From Self-loathing to Self-love – Rediscovering my Inner Essence after Sexual Assault and Rape

1 in 5 women will experience sexual assault at some time in their lives and in 70% of cases the offender is known .” (Rape & Domestic Violence Services Australia 2014)[1]

At age 15 I started to attend school parties but it wasn’t for the social side of things as one may presume. I attended parties with the specific intention to drink to get drunk and take drugs to numb the emptiness that I felt inside. Being at parties also meant that I didn’t have to be at home, a place where I lived daily in fear of my sibling who behaved in ways that were both physically and emotionally abusive.

One evening at a party, when I was completely intoxicated, I was raped by a family member of a friend. There is little I remember about the rape except for a couple of moments where I became conscious for a few seconds. I didn’t need to remember it in my head – my body remembered it all.

In the days that followed I felt dirty, scared and embarrassed and I never said anything to anyone about what had happened; nor did I approach the person who performed the sexual assault. I felt utterly confused and blamed myself for allowing this to happen. I vowed to put it all behind me but this proved to be more difficult than I had hoped.

A week later I attended another party but I was not drinking. I was heavy-hearted from the effects of the rape and saddened about my life generally. I was approached by my friend’s father who said he could see that I was troubled. I was persuaded to go for a walk so that we could talk about what was happening in my life and although I felt a strong urge not to go, I did it anyway. I overrode the warning signs that I was feeling because I thought someone was showing me they cared and I longed for this very much. As we reached the end of the road there were no streetlights and it was dark. Every part of my body was telling me to flee but I didn’t want to upset him. Eventually as I turned around he grabbed my arm harshly and demanded angrily I stay and not make a scene. I shook free and ran.

Life for me darkened after this time and I withdrew from life more and more. Each day I returned home from school and looked for the right time so that I could take drugs without my parents noticing. I just wanted to sleep through my afternoons and evenings. Taking drugs didn’t stop the negative and self-abusive thoughts but it did allow me to check out from a world that seemed too cruel.

There have been many times in my life since these events where I have felt uncomfortable from unwelcome sexual advances from another and I have never told anyone that it was happening. I had convinced myself it was just me – that’s just what I attracted.

Typically I would fall for someone being “nice” and providing an above-board story. One such time was when a work colleague offered to show me around the workplace as I was new to the department. He was elderly and very friendly until he cornered me in a filing room and approached forcefully with sexual advances. Age appeared no barrier for such actions of abuse.

You may think that after these experiences of sexual assault and rape that I would have protected myself more and cared for myself with great tenderness and preciousness because of the deep level of hurt that I had experienced, but I did not. Instead I became angry and cruel to myself, seeing my body as a target that attracted cruelty. I did not want to be in such a body and I thought regularly of suicide.

I lost trust in human beings and resolved that I was not worthy of love and neither were they. This belief and many others sabotaged my life for many years where I didn’t allow myself to fully love anyone and couldn’t accept that anyone would truly love me either.

In my mid 30s I started to attend Universal Medicine presentations and have sessions with Esoteric Practitioners. I refrained from talking about my experiences of sexual assault and rape for a number of years – partly because I had buried the incident deeply but also because there were other dramas that had my full attention. These healing sessions supported me to develop trust, self-love and gentleness. Life started to change.

The depth of the self-loathing and repulsion I felt towards my body first came to my attention when I began to apply moisturising cream to my skin as part of my newfound commitment to bring more gentleness and care to myself. I found this simple activity to be extremely uncomfortable particularly when I applied it in a nurturing and gentle way rather than my usual slapping on of the cream as fast as possible while thinking about something else altogether. There were particular parts of my body that I did not want to feel such as my legs, chest and breasts and so I avoided these areas until such time that I felt I was ready. After many years of this very simple practice of self-care, I was able to feel that it was no longer the functional application of cream-to-skin but a time where I could really honour myself and my physical body.

I had held the feelings of the rape in my body for over 20 years, and eventually there came a time when it all came flooding through. There was no way that a torrent of tears like that could be held back or buried any longer.

I was now ready to explore the circumstances of my experiences of sexual assault and rape with the Esoteric Practitioners, including how I had tortured myself with self-abuse in the cruel things I would say and do to myself. This torture played out on a daily basis for many years – when I looked in the mirror I saw a girl who was ugly, unintelligent and unlovable. I had told myself I was never good enough or worthy of love and I worked hard to try to live as if I was invisible.

