From Self-loathing to Self-love – Rediscovering my Inner Essence after Sexual Assault and Rape

1 in 5 women will experience sexual assault at some time in their lives and in 70% of cases the offender is known .” (Rape & Domestic Violence Services Australia 2014)[1]

At age 15 I started to attend school parties but it wasn’t for the social side of things as one may presume. I attended parties with the specific intention to drink to get drunk and take drugs to numb the emptiness that I felt inside. Being at parties also meant that I didn’t have to be at home, a place where I lived daily in fear of my sibling who behaved in ways that were both physically and emotionally abusive.

One evening at a party, when I was completely intoxicated, I was raped by a family member of a friend. There is little I remember about the rape except for a couple of moments where I became conscious for a few seconds. I didn’t need to remember it in my head – my body remembered it all.

In the days that followed I felt dirty, scared and embarrassed and I never said anything to anyone about what had happened; nor did I approach the person who performed the sexual assault. I felt utterly confused and blamed myself for allowing this to happen. I vowed to put it all behind me but this proved to be more difficult than I had hoped.

A week later I attended another party but I was not drinking. I was heavy-hearted from the effects of the rape and saddened about my life generally. I was approached by my friend’s father who said he could see that I was troubled. I was persuaded to go for a walk so that we could talk about what was happening in my life and although I felt a strong urge not to go, I did it anyway. I overrode the warning signs that I was feeling because I thought someone was showing me they cared and I longed for this very much. As we reached the end of the road there were no streetlights and it was dark. Every part of my body was telling me to flee but I didn’t want to upset him. Eventually as I turned around he grabbed my arm harshly and demanded angrily I stay and not make a scene. I shook free and ran.

Life for me darkened after this time and I withdrew from life more and more. Each day I returned home from school and looked for the right time so that I could take drugs without my parents noticing. I just wanted to sleep through my afternoons and evenings. Taking drugs didn’t stop the negative and self-abusive thoughts but it did allow me to check out from a world that seemed too cruel.

There have been many times in my life since these events where I have felt uncomfortable from unwelcome sexual advances from another and I have never told anyone that it was happening. I had convinced myself it was just me – that’s just what I attracted.

Typically I would fall for someone being “nice” and providing an above-board story. One such time was when a work colleague offered to show me around the workplace as I was new to the department. He was elderly and very friendly until he cornered me in a filing room and approached forcefully with sexual advances. Age appeared no barrier for such actions of abuse.

You may think that after these experiences of sexual assault and rape that I would have protected myself more and cared for myself with great tenderness and preciousness because of the deep level of hurt that I had experienced, but I did not. Instead I became angry and cruel to myself, seeing my body as a target that attracted cruelty. I did not want to be in such a body and I thought regularly of suicide.

I lost trust in human beings and resolved that I was not worthy of love and neither were they. This belief and many others sabotaged my life for many years where I didn’t allow myself to fully love anyone and couldn’t accept that anyone would truly love me either.

In my mid 30s I started to attend Universal Medicine presentations and have sessions with Esoteric Practitioners. I refrained from talking about my experiences of sexual assault and rape for a number of years – partly because I had buried the incident deeply but also because there were other dramas that had my full attention. These healing sessions supported me to develop trust, self-love and gentleness. Life started to change.

The depth of the self-loathing and repulsion I felt towards my body first came to my attention when I began to apply moisturising cream to my skin as part of my newfound commitment to bring more gentleness and care to myself. I found this simple activity to be extremely uncomfortable particularly when I applied it in a nurturing and gentle way rather than my usual slapping on of the cream as fast as possible while thinking about something else altogether. There were particular parts of my body that I did not want to feel such as my legs, chest and breasts and so I avoided these areas until such time that I felt I was ready. After many years of this very simple practice of self-care, I was able to feel that it was no longer the functional application of cream-to-skin but a time where I could really honour myself and my physical body.

I had held the feelings of the rape in my body for over 20 years, and eventually there came a time when it all came flooding through. There was no way that a torrent of tears like that could be held back or buried any longer.

