Recently I became aware of what felt like a lead balloon dropping onto my lap. It was the heavy weight of expectation. This is an expectation that I am responsible for, as it is what I have put upon myself. Once I began to feel the weight of this lead balloon, that weight that had often been there suddenly became very intense. Let me explain some of the expectations I’ve put on myself…
“I think I should be perfect.” This crazy concept spreads across all areas of my life.
I think I should be amazing at my job – even when starting a new part-time job. I think I should be able to step in and know it all and be the best. I’m scared that if I don’t, my employers will think I’m no good and that they made a mistake in hiring me.
Likewise, “I think that the company I run should be successful and if it’s not, I’m then a failure.” I think within my own company I should be incredibly amazing and again know it all, even though I’ve never actually owned my own company before.
“I think my child should be perfect, I should be in a great relationship, should own my own home and a nice car, I should be an outstanding cook, my body should be perfect, the house orderly at all times, even that this blog should be perfectly written first go!“ I could go on, but my point is that it literally covers all areas of my daily life.
I have previously spent a lot of time thinking myself not ‘good enough’ or not complete until I achieve these things. I have pinned my self-worth to how successful I am and I have been identified with achievement. Simply being me has not been enough – I have had this pressure on myself to be perfect.
The result: I have been living with a ridiculous amount of nervous tension in my body. It is exactly that – a tension in my body. My body feels stiff as if I am constantly on edge. The term ‘highly strung’ is very fitting. To let go, even in the slightest, is like someone (myself) has released the tightly stretched rubber band.
When recently sharing with women at a Sacred Movement group about how we are as women, someone said the word ‘expectation’ and it hit a nerve. Last week I realise I had no awareness of any of this and then suddenly, I did – and I noticed the lead balloon dropped in.
Now that I can consciously feel the nervous tension, it is at times almost overwhelming and so unbelievably uncomfortable. But I also realise now that even though last week I had no awareness of this, I still felt it regardless. I have been living constantly with this tension and this tension has been my ‘normal’. Whilst feeling this is uncomfortable, there is also a relief in it, because before, it was as if it was choking me yet I had no idea, and yet now the grip has loosened and I am aware. The awareness of it all is liberating!
I am now acutely aware of how nervous I often am around people, at work, when cooking, with parenting etc., and although this is uncomfortable, the feeling of it allows me to make changes and new choices in response to different situations. I can now move beyond a constant nervous tension that has been with me for years.
So the lead balloon that has often landed and been sitting on my lap has been intense. But in hindsight, so has living with such a huge expectation of myself and constant nervous tension. Now that I am aware of it, I can no longer avoid what I have always felt. It doesn’t feel the intensity of the feeling has increased, only that I now am more aware of the intensity. And whilst having a lead balloon on my lap isn’t often pleasant, I now know it is there and that I’m the one who put it there!
I feel freer in knowing and understanding that these were my choices and that I can now make different ones. I can let go of more of the unnecessary expectation I put upon myself. I can be me, exactly as I am. Sometimes I forget to wash the greens when making soup, sometimes I leave the garage light on, sometimes I make mistakes… perhaps I won’t own my own home, or have a nicer car or any other external factor… and yet it doesn’t change who I am.
This expectation has been running me for a long time and strangely enough, becoming aware of the weight of the lead balloon of expectation has brought a sense of lightness and allowed me to feel more of the True Me!
Inspired by Curtis Benhayon and the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
By Nikki McKee, Goonellabah, NSW
Whoops Is One of My Favourite Words – A Message From The Author
From Self-development to Unfolding into my True Self – Inspired by Serge Benhayon
875 thoughts on “Expectation – the Lead Balloon affecting the True Me”
The weight of expectations is a hindrance to knowing we are magnificent being who we are.
Nikki this constant tension is within so many of us, it debilitates us from actually truly being who we naturally are. It kind of feels, we are constantly on show or performing an act on stage, wondering what the audience is going to say or feel about us. When we live with no worry about what others will think and we live with a responsibility, then the outside does not matter. It is a working progress I know…
I love the fact that at least when we bring the understanding and have this knowing that something is simply not right, and we do something about it, then more is given or shown to us. Otherwise the mess continues when we choose to ignore it, and the anxiousness builds and we become reliant on stimulants.
I often ponder over the need to own a house, having the perfect body, cooking etc, and they are all a temporary thing, because once we pass over, none of these things will ever matter when the body has disintegrated, sometimes hard to fathom with all the belief’s we have grown up around.
Live life to the fullest and be your all in everything, enrichment comes in everything if we are willing to see it…
Awareness of what is happening in our lives puts the helium in these balloons and we can simply move in a way that we will eventually cut these stings and walk under our own power without be devastated by what is happening around us. Learning to observe life and appreciate the essence of Love we all are is a great starting point to step of from and as you have shared Nikki, this has “ allowed me to feel more of the True Me!”
Nikki, this is absolutely GOLD: “I feel freer in knowing and understanding that these were my choices and that I can now make different ones. I can let go of more of the unnecessary expectation I put upon myself. I can be me, exactly as I am. Sometimes I forget to wash the greens when making soup, sometimes I leave the garage light on, sometimes I make mistakes… perhaps I won’t own my own home, or have a nicer car or any other external factor… and yet it doesn’t change who I am.”