What I had interpreted from the sexual assaults and rape was that to be seen, was to be a target for abuse.

With the support of the Esoteric Practitioners, I came to realise that from a young age I had been waiting for the world to show me love so that I could accept that I was love too … and love-able. When I was raped, it was like I had the proof that the world was loveless and I embraced self-abuse even more. I overrode my true nature, which is gentle, tender and delicate, and became angry, defensive and very busy in a crazy attempt to keep people out – and yet this hurt me so much more.

Even before the rape I had shut down from life, which is why I reached out to alcohol and drugs in the first place. I didn’t want to be responsible for the fact that I was so empty of love and that I had chosen this for myself.

I now allow myself to feel what is happening in my body – it tells me what is love and what is not and this is an amazing gift that we all share. Nowadays when I feel something isn’t right, I honour what I feel and keep myself safe. I don’t resort to self-abuse as I once did and instead I focus on becoming gentle and nurturing with my body and tend to myself as the precious woman that I am.

As I look back at this time I realise that whilst my physical body had been violated, what remained untouched was my inner essence – that part of me that is simply me.

I had convinced myself that the sexual assaults and rape had taken away all that was lovely about me but this was never true.

In actual fact, my inner essence was there in its fullness all the while, simply waiting for me to choose to self-love and to return with purpose and vitality. By choosing to be more self-loving I was able to feel truth more clearly and my confidence and self-worth started to blossom.

As I look in the mirror now I see myself in a new way – I see a beautiful and lovable woman – with an exquisite inner essence that has been there all along.

by MAS

[1] Rape & Domestic Violence Services Australia, 2014, Factsheet: Myths and Facts of sexual assault. [Accessed from: http://www.rape-dvservices.org.au/Portals/0/Users/003/03/3/Factsheets%20and%20Brochures/Factsheet%20-%20Myths%20of%20sexual%20assault%20-%202014.pdf]

641 thoughts on “From Self-loathing to Self-love – Rediscovering my Inner Essence after Sexual Assault and Rape

  1. It is gorgeous to read that although the mind and body can be deeply traumatised, there is a beauty inside that remains forever untouched, one that can be connected to and then expanded to heal through love all that has passed before.

    1. Beautifully said Samantha for when we become aware of that inner beauty, our innermost that we all innately hold within equally, we begin to realise all our hurts and traumas no matter how deep actually lie outside of this innermost and therefore as we heal and let the burdens of these hurts go we naturally lighten up.

  2. MAS, thank you for sharing your personal life and the horrific events that you experienced. You are a true inspiration to us all.

  3. Thanks for sharing your story. I found it to be very honest and real. Yes letting go of hardness in our bodies is beautiful. Sometimes there is a mountain of tears waiting to come out because it makes us realise that we haven’t lived with love for so long.

  4. MAS thank you for sharing this. There are so many ways we turn away from ourselves, I know I did this myself in many ways similar to yourself, until one day it just became unbearable. Universal Medicine teachings showed me another way to view life and myself. Taking responsibility for myself has been THE greatest thing I’ve ever done for me, I’ve learnt how beautiful, amazing and loveable I really am, and now know it is possible to heal your hurts and rediscover who you truly are.

  5. Thank you for sharing your experience MAS. It was deeply touching to read and there were many parts that I could very strongly relate to. I think many people without having been physically raped and abused as you have described would have experienced many other forms of loveless and abusive behaviour. You wrote the following: “You may think that after these experiences of sexual assault and rape that I would have protected myself more and cared for myself with great tenderness and preciousness because of the deep level of hurt that I had experienced, but I did not.” which I found particularly interesting. What struck me rather shockingly is that I wouldn’t actually think that after receiving abuse you would take great care of your preciousness. It also occurred to me how awful and very strange it is that we don’t think like that across the board. For example I noticed in the past that if I ate a piece of chocolate cake which was abusive to my body I immediately felt like eating more or poisoning myself further. In the old days I found that abuse seemed to attract abuse from both myself and others. Thankfully since all the healing I have received from Universal Medicine that is no longer the case and I am free to love and honour myself and ask questions like you have posed.

