Recently I had the opportunity to truly feel how damaging expectations actually are. My experience allowed me to see that having an expectation is really just an ideal or a belief about something that we want and imagine will happen. When it doesn’t happen in the way we have imagined, we are likely to be left feeling disappointed, dissatisfied, saddened, frustrated and plain let down.
Sure expectations are often exceeded too, seen by many as being a great thing, albeit still creating a temporary emotion or heightened state in the body that is based on something outside of our control.
With all these emotions coursing through the body, it is not hard to see why I consider having expectations is damaging, with my recent trip to the snow giving me a very clear example.
Springtime in the Australian Snowy Mountains is considered by many to be a very beautiful time with the last of the snow melting, the rivers running fast, fresh and clear, and the animals – kangaroos, wombats, and owls, to name a few, out and about in full force. But on my recent road trip to these mountains, I didn’t notice much of this.
I have visited Canada and Japan during their winters and experienced mountains of snow. The accompanying feeling was glorious as I was awed by the beauty and sheer brilliance of nature – the ground, trees and buildings covered in copious amounts of snow: it was a magical sight.
I fully expected to be awed by the Australian Snowy Mountains in the same way but I wasn’t because in late September in Australia, there is barely any snow left. The mountains never look like they do in Canada or Japan – we champion 15cms of snow as being a great thing, whereby other countries are measuring it in the metres. Having a picture in my mind of what I wanted and expected to see created something quite unpleasant: my expectation was just not met and I was disappointed, dissatisfied and cranky because of it. Where had the joy and delight of being witness to this scene gone?
My husband on the other hand, was feeling the enormity of how marvellous and awe-inspiring nature in the Snowies was. He just arrived in the mountains and simply allowed whatever it was he saw and experienced to be. He allowed the world to meet him as it was, with no pre-conceived ideas or expectations. He could clearly see and feel the silence and loveliness laid out before him with no impediment.
With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen.
With this very simple example, I can see now that having any expectation can carry the same outcome of disappointment or falsehood, regardless of the actual scenario.
Many times throughout life we hold an expectation of how we want it to be or how it should be: we are not open to just letting the world – people and situations as well as nature – show us their own true beauty, untarnished by our own made up reality. What we can conjure up in our own minds is likely to fall far short of the true splendor and magnificence real life can and does display.
Through this experience I have come to appreciate that in not imposing my own ideals on how life should be, in reality it can actually be more remarkable than anything my simple mind could imagine.
I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.
My writing is inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
By Suzanne Anderssen, Brisbane
Further reading:
A True Relationship with Nature
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Oh I hear you about expectations, that is a biggie and a killer to many disappointment I have lived with for many years and probably life times too. Those images or pictures we hold in our minds are the ones that are given to us from someone, something or from somewhere and purposefully done to keep us away from who we truly are.
The best form of medicine is to have no expectations, so there are no surprises, no disappointments but also no elations either. We simply live our lives by being true to ourselves and the rest will follow. And it doesn’t matter what another is doing, we give them the space to be who they truly are too, and one day they will realise that they have grown up or bought up with expectations too.
It is a bit like choosing which glasses we are to wear for the day – the ones that allow us to see truth or the ones that try to make us see what we want to see and then get affected by this not being so.
Not having expectations, in a world where we are conditioned to control the things that happen around us, is not an easy thing to do, but what helps is to see each day and each opportunity as a fresh start and check in to see if we are holding on to any expectations, or ideals about how things are to be…Awareness of this or even of how we are feeling is then the first step to begin unraveling the situation and hence learn from it.
Henrietta spot on, controlling everything in our lives eventuates to many diseases and unsettlement. It’s a no wonder we have melt down moments. The first spoonful of medicine is first of all loving and taking care of yourself and then, when things around you don’t go the way expectations expect, it doesn’t affect you as much as it used to. It’s just a muscle that needs to be strengthened.
It is so true that having an expectation is a way of trying to or wanting to control things outside of us. And yet this means we do not allow space for things to be as they are. And enjoy them for what they are. Suzanne’s example is great and depicts expectations of snow in the mountains, but we can have expectations on another person, or on ourselves etc and this too then creates a situation of not appreciating what is actually there and hence we miss out on the gift that is in front of our very eyes because we are the ones ignoring it.
Suzanne, this is a great way of describing what an expectation is and how it leaves one feeling when one has invested in it in any shape or form: “an expectation is really just an ideal or a belief about something that we want and imagine will happen. When it doesn’t happen in the way we have imagined, we are likely to be left feeling disappointed, dissatisfied, saddened, frustrated and plain let down.”
It’s a great example of an expectation Suzanne and how they impede our ability to receive in full everything before us. Pictures of how we expect things to be are such a narrow view, and if they’re not met then we can dismiss the person or situations when it’s actually offering us so much. The difference between how you and your husband experienced the snow highlighted how disabling our pictures are and how closed we can be in expectations.
I agree, the difference between how you and your husband experienced the snow highlighted how disabling our pictures are, and how they close us to what is on offer. A great example to show the damaging impact of expectations in life.
Expectations really do blind me to anything other than what I want the situation to be. It is really ugly whereas there’s a feeling of lightness and expansion when I allow myself to see what is truly there to be seen.
What a good way to describe the reduction of what we see when we approach it with a picture from an ideal or expectation.
Our emotional landscape is pretty much based on our expectations and pictures that we have – does it get met or not, how much/little of it does it get met? I am constantly uncovering my own expectations and pictures whenever I find myself go into reaction. It makes me realise how I have made the world very conditional. It is amazing how well we know to block out or filter our perception just in case what is in front of us might reveal something that would dislodge us from our comfort zone.
Suzanne our expectations are based on such limited information. Not only that but they are also incredibly biased according to our limited experiences. All in all the reality of anything is rarely going to match our expectations, the chances of life and our expectations matching are usually very slim. There is also a sense of investment in expectations, be that we are invested in something going well or not so well.
When we have expectations we are in comparison with what we are thinking.
Absolutely Mary, and we know how harmful comparison can be.
I had no idea I had so many pictures, ideals, and concepts stored in my body so that everything in a way is controlled by these projections. When we are controlled by our minds there is no spontaneity to life. Interestingly, I feel this was squashed by all the years of seeing a psychologist as I was taught how to function to get through life and cope with my depression.
Reading this just goes to show how expectations get in the way and limit our perception of life, leaving us constantly in a lesser state.
Expectations leave us in a lesser state, ‘Having a picture in my mind of what I wanted and expected to see created something quite unpleasant: my expectation was just not met and I was disappointed, dissatisfied and cranky because of it.’
I realised the other day how expectations can drain us and make us exhausted. For instance I am working in the healthcare and the care clients need is becoming more complex and time consuming everyday and there is a shortage of caregivers and nurses. So I can go to my work thinking the work pressure will be less than the day before or that I can fulfill the needs of all the clients but with this expectation I get disappointed every time and complaining will also not work. To just observe and be with the way it is, makes it lighter and easier to handle the hard work.
Yes and to know that when we apply ourselves we will be working hard therefore what gets done gets done and what is for another day, is simply that, for another day.
Reading this blog I am reminded that we miss out on so much when we project our pictures or expectations on what we think life should be like.
It is a lovely example showing how much we can miss out on when we let expectations or pictures run our lives.
“With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen.” This is a great observation and one that reminds us what we can miss out on when we have locked in an expectation of how we want, or hope, things work out. There is so much magic waiting out in the world for us to experience. All we need to do is simply allow ourselves to trust, surrender to the process and allow it to unfold in its own time and in its own unique way.
Nothing in life is fixed or predicable. Expectations seem like an attempt by us to control things so there is more of a known element to life. However as the with the perfect examples in this article, expectations set up a picture of how we want things to be which can lead to disappointment or a temporary emotional high. Accepting what is there at the time and working with that feels like a way to be in life rather than standing outside of it, trying to control something we cannot control.
When we hold pictures we miss the opportunity to experience what is in front of us, we are in control but we also experience disappointment when our pictures aren’t met, awesome to expose how this stops us from feeling the beauty and magic that’s around us.
“With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen”. Very true whenever I have an expectation I have closed all the doors on the multidimensionality and narrowed everything down to what I want to see and not what is there to be seen.
‘With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen.’ True Suzanne we stick our own image onto something and are judging what is actually there to not be what we expected it to be. Never will life be what it truly is if we look through this kind of tainted glasses.
And how our world opens up when we truly see what is going on.. the beauty of allowing our surrounding to be, including ourselves.
Having a picture of how we expect or would like something to be is a killer, especially when we get there and it’s not that – what are we left with? Not an appreciation of what is on offer but the disappointment that reality is different from what we wanted. Our expectations essentially set ourselves up to fall, instead of coming at something fresh and ready to embrace whatever is next.
If we surrender to what is on offer, allow it to unfold in its own time and unique way then magic can happen.
Expectations about a future movement only may come from our current pattern of movement not present in the present.
This is an interesting observation and comment… that our expectations are limited by our current patterns and therefore static or stuck and narrow whereas life is constantly moving on and deepening and expanding if we allow it to unfold.
We create pictures of how we want a situation, people and events to be and then we are disappointed and possibly even hold to ransom what and whom hasn’t turned out the way we pictured it – our pictures and smashed pictures are harmful and dangerous to our health and we are much better for not cultivating them at all.
I agree Conrad, how many of us carry bitterness around in our bodies from year to year, bitterness that’s banked up because of things not turning out the way that we hoped or expected them to.
This is so true, holding onto bitterness because things didn’t turn out the way we wanted them to, how harmful are these emotions to our health, and then we wonder why we became ill.
When we realise that we are/have been living to pictures and start to pick away at them we learn that there are many, many pictures. And the sooner they are addressed the better, if left to stagnate they can exhaust us and destroy our lives.
How many of us live from pictures of what we think life should be or ought to be? I certainly have and these pictures already set us up to not be open to what ever life presents us with as we preconceive love to be a certain way it inevitably is not. This is not a smart way to live
I have just realised that every time I have had “an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen”, and that simply was because I was so busy trying to deal with the disappointment and the feeling of not having control. I can see that it actually was all about the lack of trust, not letting go and allowing the situation to unfold in its own timing and its own way but wanting it to fit a certain picture I was holding in my mind.
I was moved to tears reading this today, especially this line – “He allowed the world to meet him as it was, with no pre-conceived ideas or expectations”. Could you imagine if we could do this? If we could allow ourselves to see what is truly going on? I imagine our responses would be quite different to the world.
After reading this great blog on expectations, I am now feeling just how much these expectations of how things will or should be plays out like a giant filter on the reality that is there to be felt, aware of, and learned from. Perhaps we are afraid of seeing all there is to see because it would remind us of our true potential that we have not been living up to this point?
Yes, that is a really good point, do we not want to notice the filter because then we would have to admit that we know full well we are not living to our full potential?
Great blog to show how capping and misleading pictures can be, putting an expectation to a situation. It can be a complete setup for many situations. Setting us up for a downfall. It’s a great practice to live connected to ourselves for in this movement we have no pictures of what lays ahead.
I find these images of good/success to be too fast at times. It comes with rigidity that does not want to accept or let alone allow possibilities outside its framework, it thinks it knows best and dictates how life should run for me. And I guess it aided me to develop my organizational skills and efficiency to a very high level, to be prepared and be secure in my pictures of ideals, but in that there always was a self-imposed capping as to how much of the world/people/life I would allow myself to embrace and appreciate. It always comes with a sense of mediocre. There is another way to be in the world that is of more trusting and surrendering to what is on offer, and learning to get myself out of its way sometimes feels like standing on a cliff top and daring myself to jump with no harness, but otherwise, how would I ever know?
A group of us the other day were having a conversation about how we create our own situations, such as placing my car in a car park where someone could reverse into it and dent my left fender – I created the situation in advance for that to happen. This is the same with our expectations, as in we build them up in advance to play out perfectly or not at all, and then we get to act disappointed and go into a reaction. Feeling justified that the way we are acting is acceptable and that anyone in near vicinity of us gets to feel the brunt of our tantrum, and dare I say it, in those moments we do not care about the harm we are inflicting on others.
I love coming back to this blog Suzanne and being reminded of how we limit the true beauty and magnificence available to us in life when we focus on the pictures and ideals that the mind creates.
This is such beautiful blog Suzanne – it simply and graphically puts the issue of images and expectations very clearly. I have been dedicated to dropping my images and yet I still live in a world populated by them – images, images, images! I can find myself reacting to something two or three times in a day which means I have an image about something – whatever has happened simply IS. The way I clock the images and reactions is I start walking towards the fridge to numb the reaction and handle it! I am really getting onto this as it is ruining my diet!
Awesome awareness Lyndy – it is certainly a work in progress and as soon as we clock something that we do not like, this is our first sign of having a picture that prevents us from truly seeing it all and understanding what is happening.
Totally Suzanne, any form of picture and we have already set ourselves up for the potential to react. It’s a continual process learning to live without pictures and expectations.
‘With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen’. I love what you have shared in the wisdom of these words Suzanne.
Expectations are a killer of the magic of God that is all around us just there in any moment for us to receive, when we need to control we are limiting what is on offer for us to feel and enjoy.
Beautiful, showing us that expectations are sitting in the way of feeling truth, beauty and instant surrendering. I love that!
No expectation of the picture we have created in our mind can match the magic of God in nature.
Whenever one feels shocked, or disappointed, it becomes very clear that there we’re expectations being held there, otherwise there would be no reaction but simply observation. And expectations arise from us having an image about the way the world should be, which, in turn, is a protection mechanism. When we fully surrender and allow ourselves to see what is there to be son without judgment then a]one big step in evolution for mankind has been imprinted.
Ageing has a configuration that is natural so when we look at something only with our eyes we see either old or new and this can make us decide what is before us; when we feel beauty it is always ageless and feels the same! Australia is an old continent and has well-weathered mountains where Japan and Canada are relatively young mountains with shape mountain buttresses exploding everywhere. Having lived in both Australia and Canada for extended periods I have seen and felt both and for me when I feel the energy they feel the same. My question is to my-self why do I not also feel each person for the energy they are in rather than first looking at their age?
I had moment of disappointment the other day and as quickly as I felt it I realised that to feel this emotion I must have had an expectation in the first place. Now that was a big wake-up call but one that I welcomed as it was offering me a deepening of my growing understanding of how controlling expectations are and how damaging they are to the quality of our lives. And of course it offered me the opportunity to ask why I needed to have control over the outcome in the first place.
We can only have expectations when we do not read movement; hence when you do not read energy.
It’s a great line Suzanne that we when we have expectations we don’t allow people to “show us their own true beauty”. I had a situation recently where someone didn’t do what I expected and because I held a picture that didn’t get met I felt hurt. In the hurt I stopped feeling and appreciating the beauty that I know this person holds. In the expectations we don’t respect or appreciate people, they instead become almost like a chess piece on our board of life that we want to be moved a certain way.
When we have expectations we fail to see the beauty that is always on offer – no matter the context.
In having expectations, we instantly limit our experience of life to being dictated by outcomes, by our thoughts as casting a linear projection into the future, rather than simply being present and open to the magic of what each moment has to offer.
Expectations are the biggest let down as they rarely, if ever, live up to the pictures created from them.
It’s great to be reflecting any time on the images or pictures that we have… The anticipation that actually stops us being able to be to feel and to see what is truly there in front of us.
So true Chris – in being caught up in our minds about what is going to happen or is happening is we are instantly cut short from truly experiencing and exploring all that is on offer in any moment.
When our lives are like a roller-coaster ride our expectations are running high and when we feel a true feeling of our life is flowing with a forever deepening expansions we are divinely connected.
Expectations are a killer. They give us a picture of an event, scenario, relationship and we run with how we think things should be. We then constantly wait or look for if things are meeting that picture and if things are going ahead as planned. But all the while we can be missing out on what is in front of us.
Expectations keep a lid on what is true accessible to us at any given moment, as anything that is not our particular picture, does not exist.
What a beautiful reflection for you to learn such a priceless lesson. Having expectations is like being carried on a cloud of illusion and when the expectation is not met the cloud dissolves and you plummet back into reality accompanied by all the emotions that come along for the ride; failure, disappointment, anger etc, they are all there making the outcome even more painful and leaving you feeling worse than in the beginning.
What life reveals to us is always there for us to learn from so we can evolve and it certainly seems you have from this trip Suzanne.
Having expectations can be a way of us trying to control a situation, I love what Lyndy shares above, so very true, ‘They lurk in the background of our minds ready to jump in and claim their ground which they pretend is truth, and then watch us collapse into reaction as the expectations are not met. ‘It is indeed very ridiculous.
Expectations can be so sneaky and subtle. They lurk in the background of our minds ready to jump in and claim their ground which they pretend is truth, and then watch us collapse into reaction as the expectations are not met. It is a truly ridiculous trick!
When we have pictures in our mind how things ought to be we will not only be disappointed or especially pleased but we limit ourselves to what there is to see, as we have already framed the picture without having perceived its fullness.
When our mind paints any image we use that image to build a profile of what we consider as being normal and this is an expectation, which has the propensity to get out of control. So Life can be as you say Suzanne, a way to “show us their own true beauty, untarnished by our own made up reality. What we can conjure up in our own minds is likely to fall far short of the true splendor and magnificence real life can and does display.”
Expectations are really just ideals and beliefs about something that we want and imagine will/should happen, and by the very nature of having this ‘expectation’, we set ourselves up to be disappointed or worse if this fails to play out. How simpler life is if we let go of having any expectations in the first place.
Expectations I have found to be all wrapped into how we see or believe something will happen leaving us feeling disappointed or hurt when things don’t work the way we envisioned them. Having expectations also adds a lot of pressure on our bodies and how we move, taking us away from our natural movements and placing tension on ourselves instead. Letting go of these expectations leaves much more space to see the bigger picture and also simply connect to our bodies and how we move for we then cast the next movement or moment ahead by the energy we move in. Moving from our natural quality and expression brings a greater freedom and observation to how we live which feels so much more spacious than the movement or anticipation of expectation on our bodies.
I completely agree, we often have so many more images and expectations than we are aware of and it clouds our vision. Sometimes I meet someone I have been speaking to on the phone or communicating with for some time but never met in person. It is only at that point that I realise I had pictured them at a different height or with different coloured hair and hadn’t even realised that I was holding that picture until I saw something different.
Thank you Suzanne, this is a topic that comes up a lot, as when traveling people are always asking the question are you looking forward to going or getting home etc. The answer that keeps me connected to my inner-heart is that it is one life so enjoying where I am now keeps me present and when I get to the next where ever be it the car, the airport, or the trip itself, enjoying every aspect of a trip as much as being wherever at that moment is a blessing, all this to the best of my ability.
When I was young I hated the feeling of expectations that were put on me by other people , they wanted me to be the way they wanted me to be , to live up to their expectation , this was such a terrible burden. There is no allowing of free will .
Once a person has a picture that picture energetically controls them , for the picture will never be true: it will always be a false projection and so it will always be a disappointment in truth.
The detrimental power that expectations have over our community has become a focus once more in my working life recently. The final school exams are approaching and some of the parents of the kids I am tutoring are getting understandably anxious about how their kids will perform in the exams. It has been a very interesting time observing all the factors that come into play. Many believe in the system and cling to the picture that their child must be successful. In the end it feels fruitful to drop all expectations and pictures and simply do ones best – no judgement. It is the student’s choice and they will reap the consequences.
I am getting to see how my expectations deprive me of new experiences because I make up my mind about how its going to be beforehand. I am catching myself with this on many levels so its good to be aware, and with this I’m starting to be more open to new things.
What a great example of how much of a set up expectations are. We put a block up to receiving all that is on offer before the situation has even occurred.
Expectations are not only exhausting they are also distractions that take us away from the truth that is often right in front of us. Having a picture of what we want or how something will play out and then being presented with the opposite has the potential to bring up a whole raft of emotions, from frustration to anger which then impact so severely on our body. To let go of expectations offers us the freedom to simply allow everything to unfold; and that often is a most welcome surprise.
Expectations are a big trap, continually keeping us searching for an unreal existence externally, and as a form of control – how we translate and re-interpret things we see and hear which thus restricts our way of movement.
Yes our body just is in the moment and is totally fine with whatever happens in that moment when we are present with it, it is the mind with expectations that can make things seem wrong or ‘not how it should be’ because it was not as it thought it would be. It is one to really look out for because it is what can make the difference in enjoying a moment or not.
This is a gem of wisdom to read “an expectation is really just an ideal or a belief about something that we want and imagine will happen”. It’s like our mind holds a road map for how things need to be and have to happen, we literally try to control life, instead of allowing it to unfold before us and enjoy and learn as it does. I can also feel when others have expectations on me and what an imposition this is, which is a great reminder to not have expectations on others.
A beautiful sharing and understanding of life and the control expectations puts on us if we live by them. The appreciation and honesty with which you share is very reflective and special to realise “I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.”
Thank you Suzanne, I was having a phone conversation today about this very thing! This is a great line about how we let our pictures of how life should be affect us “we are not open to just letting the world – people and situations as well as nature – show us their own true beauty, untarnished by our own made up reality.” Giving our power to anything that comes from the outside world, whether is how our house or body should look because of a magazine, or how we or others should be etc creates stress, tension, and disharmony. We can instead feel and read things from our own inner heart.
The thing is with expectations is we can’t keep them to ourselves. If we have them with us, we have them with others too. Did you ever get stopped and see that you were totally missing the beauty of a place or person and think ‘gosh how did that happen?’ Well the answer you show Suzanne lives in the expectations we let go. Like money in the bank we look forward to what we have in mind only to receive a great big surprise. It’s often not pleasant though, because as you say you find yourself feeling short changed by life.
Brilliant Suzanne. I can see the link between expectation and control so clearly after having read this blog. There is a sense of entitlement that comes with expectations. I recently experienced how damaging it is to have expectations. When I let go of my expectations I see life as a reflection and accept what is before me.
Having expectations on myself is a sure route to feeling lesser or not enough, which then leads to the vicious cycle of giving myself a very hard time. Big ouch!
Thank you Stephanie, a great summary and something I can relate to. Expectations also have a nasty habit of always being unreachable so that the cycle can perpetuate. As soon as we allow in from the outer world the expectations we supposedly need to reach, we begin to see ourselves as failing instead of taking in the whole of our life, and appreciating the qualities of who we are and all the little miracles along the way.
It’s so true how if we’re projecting out what we expect or want to see that we miss seeing what is actually there to observe in full, in any situation in life. And this can apply if we put on rose-tinted glasses as well, so to speak, and don’t allow ourselves to observe all of what is going on…
Suzanne, this blog illustrates perfectly how having expectations can limit what is truly there to be experienced. When we want things our way, its like we have blinkers on.
This is such a beautiful and honest blog Suzanne and I especially love the last line and your words of wisdom that are a great reminder for me to take into my day ‘I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.’
I will take this blog and commit to bringing it in all areas of my life, one by one and step by step, but a commitment it is. The reason being, joy is my natural state, anything that dampens it is not worth it to indulge in, so expectations and the disappointment we all know it brings, is not part of the true me.
I have just had a great lesson in expectations, or in other words, putting conditions on life. I had been out of work for longer than I planned to be and during this time I found myself putting conditions on what job, what hours, what location etc etc, and funnily enough no job appeared. Last week I realised that it was time to let go of all conditions, scary for a moment but so very freeing. Within a few days there was a job, a short term position, but one that fits so beautifully into my life right now and in a place where I had actually begun volunteering! I know now that I am not going to place conditions on what comes after it’s finished; letting go of all those controlling expectations feels so liberating.
Surrender is the new black
Thank you Ingrid, how beautiful to read and how very freeing. Life is an awesome school.
I have found that when I have an expectation of something it automatically shuts down my ability to feel the joy in that moment, and accepting and embracing every new moment brings a lightness that is felt throughout our body.
How my life is now, I could never have imagined or tried to concoct or control. Making life about being and having a relationship with all we are in every moment allows a flow to move from each moment to the next – all is simply revealed in this flow and each step is an offering to deepen the relationship. The outcome is less important as the journey never ends.
So True Rachael, outcomes mean we have a condition attached for things to be a certain way. Then we are coming from ideals, beliefs and expectations about what is around the next corner, in our life’s “journey”. When it is always the same road we are journeying on, and it is up to us to learn the in’s, out’s and “step” in a way that allows us to evolve on our never ending path.
Expectations and investments go hand in hand. The problem is not just what happens to us, but also the fact that both are impositions over free will and the evolutionary path of another one. Oneness is a true alternative.
Great point Eduardo – that our expectations effect not only our relationship with evolution and what is unfolding before us but also that of another. We don’t appreciate just how sensitive and connected we all are and that each choice we make, whether it outwardly or ‘privately’ is felt more broadly than we care to see.
When we are controlled by our expectations, we miss out on all that is naturally going on around us, and the reflection that it offers us too.
We don’t let love in (and out) when we come from the expectations we hold. it is as simple as that. It sets us up to be disappointed, frustrated and all other kind of emotions so we dismiss the grandness that we truly are and is reflected in nature, the magic of God.
I love what you present about expectation Annelies – you remind me that expectations get in the way of our connection to ourselves and our connection to others.
Running expectations will immediately and without doubt cut us from from the greater awareness that is there for all. Expectations are like a protective device to keep the world within a framework that feels handle-able. This inevitably stops growth.
It is interesting to consider why we do have expectations and what they actually do bring to us. In general to my experience is that my expectations do never meet the actual reality when I am at the point I had the expectations about, they either are under estimated or over estimated but never meet the actual experience. The thing that then is happening to me is either to get a heightened or disillusioned state of being that takes me completely away of who I really am and does not allow myself to actually experience and feel the reality that is in front of me and the lesson that is there for me to be considered and learned. Running life from expectations will bring nothing else than disappointment or dissatisfaction and leaves us empty that in turn have to be filled with another falsity, a perpetual movement that will not bring us any closer to who we truly are, our true way of being.
Expectations are a great way to reduce everything and everyone. There is such a false sense of security by expecting life be a certain way, instead of being open and ready to receive what is on offer moment to moment, and appreciating ourselves, others, and life exactly as it is now.
I have been noticing how quickly I come up with pictures of how things would be, or rather how I would like it to be. This happens so fast, and usually keeps me on the safest track. And I agree that having expectations is our way of wanting to control situations – so for me, it feels related to the lack of confidence – that I do not feel I am equipped to handle whatever that may come my way – and this can only go back to how I live my every day.
