From Emotional Rollercoaster to Steadiness & Love

by Judith Andras, Germany

Up until I turned 32 my life was a constant emotional drama. I had been through six relationships, and in between flings and one night stands always looking for my fairy prince, for Mr. Right, the man who was supposed to be my soul mate and who would complete me.

All these men were ‘good’ men, they tried hard to make me happy, but they couldn’t fill the emptiness inside – they could not give me what I was yearning and looking for. And so there was always something not ‘right’, something to complain about, to argue about…. the grass seemed so much greener on the other side of the fence.

When I look back today I can see my behaviour toward these men wasn’t fair. I asked for something they were not able to give me: a feeling of self-worth, to feel content within me… something I’ve slowly learned over the past ten years can be only given to me by myself.

At 32, something changed in my life: I met a person, Serge Benhayon, who reflected to me a lifestyle that was somewhat known to me, however I and people around me were far away from living like this. At first glance it didn’t seem very different, but over the years the difference became more obvious.

Over these years Serge Benhayon showed me again and again what I was looking for, which is love, and that I wasn’t going to find this love outside of me but only in my own inner heart.

It wasn’t that easy to stop the drama – I was what you can call an emotion-junkie. Emotions made my life colourful and made me feel alive, they defined and identified me. But I began to realise that they were draining me and that I had reached a point of deep exhaustion and did not have the strength to continue.

I realised that relationships were essential for my abusive, dramatic behaviour and I decided to stay single for a while to learn to look inside and find myself instead of looking outside for the ‘right’ man.

In this process I realised that I was buried deeply under a lot of destructive thoughts, behaviours and patterns that came into the light once I started digging. I had a lot of realisations, which led to shame, guilt and self-criticism, but in the end it was worth it and I found gold. I found a deep capability to feel and be love for myself and others, I found a tenderness and lightness within which feels amazing – it feels like a mountain stream: full of life, joyful, vital, yet with a stillness and steadiness: I feel and look younger.

Today I am married – a commitment that I could have never imagined I would make. The reason I got married is not because I found Mr. Right but because I learned over these last years that a lasting relationship is built on true love and my commitment to it. It also requires a willingness to open up to the other person allowing their love in, letting go of past hurts and experiences. All it needs from the other person is a willingness to go there with me – and that I have found.

Today I can say: the grass is amazingly green just here where I stand and it does not seem better anywhere else! Writing this I realise what a huge step that is for me and how much love I have allowed in, to be able to say this today!

306 thoughts on “From Emotional Rollercoaster to Steadiness & Love

  1. Awesome Judith how you are now appreciating your life, I think this is the best medicine for emotional dramas and inner struggles. I caught myself thinking just yesterday how much lovelier I would feel if I was to live somewhere else, perhaps in a nicer house and drive better car etc. and then I realised what I was doing. I thought, wow where have these thoughts come from? A lack of appreciation. So thank you Judith for sharing your experience, inspiring me to appreciate my patch of green grass too.

  2. There are so many ideals and beliefs about a partner in life and we are very hooked on these many possibilities and versions, but what you offer here is something completely different, that the love we seek starts with us and that it is with us all the time that we simply need to choose it and choose it for ourselves first which then will naturally unfold towards every person, as it is the quality we live in and not something to receive or gain. Love can not be taken away from us we can only choose not to be love/loving.

  3. What a game changer it is when we begin to connect to the love we all have within – such a simple step that is truly powerful and deeply healing.

  4. That really is what we are all looking for, to be content and love living the life we actually live, not when x,y or z happens or ‘comes true’ but when you are living in a way that supports you to be the love you are and within that all the gold in the world is revealed.

  5. I find it interesting that we think that having a range of emotions is a normal part of being human, but at the same time we are just starting to note that emotions (whether our own or those taken on from others) are the source of our ill health. One day we will realise that all they do is keep us removed from each other and ourselves and also make us very sick. Then we will ask are they true?

    1. A good question to ask Jennifer, for me emotions are not true anymore, they do not resemble how I feel inside and stand out like a sore thumb, what feels true to me has a very different quality.

    2. Jennifer this is very true, we have normalised alcohol even though it’s scientifically proven to be linked to cancer, and it may be one day in the future we begin to understand how our emotions are linked to illness and disease also. Emotions one day may be considered just as toxic and poisonous to the body as substances we ingest.