    1. It has also been my experience Nicola that abuse attracts abuse, and you’re right…it’s interesting how quick we are to cover up one abusive act with another rather than deal with it immediately and clear it from our bodies. We’ve been conditioned in a manner that doesn’t not seem to be working. Thankfully Universal Medicine presents a different approach, one that leaves you to choose for yourself to be empowered and heal.

  6. The statistics at the beginning of your blog are shocking. Why are we not talking about how violence is in a way accepted in our society?
    Your blog is a testimonial to how it is possible to heal and how our body knows it all. It is really amazing to read the turnaround in your life. I love how you say ‘what remained untouched was my inner essence’ . Whatever happens to us, however much we decide to override our feelings, our inner essence is just there waiting patiently until we make the choice to come back to this connection we have with the love we all are.

  7. One of the many things that are so valuable about this blog is the point that traumatic incidents remain locked in our bodies until they are healed. Now we have a great problem because this is not Universally acknowledged, and so many of us limp around in life, carrying scars from days, weeks, years ago, sort of managing, sort of getting by …but in deep misery. So much of this could be arrested by the simple act of receiving healing from a healer who understands how to support us to become aware and gently clear the issues.
    What is equally revealed in this blog is the great irony that when we are abused we do not become more gentle with ourselves, but actually become our own daily abuser. This may not make sense but it is so commonly experienced that we can see it as the human experience. Thank God for Serge Benhayon who has shown us that there is another way to live that is not the perpetuation of abuse and denigration.

    1. I agree Rachel, these are 2 very powerful points of awareness. It makes no sense that we can be even harder on ourselves after abuse has been perpetrated against us, however if we are carrying around self-loathing and/or lack of self-worth before this, the abuse from another just serves to confirm that we are correct to feel this way.

    2. Yes, ‘Thank God for Serge Benhayon’ who has presented ways for us to heal the root cause of our hurts and shown us another way to live. Though I have not been a victim of sexual abuse I see now that I have abused myself in many subtle ways by being hard on myself and allowing myself to be undermined. This is in some ways worse than the physical abuse because we do not clock it as abuse and can put up with it for a lifetime and carry the trauma of it in our bodies. It’s so great to know that it is never too late to heal.

    3. Hear, Hear Rachel, so true. “What is equally revealed in this blog is the great irony that when we are abused we do not become more gentle with ourselves, but actually become our own daily abuser.” And this self abuse continues to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has presented clearly how to arrest this behaviour within ourselves; this in turn changes everything as it breaks cycles we had no idea we could ever be free from.
      I agree with you Rachel, thank God for Serge Benhayon!

  8. This blog offers so much from the shocking statistics at the start of the blog and brings up the concern that there is so much in life that has is dulled down and not given the full attention it deserves to the understanding that whatever we do not express has to go somewhere and this is our body to the amazing turnaround that you have made in your life by being willing and open to true support and healing. Inspirational, thank you MAS.

  9. What a transformation MAS; the statistics you share and your personal experiences are indeed horrifying and very sad.
    What an amazing effort to transform from self loathing to self loving; I greatly admire and am inspired by your commitment and responsibility to your healing.

  10. Thank you MAS for sharing your experience, your life could have gone either way for you. You were able to bring yourself back from a very dark place to a deep loving of yourself. A beautiful transformation, and very inspiring.

  11. MAS I love how you wrote you couldn’t remember in your head what had happened but you didn’t need to as your body remembered it all. It doesn’t matter if we check out with drugs, alcohol, tv or sugar, our bodies have to actively live through everything. The body cannot lie.

    1. Beautifully said Harry. Letting go of the hardness is so very freeing and is usually met by tears because it saddens me that I could hold myself or any person with so much hardness and judgement.

  12. MAS thank you for sharing so openly and honestly, you support many others to also speak up against abuse of any kind and to begin the healing process. Your journey from self-loathing to self love is truly inspiring and supportive to many others unable to let go of this deep hurt – you remind us all that no matter what challenges we have in life our ‘inner essence’ is with us always.

    1. So true Anna, there has been such honesty and openness in what has been shared. It is incredible the support and inspiration that is provided to many from what has here been written. There is such strength, dedication and absolute reflection here that you can indeed come back to the love within, no matter what challenges we are confronted with in life.

  13. Mas, this is lovely that you recognized that your ‘inner essence’ ‘remained untouched’.
    No abuse can sully the purity within and if we stay connected to that we are not so likely to attract abuse.
    It often happens, as you show in your blog, that the same people tend to be a repeated target for abuse as they develop a victim mentality which makes them easy prey for the cowardly sexual predator.