I can so relate to what you have shared, I have had many moments lately where my expectations, ideals and beliefs have set me up for a let down. Not only have they effected me they have effected others who I have imposed upon with these expectations. In living like this we can absolutely miss the beauty that is right in front of us.
We must think we need the thing we expect, otherwise why would we be disappointed?
It is remarkable how often we unknowingly taint things with an expectation of how we would like things to be… the ideal picture. However even the slightest change to this can create disappointment when the picture is not met…. Each time denying the beauty that can come from just allowing life to be and to happen as it should and for us to then experience it as such… free of any control or imposition for it to be anything else other than what it is.
Such a beautiful reminder to not impose our expectations, ideals and beliefs on ourselves and others, thank you for this gentle reminder Susanne;
“I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us”.
The images we create and conjure in our minds blind us to the beauty that lives within and all around us always.
That’s the sad thing about expectations, it breeds comparison and judgement instead of allowing the beauty and potential of anything to be fully understood and appreciated.
A valid point Elizabeth. Using everything that happens to us can be used as an opportunity – to evolve – or stay in comfort – and perhaps wallow because reality didn’t match our expectation, which then becomes a wasted opportunity to grow. .
“….. see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.” So true Suzanne. Expectations are something I still struggle with and although I didn’t think I was a controlling person I can see that is how exactly I am in some situations – all to do with my expectations of how things will turn out. ‘Live and let live’ is a good motto for me.
Living without attachment to our past experience or future outcome grants us access to the full potential of what is at the very moment.
It is so true Suzanne, and so beautifully and wisely shared. With any expectation that we impose on anything or any situation, we instantly forgo the opportunity of discovering the truth and wonder that is naturally there to explore and appreciate.
Suzanne your example shows how very much we limit ourselves by expecting things have to be a certain way and how we are influenced by the image of beauty that we have. I would with certainty say that you probably would have been disappointed too if the mountains had been as you had expected, because how could one place in the world possibly be exactly like another?
I agree with you, Suzanne, having expectation being a way of controlling a situation, and I have had plenty of experience to say that trying to control a situation is frustration breeding and robs me of joy that life has otherwise on offer.
Expectations are super harmful to those on both ends of the expectation – The expector will either be under a false elation or a disappointment and the expectee will feel the enormous pressure that the expectation brings
I am struck by just how controlling expectations can be and how this does not allow for appreciation and in that how we set ourselves up for so much disappointment because situations and people rarely live up to our expectations and if they do then we just tend to raise the bar of what we expect the next time. Dropping our attempts to control and allowing situations to unfold gives space for appreciation and wonder and is so much more joyful. Here’s to saying no to the contraction of expectations and embracing the vastness of what is on offer every day.
Having expectations not only sets us up for disappointment but it exposes how limiting our beliefs and the images that come along with them can be. If we are open to receiving what is presented by nature or people we can experience the full majesty of the world as it is, not as we try and shape it to be. My expectations can still trip me up but I have been lovingly examining them and trying to be light-hearted with it – oh there you go again trying to box the splendour of the universe in the confines of what I imagine a situation should look like – a recipe for unfulfilled expectations if ever there was one! Allowing myself the freedom to go into a situation with an open heart to whatever unfolds offers so much more potential for whatever is there to express.
As I come back to this blog, I can see much more clearly now than before just how insidious theses expectations, images and pictures can be, and how they get in the way of simply living life
Its a great learning that expectations is a false way to go, as it will cap what is truly there for us to experience. When we allow and trust the flow of nature then we are beautifully supported by the magic of what nature has to offer.
The expectations of life are a double edged sword. On one hand they set us up to be disappointed when those expectations aren’t met. On the other they block out all the incredible opportunities that are right there waiting to be had, but can’t be seen as we have tunnel vision on our expectations.
A very mild (and true) example of what having expectations can lead to! Great that you are aware and can be honest about what happened here, to learn and expand for the future
A great learning Suzanne that to have expectations of a mental ideal can so often lead to disappointment but to appreciate how things are and the lessons this offers frees us from the seesaw of expectations.
I recently witnessed on the news the head of the Olympic team carrying on in a grave voice about how Australia’s medal tally didn’t live up to expectations and so everyone was really unhappy. The belief in competition as a valid way of relationship, and the expectation that there could only be happiness if our team defeated a lot of other people provided a pall that was hanging over this speaker and the whole team . . . and what was the ‘solution’? More and more money to be poured in – taxpayers money!
‘My husband on the other hand, was feeling the enormity of how marvellous and awe-inspiring nature in the Snowies was’. Your husband was experiencing the awe and wonder that nature and the universe inspires in all of us when we are connected and open to observation. As you say Suzanne, it is extraordinary how our expectations about things can so blind us to the beauty that is there.
Having expectations is a killer of joy because we miss what is actually there to be seen by the picture of what and how we want it to be. It’s the same with expectations on people, it doesn’t allow us to see them because of what we are holding them to.
It is so true Sandra – ‘Having expectations is a killer of joy…’ It is crazy how much we limit ourselves by the expectations we hold. For me this begs the question as to why we choose to hold onto expectations in the situations that approach us, are we resisting embracing all that we are or is it that we do not want to admit that we like the identification we seek through an expectation being met or not?
I find great expectations often lead to either great big disappointments or great big judgments on my behalf. Being open and accepting of whatever is in front of you is far more realistic, something that I have yet to master but are definitely working on.
I agree Suse, acceptance and appreciation has been key for me in dropping expectations and pictures I am holding.
‘With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen’. Beautiful said Suzanne and a great reminder for us all that our expectations can both cloud and thwart our appreciation of the true magnificence of anything and anyone.
What I love about your comment Suse, is that you apply expectations not only to things and situations as the original post’s example, but with people. Expectations on people is imposing and judgmental, and with that judgement, one cannot possibly be able to see beyond the behaviour to the grandness/magnificence/divinity of the person inside; a big mistake, or lost opportunity, not to mention and imposing way of being.
Wow! What a wonder-full way it would be if we could exist without having any expectations!
I have found that having any expectations leads to resentment, criticism, judgement and hurts. All in all a pretty toxic blend, all coming from my needs for something or someone to be a certain way based on the ideals and beliefs I have subscribed to.
Having expectations is the easiest way to experience hurt in relationships as we impose on how another should be with us. Letting go of these expectations allows more space and understanding which is essential in our own evolution back to the love that we are.
Immediately I read the title what came to me is that it’s not just the external expectations I have but also the expectations I have of myself that can take away the joy of life.
It seems true expectations are a way of controlling, but equally clear how absurd this is, because things will never turn out just as we might expect. This led me to ponder, do we set ourselves up for disappointment as a way of holding onto an identity, even if not a positive experience?
Expectations blind us to the beauty of the reality that is staring us in the face. And they act as a blocker in our system to being open to evolving constellations. All in all they block the true view!
This is such a great blog Suzanne. Expectations certainly kill the magical stance of wonderment, which opens up the heart to access a stupendous intelligence that is multi-dimensional.
When we live our lives with expectation of what is next, we are in danger of missing out on what really is there in front of us. Meanwhile all the expectations that failed to eventuate fuel a whole raft of emotions, from disappointment to resentment, that begin to eat away at us, so in the end we are being affected from two directions, each as painful as the other. On the other hand, to have no expectations is so liberating and we are always ready to enjoy or embrace all that unfolds before us; so much simpler and no precious energy wasted!
Such a great blog Suzanne and very timely for me to read, thanks for sharing how expectations are a way to control and I know the more I let go of this pattern it allows me to feel the simplicity and joy that every moment offers us.
Thanks Suzanne for putting the spotlight on “Expectations’. Expectation can lay dormant in our lives quietly dictating how we live and limiting all we are. Your comment – ‘With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen’ has reminded me of the way I have tried to control life and within that have limited my experience, caused hurt and made much that is made up of magic and the magnificence of God redundant. There is so much available for us all to live, notice and celebrate. Making the choice to be vigilant about expectations as they creep in has changed my life and relationships with others around me.
Expectations set us up for disapointment
I so agree Joe, Suzanne great to read your words on this seemingly simple subjects, but for me it has been the hub of my down fall. Having images or expectations in my mind will all ways play out differently to reality. And I was at the mercy to the exterior. I got caught up with controlling behaviors and after disappointments of failure, the next survival tactic was to disengage. This is not a good strategy for life, please do not try this at home. Getting rid of expectations is a great start to allowing life to flow.
Expectations are a real killer to any situation in life, they do not let us be and simply perceive and enjoy what is there but puts pressure on ourselves and everybody else, clouding our perception and understanding.
This blog really requires you to rethink everything that’s running your show. I mean, we’re hounded by images – both from the outside world and those that are self-made and painstakingly constructed – with every nuance and detail accounted for. These images and the impact of our self-worth levels on achieving them for ourselves, create a range of expectations that we willingly impose on our daily lives. It’s no wonder we live much of the time in disappointment as we’ve set ourselves up for failure the moment we snapshot the image in our minds.
And its often what we don’t want to see that brings the true magic and grace of what the lesson in life is teaching us to let go of.
I have been experimenting to see if I could really let go of expectations if my sole purpose was on building a foundation of trust in the way I live everyday that I feel whatever would be presented in front of me in life would be of true love, and to utilize my body simply as a vehicle of expression as best as it could – I would not know what/how that is going to look like. This is a new relationship I am having with myself with baby steps, and it is already making my life so much simpler.
Perfect timing to revisit this blog. I have been job-hunting lately, and what has happened was when I got phone calls from the recruiters with potential job offers, I was already starting to imagine how to get to work and what to wear etc. and simulate what it would be like before even getting an interview. Thank God – I have just learnt that coming back to movement is the key to defeating images.
Spot on Fumiyo I love what you share ‘coming back to movement is the key to defeating images.’ Thank you for this timely reminder.
“Having expectations are our way of controlling a situation” – I agree, and in my experience they seem to come in more when I am less committed to life therefore there’s emptiness and kind of trying to skip over to an outcome. When there is loving consistency in the way I am with myself and live my day, I would not even think about what is to come, I am full already.
What you have expressed here Suzanne is so true and such a lovely reminder to be aware of when we have expectations of others and ourselves;
“I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us”.
“With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen”.
I love what you have expressed here Suzanne, by not imposing expectations on ourselves and others we open up the possibility for new learnings and opportunities to evolve.
So timely to re-read this Suzanne as I have seen this at play in my own and other people’s lives recently – ‘With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen.’ I loved this line as it shows how easily we can miss the true beauty of a situation or person when we lace it with our own expectation of how something ‘should be’. A beautiful reminder to be in the moment rather than in the expectation or ideal of what we think the moment should be.
Whenever I have an expectation or a picture of the way I need something to be I always end up disappointed -it is like I set myself up for failure by doing this and it also stops me being in the moment and appreciating what is front of me. Thank you Suzanne for reminding us how expectations are really controlling and stop us being open to the magic of God that is always around us.
I love this blog Suzanne as I’ve realised that much of my life has been about having expectations and then feeling disappointed, resentful, frustrated etc when things havent turned out the way I had planned or thought they would! What I am really appreciating in myself now is how the more I focus on simply being ‘me’ and in developing a level of love for myself, the less need I have to control situations and other people, and the more able I am to allow myself to appreciate exactly what ‘is’ without needing it to be another way.
‘…without needing it to be another way.’ is the key to being able to live without expectations. It is the wanting things to look a certain way, needing them really, that creates the expectations, and so not needing means no expecting. And it can be this way too I have found.
Expectations do not allow for God’s Plan, one that encompasses far more than we could ever imagine. Expectations are like a barrier that keeps all that is possible at bay and narrows and controls our life and the love that is available to us. This has been a great opportunity to reflect on how much power is given to ‘holding expectations’ in my life – thanks Suzanne.
I know well the impost of expectations. By superimposing my own idea of what something should be like I blind myself to the beauty of the moment or the person in front of me and in the process shut myself out of the experience.
‘having expectations are our way of controlling a situation’, they limit our view, create distance from what is really going on, and create a picture that is simply impossible to live up to. How refreshing to put the expectations down and just see things for what they are. It unlocks the potential in any situation.
Expectations also often spring from a need. A need for distraction, stimulation, excitement or some manner of experience that will take us away from ourselves for a while. This can be seen in expectations of how a meal will taste to the expectations Suzanne describes here about how a landscape should look or any moment that we are counting on to offer us relief from feeling our own choices for a time.
What a different landscape the world would be if it were widely known that expectations of and from others that we are counting on, instead offer people relief feeling their own choices. I think the vast majority think expectations are totally fine.
Thank you Suzanne for highlighting the pitfalls, for ourselves and others, of expectations, ideals and beliefs.
Your blog was a stark reminder of the harm that can be caused by imposing on another. What struck me was the feeling of harm and devastation when an expectation from another is felt and absorbed. What a very powerful message and lesson.
we have so many expectations that come not from ourselves, but are fed to us, and until we start to choose what we take in ,on all levels, this will be so.
Expectations are only there to not be met most of the time, which actually brings a constant disappointment in our lives. I can feel how I for long have lived on expectations, but never really acted on that what I wanted, just leaving it to others to decide if what I expected would happen. This is a huge drain as I lay all in someone else’s hands, I can feel this is not working, and taking responsibility works much better. I can claim that what I feel and truly observe what is going on without any preconceived ideas.
“When we let go of expectations and accept what just is, we can appreciate all that there is.” Love this sentence Mary you are spot on, I find every time I have an expectation I am setting myself up for disappointment as there is not enough clarity and true understanding of the situation to accept it as it is.
Having expectations can often leave me disappointed and not seeing what there is to appreciate. It leaves me with a sense that everything in my life is lacking. I see the smashed picture but not the perfection in the imperfection of the circumstances.
Suzanne just yesterday I felt tension and disappointment, the joy I woke up with faded. I was working on my iPad expecting to clean out one of my email accounts, having gone half way through cleaning, they all reloaded. Later to realise this email account downloads to my laptop and until they are not moved from my laptop inbox they will continue to keep downloading on my iPad. I became really frustrated and annoyed with myself, as I did not have my laptop with me. I had set this expectation that I will sort my emails out as I had the day to myself. But I left myself feeling awful by the end of it.
Your story Amita is a perfect example of how going with the flow, whatever is there to be dealt with is dealt with, without needing to control or allowing oneself to be controlled by it. I love it when I hit a speed bump (not literally!), and instead of getting frustrated or annoyed, I just peer over or under it and find a way around it. It’s almost like a test, to see if I’ll succumb to the drama…
Love this Amita – very real and relatable. It exposes an identical reaction I can go into when ‘the world’ frustrates me like this…. or alternatively provides me with an opportunity to reflect on the something that is really going on. I’m only going to see that opportunity if I can put the frustration down.
Thank you Suzanne, from reading this story I can feel that I use to have so much expectations, when they seem to not happen, they would hurt incredible. When I read your blog all I can feel is an invite to surrender , to let go of any control that I am still using with expectations of myself and others. What I can sense from your words is that it reflects to me that I am free to let go of this and start to be less heavy headed and expectating of myself, so like you say : I will just be with what there is and see what I need to see. I can definately work with this and it feels so much more true than controling!
When we have expectations for something to live up to a pre-conceived ideal or thought we are in comparison with a mental image. When something is not as ‘bad’ as we thought we are elated and when it does not live up to our expectations we are disappointed and we are living with the tension of our expectations. When we let go of expectations and accept what just is, we can appreciate all that there is.
Is it any wonder life is a roller coaster ride of emotional ups and downs when we have expectations!
Thank you Suzanne this shows how there is a beauty in everything that lies before us but it is like at times because of the expectation there is a veil over our eyes and when the image doesn’t fit the expectation there is disappointment therefore missing the beauty. I know I have done this in the past and it then stops me seeing and feeling what is actually going on because my expectations have not been met.
Letting go of expectations allows us to surrender and meet life in full appreciation of who we are.
You are so right that by expecting something to be in a certain way we miss all the beauty that lies right in front of us. We can ask ourselves what it is that makes us always want more.
Great question iljakleintjes: ‘We can ask ourselves what it is that makes us always want more?’
This topic was addressed last night, in an indirect way, at the Fiery Sutra evening where Serge again spoke about the insubstantial nature of the astral plane and how, because it is ‘nothing’ and doesn’t really ‘exist,’ it requires immense amounts of effort and energy to keep it alive and going. Therefore it can never satisfy us because there is no true life in it. It may be a momentary ‘satisfaction’ but never of a lasting kind. And so we have to keep repeating whatever we are doing, or get more of it, because there is no everlasting truth in it – we are never satisfied.
Thank you Lyndy for sharing. It sounds like a decoy keeping us away from the real thing.
Absolutely iljakleintjes. This consciousness of ‘always needing more’ is the ultimate decoy. It is the decoy away from from connection, the decoy away from love, the decoy away from beauty, the decoy away from truth and true science, the decoy way from who we truly are, the decoy away from eternal life.
Thank you for the panoramic view Susan of our natural beauty, when we choose to surrender and let go of control. You sum up how everything we need is right here when we appreciate life’s and our own majesty.
Dear Susan it could be that people who do like control will not like following sentences: “I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.” That is a great revelation – we control because do not like to feel the true potential and beauty life reveals to us – this is something some of us have to swallow . . .
Agreed esteraltmiks, in my experience the people who resist truth & true potential are those who are most controlling and in their eyes have the most to lose from accepting the truth of a statement like this one.
It is amazing to be free from expectations, however I still get caught from time to time and I get a feeling of frustration, resentment and sadness for no reasons. It is up to us to hold on to them or to let go of them.
I got caught this morning because I had an expectation! I can even see how relationships and 20 year old marriages break down because of people’s expectations.
Beautifully shared Suzanne – thank you. This is an awesome reminder – ‘having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.’ – as the mind offers only limitations in contrast to the natural flow of wonders and truth that are freely and readily felt in the heart.
And I’ve noticed that as life is all about learning and re-learning, I need to be open to receiving, notifying and acting on whatever situation arises where I meed to learn from. If I stifle any situations with having an expectation, I will be naturally less clear and available to see what I need to see and hence won’t be able to learn from that scenario. No doubt I’ll get given another opportunity later, but why wait?
Expectations have a way of making life feel narrow, restricted and controlled, whilst at the same time missing out on so much more life has to offer.
Expectations are a complete waste of time and energy, all these ideals of how we ‘should’ be, seducing us away from being present and blinding us, hence we often miss seeing the beauty that is right before us as the preconceived picture does not allow us to see what is right under our noses.
What a fantastic realisation Suzanne. I have not thought about expectations being a form of control before, but as I sit here and feel that, you are so right.
Having expectations really hold you captive to an experience. It doesn’t allow for an experience to just happen, to be pleasantly surprised. I feel there is a mis trust in the magic of God if you hold on to an expectation of an outcome. You will always be setting yourself up for tension and disappointment. Thank you for this blog Suzanne,
“I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us”
It is scary how we severely limit ourselves when we impose expectations on ourselves and others.
I really appreciate how you have highlighted this issue for us all to ponder Suzanne; thank you.
Love this Suzanne: “With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen”. Absolutely, yes, expectations do cover the ability to see or feel what is there, and if we’re not allowing ourselves to see or feel, then additionally there can be little acceptance. And so removing expectation gives way to acceptance and its ease – about what IS.
Having expectations doesn’t allow the ‘magic of God’ to have a place. I have found in every aspect of my life the joy of being offered what is needed at the time or experiences beyond my expectations being presented when I drop expectations.
So true Thomas, how can we possibly appreciate and truly experience life if we ‘hold it to ransom’ Stating ‘It better be like this or else’. Expectation is like choosing a prepackaged frozen TV dinner for one, over the invitation to a sumptuous smorgasbord open to all.
Expectations are a filter, like a very dark pair of sunglass’s one looks through at life, distorting and coloring what we see.
Having expectations, ideals and beliefs confine us to a self made prison that, until we choose to examine and let go off, keeps us locked away from true choice and freedom in our lives.
After reading your blog I realised the extent to which we can be affected by the emotional investment in having expectations. If we stop wanting to ‘control’ things, then we can appreciate the true beauty and magic that can unfold before us.
Expectations can many times be subtle and unconscious, it’s great to be aware of this in order to counter it with love and acceptance of what is.
Having expectations can leave us without appreciation, not being able to see what we actually have right in front of us.
I hadn’t considered that expectations limit appreciation Jenny. Thank you for adding another layer to the damages of expectations.
Absolutely Suzanne and Jenny. Choosing to have ‘expectations’ as part of one’s way of experiencing the world is like taking beta-blockers to help with anxiousness. It might numb things around the edges but it blocks out a whole realm of experience, information and magnificence that is available if we consent to feel and see what is actually before our eyes.
And this is truly awesome said and felt :
I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.
We can all do this and support eachother in doing this so.
Suzanne , you nailed something very important here. The actual evidence of what a simple ‘expectation’ is actually costing us and also that we can choose to not have them by letting the old expectations go. Truly beautiful, and we can say that it would be mucb healthier for us too !
I can definitely relate, I say, having expectations is just a set up to be let down.
I love how you relate this to the fact that it does not let you feel the beauty of what is being offered at the time when an expectation has been placed on it. This is so true.
I am starting to see that my expectations are actually a way of controlling life. I am so fixated on what I want or how I want life to be that I get lost in what I make up as the ideal way and miss the beauty of what is constantly being presented to me by nature, people, places, events.
Oh so well expressed Suzanne! I too have seen that I use expectations to control life. When certain things happen in life I react in shock and withdraw – life has not lived up to my expectation of the way I think it should be – true, full of integrity etc. etc. My reaction is driven by this idea that life should be ‘good and pure’ when life on this planet simply is what it is. Seeing this has led to a far greater degree of detachment so that I can observe more panoramically than before, instead of wanting to protect myself and control life, which vastly limits the view and the depth of being able to feel the beauty and the magic.
I love the visual of the panoramic photo Lyndy. Opening my eyes to more, a wider and wider view set than ever before. This kind of view set, while I see much more that I probably won’t like, I feel supports me the most as being aware gives me choice to express. Living life with my head in a bucket is fraught with dangers and a possible or even likely victim mentality going forward, hardly an empowering way to be.
Allowing the world to meet us moment after the moment–what inspiration, healing and evolution that line has just imparted for me. Thank you Suzanne.
Probably a good fridge magnet line Adele, but the power lies in the concept actually being lived moment to moment. This is constantly a focus of mine.
This blog has got me wondering if I am carrying expectations pretty every moment of every day, with the biggest one being that I must be ‘happy’, and everything must be ‘OK’. Could it be that this keeps me running, and in motion, desperately trying to make every day ‘OK’, rather than allowing myself the space to be aware of how my day really is?
Yes Catherine. It is an aspect of the good/benevolent consciousness that does not want to see the world as it really is. So beautifully spotted by you as an expectation.
Having an idea in our head about how we want things to be and investing in that becoming a reality and even imagining it is already a reality when it is not – creating in this way complicates life no end and how much energy it takes! Trying to control the future and make it ours. Now I am realizing the beauty of surrender I can feel how different life would be if this were the way to live everyday.
My expectations come loaded with time lines to ensure I don’t suceed, or guarantee myself disappointment. I’m learning to live in the moment and not try and put an expectation and a timeline on my future. It’s crazy when you think about it, I’m trying to control my future – something that hasn’t happened yet.
Liked this one lindellparlour – ‘I’m trying to control my future – something that hasn’t happened yet’. Caught myself on this one many times. The pressure is piled high with expectations like this.
This is great sharing Kristy, makes me realize we set things up to guarantee they fail. Our way of controlling the situation so either we don’t have to express what we are feeling or appreciate what we do have. Creating drama to avoid dealing with the real issue. Very clever.
So true Caroline, drama creates an emotional roller coaster that can easily camouflage and bury the real issue, so not only is it not being dealt with but in fact is being agitated all the more.
This is great Suzanne, using expectations as a way to control. Reading your blog made me question what expectations do I place on others and why? What was I trying to control? Simply the answer was to avoid feeling hurt. If I place expectations on others, I am attempting to control their actions as a way of avoiding them doing something that I believe will hurt me. The world is full of expectations, how to be a good daughter, good mother, son, husband and etc. Thank you for providing this great opportunity for self reflection.
How simple you put it Carolineraphael: we place expectations on others to avoid ‘possibly’ feeling hurt by something they ‘might’ do. So in effect, we’re creating a situation in our minds that hasn’t actually even happened and based on all the possible permutations of scenarios, most likely will never happen. And so I ponder, why ever do I or we ‘expect’ in the first place? It doesn’t make any sense, I agree.
A way of seeing things through a completely different lens, letting go of the narrowness of the mind and being open to the vastness that is beyond it. A real thought-provoking article, Suzanne and one that strikes a cautionary note to be on the alert for the extent of the deep-rootedness of our values and beliefs that generate those expectations we hold so dear.
So true Suzanne, In the times I’ve expected this or that from a situation or person and it hasn’t been that way,I’ve found it very difficult to deal with it as I am not really present with what is actually happening or there to be felt. It then requires me to take a step back and feel what is really going on in me, in order to respond appropriately, or I am simply reacting and that emotive state sure doesn’t feel the best. The other realisation I’ve had is that where I’ve been expecting ‘something else’, I am prepared for and aligned to that ‘something else’; but that doesn’t actually exist! So no wonder my reaction might have seemed out of context to somebody else lol! Thanks for sharing this blog, lots to ponder on 🙂
Some of the most beautiful moments I have experienced brought me into complete stillness and they were silent. Where I had no expectation of anything, I was simply amazed at what was happening before me, it is usually something really simple. What I am really pleased about is that now that I know them and know their quality I am receiving them more and more. Gosh the universe is just wonderful
Beautiful comment Harry, I can feel that wonderment of just how precious life is in all its myriad forms when we just allow it to be exactly what it is already.
Susanne I thank you for your sharing. For me I feel having expectations always lead to disappointment . Others don’t know what we expect unless they ask, so I feel that just appreciating what is in the moment is the way to go!
Wow, I was not aware that expectations are a way of control. To expose this is deeply healing.
Since reading your article awhile ago I have really begun to see how hidden expectations can be especially the ones I place on myself, and how limiting this can be.
I agree nicolesjardin. When reading this article again I just felt how having expectations is actually so limiting of how great things can be. It is indeed a way of controlling as Suzanne shared in her blog. I am going to have a go on being more open and letting go of expectations I have, up for some greatness.
To think we gauge our expectations as a form of protection.
