I was living, how I blamed my parents for all my troubles, looked for life to give something to me, craved affection from others, etc. With the loving support of Universal Medicine practitioners and my own commitment to healing and taking responsibility, my life is a million miles away from where it was 20 years ago…thanks to Serge Benhayon for leading the way with love.

  74. “I can tell you, it was pretty painful to even contemplate for one second the possibility that I could be responsible for creating all the pain I’d been through, and had put my family through”. What you have come to see and to know about yourself is very profound. If society as a whole took this level of responsibility then we would have a very different health system and world. Your ability to face the truth is very inspiring.

  75. Anon what you have experienced and shared has the ability to bring never before seen understanding to mental illness. I have worked in mental health and also had an anxiety disorder myself and so know first hand the beliefs that are deeply held within the field. You are living proof that our health really is in our own hands, regardless of the current view that is held so doggedly in mental health. You are a voice of true transformation.

    1. As you say Alexis, this view of mental health is counter to the underlying assumption that it is something that happens to you and in a large part a result of the chemical cocktail. The blog is a game changer – showing what an impact our own choices have in much the same way epigenetics is turning the conventional wisdom on ‘inherited’ diseases on its head.

  76. Hi Anon, I’m back to read again and boy, does this blog deliver! Today I was very interested in what you discovered about setting yourself up with choices that would ultimately lead you to feel exhausted and give up. Nothing smothers the true expression of the self like exhaustion. I’m currently undertaking a course on exhaustion with the College of Universal Medicine. What I feel exhaustion is for me is a physical version of beating the self up, most likely driven by a belief such as “not feeling good enough”. I have learned so much from your writing again today and will be back again to study this blog again soon. Thank you.

  77. Incredible sharing of what was really going on underneath the symptom of depression and bi-polar. Thank you for sharing.

  78. “They asked me to contemplate if it could be possible that exhaustion was playing a part in my depression and, more so, was I maybe making choices in my life to create the drama, thereby providing myself with the exhaustion and chaos – which in turn gave me the excuse to go into overwhelm and give up?”
    Wow, what a powerful thing to deliver to a client from a practitioner, the power of love as you say.

  79. This is an amazing blog Anon, and not only demonstrates the healing power love, but also how damaging a negative self worth can be on ones health. Thank you.

  80. Fantastic blog. For many of us, myself included, to become aware of the damage a critical self view does to ourselves is absolutely key to turn it around and start to love and cherish ourselves.

    1. The truth of the matter is that we are the consciousness of God and therefore if we don’t feel this then anything else is made up, it has to be because the truth is the truth and can’t ever be corrupted.

  81. Thank You Anon for a very open and truth-full blog. I can totally relate to what you have written and I don’t think I could have navigated my way through the ups and downs of depression without the loving support and guidence of Universal Medicine practitioners.

  82. This is an amazing story to share to show how far you have come with the love and care you have been supported with and that you have shown yourself. Taking responsibility and genuinely loving you and making that the reason for every choice in the day is a beautifully powerful and inspiring foundation from which to transform your life like you have.

  83. Understanding more and more the meaning of true love. We continue to deepen our understanding through continuing to choose what it is we need to develop and become more and more the love that we are. This can sometimes be an uncomfortable process. Thank you anon for your invaluable expression.

  84. The healing power of love, so true. Or like the Beatles used to sing; “all we need is love”.

  85. I would like to read this several times. To feel the solidity of you, underneath whatever was going on for you with your depression – and how this was unassailably ‘there’, for you to return to this solidity when you were ready to choose it so. This is truly powerful, and that you were met with such love (the non-pandering, yet deeply and truly supportive kind) is awesome beyond words. We all deserve such support, and it is here, for us all to return to the unassailable strength that is within every one of us.
    Thank-you deeply for this candid and deeply wise sharing.

    1. Well said Victoria; any true healing has to come from us. Nobody else can do it for us. Yes, there is awesome Esoteric Modalities and Esoteric Modalities Therapists, who can hugely support along the way. Thank God for Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, I say! : )

      1. So simply said Victoria and Esther. My experience of true healing is when I can see and feel that issues and behaviours I’ve been carrying have dropped away, and it has come from me being willing to see and feel what is needed, and then seeking the most appropriate esoteric healing practitioner, and medical practitioner where needed, to support me.

    2. Thats a powerful point of truth Victoria, we are our own healers. No matter what or who we use or see, in the end it is our willingness to choose the healing on offer that creates the change to happen.

  86. Thank you for your open and honest sharing anon. Realising we always have a choice is huge. Your transformation is very inspiring because of your willingness to bring a loving responsibility to yourself and your life. I am sure many will relate to this blog.

  87. Thanks for sharing your story anon. Your account is a great reflection that it is up to us to choose healing, to let go of wanting someone or something outside of ourselves to fix us, to see that there is another way where we take self-responsibility for how we feel and begin to make self-loving choices to support us in this different way of living.

  88. To understand that love is not a flowers and chocolate comfort thing but a strong and constant, powerful healer is such a blessing and an amazing strength in our lives. Your story of rediscovering your commitment to life is inspiring and empowering anon.
    So often we feel we must do something to get a result or to progress in our lives yet you prove that listening, being love, began the amazing healing that you have unfolded.

  89. Thank you so much for sharing your incredibly honest story with us. It is a story that I can relate to in many ways. We have been brought up to try to make things better, to fix what is wrong in our lives, but given very few tools to do so. I have learned that making it better, doesn’t make whatever “it” is, go away, but just parks it somewhere waiting for the next time. It was not until, like you, I had the realisation that: “I was only committing to making my life better, but not actually addressing the relationship I had with myself”, that things really began to change, and not just for the better – it was a total turnaround in the way I was living and the quality of well-being that I was living with. I finally realised that my life was my responsibility, and that every choice I had made in the past had lead me to the place that I currently found myself. But now I finally understood, that in every moment I had the opportunity to make a different choice. No more making anything better, just taking responsibility and making the next choice a loving one, Every day of my life I appreciate the wisdom and the tools that have been offered to me by Serge Benhayon in the course of his presentations, as well as the loving support of many Universal Medicine practitioners.

  90. Your blog here is priceless. Every little detail is something to be seen understood and relate to. The gradual process of making yourself aware of how you were setting up choices in your life which would lead to events that would bring on the symptoms. With the help of practitioners you can see the problem and address it head on. You have summed it up beautifully when you wrote: “Now that I’ve allowed myself to feel my brutally low opinion of myself, I can see past that part and see the real me – this beautiful woman who is just busting to be given permission to come out into the world.” I have learned a lot from this article and I feel others will too. Rah Rah for the medicinal qualities of love and care.

  91. Choosing to reconnect to our bodies and to allow to feel the disregard that we have lived with in the past is not an easy task however, it creates more space within ourselves to replace the hurts and exhaustion from living from the head with true love, harmony and joy.

  92. So underestimated, the medicinal qualities of love and care. So often I have witnessed as a health professional my clients feeling immediately better just because I have truly listened to them without judgement, even if I cannot cure their physical ailment.

    1. Yes I have observed this with clients, it is simply the love and care they feel that affords the healing. To be fully listened to by another person with no judgement is something unique for many,it gives them permission to deeply surrender and express stuff that may have been bothering them for ages that until this moment they could not trust another with. This often is a big healing.

    2. Without judgement, without wanting to fix, without positioning ourselves higher but with presence and from the love and understanding that we are all the same but merely coming from a different place.

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