  14. This is a powerful blog that shows so clearly that whatever abuse we have been subjected to by others or by ourselves that our essence of love remains true. Serge Benhayon offers us all the key to love by choosing a way of living that is honouring of ourselves and all others by knowing our essence of love.

    1. The love that we come from does not judge or tell us what to do, but will always be there for us to return to if we choose to so. Serge Benhayon is the man that shows us that there is that love and for me he shows me every time that this love is unfathomable in its grandness and ways of expression. Reconnecting to the love I am, to the love I originate from is now the purpose of my life as this is the way to go, as it is for each and everyone of us human beings, returning to the bosom of God.

  15. Thank you MAS this has helped me to see where I have accepted abuse from others and to also see how I’ve abused myself in turn – something I’m still in the process of healing. I can relate to abuse attracting more abuse and the way I’ve found to stop this is to recognise abuse when it presents itself in even the smallest ways even down to the negative thoughts I have about myself. I then have to consciously move in a way that is very tender and gentle knowing that I deserve to treat myself and be treated this way. This is very inspiring to read and to know that it is possible to return to that deep essence within and come back to the love that is always there.

  16. MAS this is a deeply inspiring testimony of the fact that who we are within, the exquisitely divine essence within us all, is always waiting for our return and waiting to be lived. That regardless however far we have wavered from it, our love within awaits patiently with its warm embrace. I have nothing but immense admiration for you in how you chose to turn your life around. You truly are a role model for us all and especially for those who have experienced sexual abuse as you have when you were young. You have shown that there is another way, that we are not defined by what has happened to us in our lives and that it is possible to heal and live a loving life of fullness and vitally. You are an inspirational woman thank you for sharing your story.

  17. I am inspired by your willingness to deal with and let go of past hurts, to commit to self-love and re-connection to your beautiful essence. That you choose not to ignore or bury what occurred but to now live a life that is not dictated to by the past.

    1. I too am inspired Carmin. It is so easy to hold onto our hurts and bury them and remain a victim of our past so its haunts our present and holds us back from truly enjoying and embracing our future.

  18. Dear MAS thank you so much for being so honest about what happened to you. I am working in an area where I met more women who experienced things like you describe. I would love it if a woman like you – who have changed her live – would talk to them and to show them that they too can change their lives as well. A role model is always something they can look at and be inspired by and to not fall for making excuses that their lives were to hard and therefore they can not change.

    1. I agree esteraltmiks what Mas is sharing in this blog is very powerful, there are so many women who are suffering from traumatic experiences in their lives and donot know how to deal with this other then identifying with the immense hurt they carry of something that is done to them. MAS has felt her power through feeling her essence and has healed all the pain she was carrying in her body, very very inspiring to read and indeed a role model!

    2. It would be great to have true role models out there walking the walk. Sometimes, all we need is to be shown what’s possible when we think we’ve lost the will to try. The power of someone who chooses to love and accept themselves is extremely profound, and the reflection of that person let’s us know it’s possible for all.

  19. Thank you for sharing your story MAS. It is wonderful that you came across Universal Medicine and found a way to truly heal your old hurts and to discover that your inner essence has always been there waiting for you to re-connect to it.

  20. This blog should be given to anyone who has suffered rape or any kind of sexual abuse, MAS you offer great wisdom and healing in your words. Thank you

  21. Wow reading this blog again is amazing – to read the transformation from “I had convinced myself it was just me – that’s just what I attracted.” in regards to the sexual abuse you experienced – to completely changing to “I see a beautiful and lovable woman – with an exquisite inner essence”. This is incredible.

  22. Also thank you very much for sharing all your awarness around how you lived. A lot to recognise in this for me. I will re read again as I am unlocking myself too from deep unloving patterns because of beliefs I took on because of my past. You gave me some deep insights to ponder on.

  23. The clarity with which you share will support many women MAS. You have made an outstanding turn around in healing from these experiences, one that lays a foundation for us all to know that deeply painful experiences can truly be let go of, to make way for living a loving and joyful life.

  24. It is interesting to see that with the process of healing, we must first address what is right in front of us, the disharmony that is most obviously occurring in our lives and work through this to begin to build a foundation of self love. Then the deeper hurts can arise to feel and release, because we have built the love in our bodies to hold ourselves to do so.