It comes back around to limit our view and if something comes around that is amazing it falls into the category of “too good to be true”
The elation or disappointment from expectations beyond or beneath our wanting is not something commonly considered as an issue, and yet is. Most importantly what you have so poignantly exposed is that we do not allow the world or another to meet us in their true magnificence…. thus denying ourselves and them the true beauty or lessons of what could be offered by that moment if it were only untainted.
Expectations so get in the way of seeing and accepting what is actually happening. They create a projection with which we react to, rather than engaging and responding to life.
“having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.” Funny, before I read this, it came to me that having expectations is our way to control a situation, so when I read it, it got confirmed. Having expectations is the perfect setup to avoid enjoying something.
Yes Suzanne, expectations are really us wanting to control a situation and have it turn out the way we want it to. Life is far more beautiful and harmonious without these expectations.
Nicely said Lorraine. It is indeed about controlling and with that narrowing down our experience and missing out of the beauty which is present.
Beautifully expressed Lorraine. There is more harmony within the body once the expectations and control are dropped.
Imagine investing in humanity for centuries! Being frustrated because human beings are not what they are suppose to be -including me – not behaving the way they should, not expressing themselves, having wars, abusing and killing each other, lying, cheating, you name it! Instead of accepting and appreciating each one of them, getting to understand them and focusing on what I reflect and how I am as a human being.
I love the way you have gone global on this elenlalight. It highlights (or elenalights!) the power of expectations to really stuff up our lives on every level., causing massive chaos and suffering. How to approach life and ‘think’ in a truly intelligent way i.e. observationally and thus lovingly, (without expectations, ideals and beliefs) should be of paramount importance in our education system.
Thank you for your blog which reminds me how expectations can totally ruin an otherwise beautiful and lovely experience. Pretty sad, really. But great insight and learning. Simple and clear: “when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.”
Expectations…can be a way to completely shut down one’s creativity. I know this so well and am now beginning to just see whatever is there in front of me to be seen. What a difference this is making to my life and self-love, with myself and others.
It’s true – expectations can actually completely taint a situation or experience and be nothing even close to the real event. Being open to each new experience with an open heart and fresh eyes gives life back it’s joyful sparkle.
I am still learning to let go of expectations, ideals and pictures of how my life should/could be. They are more harming than I ever thought possible. I am learning to let life unfold, not holding onto what I think it should preferably be or look like. When I let life unfold, it has a magic to it, I feel the guidance that is there always in my return back to the my Father, my return back to the Truth of who I really am.
I am still learning to let go of all expectations and let life unfold, a far more beautiful process.
This is perfect for Mother’s Day that has just been. For the week after, I have met quite a few unhappy mothers because things did not happen as they had hoped on that day and no one is obviously grateful enough. What a shame it is that the expectations held for this day have then spoiled many more days and affected the relationships that they have with their children.
There should be a course, how to rid yourself of expectation and have a joyful life.
Totally agree Amanda. On the other hand, there are courses that do just that, in a very, what you might call, rounded or all-encompassing way – the courses of Universal Medicine.
Sure thing Lyndy, attending the courses offered by Universal Medicine has allowed me to see and feel the mess I was in when my life was all about having expectations on myself and others, I have let go of a lot of these hindrances I was carrying and there is now so much joy and lightness in my life.
Exactly Lyndy…what Universal Medicine offers by way of its presentations and courses are what have helped me to let go of having expectations (work in progress here of course!) of people and situations, and life is so much richer without the tension of expectations.
So true Amanda. We can be left thinking that we are loved less, then we blame and hold a grudge for days, weeks or longer, quite ridiculous.
I’ve certainly indulged in being a victim of not being loved – holding a deep grudge, but that is just an expectation we have set – a game to feel less in whatever way we can rather than appreciating the love we already hold for ourselves.
So true Amanda. And multiply this by what happens on all the other ‘world event days’ – Christmas, Easter, birthdays, etc…they are often loaded with pictures/ideals of how it ‘should’ be on those days…it’s a recipe for disaster and disappointment with no true connection with loved ones. And even if the picture is perfect, was it true or was it based on expectations for it to be that way and people therefore making it that way from obligation or fear of being rejected if they don’t meet those expectations?
A great example Amanda. To me these ‘special days’ are always a setup raising a high bar and so often it does not meet our expectations. Take Valentines Day… how I wept when no one sent me a card, but if I pause for a moment, I don’t get upset when a card does not arrive at my door the other 364 days of the year!
Expectations, such a common way to break the natural flow of things.
Absolutely Dean, they are a sure way to ensure that we don’t have to shine or be amazing, because we are holding ourselves in a controlled and constricted way to try and meet our expectations. Interesting expectations can either be positive (ace the school exam) or negative flunk out so bad that you are last in the results – both can be an expectation that we sell out to to try and be a certain way.
True Danielle. Similarly success is another tricky thing – more of an ideal than an expectation though – we sometimes sell out to to feel better about ourselves without really dealing with what’s going on underneath, for example doing well at work and making loads of money or also being consistently without money and without a job.
Yesterday, I went with a friend to a garden set in the grounds and ruins of an old manor house. It was my first time there and went with no idea of what to expect. All I knew was the garden was planned in a series of rooms, each with a different design, planting and feel. It was a delight as each room revealed itself to us. We searched for a picnic spot and happened across a small courtyard framed by the most extra-ordinary white wisteria tree, with an abundance of scented sumptuous flower cascades and trail of flowers draped delicately over awnings. The tree in full glory, had no expectation of visitors passing and stopping by, in awe of it or not, it just was and continued to display its splendour. If we could be the same, fully with ourselves accepting what we meet without expectations.
Beautiful comment kehinde2012. Clearly you were very open to whatever presented itself to you; I imagine it was the best day ever 🙂
Yes I was. The ultimate call is for us to be open to whatever is presented every single day.
Beautifully said ….. I can smell the gorgeous tree you describe with it’s sweet scent. I caught myself last week when I was due to give an hour of my time to help someone. I got a text in the morning to say the meeting was off and I felt disappointed. Feeling into this further I realised I had an attachment to ‘helping’ this person – awesome to expose this. Now when I feel an ‘attachment’, I’m going to take myself to your beautiful wisteria tree with it’s gorgeous scented flowers and just ‘be’.
What I love is that you caught your feeling disappointment, reflected on it and saw it for what it was, an attachment. This is how we evolve, we can all learn from what you’ve shared.
Today I am feeling how poisonous expectations are. They are a trap. They are designed by nature to stop us feeling the truth from our bodies in each moment. They are born of ideals and beliefs and lies. Expectations can steal valuable time from us while they distractingly bounce around our minds. I renounce expectations. I choose truth instead.
A powerful comment Jeanettegold. I wouldn’t touch arsenic, why would I have an expectation???
Love it Suzanne!
Well said jeannettegold, expectations are a poison we choose to take into our bodies and it is hard to see and understand the damaging results of it until we choose to know truth instead.
Yes Franciscoclara8 and Suzanne. If we dare to feel the truth we become aware that expectations, and ideals and beliefs for that matter, are as poisonous as arsenic. You can know this by the example of a string of devastating and on-going wars over cultural, national and religious beliefs or young people who feel their true vocations calling but they does not fit the expectations of their families and so they must deny and dishonour themselves, build poisonous resentment, frustration and rage in their bodies.
Over the past week or so I have been reflecting on your article and I’m shocked at how incredibly damaging having expectations is. If things don’t go exactly as we are hoping, or if we don’t find ourselves in the ‘life’ we thought we’d have, then it’s failure? Where does that leave us? It’s as though we take ourselves to the edge of a cliff and then feel like we’ve got nowhere to go …… but down. Crazy. Having expectations is like having tunnel vision – you focus on seeing what you’re expecting and miss everything else along the way. Thank you Suzanne.
Expectations make things messy and unclear…If I have an expectation of someone else, then I’m coming loaded with an energy that says ‘don’t be yourself, be the way I want you to be’…that is confusing for them because they feel this and will either go along with it (not them) or reject it (still not them).
It’s great to read what you’ve said here Sandra and one to watch out for as hugely damaging. Thank you, it was perfect for me to read this today.
Yikes – are we all walking around loaded? not letting people be themselves? no wonder there is tension in the body – the tension of not being who we truly are. Dropping expectations then is not only freeing ourselves but freeing others from our silent impositions.
I love your comment here Gemmarubina, about people ‘walking around loaded’, filled with the ‘silent imposition’ that is an expectation. The silence in this case has now been made very loud indeed.
Simply and clearly expressed thank you Sandra.
Expectations are indeed loaded with an energy that is not us.
I enjoy coming back to this blog by Suzanne as it is a gentle reminder to let go of any expectations.
“I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.”
This is so true Suzanne, we are limiting our lives by keeping everything under control when it could be a thousand times more glorious.
We are certainly blinded by our own perceptions because we ‘want’ to see what supports our pictures! Otherwise we have to really go to the next level and be open to what is really being revealed. Expectations are like trying to set up an outcome or rig a situation so I get what I want from it. I can feel the protection and the small child in this truth and it has opened up much more for me to ponder.
Yes Marion, we can make it difficult for ourselves when we bring in a need for control and hold expectations with ourselves or others and don’t always catch it at the time until we feel the empty, let down feeling, a telltale sign.
That ‘let down feeling’, like you say Julie, is a telltale sign. often in the past I would think that someone had let me down, now I know that it was a situation I created for myself. It was my own expectations that let me down.
Well said Catherine. I love how you share ‘it was my own expectations that let me down’ for just as you say that ‘let down feeling’ is a telltale sign that we have created an expectation that can only set us up for a disappointment when something doesn’t happen the way we pictured it was going to be.
That is a good point Julie, I never associated that ‘let down feeling’ with having had an expectation of my own in the first place and trying to control a situation.
No me neither. Isn’t it great to have this awareness of how we create our own misery at times! – and how we can let all of that go!
Yes great observation Julie, those let down feelings so clearly show us when we have come loaded with expectation rather than simply enjoying and living in the moment.
Recently I realized that when I have that horrible gripping feeling inside, like I’m missing out when I have an investment in something/someone, if I can just let myself be with that sinking feeling, and not react or even speak, its like a wave that comes over you but then passes and you’re just left with your gorgeous self and the absolute love that you are is right there to feel and know.
I totally agree!
A brilliant blog to return too – As you expressed so clearly “having expectations are our way of controlling a situation”. This reminds me of preparing for my own holidays or visiting friends I’ve not seen for a while or even to get a new outfit for an occasion (the list is BIG) Allowing myself to get excited prior to this event – the build up of planning to do this and what clothes to wear and who I will visit etc only to feel a huge sense of being ‘let down’ as many of my pre-conceived ideas did not happen in the way I wanted them too! Such an easy ‘trap’ to fall into. When really looking at the bigger picture to just allow a gentle unfolding of events to occur would take away any unnecessary pressures. Thank you Suzanne.
Like you say Suzanne, expectations are a way of attempting to control the world. What I have found is when the world doesn’t conform to my expectations then in comes resentment and bitterness following close behind. Having expectations of self, others and the world in general has been a great tool to distract me from feeling, understanding and accepting more deeply what is being presented to me in every moment!
I’m also finding there is so much anxiousness involved when I have an expectation. Before something has even happened, I am living with an energy – the anxiousness – inside me that feels terrible. And for what reason? The situation hasn’t even happened yet! Isn’t this what worrying is too? And yet being a worrier is something seen as so completely normal… and expected…
Anxiousness comes from thinking about a situation before it’s happened and the body goes into a state that it isn’t prepared for because the situation isn’t actually happening, it’s only happening in our head! This seems really crazy now Suzanne. It comes down to choice – stay present with what is happening now or zip into our heads to think about what may (or may not) happen down the track.
The most prepared we can be for any situation is to be present in our bodies. When we are in and with our bodies then it’s as if we step aside and allow an unseen specialist army of support to step in. But when we are disconnected and in our heads then it’s just mini old me and my limited knowledge.
I have found expectation is so draining, imposing and very complicated. When expectations are not met there is a lot of hurt and disappointment. I often put more expectations on myself and as I am working on letting this go, it is changing my relationship with self. Allowing me to let go of control and create more space for me.
I always absolutely knew reincarnation to be a fact but I would think (or kid myself) it was just luck in someway or that we had all lived every experience- being rich, being poor, being successful at work, or not being successful etc (which we probably have) but never did I stop to question ‘are we actually meant to be here at all and why do we need to keep coming back to do it all again?’ After hearing Serge Benhayon’s presentations it all was perfectly clear- we come back to get the chance to re-imprint every choice we have made and to re-balance the effects of those choices.
I have been observing lately how I have an expectation to resolve a situation with a friend and I expect them to want to do this too. What I am learning is that all I need to do is see it as energy first, nominate the energy that is getting in the way of us connecting and not expect them to be feeling the same thing I am. I need to allow them to come to it in their own time. I am learning to keep letting them in, keep the love flowing and just saying no to the energy.
Brendan. Beautifully written and stated what we could really miss, by not having a clear vision.
Having expectations is a massive way to complicate a relationship that can be so simple and beautiful. When I have dropped and let go of ones that I have had on others and myself life becomes a lot more simple and there is no imposing on anyone, just being who we naturally are. Simple and Easy.
Thanks Suzanne… this gave me pause to reflect upon what it would be like for our children if we allowed them to grow up expectation free, if they were allowed to just be who they truly were, to find their own unique beauty and within that their own unique and valuable contribution to humanity. This is what Universal Medicine presents now.
Expectations – of myself, of others, of an event, of life, seem to be based on fear, which lurks under the need to control. I am going to be watching out for thoughts which shut down the true potential in any interaction or situation!
Me too Bernadette! Thoughts create un-real situations; there is no truth in them and so the effect that they have on one’s body – anxiousness, fear, worry, mis-trust – would be completely unnecessary.
Reading your blog Suzanne, I can see how having expectations is in fact limiting us and shuts us off from experiencing other possibilities that may present themselves.
I have recently been looking at my expectations, especially where work is concerned and I must admit I had my fair share – things like, work should be fair, people should respect each other or work should be a place that nurtures us, plus many more.
Expectations are like the one small blue gemstone you so desperately want to have that you do not realize that chests filled with all the treasures in the world are always around you.
Indeed michaelkremer2212, expectations are so small and limited by our beliefs, ideals and experiences. Yet when we connect to the equal-ness to others and situations their is infinite possibilities and depth on offer.
When ever I have an expectation of how a person should be, I miss out on what the person is actually bringing to the relationship.
Also when I have an expectation of how a person should be or a situation should look like, I often go into trying to control or protect myself which does not allow me to feel or truly connect.
Yes, I agree Shirley-ann, Mary-Louise has delivered a golden nugget right there. So I can see how when we make it about ourselves, that too can stop another from bringing who they are to the fore as the focus has been cleverly directed at us.
Your observation that “having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us” feels so true for myself. By having expectations I realise that I am closing down the possibility of new learnings and appreciating more in life.
That’s an interesting line for me to ponder and feel ‘ouch’. ‘Having expectations are our way of controlling a situation’. That is exactly what I’ve done in the past to control how I think the future will develop. Now I’m aware of that, thank you, I’m going to start letting go of expectations, things will be what they will be, and it may be that that might become greater than I had expected from those previous expectations.
I agree Gill. When we are aware of our expectations we can stop them before they stop us simply being in and fully enjoying each moment and all it brings.
In reading through the comments what came to me was how I can also feel the enormous weight of the expectations I place on myself!
Me too Deborah, it is so tiresome to have all these expectations of how we think we should be rather then simply being ourselves. It is such a great feeling since I have been letting go of these ideas of myself and being me and expressing myself and getting to know in truth who I am.
Having expectations is the way not to be feeling how grand and incredibly loving we are. There is so much to discover, If only you let choose to let go of your expectations and open up to what is always there.
The possibilities of life are far greater than anything we can imagine. Consequently any expectations or beliefs of how life should be are all ‘blinkers’ that limit the possibility of what we can be.
I feel also that living with expectations means living in the future, looking ahead to what an event might bring, or how others might be towards oneself, it is like living in a make-believe world, as Lyndy says, the life blood needed for today gets sucked out.
I really enjoyed reading this blog and remembering a lot of times when things just didn’t match up to my expectations. It’s good to be able to see the beauty in all scenes and scenarios without the handicap of expectations.
That’s right Colleen could that be another emotional game of the spirit, playing out to do just that, distract us from being present and caught in the emotional roller coaster of ideals, beliefs and expectations.
What an awesome expose of how expectations are no more than ideals by just another name and that, by holding expectations dearly, we are setting ourselves up to experience the highs and lows of emotionality, which destroys our innate ability to be present and in full awareness of the splendour of every moment. Love it!
This is such a great reminder of the wonderment of surprise possible in each unfolding moment when we don’t hold to ransom any part of life as having to match up to a foregone conclusion.
Expectations…..hmm. I can totally relate to your blog, Suzanne. Whenever I go into expectation, rather control and manipulation, there is a blaze of emotion that leaves me frustrated and exhausted. However, when I allow whatever it is to be, just as it is, the beauty of the situation is truly awesome.
Absolutely Doug. The book should be re-titled to ‘Great Expectations: Vampires of the daylight hours’.
Hahaha, Lyndy. Love it – “Vampires of the Daylight hours”!
Great expectations are essentially like the heaviest backpacks we carry around. Wanting and having situations to be a certain way regardless of feeling and truly allowing everything to be just as it is – everything coming to meet us not us carrying the weight of the world to meet the world.
I love the clear revelation you have expressed Lee with ‘great expectations’ we truly impede what life presents.
I love your comment Ariana, I agree expectations definitely doesn’t make sense yet it is something we create ourselves. So, we can in fact choose not to have the control and expectations in life. It’s a conscious choice to choose more loving choices.
I definitely agree having expectations I have experienced is damaging for me and my relationships with my family. I have done this so many times and only recently realised that I don’t have to choose this way of being anymore. I can choose to be open, loving and accepting of every situation without any expectations of how things have to be. Learning to let go of the control. Thank you for this awesome reminder Suzanne.
Brilliant. I can forget to appreciate and then end up seeing what is not working and am disappointed. Before that, as you say, comes acceptance and letting go of the need to control- and before that not getting caught in other people’s stuff. Allowing them whatever and being firm and steady in one’s love for oneself. Honouring oneself no matter what. Great blog, thank you.
Suzanne, I can really feel the freedom you speak of in letting go of expectations, and allowing whatever grandeur the world has in store for us to simply be. How remarkable would it be for all to live life without that control, and needing it to be a certain way!
It would certainly be a different world!
Thanks Suzanne… a succinct reminder that expectations are simply taking us out of our connection with being conscious and present, and that really sucks, and as you say, letting go of the control.. is indeed liberating
A life without control, love the idea of that ….. I’m not quite at that point, but working on it!
I love it too Alison. To be able to see the extent to which we are controlling life or controlling in life is awesome! We may not be fully out of out yet, but to not be completely owned by it anymore, and to be be aware of it is ‘one giant step for mankind’.
Expectations can be, I need money so buying Lotto tickets or a bet on the horses will fix it. “Many times throughout life we hold an expectation of how we want it to be or how it should be” and as you have said that having expectations is just a way to control a situation. The world just flows without expectations.
It is so freeing for ourselves and for others that we are with when we drop and let go of what ‘should be’ in life and let everyone just be in life. It’s really that simple. If we let go of all our identifications that make up who we are and let ourselves just be who we are naturally there is no room what so ever for any expectations.
Suzanne this is a beautiful explanation of what expectations do with our body’s and how it takes away the magic or the natural flow of live.
Expectations. They are imposed upon us from a young age and can be so very subtle. I have realised this as I watch and interact with my 11 month old daughter who is starting to walk. She will get up and walk for a bit then fall down onto her bottom and I automatically said ‘oops’ the first time. When I stopped to feel this I realised I had an expectation that she wouldn’t fall so when she did I said oops like it was a mistake. Her falling wasn’t a mistake and my expectation that she wouldn’t fall was so subtle and so imposing. Why can she not fall over? She is learning to walk. This is part of the natural process. So now I catch myself every time I go to say ‘oops’ because I can feel where this is now coming from and instead I celebrate with her with where she is at in her development of this awesome skill.
Aaah, the automatic parenting ‘oops’! This is wonderful robynjones11, the opportunity you have with your baby from such a young age to be calling out what is her ‘expected’ development. It is so refreshing to read, ‘…Her falling over wasn’t a mistake and my expectation that she wouldn’t fall was so subtle and so imposing…’ What a blessing as a parent to live life dissolving all those subtle, sneaky, oh-so-imposing parenting ideals, beliefs and exectations
. .
I can feel there are many more to uncover. And yes it is an amazing opportunity to uncover them all as I mother my two gorgeous girls.
Well said Doug, and the subtleness of how this occurs from an early age can be insidious in slowly chipping away at the natural gorgeousness children are.
This is such a great realisation and has made me wonder how often I say things because I have an expectation of how they should be or how I want them to be rather than simply accepting each moment and what it brings.
It is gorgeous to commit to discovering the ‘hidden’ expectations. I have found that there are many and some that are extraordinarily subtle.
It is really beautiful what you share here Robyn, I read your comment the last time I was on this blog. It really sticked with me and I am able to catch myself before going into an “oops” moment with my almost 1 year daughter.
Brilliant Diana! One less expectation that is being imposed on your gorgeous little person.
i tend to live my life without expectations but I must say it can also be quite painful if we don’t let go of other people’s expectations from us.
Yes, understanding that others are still having their own expectations getting in their way is a great one to call out Alexandremed.
I have recently had a big lesson around expectations where one person had expectations about me, and then I in turn had an expectation around how a friend would be and express. Big lesson, very humbling. I had thought I was pretty free of expectations!
Great blog and I love all the comments here. I can feel that the moment I choose expectation over presence I lose my joy.
And who wants to lost their joy?!!?
Rereading your lovely blog this morning Suzanne, I asked myself the question – what expectations do I have for today. I was surprised by some of the unconscious expectations and certain requirements I had about having a successful day, which included having no difficulties, rather than simply embracing the day and whatever comes, and taking any difficulties and evolving with them.
That’s a sneaky one Meg! I’ve had that very subtle unconscious belief that a day without difficulties is my goal, and if it’s not one of those days, I have somehow failed. This is an expectation! Wow, thank you for catching this one out too.
For me it is not only the situations that I am imposing my own ideals on, but especially that people I relate to. I can see clearer now why certain talks went astray the way they went causing hurts instead of beautifully flowering. I put an ideal to them. An ideal set so high that it would not be reached. This created such a tension from the beginning that any ground for love and beauty would be rendered infertile.
I like how you have related having expectations with nature, the blossoming of flowers, or Not. Nature would not consider for a second to impose a belief, or construct an expected way of behaviour from it’s fellow flowers and trees. A tree stands simply still, and is allowed to grow in its own time, into whatever shape it needs to be as it responds perfectly to its environment.
Yes I have experienced the limitations of my mind in attempting to control an outcome, which means controlling people and manipulating to get to the setup end result. We all talk about the moments that just happen which we refer to as the magic of God and think they are random events but now I see that once I release the hold and expectations this is what is naturally there for us to appreciate and it’s truly magnificent
Using control in my life also can look like preparing or bracing to be hurt again, which just accumulates a hardness in my body. It is an interesting process to just let others in more and trust the strength in my vulnerability.
You make a very valid point Jenny. Expectations = Control = Bracing the body = Hardness. My vulnerability is nigh impossible to feel if my body is in a hardened or protected state, and I really like feeling the exquisiteness of being vulnerable. So backtracking, my maths says lose the expectations if I want to feel life!
That’s it Suzanne. QED. In this equation it is clear to see that expectations are actually protection, all about safety (and controlling as Jenny said), a way of numbing true feeling. Do we dare to feel life in all its beauty and rawness?
Control used to be a huge factor in my life, this came with huge expectation and also anxiety and a change in how I would breath. I would become breathless and racy and not feel settled. Learning to let go of the ‘imagined’ control I had in life has offered a great deal of freedom and a new flow to my quality of life. No longer am I imprisioned by the pressure of expectation.
Can it be that expectations are also creating illusions of closeness? If I have an expectation and someone does fulfill this – it seems like we are close. But what we get is an expectation and a satisfaction – in truth we do not meet at all. In truth we are more separated from each other by thinking we are close when we are not. What we are searching for is intimacy, a closeness, to feel our connection with each other. But this will just happen by opening up to people – not by having expectations of them. And because I am searching for this closeness, but not willing to open up, I create an expectation someone can fulfil, and so it seems like the closeness I am looking for. But it does not really work – I feel the difference: what I get as a satisfaction will never be enough and so I am always looking for more, need more or something different.
If I am in a state of frustration because of my unfulfilled expectations, I am at least in a more honest state of being and looking for something else – If I am in the state of a seeming-fulfilled expectation, I am in the illusion of being ok/good and I stay where I am, even though I am miles away from me and others ….
So, to get what I want is more dangerous (and wicked) than to get dis-illusioned (!).
Beautiful point Sandra – love the detail. It is very much the same as the ‘good, benevolent and bad’ spectrum. The ‘good’ end is more sneaky because it is disguised as something ‘nice’ without revealing the illusion of itself.
What you write here Sandra feels like a vicious cycle, possible to be stuck in for a very, very long time. It is indeed time to break out of this expectation-relief-intimacy-expectation-relief-intimacy cycle as it is clearly keeping me and everybody else in a very false sense of security.
What you write here Sandra feels like a vicious cycle, possible to be stuck in for a very, very long time. It is indeed time to break out of this expectation-relief-intimacy-expectation-relief-intimacy cycle as it is clearly keeping me and everybody else in a very false sense of security
This is great Sandra, those that match meet my expectations I feel close to and those that might challenge me, I reject, even though they may be offering me a deeper insight into what is truly going on.
Exactly Joel!
What comes up for me on reading your blog again Suzanne, is that having expectations means an absence of surrender – a surrender to the awe and majesty of a universe that is so much bigger and ‘more remarkable’ than anything our human brains could possibly comprehend. The consequence of having expectations is dire to our human development and evolution. Thank for opening my eye to this.
I like how you put it Stevie, an absence of surrendering. The magic can be noticed only after you surrender.
This is so well put Stevie. We’re always trying to get our ‘wee brains’ to decide our way through life, interfering with divinity completely.
This is so true Stevie, ‘The consequence of having expectations is dire to our human development and evolution’ when we have expectations of how something should be we have to use a lot of force and control to make this picture/expectation happen, rather simply allowing things to unfold naturally.
Superbly expressed Stevie and we must keep connected to this expansive truth that takes us out of our smallness where expectations breeeeed!
