Expectation – the Lead Balloon affecting the True Me

Recently I became aware of what felt like a lead balloon dropping onto my lap. It was the heavy weight of expectation. This is an expectation that I am responsible for, as it is what I have put upon myself. Once I began to feel the weight of this lead balloon, that weight that had often been there suddenly became very intense. Let me explain some of the expectations I’ve put on myself…

“I think I should be perfect.” This crazy concept spreads across all areas of my life.

I think I should be amazing at my job – even when starting a new part-time job. I think I should be able to step in and know it all and be the best. I’m scared that if I don’t, my employers will think I’m no good and that they made a mistake in hiring me.

Likewise, I think that the company I run should be successful and if it’s not, I’m then a failure. I think within my own company I should be incredibly amazing and again know it all, even though I’ve never actually owned my own company before.

“I think my child should be perfect, I should be in a great relationship, should own my own home and a nice car, I should be an outstanding cook, my body should be perfect, the house orderly at all times, even that this blog should be perfectly written first go!“ I could go on, but my point is that it literally covers all areas of my daily life.

I have previously spent a lot of time thinking myself not ‘good enough’ or not complete until I achieve these things. I have pinned my self-worth to how successful I am and I have been identified with achievement. Simply being me has not been enough – I have had this pressure on myself to be perfect.

The result: I have been living with a ridiculous amount of nervous tension in my body. It is exactly that – a tension in my body. My body feels stiff as if I am constantly on edge. The term ‘highly strung’ is very fitting. To let go, even in the slightest, is like someone (myself) has released the tightly stretched rubber band.

When recently sharing with women at a Sacred Movement group about how we are as women, someone said the word ‘expectation’ and it hit a nerve. Last week I realise I had no awareness of any of this and then suddenly, I did – and I noticed the lead balloon dropped in.

Now that I can consciously feel the nervous tension, it is at times almost overwhelming and so unbelievably uncomfortable. But I also realise now that even though last week I had no awareness of this, I still felt it regardless. I have been living constantly with this tension and this tension has been my ‘normal’. Whilst feeling this is uncomfortable, there is also a relief in it, because before, it was as if it was choking me yet I had no idea, and yet now the grip has loosened and I am aware. The awareness of it all is liberating!

I am now acutely aware of how nervous I often am around people, at work, when cooking, with parenting etc., and although this is uncomfortable, the feeling of it allows me to make changes and new choices in response to different situations. I can now move beyond a constant nervous tension that has been with me for years.

So the lead balloon that has often landed and been sitting on my lap has been intense. But in hindsight, so has living with such a huge expectation of myself and constant nervous tension. Now that I am aware of it, I can no longer avoid what I have always felt. It doesn’t feel the intensity of the feeling has increased, only that I now am more aware of the intensity. And whilst having a lead balloon on my lap isn’t often pleasant, I now know it is there and that I’m the one who put it there!

I feel freer in knowing and understanding that these were my choices and that I can now make different ones. I can let go of more of the unnecessary expectation I put upon myself. I can be me, exactly as I am. Sometimes I forget to wash the greens when making soup, sometimes I leave the garage light on, sometimes I make mistakes… perhaps I won’t own my own home, or have a nicer car or any other external factor… and yet it doesn’t change who I am.

This expectation has been running me for a long time and strangely enough, becoming aware of the weight of the lead balloon of expectation has brought a sense of lightness and allowed me to feel more of the True Me!

Inspired by Curtis Benhayon and the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.

By Nikki McKee, Goonellabah, NSW

Further Reading:
Whoops Is One of My Favourite Words – A Message From The Author
From Self-development to Unfolding into my True Self – Inspired by Serge Benhayon
Imperfect
Having Expectations

878 thoughts on “Expectation – the Lead Balloon affecting the True Me

  1. The expectations we put on ourselves are actually quite huge and if we take time to feel them it is not a great surprise to then feel the exhaustion that comes as a result of trying to live up to those expectations.

  2. ‘I can be me, exactly as I am.’ These words change a whole reality about the rules and expectations that dictates we have to be this or that. It reminds me how precious we already are by doing nothing, just breathing, observing and being is and ever was more than enough. Thank you Nikki

  3. Recently Karin Becker in a Sacred movement session presented the importance of introducing a loving awareness in our life. We as women have put so much expectations in ourselves that we may feel really stiff and contracted, but this is not normal, even though we have lived like that for so long. However by feeling what is there in our body, with no judgment, by sharing it with other women who are having similar issues in their life is being very supportive and very freeing for me. We no longer have to accept the self demand with we have lived. Being just who we are, valuing the preciousness inside which is endless and complete, regardless of what we do, feels very restoring, like the coming back home I was waiting for…and now is there! here, inside us.

