“1 in 5 women will experience sexual assault at some time in their lives and in 70% of cases the offender is known .” (Rape & Domestic Violence Services Australia 2014)[1] |
At age 15 I started to attend school parties but it wasn’t for the social side of things as one may presume. I attended parties with the specific intention to drink to get drunk and take drugs to numb the emptiness that I felt inside. Being at parties also meant that I didn’t have to be at home, a place where I lived daily in fear of my sibling who behaved in ways that were both physically and emotionally abusive.
One evening at a party, when I was completely intoxicated, I was raped by a family member of a friend. There is little I remember about the rape except for a couple of moments where I became conscious for a few seconds. I didn’t need to remember it in my head – my body remembered it all.
In the days that followed I felt dirty, scared and embarrassed and I never said anything to anyone about what had happened; nor did I approach the person who performed the sexual assault. I felt utterly confused and blamed myself for allowing this to happen. I vowed to put it all behind me but this proved to be more difficult than I had hoped.
A week later I attended another party but I was not drinking. I was heavy-hearted from the effects of the rape and saddened about my life generally. I was approached by my friend’s father who said he could see that I was troubled. I was persuaded to go for a walk so that we could talk about what was happening in my life and although I felt a strong urge not to go, I did it anyway. I overrode the warning signs that I was feeling because I thought someone was showing me they cared and I longed for this very much. As we reached the end of the road there were no streetlights and it was dark. Every part of my body was telling me to flee but I didn’t want to upset him. Eventually as I turned around he grabbed my arm harshly and demanded angrily I stay and not make a scene. I shook free and ran.
Life for me darkened after this time and I withdrew from life more and more. Each day I returned home from school and looked for the right time so that I could take drugs without my parents noticing. I just wanted to sleep through my afternoons and evenings. Taking drugs didn’t stop the negative and self-abusive thoughts but it did allow me to check out from a world that seemed too cruel.
There have been many times in my life since these events where I have felt uncomfortable from unwelcome sexual advances from another and I have never told anyone that it was happening. I had convinced myself it was just me – that’s just what I attracted.
Typically I would fall for someone being “nice” and providing an above-board story. One such time was when a work colleague offered to show me around the workplace as I was new to the department. He was elderly and very friendly until he cornered me in a filing room and approached forcefully with sexual advances. Age appeared no barrier for such actions of abuse.
You may think that after these experiences of sexual assault and rape that I would have protected myself more and cared for myself with great tenderness and preciousness because of the deep level of hurt that I had experienced, but I did not. Instead I became angry and cruel to myself, seeing my body as a target that attracted cruelty. I did not want to be in such a body and I thought regularly of suicide.
I lost trust in human beings and resolved that I was not worthy of love and neither were they. This belief and many others sabotaged my life for many years where I didn’t allow myself to fully love anyone and couldn’t accept that anyone would truly love me either.
In my mid 30s I started to attend Universal Medicine presentations and have sessions with Esoteric Practitioners. I refrained from talking about my experiences of sexual assault and rape for a number of years – partly because I had buried the incident deeply but also because there were other dramas that had my full attention. These healing sessions supported me to develop trust, self-love and gentleness. Life started to change.
The depth of the self-loathing and repulsion I felt towards my body first came to my attention when I began to apply moisturising cream to my skin as part of my newfound commitment to bring more gentleness and care to myself. I found this simple activity to be extremely uncomfortable particularly when I applied it in a nurturing and gentle way rather than my usual slapping on of the cream as fast as possible while thinking about something else altogether. There were particular parts of my body that I did not want to feel such as my legs, chest and breasts and so I avoided these areas until such time that I felt I was ready. After many years of this very simple practice of self-care, I was able to feel that it was no longer the functional application of cream-to-skin but a time where I could really honour myself and my physical body.
I had held the feelings of the rape in my body for over 20 years, and eventually there came a time when it all came flooding through. There was no way that a torrent of tears like that could be held back or buried any longer.
I was now ready to explore the circumstances of my experiences of sexual assault and rape with the Esoteric Practitioners, including how I had tortured myself with self-abuse in the cruel things I would say and do to myself. This torture played out on a daily basis for many years – when I looked in the mirror I saw a girl who was ugly, unintelligent and unlovable. I had told myself I was never good enough or worthy of love and I worked hard to try to live as if I was invisible.
What I had interpreted from the sexual assaults and rape was that to be seen, was to be a target for abuse.