Beautifully said Stevie and Bernadette. Expectations breeds like flies in the smallness of the self running on such dubious fuel. And yes, the awe and majesty and utter loveliness of the Universe is so much greater and more remarkable than anything the arrogant brain can come up with.
I love the way you have expanded this topic even more Lyndy – when we feel the smallness of expectation in relation to the whole of who we all are, they are minuscule and let us know we are definitely facing in the wrong direction!
Beautifully said Stevie – ‘Having expectations means an absence of surrender – a surrender to the awe and majesty of a universe that is so much bigger and ‘more remarkable’ than anything our human brains could possibly comprehend’… I absolutely love it.
I completely agree Suzanne, having expectations is so very controlling and dominating. There is a real supremacy energy that comes with having expectations and also a form of protection. I can feel how it is extremely harmful especially around people as you are choosing to cut them down and stop them from being all they can be. And the thing is this is a choice that we make.
The picture in my mind, the idea of how things should go on, the concept of a world going well – it all can never ever catch up with the magic of God in and around me. I can not really “think” it I guess – I just can surrender to it and then let it unfold while I express it…
These expectations that i have had about life have often blinded me to what is available right under my very noe.
That’s right, well pointed out. Expectations are impossible when compared to the reality of life and the magic of God. Only a narrow view can accommodate expectations.
Expectations are in separation to who we truly are – if we are connected to our innermost nature then there is no need for projection, simply to live moment by moment with openness.
I agree lucindag. By staying connected to ourselves, whatever the outcome, it is not going to affect us the same way it would if we had an expectation and sometimes the answer we get is something we wouldn’t usually have thought about.
I am feeling the truth of your sharing here lucindag; expectations can only emerge or present themselves when we are not connected to our innermost essence which by nature is totally complete in itself. Expectations are imposing and all about self!
Yes, Bernadette, expectations are imposing and all about self – all about protection, protecting the hurts we carry – shutting down the magnificence, the wide-screen panorama of life laid out before us.
Beautifully said Lucinda. Expectations are something I bring into my body that don’t belong, they take up the space I could otherwise have being all of me.
Often I entertain expectations that things will be bad and go on a merry dance of anxiety and trying to find solutions. This choosing to be in the anxiety of negative expectations means I can justify repeating patterns of behaviour that prevent me from expressing what it is I am here to express.
This is so very true Lucindag, having expectations distorts the picture we receive and does not allow us the same experience as when we are connected and open to whatever may come. Having expectations is exhausting whereas being open and accepting is energising.
Reading this blog again Suzanne, I am struck even more how many expectations I hold and how we can live our lives ‘wanting or seeking’ to have these met. What a waste of energy! And whilst waiting for expectations to be met by others in whatever shape or form, there is little happening in me by way of appreciation and allowing what is there to be experienced and responded to, as your husband was able to. Powerfully reflective read Suzanne.
Absolutely bernadetteglass, expectations are a complete waste of energy. They are made up to seduce us away from being present and enjoying the grandness of every moment.
Yes I agree Eva and when we have expectations of others this too stop us from enjoying their grandness and enjoying being with them in that moment.
Well said bernadetteglass and it is not only a waste of energy but it brings in another energy that in a way blocks what is there to naturally flow.
Absolutely Suzanne, expectations occupy space in us that is not truly us, a waste of energy and a big distraction of what is there on offer.
I love that Monika that ‘expectations occupy space in us that is not truly us’. We are made to offer so much more than the emptiness and ‘go nowhere’ of expections
Yes Bernadette, I agree with what you share, and it reminds me the value of appreciating and allowing in life.
Agreed Brendan, and not only exhausting but also is a very anxious way to live.
“What we can conjure up in our own minds is likely to fall far short of the true splendor and magnificence real life can and does display”. And so many times I miss out on life as I have my own picture and the whole pressure of making it happen. When I let go of expectations and live and feel whatever is there to be felt, life becomes a joy, so my practice is to be here and appreciate everything the moment gives me, and be aware of when the picture of how things should be (expectations) appears, so I can let it go, and feel the joy again.
I was about to write a comment using the same quote and to write something with the same understanding, Julia. Our imagination falls so short of the magnificence of life.
But why do we have expectations at all? Where do they come from? Yes from ideals and beliefs, and where do they come from? So there is something which I want to have which is missing in my life? Or there is something I want to have in a certain way or need in a certain way to be fulfilled and or to feel save? Or even confirmed. Expectations even do not need to be positive, they also can be negative. And very truly said, having an expectation in mind reduces us to a position where we do not see the whole picture from which we could learn or even enjoy. With expectations we may create something that we do not want in the first place. And all this is so exhausting as it also creates a lot of anxiousness in us. Expectations are limiting in every way and do not let us unfold truly.
Great question Sonja, where exactly do expectations, ideals and beliefs come from?? I think they’re simply made up! They seem to serve no other reason but to keep us away from truly and fully experiencing the magic of life. I feel like I’m missing something deep inside me to want or need to have an expectation.
Expectations, ideals and beliefs are indeed made-up! They are created out of nothing, and have no validity save that we ourselves give them power. It’s our choice to empower ourselves and express simply from the inner-heart.
Upon re-reading your blog Suzanne I realise that I have expectations in regards to certain situations in life and in that control many situations too. By simply letting go of any pre-conceived ideals of how things will or won’t turn out it frees up so much more for us to truly “be,” in any given moment. That is huge and so freeing on the body.
Expectations can slip in so easily, they are the foundation of my up bringing, when I walked, when I talked everything … breaking this conditioning is essential to let go of the expectations. First of ourselves and then we can drop the ones we have for others.
I think expectations are the foundation for nearly everybody. It starts when we expect babies to be rolling over, sitting up, smiling, crawling, walking by a certain time. The thing is, in all my 40 years, noone has ever challenged whether an expectation is good for us, needed for us, needed by us, or good for others. It feels good to begin to ‘break the conditioning’ of living life with and by expectations by writing this article. It does start for ourselves first, then we can stop expecting others to be a certain way too; imagine that!
Re-reading your article Suzanne, I was considering – not only do we hold expectations about others and events outside of our control, but what about all the expectations we may have about ourselves? Expecting we should be more in any way, and not enough as we are? Appreciation and understanding are key I feel. Lots to reflect on here, thanks Suzanne.
Great point Victoria.
Suzanne you describe so well how expectations and control so easily stop us from seeing what is there to be seen. When you are at work and everyone is on their own agenda it is a wonder that anything gets done. It only takes one person to stop and show there is a different way for many to feel and see to know we don’t need to come with an agenda.
Last week my expectations really took hold of me. I clocked them, but despite my awareness they persisted and I certainly felt the “temporary emotion or heightened state in the body that is based on something outside of our control” that you mentioned in your article. The stress I caused myself was needless as the situation resolved itself. How exhausting! No wonder so many of us feel tired a lot of the time.
‘With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen’. This is so true, Suzanne. Having an expectation in a situation is like saying, I want things to go like this and if they don’t, then it’s not how it’s meant to be (in my opinion). It’s awful, so arrogant and limiting and all about what one person wants. Unfortunately, it’s a pattern that’s so easy to fall into. When I look at my life I realise I’ve had expectations in just about every area of my life, ouch. Having that awareness now makes it easier for me to be open and to allow the freedom for things to evolve naturally.
It’s true that expectation can completely ruin what could otherwise be a beautiful experience. It also puts a load on the body, stress that doesn’t need to be there, when we can just simply observe what is there in front of us.
A great sharing on expectation/s Suzanne – Many of which I’ve had – I’m changing those habits for ones of living for the moment and what a difference that makes. Having expectations leave you with a sense of something ‘better’ to come and when it does not there is a huge feeling of emptiness and a letting down.
I find it very easy to have expectations in almost everything I do, and when these expectations are met, it often affects how I feel, I could get upset disappointed, annoyed etc. And it leaves me wondering why on earth I ever created this expectation as all it does it take me away from feeling all that I am irrespective of any given outcome
It was very good to read your comment in this very moment Oliver. I was slightly annoyed about something and had not fully clocked what I was doing with that. Yes, it is an expectation that I was in!
Allowing the world to meet you as it is, I am taking this into my day today. The moment I make this choice, I already feel an expansion, a humbleness and so much love for everything and everybody that will cross my path today.
Just beautiful Mariette.
A really insightful blog. We also hold expectations on a personal level ie. how we think we should be and where we are at in our lives – such ideals and beliefs are so damaging and hold something against yourself that doesn’t allow love or acceptance of where one is at for themseves. Without this acceptance we miss out on what is right in front of us – and on this personal level we miss opportunities to heal and evolve and enjoy who we truly are in essence everyday.
So true Michael. The expectations give us a feeling of needing something, when in fact, everything we are, IS everything we ever need, and that’s an absolute truth.
What you describe sounds like by creating expectations we are putting blinders up which are only open to what we want to see, but whether that is there or not, we are missing out on so much. It is like holding the world to ransom based on our own ideas.
So true Suzanne, that ‘expectations are our way of controlling a situation’. It’s like making a pre-meditated choice to give up on ourselves and not trust ourselves before an event, thereby blocking the natural flow of the magnificence of all that I am from expressing through me in any moment. There is much to be pondered here. Thank you.
It’s so true Suzanne, expectations are certainly deadly to all involved, be they exceeded or disappointed – it is different sides of the one emotionally controlling coin. We totally block our innate awareness and natural creativity in responding to situations when we place expectations on a situation or person. Your blog inspires an honest review of my own hidden and obvious expectations I carry.
Top blog Suzanne and one that I can relate to very well. This is a great reminder to always be open to what life brings us and not have any attachments to any outcomes. Thank you.
Suzanne I agree that expectations are very imposing on others and make us feel instantly disappointed. To be sure that don’t allow ‘what is to be seen, to be seen’. I’m now pondering the expectations that I place on myself and feeling how yuk that is – and how it stifles expression.
For me the difference between having an expectation and simply letting a situation come to you is like the difference between seeing a beautiful painting of a rose and holding a beautiful rose in your hand.
The painting – like the expectation – will clearly show you something where your mind can say “Yes, thats a beautiful rose, its petals might feel silky, it might have a delicious smell” whereas holding the actual flower in your hand will make you 100% certain that this is an amazingly beautiful rose, feeling like silk and velvet in your hands, smelling amazing,… .
Expectation means limit – openness means endless space for magical beauty to unfold.
I love your comment michaelkremer2212. There is nothing that compares to actually holding that rose in our hand and experiencing everything that comes with it, fragrance to thorns.
Expectations are a semi-transparent veil over our sight. We cannot fully appreciate what is there before our eyes, obscured as it is be this intermediary layer, made by our minds and projected over all.
How much beauty do we miss in life, in scenery and each other when expectations are running our show?
It occurs to me that physically I (along with everyone else) am constantly changing as the cells in my body grow and die, so on a practical level the person who arrives at that point in time is not physically the same person who created the expectation.
I can so relate to this feeling when going up in the mountains because I’m there to be in the snow and if there isn’t any it’s a let down and so I forget to see them for the beauty they are. It’s like being invested in an outcome – so insidious and it gnaws away because, as others have commented, it is all part of wanting to be in control. Let go of expectation and then we can truly appreciate everyone and everything.
Totally agree Suzanne, when we let go of expectations we start to see the real magic all round us.
Thank you Suzanne – what a beautiful example of how having an expectation can leave us feeling disappointed. I’ve been tripped up innumerable times in the past by having an expectation often coming from how I imagine a situation or someone should be, instead of appreciating whatever is on offer.
Me too. And how remarkably different it is for everyone involved when we come with no expectations, just an appreciation of the moment and everything that is in it.
As most people have said with expectations we miss seeing the magic around us, it is as if we are separate to the flow of life all around. How graceful and loving is it then that our expectations tend to not get fulfilled, for how diminished would the expression of divinity become if it was confined to those expectations. Next time I get caught in an expectation and the pursuing frustration, I will remember this and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
Awesome Golnaz!
Oh Golnaz, this is so beautifully said!
Yes I agree Eva, absolute stunning observation by Golnaz.
Lovely, Golnaz! Our expectations definitely are worth a good laugh!
‘With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen.’ I know this one really well, Suzanne, and yet when we feel into this, it is really very, very imposing and anything but allowing of things, people, places, to unfold as they will.We become thieves to ourselves, robbing ourselves of there beauty that surrounds us at all times.
Thanks for sharing this, expectations are a killer of the joys of life, living in a world of how we want it to be to only be constantly disappointed, saddened etc blaming outside of us for not providing what we expect and cannot control….. You define it beautifully “an expectation is really just an ideal or a belief about something that we want and imagine will happen”
So true Karoline, expectations are such a joy killer. As Suzanne wrote in her powerful clear way they are a form of control that cages us and gets in the way of us really seeing and feeling the true beauty of a person or a situation. How incredibly freeing it would be to live life without any expectations at all – bring it on I say !!!
This reminds me of when I set goals for myself then become disappointed in myself when I do not achieve them. I have found more recently when I allow for the flow of life and what may come up then I have less pressure on myself and I am more likely to get things done. By having expectations on certain situations, myself and others only causes them and me more stress!
I can really relate to your comment Samantha. I can bring in an expectation of what I need to achieve in the day and if I don’t succeed in this can feel like I’m running behind and having to play catch up. This does not set up the next day well and completely cuts out any appreciation of the day just gone.
I’m learning to be in my day. I’ll have an idea of what there is to do but I’m starting to really appreciate me in all that I do even if it is from left field. I’m choosing to apply myself to whatever is being presented for me to complete.
I’m letting go of expectations that I’ll find things difficult because when I let go of that barrier I put up about the job in hand I discover I can actually deal with situations when I am present. This cuts out a whole heap of anxiety!
We can have small expectations that are day to day that interrupt the flow of a day or we can have an expectation how our life should be, affecting everything and thus missing out completely on just how gorgeous we can feel.
I agree Matthew, and holding how gorgeous we feel and are is an important part to work on, as I have realised it takes a commitment and dedication to oneself to keep this connection.
I can so relate to having expectations on situations or people and then feeling totally let down when things don’t happen the way I had envisaged. It still comes up from time to time, but I am learning to let go of these expectations and just allow for things to unfold. I can also feel how having an expectation on someone is very imposing and does not allow them the space to be themselves and make their own decisions. Thanks for sharing Suzanne, it’s a great topic to start looking into.
I think I have some entrenched expectations that i am not even aware that I need to let them go? But I am open to seeing any expectations I have so that I can release them and no longer be bound or weighed down by them. It will be interesting to see what comes into my awareness next.
I too can relate Melissa to the disappointments and feelings of being let down when a picture I have created gets smashed. But I am realising that more often than not those pictures I create are only about me and my wants and do not consider what is what others truly need.
Expectations are perfect to keep ourselves busy and frustrated. If you meet them you can set a higher expectation you for sure will not meet.
Once we manage to let go of the expectations, we will be amazed how simple and magical life can be. Letting go of these expectations is such a beautiful process.
So true michaelkremer2212, expectations can be the perfect trap to set ourselves up, so that when we get disappointed or fail, we have an excuse or justification to withdraw or give up on something.
Having expectations has been the crucible for modern life. People lives have been depended on a ‘one-day you will win’. People that have to play the lotto because they need to win are not a few people, but lots of them pinning their hopes on the big prize. How many time times have there been stories about old people that are conned out of their life savings or the mailshots of you could be a winner mail shots that slowly suck them dry. All of this plays on the fact that we feel we are not enough and are looking for something out side of ourselves. All of this because we put stock in expectations everywhere… except in us.
Gosh, this is so true sjmatsonuk – it’s a bit like we’ve all been sold ‘the American dream’. We as a society are playing this game, day in and day out.
I agree Suzanne in wanting things to be a certain way we do indeed limit ourselves so so much, as you say…’With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen’…thank you
Not only does having expectations not allow me to see what there is to be seen in any situation, it does not allow me to feel and understand what is really occurring behind a situation. Without this understanding it is very difficult to accept things as they are and not want to go into some form of control or manipulation to change things the way I want them to be.
What a great blog Suzanne. I have often seen the harm placed on other people when we have expectations of how they should act, do things and feel. All this does is build greater levels of harm rather than appreciating all the smaller things that brings us together.
‘Sure expectations are often exceeded too, seen by many as being a great thing, albeit still creating a temporary emotion or heightened state in the body that is based on something outside of our control.’
Yes indeed. We are often encouraged to expect an idea, plan, thought or outcome. It’s exhausting in the body because it disconnects us from the present moment and flings us into a wish or an emotional concept that is in fact just a story.
Yes, having an expectation about something, in my experience, takes you away from yourself, by creating an image of something that makes you feel good. But, what I have learnt is that when I remain steady and with the feeling of me, the outcome of any situation always far exceeds anything I could have ever expected.
A great blog Suzanne, you have reminded me to look at areas of my life where I still hold expectations – it’s controlling and takes me away from experiencing in full what is in front of me. It is very empowering when we can let go of the ‘pictures’ we hold and appreciate and accept the beauty in life.
Expectations seem to eventuate out of a need within ourselves. So as you write Brendan, if we work on what it is we are needing out of life, or from ourselves or others and why we need that, then perhaps we might find we don’t actually truly need that and therefore the expectations that will fulfil that need are squashed. The foundation is ourselves.
Yes, having en expectation of idea of how a situation is going to ahead of time is us trying to control the situation, but we can’t really control what happen outside of us. And this causes an enormous stress on our bodies, it is quite awful. It’s made me realise that sometimes im anxious about situations that I know are coming but I am not even aware of that anxiousness.
Last year my family and I went to Melbourne for the first time, we were exited as everyone raved about the culture, food and shopping and we expected it to be amazing. However, when we arrived it felt like a let down and we spent our 5 day trip sulking and looking for the ‘it’ that Melbourne was supposed to deliver. We came home thoroughly disappointed and said we’d never go again. However, last weekend I had to go to Melbourne for a work conference. We travelled as a family and before we left we had made the point of saying ‘no expectations, lets go with fresh eyes and see what happens’. And of course we had a great trip, we loved the time and space of being together and experiencing new surroundings.
When we place expectations on something or on another we have already clouded and judged the experience as we place our wants and needs upon it and then when it or the person doesn’t deliver we blame them for the let down. How much pressure then do we place on each other to meet those expectations and what experiences and interactions are we missing out upon because of them?
Much more fun to go through life with an open mind and a curiosity and to really feel and see what is there.
Expectations are so insidious – they absolutely take us away from the moment and destroy the learning and evolving that is on currently on offer. It is absolutely a control as you have so well articulated Suzanne. I have done it in particular with how I expect my family to be – so imposing – and so arrogant – how can I know everything that goes on for them in their day to foresee an expected outplay of how a situation will look.
Yes, I agree Brendan and also would that appreciation is another support to build that connection.
Thanks Suzanne, expectations have clouded many of my experiences, it is almost as if there is a build up and pressure for something to be a certain way, I have had many disappointments in my life where I have gone in with an outcome in mind, and expectations like this are hard to meet. The mountains are a great example and one from which I relate to my expectations of people and the many situations that arise. If I have expectations of another then I am essentially holding the person, the situation and me to ransom, as I am looking for something I can’t control to be how I want it to be. Living a life in this way with no control over how I feel is no fun at all, far better to not have expectations but to bring the best of me to all that goes.
Yes Stephen, when we look at our expectations, its crazy that we have this idea we are able to control people or situations. I still have many, but I am beginning to experience what its like to let go of my expectations in certain situations and it does feel very freeing, and a lot less exhausting, because I am not so invested in a particular outcome.
Having expectations is such a huge part of life that is accepted without question. The revelation that it is in fact a form of control puts into perspective that we do many things with an invested outcome. I have yet to let go of needing to control things. I guess it’s a way of protecting myself… which is kinda ridiculous when you consider that it is our unfulfilled expectations that we feel hurt by! We hurt ourselves by protecting ourselves. Ouch!
Expectations are everywhere I look… how will that person be with me….what will I say… like you share at the end its all a way to control what happens next instead of just being ourselves and feeling a great trust in our bodies and our abilities to be with a situation and experience it in full no matter what that experience may be.
This is true Vanessa and something that I have experienced much of…. However keeping the focus on ourselves and our own life starts to change the game and we can be no longer apart of the crazy world that is all about expectations but instead just be ourselves in a world that needs reflections of what it is to just be you in full.
Absolutely vanessahawthorne expectations are everywhere, how can we evolve with expectations?
Within each given moment there are opportunities to learn and grow, with expectation in place we become blinded to these offerings.
So true lucindag! Expectations are like blinders – they keep us away from the magic around and in us.
Yes lucindag, we miss out on the opportunities to learn and grow when we place our expectations on situations.
Yes I agree lucindag expectations do blind us to the moment of truth we are actually living.
What a missed opportunity for evolution as you say! Being too busy pre-empting what we are thinking rather than living what is actually there to be lived. No wonder we get exhausted doing double the amount we need to! Phew, it’s so worth stepping back for a moment and observe what we are doing in our minds and what affect it has on our body and lives.
Expectations are everywhere Vanessa, they serve to keep us stuck and definitely not evolving.
Expectations are how I THINK it would be good – but what if it should be godlike? So I can’t create it, can’t control it, just can surrender to it. My doing and my imagining should be based on accepting, appreciating and honoring our divinity and the magic of God all around us.
Beautiful Sandra – we create rather than trust and allow the godly presence you speak of to unfold the magic which is on offer.
Exactly ginadunlop – we try to keep up or to cap the magic of God by the idea of controlling us, others & situations …how arrogant from us. No wonder that humans are so frustrated.
True Sandra, there can be no place for expectations and control if we are to live in a way that honours our divinity and accepts the ever-present magic of God.
On re-reading this blog these words stood out for me “With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen”. How many times have I discounted this – because I was in my own personal agenda of what I wanted for myself, regardless of what was being shown to me – to deal with and to heal.
This is so true…the moment of life that we miss because we are unwilling or unable to let go of the need to look for what we want to see.
This is so true Sue. When we have an agenda or an expectation of how something should be, it is so easy to miss the beauty of what is right there in front of us because our mind is clouded with thoughts of how we want something to be.
Absolutely Donna, ‘clouding’ is the operative word here. The expectation is a kind of mental protective mechanism to cover a hurt. It is the hurts that obscure (or cloud) and prevent us from receiving that omnipresent communication from God
This sentence stood out to me too Sue. It’s interesting how easily personal agenda can slip in but having an awareness of this I find allows me to change it and see what is there to be seen.
sueq2012, this is so true and goes for all areas of life – thank you.
When we see only what we want to see we only see parts and not the whole.
Suzanne I so enjoyed reading your blog, it was such great reminder to see how easily we can become ‘cranky’ and grumpy when we put expectations of how we want or expect things to be. It really is a downer not just on ourselves but everyone else around.
So true Alison
Yes, Suzanne, you described the effects of expectation very well in that obvious situation in the mountains. I find that my mind/spirit has expectations about almost everything, which is also hope, fear and everything in between. It lives on expectations and wants to control everything. But I mostly have that about people, with nature I’m more like your partner – just open to the beauty of all of it. So I will take this as an inspiration to be the same with people, too. Thank you.
Suzanne, while reading I got to feel how I had used expectations
as a constant capping of life. So I could keep it in control, having expectations about everything. I can feel how this was not allowing the true potential of anything, I had been limiting every situation in my life and not allowing true divinity to naturally be.
Suzanne – the more I look at expectations the more I realise how they have been such a strong part of my life. From what you would call positive expectations of good things to negative expectations of bad things. In all of this they take away from just being with myself in the moment and with that missing out on what life truly is. Thank you for sharing.
I can’t stand expectations. I have witnessed too many times how harmfulI they can be. I’ve seen, committed and thus felt how terrible it is when we place unrealistic expectations on others and then hold them ransom to fulfilling them. It requires immense contorting of our true inner knowing and impulses to live up to another persons ideals. And to top it off these expectations most likely haven’t come from anyone’s inner-self either, but instead from something they adopted from some societal belief system or other. And round and round it goes. I am verygrateful to Serge Benhayon for showing me how to stop, connect to and feel my true inner knowing and free myself from the cycle of unrealistic expectations. I am not perfect at this yet but it has been life-changing to realise how insidiously harmful our expectations can be. Phew!
Suzanne, great article. Expectation has come up recently in family discussions. One surrounding how there was an expectation on travel and attendance at an event which ultimately went pear shaped. What ensued was feelings of disbelief, disappointment and anger. Not pretty. Also separately the expectation of what a mini break would bring and how dangerous to have so much focus on this. To ‘go with the flow’ is the way to go.
A powerful and simple point you raise here Suzanne. It’s so true that when we don’t see what we want to see, we blind ourselves to the beauty that is right before us and within us. Control is very crippling!
Thanks for sharing this insight Suzanne. I can feel how expectations go hand in hand with comparison. This can then feel like a judgement and a weighing up or rank ordering of people, places and experiences. One of the beautiful reflections offered by nature is that it just is: no need to impress; no need to put on a show; no need to be anything other than that which it is.
Thank you Suzanne, you have expressed so beautifully and simply.
There is an expectation in health care that the doctor, a pill or procedure will ‘fix’ the problem, and when it doesn’t we can either blame the system, god or genetics but never accept the responsibility 100% on ourselves. We expect health, but our actions display the disregard we really live with and the result are the consequences of that lack of love and care that we give to ourselves.
I can really feel how it is a need to control situations that leads to the arrogance of expectations and consequently a limiting choice on what I want life to offer me. This is based in the fear of the un-expected, that somehow without a mountain of ideals and beliefs under my belt I’m going to get hurt. This is a lovely piece of writing that clearly shows how much we are missing out on when we construct our view of the world to be a certain way. I felt a beautiful letting go in my body as I read it. Thank you Suzanne.
Thank you Andrew Wallace. You have used the word ‘mountain’ when referring to ideals and beliefs; ideals and beliefs need that mountain to live atop them because they need constant pressure to keep them there. How freeing if we were to move the mountain and thus the ideals too, setting ourselves free from controlling what life will be from here on in :).
“These moments of realisation show me that my little brain is not able to see the bigger picture and appreciate the grace, intelligence and harmony with which everything works together. How arrogant is it then when I bring expectations to the table.”
Golnaz, This is so true, but how limiting are we then in our world. We are limiting the Grandness that something has the potential to be.
You’ve hit the jackpot Brendan! ‘Controlling’ just doesn’t work. It is anti-divine economy as far as energy is concerned. Appreciation works, and it melts all the hard lines of controlling. True medicine.
