by Judith Andras, Germany
Up until I turned 32 my life was a constant emotional drama. I had been through six relationships, and in between flings and one night stands always looking for my fairy prince, for Mr. Right, the man who was supposed to be my soul mate and who would complete me.
All these men were ‘good’ men, they tried hard to make me happy, but they couldn’t fill the emptiness inside – they could not give me what I was yearning and looking for. And so there was always something not ‘right’, something to complain about, to argue about…. the grass seemed so much greener on the other side of the fence.
When I look back today I can see my behaviour toward these men wasn’t fair. I asked for something they were not able to give me: a feeling of self-worth, to feel content within me… something I’ve slowly learned over the past ten years can be only given to me by myself.
At 32, something changed in my life: I met a person, Serge Benhayon, who reflected to me a lifestyle that was somewhat known to me, however I and people around me were far away from living like this. At first glance it didn’t seem very different, but over the years the difference became more obvious.
Over these years Serge Benhayon showed me again and again what I was looking for, which is love, and that I wasn’t going to find this love outside of me but only in my own inner heart.
It wasn’t that easy to stop the drama – I was what you can call an emotion-junkie. Emotions made my life colourful and made me feel alive, they defined and identified me. But I began to realise that they were draining me and that I had reached a point of deep exhaustion and did not have the strength to continue.
I realised that relationships were essential for my abusive, dramatic behaviour and I decided to stay single for a while to learn to look inside and find myself instead of looking outside for the ‘right’ man.
In this process I realised that I was buried deeply under a lot of destructive thoughts, behaviours and patterns that came into the light once I started digging. I had a lot of realisations, which led to shame, guilt and self-criticism, but in the end it was worth it and I found gold. I found a deep capability to feel and be love for myself and others, I found a tenderness and lightness within which feels amazing – it feels like a mountain stream: full of life, joyful, vital, yet with a stillness and steadiness: I feel and look younger.
Today I am married – a commitment that I could have never imagined I would make. The reason I got married is not because I found Mr. Right but because I learned over these last years that a lasting relationship is built on true love and my commitment to it. It also requires a willingness to open up to the other person allowing their love in, letting go of past hurts and experiences. All it needs from the other person is a willingness to go there with me – and that I have found.
Today I can say: the grass is amazingly green just here where I stand and it does not seem better anywhere else! Writing this I realise what a huge step that is for me and how much love I have allowed in, to be able to say this today!
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Loving ourselves first, is part of building a true relationship with ourselves, so we do not seek worth, value and recognition from another.
This reminded me of a video of a wedding of a young couple that I recently saw, in which the brides says ‘Love is easy’ and it hit me like, ‘Of course!’ It’s like, why would we so stubbornly invest in making it complicated – other than for sheer indulgence, when that is what we already naturally are?
Looking back I would say that was me in my early years, I thought a life without drama was dull, but it was not because I enjoyed it but because that was what I thought was normal. Now I look back at all the choices I made and wonder why!
Its a profound realisation that people cannot give you what you deeply crave.. a feeling of self worth. The only person who is responsible for me being in love is me, likewise for you, and you and you. When we take responsibility like that we can always bring love to any relationship. And then it is up to the other person to be in it too.
We can’t expect others to be something we are not. If we want true Love it always starts with us,
So true, we have to live the Love we want to see from others.
Wow, I wonder how many people in the world could say this ‘Today I can say: the grass is amazingly green just here where I stand and it does not seem better anywhere else!’, there is so much contentment in your words and your knowing that you have everything you could wish for right there with you.
Many of us can relate to the blog feeling that we too had a pattern of very destructive behaviour towards ourselves and others. And Serge Benhayon has been a tremendous support to all those people that can feel that there was something missing in their lives. Our whole society is geared towards looking outside of ourselves for love and happiness and this is such a lie because to find the love we truly seek is within us all just waiting to be reconnected to it resides in the inner heart of all of us.