With the support of the Esoteric Practitioners, I came to realise that from a young age I had been waiting for the world to show me love so that I could accept that I was love too … and love-able. When I was raped, it was like I had the proof that the world was loveless and I embraced self-abuse even more. I overrode my true nature, which is gentle, tender and delicate, and became angry, defensive and very busy in a crazy attempt to keep people out – and yet this hurt me so much more.
Even before the rape I had shut down from life, which is why I reached out to alcohol and drugs in the first place. I didn’t want to be responsible for the fact that I was so empty of love and that I had chosen this for myself.
I now allow myself to feel what is happening in my body – it tells me what is love and what is not and this is an amazing gift that we all share. Nowadays when I feel something isn’t right, I honour what I feel and keep myself safe. I don’t resort to self-abuse as I once did and instead I focus on becoming gentle and nurturing with my body and tend to myself as the precious woman that I am.
As I look back at this time I realise that whilst my physical body had been violated, what remained untouched was my inner essence – that part of me that is simply me.
I had convinced myself that the sexual assaults and rape had taken away all that was lovely about me but this was never true.
In actual fact, my inner essence was there in its fullness all the while, simply waiting for me to choose to self-love and to return with purpose and vitality. By choosing to be more self-loving I was able to feel truth more clearly and my confidence and self-worth started to blossom.
As I look in the mirror now I see myself in a new way – I see a beautiful and lovable woman – with an exquisite inner essence that has been there all along.
by MAS
[1] Rape & Domestic Violence Services Australia, 2014, Factsheet: Myths and Facts of sexual assault. [Accessed from: http://www.rape-dvservices.org.au/Portals/0/Users/003/03/3/Factsheets%20and%20Brochures/Factsheet%20-%20Myths%20of%20sexual%20assault%20-%202014.pdf]
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
It’s a huge amount of trauma to recover from, and it brings an even deeper appreciation of all that Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine offer as it’s not just about recovery and healing, but actually thriving by continuing to live deeper love for ourselves and others everyday – no matter our history.
“I had convinced myself that the sexual assaults and rape had taken away all that was lovely about me but this was never true.” I am sure this feeling is there with many people who experience different kinds of trauma, bullying, degrading situations, etc, it’s really something the whole world needs to know that our essence is untouched and we can more than recover. Thank you MAS, you are a beautiful light in this world showing us all we are the same.
“I now allow myself to feel what is happening in my body – it tells me what is love and what is not and this is an amazing gift that we all share” – this really stood out for me. I can feel how when we don’t allow ourselves to feel and honour what is happening in our body, we need stories to reason and justify what has happened, and in that we become separate.
A beautiful reflection that trying to hide in alcohol and drugs takes us into a dark place but to accept responsibility for all the choices we make and reconnect to our inner essence we feel the light of truth.
After such traumatic experiences it is beautiful to read how you say ‘As I look in the mirror now I see myself in a new way – I see a beautiful and lovable woman – with an exquisite inner essence that has been there all along.’
Many of us may experience or witness some dark behaviours that impose on us and change how we are from then on. I have some that I too would not necessary express to anyone and try to push down and away. Using the esoteric way and understanding all is energy supported me to feel and understand the bigger picture of why this type of crushing and torturous behaviour abounds our world. I am able to be aware of letting it go and accept that there is other energies that come through people and not from them.
One of the surprising things is how much our bodies remember trauma and in what detail even when we are semi- or unconscious.
Beautifully said Elizabeth, no matter what anyone does or says about us they can never touch or destroy our connection to our Soul.
MAS this is a powerful testimony that should be front page news, as many feel they can never recover or heal such trauma or grief. The Esoteric Modalities are simply divine, deeply healing and very powerful… thank you for sharing your story so openly, the truth about these modalities need to be shared far and wide.
This is a powerful testimony, of the true support Serge Benhayon and the Esoteric Modalities bring, and of your commitment to healing yourself.
There are so many women from all walks of life who can testify to the absolute integrity of Serge Benhayon, I for one can certainly sniff out when something feels untrue and there is no part of me whatsoever that is in any doubt about the quality of the teachings of Universal Medicine.
Thank you so much for writing this. It’s inspired me to reflect on where am I at with my trust in the world, and my trust in myself. I know I have taken on abuses and stored them in my body and then believed them a defective part of me when they are not. Reading this I see there is a far deeper surrender to myself I can embrace and in this connection I can release what doesn’t belong knowing it is not a part of me and never was..
This is a great testimony of the sincere healing approach of Serge Benhayon and the modalities taught by Universal Medicine, its integrity and deep understanding and respect for clients and women especially that many people have had the opportunity to experience over and over again.