  25. Thank you MAS for what you share is touching and deeply inspirational! “In actual fact, my inner essence was there in its fullness all the while, simply waiting for me to choose to self-love and to return with purpose and vitality.” The fact, that the inner essence is untouchable and everything we are doing and experiencing in life is “just” like a layer we gather and store in the body, but in fact is also removable by ourselves – is so deeply touching and self-empowering.

  26. Thank you for sharing your experiences MAS, I found it a very inspiring read to hear a woman talk so openly without reaction about her experience of rape and sexual assault.

  27. It is inspiring how you have turned your life around, MAS when for so many they would be left in the victimship of these experiences. Universal Medicine is great at bringing understanding to the reason of such devastating occurrences which means we can then heal ourselves, with true support, and move on as your blog shows.

    1. Spot on jsnelgrove36 and so worth a repeat: Universal Medicine is great at bringing understanding to the reason of such devastating occurrences which means we can then heal ourselves, with true support, and move on as your blog shows. Also my experience.

  28. MAS, your beauty and awareness can be felt and the reflection you bring supports others to open and live the love they are. Thank you for sharing your exquisite light and wisdom.

  29. In a recent survey of the Australian Armed forces, the inevitable conclusion was that PTSD was much more prevelant then could be imagined. There is so much unbalance in the world now, which brings with it so much horror and distortion of lives, and this is where what Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon are presenting is an absolute necessity, not just to ‘feel good’ again, but to truly heal.

  30. MAS, thank you for sharing your deeply revealing story about your life. Even though I personally have not experienced rape, I could very much related to the having experienced unwanted sexual advances, once from a school teacher and a party when I was a teenager. The self abuse that then followed for many years was extremely self destructive and very dishonouring. It is a very different story now for me and as you have described so beautifully, your unfolding back to love, who you truly are and honouring yourself as a women, was very inspiring indeed to read.

  31. It is very brave and honest, Maz, to write about abuse and rape. I can relate to your thoughts that you were having about yourself and following years of self abuse and disregard. Your willingness and openness to change it and bring your beautiful essence to life is encouraging and can be inspiration for thousands of people. Thank you

  32. Thank you for such an honest sharing, MAS. To now be able to appreciate and feel your beauty inside and out after all that has happened to you is a testament to your courage to now make loving choices for you and this is inspirational for us all.

  33. What I love about your honest sharing MAS is that no matter who you are, or what has happened to you, the fact is; ‘we are not our hurts’, and when we indulge in them we stay in them replaying and attracting more of the same. When we decide to take responsibility and truly heal them, our life completely transforms and we get to feel a glimpse of our grandness…..who we really are. And the awareness comes, better to heal our hurts now in this life, or come back to face them next life in which they may be more intense.

  34. So much of the abuse we endure is what we heap upon and crush ourselves with – and suffer far more relentlessly than the abuse of others. Thank you for sharing how you moved so far beyond this and truly healed the trauma of your past.

  35. “As I look back at this time I realise that whilst my physical body had been violated, what remained untouched was my inner essence – that part of me that is simply me”.
    How gorgeous that your inner essence was there waiting for you; how gorgeous that you returned to connect with the true you.

  36. MAS this whole blog is such a great sharing, particularly “As I look back at this time I realise that whilst my physical body had been violated, what remained untouched was my inner essence – that part of me that is simply me.” Beautiful to read how your inner essence was there all the time, just waiting for you to choose to reconnect.

  37. I can completely relate to this sentence about applying moisturiser gently to your body ‘ I found this simple activity to be extremely uncomfortable particularly when I applied it in a nurturing and gentle way rather than my usual slapping on of the cream as fast as possible while thinking about something else altogether.’ It’s extremely revealing about how we actually feel about our bodies when we make a choice to acknowledge that they are there.

  38. Mas, it’s extremely inspiring to read your story. Your willingness to heal your hurts and not live the rest of your life as a tortured soul removed from our society is a blessing for all of us.

  39. A profound account of how you tried to make sense of a seemingly hostile world and the choices you made to operate within what you had created. But to read your journey out of it is truly inspirational and confirms the crucial relationship with our bodies as wholly reliable markers of what is true and what isn’t or, as you put it, ‘it tells me what is love and what is not’.

