From Emotional Rollercoaster to Steadiness & Love

by Judith Andras, Germany

Up until I turned 32 my life was a constant emotional drama. I had been through six relationships, and in between flings and one night stands always looking for my fairy prince, for Mr. Right, the man who was supposed to be my soul mate and who would complete me.

All these men were ‘good’ men, they tried hard to make me happy, but they couldn’t fill the emptiness inside – they could not give me what I was yearning and looking for. And so there was always something not ‘right’, something to complain about, to argue about…. the grass seemed so much greener on the other side of the fence.

When I look back today I can see my behaviour toward these men wasn’t fair. I asked for something they were not able to give me: a feeling of self-worth, to feel content within me… something I’ve slowly learned over the past ten years can be only given to me by myself.

At 32, something changed in my life: I met a person, Serge Benhayon, who reflected to me a lifestyle that was somewhat known to me, however I and people around me were far away from living like this. At first glance it didn’t seem very different, but over the years the difference became more obvious.

Over these years Serge Benhayon showed me again and again what I was looking for, which is love, and that I wasn’t going to find this love outside of me but only in my own inner heart.

It wasn’t that easy to stop the drama – I was what you can call an emotion-junkie. Emotions made my life colourful and made me feel alive, they defined and identified me. But I began to realise that they were draining me and that I had reached a point of deep exhaustion and did not have the strength to continue.

I realised that relationships were essential for my abusive, dramatic behaviour and I decided to stay single for a while to learn to look inside and find myself instead of looking outside for the ‘right’ man.

In this process I realised that I was buried deeply under a lot of destructive thoughts, behaviours and patterns that came into the light once I started digging. I had a lot of realisations, which led to shame, guilt and self-criticism, but in the end it was worth it and I found gold. I found a deep capability to feel and be love for myself and others, I found a tenderness and lightness within which feels amazing – it feels like a mountain stream: full of life, joyful, vital, yet with a stillness and steadiness: I feel and look younger.

Today I am married – a commitment that I could have never imagined I would make. The reason I got married is not because I found Mr. Right but because I learned over these last years that a lasting relationship is built on true love and my commitment to it. It also requires a willingness to open up to the other person allowing their love in, letting go of past hurts and experiences. All it needs from the other person is a willingness to go there with me – and that I have found.

Today I can say: the grass is amazingly green just here where I stand and it does not seem better anywhere else! Writing this I realise what a huge step that is for me and how much love I have allowed in, to be able to say this today!

288 thoughts on “From Emotional Rollercoaster to Steadiness & Love

  1. Awesome Judith how you are now appreciating your life, I think this is the best medicine for emotional dramas and inner struggles. I caught myself thinking just yesterday how much lovelier I would feel if I was to live somewhere else, perhaps in a nicer house and drive better car etc. and then I realised what I was doing. I thought, wow where have these thoughts come from? A lack of appreciation. So thank you Judith for sharing your experience, inspiring me to appreciate my patch of green grass too.

  2. There are so many ideals and beliefs about a partner in life and we are very hooked on these many possibilities and versions, but what you offer here is something completely different, that the love we seek starts with us and that it is with us all the time that we simply need to choose it and choose it for ourselves first which then will naturally unfold towards every person, as it is the quality we live in and not something to receive or gain. Love can not be taken away from us we can only choose not to be love/loving.

  3. What a game changer it is when we begin to connect to the love we all have within – such a simple step that is truly powerful and deeply healing.

  4. That really is what we are all looking for, to be content and love living the life we actually live, not when x,y or z happens or ‘comes true’ but when you are living in a way that supports you to be the love you are and within that all the gold in the world is revealed.

  5. I find it interesting that we think that having a range of emotions is a normal part of being human, but at the same time we are just starting to note that emotions (whether our own or those taken on from others) are the source of our ill health. One day we will realise that all they do is keep us removed from each other and ourselves and also make us very sick. Then we will ask are they true?

    1. A good question to ask Jennifer, for me emotions are not true anymore, they do not resemble how I feel inside and stand out like a sore thumb, what feels true to me has a very different quality.

  6. We are successfully ‘entertained’ and distracted by the drama and emotions in our lives , and then put our effort into solutions and ‘fix its’ that don’t come anywhere near the cause of our issues. We are riding a perpetual round-a bout of emotions so that we don’t have to address the hurts we feel. What I have learnt from Serge Benhayon is that when I surrender, drop into the spaciousness of my inner heart, BE the love that I truly am, my perspective on everything simplifies, and emotions do not play a part.

  7. Beautifully shared Judith, thank you. When we connect to the love we innately are, we are the fertiliser that makes the grass green wherever we go.

  8. Absolutely beautiful sharing Judith, thank you.

    “In this process I realised that I was buried deeply under a lot of destructive thoughts, behaviours and patterns that came into the light once I started digging. I had a lot of realisations, which led to shame, guilt and self-criticism, but in the end it was worth it and I found gold.”

    It is this honesty to look at the destructive thoughts, behaviours and honesty and see them for what they are – a distraction to stop us from living the gold that is within. To keep us on the wheel that keeps us turning and turning around, lifetime after lifetime going no-where, until we choose to stop, look at our addictions and let them go. The teachings of Universal Medicine are an incredible tool to support you to do that, to make long-lasting change.

  9. When we are already love confirmed as an individual, being with another in that expression is a natural progression of its expansion. And to see a couple living in that confirmation and its continuing expansion, it is such an inspiration and makes us realise the lies about relationships, especially in the form of marriages, we have been sold and buying for generations.

  10. Judith I can relate to putting pressure on others to make me feel better about myself. It was very humbling to come to the realisation that only I can fill that emptiness I was feeling inside. It is an ongoing process, but I can say that I am less needy of others and I am bringing more or me to my relationships.

  11. And that’s the difference Judith – how much of that love do you allow in and practically live it in your life? To have ultimate love is to live it yourself.

  12. “Emotions made my life colourful and made me feel alive, they defined and identified me.” Such beautiful honesty. We can be so hoodwinked into thinking that emotions are us being “alive”. When hooked into this, realising their draining effect, whether they be “good” or “bad” emotions, can be super challenging.

  13. A lot of people are buried under beliefs, ideals and pictures, many of them being self destructive, how great that you let go of these and, ‘found a deep capability to feel and be love for myself and others, I found a tenderness and lightness within which feels amazing’. Awesome.

  14. It´s great to stand on the same side of the fence after a similar process of self-realization, accepting and appreciating where one comes from and where one stands today by knowing the true values, principles and oneself that make living life the rich unfoldment it is meant to be instead of the misery it otherwise is.

  15. We can and do spend so much time looking for love outside of ourselves, whereas it is within us all along, it is our choice to connect with this, ‘Over these years Serge Benhayon showed me again and again what I was looking for, which is love, and that I wasn’t going to find this love outside of me but only in my own inner heart.’

  16. To detach yourself from drama is the greatest freedom. As we do – we break free of the entanglement and imprisonment of a limited view (you can only look a certain way and not beyond) and we break the chain and become truly aware of what is real and what is not. This is what I have been supported with by Serge Benhayon – contiously so.

  17. ‘Emotions made my life colourful and made me feel alive, they defined and identified me.’ This is a great understanding to get to – it can take a while to see how drama is an addiction as much as any other, and a substitute for connection and joy.

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