I notice that the set-up of the mind in having expectations always leads to disappointment. I also make myself less in expecting something from the outside to happen. Expecting nothing (not there yet….but on my way) is letting me be fully there, no emotions, no fights – wonderful!
“He allowed the world to meet him as he was, with no pre-conceived ideas or expectations.” There is so much beauty in living this way all the time. Yum!
Lovely blog, Suzanne, yes I can see what you mean by “I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation”. How ridiculous, the way we paint a picture in our minds of how we expect something to be, whether it be a vista as you describe, or our expectation of how someone is going to react to something we might share. When the reaction is not as we expect, we then blame the other for not living up to what we thought they should. I can relate to wanting to control how things lived up to expectation. I always wanted harmony around me, trod on egg shells to keep the peace at home, never realised that the harmony was actually inside me and all I had to do was to live from that myself, rather than trying to control others around me.
When we have a picture in life of how it should be we’re containing and limiting the possibility of anything else that doesn’t fit that picture. Great blog, thank you.
Sometimes I find that I can feel controlling when faced with the true beauty of nature because I am choosing to resist the love of God that is present all around us. I have come to understand this need for control as a way of protecting my vulnerability and not wanting to feel the mistakes that I have made, because the majesty of nature shows me the fact that I am much more than how I have been living.
So true Suzanne, when we hold onto certain outcomes or expectations of any kind we are blinding ourselves to the grace of God. And this is a real tragedy, given the magic and wonder of what is so perfectly laid out for us…
At times I have seen how appropriate a difficult situation had been and what a learning it had offered, whilst if it had been left to me I would have rubbed out that difficult situation altogether. These moments of realisation show me that my little brain is not able to see the bigger picture and appreciate the grace, intelligence and harmony with which everything works together. How arrogant is it then when I bring expectations to the table, let my little brain think it knows best and then react when things do not unfold according to the script!
How right you are Golnaz. My little brain also struggles to see the big picture I know in my heart is actually out there and true for all, not just little ‘ole me. There doesn’t seem to be a universal intelligence in expectations and it does feel supremely arrogant for me to think I know better than what is all around me, people included.
Whenever I have fixed ideas or expectations of how a thing should be or look not only do I set myself up for frustration and disappointment, I can also limit the infinite possibilities that can occur.
Having expectations always feels so heavy for both the person having them and the person on the receiving end, always laced with self as the driver. I love the way you express your experience in the Snowy Mountains its gentle reminder to be be open to all that’s there to be seen and felt..
Argh expectations are joy squashes! As you so beautifully put it Suzanne, they don’t allow us to see what is actually there to be seen and felt. This is something I’ve been aware of and noticing while planning an up-incoming trip… not allowing myself to runaway with the pictures in my head. Thank you for sharing your story.
I love how you phrase ” Joy squashers” Aimee. It gives the feeling of being way too open for the party – poopers to come in. All the while stopping what is so natural and fun. Why would we do this to ourselves?
It’s fascinating how you chose to use the word ‘runaway’ when referring to pictures in your head. Because that’s how it really feels, like we don’t have a say in what’s up there – in our head, and where the thoughts / expectations / pictures take us. I don’t like the sound of that going on in my brain Aimee!
I always love your writing and the way you express about life Suzanne (no expectation for the next blog though :))
I have often noticed this play out where my husband and I would be going on a holiday and as soon as we were on our way there would be tension between us. This was usually the tension of weeks of focus being put on this moment to deliver us something our expectations of all that the holiday would be. The clashing or grating of these different expectations would often result in a tension between us that wasn’t usually present.
Now days we don’t make it about what something can bring us (with expectation) but more about being in the flow and harmony of living and experiencing together.
No expectation on the next blog rebeccalpoole!
I like how you and your husband make it about the flow and harmony of the shared experience, rather than hoping for something in particular to happen. A far more relaxed and playful way to go about life.
I think this is a great subject to see where we have expectations running in all parts of our lives – it is so much richer when we approach everything with an openness especially as we are less likely to miss all the magical moments then.
Oh yes! I can really relate to having expectations which are rooted in ideals and beliefs with a considerable dash of arrogance in how I think things should be thrown in. It’s so much more freeing to allow things just to be and evolve without preconceived ideas being imposed on them.
It’s so true that once you let go of the control, and expectation is a form of control by knowing what is to come, everything is so much sweeter, lovelier and more joyful. I was doing the expectation thing with lots of situations and even the weather. It was awful and I decided it had to stop. I let go of it and every day is a delight.
I keep coming back to, and love rereading, your blog Suzanne
You have expressed and presented about expectations in a clear and informative way.
“With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen”.
We contract and limit ourselves when ruled by expectations; thank you for highlighting this.
If we hold onto expectations we completely blind ourselves to the vastness and depth around us and within ourselves. What you say here Suzanne I feel is huge, often what I have experienced is that our expectations and reality never match up and constantly change. When one expectation is not met we feel the damage holding onto it caused or we just go straight onto the next one, possibly carrying many expectations all at once as a fall back when one fails to bring what we want – because like you say even the so-called positive ones don’t hold much weight for very long. Thank you for the reminder that there is so much to experience should we just allow ourselves to see and feel it.
Isn’t having an expectation like a set of dominoes, Leigh? As one falls, no doubt there is another and another waiting patiently, next in line. It’s like once one is created, it leaves open the opportunity for dozens more to take its place, regardless if it is or isn’t met. Give an inch, take a mile kind of mind control.
That does make sense and brings up the question of when I catch myself having expected something from a situation – what others were around before this one that failed to achieve it’s ideal? And does it really fall down or do we just move onto the next one until that situation calls for that fallen expectation to be picked back up again? (only to once again fall over) If I am not just allowing myself to feel what is there to feel and accepting what is before me, are we just going around in circles with the same old expectations that just appear to change on the surface but all remain the same?
I too find my expectations… good or bad never match reality. The good expectations are particularly insidious, I agree this is a great reminder to allow ourselves to see what’s going on and just let it be.
Reading this one again Suzanne I realise that I still have a lot of expectations to look at.
No time like the present mattsjosefsson 🙂 Better out than in…
True Suzanne and a good reminder – thanks.
Expectations are built from looking outside of ourselves and going into comparison with where someone else is or what they are doing. That we need to be doing something that is either what society has created as a ‘normal’. Letting go of these ideals and allowing ourselves to connect within and living from here, there is no room for any expectations. I have found that this is a loving and pressure free place to live. I am allowed to just be me, I can breath with ease.
Living a life without expectations is as you have said “we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us” what more can you say!
A very interesting blog Suzanne. As you point out, if you approach every situation with a sort of checklist of preconceived notions to tick off, then it will never achieve the magical 100% score that you are striving for. On the other hand, if you approach with a clean slate then there will always be pleasant surprises.
Well Said Jonathan!
Interesting blog Suzanne. I also see that having expectations are our way of controlling situations. I also feel expectations often come laced with manipulation.
Yes Margaret! No-one likes to be controlled or manipulated. So why do it to ourselves?
I can really relate to this but in the sense of expecting things to go well and then they don’t (and relying on that), or having expectations on relationships and taking it personally when they don’t meet my picture of how I feel it should be. I’m learning to accept things exactly as they are, and to let people be where and how they are – which is challenged by my expectations! Because of expectations I’m setting myself up for reactions because I want things to be a certain way and of course they are not. So then I have even more work with letting go! Expectations put so many conditions on life and how we will feel. Great blog, thanks for the topic.
I can certainly relate to what you describe, Melinda. I also am gradually learning to accept things exactly as they are, after a lifetime of trying to control others and situations to keep the peace.
I like how you share that having expectations is a way of controlling situations, and when these expectations are not met we feel as if we have lost control. How crazy is this? We set ourselves up to fail, rather than just allowing, without any expectation, and letting the beauty unfold.
Agreed Amita, it’s a set up; a way of living that is bound to end in tears.
I too have experienced this Suzanne – missing really what is being offered when I am looking for a set outcome or expectation. Being aware of that and giving up expectations has made so much more available to me.
So true Alison, so much more is available to us when the expected picture is blown away.
Awesome Suzanne, its kind of like doing a spot the difference, comparing reality to your expectation – you will only see whats missing, rather than appreciating everything that is there. I have been recently reflecting on what I believed I would be like at the age I am now when I was a child, and I realised the expectations I had on myself growing up have affected me and the way I perceive myself and others, with the tinted glasses of expectation.
So true Rebecca. That metaphor – ‘spot the difference’ – is gold. If I play this metaphor out and circle only what I see with I expect to see, I am guessing that I would only circle half of what is there to see. And how much do I miss out on?!? So much I think….
I agree Sarah, how much passes us by and how much do we miss out on in life because instead of just appreciating it we are too busy comparing it to our idea of what it should be.
I can really relate to your comment Rebecca, having passed teens, 20’s, 30′ & 40’s I am always surprised that its not how I expected! imagine if we had no expectations of what it will be like, somehow I now feel its a behavior that has held us back so as not to be seen? Thanks for sharing..
I agree Lucia, I know that when I think of ‘me’ in the future, I have this massive picture I have painted that is so completely different from how things are in reality that I will never reach this expectation, or appreciate where I am or where I get to because of it – its very destructive and something insidious that poisons our lives and holds us back.
I think we’re taught to imagine what our future will be like and in that imagining, aren’t we writing an expectation for ourselves, to be un-met, met or surpassed? In all cases, as you say the ‘tinted glasses’ are on, as we measure life by what’s external to us, what the ‘pictures of life’ look like.
Absolutely Suzanne, we are brought up to have expectations – what will life be like at this age or that age, that one day you will have a nice house, good job, fast car and happy marriage or what ever is the picture of life you carry around. Can you ever be truly content and happy while you carry around a metaphorical tape measure with which to assess life?
I’m happy to live without the metaphorical tape measure Rebecca!
I relate to this blog so much, I have memories of so much tension and disappointment experienced through having expectations. This blog allowed me to really appreciate that this is no longer the case and I am aware that I have a deep sense of freedom, from a prison, for want of a better word, through letting go of expectation. Thank you.
So true “having expectations are our way of controlling a situation” and when our expectations are not met we are lost because we have spent so much time preparing for one scenario that there is a full on internal hissy fit that the time and energy has been wasted and we now feel anxious about not knowing how to handle the present! Or is that just my internal hissy fit??!! Thank you Suzanne. Great to see that. Beverly’s comment regarding not worrying about a situation till it is there to be dealt with is also very apt.
Having an expectation is enough to not be simply me anymore.
Abandoning my fullness, hence being less and then needing something from the outside to stimulate me. Obviously any dis-illusioned expectation lets us feel the emptiness then.
Beautifully put Alex.
‘With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen.’ This is powerful Suzanne. Thank you.
Suzanne, I just felt while reading your blog, that what if I saw people no different to nature? I see the beauty in nature, the joyfullness in the blue sky. I felt so much around ideals and beliefs leave my body as I felt this. Expression is everything.
I like what you are saying Denise, expectations relating to people having the same outcomes as expectations with nature. We probably have far more situations about expectations when it comes to people and relationships than nature even! Good to expose.
In returning to this blog I have been reflecting on the expectations I hold of my family. Recently behaviours of certain family members changed and I had to look at what I got out of people in the family acting or being a certain way and whether I had placed an expectation on them to be this way. Of course what I truly want is for them to be themselves and yet the unconscious lacing I put out from the expectations I hold does have an impact on them.
Subtle yet insidious Sally. Good for you in asking yourself what’s really going on, making the unconscious now conscious.
That is a big one, Sallyscott888, the family is where we so often have great expectations. We so want them to be a certain way, and then feel let down when they don’t live up to that. How ridiculous this is, it is their choice what they choose to do, and we have to learn to let them make their own choices.
Such a very clear exposure of the impact expectations have Suzanne. There is no denying it and no one could argue with the sentence: “With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen”. How often are we blinding ourselves to life, others, ourselves and our bodies when we have expectations? It is very controlling and allows for no space for things, others and our bodies to be as they are. It allows for very little magic.
yes I agree, it is like expectations blinker me into only seeing what I want to see.
I love that you mentioned the bit about expectations sometimes being exceeded Suzanne, as this led me to realise something I had not realised before. That maybe sometimes we even play the game of deliberately lowering our expectations and thinking small in advance In an attempt to avoid the potential disappointment? I know I play this cynical game and it is not great because we are energetically already lacing the future with a negative limited view of what might be possible rather than not having any expectation and just taking care of each moment and letting the rest unfold as it will.
Yes I never really thought of that either Andrewmooney26, to think we gauge our expectations as a form of protection.
But as you say it comes back around to limit our view and if something comes around that is amazing it falls into the category of “too good to be true”
Great point Luke that if something is amazing, then it must be too good to be true. It seems there’s a set up here, life’s either a struggle and to be championed when you get through it, or if life flows, then something bad must be just around the corner. Either one is an expectation, leaving no room for the magic of life to present itself.
Yes! We expect life to be a certain way yet in the other direction we set ourselves up to fail because we don’t allow ourselves to see how things really are… We are our own prison guards, until we choose otherwise.
This is huge, using expectation to make our self excited or disappointed, feeling like we are going nowhere or going somewhere ‘better’. Very insidious stuff.
Yes Joel it totally creates that roller coster ride that at some point you’ve gotta get over.
I like the roller coaster analogy Natalie Hawthorne writes below. We expect life to be full of ups and downs, that that IS the human existence. We expect to have expectations and that that’s the only way. Yes Joel L, very insidious stuff indeed.
A great blog Suzanne , the pictures we paint in our heads on how things should look and will be can leave us in reaction then the drop of feeling lessor. I can relate totally , it is so much better to be playful, open and accepting of what is presented :).
I agree Brendan, I like your highlighting of the fat that we are at the mercy of its outcome. Not an situation that appeals to me at all now. Far better to be accepting of what is going to happen.
An interesting subject Suzanne, the expectations can be of such different things. That as you describe, expecting the area you visited to be extremely beautiful as you had expected it to be, or alternatively of something ahead going to be a possible problem. I had an expectation that I might have problems in flying from the far north coast, through Sydney, and on to the far south coast yesterday afternoon. Family were ringing me about all the problems with enormous storms in Sydney, and the radio reports were full of talk of plane cancellations etc. etc. I decided to just let what happened be and let go of what might happen (while being aware of the possibilities), and was amazed to be told at the local airport that the plane was expected to be on time. It left about 10 minutes late, no problem, a few bumps, pouring rain and huge gusts at Sydney airport, but we arrived safely and after next check in and turning up at my gate for the flight home to the south coast, looked at the plane flights listed at that point, all cancelled. On enquiring at the desk regarding my plane, I was informed that it was expected to go on time, but could be a little hold up. In the event, the plane left about 10 minutes late, and I arrived back home only about 10 minutes later than on any other night with no dramas.
I was so relieved that I had not gone into all the stress of the ‘might have been’s’ that I could have put myself through that I may have done in the past. It is so much more simple to accept that what is going to happen is what will, and can be dealt with as it comes. No more worrying about future things for me. Disappointments then no longer have to be.
Amazing story Beverly – I can completely relate to going into the stress and anxiousness at the possibility or the expectation of how a situation or event is going to play out, and then often get to the end and realise that the stress and worry was all for nothing because it didn’t go the way I thought it would. What a waste of energy! For me its still something I work on because its such a knee jerk reaction to worry, but your story shows how you where no less prepared because you hadn’t spent hours worrying before hand, and instead where calm and ready to deal with it as it happened.
Great comment Beverley. What came to me strongly from your comment was that possibilities are limitless; expectations are not. Thank you.
Ah yes, expectations… Our whole society lives in expectation of how it should be, how you should be and and how they need it and you to be. As a school teacher, I have become acutely aware of how much our education system is built on expectations. Being free of expectations allows everything to evolve as it should, without imposition.
Spot on Marshall! May teachers like you flourish and spread across the land.
Well said Marshall, the education system is built on expectations which are placed on students, this an imposition and creates a way of being that is in disregard to students as there is a need to achieve or be something other than just being you.
This is beautiful Marshall – “Being free of expectations allows everything to evolve as it should, without imposition.” Imagine this on the front of every school diary!
Marshall we need many teachers like you to spread the word. With no expectation the world would evolve the way it should.
Completly agree Marshall, and with the other comments. Amazing to be taught by someone who can support you without placing their own expectations and needs on you.
Yes, being free of expectations allows and furthers that which already is (our innermost nature) to become more (express and expand), instead of imposing ideals (expectations) onto someone to become what he/she is not naturally and hence cannot really become, but only be laced with, and deformed by, them. And therefore the deep sense of senselessness and hollowness one can feel in life that leads to all kinds of personal crises and often illness and disease.
Having expectations is like looking into an empty cardboard box with the a picture at its bottom. You see the picture, but the picture is at best just a moment in time. You can stare at it for hours, but it will not change – whilst you at the same time miss out on reality and the life that is pulsing and unfolding around you, because you just are fixed to this ideal point and life is constantly moving on.
That empty cardboard box made me smile michaelkremer2212. Chuck it away and as you say we’ll see the life pulsing and unfolding around us, full of possibilities.
I love this Brendan, and as I read it I realised that dispensing with expectations etc. leaves me free to be me when I approach anything rather than a frantic script writer trying to double guess all that is about to happen. Thank you.
Thank you, Suzanne, for your plain speaking honesty about the impediment of expectations. As I was reading I had little flashes of all the times in a day I apply an expectation and how that fuels the roller coaster of things being good or bad. All this gets in the way of letting life, myself and others be in the simplicity of presence in every moment.
I was abroad for four days and taking your blog with me, it has helped me a lot to see where I had expectations and what this does to me, the people around me and how I experience the moment. Letting go of expectations allows things to unfold and to let life surprise me. There is more room for miracles when I let go of my expectations.
I can see how I have had expectations of people, to be a certain way or be with me a certain way and reading your article I see the control around this. The more I love and take care of myself these expectations are falling away, more and more I see the beauty before me, thanks to the teachings Serge Benhayon.
Suzanne, you raise a wonderful point, when we put on the glasses of expectations we cannot see what is actually there. I have recently been looking at expectations myself and found that when I hold one I am actually blinding myself for what is in front of me. It made me realise that we ourselves are the creators of what we see and what we do not see.
Your blog has so much wisdom Suzanne and it’s a very important message that I’m still learning.
Having expectations is like setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment when things don’t turn out the way we want them to. More insidious are the expectations that we put on ourselves and as a consequence transform who we truly are to enjoin or feel accepted by others. Thanks for a great blog.
Well said franciscoclara8, I can look back and see how I morphed myself into someone I was not when I placed an expectation on how I should be, look like or act – all so I could fit in and join in fully with whatever was going on even if I did not agree with it. I did this a lot especially in my teenage years at school. The more I allow myself to be open to the possibilities and to love without holding an expectation of what the future may bring the more I am surprised by what comes, it is often far more glorious than I could have imagined possible.
I found a perfectly formed lyrebird feather, and an owl followed me through the forest. I had some wonderful conversations with random people. Snow crystals fell on my sunbathed face. I drank the clearest, coldest water imaginable. I stood amongst the snow gums and listened to the thud of snow falling from their branches. I looked up into the canopy of a Victorian Ash, so very high above, and knelt on the ground to watch the industry of ants. I sat quietly and the world around me revealed hidden sounds.
The magic comes to you when the fence is down.
Wow Peter! The magic of God and the magic of you!
Here is the man I continue to learn about the everyday from. Peter’s experience is what happens when you don’t expect life to be your way. I missed finding that feather; I couldn’t feel the sun warming my face; I didn’t hear the thud of snow; and I certainly saw no industry of ants! Big ouch. I know which experience I would rather have.
I have just had a round of job interviews and can feel the enormous pressure put on myself because of the “expectation”. It totally stopped the process from flowing with an investment of outcome. Allowing things to be as they are would make a big difference. I have learned much from this experience and will take this understanding to my next interview.
What opportunities, rachelmurtagh1, thank you for sharing – every piece of learning is there for us in the next moment, which, if embraced, blesses all that has passed.
I love what you are sharing here Suzanne, it is so great and so true. I have also felt that holding an expectation is a way to control (or trying to control) a situation in my own needs, and once that is not encomplished I can feel pretty bad and dissappointed. I have felt how this ‘pattern of expecting’ is actually a burden and an inprisonment, which is narowing my sight of seeing what is there to be seen and experienced. So great to see how you are experiencing and discovering how it is to express about how it is to let go of expectations, and to be more free from them, without any perfection. Wonderful sharing.
Thank you Suzanne for sharing this insight , to paint a picture and then expect it , is to seek only that picture instead of the truth life offers every moment of the day. To know the quality of energy we are and take that to whatever is offered we find we are equal to all and all is magnificent.
I’m wondering on a deeper level, whether by investing in something outside of our control, we are saying out of protection ‘no’ to the situation, person or learning before us
Yes, a good reminder to choose to be open in every moment, for what wants to enfold.
Otherwise we can go around and around in the same circles of expectations and don´t go, look or realise beyond…
‘We are not open to just letting the world – people and situations as well as nature – show us their own true beauty, untarnished by our own made up reality.’
I love what you are saying here. There is always beauty to behold but we only can’t see it at times or maybe even most of the time because we see it through our own preoccupied mind.
I have been pondering recently the fact that the sun is always shining but that we forget this because it is often behind clouds. It is still there always always.
So true, I find it adds to the pressures of day to day life which can easily turn into frustrations and distress. Such a shame that we can allow an expectation ruin the beauty of what is there in front of us to connect to, I know I certainly do.
Any mental structure, be it expectations, desires, wishes, etc are all tricks and traps to keep us not focused on our connection with ourselves, because when it is there, we realize the toxic nature of any and all of these mental edifices… what a liberation!
Thanks Suzanne. Freeing ourselves for the binds of expectations brings so much more appreciation, as we can see with fresh eyes what is truly in front of us.
Awesome, Suzanne. Your blog supported me to stop and feel where in my life right now I am still expecting things to be a certain way. It is so great to let go of this way of approaching life and instead just simply enjoy what actually is unfolding.
Love it Suzanne its a Science. Expectations have influenced how I see almost everything. I have missed the opportunity to understand why with life because of my expectations. Expectations make it personal – an investment. I want it this way because .. and the same thing can happen because of the expectation. It holds back the new opportunity of life and the development of self with the all. I hold onto Expectations because they are familiar and comfortable, and I will not get hurt. The more I have committed of late the less the drama – things seem to work out for the better. Give it my all and I do not really lose anything, and gain a lot especially confidence.
Expectations are like a protection aren’t they? We think we are protecting ourselves from seeing the difficult stuff, making it perfect in our mind, but we also block out the beautiful way of life as it really is.
This is a great realisation, and defiantly something we need to look out for. Expectations are such a big part of how we go about our day, expecting this, wanting that, why didn’t it work out the way I wanted it to? It’s all a big trick to stop us feeling what is really there, like your Husband could. I’ll be watching out for this a bit more closely now. Thanks.
I never thought of expectations as being conjured up in my mind so thank you for explaining that Suzanne. The expectation takes me away from the present and sets me up for failure.
Beautiful blog, Suzanne. Expectations constrict and limit the magic of what can be revealed to us every single moment. They are energetically imposing and damaging for ourselves and others. True presence allows us to see the beauty that everything brings unfolding in front of us.
Beautiful blog, Suzanne. Expectations constrict and limit the magic of what can be revealed to us every single moment. They are energetically imposing and damaging for ourselves and others. True presence allows us to see the beauty that everything brings unfolding in front of us.
What you write is fantastic Suzanne – something to read, ponder and study because it is much deeper and more insidious than might appear at first glance. For the last few months I have been seeing more and more clearly how at times I want things to be a certain way (even though I don’t realise I do) and how absolutely awful and exhausting that is. I have been glimpsing what it might be like to live without any of these shoulds, rights, wrongs, ideas, expectations etc and I can sense a ginormous liberation in that.
Exactly Nicola!
We have no idea what God has in store for us, and only by having no expectations and being truly open to every moment, can we allow his plan to unfold before us in all its beauty and simplicity.
“I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.” that is so true Suzanne. I feel that with singing, if I put pressure or expectation on myself my voice can’t just be, whereas when there is no expectation whatever is there to be expressed can be expressed unimpeded.
Just the word “Expectation” made me think of what I wanted in the form of material stuff and what comes to mind is past birthdays and christmas. I had a ‘want’ list and the expectation bar was set high and to be honest not attainable. If I did get what was on the ‘want’ list, which felt like a demand, my mind always expected more.
Seeking outside of me for anything was always to fill up the empty void I lived with inside me everyday.
I just celebrated a birthday with zero expectations and a tank full of connection inside me.
Nothing was missing and I had a same same day, business as usual and nothing out there changed that feeling I had inside me. I celebrated me and how far I had come and how little my material needs are now. That in itself was the best gift I could ever want.
Thank you Suzanne for writing this post as it sure helps me stop and appreciate even more the power of the work presented by Serge Benhayon.
Yes, Suzanne, that pretty well sums it all up expectations can ruin the beauty of everything presented to us.
Suzanne, you are asking me to hold myself for a moment and feel into what my expectations are for the day to come. Just now I have none. So I celebrate that I am there in full trust and willingness to embrace who and what is there to be met.
Beautiful Felix, it would be a joy to be met by you.
Great point Felix: what if every single morning we woke and felt first if we had any expectations of the day ahead. We can stop them before they get started.
Brilliant, felixschumacher8. What a lovely practise to introduce into our days, anytime, just to spot the expectations, if any, that are running the moment. Thank you.
With having expectations we create enormous pressure and are fixed on an outcome. That draws us away from the moment that is to be lived now and with our full commitment and we wander off to a point somewhere in the future. By that we neither honour the present nor the future, but especially not ourselves, as we stop ourselves from feeling how truly beautiful and simple being present is.
Absolutely michaelkremer2212. Through recent teachings and in reading this blog, I too understand how dangerous expectations are – and yet we include them into casual conversation every day. We have become used to having expectations – a goal, and outcome, a sense of security. But actually – it takes us completely away from appreciating the moment.
Thanks Suzanne, great example of expectations and pictures being smashed… There are so many things that can be so disappointing when we put our energy to things outside of us that are out of our control, we then experience the frustration, anger etc. Where you could potentially still enjoy yourself regardless of where you are. It’s very beautiful that your husband was able to do that and reflect that to you.
Thank you Suzanne. I can feel my life has been full of expectations, whether with family, situations, work – the list has been very long and has also included expectations of myself. I can feel having expectations has taken me away from the magic of simply being in each moment and enjoying the freedom that brings. How lovely to feel that sense of lightness and space that comes when we drop the expectation and allow things to simply be.