  40. Life can be lived either from the knowing that we are from love or from the false idea that we have to be loved before we can be love ourselves. That dismissal of the love that we innately are makes it possible for us being abused and to abuse others and ourselves. That is the honesty we have to come to as this will allow the space for developing our connection to the love that we are and that is all around us. The stupendous love that is behind all of life and is there with a plan, a plan we are all part of and have to play our part in. Once we alle have returned to our natural state of being, the plan will conclude in us living as one brotherhood on earth.

  41. It is amazing quite how much we can change and destroy our lives as a result of 1 or 2 people or incidents and then hold onto them unresolved for years affected almost all of our actions. But then equally, like so many of us, 1 man Serge Benhayon has inspired us to return back to the love that we all naturally are – and so it works both ways.

  42. An amazing thing to have been able to do MAS – to go from devastation and suicidal tendencies to the beautiful and loving woman you are today purely because of your dedication and willingness to healing the hurts. This will no doubt provide a great deal of inspiration to many people.

  43. Thank you MAS for your honest account of your trauma and how you managed to let it go. It is an inspiring read as it highlights the importance of listening to and honouring our body as it is our body that will keep us safe as it can feel everything and has an intelligence far greater than we give it credit for when we stubbornly and often consistently over ride it .

  44. MAS, thank you for sharing your story. I can not image walking in your shoes. I thank you for sharing your inspiring journey of your healing. It has been incredible to read about your healing. Confirming the path back to love is always the answer.

  45. An amazingly honest account of your transformation from “self loathing to self love” MAS, one that I know will inspire someone who has been holding on to similar traumas and resultant feelings of self hate, to know that there is a way to heal. How wonderful that you finally came to understand that throughout your experiences there was always a part of you that remained untouched, your beautiful essence, that has held you lovingly as you have slowly peeled back the memories and the pain, freeing you to begin your healing and to truly start to live.

  46. Your blog is testament to being able to lovingly support yourself after sexual assault. To be open to support, to be tender with your body again and to not think that all men will behave in the same way. There is so much more that comes with a sexual assault than the physical act itself. Thank you for having the courage and the grace to shed light on that for us.

  47. Thank you for sharing this blog with us Mas. Statistics also show that there are many people who are raped or sexually assaulted and who do not report or tell anyone about this. Offering a reflection such as this blog is deeply supportive for others to be able to express and understand what they too have experienced and to address exactly why such abhorrent behaviour is so prevalent in society.

  48. There is a much power in simple steps of developing greater love for self as a stepping stone to greater and truer vitality, commitment and purpose in life. Thank you MAS for a beautiful sharing of healing and rebuilding.

  49. A deeply inspiring sharing MAS that would support many women who have had similar experiences and can feel there is a way to move on from this level of trauma and to truly heal.

  50. What a beautiful story of how you were able to undo all that hurt, hardness and sadness you carried in your body. It was not you, just something that masked the real you. Stories like this show the world that anything is possible. No matter how hurt or hardened we have become, underneath it all who we are remains untouched. Every single person on this planet is capable of returning to themselves.

  51. MAS I love the following sentence as it showed that even if with the worst traumatization our inner essence and our sacredness is untouchable: “As I look back at this time I realise that whilst my physical body had been violated, what remained untouched was my inner essence – that part of me that is simply me.” What an important insight for all to know.

  52. Gosh, what a turnaround. There is no way in which this could not be described as a modern day miracle. The power of healing is there for all and anyone to grasp to start discarding the stuff we hold on to that is harming ourselves.

  53. In my teens and early 20’s I experienced a lot of verbal abuse from people throughout my life, and chose to be in abusive relationships where men would repetitively cheat on me and treat me in a shallow, loveless and disrespectful way. It wasn’t until I began to heal myself with esoteric healing that I began to see that the abuse I allowed and attracted in my life was because of the abuse I expressed towards myself on a daily basis in the type of thoughts I had and my behaviors and choices throughout the day. It’s been a beautiful unfoldment to develop a loving, self honouring and self respectful way with myself and observe others also treating me different without me even needing to say anything.

  54. When we live in the vacuum of self-abuse it actually seems to send a message out to others that says, I do not value myself and my potential at present and are currently trapped within a cycle of abuse so you can just reinforce it by abusing me too which effectively feeds that cycle over and over. How harmful and debilitating is it to live this way. But by becoming aware that we are worth so much more than our past abuse and that there is another way is the very first step to healing.

