I read an article recently – Haunted by the Desire to not Live: Finding my Way back to My True Self – where the author stated that it had taken her three years to feel love for herself. This gave me a ‘stop moment’ to look at where I am with my own self-love.
I have been studying with Universal Medicine for the past four and a half years and in that time I have made many changes… but I still (or so I thought on first reading this article) haven’t got the ‘self-care’ thing right. Indeed, earlier on this year I had a session with a psychologist and I remember saying: “I don’t even self-care.” I understand now how arrogant this was, and is!
Pondering on my lack of self-care recently, and especially after reading the following quote in Serge Benhayon’s’ book Open Letter to Humanity (p.542): “By choosing to self-love, we deepen our self-caring, which then leads to self nurturing.” I asked myself, “What does this mean for me?”
I understand now that my resistance to self-care is in fact a resistance to loving myself – for how can I care for myself and my body, let alone nurture myself, if I do not feel I am worthy of that care? And yet… I am very much aware that each person on this Earth is unique, and therefore each person, including me, is important in the Universe. Knowing the enormity of this, why do I have so many moments of not feeling worthy?
Is it possible that the answer to this question is that, knowing my uniqueness, and therefore how important I am, comes with huge responsibility, and that I am resisting this responsibility? Hence often my resistance to feeling worthy is because I am not willing to be responsible for myself, or for my part in the Universe.
What does this even mean to me? To me this has meant not wanting to be responsible because I know at times I am not reflecting the level of self-love and self-care that I am capable of, or the divinity that I am – and so it goes, round and round, in a constant cycle. I wondered why this is so? And… how do I break the cycle?
Then it hit me: I can break the cycle by choosing to confirm myself – just for being me. I realised I was still trying to prove myself by what I do and seeking recognition for what I did, rather than simply accepting that I am already all I need to be.
I have always pushed myself to achieve more and more, doing course after course, not feeling I was ever good enough, being very hard on myself, often completely ignoring my body, and always reaching for that (unattainable) goal of ‘perfection’ in everything I did… instead of accepting that inside I am already perfect and so I don’t have to strive to be perfect in everything I do.
During my ponderings I sat down and made a list of all the areas where I now care for and nurture myself. Some of the items on my list were:
- I have eliminated alcohol, dairy, gluten, caffeine and sugar from my diet and feel less tired, exhausted, bloated, congested and sinusy as a result.
- I seldom react to things like I used to, and if I do, I am aware of it, feel what is happening and let it go by coming back to myself.
- I exercise in moderation now, and in connection with my body and breath.
- I do not go for ‘distractions’ as much, especially with TV, books, sport and travel.
- I wind down before going to bed by avoiding watching TV, working on the computer late at night or having intense discussions, and I go to bed much earlier and get up much earlier than I used to.
- I spend more time in the shower and take the time afterwards to tenderly put moisturiser on my body.
- I am seldom angry now with myself, others or situations I cannot control.
My list was confirming of the ways I am now living – and in making the list I began to realise the number of things I do actually do for myself, which felt awesome. I do love and care for myself – I was just not claiming this. Yes, there is room to take my self-care deeper, but is this not always so, for us all?
Whilst I am very aware of just what a difference my life is now compared to what it was when I first started studying with Universal Medicine, I am now committed to living my life with more self-love, self-nurturing and self-care in the understanding that this is continually developing.
The truth is, I am taking more responsibility for being, and reflecting, self-care and self-love. The lack of self-love has come simply from not appreciating this – how enlightening I have found this appreciation to be!
So perhaps the simple key to self-love, self-care, and self-nurturing is to be more appreciative and confirming of ourselves, and to celebrate the fact that we are, as divine beings, already all we need to be. Through appreciation, confirmation and celebration, we can go from resisting self-care to truly nurturing ourselves. Indeed, it is our responsibility to do so.
By Anne Scott, Mediator, Qualified Yoga Teacher, Fitness Instructor and Personal Trainer, and accredited Esoteric Healing Practitioner, Auckland, New Zealand