It’s very inspiring Judith to read your story about how contented you are now after discovering your own love and healing yourself with the support of Universal Medicine. There is so much angst around love and relationships, once we find the love within it completely changes the dynamic within relationships and what their purpose is.
I used to think that it was a positive and goof thing to show your emotions. But now that I understand the stress and tension that our emotions put our bodies under I now appreciate the fact that I no longer have the high and low swings that I used to experience with my own emotions, and instead am able to remain steady and unaffected by much of life for a majority of the time.
This is a beautiful blog, and these words ring so true for me: ‘there was always something not ‘right’, something to complain about, to argue about’ because in my past that’s how my relationships have been, always looking for what is wrong, what THEY need to change. Now I am focusing on appreciating what my partner, now husband, brings and on deepening our love with each other. It feels very different.
Appreciation is like an anchor into the heart, and out of the mind.
Changing what you describe here in this comment, appreciation as opposed to judgement or criticism is a game changer in any relationship..
Those self-built emotional roller coasters are so seductive, and once on, so very hard to get off. They become the normal way of living – or is that just existing? So many choose to keep their life-time pass to the roller coaster topped up but others, like you, have made the choice to step off and into a world where your feet are firmly on the ground, on a foundation that now holds you steady in life, not up in the air and at the mercy of those destructive emotions.
So wonderful to read the transformation of you in life since you choose to look within for love and let go of the illusion of Mr Right. Very inspiring.
There is nothing better than simply being content in our own skin.
It seems so obvious when we say or read the fact that we cannot demand or get from another that which we are not prepared to give to ourselves… be that respect, care, love…
For most of my life I have not lived this and it is great to have the support to return to this way of being that is not only natural but makes absolute sense.
And the best reason of all to be in love is that we are worth it – 100%. Its a simple truth, to be lived in every aspect of life, in every relationship.
What a profound realisation it is that self-worth and value can only be given to oneself by oneself and only then can one be content and truly love.
We ask if not demand from our partners, the very things we will not give ourselves. Be that self-worth, acceptance, treating ourselves as precious, it is not for others to provide for the greatest gift is to find these within ourselves.
So true. It is a demand and an expectation and this breaks so many potential relationships. Being prepared to Love ourselves and not expect that to come from another, to build our own self-worth, is clearly for all not just for one.
What you share Fiona L is so true, it is up to us to provide the love, care and adoration for ourselves, never to demand that from another.
Living life on a rollercoaster of emotion is absolutely exhausting. No wonder most people need caffeine to get them moving in the morning!
Or all the other addictions which are so common nowadays, like besides caffeine, comforting foods, drinks, social media, games etc. All ways to keep us moving and to not feel how exhausted we are form being on the outlook for the emotions that keeps the rollercoaster of life going.
Yes and then there are all the emotions experienced from TV shows, movies, and music, and we experience these in our bodies as if we were living them from our own situations, adding to the load of emotions in the body.
I love the steadiness that is now a natural part of my life.
Yes, an emotional rollercoaster sucks our energy away.
What I have discovered is that for most of us we are eaten up with self doubt, self worth issues and feelings of not good enough, we become emotional wrecks and then we look out to others in the way of relationships wanting them to give us what we refuse to give to ourselves which is to be seen and loved unconditionally just for who we are.
There is no Mr Right tale without a Mr Wrong one. Our mental maps trap us and do not allow us to see beyond the jail we have built (for) ourselves.
I love your honesty and the beautiful way you express Judith. So many of us can relate because emotional drama can be very addictive. Most people think this is part of life, they struggle with it and often not sure how to let it go. Your sharing helps us understand how easy it is to appreciate the green grass we are standing on and understand that emotional drama does not have to own us, we can be free of it whenever we choose.
Emotional drama is also seen as a very normal part of life, that’s why we have TV shows and movies categorised as “Drama”, we see it as captivating and entertaining and how life is.
I loved reading this celebration of yourself Judith, very inspiring, thank you.
We cannot fill another’s emptiness and until we can truly fill our own emptiness with our own self love we will never have a true relationship with another.