  55. What you describe MAS is horrific, not just because of those specific abusive incidents but what followed in terms of the self-abuse you spent so many years in. It is very beautiful to read such an account of healing, nothing overnight but steady and true… thank you.

  56. “my inner essence was there in its fullness all the while, simply waiting for me to choose to self-love and to return with purpose and vitality.” When we feel an emptiness inside and abuse ourselves to try to drown the emptiness we attract more abuse from others. When we connect to our inner essence of love we are filled with an awareness of who we truly are.

  57. The statistics at the start are truly shocking and the fact that the abuser is so often known is illustrated in your case where someone used appearing to be understanding and then twisted it for their own ends. It is so important that we are supported to trust our bodies and to not accept anything less than love, as you so clearly demonstrate this inner compass is always available to us – it becomes our choice to follow it with the more self-love we build in our bodies.

  58. ‘As I look in the mirror now I see myself in a new way – I see a beautiful and lovable woman – with an exquisite inner essence that has been there all along.’ This is so inspirational and deeply touching MAS and demonstrates the body’s ability to heal from great trauma once we are willing to unlock the experiences that have been shut away. Thank you for sharing your journey of return to you which offers such a powerful reflection to anyone who has experienced abuse.

  59. Thank you for sharing, MAS. It is so true- our essence is there and intact all the time and it is just waiting for us to come back. What a beautiful reunion for you both after so much trauma.

  60. Rape, sexual abuse and domestic violence in our society is rife; such a scourge on a society that is supposedly advanced; whatever that might mean, not much by the statistics. You have so powerfully shown that we as a society can purge this scourge, this being done by healing our hurts and calling out any form of abuse, thus leading humanity back to a joyful harmonious and loving way of being.

  61. Wow your story is amazing. Clearly no one should ever go through what you’ve been through but I suspect what you’ve experienced will be familiar to many other women. It’s great how you point out that when we go through something traumatic our natural impulse should be to take greater care of ourselves, but instead we pummel ourselves with more abuse. We’re so innately precious, and your blog shows that no matter what that preciousness is ALWAYS there.

  62. No matter the level of abuse one has experienced in their life, it is our inner essence that cannot be touched or affected in any way. It patiently waits for us to let go of the hurts and traumas and reconnect to innate beauty within us all.

  63. The simple truth “to feel what is happening in my body – it tells me what is love and what is not”. Our bodies do very clearly tell us this, I can often go into my head, debate, and to and fro, to not feel what I did, with the ‘ but it came from this person or that’ who I need to be loving, instead of just accepting the simple fact it was not love and not needing people to be certain way.

  64. What an incredible gift to be able to put the past behind you and see the woman you are. Your choices are a model for anyone who’s life has been marred with abuse.

    1. Exactly Heather, no matter how big or small the abuse, the ability to heal remains intact. These stories are so important to inspire and remind us that we are never actually broken, regardless of what happens to us. The most fundamental aspect of who we are remains intact, no matter what.

  65. Mas, thank you for sharing your story with such openness and honesty. It is proof if ever there was proof needed that no matter how horrendous the events we may experience in life, our inner essence is untouched by them.

  66. ‘By choosing to be more self-loving I was able to feel truth more clearly and my confidence and self-worth started to blossom.’ Thank you for sharing your story, MAS, and for expressing how simple it can be: more self loving choices means that we build a stronger relationship with, and connection to, our bodies, which means we can feel more: more of what is true, and more of what is not. As we focus on strengthening this connection, the trust we have with ourselves begins to grow.

  67. Your words MAS are an incredibly powerful testament to the utter and complete power of our choices. You show without doubt how one hurtful incident easily becomes chained with another. Before long we are in a super vicious cycle that leads to a dark, sinister end. The only way to stop this, as you make clear is for us to express what we feel, honour and nurture ourselves and see self-loathing and critical thoughts as the beginning of abuse and not the real us.

  68. Thank you for sharing your story MAS. It is a great truth that even in the worst cases of abuse our essence always remains pure and untouched.

  69. Stunning MAS, you show that no matter what, we are untainted by life’s atrocities, which means every last one of us can heal. What you show is that we are never actually broken… not in the core of who we are, that remains intact no matter what. It is from a connection to this part of us that we are able to heal… which is what your story is such an amazing testimony to… thank you for sharing with such honesty.