It’s so true Jane, our expectations can completely sabotage the potential magic and flow that comes from when we let go and just let things be and unfold naturally.
Hello Suzanne, a great look into the world of expectations. I am hit by what an expectation doesn’t allow you to see in any moment. It is like your expectation already has a set picture on how things should look and doesn’t really appreciate what is actually there. I think you give a great example with the Snowy Mountains story. I also enjoyed the beauty in your relationship with your husband in the fact that he exposed it and gave you the choice to enjoy what was there.
I agree with you in that there is power in just appreciating the moment and what is actually there rather than locking in a picture prior. Thank you for this article Suzanne it was simple, very easy to read and the message was clear.
Great article Suzanne. And I totally agree with your words here, What we can conjure up in our own minds is likely to fall far short of the true splendor and magnificence real life can and does display, as so many thoughts can come flooding into our heads all of the time and take away from what is truly there to be felt and known.
How awesome Suzanne, I absolutely love what you are saying here, when I live open to seeing the grandness of what is really there, and really going on in any situation, I am left humbled, appreciative, understanding and in joy to be a part of.
Suzanne, this is amazing. I too have lived a life with expectations and as I read your blog I could really see how much I have allowed this to creep into my life in almost every area of my life. I began to feel exactly what you were saying when you said that you never get to see the true beauty, whilst having expectations. I am finding this with relationships also. In fact when I step back and look at my life nothing is living up to the expectation that I have set. I have chosen now to allow instead of expect. I am now aware of this too as I reimprint my foundations to allow any sort of expectation slip away and allow it to flow. Thank you Suzanne.
Hi Suzanne, simple truth with an enormous extend if every one would aply this into daily life. I’ve only recently really started to accept the fact that every reaction is mine and because of me. There’s so many rules that I’ve put out. And from that there’s so much control I’ve put on others. Because of course, my rules are so important that every one has to obey them. Because if not, I’m hurt. And no-one, but me has to be blamed for that. What an enormous joke. It feels to me that if everybody on this planet has their own rules, expectations, ideals and beliefs – the world ends up in a mess. I have found it so freeing to let go of the rules. Although, it has been (and still is, at times) scary to let them go.
Thank you Suzanne for this simple and powerful blog. It helps me see all the areas of my life I have had expectations and how this gets in the way of what is truly there to be seen and felt. Even in the subtle ways of expecting a certain response from somebody when you tell them something. Not only does this put pressure on them – it sets you both up to not be on the same page and at odds with each other. How incredibly freeing it would be to live without an expectation of anything or anyone – I have had times of this and it gives me and everyone around me such space to be themselves and then there has been such a beautiful harmony between us.
Suzanne, I felt while reading this blog how it can taint life, If I already see a situation with people of how I THINK IT WILL BE,
then I’m not allowing myself to see the beauty that is there.
A responsibility that everything is everything.
Its so exposing to feel how having expectations take us away from feeling the beauty and simplicity that is before us.
I agree Peter, and I love how Suzanne describes how her partner allows himself to be met by nature, I love the feeling of this simplicity of just being and being open to whatever is before us what it is reflecting.
This expectations subject is a doozy Suzanne. I am thinking about energy healers and masseuses now. If they have any expectations of how their clients bodies should respond to a treatment then they are imposing their expectations on their client and inhibiting themselves from feeling how the clients body naturally feels to correct itself. The client on the other hand may be expecting a particular result from the healing and not get it. This presents an unnatural and dangerous edge to expectations. Wow, expectations ae insidious.
Love this detail around the whole practitioner/client relationship that you have brought here Jeanettegold. Expectations damage and ruin every relationship and close down the possibility of truly celebrating love and healing together.
I agree Lyndy… Jeannettegold, this is very true, expectations are such an imposition on both client and practitioner!
This is important what you share Jeannettegold how important to understand and see that “having expectations are our way of controlling a situation” and learning to trust to let go of our ways of controlling. And how beautiful it is if we do it changes everything.
I agree, jeanettegold, expectations are insidious. Look at all the emotions that arise when a pleasant expectation is realised, or when it is not realised, all the highs and lows of emotion come up. Far better to not have expectations, and accept what is to be. Life can be so much more simple and enjoyable.
I have also noticed we can taint what we see by an expectation of what we expect to see.
Very true Toni. We no longer see what is actually there to be seen, we see what we either had a preconceived idea or expectation to see or we see that it is not that. Either way, it does not allow for what is there to be seen.
Absolutely Toni and Nikki. I have also recently come to this awareness – how we often look but rarely do we see. We are indeed masters of our own Illusion.
What a great blog Suzanne and one I could totally relate to! It made me consider all of the emotions that come with expectation (including excitement, disappointment, anxiety etc) and how, for me, this comes whenever I look outside of myself in an attempt to go to events etc to bring me something, in contrast to being present with myself and allowing events to come to me.
This is simply a huge life changing revelation Suzanne. The simple experience you described felt to me like opening up an old dusty door leading to freedom. Shaking off the shackles of those expectations and feeling the freedom that lies beyond feels wonderful. From reading your blog I can feel many layers of ideals and beliefs that have formed so many expectations in my life. The ramifications are immense as I have allowed these to control how I relate to people and indeed the world. There is so much to reflect on here – thank you.
This blog relates to many situations that play out in my life. I often have expectations about how things will go, a classic example is how the other day our class (in school) had a timetable rearrangement which meant we had a new Science Teacher. We waited patiently outside, and then a man opened the door. I knew this wasn’t our teacher (as on our timetables we had ‘Miss’), but in my head I was already comparing this man to what I thought my teacher should be like – he was ‘too quiet’, ‘too short’, ‘looked stubborn’ etc.. Another woman, who I thought was just as assistant, came in and the man left. She introduced herself as our teacher, and to my surprise she stuttered a lot. She was fairly overweight, and talked at us for around 40 minutes straight (in my eyes this was wasting the whole lesson). She delivered quite the opposite of everything I expected from that lesson, and I realised how much I judged her for not meeting my mental standards. After a few lessons with her now, she’s actually a pretty good teacher – lets us get on with our own independent work and seems to care about the students; which is exactly what is needed.
Does this mean we are blinded until such expectations are dropped? And forever in a paradigm.
That is a beautiful sharing Susie. It exposes what we can miss out on when we stay in our expectation and judgement. We allow for very little to unfold as we are holding the situation in our expectation. There is no room to move when we have such a tight grip on something.
“With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen.” So much to consider in this article, thankyou Suzanne.
Yes there is a lot to consider suueq2012. I’m wondering what life would be like without any expectations and imagine we could just be, and let life bring us what we need to evolve, to serve, to experience, for karmic reasons and more easily observe the truth in every moment. We might also be able to let everyone else be and because no expectations means no judgement and no neediness. This dropping expectations is very appealing!
I agree Jeanette with what you have written- imagine a world where acceptance of life , people and self existed always, from not having any expectations or control. True love would be felt -with harmony and joy. Magical!
It is indeed appealing jeanettegold. You raise a good point that life can bring us what we need to evolve, and it’s crazy to think we could control this or know what “to expect”. The description of Suzanne’s husband sounds like a very appealing way to approach life – to allow the world to meet you as it is.
Yes Sueq2012 this quote is amazing. I can feel how expectations stop us from experience the true beauty a moment can bring. What also came up for me is that having expectations towards people is the same as it stops the beauty of connection.
This is great Suzanne, having expectations as a way of controlling situations gives me something to ponder more deeply on, thank you.
Suzanne this is a great reminder that there is true freedom and joy in letting go of control and how things need to be.
So true Suzanne, expectations are a complete set up by way of controlling a measured life. Keeping ourselves capped to only ever experiencing life according to how well it has met, exceeded, or fallen short of how we ‘think’ it should look. In allowing ourselves to simply be who we truly are, we can take that presence with us in life to remain open to what naturally unfolds.
Thanks for sharing Suzanne. This is great – “I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.” You are so spot on as expectations are so imposing. I have observed this in my experiences with children and can clearly see that if we have an expectation of a child then they can feel that as a rejection of who they are; this leaves them feeling that they are not enough as they are. The expectation also clouds us so we can never see and appreciate their true beauty so both parties miss out.
Expectations can really sabotage the quality of relationships, it leaves a big gap that can never be bridged.
Expectations of what life “should” bring to us certainly does lead to disappointment and disillusionment. Similarly expectations of what we should bring to life also prevent us from bringing our true loving fullness. Holding expectations for ourselves has always been the mark we have been told to set to strive for achievement, but in the striving we can never be who we truly are, for just as life is much grander and more glorious than we can imagine, so too are we more glorious than we can imagine.
“Having expectations are our way of controlling a situation”. I recognize this very well. As I read this blog and the comments I am getting more and more how silly this behavior is. There is a natural flow and order to the Universe, it reflects much to us that is invaluable to our development of understanding and our evolving. I come along, I expect it all to change the natural flow and instead flow the way I have imagined it should. I want to control the situation and when I can’t, I get frustrated, disillusioned, give up – in effect I throw a tantrum. All of this whilst I could be paying attention to what is being reflected and use my energy to build an understanding and a deeper connection. Every moment I get caught up in expectations is humongous wasted opportunity.
So many areas of life this can be related to. If I ask myself to describe what a woman is, or a mother, or how a person in a certain role should behave, etc…. there are so often pictures we have taken on of how things perhaps ‘should be’. So freeing to first check out the extent of this and to one by one let go of all the pictures, needs, and projected expectations or outcomes and just be, and allow others to also. Acceptance is so freeing for the body too, and can actually gift us back appreciation – which is huge! Great blog.
And talking about graphs again . . . having an expectation leads to either disappointment or elation, so you get a graph of ‘peaks and troughs, peaks and troughs’. This kind of rhythm really disturbs the body and the quality of the emanation of your being, which in turn disturbs everyone around you. There is no consistency and no healing in this. It’s a dead-end game.
Re-reading this great article, I am plotting a graph of how having ‘expectations’ fools us. We have the expectation which immediately distorts and lessens the possibility of fully experiencing, then we have a reaction because the expectation has not been met .Boom! It is a sequence of events that inevitably leads us into a cul-de-sac. – all to avoid the fullness and joy of true experience and relationship. It is all about delay and about dallying in a much lesser realm of existence.
Suzanne, your blog is very beautiful and oh so true. By wanting a certain result or having a certain expectation we allow ourselves to be so easily disappointed rather than see the loveliness of what is before us. I had not considered this before, so thank you for sharing.
Awesome sharing Suzanne. I really love the way you present having expectations and the way it creates a form of control. I have definitely placed myself in a number of situations where I have had expectations and was left disappointed and frustrated. Reading this was really special acting as a gentle reminder how when we stop expecting we can simply allow what is there to be seen. As some others have mentioned, this too plays out with people, and reflects to me how important it is to just allow them to be them, without have a pre-expectation or need for them to be a certain way. Thank you Suzanne.
I have been reflecting on this lately, and it is certainly something to let go as soon as possible, and to not get attached to, because we set ourselves up for disappointment, and as you say, we can actually miss the true beauty of the moment when we fix ourselves with a picture that we expect and it does not happen. And I especially agree with the fact that expectations are pictures we create about something or someone that is totally out of our control. Instead I can do something different: observe what is there, feel what is there to be felt, and hold myself and everyone in an energy that supports and does not run before whatever happens.
I loved reading your blog Suzanne and the very powerful messages it conveyed.
Expectations can take away the opportunity to expand and to be fully open to what is offered to us moment by moment.
What you have expressed here is just beautiful and clear, thank you.
“I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.”
Hi Suzanne, since reading your blog yesterday, expectations have surfaced for me to ponder and it has been amazing how many of them I have. From expecting to be treated well and fairly, to expecting my day to run smoothly and for others to know what I may prefer or not prefer in certain circumstances. I even want people to do things the way I want them done…The topic is huge and one that as you mention, is about control. This is one topic that needs more work for me and thank you for raising it!
A great blog, Suzanne, thank you. It is quite exposing, having expectations is what leads so often to great disappointment. What a very different experience it was for your husband, with no expectations, but being open to what was actually presented. And yes, the vista of the Snowy Mountains is absolutely beautiful in September.
I have learned over time to let go of expectations, an example has been the expectation of the dreariness of many hours of waiting in airports, many hours of sitting when going a long distance by plane, with the usual overcrowding. My last overseas trip was so very different, on one leg of the journey yes, the seats were still very close together, but there were 2 empty seats beside me. And the person who eventually moved to the aisle seat made a little comment early in the trip, and we found ourselves in such a wonderful conversation for most of the trip. An amazing connection, no small talk. That trip seemed almost too short. On the return trip, again, there was another great connection with the passenger next to me. I am now so much more open to whatever presents itself.
Suzanne I can very much relate to what you have written. Having expectations of wanting something to be a certain way stops us from enjoying what is right in front of us. What a shame it is that we create these veils through expectations because of ideals we hold onto.
Taking off those expectation glasses and allowing ourselves to see things for what they are and letting them be what they are is the only true way of being in life. I know those glasses well and can see so much clearer with them off.
I like the simplicity in what you share here Shirly-Ann ‘Expectations is like a lack of acceptance of the way things actually are that impeded the appreciation of the what is already being’. This brings a fuller understanding for me about my expectations, thank you.
I remember well how my expectations of others (this false mental programming) got in the way of my seeing their true beauty and accepting them as they were.
Me too, Kehinde.
After reading this great blog, I was reminded of those over-the-top concerts that touring singers seem to have to put on these days – the immense theatrical stage sets, the noise, the laser lighting, the massive speakers and amplifiers, the extreme dancing and acrobatics, oh and they sing too – did the audiences really expect and demand all that (before it became the norm), or is it something that has been manufactured by businessmen competing for the audience dollar? And why do audiences expect it now? What has happened to the singer having a real connection with their audience and just being themselves?
Or perhaps, Marian, it is just that the audience is so numb that the performers feel they have to up the anti as they are so desperate for recognition. They seem to be prepared to do just about anything for a clap…
Getting caught up in ideals and beliefs, wants and needs a formula for disaster, living in an illusion were expectations will not be met. Is a very old pattern and experience for many of us.
So true Suzanne. Expectations are the prison in which we supply the lock and key. Living in the moment magnifies all. Nothing is missed and by far supersedes anything “expected”. How Beautiful, Freeing, Nurturing, Loving and uplifting is that.
I can feel the truth, in that expectations create the control we need in order to not feel the simplicity and tensionless way each moment is.
I have found if I go somewhere with expectations of what it will be like from either a false build-up for promoting purposes or from elsewhere else, that it so often leads to being disappointed. This can also apply to the expectations I have had about people, whether it be in having already decided how they will respond to me, what I am expecting them to say, or listening to what I have been told and not feeling what is behind what is being told to me, this can be very limiting. When I go somewhere with no pre-conceived ideas, with an open heart and mind to receive what is being offered there can never be any disappointment. Expectations are constricting they don’t allow the opportunity to see the true wonder and beauty that is there to be felt in nature or feel the true essence of the people they are with.
I love the way you have exposed how operating under ideals and beliefs brings in the damaging component of judgment. If something, some place or someone doesn’t live up to our ideals or beliefs we judge and blame them. Inevitably things are going to fall short (if not go over, as you so astutely pointed out). This creates a de-stabilizing rhythm of ‘up and down’ – look up to the ideal, let down by the reality – that keeps us stimulated and in drama, and so disconnected from the divinity in everything.
Absolutely Marika “whilst I am looking for what I am expecting, I miss what is right there…the magic of life just passes me by.”
And it is so strange that we do this. It’s as if we conciously make a choice not to be open to the greatness of ‘the magic of life’ as we afraid of what it could bring, we completely disconnect from the potential, and hence we disconnect from what is going on for ourselves
It is a most peculiar human habit. Perhaps we are afraid to let go and feel our own innate greatness too.
Great blog Suzanne! It turns the table on perspective. In operating under expectation (whose meaning Lucinda so well points out) we are artificially setting up the outside world to DO something for us – something that is perhaps amazing or awe-inspiring, when in fact we ARE that ourselves. Being open to see what something or someone is, is such a joy.
Indeed, expectations can be a source of frustration and disappointments. Also, as written by Suzanne, expectations creep in without us clearly feeling them coming in. Very sneaky!
ahhhh…those pesky ideals, feeding me conditions about how life is meant to be. Perfect recipe for disillusionment.
absolutely Joel, if life doesn’t deliver out expectations, and if we choose to think that it should, a great recipe for disillusionment, and maybe even giving up. Amazing how we can put such conditions on life, and then we miss out on what it actually truly offers us.
As you say Joel “Perfect recipe for disillusionment.”. . .and disappointment. Either we are disappointed or someone is disappointed in us.
So very true Suzanne, I can see more and more how expectations can be in any and every moment and how they can cap our expression at the time because we have pre-invested in something else or even a specific conversation taking place. I love the clear example you and your husband have inspired and the difference in receiving what is there to experience in the moment to that of having a picture of what will or should be.
Yes Suzanne, I can see how expectations come in when I look for something outside me to feel ‘better’ in a way. When I am content and at ease in myself, other people and places are an added richness to be savoured not measured and dissected. So I agree expectations are far great but more like an illness we can suffer from. What a box to be constantly judging the future from.
So true, we miss out on so much when we hold expectations to outcomes.Thank you Suzanne a great blog.
Suzanne whilst reading your article I got a very clear image of the word expectation as being the equivalent of a metal cage. A structure that basically imprisons us to ‘match up’ what we hope will happen to what actually is happening. If what we see/experience matches our very rigid model then we get to feel great but if it falls short then we feel let down. The fact that it did not match our rigid pre-conceived idea means that we don’t have the freedom to experience many other wonderful things that we could have got from the situation
Great topic Suzanne, thank you for sharing. Any expectation is fraught with disappointment from my experience, a real kill joy. It doesn’t allow the spontaneity and magic to reveal itself if we are trying to control and manipulate an outcome. It is a form of protection really.
In accepting people as they are, and life as it is, is very freeing and we can truly receive all the beauty that is ever presenting itself to us…and most often exceeds any limited expectation we may have held.
Yes, I experience that as well Victoria, that when I don’t have any expectations and I am just with whatever is presented in front of me, it is beyond what I could ever have expected. My expectations are limited, what is truly there is without limits and goes beyond what the mind thinks it should be.
Absolutely Victoria, ‘In accepting people as they are, and life as it is, is very freeing and we can truly receive all the beauty that is ever presenting itself to us’. When we hold expectations not only do we want to control an outcome but we imprison ourselves in a cage where our view is very limited and as you say ‘it doesn’t allow the spontaneity and magic to reveal itself’. This blog is a great reminder to constantly check in with ourselves and to expose any expectations we may have however small. This can be an ongoing process as we forever deepen our awareness.
So true Victoria, expectation certainly does limit us from as it rejects as you so beautifully put “the beauty that is ever presenting itself to us” and therefore we miss out.
What a great bog Suzanne, it is so easy to connect to what you are saying. Don’t we miss out on so very much when we expect something rather than receive what is right in front of us?
‘With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen’ – this is equally the case with people. When we have an expectation that another should be a certain way, we are in effect saying, ‘you are not enough as you are’, which is awful – to be imposing this and to be receiving it. What you share is huge. Thank you.
A great read thanks Suzanne – this is one that I am working on to feel more into my part in expectations of other people.
Thanks Suzanne! I need to read more blogs on expectations. A HUGE topic for me that I am always looking at. It feels near impossible for me to not set something up only to be disappointed. It’s funny, because we all do it, everyday and history repeats over and over and yet rarely do we twig that perhaps it’s not life that is disappointing us, but it is our expectations, our pictures and unnatural belief systems, mostly created through absorbing society’s instructions that has us in a complete twist when things do not look like it said they would in that Magazine, or in that Movie.
To dissect it a little exposes the craziness of it all. I should dissect more often!
I have also recently noticed how my expectations on others, particularly family relationships, colours what is allowed to unfold and be between us. It puts pressure on the other person and they can react or withdraw. I have not been appreciating what is here with me.
So very true Suzanne. Not having an expectation in how anything has to be, but being in the moment to express truly and receive fully, miracles happen–because the miracle is us.
Suzanne, what a great blog topic, you really got me considering where I have expectations and how with that, I am cutting off on the possibility of something more. I feel control has a part to play here as you mentioned and also trust – when I let go and allow, life meets me and it’s gorgeous so you’ve reminded me to keep catching those expectations and let go and feel and see the magic of what is in front of me.
Well said Monica, this blog is an awesome reminder for me as well, to keep checking where I have conditions, and where I want life to turn out like I want to, rather than allowing life to unfold and come to me, and to see and appreciate what it is that is there for me to learn and experience and enjoy.
Expectations, I have had many. As you say Suzanne our expectations often fall short of what people and nature offer us and make us blind to the many possibilities.
Expectations are so limiting really aren’t they. Without them we leave the space for any magic to happen that will meet us at this point within the universe – leaving room for something true to reveal itself for our own evolution.
This is so true Debra, expectations blind us and shut us down to the opportunity directly before us to grow and develop in every moment and situation.
This article reminds me of a way of living, a life style bubble, that I had spent many years creating and developing. In that bubble are a lot of expectations. Having expectations is definitely controlling and creates anxiety about whether the expectation will be met. Even more anxiety is created if the control that is desired is not achieved. Living in this way is very exhausting and this just leads to more what ifs. A vicious cycle. Today if I find myself indulging in thoughts about what might be then I know I need to regroup and look at why the expectations/life style bubble is there. A wonderful blog Suzanne. A timely reminder.
Great blog Suzanne, something I have experienced also. Another aspect I have been aware of lately is my expectation of people, my friends in particular. Recently a couple of old friends contacted me, both friends I had lost contact with but had never left my thoughts. We started a new way of communicating that was much deeper and honest then before, which brought us back to how our relationship had ended and why. What came up was that they both hadn’t lived up to what I felt was best for them. I had expectations that they didn’t meet, and so I withdrew my love as I found their choice’s painful to watch or so I thought. I didn’t allow them space to be them, I was imposing with my ideals and expectation that I missed seeing them or seeing truth of why they made those choices. The truth was that my expectations weren’t meet, they hadn’t let me down, me having expectation had. We are now building new relationships where I’m choosing to see and accept what is in front of me. Learning to love with allowance, acceptance and support.
Could expectations be an ingrained behaviour or tool we use to stop ourselves from saying ‘Yes’ to our next evolutionary point? We therefore miss out on the fullness of what is on offer to us by having preconceived ideas/ideals about how something ‘should’ be.
Suzanne, I loved reading your article and feeling your exposé on the rollercoaster ride that expectations sets up for us in life. Living life with a set of ideals, beliefs and expectations established in us a way of being that never truly allows ourselves, others or the world around us to simply be, placing us in a centralised position of being the judge, the jury and the law markers, all measured by our personal standards. As you’ve shown with your recent trip, we build these measures up in our head that stipulate how things show be instead of appreciating and/or understanding how they actually are. It’s a tremendously limited way of being that never allows us to fully see all that is truly there to see. It is amazing the prison which we create for ourselves; our own personalised misery boxes which we call life, all the while the beauty of the world that simply is surrounds us.
To feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us, and to let go of the expectations and control is huge! I recently experienced this and was blind to the light and beauty and could only see the mistake. This has happened a lot in my life and to be reminded to let them go is deeply healing. Thank you Suzanna, I had to reread the last few paragraphs as I checked out when reading hmmmm something that I was avoiding.
I’ve spent half my life focusing on what I did wrong, always looking for the ‘black spot’ in a sea of beauty. These expectations and judgements have come at a heavy price though as they have been debilitating to my self-esteem.
Not only that, it turns out that I have put these expectations in place to avoid being seen for who I really am… because if I do come out and be myself, I am afraid that I will be seen in my greatness, be targeted for being that, like I was in school and then get hurt all over again.
But since studying with Universal Medicine I have gradually let go and started allowing people to see me for who I am – and if for some reason they don’t like it or want to criticise it, that’s too bad for them.
I love this Dean. I can relate to a lot of it. The expectation I have put on myself have been so high and so harsh and I have had similar expectations on others. It has left me always seeing what I and others are not. It’s pretty yuck! I haven’t allowed for the greatness we all are. It’s a work in progress and I’ve come a long way….
Likewise Nikki I’ve also come a long way. I’ve noticed along the way even the smallest steps forward make a big difference. In other words I have actually found a lot of enjoyment and even joy in the process of getting to know myself (when there was a time for a while there I dreaded every moment).
…so also when we have expectations of ourselves or of others we are setting ourselves up to miss our true beauty you spoke of Suzanne.
Expectations feel like the will-full side of us setting us up for a downfall. When I approach a day without expectation it has an opportunity to flow and to surprise me with its unerring beauty as it unfolds. When I start the day with expectations I end up squeezed and squashed and frustrated. Letting go of expectations is a work in progress for me, and as I let go of expectations I find that I am easier to live with, and I am sure others appreciate this too!
Susan your ‘squeezed and squashed and frustrated’ sums up how limiting life can be when we try to control it with our little brains. My feeling is that for a lot of people, not controlling means they will be all adrift and buffeted by life. That can be a scary thought. But both control and being adrift are two extremes of the same disconnected state. When connected with ourselves, we can free ourselves, everyone and everything else from expectations, but still responsibily go about our lives doing what has to be done, in tune with the flow of all and in joy of the connection with all.
Suzanne I felt to reread this wonderful blog as it is very insightful and I realize with those expectations we miss out on so much more.
Great realisations are revealed here for us to read, a really great example of how we set ourselves up for a fall when we have these expectations.
Great point touched here, expectations are indeed very harming, it is about wanting something to be something else, instead of just letting in what is there for us, but a controlling manner of not wanting to see what is there. And as something doesn’t live up to our expectations, as you say very clearly, we lose the ability to see what is presented to us.
Golly Suzanne, we sure can make a mess of a situation by bringing an expectation to the table (or the mountain) and the disappointment that can follow can be horrible! Getting a present one Christmas instead of something I’d imagined springs to mind for me, which left me all emotional in the bathroom having totally disrupted a family moment. Tarnished all for the sake of my own made up reality! I love that you suggest this is a way we control a situation, pointing a light in understanding how we play games to keep ourselves down, in the drama or to get attention instead of taking each moment as it is and seeing the actual beauty that is there to be seen. Beautiful to read this, thank you.