So beautifully and very wisely expressed Mary. And looking outside of ourselves, as most do, to fill that emptiness is such a futile exercise, as although there may be a temporary filling, it does not last, for as you say that emptiness can only be filled “with our own self love”.
What you share here Mary is so true, ‘We cannot fill another’s emptiness and until we can truly fill our own emptiness with our own self love we will never have a true relationship with another.’
When we commit to ourselves then that filters into every relationship we have.
“I asked for something they were not able to give me: a feeling of self-worth, to feel content within me.” This is true of so many relationships because of the pervasive misunderstandings of what love is. We are basically educated through many means, including music and popular culture, that love is something we get from outside of ourselves and often only from a special person, “the one”. We may give our power to an outside source to dictate our worth and value when we are wanting to be loved, when all the love is waiting right there inside of ourselves.
Beautifully expressed Melinda, I agree with you. I also notice when we lack self-worth, avoid valuing ourselves, avoid loving ourselves and avoid appreciating who we are, we struggle with relationships. So, it makes sense, in order to build strong and loving relationships, this means we first have to build that relationship with ourselves. It is so interesting to see and nominate how we often try to do it the other way round and we can clearly see so many examples of how this doesn’t work.
I don’t think we realise just how complex we make life to be when we are so hooked on emotions until we start to take a step back and see exactly what we are creating. I have been someone who has in the past been a very driven person. I did not realise until I let go of the self-created drive, just how much push and and effort I made my life to be and as a result I needed all sorts of things to keep me going, like lots of sugary foods etc, things I do not need now and life is so much simpler!
It is beautiful to appreciate how far we have come and where where we are. Lovely and inspiring to read your experience Judith.
I love the way you appreciate yourself and your choices Judith.
A beautiful reminder that the greatest love can be found not outside of us but within.
Hear, hear Carmel. When we have a strong connection to love within ourselves when we meet each other our level of love can only get stronger and continue to expand. But if we meet each other with a lack of love it becomes draining.
I get the sense here that you have given to yourself a new understanding of what relationships are about and for as you move forward in life, which is lovely because now you can begin again and learn more – about yourself especially but also about how you would like to be with people.
Learning to love ourselves first is so important in any relationship – be it romantic or otherwise.
So true Sue and this is often the most neglected relationship – the one with ourself.
Some are addicted to the emotional roller coaster, they enjoy the stimulation and the distraction it offers that further delays them from feeling the beauty and joy of true love.
When we re-connect to our essence then everyone we connect to is possibly a prefect “partner, as we have found who we are.” When connected the need to find something or for it to fit a mold is lost as the love we are dissipates everything like a drop of water in the ocean.
If we create a ‘hole’, we will seek to have it filled by all that is offered when we do not live true to the love that we are. Hence our predilection for food, drama, emotion, relationships, movies, games and anything else that numbs and distracts us from the true matter at hand which is – we are love but to what degree are we allowing ourselves to be ‘full’ of this love and express it?
The grass only seems much greener on the other side of the fence, when our own is grim. It is not about others but about us.
What a huge change to not need emotion or ‘right’ or ‘good; in your life – but rather make it about truth. This is so loving and as you share here – it is not about using others to fill us up but building a relationship within ourselves where we don’t need anything outside of us.
Ah, yes – the emotional rollercoaster. Even though it caused lot of pain and drama, I can now see how it was an indulgence I chose to be in in my emptiness.
Beautiful sharing Judith and inspiring. I can very much relate to what you are saying, being in one relationship after another, which I ended many times because the love had gone, and blaming the other for not being Mrs. Right. And up for the next partner. More honest would have been, was saying that I longed for a love between us, which was impossible because there was no love in me.
The more we look outside ourselves for another to complete us the further away from ourselves we actually get.
Beautiful Judith, it is true as we explore that our outside view have compared us to the wrong bits, and that our truest view is to be held from our hearts inside.
Judith I enjoyed reading your story again, it’s an enormous sense of appreciation and joy knowing the changes that you have been able to make and can now live – sourced from your own love.