  6. We are successfully ‘entertained’ and distracted by the drama and emotions in our lives , and then put our effort into solutions and ‘fix its’ that don’t come anywhere near the cause of our issues. We are riding a perpetual round-a bout of emotions so that we don’t have to address the hurts we feel. What I have learnt from Serge Benhayon is that when I surrender, drop into the spaciousness of my inner heart, BE the love that I truly am, my perspective on everything simplifies, and emotions do not play a part.

  7. Beautifully shared Judith, thank you. When we connect to the love we innately are, we are the fertiliser that makes the grass green wherever we go.

    1. Life is beautiful when we allow ourselves to be the love that we are, and we have the power to choose this for ourselves in any moment. It’s very simple living this way, as the full responsibility for self takes away the complication we otherwise can have in relationships when we make others responsible to provide us with ‘love’. We then have the opportunity to live a life of true richness from this love within, and it’s given by ourselves to our self. There can be no greater gift for ourselves and the world.

  8. Absolutely beautiful sharing Judith, thank you.

    “In this process I realised that I was buried deeply under a lot of destructive thoughts, behaviours and patterns that came into the light once I started digging. I had a lot of realisations, which led to shame, guilt and self-criticism, but in the end it was worth it and I found gold.”

    It is this honesty to look at the destructive thoughts, behaviours and honesty and see them for what they are – a distraction to stop us from living the gold that is within. To keep us on the wheel that keeps us turning and turning around, lifetime after lifetime going no-where, until we choose to stop, look at our addictions and let them go. The teachings of Universal Medicine are an incredible tool to support you to do that, to make long-lasting change.

  9. When we are already love confirmed as an individual, being with another in that expression is a natural progression of its expansion. And to see a couple living in that confirmation and its continuing expansion, it is such an inspiration and makes us realise the lies about relationships, especially in the form of marriages, we have been sold and buying for generations.

  10. Judith I can relate to putting pressure on others to make me feel better about myself. It was very humbling to come to the realisation that only I can fill that emptiness I was feeling inside. It is an ongoing process, but I can say that I am less needy of others and I am bringing more or me to my relationships.

  11. And that’s the difference Judith – how much of that love do you allow in and practically live it in your life? To have ultimate love is to live it yourself.

  12. “Emotions made my life colourful and made me feel alive, they defined and identified me.” Such beautiful honesty. We can be so hoodwinked into thinking that emotions are us being “alive”. When hooked into this, realising their draining effect, whether they be “good” or “bad” emotions, can be super challenging.

    1. We don’t tend to think of emotions as being addictive but they can be. Even though I don’t drink or do drugs I can see that I still seek the drama and stimulation of emotions, they can be used to fill the space within instead of my essence, the true me, and can be used to prevent me from feeling all that I don’t want to feel in the same way as food, alcohol or drugs might.

  13. A lot of people are buried under beliefs, ideals and pictures, many of them being self destructive, how great that you let go of these and, ‘found a deep capability to feel and be love for myself and others, I found a tenderness and lightness within which feels amazing’. Awesome.

  14. It´s great to stand on the same side of the fence after a similar process of self-realization, accepting and appreciating where one comes from and where one stands today by knowing the true values, principles and oneself that make living life the rich unfoldment it is meant to be instead of the misery it otherwise is.

  15. We can and do spend so much time looking for love outside of ourselves, whereas it is within us all along, it is our choice to connect with this, ‘Over these years Serge Benhayon showed me again and again what I was looking for, which is love, and that I wasn’t going to find this love outside of me but only in my own inner heart.’

  16. To detach yourself from drama is the greatest freedom. As we do – we break free of the entanglement and imprisonment of a limited view (you can only look a certain way and not beyond) and we break the chain and become truly aware of what is real and what is not. This is what I have been supported with by Serge Benhayon – contiously so.

  17. ‘Emotions made my life colourful and made me feel alive, they defined and identified me.’ This is a great understanding to get to – it can take a while to see how drama is an addiction as much as any other, and a substitute for connection and joy.

