by Judith Andras, Germany
Up until I turned 32 my life was a constant emotional drama. I had been through six relationships, and in between flings and one night stands always looking for my fairy prince, for Mr. Right, the man who was supposed to be my soul mate and who would complete me.
All these men were ‘good’ men, they tried hard to make me happy, but they couldn’t fill the emptiness inside – they could not give me what I was yearning and looking for. And so there was always something not ‘right’, something to complain about, to argue about…. the grass seemed so much greener on the other side of the fence.
When I look back today I can see my behaviour toward these men wasn’t fair. I asked for something they were not able to give me: a feeling of self-worth, to feel content within me… something I’ve slowly learned over the past ten years can be only given to me by myself.
At 32, something changed in my life: I met a person, Serge Benhayon, who reflected to me a lifestyle that was somewhat known to me, however I and people around me were far away from living like this. At first glance it didn’t seem very different, but over the years the difference became more obvious.
Over these years Serge Benhayon showed me again and again what I was looking for, which is love, and that I wasn’t going to find this love outside of me but only in my own inner heart.
It wasn’t that easy to stop the drama – I was what you can call an emotion-junkie. Emotions made my life colourful and made me feel alive, they defined and identified me. But I began to realise that they were draining me and that I had reached a point of deep exhaustion and did not have the strength to continue.
I realised that relationships were essential for my abusive, dramatic behaviour and I decided to stay single for a while to learn to look inside and find myself instead of looking outside for the ‘right’ man.
In this process I realised that I was buried deeply under a lot of destructive thoughts, behaviours and patterns that came into the light once I started digging. I had a lot of realisations, which led to shame, guilt and self-criticism, but in the end it was worth it and I found gold. I found a deep capability to feel and be love for myself and others, I found a tenderness and lightness within which feels amazing – it feels like a mountain stream: full of life, joyful, vital, yet with a stillness and steadiness: I feel and look younger.
Today I am married – a commitment that I could have never imagined I would make. The reason I got married is not because I found Mr. Right but because I learned over these last years that a lasting relationship is built on true love and my commitment to it. It also requires a willingness to open up to the other person allowing their love in, letting go of past hurts and experiences. All it needs from the other person is a willingness to go there with me – and that I have found.
Today I can say: the grass is amazingly green just here where I stand and it does not seem better anywhere else! Writing this I realise what a huge step that is for me and how much love I have allowed in, to be able to say this today!