I was now ready to explore the circumstances of my experiences of sexual assault and rape with the Esoteric Practitioners, including how I had tortured myself with self-abuse in the cruel things I would say and do to myself. This torture played out on a daily basis for many years – when I looked in the mirror I saw a girl who was ugly, unintelligent and unlovable. I had told myself I was never good enough or worthy of love and I worked hard to try to live as if I was invisible.

What I had interpreted from the sexual assaults and rape was that to be seen, was to be a target for abuse.

With the support of the Esoteric Practitioners, I came to realise that from a young age I had been waiting for the world to show me love so that I could accept that I was love too … and love-able. When I was raped, it was like I had the proof that the world was loveless and I embraced self-abuse even more. I overrode my true nature, which is gentle, tender and delicate, and became angry, defensive and very busy in a crazy attempt to keep people out – and yet this hurt me so much more.

Even before the rape I had shut down from life, which is why I reached out to alcohol and drugs in the first place. I didn’t want to be responsible for the fact that I was so empty of love and that I had chosen this for myself.

I now allow myself to feel what is happening in my body – it tells me what is love and what is not and this is an amazing gift that we all share. Nowadays when I feel something isn’t right, I honour what I feel and keep myself safe. I don’t resort to self-abuse as I once did and instead I focus on becoming gentle and nurturing with my body and tend to myself as the precious woman that I am.

As I look back at this time I realise that whilst my physical body had been violated, what remained untouched was my inner essence – that part of me that is simply me.

I had convinced myself that the sexual assaults and rape had taken away all that was lovely about me but this was never true.

In actual fact, my inner essence was there in its fullness all the while, simply waiting for me to choose to self-love and to return with purpose and vitality. By choosing to be more self-loving I was able to feel truth more clearly and my confidence and self-worth started to blossom.

As I look in the mirror now I see myself in a new way – I see a beautiful and lovable woman – with an exquisite inner essence that has been there all along.

by MAS

[1] Rape & Domestic Violence Services Australia, 2014, Factsheet: Myths and Facts of sexual assault. [Accessed from: http://www.rape-dvservices.org.au/Portals/0/Users/003/03/3/Factsheets%20and%20Brochures/Factsheet%20-%20Myths%20of%20sexual%20assault%20-%202014.pdf]

687 thoughts on “From Self-loathing to Self-love – Rediscovering my Inner Essence after Sexual Assault and Rape

  1. I wish this article was available for every teenager. As huge a horror as living through sexual abuse is, one could replace this experience with domestic violence, bullying or personal attack, to name a few of the issues that many face in today’s world. The steady committment to remaining with ones essence is the absolute answer to addressing how we are feeling in any of these situations, our world needs the support that this article offers.

  2. IT is amazing that we have the modalities of Esoteric Healing to heal those kind of what the world calls traumatic experiences.
    In the traumatic I feel iT included that it Will stay forever.
    This clearly is not true, the sharing proves that we can let go all the way. We can release it from the body.

  3. Thank you for sharing how you have healed your past hurts and connected to your inner essence, this is deeply inspiring that you were able to turn your life around and truly heal with the support of the Universal Medicine Modalities.

  4. Whats amazing about the Esoteric Healing modalities is that they help connect us back to our feeling of truth. It debases those beliefs that would have us believe that we have to hold onto or maintain these thoughts and actions of self abuse in order to be ‘safe’.

  5. The blame we heap on ourselves when there has been an abuse of trust has a ripple effect so great that the coping mechanisms ensure the abuse if felt in the body for eons after the original assault.

  6. “I had convinced myself that the sexual assaults and rape had taken away all that was lovely about me but this was never true.” This is an incredible journey of discovery, that nothing and no-one can touch our essence within.
    “As I look in the mirror now I see myself in a new way – I see a beautiful and lovable woman – with an exquisite inner essence that has been there all along.” This is a beautiful step in honouring your preciousness. What an incredible and inspiring journey.