And then there is one woman who currently argues in the supreme court that she was ‘discerned’ about the esoteric techniques and felt uncomfortable in a treatment with Serge Benhayon in 2005 without any solid argument or fact but by simply portraying the whole matter with subtle undertones and innuendoes in order to feed the sensationalism of the media and public.
There are hundreds of women who can testify to the utmost respect and integrity of Serge Benhayon as an essential part of the great effect on their healing process as women, and then there is one making claims (no facts) online, in the media and now in the court to denigrate not just Serge Benhayon and the esoteric modalities but also the women who benefitted profoundly from it.
How does it make sense that innuendos appear to have more weight in the media than first-hand testimonies?! It is revealing of what we have the world made to be and what we like it to be for a little longer.
When the media have an agenda they are comfortable working in a fact-free environment. “Never let the facts get in the way of a good story” is a serious direction and not a joke.
Absolutely Alexander, I agree with all you share here.
It shows how imposing imprints stored in the body keep us from who we are but never can touch the essence, therefore the need to identify and release the imprinted energy from certain events to set free what lays underneath to be re-connected to. That is a main capacity of the esoteric modalities by Universal Medicine that has helped many and will support many more to come to restore their sense of true self, a much needed process that works complementary to medicine.
Yes our essence can never be touched, no matter how serious the trauma.
When we are at the receiving end of abuse, which can be as serious as described here or in milder form, we have a tendency to go hard to protect ourselves. That provides relief but no resolution. To resolve why this is happening to us we need to increase our awareness by observing and being honest about what we observe. This can lead to understanding of what is happening and what to do.
I’ve read your blog a few times before but every time I am struck by how incredible what you are saying is – that no matter what happens to us we are always untouchably beautiful inside – and no matter what we think nothing can ever, ever change that. Incredible.
‘By choosing to be more self-loving I was able to feel truth more clearly and my confidence and self-worth started to blossom.’.. this was beautiful to read. That by taking more and deeper care of ourselves, by loving ourselves more deeply, we know the truth of things more deeply and clearly too. Our bodies cannot reflect the truth of very much if they’re run down, exhausted and neglected: the reflection is too muddy and unclear, too much debris in the way.
By choosing to love and care for ourselves we know the truth of things more deeply, ‘ I didn’t want to be responsible for the fact that I was so empty of love and that I had chosen this for myself.’
When we make life about overriding what we feel, we only disempower ourselves and leave ourselves at the mercy of others or forces that further push us into misery.
I am deeply touched that you are able to share your story – it is a absolute healing and a blessing for us all to read.
It is sad how so many of us have not been met, loved and adored as children and not brought up to love, value and adore ourselves because if we had we would not allow or accept abuse in our lives and equally would not be abusive.
I agree Nicola, that’s so very sad. We can however live in a loving way that honours us and this reflects out to the world, without necessarily having to say anything to another. But I do love meeting, valuing and loving the children I meet in my school volunteering job.
What a crazy statistic that 1 in 5 women will experience sexual assault in their lives – even if it is was only one woman on the planet that would be one too many – same applies for so many of these disgraceful statistics that we appear to be almost immune to or at least don’t truly consider the consequences and question what is truly going on.
Thank God for Universal Medicine and its practitioners who are supporting people to lovingly and honestly look at situations and heal and let go of the trauma (big and small) to return being the love that they truly are.
Absolutely, thank God for Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and its practitioners who are showing us a different way of living, and supporting us to truly heal.
It does not matter what happens to one’s body, one’s inner-essence is not touched. As you share MAS with loving support and the willingness to heal one can re-connect to and live from that essence free of the pain of the hurts and traumas.
Reading this brings true purpose to loving myself and others deeply because what can happen when we don’t is all you have experienced this lifetime.
Yes, abuse of the serious kind as described here or milder forms of it happen to many of us and dealing with this abuse is important.
What I can feel is a ripple effect of our initial movement away from our true essence – how every choice we make then on, justification and reasoning, it all circumnavigates around but never really touches upon the core of what has truly happened. And while this is all happening, our true essence patiently awaits, never ever tainted.
I wish this article was available for every teenager. As huge a horror as living through sexual abuse is, one could replace this experience with domestic violence, bullying or personal attack, to name a few of the issues that many face in today’s world. The steady committment to remaining with ones essence is the absolute answer to addressing how we are feeling in any of these situations, our world needs the support that this article offers.
IT is amazing that we have the modalities of Esoteric Healing to heal those kind of what the world calls traumatic experiences.
In the traumatic I feel iT included that it Will stay forever.