Usually people go on a rollercoaster for the thrill of it but when we make it about Soul and being connected first and foremost.
Being able to take stock of how we move and interact within our lives gives us much food for thought and offers us a great awareness around what is true and what is an old pattern and or behaviour that we may have carried for many lives and or years that isn’t really us at all. Awareness gives us a great opportunity to expand on the very essence of who we are and to peel back the layers that we are not, revealing the true glory that was there from day one.
This is so wonderful Judith what a joy to read and I love this part ” a lasting relationship is built on true love and my commitment to it. It also requires a willingness to open up to the other person allowing their love in, letting go of past hurts and experiences. All it needs from the other person is a willingness to go there with me ” so simple thank you.
“Over these years Serge Benhayon showed me again and again what I was looking for, which is love, and that I wasn’t going to find this love outside of me but only in my own inner heart.” This is the wonderful liberating truth that Serge Benhayon shares with humanity.
I too spent much of my life, way too much, looking for “the man who was supposed to be my soul mate and who would complete me.” Looking back now I can see that it wasn’t so much that I had trouble finding him but that I believed that I needed this man to be whole; that he would provide the ‘missing‘ part of me. I often wonder where this belief came from and why did it take so long for me to finally figure out there was nothing missing, that I am whole and rather amazing exactly as I am.
A massive transformation and shows how we aren’t always aware of just how much pressure and critique we put on ourselves. It can be outward actions while the starting point is the internal dialogue and from there how we speak to ourselves colours the world outside and how we speak to others. Building the awareness alone around our own internal dialogue brings a huge change to ourselves and how we see the world and if you are willing to go further then what happens is shown in this article as well.
The love that we have within is there for sharing with the world, through being who we are. The commitment to an intimate relationship offers a great path of support and evolution.
This is amazing Judith – it is the love that we have allowed in, that makes us no longer crave it from outside, but let it be from within us to the outside.
Beautifully expressed, thank you Judith, when we realise we are the one, the one who can bring to ourselves all the love that we have looked everywhere outside to find, our searching then is over our neediness is quelled, we have found the wellspring of eternal love forever flowing from our inner heart and this we bring into our relationships supporting each other to grow.
Beautiful : the love we allow in is worth all the gold in the world, as in fact nothing feels greater. Making love is in all things – we are love , so that when we connect to us, to that love – we only grow stronger. Making love is all about expressing from this true place within us.
Judith it is amazing what the power of love brings into life, and as you say true love begins with a reconnection to our own innermost heart first and to the love within. It’s a very pervasive consciousness worldwide that love is outside of ourselves and only experienced when we meet the illusive “One”. This shows how far away we all are from being connected to our true selves because our essence is actually love. It’s truly amazing what Serge Benhayon’s work can do for our own wellbeing, and also for the true wellbeing of our relationships.
What a gorgeous transformation Judith. It is incredible just how caught up we get in dramas and emotions believing that this is what animates us, and gives us false sense that we are alive. Yet it never fulfils and leaves us feeling empty and needing to seek for more. When in fact what really allows us to feel alive in a way that is far greater than any emotion or drama, is our connection to our love within, the truth of who we are. When we live from this place we then come to know what is feels like to live with true fulfilment and aliveness, where our relationships are founded on love and truth and the willingness to grow. There is nothing more enlivening than when we are open to evolution.
I really love the awareness that no one can give us what we want. It is up to us to give it to ourselves, whether we are single or married. I will now not feel upset if someone does not want to get married because they do not feel ready, the readiness is in the deepening of the relationship first with ourselves. I am deeply inspired by the deepening of energetic responsibility every day, that no matter what is going on in the world, we take this responsibility to express in the best of our ability, the fullness of ourselves.
Living life by our movements shows us a great deal for how much we are willing to then give love to ourselves. It is only when we see how our movements effect our lives and the outside support we crave when all that was ever needed was a gentle nudge to simply move, enjoy and nurture our inner garden and we then see a great shift towards love and tenderness that blooms all around us thereafter.