Grat blog Suzanne – expectations are always our own demise… and they can filter into every area of our life – the expectations we place on others, the expectations we place on ourselves, our expectations that things will be a certain way. I have only ever experienced friction and tension from an expectation. I love how your husband was able to just allow what was there to be.
Thank you for this beautifully insightful blog, Suzanne. With expectations, I am predetermining a situation/person and setting myself up for an emotional reaction, depending on its outcome. This robs me of being in the readiness of the moment, seeing and appreciating the fullness of what is being offered. I can now see how expectations have formed my life – growing up sensing expectations from the parents, the teachers, the friends… and trying to meet or reacting to them, and imposing my expectations onto the others and dealing with the reactions, and how constricting and suffocating this feels to me.
Hi Suzanne, what a great way to highlight how expectations get in the way of connecting with what is around us in any one moment.
A great offering Suzanne about one way we dull down life. What I felt in particular was how we over a period of time, consistent disappointments may lead to the expectation that we will be disappointed even before we arrive at the experience! How common is this in for example, opening up to a new relationship, where many expect to be disappointed and limit themselves to a fling or one night stand as opposed to being open to true love and unlimited potential.
What a great blog Suzanne, you inspired me to look at the expectations I have had around people and even events. Disappointment seems to accompany expectation more often than not I feel.
When I am able to let go of control, the freedom of just allowing a situation or person to be simplifies everything and can surprise by the richness that can be there when everything is allowed to unfold in its natural order.
So beautifully said Jeanette…Even when we’re pleased with the way something has turned out, when it is based on expectations, it feels limited due to the fact that it was pre-determined and controlled.
I remember being told as a child not to expect anything or don’t let my expectations get too high and that way when you receive something it will be a surprise. But there is still a control in this way of being. Life without expectations is big.
So true Suzanne, it’s our conditioning, ideals and beliefs that create images in our mind of how things, people, places, situations should be which warps our perception of the beautiful opportunity for evolution, constantly being presented to us in every moment. From now on I want to fully accept what is before me, understanding my choices have created this reality, which is perfect for what I need in my evolution.
Our expectations are there to keep us seemingly protected and feeling in control but in reality this is an illusion because we get hurt anyway – when our expectations are not met.
I think what you have shared here is a great example of us ‘wanting’ something but then receiving what we really need, a way to show the lack of presence, to be wanting in the first place. A way in which most of us have lived until being shown another more loving and lacking of complication way through Universal Medicine.
Absolutely agree with all that is written. I’v been living my life with so many expectations, I am only just coming to know what it is to have no expectations. It’s such a different way of seeing and being in the world. It’s like I am giving myself the space to be more in the moment and truly see the beauty that is in front of me. Thank you.
Caroline, I love what you have shared,”Ah, expectations, killer of enjoying the moment.” This is so true!
This is such a great topic – great expectations!!! Going into any situation wanting to see something or achieve something blinkers our perception and sight of the whole, and in that we miss out. We truly miss out on everything that is there for us to be seen in that moment as you have so beautifully shown and described. Thank you.
This has brought a greater awareness to me of expectations and in by having them how they can limit us in potentially missing grander moments in life. Thank you for sharing what you discovered.
What I felt when I read this, this morning, was the expectations and with this the pressure and hardness I place on myself, this is all a game of control I knowingly play, as it is a choice that I could stop in moment, ( or any time it sneaks in say no, this is not who I am or want to be) to stop me from feeling the real me, the beauty, gentleness, joy and love that I am. But also, is that, in playing this game, when we don’t meet these expectations we place on ourselves or others, as they are not real and can never be met, it is a form of bullying and control, that keeps us in our head, as we can treat ourselves / others in a way that is not loving or true and takes us away from the joy of living in the moment and all that is presented to us each day.
This was lovely to read ‘I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.’ Nature is very healing even in reflecting to us ideals, patterns and beliefs we have held onto that are not really us; but like you, you need to be open and willing in order to see them in the first place to then let them go.
Suzanne thank you for your insights with expectation. Reading your article I am already more aware of my expectations and how these come from wanting it to be certain way.
This is a brilliant observation to bring up as the reality of the way we live rulled by our expectations is enormous. The freedom and expansion felt by letting these go is very beautiful and opens up a different world to truly see. Thank you Suzanne.
“I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.” I got caught up in this yesterday, having an expectation of a meeting that looked as if it wasn’t going to materialise, but managed to clock it as I felt the disappointment creep in. The meeting then happened! Such a waste of energy, but a great reminder to be even more vigilant with regard to my expectations. Thanks for a great blog, Suzanne.
The last sentence summed up the experience of expectations Suzanne.’I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation,…’ In doing so we cut ourselves off from receiving and contributing in full, what is possible in any interaction. It is something I have been pondering on a lot lately and your sharing here is inspiring.
Agreed Bernadetteglass. What Suzanne has touched upon here is huge – undoubtedly our expectations affect nearly every interaction we have with others, and what we meet ‘in life’ every day. To truly live without needing something from a person or a situation… this opens up so much for us all.
And I love how Suzanne has shown this so simply yet powerfully in this blog – nature ‘remained’ magnificent, yet she recognised she wanted something out of it, and how that need stopped her receiving and appreciating in full what was right there before her. Don’t we do this all the time with people in our lives?
It does seem ridiculous to try and control something that cannot be controlled. There is no way we can predict or affect the outcome of events or other’s behaviours and yet we seem to believe we can and project a picture of what we want it to look like rather than taking responsibility for our way of being and then trusting that things will unfold.
Suzanne what a beautiful example showing the set up that expectations are and how they actually sell short the true beauty of all.
I just got that “holding on to my expectations or picture how it should be” is really a “holding on” – I hold on to have a guideline, to feel safe. I can compare everything to this picture/guideline/expectation and so all what happen to me is either good, by confirming the expectation, or bad by comparing it. So my life and all around me becomes good or bad. And this is an immense falsity! In truth there is no good or bad.
Absolutely Sandra! And so a division happens with the ‘good’ and ‘bad’, and that disempowers us from that potent source of pure Love and Light.
Yes, and I can waste soo much time by dealing with what goes “wrong” in my life – even it is all made up by me, having expectations in the first place, how my life should be….
Ah, expectations, killer of enjoying the moment. I have experienced a similar situation. Spring is trying to get through here in Holland. Last week there was at least one day of sunshine, with temperatures heigh enough to sit outside in the sun with only a tanktop. There the expectation kicked in: ‘Spring has started, let’s get my Summer clothes out from the closet!’. How disappointed and even annoyed I was, when the next day it was cloudy and so cold that I needed my winter jacket again. This happened several times the past weeks. Not for nothing we have this expression: ‘April has its own will’. By reading your mail I realized expectations kicked in. And guess what not only I, but for many the weather was a topic the past weeks. So whoever I met, there was always a small talk on…..the weather. This brings me back to my boyfriend who never complains about the weather, but just loves being out in whatever weather. When I complain, he says: ‘There is no bad weather, just bad (rain/protective) clothing!’
When someone doesn’t meet our expectations, we can often see ourselves as the victim, and the one being let down, but if we look at our part to play in the situation, we began by asking them to be something they are not, and then take personal offence if they don’t meet it – it’s actually ridiculous.
Yes very true Laura Hoy, how unfair to have an expectation of someone to perform, deliver and create something for us, rather than just letting them be who they naturally are and enjoying the spontaneity that arises as a consequence.
I agree Laura, it is exhausting trying to force life to be something it is not. When we have these expectations for others then we also have them for ourselves. What a relief is when we live and breathe free from need.
It is so lovely to re-read your article Suzanne, this really stood out for me, “we are not open to just letting the world – people and situations as well as nature – show us their own true beauty, untarnished by our own made up reality”, I can really feel with people that I have an expectation of how they should be rather than being open to seeing their true beauty, it’s great to be aware of this, thank you.
It feels very much like expectations restrict our life and evolution and having no expectation in people or situations opens us up to miracles. Thank you Suzanne for a super blog.
Maryline, I find this too. When I don’t have expectations on how things should be, and have no investment in outcomes, my life just flows easily and effortlessly.
Well said Maryline Decompoix.
Suzanne, your blog highlights to me how I set myself up to be disappointed when I have a narrow expectation of how things should be or turnout. When I am more open and allowing, I am better able to appreciate or deal with what is actually there.
Thank you Suzanne for this blog. Expectations really leave your body disturbed as I have found in my case and it can be a small thing. For me its like I have put my investment into the account and feel hurt in some way that I did not get an equal investment from that person that I was “expecting” something from. This hurt leads to some form of judgment and my emotions can be anger, frustration, resentment or bitterness.
How sick is all of this and its like a game that you will never win.
Thank God I have a great and deep understanding from the work of Serge Benhayon so this expectation business no longer dominates my life as it used to in the past.
Not wanting or needing anything from the outside of me to make me feel complete is what I am working on and not having that investment is a very healthy way to live.
Very interesting – in particular the less common point about expectations being exceeded. This is equally a step away from just being present and experiencing all that there is in the moment… wanting to exceed expectations is just another momentary hook albeit one that ‘feels good’ and so is not considered a problem.
Great point Simonwilliams8, the nastiness of the expectation is hidden when we go above and beyond what we have expected because we have that moment of elation through what we have achieved.
Ex in latin means “out” and spectare in latin means “to look/see”.
Looking out to something before it happens is wasted energy – it’s a set up which will always be void of magic as Suzanne has shared. The esoteric teachings of Serge Benhayon reveal that if we look within and practice conscious presence, with this balanced union of body and mind there simply is no need to ex-pect anything.
That’s lovely Lucindag…a very simple reminder that the minute we look outside ourselves, then we have expectations.
Thank you Suzanne, I especially loved reading the part about the limits of our imagination in the face of what beauty life can actually bring.
Great blog Suzanne. We were sold this story from very early on, to expect things to be a certain way, the spirits pursuit of recognition and expectation. It makes life very linear and devoid of the beauty that a spherical way of living offers.
A very timely blog Suzanne, thank you. Recently I too have realized that I have expectations about certain things, and then recognized that in order to have expectations, I must at some level be exerting some control over what I was wanting out of a particular situation. This control feels harsh, dominating, and imposing in my body and needless to say, would be imposing to others too. I realize that control is the complete opposite to love, a quality felt in stillness and in the presence with self.
Wow, great blog, I can recall so many times in the past getting caught in this circle of expectations and when not met how cranky I have been. It’s a great reminder to really appreciate each moment for what is, as it is supportive and loving.
Wow, this is beautiful, Suzanne. I’m just realizing all my expectations I have in the morning for the day to come. I’m already flexible and not disappointed, when the day unfolds differently – but why have expectations in the first place? Great eye opener. Opens the door for more joy.
I am the same Felix! I so often have expectations of how much I am supposed to get done in a day, what a day will look or feel like, instead of going moment by moment and allowing whatever learning is there to be taken in in full. This expectation for me creates a sense of dis-ease and puts me completely off balance. I’m realising the less I try to control and ‘stay balanced’, the more stable and consistent my life actually becomes.
Hmmm this expectation ‘thing’ seems to be a biggie for most people. As this is what underlining caps and dictates to how our lives are to be lived. SO isn’t an expectation just fancy word for ideal or belief?
Great point Amelia and Felix, expectations are a real killer – especially when applied to ourselves!
Thanks Amelia and Felix for sharing how expectations can be with us all day long in small ways. This post has brought expectations more into my awareness, I suspect my frustrations and tensions in particular have expectations as their source.
Suzanne, a great relay of how expectations feel and act out. I love this line “With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen.” Thank you.
Thank you Suzanne for sharing this powerful realisation. This has caused me to stop and reconsider many of the expectations I have had about life and fellow human beings. Ouch.
A lovely blog to read Suzanne; I agree with you wholeheartedly expectations are crippling and dull us to other possibilities.
You have summed it up beautifully in these words;
“I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.”
Thank you Suzanne.
Shirl, I relate to the comment that “having expectations are our way of controlling a situation…” I realise I have been guilty of that in the past. Gradually letting go of the need for control, but more open to what is there to be seen.
I’ve been pondering on exactly the same thing lately Suzanne — the expectations I can have of all sorts of things, which comes down to wanting to control a situation and have it turn out in the way I’ve decided I want it to. What I’m also noticing is the less I go into these expectations and allow a deeper trust and surrender in how I approach life, life seems to respond back with less anxiety and tension and a lot more flow and grace.
Katerina I too have have noticed a greater sense of ease in my body and in situations that would normally put me into tension and stress, not at all perfect but can definitely feel a shift when I am willing to let go of control!
Being present to the moment always offers incredible gifts, if only we get ourselves out of the way so that we may see and experience all of their beauty. Thanks Suzanne for a timely reminder of the trap of expectations.
I am often stopped by the joy I feel when I am present and then feel the Magic of God in the simplest of ways. It’s great to be reminded to let go of the expectations as they certainly get in the way.
So true Jennifer Greenham. These gifts are always all around us.
We are missing out on these beautiful gifts by not choosing ideals and beliefs to take us away from being present with ourselves. Then we can’t appreciate the beauty of the gifts around is. What a tragedy really!
I really like this blog, it seems very true for me that at times I have had an expectation regarding something, only to be followed with an emotional reaction to it.
I hadn’t seen it as a form of control until recently…
When I have allowed life to just unfold there is beauty in that… Something I am observing more and more.
Thanks Suzanne for your sharing.
Yes, expectations (!) Suzanne so great to have confirmed the ill of having these with your example in the snow that brought great clarity or truth. Love your words and insight here: “With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen”. How they limit and blind us to see only what we want to see – a fraction of the otherwise absoluteness of any whole.
Very true Zofia – another clever way to keep ourselves small and contracted and miss out on the whole of what is constantly at offer.
Absolutely Zofia. I also love what Suzanne is saying in this sentence also.
Expectations are blinding and if we are blind to what is truly around us then there is a complete stripping of our ability to deeply appreciate and then further to that, express our appreciations to the rest of humanity. We are effectively choosing to forgo this beautiful ability to appreciate by not being present with ourselves. We must take the all the moments to be present with ourselves in order to feel and truly appreciate our divine- ness, and then to appreciate it in what God created for us in nature as a reflection.
So true, Suzanne. Do you find also that there is a strong component of ‘programming’ behind our expectations? By that I mean all kinds of media set us up by constantly bombarding us with what is to be considered ideal and desirable, until this becomes part of our reality. If we realize we’ve been ‘played’ and make the conscious effort to be truly present with what is there, we see the lie we have been living and the illness and discontentment that inevitably resulted. Returning to true openess to the beauty all around is so very healing.
Dianne T. I really love how you’ve brought ‘programming’ into the discussion. I recently experienced a group of people who have a very real and immediate potential to relate to each other with a far deeper honesty but, because of their expectations that teenagers are always rude, selfish and stroppy, they accept this as a fixed reality which then becomes self-fulfilling because they wouldn’t ordinarily go beyond their expectations.
Exactly Dianne T! It is a big game of us being played where we impose something on someone that is not really from us, it is from the ideal or the belief.
Through presence, that is, our mind being with the actions, movements and feelings of our body, is how as you say, we can then return to true openness and appreciate the beauty all around.
Beautifully said Dianne! Discontentment is such a key word in flagging that we have left our connection with ourselves and so with God.
That’s a interesting point about programming Dianne and the importance of being present so that we can see the lies and live what is true from within.
Thank you Suzanne for the timely reminder of how damaging expectations are. Expectations leave us with a constant stream of disappointments. I had a holiday a couple of years ago with two of my sisters and we all had different expectations of how it would be for us. We didn’t share this with each other and we were all disappointed with the outcome. We missed an opportunity to truly connect with each other and our surroundings and we haven’t organised another one as we are all afraid it will be disappointing again. Feeling expectations of how others would like us to be is also a trap to take us from our own truth.
Yes Irene, I can relate to what you have written here. I have been disappointed with the outcome of a holiday in the past and although my family and I are going away this summer, I can feel the anxiousness in my body. I have an expectation that because we are away from home in different surroundings that everything is going to be a bed of roses and when it’s not I get disappointed. I am already setting myself up for disappointment instead of accepting each moment and allowing it to unfold.
How wonderful that you have that realisation as do your friends.
What a great realisation to take to planning and going on your next holiday with your dear friends.
‘ If we make it about expectations we lose the one thing we want most – the connection with each other ‘
Planning a holiday together with the intention of . . . love, connection and appreciation of each other, I would imagine would be such a powerful way of approaching it.
This is gold Suzanne – It did not even occur to me that expectations are coming from our ideals and beliefs. And to add the cherry on top we impose our expectations onto others on how we need things to be too control situations – YIKES.
YIKES indeed Kim, imposing and manipulation coming from our expectations to control events doesn’t work, I have found out that one. Letting go, going with the flow and trusting in the process works best. And the more we trust, the more we can let go, in fact, let go and let God!
What a solid point Kim Schultz. We are imposing something on others that are not really from us. How crazy is that ?
I love this article Suzanne. Having expectations camouflages what is there to be felt and seen so we miss the healing of the situation, we miss the divine constellations that are presenting themselves to us. I’ve often done this with people.
I’ve expected something from them – a need being met perhaps and imposed my expectations, my need, my control. I’ve then missed what is being offered for me to learn and grow from, or simply there to inspire.
There is such a beautiful humility in being open to what is before me when I let go of what I’ve constructed in my head as being how people or things should be (!). A grace is bestowed for everyone in each moment which is lovely to appreciate.
Such a great example of how we try to control our life’s by living with expectation. In truth our expectations can never be met as it doesn’t allow us to see the natural beauty and flow of life. It’s definitely something I am aware of and working on, thanks for your sharing Suzanne.
Oh yes I’ve been caught out by expectations before. I have to say that in the past New Years Eve was one of those big ones – the expectation of a big celebration with friends, of fun, of feeling a new beginning, and of course expectations of what the new year would bring – better and brighter things than the year before. Now those are big expectations to have every year. Of course often all I got was a hangover!!! And a whole year to feel the disappointment of expectations not realised. As I write this I wonder if this is how we typically live our lives, always taking ourselves away from the present moment to some place that we imagine or believe will be better. Like you Suzanne I’ve come to realise that the most precious moments are in fact everywhere if we just stay with ourselves in the moment.
I love the way you have described the resulting state from shattered expectations as being harmful emotions coursing through our bodies. This really exposes the poison we invite when we hold an expectation of thing.
I have put many many expectations on my relationships, rather than allow those close to me to simply be themselves. What an imposition it is to need for someone to be or act in a particular way.
This makes me question how much we miss in life because of our ideals, beliefs and expectations. This example of the Snowy Mountains could be transferred to any situation and totally confirms how our so called reality may not be real at all.
Ultimately we miss the magic, and our connection to the divine.. and the picture we carry round in her heads plays a big part of it. It’s a crime, to let so much beauty and love go to waste.
Allow the magic of any given moment to unfold of its own accord with no expectation. Thank you for the glorious reminder Suzanne.
I can relate to this, to how much expectations, ideals and beliefs can taint our perceptions of things. And how much more we can see when we don’t have these projections out onto life.
“When we free ourselves of expectations we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.” This is so very true, and I particularly love the use of the words “true potential” which reflects just how limiting approaching life with expectations really is.
Expectations are “outside of our control” I love this line. Does that not mean that we are not meant to control- It’s quite refreshing to realise that we are only to focus and take responsibility for ourselves. An antidote to my expectations would be letting people in, as well as accepting how grand I am and letting myself out, to be in the fullness of me, and therefore not needing anything from situations, or others.
An awesome insight into how having expectations can limit what is actually possible. I have been so aware lately of the many expectations I have placed on people, events and even myself, and I have begun to realise how exhausting it is, because, as you say Suzanne, it is our way of trying to control a situation. Now that I am choosing to let go of the expectations in any situation, I feel so open to whatever comes next, and that leaves me free to enjoy whatever that it is. As you say so beautifully; “when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us”, and in my experience, there is so much beauty waiting to be revealed.
You know how that saying goes – ‘expectation is the root of all disappointment’ (I was going to say it was the root of all evil for a moment, but thought that might be a bit too extreme) Too often we mull over things before they happen, Creating a picture in our head of what it should be like. It’s an amazing thing being able to let things happen and trusting it’s all going to work out and be wonderful. It allows you to fully take it what’s surrounding you. It’s much more enjoyable to be able to look at each situation with fresh eyes, gives everything room to grow.
It is so true that expectations invariably set us up for disappointment, as does comparing Australian snow fall to Canada or Japan. Thanks Suzanne.
Having expectations is exhausting! I have been working on “letting them go” but still find it hard to not expect my children to pick up their towels off the floor, or tidy their rooms, etc – as you mention this leads to disappointment and frustration. I can definitely feel how control comes in to play. Thank you Suzanne, this is such a great blog, and has left me with much to ponder.
I reflected as I read your blog Suzanne on just how many times my experiences have been diminished due to my ‘expectations’. As you point out, holding these expectations has blocked me from seeing what was ‘hidden in plain sight’ waiting for me to notice and appreciate. Thanks for a welcome reminder to just allow things to unfold rather than trying to control every moment.
Thank you Suzanne. Such important observations of how we can run and attempt to control our lives. I know what I can do is have scenarios of possible outcomes to say something I need to attend to – almost trying to predict an outcome. When I don’t observe the true effects of this and let those thoughts run riot, it stops me from doing what needs to be done. This is very similar to what you are sharing. Not only do we get disappointed because of our expectations but it can stop us (and others) from moving forward in our lives.
“Having expectations are our way of controlling a situation” and are limiting what we are able to see or experience. And what happens when our expectations are coming through?
Also there is the limitation because we will not look any further of what might be there. Expectations are really a set up one way or the other so we do not allow ourselves to be open to what is on offer.
Ahhh Expectations.
Expecting something or someone to be a certain way has bound me up and trapped me many times. However when I allow people and situations to just BE…even myself, I let go of control, the appreciation I feel deepens and the moment is far more glorious then first EXPECTED. 🙂
‘What we can conjure up in our own minds is likely to fall far short of the true splendor and magnificence real life can and does display.’
Having expectations of a person or situation puts pressure on them to deliver something to us that we have decided we need so that we can stay in control … this now seems like a really crazy concept as we miss out on the full potential of what the person or situation is there to bring.
Agreed – it quite simply cuts us off from the present, and so we can’t really experience everything that is in front of us while we wait for the ‘expectation’ to happen.
Suzanne your example relates so well to all aspects of life. If we choose to put expectations on our partners, family members , friends and work colleagues we to get to feel the disappointment that we have invested in. To identify them as another belief is so powerful as we can recognise that this is not allowing us to truly APPRECIATE every moment and us in it.
I can see how the expectations I have of myself, of life and of others are capping and controlling me and this blog is a great inspiration to look deeper into the nature of my expectations and free myself from them.
This blog rings very true with me. Expectations feel like a fixed point in which growth is not welcome. If you reach this fixed point that is it and there is no offer to go beyond in that moment. So you make another one. Whereas without expectations there is an openness and an offer for expansion as there is no fixed point. The possibilities are endless with no end in sight therefore allowing room to grow in ways we probably could not even begin to imagine beforehand.
Thank you Suzanne for demonstrating so clearly how damaging expectations can be. I have certainly ruined many an event in my life by having unrealistically high expectations that were never going to be met – in some ways it felt like a way of controlling the outcome of a situation but has caused me much heartache and I totally agree with you when you say: ‘Through this experience I have come to appreciate that in not imposing my own ideals on how life should be, in reality it can actually be more remarkable than anything my simple mind could imagine.’
Super blog Suzanne and yes it is true that when we let go of control in which ever shape or form we have been controlling in, this provides the space and clarity to see what is truly there to be seen.
Thanks for this Suzanne. You are so right. Wanting to experience a particular scenario in the way that you have experienced something previously or to recreate it puts a cap on what could be experienced now. I just had a reminder of this in the park this afternoon with my children. I had wanted to chat to the same parents I had chatted to on a previous occasion as I had enjoyed it very much. However the opportunity did not present itself, but instead the different one I had today was just as enjoyable and fun as the last one because I allowed it to unfold naturally and we all had a great time!
‘Having expectations are our way of controlling a situation’ – this is very true Susanne, any need we have for a certain picture or outcome in any situation, is damaging and controlling as well as completely undermining the magic of God. Your blog is a great reminder.
This makes me humble Suzanne… I know this bad taste of unfulfilled expectations from trips – but transferred to relationships this taste of control is bitter on the tongue and calls me back to let go and surrender to life*.
Awesome, awesome blog Suzanne. I can say I have placed expectations on many aspects of my life that left me feeling exactly like you have described. As a result it allowed me to blame others for how I was feelings instead of taking responsibility of my choices. Once I recognise what I was doing it is never too later to reminder myself to not put unessary expectations on myself, things or others but to keep a very open mind and heart.
Wonderful insight. It is all to common to have expectations because we have a view of form we want life to take and this is all simply control. Life is life is all we can do is learn to BE in life for all that life is and all it can provide us with.
Great blog Suzanne, timely and a great reminder of how ‘framed’ our pictures can get with expectations.
Thank you for sharing Suzanne. When I was reading your blog I noticed in myself how many expectations I have during the day and mostly if things go different then I expected I react and think I did something wrong. A very interesting reaction as like you said: “Sure expectations are often exceeded too, seen by many as being a great thing, albeit still creating a temporary emotion or heightened state in the body that is based on something outside of our control.” It is out of my control, so putting all my self-worth in expectations of how my day should go is just setting myself up for failure… plus it also takes away the magic of the moment! …hmmm
Expectations are a sure way to destruct the possibility of having a loving experience. The worst expectation to hold is that of needing a person to be a certain way, and being upset or frustrated if they’re not. In this moment we are disconnecting from that person and sabotaging the possibility of a loving engagement. So in truth expectations are a way to reject and resist the celebration of the love and joy and magic of God that is all around us. It’s a totally set up to be miserable.
So true Danielle, I love the point you have made.. If we withhold love from someone because they don’t meet our “expectations” then not only do they feel that imposition but we also hurt ourselves by going hard and keeping them out.
Completely agree Danielle, expectations take us away from ourselves and each other and leave us empty and miserable.
Thank you Susan and Danielle, I agree the little things that happen to us in every way are the things that allow us to stop and enjoy that magic! Indeed the magic of God is present in all equally, we only feel this with an absolute commitment to truth as presented by Serge Benhayon.
..and what occurs to me when reading your comment Danielle is how often that expectation is me of me…so then I am cutting myself off from me ‘and possibility of a loving engagement’ with myself.