  7. “I embraced self-abuse even more. I overrode my true nature, which is gentle, tender and delicate, and became angry, defensive and very busy in a crazy attempt to keep people out – and yet this hurt me so much more.” There are so many varied incidents which get us to this point in life, women and men included. Thank God for Universal Medicine modalities, as l have noted that they are the only ones l have ever come across that fully address issues at their core and clear them out of the body permanently, unless of course, we choose to call them back into our bodies with our movements and behaviours. These modalities are the real deal. A Godsend for humanity.

  8. What an amazing story you share here of rehabilitation from such a horrific incident, unheard of really in such cases. I really get the sense from reading your words that the rape no longer has any power or hold over you and you are really living free of it and have the innocence and purity again you had when you were young. This shows me that even though we cannot change the past we can heal our hurts and our wounds and the energetic scars or imprints can be cleared from the body to allow us to fully move on.

  9. A difficult story to read and hear just how bad the abuse is out in the world, but equally not so in that there is a path to heal this, and the support needed through Universal Medicine. Lucky you and lucky us to have such a quality of support.

  10. Our bodies do ‘remember’ everything. Perhaps this is why we do so much to numb them in an attempt to forget. What I find happens when I do this, is that it only works for a short time and then I become aware again. So, do we continue to numb ourselves so we cannot feel our hurts – or do we allow ourselves to become aware and in that awareness heal our hurts? At least this way, we can overcome our pain rather than pretend it isn’t there.

  11. Strange how we laugh about and ‘celebrate’ being intoxicated – when the heart of it is ‘toxic’. I feel this reflects a sense of disregard we have about our lives as if we don’t really care. I say strange because it is so very contradictory to our loving essence and nature – and our bodies that work so hard to eliminate toxins from our bodies. It’s like we are ‘ at war’ with ourselves when we do such things.

  12. ‘I honour what I feel and keep myself safe’. I have found that honouring what I feel and sense works and realise how much in the past I have overridden this wisdom with thinking. Thank you Serge Benhayon for the reflection.

  13. What a wonderful awareness to come to MAS – thank you for sharing it here. I have trained as a psychotherapist around working with victims of abuse – and my experience is that the Universal Medicine modalities offer true healing. And not just to victims of serious abuse, but to everyone who has been hurt in life…and that is most of us, if not all. That innate essence you rediscovered is there within us all if we choose to find it.

  14. What I found scary in reading this article is just how much sexual abuse is a part of life as a woman. For I am sure not many women have lived their life and not had at least one incident. What I sense is even scarier is that in today’s world this abuse is even more prolific than it was 10 or 20 years ago. This to me is a marker that everything women have done to prove their equalness to men has done little to nothing to again arise the only true thing that can begin to stem this atrocious tide. That is equal respect and honour for women and men.

    1. Yes, here here, equal respect has to be the way to go. We cannot accept the ‘little’ things have no effect because what they do is ensure we tolerate more and the more we tolerate the less prepared we will be to call out abuse when it is needed.

  15. It may seem unfathomable to consider that we have an inner essence that is totally untouched by all of the hurts we have experienced. But, we do and as this article shares, we can choose to connect to it again and feel the absolute divinity that is there inside of us. In my experience no pain holds any greater power than the beauty of my inner essence. It is though up to me to choose it.

  16. “what remained untouched was my inner essence” A Divine truth that should be an essential part of every girl’s, woman’s, boy’s and man’s knowing.

  17. ‘As I look back at this time I realise that whilst my physical body had been violated, what remained untouched was my inner essence – that part of me that is simply me’. This is such a valuable truth to live with daily.

  18. Love this blog MAS. You remind me that nothing that is done to our bodies can define us. Our soul is who we truly are and it cannot be touched, tarnished or taken from us.

  19. To come from a place of such self abuse to a place of self love is not only remarkable, but as shared here very possible. Let’s not waste another moment on any self abuse and open our minds to the absolute beauty we are, for our world needs each one of us.

  20. When we loose trust in life because of all the cruelties we see and experience, the only way back is to build that love from within as a foundation to live from which support in us to regain trust in life once again. As deep within we all are love and the love is unconditional but though the hurts in life we tend to make our love conditional and from there tend to loose trust and as a protection try to escape from life which in fact only makes it worse.

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