Judith thank you for sharing your experience when we try to find someone who fits our ideals and beliefs, and especially how we think we see a relationship should be, there is no room for a relationship to naturally grow, it is always destined to fail because no one can live up to another’s expectations. When we let go of those expectations and learn to love ourselves first, there is always room for a relationship to grow, expand and evolve as there are no expectations or pictures driving it forward.
And because you committed to true love and your expression of it instead of waiting for someone to deliver it unto you, you have constellated the perfect man to walk beside you in this journey home back to Soul. This is how it is done. It is very simple and exquisitely beautiful.
Dropping the expectation that someone else has they duty to provide us with the love we are so desperately searching for is a life-changing moment. Judith you me mention you thought your life was colourful with emotions and drama but the quality and clarity we can see and feel in life is so far beyond colour when we understand and begin to live that all of the love we have ever looked for another to give us (and so much more) is right here within us. We see into the universality of life and this becomes our everyday normal over time.
Lucy I still see that expectation for others to provide me with love even play out in friendships. It’s a huge consciousness we hold around the false version of love, it’s tendrils can pervade every kind of relationship. When we bring it back to our relationship to self and reconnect to the love within then we can begin to truly change our relationships, and be with each other in a true way.
Beautiful Judith, knowing you personal as well – I can say absolutely from my observations that you are a woman of light and love herself and does walks beside some one (in this case her husband) in equalness of grace. A woman who does no longer find her living based on being with a man or a person. A woman of her own. This is beautiful to watch and be an observant of. Thank you for your reflection – your choice to commit to love – with or without someone walking beside you.
‘Emotions made my life colourful and made me feel alive, they defined and identified me.’ This is a great understanding to get to – it can take a while to see how drama is an addiction as much as any other, and a substitute for connection and joy.
To detach yourself from drama is the greatest freedom. As we do – we break free of the entanglement and imprisonment of a limited view (you can only look a certain way and not beyond) and we break the chain and become truly aware of what is real and what is not. This is what I have been supported with by Serge Benhayon – contiously so.
We can and do spend so much time looking for love outside of ourselves, whereas it is within us all along, it is our choice to connect with this, ‘Over these years Serge Benhayon showed me again and again what I was looking for, which is love, and that I wasn’t going to find this love outside of me but only in my own inner heart.’
It´s great to stand on the same side of the fence after a similar process of self-realization, accepting and appreciating where one comes from and where one stands today by knowing the true values, principles and oneself that make living life the rich unfoldment it is meant to be instead of the misery it otherwise is.
A lot of people are buried under beliefs, ideals and pictures, many of them being self destructive, how great that you let go of these and, ‘found a deep capability to feel and be love for myself and others, I found a tenderness and lightness within which feels amazing’. Awesome.
“Emotions made my life colourful and made me feel alive, they defined and identified me.” Such beautiful honesty. We can be so hoodwinked into thinking that emotions are us being “alive”. When hooked into this, realising their draining effect, whether they be “good” or “bad” emotions, can be super challenging.
We don’t tend to think of emotions as being addictive but they can be. Even though I don’t drink or do drugs I can see that I still seek the drama and stimulation of emotions, they can be used to fill the space within instead of my essence, the true me, and can be used to prevent me from feeling all that I don’t want to feel in the same way as food, alcohol or drugs might.
Emotions are addictive and coming to this takes quite a bit of honesty.
And how well we have behaved to hide that fact.
And that’s the difference Judith – how much of that love do you allow in and practically live it in your life? To have ultimate love is to live it yourself.
Judith I can relate to putting pressure on others to make me feel better about myself. It was very humbling to come to the realisation that only I can fill that emptiness I was feeling inside. It is an ongoing process, but I can say that I am less needy of others and I am bringing more or me to my relationships.
When we are already love confirmed as an individual, being with another in that expression is a natural progression of its expansion. And to see a couple living in that confirmation and its continuing expansion, it is such an inspiration and makes us realise the lies about relationships, especially in the form of marriages, we have been sold and buying for generations.