This clearly is not true, the sharing proves that we can let go all the way. We can release it from the body.
Thank you for sharing how you have healed your past hurts and connected to your inner essence, this is deeply inspiring that you were able to turn your life around and truly heal with the support of the Universal Medicine Modalities.
Whats amazing about the Esoteric Healing modalities is that they help connect us back to our feeling of truth. It debases those beliefs that would have us believe that we have to hold onto or maintain these thoughts and actions of self abuse in order to be ‘safe’.
The blame we heap on ourselves when there has been an abuse of trust has a ripple effect so great that the coping mechanisms ensure the abuse if felt in the body for eons after the original assault.
“I had convinced myself that the sexual assaults and rape had taken away all that was lovely about me but this was never true.” This is an incredible journey of discovery, that nothing and no-one can touch our essence within.
“As I look in the mirror now I see myself in a new way – I see a beautiful and lovable woman – with an exquisite inner essence that has been there all along.” This is a beautiful step in honouring your preciousness. What an incredible and inspiring journey.
“I embraced self-abuse even more. I overrode my true nature, which is gentle, tender and delicate, and became angry, defensive and very busy in a crazy attempt to keep people out – and yet this hurt me so much more.” There are so many varied incidents which get us to this point in life, women and men included. Thank God for Universal Medicine modalities, as l have noted that they are the only ones l have ever come across that fully address issues at their core and clear them out of the body permanently, unless of course, we choose to call them back into our bodies with our movements and behaviours. These modalities are the real deal. A Godsend for humanity.
What an amazing story you share here of rehabilitation from such a horrific incident, unheard of really in such cases. I really get the sense from reading your words that the rape no longer has any power or hold over you and you are really living free of it and have the innocence and purity again you had when you were young. This shows me that even though we cannot change the past we can heal our hurts and our wounds and the energetic scars or imprints can be cleared from the body to allow us to fully move on.
A difficult story to read and hear just how bad the abuse is out in the world, but equally not so in that there is a path to heal this, and the support needed through Universal Medicine. Lucky you and lucky us to have such a quality of support.
Our bodies do ‘remember’ everything. Perhaps this is why we do so much to numb them in an attempt to forget. What I find happens when I do this, is that it only works for a short time and then I become aware again. So, do we continue to numb ourselves so we cannot feel our hurts – or do we allow ourselves to become aware and in that awareness heal our hurts? At least this way, we can overcome our pain rather than pretend it isn’t there.
Strange how we laugh about and ‘celebrate’ being intoxicated – when the heart of it is ‘toxic’. I feel this reflects a sense of disregard we have about our lives as if we don’t really care. I say strange because it is so very contradictory to our loving essence and nature – and our bodies that work so hard to eliminate toxins from our bodies. It’s like we are ‘ at war’ with ourselves when we do such things.
‘I honour what I feel and keep myself safe’. I have found that honouring what I feel and sense works and realise how much in the past I have overridden this wisdom with thinking. Thank you Serge Benhayon for the reflection.
Yes absolutely, we do know, we know precisely what feels safe and what doesn’t and when it doesn’t feel safe I make sure that I take myself away from the situation and honour what I have felt.
What a wonderful awareness to come to MAS – thank you for sharing it here. I have trained as a psychotherapist around working with victims of abuse – and my experience is that the Universal Medicine modalities offer true healing. And not just to victims of serious abuse, but to everyone who has been hurt in life…and that is most of us, if not all. That innate essence you rediscovered is there within us all if we choose to find it.
What I found scary in reading this article is just how much sexual abuse is a part of life as a woman. For I am sure not many women have lived their life and not had at least one incident. What I sense is even scarier is that in today’s world this abuse is even more prolific than it was 10 or 20 years ago. This to me is a marker that everything women have done to prove their equalness to men has done little to nothing to again arise the only true thing that can begin to stem this atrocious tide. That is equal respect and honour for women and men.
Yes, here here, equal respect has to be the way to go. We cannot accept the ‘little’ things have no effect because what they do is ensure we tolerate more and the more we tolerate the less prepared we will be to call out abuse when it is needed.
It may seem unfathomable to consider that we have an inner essence that is totally untouched by all of the hurts we have experienced. But, we do and as this article shares, we can choose to connect to it again and feel the absolute divinity that is there inside of us. In my experience no pain holds any greater power than the beauty of my inner essence. It is though up to me to choose it.
“what remained untouched was my inner essence” A Divine truth that should be an essential part of every girl’s, woman’s, boy’s and man’s knowing.