Wow Kathiefreedom that’s such a great point and didn’t think of it like that but it makes complete sense – it’s a totally cutting down if our self, sometimes we guarantee it be setting unrealistic bench marks, that we are set to never reach, giving reason for the self berating and low self worth that follows – but all a total set up by our selves again to not have to shine or embrace the love that is around us.
Expectations are not only a total setup, but also a way to rope in the future and consequently squeeze tight the space (= time) between the present moment and the future event; in other words, it’s also a waste of time.
So true, it’s like time thinking about something that we don’t even need to bother with, in a moment we could instead be enjoying ourselves!
“Needing a person to be a certain way” yes many a time I’ve ‘expected’ those around me to behave or say something in a certain way – a manipulation of the situation. that’s really made me sit up and feel into this. thank you Danielle and Suzanne.
Absolutely I’ve even tricked myself by thinking it’s ok to expect someone to be loving or respectful in the way they are with me because I deserve this, but even this is controlling and imposing on someone and not accepting them where they are at. It doesn’t mean I have to engage with disrespect, and I can nominate it for myself and make it clear it’s not acceptable, but this needs to come from absolute love for the person, and not berating them or making them less for where they are at, but loving and embracing them so deeply they may feel the possibility of another way, but whether they do or not it doesn’t change who we are.
Great work Suzanne, the expectations we carry weigh heavy and overbearing on every moment. That we then get disappointed or cranky is a further waste of energy making it all so very tiresome. Letting everything and everyone be as you are allows the amazingness of life to reveal itself.
This is incredible, thank you for sharing Suzanne. Whilst I’ve heard it many times before your blog is a great reminder that the expectations we hold are weighty and stop us from being open and experiencing life as it is. This I feel is the reason why I often feel disappointed. The problem with this is that, if we are heavily invested in what we expect to see or experience, we can easily feel very hurt and give up on life and people.
Reading this blog is a timely reminder for me and the lesson you are sharing relates to so much of life. I can very much relate to how having expectations of any kind is very much linked to the way we try to control life and it’s outcomes. Thank you for this profound insight.
Suzanne, thank you for revealing how we cut ourselves short of any joy if we let expectations rule our way. I can totally relate to what you are sharing but have never looked at it so clearly as you have shown here in this writing. And it goes both ways, even if the expectations are met there is no true joy in what we are experiencing because by finding something more than we have expected we have held ourselves already short in the first place and then stand in awe of what we are seeing/getting/experiencing but do not stand in awe with ourselves.
When the beauty of everything in front of us is tarnished by expectations. Wow this is definitely something to ponder on, how much do we miss when we have an expectation of any sort. To add to this an expectation is always of something that is ahead of us. How in any way can an expectation support us in being in our presence. As I ponder more on this I feel how insidious expectations are.
Yes, well said Leigh ~ expectations do not allow us to be in presence. The way I feel when I bring presence to each moment is truly fulfilling, having an expectation doesn’t compare.
Suzanne I can so relate to having expectations and pictures of how I think things should be. As I have slowly let go of these, life has a greater flow and trust which leads to much less disappointment.
Thank you Suzanne your blog has given me a deeper understanding of how often I expect things and situations to be in a certain way, whilst missing out on what is truly there for me to learn from. You have given me lots to ponder on when you say
‘I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.’
A beautiful revelation Suzanne in how to see the magic of God that is always in front of us, but we rarely see, due to being blinded by our ‘blinkers’ of expectations.
Good summary Andrew – blinkers is a great way to describe the control, and narrowing of our view that expectations can create, rather than opening up to the glory that is all around us.
This is such an awesome blog Suzanne. I place so many expectations on others and your post has made it so clear that I am missing out on how amazing my relationships really are when I do this. Thank you!
“I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us” well said Suzanne. We miss out on what is being offered to us in any given situation, when we go in loaded with expectations and manipulating the situation to be what we want it to be or re-interpret it so we get what we want. But all of this is void of stillness and connection to what that moment truly is.
One of my favourite quotes from William Shakespeare is on expectation…..”Expectation is the root of all heartache”. So true! Thank you Suzanne for your expression, I found much wisdom in your writing 🙂
Love this Suzanne and particularly this line “What we can conjure up in our own minds is likely to fall far short of the true splendor and magnificence real life can and does display.” beautifully expressed.
‘I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation’ – I agree with this awareness Suzanne. Expectations cap or limit the true beauty and joy that may be offered in any situation.
So true Suzanne – expectations do not allow us just to be us and to feel everything in that moment. This was the very reason that when I was in my early twenties I decided I was never going to get married – I felt that so often there was the huge weight of expectation that was created between a couple and I did not want to take part in that. I have since seen couples who marry without expectation but with commitment to allowing and accepting the other to be exactly as they are, with no expectation of how the marriage should be and it feels completely different.
Having expectations, as you say, is a way to control situations and making sure that what happens fits into a preconceived box of our own making; it doesn’t really work though and takes us on a rollercoaster of disappointment or elation – plus we miss out on what is actually there to appreciate and enjoy.
I know this one too Suzanne! I recently had a big ‘picture’ I was holding smashed and in holding that expectation I caused a lot of unnecessary angst for myself and others. Meeting life as it is and people as they are, as your husband did, is an excellent suggestion. Thank you.
It is so true that having an expectation puts out a picture so to speak of what things will be like and this does taint whatever it is that is coming to us to experience. I really enjoyed reading this blog.
This is such a fresh view of how we feel about expectations – what else is there to be seen which I have missed – GOLD. Thank you!
Suzanne what a great opportunity to see another area where we set the expectations and what we miss out from as a result. I know I have been one for expectation setting and having pictures of how things should be. I then spend my time and efforts trying to meet this instead of enjoying life. A work in progress to let go of expectations but certainly something I am committed to and this article inspires further.
This is the case with so many things in life. We set ourselves up for disappointment so in effect we create our own misery. I know the times when I have had no expectations are the most magical. There is a wonderful feeling of being open to things just as they are. There is an innocence and acceptance in this that is beautiful. It is life minus the control.
What came up for me reading your blog is that not only do we miss out on the beauty that is right before us but we also make it harder for the other to really shine in their fullness because we expect something we’ve made up in our minds.
An amazing blog Suzanne – and it has brought so much clarity to my feelings about expectations. I can feel the imposition of someone having expectations about me as they have been part of my life since I was young. What I am now realising after reading your blog is how much I impose my expectations on others and this feels like a wonderful opportunity to really look again at how abusive an expectation can be. You mention control and for me it is about trying to control, quite often without words, the behaviour and actions of another in order to get my needs met.
I realise how from young I have imposed expectations on my children and I have seen how much harm this has done. It also feels a really hard way to live life as the imposition is really draining on our natural energy that supports us to be everything.
It feels so much more supportive and beautiful when I can ‘allow’ people to be wholly themselves unhindered by expectations.
Wow this is huge Suzanne something I can so relate to! “With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen.” How often do we lose sight of the magic in front of us only to dwell in on our perceived picture? This gives me something great to ponder on during my day. Thank you.
I love the practical example you offer here Suzanne and relate well to your sharing. I always had a huge expectation of events such as birthdays and remember the let down that often ensued. Also having an expectation of another to deliver is another area to fall into and so imposing on another to expect them to deliver whatever it is that WE require. Super self centered and closing ourselves off to the potential of what is there to be experienced. I love the comment from Otto about having our expectations met but not seeing beyond that expectation and maybe missing more that was there.
A great inspiration to stay open to what is presented without attaching to an expectation and outcome, thank you.
Wow Suzanne thank you for this, your blog makes me really quiet. I am allowing myself to feel the impact expectations have and your blog inspires me to really focus on them today to see where I have them (and I do have them, especially on people). With an expectation I don’t allow the other to just be and be very open in what they bring.
By holding onto expectations we control what we see in life both good and bad, so then who or what controls or judges what we are to expect from life? and why are these controls in place? If what Serge presents ”Everything is because of Energy” then the next question would have to be – which energy is controlling and holding onto our expectations? Thank you for sharing this simple example Suzanne, it just shows how vast the simplicity of life can be.
Thank you Suzanne for giving me a new way to view expectations. There have been times when I have had expectations of others or event that have left me feeling let down. I like the comment of Pernilla “I gave permission for things (and hence myself) to be as they are, I felt such freedom as if a weight had been taken off my shoulders”, I can relate to how that feels too and great comments by all.
Thank you Suzanne this is a great realisational blog and wow how many times I have done the same thing with different situations. I had my ideas which prevented what is there to be fully appreciated. Expectations on ourselves and how we should or want to be is another obstacle that comes in the way of simply loving ourselves joyfully with the freedom to appreciate ourselves and all the we are.
Yes, thank you Suzanne for your blog and thank you Otto to consider expectations as a pre- arrangement that we make with ourselves and our world, “a safety net”….
I have suffered a lot from this and it is so much we loose when we do so…
Yes Otto there is so much more. We are so much more.
“an expectation is really just an ideal or a belief about something that we want and imagine will happen.” And how many times have I had these? Countless. But we always have a choice as to how we feel, although it may not seem like it. Great point Ottobathurst regarding capping ourselves in maybe not feeling the full potential of a situation – or ourselves for that matter!
This is such a supportive sharing. Expectations often are so subtle, and lately I was able to see that I had already the expectation how my day should be and as it turned out differently, I was annoyed and under stress. How different would it be to stay open to what the day brings and appreciate this.
Thank you Suzanne for such a simple but profound blog, it exposes how we set ourselves up to be disappointed, frustrated annoyed when our expectations are not met. I also realise in these moments how I can then judge these things based on good or bad and this will then colour my experience rather than being able to see exactly what is there to be seen. I remember booking a holiday because we had such bad weather in the UK that year and so at the time of booking my thoughts were to have some sunshine because of our bad winter and to get away for a break. That particular week that I was away, the weather was better in England than where I went to, I had my phone stolen and the whole time I felt a tension because In truth I did not need a break. I learnt a lot from that holiday because I stayed open to seeing the bigger picture, but equally if I had stayed closed I could have easily blamed the holiday the place or the company I was with.
Yesterday I choose to have day without expectations. I had to work, meet 8 different shop managers and do a lot of driving. Formerly I had made a plan on what time I should be somewhere and how much time I have for each person and the journey. This day I just did one after the other and met every person in the moment, did not think about were I have to be next. And instead of rush through my day/meetings and try to keep that day going – this day did unfold to me, it did come to me! That was an amazing experience – an unfolding day…that feels truthful, feels how it should be. Not as an expectation, but as a knowing of how it feels to be in livingness, to work on the path which is prepared for me, to surrender to THE PLAN.
This blog is gold for me. Very often being confronted having expectations especially towards people this was awesome to read and gave me a lift to look at it even deeper and finally let go of the control to have things in a certain way. Feeling deeper, there is this will to create my own future and not trusting that everything will be alright and what is coming my way is exactly how much I can handle.
Thank you Suzanne for sharing your insights and wisdom on how, having expectations limits us from connecting to the opportunities that life is presenting us with. Having read your blog I will now be keeping a close eye on what and where I may be sabotaging situations by having expectations of how the outcome should be.
I sat a while reflecting on the many times I too have had expectations which as you have expressed leads to disappointment, frustration etc the complete opposite to the end result/outcome expected! Expectations can just creep up into our everyday situations – then there is a comparison element that gets in the way especially if in a previous experience everything was bright light and beautiful the next experience lets us down to not be so dazzling/showy as before. A lovely sharing Suzanne one I shall feel into more. Thank you.
Thank you Suzanne. How many times have I gone to a place with preconceptions? Countless it seems. When I think about this and why I have ‘expectations’ of the world – I know I do this for a sense of security.
If I ‘plan ahead’ what the outcome could be, then I’m more aware of whats to come and I feel more comfortable.
But how much of an illusion is this when in doing that, I am not in the moment, and when I arrive at the situation or place that I’d put a lot of time and energy into thinking about, it is never as I have ‘mentally prepared’ it to be.
So like you, I don’t appreciate what is actually there to see.
I’ve exposed this more and more as a game I have a choice to play or not, and I really appreciate your blog and the honesty you bring – it gives me a deeper understanding of why I don’t need to have expectations.
Thank you Suzanne, I was pondering om expectations in relationships the other day, especially in relationships to men. Like you say those expectations are purely based on ideals I am holding on to and prevent a deeper connection and a natural unfolding of the relationship and the magic it holds.
This is an amazing insight into life – I agree with you – expectations can ruin something amazing life has to offer, because we don’t actually see what it is life has to offer because it does not match the picture of what we’d like in our heads. I know for me I have felt numerous disappointments that are of my own creation. Even worse are the expectations of other people that are impossible for them to fill. The moment I just let things be the freedom and space to really appreciate life as it is is amazing.
In the past I have so limited myself by my expectations and it has been such an entrenched way of being that I still catch myself doing it, even though I know of the consequences of doing so. When I do manage just to be open and present to the moment my life is so much more expansive and outward looking. Thank Suzanne for a superb exposé of the harm of ‘expectation’.
‘When I do manage just to be open and present to the moment my life is so much more expansive and outward looking.’ Thank you Jonathan for the reminder to be open and present in life as the antidote to ‘expectation’.
Reading your article Suzanne I realized how I lace nearly everything with expectation. If I watch a film I expect to be entertained or amused and am disappointed if it doesn’t match up to my preconceived idea of what I thought the film would be about. I may have been influenced by opinions of others in the promotional advertising or reviews in deciding whether or not to watch the film so am setting an expectation before I start. Perhaps most telling of all I have expectations of myself and can be disappointed if I do not match up to my expectations of how I think I should do something.
This is a great conversation to begin, and what I am asking is how much of the day and the way I feel at the end of the day is based on and measured on how I think it should be? For example if the day or the people within it have not been how I would expect them to be does this mean I label the day as ‘good’ or ‘bad’? I know I have in the past and I can see then that I have blamed others or a situation for being a certain way. This seems ridiculous now but I can feel how this way of expecting life to be a certain way is controlling and how then many opportunities are missed or not even seen. I am learning being myself and open to see and feel whats really going on supports how I experience life. Thank you Suzanne
Great blog Suzanne and I agree, when we have an expectation then we fail to see “what actually was there to be seen, to be seen” and thereby miss out on some of the greatest gifts of all. Learning to relinquish expectations is and still a work in progress but the less I expect the more I enjoy every part of my day. What is so interesting with your blog is that you have shown us how we create our expectations built on comparison, bringing an past experience to bear on a future event, so in effect expectations keep us tied into and limited by our past. When we allow ourselves to stay present with ourselves and enjoy what is happening in the moment, then we open the door to the future and all its possibilities.
This is really beautiful Suzanne, ‘I see now that having expectations are our way of controlling a situation, but when we free ourselves of them we are able to feel and experience the true potential and beauty life reveals to us.’ I am very inspired reading this and realise that I do have expectations about how things should go, whether it be social get togethers, work or being in nature, so its lovely to read and ponder on this, thank you.
Suzanne, while reading this, the first thing that came to mind was the expectations that we place on ourselves, and for a moment as I gave permission for things (and hence myself) to be as they are, I felt such freedom as if a weight had been taken off my shoulders.
Great point because expectations are very much carried around with us. So if we let them go we will feel so much lighter.
“With having an expectation, I did not allow what actually was there to be seen, to be seen.” I can so relate to what you share Suzanne. I have blinded myself many times with false expectation and missed the beauty and wisdom of what was there to be seen. Expectation stifles openness and a freedom of allowing things to be as they are.
There are so many wows in your blog Suzanne I don’t know where to start, it really resonated with me. When you express – “Through this experience I have come to appreciate that in not imposing my own ideals on how life should be, in reality it can actually be more remarkable than anything my simple mind could imagine”… this is to true, we limit our lives, and our own potential by allowing our minds to cut it in and go with ideals and beliefs…. and expectations of course!
If only we could realise how huge and grand we are, we could then realise how huge and grand our lives could be. Something to work on, thank you for sharing.
Thank you Susanne. What a beautiful realisation that exposed the ill result from us having expectations of any sort. Expecting something or someone to be a certain way is us not allowing others and situations to just be, it’s us not accepting things or people and it definitely stops us, as you say, from seeing what is truly before us.
I have found that when I have expectations or need something to be a certain way that usually it is a way of me using a form of control to feel safe. But it’s crazy because the expectations are false, hence the blessing on feeling let down etc, to make us realise that we can not actually control another or a situation.
Expectations are devastating you dont get to see or feel any of the true beauty that abounds us… Nature is a classic example its great to catch it when it happens
I was definitely one for expectations, my emotions would heighten and on occasion if the desired outcome did not occur they would crash and burn. So much of my life was used waiting to see if things would work out or if “I” would be let down…’again’. I did not always enjoy being in new places and people around me felt this pressure that they had to deliver and it was not a cool way to live in relationships. It is great how you highlight how often our expectations are also exceeded, I know I never really appreciated this in the past, I was too tense and focused on seeing what would happen. I have made a lot of changes and part of that is letting go and not trying to control life. I feel so much better and others do not feel the pressure of my potential disappointment, I commit more to the moment and allow life to unfold, knowing that if I am present and truthful that this is enough. “…I have come to appreciate that in not imposing my own ideals on how life should be, in reality it can actually be more remarkable than anything my simple mind could imagine.” As you say life can truly be ‘remarkable’ if we observe rather than control, true magic unfolds.
Great example and so relatable. I recently was at a holiday on the coast of Britain when we turned up the pictures of the holiday home had been taken in such a way that everything looked spacious and big in the house – it wasn’t – immediate disappointment and annoyance at being mislead. Then we went to the beach and the water was brown and it looked flat and dull. The last time I was at the beach was in a particularly beautiful beach in NZ which is stunning whatever the weather. Again disappointment and flatness. By day three I was able to appreciate the stillness and beauty that was on offer, the water was bluer though and the sun shining. I was never going to go WOW but on that morning it was so beautiful and it was horrible that I just wrote it off because it didn’t match my initial picture. Like you share Suzanne we do this all the time and often with no awareness that we are doing it by putting in the way how someone should be etc… instead of just being ourselves with whatever comes next.
This is an interesting read, especially at the moment as I have been looking at my own expectations and reactions to the things I cannot control. It does seem that these expectations, which are just thoughts that I have on how I want and expect the world to be so that I will be ok and feel safe and when it does not go my way, or the idea of how I think it should be, that’s when the reaction kicks in.
I am discovering how complicated and drama filled this way of living is, so lots to consider here. Thank you for bringing this up as a topic.
I’ve never thought of it that way Suzanne, but I can now see what you mean.
Thank you for making the point and bringing it to me attention.
It is true that when an expectation isn’t reached it can leave us feeling disappointed, frustrated or let down. But what I am pondering, off the back of this fascinating blog, is all those times when my expectations have been met and thus I think that I have got/seen/completed everything from the situation that was there. But what have I missed? what else was there? As you so rightly go on to say, that expectation is a massive cap on the full potential of what was being offered. Expectations are a pre-arrangement that we make with ourselves and our world. A safety net that ensures we keep our lives within the parameters of where we are at when we make that expectation. But there is so much more. We are so much more. Thank you Suzanne.
I agree Ottobathurst and Suzanne, expectations can be so very limiting. For me it feels like I go in wanting to see something, a picture I have created, so I hone in on that and if it is not there get disappointed and look for it and if it is then due to my blinkers being on I miss the beauty of what is all around me, crazy really!
I pondered on the same Ottobathurst, that’s maybe the most devious aberration, if our expectations come true. “True” – really? In fact they come never true. Maybe they become real but truth would be divine and divinity is not something I expect. Divinity is expressed or it is not. I know it or ignore it. There is a divine Plan for us all and if we choose to be connected to it and live it we know what is and will happen. But expectations include my choice to give up on my knowing – giving up my power – and then comes the need to control and hope. Expectations are hanging on self-determined powerlessness.
So true Ottobathurst how easily we can be fooled by the picture we paint or the expectations we place on how we want something to be. It is so easy to limit our selves by a picture rather than staying open to everything. It is a massive cap that keeps us held not wanting or needing to move on or change. We are so much more and there is so much more, yet we limit ourselves with either not being enough or we are enough.
Good point Ottobathurst. Having expectations is like having a life of tunnel vision.
I had exactly the same pondering. I recognize how expectations put a cap on what is there on offer, not only where they aren’t met, but also when they are met. Expectations foster control and a certain outcome and are goal driven. Where as being in the moment with what is there on offer allows us to feel expansion and flow. Thank you Suzanne and Ottobathurst.
Thanks for opening this up Ottobathurst. So true how easy it is to put a cap on ourselves. Well said.
well said Ottobathurst!
Thank you Suzanne and Ottobathurst, for your contemplations on expectations and the extremely limiting way we perceive life through their veil of either being met and keeping us comfortable or not being met and keeping us disappointed. I’m with you on becoming aware that so much of God’s beauty and amazingness, as it flows through life, is continually being shut out by us only looking for what we want to see or experience. And thus we don’t allow the full richness of what might be able to come to us.
“Expectations are a pre-arrangement that we make with ourselves and our world”. This is quite a revelation as it reveals how much we miss out on whether we achieve our expectations or not. Controlling life is a great way to keep it small instead of glorious!
Ha! I love this: “Controlling life is a great way to keep it small instead of glorious!”
Such a great point Ottobathrust and an expansion on what Suzanne has presented to us. Whether expectations are met or not, we are missing out on being open to greater possibilities.
Great points that everyone is raising here – exploring how we cap ourselves. This capping through expectations for me is so much around control and lack of trust. I feel there is much to explore/ponder around trust because we are not trusting ourselves to be able to ‘deal’ with whatever comes to us or ‘at us’ (be that issues or magnificence) so we set up how life should be so we know we can cope with it. I have done that so much in the past and still do it now but just far less. Thanks for the reminder of how limiting life is when you live it like this and to be open to accepting life as it is. In all its glory.
What a great example Ottobathurst. I too have experienced disappointment from investing in an outcome, but had never considered what the capping of exceeding our expectations has denied us. Expectations are a double edged sword – regardless of the outcome we lose.
So true, having an expectation on anyone or with anything is simply creating a separation from yourself, with whom or whatever you have that expectation about.
I agree Oliver Hallock, I have used, and in truth probably still do expectations as a way of of not letting people in . In the sense of if I build up high expectations of those close around me, family, work, friends, then I have more investments in them to be a certain way, and when they don’t meet them – (they can’t because they are not real) then I don’t let them in – even though I really want to – very harming for everyone, and a great way of not letting me out in full too. A horrible and very cunning game to play.
I can really relate to this Gyl Rae. A very familiar picture for me. Having such huge expectations that I set myself up for disappointment from the get go, from the outset sabotaging true connection as I have created a picture of how it should be. Feeling how controlled and imposing this is. Great to dig this one out and thank you Suzanne for your deeply insightful blog.
This is a great example Suzanne. I have become aware of how destructive my expectations can be recently too, and I am super aware of them around other people and relationships. In the same way, I am wanting them to be something particular, and not appreciating what people naturally bring to the relationship nor their natural quality. Apart from leaving me feeling pretty cranky, unsatisfied and frustrated, how does it leave the other person?
When I let go of any expectation or desire for things to be a certain way, I allow room for myself to see something magical.
Wow, having expectations of another person now feels like a rejection of them – it says ‘don’t be you, be the way I want you to be’.
Gosh that feels really ugly, as well as capping self, I’m trying to cap another, very controlling and manipulating. When the expectation goes, there is so much more potential for anyone in the situation to be more.
So true Sandra Dallimore. It does feel like a rejection with an arrogance and Imposition attached. Capping ourselves and another’s potential.
Having expectations is like walking through life wearing blinders. You only see what is directly in front of you, but the magic of what is all around you – and with it the completeness of the picture gets lost.
Brilliant comment michaelkremer2212, surrendering to what is happening and trusting that everything is in order…….
“Having expectations are our way of controlling a situation” very well said Suzanne and a great reminder of being open and embrace the beauty of what ever is offered. I can very much relate to it specifically with the nature experience as you describe. Having travelled all over the world I have seen a lot and kind of lost interest in seeing new places as I felt that I had seen everything already and it was just the same, just a smaller or bigger version of it, more beautiful or less, etc. Today I just connect where ever I go and I don’t expect to see or get anything out of it, its just being me.
You are so right Suzanne, I have never looked at expectation in this light but I certainly will from now on. Expectations just set you up for disappointment and stop you from being in the now of any situation.
This is a beautiful example Suzanne Anderssen, of the way how expectations do influence our perceptions and how we conduct ourselves in these situations. From my experience I can say that I find it quite a challenge to let go of the expectations I can have, an outcome of a meeting for instance. If I can let go in full, than I have experienced that the outcome is always something I never could have imagined before, but is satisfying me because I was there in full, not trying to control the meeting to get a certain predefined outcome which, when this outcome was not met I would get frustrated about.
Great Blog Suzanne and very simply and succinctly written. Expectations, for me, are my greatest downfall. They take me away from myself every single time. When I (eventually) notice the wonderful story that I have created around my expectation(s) and how contracted my body has become and I wonder why, there is a huge neon sign saying UNMET EXPECTATION blinking at me. Then, I acknowledge that I have had an unrealistic ideal and belief that has persuaded me that nothing is enough, that I am not enough, when actually I am everything. I call this ‘sashaying through life’, when all that is required is some gentleness and self love.
Thank you janneprice for highlighting just how much expectations take us further away from ourselves – this really made me smile –
When I (eventually) notice the wonderful story that I have created around my expectation(s) and how contracted my body has become and I wonder why, there is a huge neon sign saying UNMET EXPECTATION blinking at me.
Gosh have I learnt this one time and time again! Having expectations about how things should be has been a big part of my contraction, wanting to control outcomes to avoid being hurt. I have let myself stop and really feel how much pain this actually creates and am now choosing to step forth into the unknown (by my head) with the known (the love in my body) knowing that I will be cherished and held by life when I am living with this love.
I appreciate what you are sharing Suzanne.
During my life I’ve spent countless hours in a fantasy world called ‘the future’ with all sorts of expectations and ‘what ifs’. And when I arrived at the ‘expectation’ I was more than likely disappointed, elated, missing out on what was there to experience, or even looking ahead to the next ‘expectation’.
To top it off, thinking about outcomes and expectations takes me away from what really counts, which is NOW.
What a waste of valuable time.
So true Rodharvey. Anything that takes us away from right now is a distraction of a moment where we could be enjoying the beauty within us and what plays out in reflection before us.
Very well said Rodarvey – ‘the future’ is such a trap.