Expectations can crush us – they can crush our relationship with self but also our relationships with others. Expectations are the counter balance to the ‘being’ that is offered through connection with the Soul. And yet our society and world and most of us live with expectations on a daily basis. Knowing this does not suddenly wipe out expectations, for it is a gradual work in progress that helps to reveal them and then disarm them so they no longer control us and weigh us down.
Expectations are a killer, the causer of devastations. If we have no expectations, then we are not left disappointed, elated or devastated. Expectations come from an image that we often see in magazines, TV or ra ra’d about.
Live life with no expectations and it will be enriched, simple yet we complicate it, after all the choice is ours to make…
We can live with this tension for many years, and it can seem ‘normal’ to us, ‘I have been living with a ridiculous amount of nervous tension in my body. It is exactly that – a tension in my body.’
I have noticed reading these different blogs of peoples experience is that there are many underlying themes
just one of them is this feeling that society does not allow people just to be themselves instead there is this expectation that we have to achieve, succeed, compete etc. But my question has to be why do we do this to ourselves? We humanity continuously make up the rules of life so why do we put this pressure on ourselves to be something other than what we truly are?
The expectations we put on ourselves are actually quite huge and if we take time to feel them it is not a great surprise to then feel the exhaustion that comes as a result of trying to live up to those expectations.
I agree Lucy it’s incredibly tiring to put effort into being something or someone that we’re not and conversely it’s incredibly freeing and energising to be who we already are.
In the moment that we feel we aren’t good enough we must have had an expectation.
And how often do people feel they are not good enough in our world at present, ‘I have pinned my self-worth to how successful I am and I have been identified with achievement. Simply being me has not been enough – I have had this pressure on myself to be perfect.’
‘I can be me, exactly as I am.’ These words change a whole reality about the rules and expectations that dictates we have to be this or that. It reminds me how precious we already are by doing nothing, just breathing, observing and being is and ever was more than enough. Thank you Nikki
Just being true to who we innately are, ‘I can let go of more of the unnecessary expectation I put upon myself. I can be me, exactly as I am.’
Recently Karin Becker in a Sacred movement session presented the importance of introducing a loving awareness in our life. We as women have put so much expectations in ourselves that we may feel really stiff and contracted, but this is not normal, even though we have lived like that for so long. However by feeling what is there in our body, with no judgment, by sharing it with other women who are having similar issues in their life is being very supportive and very freeing for me. We no longer have to accept the self demand with we have lived. Being just who we are, valuing the preciousness inside which is endless and complete, regardless of what we do, feels very restoring, like the coming back home I was waiting for…and now is there! here, inside us.
The ability to live truly open and ready and willing to embrace what ever is next – with no expectation as to what or how that might look like is one of the greatest freedoms in life.
Being driven by expectations is like being on a hamster wheel, frantically trying to get ‘somewhere’ but the goalposts keep moving.
We will never live up to this, so no wonder it is exhausting, ‘I think I should be perfect.” This crazy concept spreads across all areas of my life.’
When we over think things we light the fuse to our anxiety which then in turn continues to feed itself and keeps raising those feelings of inadequacy, not only is it totally exhausting, it isn’t true either, the more we become aware of how it is for us, the easier it is to deal with, and we begin to change our choices.
First it is important to become aware of exactly what we are feeling, then we can make new choices, ‘I am now acutely aware of how nervous I often am around people, at work, when cooking, with parenting etc., and although this is uncomfortable, the feeling of it allows me to make changes and new choices in response to different situations. I can now move beyond a constant nervous tension that has been with me for years.’
I am starting to understand that whatever comes my way is for me to learn and becoming more aware of.. To not let it sit and slip, but actually activate what needs to be lived by me.
Yes there is stepped process isn’t there? first there is a pause to clock what is going on, in that moment there is an opportunity to react or respond. Second, there is an opportunity to detach and consider why and what movements led to that moment we are considering. Thirdly we have an opportunity to activate the more true way of moving that offers us s different outcome.
Having expectations is such a huge pressure and weight to put on ourselves and our relationships. It only leads to complications and tension. Why would we put this upon ourselves and others? Is it to avoid being love? I’d say yes because expectations create a denseness that leaves no room for love to be expressed.
‘The awareness of it all is liberating!’ That’s my experience too Nikki The moment we become aware of what we are holding on to we have the choice to stop and change the way we are with ourselves. Once a practitioner said to me when I left the room ‘please make a lot of mistakes’ I don’t think I appreciated her saying that but now I feel in my body how lliberating it is to make mistakes.
We really exhaust ourselves trying to live up to so many pictures and expectations, no wonder anxiety is such a common condition in society when so many are living with this ‘weight of expectation’ holding them back from being who they truly are.
So true Anna, taking on expectations is a setup that is extremely exhausting, it keeps us chasing for the next thing and the next thing, and leaves us feeling not good enough or not complete.
And it really exposes the absence of appreciation in our lives, that it’s not natural as yet to know, value, honour and delight in our qualities and who we are, instead we place expectations on ourselves to perform and function a certain way, which is painful and empty compared to the simple joy of knowing ourselves.