  4. The ability to live truly open and ready and willing to embrace what ever is next – with no expectation as to what or how that might look like is one of the greatest freedoms in life.

  5. Being driven by expectations is like being on a hamster wheel, frantically trying to get ‘somewhere’ but the goalposts keep moving.

  6. When we over think things we light the fuse to our anxiety which then in turn continues to feed itself and keeps raising those feelings of inadequacy, not only is it totally exhausting, it isn’t true either, the more we become aware of how it is for us, the easier it is to deal with, and we begin to change our choices.

    1. Yes there is stepped process isn’t there? first there is a pause to clock what is going on, in that moment there is an opportunity to react or respond. Second, there is an opportunity to detach and consider why and what movements led to that moment we are considering. Thirdly we have an opportunity to activate the more true way of moving that offers us s different outcome.

  7. Having expectations is such a huge pressure and weight to put on ourselves and our relationships. It only leads to complications and tension. Why would we put this upon ourselves and others? Is it to avoid being love? I’d say yes because expectations create a denseness that leaves no room for love to be expressed.

  8. ‘The awareness of it all is liberating!’ That’s my experience too Nikki The moment we become aware of what we are holding on to we have the choice to stop and change the way we are with ourselves. Once a practitioner said to me when I left the room ‘please make a lot of mistakes’ I don’t think I appreciated her saying that but now I feel in my body how lliberating it is to make mistakes.

  9. We really exhaust ourselves trying to live up to so many pictures and expectations, no wonder anxiety is such a common condition in society when so many are living with this ‘weight of expectation’ holding them back from being who they truly are.

    1. So true Anna, taking on expectations is a setup that is extremely exhausting, it keeps us chasing for the next thing and the next thing, and leaves us feeling not good enough or not complete.

    2. And it really exposes the absence of appreciation in our lives, that it’s not natural as yet to know, value, honour and delight in our qualities and who we are, instead we place expectations on ourselves to perform and function a certain way, which is painful and empty compared to the simple joy of knowing ourselves.

  10. We also have expectations of others. A dear male friend once said to me, as I casually shared my checklist of expectations of my new partner, that it felt as if he was on trial. I appreciated his honesty. Until then I hadn’t realised I was setting myself and relationship to fail, instead of being open to possibilities offered and allowing things to unfold.

    1. I remember seeing on an American talk show once the women audience members reeling off long lists of what they wanted in a potential partner, most of it was based on what he would do and say, and I can’t help but feel that this romanticised ideal amounted to an expectation of the women feeling loved – a huge expectation to place on others.

  11. Yes it may feel uncomfortable quite physically so, when one becomes aware of things; but I meanwhile appreciate it because it allows me to unravel the behaviours that have me have this dis-ease in the body in the first place.

  12. I have definitely experienced this ‘weight of expectation’ that you describe here but it affects me less than it used to. One of the game changers for me was realising that yes the world does exert a lot of expectations and pressures on me, which I used to think was the cause of the problem, but actually it is the expectations I place on myself that are the real killers and that I actually have a choice as to whether I agree and join in with the world’s pictures of how I should be or not.

    1. I totally agree, Andrew, that realising that it is not the world that has imposed the expectations upon us, however great the pressure may be to conform to societal norms, it is instead us who have chosen, is a complete game changer. And one that is tremendously freeing and liberating.

  13. It can be very uncomfortable to feel our bodies in full and really feel what is going on, but also very liberating for when we do get honest like you have done here Nikki we can start to make the changes and we know what we are dealing with, rather than something like this running the show in the background.

  14. When we are living to fulfill expectations we are no longer living in the present moment. Instead it is in an imagined future that will always be different to the reality which cannot help but lead to disappointment and hurt.

  15. It’s ridiculous the way we bash ourselves for the most minor of errors in a way that we would never criticise another. This expectation we put on ourselves is so burdensome and heavy it’s no wonder we get so exhausted.

    1. It’s so true Fiona, our whole day can revolve around one small thing instead of being with the whole of ourselves and enjoying who we are.

  16. Thank you Nikki. I found tears coming to my eyes a s I read your blog this morning and I went to a deeper level of honesty with myself around the lead ballon that I allow to sit in my own lap. All this is totally unnecessary and a way that we can hold ourselves back from expressing the beauty and glory that we are from …that we are.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s