  18. Beautiful Judith, knowing you personal as well – I can say absolutely from my observations that you are a woman of light and love herself and does walks beside some one (in this case her husband) in equalness of grace. A woman who does no longer find her living based on being with a man or a person. A woman of her own. This is beautiful to watch and be an observant of. Thank you for your reflection – your choice to commit to love – with or without someone walking beside you.

  19. Dropping the expectation that someone else has they duty to provide us with the love we are so desperately searching for is a life-changing moment. Judith you me mention you thought your life was colourful with emotions and drama but the quality and clarity we can see and feel in life is so far beyond colour when we understand and begin to live that all of the love we have ever looked for another to give us (and so much more) is right here within us. We see into the universality of life and this becomes our everyday normal over time.

  20. And because you committed to true love and your expression of it instead of waiting for someone to deliver it unto you, you have constellated the perfect man to walk beside you in this journey home back to Soul. This is how it is done. It is very simple and exquisitely beautiful.

  21. Judith thank you for sharing your experience when we try to find someone who fits our ideals and beliefs, and especially how we think we see a relationship should be, there is no room for a relationship to naturally grow, it is always destined to fail because no one can live up to another’s expectations. When we let go of those expectations and learn to love ourselves first, there is always room for a relationship to grow, expand and evolve as there are no expectations or pictures driving it forward.

  22. Living life by our movements shows us a great deal for how much we are willing to then give love to ourselves. It is only when we see how our movements effect our lives and the outside support we crave when all that was ever needed was a gentle nudge to simply move, enjoy and nurture our inner garden and we then see a great shift towards love and tenderness that blooms all around us thereafter.

  23. I really love the awareness that no one can give us what we want. It is up to us to give it to ourselves, whether we are single or married. I will now not feel upset if someone does not want to get married because they do not feel ready, the readiness is in the deepening of the relationship first with ourselves. I am deeply inspired by the deepening of energetic responsibility every day, that no matter what is going on in the world, we take this responsibility to express in the best of our ability, the fullness of ourselves.

  24. What a gorgeous transformation Judith. It is incredible just how caught up we get in dramas and emotions believing that this is what animates us, and gives us false sense that we are alive. Yet it never fulfils and leaves us feeling empty and needing to seek for more. When in fact what really allows us to feel alive in a way that is far greater than any emotion or drama, is our connection to our love within, the truth of who we are. When we live from this place we then come to know what is feels like to live with true fulfilment and aliveness, where our relationships are founded on love and truth and the willingness to grow. There is nothing more enlivening than when we are open to evolution.

  25. Judith it is amazing what the power of love brings into life, and as you say true love begins with a reconnection to our own innermost heart first and to the love within. It’s a very pervasive consciousness worldwide that love is outside of ourselves and only experienced when we meet the illusive “One”. This shows how far away we all are from being connected to our true selves because our essence is actually love. It’s truly amazing what Serge Benhayon’s work can do for our own wellbeing, and also for the true wellbeing of our relationships.

  26. Beautiful : the love we allow in is worth all the gold in the world, as in fact nothing feels greater. Making love is in all things – we are love , so that when we connect to us, to that love – we only grow stronger. Making love is all about expressing from this true place within us.

  27. Beautifully expressed, thank you Judith, when we realise we are the one, the one who can bring to ourselves all the love that we have looked everywhere outside to find, our searching then is over our neediness is quelled, we have found the wellspring of eternal love forever flowing from our inner heart and this we bring into our relationships supporting each other to grow.

  28. The love that we have within is there for sharing with the world, through being who we are. The commitment to an intimate relationship offers a great path of support and evolution.

  29. A massive transformation and shows how we aren’t always aware of just how much pressure and critique we put on ourselves. It can be outward actions while the starting point is the internal dialogue and from there how we speak to ourselves colours the world outside and how we speak to others. Building the awareness alone around our own internal dialogue brings a huge change to ourselves and how we see the world and if you are willing to go further then what happens is shown in this article as well.

  30. I too spent much of my life, way too much, looking for “the man who was supposed to be my soul mate and who would complete me.” Looking back now I can see that it wasn’t so much that I had trouble finding him but that I believed that I needed this man to be whole; that he would provide the ‘missing‘ part of me. I often wonder where this belief came from and why did it take so long for me to finally figure out there was nothing missing, that I am whole and rather amazing exactly as I am.

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