I have never blindly or intentionally adhered to any political, sociological or religious movement, I haven’t been very politically active and I haven’t taken any part in the defense of minorities or any other groups’ rights, nor have I been part in any fanatic religious organisation… well, at least not in this lifetime. On the contrary, I have tended to withdraw and avoid committing to causes, projects and missions. Nonetheless, I could completely understand the emotions and patterns behind living a life of investing, defending, fighting and focussing on being right.
I have displayed these patterns of behaviours with my closest ones, those with whom I have some sort of influence and ‘control’. These patterns are very damaging and destructive. I feel it is important to reveal some of these very sabotaging and self-driven behaviors that get in the way of healing, creating harmonious and loving relationships, and expressing the true love that I am.
Ever since I remember I have always been a person searching for happiness. I’ve always had dreams about making life, situations and relationships to be in a certain way and believed that if I make these dreams come true I will be happy. I have focussed all my efforts in trying to make things my way, although I have only managed to experience unsustainable moments of pleasure, happiness and excitement and have always been left wanting more, disappointed and mainly EXHAUSTED. My version of happiness is elusive, and if I go deeper, it is lacking a true JOY.
I know that my exhaustion has to do with my lifestyle, but ‘reacting’ has been the very thing that has exhausted me so much.
I used to think that ‘working hard’ was a killer, now I know ‘reaction’ has been my true killer. The consequences of living a life in permanent reaction, and struggling to let go of these reactions, has been the true reason why I’ve given away all my life force trying to win meaningless battles.
This realisation has made me question a few things:
Why do I react to life and situations so strongly? What is it in reacting, rebelling, fighting, and this need of ‘being right’ and trying hard that I feel so drawn to? Why do I keep using these tools to walk through life?
I react so strongly because situations turn out to be different to what I long for, want, believe and think they should be. I have convinced myself that:
- I always know the ‘best’ way things should go and be. I’ve invested all of my energy and my focus in making things happen in a certain way, thinking that I am being altruistic and fair. I have certainly developed an ability to be very efficient, accurate and I can master procedures in a relatively short period of time and when I see that others are failing or not measuring up, I REACT. I complain and I feel I can teach them the ‘right way’.
- I think being fair is my drive. I want to see that same intention in others, meaning that I won’t give more than I receive because that would be unfair. When I see that others are being inconsiderate and egocentric, I REACT.
- I have a focus on bettering myself, trying to permanently be more in control, so I will be able to show that I am RIGHT. When I see that others behave out of control – let’s say they are unfair, arrogant, careless, competitive, lazy, narrow-minded, stubborn, egocentric, aggressive, etc. – my focus becomes THEM, I leave myself behind and get so obsessed with criticising, judging and complaining about them. I REACT.
- Because I REACT to what I consider awkward, sloppy, and mistaken ‘reasoning’, I can easily engage in endless discussion where ‘reason’ fights ‘reason’, ‘reason’ explains in detail to ‘reason’, ‘reason’ tries to prove wrong to ‘reason’ and ‘reason’ doesn’t care a bit about the other ‘reason’, just wants to WIN and impose its sense of what is right.
These reactions can sometimes slowly be transformed into rage. If I could, I would then punish people and hold them to ransom! I can feel how I become a channel of an authoritarian and dictatorial force. Yes, horrible and ultimately ridiculous. There is an urgency to express both secretly and openly how wrong people are. I want to be right and make my reasons be understood. I feel responsible for making my closest ones see their bad behaviors, woes, mistakes and I feel I am the ONE that can make them change.
But there is not an inch of LOVE underneath all these battles founded in the name of ‘justice’. I have only found very personal and egocentric intentions and a very hurt being. A being that forgot a long time ago what it is to truly feel JOY and express it from within.
If it wasn’t for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine (UniMed) I would have spent all my life trying to control and feeling guilty because of my outbursts of anger, blindly psychoanalysing and fighting myself and others. With Serge’s and Universal Medicine’s support I was able to finally FEEL and grasp what was really going on. I felt supported to feel my hurt and understand that my responsibility was to lovingly deal with it and LET IT GO, and most importantly I was supported to feel that my real essence had nothing to do with this hurt; I just got so used to sabotaging who I really was while defending something that wasn’t me, whilst sacrificing and damaging my precious body on the way.
The truth that I found behind those patterns of behaviour and the need of being right, not only reveals with precision the true state of the hurt that I’ve been carrying within for a long time, but it also holds the key to my healing. The amazing understanding of what is at play and the discernment of which part within me is expressing feels like a powerful beam of light illuminating the darkness surrounding these expressions every time they try to sneak in and take over.
By Luz Helena Hincapie, Architect, Bogota, Columbia
Hate, Fanaticism and Entitlement – The Investment in Being Right