    1. Yes Jenny, it is an inspiring blog for those who have experienced this level of pain to show the core of who we are is untainted by anything that happens to us.

      1. Yes agree Lucy, and also an important blog to show those of us who might not have experienced some of the more horrific abuses to see that no matter what, we all have the potential to heal. Holding this to be true for someone can be an important platform for them as we can tend to write them off as scarred for life.

  70. When we absorb and take on our hurts they govern our behaviours and interactions with the world around us so much so that we can become blinded to our own potential.

  71. Thank you MAS for your open and honest sharing about your personal life and the traumas you have experienced. Your story is proof that no matter how horrific the events we experience in life are, our essence remains untarnished and we can choose, at any stage, to re-connect with it and be supported by it to return to living the fullness of who we truly are.

  72. I remember a session with an esoteric practitioner when I had the realisation that my essence and divine love had never been touched but I had only clouded it over. It was life changing to feel this in my body and bust the illusion that I was living under. Even now that session pops up in my mind, and I remind myself that it is I, who has fallen for the shadows set up to disguise the light that forever shines within.

  73. I find it extraordinary how the body waited until you chose enough self love In your life to have a foundation to support you before it brought up the hurts from the past that needed to be cleared. How gorgeous that you had the love with you all along and were able to truly embrace it when you were ready.

  74. I was raped when I was 19 and like you MAS turned to self-abuse to deal with it. I became promiscuous in an attempt to feel in control of my relationship with men. Needless to say this didn’t work and it has only been since I started to be tender, loving and nurturing with myself, inspired by Universal Medicine, that I have been able to let go of the abuse held deep in the cells of my body.

  75. I recall coming to Universal Medicine given up on humanity and the possibility of ever seeing a loving responsible harmonious world. And I did not think much of myself either. I could not even remember how or why I had given up to such an extent. Traumas of whatever nature can impact us deeply. You raise a significant point in this blog that the gorgeous essence we have inside may be hidden for a while, but never ever abandons us. And what an immense support we can offer to self by starting to take care of ourselves even if it is just washing ourselves more gently or putting on cream more tenderly. Thank you.

  76. A great reminder of how traumatic occurrences become locked in our body, and remain there until such time we are able and willing to deal with the hurt that has been there, and beautiful to rediscover how our body has an inner essence that cannot be touched no matter what our experiences have been, and when we reconnect back to our essence, we are able to reconnect back with our own love.

  77. Even though I have come along way from being very hard and critical on myself the subtle, self abusive thoughts can still enter but I simply cannot allow them to bring me down like they once did. I brush them off, pick myself up and see the changes I am making and in doing so I make mistakes but I endeavour to learn from them; as I see it, it is part and parcel of evolution.

  78. ‘…I became angry and cruel to myself, seeing my body as a target that attracted cruelty. I did not want to be in such a body and I thought regularly of suicide.’ It’s interesting how we end up blaming our bodies, the very part of us that has known all along what has been going on with and for us, and offers us, with its quiet messages, the way forward – unless we sever ties with it (as we so often do) in our attempts to deal with the hurts of life.

  79. What you have presented in this blog MAS is amazing learning for us all, the courage you have shown and the choices you have made are inspirational; I really appreciate and can resonate with what you have shared;
    “As I look in the mirror now I see myself in a new way – I see a beautiful and lovable woman – with an exquisite inner essence that has been there all along”.

  80. Wow MAS, I know I have read this before but I thank you once again for the depth of understanding you bring me/ all of us each and every time we read your blog. I can understand so well the feeling that the world is cruel, how your trust was abused. When you describe how you started to support yourself I was struck by the understanding that ‘tenderness can feel extremely uncomfortable’. When the experience of touch is abused it seems to build a wall of protection that can keep those experiences out because they might lead to pain again. Even when we do them to ourselves, a rough touch is safer than a tender touch.

  81. One of the most exquisite truths we can ever be reacquainted with is that pain lies over the heart and never ever within it. Thus it is our task in life to remove these outer layers of protection we have shielded ourselves with in order to withhold the expression of this love. You are such a gorgeous example of this MAS – a great reflection for us all that we can never truly taint nor extinguish the flame of our love within our heart.

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